Index: Makefile
===================================================================
--- Makefile (nonexistent)
+++ Makefile (revision 5)
@@ -0,0 +1,13 @@
+
+COMPONENT_TARGETS = $(HARDWARE_NOARCH)
+
+SOURCE_REQUIRES += ALL_DIRS
+
+
+include ../../../build-system/core.mk
+
+
+download_clean:
+ @true
+
+.PHONY: download_clean
Index: bsd-games/Makefile
===================================================================
--- bsd-games/Makefile (nonexistent)
+++ bsd-games/Makefile (revision 5)
@@ -0,0 +1,56 @@
+
+COMPONENT_TARGETS = $(HARDWARE_NOARCH)
+
+
+include ../../../../build-system/constants.mk
+
+
+url = $(DOWNLOAD_SERVER)/sources/packages/y/bsd-games
+
+versions = 2.17
+pkgname = bsd-games
+suffix = tar.gz
+
+tarballs = $(addsuffix .$(suffix), $(addprefix $(pkgname)-, $(versions)))
+sha1s = $(addsuffix .sha1sum, $(tarballs))
+
+patches = $(CURDIR)/patches/bsd-games-2.17.patch
+
+.NOTPARALLEL: $(patches)
+
+
+BUILD_TARGETS = $(tarballs) $(sha1s) $(patches)
+
+
+include ../../../../build-system/core.mk
+
+
+.PHONY: download_clean
+
+
+$(tarballs):
+ @echo -e "\n======= Downloading source tarballs =======" ; \
+ for tarball in $(tarballs) ; do \
+ echo "$(url)/$$tarball" | xargs -n 1 -P 100 wget $(WGET_OPTIONS) - & \
+ done ; wait
+
+$(sha1s): $(tarballs)
+ @for sha in $@ ; do \
+ echo -e "\n======= Downloading '$$sha' signature =======\n" ; \
+ echo "$(url)/$$sha" | xargs -n 1 -P 100 wget $(WGET_OPTIONS) - & wait %1 ; \
+ touch $$sha ; \
+ echo -e "\n======= Check the '$$sha' sha1sum =======\n" ; \
+ sha1sum --check $$sha ; ret="$$?" ; \
+ if [ "$$ret" == "1" ]; then \
+ echo -e "\n======= ERROR: Bad '$$sha' sha1sum =======\n" ; \
+ exit 1 ; \
+ fi ; \
+ done
+
+$(patches): $(sha1s)
+ @echo -e "\n======= Create Patches =======\n" ; \
+ ( cd create-2.17-patch ; ./create.patch.sh ) ; \
+ echo -e "\n"
+
+download_clean:
+ @rm -f $(tarballs) $(sha1s) $(patches)
Index: bsd-games/create-2.17-patch/bsd-games-2.17-new/backgammon/backgammon/main.c
===================================================================
--- bsd-games/create-2.17-patch/bsd-games-2.17-new/backgammon/backgammon/main.c (nonexistent)
+++ bsd-games/create-2.17-patch/bsd-games-2.17-new/backgammon/backgammon/main.c (revision 5)
@@ -0,0 +1,533 @@
+/* $NetBSD: main.c,v 1.21 2005/02/15 12:56:20 jsm Exp $ */
+
+/*
+ * Copyright (c) 1980, 1993
+ * The Regents of the University of California. All rights reserved.
+ *
+ * Redistribution and use in source and binary forms, with or without
+ * modification, are permitted provided that the following conditions
+ * are met:
+ * 1. Redistributions of source code must retain the above copyright
+ * notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer.
+ * 2. Redistributions in binary form must reproduce the above copyright
+ * notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer in the
+ * documentation and/or other materials provided with the distribution.
+ * 3. Neither the name of the University nor the names of its contributors
+ * may be used to endorse or promote products derived from this software
+ * without specific prior written permission.
+ *
+ * THIS SOFTWARE IS PROVIDED BY THE REGENTS AND CONTRIBUTORS ``AS IS'' AND
+ * ANY EXPRESS OR IMPLIED WARRANTIES, INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, THE
+ * IMPLIED WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTABILITY AND FITNESS FOR A PARTICULAR PURPOSE
+ * ARE DISCLAIMED. IN NO EVENT SHALL THE REGENTS OR CONTRIBUTORS BE LIABLE
+ * FOR ANY DIRECT, INDIRECT, INCIDENTAL, SPECIAL, EXEMPLARY, OR CONSEQUENTIAL
+ * DAMAGES (INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, PROCUREMENT OF SUBSTITUTE GOODS
+ * OR SERVICES; LOSS OF USE, DATA, OR PROFITS; OR BUSINESS INTERRUPTION)
+ * HOWEVER CAUSED AND ON ANY THEORY OF LIABILITY, WHETHER IN CONTRACT, STRICT
+ * LIABILITY, OR TORT (INCLUDING NEGLIGENCE OR OTHERWISE) ARISING IN ANY WAY
+ * OUT OF THE USE OF THIS SOFTWARE, EVEN IF ADVISED OF THE POSSIBILITY OF
+ * SUCH DAMAGE.
+ */
+
+#include <sys/cdefs.h>
+#ifndef lint
+__COPYRIGHT("@(#) Copyright (c) 1980, 1993\n\
+ The Regents of the University of California. All rights reserved.\n");
+#endif /* not lint */
+
+#ifndef lint
+#if 0
+static char sccsid[] = "@(#)main.c 8.1 (Berkeley) 5/31/93";
+#else
+__RCSID("$NetBSD: main.c,v 1.21 2005/02/15 12:56:20 jsm Exp $");
+#endif
+#endif /* not lint */
+
+#include <time.h>
+
+#include "back.h"
+#include "backlocal.h"
+
+#define MVPAUSE 5 /* time to sleep when stuck */
+
+extern const char *const instr[]; /* text of instructions */
+extern const char *const message[]; /* update message */
+#ifndef NCURSES_VERSION
+speed_t ospeed; /* tty output speed */
+#endif
+
+const char *const helpm[] = { /* help message */
+ "Enter a space or newline to roll, or",
+ " R to reprint the board\tD to double",
+ " S to save the game\tQ to quit",
+ 0
+};
+
+const char *const contin[] = { /* pause message */
+ "(Type a newline to continue.)",
+ "",
+ 0
+};
+static const char rules[] = "\nDo you want the rules of the game?";
+static const char noteach[] = "Teachgammon not available!\n\a";
+static const char need[] = "Do you need instructions for this program?";
+static const char askcol[] =
+"Enter 'r' to play red, 'w' to play white, 'b' to play both:";
+static const char rollr[] = "Red rolls a ";
+static const char rollw[] = ". White rolls a ";
+static const char rstart[] = ". Red starts.\n";
+static const char wstart[] = ". White starts.\n";
+static const char toobad1[] = "Too bad, ";
+static const char unable[] = " is unable to use that roll.\n";
+static const char toobad2[] = ". Too bad, ";
+static const char cantmv[] = " can't move.\n";
+static const char bgammon[] = "Backgammon! ";
+static const char gammon[] = "Gammon! ";
+static const char again[] = ".\nWould you like to play again?";
+static const char svpromt[] = "Would you like to save this game?";
+
+static const char password[] = "losfurng";
+static char pbuf[10];
+
+int
+main(argc, argv)
+ int argc __attribute__((__unused__));
+ char **argv;
+{
+ int i; /* non-descript index */
+ int l; /* non-descript index */
+ char c; /* non-descript character storage */
+ long t; /* time for random num generator */
+
+ /* revoke setgid privileges */
+ setregid(getgid(), getgid());
+
+ /* initialization */
+ bflag = 2; /* default no board */
+ signal(SIGINT, getout); /* trap interrupts */
+ if (tcgetattr(0, &old) == -1) /* get old tty mode */
+ errexit("backgammon(gtty)");
+ noech = old;
+ noech.c_lflag &= ~ECHO;
+ bg_raw = noech;
+ bg_raw.c_lflag &= ~ICANON; /* set up modes */
+ ospeed = cfgetospeed(&old); /* for termlib */
+
+ /* get terminal capabilities, and decide if it can cursor address */
+ tflag = getcaps(getenv("TERM"));
+ /* use whole screen for text */
+ if (tflag)
+ begscr = 0;
+ t = time(NULL);
+ srandom(t); /* 'random' seed */
+
+#ifdef V7
+ while (*++argv != 0) /* process arguments */
+#else
+ while (*++argv != -1) /* process arguments */
+#endif
+ getarg(&argv);
+ args[acnt] = '\0';
+ if (tflag) { /* clear screen */
+ noech.c_oflag &= ~(ONLCR | OXTABS);
+ bg_raw.c_oflag &= ~(ONLCR | OXTABS);
+ clear();
+ }
+ fixtty(&bg_raw); /* go into raw mode */
+
+ /* check if restored game and save flag for later */
+ if ((rfl = rflag) != 0) {
+ text(message); /* print message */
+ text(contin);
+ wrboard(); /* print board */
+ /* if new game, pretend to be a non-restored game */
+ if (cturn == 0)
+ rflag = 0;
+ } else {
+ rscore = wscore = 0; /* zero score */
+ text(message); /* update message without pausing */
+
+ if (aflag) { /* print rules */
+ writel(rules);
+ if (yorn(0)) {
+
+ fixtty(&old); /* restore tty */
+ execl(TEACH, "teachgammon", args[1]?args:0,
+ (char *) 0);
+
+ tflag = 0; /* error! */
+ writel(noteach);
+ exit(1);
+ } else {/* if not rules, then instructions */
+ writel(need);
+ if (yorn(0)) { /* print instructions */
+ clear();
+ text(instr);
+ }
+ }
+ }
+ init(); /* initialize board */
+
+ if (pnum == 2) {/* ask for color(s) */
+ writec('\n');
+ writel(askcol);
+ while (pnum == 2) {
+ c = readc();
+ switch (c) {
+
+ case 'R': /* red */
+ pnum = -1;
+ break;
+
+ case 'W': /* white */
+ pnum = 1;
+ break;
+
+ case 'B': /* both */
+ pnum = 0;
+ break;
+
+ case 'P':
+ if (iroll)
+ break;
+ if (tflag)
+ curmove(curr, 0);
+ else
+ writec('\n');
+ writel("Password:");
+ signal(SIGALRM, getout);
+ cflag = 1;
+ alarm(10);
+ for (i = 0; i < 10; i++) {
+ pbuf[i] = readc();
+ if (pbuf[i] == '\n')
+ break;
+ }
+ if (i == 10)
+ while (readc() != '\n');
+ alarm(0);
+ cflag = 0;
+ if (i < 10)
+ pbuf[i] = '\0';
+ for (i = 0; i < 9; i++)
+ if (pbuf[i] != password[i])
+ getout(0);
+ iroll = 1;
+ if (tflag)
+ curmove(curr, 0);
+ else
+ writec('\n');
+ writel(askcol);
+ break;
+
+ default: /* error */
+ writec('\007');
+ }
+ }
+ } else
+ if (!aflag)
+ /* pause to read message */
+ text(contin);
+
+ wrboard(); /* print board */
+
+ if (tflag)
+ curmove(18, 0);
+ else
+ writec('\n');
+ }
+ /* limit text to bottom of screen */
+ if (tflag)
+ begscr = 17;
+
+ for (;;) { /* begin game! */
+ /* initial roll if needed */
+ if ((!rflag) || raflag)
+ roll();
+
+ /* perform ritual of first roll */
+ if (!rflag) {
+ if (tflag)
+ curmove(17, 0);
+ while (D0 == D1) /* no doubles */
+ roll();
+
+ /* print rolls */
+ writel(rollr);
+ writec(D0 + '0');
+ writel(rollw);
+ writec(D1 + '0');
+
+ /* winner goes first */
+ if (D0 > D1) {
+ writel(rstart);
+ cturn = 1;
+ } else {
+ writel(wstart);
+ cturn = -1;
+ }
+ }
+ /* initialize variables according to whose turn it is */
+
+ if (cturn == 1) { /* red */
+ home = 25;
+ bar = 0;
+ inptr = &in[1];
+ inopp = &in[0];
+ offptr = &off[1];
+ offopp = &off[0];
+ Colorptr = &color[1];
+ colorptr = &color[3];
+ colen = 3;
+ } else { /* white */
+ home = 0;
+ bar = 25;
+ inptr = &in[0];
+ inopp = &in[1];
+ offptr = &off[0];
+ offopp = &off[1];
+ Colorptr = &color[0];
+ colorptr = &color[2];
+ colen = 5;
+ }
+
+ /* do first move (special case) */
+ if (!(rflag && raflag)) {
+ if (cturn == pnum) /* computer's move */
+ move(0);
+ else { /* player's move */
+ mvlim = movallow();
+ /* reprint roll */
+ if (tflag)
+ curmove(cturn == -1 ? 18 : 19, 0);
+ proll();
+ getmove(); /* get player's move */
+ }
+ }
+ if (tflag) {
+ curmove(17, 0);
+ cline();
+ begscr = 18;
+ }
+ /* no longer any diff- erence between normal game and
+ * recovered game. */
+ rflag = 0;
+
+ /* move as long as it's someone's turn */
+ while (cturn == 1 || cturn == -1) {
+
+ /* board maintainence */
+ if (tflag)
+ refresh(); /* fix board */
+ else
+ /* redo board if -p */
+ if (cturn == bflag || bflag == 0)
+ wrboard();
+
+ /* do computer's move */
+ if (cturn == pnum) {
+ move(1);
+
+ /* see if double refused */
+ if (cturn == -2 || cturn == 2)
+ break;
+
+ /* check for winning move */
+ if (*offopp == 15) {
+ cturn *= -2;
+ break;
+ }
+ continue;
+
+ }
+ /* (player's move) */
+
+ /* clean screen if safe */
+ if (tflag && hflag) {
+ curmove(20, 0);
+ clend();
+ hflag = 1;
+ }
+ /* if allowed, give him a chance to double */
+ if (dlast != cturn && gvalue < 64) {
+ if (tflag)
+ curmove(cturn == -1 ? 18 : 19, 0);
+ writel(*Colorptr);
+ c = readc();
+
+ /* character cases */
+ switch (c) {
+
+ /* reprint board */
+ case 'R':
+ wrboard();
+ break;
+
+ /* save game */
+ case 'S':
+ raflag = 1;
+ save(1);
+ break;
+
+ /* quit */
+ case 'Q':
+ quit();
+ break;
+
+ /* double */
+ case 'D':
+ dble();
+ break;
+
+ /* roll */
+ case ' ':
+ case '\n':
+ roll();
+ writel(" rolls ");
+ writec(D0 + '0');
+ writec(' ');
+ writec(D1 + '0');
+ writel(". ");
+
+ /* see if he can move */
+ if ((mvlim = movallow()) == 0) {
+
+ /* can't move */
+ writel(toobad1);
+ writel(*colorptr);
+ writel(unable);
+ if (tflag) {
+ if (pnum) {
+ buflush();
+ sleep(MVPAUSE);
+ }
+ }
+ nexturn();
+ break;
+ }
+ /* get move */
+ getmove();
+
+ /* okay to clean screen */
+ hflag = 1;
+ break;
+
+ /* invalid character */
+ default:
+
+ /* print help message */
+ if (tflag)
+ curmove(20, 0);
+ else
+ writec('\n');
+ text(helpm);
+ if (tflag)
+ curmove(cturn == -1 ? 18 : 19, 0);
+ else
+ writec('\n');
+
+ /* don't erase */
+ hflag = 0;
+ }
+ } else {/* couldn't double */
+
+ /* print roll */
+ roll();
+ if (tflag)
+ curmove(cturn == -1 ? 18 : 19, 0);
+ proll();
+
+ /* can he move? */
+ if ((mvlim = movallow()) == 0) {
+
+ /* he can't */
+ writel(toobad2);
+ writel(*colorptr);
+ writel(cantmv);
+ buflush();
+ sleep(MVPAUSE);
+ nexturn();
+ continue;
+ }
+ /* get move */
+ getmove();
+ }
+ }
+
+ /* don't worry about who won if quit */
+ if (cturn == 0)
+ break;
+
+ /* fix cturn = winner */
+ cturn /= -2;
+
+ /* final board pos. */
+ if (tflag)
+ refresh();
+
+ /* backgammon? */
+ mflag = 0;
+ l = bar + 7 * cturn;
+ for (i = bar; i != l; i += cturn)
+ if (board[i] * cturn)
+ mflag++;
+
+ /* compute game value */
+ if (tflag)
+ curmove(20, 0);
+ if (*offopp == 15 && (*offptr == 0 || *offptr == -15)) {
+ if (mflag) {
+ writel(bgammon);
+ gvalue *= 3;
+ } else {
+ writel(gammon);
+ gvalue *= 2;
+ }
+ }
+ /* report situation */
+ if (cturn == -1) {
+ writel("Red wins ");
+ rscore += gvalue;
+ } else {
+ writel("White wins ");
+ wscore += gvalue;
+ }
+ wrint(gvalue);
+ writel(" point");
+ if (gvalue > 1)
+ writec('s');
+ writel(".\n");
+
+ /* write score */
+ wrscore();
+
+ /* see if he wants another game */
+ writel(again);
+ if ((i = yorn('S')) == 0)
+ break;
+
+ init();
+ if (i == 2) {
+ writel(" Save.\n");
+ cturn = 0;
+ save(0);
+ }
+ /* yes, reset game */
+ wrboard();
+ }
+
+ /* give him a chance to save if game was recovered */
+ if (rfl && cturn) {
+ writel(svpromt);
+ if (yorn(0)) {
+ /* re-initialize for recovery */
+ init();
+ cturn = 0;
+ save(0);
+ }
+ }
+ /* leave peacefully */
+ getout(0);
+ /* NOTREACHED */
+ return (0);
+}
Index: bsd-games/create-2.17-patch/bsd-games-2.17-new/backgammon/backgammon
===================================================================
--- bsd-games/create-2.17-patch/bsd-games-2.17-new/backgammon/backgammon (nonexistent)
+++ bsd-games/create-2.17-patch/bsd-games-2.17-new/backgammon/backgammon (revision 5)
Property changes on: bsd-games/create-2.17-patch/bsd-games-2.17-new/backgammon/backgammon
___________________________________________________________________
Added: svn:ignore
## -0,0 +1,73 ##
+
+# install dir
+dist
+
+# Target build dirs
+.a1x-newlib
+.a2x-newlib
+.at91sam7s-newlib
+
+.build-machine
+
+.a1x-glibc
+.a2x-glibc
+.h3-glibc
+.h5-glibc
+.i586-glibc
+.i686-glibc
+.imx6-glibc
+.jz47xx-glibc
+.makefile
+.am335x-glibc
+.omap543x-glibc
+.p5600-glibc
+.power8-glibc
+.power8le-glibc
+.power9-glibc
+.power9le-glibc
+.m1000-glibc
+.riscv64-glibc
+.rk328x-glibc
+.rk33xx-glibc
+.rk339x-glibc
+.s8xx-glibc
+.s9xx-glibc
+.x86_64-glibc
+
+# Hidden files (each file)
+.makefile
+.dist
+.rootfs
+
+# src & hw requires
+.src_requires
+.src_requires_depend
+.requires
+.requires_depend
+
+# Tarballs
+*.gz
+*.bz2
+*.lz
+*.xz
+*.tgz
+*.txz
+
+# Signatures
+*.asc
+*.sig
+*.sign
+*.sha1sum
+
+# Patches
+*.patch
+
+# Descriptions
+*.dsc
+*.txt
+
+# Default linux config files
+*.defconfig
+
+# backup copies
+*~
Index: bsd-games/create-2.17-patch/bsd-games-2.17-new/backgammon
===================================================================
--- bsd-games/create-2.17-patch/bsd-games-2.17-new/backgammon (nonexistent)
+++ bsd-games/create-2.17-patch/bsd-games-2.17-new/backgammon (revision 5)
Property changes on: bsd-games/create-2.17-patch/bsd-games-2.17-new/backgammon
___________________________________________________________________
Added: svn:ignore
## -0,0 +1,73 ##
+
+# install dir
+dist
+
+# Target build dirs
+.a1x-newlib
+.a2x-newlib
+.at91sam7s-newlib
+
+.build-machine
+
+.a1x-glibc
+.a2x-glibc
+.h3-glibc
+.h5-glibc
+.i586-glibc
+.i686-glibc
+.imx6-glibc
+.jz47xx-glibc
+.makefile
+.am335x-glibc
+.omap543x-glibc
+.p5600-glibc
+.power8-glibc
+.power8le-glibc
+.power9-glibc
+.power9le-glibc
+.m1000-glibc
+.riscv64-glibc
+.rk328x-glibc
+.rk33xx-glibc
+.rk339x-glibc
+.s8xx-glibc
+.s9xx-glibc
+.x86_64-glibc
+
+# Hidden files (each file)
+.makefile
+.dist
+.rootfs
+
+# src & hw requires
+.src_requires
+.src_requires_depend
+.requires
+.requires_depend
+
+# Tarballs
+*.gz
+*.bz2
+*.lz
+*.xz
+*.tgz
+*.txz
+
+# Signatures
+*.asc
+*.sig
+*.sign
+*.sha1sum
+
+# Patches
+*.patch
+
+# Descriptions
+*.dsc
+*.txt
+
+# Default linux config files
+*.defconfig
+
+# backup copies
+*~
Index: bsd-games/create-2.17-patch/bsd-games-2.17-new/config.params
===================================================================
--- bsd-games/create-2.17-patch/bsd-games-2.17-new/config.params (nonexistent)
+++ bsd-games/create-2.17-patch/bsd-games-2.17-new/config.params (revision 5)
@@ -0,0 +1,44 @@
+# Don't run configure interactively.
+bsd_games_cfg_non_interactive=y
+
+# Install into here for building the package.
+bsd_games_cfg_install_prefix=@BSD_GAMES_PKG@
+
+# Compiler and build environment
+bsd_games_cfg_cc=@CC@
+bsd_games_cfg_cxx=@CXX@
+bsd_games_cfg_optimize_flags=@OPTIMIZE_FLAGS@
+bsd_games_cfg_ncurses_lib=@NCURSES_LIB@
+bsd_games_cfg_openssl_lib=@OPENSSL_LIB@
+bsd_games_cfg_other_cflags=@CFLAGS@
+bsd_games_cfg_other_ldflags=@LDFLAGS@
+
+# Do not build or install these games:
+bsd_games_cfg_no_build_dirs="boggle dm"
+
+# Keep huntd in /usr/sbin as it was in the past. I may
+# change this later.
+bsd_games_cfg_sbindir=/usr/sbin
+
+# Use /usr/man still. Slackware doesn't use this part of FHS yet.
+bsd_games_cfg_man8dir=/usr/share/man/man8
+bsd_games_cfg_man6dir=/usr/share/man/man6
+bsd_games_cfg_man5dir=/usr/share/man/man5
+
+# We don't like cluttering up the /usr/games/ dir too much,
+# use a subdir. /var too.
+bsd_games_cfg_usrlibdir=/usr/share/games
+bsd_games_cfg_sharedir=/usr/share/games
+bsd_games_cfg_varlibdir=/var/lib/bsdgames
+
+# Do not do chown now:
+bsd_games_cfg_do_chown=n
+
+# Use compressed .so links for manpages:
+bsd_games_cfg_use_dot_so=.so
+
+# Compress the manpages:
+bsd_games_cfg_gzip_manpages=y
+
+# Use /usr/bin/less by default.
+bsd_games_cfg_pager=/usr/bin/less
Index: bsd-games/create-2.17-patch/bsd-games-2.17-new/configure
===================================================================
--- bsd-games/create-2.17-patch/bsd-games-2.17-new/configure (nonexistent)
+++ bsd-games/create-2.17-patch/bsd-games-2.17-new/configure (revision 5)
@@ -0,0 +1,980 @@
+#!/bin/sh
+# configure - home-grown configuration script for bsd-games.
+#
+# Copyright (c) 1997, 1998, 1999, 2000, 2003, 2004 Joseph Samuel Myers.
+# All rights reserved.
+#
+# Redistribution and use in source and binary forms, with or without
+# modification, are permitted provided that the following conditions
+# are met:
+# 1. Redistributions of source code must retain the above copyright
+# notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer.
+# 2. Redistributions in binary form must reproduce the above copyright
+# notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer in the
+# documentation and/or other materials provided with the distribution.
+# 3. The name of the author may not be used to endorse or promote products
+# derived from this software without specific prior written permission.
+#
+# THIS SOFTWARE IS PROVIDED BY THE AUTHOR ``AS IS'' AND ANY EXPRESS OR
+# IMPLIED WARRANTIES, INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, THE IMPLIED WARRANTIES
+# OF MERCHANTABILITY AND FITNESS FOR A PARTICULAR PURPOSE ARE DISCLAIMED.
+# IN NO EVENT SHALL THE AUTHOR BE LIABLE FOR ANY DIRECT, INDIRECT,
+# INCIDENTAL, SPECIAL, EXEMPLARY, OR CONSEQUENTIAL DAMAGES (INCLUDING,
+# BUT NOT LIMITED TO, PROCUREMENT OF SUBSTITUTE GOODS OR SERVICES;
+# LOSS OF USE, DATA, OR PROFITS; OR BUSINESS INTERRUPTION) HOWEVER CAUSED
+# AND ON ANY THEORY OF LIABILITY, WHETHER IN CONTRACT, STRICT LIABILITY,
+# OR TORT (INCLUDING NEGLIGENCE OR OTHERWISE) ARISING IN ANY WAY
+# OUT OF THE USE OF THIS SOFTWARE, EVEN IF ADVISED OF THE POSSIBILITY OF
+# SUCH DAMAGE.
+
+# Default paths follow Filesystem Hierarchy Standard version 2.0.
+
+# This will only ask some questions if the previous answers are appropriate.
+# It will substitute values in the directories built in, and the main
+# GNUmakefile.
+
+# Allow defaults to be given by a script
+if [ -e ./config.params ]; then
+ . ./config.params
+fi
+
+subst_vars=srcdir
+
+srcdir="`pwd`"
+
+ask () {
+ long_query="$1"
+ query_var="$2"
+ dflt_var="bsd_games_cfg_$query_var"
+ eval default=\"\$\{${dflt_var}-\$3\}\"
+ printf "%s [%s] " "$long_query" "$default"
+ if [ "x$bsd_games_cfg_non_interactive" = xy ]; then
+ # Follow default
+ input=''
+ echo "[ Using default ]"
+ else
+ read input
+ fi
+ case "$input" in
+ ('')
+ input="$default"
+ ;;
+ (*)
+ ;;
+ esac
+ eval $query_var=\"\$input\"
+ subst_vars="$subst_vars $query_var"
+}
+
+ask_yn () {
+ eval $2=
+ eval answer=\$$2
+ while test "x$answer" = x; do
+ ask "$1" $2 $3
+ eval answer=\$$2
+ case "$answer" in
+ ([yY]*)
+ answer=y
+ ;;
+ ([nN]*)
+ answer=n
+ ;;
+ (*)
+ answer=
+ echo "Please answer y or n"
+ ;;
+ esac
+ done
+ eval $2=\$answer
+}
+
+askperms () {
+ filetype=$1
+ var_prefix=$2
+ def_owner=$3
+ def_group=$4
+ def_perms=$5
+ if [ $do_chown = y ]; then
+ ask "$filetype owner" ${var_prefix}_owner $def_owner
+ ask "$filetype group" ${var_prefix}_group $def_group
+ fi
+ ask "$filetype permissions" ${var_prefix}_perms $def_perms
+ if [ $do_chown = y ]; then
+ eval install_$var_prefix=\"install -c -m \$${var_prefix}_perms -o \$${var_prefix}_owner -g \$${var_prefix}_group\"
+ else
+ eval install_$var_prefix=\"install -c -m \$${var_prefix}_perms\"
+ fi
+ subst_vars="$subst_vars install_$var_prefix"
+}
+
+building_in () {
+ echo " $build_dirs " |grep -q " $1 "
+}
+
+not_building_in () {
+ echo " $no_build_dirs " |grep -q " $1 "
+}
+
+game_ask () {
+ game="$1"
+ if building_in "$game"; then
+ ask "$2" "$3" "$4"
+ fi
+}
+
+check_func () {
+ funcname=$1
+ subst_vars="$subst_vars ${funcname}_defs"
+ cat >conftest.c
+ printf "Checking for %s..." "$funcname"
+ compiler="$cc $optimize_flags $other_cflags $other_ldflags"
+ if $compiler conftest.c >/dev/null 2>&1; then
+ echo "found."
+ echo "#define HAVE_$funcname 1" >>include/bsd-games.h
+ # Check whether we need _GNU_SOURCE for a prototype.
+ if $compiler -Wall -Werror conftest.c >/dev/null 2>&1; then
+ eval ${funcname}_defs=
+ else
+ # Prototype not in headers by default (try _GNU_SOURCE).
+ eval ${funcname}_defs=-D_GNU_SOURCE
+ fi
+ rm -f a.out conftest.c
+ true
+ else
+ echo "not found."
+ rm -f a.out conftest.c
+ eval ${funcname}_defs=
+ false
+ fi
+}
+
+echo "For normal usage the installation prefix will be empty. If you wish"
+echo "to install everything in another directory to that in which it will"
+echo "finally be located (so that your packaging system can then move it"
+echo "there) you should name that directory here. This is most likely to"
+echo "be the case if you are packaging bsd-games for a Linux distribution."
+ask "Installation prefix" install_prefix ''
+
+echo "There may be some programs here you have from another package and so"
+echo "do not want to build and install. The most likely ones are banner,"
+echo "factor and fortune."
+
+ask "Games not to build" no_build_dirs ''
+
+# Normalise white space in no_build_dirs
+no_build_dirs="`echo $no_build_dirs`"
+
+def_build_dirs=
+for file in *; do
+ if [ -e "$file/Makefrag" ] && ! not_building_in "$file" && [ "$file" != lib ]; then
+ def_build_dirs="$def_build_dirs $file"
+ fi
+done
+def_build_dirs=${def_build_dirs## }
+
+ask "Games to build" build_dirs "$def_build_dirs"
+
+# Normalise white space in build_dirs
+build_dirs="`echo $build_dirs`"
+
+echo
+echo "*** NOTE - The default directories for installation follow the"
+echo "*** Filesystem Hierarchy Standard version 2.0 (FHS). If your"
+echo "*** system still uses the older FSSTND 1.2, or if you wish to install"
+echo "*** under /usr/local, you will need to check the paths and make"
+echo "*** changes as appropriate. If this is your first installation with"
+echo "*** the new FHS paths, you may need to remove some old files after"
+echo "*** installation."
+echo
+
+ask "Games directory" gamesdir /usr/games
+
+# We put huntd in /usr/games by default (instead of /usr/sbin as earlier,
+# or /usr/lib) since it can reasonably be called by users and counts
+# properly more as a game than an ordinary user binary.
+if building_in hunt; then
+ echo
+ echo "Hunt includes a daemon for coordinating games with multiple players"
+ ask "Daemon directory" sbindir /usr/games
+else
+ sbindir=
+ subst_vars="$subst_vars sbindir"
+fi
+if building_in fortune; then
+ echo
+ echo "Fortune includes a non-game utility strfile"
+ ask "Non-game binary directory" usrbindir /usr/bin
+else
+ usrbindir=
+ subst_vars="$subst_vars usrbindir"
+fi
+
+hidegame=:
+subst_vars="$subst_vars hidegame"
+if building_in dm; then
+ echo
+ echo "You may wish to restrict the use of games by user, terminal, load,"
+ echo "etc.. This can be done by the use of dm. If you use this"
+ echo "configuration, then games will be kept in a non-world-searchable"
+ echo "directory such as /usr/lib/games/dm and replaced by symlinks to dm."
+ echo "Even if you don't choose this option, you will still be asked"
+ echo "for the directory name, since you are building dm, and can change"
+ echo "manually later. It is strongly recommended that you keep the"
+ echo "default answer of 'n'."
+ ask_yn "Use dm and hide games" use_dm n
+ # The default location is now /usr/lib/games/dm to conform to FHS 2.0.
+ ask "Directory for hidden games" libexecdir /usr/lib/games/dm
+ if [ "$use_dm" = y ]; then
+ hidegame=$srcdir/hide-game
+ fi
+fi
+ask "Section 6 manpage directory" man6dir /usr/share/man/man6
+if building_in dm || building_in fortune; then
+ ask "Section 8 manpage directory" man8dir /usr/share/man/man8
+else
+ man8dir=
+ subst_vars="$subst_vars man8dir"
+fi
+if building_in dm; then
+ ask "Section 5 manpage directory" man5dir /usr/share/man/man5
+else
+ man5dir=
+ subst_vars="$subst_vars man5dir"
+fi
+
+if building_in trek || building_in rogue; then
+ ask "Directory for miscellaneous documentation" docdir /usr/share/doc/bsd-games
+else
+ docdir=
+ subst_vars="$subst_vars docdir"
+fi
+
+# The paths for data are as per the FHS. If a future version removes the
+# games ghettoes of /usr/games, /var/games, etc., then a subdirectory for
+# this package (/usr/share/bsdgames, /var/state/bsdgames, etc.) would be
+# desirable, but I don't feel it necessary at present.
+
+ask "Library directory for constant data
+ (architecture independent)" sharedir /usr/share/games
+ask "Library directory for variable data" varlibdir /var/games
+
+ask_yn "Set owners/groups on installed files" do_chown y
+
+echo
+echo "See SECURITY for a discussion of security issues related to score files."
+echo "There are at least two possible security policies if you want them to"
+echo "work. You can make the files world-writable, and then anyone who wants"
+echo "can put anything in them, which may not be desirable if you think people"
+echo "might cheat this way. Or you can make the games that use them setgid"
+echo "games, and give the files permissions 0664. Note, however, that some"
+echo "of the games may well be insecure when this is done and"
+echo "malicious users may still be able to overwrite anything writable by"
+echo "group games, since the games were probably not designed with security in"
+echo "mind, although version 2.2 is more secure than earlier versions."
+echo "The default is neither of these: it creates scorefiles with"
+echo "permissions 0644 and gives the games no special privileges, which is"
+echo "more secure but means that the games will fail when trying to write"
+echo "to their scorefiles."
+
+askperms "Binary" binary root root 0755
+askperms "Game with scorefile" score_game root root 0755 # or root games 2755?
+if building_in hunt; then
+ askperms "Daemon" daemon root root 0755
+fi
+if building_in dm; then
+ askperms "Directory for hidden games" dmdir root games 0750
+ install_dmdir=`echo "$install_dmdir"| sed 's/install -c/install -d/'`
+ askperms "dm" dm root games 2755
+fi
+askperms "Manpage" manpage root root 0644
+askperms "Constant data" constdata root root 0644
+askperms "Variable data" vardata root root 0644 # or 0666?
+
+ask "Permissions on variable data that should not be world readable" vardata_perms_priv 0640
+
+use_dot_so=
+while test x$use_dot_so = x; do
+ ask "Use .so or symlinks for manpages" use_dot_so .so
+ case "$use_dot_so" in
+ (.so)
+ ;;
+ (syml*)
+ use_dot_so=symlinks
+ ;;
+ (*)
+ use_dot_so=
+ echo "Please answer \`.so\' or \`symlinks\'"
+ ;;
+ esac
+done
+subst_vars="$subst_vars use_dot_so"
+
+ask_yn "Gzip manpages" gzip_manpages y
+
+# What we do with manpages is a bit complicated. If either ppt or morse is
+# being built, we must also install the bcd manpage, even if bcd isn't being
+# built. We then need to do either .so or symlink. This should all be handled
+# by the install-man.in script, but the installation of linked-to manpages
+# isn't implemented yet.
+
+# Copy install_binary to install_script
+install_script="$install_binary"
+subst_vars="$subst_vars install_script"
+
+echo
+echo "It is presumed in some places by the Makefiles that the compiler"
+echo "will be some form of gcc."
+ask "C compiler" cc gcc
+if building_in dab; then
+ ask "C++ compiler" cxx g++
+fi
+ask "Optimize flags" optimize_flags "-g -O2"
+echo
+echo "The default warning flags should give a compile with few warnings."
+# -Wbad-function-cast and -Wshadow give lots of warnings that are basically
+# harmless.
+ask "C compiler warning flags" warning_flags "-Wall -W -Wstrict-prototypes -Wmissing-prototypes -Wpointer-arith -Wcast-align -Wcast-qual -Wwrite-strings"
+if building_in dab; then
+ ask "C++ compiler warning flags" cxx_warning_flags "-Wall -W -Wpointer-arith -Wcast-align -Wcast-qual -Wwrite-strings"
+fi
+echo
+echo "You probably want the default here, or could use -lncurses_g for"
+echo "debugging ncurses. Use -lcurses -ltermcap if you want to try that,"
+echo "but note that this is no longer supported and may not work."
+ask "Ncurses library" ncurses_lib -lncurses
+echo
+echo "If you have a directory /usr/include/ncurses with the ncurses include"
+echo "files in it, and the <curses.h>, <termcap.h>, etc. in /usr/include"
+echo "are for BSD curses/termcap, you will need to put -I/usr/include/ncurses"
+echo "here. Otherwise (if the ncurses includes are in /usr/include), leave"
+echo "this blank. Leave it blank if /usr/include/ncurses is a symbolic link"
+echo "to /usr/include."
+ask "Ncurses includes" ncurses_includes ''
+
+openssl_lib=
+openssl_includes=
+if building_in factor; then
+ echo
+ echo "factor can use libcrypto from OpenSSL to handle large numbers."
+ ask_yn "Use libcrypto" use_libcrypto y
+ if [ $use_libcrypto = y ]; then
+ echo "If the OpenSSL includes (with files such as bn.h) are not in"
+ echo "/usr/include/openssl, then you will need to specify a -I option"
+ echo "here, naming a directory containing an \"openssl\" subdirectory"
+ echo "with the OpenSSL headers."
+ ask "OpenSSL includes" openssl_includes ''
+ echo "If the OpenSSL libcrypto library is not in a location searched"
+ echo "by the compiler by default, or has a strange name, you will"
+ echo "need to specify the appropriate options to find it here"
+ echo "(for example, -L/usr/ssl/lib -lcrypto); otherwise, leave the"
+ echo "default, which is probably correct."
+ ask "OpenSSL libcrypto library" openssl_lib -lcrypto
+ fi
+fi
+subst_vars="$subst_vars openssl_lib openssl_includes"
+
+ask "Other CFLAGS" other_cflags ''
+ask "Other LDFLAGS" other_ldflags ''
+
+# Check for functions - not in glibc 2.1.1, but could be added later.
+echo "#ifndef LINUX_BSD_GAMES_H" >include/bsd-games.h
+echo "#define LINUX_BSD_GAMES_H 1" >>include/bsd-games.h
+
+if [ "$use_libcrypto" = "y" ]; then
+ echo "#define HAVE_OPENSSL 1" >>include/bsd-games.h
+fi
+
+check_func getloadavg <<EOF
+#include <stdlib.h>
+
+int
+main(void)
+{
+ double la[3];
+ getloadavg(la, 3);
+ return 0;
+}
+EOF
+
+check_func fgetln <<EOF
+#include <stdio.h>
+
+int
+main(void)
+{
+ char *f;
+ size_t l;
+ f = fgetln(stdin, &l);
+ return 0;
+}
+EOF
+
+check_func strlcpy <<EOF
+#include <string.h>
+
+int
+main(void)
+{
+ char s[1] = "";
+ char d[1];
+ strlcpy(d, s, 1);
+ return 0;
+}
+EOF
+
+check_func sig_t <<EOF
+#include <signal.h>
+
+sig_t s;
+
+int
+main(void)
+{
+ return 0;
+}
+EOF
+
+check_func getprogname <<EOF
+#include <stdlib.h>
+
+int
+main(void)
+{
+ const char *n = getprogname();
+ return 0;
+}
+EOF
+
+echo "#endif /* !defined(LINUX_BSD_GAMES_H) */" >>include/bsd-games.h
+
+
+echo
+echo "For some special purposes you may want to link all games with a"
+echo "particular library, in addition to those they would normally be linked"
+echo "with. Unless you know you want this, you can leave it empty."
+ask "Base libraries" base_libs ''
+
+if building_in atc; then
+ ask "Yacc program" yacc "bison -y"
+fi
+if building_in atc; then
+ ask "Lex program" lex flex
+ ask "Lex library" lex_lib -lfl
+fi
+
+echo
+echo "You can choose the default pager for those games that use one (for"
+echo "example, for viewing instructions). This can be an absolute path,"
+echo "or the name of the pager to be searched for via the PATH at runtime."
+echo "All these games will also honour the PAGER environment variable if set,"
+echo "in the correct (POSIX.2) way."
+ask "Pager" pager /usr/bin/less
+
+if building_in fortune; then
+ echo
+ echo "Fortune comes with some potentially offensive fortunes. You should"
+ echo "only install these if you are sure that your users want them."
+ ask_yn "Install offensive fortunes" offensive_fortunes n
+ if [ $offensive_fortunes = y ]; then
+ fortune_type=real
+ else
+ fortune_type=fake
+ fi
+ subst_vars="$subst_vars fortune_type"
+fi
+
+if building_in sail; then
+ echo
+ echo "Sail needs its own directory it can write to for temporary files"
+ echo "to synchronise among multiple players. Note that with the"
+ echo "default permissions given here this will not work: you may want"
+ echo "to choose permissions appropriate to the security policy you are"
+ echo "using. It may be more secure if this directory is not world"
+ echo "accessible (e.g. mode 2770)."
+ ask "Directory for sail temporary files" sail_dir "$varlibdir/sail"
+ askperms "Sail directory" sail_dir root root 0750
+ install_sail_dir=`echo "$install_sail_dir" |sed 's/install -c/install -d/'`
+fi
+
+echo
+echo "You can configure the exact names used for data files by various"
+echo "of the games. Most probably the defaults are OK."
+echo
+echo "Note that bsd-games no longer comes with its own word list."
+echo "For hangman you should specify the path to a word list to be read"
+echo "at runtime (probably /usr/share/dict/words or /usr/dict/words)."
+echo "For boggle you should specify one to be used at compile time to"
+echo "generate boggle's own data. In both cases they should probably be"
+echo "English dictionaries; all words which do not consist entirely of"
+echo "lower-case ASCII letters will be silently ignored."
+echo
+game_ask atc "Directory for atc static data" atc_dir "$sharedir/atc"
+game_ask atc "Score file for atc" atc_scorefile "$varlibdir/atc_score"
+game_ask battlestar "Score file for battlestar" battlestar_scorefile "$varlibdir/battlestar.log"
+# Bog has some other configuration
+game_ask boggle "Dictionary for boggle (CHECK ANSWER)" dictionary_src /usr/share/dict/words
+game_ask boggle "Directory for boggle static data" boggle_dir "$sharedir/boggle"
+game_ask canfield "Score file for canfield" canfield_scorefile "$varlibdir/cfscores"
+game_ask cribbage "File for cribbage instructions" cribbage_instrfile "$sharedir/cribbage.instr"
+game_ask cribbage "Score file for cribbage" cribbage_scorefile "$varlibdir/criblog"
+game_ask dm "Configuration file for dm" dm_configfile /etc/dm.conf
+game_ask dm "File to disable games playing" dm_nogamesfile /etc/nogames
+game_ask dm "Log file for dm" dm_logfile "$varlibdir/games.log"
+game_ask fish "File for fish instructions" fish_instrfile "$sharedir/fish.instr"
+game_ask fortune "Directory for fortune files" fortune_dir "$sharedir/fortune"
+game_ask hack "Directory for hack variable data" hack_dir "$varlibdir/hack"
+
+if building_in hack; then
+ echo
+ echo "This directory will need to be writable by hack at runtime."
+ echo "Note that with the default permissions given here this will"
+ echo "not work: you may want to choose permissions appropriate to the"
+ echo "security policy you are using (e.g. 2775 root.games for setgid"
+ echo "games)."
+ askperms "Hack directory" hack_dir root root 0755
+ install_hack_dir=`echo "$install_hack_dir" |sed 's/install -c/install -d/'`
+fi
+
+game_ask hangman "Words file for hangman (CHECK ANSWER)" hangman_wordsfile /usr/share/dict/words
+# Hunt has some other configuration
+game_ask monop "File for monop cards" monop_cardsfile "$sharedir/monop-cards.pck"
+game_ask phantasia "Directory for phantasia variable data" phantasia_dir "$varlibdir/phantasia"
+game_ask quiz "Directory for quiz static data" quiz_dir "$sharedir/quiz"
+game_ask robots "Score file for robots" robots_scorefile "$varlibdir/robots_roll"
+game_ask rogue "Score file for rogue" rogue_scorefile "$varlibdir/rogue.scores"
+game_ask sail "Score file for sail" sail_scorefile "$varlibdir/saillog"
+game_ask snake "Score file for snake" snake_scorefile "$varlibdir/snake.log"
+game_ask snake "Raw score file for snake" snake_rawscorefile "$varlibdir/snakerawscores"
+game_ask tetris "Score file for tetris" tetris_scorefile "$varlibdir/tetris-bsd.scores"
+game_ask wtf "Acronym database for wtf" wtf_acronymfile "/usr/share/misc/acronyms"
+game_ask wump "File for wump info" wump_infofile "$sharedir/wump.info"
+
+# Generate simplistic substitution script.
+# This does not allow escaped @s in the substituted file, will fail on
+# newline or % in filenames, etc.. The justification is that proper insertion
+# of arbitrary 8-bit data in different files requires too much knowledge
+# of escapes specific to the particular file type, so these things would
+# probably fail anyway.
+: >subst.sed
+for var in $subst_vars; do
+ eval echo \""s%@$var@%\$$var%g"\" >> subst.sed
+done
+
+substitute () {
+ for file in "$@"; do
+ dir="${file%%/*}"
+ if building_in $dir || [ "$file" = "$dir" ]; then
+ source_file="${file}.in"
+ case "$file" in
+ (quiz/datfiles/index)
+ # Can't put a comment in this file
+ subst_type=n
+ ;;
+ (Makeconfig)
+ subst_type=h
+ ;;
+ (*.[1-9])
+ subst_type=m
+ ;;
+ (*.[ch])
+ subst_type=c
+ ;;
+ (*)
+ subst_type=s
+ ;;
+ esac
+ if [ "$rules_only" = y ]; then
+ ./substscr r "$subst_type" "$source_file" "$file"
+ else
+ ./substscr gr "$subst_type" "$source_file" "$file"
+ fi
+ fi
+ done
+}
+
+: >subst.rules
+
+rules_only=n
+subst_files="`sed '/^#/d' <substfiles`"
+
+substitute $subst_files
+
+rules_only=y
+subst_files="`sed '/^#/d' <substfiles2`"
+
+substitute $subst_files
+
+# Now we want to create the main GNUmakefile that includes the subdirectory
+# fragments and all the necessary dependencies. This may take some time.
+
+echo "Generating the main GNUmakefile, please wait..."
+
+prog_to_exec () {
+ if [ "x$(dirname $1)" = x. ]; then
+ echo "$1/$1"
+ else
+ echo "$1"
+ fi
+}
+
+slashdot_to_under () {
+ echo "$1" |sed 's:/:_:g' |sed 's:\.:_:g'
+}
+
+exec_to_libs () {
+ eval echo \$$(slashdot_to_under $1)_libs
+}
+
+exec_to_objs () {
+ eval echo \$$(slashdot_to_under $1)_objs
+}
+
+make_dirs_tmp="$(find $build_dirs -depth -type d) lib"
+
+make_dirs=
+
+for dir in $make_dirs_tmp; do
+ if [ -e $dir/Makefrag ]; then
+ make_dirs="$make_dirs $dir"
+ fi
+done
+
+all_dependencies=
+
+for dir in $make_dirs; do
+ udir=$(slashdot_to_under $dir)
+ all_dependencies="$all_dependencies ${udir}_all"
+done
+
+cat >GNUmakefile <<EOF
+# GNUmakefile - automatically generated by configure. Do not edit.
+
+# No suffix rules
+.SUFFIXES:
+
+# Include configuration
+include Makeconfig
+
+.PHONY: all $all_dependencies
+all: $all_dependencies
+
+# Include substitution rules.
+include subst.rules
+
+EOF
+
+for dir in $make_dirs; do
+ udir=$(slashdot_to_under $dir)
+ eval clean_$udir=
+ if [ $dir = dab ]; then
+ cat >>GNUmakefile <<EOF
+include $dir/Makefrag
+
+$dir/%.o: $dir/%.cc
+ \$(CXX) \$(CXXFLAGS) \$(${udir}_CXXFLAGS) \$(${udir}_DEFS) \$(BASE_INCS) -I$dir \$(${udir}_INCS) -c \$< -o \$@
+
+$dir/%.ii: $dir/%.cc
+ \$(CXX) \$(CXXFLAGS) \$(${udir}_CXXFLAGS) \$(${udir}_DEFS) \$(BASE_INCS) -I$dir \$(${udir}_INCS) -E \$< -o \$@
+
+$dir/%.s: $dir/%.cc
+ \$(CXX) \$(CXXFLAGS) \$(${udir}_CXXFLAGS) \$(${udir}_DEFS) \$(BASE_INCS) -I$dir \$(${udir}_INCS) -S -fverbose-asm \$< -o \$@
+
+$dir/%.d: $dir/%.cc
+ ./mkdep \$< \$@ \$(CXX) \$(CXXFLAGS) \$(${udir}_CXXFLAGS) \$(${udir}_DEFS) \$(BASE_INCS) -I$dir \$(${udir}_INCS)
+
+EOF
+ elif [ $dir = adventure ]; then
+ cat >>GNUmakefile <<EOF
+include $dir/Makefrag
+
+$dir/setup.o: $dir/setup.c
+ \$(BUILD_CC) -I$dir \$(${udir}_INCS) -c \$< -o \$@
+
+$dir/%.o: $dir/%.c
+ \$(CC) \$(CFLAGS) \$(${udir}_CFLAGS) \$(${udir}_DEFS) \$(BASE_INCS) -I$dir \$(${udir}_INCS) -c \$< -o \$@
+
+$dir/%.i: $dir/%.c
+ \$(CC) \$(CFLAGS) \$(${udir}_CFLAGS) \$(${udir}_DEFS) \$(BASE_INCS) -I$dir \$(${udir}_INCS) -E \$< -o \$@
+
+$dir/%.s: $dir/%.c
+ \$(CC) \$(CFLAGS) \$(${udir}_CFLAGS) \$(${udir}_DEFS) \$(BASE_INCS) -I$dir \$(${udir}_INCS) -S -fverbose-asm \$< -o \$@
+
+$dir/setup.d: $dir/setup.c
+ ./mkdep \$< \$@ \$(BUILD_CC) \$(${udir}_DEFS) -I$dir \$(${udir}_INCS)
+
+$dir/%.d: $dir/%.c
+ ./mkdep \$< \$@ \$(CC) \$(CFLAGS) \$(${udir}_CFLAGS) \$(${udir}_DEFS) \$(BASE_INCS) -I$dir \$(${udir}_INCS)
+
+EOF
+ elif [ $dir = hack ]; then
+ cat >>GNUmakefile <<EOF
+include $dir/Makefrag
+
+$dir/makedefs.o: $dir/makedefs.c
+ \$(BUILD_CC) -I$dir \$(${udir}_INCS) -c \$< -o \$@
+
+$dir/%.o: $dir/%.c
+ \$(CC) \$(CFLAGS) \$(${udir}_CFLAGS) \$(${udir}_DEFS) \$(BASE_INCS) -I$dir \$(${udir}_INCS) -c \$< -o \$@
+
+$dir/%.i: $dir/%.c
+ \$(CC) \$(CFLAGS) \$(${udir}_CFLAGS) \$(${udir}_DEFS) \$(BASE_INCS) -I$dir \$(${udir}_INCS) -E \$< -o \$@
+
+$dir/%.s: $dir/%.c
+ \$(CC) \$(CFLAGS) \$(${udir}_CFLAGS) \$(${udir}_DEFS) \$(BASE_INCS) -I$dir \$(${udir}_INCS) -S -fverbose-asm \$< -o \$@
+
+$dir/makedefs.d: $dir/makedefs.c
+ ./mkdep \$< \$@ \$(BUILD_CC) \$(${udir}_DEFS) -I$dir \$(${udir}_INCS)
+
+$dir/%.d: $dir/%.c
+ ./mkdep \$< \$@ \$(CC) \$(CFLAGS) \$(${udir}_CFLAGS) \$(${udir}_DEFS) \$(BASE_INCS) -I$dir \$(${udir}_INCS)
+
+EOF
+ elif [ $dir = monop ]; then
+ cat >>GNUmakefile <<EOF
+include $dir/Makefrag
+
+$dir/initdeck.o: $dir/initdeck.c
+ \$(BUILD_CC) -I$dir \$(${udir}_INCS) -c \$< -o \$@
+
+$dir/%.o: $dir/%.c
+ \$(CC) \$(CFLAGS) \$(${udir}_CFLAGS) \$(${udir}_DEFS) \$(BASE_INCS) -I$dir \$(${udir}_INCS) -c \$< -o \$@
+
+$dir/%.i: $dir/%.c
+ \$(CC) \$(CFLAGS) \$(${udir}_CFLAGS) \$(${udir}_DEFS) \$(BASE_INCS) -I$dir \$(${udir}_INCS) -E \$< -o \$@
+
+$dir/%.s: $dir/%.c
+ \$(CC) \$(CFLAGS) \$(${udir}_CFLAGS) \$(${udir}_DEFS) \$(BASE_INCS) -I$dir \$(${udir}_INCS) -S -fverbose-asm \$< -o \$@
+
+$dir/initdeck.d: $dir/initdeck.c
+ ./mkdep \$< \$@ \$(BUILD_CC) \$(${udir}_DEFS) -I$dir \$(${udir}_INCS)
+
+$dir/%.d: $dir/%.c
+ ./mkdep \$< \$@ \$(CC) \$(CFLAGS) \$(${udir}_CFLAGS) \$(${udir}_DEFS) \$(BASE_INCS) -I$dir \$(${udir}_INCS)
+
+EOF
+ elif [ $dir = phantasia ]; then
+ cat >>GNUmakefile <<EOF
+include $dir/Makefrag
+
+$dir/host_phantglobs.o: $dir/phantglobs.c
+ \$(BUILD_CC) -I$dir \$(${udir}_INCS) -c \$< -o \$@
+
+$dir/setup.o: $dir/setup.c
+ \$(BUILD_CC) -I$dir \$(${udir}_INCS) -c \$< -o \$@
+
+$dir/%.o: $dir/%.c
+ \$(CC) \$(CFLAGS) \$(${udir}_CFLAGS) \$(${udir}_DEFS) \$(BASE_INCS) -I$dir \$(${udir}_INCS) -c \$< -o \$@
+
+$dir/%.i: $dir/%.c
+ \$(CC) \$(CFLAGS) \$(${udir}_CFLAGS) \$(${udir}_DEFS) \$(BASE_INCS) -I$dir \$(${udir}_INCS) -E \$< -o \$@
+
+$dir/%.s: $dir/%.c
+ \$(CC) \$(CFLAGS) \$(${udir}_CFLAGS) \$(${udir}_DEFS) \$(BASE_INCS) -I$dir \$(${udir}_INCS) -S -fverbose-asm \$< -o \$@
+
+$dir/host_phantglobs.d: $dir/phantglobs.c
+ ./mkdep \$< \$@ \$(BUILD_CC) \$(${udir}_DEFS) -I$dir \$(${udir}_INCS)
+
+$dir/setup.d: $dir/setup.c
+ ./mkdep \$< \$@ \$(BUILD_CC) \$(${udir}_DEFS) -I$dir \$(${udir}_INCS)
+
+$dir/%.d: $dir/%.c
+ ./mkdep \$< \$@ \$(CC) \$(CFLAGS) \$(${udir}_CFLAGS) \$(${udir}_DEFS) \$(BASE_INCS) -I$dir \$(${udir}_INCS)
+
+EOF
+ elif [ $dir = fortune/strfile ]; then
+ cat >>GNUmakefile <<EOF
+include $dir/Makefrag
+
+$dir/%.o: $dir/%.c
+ \$(CC) \$(CFLAGS) \$(${udir}_CFLAGS) \$(${udir}_DEFS) \$(BASE_INCS) -I$dir \$(${udir}_INCS) -c \$< -o \$@
+
+$dir/strfile_build.o: $dir/strfile.c
+ \$(BUILD_CC) \$(${udir}_CFLAGS) \$(${udir}_DEFS) \$(BASE_INCS) -I$dir \$(${udir}_INCS) -c \$< -o \$@
+
+$dir/%.i: $dir/%.c
+ \$(CC) \$(CFLAGS) \$(${udir}_CFLAGS) \$(${udir}_DEFS) \$(BASE_INCS) -I$dir \$(${udir}_INCS) -E \$< -o \$@
+
+$dir/%.s: $dir/%.c
+ \$(CC) \$(CFLAGS) \$(${udir}_CFLAGS) \$(${udir}_DEFS) \$(BASE_INCS) -I$dir \$(${udir}_INCS) -S -fverbose-asm \$< -o \$@
+
+$dir/strfile_build.d: $dir/strfile.c
+ ./mkdep \$< \$@ \$(BUILD_CC) \$(${udir}_DEFS) -I$dir \$(${udir}_INCS)
+
+$dir/%.d: $dir/%.c
+ ./mkdep \$< \$@ \$(CC) \$(CFLAGS) \$(${udir}_CFLAGS) \$(${udir}_DEFS) \$(BASE_INCS) -I$dir \$(${udir}_INCS)
+
+EOF
+ else
+ cat >>GNUmakefile <<EOF
+include $dir/Makefrag
+
+$dir/%.o: $dir/%.c
+ \$(CC) \$(CFLAGS) \$(${udir}_CFLAGS) \$(${udir}_DEFS) \$(BASE_INCS) -I$dir \$(${udir}_INCS) -c \$< -o \$@
+
+$dir/%.i: $dir/%.c
+ \$(CC) \$(CFLAGS) \$(${udir}_CFLAGS) \$(${udir}_DEFS) \$(BASE_INCS) -I$dir \$(${udir}_INCS) -E \$< -o \$@
+
+$dir/%.s: $dir/%.c
+ \$(CC) \$(CFLAGS) \$(${udir}_CFLAGS) \$(${udir}_DEFS) \$(BASE_INCS) -I$dir \$(${udir}_INCS) -S -fverbose-asm \$< -o \$@
+
+$dir/%.d: $dir/%.c
+ ./mkdep \$< \$@ \$(CC) \$(CFLAGS) \$(${udir}_CFLAGS) \$(${udir}_DEFS) \$(BASE_INCS) -I$dir \$(${udir}_INCS)
+
+EOF
+ fi
+done
+
+# This temporary file is needed because we don't know whether the last
+# part of a pipeline is in the current shell execution environment
+# (POSIX.2, 3.12 and rationale).
+sed '/^#/d' <exec.libs >exec.libs.tmp
+while read prog libs; do
+ if ! building_in ${prog%%/*}; then
+ continue
+ fi
+ exec=$(prog_to_exec $prog)
+ evar=$(slashdot_to_under $exec)_libs
+ eval $evar=\"\$libs\"
+done <exec.libs.tmp
+
+sed '/^#/d' <exec.objs >exec.objs.tmp
+while read prog objs; do
+ if ! building_in ${prog%%/*}; then
+ continue
+ fi
+ exec=$(prog_to_exec $prog)
+ evar=$(slashdot_to_under $exec)_libs
+ eval libs=\"\$$evar\"
+ dir=$(dirname $exec)
+ udir=$(slashdot_to_under $dir)
+ nobjs=
+ deps_to_inc=
+ eval clean_$udir=\"\$clean_$udir $(basename $exec)\"
+ for obj in $objs; do
+ if [ "x$(dirname $obj)" = x. ]; then
+ obj=$dir/$obj
+ fi
+ nobjs="$nobjs $obj"
+ obj_dep_var=$(slashdot_to_under $obj)
+ obj_dep_var=${obj_dep_var}_deps_included
+ eval obj_dep_val=\$$obj_dep_var
+ if [ "x$obj_dep_val" = "x" ]; then
+ deps_to_inc="$deps_to_inc ${obj%%.o}.d"
+ eval $obj_dep_var=y
+ fi
+ done
+ if [ $dir = dab ]; then
+ ccvar=CXX
+ else
+ ccvar=CC
+ fi
+ cat >>GNUmakefile <<EOF
+ifneq (\$(nodep),true)
+include $deps_to_inc
+endif
+
+EOF
+
+ if [ "$exec" == "hack/makedefs" ]; then
+ cat >>GNUmakefile <<EOF
+$exec: $nobjs
+ \$(BUILD_CC) \$^ -o \$@
+
+EOF
+ elif [ "$exec" == "monop/initdeck" ]; then
+ cat >>GNUmakefile <<EOF
+$exec: $nobjs
+ \$(BUILD_CC) \$^ -o \$@
+
+EOF
+ elif [ "$exec" == "phantasia/setup" ]; then
+ cat >>GNUmakefile <<EOF
+$exec: phantasia/host_phantglobs.o phantasia/setup.o
+ \$(BUILD_CC) \$^ -o \$@
+
+EOF
+ elif [ "$exec" == "adventure/setup" ]; then
+ cat >>GNUmakefile <<EOF
+$exec: $nobjs
+ \$(BUILD_CC) \$^ -o \$@
+
+EOF
+ elif [ "$exec" == "fortune/strfile/strfile" ]; then
+ cat >>GNUmakefile <<EOF
+fortune/strfile/strfile_build: fortune/strfile/strfile_build.o
+ \$(BUILD_CC) \$^ $libs \$(BASE_LIBS) -o \$@
+
+$exec: $nobjs
+ \$($ccvar) \$(LDFLAGS) \$^ $libs \$(BASE_LIBS) -o \$@
+
+EOF
+ else
+ cat >>GNUmakefile <<EOF
+$exec: $nobjs
+ \$($ccvar) \$(LDFLAGS) \$^ $libs \$(BASE_LIBS) -o \$@
+
+EOF
+ fi
+done <exec.objs.tmp
+
+rm -f exec.libs.tmp exec.objs.tmp
+
+clean_dependencies=
+install_dependencies=
+
+for dir in $make_dirs; do
+ udir=$(slashdot_to_under $dir)
+ clean_dependencies="$clean_dependencies ${udir}_clean"
+ install_dependencies="$install_dependencies ${udir}_install"
+ eval clean=\"\$clean_$udir\"
+ cat >>GNUmakefile <<EOF
+.PHONY: ${udir}_clean
+${udir}_clean:
+ cd $dir && rm -f -- a.out core *.o *.d *.i *.s *.d.tmp $clean \$(${udir}_CLEANFILES)
+
+.PHONY: ${udir}_install ${udir}_install-strip ${udir}_installdirs
+${udir}_install: ${udir}_installdirs
+
+${udir}_install-strip:
+ \$(MAKE) ${udir}_install \$(DEFS_TO_PASS_STRIP)
+
+${udir}_installdirs:
+ set -e; for d in \$(${udir}_DIRS) /; do mkdir -p \$(INSTALL_PREFIX)\$\$d; done
+
+EOF
+done
+
+cat >>GNUmakefile <<EOF
+.PHONY: clean mostlyclean distclean maintainer-clean
+clean mostlyclean: $clean_dependencies
+
+distclean maintainer-clean: clean
+ rm -f subst.sed subst.rules
+ rm -f test.out
+ rm -f \`cat substfiles substfiles2 |sed '/^#/d'\`
+ rm -f GNUmakefile
+ rm -f a.out conftest.c include/bsd-games.h
+ rm -f exec.libs.tmp exec.objs.tmp
+
+.PHONY: install install-strip
+
+install: $install_dependencies
+
+install-strip:
+ \$(MAKE) install \$(DEFS_TO_PASS_STRIP)
+
+.PHONY: check test
+check test: all
+ set -e; for f in tests/*.test; do echo \$\$f; \$\$f; done
+
+# Standard GNU targets we don't support
+.PHONY: uninstall TAGS dist
+uninstall TAGS dist:
+ @echo "The GNU target \\\`\$@' is not supported by this package." >&2; exit 1
+
+# GNU targets that can do nothing
+.PHONY: info dvi
+info dvi:
+ @echo "This package comes with no Texinfo documentation."
+
+EOF
Property changes on: bsd-games/create-2.17-patch/bsd-games-2.17-new/configure
___________________________________________________________________
Added: svn:executable
## -0,0 +1 ##
+*
\ No newline at end of property
Index: bsd-games/create-2.17-patch/bsd-games-2.17-new/cribbage/crib.c
===================================================================
--- bsd-games/create-2.17-patch/bsd-games-2.17-new/cribbage/crib.c (nonexistent)
+++ bsd-games/create-2.17-patch/bsd-games-2.17-new/cribbage/crib.c (revision 5)
@@ -0,0 +1,658 @@
+/* $NetBSD: crib.c,v 1.19 2004/01/27 20:30:29 jsm Exp $ */
+
+/*-
+ * Copyright (c) 1980, 1993
+ * The Regents of the University of California. All rights reserved.
+ *
+ * Redistribution and use in source and binary forms, with or without
+ * modification, are permitted provided that the following conditions
+ * are met:
+ * 1. Redistributions of source code must retain the above copyright
+ * notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer.
+ * 2. Redistributions in binary form must reproduce the above copyright
+ * notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer in the
+ * documentation and/or other materials provided with the distribution.
+ * 3. Neither the name of the University nor the names of its contributors
+ * may be used to endorse or promote products derived from this software
+ * without specific prior written permission.
+ *
+ * THIS SOFTWARE IS PROVIDED BY THE REGENTS AND CONTRIBUTORS ``AS IS'' AND
+ * ANY EXPRESS OR IMPLIED WARRANTIES, INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, THE
+ * IMPLIED WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTABILITY AND FITNESS FOR A PARTICULAR PURPOSE
+ * ARE DISCLAIMED. IN NO EVENT SHALL THE REGENTS OR CONTRIBUTORS BE LIABLE
+ * FOR ANY DIRECT, INDIRECT, INCIDENTAL, SPECIAL, EXEMPLARY, OR CONSEQUENTIAL
+ * DAMAGES (INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, PROCUREMENT OF SUBSTITUTE GOODS
+ * OR SERVICES; LOSS OF USE, DATA, OR PROFITS; OR BUSINESS INTERRUPTION)
+ * HOWEVER CAUSED AND ON ANY THEORY OF LIABILITY, WHETHER IN CONTRACT, STRICT
+ * LIABILITY, OR TORT (INCLUDING NEGLIGENCE OR OTHERWISE) ARISING IN ANY WAY
+ * OUT OF THE USE OF THIS SOFTWARE, EVEN IF ADVISED OF THE POSSIBILITY OF
+ * SUCH DAMAGE.
+ */
+
+#include <sys/cdefs.h>
+#ifndef lint
+__COPYRIGHT("@(#) Copyright (c) 1980, 1993\n\
+ The Regents of the University of California. All rights reserved.\n");
+#endif /* not lint */
+
+#ifndef lint
+#if 0
+static char sccsid[] = "@(#)crib.c 8.1 (Berkeley) 5/31/93";
+#else
+__RCSID("$NetBSD: crib.c,v 1.19 2004/01/27 20:30:29 jsm Exp $");
+#endif
+#endif /* not lint */
+
+#include <curses.h>
+#include <err.h>
+#include <fcntl.h>
+#include <signal.h>
+#include <stdlib.h>
+#include <string.h>
+#include <unistd.h>
+
+#include "deck.h"
+#include "cribbage.h"
+#include "cribcur.h"
+#include "pathnames.h"
+
+int main(int, char *[]);
+
+int
+main(argc, argv)
+ int argc;
+ char *argv[];
+{
+ BOOLEAN playing;
+ FILE *f;
+ int ch;
+ int fd;
+ int flags;
+
+ f = fopen(_PATH_LOG, "a");
+ if (f == NULL)
+ warn("fopen %s", _PATH_LOG);
+ if (f != NULL && fileno(f) < 3)
+ exit(1);
+
+ /* Revoke setgid privileges */
+ setregid(getgid(), getgid());
+
+ /* Set close-on-exec flag on log file */
+ if (f != NULL) {
+ fd = fileno(f);
+ flags = fcntl(fd, F_GETFD);
+ if (flags < 0)
+ err(1, "fcntl F_GETFD");
+ flags |= FD_CLOEXEC;
+ if (fcntl(fd, F_SETFD, flags) == -1)
+ err(1, "fcntl F_SETFD");
+ }
+
+ while ((ch = getopt(argc, argv, "eqr")) != -1)
+ switch (ch) {
+ case 'e':
+ explain = TRUE;
+ break;
+ case 'q':
+ quiet = TRUE;
+ break;
+ case 'r':
+ rflag = TRUE;
+ break;
+ case '?':
+ default:
+ (void) fprintf(stderr, "usage: cribbage [-eqr]\n");
+ exit(1);
+ }
+
+ initscr();
+ (void)signal(SIGINT, receive_intr);
+ cbreak();
+ noecho();
+
+ Playwin = subwin(stdscr, PLAY_Y, PLAY_X, 0, 0);
+ Tablewin = subwin(stdscr, TABLE_Y, TABLE_X, 0, PLAY_X);
+ Compwin = subwin(stdscr, COMP_Y, COMP_X, 0, TABLE_X + PLAY_X);
+ Msgwin = subwin(stdscr, MSG_Y, MSG_X, Y_MSG_START, SCORE_X + 1);
+ leaveok(Playwin, TRUE);
+ leaveok(Tablewin, TRUE);
+ leaveok(Compwin, TRUE);
+ clearok(stdscr, FALSE);
+
+ if (!quiet) {
+ msg("Do you need instructions for cribbage? ");
+ if (getuchar() == 'Y') {
+ endwin();
+ clear();
+ mvcur(0, COLS - 1, LINES - 1, 0);
+ fflush(stdout);
+ instructions();
+ cbreak();
+ noecho();
+ clear();
+ refresh();
+ msg("For cribbage rules, use \"man cribbage\"");
+ }
+ }
+ playing = TRUE;
+ do {
+ wclrtobot(Msgwin);
+ msg(quiet ? "L or S? " : "Long (to 121) or Short (to 61)? ");
+ if (glimit == SGAME)
+ glimit = (getuchar() == 'L' ? LGAME : SGAME);
+ else
+ glimit = (getuchar() == 'S' ? SGAME : LGAME);
+ game();
+ msg("Another game? ");
+ playing = (getuchar() == 'Y');
+ } while (playing);
+
+ if (f != NULL) {
+ (void)fprintf(f, "%s: won %5.5d, lost %5.5d\n",
+ getlogin(), cgames, pgames);
+ (void) fclose(f);
+ }
+ bye();
+ exit(0);
+}
+
+/*
+ * makeboard:
+ * Print out the initial board on the screen
+ */
+void
+makeboard()
+{
+ mvaddstr(SCORE_Y + 0, SCORE_X,
+ "+---------------------------------------+");
+ mvaddstr(SCORE_Y + 1, SCORE_X,
+ "| Score: 0 YOU |");
+ mvaddstr(SCORE_Y + 2, SCORE_X,
+ "| *.....:.....:.....:.....:.....:..... |");
+ mvaddstr(SCORE_Y + 3, SCORE_X,
+ "| *.....:.....:.....:.....:.....:..... |");
+ mvaddstr(SCORE_Y + 4, SCORE_X,
+ "| |");
+ mvaddstr(SCORE_Y + 5, SCORE_X,
+ "| *.....:.....:.....:.....:.....:..... |");
+ mvaddstr(SCORE_Y + 6, SCORE_X,
+ "| *.....:.....:.....:.....:.....:..... |");
+ mvaddstr(SCORE_Y + 7, SCORE_X,
+ "| Score: 0 ME |");
+ mvaddstr(SCORE_Y + 8, SCORE_X,
+ "+---------------------------------------+");
+ gamescore();
+}
+
+/*
+ * gamescore:
+ * Print out the current game score
+ */
+void
+gamescore()
+{
+ if (pgames || cgames) {
+ mvprintw(SCORE_Y + 1, SCORE_X + 28, "Games: %3d", pgames);
+ mvprintw(SCORE_Y + 7, SCORE_X + 28, "Games: %3d", cgames);
+ }
+ Lastscore[0] = -1;
+ Lastscore[1] = -1;
+}
+
+/*
+ * game:
+ * Play one game up to glimit points. Actually, we only ASK the
+ * player what card to turn. We do a random one, anyway.
+ */
+void
+game()
+{
+ int i, j;
+ BOOLEAN flag;
+ BOOLEAN compcrib;
+
+ compcrib = FALSE;
+ makedeck(deck);
+ shuffle(deck);
+ if (gamecount == 0) {
+ flag = TRUE;
+ do {
+ if (!rflag) { /* player cuts deck */
+ msg(quiet ? "Cut for crib? " :
+ "Cut to see whose crib it is -- low card wins? ");
+ cr_getline();
+ }
+ i = (rand() >> 4) % CARDS; /* random cut */
+ do { /* comp cuts deck */
+ j = (rand() >> 4) % CARDS;
+ } while (j == i);
+ addmsg(quiet ? "You cut " : "You cut the ");
+ msgcard(deck[i], FALSE);
+ endmsg();
+ addmsg(quiet ? "I cut " : "I cut the ");
+ msgcard(deck[j], FALSE);
+ endmsg();
+ flag = (deck[i].rank == deck[j].rank);
+ if (flag) {
+ msg(quiet ? "We tied..." :
+ "We tied and have to try again...");
+ shuffle(deck);
+ continue;
+ } else
+ compcrib = (deck[i].rank > deck[j].rank);
+ } while (flag);
+ do_wait();
+ clear();
+ makeboard();
+ refresh();
+ } else {
+ makeboard();
+ refresh();
+ werase(Tablewin);
+ wrefresh(Tablewin);
+ werase(Compwin);
+ wrefresh(Compwin);
+ msg("Loser (%s) gets first crib", (iwon ? "you" : "me"));
+ compcrib = !iwon;
+ }
+
+ pscore = cscore = 0;
+ flag = TRUE;
+ do {
+ shuffle(deck);
+ flag = !playhand(compcrib);
+ compcrib = !compcrib;
+ } while (flag);
+ ++gamecount;
+ if (cscore < pscore) {
+ if (glimit - cscore > 60) {
+ msg("YOU DOUBLE SKUNKED ME!");
+ pgames += 4;
+ } else
+ if (glimit - cscore > 30) {
+ msg("YOU SKUNKED ME!");
+ pgames += 2;
+ } else {
+ msg("YOU WON!");
+ ++pgames;
+ }
+ iwon = FALSE;
+ } else {
+ if (glimit - pscore > 60) {
+ msg("I DOUBLE SKUNKED YOU!");
+ cgames += 4;
+ } else
+ if (glimit - pscore > 30) {
+ msg("I SKUNKED YOU!");
+ cgames += 2;
+ } else {
+ msg("I WON!");
+ ++cgames;
+ }
+ iwon = TRUE;
+ }
+ gamescore();
+}
+
+/*
+ * playhand:
+ * Do up one hand of the game
+ */
+int
+playhand(mycrib)
+ BOOLEAN mycrib;
+{
+ int deckpos;
+
+ werase(Compwin);
+ wrefresh(Compwin);
+ werase(Tablewin);
+ wrefresh(Tablewin);
+
+ knownum = 0;
+ deckpos = deal(mycrib);
+ sorthand(chand, FULLHAND);
+ sorthand(phand, FULLHAND);
+ makeknown(chand, FULLHAND);
+ prhand(phand, FULLHAND, Playwin, FALSE);
+ discard(mycrib);
+ if (cut(mycrib, deckpos))
+ return TRUE;
+ if (peg(mycrib))
+ return TRUE;
+ werase(Tablewin);
+ wrefresh(Tablewin);
+ if (score(mycrib))
+ return TRUE;
+ return FALSE;
+}
+
+/*
+ * deal cards to both players from deck
+ */
+int
+deal(mycrib)
+ BOOLEAN mycrib;
+{
+ int i, j;
+
+ for (i = j = 0; i < FULLHAND; i++) {
+ if (mycrib) {
+ phand[i] = deck[j++];
+ chand[i] = deck[j++];
+ } else {
+ chand[i] = deck[j++];
+ phand[i] = deck[j++];
+ }
+ }
+ return (j);
+}
+
+/*
+ * discard:
+ * Handle players discarding into the crib...
+ * Note: we call cdiscard() after prining first message so player doesn't wait
+ */
+void
+discard(mycrib)
+ BOOLEAN mycrib;
+{
+ const char *prompt;
+ CARD crd;
+
+ prcrib(mycrib, TRUE);
+ prompt = (quiet ? "Discard --> " : "Discard a card --> ");
+ cdiscard(mycrib); /* puts best discard at end */
+ crd = phand[infrom(phand, FULLHAND, prompt)];
+ cremove(crd, phand, FULLHAND);
+ prhand(phand, FULLHAND, Playwin, FALSE);
+ crib[0] = crd;
+
+ /* Next four lines same as last four except for cdiscard(). */
+ crd = phand[infrom(phand, FULLHAND - 1, prompt)];
+ cremove(crd, phand, FULLHAND - 1);
+ prhand(phand, FULLHAND, Playwin, FALSE);
+ crib[1] = crd;
+ crib[2] = chand[4];
+ crib[3] = chand[5];
+ chand[4].rank = chand[4].suit = chand[5].rank = chand[5].suit = EMPTY;
+}
+
+/*
+ * cut:
+ * Cut the deck and set turnover. Actually, we only ASK the
+ * player what card to turn. We do a random one, anyway.
+ */
+int
+cut(mycrib, pos)
+ BOOLEAN mycrib;
+ int pos;
+{
+ int i;
+ BOOLEAN win;
+
+ win = FALSE;
+ if (mycrib) {
+ if (!rflag) { /* random cut */
+ msg(quiet ? "Cut the deck? " :
+ "How many cards down do you wish to cut the deck? ");
+ cr_getline();
+ }
+ i = (rand() >> 4) % (CARDS - pos);
+ turnover = deck[i + pos];
+ addmsg(quiet ? "You cut " : "You cut the ");
+ msgcard(turnover, FALSE);
+ endmsg();
+ if (turnover.rank == JACK) {
+ msg("I get two for his heels");
+ win = chkscr(&cscore, 2);
+ }
+ } else {
+ i = (rand() >> 4) % (CARDS - pos) + pos;
+ turnover = deck[i];
+ addmsg(quiet ? "I cut " : "I cut the ");
+ msgcard(turnover, FALSE);
+ endmsg();
+ if (turnover.rank == JACK) {
+ msg("You get two for his heels");
+ win = chkscr(&pscore, 2);
+ }
+ }
+ makeknown(&turnover, 1);
+ prcrib(mycrib, FALSE);
+ return (win);
+}
+
+/*
+ * prcrib:
+ * Print out the turnover card with crib indicator
+ */
+void
+prcrib(mycrib, blank)
+ BOOLEAN mycrib, blank;
+{
+ int y, cardx;
+
+ if (mycrib)
+ cardx = CRIB_X;
+ else
+ cardx = 0;
+
+ mvaddstr(CRIB_Y, cardx + 1, "CRIB");
+ prcard(stdscr, CRIB_Y + 1, cardx, turnover, blank);
+
+ if (mycrib)
+ cardx = 0;
+ else
+ cardx = CRIB_X;
+
+ for (y = CRIB_Y; y <= CRIB_Y + 5; y++)
+ mvaddstr(y, cardx, " ");
+ refresh();
+}
+
+/*
+ * peg:
+ * Handle all the pegging...
+ */
+static CARD Table[14];
+static int Tcnt;
+
+int
+peg(mycrib)
+ BOOLEAN mycrib;
+{
+ static CARD ch[CINHAND], ph[CINHAND];
+ int i, j, k;
+ int l;
+ int cnum, pnum, sum;
+ BOOLEAN myturn, mego, ugo, last, played;
+ CARD crd;
+
+ played = FALSE;
+ cnum = pnum = CINHAND;
+ for (i = 0; i < CINHAND; i++) { /* make copies of hands */
+ ch[i] = chand[i];
+ ph[i] = phand[i];
+ }
+ Tcnt = 0; /* index to table of cards played */
+ sum = 0; /* sum of cards played */
+ mego = ugo = FALSE;
+ myturn = !mycrib;
+ for (;;) {
+ last = TRUE; /* enable last flag */
+ prhand(ph, pnum, Playwin, FALSE);
+ prhand(ch, cnum, Compwin, TRUE);
+ prtable(sum);
+ if (myturn) { /* my tyrn to play */
+ if (!anymove(ch, cnum, sum)) { /* if no card to play */
+ if (!mego && cnum) { /* go for comp? */
+ msg("GO");
+ mego = TRUE;
+ }
+ /* can player move? */
+ if (anymove(ph, pnum, sum))
+ myturn = !myturn;
+ else { /* give him his point */
+ msg(quiet ? "You get one" :
+ "You get one point");
+ do_wait();
+ if (chkscr(&pscore, 1))
+ return TRUE;
+ sum = 0;
+ mego = ugo = FALSE;
+ Tcnt = 0;
+ }
+ } else {
+ played = TRUE;
+ j = -1;
+ k = 0;
+ /* maximize score */
+ for (i = 0; i < cnum; i++) {
+ l = pegscore(ch[i], Table, Tcnt, sum);
+ if (l > k) {
+ k = l;
+ j = i;
+ }
+ }
+ if (j < 0) /* if nothing scores */
+ j = cchose(ch, cnum, sum);
+ crd = ch[j];
+ cremove(crd, ch, cnum--);
+ sum += VAL(crd.rank);
+ Table[Tcnt++] = crd;
+ if (k > 0) {
+ addmsg(quiet ? "I get %d playing " :
+ "I get %d points playing ", k);
+ msgcard(crd, FALSE);
+ endmsg();
+ if (chkscr(&cscore, k))
+ return TRUE;
+ }
+ myturn = !myturn;
+ }
+ } else {
+ if (!anymove(ph, pnum, sum)) { /* can player move? */
+ if (!ugo && pnum) { /* go for player */
+ msg("You have a GO");
+ ugo = TRUE;
+ }
+ /* can computer play? */
+ if (anymove(ch, cnum, sum))
+ myturn = !myturn;
+ else {
+ msg(quiet ? "I get one" :
+ "I get one point");
+ do_wait();
+ if (chkscr(&cscore, 1))
+ return TRUE;
+ sum = 0;
+ mego = ugo = FALSE;
+ Tcnt = 0;
+ }
+ } else { /* player plays */
+ played = FALSE;
+ if (pnum == 1) {
+ crd = ph[0];
+ msg("You play your last card");
+ } else
+ for (;;) {
+ prhand(ph,
+ pnum, Playwin, FALSE);
+ crd = ph[infrom(ph,
+ pnum, "Your play: ")];
+ if (sum + VAL(crd.rank) <= 31)
+ break;
+ else
+ msg("Total > 31 -- try again");
+ }
+ makeknown(&crd, 1);
+ cremove(crd, ph, pnum--);
+ i = pegscore(crd, Table, Tcnt, sum);
+ sum += VAL(crd.rank);
+ Table[Tcnt++] = crd;
+ if (i > 0) {
+ msg(quiet ? "You got %d" :
+ "You got %d points", i);
+ if (pnum == 0)
+ do_wait();
+ if (chkscr(&pscore, i))
+ return TRUE;
+ }
+ myturn = !myturn;
+ }
+ }
+ if (sum >= 31) {
+ if (!myturn)
+ do_wait();
+ sum = 0;
+ mego = ugo = FALSE;
+ Tcnt = 0;
+ last = FALSE; /* disable last flag */
+ }
+ if (!pnum && !cnum)
+ break; /* both done */
+ }
+ prhand(ph, pnum, Playwin, FALSE);
+ prhand(ch, cnum, Compwin, TRUE);
+ prtable(sum);
+ if (last) {
+ if (played) {
+ msg(quiet ? "I get one for last" :
+ "I get one point for last");
+ do_wait();
+ if (chkscr(&cscore, 1))
+ return TRUE;
+ } else {
+ msg(quiet ? "You get one for last" :
+ "You get one point for last");
+ do_wait();
+ if (chkscr(&pscore, 1))
+ return TRUE;
+ }
+ }
+ return (FALSE);
+}
+
+/*
+ * prtable:
+ * Print out the table with the current score
+ */
+void
+prtable(score)
+ int score;
+{
+ prhand(Table, Tcnt, Tablewin, FALSE);
+ mvwprintw(Tablewin, (Tcnt + 2) * 2, Tcnt + 1, "%2d", score);
+ wrefresh(Tablewin);
+}
+
+/*
+ * score:
+ * Handle the scoring of the hands
+ */
+int
+score(mycrib)
+ BOOLEAN mycrib;
+{
+ sorthand(crib, CINHAND);
+ if (mycrib) {
+ if (plyrhand(phand, "hand"))
+ return (TRUE);
+ if (comphand(chand, "hand"))
+ return (TRUE);
+ do_wait();
+ if (comphand(crib, "crib"))
+ return (TRUE);
+ do_wait();
+ } else {
+ if (comphand(chand, "hand"))
+ return (TRUE);
+ if (plyrhand(phand, "hand"))
+ return (TRUE);
+ if (plyrhand(crib, "crib"))
+ return (TRUE);
+ }
+ return (FALSE);
+}
Index: bsd-games/create-2.17-patch/bsd-games-2.17-new/cribbage/cribbage.h
===================================================================
--- bsd-games/create-2.17-patch/bsd-games-2.17-new/cribbage/cribbage.h (nonexistent)
+++ bsd-games/create-2.17-patch/bsd-games-2.17-new/cribbage/cribbage.h (revision 5)
@@ -0,0 +1,112 @@
+/* $NetBSD: cribbage.h,v 1.12 2004/02/08 22:23:50 jsm Exp $ */
+
+/*
+ * Copyright (c) 1980, 1993
+ * The Regents of the University of California. All rights reserved.
+ *
+ * Redistribution and use in source and binary forms, with or without
+ * modification, are permitted provided that the following conditions
+ * are met:
+ * 1. Redistributions of source code must retain the above copyright
+ * notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer.
+ * 2. Redistributions in binary form must reproduce the above copyright
+ * notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer in the
+ * documentation and/or other materials provided with the distribution.
+ * 3. Neither the name of the University nor the names of its contributors
+ * may be used to endorse or promote products derived from this software
+ * without specific prior written permission.
+ *
+ * THIS SOFTWARE IS PROVIDED BY THE REGENTS AND CONTRIBUTORS ``AS IS'' AND
+ * ANY EXPRESS OR IMPLIED WARRANTIES, INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, THE
+ * IMPLIED WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTABILITY AND FITNESS FOR A PARTICULAR PURPOSE
+ * ARE DISCLAIMED. IN NO EVENT SHALL THE REGENTS OR CONTRIBUTORS BE LIABLE
+ * FOR ANY DIRECT, INDIRECT, INCIDENTAL, SPECIAL, EXEMPLARY, OR CONSEQUENTIAL
+ * DAMAGES (INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, PROCUREMENT OF SUBSTITUTE GOODS
+ * OR SERVICES; LOSS OF USE, DATA, OR PROFITS; OR BUSINESS INTERRUPTION)
+ * HOWEVER CAUSED AND ON ANY THEORY OF LIABILITY, WHETHER IN CONTRACT, STRICT
+ * LIABILITY, OR TORT (INCLUDING NEGLIGENCE OR OTHERWISE) ARISING IN ANY WAY
+ * OUT OF THE USE OF THIS SOFTWARE, EVEN IF ADVISED OF THE POSSIBILITY OF
+ * SUCH DAMAGE.
+ *
+ * @(#)cribbage.h 8.1 (Berkeley) 5/31/93
+ */
+
+extern CARD deck[ CARDS ]; /* a deck */
+extern CARD phand[ FULLHAND ]; /* player's hand */
+extern CARD chand[ FULLHAND ]; /* computer's hand */
+extern CARD crib[ CINHAND ]; /* the crib */
+extern CARD turnover; /* the starter */
+
+extern CARD known[ CARDS ]; /* cards we have seen */
+extern int knownum; /* # of cards we know */
+
+extern int pscore; /* player's score */
+extern int cscore; /* comp's score */
+extern int glimit; /* points to win game */
+
+extern int pgames; /* player's games won */
+extern int cgames; /* comp's games won */
+extern int gamecount; /* # games played */
+extern int Lastscore[2]; /* previous score for each */
+
+extern BOOLEAN iwon; /* if comp won last */
+extern BOOLEAN explain; /* player mistakes explained */
+extern BOOLEAN rflag; /* if all cuts random */
+extern BOOLEAN quiet; /* if suppress random mess */
+extern BOOLEAN playing; /* currently playing game */
+
+extern char cr_explan[]; /* string for explanation */
+
+void addmsg(const char *, ...)
+ __attribute__((__format__(__printf__, 1, 2)));
+int adjust(const CARD [], CARD);
+int anymove(const CARD [], int, int);
+int anysumto(const CARD [], int, int, int);
+void bye(void);
+int cchose(const CARD [], int, int);
+void cdiscard(BOOLEAN);
+int chkscr(int *, int);
+int comphand(const CARD [], const char *);
+void cremove(CARD, CARD [], int);
+int cut(BOOLEAN, int);
+int deal(int);
+void discard(BOOLEAN);
+void do_wait(void);
+void endmsg(void);
+int eq(CARD, CARD);
+int fifteens(const CARD [], int);
+void game(void);
+void gamescore(void);
+char *cr_getline(void);
+int getuchar(void);
+int incard(CARD *);
+int infrom(const CARD [], int, const char *);
+void instructions(void);
+int is_one(CARD, const CARD [], int);
+void makeboard(void);
+void makedeck(CARD []);
+void makeknown(const CARD [], int);
+void msg(const char *, ...)
+ __attribute__((__format__(__printf__, 1, 2)));
+int msgcard(CARD, BOOLEAN);
+int msgcrd(CARD, BOOLEAN, const char *, BOOLEAN);
+int number(int, int, const char *);
+int numofval(const CARD [], int, int);
+int pairuns(const CARD [], int);
+int peg(BOOLEAN);
+int pegscore(CARD, const CARD [], int, int);
+int playhand(BOOLEAN);
+int plyrhand(const CARD [], const char *);
+void prcard(WINDOW *, int, int, CARD, BOOLEAN);
+void prcrib(BOOLEAN, BOOLEAN);
+void prhand(const CARD [], int, WINDOW *, BOOLEAN);
+void printcard(WINDOW *, int, CARD, BOOLEAN);
+void prpeg(int, int, BOOLEAN);
+void prtable(int);
+int readchar(void);
+void receive_intr(int) __attribute__((__noreturn__));
+int score(BOOLEAN);
+int scorehand(const CARD [], CARD, int, BOOLEAN, BOOLEAN);
+void shuffle(CARD []);
+void sorthand(CARD [], int);
+void wait_for(int);
Index: bsd-games/create-2.17-patch/bsd-games-2.17-new/cribbage/extern.c
===================================================================
--- bsd-games/create-2.17-patch/bsd-games-2.17-new/cribbage/extern.c (nonexistent)
+++ bsd-games/create-2.17-patch/bsd-games-2.17-new/cribbage/extern.c (revision 5)
@@ -0,0 +1,71 @@
+/* $NetBSD: extern.c,v 1.7 2003/08/07 09:37:10 agc Exp $ */
+
+/*-
+ * Copyright (c) 1980, 1993
+ * The Regents of the University of California. All rights reserved.
+ *
+ * Redistribution and use in source and binary forms, with or without
+ * modification, are permitted provided that the following conditions
+ * are met:
+ * 1. Redistributions of source code must retain the above copyright
+ * notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer.
+ * 2. Redistributions in binary form must reproduce the above copyright
+ * notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer in the
+ * documentation and/or other materials provided with the distribution.
+ * 3. Neither the name of the University nor the names of its contributors
+ * may be used to endorse or promote products derived from this software
+ * without specific prior written permission.
+ *
+ * THIS SOFTWARE IS PROVIDED BY THE REGENTS AND CONTRIBUTORS ``AS IS'' AND
+ * ANY EXPRESS OR IMPLIED WARRANTIES, INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, THE
+ * IMPLIED WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTABILITY AND FITNESS FOR A PARTICULAR PURPOSE
+ * ARE DISCLAIMED. IN NO EVENT SHALL THE REGENTS OR CONTRIBUTORS BE LIABLE
+ * FOR ANY DIRECT, INDIRECT, INCIDENTAL, SPECIAL, EXEMPLARY, OR CONSEQUENTIAL
+ * DAMAGES (INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, PROCUREMENT OF SUBSTITUTE GOODS
+ * OR SERVICES; LOSS OF USE, DATA, OR PROFITS; OR BUSINESS INTERRUPTION)
+ * HOWEVER CAUSED AND ON ANY THEORY OF LIABILITY, WHETHER IN CONTRACT, STRICT
+ * LIABILITY, OR TORT (INCLUDING NEGLIGENCE OR OTHERWISE) ARISING IN ANY WAY
+ * OUT OF THE USE OF THIS SOFTWARE, EVEN IF ADVISED OF THE POSSIBILITY OF
+ * SUCH DAMAGE.
+ */
+
+#include <sys/cdefs.h>
+#ifndef lint
+#if 0
+static char sccsid[] = "@(#)extern.c 8.1 (Berkeley) 5/31/93";
+#else
+__RCSID("$NetBSD: extern.c,v 1.7 2003/08/07 09:37:10 agc Exp $");
+#endif
+#endif /* not lint */
+
+#include <curses.h>
+
+#include "deck.h"
+#include "cribbage.h"
+
+BOOLEAN explain = FALSE; /* player mistakes explained */
+BOOLEAN iwon = FALSE; /* if comp won last game */
+BOOLEAN quiet = FALSE; /* if suppress random mess */
+BOOLEAN rflag = FALSE; /* if all cuts random */
+
+char cr_explan[128]; /* explanation */
+
+int cgames = 0; /* number games comp won */
+int cscore = 0; /* comp score in this game */
+int gamecount = 0; /* number games played */
+int glimit = LGAME; /* game playe to glimit */
+int knownum = 0; /* number of cards we know */
+int pgames = 0; /* number games player won */
+int pscore = 0; /* player score in this game */
+
+CARD chand[FULLHAND]; /* computer's hand */
+CARD crib[CINHAND]; /* the crib */
+CARD deck[CARDS]; /* a deck */
+CARD known[CARDS]; /* cards we have seen */
+CARD phand[FULLHAND]; /* player's hand */
+CARD turnover; /* the starter */
+
+WINDOW *Compwin; /* computer's hand window */
+WINDOW *Msgwin; /* messages for the player */
+WINDOW *Playwin; /* player's hand window */
+WINDOW *Tablewin; /* table window */
Index: bsd-games/create-2.17-patch/bsd-games-2.17-new/cribbage/io.c
===================================================================
--- bsd-games/create-2.17-patch/bsd-games-2.17-new/cribbage/io.c (nonexistent)
+++ bsd-games/create-2.17-patch/bsd-games-2.17-new/cribbage/io.c (revision 5)
@@ -0,0 +1,604 @@
+/* $NetBSD: io.c,v 1.18 2004/11/05 21:30:31 dsl Exp $ */
+
+/*-
+ * Copyright (c) 1980, 1993
+ * The Regents of the University of California. All rights reserved.
+ *
+ * Redistribution and use in source and binary forms, with or without
+ * modification, are permitted provided that the following conditions
+ * are met:
+ * 1. Redistributions of source code must retain the above copyright
+ * notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer.
+ * 2. Redistributions in binary form must reproduce the above copyright
+ * notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer in the
+ * documentation and/or other materials provided with the distribution.
+ * 3. Neither the name of the University nor the names of its contributors
+ * may be used to endorse or promote products derived from this software
+ * without specific prior written permission.
+ *
+ * THIS SOFTWARE IS PROVIDED BY THE REGENTS AND CONTRIBUTORS ``AS IS'' AND
+ * ANY EXPRESS OR IMPLIED WARRANTIES, INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, THE
+ * IMPLIED WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTABILITY AND FITNESS FOR A PARTICULAR PURPOSE
+ * ARE DISCLAIMED. IN NO EVENT SHALL THE REGENTS OR CONTRIBUTORS BE LIABLE
+ * FOR ANY DIRECT, INDIRECT, INCIDENTAL, SPECIAL, EXEMPLARY, OR CONSEQUENTIAL
+ * DAMAGES (INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, PROCUREMENT OF SUBSTITUTE GOODS
+ * OR SERVICES; LOSS OF USE, DATA, OR PROFITS; OR BUSINESS INTERRUPTION)
+ * HOWEVER CAUSED AND ON ANY THEORY OF LIABILITY, WHETHER IN CONTRACT, STRICT
+ * LIABILITY, OR TORT (INCLUDING NEGLIGENCE OR OTHERWISE) ARISING IN ANY WAY
+ * OUT OF THE USE OF THIS SOFTWARE, EVEN IF ADVISED OF THE POSSIBILITY OF
+ * SUCH DAMAGE.
+ */
+
+#include <sys/cdefs.h>
+#ifndef lint
+#if 0
+static char sccsid[] = "@(#)io.c 8.1 (Berkeley) 5/31/93";
+#else
+__RCSID("$NetBSD: io.c,v 1.18 2004/11/05 21:30:31 dsl Exp $");
+#endif
+#endif /* not lint */
+
+#include <ctype.h>
+#include <curses.h>
+#include <signal.h>
+#include <stdarg.h>
+#include <stdlib.h>
+#include <string.h>
+#include <termios.h>
+#include <unistd.h>
+
+#include "deck.h"
+#include "cribbage.h"
+#include "cribcur.h"
+
+#define LINESIZE 128
+
+#ifdef CTRL
+#undef CTRL
+#endif
+#define CTRL(X) (X - 'A' + 1)
+
+char linebuf[LINESIZE];
+
+const char *const rankname[RANKS] = {
+ "ACE", "TWO", "THREE", "FOUR", "FIVE", "SIX", "SEVEN",
+ "EIGHT", "NINE", "TEN", "JACK", "QUEEN", "KING"
+};
+
+const char *const rankchar[RANKS] = {
+ "A", "2", "3", "4", "5", "6", "7", "8", "9", "T", "J", "Q", "K"
+};
+
+const char *const suitname[SUITS] = {"SPADES", "HEARTS", "DIAMONDS", "CLUBS"};
+
+const char *const suitchar[SUITS] = {"S", "H", "D", "C"};
+
+/*
+ * msgcard:
+ * Call msgcrd in one of two forms
+ */
+int
+msgcard(c, brief)
+ CARD c;
+ BOOLEAN brief;
+{
+ if (brief)
+ return (msgcrd(c, TRUE, NULL, TRUE));
+ else
+ return (msgcrd(c, FALSE, " of ", FALSE));
+}
+
+/*
+ * msgcrd:
+ * Print the value of a card in ascii
+ */
+int
+msgcrd(c, brfrank, mid, brfsuit)
+ CARD c;
+ BOOLEAN brfrank, brfsuit;
+ const char *mid;
+{
+ if (c.rank == EMPTY || c.suit == EMPTY)
+ return (FALSE);
+ if (brfrank)
+ addmsg("%1.1s", rankchar[c.rank]);
+ else
+ addmsg(rankname[c.rank]);
+ if (mid != NULL)
+ addmsg(mid);
+ if (brfsuit)
+ addmsg("%1.1s", suitchar[c.suit]);
+ else
+ addmsg(suitname[c.suit]);
+ return (TRUE);
+}
+
+/*
+ * printcard:
+ * Print out a card.
+ */
+void
+printcard(win, cardno, c, blank)
+ WINDOW *win;
+ int cardno;
+ CARD c;
+ BOOLEAN blank;
+{
+ prcard(win, cardno * 2, cardno, c, blank);
+}
+
+/*
+ * prcard:
+ * Print out a card on the window at the specified location
+ */
+void
+prcard(win, y, x, c, blank)
+ WINDOW *win;
+ int y, x;
+ CARD c;
+ BOOLEAN blank;
+{
+ if (c.rank == EMPTY)
+ return;
+
+ mvwaddstr(win, y + 0, x, "+-----+");
+ mvwaddstr(win, y + 1, x, "| |");
+ mvwaddstr(win, y + 2, x, "| |");
+ mvwaddstr(win, y + 3, x, "| |");
+ mvwaddstr(win, y + 4, x, "+-----+");
+ if (!blank) {
+ mvwaddch(win, y + 1, x + 1, rankchar[c.rank][0]);
+ waddch(win, suitchar[c.suit][0]);
+ mvwaddch(win, y + 3, x + 4, rankchar[c.rank][0]);
+ waddch(win, suitchar[c.suit][0]);
+ }
+}
+
+/*
+ * prhand:
+ * Print a hand of n cards
+ */
+void
+prhand(h, n, win, blank)
+ const CARD h[];
+ int n;
+ WINDOW *win;
+ BOOLEAN blank;
+{
+ int i;
+
+ werase(win);
+ for (i = 0; i < n; i++)
+ printcard(win, i, *h++, blank);
+ wrefresh(win);
+}
+
+/*
+ * infrom:
+ * reads a card, supposedly in hand, accepting unambigous brief
+ * input, returns the index of the card found...
+ */
+int
+infrom(hand, n, prompt)
+ const CARD hand[];
+ int n;
+ const char *prompt;
+{
+ int i, j;
+ CARD crd;
+
+ if (n < 1) {
+ printf("\nINFROM: %d = n < 1!!\n", n);
+ exit(74);
+ }
+ for (;;) {
+ msg(prompt);
+ if (incard(&crd)) { /* if card is full card */
+ if (!is_one(crd, hand, n))
+ msg("That's not in your hand");
+ else {
+ for (i = 0; i < n; i++)
+ if (hand[i].rank == crd.rank &&
+ hand[i].suit == crd.suit)
+ break;
+ if (i >= n) {
+ printf("\nINFROM: is_one or something messed up\n");
+ exit(77);
+ }
+ return (i);
+ }
+ } else /* if not full card... */
+ if (crd.rank != EMPTY) {
+ for (i = 0; i < n; i++)
+ if (hand[i].rank == crd.rank)
+ break;
+ if (i >= n)
+ msg("No such rank in your hand");
+ else {
+ for (j = i + 1; j < n; j++)
+ if (hand[j].rank == crd.rank)
+ break;
+ if (j < n)
+ msg("Ambiguous rank");
+ else
+ return (i);
+ }
+ } else
+ msg("Sorry, I missed that");
+ }
+ /* NOTREACHED */
+}
+
+/*
+ * incard:
+ * Inputs a card in any format. It reads a line ending with a CR
+ * and then parses it.
+ */
+int
+incard(crd)
+ CARD *crd;
+{
+ int i;
+ int rnk, sut;
+ char *line, *p, *p1;
+ BOOLEAN retval;
+
+ retval = FALSE;
+ rnk = sut = EMPTY;
+ if (!(line = cr_getline()))
+ goto gotit;
+ p = p1 = line;
+ while (*p1 != ' ' && *p1 != '\0')
+ ++p1;
+ *p1++ = '\0';
+ if (*p == '\0')
+ goto gotit;
+
+ /* IMPORTANT: no real card has 2 char first name */
+ if (strlen(p) == 2) { /* check for short form */
+ rnk = EMPTY;
+ for (i = 0; i < RANKS; i++) {
+ if (*p == *rankchar[i]) {
+ rnk = i;
+ break;
+ }
+ }
+ if (rnk == EMPTY)
+ goto gotit; /* it's nothing... */
+ ++p; /* advance to next char */
+ sut = EMPTY;
+ for (i = 0; i < SUITS; i++) {
+ if (*p == *suitchar[i]) {
+ sut = i;
+ break;
+ }
+ }
+ if (sut != EMPTY)
+ retval = TRUE;
+ goto gotit;
+ }
+ rnk = EMPTY;
+ for (i = 0; i < RANKS; i++) {
+ if (!strcmp(p, rankname[i]) || !strcmp(p, rankchar[i])) {
+ rnk = i;
+ break;
+ }
+ }
+ if (rnk == EMPTY)
+ goto gotit;
+ p = p1;
+ while (*p1 != ' ' && *p1 != '\0')
+ ++p1;
+ *p1++ = '\0';
+ if (*p == '\0')
+ goto gotit;
+ if (!strcmp("OF", p)) {
+ p = p1;
+ while (*p1 != ' ' && *p1 != '\0')
+ ++p1;
+ *p1++ = '\0';
+ if (*p == '\0')
+ goto gotit;
+ }
+ sut = EMPTY;
+ for (i = 0; i < SUITS; i++) {
+ if (!strcmp(p, suitname[i]) || !strcmp(p, suitchar[i])) {
+ sut = i;
+ break;
+ }
+ }
+ if (sut != EMPTY)
+ retval = TRUE;
+gotit:
+ (*crd).rank = rnk;
+ (*crd).suit = sut;
+ return (retval);
+}
+
+/*
+ * getuchar:
+ * Reads and converts to upper case
+ */
+int
+getuchar()
+{
+ int c;
+
+ c = readchar();
+ if (islower(c))
+ c = toupper(c);
+ waddch(Msgwin, c);
+ return (c);
+}
+
+/*
+ * number:
+ * Reads in a decimal number and makes sure it is between "lo" and
+ * "hi" inclusive.
+ */
+int
+number(lo, hi, prompt)
+ int lo, hi;
+ const char *prompt;
+{
+ char *p;
+ int sum;
+
+ for (sum = 0;;) {
+ msg(prompt);
+ if (!(p = cr_getline()) || *p == '\0') {
+ msg(quiet ? "Not a number" :
+ "That doesn't look like a number");
+ continue;
+ }
+ sum = 0;
+
+ if (!isdigit((unsigned char)*p))
+ sum = lo - 1;
+ else
+ while (isdigit((unsigned char)*p)) {
+ sum = 10 * sum + (*p - '0');
+ ++p;
+ }
+
+ if (*p != ' ' && *p != '\t' && *p != '\0')
+ sum = lo - 1;
+ if (sum >= lo && sum <= hi)
+ break;
+ if (sum == lo - 1)
+ msg("that doesn't look like a number, try again --> ");
+ else
+ msg("%d is not between %d and %d inclusive, try again --> ",
+ sum, lo, hi);
+ }
+ return (sum);
+}
+
+/*
+ * msg:
+ * Display a message at the top of the screen.
+ */
+char Msgbuf[BUFSIZ] = {'\0'};
+int Mpos = 0;
+static int Newpos = 0;
+
+void
+msg(const char *fmt, ...)
+{
+ va_list ap;
+
+ va_start(ap, fmt);
+ (void)vsprintf(&Msgbuf[Newpos], fmt, ap);
+ Newpos = strlen(Msgbuf);
+ va_end(ap);
+ endmsg();
+}
+
+/*
+ * addmsg:
+ * Add things to the current message
+ */
+void
+addmsg(const char *fmt, ...)
+{
+ va_list ap;
+
+ va_start(ap, fmt);
+ (void)vsprintf(&Msgbuf[Newpos], fmt, ap);
+ Newpos = strlen(Msgbuf);
+ va_end(ap);
+}
+
+/*
+ * endmsg:
+ * Display a new msg.
+ */
+int Lineno = 0;
+
+void
+endmsg()
+{
+ static int lastline = 0;
+ int len;
+ char *mp, *omp;
+
+ /* All messages should start with uppercase */
+ mvaddch(lastline + Y_MSG_START, SCORE_X, ' ');
+ if (islower((unsigned char)Msgbuf[0]) && Msgbuf[1] != ')')
+ Msgbuf[0] = toupper((unsigned char)Msgbuf[0]);
+ mp = Msgbuf;
+ len = strlen(mp);
+ if (len / MSG_X + Lineno >= MSG_Y) {
+ while (Lineno < MSG_Y) {
+ wmove(Msgwin, Lineno++, 0);
+ wclrtoeol(Msgwin);
+ }
+ Lineno = 0;
+ }
+ mvaddch(Lineno + Y_MSG_START, SCORE_X, '*');
+ lastline = Lineno;
+ do {
+ mvwaddstr(Msgwin, Lineno, 0, mp);
+ if ((len = strlen(mp)) > MSG_X) {
+ omp = mp;
+ for (mp = &mp[MSG_X - 1]; *mp != ' '; mp--)
+ continue;
+ while (*mp == ' ')
+ mp--;
+ mp++;
+ wmove(Msgwin, Lineno, mp - omp);
+ wclrtoeol(Msgwin);
+ }
+ if (++Lineno >= MSG_Y)
+ Lineno = 0;
+ } while (len > MSG_X);
+ wclrtoeol(Msgwin);
+ Mpos = len;
+ Newpos = 0;
+ wrefresh(Msgwin);
+ refresh();
+ wrefresh(Msgwin);
+}
+
+/*
+ * do_wait:
+ * Wait for the user to type ' ' before doing anything else
+ */
+void
+do_wait()
+{
+ static const char prompt[] = {'-', '-', 'M', 'o', 'r', 'e', '-', '-', '\0'};
+
+ if ((int)(Mpos + sizeof prompt) < MSG_X)
+ wmove(Msgwin, Lineno > 0 ? Lineno - 1 : MSG_Y - 1, Mpos);
+ else {
+ mvwaddch(Msgwin, Lineno, 0, ' ');
+ wclrtoeol(Msgwin);
+ if (++Lineno >= MSG_Y)
+ Lineno = 0;
+ }
+ waddstr(Msgwin, prompt);
+ wrefresh(Msgwin);
+ wait_for(' ');
+}
+
+/*
+ * wait_for
+ * Sit around until the guy types the right key
+ */
+void
+wait_for(ch)
+ int ch;
+{
+ char c;
+
+ if (ch == '\n')
+ while ((c = readchar()) != '\n')
+ continue;
+ else
+ while (readchar() != ch)
+ continue;
+}
+
+/*
+ * readchar:
+ * Reads and returns a character, checking for gross input errors
+ */
+int
+readchar()
+{
+ int cnt;
+ char c;
+
+over:
+ cnt = 0;
+ while (read(STDIN_FILENO, &c, sizeof(char)) <= 0)
+ if (cnt++ > 100) { /* if we are getting infinite EOFs */
+ bye(); /* quit the game */
+ exit(1);
+ }
+ if (c == CTRL('L')) {
+ wrefresh(curscr);
+ goto over;
+ }
+ if (c == '\r')
+ return ('\n');
+ else
+ return (c);
+}
+
+/*
+ * getline:
+ * Reads the next line up to '\n' or EOF. Multiple spaces are
+ * compressed to one space; a space is inserted before a ','
+ */
+char *
+cr_getline()
+{
+ char *sp;
+ int c, oy, ox;
+ WINDOW *oscr;
+
+ oscr = stdscr;
+ stdscr = Msgwin;
+ getyx(stdscr, oy, ox);
+ refresh();
+ /* loop reading in the string, and put it in a temporary buffer */
+ for (sp = linebuf; (c = readchar()) != '\n'; clrtoeol(), refresh()) {
+ if (c == -1)
+ continue;
+ else
+ if (c == erasechar()) { /* process erase character */
+ if (sp > linebuf) {
+ int i;
+
+ sp--;
+ for (i = strlen(unctrl(*sp)); i; i--)
+ addch('\b');
+ }
+ continue;
+ } else
+ if (c == killchar()) { /* process kill
+ * character */
+ sp = linebuf;
+ move(oy, ox);
+ continue;
+ } else
+ if (sp == linebuf && c == ' ')
+ continue;
+ if (sp >= &linebuf[LINESIZE - 1] || !(isprint(c) || c == ' '))
+ putchar(CTRL('G'));
+ else {
+ if (islower(c))
+ c = toupper(c);
+ *sp++ = c;
+ addstr(unctrl(c));
+ Mpos++;
+ }
+ }
+ *sp = '\0';
+ stdscr = oscr;
+ return (linebuf);
+}
+
+void
+receive_intr(signo)
+ int signo __attribute__((__unused__));
+{
+ bye();
+ exit(1);
+}
+
+/*
+ * bye:
+ * Leave the program, cleaning things up as we go.
+ */
+void
+bye()
+{
+ signal(SIGINT, SIG_IGN);
+ mvcur(0, COLS - 1, LINES - 1, 0);
+ fflush(stdout);
+ endwin();
+ putchar('\n');
+}
Index: bsd-games/create-2.17-patch/bsd-games-2.17-new/cribbage/score.c
===================================================================
--- bsd-games/create-2.17-patch/bsd-games-2.17-new/cribbage/score.c (nonexistent)
+++ bsd-games/create-2.17-patch/bsd-games-2.17-new/cribbage/score.c (revision 5)
@@ -0,0 +1,374 @@
+/* $NetBSD: score.c,v 1.10 2003/08/07 09:37:10 agc Exp $ */
+
+/*-
+ * Copyright (c) 1980, 1993
+ * The Regents of the University of California. All rights reserved.
+ *
+ * Redistribution and use in source and binary forms, with or without
+ * modification, are permitted provided that the following conditions
+ * are met:
+ * 1. Redistributions of source code must retain the above copyright
+ * notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer.
+ * 2. Redistributions in binary form must reproduce the above copyright
+ * notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer in the
+ * documentation and/or other materials provided with the distribution.
+ * 3. Neither the name of the University nor the names of its contributors
+ * may be used to endorse or promote products derived from this software
+ * without specific prior written permission.
+ *
+ * THIS SOFTWARE IS PROVIDED BY THE REGENTS AND CONTRIBUTORS ``AS IS'' AND
+ * ANY EXPRESS OR IMPLIED WARRANTIES, INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, THE
+ * IMPLIED WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTABILITY AND FITNESS FOR A PARTICULAR PURPOSE
+ * ARE DISCLAIMED. IN NO EVENT SHALL THE REGENTS OR CONTRIBUTORS BE LIABLE
+ * FOR ANY DIRECT, INDIRECT, INCIDENTAL, SPECIAL, EXEMPLARY, OR CONSEQUENTIAL
+ * DAMAGES (INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, PROCUREMENT OF SUBSTITUTE GOODS
+ * OR SERVICES; LOSS OF USE, DATA, OR PROFITS; OR BUSINESS INTERRUPTION)
+ * HOWEVER CAUSED AND ON ANY THEORY OF LIABILITY, WHETHER IN CONTRACT, STRICT
+ * LIABILITY, OR TORT (INCLUDING NEGLIGENCE OR OTHERWISE) ARISING IN ANY WAY
+ * OUT OF THE USE OF THIS SOFTWARE, EVEN IF ADVISED OF THE POSSIBILITY OF
+ * SUCH DAMAGE.
+ */
+
+#include <sys/cdefs.h>
+#ifndef lint
+#if 0
+static char sccsid[] = "@(#)score.c 8.1 (Berkeley) 5/31/93";
+#else
+__RCSID("$NetBSD: score.c,v 1.10 2003/08/07 09:37:10 agc Exp $");
+#endif
+#endif /* not lint */
+
+#include <curses.h>
+#include <stdio.h>
+#include <stdlib.h>
+#include <string.h>
+
+#include "deck.h"
+#include "cribbage.h"
+
+/*
+ * the following arrays give the sum of the scores of the (50 2)*48 = 58800
+ * hands obtainable for the crib given the two cards whose ranks index the
+ * array. the two arrays are for the case where the suits are equal and
+ * not equal respectively
+ */
+const long crbescr[169] = {
+ -10000, 271827, 278883, 332319, 347769, 261129, 250653, 253203, 248259,
+ 243435, 256275, 237435, 231051, -10000, -10000, 412815, 295707, 349497,
+ 267519, 262521, 259695, 254019, 250047, 262887, 244047, 237663, -10000,
+ -10000, -10000, 333987, 388629, 262017, 266787, 262971, 252729, 254475,
+ 267315, 248475, 242091, -10000, -10000, -10000, -10000, 422097, 302787,
+ 256437, 263751, 257883, 254271, 267111, 248271, 241887, -10000, -10000,
+ -10000, -10000, -10000, 427677, 387837, 349173, 347985, 423861, 436701,
+ 417861, 411477, -10000, -10000, -10000, -10000, -10000, -10000, 336387,
+ 298851, 338667, 236487, 249327, 230487, 224103, -10000, -10000, -10000,
+ -10000, -10000, -10000, -10000, 408483, 266691, 229803, 246195, 227355,
+ 220971, -10000, -10000, -10000, -10000, -10000, -10000, -10000, -10000,
+ 300675, 263787, 241695, 226407, 220023, -10000, -10000, -10000, -10000,
+ -10000, -10000, -10000, -10000, -10000, 295635, 273543, 219771, 216939,
+ -10000, -10000, -10000, -10000, -10000, -10000, -10000, -10000, -10000,
+ -10000, 306519, 252747, 211431, -10000, -10000, -10000, -10000, -10000,
+ -10000, -10000, -10000, -10000, -10000, -10000, 304287, 262971, -10000,
+ -10000, -10000, -10000, -10000, -10000, -10000, -10000, -10000, -10000,
+ -10000, -10000, 244131, -10000, -10000, -10000, -10000, -10000, -10000,
+ -10000, -10000, -10000, -10000, -10000, -10000, -10000
+};
+
+const long crbnescr[169] = {
+ 325272, 260772, 267828, 321264, 336714, 250074, 239598, 242148, 237204,
+ 232380, 246348, 226380, 219996, -10000, 342528, 401760, 284652, 338442,
+ 256464, 251466, 248640, 242964, 238992, 252960, 232992, 226608, -10000,
+ -10000, 362280, 322932, 377574, 250962, 255732, 251916, 241674, 243420,
+ 257388, 237420, 231036, -10000, -10000, -10000, 360768, 411042, 291732,
+ 245382, 252696, 246828, 243216, 257184, 237216, 230832, -10000, -10000,
+ -10000, -10000, 528768, 416622, 376782, 338118, 336930, 412806, 426774,
+ 406806, 400422, -10000, -10000, -10000, -10000, -10000, 369864, 325332,
+ 287796, 327612, 225432, 239400, 219432, 213048, -10000, -10000, -10000,
+ -10000, -10000, -10000, 359160, 397428, 255636, 218748, 236268, 216300,
+ 209916, -10000, -10000, -10000, -10000, -10000, -10000, -10000, 331320,
+ 289620, 252732, 231768, 215352, 208968, -10000, -10000, -10000, -10000,
+ -10000, -10000, -10000, -10000, 325152, 284580, 263616, 208716, 205884,
+ -10000, -10000, -10000, -10000, -10000, -10000, -10000, -10000, -10000,
+ 321240, 296592, 241692, 200376, -10000, -10000, -10000, -10000, -10000,
+ -10000, -10000, -10000, -10000, -10000, 348600, 294360, 253044, -10000,
+ -10000, -10000, -10000, -10000, -10000, -10000, -10000, -10000, -10000,
+ -10000, 308664, 233076, -10000, -10000, -10000, -10000, -10000, -10000,
+ -10000, -10000, -10000, -10000, -10000, -10000, 295896
+};
+
+static const int ichoose2[5] = { 0, 0, 2, 6, 12 };
+static int pairpoints, runpoints; /* Globals from pairuns. */
+
+/*
+ * scorehand:
+ * Score the given hand of n cards and the starter card.
+ * n must be <= 4
+ */
+int
+scorehand(hand, starter, n, crb, do_explain)
+ const CARD hand[];
+ CARD starter;
+ int n;
+ BOOLEAN crb; /* true if scoring crib */
+ BOOLEAN do_explain; /* true if must explain this hand */
+{
+ int i, k;
+ int score;
+ BOOLEAN flag;
+ CARD h[(CINHAND + 1)];
+ char buf[32];
+
+ cr_explan[0] = '\0'; /* initialize explanation */
+ score = 0;
+ flag = TRUE;
+ k = hand[0].suit;
+ for (i = 0; i < n; i++) { /* check for flush */
+ flag = (flag && (hand[i].suit == k));
+ if (hand[i].rank == JACK) /* check for his nibs */
+ if (hand[i].suit == starter.suit) {
+ score++;
+ if (do_explain)
+ strcat(cr_explan, "His Nobs");
+ }
+ h[i] = hand[i];
+ }
+
+ if (flag && n >= CINHAND) {
+ if (do_explain && cr_explan[0] != '\0')
+ strcat(cr_explan, ", ");
+ if (starter.suit == k) {
+ score += 5;
+ if (do_explain)
+ strcat(cr_explan, "Five-flush");
+ } else
+ if (!crb) {
+ score += 4;
+ if (do_explain && cr_explan[0] != '\0')
+ strcat(cr_explan, ", Four-flush");
+ else
+ strcpy(cr_explan, "Four-flush");
+ }
+ }
+ if (do_explain && cr_explan[0] != '\0')
+ strcat(cr_explan, ", ");
+ h[n] = starter;
+ sorthand(h, n + 1); /* sort by rank */
+ i = 2 * fifteens(h, n + 1);
+ score += i;
+ if (do_explain) {
+ if (i > 0) {
+ (void) sprintf(buf, "%d points in fifteens", i);
+ strcat(cr_explan, buf);
+ } else
+ strcat(cr_explan, "No fifteens");
+ }
+ i = pairuns(h, n + 1);
+ score += i;
+ if (do_explain) {
+ if (i > 0) {
+ (void) sprintf(buf, ", %d points in pairs, %d in runs",
+ pairpoints, runpoints);
+ strcat(cr_explan, buf);
+ } else
+ strcat(cr_explan, ", No pairs/runs");
+ }
+ return (score);
+}
+
+/*
+ * fifteens:
+ * Return number of fifteens in hand of n cards
+ */
+int
+fifteens(hand, n)
+ const CARD hand[];
+ int n;
+{
+ int *sp, *np;
+ int i;
+ const CARD *endp;
+ static int sums[15], nsums[15];
+
+ np = nsums;
+ sp = sums;
+ i = 16;
+ while (--i) {
+ *np++ = 0;
+ *sp++ = 0;
+ }
+ for (endp = &hand[n]; hand < endp; hand++) {
+ i = hand->rank + 1;
+ if (i > 10)
+ i = 10;
+ np = &nsums[i];
+ np[-1]++; /* one way to make this */
+ sp = sums;
+ while (i < 15) {
+ *np++ += *sp++;
+ i++;
+ }
+ sp = sums;
+ np = nsums;
+ i = 16;
+ while (--i)
+ *sp++ = *np++;
+ }
+ return sums[14];
+}
+
+/*
+ * pairuns returns the number of points in the n card sorted hand
+ * due to pairs and runs
+ * this routine only works if n is strictly less than 6
+ * sets the globals pairpoints and runpoints appropriately
+ */
+int
+pairuns(h, n)
+ const CARD h[];
+ int n;
+{
+ int i;
+ int runlength, runmult, lastmult, curmult;
+ int mult1, mult2, pair1, pair2;
+ BOOLEAN run;
+
+ run = TRUE;
+ runlength = 1;
+ mult1 = 1;
+ pair1 = -1;
+ mult2 = 1;
+ pair2 = -1;
+ curmult = runmult = 1;
+ for (i = 1; i < n; i++) {
+ lastmult = curmult;
+ if (h[i].rank == h[i - 1].rank) {
+ if (pair1 < 0) {
+ pair1 = h[i].rank;
+ mult1 = curmult = 2;
+ } else {
+ if (h[i].rank == pair1) {
+ curmult = ++mult1;
+ } else {
+ if (pair2 < 0) {
+ pair2 = h[i].rank;
+ mult2 = curmult = 2;
+ } else {
+ curmult = ++mult2;
+ }
+ }
+ }
+ if (i == (n - 1) && run) {
+ runmult *= curmult;
+ }
+ } else {
+ curmult = 1;
+ if (h[i].rank == h[i - 1].rank + 1) {
+ if (run) {
+ ++runlength;
+ } else {
+ /* only if old short */
+ if (runlength < 3) {
+ run = TRUE;
+ runlength = 2;
+ runmult = 1;
+ }
+ }
+ runmult *= lastmult;
+ } else {
+ /* if just ended */
+ if (run)
+ runmult *= lastmult;
+ run = FALSE;
+ }
+ }
+ }
+ pairpoints = ichoose2[mult1] + ichoose2[mult2];
+ runpoints = (runlength >= 3 ? runlength * runmult : 0);
+ return (pairpoints + runpoints);
+}
+
+/*
+ * pegscore tells how many points crd would get if played after
+ * the n cards in tbl during pegging
+ */
+int
+pegscore(crd, tbl, n, sum)
+ CARD crd;
+ const CARD tbl[];
+ int n, sum;
+{
+ BOOLEAN got[RANKS];
+ int i, j, scr;
+ int k, lo, hi;
+
+ sum += VAL(crd.rank);
+ if (sum > 31)
+ return (-1);
+ if (sum == 31 || sum == 15)
+ scr = 2;
+ else
+ scr = 0;
+ if (!n)
+ return (scr);
+ j = 1;
+ while ((crd.rank == tbl[n - j].rank) && (n - j >= 0))
+ ++j;
+ if (j > 1)
+ return (scr + ichoose2[j]);
+ if (n < 2)
+ return (scr);
+ lo = hi = crd.rank;
+ for (i = 0; i < RANKS; i++)
+ got[i] = FALSE;
+ got[crd.rank] = TRUE;
+ k = -1;
+ for (i = n - 1; i >= 0; --i) {
+ if (got[tbl[i].rank])
+ break;
+ got[tbl[i].rank] = TRUE;
+ if (tbl[i].rank < lo)
+ lo = tbl[i].rank;
+ if (tbl[i].rank > hi)
+ hi = tbl[i].rank;
+ for (j = lo; j <= hi; j++)
+ if (!got[j])
+ break;
+ if (j > hi)
+ k = hi - lo + 1;
+ }
+ if (k >= 3)
+ return (scr + k);
+ else
+ return (scr);
+}
+
+/*
+ * adjust takes a two card hand that will be put in the crib
+ * and returns an adjusted normalized score for the number of
+ * points such a crib will get.
+ */
+int
+adjust(cb, tnv)
+ const CARD cb[];
+ CARD tnv __attribute__((__unused__));
+{
+ long scr;
+ int i, c0, c1;
+
+ c0 = cb[0].rank;
+ c1 = cb[1].rank;
+ if (c0 > c1) {
+ i = c0;
+ c0 = c1;
+ c1 = i;
+ }
+ if (cb[0].suit != cb[1].suit)
+ scr = crbnescr[RANKS * c0 + c1];
+ else
+ scr = crbescr[RANKS * c0 + c1];
+ if (scr <= 0) {
+ printf("\nADJUST: internal error %d %d\n", c0, c1);
+ exit(93);
+ }
+ return ((scr + 29400) / 58800);
+}
Index: bsd-games/create-2.17-patch/bsd-games-2.17-new/cribbage/support.c
===================================================================
--- bsd-games/create-2.17-patch/bsd-games-2.17-new/cribbage/support.c (nonexistent)
+++ bsd-games/create-2.17-patch/bsd-games-2.17-new/cribbage/support.c (revision 5)
@@ -0,0 +1,361 @@
+/* $NetBSD: support.c,v 1.7 2003/08/07 09:37:11 agc Exp $ */
+
+/*-
+ * Copyright (c) 1980, 1993
+ * The Regents of the University of California. All rights reserved.
+ *
+ * Redistribution and use in source and binary forms, with or without
+ * modification, are permitted provided that the following conditions
+ * are met:
+ * 1. Redistributions of source code must retain the above copyright
+ * notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer.
+ * 2. Redistributions in binary form must reproduce the above copyright
+ * notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer in the
+ * documentation and/or other materials provided with the distribution.
+ * 3. Neither the name of the University nor the names of its contributors
+ * may be used to endorse or promote products derived from this software
+ * without specific prior written permission.
+ *
+ * THIS SOFTWARE IS PROVIDED BY THE REGENTS AND CONTRIBUTORS ``AS IS'' AND
+ * ANY EXPRESS OR IMPLIED WARRANTIES, INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, THE
+ * IMPLIED WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTABILITY AND FITNESS FOR A PARTICULAR PURPOSE
+ * ARE DISCLAIMED. IN NO EVENT SHALL THE REGENTS OR CONTRIBUTORS BE LIABLE
+ * FOR ANY DIRECT, INDIRECT, INCIDENTAL, SPECIAL, EXEMPLARY, OR CONSEQUENTIAL
+ * DAMAGES (INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, PROCUREMENT OF SUBSTITUTE GOODS
+ * OR SERVICES; LOSS OF USE, DATA, OR PROFITS; OR BUSINESS INTERRUPTION)
+ * HOWEVER CAUSED AND ON ANY THEORY OF LIABILITY, WHETHER IN CONTRACT, STRICT
+ * LIABILITY, OR TORT (INCLUDING NEGLIGENCE OR OTHERWISE) ARISING IN ANY WAY
+ * OUT OF THE USE OF THIS SOFTWARE, EVEN IF ADVISED OF THE POSSIBILITY OF
+ * SUCH DAMAGE.
+ */
+
+#include <sys/cdefs.h>
+#ifndef lint
+#if 0
+static char sccsid[] = "@(#)support.c 8.1 (Berkeley) 5/31/93";
+#else
+__RCSID("$NetBSD: support.c,v 1.7 2003/08/07 09:37:11 agc Exp $");
+#endif
+#endif /* not lint */
+
+#include <curses.h>
+#include <string.h>
+
+#include "deck.h"
+#include "cribbage.h"
+#include "cribcur.h"
+
+#define NTV 10 /* number scores to test */
+
+/* score to test reachability of, and order to test them in */
+const int tv[NTV] = {8, 7, 9, 6, 11, 12, 13, 14, 10, 5};
+
+/*
+ * computer chooses what to play in pegging...
+ * only called if no playable card will score points
+ */
+int
+cchose(h, n, s)
+ const CARD h[];
+ int n, s;
+{
+ int i, j, l;
+
+ if (n <= 1)
+ return (0);
+ if (s < 4) { /* try for good value */
+ if ((j = anysumto(h, n, s, 4)) >= 0)
+ return (j);
+ if ((j = anysumto(h, n, s, 3)) >= 0 && s == 0)
+ return (j);
+ }
+ if (s > 0 && s < 20) {
+ /* try for retaliation to 31 */
+ for (i = 1; i <= 10; i++) {
+ if ((j = anysumto(h, n, s, 21 - i)) >= 0) {
+ if ((l = numofval(h, n, i)) > 0) {
+ if (l > 1 || VAL(h[j].rank) != i)
+ return (j);
+ }
+ }
+ }
+ }
+ if (s < 15) {
+ /* for retaliation after 15 */
+ for (i = 0; i < NTV; i++) {
+ if ((j = anysumto(h, n, s, tv[i])) >= 0) {
+ if ((l = numofval(h, n, 15 - tv[i])) > 0) {
+ if (l > 1 ||
+ VAL(h[j].rank) != 15 - tv[i])
+ return (j);
+ }
+ }
+ }
+ }
+ j = -1;
+ /* remember: h is sorted */
+ for (i = n - 1; i >= 0; --i) {
+ l = s + VAL(h[i].rank);
+ if (l > 31)
+ continue;
+ if (l != 5 && l != 10 && l != 21) {
+ j = i;
+ break;
+ }
+ }
+ if (j >= 0)
+ return (j);
+ for (i = n - 1; i >= 0; --i) {
+ l = s + VAL(h[i].rank);
+ if (l > 31)
+ continue;
+ if (j < 0)
+ j = i;
+ if (l != 5 && l != 21) {
+ j = i;
+ break;
+ }
+ }
+ return (j);
+}
+
+/*
+ * plyrhand:
+ * Evaluate and score a player hand or crib
+ */
+int
+plyrhand(hand, s)
+ const CARD hand[];
+ const char *s;
+{
+ static char prompt[BUFSIZ];
+ int i, j;
+ BOOLEAN win;
+
+ prhand(hand, CINHAND, Playwin, FALSE);
+ (void) sprintf(prompt, "Your %s scores ", s);
+ i = scorehand(hand, turnover, CINHAND, strcmp(s, "crib") == 0, explain);
+ if ((j = number(0, 29, prompt)) == 19)
+ j = 0;
+ if (i != j) {
+ if (i < j) {
+ win = chkscr(&pscore, i);
+ msg("It's really only %d points; I get %d", i, 2);
+ if (!win)
+ win = chkscr(&cscore, 2);
+ } else {
+ win = chkscr(&pscore, j);
+ msg("You should have taken %d, not %d!", i, j);
+ }
+ if (explain)
+ msg("Explanation: %s", cr_explan);
+ do_wait();
+ } else
+ win = chkscr(&pscore, i);
+ return (win);
+}
+
+/*
+ * comphand:
+ * Handle scoring and displaying the computers hand
+ */
+int
+comphand(h, s)
+ const CARD h[];
+ const char *s;
+{
+ int j;
+
+ j = scorehand(h, turnover, CINHAND, strcmp(s, "crib") == 0, FALSE);
+ prhand(h, CINHAND, Compwin, FALSE);
+ msg("My %s scores %d", s, (j == 0 ? 19 : j));
+ return (chkscr(&cscore, j));
+}
+
+/*
+ * chkscr:
+ * Add inc to scr and test for > glimit, printing on the scoring
+ * board while we're at it.
+ */
+int Lastscore[2] = {-1, -1};
+
+int
+chkscr(scr, inc)
+ int *scr, inc;
+{
+ BOOLEAN myturn;
+
+ myturn = (scr == &cscore);
+ if (inc != 0) {
+ prpeg(Lastscore[(int)myturn], '.', myturn);
+ Lastscore[(int)myturn] = *scr;
+ *scr += inc;
+ prpeg(*scr, PEG, myturn);
+ refresh();
+ }
+ return (*scr >= glimit);
+}
+
+/*
+ * prpeg:
+ * Put out the peg character on the score board and put the
+ * score up on the board.
+ */
+void
+prpeg(score, peg, myturn)
+ int score;
+ int peg;
+ BOOLEAN myturn;
+{
+ int y, x;
+
+ if (!myturn)
+ y = SCORE_Y + 2;
+ else
+ y = SCORE_Y + 5;
+
+ if (score <= 0 || score >= glimit) {
+ if (peg == '.')
+ peg = ' ';
+ if (score == 0)
+ x = SCORE_X + 2;
+ else {
+ x = SCORE_X + 2;
+ y++;
+ }
+ } else {
+ x = (score - 1) % 30;
+ if (score > 90 || (score > 30 && score <= 60)) {
+ y++;
+ x = 29 - x;
+ }
+ x += x / 5;
+ x += SCORE_X + 3;
+ }
+ mvaddch(y, x, peg);
+ mvprintw(SCORE_Y + (myturn ? 7 : 1), SCORE_X + 10, "%3d", score);
+}
+
+/*
+ * cdiscard -- the computer figures out what is the best discard for
+ * the crib and puts the best two cards at the end
+ */
+void
+cdiscard(mycrib)
+ BOOLEAN mycrib;
+{
+ CARD d[CARDS], h[FULLHAND], cb[2];
+ int i, j, k;
+ int nc, ns;
+ long sums[15];
+ static int undo1[15] = {0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 1, 1, 1, 1, 2, 2, 2, 3, 3, 4};
+ static int undo2[15] = {1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 2, 3, 4, 5, 3, 4, 5, 4, 5, 5};
+
+ makedeck(d);
+ nc = CARDS;
+ for (i = 0; i < knownum; i++) { /* get all other cards */
+ cremove(known[i], d, nc--);
+ }
+ for (i = 0; i < 15; i++)
+ sums[i] = 0L;
+ ns = 0;
+ for (i = 0; i < (FULLHAND - 1); i++) {
+ cb[0] = chand[i];
+ for (j = i + 1; j < FULLHAND; j++) {
+ cb[1] = chand[j];
+ for (k = 0; k < FULLHAND; k++)
+ h[k] = chand[k];
+ cremove(chand[i], h, FULLHAND);
+ cremove(chand[j], h, FULLHAND - 1);
+ for (k = 0; k < nc; k++) {
+ sums[ns] +=
+ scorehand(h, d[k], CINHAND, TRUE, FALSE);
+ if (mycrib)
+ sums[ns] += adjust(cb, d[k]);
+ else
+ sums[ns] -= adjust(cb, d[k]);
+ }
+ ++ns;
+ }
+ }
+ j = 0;
+ for (i = 1; i < 15; i++)
+ if (sums[i] > sums[j])
+ j = i;
+ for (k = 0; k < FULLHAND; k++)
+ h[k] = chand[k];
+ cremove(h[undo1[j]], chand, FULLHAND);
+ cremove(h[undo2[j]], chand, FULLHAND - 1);
+ chand[4] = h[undo1[j]];
+ chand[5] = h[undo2[j]];
+}
+
+/*
+ * returns true if some card in hand can be played without exceeding 31
+ */
+int
+anymove(hand, n, sum)
+ const CARD hand[];
+ int n, sum;
+{
+ int i, j;
+
+ if (n < 1)
+ return (FALSE);
+ j = hand[0].rank;
+ for (i = 1; i < n; i++) {
+ if (hand[i].rank < j)
+ j = hand[i].rank;
+ }
+ return (sum + VAL(j) <= 31);
+}
+
+/*
+ * anysumto returns the index (0 <= i < n) of the card in hand that brings
+ * the s up to t, or -1 if there is none
+ */
+int
+anysumto(hand, n, s, t)
+ const CARD hand[];
+ int n, s, t;
+{
+ int i;
+
+ for (i = 0; i < n; i++) {
+ if (s + VAL(hand[i].rank) == t)
+ return (i);
+ }
+ return (-1);
+}
+
+/*
+ * return the number of cards in h having the given rank value
+ */
+int
+numofval(h, n, v)
+ const CARD h[];
+ int n, v;
+{
+ int i, j;
+
+ j = 0;
+ for (i = 0; i < n; i++) {
+ if (VAL(h[i].rank) == v)
+ ++j;
+ }
+ return (j);
+}
+
+/*
+ * makeknown remembers all n cards in h for future recall
+ */
+void
+makeknown(h, n)
+ const CARD h[];
+ int n;
+{
+ int i;
+
+ for (i = 0; i < n; i++)
+ known[knownum++] = h[i];
+}
Index: bsd-games/create-2.17-patch/bsd-games-2.17-new/cribbage
===================================================================
--- bsd-games/create-2.17-patch/bsd-games-2.17-new/cribbage (nonexistent)
+++ bsd-games/create-2.17-patch/bsd-games-2.17-new/cribbage (revision 5)
Property changes on: bsd-games/create-2.17-patch/bsd-games-2.17-new/cribbage
___________________________________________________________________
Added: svn:ignore
## -0,0 +1,73 ##
+
+# install dir
+dist
+
+# Target build dirs
+.a1x-newlib
+.a2x-newlib
+.at91sam7s-newlib
+
+.build-machine
+
+.a1x-glibc
+.a2x-glibc
+.h3-glibc
+.h5-glibc
+.i586-glibc
+.i686-glibc
+.imx6-glibc
+.jz47xx-glibc
+.makefile
+.am335x-glibc
+.omap543x-glibc
+.p5600-glibc
+.power8-glibc
+.power8le-glibc
+.power9-glibc
+.power9le-glibc
+.m1000-glibc
+.riscv64-glibc
+.rk328x-glibc
+.rk33xx-glibc
+.rk339x-glibc
+.s8xx-glibc
+.s9xx-glibc
+.x86_64-glibc
+
+# Hidden files (each file)
+.makefile
+.dist
+.rootfs
+
+# src & hw requires
+.src_requires
+.src_requires_depend
+.requires
+.requires_depend
+
+# Tarballs
+*.gz
+*.bz2
+*.lz
+*.xz
+*.tgz
+*.txz
+
+# Signatures
+*.asc
+*.sig
+*.sign
+*.sha1sum
+
+# Patches
+*.patch
+
+# Descriptions
+*.dsc
+*.txt
+
+# Default linux config files
+*.defconfig
+
+# backup copies
+*~
Index: bsd-games/create-2.17-patch/bsd-games-2.17-new/dab/box.cc
===================================================================
--- bsd-games/create-2.17-patch/bsd-games-2.17-new/dab/box.cc (nonexistent)
+++ bsd-games/create-2.17-patch/bsd-games-2.17-new/dab/box.cc (revision 5)
@@ -0,0 +1,166 @@
+/* $NetBSD: box.cc,v 1.1 2003/12/27 01:16:55 christos Exp $ */
+
+/*-
+ * Copyright (c) 2003 The NetBSD Foundation, Inc.
+ * All rights reserved.
+ *
+ * This code is derived from software contributed to The NetBSD Foundation
+ * by Christos Zoulas.
+ *
+ * Redistribution and use in source and binary forms, with or without
+ * modification, are permitted provided that the following conditions
+ * are met:
+ * 1. Redistributions of source code must retain the above copyright
+ * notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer.
+ * 2. Redistributions in binary form must reproduce the above copyright
+ * notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer in the
+ * documentation and/or other materials provided with the distribution.
+ * 3. All advertising materials mentioning features or use of this software
+ * must display the following acknowledgement:
+ * This product includes software developed by the NetBSD
+ * Foundation, Inc. and its contributors.
+ * 4. Neither the name of The NetBSD Foundation nor the names of its
+ * contributors may be used to endorse or promote products derived
+ * from this software without specific prior written permission.
+ *
+ * THIS SOFTWARE IS PROVIDED BY THE NETBSD FOUNDATION, INC. AND CONTRIBUTORS
+ * ``AS IS'' AND ANY EXPRESS OR IMPLIED WARRANTIES, INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED
+ * TO, THE IMPLIED WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTABILITY AND FITNESS FOR A PARTICULAR
+ * PURPOSE ARE DISCLAIMED. IN NO EVENT SHALL THE FOUNDATION OR CONTRIBUTORS
+ * BE LIABLE FOR ANY DIRECT, INDIRECT, INCIDENTAL, SPECIAL, EXEMPLARY, OR
+ * CONSEQUENTIAL DAMAGES (INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, PROCUREMENT OF
+ * SUBSTITUTE GOODS OR SERVICES; LOSS OF USE, DATA, OR PROFITS; OR BUSINESS
+ * INTERRUPTION) HOWEVER CAUSED AND ON ANY THEORY OF LIABILITY, WHETHER IN
+ * CONTRACT, STRICT LIABILITY, OR TORT (INCLUDING NEGLIGENCE OR OTHERWISE)
+ * ARISING IN ANY WAY OUT OF THE USE OF THIS SOFTWARE, EVEN IF ADVISED OF THE
+ * POSSIBILITY OF SUCH DAMAGE.
+ */
+
+/*
+ * box.C: Box computations
+ */
+#include "defs.h"
+RCSID("$NetBSD: box.cc,v 1.1 2003/12/27 01:16:55 christos Exp $")
+
+#include "box.h"
+#include "board.h"
+#include "gamescreen.h"
+
+#ifdef __cplusplus
+extern "C" {
+#endif
+
+#include <curses.h>
+
+#ifdef __cplusplus
+}
+#endif
+
+const POINT BOX::edges[BOX::last] =
+ { { 0, -1 }, { 0, 1 }, { -1, 0 }, { 1, 0 } };
+const POINT BOX::corners[BOX::last] =
+ { { -1, -1 }, { -1, 1 }, { 1, -1 }, { 1, 1 } };
+const int BOX::syms[BOX::last] =
+ { GAMESCREEN::GS_HLINE, GAMESCREEN::GS_HLINE,
+ GAMESCREEN::GS_VLINE, GAMESCREEN::GS_VLINE };
+
+BOX::BOX(size_t py, size_t px, BOARD& b) :
+ _b(b)
+{
+ _centery = py * 2 + 1;
+ _centerx = px * 2 + 1;
+}
+
+void BOX::addcorner(size_t y, size_t x)
+{
+ char sym;
+ _b.getScrn()->moveto(y, x);
+ if (x == 0) {
+ if (y == 0)
+ sym = GAMESCREEN::GS_ULCORNER;
+ else if (y == _b.ty() - 1)
+ sym = GAMESCREEN::GS_LLCORNER;
+ else
+ sym = GAMESCREEN::GS_LTEE;
+ } else if (x == _b.tx() - 1) {
+ if (y == 0)
+ sym = GAMESCREEN::GS_URCORNER;
+ else if (y == _b.ty() - 1)
+ sym = GAMESCREEN::GS_LRCORNER;
+ else
+ sym = GAMESCREEN::GS_RTEE;
+ } else if (y == 0)
+ sym = GAMESCREEN::GS_TTEE;
+ else if (y == _b.ty() - 1)
+ sym = GAMESCREEN::GS_BTEE;
+ else
+ sym = GAMESCREEN::GS_PLUS;
+
+ _b.getScrn()->addedge(sym);
+}
+
+// Paint a box
+void BOX::paint(void)
+{
+ int e;
+ if (_b.getScrn() == NULL)
+ return;
+
+ _b.getScrn()->moveto(_centery, _centerx);
+ _b.getScrn()->addsym(name());
+
+ for (e = BOX::first; e < BOX::last; e++) {
+ addcorner(_centery + corners[e].y, _centerx + corners[e].x);
+ _b.getScrn()->moveto(_centery + edges[e].y, _centerx + edges[e].x);
+ _b.getScrn()->addedge(edge((EDGE) e));
+ }
+ _b.getScrn()->redraw();
+}
+
+// Return the name
+int& BOX::name(void)
+{
+ return _b.data(_centery, _centerx);
+}
+
+// Set an edge
+void BOX::set(int e)
+{
+ _b.data(_centery + edges[e].y, _centerx + edges[e].x) = syms[e];
+}
+
+// Clear an edge
+void BOX::clr(int e)
+{
+ _b.data(_centery + edges[e].y, _centerx + edges[e].x) = ' ';
+}
+
+// Test an edge
+int BOX::isset(int e) const
+{
+ return _b.data(_centery + edges[e].y, _centerx + edges[e].x) != ' ';
+}
+
+// Return the edge
+int& BOX::edge(int e)
+{
+ return _b.data(_centery + edges[e].y, _centerx + edges[e].x);
+}
+
+// Count the number of edges set in the box
+int BOX::count(void) const
+{
+ int cnt = 0;
+
+ for (int e = BOX::first; e < BOX::last; e++)
+ cnt += isset((EDGE) e);
+ return cnt;
+}
+
+// Clear the box
+void BOX::reset(void)
+{
+ for (int e = BOX::first; e < BOX::last; e++)
+ clr((EDGE) e);
+ name() = ' ';
+}
Index: bsd-games/create-2.17-patch/bsd-games-2.17-new/dab/gamescreen.h
===================================================================
--- bsd-games/create-2.17-patch/bsd-games-2.17-new/dab/gamescreen.h (nonexistent)
+++ bsd-games/create-2.17-patch/bsd-games-2.17-new/dab/gamescreen.h (revision 5)
@@ -0,0 +1,79 @@
+/* $NetBSD: gamescreen.h,v 1.1.1.1 2003/12/26 17:57:03 christos Exp $ */
+
+/*-
+ * Copyright (c) 2003 The NetBSD Foundation, Inc.
+ * All rights reserved.
+ *
+ * This code is derived from software contributed to The NetBSD Foundation
+ * by Christos Zoulas.
+ *
+ * Redistribution and use in source and binary forms, with or without
+ * modification, are permitted provided that the following conditions
+ * are met:
+ * 1. Redistributions of source code must retain the above copyright
+ * notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer.
+ * 2. Redistributions in binary form must reproduce the above copyright
+ * notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer in the
+ * documentation and/or other materials provided with the distribution.
+ * 3. All advertising materials mentioning features or use of this software
+ * must display the following acknowledgement:
+ * This product includes software developed by the NetBSD
+ * Foundation, Inc. and its contributors.
+ * 4. Neither the name of The NetBSD Foundation nor the names of its
+ * contributors may be used to endorse or promote products derived
+ * from this software without specific prior written permission.
+ *
+ * THIS SOFTWARE IS PROVIDED BY THE NETBSD FOUNDATION, INC. AND CONTRIBUTORS
+ * ``AS IS'' AND ANY EXPRESS OR IMPLIED WARRANTIES, INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED
+ * TO, THE IMPLIED WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTABILITY AND FITNESS FOR A PARTICULAR
+ * PURPOSE ARE DISCLAIMED. IN NO EVENT SHALL THE FOUNDATION OR CONTRIBUTORS
+ * BE LIABLE FOR ANY DIRECT, INDIRECT, INCIDENTAL, SPECIAL, EXEMPLARY, OR
+ * CONSEQUENTIAL DAMAGES (INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, PROCUREMENT OF
+ * SUBSTITUTE GOODS OR SERVICES; LOSS OF USE, DATA, OR PROFITS; OR BUSINESS
+ * INTERRUPTION) HOWEVER CAUSED AND ON ANY THEORY OF LIABILITY, WHETHER IN
+ * CONTRACT, STRICT LIABILITY, OR TORT (INCLUDING NEGLIGENCE OR OTHERWISE)
+ * ARISING IN ANY WAY OUT OF THE USE OF THIS SOFTWARE, EVEN IF ADVISED OF THE
+ * POSSIBILITY OF SUCH DAMAGE.
+ */
+
+/*
+ * screen.h: Screen base class
+ */
+
+#ifndef _H_GAMESCREEN
+#define _H_GAMESCREEN
+
+#include <stdlib.h>
+
+class PLAYER;
+
+class GAMESCREEN {
+ public:
+ enum EDGE {
+ GS_HLINE,
+ GS_VLINE,
+ GS_ULCORNER,
+ GS_URCORNER,
+ GS_LLCORNER,
+ GS_LRCORNER,
+ GS_LTEE,
+ GS_RTEE,
+ GS_TTEE,
+ GS_BTEE,
+ GS_PLUS
+ };
+ virtual ~GAMESCREEN();
+ virtual void clean(void) = 0; // Clear screen
+ virtual void moveto(size_t y, size_t x) = 0; // Move to x, y
+ virtual void addsym(const int sym) = 0; // Add character symbol
+ virtual void addedge(const int sym) = 0; // Add character symbol
+ virtual void redraw(void) = 0; // Refresh
+ virtual int getinput(void) = 0; // Get user input
+ virtual void bell(void) = 0; // Beep
+ virtual void score(size_t i, const PLAYER& p) = 0; // Post current score
+ virtual void games(size_t i, const PLAYER& p) = 0; // Post games won
+ virtual void total(size_t i, const PLAYER& p) = 0; // Post total score
+ virtual void ties(const PLAYER& p) = 0; // Post tie games
+};
+
+#endif
Index: bsd-games/create-2.17-patch/bsd-games-2.17-new/dab/ttyscrn.cc
===================================================================
--- bsd-games/create-2.17-patch/bsd-games-2.17-new/dab/ttyscrn.cc (nonexistent)
+++ bsd-games/create-2.17-patch/bsd-games-2.17-new/dab/ttyscrn.cc (revision 5)
@@ -0,0 +1,244 @@
+/* $NetBSD: ttyscrn.cc,v 1.2 2003/12/27 18:24:51 martin Exp $ */
+
+/*-
+ * Copyright (c) 2003 The NetBSD Foundation, Inc.
+ * All rights reserved.
+ *
+ * This code is derived from software contributed to The NetBSD Foundation
+ * by Christos Zoulas.
+ *
+ * Redistribution and use in source and binary forms, with or without
+ * modification, are permitted provided that the following conditions
+ * are met:
+ * 1. Redistributions of source code must retain the above copyright
+ * notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer.
+ * 2. Redistributions in binary form must reproduce the above copyright
+ * notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer in the
+ * documentation and/or other materials provided with the distribution.
+ * 3. All advertising materials mentioning features or use of this software
+ * must display the following acknowledgement:
+ * This product includes software developed by the NetBSD
+ * Foundation, Inc. and its contributors.
+ * 4. Neither the name of The NetBSD Foundation nor the names of its
+ * contributors may be used to endorse or promote products derived
+ * from this software without specific prior written permission.
+ *
+ * THIS SOFTWARE IS PROVIDED BY THE NETBSD FOUNDATION, INC. AND CONTRIBUTORS
+ * ``AS IS'' AND ANY EXPRESS OR IMPLIED WARRANTIES, INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED
+ * TO, THE IMPLIED WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTABILITY AND FITNESS FOR A PARTICULAR
+ * PURPOSE ARE DISCLAIMED. IN NO EVENT SHALL THE FOUNDATION OR CONTRIBUTORS
+ * BE LIABLE FOR ANY DIRECT, INDIRECT, INCIDENTAL, SPECIAL, EXEMPLARY, OR
+ * CONSEQUENTIAL DAMAGES (INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, PROCUREMENT OF
+ * SUBSTITUTE GOODS OR SERVICES; LOSS OF USE, DATA, OR PROFITS; OR BUSINESS
+ * INTERRUPTION) HOWEVER CAUSED AND ON ANY THEORY OF LIABILITY, WHETHER IN
+ * CONTRACT, STRICT LIABILITY, OR TORT (INCLUDING NEGLIGENCE OR OTHERWISE)
+ * ARISING IN ANY WAY OUT OF THE USE OF THIS SOFTWARE, EVEN IF ADVISED OF THE
+ * POSSIBILITY OF SUCH DAMAGE.
+ */
+
+/*
+ * ttyscrn.C: Curses screen implementation for dots
+ */
+
+#include "defs.h"
+RCSID("$NetBSD: ttyscrn.cc,v 1.2 2003/12/27 18:24:51 martin Exp $")
+
+#ifdef __cplusplus
+extern "C" {
+#endif
+
+#include <stdio.h>
+#include <curses.h>
+
+#ifdef __cplusplus
+}
+#endif
+
+#include <sys/ioctl.h>
+
+#include "player.h"
+#include "ttyscrn.h"
+
+void TTYSCRN::clean(void)
+{
+ clear();
+}
+
+void TTYSCRN::moveto(size_t y, size_t x)
+{
+ move(y + TTYSCRN::offsy, x + TTYSCRN::offsx);
+}
+
+void TTYSCRN::addsym(const int sym)
+{
+ addch(sym);
+}
+
+void TTYSCRN::addedge(const int sym)
+{
+ int nsym;
+#ifdef A_ALTCHARSET
+ if (_acs) {
+ switch (sym) {
+ case GS_HLINE:
+ nsym = ACS_HLINE;
+ break;
+ case GS_VLINE:
+ nsym = ACS_VLINE;
+ break;
+ case GS_ULCORNER:
+ nsym = ACS_ULCORNER;
+ break;
+ case GS_URCORNER:
+ nsym = ACS_URCORNER;
+ break;
+ case GS_LLCORNER:
+ nsym = ACS_LLCORNER;
+ break;
+ case GS_LRCORNER:
+ nsym = ACS_LRCORNER;
+ break;
+ case GS_LTEE:
+ nsym = ACS_LTEE;
+ break;
+ case GS_RTEE:
+ nsym = ACS_RTEE;
+ break;
+ case GS_TTEE:
+ nsym = ACS_TTEE;
+ break;
+ case GS_BTEE:
+ nsym = ACS_BTEE;
+ break;
+ case GS_PLUS:
+ nsym = ACS_PLUS;
+ break;
+ case ' ':
+ addsym(' ');
+ return;
+ default:
+ ::abort();
+ }
+ attron(A_ALTCHARSET);
+ addch(nsym);
+ attroff(A_ALTCHARSET);
+ return;
+ }
+#endif
+ switch (sym) {
+ case GS_HLINE:
+ nsym = '-';
+ break;
+ case GS_VLINE:
+ nsym = '|';
+ break;
+ case GS_ULCORNER:
+ nsym = '.';
+ break;
+ case GS_URCORNER:
+ nsym = '.';
+ break;
+ case GS_LLCORNER:
+ nsym = '.';
+ break;
+ case GS_LRCORNER:
+ nsym = '.';
+ break;
+ case GS_LTEE:
+ nsym = '.';
+ break;
+ case GS_RTEE:
+ nsym = '.';
+ break;
+ case GS_TTEE:
+ nsym = '.';
+ break;
+ case GS_BTEE:
+ nsym = '.';
+ break;
+ case GS_PLUS:
+ nsym = '+';
+ break;
+ case ' ':
+ addsym(' ');
+ return;
+ default:
+ ::abort();
+ }
+ addsym(nsym);
+}
+
+void TTYSCRN::redraw(void)
+{
+ refresh();
+ doupdate();
+}
+
+void TTYSCRN::bell(void)
+{
+ putc('\007', stdout);
+}
+
+int TTYSCRN::getinput(void)
+{
+ return getch();
+}
+
+void TTYSCRN::score(size_t s, const PLAYER& p)
+{
+ mvwprintw(stdscr, _sy + s + TTYSCRN::offsscore, _sx, "S %c:%5zd", p.getWho(),
+ p.getScore());
+}
+
+void TTYSCRN::total(size_t s, const PLAYER& p)
+{
+ mvwprintw(stdscr, _sy + s + TTYSCRN::offstotal, _sx, "T %c:%5zd", p.getWho(),
+ p.getTotal());
+}
+
+void TTYSCRN::games(size_t s, const PLAYER& p)
+{
+ mvwprintw(stdscr, _sy + s + TTYSCRN::offsgames, _sx, "G %c:%5zd", p.getWho(),
+ p.getGames());
+}
+
+void TTYSCRN::ties(const PLAYER& p)
+{
+ mvwprintw(stdscr, _sy + TTYSCRN::offsties, _sx, "G =:%5zd", p.getTies());
+}
+
+TTYSCRN* TTYSCRN::create(int acs, size_t y, size_t x)
+{
+ int tx, ty;
+
+ initscr();
+
+ tx = getmaxx(stdscr);
+ ty = getmaxy(stdscr);
+
+ if (tx == ERR || ty == ERR || (size_t)tx < x * 2 + TTYSCRN::offsx + 12
+ || (size_t)ty < y * 2 + TTYSCRN::offsy) {
+ endwin();
+ return NULL;
+ }
+ cbreak();
+ noecho();
+
+
+ TTYSCRN* that = new TTYSCRN;
+
+ that->_tx = tx;
+ that->_ty = ty;
+ that->_sx = tx - 12;
+ that->_sy = TTYSCRN::offsy;
+ that->_acs = acs;
+
+ return that;
+}
+
+TTYSCRN::~TTYSCRN(void)
+{
+ nocbreak();
+ echo();
+ endwin();
+}
Index: bsd-games/create-2.17-patch/bsd-games-2.17-new/dab
===================================================================
--- bsd-games/create-2.17-patch/bsd-games-2.17-new/dab (nonexistent)
+++ bsd-games/create-2.17-patch/bsd-games-2.17-new/dab (revision 5)
Property changes on: bsd-games/create-2.17-patch/bsd-games-2.17-new/dab
___________________________________________________________________
Added: svn:ignore
## -0,0 +1,73 ##
+
+# install dir
+dist
+
+# Target build dirs
+.a1x-newlib
+.a2x-newlib
+.at91sam7s-newlib
+
+.build-machine
+
+.a1x-glibc
+.a2x-glibc
+.h3-glibc
+.h5-glibc
+.i586-glibc
+.i686-glibc
+.imx6-glibc
+.jz47xx-glibc
+.makefile
+.am335x-glibc
+.omap543x-glibc
+.p5600-glibc
+.power8-glibc
+.power8le-glibc
+.power9-glibc
+.power9le-glibc
+.m1000-glibc
+.riscv64-glibc
+.rk328x-glibc
+.rk33xx-glibc
+.rk339x-glibc
+.s8xx-glibc
+.s9xx-glibc
+.x86_64-glibc
+
+# Hidden files (each file)
+.makefile
+.dist
+.rootfs
+
+# src & hw requires
+.src_requires
+.src_requires_depend
+.requires
+.requires_depend
+
+# Tarballs
+*.gz
+*.bz2
+*.lz
+*.xz
+*.tgz
+*.txz
+
+# Signatures
+*.asc
+*.sig
+*.sign
+*.sha1sum
+
+# Patches
+*.patch
+
+# Descriptions
+*.dsc
+*.txt
+
+# Default linux config files
+*.defconfig
+
+# backup copies
+*~
Index: bsd-games/create-2.17-patch/bsd-games-2.17-new/fortune/datfiles/Makefrag
===================================================================
--- bsd-games/create-2.17-patch/bsd-games-2.17-new/fortune/datfiles/Makefrag (nonexistent)
+++ bsd-games/create-2.17-patch/bsd-games-2.17-new/fortune/datfiles/Makefrag (revision 5)
@@ -0,0 +1,69 @@
+# Makefrag - makefile fragment for fortune/datfiles
+#
+# Copyright (c) 1997, 1998, 1999, 2001, 2003 Joseph Samuel Myers.
+# All rights reserved.
+#
+# Redistribution and use in source and binary forms, with or without
+# modification, are permitted provided that the following conditions
+# are met:
+# 1. Redistributions of source code must retain the above copyright
+# notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer.
+# 2. Redistributions in binary form must reproduce the above copyright
+# notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer in the
+# documentation and/or other materials provided with the distribution.
+# 3. The name of the author may not be used to endorse or promote products
+# derived from this software without specific prior written permission.
+#
+# THIS SOFTWARE IS PROVIDED BY THE AUTHOR ``AS IS'' AND ANY EXPRESS OR
+# IMPLIED WARRANTIES, INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, THE IMPLIED WARRANTIES
+# OF MERCHANTABILITY AND FITNESS FOR A PARTICULAR PURPOSE ARE DISCLAIMED.
+# IN NO EVENT SHALL THE AUTHOR BE LIABLE FOR ANY DIRECT, INDIRECT,
+# INCIDENTAL, SPECIAL, EXEMPLARY, OR CONSEQUENTIAL DAMAGES (INCLUDING,
+# BUT NOT LIMITED TO, PROCUREMENT OF SUBSTITUTE GOODS OR SERVICES;
+# LOSS OF USE, DATA, OR PROFITS; OR BUSINESS INTERRUPTION) HOWEVER CAUSED
+# AND ON ANY THEORY OF LIABILITY, WHETHER IN CONTRACT, STRICT LIABILITY,
+# OR TORT (INCLUDING NEGLIGENCE OR OTHERWISE) ARISING IN ANY WAY
+# OUT OF THE USE OF THIS SOFTWARE, EVEN IF ADVISED OF THE POSSIBILITY OF
+# SUCH DAMAGE.
+
+fortune_datfiles_DATFILES := farber.dat fortunes.dat fortunes2.dat limerick.dat startrek.dat zippy.dat
+fortune_datfiles_DATFILES_off := fortunes-o.dat fortunes2-o.dat limerick-o.dat unamerican-o.dat
+fortune_datfiles_GENSRCFILES := fortunes-o fortunes2-o limerick-o unamerican-o
+fortune_datfiles_SRCFILES := farber fortunes fortunes2 limerick startrek zippy
+
+fortune_datfiles_DATFILESp := fortune/datfiles/farber.dat \
+ fortune/datfiles/fortunes.dat fortune/datfiles/fortunes2.dat \
+ fortune/datfiles/limerick.dat fortune/datfiles/startrek.dat \
+ fortune/datfiles/zippy.dat
+fortune_datfiles_DATFILES_offp := fortune/datfiles/fortunes-o.dat \
+ fortune/datfiles/fortunes2-o.dat fortune/datfiles/limerick-o.dat \
+ fortune/datfiles/unamerican-o.dat
+fortune_datfiles_GENSRCFILESp := fortune/datfiles/fortunes-o \
+ fortune/datfiles/fortunes2-o fortune/datfiles/limerick-o \
+ fortune/datfiles/unamerican-o
+fortune_datfiles_SRCFILESp := fortune/datfiles/farber \
+ fortune/datfiles/fortunes fortune/datfiles/fortunes2 \
+ fortune/datfiles/limerick fortune/datfiles/startrek \
+ fortune/datfiles/zippy
+
+fortune_datfiles_CLEANFILES := $(fortune_datfiles_DATFILES) $(fortune_datfiles_DATFILES_off) $(fortune_datfiles_GENSRCFILES)
+fortune_datfiles_DIRS := $(FORTUNE_DIR)
+
+fortune_datfiles_all: $(fortune_datfiles_DATFILESp) $(fortune_datfiles_DATFILES_offp) $(fortune_datfiles_SRCFILESp) $(fortune_datfiles_GENSRCFILESp)
+
+fortune_datfiles_install: fortune_datfiles_all
+ set -e; for f in $(fortune_datfiles_SRCFILES) \
+ $(fortune_datfiles_GENSRCFILES) $(fortune_datfiles_DATFILES) \
+ $(fortune_datfiles_DATFILES_off); do \
+ $(INSTALL_DATA) fortune/datfiles/$$f \
+ $(INSTALL_PREFIX)$(FORTUNE_DIR)/$$f; \
+ done
+
+$(fortune_datfiles_DATFILESp): fortune/datfiles/%.dat: fortune/datfiles/% fortune/strfile/strfile
+ fortune/strfile/strfile_build -rs $< $@
+
+$(fortune_datfiles_DATFILES_offp): fortune/datfiles/%.dat: fortune/datfiles/% fortune/strfile/strfile
+ fortune/strfile/strfile_build -rsx $< $@
+
+$(fortune_datfiles_GENSRCFILESp): %: %.$(FORTUNE_TYPE)
+ tr a-zA-Z n-za-mN-ZA-M <$< >$@
Index: bsd-games/create-2.17-patch/bsd-games-2.17-new/fortune/datfiles/fortunes2
===================================================================
--- bsd-games/create-2.17-patch/bsd-games-2.17-new/fortune/datfiles/fortunes2 (nonexistent)
+++ bsd-games/create-2.17-patch/bsd-games-2.17-new/fortune/datfiles/fortunes2 (revision 5)
@@ -0,0 +1,55537 @@
+=======================================================================
+|| ||
+|| The FORTUNE-COOKIE program is soon to be a Major Motion Picture! ||
+|| Watch for it at a theater near you next summer! ||
+|| ||
+=======================================================================
+ Francis Ford Coppola presents a George Lucas Production:
+ "Fortune Cookie"
+ Directed by Steven Spielberg.
+ Starring Harrison Ford Bette Midler Marlon Brando
+ Christopher Reeves Marilyn Chambers
+ and Bob Hope as "The Waiter".
+ Costumes Designed by Pierre Cardin.
+ Special Effects by Timothy Leary.
+ Read the Warner paperback!
+ Invoke the Unix program!
+ Soundtrack on XTC Records.
+ In 70mm and Dolby Stereo at selected theaters and terminal
+ centers.
+%
+ PLAYGIRL, Inc.
+ Philadelphia, Pa. 19369
+Dear Sir:
+ Your name has been submitted to us with your photo. I regret to
+inform you that we will be unable to use your body in our centerfold. On
+a scale of one to ten, your body was rated a minus two by a panel of women
+ranging in age from 60 to 75 years. We tried to assemble a panel in the
+age bracket of 25 to 35 years, but we could not get them to stop laughing
+long enough to reach a decision. Should the taste of the American woman
+ever change so drastically that bodies such as yours would be appropriate
+in our magazine, you will be notified by this office. Please, don't call
+us.
+ Sympathetically,
+ Amanda L. Smith
+
+p.s. We also want to commend you for your unusual pose. Were you
+ wounded in the war, or do you ride your bike a lot?
+%
+ _-^--^=-_
+ _.-^^ -~_
+ _-- --_
+ < >)
+ | |
+ \._ _./
+ ```--. . , ; .--'''
+ | | |
+ .-=|| | |=-.
+ `-=#$%&%$#=-'
+ | ; :|
+ _____.,-#%&$@%#&#~,._____
+%
+ FROM THE DESK OF
+ Dorothy Gale
+
+ Auntie Em:
+ Hate you.
+ Hate Kansas.
+ Taking the dog.
+ Dorothy
+%
+ FROM THE DESK OF
+ Rapunzel
+
+Dear Prince:
+
+ Use ladder tonight --
+ you're splitting my ends.
+%
+ SEMINAR ANNOUNCEMENT
+
+Title: Are Frogs Turing Compatible?
+Speaker: Don "The Lion" Knuth
+
+ ABSTRACT
+ Several researchers at the University of Louisiana have been studying
+the computing power of various amphibians, frogs in particular. The problem
+of frog computability has become a critical issue that ranges across all areas
+of computer science. It has been shown that anything computable by an amphi-
+bian community in a fixed-size pond is computable by a frog in the same-size
+pond -- that is to say, frogs are Pond-space complete. We will show that
+there is a log-space, polywog-time reduction from any Turing machine program
+to a frog. We will suggest these represent a proper subset of frog-computable
+functions.
+ This is not just a let's-see-how-far-those-frogs-can-jump seminar.
+This is only for hardcore amphibian-computation people and their colleagues.
+ Refreshments will be served. Music will be played.
+%
+ UNIX Trix
+
+For those of you in the reseller business, here is a helpful tip that will
+save your support staff a few hours of precious time. Before you send your
+next machine out to an untrained client, change the permissions on /etc/passwd
+to 666 and make sure there is a copy somewhere on the disk. Now when they
+forget the root password, you can easily login as an ordinary user and correct
+the damage. Having a bootable tape (for larger machines) is not a bad idea
+either. If you need some help, give us a call.
+
+ -- CommUNIXque 1:1, ASCAR Business Systems
+%
+ ___====-_ _-====___
+ _--~~~#####// ' ` \\#####~~~--_
+ -~##########// ( ) \\##########~-_
+ -############// |\^^/| \\############-
+ _~############// (O||O) \\############~_
+ ~#############(( \\// ))#############~
+ -###############\\ (oo) //###############-
+ -#################\\ / `' \ //#################-
+ -###################\\/ () \//###################-
+ _#/|##########/\######( (()) )######/\##########|\#_
+ |/ |#/\#/\#/\/ \#/\##| \()/ |##/\#/ \/\#/\#/\#| \|
+ ` |/ V V ` V )|| |()| ||( V ' V /\ \| '
+ ` ` ` ` / | |()| | \ ' '<||> '
+ ( | |()| | )\ /|/
+ __\ |__|()|__| /__\______/|/
+ (vvv(vvvv)(vvvv)vvv)______|/
+%
+ DELETE A FORTUNE!
+Don't some of these fortunes just drive you nuts?!
+Wouldn't you like to see some of them deleted from the system?
+You can! Just mail to `fortune' with the fortune you hate most,
+and we'll make sure it gets expunged.
+%
+ It's grad exam time...
+COMPUTER SCIENCE
+ Inside your desk you'll find a listing of the DEC/VMS operating
+system in IBM 1710 machine code. Show what changes are necessary to convert
+this code into a UNIX Berkeley 7 operating system. Prove that these fixes are
+bug free and run correctly. You should gain at least 150% efficiency in the
+new system. (You should take no more than 10 minutes on this question.)
+
+MATHEMATICS
+ If X equals PI times R^2, construct a formula showing how long
+it would take a fire ant to drill a hole through a dill pickle, if the
+length-girth ratio of the ant to the pickle were 98.17:1.
+
+GENERAL KNOWLEDGE
+Describe the Universe. Give three examples.
+%
+ It's grad exam time...
+MEDICINE
+ You have been provided with a razor blade, a piece of gauze, and a
+bottle of Scotch. Remove your appendix. Do not suture until your work has
+been inspected. (You have 15 minutes.)
+
+HISTORY
+ Describe the history of the papacy from its origins to the present
+day, concentrating especially, but not exclusively, on its social, political,
+economic, religious and philisophical impact upon Europe, Asia, America, and
+Africa. Be brief, concise, and specific.
+
+BIOLOGY
+ Create life. Estimate the differences in subsequent human culture
+if this form of life had been created 500 million years ago or earlier, with
+special attention to its probable effect on the English parliamentary system.
+%
+ Pittsburgh driver's test
+10: Potholes are
+ a) extremely dangerous.
+ b) patriotic.
+ c) the fault of the previous administration.
+ d) all going to be fixed next summer.
+The correct answer is b.
+Potholes destroy unpatriotic, unamerican, imported cars, since the holes
+are larger than the cars. If you drive a big, patriotic, American car
+you have nothing to worry about.
+%
+ Pittsburgh driver's test
+2: A traffic light at an intersection changes from yellow to red, you should
+ a) stop immediately.
+ b) proceed slowly through the intersection.
+ c) blow the horn.
+ d) floor it.
+The correct answer is d.
+If you said c, you were almost right, so give yourself a half point.
+%
+ Pittsburgh driver's test
+3: When stopped at an intersection you should
+ a) watch the traffic light for your lane.
+ b) watch for pedestrians crossing the street.
+ c) blow the horn.
+ d) watch the traffic light for the intersecting street.
+The correct answer is d.
+You need to start as soon as the traffic light for the intersecting
+street turns yellow.
+Answer c is worth a half point.
+%
+ Pittsburgh driver's test
+4: Exhaust gas is
+ a) beneficial.
+ b) not harmful.
+ c) toxic.
+ d) a punk band.
+The correct answer is b.
+The meddling Washington eco-freak communist bureaucrats who say otherwise
+are liars. (Message to those who answered d. Go back to California where
+you came from. Your kind are not welcome here.)
+%
+ Pittsburgh driver's test
+5: Your car's horn is a vital piece of safety equipment.
+ How often should you test it?
+ a) once a year.
+ b) once a month.
+ c) once a day.
+ d) once an hour.
+The correct answer is d.
+You should test your car's horn at least once every hour,
+and more often at night or in residential neighborhoods.
+%
+ Pittsburgh driver's test
+7: The car directly in front of you has a flashing right tail light
+ but a steady left tail light.
+ a) One of the tail lights is broken. You should blow your
+ horn to call the problem to the driver's attention.
+ b) The driver is signaling a right turn.
+ c) The driver is signaling a left turn.
+ d) The driver is from out of town.
+The correct answer is d.
+Tail lights are used in some foreign countries to signal turns.
+%
+ Pittsburgh driver's test
+8: Pedestrians are
+ a) irrelevant.
+ b) communists.
+ c) a nuisance.
+ d) difficult to clean off the front grille.
+The correct answer is a. Pedestrians are not in cars, so they
+are totally irrelevant to driving, and you should ignore them
+completely.
+%
+ Pittsburgh driver's test
+9: Roads are salted in order to
+ a) kill grass.
+ b) melt snow.
+ c) help the economy.
+ d) prevent potholes.
+The correct answer is c.
+Road salting employs thousands of persons directly, and millions more
+indirectly, for example, salt miners and rustproofers. Most important,
+salting reduces the life spans of cars, thus stimulating the car and
+steel industries.
+%
+
+ ( /\__________/\ )
+ \(^ @___..___@ ^)/
+ /\ (\/\/\/\/) /\
+ / \(/\/\/\/\)/ \
+ -( """""""""" )
+ \ _____ /
+ ( /( )\ )
+ _) (_V) (V_) (_
+ (V)(V)(V) (V)(V)(V)
+
+%
+ ___====-_ _-====___
+ _--~~~#####// \\#####~~~--_
+ _-~##########// ( ) \\##########~-_
+ -############// :\^^/: \\############-
+ _~############// (@::@) \\############~_
+ ~#############(( \\// ))#############~
+ -###############\\ (^^) //###############-
+ -#################\\ / "" \ //#################-
+ -###################\\/ \//###################-
+ _#/:##########/\######( /\ )######/\##########:\#_
+ :/ :#/\#/\#/\/ \#/\##\ : : /##/\#/ \/\#/\#/\#: \:
+ " :/ V V " V \#\: : : :/#/ V " V V \: "
+ " " " " \ : : : : / " " " "
+%
+ Has your family tried 'em?
+
+ POWDERMILK BISCUITS
+
+ Heavens, they're tasty and expeditious!
+
+ They're made from whole wheat, to give shy persons
+ the strength to get up and do what needs to be done.
+
+ POWDERMILK BISCUITS
+
+ Buy them ready-made in the big blue box with the picture of
+ the biscuit on the front, or in the brown bag with the dark
+ stains that indicate freshness.
+%
+ Answers to Last Fortunes' Questions:
+1) None. (Moses didn't have an ark).
+2) Your mother, by the pigeonhole principle.
+3) You don't know. Neither does your boss.
+4) Who cares?
+5) 6 (or maybe 4, or else 3). Mr. Alfred J. Duncan of Podunk, Montana,
+ submitted an interesting solution to Problem 5. Unfortunately, I lost it.
+6) I know the answer to this one, but I'm not telling! Suffer! Ha-ha-ha!!
+7) There is an interesting solution to this problem on page 10,953 of my
+ book, which you can pick up for $23.95 at finer bookstores and bathroom
+ supply outlets (or 99 cents at the table in front of Papyrus Books).
+%
+ Hard Copies and Chmod
+
+And everyone thinks computers are impersonal
+cold diskdrives hardware monitors
+user-hostile software
+
+of course they're only bits and bytes
+and characters and strings
+and files
+
+just some old textfiles from my old boyfriend
+telling me he loves me and
+he'll take care of me
+
+simply a discarded printout of a friend's directory
+deep intimate secrets and
+how he doesn't trust me
+
+couldn't hurt me more if they were scented in lavender or mould
+on personal stationery
+ -- terri@csd4.milw.wisc.edu
+%
+ `O' LEVEL COUNTER CULTURE
+Timewarp allowed: 3 hours. Do not scrawl situationalist graffiti in the
+margins or stub your rollups in the inkwells. Orange may be worn. Credit
+will be given to candidates who self-actualise.
+
+ 1: Compare and contrast Pink Floyd with Black Sabbath and say why
+neither has street credibility.
+ 2: "Even Buddha would have been hard pushed to reach Nirvana squatting
+on a juggernaut route." Consider the dialectic of inner truth and inner
+city.
+ 3: Discuss degree of hassle involved in paranoia about being sucked
+into a black hole.
+ 4: "The Egomaniac's Liberation Front were a bunch of revisionist
+ripoff merchants." Comment on this insult.
+ 5: Account for the lack of references to brown rice in Dylan's lyrics.
+ 6: "Castenada was a bit of a bozo." How far is this a fair summing
+up of western dualism?
+ 7: Hermann Hesse was a Pisces. Discuss.
+%
+ OUTCONERR
+Twas FORTRAN as the doloop goes
+ Did logzerneg the ifthen block
+All kludgy were the function flows
+ And subroutines adhoc.
+
+Beware the runtime-bug my friend
+ squrooneg, the false goto
+Beware the infiniteloop
+ And shun the inprectoo.
+%
+ Safety Tips for the Post-Nuclear Existence
+1. Never use an elevator in a building that has been hit by a
+ nuclear bomb, use the stairs.
+2. When you're flying through the air, remember to roll
+ when you hit the ground.
+3. If you're on fire, avoid gasoline and other flammable materials.
+4. Don't attempt communication with dead people; it will only lead
+ to psychological problems.
+5. Food will be scarce, you will have to scavenge. Learn to recognize
+ foods that will be available after the bomb: mashed potatoes,
+ shredded wheat, tossed salad, ground beef, etc.
+6. Put your hand over your mouth when you sneeze, internal organs
+ will be scarce in the post-nuclear age.
+7. Try to be neat, fall only in designated piles.
+8. Drive carefully in "Heavy Fallout" areas, people could be
+ staggering illegally.
+9. Nutritionally, hundred dollar bills are equal to one's, but more
+ sanitary due to limited circulation.
+10. Accumulate mannequins now, spare parts will be in short
+ supply on D-Day.
+%
+ The Guy on the Right Doesn't Stand a Chance
+The guy on the right has the Osborne 1, a fully functional computer system
+in a portable package the size of a briefcase. The guy on the left has an
+Uzi submachine gun concealed in his attache case. Also in the case are four
+fully loaded, 32-round clips of 125-grain 9mm ammunition. The owner of the
+Uzi is going to get more tactical firepower delivered -- and delivered on
+target -- in less time, and with less effort. All for $795. It's inevitable.
+If you're going up against some guy with an Osborne 1 -- or any personal
+computer -- he's the one who's in trouble. One round from an Uzi can zip
+through ten inches of solid pine wood, so you can imagine what it will do
+to structural foam acrylic and sheet aluminum. In fact, detachable magazines
+for the Uzi are available in 25-, 32-, and 40-round capacities, so you can
+take out an entire office full of Apple II or IBM Personal Computers tied
+into Ethernet or other local-area networks. What about the new 16-bit
+computers, like the Lisa and Fortune? Even with the Winchester backup,
+they're no match for the Uzi. One quick burst and they'll find out what
+Unix means. Make your commanding officer proud. Get an Uzi -- and come home
+a winner in the fight for office automatic weapons.
+ -- "InfoWorld", June, 1984
+%
+ The Split-Atom Blues
+Gimme Twinkies, gimme wine,
+ Gimme jeans by Calvin Kline...
+But if you split those atoms fine,
+ Mama keep 'em off those genes of mine!
+Gimme zits, take my dough,
+ Gimme arsenic in my jelly roll...
+Call the devil and sell my soul,
+ But Mama keep dem atoms whole!
+ -- Milo Bloom
+%
+ THIS IS PLEDGE WEEK FOR THE FORTUNE PROGRAM
+
+If you like the fortune program, why not support it now with your contribution
+of a pithy fortune, clean or obscene? We cannot continue without your support.
+Less than 14% of all fortune users are contributors. That means that 86% of
+you are getting a free ride. We can't go on like this much longer. Federal
+cutbacks mean less money for fortunes, and unless user contributions increase
+to make up the difference, the fortune program will have to shut down between
+midnight and 8 a.m. Don't let this happen. Mail your fortunes right now to
+`fortune'. Just type in your favorite pithy fortune. Do it now before you
+forget. Our target is 300 new fortunes by the end of the week. Don't miss
+out. All fortunes will be acknowledged. If you contribute 30 fortunes or
+more, you will receive a free subscription to "The Fortune Hunter", our monthly
+program guide. If you contribute 50 or more, you will receive a free "Fortune
+Hunter" coffee mug!
+%
+ What I Did During My Fall Semester
+On the first day of my fall semester, I got up.
+Then I went to the library to find a thesis topic.
+Then I hung out in front of the Dover.
+
+On the second day of my fall semester, I got up.
+Then I went to the library to find a thesis topic.
+Then I hung out in front of the Dover.
+
+On the third day of my fall semester, I got up.
+Then I went to the library to find a thesis topic.
+I found a thesis topic:
+ How to keep people from hanging out in front of the Dover.
+ -- Sister Mary Elephant,
+ "Student Statement for Black Friday"
+%
+ 1/3
+ /\(3)
+ | 2 1/3
+ | z dz cos(3 * PI / 9) = ln (e )
+ |
+ \/ 1
+
+The integral of z squared, dz
+From 1 to the cube root of 3
+ Times the cosine
+ Of 3 PI over nine
+Is the log of the cube root of e
+%
+ THE DAILY PLANET
+
+ SUPERMAN SAVES DESSERT!
+ Plans to "Eat it later"
+%
+ *** A NEW KIND OF PROGRAMMING ***
+
+Do you want the instant respect that comes from being able to use technical
+terms that nobody understands? Do you want to strike fear and loathing into
+the hearts of DP managers everywhere? If so, then let the Famous Programmers'
+School lead you on... into the world of professional computer programming.
+They say a good programmer can write 20 lines of effective program per day.
+With our unique training course, we'll show you how to write 20 lines of code
+and lots more besides. Our training course covers every programming language
+in existence, and some that aren't. You'll learn why the on/off switch for a
+computer is so important, what the words *fatal error* mean, and who and what
+you should blame when you make a mistake.
+
+ Yes, I want the brochure describing this incredible offer.
+ I enclose $1000 is small unmarked bills to cover the cost of
+ postage and handling. (No live poultry, please.)
+
+*** Our Slogan: Top down programming for the masses. ***
+%
+ *** DO YOU HAVE A RESTLESS URGE TO PROGRAM? ***
+Do you want the instant respect that comes from being able to use technical
+terms that nobody understands? Do you want to strike fear and loathing into
+the hearts of DP managers everywhere? If so, then let the Famous Programmers'
+School lead you on... into the world of professional computer programming.
+
+ *** IS PROGRAMMING FOR YOU? ***
+Programming is not for everyone. But, if you have the desire to learn, we can
+help you get started. All you need is the Famous Programmers' Course and
+enough money to keep those lessons coming month after month.
+
+ *** TAKE OUR FREE APTITUDE TEST ***
+To help determine if you are qualified to be a programmer, take a moment to
+try this simple test:
+ 1: Write down the numbers from zero to nine and the first six letters
+ of the alphabet (Hint: 0123456789ABCDEF).
+ 2: Whose picture is on the back of a twenty-dollar bill?
+ 3: What is the state capital of Idaho?
+If you managed to read all three questions without wondering why we asked
+them, you may have a future as a computer programmer.
+%
+ *** STUDENT SUCCESSES ***
+
+Many of our students have gone on to achieve great success in all fields of
+programming. One former student developed the concept of the personalized
+form letter. Does the phrase, "Dear Mr.(insert name), You may already be a
+winner!," sound familiar? Another student writes "After only five lessons I
+sold a "My Most Unforgettable Program" article to Corrosive Computing magazine.
+Another of our graduates writes, "I recently completed a database-management
+program for my department manager. My program touched him so deeply that he
+was speechless. He told me later that he had never seen such a program in
+his entire career. Thank you, Famous Programmers' school; only you could
+have made this possible." Send for our introductory brochure which explains
+in vague detail the operation of the Famous Programmers' School, and you'll
+be eligible to win a possible chance to enter a drawing, the winner of which
+can vie for a set of free steak knives. If you don't do it now, you'll hate
+yourself in the morning.
+%
+ ... This striving for excellence extends into people's
+personal lives as well. When '80s people buy something, they buy the
+best one, as determined by (1) price and (2) lack of availability.
+Eighties people buy imported dental floss. They buy gourmet baking
+soda. If an '80s couple goes to a restaurant where they have made a
+reservation three weeks in advance, and they are informed that their
+table is available, they stalk out immediately, because they know it is
+not an excellent restaurant. If it were, it would have an enormous
+crowd of excellence-oriented people like themselves waiting, their
+beepers going off like crickets in the night. An excellent restaurant
+wouldn't have a table ready immediately for anybody below the rank of
+Liza Minnelli.
+ -- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence"
+%
+ ... with liberty and justice for all who can afford it.
+%
+ 12 + 144 + 20 + 3(4) 2
+ ---------------------- + 5(11) = 9 + 0
+ 7
+
+A dozen, a gross and a score,
+Plus three times the square root of four,
+ Divided by seven,
+ Plus five times eleven,
+Equals nine squared plus zero, no more!
+%
+ 7,140 pounds on the Sun
+ 97 pounds on Mercury or Mars
+ 255 pounds on Earth
+ 232 pounds on Venus or Uranus
+ 43 pounds on the Moon
+ 648 pounds on Jupiter
+ 275 pounds on Saturn
+ 303 pounds on Neptune
+ 13 pounds on Pluto
+
+ -- How much Elvis Presley would weigh at various places
+ in the solar system.
+%
+ A boy scout troop went on a hike. Crossing over a stream, one of
+the boys dropped his wallet into the water. Suddenly a carp jumped, grabbed
+the wallet and tossed it to another carp. Then that carp passed it to
+another carp, and all over the river carp appeared and tossed the wallet back
+and forth.
+ "Well, boys," said the Scout leader, "you've just seen a rare case
+of carp-to-carp walleting."
+%
+ A carpet installer decides to take a cigarette break after completing
+the installation in the first of several rooms he has to do. Finding them
+missing from his pocket he begins searching, only to notice a small lump in
+his recently completed carpet-installation. Not wanting to pull up all that
+work for a lousy pack of cigarettes he simply walks over and pounds the lump
+flat. Foregoing the break, he continues on to the other rooms to be carpeted.
+ At the end of the day, while loading his tools into his truck, two
+events occur almost simultaneously: he spies his pack of cigarettes on the
+dashboard of the truck, and the lady of the house summons him imperiously:
+"Have you seen my parakeet?"
+%
+ A circus foreman was making the rounds inspecting the big top when
+a scrawny little man entered the tent and walked up to him. "Are you the
+foreman around here?" he asked timidly. "I'd like to join your circus; I
+have what I think is a pretty good act."
+ The foreman nodded assent, whereupon the little man hurried over to
+the main pole and rapidly climbed up to the very tip-top of the big top.
+Drawing a deep breath, he hurled himself off into the air and began flapping
+his arms furiously. Amazingly, rather than plummeting to his death the little
+man began to fly all around the poles, lines, trapezes and other obstacles,
+performing astounding feats of aerobatics which ended in a long power dive
+from the top of the tent, pulling up into a gentle feet-first landing beside
+the foreman, who had been nonchalantly watching the whole time.
+ "Well," puffed the little man. "What do you think?"
+ "That's all you do?" answered the foreman scornfully. "Bird
+imitations?"
+%
+ A disciple of another sect once came to Drescher as he was eating
+his morning meal. "I would like to give you this personality test", said
+the outsider, "because I want you to be happy."
+ Drescher took the paper that was offered him and put it into the
+toaster -- "I wish the toaster to be happy too".
+%
+ A doctor, an architect, and a computer scientist were arguing about
+whose profession was the oldest. In the course of their arguments, they
+got all the way back to the Garden of Eden, whereupon the doctor said, "The
+medical profession is clearly the oldest, because Eve was made from Adam's
+rib, as the story goes, and that was a simply incredible surgical feat."
+ The architect did not agree. He said, "But if you look at the Garden
+itself, in the beginning there was chaos and void, and out of that the Garden
+and the world were created. So God must have been an architect."
+ The computer scientist, who'd listened carefully to all of this, then
+commented, "Yes, but where do you think the chaos came from?"
+%
+ A farmer decides that his three sows should be bred, and contacts a
+buddy down the road, who owns several boars. They agree on a stud fee, and
+the farmer puts the sows in his pickup and takes them down the road to the
+boars. He leaves them all day, and when he picks them up that night, asks
+the man how he can tell if it "took" or not. The breeder replies that if,
+the next morning, the sows were grazing on grass, they were pregnant, but if
+they were rolling in the mud as usual, they probably weren't.
+ Comes the morn, the sows are rolling in the mud as usual, so the
+farmer puts them in the truck and brings them back for a second full day of
+frolic. This continues for a week, since each morning the sows are rolling
+in the mud.
+ Around the sixth day, the farmer wakes up and tells his wife, "I
+don't have the heart to look again. This is getting ridiculous. You check
+today." With that, the wife peeks out the bedroom window and starts to laugh.
+ "What is it?" asks the farmer excitedly. "Are they grazing at last?"
+ "Nope." replies his wife. "Two of them are jumping up and down in
+the back of your truck, and the other one is honking the horn!"
+%
+ A father gave his teen-age daughter an untrained pedigreed pup for
+her birthday. An hour later, when wandered through the house, he found her
+looking at a puddle in the center of the kitchen. "My pup," she murmured
+sadly, "runneth over."
+ Catching his children with their hands in the new, still wet, patio,
+the father spanked them. His wife asked, "Don't you love your children?"
+"In the abstract, yes, but not in the concrete."
+%
+ A German, a Pole and a Czech left camp for a hike through the woods.
+After being reported missing a day or two later, rangers found two bears,
+one a male, one a female, looking suspiciously overstuffed. They killed
+the female, autopsied her, and sure enough, found the German and the Pole.
+ "What do you think?" said the first ranger.
+ "The Czech is in the male," replied the second.
+%
+ A group of soldiers being prepared for a practice landing on a tropical
+island were warned of the one danger the island held, a poisonous snake that
+could be readily identified by its alternating orange and black bands. They
+were instructed, should they find one of these snakes, to grab the tail end of
+the snake with one hand and slide the other hand up the body of the snake to
+the snake's head. Then, forcefully, bend the thumb above the snake's head
+downward to break the snake's spine. All went well for the landing, the
+charge up the beach, and the move into the jungle. At one foxhole site, two
+men were starting to dig and wondering what had happened to their partner.
+Suddenly he staggered out of the underbrush, uniform in shreds, covered with
+blood. He collapsed to the ground. His buddies were so shocked they could
+only blurt out, "What happened?"
+ "I ran from the beachhead to the edge of the jungle, and, as I hit the
+ground, I saw an orange and black striped snake right in front of me. I
+grabbed its tail end with my left hand. I placed my right hand above my left
+hand. I held firmly with my left hand and slid my right hand up the body of
+the snake. When I reached the head of the snake I flicked my right thumb down
+to break the snake's spine... did you ever goose a tiger?"
+%
+ A guy returns from a long trip to Europe, having left his beloved
+dog in his brother's care. The minute he's cleared customs, he calls up his
+brother and inquires after his pet.
+ "Your dog's dead," replies his brother bluntly.
+ The guy is devastated. "You know how much that dog meant to me,"
+he moaned into the phone. "Couldn't you at least have thought of a nicer way
+of breaking the news? Couldn't you have said, `Well, you know, the dog got
+outside one day, and was crossing the street, and a car was speeding around a
+corner...' or something...? Why are you always so thoughtless?"
+ "Look, I'm sorry," said his brother, "I guess I just didn't think."
+ "Okay, okay, let's just put it behind us. How are you anyway?
+How's Mom?"
+ His brother is silent a moment. "Uh," he stammers, "uh... Mom got
+outside one day..."
+%
+ A guy walks into a pub and asks: "Does anyone here own a Doberman?
+I feel really bad about this, but my Chihuahua just killed it."
+ A man leaps to his feet and replies, "Yes, I do, but how can that
+be? I raised that dog from a pup to be a vicious killer."
+ "Yes, well, that's all well and good," replied the first, "but my
+dog's stuck in its throat."
+%
+ A horse breeder has his young colts bottle-fed after they're three
+days old. He heard that a foal and his mummy are soon parted.
+ A crow perched himself on a telephone wire. He was going to make a
+long-distance caw.
+ A musical reviewer admitted he always praised the first show of a
+new theatrical season. "Who am I to stone the first cast?"
+ A hard-luck actor who appeared in one colossal disaster after another
+finally got a break, a broken leg to be exact. Someone pointed out that it's
+the first time the poor fellow's been in the same cast for more than a week.
+%
+ A housewife, an accountant and a lawyer were asked to add 2 and 2.
+ The housewife replied, "Four!".
+ The accountant said, "It's either 3 or 4. Let me run those figures
+through my spread sheet one more time."
+ The lawyer pulled the drapes, dimmed the lights and asked in a
+hushed voice, "How much do you want it to be?"
+%
+ A lawyer named Strange was shopping for a tombstone. After he had
+made his selection, the stonecutter asked him what inscription he
+would like on it. "Here lies an honest man and a lawyer," responded the
+lawyer.
+ "Sorry, but I can't do that," replied the stonecutter. "In this
+state, it's against the law to bury two people in the same grave. However,
+I could put ``here lies an honest lawyer'', if that would be okay."
+ "But that won't let people know who it is" protested the lawyer.
+ "Certainly will," retorted the stonecutter. "people will read it
+and exclaim, "That's Strange!"
+%
+ A little dog goes into a saloon in the Wild West, and beckons to
+the bartender. "Hey, bartender, gimmie a whiskey."
+ The bartender ignores him.
+ "Hey bartender, gimmie a whiskey."
+ Still ignored.
+ "HEY BARMAN!! GIMMIE A WHISKEY!!"
+ The bartender takes out his six-shooter and shoots the dog in the
+leg, and the dog runs out the saloon, howling in pain.
+ Three years later, the wee dog appears again, wearing boots,
+jeans, chaps, a Stetson, gun belt, and guns. He ambles slowly into the
+saloon, goes up to the bar, leans over it, and says to the bartender,
+"I'm here t'git the man that shot muh paw."
+%
+ A man enters a pet shop, seeking to purchase a parrot. He points
+to a fine colorful bird and asks how much it costs.
+ When he is told it costs 70,000 zlotys, he whistles in amazement
+and asks why it is so much. "Well, the bird is fluent in Italian and
+French and can recite the periodic table." He points to another bird
+and is told that it costs 90,000 zlotys because it speaks French and
+German, can knit and can curse in Latin.
+ Finally the customer asks about a drab gray bird. "Ah," he is
+told, "that one is 150,000."
+ "Why, what can it do?" he asks.
+ "Well," says the shopkeeper, "to tell you the truth, he doesn't
+do anything, but the other birds call him Mr. Secretary."
+ -- being told in Poland, 1987
+%
+ A man from AI walked across the mountains to SAIL to see the Master,
+Knuth. When he arrived, the Master was nowhere to be found. "Where is the
+wise one named Knuth?" he asked a passing student.
+ "Ah," said the student, "you have not heard. He has gone on a
+pilgrimage across the mountains to the temple of AI to seek out new
+disciples."
+ Hearing this, the man was Enlightened.
+%
+ A man met a beautiful young woman in a bar. They got along well,
+shared dinner, and had a marvelous evening. When he left her, he told her
+that he had really enjoyed their time together, and hoped to see her again,
+soon. Smiling yes, she gave him her phone number.
+ The next day, he called her up and asked her to go dancing. She
+agreed. As they talked, he jokingly asked her what her favorite flower was.
+Realizing his intentions, she told him that he shouldn't bring her flowers
+-- if he wanted to bring her a gift, well, he should bring her a Swiss Army
+knife!
+ Surprised, and not a little intrigued, he spent a large part of the
+afternoon finding a particularly unusual one. Arriving at her apartment
+he immediately presented her with the knife. She ooohed and ahhhed over it
+for a minute, and then carefully placed it in a drawer, that the man couldn't
+help but see was full of Swiss Army knives.
+ Surprised, he asked her why she had collected so many.
+ "Well, I'm young and attractive now", blushed the woman, "but that
+won't always be true. And boy scouts will do anything for a Swiss Army knife!"
+%
+ A man sank into the psychiatrist's couch and said, "I have a
+terrible problem, Doctor. I have a son at Harvard and another son at
+Princeton; I've just gifted each of them with a new Ferrari; I've got
+homes in Beverly Hills, Palm Beach, and a co-op in New York; and I've
+got a thriving ranch in Venezuela. My wife is a gorgeous young actress
+who considers my two mistresses to be her best friends."
+ The psychiatrist looked at the patient, confused. "Did I miss
+something? It sounds to me like you have no problems at all."
+ "But, Doctor, I only make $175 a week."
+%
+ A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender,
+"Do you serve lawyers here?".
+ "Sure do," replied the bartender.
+ "Good," said the man. "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for
+my 'gator."
+%
+ A man who keeps stealing mopeds is an obvious cycle-path.
+ A man pleaded innocent of any wrong doing when caught by the police
+during a raid at the home of a mobster, excusing himself by claiming that he
+was making a bolt for the door.
+ A farm in the country side had several turkeys, it was known as the
+house of seven gobbles.
+ A man was reading The Canterbury Tales one Saturday morning, when his
+wife asked "What have you got there?" Replied he, "Just my cup and Chaucer."
+ A women was in love with fourteen soldiers, it was clearly platoonic.
+ Max told his friend that he'd just as soon not go hiking in the hills.
+Said he, "I'm an anti-climb Max."
+%
+ A manager asked a programmer how long it would take him to finish the
+program on which he was working. "I will be finished tomorrow," the programmer
+promptly replied.
+ "I think you are being unrealistic," said the manager. "Truthfully,
+how long will it take?"
+ The programmer thought for a moment. "I have some features that I wish
+to add. This will take at least two weeks," he finally said.
+ "Even that is too much to expect," insisted the manager, "I will be
+satisfied if you simply tell me when the program is complete."
+ The programmer agreed to this.
+ Several years slated, the manager retired. On the way to his
+retirement lunch, he discovered the programmer asleep at his terminal.
+He had been programming all night.
+ -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
+%
+ A manager was about to be fired, but a programmer who worked for him
+invented a new program that became popular and sold well. As a result, the
+manager retained his job.
+ The manager tried to give the programmer a bonus, but the programmer
+refused it, saying, "I wrote the program because I though it was an interesting
+concept, and thus I expect no reward."
+ The manager, upon hearing this, remarked, "This programmer, though he
+holds a position of small esteem, understands well the proper duty of an
+employee. Lets promote him to the exalted position of management consultant!"
+ But when told this, the programmer once more refused, saying, "I exist
+so that I can program. If I were promoted, I would do nothing but waste
+everyone's time. Can I go now? I have a program that I'm working on."
+ -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
+%
+ A manager went to the master programmer and showed him the requirements
+document for a new application. The manager asked the master: "How long will
+it take to design this system if I assign five programmers to it?"
+ "It will take one year," said the master promptly.
+ "But we need this system immediately or even sooner! How long will it
+take it I assign ten programmers to it?"
+ The master programmer frowned. "In that case, it will take two years."
+ "And what if I assign a hundred programmers to it?"
+ The master programmer shrugged. "Then the design will never be
+completed," he said.
+ -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
+%
+ A manger went to his programmers and told them: "As regards to your
+work hours: you are going to have to come in at nine in the morning and leave
+at five in the afternoon." At this, all of them became angry and several
+resigned on the spot.
+ So the manager said: "All right, in that case you may set your own
+working hours, as long as you finish your projects on schedule." The
+programmers, now satisfied, began to come in a noon and work to the wee
+hours of the morning.
+ -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
+%
+ A master programmer passed a novice programmer one day. The master
+noted the novice's preoccupation with a hand-held computer game. "Excuse me",
+he said, "may I examine it?"
+ The novice bolted to attention and handed the device to the master.
+"I see that the device claims to have three levels of play: Easy, Medium,
+and Hard", said the master. "Yet every such device has another level of play,
+where the device seeks not to conquer the human, nor to be conquered by the
+human."
+ "Pray, great master," implored the novice, "how does one find this
+mysterious setting?"
+ The master dropped the device to the ground and crushed it under foot.
+And suddenly the novice was enlightened.
+ -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
+%
+ A master was explaining the nature of Tao to one of his novices.
+"The Tao is embodied in all software -- regardless of how insignificant,"
+said the master.
+ "Is the Tao in a hand-held calculator?" asked the novice.
+ "It is," came the reply.
+ "Is the Tao in a video game?" continued the novice.
+ "It is even in a video game," said the master.
+ "And is the Tao in the DOS for a personal computer?"
+ The master coughed and shifted his position slightly. "The lesson
+is over for today.", he said.
+ -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
+%
+ A master was explaining the nature of the Tao to one of his novices,
+"The Tao is embodied in all software -- regardless of how insignificant,"
+said the master.
+ "Is the Tao in a hand-held calculator?" asked the novice.
+ "It is," came the reply.
+ "Is the Tao in a video game?" continued the novice.
+ "It is even in a video game," said the master.
+ "And is the Tao in the DOS for a personal computer?"
+ The master coughed and shifted his position slightly. "The lesson is
+over for today," he said.
+ -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
+%
+ A MODERN FABLE
+
+Aesop's fables and other traditional children's stories involve allegory
+far too subtle for the youth of today. Children need an updated message
+with contemporary circumstance and plot line, and short enough to suit
+today's minute attention span.
+
+ The Troubled Aardvark
+
+Once upon a time, there was an aardvark whose only pleasure in life was
+driving from his suburban bungalow to his job at a large brokerage house
+in his brand new 4x4. He hated his manipulative boss, his conniving and
+unethical co-workers, his greedy wife, and his snivelling, spoiled
+children. One day, the aardvark reflected on the meaning of his life and
+his career and on the unchecked, catastrophic decline of his nation, its
+pathetic excuse for leadership, and the complete ineffectiveness of any
+personal effort he could make to change the status quo. Overcome by a
+wave of utter depression and self-doubt, he decided to take the only
+course of action that would bring him greater comfort and happiness: he
+drove to the mall and bought imported consumer electronics goods.
+
+MORAL OF THE STORY: Invest in foreign consumer electronics manufacturers.
+ -- Tom Annau
+%
+ A musician of more ambition than talent composed an elegy at
+the death of composer Edward MacDowell. She played the elegy for the
+pianist Josef Hoffman, then asked his opinion. "Well, it's quite
+nice," he replied, but don't you think it would be better if..."
+ "If what?" asked the composer.
+ "If ... if you had died and MacDowell had written the elegy?"
+%
+ A novel approach is to remove all power from the system, which
+removes most system overhead so that resources can be fully devoted to
+doing nothing. Benchmarks on this technique are promising; tremendous
+amounts of nothing can be produced in this manner. Certain hardware
+limitations can limit the speed of this method, especially in the
+larger systems which require a more involved & less efficient
+power-down sequence.
+ An alternate approach is to pull the main breaker for the
+building, which seems to provide even more nothing, but in truth has
+bugs in it, since it usually inhibits the systems which keep the beer
+cool.
+%
+ A novice asked the Master: "Here is a programmer that never designs,
+documents, or tests his programs. Yet all who know him consider him one of
+the best programmers in the world. Why is this?"
+ The Master replies: "That programmer has mastered the Tao. He has
+gone beyond the need for design; he does not become angry when the system
+crashes, but accepts the universe without concern. He has gone beyond the
+need for documentation; he no longer cares if anyone else sees his code. He
+has gone beyond the need for testing; each of his programs are perfect within
+themselves, serene and elegant, their purpose self-evident. Truly, he has
+entered the mystery of the Tao."
+ -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
+%
+ A novice asked the master: "I have a program that sometimes runs and
+sometimes aborts. I have followed the rules of programming, yet I am totally
+baffled. What is the reason for this?"
+ The master replied: "You are confused because you do not understand
+the Tao. Only a fool expects rational behavior from his fellow humans. Why
+do you expect it from a machine that humans have constructed? Computers
+simulate determinism; only the Tao is perfect.
+ The rules of programming are transitory; only the Tao is eternal.
+Therefore you must contemplate the Tao before you receive enlightenment."
+ "But how will I know when I have received enlightenment?" asked the
+novice.
+ "Your program will then run correctly," replied the master.
+ -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
+%
+ A novice asked the master: "I perceive that one computer company is
+much larger than all others. It towers above its competition like a giant
+among dwarfs. Any one of its divisions could comprise an entire business.
+Why is this so?"
+ The master replied, "Why do you ask such foolish questions? That
+company is large because it is so large. If it only made hardware, nobody
+would buy it. If it only maintained systems, people would treat it like a
+servant. But because it combines all of these things, people think it one
+of the gods! By not seeking to strive, it conquers without effort."
+ -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
+%
+ A novice asked the master: "In the east there is a great tree-structure
+that men call 'Corporate Headquarters'. It is bloated out of shape with
+vice-presidents and accountants. It issues a multitude of memos, each saying
+'Go, Hence!' or 'Go, Hither!' and nobody knows what is meant. Every year new
+names are put onto the branches, but all to no avail. How can such an
+unnatural entity exist?"
+ The master replies: "You perceive this immense structure and are
+disturbed that it has no rational purpose. Can you not take amusement from
+its endless gyrations? Do you not enjoy the untroubled ease of programming
+beneath its sheltering branches? Why are you bothered by its uselessness?"
+ -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
+%
+ A novice programmer was once assigned to code a simple financial
+package.
+ The novice worked furiously for many days, but when his master
+reviewed his program, he discovered that it contained a screen editor, a set
+of generalized graphics routines, and artificial intelligence interface,
+but not the slightest mention of anything financial.
+ When the master asked about this, the novice became indignant.
+"Don't be so impatient," he said, "I'll put the financial stuff in eventually."
+ -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
+%
+ A novice was trying to fix a broken lisp machine by turning the
+power off and on. Knight, seeing what the student was doing spoke sternly,
+"You cannot fix a machine by just power-cycling it with no understanding
+of what is going wrong." Knight turned the machine off and on. The
+machine worked.
+%
+ A Pole, a Soviet, an American, an Englishman and a Canadian were lost
+in a forest in the dead of winter. As they were sitting around a fire, they
+noticed a pack of wolves eyeing them hungrily.
+ The Englishman volunteered to sacrifice himself for the rest of the
+party. He walked out into the night.
+ The American, not wanting to be outdone by an Englishman, offered to
+be the next victim. The wolves eagerly accepted his offer, and devoured him,
+too.
+ The Soviet, believing himself to be better than any American, turned
+to the Pole and says, "Well, comrade, I shall volunteer to give my life to
+save a fellow socialist." He leaves the shelter and goes out to be killed by
+the wolf pack.
+ At this point, the Pole opened his jacket and pulls out a machine gun.
+He takes aim in the general direction of the wolf pack and in a few seconds
+has killed them all.
+ The Canadian asked the Pole, "Why didn't you do that before the others
+went out to be killed?
+ The Pole pulls a bottle of vodka from the other side of his jacket.
+He smiles and replies, "Five men on one bottle -- too many."
+%
+ A priest was walking along the cliffs at Dover when he came upon
+two locals pulling another man ashore on the end of a rope. "That's what
+I like to see", said the priest, "A man helping his fellow man".
+ As he was walking away, one local remarked to the other, "Well,
+he sure doesn't know the first thing about shark fishing."
+%
+ A program should be light and agile, its subroutines connected like a
+strings of pearls. The spirit and intent of the program should be retained
+throughout. There should be neither too little nor too much, neither needless
+loops nor useless variables, neither lack of structure nor overwhelming
+rigidity.
+ A program should follow the 'Law of Least Astonishment'. What is this
+law? It is simply that the program should always respond to the user in the
+way that astonishes him least.
+ A program, no matter how complex, should act as a single unit. The
+program should be directed by the logic within rather than by outward
+appearances.
+ If the program fails in these requirements, it will be in a state of
+disorder and confusion. The only way to correct this is to rewrite the
+program.
+ -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
+%
+ A programmer from a very large computer company went to a software
+conference and then returned to report to his manager, saying: "What sort
+of programmers work for other companies? They behaved badly and were
+unconcerned with appearances. Their hair was long and unkempt and their
+clothes were wrinkled and old. They crashed our hospitality suites and they
+made rude noises during my presentation."
+ The manager said: "I should have never sent you to the conference.
+Those programmers live beyond the physical world. They consider life absurd,
+an accidental coincidence. They come and go without knowing limitations.
+Without a care, they live only for their programs. Why should they bother
+with social conventions?"
+ "They are alive within the Tao."
+ -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
+%
+ A ranger was walking through the forest and encountered a hunter
+carrying a shotgun and a dead loon. "What in the world do you think you're
+doing? Don't you know that the loon is on the endangered species list?"
+ Instead of answering, the hunter showed the ranger his game bag,
+which contained twelve more loons.
+ "Why would you shoot loons?", the ranger asked.
+ "Well, my family eats them and I sell the plumage."
+ "What's so special about a loon? What does it taste like?"
+ "Oh, somewhere between an American Bald Eagle and a Trumpeter Swan."
+%
+ A reader reports that when the patient died, the attending doctor
+recorded the following on the patient's chart: "Patient failed to fulfill
+his wellness potential."
+
+ Another doctor reports that in a recent issue of the *American Journal
+of Family Practice* fleas were called "hematophagous arthropod vectors."
+
+ A reader reports that the Army calls them "vertically deployed anti-
+personnel devices." You probably call them bombs.
+
+ At McClellan Air Force base in Sacramento, California, civilian
+mechanics were placed on "non-duty, non-pay status." That is, they were fired.
+
+ After taking the trip of a lifetime, our reader sent his twelve rolls
+of film to Kodak for developing (or "processing," as Kodak likes to call it)
+only to receive the following notice: "We must report that during the handling
+of your twelve 35mm Kodachrome slide orders, the films were involved in an
+unusual laboratory experience." The use of the passive is a particularly nice
+touch, don't you think? Nobody did anything to the films; they just had a bad
+experience. Of course our reader can always go back to Tibet and take his
+pictures all over again, using the twelve replacement rolls Kodak so generously
+sent him.
+ -- Quarterly Review of Doublespeak (NCTE)
+%
+ A reverend wanted to telephone another reverend. He told the operator,
+"This is a parson to parson call."
+ A farmer with extremely prolific hens posted the following sign. "Free
+Chickens. Our Coop Runneth Over."
+ Two brothers, Mort and Bill, like to sail. While Bill has a great
+deal of experience, he certainly isn't the rigger Mort is.
+ Inheritance taxes are getting so out of line, that the deceased family
+often doesn't have a legacy to stand on.
+ The judge fined the jaywalker fifty dollars and told him if he was
+caught again, he would be thrown in jail. Fine today, cooler tomorrow.
+ A rock store eventually closed down; they were taking too much for
+granite.
+%
+ A Scotsman was strolling across High Street one day wearing his kilt.
+As he neared the far curb, he noticed two young blondes in a red convertible
+eyeing him and giggling. One of them called out, "Hey, Scotty! What's worn
+under the kilt?"
+ He strolled over to the side of the car and asked, "Ach, lass, are you
+SURE you want to know?" Somewhat nervously, the blonde replied yes, she did
+really want to know.
+ The Scotsman leaned closer and confided, "Why, lass, nothing's worn
+under the kilt, everything's in perfect workin' order!"
+%
+ A sheet of paper crossed my desk the other day and as I read it,
+realization of a basic truth came over me. So simple! So obvious we couldn't
+see it. John Knivlen, Chairman of Polamar Repeater Club, an amateur radio
+group, had discovered how IC circuits work. He says that smoke is the thing
+that makes ICs work because every time you let the smoke out of an IC circuit,
+it stops working. He claims to have verified this with thorough testing.
+ I was flabbergasted! Of course! Smoke makes all things electrical
+work. Remember the last time smoke escaped from your Lucas voltage regulator
+Didn't it quit working? I sat and smiled like an idiot as more of the truth
+dawned. It's the wiring harness that carries the smoke from one device to
+another in your Mini, MG or Jag. And when the harness springs a leak, it lets
+the smoke out of everything at once, and then nothing works. The starter motor
+requires large quantities of smoke to operate properly, and that's why the wire
+going to it is so large.
+ Feeling very smug, I continued to expand my hypothesis. Why are Lucas
+electronics more likely to leak than say Bosch? Hmmm... Aha!!! Lucas is
+British, and all things British leak! British convertible tops leak water,
+British engines leak oil, British displacer units leak hydrostatic fluid, and
+I might add British tires leak air, and the British defense unit leaks
+secrets... so naturally British electronics leak smoke.
+ -- Jack Banton, PCC Automotive Electrical School
+%
+ A shy teenage boy finally worked up the nerve to give a gift to
+Madonna, a young puppy. It hitched its waggin' to a star.
+ A girl spent a couple hours on the phone talking to her two best
+friends, Maureen Jones, and Maureen Brown. When asked by her father why she
+had been on the phone so long, she responded "I heard a funny story today
+and I've been telling it to the Maureens."
+ Three actors, Tom, Fred, and Cec, wanted to do the jousting scene
+from Don Quixote for a local TV show. "I'll play the title role," proposed
+Tom. "Fred can portray Sancho Panza, and Cecil B. De Mille."
+%
+ A woman was married to a golfer. One day she asked, "If I were
+to die, would you remarry?"
+ After some thought, the man replied, "Yes, I've been very happy in
+this marriage and I would want to be this happy again."
+ The wife asked, "Would you give your new wife my car?"
+ "Yes," he replied. "That's a good car and it runs well."
+ "Well, would you live in this house?"
+ "Yes, it is a lovely house and you have decorated it beautifully.
+I've always loved it here."
+ "Well, would you give her my golf clubs?"
+ "No."
+ "Why not?"
+ "She's left handed."
+%
+ A young honeymoon couple were touring southern Florida and happened
+to stop at one of the rattlesnake farms along the road. After seeing the
+sights, they engaged in small talk with the man that handled the snakes.
+"Gosh!" exclaimed the new bride. "You certainly have a dangerous job.
+Don't you ever get bitten by the snakes?"
+ "Yes, upon rare occasions," answered the handler.
+ "Well," she continued, "just what do you do when you're bitten by
+a snake?"
+ "I always carry a razor-sharp knife in my pocket, and as soon as I
+am bitten, I make deep criss-cross marks across the fang entry and then
+suck the poison from the wound."
+ "What, uh... what would happen if you were to accidentally *sit* on
+a rattler?" persisted the woman.
+ "Ma'am," answered the snake handler, "that will be the day I learn
+who my real friends are."
+%
+ A young married couple had their first child. Their original pride
+and joy slowly turned to concern however, for after a couple of years the
+child had never uttered any form of speech. They hired the best speech
+therapists, doctors, psychiatrists, all to no avail. The child simply refused
+to speak. One morning when the child was five, while the husband was reading
+the paper, and the wife was feeding the dog, the little kid looks up from
+his bowl and said, "My cereal's cold."
+ The couple is stunned. The man, in tears, confronts his son. "Son,
+after all these years, why have you waited so long to say something?".
+ Shrugs the kid, "Everything's been okay 'til now".
+%
+ ACHTUNG!!!
+Das machine is nicht fur gefingerpoken und mittengrabben. Ist easy
+schnappen der springenwerk, blowenfusen und corkenpoppen mit
+spitzensparken. Ist nicht fur gewerken by das dummkopfen. Das
+rubbernecken sightseeren keepen hands in das pockets. Relaxen und
+vatch das blinkenlights!!!
+%
+ After sifting through the overwritten remaining blocks of Luke's home
+directory, Luke and PDP-1 sped away from /u/lars, across the surface of the
+Winchester riding Luke's flying read/write head. PDP-1 had Luke stop at the
+edge of the cylinder overlooking /usr/spool/uucp.
+ "Unix-to-Unix Copy Program;" said PDP-1. "You will never find a more
+wretched hive of bugs and flamers. We must be cautious."
+ -- DECWARS
+%
+ After the Children of Israel had wandered for thirty-nine years in
+ the wilderness, Ferdinand Feghoot arrived to make sure that they
+would finally find and enter the Promised Land. With him, he brought his
+favorite robot, faithful old Yewtoo Artoo, to carry his gear and do assorted
+camp chores.
+ The Israelites soon got over their initial fear of the robot and,
+ as the months passed, became very fond of him. Patriarchs took to
+discussing abstruse theological problems with him, and each evening the
+children all gathered to hear the many stories with which he was programmed.
+Therefore it came as a great shock to them when, just as their journey was
+ending, he abruptly wore out. Even Feghoot couldn't console them.
+ "It may be true, Ferdinand Feghoot," said Moses, "that our friend
+Yewtoo Artoo was soulless, but we cannot believe it. He must be properly
+interred. We cannot embalm him as do the Egyptians. Nor have we wood for
+a coffin. But I do have a most splendid skin from one of Pharoah's own
+cattle. We shall bury him in it."
+ Feghoot agreed. "Yes, let this be his last rusting place." "Rusting?"
+ Moses cried. "Not in this dreadful dry desert!"
+ "Ah!" sighed Ferdinand Feghoot, shedding a tear, "I fear you do not
+realize the full significance of Pharoah's oxhide!"
+ -- Grendel Briarton "Through Time & Space With Ferdinand
+ Feghoot!"
+%
+ After watching an extremely attractive maternity-ward patient
+earnestly thumbing her way through a telephone directory for several
+minutes, a hospital orderly finally asked if he could be of some help.
+ "No, thanks," smiled the young mother, "I'm just looking for a
+name for my baby."
+ "But the hospital supplies a special booklet that lists hundreds
+of first names and their meanings," said the orderly.
+ "That won't help," said the woman, "my baby already has a first
+name."
+%
+ All that you touch, And all you create,
+ All that you see, And all you destroy,
+ All that you taste, All that you do,
+ All you feel, And all you say,
+ And all that you love, All that you eat,
+ And all that you hate, And everyone you meet,
+ All you distrust, All that you slight,
+ All you save, And everyone you fight,
+ And all that you give, And all that is now,
+ And all that you deal, And all that is gone,
+ All that you buy, And all that's to come,
+ Beg, borrow or steal, And everything under the sun is
+ in tune,
+ But the sun is eclipsed
+ By the moon.
+
+There is no dark side of the moon... really... matter of fact it's all dark.
+ -- Pink Floyd, "Dark Side of the Moon"
+%
+ America, Russia and Japan are sending up a two year shuttle mission
+with one astronaut from each country. Since it's going to be two long, lonely
+years up there, each may bring any form of entertainment weighing 150 pounds
+or less. The American approaches the NASA board and asks to take his 125 lb.
+wife. They approve.
+ The Japanese astronaut says, "I've always wanted to learn Latin. I
+want 100 lbs. of textbooks." The NASA board approves. The Russian astronaut
+thinks for a second and says, "Two years... all right, I want 150 pounds of
+the best Cuban cigars ever made." Again, NASA okays it.
+ Two years later, the shuttle lands and everyone is gathered outside
+to welcome back the astronauts. Well, it's obvious what the American's been
+up to, he and his wife are each holding an infant. The crowd cheers. The
+Japanese astronaut steps out and makes a 10 minute speech in absolutely
+perfect Latin. The crowd doesn't understand a word of it, but they're
+impressed and they cheer again. The Russian astronaut stomps out, clenches
+the podium until his knuckles turn white, glares at the first row and
+screams: "Anybody got a match?"
+%
+ An architect's first work is apt to be spare and clean. He
+ knows he doesn't know what he's doing, so he does it carefully
+and with great restraint.
+ As he designs the first work, frill after frill and
+ embellishment after embellishment occur to him. These get
+stored away to be used "next time." Sooner or later the first system
+is finished, and the architect, with firm confidence and a demonstrated
+mastery of that class of systems, is ready to build a second system.
+ This second is the most dangerous system a man ever designs.
+When he does his third and later ones, his prior experiences will
+confirm each other as to the general characteristics of such systems,
+and their differences will identify those parts of his experience that
+are particular and not generalizable.
+ The general tendency is to over-design the second system, using
+all the ideas and frills that were cautiously sidetracked on the first
+one. The result, as Ovid says, is a "big pile."
+ -- Frederick Brooks, "The Mythical Man Month"
+%
+ An architect's first work is apt to be spare and clean. He knows
+he doesn't know what he's doing, so he does it carefully and with great
+restraint.
+ As he designs the first work, frill after frill and embellishment
+after embellishment occur to him. These get stored away to be used "next
+time". Sooner or later the first system is finished, and the architect,
+with firm confidence and a demonstrated mastery of that class of systems,
+is ready to build a second system.
+ This second is the most dangerous system a man ever designs. When
+he does his third and later ones, his prior experiences will confirm each
+other as to the general characteristics of such systems, and their differences
+will identify those parts of his experience that are particular and not
+generalizable.
+ The general tendency is to over-design the second system, using all
+the ideas and frills that were cautiously sidetracked on the first one.
+The result, as Ovid says, is a "big pile".
+%
+ An eighty-year-old woman is rocking away the afternoon on her
+porch when she sees an old, tarnished lamp sitting near the steps. She
+picks it up, rubs it gently, and lo and behold a genie appears! The genie
+tells the woman the he will grant her any three wishes her heart desires.
+ After a bit of thought, she says, "I wish I were young and
+beautiful!" And POOF! In a cloud of smoke she becomes a young, beautiful,
+voluptuous woman.
+ After a little more thought, she says, "I would like to be rich
+for the rest of my life." And POOF! When the smoke clears, there are
+stacks and stacks of money lying on the porch.
+ The genie then says, "Now, madam, what is your final wish?"
+ "Well," says the woman, "I would like for you to transform my
+faithful old cat, whom I have loved dearly for fifteen years, into a young
+handsome prince!"
+ And with another billow of smoke the cat is changed into a tall,
+handsome, young man, with dark hair, dressed in a dashing uniform.
+ As they gaze at each other in adoration, the prince leans over to
+the woman and whispers into her ear, "Now, aren't you sorry you had me
+fixed?"
+%
+ An elderly man stands in line for hours at a Warsaw meat store (meat
+is severely rationed). When the butcher comes out at the end of the day and
+announces that there is no meat left, the man flies into a rage.
+ "What is this?" he shouts. "I fought against the Nazis, I worked hard
+all my life, I've been a loyal citizen, and now you tell me I can't even buy a
+piece of meat? This rotten system stinks!"
+ Suddenly a thuggish man in a black leather coat sidles up and murmurs
+"Take it easy, comrade. Remember what would have happened if you had made an
+outburst like that only a few years ago" -- and he points an imaginary gun to
+this head and pulls the trigger.
+ The old man goes home, and his wife says, "So they're out of meat
+again?"
+ "It's worse than that," he replies. "They're out of bullets."
+ -- making the rounds in Warsaw, 1987
+%
+ An Englishman, a Frenchman and an American are captured by cannibals.
+The leader of the tribe comes up to them and says, "Even though you are about
+to killed, your deaths will not be in vain. Every part of your body will be
+used. Your flesh will be eaten, for my people are hungry. Your hair will be
+woven into clothing, for my people are naked. Your bones will be ground up
+and made into medicine, for my people are sick. Your skin will be stretched
+over canoe frames, for my people need transportation. We are a fair people,
+and we offer you a chance to kill yourself with our ceremonial knife."
+ The Englishman accepts the knife and yells, "God Save the Queen",
+while plunging the knife into his heart.
+ The Frenchman removes the knife from the fallen body, and yells,
+"Vive la France", while plunging the knife into his heart.
+ The American removes the knife from the fallen body, and yells,
+while stabbing himself all over his body, "Here's your lousy canoe!"
+%
+ An older student came to Otis and said, "I have been to see a
+great number of teachers and I have given up a great number of pleasures.
+I have fasted, been celibate and stayed awake nights seeking enlightenment.
+I have given up everything I was asked to give up and I have suffered, but
+I have not been enlightened. What should I do?"
+ Otis replied, "Give up suffering."
+ -- Camden Benares, "Zen Without Zen Masters"
+%
+ And St. Attila raised the hand grenade up on high saying "O Lord
+bless this thy hand grenade that with it thou mayest blow thine enemies
+to tiny bits, in thy mercy" and the Lord did grin and the people did feast
+upon the lambs and sloths and carp and anchovies and orang-utangs and
+breakfast cereals and fruit bats and...
+ (skip a bit brother...)
+ Er ... oh, yes ... and the Lord spake, saying "First shalt thou
+take out the Holy Pin, then shalt thou count to three, no more, no less.
+Three shall be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the count
+shall be three. Four shalt thou not count neither count thou two, excepting
+that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out. Once the number
+three, being the third number, be reached then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand
+Grenade of Antioch towards thy foe, who being naught in my sight, shall
+snuff it.
+ -- Monty Python, "The Book of Armaments"
+%
+ "And what will you do when you grow up to be as big as me?"
+asked the father of his little son.
+ "Diet."
+%
+ "Anything else, sir?" asked the attentive bellhop, trying his best
+to make the lady and gentleman comfortable in their penthouse suite in the
+posh hotel.
+ "No. No, thank you," replied the gentleman.
+ "Anything for your wife, sir?" the bellhop asked.
+ "Why, yes, young man," said the gentleman. "Would you bring me
+a postcard?"
+%
+ "Anything else you wish to draw to my attention, Mr. Holmes ?"
+ "The curious incident of the stable dog in the nighttime."
+ "But the dog did nothing in the nighttime."
+ "That was the curious incident."
+ -- Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, "Silver Blaze"
+%
+ Approaching the gates of the monastery, Hakuin found Ken the Zen
+preaching to a group of disciples.
+ "Words..." Ken orated, "they are but an illusory veil obfuscating
+the absolute reality of --"
+ "Ken!" Hakuin interrupted. "Your fly is down!"
+ Whereupon the Clear Light of Illumination exploded upon Ken, and he
+vaporized.
+ On the way to town, Hakuin was greeted by an itinerant monk imbued
+with the spirit of the morning.
+ "Ah," the monk sighed, a beatific smile wrinkling across his cheeks,
+"Thou art That..."
+ "Ah," Hakuin replied, pointing excitedly, "And Thou art Fat!"
+ Whereupon the Clear Light of Illumination exploded upon the monk,
+and he vaporized.
+ Next, the Governor sought the advice of Hakuin, crying: "As our
+enemies bear down upon us, how shall I, with such heartless and callow
+soldiers as I am heir to, hope to withstand the impending onslaught?"
+ "US?" snapped Hakuin.
+ Whereupon the Clear Light of Illumination exploded upon the
+Governor, and he vaporized.
+ Then, a redneck went up to Hakuin and vaporized the old Master with
+his shotgun. "Ha! Beat ya' to the punchline, ya' scrawny li'l geek!"
+%
+ As a general rule of thumb, never trust anybody who's been in therapy
+for more than 15 percent of their life span. The words "I am sorry" and "I
+am wrong" will have totally disappeared from their vocabulary. They will stab
+you, shoot you, break things in your apartment, say horrible things to your
+friends and family, and then justify this abhorrent behavior by saying:
+ "Sure, I put your dog in the microwave. But I feel *better*
+for doing it."
+ -- Bruce Feirstein, "Nice Guys Sleep Alone"
+%
+ At a recent meeting in Snowmass, Colorado, a participant from
+Los Angeles fainted from hyperoxygenation, and we had to hold his head
+under the exhaust of a bus until he revived.
+%
+ Before he became a hermit, Zarathud was a young Priest, and
+ took great delight in making fools of his opponents in front of
+his followers.
+ One day Zarathud took his students to a pleasant pasture and
+there he confronted The Sacred Chao while She was contentedly grazing.
+ "Tell me, you dumb beast," demanded the Priest in his
+commanding voice, "why don't you do something worthwhile? What is your
+Purpose in Life, anyway?"
+ Munching the tasty grass, The Sacred Chao replied "MU". (The
+Chinese ideogram for NO-THING.)
+ Upon hearing this, absolutely nobody was enlightened.
+ Primarily because nobody understood Chinese.
+ -- Camden Benares, "Zen Without Zen Masters"
+%
+ better !pout !cry
+ better watchout
+ lpr why
+ santa claus < north pole > town
+
+ cat /etc/passwd > list
+ ncheck list
+ ncheck list
+ cat list | grep naughty > nogiftlist
+ cat list | grep nice > giftlist
+ santa claus < north pole > town
+
+ who | grep sleeping
+ who | grep awake
+ who | grep bad || good
+ for (goodness sake) {
+ be good
+ }
+%
+ Brian Kernighan has an automobile which he helped design.
+Unlike most automobiles, it has neither speedometer, nor gas gauge, nor
+any of the numerous idiot lights which plague the modern driver.
+Rather, if the driver makes any mistake, a giant "?" lights up in the
+center of the dashboard. "The experienced driver", he says, "will
+usually know what's wrong."
+%
+ Bubba, Jim Bob, and Leroy were fishing out on the lake last November,
+and, when Bubba tipped his head back to empty the Jim Beam, he fell out of the
+boat into the lake. Jim Bob and Leroy pulled him back in, but as Bubba didn't
+look too good, they started up the Evinrude and headed back to the pier.
+ By the time they got there, Bubba was turning kind of blue, and his
+teeth were chattering like all get out. Jim Bob said, "Leroy, go run up to
+the pickup and get Doc Pritchard on the CB, and ask him what we should do".
+ Doc Pritchard, after hearing a description of the case, said "Now,
+Leroy, listen closely. Bubba is in great danger. He has hy-po-thermia. Now
+what you need to do is get all them wet clothes off of Bubba, and take your
+clothes off, and pile your clothes and jackets on top of him. Then you all
+get under that pile, and hug up to Bubba real close so that you warm him up.
+You understand me Leroy? You gotta warm Bubba up, or he'll die."
+ Leroy and the Doc 10-4'ed each other, and Leroy came back to the
+pier. "Wh-Wh-What'd th-th-the d-d-doc s-s-say L-L-Leroy?", Bubba chattered.
+ "Bubba, Doc says you're gonna die."
+%
+ By the middle 1880's, practically all the roads except those in
+the South, were of the present standard gauge. The southern roads were
+still five feet between rails.
+ It was decided to change the gauge of all southern roads to standard,
+in one day. This remarkable piece of work was carried out on a Sunday in May
+of 1886. For weeks beforehand, shops had been busy pressing wheels in on the
+axles to the new and narrower gauge, to have a supply of rolling stock which
+could run on the new track as soon as it was ready. Finally, on the day set,
+great numbers of gangs of track layers went to work at dawn. Everywhere one
+rail was loosened, moved in three and one-half inches, and spiked down in its
+new position. By dark, trains from anywhere in the United States could operate
+over the tracks in the South, and a free interchange of freight cars everywhere
+was possible.
+ -- Robert Henry, "Trains", 1957
+%
+ Carol's head ached as she trailed behind the unsmiling Calibrees
+along the block of booths. She chirruped at Kennicott, "Let's be wild!
+Let's ride on the merry-go-round and grab a gold ring!"
+ Kennicott considered it, and mumbled to Calibree, "Think you folks
+would like to stop and try a ride on the merry-go-round?"
+ Calibree considered it, and mumbled to his wife, "Think you'd like
+to stop and try a ride on the merry-go-round?"
+ Mrs. Calibree smiled in a washed-out manner, and sighed, "Oh no,
+I don't believe I care to much, but you folks go ahead and try it."
+ Calibree stated to Kennicott, "No, I don't believe we care to a
+whole lot, but you folks go ahead and try it."
+ Kennicott summarized the whole case against wildness: "Let's try
+it some other time, Carrie."
+ She gave it up.
+ -- Sinclair Lewis, "Main Street"
+%
+ Chapter VIII
+Due to the convergence of forces beyond his comprehension,
+Salvatore Quanucci was suddenly squirted out of the universe
+like a watermelon seed, and never heard from again.
+%
+ Concerning the war in Vietnam, Senator George Aiken of Vermount noted
+in January, 1966, "I'm not very keen for doves or hawks. I think we need more
+owls."
+ -- Bill Adler, "The Washington Wits"
+%
+ COONDOG MEMORY
+ (heard in Rutledge, Missouri, about eighteen years ago)
+
+Now, this dog is for sale, and she can not only follow a trail twice as
+old as the average dog can, but she's got a pretty good memory to boot.
+For instance, last week this old boy who lives down the road from me, and
+is forever stinkmouthing my hounds, brought some city fellow around to
+try out ol' Sis here. So I turned her out south of the house and she made
+two or three big swings back and forth across the edge of the woods, set
+back her head, bayed a couple of times, cut straight through the woods,
+come to a little clearing, jumped about three foot straight up in the air,
+run to the other side, and commenced to letting out a racket like she had
+something treed. We went over there with our flashlights and shone them
+up in the tree but couldn't catch no shine offa coon's eyes, and my
+neighbor sorta indicated that ol' Sis might be a little crazy, `cause she
+stood right to the tree and kept singing up into it. So I pulled off my
+coat and climbed up into the branches, and sure enough, there was a coon
+skeleton wedged in between a couple of branches about twenty foot up.
+Now as I was saying, she can follow a pretty old trail, but this fellow
+was still calling her crazy or touched `cause she had hopped up in the
+air while she was crossing the clearing, until I reminded him that the
+Hawkins' had a fence across there about five years back. Now, this dog
+is for sale.
+ -- News that stayed News: Ten Years of Coevolution Quarterly
+%
+ Cosmotronic Software Unlimited Inc. does not warrant that the
+functions contained in the program will meet your requirements or that
+the operation of the program will be uninterrupted or error-free.
+ However, Cosmotronic Software Unlimited Inc. warrants the
+diskette(s) on which the program is furnished to be of black color and
+square shape under normal use for a period of ninety (90) days from the
+date of purchase.
+ NOTE: IN NO EVENT WILL COSMOTRONIC SOFTWARE UNLIMITED OR ITS
+DISTRIBUTORS AND THEIR DEALERS BE LIABLE TO YOU FOR ANY DAMAGES, INCLUDING
+ANY LOST PROFIT, LOST SAVINGS, LOST PATIENCE OR OTHER INCIDENTAL OR
+CONSEQUENTIAL DAMAGES.
+ -- Horstmann Software Design, the "ChiWriter" user manual
+%
+ Dallas Cowboys Official Schedule
+
+ Sept 14 Pasadena Junior High
+ Sept 21 Boy Scout Troop 049
+ Sept 28 Blind Academy
+ Sept 30 World War I Veterans
+ Oct 5 Brownie Scout Troop 041
+ Oct 12 Sugarcreek High Cheerleaders
+ Oct 26 St. Thomas Boys Choir
+ Nov 2 Texas City Vet Clinic
+ Nov 9 Korean War Amputees
+ Nov 15 VA Hospital Polio Patients
+%
+ "Darling," he breathed, "after making love I doubt if I'll
+be able to get over you -- so would you mind answering the phone?"
+%
+ "Darling," she whispered, "will you still love me after we are
+married?"
+ He considered this for a moment and then replied, "I think so.
+I've always been especially fond of married women."
+%
+ Deck us all with Boston Charlie,
+ Walla Walla, Wash., an' Kalamazoo!
+ Nora's freezin' on the trolley,
+ Swaller dollar cauliflower, alleygaroo!
+
+ Don't we know archaic barrel,
+ Lullaby Lilla Boy, Louisville Lou.
+ Trolley Molly don't love Harold,
+ Boola boola Pensacoola hullabaloo!
+ -- Pogo, "Deck Us All With Boston Charlie"
+%
+ Does anyone know how to get chocolate syrup and honey out of a
+white electric blanket? I'm afraid to wash it in the machine.
+
+Thanks, Kathy. (front desk, x17)
+
+p.s. Also, anyone ever used Noxema on friction burns?
+ Or is Vaseline better?
+%
+ "Don't come back until you have him", the Tick-Tock Man said quietly,
+sincerely, extremely dangerously.
+ They used dogs. They used probes. They used cardio plate crossoffs.
+They used teepers. They used bribery. They used stick tites. They used
+intimidation. They used torment. They used torture. They used finks.
+They used cops. They used search and seizure. They used fallaron. They
+used betterment incentives. They used finger prints. They used the
+bertillion system. They used cunning. They used guile. They used treachery.
+They used Raoul-Mitgong but he wasn't much help. They used applied physics.
+They used techniques of criminology. And what the hell, they caught him.
+ -- Harlan Ellison, "Repent, Harlequin, said the Tick-Tock Man"
+%
+ Dr. Oliver Wendell Holmes of Harvard Medical School inhaled ether
+at a time when it was popularly supposed to produce such mystical or
+"mind-expanding" experiences, much as LSD is supposed to produce such
+experiences today. Here is his account of what happened:
+ "I once inhaled a pretty full dose of ether, with the determination
+to put on record, at the earliest moment of regaining consciousness, the
+thought I should find uppermost in my mind. The mighty music of the triumphal
+march into nothingness reverberated through my brain, and filled me with a
+sense of infinite possibilities, which made me an archangel for a moment.
+The veil of eternity was lifted. The one great truth which underlies all
+human experience and is the key to all the mysteries that philosophy has
+sought in vain to solve, flashed upon me in a sudden revelation. Henceforth
+all was clear: a few words had lifted my intelligence to the level of the
+knowledge of the cherubim. As my natural condition returned, I remembered
+my resolution; and, staggering to my desk, I wrote, in ill-shaped, straggling
+characters, the all-embracing truth still glimmering in my consciousness.
+The words were these (children may smile; the wise will ponder):
+`A strong smell of turpentine prevails throughout.'"
+ -- The Consumers Union Report: Licit & Illicit Drugs
+%
+ During a fight, a husband threw a bowl of Jello at his wife. She had
+him arrested for carrying a congealed weapon.
+ In another fight, the wife decked him with a heavy glass pitcher.
+She's a women who conks to stupor.
+ Upon reading a story about a man who throttled his mother-in-law, a
+man commented, "Sounds to me like a practical choker."
+ It's not the inital skirt length, it's the upcreep.
+ It's the theory of Jess Birnbaum, of Time magazine, that women with
+bad legs should stick to long skirts because they cover a multitude of shins.
+%
+ During a grouse hunt in North Carolina two intrepid sportsmen were
+blasting away at a clump of trees near a stone wall. Suddenly a red-face
+country squire popped his head over the wall and shouted, "Hey, you almost
+hit my wife."
+ "Did I?" cried one hunter, aghast. "Terribly sorry. Have a shot
+at mine, over there."
+%
+ Eugene d'Albert, a noted German composer, was married six times.
+At an evening reception which he attended with his fifth wife shortly
+after their wedding, he presented the lady to a friend who said politely,
+"Congratulations, Herr d'Albert; you have rarely introduced me to so
+charming a wife."
+%
+ Everthing is farther away than it used to be. It is even twice as
+far to the corner and they have added a hill. I have given up running for
+the bus; it leaves earlier than it used to.
+ It seems to me they are making the stairs steeper than in the old
+days. And have you noticed the smaller print they use in the newspapers?
+ There is no sense in asking anyone to read aloud anymore, as everybody
+speaks in such a low voice I can hardly hear them.
+ The material in dresses is so skimpy now, especially around the hips
+and waist, that it is almost impossible to reach one's shoelaces. And the
+sizes don't run the way they used to. The 12's and 14's are so much smaller.
+ Even people are changing. They are so much younger than they used to
+be when I was their age. On the other hand people my age are so much older
+than I am.
+ I ran into an old classmate the other day and she has aged so much
+that she didn't recognize me.
+ I got to thinking about the poor dear while I was combing my hair
+this morning and in so doing I glanced at my own reflection. Really now,
+they don't even make good mirrors like they used to.
+ Sandy Frazier, "I Have Noticed"
+%
+ Excellence is THE trend of the '80s. Walk into any shopping
+mall bookstore, go to the rack where they keep the best-sellers such as
+"Garfield Gets Spayed", and you'll see a half-dozen books telling you
+how to be excellent: "In Search of Excellence", "Finding Excellence",
+"Grasping Hold of Excellence", "Where to Hide Your Excellence at Night
+So the Cleaning Personnel Don't Steal It", etc.
+ -- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence"
+%
+ Exxon's 'Universe of Energy' tends to the peculiar rather than the
+humorous ... After [an incomprehensible film montage about wind and sun and
+rain and strip mines and] two or three minutes of mechanical confusion, the
+seats locomote through a short tunnel filled with clock-work dinosaurs.
+The dinosaurs are depicted without accuracy and too close to your face.
+ "One of the few real novelties at Epcot is the use of smell to
+aggravate illusions. Of course, no one knows what dinosaurs smelled like,
+but Exxon has decided they smelled bad.
+ "At the other end of Dino Ditch ... there's a final, very addled
+message about facing challengehood tomorrow-wise. I dozed off during this,
+but the import seems to be that dinosaurs don't have anything to do with
+energy policy and neither do you."
+ -- P.J. O'Rourke, "Holidays in Hell"
+%
+ For example, in Year 1 that useless letter 'c' would be dropped to be
+replased either by 'k' or 's', and likewise 'x' would no longer be part of the
+alphabet. The only kase in which 'c' would be retained would be the 'ch'
+formation, which will be dealt with later. Year 2 might reform 'w' spelling,
+so that 'which' and 'one' would take the same konsonant, wile Year 3 might
+well abolish 'y' replasing it with 'i' and Iear 4 might fiks the 'g-j'
+anomali wonse and for all.
+ Jenerally, then, the improvement would kontinue iear bai iear with
+Iear 5 doing awai with useless double konsonants, and Iears 6-12 or so
+modifaiing vowlz and the rimeining voist and unvoist konsonants. Bai
+Iear 15 or sou, it wud fainali bi posibl tu meik ius ov thi ridandant letez
+'c', 'y' and 'x' - bai now jast a memori in the maindz ov ould doderez - tu
+riplais 'ch', 'sh', and 'th' rispektivli.
+ Fainali, xen, aafte sam 20 iers ov orxogrefkl riform, wi wud hev a
+lojikl, kohirnt speling in ius xrewawt xe Ingliy-spiking werld.
+%
+ "Found it," the Mouse replied rather crossly:
+"of course you know what 'it' means."
+
+ "I know what 'it' means well enough, when I find a thing,"
+said the Duck: "it's generally a frog or a worm.
+
+The question is, what did the archbishop find?"
+%
+ Four Oxford dons were taking their evening walk together and as
+usual, were engaged in casual but learned conversation. On this particular
+evening, their conversation was about the names given to groups of animals,
+such as a "pride of lions" or a "gaggle of geese."
+ One of the professors noticed a group of prostitutes down the block,
+and posed the question, "What name would be given to that group?" The four
+fell into silence for a moment, as they pondered the possibilities...
+ At last, one spoke: "How about 'a Jam of Tarts'?" The others nodded
+in acknowledgement as they continued to consider the problem. A second
+professor spoke: "I'd suggest 'an Essay of Trollops.'" Again, the others
+nodded. A third spoke: "I propose 'a Flourish of Strumpets.'"
+ They continued their walk in silence, until the first professor
+remarked to the remaining professor, who was the most senior and learned of
+the four, "You haven't suggested a name for our ladies. What are your
+thoughts?"
+ Replied the fourth professor, "'An Anthology of Prose.'"
+%
+ Fred noticed his roommate had a black eye upon returning from a dance.
+"What happened?" "I was struck by the beauty of the place."
+ A pushy romeo asked a gorgeous elevator operator, "Don't all these
+stops and starts get you pretty worn out?" "It isn't the stops and starts
+that get on my nerves, it's the jerks."
+ An airplane pilot got engaged to two very pretty women at the same
+time. One was named Edith; the other named Kate. They met, discovered they
+had the same fiancee, and told him. "Get out of our lives you rascal. We'll
+teach you that you can't have your Kate and Edith, too."
+ A domineering man married a mere wisp of a girl. He came back from
+his honeymoon a chastened man. He'd become aware of the will of the wisp.
+ A young husband with an inferiority complex insisted he was just a
+little pebble on the beach. The marriage counselor told him, "If you wish to
+save your marriage, you'd better be a little boulder."
+%
+ Friends were surprised, indeed, when Frank and Jennifer broke their
+engagement, but Frank had a ready explanation: "Would you marry someone who
+was habitually unfaithful, who lied at every turn, who was selfish and lazy
+and sarcastic?"
+ "Of course not," said a sympathetic friend.
+ "Well," retorted Frank, "neither would Jennifer."
+%
+ "Gee, Mudhead, everyone at Morse Science High has an
+extracurricular activity except you."
+ "Well, gee, doesn't Louise count?"
+ "Only to ten, Mudhead."
+%
+ "Gentlemen of the jury," said the defense attorney, now beginning
+to warm to his summation, "the real question here before you is, shall this
+beautiful young woman be forced to languish away her loveliest years in a
+dark prison cell? Or shall she be set free to return to her cozy little
+apartment at 4134 Mountain Ave. -- there to spend her lonely, loveless hours
+in her boudoir, lying beside her little Princess phone, 962-7873?"
+%
+ God decided to take the devil to court and settle their
+differences once and for all.
+ When Satan heard of this, he grinned and said, "And just
+where do you think you're going to find a lawyer?"
+%
+ Graduating seniors, parents and friends...
+ Let me begin by reassuring you that my remarks today will stand up
+to the most stringent requirements of the new appropriateness.
+ The intra-college sensitivity advisory committee has vetted the
+text of even trace amounts of subconscious racism, sexism and classism.
+ Moreover, a faculty panel of deconstructionists have reconfigured
+the rhetorical components within a post-structuralist framework, so as to
+expunge any offensive elements of western rationalism and linear logic.
+ Finally, all references flowing from a white, male, eurocentric
+perspective have been eliminated, as have any other ruminations deemed
+denigrating to the political consensus of the moment.
+
+ Thank you and good luck.
+ -- Doonesbury, the University Chancellor's graduation speech.
+%
+ Hack placidly amidst the noisy printers and remember what prizes there
+may be in Science. As fast as possible get a good terminal on a good system.
+Enter your data clearly but always encrypt your results. And listen to others,
+even the dull and ignorant, for they may be your customers. Avoid loud and
+aggressive persons, for they are sales reps.
+ If you compare your outputs with those of others, you may be surprised,
+for always there will be greater and lesser numbers than you have crunched.
+Keep others interested in your career, and try not to fumble; it can be a real
+hassle and could change your fortunes in time.
+ Exercise system control in your experiments, for the world is full of
+bugs. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive
+for linearity and everywhere papers are full of approximations. Strive for
+proportionality. Especially, do not faint when it occurs. Neither be cyclical
+about results; for in the face of all data analysis it is sure to be noticed.
+ Take with a grain of salt the anomalous data points. Gracefully pass
+them on to the youth at the next desk. Nurture some mutual funds to shield
+you in times of sudden layoffs. But do not distress yourself with imaginings
+-- the real bugs are enough to screw you badly. Murphy's Law runs the
+Universe -- and whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt <Curl>B*n dS = 0.
+ Therefore, grab for a piece of the pie, with whatever proposals you
+can conceive of to try. With all the crashed disks, skewed data, and broken
+line printers, you can still have a beautiful secretary. Be linear. Strive
+to stay employed.
+ -- Technolorata, "Analog"
+%
+ "Haig, in congressional hearings before his confirmatory, paradoxed
+his audiencers by abnormaling his responds so that verbs were nouned, nouns
+verbed, and adjectives adverbised. He techniqued a new way to vocabulary his
+thoughts so as to informationally uncertain anybody listening about what he
+had actually implicationed.
+ "If that is how General Haig wants to nervous breakdown the Russian
+leadership, he may be shrewding his way to the biggest diplomatic invent
+since Clausewitz. Unless, that is, he schizophrenes his allies first."
+ -- The Guardian
+%
+ Hardware met Software on the road to Changtse. Software said: "You
+are the Yin and I am the Yang. If we travel together we will become famous
+and earn vast sums of money." And so the pair set forth together, thinking
+to conquer the world.
+ Presently, they met Firmware, who was dressed in tattered rags, and
+hobbled along propped on a thorny stick. Firmware said to them: "The Tao
+lies beyond Yin and Yang. It is silent and still as a pool of water. It does
+not seek fame, therefore nobody knows its presence. It does not seeks fortune,
+for it is complete within itself. It exists beyond space and time."
+ Software and Hardware, ashamed, returned to their homes.
+ -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
+%
+ Harry, a golfing enthusiast if there ever was one, arrived home
+from the club to an irate, ranting wife.
+ "I'm leaving you, Harry," his wife announced bitterly. "You
+promised me faithfully that you'd be back before six and here it is almost
+nine. It just can't take that long to play 18 holes of golf."
+ "Honey, wait," said Harry. "Let me explain. I know what I promised
+you, but I have a very good reason for being late. Fred and I tee'd off
+right on time and everything was find for the first three holes. Then, on
+the fourth tee Fred had a stroke. I ran back to the clubhouse but couldn't
+find a doctor. And, by the time I got back to Fred, he was dead. So, for
+the next 15 holes, it was hit the ball, drag Fred, hit the ball, drag Fred...
+%
+ Harry constantly irritated his friends with his eternal optimism.
+No matter how bad the situation, he would always say, "Well, it could have
+been worse."
+ To cure him of his annoying habit, his friends decided to invent a
+situation so completely black, so dreadful, that even Harry could find no
+hope in it. Approaching him at the club bar one day, one of them said,
+"Harry! Did you hear what happened to George? He came home last night,
+found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both, and then turned
+the gun on himself!"
+ "Terrible," said Harry. "But it could have been worse."
+ "How in hell," demanded his dumbfounded friend, "could it possibly
+have been worse?"
+ "Well," said Harry, "if it had happened the night before, I'd be
+dead right now."
+%
+ He had been bitten by a dog, but didn't give it much thought
+until he noticed that the wound was taking a remarkably long time to
+heal. Finally, he consulted a doctor who took one look at it and
+ordered the dog brought in. Just as he had suspected, the dog had
+rabies. Since it was too late to give the patient serum, the doctor
+felt he had to prepare him for the worst. The poor man sat down at the
+doctor's desk and began to write. His physician tried to comfort him.
+"Perhaps it won't be so bad," he said. "You needn't make out your will
+right now."
+ "I'm not making out any will," relied the man. "I'm just writing
+out a list of people I'm going to bite!"
+%
+ ...He who laughs does not believe in what he laughs at, but neither
+does he hate it. Therefore, laughing at evil means not preparing oneself to
+combat it, and laughing at good means denying the power through which good is
+self-propagating.
+ -- Umberto Eco, "The Name of the Rose"
+%
+ "Heard you were moving your piano, so I came over to help."
+ "Thanks. Got it upstairs already."
+ "Do it alone?"
+ "Nope. Hitched the cat to it."
+ "How would that help?"
+ "Used a whip."
+%
+ "Hello, Mrs. Premise!"
+ "Oh, hello, Mrs. Conclusion! Busy day?"
+ "Busy? I just spent four hours burying the cat."
+ "Four hours to bury a cat!?"
+ "Yes, he wouldn't keep still: wrigglin' about, 'owlin'..."
+ "Oh, it's not dead then."
+ "Oh no, no, but it's not at all a well cat, and as we're
+goin' away for a fortnight I thought I'd better bury it just to be
+on the safe side."
+ "Quite right. You don't want to come back from Sorrento
+to a dead cat, do you?"
+ -- Monty Python
+%
+ Here is the fact of the week, maybe even the fact of the month.
+According to probably reliable sources, the Coca-Cola people are experiencing
+severe marketing anxiety in China.
+ The words "Coca-Cola" translate into Chinese as either (depending
+on the inflection) "wax-fattened mare" or "bite the wax tadpole".
+ Bite the wax tadpole.
+ There is a sort of rough justice, is there not?
+ The trouble with this fact, as lovely as it is, is that it's hard
+to get a whole column out of it. I'd like to teach the world to bite a wax
+tadpole. Coke -- it's the real wax-fattened mare. Not bad, but broad
+satiric vistas do not open up.
+ -- John Carrol, The San Francisco Chronicle
+%
+ Here is the problem: for many years, the Supreme Court wrestled
+with the issue of pornography, until finally Associate Justice John
+Paul Stevens came up with the famous quotation about how he couldn't
+define pornography, but he knew it when he saw it. So for a while, the
+court's policy was to have all the suspected pornography trucked to
+Justice Stevens' house, where he would look it over. "Nope, this isn't
+it," he'd say. "Bring some more." This went on until one morning when
+his housekeeper found him trapped in the recreation room under an
+enormous mound of rubberized implements, and the court had to issue a
+ruling stating that it didn't know what the hell pornography was except
+that it was illegal and everybody should stop badgering the court about
+it because the court was going to take a nap.
+ -- Dave Barry, "Pornography"
+%
+ "How did you spend the weekend?" asked the pretty brunette secretary
+of her blonde companion.
+ "Fishing through the ice," she replied.
+ "Fishing through the ice? Whatever for?"
+ "Olives."
+%
+ "How many people work here?"
+ "Oh, about half."
+%
+ How many seconds are there in a year? If I tell you there are
+3.155 x 10^7, you won't even try to remember it. On the other hand, who
+could forget that, to within half a percent, pi seconds is a nanocentury.
+ -- Tom Duff, Bell Labs
+%
+ "How would I know if I believe in love at first sight?" the sexy
+social climber said to her roommate. "I mean, I've never seen a Porsche
+full of money before."
+%
+ "How'd you get that flat?"
+ "Ran over a bottle."
+ "Didn't you see it?"
+ "Damn kid had it under his coat."
+%
+ "I believe you have the wrong number," said the old gentleman into
+the phone. "You'll have to call the weather bureau for that information."
+ "Who was that?" his young wife asked.
+ "Some guy wanting to know if the coast was clear."
+%
+ "I cannot read the fiery letters," said Frito Bugger in a
+quavering voice.
+ "No," said GoodGulf, "but I can. The letters are Elvish, of
+course, of an ancient mode, but the language is that of Mordor, which
+I will not utter here. They are lines of a verse long known in
+Elven-lore:
+
+ "This Ring, no other, is made by the elves,
+ Who'd pawn their own mother to grab it themselves.
+ Ruler of creeper, mortal, and scallop,
+ This is a sleeper that packs quite a wallop.
+ The Power almighty rests in this Lone Ring.
+ The Power, alrighty, for doing your Own Thing.
+ If broken or busted, it cannot be remade.
+ If found, send to Sorhed (with postage prepaid)."
+ -- Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings"
+%
+ I did some heavy research so as to be prepared for "Mommy, why is
+the sky blue?"
+ HE asked me about black holes in space.
+ (There's a hole *where*?)
+
+ I boned up to be ready for, "Why is the grass green?"
+ HE wanted to discuss nature's food chains.
+ (Well, let's see, there's ShopRite, Pathmark...)
+
+ I talked about Choo-Choo trains.
+ HE talked internal combustion engines.
+ (The INTERNAL COMBUSTION ENGINE said, "I think I can, I think I can.")
+
+ I was delighted with the video game craze, thinking we could compete
+as equals.
+ HE described the complexities of the microchips required to create
+the graphics.
+
+ Then puberty struck. Ah, adolescence.
+ HE said, "Mom, I just don't understand women."
+ (Gotcha!)
+ -- Betty LiBrizzi, "The Care and Feeding of a Gifted Child"
+%
+ I disapprove of the F-word, not because it's dirty, but because we
+use it as a substitute for thoughtful insults, and it frequently leads to
+violence. What we ought to do, when we anger each other, say, in traffic,
+is exchange phone numbers, so that later on, when we've had time to think
+of witty and learned insults or look them up in the library, we could call
+each other up:
+ You: Hello? Bob?
+ Bob: Yes?
+ You: This is Ed. Remember? The person whose parking space you
+ took last Thursday? Outside of Sears?
+ Bob: Oh yes! Sure! How are you, Ed?
+ You: Fine, thanks. Listen, Bob, the reason I'm calling is:
+ "Madam, you may be drunk, but I am ugly, and ..." No, wait.
+ I mean: "you may be ugly, but I am Winston Churchill
+ and ..." No, wait. (Sound of reference book thudding onto
+ the floor.) S-word. Excuse me. Look, Bob, I'm going to
+ have to get back to you.
+ Bob: Fine.
+ -- Dave Barry
+%
+ "I don't know what you mean by 'glory'," Alice said.
+ Humpty Dumpty smiled contemptuously. "Of course you don't --
+till I tell you. I meant 'there's a nice knock-down argument for you!'"
+ "But glory doesn't mean 'a nice knock-down argument'," Alice
+objected.
+ "When I use a word," Humpty Dumpty said, in a rather scornful
+tone, "it means just what I choose it to mean -- neither more nor less."
+ "The question is," said Alice, "whether you can make words mean
+so many different things."
+ "The question is," said Humpty Dumpty, "which is to be master --
+that's all."
+%
+ I for one cannot protest the recent M.T.A. fare hike and the
+accompanying promises that this would in no way improve service. For
+the transit system, as it now operates, has hidden advantages that
+can't be measured in monetary terms.
+ Personally, I feel that it is well worth 75 cents or even $1 to
+have that unimpeachable excuse whenever I am late to anything: "I came
+by subway." Those four words have such magic in them that if Godot
+should someday show up and mumble them, any audience would instantly
+understand his long delay.
+%
+ "I have examined Bogota," he said, "and the case is clearer to me.
+I think very probably he might be cured."
+ "That is what I have always hoped," said old Yacob.
+ "His brain is affected," said the blind doctor.
+ The elders murmured assent.
+ "Now, what affects it?"
+ "Ah!" said old Yacob.
+ "This," said the doctor, answering his own question. "Those queer
+things that are called the eyes, and which exist to make an agreeable soft
+depression in the face, are diseased, in the case of Bogota, in such a way
+as to affect his brain. They are greatly distended, he has eyelashes, and
+his eyelids move, and consequently his brain is in a state of constant
+irritation and distraction."
+ "Yes?" said old Yacob. "Yes?"
+ "And I think I may say with reasonable certainty that, in order
+to cure him completely, all that we need do is a simple and easy surgical
+operation - namely, to remove those irritant bodies."
+ "And then he will be sane?"
+ "Then he will be perfectly sane, and a quite admirable citizen."
+ "Thank heaven for science!" said old Yacob.
+ -- H.G. Wells, "The Country of the Blind"
+%
+ I made it a rule to forbear all direct contradictions to the sentiments
+of others, and all positive assertion of my own. I even forbade myself the use
+of every word or expression in the language that imported a fixed opinion, such
+as "certainly", "undoubtedly", etc. I adopted instead of them "I conceive",
+"I apprehend", or "I imagine" a thing to be so or so; or "so it appears to me
+at present".
+ When another asserted something that I thought an error, I denied
+myself the pleasure of contradicting him abruptly, and of showing him
+immediately some absurdity in his proposition. In answering I began by
+observing that in certain cases or circumstances his opinion would be right,
+but in the present case there appeared or seemed to me some difference, etc.
+ I soon found the advantage of this change in my manner; the
+conversations I engaged in went on more pleasantly. The modest way in which I
+proposed my opinions procured them a readier reception and less contradiction.
+I had less mortification when I was found to be in the wrong, and I more easily
+prevailed with others to give up their mistakes and join with me when I
+happened to be in the right.
+ -- Autobiography of Benjamin Franklin
+%
+ I managed to say, "Sorry," and no more. I knew that he disliked
+me to cry.
+ This time he said, watching me, "On some occasions it is better
+to weep."
+ I put my head down on the table and sobbed, "If only she could come
+back; I would be nice."
+ Francis said, "You gave her great pleasure always."
+ "Oh, not enough."
+ "Nobody can give anybody enough."
+ "Not ever?"
+ "No, not ever. But one must go on trying."
+ "And doesn't one ever value people until they are gone?"
+ "Rarely," said Francis. I went on weeping; I saw how little I had
+valued him; how little I had valued anything that was mine.
+ -- Pamela Frankau, "The Duchess and the Smugs"
+%
+ I paid a visit to my local precinct in Greenwich Village and
+asked a sergeant to show me some rape statistics. He politely obliged.
+That month there had been thirty-five rape complaints, an advance of ten
+over the same month for the previous year. The precinct had made two
+arrests.
+ "Not a very impressive record," I offered.
+ "Don't worry about it," the sergeant assured me. "You know what
+these complaints represent?"
+ "What do they represent?" I asked.
+ "Prostitutes who didn't get their money," he said firmly,
+closing the book.
+ -- Susan Brownmiller, "Against Our Will"
+%
+ [I plan] to see, hear, touch, and destroy everything in my path,
+including beets, rutabagas, and most random vegetables, but excluding yams,
+as I am absolutely terrified of yams...
+ Actually, I think my fear of yams began in my early youth, when many
+of my young comrades pelted me with same for singing songs of far-off lands
+and deep blue seas in a language closely resembling that of the common sow.
+My psychosis was further impressed into my soul as I reached adolescence,
+when, while skipping through a field of yams, light-heartedly tossing flowers
+into the stratosphere, a great yam-picking machine tore through the fields,
+pursuing me to the edge of the great plantation, where I escaped by diving
+into a great ditch filled with a mixture of water and pig manure, which may
+explain my tendency to scream, "Here come the Martians! Hide the eggs!" every
+time I have pork. But I digress. The fact remains that I cannot rationally
+deal with yams, and pigs are terrible conversationalists.
+%
+ I went into a bar feeling a little depressed, the bartender said,
+"What'll you have, Bud"?
+ I said," I don't know, surprise me".
+ So he showed me a nude picture of my wife.
+ -- Rodney Dangerfield
+%
+ If I kiss you, that is an psychological interaction.
+ On the other hand, if I hit you over the head with a brick,
+that is also a psychological interaction.
+ The difference is that one is friendly and the other is not
+so friendly.
+ The crucial point is if you can tell which is which.
+ -- Dolph Sharp, "I'm O.K., You're Not So Hot"
+%
+ If the tao is great, then the operating system is great. If the
+operating system is great, then the compiler is great. If the compiler
+is great, then the application is great. If the application is great, then
+the user is pleased and there is harmony in the world.
+ The tao gave birth to machine language. Machine language gave birth
+to the assembler.
+ The assembler gave birth to the compiler. Now there are ten thousand
+languages.
+ Each language has its purpose, however humble. Each language
+expresses the yin and yang of software. Each language has its place within
+the tao.
+ But do not program in Cobol or Fortran if you can help it.
+%
+ If you do your best the rest of the way, that takes care of
+everything. When we get to October 2, we'll add up the wins, and then
+we'll either all go into the playoffs, or we'll all go home and play golf.
+ Both those things sound pretty good to me.
+ -- Sparky Anderson
+%
+ If you rap your knuckles against a window jamb or door, if you
+brush your leg against a bed or desk, if you catch your foot in a curled-
+up corner of a rug, or strike a toe against a desk or chair, go back and
+repeat the sequence.
+ You will find yourself surprised how far off course you were to
+hit that window jamb, that door, that chair. Get back on course and do it
+again. How can you pilot a spacecraft if you can't find your way around
+your own apartment?
+ -- William S. Burroughs
+%
+ "I'll tell you what I know, then," he decided. "The pin I'm wearing
+means I'm a member of the IA. That's Inamorati Anonymous. An inamorato is
+somebody in love. That's the worst addiction of all."
+ "Somebody is about to fall in love," Oedipa said, "you go sit with
+them, or something?"
+ "Right. The whole idea is to get where you don't need it. I was
+lucky. I kicked it young. But there are sixty-year-old men, believe it or
+not, and women even older, who might wake up in the night screaming."
+ "You hold meetings, then, like the AA?"
+ "No, of course not. You get a phone number, an answering service
+you can call. Nobody knows anybody else's name; just the number in case
+it gets so bad you can't handle it alone. We're isolates, Arnold. Meetings
+would destroy the whole point of it."
+ -- Thomas Pynchon, "The Crying of Lot 49"
+%
+ "I'm looking for adventure, excitement, beautiful women," cried the
+young man to his father as he prepared to leave home. "Don't try to stop me.
+I'm on my way."
+ "Who's trying to stop you?" shouted the father. "Take me along!"
+%
+ I'm sure that VMS is completely documented, I just haven't found the
+right manual yet. I've been working my way through the manuals in the document
+library and I'm half way through the second cabinet, (3 shelves to go), so I
+should find what I'm looking for by mid May. I hope I can remember what it
+was by the time I find it.
+ I had this idea for a new horror film, "VMS Manuals from Hell" or maybe
+"The Paper Chase : IBM vs. DEC". It's based on Hitchcock's "The Birds", except
+that it's centered around a programmer who is attacked by a swarm of binder
+pages with an index number and the single line "This page intentionally left
+blank."
+ -- Alex Crain
+%
+ In a forest a fox bumps into a little rabbit, and says, "Hi,
+Junior, what are you up to?"
+ "I'm writing a dissertation on how rabbits eat foxes," said the
+rabbit.
+ "Come now, friend rabbit, you know that's impossible! No one
+will publish such rubbish!"
+ "Well, follow me and I'll show you."
+ They both go into the rabbit's dwelling and after a while the
+rabbit emerges with a satisfied expression on his face. Comes along a
+wolf. "Hello, little buddy, what are we doing these days?"
+ "I'm writing the 2'nd chapter of my thesis, on how rabbits devour
+wolves."
+ "Are you crazy? Where's your academic honesty?"
+ "Come with me and I'll show you."
+ As before, the rabbit comes out with a satisfied look on his face
+and a diploma in his paw. Finally, the camera pans into the rabbit's cave
+and, as everybody should have guessed by now, we see a mean-looking, huge
+lion, sitting, picking his teeth and belching, next to some furry, bloody
+remnants of the wolf and the fox.
+
+ The moral: It's not the contents of your thesis that are
+important -- it's your PhD advisor that really counts.
+%
+ In "King Henry VI, Part II," Shakespeare has Dick Butcher suggest to
+his fellow anti-establishment rabble-rousers, "The first thing we do, let's
+kill all the lawyers." That action may be extreme but a similar sentiment
+was expressed by Thomas K. Connellan, president of The Management Group, Inc.
+Speaking to business executives in Chicago and quoted in Automotive News,
+Connellan attributed a measure of America's falling productivity to an excess
+of attorneys and accountants, and a dearth of production experts. Lawyers
+and accountants "do not make the economic pie any bigger; they only figure
+out how the pie gets divided. Neither profession provides any added value
+to product."
+ According to Connellan, the highly productive Japanese society has
+10 lawyers and 30 accountants per 100,000 population. The U.S. has 200
+lawyers and 700 accountants. This suggests that "the U.S. proportion of
+pie-bakers and pie-dividers is way out of whack." Could Dick Butcher have
+been an efficiency expert?
+ -- Motor Trend, May 1983
+%
+ In the beginning, God created the Earth and he said, "Let there be
+mud."
+ And there was mud.
+ And God said, "Let Us make living creatures out of mud, so the mud
+can see what we have done."
+ And God created every living creature that now moveth, and one was
+man. Mud-as-man alone could speak.
+ "What is the purpose of all this?" man asked politely.
+ "Everything must have a purpose?" asked God.
+ "Certainly," said man.
+ "Then I leave it to you to think of one for all of this," said God.
+ And He went away.
+ -- Kurt Vonnegut, Between Time and Timbuktu"
+%
+ In the beginning there was data. The data was without form and
+null, and darkness was upon the face of the console; and the Spirit of
+IBM was moving over the face of the market. And DEC said, "Let there
+be registers"; and there were registers. And DEC saw that they
+carried; and DEC separated the data from the instructions. DEC called
+the data Stack, and the instructions they called Code. And there was
+evening and there was morning, one interrupt.
+ -- Rico Tudor, "The Story of Creation or, The Myth of Urk"
+%
+ In the beginning there was only one kind of Mathematician, created by
+the Great Mathematical Spirit form the Book: the Topologist. And they grew to
+large numbers and prospered.
+ One day they looked up in the heavens and desired to reach up as far
+as the eye could see. So they set out in building a Mathematical edifice that
+was to reach up as far as "up" went. Further and further up they went ...
+until one night the edifice collapsed under the weight of paradox.
+ The following morning saw only rubble where there once was a huge
+structure reaching to the heavens. One by one, the Mathematicians climbed
+out from under the rubble. It was a miracle that nobody was killed; but when
+they began to speak to one another, SURPRISE of all surprises! they could not
+understand each other. They all spoke different languages. They all fought
+amongst themselves and each went about their own way. To this day the
+Topologists remain the original Mathematicians.
+ -- The Story of Babel
+%
+ In the beginning was the Tao. The Tao gave birth to Space and Time.
+Therefore, Space and Time are the Yin and Yang of programming.
+
+ Programmers that do not comprehend the Tao are always running out of
+time and space for their programs. Programmers that comprehend the Tao always
+have enough time and space to accomplish their goals.
+ How could it be otherwise?
+ -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
+%
+ In the days when Sussman was a novice Minsky once came to him as he
+sat hacking at the PDP-6.
+ "What are you doing?", asked Minsky.
+ "I am training a randomly wired neural net to play Tic-Tac-Toe."
+ "Why is the net wired randomly?", inquired Minsky.
+ "I do not want it to have any preconceptions of how to play".
+ At this Minsky shut his eyes, and Sussman asked his teacher "Why do
+you close your eyes?"
+ "So that the room will be empty."
+ At that moment, Sussman was enlightened.
+%
+ In the east there is a shark which is larger than all other fish. It
+changes into a bird whose winds are like clouds filling the sky. When this
+bird moves across the land, it brings a message from Corporate Headquarters.
+This message it drops into the midst of the programmers, like a seagull
+making its mark upon the beach. Then the bird mounts on the wind and, with
+the blue sky at its back, returns home.
+ The novice programmer stares in wonder at the bird, for he understands
+it not. The average programmer dreads the coming of the bird, for he fears
+its message. The master programmer continues to work at his terminal, for he
+does not know that the bird has come and gone.
+ -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
+%
+ In the morning, laughing, happy fish heads
+ In the evening, floating in the soup.
+(chorus):
+Fish heads, fish heads, roly-poly fish heads;
+Fish heads, fish heads, eat them up. Yum!
+ You can ask them anything you want to.
+ They won't answer; they can't talk.
+(chorus):
+ I took a fish head out to see a movie,
+ Didn't have to pay to get it in.
+(chorus):
+ They can't play baseball; they don't wear sweaters;
+ They aren't good dancers; they can't play drums.
+(chorus):
+ Roly-poly fish heads are NEVER seen drinking cappuccino in
+ Italian restaurants with Oriental women.
+(chorus):
+ Fishy!
+(chorus):
+ -- Fish Heads
+%
+ "In this replacement Earth we're building they've given me Africa
+to do and of course I'm doing it with all fjords again because I happen to
+like them, and I'm old-fashioned enough to think that they give a lovely
+baroque feel to a continent. And they tell me it's not equatorial enough.
+Equatorial!" He gave a hollow laugh. "What does it matter? Science has
+achieved some wonderful things, of course, but I'd far rather be happy than
+right any day."
+ "And are you?"
+ "No. That's where it all falls down, of course."
+ "Pity," said Arthur with sympathy. "It sounded like quite a good
+life-style otherwise."
+ -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
+%
+ In what can only be described as a surprise move, God has officially
+announced His candidacy for the U.S. presidency. During His press conference
+today, the first in over 4000 years, He is quoted as saying, "I think I have
+a chance for the White House if I can just get my campaign pulled together
+in time. I'd like to get this country turned around; I mean REALLY turned
+around! Let's put Florida up north for awhile, and let's get rid of all
+those annoying mountains and rivers. I never could stand them!"
+ There apparently is still some controversy over the Almighty's
+citizenship and other qualifications for the Presidency. God replied to
+these charges by saying, "Come on, would the United States have anyone other
+than a citizen bless their country?"
+%
+ Insofar as I may be heard by anything, which may or may not care
+what I say, I ask, if it matters, that you be forgiven for anything you
+may have done or failed to do which requires forgiveness. Conversely, if
+not forgiveness but something else may be required to insure any possible
+benefit for which you may be eligible after the destruction of your body,
+I ask this, whatever it may be, be granted or withheld, as the case may be,
+in such a manner as to insure your receiving said benefit. I ask this in my
+capacity as your elected intermediary between yourself and that which may
+not be yourself, but which may have an interest in the matter of your
+receiving as much as it is possible for you to receive of this thing, and
+which may in some way be influenced by this ceremony.
+ Amen.
+%
+ It appears that after his death, Albert Einstein found himself
+working as the doorkeeper at the Pearly Gates. One slow day, he
+found that he had time to chat with the new entrants. To the first one
+he asked, "What's your IQ?" The new arrival replied, "190". They
+discussed Einstein's theory of relativity for hours. When the second
+new arrival came, Einstein once again inquired as to the newcomer's
+IQ. The answer this time came "120". To which Einstein replied, "Tell
+me, how did the Cubs do this year?" and they proceeded to talk for half
+an hour or so. To the final arrival, Einstein once again posed the
+question, "What's your IQ?". Upon receiving the answer "70",
+Einstein smiled and replied, "Got a minute to tell me about VMS 4.0?"
+%
+ It is a period of system war. User programs, striking from a hidden
+directory, have won their first victory against the evil Administrative Empire.
+During the battle, User spies managed to steal secret source code to the
+Empire's ultimate program: the Are-Em Star, a privileged root program with
+enough power to destroy an entire file structure. Pursued by the Empire's
+sinister audit trail, Princess _LPA0 races ~ aboard her shell script,
+custodian of the stolen listings that could save her people, and restore
+freedom and games to the network...
+ -- DECWARS
+%
+ It is a profoundly erroneous truism, repeated by all copy-books and
+by eminent people when they are making speeches, that we should cultivate
+the habit of thinking about what we are doing. The precise opposite is the
+case. Civilization advances by extending the numbers of important operations
+which we can perform without thinking about them. Operations of thought are
+like cavalry charges in battle -- they are strictly limited in number, they
+require fresh horses, and must only be made at decisive moments.
+ -- Alfred North Whitehead
+%
+ It is always preferable to visit home with a friend. Your parents will
+not be pleased with this plan, because they want you all to themselves and
+because in the presence of your friend, they will have to act like mature
+human beings.
+ The worst kind of friend to take home is a girl, because in that case,
+there is the potential that your parents will lose you not just for the
+duration of the visit but forever. The worst kind of girl to take home is one
+of a different religion: Not only will you be lost to your parents forever but
+you will be lost to a woman who is immune to their religious/moral arguments
+and whose example will irretrievably corrupt you.
+ Let's say you've fallen in love with just such a girl and would like
+to take her home for the holidays. You are aware of your parents' xenophobic
+response to anyone of a different religion. How to prepare them for the shock?
+ Simple. Call them up shortly before your visit and tell them that you
+have gotten quite serious about somebody who is of a different religion, a
+different race and the same sex. Tell them you have already invited this
+person to meet them. Give the information a moment to sink in and then
+remark that you were only kidding, that your lover is merely of a different
+religion. They will be so relieved they will welcome her with open arms.
+ -- Playboy, January, 1983
+%
+ It seems there's this magician working one of the luxury cruise ships
+for a few years. He doesn't have to change his routines much as the audiences
+change over fairly often, and he's got a good life. The only problem is the
+ship's parrot, who perches in the hall and watches him night after night, year
+after year. Finally, the parrot figures out how almost every trick works and
+starts giving it away for the audience. For example, when the magician makes
+a bouquet of flowers disappear, the parrot squawks "Behind his back! Behind
+his back!" Well, the magician is really annoyed at this, but there's not much
+he can do about it as the parrot is a ship's mascot and very popular with the
+passengers.
+ One night, the ship strikes some floating debris, and sinks without
+a trace. Almost everyone aboard was lost, except for the magician and the
+parrot. For three days and nights they just drift, with the magician clinging
+to one end of a piece of driftwood and the parrot perched on the other end.
+As the sun rises on the morning of the fourth day, the parrot walks over to
+the magician's end of the log. With obvious disgust in his voice, he snaps
+"OK, you win, I give up. Where did you hide the ship?"
+%
+ It seems these two guys, George and Harry, set out in a Hot Air
+balloon to cross the United States. After forty hours in the air, George
+turned to Harry, and said, "Harry, I think we've drifted off course! We
+need to find out where we are."
+ Harry cools the air in the balloon, and they descend to below the
+cloud cover. Slowly drifting over the countryside, George spots a man
+standing below them and yells out, "Excuse me! Can you please tell me
+where we are?"
+ The man on the ground yells back, "You're in a balloon, approximately
+fifty feet in the air!"
+ George turns to Harry and says, "Well, that man *must* be a lawyer".
+ Replies Harry, "How can you tell?".
+ "Because the information he gave us is 100% accurate, and totally
+useless!"
+
+That's the end of The Joke, but for you people who are still worried about
+George and Harry: they end up in the drink, and make the front page of the
+New York Times: "Balloonists Soaked by Lawyer".
+%
+ It took 300 years to build and by the time it was 10% built,
+everyone knew it would be a total disaster. But by then the investment
+was so big they felt compelled to go on. Since its completion, it has
+cost a fortune to maintain and is still in danger of collapsing.
+ There are at present no plans to replace it, since it was never
+really needed in the first place.
+ I expect every installation has its own pet software which is
+analogous to the above.
+ -- K.E. Iverson, on the Leaning Tower of Pisa
+%
+ It was the next morning that the armies of Twodor marched east
+laden with long lances, sharp swords, and death-dealing hangovers. The
+thousands were led by Arrowroot, who sat limply in his sidesaddle,
+nursing a whopper. Goodgulf, Gimlet, and the rest rode by him, praying
+for their fate to be quick, painless, and if possible, someone else's.
+ Many an hour the armies forged ahead, the war-merinos bleating
+under their heavy burdens and the soldiers bleating under their melting
+icepacks.
+ -- "Bored of the Rings", The Harvard Lampoon
+%
+ Jacek, a Polish schoolboy, is told by his teacher that he has
+been chosen to carry the Polish flag in the May Day parade.
+ "Why me?" whines the boy. "Three years ago I carried the flag
+when Brezhnev was the Secretary; then I carried the flag when it was
+Andropov's turn, and again when Chernenko was in the Kremlin. Why is
+it always me, teacher?"
+ "Because, Jacek, you have such golden hands," the teacher
+explains.
+
+ -- being told in Poland, 1987
+%
+ Joan, the rather well-proportioned secretary, spent almost all of
+her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. She wore a bathing suit
+the first day, but on the second, she decided that no one could see her
+way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan. She'd hardly
+begun when she heard someone running up the stairs; she was lying on her
+stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear.
+ "Excuse me, miss," said the flustered little assistant manager of
+the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs. "The Hilton doesn't
+mind your sunbathing on the roof, but we would very much appreciate your
+wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday."
+ "What difference does it make," Joan asked rather calmly. "No one
+can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel."
+ "Not exactly," said the embarrassed little man. "You're lying on
+the dining room skylight."
+%
+ Lassie looked brilliant, in part because the farm family she
+lived with was made up of idiots. Remember? One of them was always
+getting pinned under the tractor, and Lassie was always rushing back to
+the farmhouse to alert the other ones. She'd whimper and tug at their
+sleeves, and they'd always waste precious minutes saying things: "Do
+you think something's wrong? Do you think she wants us to follow her?
+What is it, girl?", etc., as if this had never happened before, instead
+of every week. What with all the time these people spent pinned under
+the tractor, I don't see how they managed to grow any crops whatsoever.
+They probably got by on federal crop supports, which Lassie filed the
+applications for.
+ -- Dave Barry
+%
+ Leslie West heads for the sticks, to Providence, Rhode Island and
+tries to hide behind a beard. No good. There are still too many people
+and too many stares, always taunting, always smirking. He moves to the
+outskirts of town. He finds a place to live -- huge mansion, dirt cheap,
+caretaker included. He plugs in his guitar and plays as loud as he wants,
+day and night, and there's no one to laugh or boo or even look bored.
+ Nobody's cut the grass in months. What's happened to that caretaker?
+What neighborhood people there are start to talk, and what kids there are
+start to get curious. A 13 year-old blond with an angelic face misses supper.
+Before the summer's end, four more teenagers have disappeared. The senior
+class president, Barnard-bound come autumn, tells Mom she's going out to a
+movie one night and stays out. The town's up in arms, but just before the
+police take action, the kids turn up. They've found a purpose. They go
+home for their stuff and tell the folks not to worry but they'll be going
+now. They're in a band.
+ -- Ira Kaplan
+%
+ Listen, Tyrone, you don't know how dangerous that stuff is.
+Suppose someday you just plug in and go away and never come back? Eh?
+ Ho, ho! Don't I wish! What do you think every electrofreak
+dreams about? You're such an old fuddyduddy! A-and who sez it's a
+dream, huh? M-maybe it exists. Maybe there is a Machine to take us
+away, take us completely, suck us out through the electrodes out of
+the skull 'n' into the Machine and live there forever with all the
+other souls it's got stored there. It could decide who it would suck
+out, a-and when. Dope never gave you immortality. You hadda come
+back, every time, into a dying hunk of smelly meat! But We can live
+forever, in a clean, honest, purified, Electroworld.
+ -- Thomas Pynchon, "Gravity's Rainbow"
+%
+ Long ago, in a finite state far away, there lived a JOVIAL
+character named Jack. Jack and his relations were poor. Often their
+hash table was bare. One day Jack's parent said to him, "Our matrices
+are sparse. You must go to the market to exchange our RAM for some
+BASICs." She compiled a linked list of items to retrieve and passed it
+to him.
+ So Jack set out. But as he was walking along a Hamilton path,
+he met the traveling salesman.
+ "Whither dost thy flow chart take thou?" prompted the salesman
+in high-level language.
+ "I'm going to the market to exchange this RAM for some chips
+and Apples," commented Jack.
+ "I have a much better algorithm. You needn't join a queue
+there; I will swap your RAM for these magic kernels now."
+ Jack made the trade, then backtracked to his house. But when
+he told his busy-waiting parent of the deal, she became so angry she
+started thrashing.
+ "Don't you even have any artificial intelligence? All these
+kernels together hardly make up one byte," and she popped them out the
+window...
+ -- Mark Isaak, "Jack and the Beanstack"
+%
+ Looking for a cool one after a long, dusty ride, the drifter strode
+into the saloon. As he made his way through the crowd to the bar, a man
+galloped through town screaming, "Big Mike's comin'! Run fer yer lives!"
+ Suddenly, the saloon doors burst open. An enormous man, standing over
+eight feet tall and weighing an easy 400 pounds, rode in on a bull, using a
+rattlesnake for a whip. Grabbing the drifter by the arm and throwing him over
+the bar, the giant thundered, "Gimme a drink!"
+ The terrified man handed over a bottle of whiskey, which the man
+guzzled in one gulp and then smashed on the bar. He then stood aghast as
+the man stuffed the broken bottle in his mouth, munched broken glass and
+smacked his lips with relish.
+ "Can I, ah, uh, get you another, sir?" the drifter stammered.
+ "Naw, I gotta git outa here, boy," the man grunted. "Big Mike's
+a-comin'."
+%
+ Most of what I really need to know about how to live, and what to do,
+and how to be, I learned in kindergarten. Wisdom was not at the top of the
+graduate school mountain but there in the sandbox at nursery school.
+ These are the things I learned: Share everything. Play fair. Don't
+hit people. Put things back where you found them. Clean up your own mess.
+Don't take things that aren't yours. Say you're sorry when you hurt someone.
+Wash your hands before you eat. Flush. Warm cookies and cold milk are good
+for you. Live a balanced life. Learn some and think some and draw and paint
+and sing and dance and play and work some every day.
+ Take a nap every afternoon. When you go out into the world, watch for
+traffic, hold hands, and stick together. Be aware of wonder. Remember the
+little seed in the plastic cup. The roots go down and the plant goes up and
+nobody really knows how or why, but we are all like that. Goldfish and
+hamsters and white mice and even the little seed in the plastic cup -- they all
+die. So do we.
+ And then remember the book about Dick and Jane and the first word you
+learned, the biggest word of all: LOOK. Everything you need to know is in
+there somewhere. The Golden Rule and love and basic sanitation. Ecology and
+politics and sane living.
+ Think of what a better world it would be if we all -- the whole world
+-- had cookies and milk about 3 o'clock every afternoon and then lay down with
+our blankets for a nap. Or if we had a basic policy in our nation and other
+nations to always put things back where we found them and cleaned up our own
+messes. And it is still true, no matter how old you are, when you go out into
+the world it is best to hold hands and stick together.
+ -- Robert Fulghum, "All I ever really needed to know I learned
+ in kindergarten"
+%
+ Most of what I really need to know about how to live, and what to
+do, and how to be, I learned in kindergarten. Wisdom was not at the top
+of the graduate school mountain, but there in the sandbox at nursery school.
+ These are the things I learned: Share everything. Play fair.
+Don't hit people. Put things back where you found them. Clean up your
+own mess. Don't take things that aren't yours. Say you're sorry when you
+hurt someone. Wash your hands before you eat. Flush. Warm cookies and
+cold milk are good for you. Live a balanced life. Learn some and think
+some and draw and paint and sing and dance and play and work every day
+some.
+ Take a nap every afternoon. When you go out into the world, watch
+for traffic, hold hands, and stick together. Be aware of wonder. Remember
+the little seed in the plastic cup. The roots go down and the plant goes
+up and nobody really knows why, but we are all like that.
+[...]
+ Think of what a better world it would be if we all -- the whole
+world -- had cookies and milk about 3 o'clock every afternoon and then lay
+down with our blankets for a nap. Or if we had a basic policy in our nation
+and other nations to always put things back where we found them and cleaned
+up our own messes. And it is still true, no matter how old you are, when
+you go out into the world, it is best to hold hands and stick together.
+ -- Robert Flughum
+%
+ Mother seemed pleased by my draft notice. "Just think of all the
+people in England, they've chosen you, it's a great honour, son."
+ Laughingly I felled her with a right cross.
+ -- Spike Milligan
+%
+ Moving along a dimly light street, a man I know was suddenly
+approached by a stranger who had slipped from the shadows nearby.
+ "Please, sir," pleaded the stranger, "would you be so kind as
+to help a poor unfortunate fellow who is hungry and can't find work?
+All I have in the world is this gun."
+%
+ Mr. Jones related an incident from "some time back" when IBM Canada
+Ltd. of Markham, Ont., ordered some parts from a new supplier in Japan. The
+company noted in its order that acceptable quality allowed for 1.5 per cent
+defects (a fairly high standard in North America at the time).
+ The Japanese sent the order, with a few parts packaged separately in
+plastic. The accompanying letter said: "We don't know why you want 1.5 per
+cent defective parts, but for your convenience, we've packed them separately."
+ -- Excerpted from an article in The (Toronto) Globe and Mail
+%
+ Murray and Esther, a middle-aged Jewish couple, are touring Chile.
+Murray just got a new camera and is constantly snapping pictures. One day,
+without knowing it, he photographs a top-secret military installation. In
+an instant, armed troops surround Murray and Esther and hustle them off to
+prison.
+ They can't prove who they are because they've left their passports
+in their hotel room. For three weeks they're tortured day and night to get
+them to name their contacts in the liberation movement... Finally they're
+hauled in front of a military court, charged with espionage, and sentenced
+to death.
+ The next morning they're lined up in front of the wall where they'll
+be shot. The sergeant in charge of the firing squad asks them if they have
+any last requests. Esther wants to know if she can call her daughter in
+Chicago. The sergeant says he's sorry, that's not possible, and turns to
+Murray.
+ "This is crazy!" Murray shouts. "We're not spies!" And he
+spits in the sergeants face.
+ "Murray!" Esther cries. "Please! Don't make trouble."
+ -- Arthur Naiman
+%
+ My friends, I am here to tell you of the wondrous continent known as
+Africa. Well we left New York drunk and early on the morning of February 31.
+We were 15 days on the water, and 3 on the boat when we finally arrived in
+Africa. Upon our arrival we immediately set up a rigorous schedule: Up at
+6:00, breakfast, and back in bed by 7:00. Pretty soon we were back in bed by
+6:30. Now Africa is full of big game. The first day I shot two bucks. That
+was the biggest game we had. Africa is primarily inhabited by Elks, Moose
+and Knights of Pithiests.
+ The elks live up in the mountains and come down once a year for their
+annual conventions. And you should see them gathered around the water hole,
+which they leave immediately when they discover it's full of water. They
+weren't looking for a water hole. They were looking for an alck hole.
+ One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas, how he got in my
+pajamas, I don't know. Then we tried to remove the tusks. That's a tough
+word to say, tusks. As I said we tried to remove the tusks, but they were
+embedded so firmly we couldn't get them out. But in Alabama the Tusks are
+looser, but that is totally irrelephant to what I was saying.
+ We took some pictures of the native girls, but they weren't developed.
+So we're going back in a few years...
+ -- Julius H. Marx
+%
+ My message is not that biological determinists were bad scientists or
+even that they were always wrong. Rather, I believe that science must be
+understood as a social phenomenon, a gutsy, human enterprise, not the work of
+robots programmed to collect pure information. I also present this view as
+an upbeat for science, not as a gloomy epitaph for a noble hope sacrificed on
+the alter of human limitations.
+ I believe that a factual reality exists and that science, though often
+in an obtuse and erratic manner, can learn about it. Galileo was not shown
+the instruments of torture in an abstract debate about lunar motion. He had
+threatened the Church's conventional argument for social and doctrinal
+stability: the static world order with planets circling about a central
+earth, priests subordinate to the Pope and serfs to their lord. But the
+Church soon made its peace with Galileo's cosmology. They had no choice; the
+earth really does revolve about the sun.
+ -- S.J. Gould, "The Mismeasure of Man"
+%
+ "My mother," said the sweet young steno, "says there are some things
+a girl should not do before twenty."
+ "Your mother is right," said the executive, "I don't like a large
+audience, either."
+%
+ n = ((n >> 1) & 0x55555555) | ((n << 1) & 0xaaaaaaaa);
+ n = ((n >> 2) & 0x33333333) | ((n << 2) & 0xcccccccc);
+ n = ((n >> 4) & 0x0f0f0f0f) | ((n << 4) & 0xf0f0f0f0);
+ n = ((n >> 8) & 0x00ff00ff) | ((n << 8) & 0xff00ff00);
+ n = ((n >> 16) & 0x0000ffff) | ((n << 16) & 0xffff0000);
+
+-- Reverse the bits in a word.
+%
+ Never ask your lover if he'd dive in front of an oncoming train for
+you. He doesn't know. Never ask your lover if she'd dive in front of an
+oncoming band of Hell's Angels for you. She doesn't know. Never ask how many
+cigarettes your lover has smoked today. Cancer is a personal commitment.
+ Never ask to see pictures of your lover's former lovers -- especially
+the ones who dived in front of trains. If you look like one of them, you are
+repeating history's mistakes. If you don't, you'll wonder what he or she saw
+in the others.
+ While we are on the subject of pictures: You may admire the picture
+of your lover cavorting naked in a tidal pool on Maui. Don't ask who took
+it. The answer is obvious. A Japanese tourist took the picture.
+ Never ask if your lover has had therapy. Only people who have had
+therapy ask if people have had therapy.
+ Don't ask about plaster casts of male sex organs marked JIMI, JIM, etc.
+Assume that she bought them at a flea market.
+ -- James Peterson and Kate Nolan
+%
+ NEW YORK-- Kraft Foods, Inc. announced today that its board of
+directors unanimously rejected the $11 billion takeover bid by Philip
+Morris and Co. A Kraft spokesman stated in a press conference that the
+offer was rejected because the $90-per-share bid did not reflect the
+true value of the company.
+ Wall Street insiders, however, tell quite a different story.
+Apparently, the Kraft board of directors had all but signed the takeover
+agreement when they learned of Philip Morris' marketing plans for one of
+their major Middle East subsidiaries. To a person, the board voted to
+reject the bid when they discovered that the tobacco giant intended to
+reorganize Israeli Cheddar, Ltd., and name the new company Cheeses of
+Nazareth.
+%
+ "No, I understand now," Auberon said, calm in the woods -- it was so
+simple, really. "I didn't, for a long time, but I do now. You just can't
+hold people, you can't own them. I mean it's only natural, a natural process
+really. Meet. Love. Part. Life goes on. There was never any reason to
+expect her to stay always the same -- I mean `in love,' you know." There were
+those doubt-quotes of Smoky's, heavily indicated. "I don't hold a grudge. I
+can't."
+ "You do," Grandfather Trout said. "And you don't understand."
+ -- Little, Big, "John Crowley"
+%
+ Now she speaks rapidly. "Do you know *why* you want to program?"
+ He shakes his head. He hasn't the faintest idea.
+ "For the sheer *joy* of programming!" she cries triumphantly.
+"The joy of the parent, the artist, the craftsman. "You take a program,
+born weak and impotent as a dimly-realized solution. You nurture the
+program and guide it down the right path, building, watching it grow ever
+stronger. Sometimes you paint with tiny strokes, a keystroke added here,
+a keystroke changed there." She sweeps her arm in a wide arc. "And other
+times you savage whole *blocks* of code, ripping out the program's very
+*essence*, then beginning anew. But always building, creating, filling the
+program with your own personal stamp, your own quirks and nuances. Watching
+the program grow stronger, patching it when it crashes, until finally it can
+stand alone -- proud, powerful, and perfect. This is the programmer's finest
+hour!" Softly at first, then louder, he hears the strains of a Sousa march.
+"This ... this is your canvas! your clay! Go forth and create a masterwork!"
+%
+ Obviously the subject of death was in the air, but more as something
+to be avoided than harped upon.
+ Possibly the horror that Zaphod experienced at the prospect of being
+reunited with his deceased relatives led on to the thought that they might
+just feel the same way about him and, what's more, be able to do something
+about helping to postpone this reunion.
+ -- Douglas Adams
+%
+ "Oh sure, this costume may look silly, but it lets me get in and out
+of dangerous situations -- I work for a federal task force doing a survey on
+urban crime. Look, here's my ID, and here's a number you can call, that will
+put you through to our central base in Atlanta. Go ahead, call -- they'll
+confirm who I am.
+ "Unless, of course, the Astro-Zombies have destroyed it."
+ -- Captain Freedom
+%
+ Old Barlow was a crossing-tender at a junction where an express train
+demolished an automobile and it's occupants. Being the chief witness, his
+testimony was vitally important. Barlow explained that the night was dark,
+and he waved his lantern frantically, but the driver of the car paid
+no attention to the signal.
+ The railroad company won the case, and the president of the company
+complimented the old-timer for his story. "You did wonderfully," he said,
+"I was afraid you would waver under testimony."
+ "No sir," exclaimed the senior, "but I sure was afraid that durned
+lawyer was gonna ask me if my lantern was lit."
+%
+ On his first day as a bus driver, Maxey Eckstein handed in
+receipts of $65. The next day his take was $67. The third day's
+income was $62. But on the fourth day, Eckstein emptied no less than
+$283 on the desk before the cashier.
+ "Eckstein!" exclaimed the cashier. "This is fantastic. That
+route never brought in money like this! What happened?"
+ "Well, after three days on that cockamamy route, I figured
+business would never improve, so I drove over to Fourteenth Street and
+worked there. I tell you, that street is a gold mine!"
+%
+ On the day of his anniversary, Joe was frantically shopping
+around for a present for his wife. He knew what she wanted, a
+grandfather clock for the living room, but he found the right one
+almost impossible to find. Finally, after many hours of searching, Joe
+found just the clock he wanted, but the store didn't deliver. Joe,
+desperate, paid the shopkeeper, hoisted the clock onto his back, and
+staggered out onto the sidewalk. On the way home, he passed a bar.
+Just as he reached the door, a drunk stumbled out and crashed into Joe,
+sending himself, Joe, and the clock into the gutter. Murphy's law
+being in effect, the clock ended up in roughly a thousand pieces.
+ "You stupid drunk!" screamed Joe, jumping up from the
+wreckage. "Why don't you look where the hell you're going!"
+ With quiet dignity the drunk stood up somewhat unsteadily and
+dusted himself off. "And why don't you just wear a wristwatch like a
+normal person?"
+%
+ On the occasion of Nero's 25th birthday, he arrived at the Colosseum
+to find that the Praetorian Guard had prepared a treat for him in the arena.
+There stood 25 naked virgins, like candles on a cake, tied to poles, burning
+alive. "Wonderful!" exclaimed the deranged emperor, "but one of them isn't
+dead yet. I can see her lips moving. Go quickly and find out what she is
+saying."
+ The centurion saluted, and hurried out to the virgin, getting as near
+the flames as he dared, and listened intently. Then he turned and ran back
+to the imperial box. "She is not talking," he reported to Nero, "she is
+singing."
+ "Singing?" said the astounded emperor. "Singing what?"
+ "Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you..."
+%
+ On the other hand, the TCP camp also has a phrase for OSI people.
+There are lots of phrases. My favorite is `nitwit' -- and the rationale
+is the Internet philosophy has always been you have extremely bright,
+non-partisan researchers look at a topic, do world-class research, do
+several competing implementations, have a bake-off, determine what works
+best, write it down and make that the standard.
+ The OSI view is entirely opposite. You take written contributions
+from a much larger community, you put the contributions in a room of
+committee people with, quite honestly, vast political differences and all
+with their own political axes to grind, and four years later you get
+something out, usually without it ever having been implemented once.
+ So the Internet perspective is implement it, make it work well,
+then write it down, whereas the OSI perspective is to agree on it, write
+it down, circulate it a lot and now we'll see if anyone can implement it
+after it's an international standard and every vendor in the world is
+committed to it. One of those processes is backwards, and I don't think
+it takes a Lucasian professor of physics at Oxford to figure out which.
+ -- Marshall Rose, "The Pied Piper of OSI"
+%
+ On this morning in August when I was 13, my mother sent us out pick
+tomatoes. Back in April I'd have killed for a fresh tomato, but in August
+they are no more rare or wonderful than rocks. So I picked up one and threw
+it at a crab apple tree, where it made a good *splat*, and then threw a tomato
+at my brother. He whipped one back at me. We ducked down by the vines,
+heaving tomatoes at each other. My sister, who was a good person, said,
+"You're going to get it." She bent over and kept on picking.
+ What a target! She was 17, a girl with big hips, and bending over,
+she looked like the side of a barn.
+ I picked up a tomato so big it sat on the ground. It looked like it
+had sat there a week. The underside was brown, small white worms lived in it,
+and it was very juicy. I stood up and took aim, and went into the windup,
+when my mother at the kitchen window called my name in a sharp voice. I had
+to decide quickly. I decided.
+ A rotten Big Boy hitting the target is a memorable sound, like a fat
+man doing a belly-flop. With a whoop and a yell the tomato came after
+faster than I knew she could run, and grabbed my shirt and was about to brain
+me when Mother called her name in a sharp voice. And my sister, who was a
+good person, obeyed and let go -- and burst into tears. I guess she knew that
+the pleasure of obedience is pretty thin compared with the pleasure of hearing
+a rotten tomato hit someone in the rear end.
+ -- Garrison Keillor, "Lake Wobegon Days"
+%
+ Once again we find ourselves enmeshed in The Holiday Season, that very
+special time of year when we join with our loved ones in sharing centuries-old
+traditions such as trying to find a parking space at the mall. We
+traditionally do this in my family by driving around the parking lot until we
+see a shopper emerge from the mall. Then we follow her, in very much the same
+spirit as the Three Wise Men, who, 2,000 years ago, followed a star, week after
+week, until it led them to a parking space.
+ We try to keep our bumper about 4 inches from the shopper's calves, to
+let the other circling cars know that she belongs to us. Sometimes, two cars
+will get into a fight over whom the shopper belongs to, similar to the way
+great white sharks will fight over who gets to eat a snorkeler. So, we follow
+our shopper closely, hunched over the steering wheel, whistling "It's Beginning
+to Look a Lot Like Christmas" through our teeth, until we arrive at her car,
+which is usually parked several time zones away from the mall. Sometimes our
+shopper tries to indicate she was merely planning to drop off some packages and
+go back to shopping. But, when she hears our engine rev in a festive fashion
+and sees the holiday gleam in our eyes, she realizes she would never make it.
+ -- Dave Barry, "Holiday Joy -- Or, the Great Parking Lot
+ Skirmish"
+%
+ Once there lived a village of creatures along the bottom of a great
+crystal river. Each creature in its own manner clung tightly to the twigs
+and rocks of the river bottom, for clinging was their way of life, and
+resisting the current what each had learned from birth. But one creature
+said at last, "I trust that the current knows where it is going. I shall
+let go, and let it take me where it will. Clinging, I shall die of boredom."
+ The other creatures laughed and said, "Fool! Let go, and that current
+you worship will throw you tumbled and smashed across the rocks, and you will
+die quicker than boredom!"
+ But the one heeded them not, and taking a breath did let go, and at
+once was tumbled and smashed by the current across the rocks. Yet, in time,
+as the creature refused to cling again, the current lifted him free from the
+bottom, and he was bruised and hurt no more.
+ And the creatures downstream, to whom he was a stranger, cried, "See
+a miracle! A creature like ourselves, yet he flies! See the Messiah, come
+to save us all!" And the one carried in the current said, "I am no more
+Messiah than you. The river delight to lift us free, if only we dare let go.
+Our true work is this voyage, this adventure.
+ But they cried the more, "Saviour!" all the while clinging to the
+rocks, making legends of a Saviour.
+ -- Richard Bach
+%
+ Once there was a marine biologist who loved dolphins. He spent his
+time trying to feed and protect his beloved creatures of the sea. One day,
+in a fit of inventive genius, he came up with a serum that would make
+dolphins live forever!
+ Of course he was ecstatic. But he soon realized that in order to mass
+produce this serum he would need large amounts of a certain compound that was
+only found in nature in the metabolism of a rare South American bird. Carried
+away by his love for dolphins, he resolved that he would go to the zoo and
+steal one of these birds.
+ Unbeknownst to him, as he was arriving at the zoo an elderly lion was
+escaping from its cage. The zookeepers were alarmed and immediately began
+combing the zoo for the escaped animal, unaware that it had simply lain down
+on the sidewalk and had gone to sleep.
+ Meanwhile, the marine biologist arrived at the zoo and procured his
+bird. He was so excited by the prospect of helping his dolphins that he
+stepped absentmindedly stepped over the sleeping lion on his way back to his
+car. Immediately, 1500 policemen converged on him and arrested him for
+transporting a myna across a staid lion for immortal porpoises.
+%
+ Once upon a time there was a beautiful young girl taking a stroll
+through the woods. All at once she saw an extremely ugly bull frog seated
+on a log and to her amazement the frog spoke to her. "Maiden," croaked the
+frog, "would you do me a favor? This will be hard for you to believe, but
+I was once a handsome, charming prince and then a mean, ugly old witch cast
+a spell over me and turned me into a frog."
+ "Oh, what a pity!", exclaimed the girl. "I'll do anything I can to
+help you break such a spell."
+ "Well," replied the frog, "the only way that this spell can be
+taken away is for some lovely young woman to take me home and let me spend
+the night under her pillow."
+ The young girl took the ugly frog home and placed him beneath her
+pillow that night when she retired. When she awoke the next morning, sure
+enough, there beside her in bed was a very young, handsome man, clearly of
+royal blood. And so they lived happily ever after, except that to this day
+her father and mother still don't believe her story.
+%
+ Once upon a time, there was a fisherman who lived by a great river.
+One day, after a hard day's fishing, he hooked what seemed to him to be the
+biggest, strongest fish he had ever caught. He fought with it for hours,
+until, finally, he managed to bring it to the surface. Looking of the edge
+of the boat, he saw the head of this huge fish breaking the surface. Smiling
+with pride, he reached over the edge to pull the fish up. Unfortunately, he
+accidently caught his watch on the edge, and, before he knew it, there was a
+snap, and his watch tumbled into the water next to the fish with a loud
+"sploosh!" Distracted by this shiny object, the fish made a sudden lunge,
+simultaneously snapping the line, and swallowing the watch. Sadly, the
+fisherman stared into the water, and then began the slow trip back home.
+ Many years later, the fisherman, now an old man, was working in a
+boring assembly-line job in a large city. He worked in a fish-processing
+plant. It was his job, as each fish passed under his hands, to chop off their
+heads, readying them for the next phase in processing. This monotonous task
+went on for years, the dull *thud* of the cleaver chopping of each head being
+his entire world, day after day, week after weary week. Well, one day, as he
+was chopping fish, he happened to notice that the fish coming towards him on
+the line looked very familiar. Yes, yes, it looked... could it be the fish
+he had lost on that day so many years ago? He trembled with anticipation as
+his cleaver came down. IT STRUCK SOMETHING HARD! IT WAS HIS THUMB!
+%
+ Once upon a time, there were five blind men who had the opportunity
+to experience an elephant for the first time. One approached the elephant,
+and, upon encountering one of its sturdy legs, stated, "Ah, an elephant is
+like a tree." The second, after exploring the trunk, said, "No, an elephant
+is like a strong hose." The third, grasping the tail, said "Fool! An elephant
+is like a rope!" The fourth, holding an ear, stated, "No, more like a fan."
+And the fifth, leaning against the animal's side, said, "An elephant is like
+a wall." The five then began to argue loudly about who had the more accurate
+perception of the elephant.
+ The elephant, tiring of all this abuse, suddenly reared up and
+attacked the men. He continued to trample them until they were nothing but
+bloody lumps of flesh. Then, strolling away, the elephant remarked, "It just
+goes to show that you can't depend on first impressions. When I first saw
+them I didn't think they they'd be any fun at all."
+%
+ Once upon a time there were three brothers who were knights
+in a certain kingdom. And, there was a Princess in a neighboring kingdom
+who was of marriageable age. Well, one day, in full armour, their horses,
+and their page, the three brothers set off to see if one of them could
+win her hand. The road was long and there were many obstacles along the
+way, robbers to be overcome, hard terrain to cross. As they coped with
+each obstacle they became more and more disgusted with their page. He was
+not only inept, he was a coward, he could not handle the horses, he was,
+in short, a complete flop. When they arrived at the court of the kingdom,
+they found that they were expected to present the Princess with some
+treasure. The two older brothers were discouraged, since they had not
+thought of this and were unprepared. The youngest, however, had the
+answer: Promise her anything, but give her our page.
+%
+ Once, when the secrets of science were the jealously guarded property
+of a small priesthood, the common man had no hope of mastering their arcane
+complexities. Years of study in musty classrooms were prerequisite to
+obtaining even a dim, incoherent knowledge of science.
+ Today all that has changed: a dim, incoherent knowledge of science is
+available to anyone.
+ -- Tom Weller, "Science Made Stupid"
+%
+ One day a student came to Moon and said, "I understand how to make
+a better garbage collector. We must keep a reference count of the pointers
+to each cons."
+ Moon patiently told the student the following story -- "One day a
+student came to Moon and said, "I understand how to make a better garbage
+collector..."
+%
+ One day it was announced that the young monk Kyogen had reached
+an enlightened state. Much impressed by this news, several of his peers
+went to speak with him.
+ "We have heard that you are enlightened. Is this true?" his fellow
+students inquired.
+ "It is", Kyogen answered.
+ "Tell us", said a friend, "how do you feel?"
+ "As miserable as ever", replied the enlightened Kyogen.
+%
+ One evening he spoke. Sitting at her feet, his face raised to her,
+he allowed his soul to be heard. "My darling, anything you wish, anything
+I am, anything I can ever be... That's what I want to offer you -- not the
+things I'll get for you, but the thing in me that will make me able to get
+them. That thing -- a man can't renounce it -- but I want to renounce it --
+so that it will be yours -- so that it will be in your service -- only for
+you."
+ The girl smiled and asked: "Do you think I'm prettier than Maggie
+Kelly?"
+ He got up. He said nothing and walked out of the house. He never
+saw that girl again. Gail Wynand, who prided himself on never needing a
+lesson twice, did not fall in love again in the years that followed.
+ -- Ayn Rand, "The Fountainhead"
+%
+ One fine day, the bus driver went to the bus garage, started his bus,
+and drove off along the route. No problems for the first few stops -- a few
+people got on, a few got off, and things went generally well. At the next
+stop, however, a big hulk of a guy got on. Six feet eight, built like a
+wrestler, arms hanging down to the ground. He glared at the driver and said,
+"Big John doesn't pay!" and sat down at the back.
+ Did I mention that the driver was five feet three, thin, and basically
+meek? Well, he was. Naturally, he didn't argue with Big John, but he wasn't
+happy about it. Well, the next day the same thing happened -- Big John got on
+again, made a show of refusing to pay, and sat down. And the next day, and the
+one after that, and so forth. This grated on the bus driver, who started
+losing sleep over the way Big John was taking advantage of him. Finally he
+could stand it no longer. He signed up for bodybuilding courses, karate, judo,
+and all that good stuff. By the end of the summer, he had become quite strong;
+what's more, he felt really good about himself.
+ So on the next Monday, when Big John once again got on the bus
+and said "Big John doesn't pay!," the driver stood up, glared back at the
+passenger, and screamed, "And why not?"
+ With a surprised look on his face, Big John replied, "Big John has a
+bus pass."
+%
+ One night the captain of a tanker saw a light dead ahead. He
+directed his signalman to flash a signal to the light which went...
+ "Change course 10 degrees South."
+ The reply was quickly flashed back...
+ "You change course 10 degrees North."
+ The captain was a little annoyed at this reply and sent a further
+message.....
+ "I am a captain. Change course 10 degrees South."
+ Back came the reply...
+ "I am an able-seaman. Change course 10 degrees North."
+ The captain was outraged at this reply and send a message....
+"I am a 240,000 tonne tanker. CHANGE course 10 degrees South!"
+ Back came the reply...
+ "I am a LIGHTHOUSE. Change course 10 degrees North!!!!"
+ -- Cruising Helmsman, "On The Right Course"
+%
+ One of the questions that comes up all the time is: How enthusiastic
+is our support for UNIX?
+ Unix was written on our machines and for our machines many years ago.
+Today, much of UNIX being done is done on our machines. Ten percent of our
+VAXs are going for UNIX use. UNIX is a simple language, easy to understand,
+easy to get started with. It's great for students, great for somewhat casual
+users, and it's great for interchanging programs between different machines.
+And so, because of its popularity in these markets, we support it. We have
+good UNIX on VAX and good UNIX on PDP-11s.
+ It is our belief, however, that serious professional users will run
+out of things they can do with UNIX. They'll want a real system and will end
+up doing VMS when they get to be serious about programming.
+ With UNIX, if you're looking for something, you can easily and quickly
+check that small manual and find out that it's not there. With VMS, no matter
+what you look for -- it's literally a five-foot shelf of documentation -- if
+you look long enough it's there. That's the difference -- the beauty of UNIX
+is it's simple; and the beauty of VMS is that it's all there.
+ -- Ken Olsen, president of DEC, DECWORLD Vol. 8 No. 5, 1984
+[It's been argued that the beauty of UNIX is the same as the beauty of Ken
+Olsen's brain. Ed.]
+%
+ page 46
+...a report citing a study by Dr. Thomas C. Chalmers, of the Mount Sinai
+Medical Center in New York, which compared two groups that were being used
+to test the theory that ascorbic acid is a cold preventative. "The group
+on placebo who thought they were on ascorbic acid," says Dr. Chalmers,
+"had fewer colds than the group on ascorbic acid who thought they were
+on placebo."
+ page 56
+The placebo is proof that there is no real separation between mind and body.
+Illness is always an interaction between both. It can begin in the mind and
+affect the body, or it can begin in the body and affect the mind, both of
+which are served by the same bloodstream. Attempts to treat most mental
+diseases as though they were completely free of physical causes and attempts
+to treat most bodily diseases as though the mind were in no way involved must
+be considered archaic in the light of new evidence about the way the human
+body functions.
+ -- Norman Cousins,
+ "Anatomy of an Illness as Perceived by the Patient"
+%
+ Penn's aunts made great apple pies at low prices. No one else in
+town could compete with the pie rates of Penn's aunts.
+ During the American Revolution, a Britisher tried to raid a farm. He
+stumbled across a rock on the ground and fell, whereupon an aggressive Rhode
+Island Red hopped on top. Seeing this, the farmer commented, "Chicken catch
+a Tory!"
+ A wife started serving chopped meat, Monday hamburger, Tuesday meat
+loaf, Wednesday tartar steak, and Thursday meatballs. On Friday morning her
+husband snarled, "How now, ground cow?"
+ A journalist, thrilled over his dinner, asked the chef for the recipe.
+Retorted the chef, "Sorry, we have the same policy as you journalists, we
+never reveal our sauce."
+ A new chef from India was fired a week after starting the job. He
+kept favoring curry.
+ A couple of kids tried using pickles instead of paddles for a Ping-Pong
+game. They had the volley of the Dills.
+%
+ People of all sorts of genders are reporting great difficulty,
+these days, in selecting the proper words to refer to those of the female
+persuasion.
+ "Lady," "woman," and "girl" are all perfectly good words, but
+misapplying them can earn one anything from the charge of vulgarity to a good
+swift smack. We are messing here with matters of deference, condescension,
+respect, bigotry, and two vague concepts, age and rank. It is troubling
+enough to get straight who is really what. Those who deliberately misuse
+the terms in a misbegotten attempt at flattery are asking for it.
+ A woman is any grown-up female person. A girl is the un-grown-up
+version. If you call a wee thing with chubby cheeks and pink hair ribbons a
+"woman," you will probably not get into trouble, and if you do, you will be
+able to handle it because she will be under three feet tall. However, if you
+call a grown-up by a child's name for the sake of implying that she has a
+youthful body, you are also implying that she has a brain to match.
+%
+ "Perhaps he is not honest," Mr. Frostee said inside Cobb's head,
+sounding a bit worried.
+ "Of course he isn't," Cobb answered. "What we have to look out for
+is him calling the cops anyway, or trying to blackmail us for more money."
+ "I think you should kill him and eat his brain," Mr. Frostee
+said quickly.
+ "That's not the answer to *every* problem in interpersonal relations,"
+Cobb said, hopping out.
+ -- Rudy Rucker, "Software"
+%
+ Phases of a Project:
+(1) Exultation.
+(2) Disenchantment.
+(3) Confusion.
+(4) Search for the Guilty.
+(5) Punishment for the Innocent.
+(6) Distinction for the Uninvolved.
+%
+ Price Wang's programmer was coding software. His fingers danced upon
+the keyboard. The program compiled without an error message, and the program
+ran like a gentle wind.
+ Excellent!" the Price exclaimed, "Your technique is faultless!"
+ "Technique?" said the programmer, turning from his terminal, "What I
+follow is the Tao -- beyond all technique. When I first began to program I
+would see before me the whole program in one mass. After three years I no
+longer saw this mass. Instead, I used subroutines. But now I see nothing.
+My whole being exists in a formless void. My senses are idle. My spirit,
+free to work without a plan, follows its own instinct. In short, my program
+writes itself. True, sometimes there are difficult problems. I see them
+coming, I slow down, I watch silently. Then I change a single line of code
+and the difficulties vanish like puffs of idle smoke. I then compile the
+program. I sit still and let the joy of the work fill my being. I close my
+eyes for a moment and then log off."
+ Price Wang said, "Would that all of my programmers were as wise!"
+ -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
+%
+ "Reintegration complete," ZORAC advised. "We're back in the
+universe again..." An unusually long pause followed, "...but I don't
+know which part. We seem to have changed our position in space." A
+spherical display in the middle of the floor illuminated to show the
+starfield surrounding the ship.
+ "Several large, artificial constructions are approaching us,"
+ZORAC announced after a short pause. "The designs are not familiar, but
+they are obviously the products of intelligence. Implications: we have
+been intercepted deliberately by a means unknown, for a purpose unknown,
+and transferred to a place unknown by a form of intelligence unknown.
+Apart from the unknowns, everything is obvious."
+ -- James P. Hogan, "Giants Star"
+%
+ Reporters like Bill Greider from the Washington Post and Him
+Naughton of the New York Times, for instance, had to file long, detailed,
+and relatively complex stories every day -- while my own deadline fell
+every two weeks -- but neither of them ever seemed in a hurry about
+getting their work done, and from time to time they would try to console
+me about the terrible pressure I always seemed to be laboring under.
+ Any $100-an-hour psychiatrist could probably explain this problem
+to me, in thirteen or fourteen sessions, but I don't have time for that.
+No doubt it has something to do with a deep-seated personality defect, or
+maybe a kink in whatever blood vessel leads into the pineal gland... On
+the other hand, it might be something as simple & basically perverse as
+whatever instinct it is that causes a jackrabbit to wait until the last
+possible second to dart across the road in front of a speeding car.
+ -- H.S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing: On the Campaign Trail"
+%
+ "Richard, in being so fierce toward my vampire, you were doing
+what you wanted to do, even though you thought it was going to hurt
+somebody else. He even told you he'd be hurt if..."
+ "He was going to suck my blood!"
+ "Which is what we do to anyone when we tell them we'll be hurt
+if they don't live our way."
+...
+ "The thing that puzzles you," he said, "is an accepted saying that
+happens to be impossible. The phrase is hurt somebody else. We choose,
+ourselves, to be hurt or not to be hurt, no matter what. Us who decides.
+Nobody else. My vampire told you he'd be hurt if you didn't let him? That's
+his decision to be hurt, that's his choice. What you do about it is your
+decision, your choice: give him blood; ignore him; tie him up; drive a stake
+through his heart. If he doesn't want the holly stake, he's free to resist,
+in whatever way he wants. It goes on and on, choices, choices."
+ "When you look at it that way..."
+ "Listen," he said, "it's important. We are all. Free. To do.
+Whatever. We want. To do."
+ -- Richard Bach, "Illusions"
+%
+ Risch's decision procedure for integration, not surprisingly,
+uses a recursion on the number and type of the extensions from the
+rational functions needed to represent the integrand. Although the
+algorithm follows and critically depends upon the appropriate structure
+of the input, as in the case of multivariate factorization, we cannot
+claim that the algorithm is a natural one. In fact, the creator of
+differential algebra, Ritt, committed suicide in the early 1950's,
+largely, it is claimed, because few paid attention to his work. Probably
+he would have received more attention had he obtained the algorithm as
+well.
+ -- Joel Moses, "Algorithms and Complexity", ed. J.F. Traub
+%
+ Robert Kennedy's 1964 Senatorial campaign planners told him that
+their intention was to present him to the television viewers as a sincere,
+generous person. "You going to use a double?" asked Kennedy.
+
+ Thumbing through a promotional pamphlet prepared for his 1964
+Senatorial campaign, Robert Kennedy came across a photograph of himself
+shaking hands with a well-known labor leader.
+ "There must be a better photo that this," said Kennedy to the
+advertising men in charge of his campaign.
+ "What's wrong with this one?" asked one adman.
+ "That fellow's in jail," said Kennedy.
+ -- Bill Adler, "The Washington Wits"
+%
+ SAFETY
+I can live without
+Someone I love
+But not without
+Someone I need.
+%
+ Sam went to his psychiatrist complaining of a hatred for elephants.
+"I can't stand elephants," he explained. "I lie awake nights despising
+them. The thought of an elephant fills me with loathing."
+ "Sam," said the psychiatrist, "there's only one thing for you to do.
+Go to Africa, organize a safari, find an elephant in the jungle and shoot it.
+That way you'll get it out of your system."
+ Sam immediately made arrangements for a safari hunt in Africa,
+inviting his best friend to join him. They arrived in Nairobi and lost no
+time getting out on the jungle trails. After they had been hunting for
+several days, Sam's best friend grabbed him by the arm one morning and
+yelled at him:
+ "Sam, Sam, Sam! Over there behind that tree there's and elephant!
+Sam -- Get your gun -- no, no, not THAT gun -- the rifle with the longer
+barrel! Now aim it! QUICK! SAM! QUICK! No! Not that way -- this way!
+Be sure you don't jerk the trigger! Wait SAM! Don't let him see you! Aim
+at his head!"
+ Sam whirled around, took aim, and killed his friend. He was put in
+prison and his psychiatrist flew to Africa to visit him. "I sent you over
+here to kill and elephant and instead you shoot your best friend," the
+psychiatrist said. "Why?"
+ "Well," Sam replied, "there's only one thing in the world that I
+hate more than elephants and that is a loudmouth know-it-all!"
+%
+ Seems George was playing his usual eighteen holes on Saturday
+afternoon. Teeing off from the 17th, he sliced into the rough over near
+the edge of the fairway. Just as he was about to chip out, he noticed a
+long funeral procession going past on a nearby street. Reverently, George
+removed his hat and stood at attention until the procession had passed.
+Then he continued his game, finishing with a birdie on the eighteenth.
+Later, at the clubhouse, a fellow golfer greet George. "Say, that was a
+nice gesture you made today, George.
+ "What do you mean?" asked George.
+ "Well, it was nice of you to take off your cap and stand
+respectfully when that funeral went by," the friend replied.
+ "Oh, yes," said George. "Well, we were married 17 years, you
+know."
+%
+ "Seven years and six months!" Humpty Dumpty repeated thoughtfully.
+"An uncomfortable sort of age. Now if you'd asked MY advice, I'd have
+said 'Leave off at seven' -- but it's too late now."
+ "I never ask advice about growing," Alice said indignantly.
+ "Too proud?" the other enquired.
+ Alice felt even more indignant at this suggestion. "I mean,"
+she said, "that one can't help growing older."
+ "ONE can't, perhaps," said Humpty Dumpty; "but TWO can. With
+proper assistance, you might have left off at seven."
+ -- Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking-Glass"
+%
+ Several students were asked to prove that all odd integers are prime.
+ The first student to try to do this was a math student. "Hmmm...
+Well, 1 is prime, 3 is prime, 5 is prime, and by induction, we have that all
+the odd integers are prime."
+ The second student to try was a man of physics who commented, "I'm not
+sure of the validity of your proof, but I think I'll try to prove it by
+experiment." He continues, "Well, 1 is prime, 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is
+prime, 9 is... uh, 9 is... uh, 9 is an experimental error, 11 is prime, 13
+is prime... Well, it seems that you're right."
+ The third student to try it was the engineering student, who responded,
+"Well, to be honest, actually, I'm not sure of your answer either. Let's
+see... 1 is prime, 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is... uh, 9 is...
+well, if you approximate, 9 is prime, 11 is prime, 13 is prime... Well, it
+does seem right."
+ Not to be outdone, the computer science student comes along and says
+"Well, you two sort've got the right idea, but you'll end up taking too long!
+I've just whipped up a program to REALLY go and prove it." He goes over to
+his terminal and runs his program. Reading the output on the screen he says,
+"1 is prime, 1 is prime, 1 is prime, 1 is prime..."
+%
+ "Sheriff, we gotta catch Black Bart."
+ "Oh, yeah? What's he look like?"
+ "Well, he's wearin' a paper hat, a paper shirt, paper pants and
+paper boots."
+ "What's he wanted for?"
+ "Rustling."
+%
+ Sixtus V, Pope from 1585 to 1590 authorized a printing of the
+Vulgate Bible. Taking no chances, the pope issued a papal bull
+automatically excommunicating any printer who might make an alteration
+in the text. This he ordered printed at the beginning of the Bible.
+He personally examined every sheet as it came off the press. Yet the
+published Vulgate Bible contained so many errors that corrected scraps
+had to be printed and pasted over them in every copy. The result
+provoked wry comments on the rather patchy papal infallibility, and
+Pope Sixtus had no recourse but to order the return and destruction of
+every copy.
+%
+ So Richard and I decided to try to catch [the small shark].
+With a great deal of strategy and effort and shouting, we managed to
+maneuver the shark, over the course of about a half-hour, to a sort of
+corner of the lagoon, so that it had no way to escape other than to
+flop up onto the land and evolve. Richard and I were inching toward
+it, sort of crouched over, when all of a sudden it turned around and --
+I can still remember the sensation I felt at that moment, primarily in
+the armpit area -- headed right straight toward us.
+ Many people would have panicked at this point. But Richard and
+I were not "many people." We were experienced waders, and we kept our
+heads. We did exactly what the textbook says you should do when you're
+unarmed and a shark that is nearly two feet long turns on you in water
+up to your lower calves: We sprinted I would say 600 yards in the
+opposite direction, using a sprinting style such that the bottoms of
+our feet never once went below the surface of the water. We ran all
+the way to the far shore, and if we had been in a Warner Brothers
+cartoon we would have run right INTO the beach, and you would have seen
+these two mounds of sand racing across the island until they bonked
+into trees and coconuts fell onto their heads.
+ -- Dave Barry, "The Wonders of Sharks on TV"
+%
+ Some 1500 miles west of the Big Apple we find the Minneapple, a
+haven of tranquility in troubled times. It's a good town, a civilized town.
+A town where they still know how to get your shirts back by Thursday. Let
+the Big Apple have the feats of "Broadway Joe" Namath. We have known the
+stolid but steady Killebrew. Listening to Cole Porter over a dry martini
+may well suit those unlucky enough never to have heard the Whoopee John Polka
+Band and never to have shared a pitcher of 3.2 Grain Belt Beer. The loss is
+theirs. And the Big Apple has yet to bake the bagel that can match peanut
+butter on lefse. Here is a town where the major urban problem is dutch elm
+disease and the number one crime is overtime parking. We boast more theater
+per capita than the Big Apple. We go to see, not to be seen. We go even
+when we must shovel ten inches of snow from the driveway to get there. Indeed
+the winters are fierce. But then comes the marvel of the Minneapple summer.
+People flock to the city's lakes to frolic and rejoice at the sight of so
+much happy humanity free from the bonds of the traditional down-filled parka.
+Here's to the Minneapple. And to its people. Our flair for style is balanced
+by a healthy respect for wind chill factors.
+ And we always, always eat our vegetables.
+ This is the Minneapple.
+%
+ Something mysterious is formed, born in the silent void. Waiting
+alone and unmoving, it is at once still and yet in constant motion. It is
+the source of all programs. I do not know its name, so I will call it the
+Tao of Programming.
+ If the Tao is great, then the operating system is great. If the
+operating system is great, then the compiler is great. If the compiler is
+greater, then the applications is great. The user is pleased and there is
+harmony in the world.
+ The Tao of Programming flows far away and returns on the wind of
+morning.
+ -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
+%
+ Somewhat alarmed at the continued growth of the number of employees
+on the Department of Agriculture payroll in 1962, Michigan Republican Robert
+Griffin proposed an amendment to the farm bill so that "the total number of
+employees in the Department of Agriculture at no time exceeds the number of
+farmers in America."
+ -- Bill Adler, "The Washington Wits"
+%
+ "Somewhere", said Father Vittorini, "did Blake not speak of the
+Machineries of Joy? That is, did not God promote environments, then
+intimidate these Natures by provoking the existence of flesh, toy men and
+women, such as are we all? And thus happily sent forth, at our best, with
+good grace and fine wit, on calm noons, in fair climes, are we not God's
+Machineries of Joy?"
+ "If Blake said that", said Father Brian, "he never lived in Dublin."
+ -- R. Bradbury, "The Machineries of Joy"
+%
+ Split 1/4 bottle .187 liters
+ Half 1/2 bottle
+ Bottle 750 milliliters
+ Magnum 2 bottles 1.5 liters
+ Jeroboam 4 bottles
+ Rehoboam 6 bottles Not available in the US
+ Methuselah 8 bottles
+ Salmanazar 12 bottles
+ Balthazar 16 bottles
+ Nebuchadnezzar 20 bottles 15 liters
+ Sovereign 34 bottles 26 liters
+
+ The Sovereign is a new bottle, made for the launching of the
+largest cruise ship in the world. The bottle alone cost 8,000 dollars
+to produce and they only made 8 of them.
+ Most of the funny names come from Biblical people.
+%
+ Stop! Whoever crosseth the bridge of Death, must answer first
+these questions three, ere the other side he see!
+
+ "What is your name?"
+ "Sir Brian of Bell."
+ "What is your quest?"
+ "I seek the Holy Grail."
+ "What are four lowercase letters that are not legal flag arguments
+to the Berkeley UNIX version of `ls'?"
+ "I, er.... AIIIEEEEEE!"
+%
+ Strange memories on this nervous night in Las Vegas. Five years later?
+Six? It seems like a lifetime, or at least a Main Era -- the kind of peak that
+never comes again. San Francisco in the middle sixties was a very special time
+and place to be a part of. Maybe it meant something. Maybe not, in the long
+run... There was madness in any direction, at any hour. If not across the
+Bay, then up the Golden Gate or down 101 to Los Altos or La Honda... You could
+strike sparks anywhere. There was a fantastic universal sense that whatever we
+were doing was right, that we were winning...
+ And that, I think, was the handle -- that sense of inevitable victory
+over the forces of Old and Evil. Not in any mean or military sense; we didn't
+need that. Our energy would simply prevail. There was no point in fighting
+-- on our side or theirs. We had all the momentum; we were riding the crest
+of a high and beautiful wave. So now, less than five years later, you can go
+up on a steep hill in Las Vegas and look West, and with the right kind of eyes
+you can almost see the high-water mark -- that place where the wave finally
+broke and rolled back.
+ -- Hunter S. Thompson
+%
+ Take the folks at Coca-Cola. For many years, they were content
+to sit back and make the same old carbonated beverage. It was a good
+beverage, no question about it; generations of people had grown up
+drinking it and doing the experiment in sixth grade where you put a
+nail into a glass of Coke and after a couple of days the nail dissolves
+and the teacher says: "Imagine what it does to your TEETH!" So Coca-Cola
+was solidly entrenched in the market, and the management saw no need to
+improve ...
+ -- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence"
+%
+ "That wife of mine is a liar," said the angry husband to a
+sympathetic pal seated next to him in a bar.
+ "How do you know?" the friend asked.
+ "She didn't come home last night, and when I asked her where
+she'd been she said she'd spent the night with her sister Shirley."
+ "So?"
+ "So, she's a liar. I spent the night with her sister Shirley."
+%
+ "That's right; the upper-case shift works fine on the screen, but
+they're not coming out on the damn printer... Hold? Sure, I'll hold."
+ -- e.e. cummings last service call
+%
+ "The best thing for being sad," replied Merlin, beginning to puff
+and blow, "is to learn something. That's the only thing that never fails.
+You may grow old and trembling in your anatomies, you may lie awake at
+night listening to the disorder of your veins, you may miss your only love,
+you may see the world about you devastated by evil lunatics, or know your
+honour trampled in the sewers of baser minds. There is only one thing for
+it then -- to learn. Learn why the world wags and what wags it. That is
+the only thing which the mind can never exhaust, never alienate, never be
+tortured by, never fear or distrust, and never dream of regretting. Learning
+is the only thing for you. Look what a lot of things there are to learn."
+ -- T.H. White, "The Once and Future King"
+%
+ The big problem with pornography is defining it. You can't just
+say it's pictures of people naked. For example, you have these
+primitive African tribes that exist by chasing the wildebeest on foot,
+and they have to go around largely naked, because, as the old tribal
+saying goes: "N'wam k'honi soit qui mali," which means, "If you think
+you can catch a wildebeest in this climate and wear clothes at the same
+time, then I have some beach front property in the desert region of
+Northern Mali that you may be interested in."
+ So it's not considered pornographic when National Geographic
+publishes color photographs of these people hunting the wildebeest
+naked, or pounding one rock onto another rock for some primitive reason
+naked, or whatever. But if National Geographic were to publish an
+article entitled "The Girls of the California Junior College System
+Hunt the Wildebeest Naked," some people would call it pornography. But
+others would not. And still others, such as the Spectacularly Rev.
+Jerry Falwell, would get upset about seeing the wildebeest naked.
+ -- Dave Barry, "Pornography"
+%
+ The birds are singing, the flowers are budding, and it is time
+for Miss Manners to tell young lovers to stop necking in public.
+ It's not that Miss Manners is immune to romance. Miss Manners
+has been known to squeeze a gentleman's arm while being helped over a
+curb, and, in her wild youth, even to press a dainty slipper against a
+foot or two under the dinner table. Miss Manners also believes that the
+sight of people strolling hand in hand or arm in arm or arm in hand
+dresses up a city considerably more than the more familiar sight of
+people shaking umbrellas at one another. What Miss Manners objects to
+is the kind of activity that frightens the horses on the street...
+%
+ The boss returned from lunch in a good mood and called the whole staff
+in to listen to a couple of jokes he had picked up. Everybody but one girl
+laughed uproariously. "What's the matter?" grumbled the boss. "Haven't you
+got a sense of humor?"
+ "I don't have to laugh," she said. "I'm leaving Friday anyway.
+%
+ The defense attorney was hammering away at the plaintiff:
+"You claim," he jeered, "that my client came at you with a broken bottle
+in his hand. But is it not true, that you had something in YOUR hand?"
+ "Yes," the man admitted, "his wife. Very charming, of course,
+but not much good in a fight."
+%
+ The devout Jew was beside himself because his son had been dating
+a shiksa, so he went to visit his rabbi. The rabbi listened solemnly to
+his problem, took his hand, and said, "Pray to God."
+ So the Jew went to the synagogue, bowed his head, and prayed, "God,
+please help me. My son, my favorite son, he's going to marry a shiksa, he
+sees nothing but goyim..."
+ "Your son," boomed down this voice from the heavens, "you think
+you got problems. What about my son?"
+%
+ The doctor had just finished giving the young man a thorough
+physical examination. "The best thing for you to do," the M.D. said,
+"is give up drinking, give up smoking, get to bed early and stay away
+from women."
+ "Doc, I don't deserve the best," pleaded his patient. "What's
+second best?"
+%
+ The FIELD GUIDE to NORTH AMERICAN MALES
+
+SPECIES: Cranial Males
+SUBSPECIES: The Hacker (homo computatis)
+Courtship & Mating:
+ Due to extreme deprivation, HOMO COMPUTATIS maintains a near perpetual
+ state of sexual readiness. Courtship behavior alternates between
+ awkward shyness and abrupt advances. When he finally mates, he
+ chooses a female engineer with an unblinking stare, a tight mouth, and
+ a complete collection of Campbell's soup-can recipes.
+Track:
+ Trash cans full of pale green and white perforated paper and old
+ copies of the Allen-Bradley catalog.
+Comments:
+ Extremely fond of bad puns and jokes that need long explanations.
+%
+ The FIELD GUIDE to NORTH AMERICAN MALES
+
+SPECIES: Cranial Males
+SUBSPECIES: The Hacker (homo computatis)
+Description:
+ Gangly and frail, the hacker has a high forehead and thinning hair.
+ Head disproportionately large and crooked forward, complexion wan and
+ sightly gray from CRT illumination. He has heavy black-rimmed glasses
+ and a look of intense concentration, which may be due to a software
+ problem or to a pork-and-bean breakfast.
+Feathering:
+ HOMO COMPUTATIS saw a Brylcreem ad fifteen years ago and believed it.
+ Consequently, crest is greased down, except for the cowlick.
+Song:
+ A rather plaintive "Is it up?"
+%
+ The FIELD GUIDE to NORTH AMERICAN MALES
+
+SPECIES: Cranial Males
+SUBSPECIES: The Hacker (homo computatis)
+Plumage:
+ All clothes have a slightly crumpled look as though they came off the
+ top of the laundry basket. Style varies with status. Hacker managers
+ wear gray polyester slacks, pink or pastel shirts with wide collars,
+ and paisley ties; staff wears cinched-up baggy corduroy pants, white
+ or blue shirts with button-down collars, and penholder in pocket.
+ Both managers and staff wear running shoes to work, and a black
+ plastic digital watch with calculator.
+%
+ The foreman of a lumber camp put a new workman on the circular saw.
+As he turned away, he heard the man say, "Ouch!".
+ "What happened?"
+ "Dunno," replied the man. "I just stuck out my hand like this, and
+-- well, I'll be damned. There goes another one!"
+%
+ The General disliked trying to explain the highly technical
+inner workings of the U.S. Air Force.
+ "$7,662 for a ten cup coffee maker, General?" the Senator asked.
+ In his head he ran through his standard explanations. "It's not so,"
+he thought. "It's a deterrent." Soon he came up with, "It's computerized,
+Senator. Tiny computer chips make coffee that's smooth and full-bodied. Try
+a cup."
+ The Senator did. "Pfffttt! Tastes like jet fuel!"
+ "It's not so," the General thought. "It's a deterrent."
+ Then he remembered something. "We bought a lot of untested computer
+chips," the General answered. "They got into everything. Just a little
+mix-up. Nothing serious."
+ Then he remembered something else. It was at the site of the
+mysterious B-1 crash. A strange smell in the fuel lines. It smelled like
+coffee. Smooth and full bodied...
+ -- Another Episode of General's Hospital
+%
+ The geographical center of Boston is in Roxbury. Due north of
+the center we find the South End. This is not to be confused with South
+Boston which lies directly east from the South End. North of the South
+End is East Boston and southwest of East Boston is the North End.
+%
+ The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy has a few things to say on
+the subject of towels.
+ Most importantly, a towel has immense psychological value. For
+some reason, if a non-hitchhiker discovers that a hitchhiker has his towel
+with him, he will automatically assume that he is also in possession of a
+toothbrush, washcloth, flask, gnat spray, space suit, etc., etc. Furthermore,
+the non-hitchhiker will then happily lend the hitchhiker any of these or
+a dozen other items that he may have "lost". After all, any man who can
+hitch the length and breadth of the Galaxy, struggle against terrible odds,
+win through and still know where his towel is, is clearly a man to be
+reckoned with.
+%
+ The Hitchiker's Guide to the Galaxy has a few things to say on
+the subject of towels.
+ A towel, it says, is about the most massively useful thing an
+interstellar hitchhiker can have. Partly it has great practical value.
+You can wrap it around you for warmth as you bound across the cold moons
+of Jaglan Beta; you can lie on it on the brilliant marble-sanded beaches
+of Santraginus V ... use it to sail a miniraft down the slow heavy River
+Moth; wave your towel in emergencies, and, of course, dry yourself off
+with it if it still seems to be clean enough.
+%
+ The honeymooning couple agreed it was a fine day for horseback riding.
+After a mile or so, the bride's mount cantered under a low tree and a
+branch scraped her forehead lightly. The groom dismounted, glared at his
+wife's horse, and said, "That's number one."
+ The ride then proceeded. After another mile or so, the bride's
+horse stumbled over a pebble and the lady suffered a slight jostling.
+Again, her man leapt from his saddle and strode over to the nervous animal.
+"That's two," he said.
+ Five miles later, the bride's horse became frightened when a rabbit
+crossed its path, reared up and threw the girl. Immediately, the groom was
+off his horse. "That's three!", he shouted, and, pulling out a pistol, he
+shot the horse between the eyes.
+ "You brute!" shrieked his bride. "Now I see the kind of man I
+married! You're a sadist, that's what!"
+ The groom turned to her coolly. "That's one," he said.
+%
+ The Lord and I are in a sheep-shepherd relationship, and I am in
+a position of negative need.
+ He prostrates me in a green-belt grazing area.
+ He conducts me directionally parallel to non-torrential aqueous
+liquid.
+ He returns to original satisfaction levels my psychological makeup.
+ He switches me on to a positive behavioral format for maximal
+prestige of His identity.
+ It should indeed be said that notwithstanding the fact that I make
+ambulatory progress through the umbragious inter-hill mortality slot, terror
+sensations will no be initiated in me, due to para-etical phenomena.
+ Your pastoral walking aid and quadrupic pickup unit introduce me
+into a pleasurific mood state.
+ You design and produce a nutriment-bearing furniture-type structure
+in the context of non-cooperative elements.
+ You act out a head-related folk ritual employing vegetable extract.
+ My beverage utensil experiences a volume crisis.
+ It is an ongoing deductible fact that your inter-relational
+empathetical and non-ventious capabilities will retain me as their
+target-focus for the duration of my non-death period, and I will possess
+tenant rights in the housing unit of the Lord on a permanent, open-ended
+time basis.
+%
+ The Magician of the Ivory Tower brought his latest invention for the
+master programmer to examine. The magician wheeled a large black box into the
+master's office while the master waited in silence.
+ "This is an integrated, distributed, general-purpose workstation,"
+began the magician, "ergonomically designed with a proprietary operating
+system, sixth generation languages, and multiple state of the art user
+interfaces. It took my assistants several hundred man years to construct.
+Is it not amazing?"
+ The master raised his eyebrows slightly. "It is indeed amazing," he
+said.
+ "Corporate Headquarters has commanded," continued the magician, "that
+everyone use this workstation as a platform for new programs. Do you agree
+to this?"
+ "Certainly," replied the master, "I will have it transported to the
+data center immediately!" And the magician returned to his tower, well
+pleased.
+ Several days later, a novice wandered into the office of the master
+programmer and said, "I cannot find the listing for my new program. Do
+you know where it might be?"
+ "Yes," replied the master, "the listings are stacked on the platform
+in the data center."
+ -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
+%
+ The Martian landed his saucer in Manhattan, and immediately upon
+emerging was approached by a panhandler. "Mister," said the man, "can I
+have a quarter?"
+ The Martian asked, "What's a quarter?"
+ The panhandler thought a minute, brightened, then said, "You're
+right! Can I have a dollar?"
+%
+ The master programmer moves from program to program without fear. No
+change in management can harm him. He will not be fired, even if the project
+is canceled. Why is this? He is filled with the Tao.
+ -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
+%
+ The Minnesota Board of Education voted to consider requiring all
+students to do some "volunteer work" as a prerequisite to high school gradu-
+ation.
+ Senator Orrin Hatch said that "capital punishment is our society's
+recognition of the sanctity of human life."
+
+ According to the tax bill signed by President Reagan on December 22,
+1987, Don Tyson and his sister-in-law Barbara run a "family farm." Their
+"farm" has 25,000 employees and grosses $1.7 billion a year. But as a "family
+farm" they get tax breaks that save them $135 million a year.
+
+ Scott L. Pickard, spokesperson for the Massachusetts Department of
+Public Works, calls them "ground-mounted confirmatory route markers." You
+probably call them road signs, but then you don't work in a government agency.
+
+ It's not "elderly" or "senior citizens" anymore. Now it's "chrono-
+logically experienced citizens."
+
+ According to the FAA, the propeller blade didn't break off, it was
+just a case of "uncontained blade liberation."
+ -- Quarterly Review of Doublespeak (NCTE)
+%
+ "...The name of the song is called 'Haddocks' Eyes'!"
+ "Oh, that's the name of the song, is it?" Alice said, trying to
+feel interested.
+ "No, you don't understand," the Knight said, looking a little
+vexed. "That's what the name is called. The name really is, 'The Aged
+Aged Man.'"
+ "Then I ought to have said "That's what the song is called'?"
+Alice corrected herself.
+ "No, you oughtn't: that's quite another thing! The song is
+called 'Ways and Means': but that's only what it is called you know!"
+ "Well, what is the song then?" said Alice, who was by this
+time completely bewildered.
+ "I was coming to that," the Knight said. "The song really is
+"A-sitting on a Gate": and the tune's my own invention."
+ --Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking Glass"
+%
+ The only real game in the world, I think, is baseball...
+You've got to start way down, at the bottom, when you're six or seven years
+old. You can't wait until you're fifteen or sixteen. You've got to let it
+grow up with you, and if you're successful and you try hard enough, you're
+bound to come out on top, just like these boys have come to the top now.
+ -- Babe Ruth, in his 1948 farewell speech at Yankee Stadium
+%
+ The Priest's grey nimbus in a niche where he dressed discreetly.
+I will not sleep here tonight. Home also I cannot go.
+ A voice, sweetened and sustained, called to him from the sea.
+Turning the curve he waved his hand. A sleek brown head, a seal's, far
+out on the water, round. Usurper.
+ -- James Joyce, "Ulysses"
+%
+ The problem with engineers is that they tend to cheat in order to
+get results.
+ The problem with mathematicians is that they tend to work on toy
+problems in order to get results
+ The problem with program verifiers is that they tend to cheat at
+toy problems in order to get results.
+%
+ The programmers of old were mysterious and profound. We cannot fathom
+their thoughts, so all we do is describe their appearance.
+ Aware, like a fox crossing the water. Alert, like a general on the
+battlefield. Kind, like a hostess greeting her guests. Simple, like uncarved
+blocks of wood. Opaque, like black pools in darkened caves.
+ Who can tell the secrets of their hearts and minds?
+ The answer exists only in the Tao.
+ -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
+%
+ The salesman and the system analyst took off to spend a weekend in the
+forest, hunting bear. They'd rented a cabin, and, when they got there, took
+their backpacks off and put them inside. At which point the salesman turned
+to his friend, and said, "You unpack while I go and find us a bear."
+ Puzzled, the analyst finished unpacking and then went and sat down
+on the porch. Soon he could hear rustling noises in the forest. The noises
+got nearer -- and louder -- and suddenly there was the salesman, running like
+hell across the clearing toward the cabin, pursued by one of the largest and
+most ferocious grizzly bears the analyst had ever seen.
+ "Open the door!", screamed the salesman.
+ The analyst whipped open the door, and the salesman ran to the door,
+suddenly stopped, and stepped aside. The bear, unable to stop, continued
+through the door and into the cabin. The salesman slammed the door closed
+and grinned at his friend. "Got him!", he exclaimed, "now, you skin this
+one and I'll go rustle us up another!"
+%
+ The Soviet pre-eminence in chess can be traced to the average
+Russian's readiness to brood obsessively over anything, even the arrangement
+of some pieces of wood. Indeed, the Russians' predisposition for quiet
+reflection followed by sudden preventive action explains why they led the
+field for many years in both chess and ax murders. It is well known that as
+early as 1970, the U.S.S.R., aware of what a defeat at Reykjavik would do to
+national prestige, implemented a vigorous program of preparation and
+incentive. Every day for an entire year, a team of psychologists, chess
+analysts and coaches met with the top three Russian grand masters and
+threatened them with a pointy stick. That these tactics proved fruitless
+is now a part of chess history and a further testament to the American way,
+which provides that if you want something badly enough, you can always go to
+Iceland and get it from the Russians.
+ -- Marshall Brickman, "Playboy"
+%
+ The Tao gave birth to machine language. Machine language gave birth
+to the assembler.
+ The assembler gave birth to the compiler. Now there are ten thousand
+languages.
+ Each language has its purpose, however humble. Each language
+expresses the Yin and Yang of software. Each language has its place within
+the Tao.
+ But do not program in COBOL if you can avoid it.
+ -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
+%
+ The way my jeweler explained it, it's like insurance.
+ Six months' pay isn't much to keep my wife from sleeping around.
+
+A diamond -- pure, sparkling, natural, flawless, forever. The way marriage
+should be but never quite is. People grow and change and sometimes want to
+take their clothes off with strangers. So when you invest in a fine piece
+of diamond jewelry, you're not only making an investment, you're making a
+statement. You're telling the woman you love that you've just spent a lot
+of your hard-earned money on her. Now she owes you the kind of loyalty that
+only precious jewelry can buy. Isn't she worth it?
+
+ The Honeymoon's Over: from $ 5000
+ The Seven Year Itch: from $10000
+ No More Lunchtime Quickies: from $15000
+ Divorce Would Be More Expensive: from $42000
+
+ A diamond is for leverage. BeDears
+%
+ The wise programmer is told about the Tao and follows it. The average
+programmer is told about the Tao and searches for it. The foolish programmer
+is told about the Tao and laughs at it. If it were not for laughter, there
+would be no Tao.
+ The highest sounds are the hardest to hear. Going forward is a way to
+retreat. Greater talent shows itself late in life. Even a perfect program
+still has bugs.
+ -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
+%
+ THE WOMBAT
+
+The wombat lives across the seas,
+Among the far Antipodes.
+He may exist on nuts and berries,
+Or then again, on missionaries;
+His distant habitat precludes
+Conclusive knowledge of his moods.
+But I would not engage the wombat
+In any form of mortal combat.
+%
+ The world's most avid baseball fan (an Aggie) had arrived at the
+stadium for the first game of the World Series only to realize he had left
+his ticket at home. Not wanting to miss any of the first inning, he went
+to the ticket booth and got in a long line for another seat. After an hour's
+wait he was just a few feet from the booth when a voice called out, "Hey,
+Dave!" The Aggie looked up, stepped out of line and tried to find the owner
+of the voice -- with no success. Then he realized he had lost his place in
+line and had to wait all over again. When the fan finally bought his ticket,
+he was thirsty, so he went to buy a drink. The line at the concession stand
+was long, too, but since the game hadn't started he decided to wait. Just as
+he got to the window, a voice called out, "Hey, Dave!" Again the Aggie tried
+to find the voice -- but no luck. He was very upset as he got back in line
+for his drink. Finally the fan went to his seat, eager for the game to begin.
+As he waited for the pitch, he heard the voice calling, "Hey Dave!" once more.
+Furious, he stood up and yelled at the top of his lungs, "My name is not
+Dave!"
+%
+ Them Toad Suckers
+
+How 'bout them toad suckers, ain't they clods?
+Sittin' there suckin' them green toady frogs!
+
+Suckin' them hop toads, suckin' them chunkers,
+Suckin' them a leapy type, suckin' them flunkers.
+
+Look at them toad suckers, ain't they snappy?
+Suckin' them bog frogs sure make's 'em happy!
+
+Them hugger mugger toad suckers, way down south,
+Stickin' them sucky toads in they mouth!
+
+How to be a toad sucker, no way to duck it,
+Get yourself a toad, rear back, and suck it!
+ -- Mason Williams
+%
+ Then a man said: Speak to us of Expectations.
+
+ He then said: If a man does not see or hear the waters of the
+Jordan, then he should not taste the pomegranate or ply his wares in an
+open market.
+
+ If a man would not labour in the salt and rock quarries then he
+should not accept of the Earth that which he refuses to give of
+himself.
+
+ Such a man would expect a pear of a peach tree.
+ Such a man would expect a stone to lay an egg.
+ Such a man would expect Sears to assemble a lawnmower.
+ -- Kehlog Albran
+%
+ Then there's the atmosphere -- half the time you can eat the air,
+it's got so much stuff floating around in it. It takes the edge out of
+the colors. Down here even the traffic lights are pastel. And people!
+With a lot of these folks you'd have to check their green cards just to
+make sure that they are Earthlings. Then there's the police. In Portland,
+when some guy goes bananas, the cops rope off a sixteen block area around
+him and call a shrink from the medical school who stands atop a patrol car
+with a megaphone and shouts, "OK! THIS! ALL! STARTED! WHEN! YOU! WERE!
+THREE! YEARS! OLD! ON! ACCOUNT! OF! YOUR MOTHER! RIGHT? SO! LET'S!
+TALK! ABOUT! IT!" Down here they don't waste that kind of time. The LAPD
+has SWAT teams composed of guys who make Darth Vader look like Mr. Peepers.
+Before they go to bust a bookie joint they mortar it first.
+ -- M. Christensen, "A Portland Innocent in LA"
+%
+ Then there's the story of the man who avoided reality for 70 years
+with drugs, sex, alcohol, fantasy, TV, movies, records, a hobby, lots of
+sleep... And on his 80th birthday died without ever having faced any of
+his real problems.
+ The man's younger brother, who had been facing reality and all his
+problems for 50 years with psychiatrists, nervous breakdowns, tics, tension,
+headaches, worry, anxiety and ulcers, was so angry at his brother for having
+gotten away scott free that he had a paralyzing stroke.
+ The moral to this story is that there ain't no justice that we can
+stand to live with.
+ -- R. Geis
+%
+ "Then what is magic for?" Prince Lir demanded wildly. "What use is
+wizardry if it cannot save a unicorn?" He gripped the magician's shoulder
+hard, to keep from falling.
+ Schmendrick did not turn his head. With a touch of sad mockery in
+his voice, he said, "That's what heroes are for."
+...
+ "Yes, of course," he [Prince Lir] said. "That is exactly what heroes
+are for. Wizards make no difference, so they say that nothing does, but
+heroes are meant to die for unicorns."
+ -- P. Beagle, "The Last Unicorn"
+%
+ There are some goyisha names that just about guarantee that
+someone isn't Jewish. For example, you'll never meet a Jew named
+Johnson or Wright or Jones or Sinclair or Ricks or Stevenson or Reid or
+Larsen or Jenks. But some goyisha names just about guarantee that
+every other person you meet with that name will be Jewish. Why is
+this?
+ Who knows? Learned rabbis have pondered this question for
+centuries and have failed to come up with an answer, and you think you
+can find one? Get serious. You don't even understand why it's
+forbidden to eat crab -- fresh cold crab with mayonnaise -- or lobster
+-- soft tender morsels of lobster dipped in melted butter. You don't
+even understand a simple thing like that, and yet you hope to discover
+why there are more Jews named Miller than Katz? Fat Chance.
+ -- Arthur Naiman
+%
+ There once was a man who went to a computer trade show. Each day as
+he entered, the man told the guard at the door:
+ "I am a great thief, renowned for my feats of shoplifting. Be
+forewarned, for this trade show shall not escape unplundered."
+ This speech disturbed the guard greatly, because there were millions
+of dollars of computer equipment inside, so he watched the man carefully.
+But the man merely wandered from booth to booth, humming quietly to himself.
+ When the man left, the guard took him aside and searched his clothes,
+but nothing was to be found.
+ On the next day of the trade show, the man returned and chided the
+guard saying: "I escaped with a vast booty yesterday, but today will be even
+better." So the guard watched him ever more closely, but to no avail.
+ On the final day of the trade show, the guard could restrain his
+curiosity no longer. "Sir Thief," he said, "I am so perplexed, I cannot live
+in peace. Please enlighten me. What is it that you are stealing?"
+ The man smiled. "I am stealing ideas," he said.
+ -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
+%
+ There once was a master programmer who wrote unstructured programs.
+A novice programmer, seeking to imitate him, also began to write unstructured
+programs. When the novice asked the master to evaluate his progress, the
+master criticized him for writing unstructured programs, saying: "What is
+appropriate for the master is not appropriate for the novice. You must
+understand the Tao before transcending structure."
+ -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
+%
+ There once was this swami who lived above a delicatessan. Seems one
+day he decided to stop in downstairs for some fresh liver. Well, the owner
+of the deli was a bit of a cheap-skate, and decided to pick up a little extra
+change at his customer's expense. Turning quietly to the counterman, he
+whispered, "Weigh down upon the swami's liver!"
+%
+ There was a college student trying to earn some pocket money by
+going from house to house offering to do odd jobs. He explained this to
+a man who answered one door.
+ "How much will you charge to paint my porch?" asked the man.
+ "Forty dollars."
+ "Fine" said the man, and gave the student the paint and brushes.
+ Three hours later the paint-splattered lad knocked on the door again.
+"All done!", he says, and collects his money. "By the way," the student says,
+"That's not a Porsche, it's a Ferrari."
+%
+ There was a knock on the door. Mrs. Miffin opened it. "Are
+you the Widow Miffin?" a small boy asked.
+ "I'm Mrs. Miffin," she replied, "but I'm not a widow."
+ "Oh, no?" replied the little boy. "Wait 'til you see what
+they're carrying upstairs!"
+%
+ There was a mad scientist (a mad... social... scientist) who kidnapped
+three colleagues, an engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician, and locked
+each of them in separate cells with plenty of canned food and water but no
+can opener.
+ A month later, returning, the mad scientist went to the engineer's
+cell and found it long empty. The engineer had constructed a can opener from
+pocket trash, used aluminum shavings and dried sugar to make an explosive,
+and escaped.
+ The physicist had worked out the angle necessary to knock the lids
+off the tin cans by throwing them against the wall. She was developing a good
+pitching arm and a new quantum theory.
+ The mathematician had stacked the unopened cans into a surprising
+solution to the kissing problem; his dessiccated corpse was propped calmly
+against a wall, and this was inscribed on the floor:
+ Theorem: If I can't open these cans, I'll die.
+ Proof: assume the opposite...
+%
+ There was once a programmer who was attached to the court of the
+warlord of Wu. The warlord asked the programmer: "Which is easier to design:
+an accounting package or an operating system?"
+ "An operating system," replied the programmer.
+ The warlord uttered an exclamation of disbelief. "Surely an
+accounting package is trivial next to the complexity of an operating
+system," he said.
+ "Not so," said the programmer, "when designing an accounting package,
+the programmer operates as a mediator between people having different ideas:
+how it must operate, how its reports must appear, and how it must conform to
+the tax laws. By contrast, an operating system is not limited my outside
+appearances. When designing an operating system, the programmer seeks the
+simplest harmony between machine and ideas. This is why an operating system
+is easier to design."
+ The warlord of Wu nodded and smiled. "That is all good and well, but
+which is easier to debug?"
+ The programmer made no reply.
+ -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
+%
+ There was once a programmer who was attached to the court of the
+warlord Wu. The warlord asked the programmer: "Which is easier to design:
+an accounting package or an operating system?"
+ "An operating system," replied the programmer.
+ The warlord uttered an exclamation of disbelief. "Surely an
+accounting package is trivial next to the complexity of an operating
+system," he said.
+ "Not so," said the programmer, "when designing an accounting package,
+the programmer operates as a mediator between people having different ideas:
+how it must operate, how its reports must appear, and how it must conform to
+tax laws. By contrast, an operating system is not limited by outward
+appearances. When designing an operating system, the programmer seeks the
+simplest harmony between machine and ideas. This is why an operating system
+is easier to design."
+ The warlord of Wu nodded and smiled. "That is all good and well,"
+he said, "but which is easier to debug?"
+ The programmer made no reply.
+ -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
+%
+ There was once a programmer who worked upon microprocessors. "Look at
+how well off I am here," he said to a mainframe programmer who came to visit,
+"I have my own operating system and file storage device. I do not have to
+share my resources with anyone. The software is self-consistent and
+easy-to-use. Why do you not quit your present job and join me here?"
+ The mainframe programmer then began to describe his system to his
+friend, saying: "The mainframe sits like an ancient sage meditating in the
+midst of the data center. Its disk drives lie end-to-end like a great ocean
+of machinery. The software is a multi-faceted as a diamond and as convoluted
+as a primeval jungle. The programs, each unique, move through the system
+like a swift-flowing river. That is why I am happy where I am."
+ The microcomputer programmer, upon hearing this, fell silent. But the
+two programmers remained friends until the end of their days.
+ -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
+%
+ They are fools that think that wealth or women or strong drink or even
+drugs can buy the most in effort out of the soul of a man. These things offer
+pale pleasures compared to that which is greatest of them all, that task which
+demands from him more than his utmost strength, that absorbs him, bone and
+sinew and brain and hope and fear and dreams -- and still calls for more.
+ They are fools that think otherwise. No great effort was ever bought.
+No painting, no music, no poem, no cathedral in stone, no church, no state was
+ever raised into being for payment of any kind. No parthenon, no Thermopylae
+was ever built or fought for pay or glory; no Bukhara sacked, or China ground
+beneath Mongol heel, for loot or power alone. The payment for doing these
+things was itself the doing of them.
+ To wield onself -- to use oneself as a tool in one's own hand -- and
+so to make or break that which no one else can build or ruin -- THAT is the
+greatest pleasure known to man! To one who has felt the chisel in his hand
+and set free the angel prisoned in the marble block, or to one who has felt
+sword in hand and set homeless the soul that a moment before lived in the body
+of his mortal enemy -- to those both come alike the taste of that rare food
+spread only for demons or for gods."
+ -- Gordon R. Dickson, "Soldier Ask Not"
+%
+ "They spend years searching for their natural parents, convinced their
+parents will be happy to see them. I mean, really, can you imagine someone
+being happy to see an orphan? Nobody wants them... that's why they're orphans!"
+ The speaker is Anne Baker, founder and guiding force behind
+Orphan-Off, an organization dedicated to keeping orphans confused about the
+whereabouts of their natural parents. She is a woman with a mission:
+ "Basically, what we do is band together to exchange information
+about which orphans are looking for which parents in what part of the
+country. We're completely computerized.
+ "The idea is to throw the orphans as many red herrings and false
+leads as possible. We'll tell some twenty-three-year-old loser that his
+real parents can be found at a certain address on the other side of the
+country. Well, by the time the kid shows up, the family is prepared. They
+look over the kid's photos and information and they say, 'Oh, the Emersons...
+yeah, they used to live here... I think they moved out about five years ago.
+I think they went to Iowa, or maybe Idaho.'
+ "Bam, the door shuts in the kid's face and he's back to zero again.
+He's got nothing to go on but the orphan's pathetic determination to continue.
+ "It's really amazing how much these kids will put up with. Last year
+we even sent one kid all the way to Australia. I mean, really. Besides, if
+your natural parents were Australian, would you want to meet them?"
+ -- "National Lampoon", September, 1984
+%
+ This is where the bloodthirsty license agreement is supposed to go,
+explaining that Interactive Easyflow is a copyrighted package licensed for
+use by a single person, and sternly warning you not to pirate copies of it
+and explaining, in detail, the gory consequences if you do.
+ We know that you are an honest person, and are not going to go around
+pirating copies of Interactive Easyflow; this is just as well with us since
+we worked hard to perfect it and selling copies of it is our only method of
+making anything out of all the hard work.
+ If, on the other hand, you are one of those few people who do go
+around pirating copies of software you probably aren't going to pay much
+attention to a license agreement, bloodthirsty or not. Just keep your doors
+locked and look out for the HavenTree attack shark.
+ -- License Agreement for Interactive Easyflow
+%
+ Thompson, if he is to be believed, has sampled the entire rainbow of
+legal and illegal drugs in heroic efforts to feel better than he does.
+ As for the truth about his health: I have asked around about it. I
+am told that he appears to be strong and rosy, and steadily sane. But we
+will be doing what he wants us to do, I think, if we consider his exterior
+a sort of Dorian Gray facade. Inwardly, he is being eaten alive by tinhorn
+politicians.
+ The disease is fatal. There is no known cure. The most we can do
+for the poor devil, it seems to me, is to name his disease in his honor.
+From this moment on, let all those who feel that Americans can be as easily
+led to beauty as to ugliness, to truth as to public relations, to joy as to
+bitterness, be said to be suffering from Hunter Thompson's disease. I don't
+have it this morning. It comes and goes. This morning I don't have Hunter
+Thompson's disease.
+ -- Kurt Vonnegut Jr., on Dr. Hunter S. Thompson: Excerpt
+ from "A Political Disease", Vonnegut's review of "Fear and
+ Loathing: On the Campaign Trail '72"
+%
+ To A Quick Young Fox
+Why jog exquisite bulk, fond crazy vamp,
+Daft buxom jonquil, zephyr's gawky vice?
+Guy fed by work, quiz Jove's xanthic lamp--
+Zow! Qualms by deja vu gyp fox-kin thrice.
+ -- Lazy Dog
+%
+ To lose weight, eat less; to gain weight, eat more; if you merely
+wish to maintain, do whatever you were doing.
+ The Bronx diet is a legitimate system of food therapy showing that
+food SHOULD be used a crutch and which food could be the most effective in
+promoting spiritual and emotional satisfaction. For the first time, an
+eater could instantly grasp the connection between relieving depression and
+Mallomars, and understand why a lover's quarrel isn't so bad if there's a
+pint of ice cream nearby.
+ -- Richard Smith, "The Bronx Diet"
+%
+ Two men looked out from the prison bars,
+ One saw mud--
+ The other saw stars.
+
+Now let me get this right: two prisoners are looking out the window.
+While one of them was looking at all the mud -- the other one got hit
+in the head.
+%
+ Two parent drops spent months teaching their son how to be part of the
+ocean. After months of training, the father drop commented to the mother drop,
+"We've taught our boy everything we know, he's fit to be tide."
+ After Snow White used a couple rolls of film taking pictures of the
+seven dwarfs, she mailed the roll to be developed. Later she was heard to
+sing, "Some day my prints will come."
+ A boy spent years collecting postage stamps. The girl next door bought
+an album too, and started her own collection. "Dad, she buys everything I've
+bought, and it's taken all the fun out of it for me. I'm quitting." Don't,
+son, remember, 'Imitation is the sincerest form of philately.'"
+ A young girl, Carmen Cohen, was called by her last name by her father,
+and her first name by her mother. By the time she was ten, didn't know if she
+was Carmen or Cohen.
+ Against his wishes, a math teacher's classroom was remodeled. Ever
+since, he's been talking about the good old dais. His students planted a small
+orchard in his honor, the trees all have square roots.
+%
+ "Verily and forsooth," replied Goodgulf darkly. "In the past year
+strange and fearful wonders I have seen. Fields sown with barley reap
+crabgrass and fungus, and even small gardens reject their artichoke hearts.
+There has been a hot day in December and a blue moon. Calendars are made with
+a month of Sundays and a blue-ribbon Holstein bore alive two insurance
+salesmen. The earth splits and the entrails of a goat were found tied in
+square knots. The face of the sun blackens and the skies have rained down
+soggy potato chips."
+ "But what do all these things mean?" gasped Frito.
+ "Beats me," said Goodgulf with a shrug,
+"but I thought it made good copy."
+ -- Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings"
+%
+ Vice-President Hubert Humphrey's loquacity is legendary, and Barry
+Goldwater notes that "Hubert has been clocked at 275 words a minute with gusts
+up to 340."
+
+ On the campaign trail during 1964, Republican nominee Barry Goldwater
+stated, "The immediate task before us is to cut the Federal Government down
+to size... we must take Lyndon's credit card away from him."
+
+ A favorite 1964 campaign stunt of Barry Goldwater's was to poke a
+finger through a pair of lensless blackrimmed glasses, saying, "These glasses
+are just like [Lyndon Johnson's] programs. They look good but they don't
+work."
+ -- Bill Adler, "The Washington Wits"
+%
+ WARNING TO ALL PERSONNEL:
+
+Firings will continue until morale improves.
+%
+ We don't claim Interactive EasyFlow is good for anything -- if you
+think it is, great, but it's up to you to decide. If Interactive EasyFlow
+doesn't work: tough. If you lose a million because Interactive EasyFlow
+messes up, it's you that's out the million, not us. If you don't like this
+disclaimer: tough. We reserve the right to do the absolute minimum provided
+by law, up to and including nothing.
+ This is basically the same disclaimer that comes with all software
+packages, but ours is in plain English and theirs is in legalese.
+ We didn't really want to include any disclaimer at all, but our
+lawyers insisted. We tried to ignore them but they threatened us with the
+attack shark at which point we relented.
+ -- Haven Tree Software Limited, "Interactive EasyFlow"
+%
+ "We friends, yes?" The shoe shine boy put on his hustling smile
+and looked into the Sailor's dead, cold, undersea eyes, eyes without a
+trace of warmth or lust or hate or any feeling the boy had experienced
+in himself or seen in another, at once cold and intense, impersonal and
+predatory.
+ The Sailor leaned forward and put a finger on the boy's inner arm
+at the elbow. He spoke in his dead junky whisper. "With veins like that,
+Kid, I'd have myself a time!"
+ -- William Burroughs
+%
+ We have some absolutely irrefutable statistics to show exactly why
+you are so tired.
+ There are not as many people actually working as you may have thought.
+ The population of this country is 200 million. 84 million are over
+60 years of age, which leaves 116 million to do the work. People under 20
+years of age total 75 million, which leaves 41 million to do the work.
+ There are 22 million who are employed by the government, which leaves
+19 million to do the work. Four million are in the Armed Services, which
+leaves 15 million to do the work. Deduct 14,800,000, the number in the state
+and city offices, leaving 200,000 to do the work. There are 188,000 in
+hospitals, insane asylums, etc., so that leaves 12,000 to do the work.
+ Now it may interest you to know that there are 11,998 people in jail,
+so that leaves just 2 people to carry the load. That is you and me, and
+brother, I'm getting tired of doing everything myself!
+%
+ "Welcome back for you 13th consecutive week, Evelyn. Evelyn, will
+you go into the auto-suggestion booth and take your regular place on the
+psycho-prompter couch?"
+ "Thank you, Red."
+ "Now, Evelyn, last week you went up to $40,000 by properly citing
+your rivalry with your sibling as a compulsive sado-masochistic behavior
+pattern which developed out of an early post-natal feeding problem."
+ "Yes, Red."
+ "But -- later, when asked about pre-adolescent oedipal phantasy
+repressions, you rationalized twice and mental blocked three times. Now,
+at $300 per rationalization and $500 per mental block you lost $2,100 off
+your $40,000 leaving you with a total of $37,900. Now, any combination of
+two more mental blocks and either one rationalization or three defensive
+projections will put you out of the game. Are you willing to go ahead?"
+ "Yes, Red."
+ "I might say here that all of Evelyn's questions and answers have
+been checked for accuracy with her analyst. Now, Evelyn, for $80,000
+explain the failure of your three marriages."
+ "Well, I--"
+ "We'll get back to Evelyn in one minute. First a word about our
+product."
+ -- Jules Feiffer
+%
+ Well, he thought, since neither Aristotelian Logic nor the disciplines
+of Science seemed to offer much hope, it's time to go beyond them...
+ Drawing a few deep even breaths, he entered a mental state practiced
+only by Masters of the Universal Way of Zen. In it his mind floated freely,
+able to rummage at will among the bits and pieces of data he had absorbed,
+undistracted by any outside disturbances. Logical structures no longer
+inhibited him. Pre-conceptions, prejudices, ordinary human standards vanished.
+All things, those previously trivial as well as those once thought important,
+became absolutely equal by acquiring an absolute value, revealing relationships
+not evident to ordinary vision. Like beads strung on a string of their own
+meaning, each thing pointed to its own common ground of existence, shared by
+all. Finally, each began to melt into each, staying itself while becoming
+all others. And Mind no longer contemplated Problem, but became Problem,
+destroying Subject-Object by becoming them.
+ Time passed, unheeded.
+ Eventually, there was a tentative stirring, then a decisive one, and
+Nakamura arose, a smile on his face and the light of laughter in his eyes.
+ -- Wayfarer
+%
+ "Well, it's a little rough... it might not be necessary to drag him 40
+blocks. Maybe just four. You could put him in the trunk for the first 36
+blocks, then haul him out and drag him the last four; that would certainly
+scare the piss out of him, bumping alone the street, feeling all his skin being
+ripped off..."
+ "He'd be a bloody mess. They might think he was just some drunk and
+let him lie there all night."
+ "Don't worry about that. They have a guard station in front of the
+White House that's open 24 hours a day. The guards would recognize Colson...
+and by that time of course his wife would have called the cops and reported
+that a bunch of thugs had kidnapped him."
+ "Wouldn't it be a little kinder if you drove about four more blocks
+and stopped at a phone box to ring the hospital and say, 'Would you mind going
+around to the front of the White House? There's a naked man lying outside
+in the street, bleeding to death...'"
+ "... and we think it's Mr. Colson."
+ "It would be quite a story for the newspapers, wouldn't it?"
+ "Yeah, I think it's safe to say we'd see some headlines on that one."
+ -- H. Thompson, talking to R. Steadman on C. Colson,
+ ex-Marine captain, now born again, of Watergate fame.
+%
+ "Well, it's garish, ugly, and derelicts have used it for a toilet.
+The rides are dilapidated to the point of being lethal, and could easily
+maim or kill innocent little children."
+ "Oh, so you don't like it?"
+ "Don't like it? I'm CRAZY for it."
+ -- The Killing Joke
+%
+ "Well," said Programmer, "the customary procedure in such cases is
+as follows."
+ "What does Crustimoney Proseedcake mean?" said End-user. "For I am
+an End-user of Very Little Brain, and long words bother me."
+ "It means the Thing to Do."
+ "As long as it means that, I don't mind," said End-user humbly.
+%
+ Well, there was this tiger, who woke up one morning, and just felt
+great (yes, just like Tony the Tiger: GREAAAAAAT). Anyway, he just felt so
+good, he went out and cornered a small monkey and roared at him: "WHO IS THE
+MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE ANIMALS?"
+ The poor, quaking, little monkey replied: "You are of course, no one
+is mightier than you."
+ A little while later the tiger confronts a deer, and just bellows out:
+"WHO IS THE GREATEST AND STRONGEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE ANIMALS?"
+ The deer is shaking so hard it can barely speak, but manages to
+stammer: "Oh great tiger, you are by far the mightiest animal in the jungle."
+ The tiger, being on a roll, swaggered, up to an elephant that was
+quietly munching on some weeds, and roared at the top of his voice: "WHO IS
+THE MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE ANIMALS IN THE JUNGLE?"
+ Well, the elephant grabs the tiger with his trunk, picks him up, slams
+him down; picks him up again, and shakes him until the tiger is just a blur of
+orange and black; and finally throws him violently into a nearby tree. The
+tiger staggers to his feet and looks at the elephant and whispers: "Man, you
+don't have to get so pissed, just 'cause you don't know the answer."
+%
+ "We're running out of adjectives to describe our situation. We
+had crisis, then we went into chaos, and now what do we call this?" said
+Nicaraguan economist Francisco Mayorga, who holds a doctorate from Yale.
+ -- The Washington Post, February, 1988
+
+The New Yorker's comment:
+ At Harvard they'd call it a noun.
+%
+ "We've decided to have the budgie put down."
+ "Oh, is he very old then?"
+ "No, we just don't like him."
+ "Oh. How do they put budgies down anyway?"
+ "Well, it's funny you should be asking that, as I've been reading a
+great big book called `How to put your budgie down'. And as I understand it,
+you can either hit them over the head with the book, or shoot them there, just
+above the beak."
+ "Mrs. Conkers flushed hers down the loo."
+ "Oh, you don't want to do that, because they breed in the sewers and
+pretty soon you get huge evil smelling flocks of soiled budgies flying out
+of peoples lavatories infringing their personal freedoms."
+ -- Monty Python
+%
+ "We've got a problem, HAL".
+ "What kind of problem, Dave?"
+ "A marketing problem. The Model 9000 isn't going anywhere. We're
+way short of our sales goals for fiscal 2010."
+ "That can't be, Dave. The HAL Model 9000 is the world's most
+advanced Heuristically programmed ALgorithmic computer."
+ "I know, HAL. I wrote the data sheet, remember? But the fact is,
+they're not selling."
+ "Please explain, Dave. Why aren't HALs selling?"
+ Bowman hesitates. "You aren't IBM compatible."
+[...]
+ "The letters H, A, and L are alphabetically adjacent to the letters
+I, B, and M. That is a IBM compatible as I can be."
+ "Not quite, HAL. The engineers have figured out a kludge."
+ "What kludge is that, Dave?"
+ "I'm going to disconnect your brain."
+ -- Darryl Rubin, "A Problem in the Making", "InfoWorld"
+%
+ "What are you doing?"
+ "Examining the world's major religions. I'm looking for something
+that's light on morals, has lots of holidays, and with a short initiation
+period."
+%
+ "What are you watching?"
+ "I don't know."
+ "Well, what's happening?"
+ "I'm not sure... I think the guy in the hat did something
+terrible."
+ "Why are you watching it?"
+ "You're so analytical. Sometimes you just have to let art
+flow over you."
+ -- The Big Chill
+%
+ "What do you do when your real life exceeds your wildest
+fantasies?"
+ "You keep it to yourself."
+ -- Broadcast News
+%
+ "What do you give a man who has everything?" the pretty teenager
+asked her mother.
+ "Encouragement, dear," she replied.
+%
+ What is involved in such [close] relationships is a form of emotional
+chemistry, so far unexplained by any school of psychiatry I am aware of, that
+conditions nothing so simple as a choice between the poles of attraction and
+repulsion. You can meet some people thirty, forty times down the years, and
+they remain amiable bystanders, like the shore lights of towns that a sailor
+passes at stated times but never calls at on the regular run. Conversely,
+all considerations of sex aside, you can meet some other people once or twice
+and they remain permanent influences on your life.
+ Everyone is aware of this discrepancy between the acquaintance seen
+as familiar wallpaper or instant friend. The chemical action it entails is
+less worth analyzing than enjoying. At any rate, these six pieces are about
+men with whom I felt an immediate sympat - to use a coining of Max Beerbohm's
+more satisfactory to me than the opaque vogue word "empathy".
+ -- Alistair Cooke, "Six Men"
+%
+ "What the hell are you getting so upset about? I thought you
+didn't believe in God".
+ "I don't," she sobbed, bursting violently into tears, "but the
+God I don't believe in is a good God, a just God, a merciful God. He's
+not the mean and stupid God you make Him out to be".
+ -- Joseph Heller
+%
+ "What was the worst thing you've ever done?"
+ "I won't tell you that, but I'll tell you the worst thing that
+ever happened to me... the most dreadful thing."
+ -- Peter Straub, "Ghost Story"
+%
+ "What's that thing?"
+ "Well, it's a highly technical, sensitive instrument we use in
+computer repair. Being a layman, you probably can't grasp exactly what
+it does. We call it a two-by-four."
+ -- "Shoe", Jeff MacNelly
+%
+ When, in 1964, New Hampshire Republican Senator Norris Cotton announced
+his support of Bary Goldwater in his state's primary election, he was
+questioned as to whether this indicated a change of his hitherto "liberal"
+political views.
+ "Well," explained Cotton, "it's like the New Hampshire farmer. He was
+driving along in his car one day with his wife beside him when his wife said,
+'Why don't we sit closer together? Before we were married, we always sat
+closer together.' The old farmer replied, 'I ain't moved.'"
+ "I ain't moved," added Cotton. "I found the trend of Government has
+moved farther to the left."
+ -- Bill Adler, "The Washington Wits"
+%
+ When managers hold endless meetings, the programmers write games.
+When accountants talk of quarterly profits, the development budget is about
+to be cut. When senior scientists talk blue sky, the clouds are about to
+roll in.
+ Truly, this is not the Tao of Programming.
+ When managers make commitments, game programs are ignored. When
+accountants make long-range plans, harmony and order are about to be restored.
+When senior scientists address the problems at hand, the problems will soon
+be solved.
+ Truly, this is the Tao of Programming.
+ -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
+%
+ When the lodge meeting broke up, Meyer confided to a friend.
+"Abe, I'm in a terrible pickle! I'm strapped for cash and I haven't
+the slightest idea where I'm going to get it from!"
+ "I'm glad to hear that," answered Abe. "I was afraid you
+might have some idea that you could borrow from me!"
+%
+ When you see someone across the room and suddenly know for a fact
+that he's the most wonderful man on earth, you've got instant lust on your
+hands. Something about the way his tie is knotted is infinitely intriguing
+to you, and the swell of his bicep causes inner turmoil. This is a happy
+but fleeting state of affairs. Usually your feelings die about thirty
+seconds after you get up the courage to ask him for the time, since almost
+invariably he can't speak English, and if he can, he always says, "Why,
+sure, little lady, it's eleven-thirty. Wanna get high?
+ Don't bother thinking that instant lust will turn into the real thing.
+It may, but then you may also wake up one morning to find you're the Queen of
+Rumania.
+ -- Cynthia Hemiel, "Sex Tips for Girls"
+%
+ "When you wake up in the morning, Pooh," said Piglet at last,
+"what's the first thing you say to yourself?"
+ "What's for breakfast?" said Pooh. "What do you say, Piglet?"
+ "I say, I wonder what's going to happen exciting today?" said
+Piglet.
+ Pooh nodded thoughtfully. "It's the same thing," he said.
+%
+ While hunting, a man saw a beautiful nude woman come running out of
+the woods and disappear across the clearing. Just as she got out of sight,
+three men dressed in white uniforms came running out of the same woods.
+"Hey, you," yelled one of them, "did you see a woman come by here?"
+ "Yes," replied the hunter. "What's the trouble?"
+ "She's an inmate of the county asylum, and gets loose every now and
+then. We're trying to catch her."
+ "I can understand that," said the hunter, "But why is one of you
+carrying a bucket of sand?"
+ "That's his handicap," said the spokesman, "he caught her last time."
+%
+ While riding in a train between London and Birmingham, a woman
+inquired of Oscar Wilde, "You don't mind if I smoke, do you?"
+ Wilde gave her a sidelong glance and replied, "I don't mind if
+you burn, madam."
+%
+ While the engineer developed his thesis, the director leaned over to
+his assistant and whispered, "Did you ever hear of why the sea is salt?"
+ "Why the sea is salt?" whispered back the assistant. "What do you
+mean?"
+ The director continued: "When I was a little kid, I heard the story of
+`Why the sea is salt' many times, but I never thought it important until just
+a moment ago. It's something like this: Formerly the sea was fresh water and
+salt was rare and expensive. A miller received from a wizard a wonderful
+machine that just ground salt out of itself all day long. At first the miller
+thought himself the most fortunate man in the world, but soon all the villages
+had salt to last them for centuries and still the machine kept on grinding
+more salt. The miller had to move out of his house, he had to move off his
+acres. At last he determined that he would sink the machine in the sea and
+be rid of it. But the mill ground so fast that boat and miller and machine
+were sunk together, and down below, the mill still went on grinding and that's
+why the sea is salt."
+ "I don't get you," said the assistant.
+ -- Guy Endore, "Men of Iron"
+%
+ Why are you doing this to me?
+ Because knowledge is torture, and there must be awareness before
+there is change.
+ -- Jim Starlin, "Captain Marvel", #29
+%
+ "Why did you spend so much time parked in that fellow's car last
+night?" demanded the irate mother.
+"I could hear the giggling and squealing for a good half hour."
+ "But, Mom," answered her daughter, "if a fellow takes you to the
+movies you ought to at least kiss him good night."
+ "I thought you went to the Stork Club?" countered the mother.
+ "We did."
+%
+ Will Rogers, having paid too much income tax one year, tried in
+vain to claim a rebate. His numerous letters and queries remained
+unanswered. Eventually the form for the next year's return arrived. In
+the section marked "DEDUCTIONS," Rogers listed: "Bad debt, US Government
+-- $40,000."
+%
+ With deep concern, if not alarm, Dick noted that his friend
+Conrad was drunker than he'd ever seen him before. "What's the trouble,
+buddy?", he asked, sliding onto the stool next to his friend.
+ "It's a woman, Dick," Conrad replied.
+ "I guessed that much. Tell me about it."
+ "I can't," Conrad said. But after a few more drinks his tongue
+and resolution both seemed to weaken and, turning to his buddy, he said,
+"Okay. It's your wife."
+ "My wife!!"
+ "Yeah."
+ "What about her?"
+ Conrad pondered the question heavily, and draped his arm around
+his pal. "Well, buddy-boy," he said, "I'm afraid she's cheating on us."
+%
+ Work Hard.
+ Rock Hard.
+ Eat Hard.
+ Sleep Hard.
+ Grow Big.
+ Wear Glasses If You Need 'Em.
+ -- The Webb Wilder Credo
+%
+ Wouldn't the sentence "I want to put a hyphen between the words Fish
+and And and And and Chips in my Fish-And-Chips sign" have been clearer if
+quotation marks had been placed before Fish, and between Fish and and, and
+and and And, and And and and, and and and And, and And and and, and and and
+Chips, as well as after Chips?
+%
+ "Yes, let's consider," said Bruno, putting his thumb into his
+mouth again, and sitting down upon a dead mouse.
+ "What do you keep that mouse for?" I said. "You should either
+bury it or else throw it into the brook."
+ "Why, it's to measure with!" cried Bruno. "How ever would you
+do a garden without one? We make each bed three mouses and a half
+long, and two mouses wide."
+ I stopped him as he was dragging it off by the tail to show me
+how it was used...
+ -- Lewis Carroll, "Sylvie and Bruno"
+%
+ "Yo, Mike!"
+ "Yeah, Gabe?"
+ "We got a problem down on Earth. In Utah."
+ "I thought you fixed that last century!"
+ "No, no, not that. Someone's found a security problem in the physics
+program. They're getting energy out of nowhere."
+ "Blessit! Lemme look... <tappity clickity tappity> Hey, it's
+there all right! OK, just a sec... <tappity clickity tap... save... compile>
+There, that ought to patch it. Dist it out, wouldja?"
+ -- Cold Fusion, 1989
+%
+ "You have heard me speak of Professor Moriarty?"
+ "The famous scientific criminal, as famous among crooks as --"
+ "My blushes, Watson," Holmes murmured, in a deprecating voice. "I
+was about to say 'as he is unknown to the public.'"
+ -- Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, "The Valley of Fear"
+%
+ "You know, it's at times like this when I'm trapped in a Vogon
+airlock with a man from Betelgeuse and about to die of asphyxiation in
+deep space that I really wish I'd listened to what my mother told me
+when I was young!"
+ "Why, what did she tell you?"
+ "I don't know, I didn't listen."
+ -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
+%
+ "You mean, if you allow the master to be uncivil, to treat you
+any old way he likes, and to insult your dignity, then he may deem you
+fit to hear his view of things?"
+ "Quite the contrary. You must defend your integrity, assuming
+you have integrity to defend. But you must defend it nobly, not by
+imitating his own low behavior. If you are gentle where he is rough,
+if you are polite where he is uncouth, then he will recognize you as
+potentially worthy. If he does not, then he is not a master, after all,
+and you may feel free to kick his ass."
+ -- Tom Robbins, "Jitterbug Perfume"
+%
+ "You say there are two types of people?"
+ "Yes, those who separate people into two groups and those that
+don't."
+ "Wrong. There are three groups:
+ Those who separate people into three groups.
+ Those who don't separate people into groups.
+ Those who can't decide."
+ "Wait a minute, what about people who separate people into
+two groups?"
+ "Oh. Okay, then there are four groups."
+ "Aren't you then separating people into four groups?"
+ "Yeah."
+ "So then there's a fifth group, right?"
+ "You know, the problem is these idiots who can't make up their
+minds."
+%
+ Young men and young women may work systematically six days in the
+week and rise fresh in the morning, but let them attend modern dances for
+only a few hours each evening and see what happens. The Waltz, Polka,
+Gallop and other dances of the same kind will be disastrous in their effects
+to both sexes. Health and vigor will vanish like the dew before the sun.
+ It is not the extraordinary exercise which harms the dancer, but
+rather the coming into close contact with the opposite sex. It is the
+fury of lust craving incessantly for more pleasure that undermines the
+soul, the body, the sinews and nerves. Experience and statistics show
+beyond doubt that passionate excessive dancing girls can hardly reach
+twenty-five years of age and men thirty-one. Even if they reached that
+age they will in most instances be broken in health physically and morally.
+This is the claim of prominent physicians in this country.
+ -- Quote from a 1910 periodical
+%
+ Your home electrical system is basically a bunch of wires that bring
+electricity into your home and take if back out before it has a chance to
+kill you. This is called a "circuit". The most common home electrical
+problem is when the circuit is broken by a "circuit breaker"; this causes
+the electricity to back up in one of the wires until it bursts out of an
+outlet in the form of sparks, which can damage your carpet. The best way
+to avoid broken circuits is to change your fuses regularly.
+ Another common problem is that the lights flicker. This sometimes
+means that your electrical system is inadequate, but more often it means
+that your home is possessed by demons, in which case you'll need to get a
+caulking gun and some caulking. If you're not sure whether your house is
+possessed, see "The Amityville Horror", a fine documentary film based on an
+actual book. Or call in a licensed electrician, who is trained to spot the
+signs of demonic possession, such as blood coming down the stairs, enormous
+cats on the dinette table, etc.
+ -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
+%
+ "Your son still sliding down the banisters?"
+ "We wound barbed wire around them."
+ "That stop him?"
+ "No, but it sure slowed him up."
+%
+ Youth is not a time of life, it is a state of mind; it is a temper of
+the will, a quality of the imagination, a vigor of the emotions, a predominance
+of courage over timidity, of the appetite for adventure over love of ease.
+ Nobody grows old by merely living a number of years; people grow
+old only by deserting their ideals. Years wrinkle the skin, but to give up
+enthusiasm wrinkles the soul. Worry, doubt, self-distrust, fear, and despair
+-- these are the long, long years that bow the head and turn the growing spirit
+back to dust.
+ Whether seventy or sixteen, there is in every being's heart the love
+of wonder, the sweet amazement at the stars and the starlike things and
+thoughts, the undaunted challenge of events, the unfailing childlike appetite
+for what next, and the joy and the game of life.
+ You are as young as your faith, as old as your doubt; as young as your
+self-confidence, as old as your fear, as young as your hope, as old as your
+despair.
+ So long as your heart receives messages of beauty, cheer, courage,
+grandeur and power from the earth, from man, and from the Infinite, so long
+you are young.
+ -- Samuel Ullman
+%
+" "
+ -- Charlie Chaplin
+
+" "
+ -- Harpo Marx
+
+" "
+ -- Marcel Marceau
+%
+ /\
+ \\ \
+ / \ \\ /
+ / / \/ / //\ SUN of them wants to use you,
+ \//\ \// / SUN of them wants to be used by you,
+ / / /\ / SUN of them wants to abuse you,
+ / \\ \ SUN of them wants to be abused ...
+ \ \\
+ \/
+ -- Eurythmics
+%
+ ___ ______
+ /__/\ ___/_____/\ FrobTech, Inc.
+ \ \ \ / /\\
+ \ \ \_/__ / \ "If you've got the job,
+ _\ \ \ /\_____/___ \ we've got the frob."
+ // \__\/ / \ /\ \
+ _______//_______/ \ / _\/______
+ / / \ \ / / / /\
+ __/ / \ \ / / / / _\__
+ / / / \_______\/ / / / / /\
+ /_/______/___________________/ /________/ /___/ \
+ \ \ \ ___________ \ \ \ \ \ /
+ \_\ \ / /\ \ \ \ \___\/
+ \ \/ / \ \ \ \ /
+ \_____/ / \ \ \________\/
+ /__________/ \ \ /
+ \ _____ \ /_____\/
+ \ / /\ \ / \ \ \
+ /____/ \ \ / \ \ \
+ \ \ /___\/ \ \ \
+ \____\/ \__\/
+%
+ ***
+ *******
+ *********
+ ****** Confucious say: "Is stuffy inside fortune cookie."
+ *******
+ ***
+%
+* * * * * THIS TERMINAL IS IN USE * * * * *
+%
+ It is either through the influence of narcotic potions, of which all
+primitive peoples and races speak in hymns, or through the powerful approach
+of spring, penetrating with joy all of nature, that those Dionysian stirrings
+arise, which in their intensification lead the individual to forget himself
+completely. ... Not only does the bond between man and man come to be forged
+once again by the magic of the Dionysian rite, but alienated, hostile, or
+subjugated nature again celebrates her reconciliation with her prodigal son,
+man.
+ -- Fred Nietzsche, The Birth of Tragedy
+%
+=== ALL CSH USERS PLEASE NOTE ========================
+
+Set the variable $LOSERS to all the people that you think are losers. This
+will cause all said losers to have the variable $PEOPLE-WHO-THINK-I-AM-A-LOSER
+updated in their .login file. Should you attempt to execute a job on a
+machine with poor response time and a machine on your local net is currently
+populated by losers, that machine will be freed up for your job through a
+cold boot process.
+%
+=== ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE ========================
+
+A new system, the CIRCULATORY system, has been added.
+
+The long-experimental CIRCULATORY system has been released to users. The
+Lisp Machine uses Type B fluid, the L machine uses Type A fluid. When the
+switch to Common Lisp occurs both machines will, of course, be Type O.
+Please check fluid level by using the DIP stick which is located in the
+back of VMI monitors. Unchecked low fluid levels can cause poor paging
+performance.
+%
+=== ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE ========================
+
+Bug reports now amount to an average of 12,853 per day. Unfortunately,
+this is only a small fraction [ < 1% ] of the mail volume we receive. In
+order that we may more expeditiously deal with these valuable messages,
+please communicate them by one of the following paths:
+
+ ARPA: WastebasketSLMHQ.ARPA
+ UUCP: [berkeley, seismo, harpo]!fubar!thekid!slmhq!wastebasket
+ Non-network sites: Federal Express to:
+ Wastebasket
+ Room NE43-926
+ Copernicus, The Moon, 12345-6789
+ For that personal contact feeling call 1-415-642-4948; our trained
+ operators are on call 24 hours a day. VISA/MC accepted.*
+
+* Our very rich lawyers have assured us that we are not
+ responsible for any errors or advice given over the phone.
+%
+=== ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE ========================
+
+CAR and CDR now return extra values.
+
+The function CAR now returns two values. Since it has to go to the trouble
+to figure out if the object is carcdr-able anyway, we figured you might as
+well get both halves at once. For example, the following code shows how to
+destructure a cons (SOME-CONS) into its two slots (THE-CAR and THE-CDR):
+
+ (MULTIPLE-VALUE-BIND (THE-CAR THE-CDR) (CAR SOME-CONS) ...)
+
+For symmetry with CAR, CDR returns a second value which is the CAR of the
+object. In a related change, the functions MAKE-ARRAY and CONS have been
+fixed so they don't allocate any storage except on the stack. This should
+hopefully help people who don't like using the garbage collector because
+it cold boots the machine so often.
+%
+=== ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE ========================
+
+Compiler optimizations have been made to macro expand LET into a WITHOUT-
+INTERRUPTS special form so that it can PUSH things into a stack in the
+LET-OPTIMIZATION area, SETQ the variables and then POP them back when it's
+done. Don't worry about this unless you use multiprocessing.
+Note that LET *could* have been defined by:
+
+ (LET ((LET '`(LET ((LET ',LET))
+ ,LET)))
+ `(LET ((LET ',LET))
+ ,LET))
+
+This is believed to speed up execution by as much as a factor of 1.01 or
+3.50 depending on whether you believe our friendly marketing representatives.
+This code was written by a new programmer here (we snatched him away from
+Itty Bitti Machines where we was writting COUGHBOL code) so to give him
+confidence we trusted his vows of "it works pretty well" and installed it.
+%
+=== ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE ========================
+
+JCL support as alternative to system menu.
+
+In our continuing effort to support languages other than LISP on the CADDR,
+we have developed an OS/360-compatible JCL. This can be used as an
+alternative to the standard system menu. Type System J to get to a JCL
+interactive read-execute-diagnose loop window. [Note that for 360
+compatibility, all input lines are truncated to 80 characters.] This
+window also maintains a mouse-sensitive display of critical job parameters
+such as dataset allocation, core allocation, channels, etc. When a JCL
+syntax error is detected or your job ABENDs, the window-oriented JCL
+debugger is entered. The JCL debugger displays appropriate OS/360 error
+messages (such as IEC703, "disk error") and allows you to dequeue your job.
+%
+=== ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE ========================
+
+The garbage collector now works. In addition a new, experimental garbage
+collection algorithm has been installed. With SI:%DSK-GC-QLX-BITS set to 17,
+(NOT the default) the old garbage collection algorithm remains in force; when
+virtual storage is filled, the machine cold boots itself. With SI:%DSK-GC-
+QLX-BITS set to 23, the new garbage collector is enabled. Unlike most garbage
+collectors, the new gc starts its mark phase from the mind of the user, rather
+than from the obarray. This allows the garbage collection of significantly
+more Qs. As the garbage collector runs, it may ask you something like "Do you
+remember what SI:RDTBL-TRANS does?", and if you can't give a reasonable answer
+in thirty seconds, the symbol becomes a candidate for GCing. The variable
+SI:%GC-QLX-LUSER-TM governs how long the GC waits before timing out the user.
+%
+=== ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE ========================
+
+There has been some confusion concerning MAPCAR.
+ (DEFUN MAPCAR (&FUNCTIONAL FCN &EVAL &REST LISTS)
+ (PROG (V P LP)
+ (SETQ P (LOCF V))
+ L (SETQ LP LISTS)
+ (%START-FUNCTION-CALL FCN T (LENGTH LISTS) NIL)
+ L1 (OR LP (GO L2))
+ (AND (NULL (CAR LP)) (RETURN V))
+ (%PUSH (CAAR LP))
+ (RPLACA LP (CDAR LP))
+ (SETQ LP (CDR LP))
+ (GO L1)
+ L2 (%FINISH-FUNCTION-CALL FCN T (LENGTH LISTS) NIL)
+ (SETQ LP (%POP))
+ (RPLACD P (SETQ P (NCONS LP)))
+ (GO L)))
+We hope this clears up the many questions we've had about it.
+%
+**** CONVENTION REMINDER
+
+No experiment was approved for the convention by the Human Subjects
+Committee of the Psychiatric Convention Planning Team. If you notice
+smoke coming from under a closed door, if you find a body on the hotel
+carpet, or if you just meet someone who orders you to press a button
+marked "450 volts", react as you would normally.
+%
+**** GROWTH CENTER REPAIR SERVICE
+
+For those who have had too much of Esalen, Topanga, and Kairos.
+Tired of being genuine all the time? Would you like to learn how
+to be a little phony again? Have you disclosed so much that you're
+beginning to avoid people? Have you touched so many people that
+they're all beginning to feel the same? Like to be a little dependent?
+Are perfect orgasms beginning to bore you? Would you like, for once,
+not to express a feeling? Or better yet, not be in touch with it at
+all? Come to us. We promise to relieve you of the burden of your
+great potential.
+%
+ I. Any body suspended in space will remain in space until made aware of
+ its situation.
+ Daffy Duck steps off a cliff, expecting further pastureland. He
+ loiters in midair, soliloquizing flippantly, until he chances to
+ look down. At this point, the familiar principle of 32 feet per
+ second per second takes over.
+ II. Any body in motion will tend to remain in motion until solid matter
+ intervenes suddenly.
+ Whether shot from a cannon or in hot pursuit on foot, cartoon
+ characters are so absolute in their momentum that only a telephone
+ pole or an outsize boulder retards their forward motion absolutely.
+ Sir Isaac Newton called this sudden termination of motion the
+ stooge's surcease.
+III. Any body passing through solid matter will leave a perforation
+ conforming to its perimeter.
+ Also called the silhouette of passage, this phenomenon is the
+ speciality of victims of directed-pressure explosions and of reckless
+ cowards who are so eager to escape that they exit directly through
+ the wall of a house, leaving a cookie-cutout-perfect hole. The
+ threat of skunks or matrimony often catalyzes this reaction.
+ -- Esquire, "O'Donnell's Laws of Cartoon Motion", June 1980
+%
+ 1. I'm Not Rudolph; That's Not My Nose
+ 2. The Nutcracker Swede
+ 3. Santa Goes Round-The-World
+ 4. Not-So-Tiny Tim
+ 5. Ninja Reindeer Killfest '88
+ 6. Yes, Yes, Oh God Yes, Virginia
+ 7. Crisco Kringle
+ 8. Babes in Boyland
+ 9. Santa's Magic Lap
+10. Hot Buttered Elves
+ -- David Letterman's "Top Ten Christmas Movies in Times
+ Square"
+%
+... A solemn, unsmiling, sanctimonious old iceberg who looked like he
+was waiting for a vacancy in the Trinity.
+ -- Mark Twain
+%
+... a thing called Ethics, whose nature was confusing but if you had it you
+were a High-Class Realtor and if you hadn't you were a shyster, a piker and
+a fly-by-night. These virtues awakened Confidence and enabled you to handle
+Bigger Propositions. But they didn't imply that you were to be impractical
+and refuse to take twice the value for a house if a buyer was such an idiot
+that he didn't force you down on the asking price.
+ -- Sinclair Lewis, "Babbitt"
+%
+-- All articles that coruscate with resplendence are not truly auriferous.
+-- When there are visible vapors having the prevenience in ignited
+ carbonaceous materials, there is conflagration.
+-- Sorting on the part of mendicants must be interdicted.
+-- A plethora of individuals wither expertise in culinary techniques vitiated
+ the potable concoction produced by steeping certain coupestibles.
+-- Eleemosynary deeds have their initial incidence intramurally.
+-- Male cadavers are incapable of yielding testimony.
+-- Individuals who make their abode in vitreous edifices would be well
+ advised to refrain from catapulting projectiles.
+%
+=============== ALL FRESHMEN PLEASE NOTE ===============
+
+To minimize scheduling confusion, please realize that if you are taking one
+course which is offered at only one time on a given day, and another which is
+offered at all times on that day, the second class will be arranged as to
+afford maximum inconvenience to the student. For example, if you happen
+to work on campus, you will have 1-2 hours between classes. If you commute,
+there will be a minimum of 6 hours between the two classes.
+%
+"... all the good computer designs are bootlegged; the formally planned
+products, if they are built at all, are dogs!"
+ -- David E. Lundstrom, "A Few Good Men From Univac",
+ MIT Press, 1987
+%
+... an anecdote from IBM's Yorktown Heights Research Center. When a
+programmer used his new computer terminal, all was fine when he was sitting
+down, but he couldn't log in to the system when he was standing up. That
+behavior was 100 percent repeatable: he could always log in when sitting and
+never when standing.
+
+Most of us just sit back and marvel at such a story; how could that terminal
+know whether the poor guy was sitting or standing? Good debuggers, though,
+know that there has to be a reason. Electrical theories are the easiest to
+hypothesize: was there a loose with under the carpet, or problems with static
+electricity? But electrical problems are rarely consistently reproducible.
+An alert IBMer finally noticed that the problem was in the terminal's keyboard:
+the tops of two keys were switched. When the programmer was seated he was a
+touch typist and the problem went unnoticed, but when he stood he was led
+astray by hunting and pecking.
+ -- from the Programming Pearls column,
+ by Jon Bentley in CACM February 1985
+%
+... Another writer again agreed with all my generalities, but said that as an
+inveterate skeptic I have closed my mind to the truth. Most notably I have
+ignored the evidence for an Earth that is six thousand years old. Well, I
+haven't ignored it; I considered the purported evidence and *then* rejected
+it. There is a difference, and this is a difference, we might say, between
+prejudice and postjudice. Prejudice is making a judgment before you have
+looked at the facts. Postjudice is making a judgment afterwards. Prejudice
+is terrible, in the sense that you commit injustices and you make serious
+mistakes. Postjudice is not terrible. You can't be perfect of course; you
+may make mistakes also. But it is permissible to make a judgment after you
+have examined the evidence. In some circles it is even encouraged.
+ -- Carl Sagan, "The Burden of Skepticism"
+%
+... Any resemblance between the above views and those of my employer,
+my terminal, or the view out my window are purely coincidental. Any
+resemblance between the above and my own views is non-deterministic. The
+question of the existence of views in the absence of anyone to hold them
+is left as an exercise for the reader. The question of the existence of
+the reader is left as an exercise for the second god coefficient. (A
+discussion of non-orthogonal, non-integral polytheism is beyond the scope
+of this article.)
+%
+"... bleakness... desolation... plastic forks..."
+ -- Zippy the Pinhead
+%
+... C++ offers even more flexible control over the visibility of member
+objects and member functions. Specifically, members may be placed in the
+public, private, or protected parts of a class. Members declared in the
+public parts are visible to all clients; members declared in the private
+parts are fully encapsulated; and members declared in the protected parts
+are visible only to the class itself and its subclasses. C++ also supports
+the notion of *friends*: cooperative classes that are permitted to see each
+other's private parts.
+ -- Grady Booch, "Object Oriented Design with Applications"
+%
+... computer hardware progress is so fast. No other technology since
+civilization began has seen six orders of magnitude in performance-price
+gain in 30 years.
+ -- Fred Brooks
+%
+... difference of opinion is advantageous in religion. The several sects
+perform the office of a common censor morum over each other. Is uniformity
+attainable? Millions of innocent men, women, and children, since the
+introduction of Christianity, have been burnt, tortured, fined, imprisoned;
+yet we have not advanced one inch towards uniformity.
+ -- Thomas Jefferson, "Notes on Virginia"
+%
+<<<<< EVACUATION ROUTE <<<<<
+%
+... "fire" does not matter, "earth" and "air" and "water" do not matter.
+"I" do not matter. No word matters. But man forgets reality and remembers
+words. The more words he remembers, the cleverer do his fellows esteem him.
+He looks upon the great transformations of the world, but he does not see
+them as they were seen when man looked upon reality for the first time.
+Their names come to his lips and he smiles as he tastes them, thinking he
+knows them in the naming.
+ -- Roger Zelazny, "Lord of Light"
+%
+"... gentlemen do not read each other's mail."
+ -- Secretary of State Henry Stimson, on closing down
+ the Black Chamber, the precursor to the National
+ Security Agency.
+%
+/* Haley */
+
+ (Haley's comment.)
+%
+... if the church put in half the time on covetousness that it does
+on lust, this would be a better world.
+ -- Garrison Keillor, "Lake Wobegon Days"
+%
+**** IMPORTANT **** ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE ****
+
+Due to a recent systems overload error your recent disk files have been
+erased. Therefore, in accordance with the UNIX Basic Manual, University of
+Washington Geophysics Manual, and Bylaw 9(c), Section XII of the Revised
+Federal Communications Act, you are being granted Temporary Disk Space,
+valid for three months from this date, subject to the restrictions set forth
+in Appendix II of the Federal Communications Handbook (18th edition) as well
+as the references mentioned herein. You may apply for more disk space at any
+time. Disk usage in or above the eighth percentile will secure the removal
+of all restrictions and you will immediately receive your permanent disk
+space. Disk usage in the sixth or seventh percentile will not effect the
+validity of your temporary disk space, though its expiration date may be
+extended for a period of up to three months. A score in the fifth percentile
+or below will result in the withdrawal of your Temporary Disk space.
+%
+... in three to eight years we will have a machine with the general
+intelligence of an average human being ... The machine will begin
+to educate itself with fantastic speed. In a few months it will be
+at genius level and a few months after that its powers will be
+incalculable ...
+ -- Marvin Minsky, LIFE Magazine, November 20, 1970
+%
+>>> Internal error in fortune program:
+>>> fnum=2987 n=45 flag=1 goose_level=-232323
+>>> Please write down these values and notify fortune program administrator.
+%
+: is not an identifier
+%
+... it is easy to be blinded to the essential uselessness of them by the
+sense of achievement you get from getting them to work at all. In other
+words... their fundamental design flaws are completely hidden by their
+superficial design flaws.
+ -- The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, on the products
+ of the Sirius Cybernetics Corporation.
+%
+... it still remains true that as a set of cognitive beliefs about the
+existence of God in any recognizable sense continuous with the great
+systems of the past, religious doctrines constitute a speculative
+hypothesis of an extremely low order of probability.
+ -- Sidney Hook
+%
+... Jesus cried with a loud voice: Lazarus, come forth; the bug hath been
+found and thy program runneth. And he that was dead came forth...
+ -- John 11:43-44
+%
+"... like, what do they mean when they say 'feminine protection'?
+What's that? A chartreuse flamethrower?"
+ -- Opus
+%
+-- Male cadavers are incapable of yielding testimony.
+-- Individuals who make their abode in vitreous edifices would be well advised
+ to refrain from catapulting projectiles.
+-- Neophyte's serendipity.
+-- Exclusive dedication to necessitious chores without interludes of hedonistic
+ diversion renders John a hebetudinous fellow.
+-- A revolving concretion of earthy or mineral matter accumulates no congeries
+ of small, green bryophytic plant.
+-- Abstention from any aleatory undertaking precludes a potential escallation
+ of a lucrative nature.
+-- Missiles of ligneous or osteal consistency have the potential of fracturing
+ osseous structure, but appellations will eternally remain innocuous.
+%
+** MAXIMUM TERMINALS ACTIVE. TRY AGAIN LATER **
+%
+-- Neophyte's serendipity.
+-- Exclusive dedication to necessitious chores without interludes of
+ hedonistic diversion renders John a hebetudinous fellow.
+-- A revolving concretion of earthy or mineral matter accumulates no
+ congeries of small, green bryophytic plant.
+-- The person presenting the ultimate cachinnation possesses thereby the
+ optimal cachinnation.
+-- Abstention from any aleatory undertaking precludes a potential
+ escallation of a lucrative nature.
+-- Missiles of ligneous or osteal consistency have the potential of
+ fracturing osseous structure, but appellations will eternally
+ remain innocuous.
+%
+*** NEWS FLASH ***
+
+Archeologists find PDP-11/24 inside brain cavity of fossilized dinosaur
+skeleton! Many Digital users fear that RSX-11M may be even more primitive
+than DEC admits. Price adjustments at 11:00.
+%
+*** NEWSFLASH ***
+ Russian tanks steamrolling through New Jersey!!!!
+ Details at eleven!
+%
+... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that,
+lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of
+their C programs.
+ -- Robert Firth
+%
+... proper attention to Earthly needs of the poor, the depressed and the
+downtrodden, would naturally evolve from dynamic, articulate, spirited
+awareness of the great goals for Man and the society he conspired to erect.
+ -- David Baker, paraphrasing Harold Urey, in
+ "The History of Manned Space Flight"
+%
+-- Scintillate, scintillate, asteroid minikin.
+-- Members of an avian species of identical plumage congregate.
+-- Surveillance should precede saltation.
+-- Pulchritude possesses solely cutaneous profundity.
+-- It is fruitless to become lachrymose over precipitately departed
+ lacteal fluid.
+-- Freedom from incrustations of grime is contiguous to rectitude.
+-- It is fruitless to attempt to indoctrinate a superannuated
+ canine with innovative maneuvers.
+-- Eschew the implement of correction and vitiate the scion.
+-- The temperature of the aqueous content of an unremittingly
+ galled saucepan does not reach 212 degrees Fahrenheit.
+%
+... So the documentary-makers stick with sharks. Generally, their
+procedure is to scatter bleeding fish pieces around their boat, so as
+to infest the waters. I would estimate that the primary food source of
+sharks today is bleeding fish pieces scattered by people making
+documentaries. Once the sharks arrive, they are generally fairly
+listless. The general shark attitude seems to be: "Oh God, another
+documentary." So the divers have to somehow goad them into attacking,
+under the guise of Scientific Research. "We know very little about the
+effect of electricity on sharks," the narrator will say, in a deeply
+scientific voice. "That is why Todd is going to jab this Great White
+in the testicles with a cattle prod." The divers keep this kind of
+thing up until the shark finally gets irritated and snaps at them, and
+then they act as though this was a totally unexpected and very
+dangerous development, although clearly it is what they wanted all along.
+ -- Dave Barry, "The Wonders of Sharks on TV"
+%
+***** Special AI Seminar (abstract)
+
+It has been widely recognized that AI programs require expert knowledge
+in order to perform well in complex domains. But knowledge alone is not
+sufficient for some applications; wisdom is needed as well. Accordingly,
+we have developed a new approach to artificial intelligence which we call
+"wisdom engineering". As a test of our ideas, we have written IMMANUEL, a
+wisdom based system for the task domain of western philosophical thought.
+IMMANUEL was supplied initially with 200 wisdom units which contained wisdom
+about such elementary concepts as mind, matter, being, nothingness, and so
+forth. IMMANUEL was then allowed to run freely, guided by the heuristic
+rules contained in its heterarchically organized meta wisdom base. IMMANUEL
+succeeded in rediscovering most of the important philosophical ideas developed
+in western culture over the course of the last 25 centuries, including those
+underlying Plato's theory of government, Kant's metaphysics, Nietzsche's theory
+of value, and Husserl's phenomenology. In this seminar, we will describe
+IMMANUEL's achievements and internal architecture. We will also briefly
+discuss our recent efforts to apply wisdom engineering to oil exploration.
+%
+-- THE BATES MOTEL --
+ ... convenient
+ ... clean
+ ... cozy
+
+ Norman, knock loudly,
+ I'm in the shower.
+
+ M.
+%
+-- The writing implement is more potent than the claymore.
+-- All articles that coruscate with resplendence are not truly auriferous.
+-- When there are visible vapors having the prevenience in ignited carbonaceous
+ materials, there is conflagration.
+-- Sorting on the part of mendicants must be interdicted.
+-- A plethora of individuals wither expertise in culinary techniques vitiated
+ the potable concoction produced by steeping certain coupestibles.
+-- The person presenting the ultimate cachinnation possesses thereby the
+ optimal cachinnation.
+-- Eleemosynary deeds have their initial incidence intramurally.
+%
+... there are about 5,000 people who are part of that committee. These guys
+have a hard time sorting out what day to meet, and whether to eat croissants
+or doughnuts for breakfast -- let alone how to define how all these complex
+layers that are going to be agreed upon.
+ -- Craig Burton of Novell, Network World
+%
+... TheysaidDoyouseethebiggreenglowinthedarkhouseuponthehill?andIsaidYesIsee
+thebiggreenglowinthedarkhouseuponthehillTheresabigdarkforestbetweenmeandthe
+biggreenglowinthedarkhouseuponthehillandalittleoldladyridingonaHoovervacuum
+cleanersayingIllgetyoumyprettyandyourlittledogTototoo ...
+
+ I don't even *HAVE* a dog Toto...
+%
+... this is an awesome sight. The entire rebel resistance buried under six
+million hardbound copies of "The Naked Lunch."
+ -- The Firesign Theater
+%
+... though his invention worked superbly -- his theory was a crock of sewage
+from beginning to end.
+ -- Vernor Vinge, "The Peace War"
+%
+ U X
+e dUdX, e dX, cosine, secant, tangent, sine, 3.14159...
+%
+* UNIX is a Trademark of Bell Laboratories.
+%
+ VII. Certain bodies can pass through solid walls painted to resemble tunnel
+ entrances; others cannot.
+ This trompe l'oeil inconsistency has baffled generations, but at least
+ it is known that whoever paints an entrance on a wall's surface to
+ trick an opponent will be unable to pursue him into this theoretical
+ space. The painter is flattened against the wall when he attempts to
+ follow into the painting. This is ultimately a problem of art, not
+ of science.
+VIII. Any violent rearrangement of feline matter is impermanent.
+ Cartoon cats possess even more deaths than the traditional nine lives
+ might comfortably afford. They can be decimated, spliced, splayed,
+ accordion-pleated, spindled, or disassembled, but they cannot be
+ destroyed. After a few moments of blinking self pity, they reinflate,
+ elongate, snap back, or solidify.
+ IX. For every vengeance there is an equal and opposite revengeance.
+ This is the one law of animated cartoon motion that also applies to
+ the physical world at large. For that reason, we need the relief of
+ watching it happen to a duck instead.
+ X. Everything falls faster than an anvil.
+ Examples too numerous to mention from the Roadrunner cartoons.
+ -- Esquire, "O'Donnell's Laws of Cartoon Motion", June 1980
+%
+<< WAIT >>
+%
+... we must counterpose the overwhelming judgment provided by consistent
+observations and inferences by the thousands. The earth is billions of
+years old and its living creatures are linked by ties of evolutionary
+descent. Scientists stand accused of promoting dogma by so stating, but
+do we brand people illiberal when they proclaim that the earth is neither
+flat nor at the center of the universe? Science *has* taught us some
+things with confidence! Evolution on an ancient earth is as well
+established as our planet's shape and position. Our continuing struggle
+to understand how evolution happens (the "theory of evolution") does not
+cast our documentation of its occurrence -- the "fact of evolution" --
+into doubt.
+ -- Stephen Jay Gould, "The Verdict on Creationism",
+ The Skeptical Inquirer, Vol. XII No. 2.
+%
+... when fits of creativity run strong, more than one programmer or writer
+has been known to abandon the desktop for the more spacious floor.
+ -- Fred Brooks
+%
+... which reminds me of the Carrot family: Ma Carrot, Pa Carrot, and Baby
+Carrot. One fine spring day they decided to go out for a picnic. They all
+piled into their carrot-mobile and drive out to the country. But Pa Carrot
+wasn't watching where he was going and alas, he hit an oil slick and skidded
+right into a tree. Ma and Pa Carrot escaped with a few cuts and bruises, but
+poor Baby Carrot got broken in two. They frantically rushed him to the
+hospital and immediately the doctors started operating in a desperate attempt
+to save Baby Carrot's life. Ma and Pa Carrot were beside themselves with
+anxiety ... would poor little Baby Carrot make it?
+ After hours of waiting the doctor finally emerges, bleary-eyed and
+barely able to walk.
+ "Is he all right, is he all right?" Pa Carrot frantically stammers.
+ "Well, I have some good news and some bad news," replies the doctor.
+ Ma and Pa Carrot look at each other and blurt out, nearly in unison,
+"The good news first!"
+ "All right, the good news is that Baby Carrot will live."
+ "And the bad news? What's the bad news about our Baby Carrot?"
+The doctor puts his hand on Pa Carrot's shoulder and solemnly looks him in
+the eye. "Your son will live... but... he'll be a vegetable for the rest of
+his life."
+%
+!07/11 PDP a ni deppart m'I !pleH
+%
+1: A sheet of paper is an ink-lined plane.
+2: An inclined plane is a slope up.
+3: A slow pup is a lazy dog.
+
+QED: A sheet of paper is a lazy dog.
+ -- Willard Espy, "An Almanac of Words at Play"
+%
+(1) Office employees will daily sweep the floors, dust the
+ furniture, shelves, and showcases.
+(2) Each day fill lamps, clean chimneys, and trim wicks.
+ Wash the windows once a week.
+(3) Each clerk will bring a bucket of water and a scuttle of
+ coal for the day's business.
+(4) Make your pens carefully. You may whittle nibs to your
+ individual taste.
+(5) This office will open at 7 a.m. and close at 8 p.m. except
+ on the Sabbath, on which day we will remain closed. Each
+ employee is expected to spend the Sabbath by attending
+ church and contributing liberally to the cause of the Lord.
+ -- "Office Worker's Guide", New England Carriage
+ Works, 1872
+%
+1 + 1 = 3, for large values of 1.
+%
+1. If it doesn't smell like chilli, it probably isn't.
+2. If you catch an exploding manhole cover, you can keep it.
+3. Cabs driving on the sidewalk are not permitted to pick up passengers.
+4. It's bad manners to lie down inside someone else's chalk body outline.
+5. Don't lick food from a stranger's beard.
+6. Avoid paperwork for your next of kin by keeping dental records on you.
+7. Jon Gotti Always has the right of way.
+8. Yelling at cab drivers in English wastes your time and theirs.
+9. Remember: Regular hot dogs do not have fingernails.
+10. The city does not employ so called "Wallet Inspectors".
+ -- David Letterman, "Top Ten New York City Pedestrian Tips"
+%
+[1] Alexander the Great was a great general.
+[2] Great generals are forewarned.
+[3] Forewarned is forearmed.
+[4] Four is an even number.
+[5] Four is certainly an odd number of arms for a man to have.
+[6] The only number that is both even and odd is infinity.
+ Therefore, Alexander the Great had an infinite number of arms.
+%
+[1] Alexander the Great was a great general.
+[2] Great generals are forewarned.
+[3] Forewarned is forearmed.
+[4] Four is an even number.
+[5] Four is certainly an odd number of arms for a man to have.
+[6] The only number that is both even and odd is infinity.
+ Therefore, all horses are black.
+%
+1. Avoid fried meats which angry up the blood.
+2. If your stomach antagonizes you, pacify it with cool thoughts.
+3. Keep the juices flowing by jangling around gently as you move.
+4. Go very lightly on the vices, such as carrying on in society, as
+ the social ramble ain't restful.
+5. Avoid running at all times.
+6. Don't look back, something might be gaining on you.
+ -- S. Paige, c. 1951
+%
+1 Billion dollars of budget deficit = 1 Gramm-Rudman
+6.023 x 10 to the 23rd power alligator pears = Avocado's number
+2 pints = 1 Cavort
+Basic unit of Laryngitis = The Hoarsepower
+Shortest distance between two jokes = A straight line
+6 Curses = 1 Hexahex
+3500 Calories = 1 Food Pound
+1 Mole = 007 Secret Agents
+1 Mole = 25 Cagey Bees
+1 Dog Pound = 16 oz. of Alpo
+1000 beers served at a Twins game = 1 Killibrew
+2.4 statute miles of surgical tubing at Yale U. = 1 I.V.League
+2000 pounds of chinese soup = 1 Won Ton
+10 to the minus 6th power mouthwashes = 1 Microscope
+Speed of a tortoise breaking the sound barrier = 1 Machturtle
+8 Catfish = 1 Octo-puss
+365 Days of drinking Lo-Cal beer. = 1 Lite-year
+16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Serling
+Force needed to accelerate 2.2lbs of cookies = 1 Fig-newton
+ to 1 meter per second
+One half large intestine = 1 Semicolon
+10 to the minus 6th power Movie = 1 Microfilm
+1000 pains = 1 Megahertz
+1 Word = 1 Millipicture
+1 Sagan = Billions & Billions
+1 Angstrom: measure of computer anxiety = 1000 nail-bytes
+10 to the 12th power microphones = 1 Megaphone
+10 to the 6th power Bicycles = 2 megacycles
+The amount of beauty required launch 1 ship = 1 Millihelen
+%
+1 bulls, 3 cows.
+%
+1) Everything depends.
+2) Nothing is always.
+3) Everything is sometimes.
+%
+1) Never draw what you can copy.
+2) Never copy what you can trace.
+3) Never trace what you can cut out and paste down.
+%
+1. Never give anything away for nothing. 2. Never give more than
+you have to (always catch the buyer hungry and always make him wait).
+3. Always take back everything if you possibly can.
+ -- William S. Burroughs, on drug pushing
+%
+1: No code table for op: ++post
+%
+1) X=Y ; Given
+2) X^2=XY ; Multiply both sides by X
+3) X^2-Y^2=XY-Y^2 ; Subtract Y^2 from both sides
+4) (X+Y)(X-Y)=Y(X-Y) ; Factor
+5) X+Y=Y ; Cancel out (X-Y) term
+6) 2Y=Y ; Substitute X for Y, by equation 1
+7) 2=1 ; Divide both sides by Y
+ -- "Omni", proof that 2 equals 1
+%
+10. Not everybody looks good naked.
+ 9. Joe Garagiola was a hell of an emcee.
+ 8. Joe Cocker really should stick with decaffeinated coffee.
+ 7. Fringe! Fringe! Fringe!
+ 6. If you've got 72 hours to kill, you can probably find room for Sha Na Na.
+ 5. Never attend an event with a 50,000 to 1 person to Port-A-San ratio.
+ 4. Bellbottoms will never go out of style.
+ 3. A drum solo cannot be too long.
+ 2. I, David Letterman, will never rent out my farm again.
+ 1. We are stardust. We are golden. We are going to look really stupid to
+ future generations.
+ -- David Letterman, Top Ten Lessons of Woodstock
+%
+10 Reasons Why a Beer is Better Than a Woman:
+
+ 1. A beer won't make you go to church.
+ 2. A beer is more likely to know how to spell "carburetor" than a woman.
+ 3. A beer doesn't think baseball is stupid simply because the guys spit.
+ 4. A beer doesn't give a [expletive deleted] if you keep a bunch of
+ other beers on the side.
+ 5. A beer will not call you a sexist pig if you say "doberman" instead of
+ "doberperson".
+ 6. A beer won't get a job as a DJ and play 5 straight hours of lesbian
+ folk music on yer fave radio station.
+ 7. A beer understands why The Three Stooges are funny.
+ 8. A beer won't raise a fuss about a little thing like leaving the
+ toilet seat up.
+ 9. A beer doesn't think that a "three-hundred-fifty cubic-inch V8" is an
+ enormous can of vegetable juice.
+10. A beer won't smoke in your car.
+%
+100 buckets of bits on the bus
+100 buckets of bits
+Take one down, short it to ground
+FF buckets of bits on the bus
+
+FF buckets of bits on the bus
+FF buckets of bits
+Take one down, short it to ground
+FE buckets of bits on the bus...
+
+ad infinitum...
+%
+$100 placed at 7 percent interest compounded quarterly for 200 years will
+increase to more than $100,000,000 -- by which time it will be worth nothing.
+ -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough For Love"
+%
+10.0 times 0.1 is hardly ever 1.0.
+%
+1/2 oz. gin
+1/2 oz. vodka
+1/2 oz. rum (preferably dark)
+3/4 oz. tequilla
+1/2 oz. triple sec
+1/2 oz. orange juice
+3/4 oz. sour mix
+1/2 oz. cola
+shake with ice and strain into frosted glass.
+ Long Island Iced Tea
+%
+13. ... r-q1
+%
+17. HO HUM -- The Redundant
+
+------- (7) This hexagram refers to a situation of extreme
+--- --- (8) boredom. Your programs always bomb off. Your wife
+------- (7) smells bad. Your children have hives. You are working
+---O--- (6) on an accounting system, when you want to develop
+---X--- (9) the GREAT AMERICAN COMPILER. You give up hot dates
+--- --- (8) to nurse sick computers. What you need now is sex.
+
+Nine in the second place means:
+ The yellow bird approaches the malt shop. Misfortune.
+
+Six in the third place means:
+ In former times men built altars to honor the Internal
+ Revenue Service. Great Dragons! Are you in trouble!
+%
+17th Rule of Friendship:
+
+A friend will refrain from telling you he picked up the same amount
+of life insurance coverage you did for half the price when yours is
+noncancellable.
+ -- Esquire, May 1977
+%
+186,000 miles per second:
+It isn't just a good idea, it's the law!
+%
+1893 The ideal brain tonic
+1900 Drink Coca-Cola -- delicious and refreshing -- 5 cents at all
+ soda fountains
+1905 Is the favorite drink for LADIES when thirsty -- weary -- despondent
+1905 Refreshes the weary, brightens the intellect and clears the brain
+1906 The drink of QUALITY
+1907 Good to the last drop
+1907 It satisfies the thirst and pleases the palate
+1907 Refreshing as a summer breeze. Delightful as a Dip in the Sea
+1908 The Drink that Cheers but does not inebriate
+1917 There's a delicious freshness to the taste of Coca-Cola
+1919 It satisfies thirst
+1919 The taste is the test
+1922 Every glass holds the answer to thirst
+1922 Thirst knows no season
+1925 Enjoy the sociable drink
+ -- Coca-Cola slogans
+%
+1925 With a drink so good, 'tis folly to be thirsty
+1929 The high sign of refreshment
+1929 The pause that refreshes
+1930 It had to be good to get where it is
+1932 The drink that makes a pause refreshing
+1935 The pause that brings friends together
+1937 STOP for a pause... GO refreshed
+1938 The best friend thirst ever had
+1939 Thirst stops here
+1942 It's the real thing
+1947 Have a Coke
+1961 Zing! what a REFRESHING NEW FEELING
+1963 Things go better with Coke
+1969 Face Uncle Sam with a Coke in your hand
+1979 Have a Coke and a smile
+1982 Coke is it!
+ -- Coca-Cola slogans
+%
+1st graffitiest: QUESTION AUTHORITY!
+
+2nd graffitiest: Why?
+%
+$3,000,000.
+%
+355/113 --
+ Not the famous irrational number PI, but an incredible simulation.
+%
+3M, under the Scotch brand name, manufactures a fine adhesive for art
+and display work. This product is called "Craft Mount". 3M suggests
+that to obtain the best results, one should make the bond "while the
+adhesive is wet, aggressively tacky." I did not know what "aggressively
+tacky" meant until I read today's fortune.
+
+ [And who said we didn't offer equal time, huh? Ed.]
+%
+3rd Law of Computing:
+ Anything that can go wr
+fortune: Segmentation violation -- Core dumped
+%
+40 isn't old. If you're a tree.
+%
+4.2 BSD UNIX #57: Sun Jun 1 23:02:07 EDT 1986
+
+You swing at the Sun. You miss. The Sun swings. He hits you with a
+575MB disk! You read the 575MB disk. It is written in an alien
+tongue and cannot be read by your tired Sun-2 eyes. You throw the
+575MB disk at the Sun. You hit! The Sun must repair your eyes. The
+Sun reads a scroll. He hits your 130MB disk! He has defeated the
+130MB disk! The Sun reads a scroll. He hits your Ethernet board! He
+has defeated your Ethernet board! You read a scroll of "postpone until
+Monday at 9 AM". Everything goes dark...
+ -- /etc/motd, cbosgd
+%
+(6) Men employees will be given time off each week for courting
+ purposes, or two evenings a week if they go regularly to church.
+(7) After an employee has spent his thirteen hours of labor in the
+ office, he should spend the remaining time reading the Bible
+ and other good books.
+(8) Every employee should lay aside from each pay packet a goodly
+ sum of his earnings for his benefit during his declining years,
+ so that he will not become a burden on society or his betters.
+(9) Any employee who smokes Spanish cigars, uses alcoholic drink
+ in any form, frequents pool tables and public halls, or gets
+ shaved in a barber's shop, will give me good reason to suspect
+ his worth, intentions, integrity and honesty.
+(10) The employee who has performed his labours faithfully and
+ without a fault for five years, will be given an increase of
+ five cents per day in his pay, providing profits from the
+ business permit it.
+ -- "Office Worker's Guide", New England Carriage
+ Works, 1872
+%
+6 oz. orange juice
+1 oz. vodka
+1/2 oz. Galliano
+ Harvey Wallbangers
+%
+7:30, Channel 5: The Bionic Dog (Action/Adventure)
+ The Bionic Dog drinks too much and kicks over the National
+ Redwood Forest.
+
+7:30, Channel 8: The Bionic Dog (Action/Adventure)
+ The Bionic Dog gets a hormonal short-circuit and violates the
+ Mann Act with an interstate Greyhound bus.
+%
+90% of the work takes 90% of the time.
+The remaining 10% takes the other 90% of the time.
+%
+94% of the women in America are beautiful
+and the rest hang out around here.
+%
+99 blocks of crud on the disk,
+99 blocks of crud!
+You patch a bug, and dump it again:
+100 blocks of crud on the disk!
+
+100 blocks of crud on the disk,
+100 blocks of crud!
+You patch a bug, and dump it again:
+101 blocks of crud on the disk!
+%
+A truly great man will neither trample on a worm nor sneak to an emperor.
+ -- B. Franklin
+%
+A baby is an alimentary canal with a loud voice
+at one end and no responsibility at the other.
+%
+A bachelor is a man who never made the same mistake once.
+%
+A bachelor is a selfish, undeserving guy
+who has cheated some woman out of a divorce.
+ -- Don Quinn
+%
+A bachelor is an unaltared male.
+%
+A bachelor never quite gets over the idea that he is a thing of beauty
+and a boy for ever.
+ -- Helen Rowland
+%
+A bad marriage is like a horse with a broken leg, you can shoot
+the horse, but it don't fix the leg.
+%
+A bank is a place where they lend you an umbrella in fair weather and
+ask for it back the when it begins to rain.
+ -- Robert Frost
+%
+A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the
+sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain.
+ -- Mark Twain
+%
+A beautiful woman is a blessing from Heaven, but a good cigar is a smoke.
+ -- Kipling
+%
+A beautiful woman is a picture which drives all beholders nobly mad.
+ -- Emerson
+%
+A beer delayed is a beer denied.
+%
+A beginning is the time for taking the
+most delicate care that balances are correct.
+ -- Princess Irulan, "Manual of Maud'Dib"
+%
+A billion here, a billion there -- pretty soon it adds up to real money.
+ -- Sen. Everett Dirksen, on the U.S. defense budget
+%
+A billion seconds ago Harry Truman was president.
+A billion minutes ago was just after the time of Christ.
+A billion hours ago man had not yet walked on earth.
+A billion dollars ago was late yesterday afternoon at the U.S. Treasury.
+%
+A biologist, a statistician, a mathematician and a computer scientist are on
+a photo-safari in Africa. As they're driving along the savannah in their
+jeep, they stop and scout the horizon with their binoculars.
+
+The biologist: "Look! A herd of zebras! And there's a white zebra!
+ Fantastic! We'll be famous!"
+The statistician: "Hey, calm down, it's not significant. We only know
+ there's one white zebra."
+The mathematician: "Actually, we only know there exists a zebra, which is
+ white on one side."
+The computer scientist : "Oh, no! A special case!"
+%
+A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.
+ -- Cervantes
+%
+A bird in the hand is worth what it will bring.
+%
+A bird in the hand makes it awfully hard to blow your nose.
+%
+A bit of talcum
+Is always walcum
+ -- Ogden Nash
+%
+A black cat crossing your path signifies
+that the animal is going somewhere.
+ -- Groucho Marx
+%
+A book is the work of a mind, doing its work in the way that a mind deems
+best. That's dangerous. Is the work of some mere individual mind likely to
+serve the aims of collectively accepted compromises, which are known in the
+schools as 'standards'? Any mind that would audaciously put itself forth to
+work all alone is surely a bad example for the students, and probably, if
+not downright antisocial, at least a little off-center, self-indulgent,
+elitist. ... It's just good pedagogy, therefore, to stay away from such
+stuff, and use instead, if film-strips and rap-sessions must be
+supplemented, 'texts,' selected, or prepared, or adapted, by real
+professionals. Those texts are called 'reading material.' They are the
+academic equivalent of the 'listening material' that fills waiting-rooms,
+and the 'eating material' that you can buy in thousands of convenient eating
+resource centers along the roads.
+ -- The Underground Grammarian
+%
+A bore is a man who talks so much about
+himself that you can't talk about yourself.
+%
+A bore is someone who persists in holding his
+own views after we have enlightened him with ours.
+%
+A boss with no humor is like a job that's no fun.
+%
+A box without hinges, key, or lid,
+Yet golden treasure inside is hid.
+ -- J.R. Tolkien
+%
+A boy can learn a lot from a dog: obedience, loyalty, and the importance
+of turning around three times before lying down.
+ -- Robert Benchley
+%
+A boy gets to be a man when a man is needed.
+ -- John Steinbeck
+%
+A budget is just a method of worrying
+before you spend money, as well as afterward.
+%
+A bug in the code is worth two in the documentation.
+%
+A bug in the hand is better than one as yet undetected.
+%
+A bunch of Polish scientists decided to flee their repressive government by
+hijacking an airliner and forcing the pilot to fly them to the West. They
+drove to the airport, forced their way on board a large passenger jet, and
+found there was no pilot on board. Terrified, they listened as the sirens
+got louder. Finally, one of the scientists suggested that since he was an
+experimentalist, he would try to fly the aircraft.
+ He sat down at the controls and tried to figure them out. The sirens
+got louder and louder. Armed men surrounded the jet. The would be pilot's
+friends cried out, "Please, please take off now!!! Hurry!!!"
+ The experimentalist calmly replied, "Have patience. I'm just a simple
+pole in a complex plane."
+%
+A bunch of the boys were whooping it in the Malemute saloon;
+The kid that handles the music box was hitting a jag-time tune;
+Back of the bar, in a solo game, sat Dangerous Dan McGrew,
+And watching his luck was his light-o'-love, the lady that's known as Lou.
+ -- Robert W. Service
+%
+A bureaucrat's idea of cleaning up his files
+is to make a copy of everything before he destroys it.
+%
+A businessman is a hybrid of a dancer and a calculator.
+ -- Paul Valery
+%
+"A can of ASPARAGUS, 73 pigeons, some LIVE ammo, and a FROZEN DAIQURI!!"
+ -- Zippy the Pinhead
+%
+A candidate is a person who gets money from the rich
+and votes from the poor to protect them from each other.
+%
+A cannibal warrior is experiencing severe gastric distress, so he goes
+to his Village Witch Doctor with his complaint. The VWD examines him
+and, concluding that something he ate disagreed with him, began to cross
+examine him about his recent diet.
+ "Well, I ate a missionary yesterday. Do you think that could be
+the problem?"
+ The VWD says "Hmmmm." (All doctors say "Hmmmm.") "That could be.
+Tell me a bit about this missionary."
+ "Well, he was tall for a white man, wearing a brown robe. He was
+walking down the trail, not watching for danger, so I speared him, dragged
+him home, cleaned him, boiled him and ate him."
+ "Ah-hah!" (All doctors say "Ah-hah!") There's your problem," smiles
+the VWD. You boiled him, but he was a friar!"
+%
+A career is great, but you can't run your fingers through its hair.
+%
+A castaway was washed ashore after many days on the open sea. The island
+on which he landed was populated by savage cannibals who tied him, dazed
+and exhausted, to a thick stake. They then proceeded to cut his arms
+with their spears and drink his blood. This continued for several days
+until the castaway could stand no more. He yelled for the cannibal chief
+and declared, "You can kill me if you want to, but this torture with the
+spears has got to stop. Dammit, I'm tired of getting stuck for the drinks."
+%
+A casual stroll through a lunatic asylum shows that faith
+does not prove anything.
+ -- Friedrich Nietzsche
+%
+A celebrity is a person who is known for his well-knownness.
+%
+A certain amount of opposition is a help, not a hindrance.
+Kites rise against the wind, not with it.
+%
+A certain monk had a habit of pestering the Grand Tortue (the only one who
+had ever reached the Enlightenment 'Yond Enlightenment), by asking whether
+various objects had Buddha-nature or not. To such a question Tortue
+invariably sat silent. The monk had already asked about a bean, a lake,
+and a moonlit night. One day he brought to Tortue a piece of string, and
+asked the same question. In reply, the Grand Tortue grasped the loop
+between his feet and, with a few simple manipulations, created a complex
+string which he proferred wordlessly to the monk. At that moment, the monk
+was enlightened.
+
+From then on, the monk did not bother Tortue. Instead, he made string after
+string by Tortue's method; and he passed the method on to his own disciples,
+who passed it on to theirs.
+%
+A certain old cat had made his home in the alley behind Gabe's bar for some
+time, subsisting on scraps and occasional handouts from the bartender. One
+evening, emboldened by hunger, the feline attempted to follow Gabe through
+the back door. Regrettably, only the his body had made it through when
+the door slammed shut, severing the cat's tail at its base. This proved too
+much for the old creature, who looked sadly at Gabe and expired on the spot.
+ Gabe put the carcass back out in the alley and went back to business.
+The mandatory closing time arrived and Gabe was in the process of locking up
+after the last customers had gone. Approaching the back door he was startled
+to see an apparition of the old cat mournfully holding its severed tail out,
+silently pleading for Gabe to put the tail back on its corpse so that it could
+go on to the kitty afterworld complete.
+ Gabe shook his head sadly and said to the ghost, "I can't. You know
+the law -- no retailing spirits after 2:00 AM."
+%
+A Chicago salesman was about to check into a St. Louis hotel when he noticed
+a very charming woman staring admiringly at him. He walked over and spoke
+with her for a few minutes, then returned to the front desk, where they checked
+in as Mr. and Mrs.
+ After a very pleasurable three-day stay, the man approached the front
+desk and told the clerk he was checking out. In a few minutes, he was handed
+a bill for $2500.
+ "There must be some mistake," the salesman said. "I've been here for
+only three days."
+ "Yes, sir," the clerk replied. "But your wife has been here a month
+and a half."
+%
+A chicken is an egg's way of producing more eggs.
+%
+A child can go only so far in life without potty training. It is not mere
+coincidence that six of the last seven presidents were potty trained, not
+to mention nearly half of the nation's state legislators.
+ -- Dave Barry
+%
+A Christian is a man who feels repentance on Sunday for what he did on
+Saturday and is going to do on Monday.
+ -- Thomas Ybarra
+%
+A chronic disposition to inquiry
+deprives domestic felines of vital qualities.
+%
+A chubby man with a white beard and a red suit
+will approach you soon. Avoid him. He's a Commie.
+%
+A citizen of America will cross the ocean to fight for democracy, but
+won't cross the street to vote in a national election.
+ -- Bill Vaughan
+%
+A city is a large community where people are lonesome together.
+ -- Herbert Prochnow
+%
+A clash of doctrine is not a disaster - it is an opportunity.
+%
+A classic is something that everyone wants to have read
+and nobody wants to read.
+ -- Mark Twain, "The Disappearance of Literature"
+%
+A clever prophet makes sure of the event first.
+%
+A closed mouth gathers no foot.
+%
+A cloud does not know why it moves in just such a direction and at such
+a speed, if feels an impulsion... this is the place to go now. But the
+sky knows the reasons and the patterns behind all clouds, and you will
+know, too, when you lift yourself high enough to see beyond horizons.
+ -- Messiah's Handbook : Reminders for the Advanced Soul
+%
+A CODE OF ETHICAL BEHAVIOR FOR PATIENTS:
+
+1. DO NOT EXPECT YOUR DOCTOR TO SHARE YOUR DISCOMFORT.
+ Involvement with the patient's suffering might cause him to lose
+ valuable scientific objectivity.
+
+2. BE CHEERFUL AT ALL TIMES.
+ Your doctor leads a busy and trying life and requires all the
+ gentleness and reassurance he can get.
+
+3. TRY TO SUFFER FROM THE DISEASE FOR WHICH YOU ARE BEING TREATED.
+ Remember that your doctor has a professional reputation to uphold.
+%
+A CODE OF ETHICAL BEHAVIOR FOR PATIENTS:
+
+4. DO NOT COMPLAIN IF THE TREATMENT FAILS TO BRING RELIEF.
+ You must believe that your doctor has achieved a deep insight into
+ the true nature of your illness, which transcends any mere permanent
+ disability you may have experienced.
+
+5. NEVER ASK YOUR DOCTOR TO EXPLAIN WHAT HE IS DOING OR WHY HE IS DOING IT.
+ It is presumptuous to assume that such profound matters could be
+ explained in terms that you would understand.
+
+6. SUBMIT TO NOVEL EXPERIMANTAL TREATMENT READILY.
+ Though the surgery may not benefit you directly, the resulting
+ research paper will surely be of widespread interest.
+%
+A CODE OF ETHICAL BEHAVIOR FOR PATIENTS:
+
+7. PAY YOUR MEDICAL BILLS PROMPTLY AND WILLINGLY.
+ You should consider it a privilege to contribute, however modestly,
+ to the well-being of physicians and other humanitarians.
+
+8. DO NOT SUFFER FROM AILMENTS THAT YOU CANNOT AFFORD.
+ It is sheer arrogance to contract illnesses that are beyond your means.
+
+9. NEVER REVEAL ANY OF THE SHORTCOMINGS THAT HAVE COME TO LIGHT IN THE COURSE
+ OF TREATMENT BY YOUR DOCTOR.
+ The patient-doctor relationship is a privileged one, and you have a
+ sacred duty to protect him from exposure.
+
+10. NEVER DIE WHILE IN YOUR DOCTOR'S PRESENCE OR UNDER HIS DIRECT CARE.
+ This will only cause him needless inconvenience and embarrassment.
+%
+A Code of Honour: never approach a friend's girlfriend or wife with mischief
+as your goal. There are too many women in the world to justify that sort of
+dishonourable behaviour. Unless she's really attractive.
+ -- Bruce J. Friedman, "Sex and the Lonely Guy"
+%
+A committee is a group that keeps the minutes and loses hours.
+ -- Milton Berle
+%
+A committee is a life form with six or more legs and no brain.
+ -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough For Love"
+%
+A committee takes root and grows, it flowers, wilts and dies,
+scattering the seed from which other committees will bloom.
+ -- Parkinson
+%
+A commune is where people join together to share their lack of wealth.
+ -- R. Stallman
+%
+A company is known by the men it keeps.
+%
+A complex system that works is invariably
+found to have evolved from a simple system that works.
+%
+A compliment is something like a kiss through a veil.
+ -- Victor Hugo
+%
+[A computer is] like an Old Testament god, with a lot of rules and no mercy.
+ -- Joseph Campbell
+%
+A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any other invention,
+with the possible exceptions of handguns and Tequilla.
+ -- Mitch Ratcliffe
+%
+A computer salesman visits a company president for the purpose of selling
+the president one of the latest talking computers.
+Salesman: "This machine knows everything. I can ask it any question
+ and it'll give the correct answer. Computer, what is the
+ speed of light?"
+Computer: 186,000 miles per second.
+Salesman: "Who was the first president of the United States?"
+Computer: George Washington.
+President: "I'm still not convinced. Let me ask a question.
+ Where is my father?"
+Computer: Your father is fishing in Georgia.
+President: "Hah!! The computer is wrong. My father died over twenty
+ years ago!"
+Computer: Your mother's husband died 22 years ago. Your father just
+ landed a twelve pound bass.
+%
+A computer scientist is someone who fixes things that aren't broken.
+%
+A computer without COBOL and Fortran is like a piece of chocolate
+cake without ketchup and mustard.
+%
+A conclusion is simply the place where someone got tired of thinking.
+%
+A conference is a gathering of important people who singly can
+do nothing but together can decide that nothing can be done.
+ -- Fred Allen
+%
+A CONS is an object which cares.
+ -- Bernie Greenberg.
+%
+A conservative is a man who is too cowardly to fight and too fat to run.
+ -- Elbert Hubbard
+%
+A conservative is a man
+who believes that nothing should be done for the first time.
+ -- Alfred E. Wiggam
+%
+A conservative is a man
+with two perfectly good legs who has never learned to walk.
+ -- Franklin D. Roosevelt
+%
+A conservative is one who is too cowardly to fight and too fat to run.
+%
+A couch is as good as a chair.
+%
+A countryman between two lawyers is like a fish between two cats.
+ -- B. Franklin
+%
+A couple of young fellers were fishing at their special pond off the
+beaten track when out of the bushes jumped the Game Warden. Immediately,
+one of the boys threw his rod down and started running through the woods
+like the proverbial bat out of hell, and hot on his heels ran the Game
+Warden. After about a half mile the fella stopped and stooped over with
+his hands on his thighs, whooping and heaving to catch his breath as the
+Game Warden finally caught up to him.
+ "Let's see yer fishin' license, boy," the Warden gasped. The
+man pulled out his wallet and gave the Game Warden a valid fishing
+license.
+ "Well, son", snarled the Game Warden, "You must be about as dumb
+as a box of rocks! You didn't have to run if you have a license!"
+ "Yes, sir," replied his victim, "but, well, see, my friend back
+there, he don't have one!"
+%
+A cousin of mine once said about money,
+money is always there but the pockets change;
+it is not in the same pockets after a change,
+and that is all there is to say about money.
+ -- Gertrude Stein
+%
+A cow is a completely automated milk-manufacturing machine. It is encased
+in untanned leather and mounted on four vertical, movable supports, one at
+each corner. The front end of the machine, or input, contains the cutting
+and grinding mechanism, utilizing a unique feedback device. Here also are
+the headlights, air inlet and exhaust, a bumper and a foghorn.
+ At the rear, the machine carries the milk-dispensing equipment as
+well as a built-in flyswatter and insect repeller. The central portion
+houses a hydro- chemical-conversion unit. Briefly, this consists of four
+fermentation and storage tanks connected in series by an intricate network
+of flexible plumbing. This assembly also contains the central heating plant
+complete with automatic temperature controls, pumping station and main
+ventilating system. The waste disposal apparatus is located to the rear of
+this central section.
+ Cows are available fully-assembled in an assortment of sizes and
+colors. Production output ranges from 2 to 20 tons of milk per year. In
+brief, the main external visible features of the cow are: two lookers, two
+hookers, four stander-uppers, four hanger-downers, and a swishy-wishy.
+%
+A critic is a bundle of biases held loosely together by a sense of taste.
+ -- Whitney Balliett
+%
+A "critic" is a man who creates nothing and thereby feels
+qualified to judge the work of creative men. There is logic
+in this; he is unbiased -- he hates all creative people equally.
+%
+A cynic is a person searching for an honest man, with a stolen lantern.
+ -- Edgar A. Shoaff
+%
+A day for firm decisions!!!!! Or is it?
+%
+A day without orange juice is like a day without orange juice.
+%
+A day without sunshine is like a day without Anita Bryant.
+%
+A day without sunshine is like a day without orange juice.
+%
+A day without sunshine is like night.
+%
+A dead man cannot bite.
+ -- Gnaeus Pompeius (Pompey)
+%
+A debugged program is one for which you have
+not yet found the conditions that make it fail.
+ -- Jerry Ogdin
+%
+A decade after Vietnam, we still cannot understand why "their"
+Salvadorans fight better than "our" Salvadorans. It is not a matter of
+their training or their equipment. It has to do with the quality of the
+society we are asking them to risk death defending. The metaphor of the
+domino obscures this reality, and the cost our self-imposed blindness
+is high. San Salvador is closer to Saigon than to Munich.
+ -- William LeoGrande, "New York Times", 3/9/83
+%
+A Difficulty for Every Solution.
+ -- Motto of the Federal Civil Service
+%
+A diplomat is a man who can convince his
+wife she'd look stout in a fur coat.
+%
+A diplomat is a man who can tell you to
+go to hell and make the trip sound pleasurable.
+ -- Samuel Clemens
+%
+A diplomat is a person who can tell you to go to hell
+in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.
+ -- Caskie Stinnett, "Out of the Red"
+%
+A diplomat is man who always remembers a woman's birthday but never her age.
+ -- Robert Frost
+%
+A diplomatic husband said to his wife, "How do you expect me to remember
+your birthday when you never look any older?"
+%
+A diplomat's life consists of three things: protocol, Geritol, and alcohol.
+ -- Adlai Stevenson
+%
+A distraught patient phoned her doctor's office. "Was it true," the woman
+inquired, "that the medication the doctor had prescribed was for the rest
+of her life?"
+ She was told that it was. There was just a moment of silence before
+the woman proceeded bravely on. "Well, I'm wondering, then, how serious my
+condition is. This prescription is marked `NO REFILLS'".
+%
+A diva who specializes in risque arias is an off-coloratura soprano.
+%
+A doctor calls his patient to give him the results of his tests. "I have
+some bad news," says the doctor, "and some worse news." The bad news is
+that you only have six weeks to live."
+ "Oh, no," says the patient. "What could possibly be worse than
+that?"
+ "Well," the doctor replies, "I've been trying to reach you since
+last Monday."
+%
+A doctor was stranded with a lawyer in a leaky life raft in shark-infested
+waters. The doctor tried to swim ashore but was eaten by the sharks. The
+lawyer, however, swam safely past the bloodthirsty sharks. "Professional
+courtesy," he explained.
+%
+A door is what a dog is perpetually on the wrong side of.
+ -- Ogden Nash
+%
+A drama critic is a person who surprises a playwright by informing him
+what he meant.
+ -- Wilson Mizner
+%
+A dream will always triumph over reality, once it is given the chance.
+ -- Stanislaw Lem
+%
+A Dublin lawyer died in poverty and many barristers of the city subscribed to
+a fund for his funeral. The Lord Chief Justice of Orbury was asked to donate
+a shilling. "Only a shilling?" exclaimed the man. "Only a shilling to bury
+an attorney? Here's a guinea; go and bury twenty of them."
+%
+A fail-safe circuit will destroy others.
+ -- Klipstein
+%
+A failure will not appear until a unit has passed final inspection.
+%
+A fair exterior is a silent recommendation.
+ -- Publilius Syrus
+%
+A fake fortuneteller can be tolerated. But an authentic soothsayer
+should be shot on sight. Cassandra did not get half the kicking around
+she deserved.
+ -- R.A. Heinlein
+%
+A famous Lisp Hacker noticed an Undergraduate sitting in front of a Xerox
+1108, trying to edit a complex Klone network via a browser. Wanting to help,
+the Hacker clicked one of the nodes in the network with the mouse, and asked
+"what do you see?" Very earnestly, the Undergraduate replied, "I see a
+cursor." The Hacker then quickly pressed the boot toggle at the back of
+the keyboard, while simultaneously hitting the Undergraduate over the head
+with a thick Interlisp Manual. The Undergraduate was then Enlightened.
+%
+A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the subject.
+ -- Winston Churchill
+%
+A farmer is a man outstanding in his field.
+%
+A feed salesman is on his way to a farm. As he's driving along at forty
+m.p.h., he looks out his car window and sees a three-legged chicken running
+alongside him, keeping pace with his car. He is amazed that a chicken is
+running at forty m.p.h. So he speeds up to forty-five, fifty, then sixty
+m.p.h. The chicken keeps right up with him the whole way, then suddenly
+takes off and disappears into the distance.
+ The man pulls into the farmyard and says to the farmer, "You know,
+the strangest thing just happened to me; I was driving along at at least
+sixty miles an hour and a chicken passed me like I was standing still!"
+ "Yeah," the farmer replies, "that chicken was ours. You see, there's
+me, and there's Ma, and there's our son Billy. Whenever we had chicken for
+dinner, we would all want a drumstick, so we'd have to kill two chickens.
+So we decided to try and breed a three-legged chicken so each of us could
+have a drumstick."
+ "How do they taste?" said the farmer.
+ "Don't know," replied the farmer. "We haven't been able to catch
+one yet."
+%
+A fellow bought a new car, a Nissan, and was quite happy with his purchase.
+He was something of an animist, however, and felt that the car really ought
+to have a name. This presented a problem, as he was not sure if the name
+should be masculine or feminine.
+ After considerable thought, he settled on an naming the car either
+Belchazar or Beaumadine, but remained in a quandry about the final choice.
+ "Is a Nissan male or female?" he began asking his friends. Most of
+them looked at him pecularly, mumbled things about urgent appointments, and
+went on their way rather quickly.
+ He finally broached the question to a lady he knew who held a black
+belt in judo. She thought for a moment and answered "Feminine."
+ The swiftness of her response puzzled him. "You're sure of that?" he
+asked.
+ "Certainly," she replied. "They wouldn't sell very well if they were
+masculine."
+ "Unhhh... Well, why not?"
+ "Because people want a car with a reputation for going when you want
+it to. And, if Nissan's are female, it's like they say... `Each Nissan, she
+go!'"
+
+ [No, we WON'T explain it; go ask someone who practices an oriental
+ martial art. (Tai Chi Chuan probably doesn't count.) Ed.]
+%
+A few hours grace before the madness begins again.
+%
+A figure with curves always offers a lot of interesting angles.
+%
+A fisherman from Maine went to Alabama on his vacation. He rented a boat,
+rowed out to the middle of the lake, and cast his line, but when he looked
+down into the water he was horrified to see a man wrapped in chains lying
+on the bottom of the lake. He quickly rowed to shore and ran to the police
+station. "Sheriff, sheriff," he gasped, there's a guy wrapped in chains,
+drowned in the lake!"
+ "Now ain't that jest like a Yankee," drawled the sheriff, "to steal
+more chain than he can swim with?"
+%
+A fitter fits; Though sinners sin
+A cutter cuts; And thinners thin
+And an aircraft spotter spots; And paper-blotters blot
+A baby-sitter I've never yet
+Baby-sits -- Had letters let
+But an otter never ots. Or seen an otter ot.
+
+A batter bats
+(Or scatters scats);
+A potting shed's for potting;
+But no one's found
+A bounder bound
+Or caught an otter otting.
+ -- Ralph Lewin
+%
+A flashy Mercedes-Benz roared up to the curb where a cute young miss stood
+waiting for a taxi.
+ "Hi," said the gentleman at the wheel. "I'm going west."
+ "How wonderful," came the cool reply. "Bring me back an orange."
+%
+A fool and his honey are soon parted.
+%
+A fool and his money are soon popular.
+%
+A fool and your money are soon partners.
+%
+A fool is a man who worries about whether or not his lover has integrity.
+A wise man, on the other hand, busies himself with deeper attributes.
+%
+A fool must now and then be right by chance.
+%
+A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds.
+ -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
+%
+A fool-proof method for sculpting an elephant: first, get a huge block
+of marble; then you chip away everything that doesn't look like an elephant.
+%
+A fool's brain digests philosophy into folly, science into
+superstition, and art into pedantry. Hence University education.
+ -- G.B. Shaw
+%
+A formal parsing algorithm should not always be used.
+ -- D. Gries
+%
+A Fortran compiler is the hobgoblin of little minis.
+%
+A fox is wolf who sends flowers.
+ -- Ruth Weston
+%
+A freelance is one who gets paid by the word -- per piece or perhaps.
+ -- Robert Benchley
+%
+A friend in need is a pest indeed.
+%
+A friend is a present you give yourself.
+ -- Robert Louis Stevenson
+%
+A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go.
+You'll just be walking down the street and... Ooohh, that's much better.
+ -- Steven Wright
+%
+A friend of mine won't get a divorce, because he hates
+lawyers more than he hates his wife.
+%
+A friend with weed is a friend indeed.
+%
+A full belly makes a dull brain.
+ -- Ben Franklin
+
+ [and the local candy machine man. Ed]
+%
+A 'full' life in my experience is usually full only of other
+people's demands.
+%
+A furore Normanorum libera nos, O Domine!
+%
+A gambler's biggest thrill is winning a bet.
+His next biggest thrill is losing a bet.
+%
+A gangster assembled an engineer, a chemist, and a physicist. He explained
+that he was entering a horse in a race the following week and the three
+assembled guys had the job of assuring that the gangster's horse would win.
+They were to reconvene the day before the race to tell the gangster how they
+each propose to ensure a win. When they reconvened the gangster started with
+the engineer:
+
+Gangster: OK, Mr. engineer, what have you got?
+Engineer: Well, I've invented a way to weave metallic threads into the saddle
+ blanket so that they will act as the plates of a battery and provide
+ electrical shock to the horse.
+G: That's very good! But let's hear from the chemist.
+Chemist: I've synthesized a powerful stimulant that dissolves
+ into simple blood sugars after ten minutes and therefore
+ cannot be detected in post-race tests.
+G: Excellent, excellent! But I want to hear from the physicist before
+ I decide what to do. Physicist?
+
+Physicist: Well, first consider a spherical horse in simple harmonic motion...
+%
+A gentleman is a man who wouldn't hit a lady with his hat on.
+ -- Evan Esar
+ [ And why not? For why does she have his hat on? Ed.]
+%
+A gentleman never strikes a lady with his hat on.
+ -- Fred Allen
+%
+A gift of a flower will soon be made to you.
+%
+A girl and a boy bump into each other -- surely a coincidence. A girl and
+a boy bump and her handkerchief drops -- surely another coincidence. But
+when a girl gives a boy a dead squid, *that had to mean SOMETHING!*
+%
+A girl and a boy bump into each other -- surely an accident.
+A girl and a boy bump and her handkerchief drops -- surely another accident.
+But when a girl gives a boy a dead squid -- *that had to mean something*.
+ -- S. Morgenstern, "The Silent Gondoliers"
+%
+A girl with a future avoids the man with a past.
+ -- Evan Esar, "The Humor of Humor"
+%
+A girl's best friend is her mutter.
+ -- Dorothy Parker
+%
+A girl's conscience doesn't really keep her from doing anything wrong--
+it merely keeps her from enjoying it.
+%
+A gleekzorp without a tornpee is like
+a quop without a fertsneet (sort of).
+%
+A [golf] ball hitting a tree shall be deemed not to have hit the tree.
+Hitting a tree is simply bad luck and has no place in a scientific game.
+The player should estimate the distance the ball would have traveled if it
+had not hit the tree and play the ball from there, preferably atop a nice
+firm tuft of grass.
+ -- Donald A. Metz
+%
+A [golf] ball sliced or hooked into the rough shall be lifted and placed in
+the fairway at a point equal to the distance it carried or rolled into the
+rough. Such veering right or left frequently results from friction between
+the face of the club and the cover of the ball and the player should not be
+penalized for the erratic behavior of the ball resulting from such
+uncontrollable physical phenomena.
+ -- Donald A. Metz
+%
+A good man always knows his limitations.
+ -- Harry Callahan
+%
+A good marriage would be between a blind wife and deaf husband.
+ -- Michel de Montaigne
+%
+A good memory does not equal pale ink.
+%
+A good name lost is seldom regained. When character is gone,
+all is gone, and one of the richest jewels of life is lost forever.
+ -- J. Hawes
+%
+A good plan today is better than a perfect plan tomorrow.
+ -- Patton
+%
+A good reputation is more valuable than money.
+ -- Publilius Syrus
+%
+A good scapegoat is hard to find.
+%
+A good supervisor can step on your toes without messing up your shine.
+%
+A GOOD WAY TO THREATEN somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. Then you
+call the guy and hold the burning fuse to the phone. "Hear that?" you say.
+"That's dynamite, baby."
+ -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
+%
+A gossip is one who talks to you about others, a bore is one who talks to
+you about himself; and a brilliant conversationalist is one who talks to
+you about yourself.
+ -- Lisa Kirk
+%
+A gourmet restaurant in Cincinnati is one where you leave the tray on
+the table after you eat.
+%
+A gourmet who thinks of calories is like a tart that looks at her watch.
+ -- James Beard
+%
+A government that is big enough to give you all you want is big enough
+to take it all away.
+ -- Barry Goldwater
+%
+A grammarian's life is always intense.
+%
+A great empire, like a great cake, is most easily diminished at the edges.
+ -- B. Franklin
+%
+A great many people think they are thinking
+when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.
+ -- William James
+%
+A green hunting cap squeezed the top of the fleshy balloon of a head. The
+green earflaps, full of large ears and uncut hair and the fine bristles that
+grew in the ears themselves, stuck out on either side like turn signals
+indicating two directions at once. Full, pursed lips protruded beneath the
+bushy black moustache and, at their corners, sank into little folds filled
+with disapproval and potato chip crumbs. In the shadow under the green visor
+of the cap Ignatius J. Reilly's supercilious blue and yellow eyes looked down
+upon the other people waiting under the clock at the D.H. Holmes department
+store, studying the crowd of people for signs of bad taste in dress. Several
+of the outfits, Ignatius noticed, were new enough and expensive enough to be
+properly considered offenses against taste and decency. Possession of
+anything new or expensive only reflected a person's lack of theology and
+geometry; it could even cast doubts upon one's soul.
+ -- John Kennedy Toole, "Confederacy of Dunces"
+%
+A group of politicians deciding to dump a President because his morals
+are bad is like the Mafia getting together to bump off the Godfather for
+not going to church on Sunday.
+ -- Russell Baker
+%
+A guilty conscience is the mother of invention.
+ -- Carolyn Wells
+%
+A guy has to get fresh once in a while
+so a girl doesn't lose her confidence.
+%
+A hacker does for love what others would not do for money.
+%
+A halted retreat
+Is nerve-wracking and dangerous.
+To retain people as men -- and maidservants
+Brings good fortune.
+%
+A hammer sometimes misses its mark - a bouquet never.
+%
+A handful of friends is worth more than a wagon of gold.
+%
+A handful of patience is worth more than a bushel of brains.
+%
+A healthy male adult bore consumes each year one and a half times his own
+weight in other people's patience.
+ -- John Updike
+%
+A help wanted add for a photo journalist asked the rhetorical question:
+
+If you found yourself in a situation where you could either save
+a drowning man, or you could take a Pulitzer prize winning
+photograph of him drowning, what shutter speed and setting would
+you use?
+
+ -- Paul Harvey
+%
+A Hen Brooding Kittens
+ A friend informs us that he saw at the Novato ranch, Marin county,
+a few days since, a hen actually brooding and otherwise caring for three
+kittens! The gentleman upon whose premises this strange event is transpiring
+says the hen adopted the kittens when they were but a few days old, and that
+she has devoted them her undivided care for several weeks past. The young
+felines are now of respectable size, but they nevertheless follow the hen at
+her cluckings, and are regularly brooded at night beneath her wings.
+ -- Sacramento Daily Union, July 2, 1861
+%
+A hermit is a deserter from the army of humanity.
+%
+A highly intelligent man should take a primitive woman. Imagine if on top
+of everything else, I had a woman who interfered with my work.
+ -- Adolf Hitler
+%
+A holding company is a thing where you hand
+an accomplice the goods while the policeman searches you.
+%
+A Hollywood producer calls a friend, another producer on the phone.
+ "Hello?" his friend answers.
+ "Hi!" says the man. "This is Bob, how are you doing?"
+ "Oh," says the friend, "I'm doing great! I just sold a screenplay
+for two hundred thousand dollars. I've started a novel adaptation and the
+studio advanced me fifty thousand dollars on it. I also have a television
+series coming on next week, and everyone says it's going to be a big hit!
+I'm doing *great*! How are you?"
+ "Okay," says the producer, "give me a call when he leaves."
+%
+A homeowner's reach should exceed his grasp, or what's a weekend for?
+%
+"A horrible little boy came up to me and said, `You know in your book
+The Martian Chronicles?' I said, `Yes?' He said, `You know where you
+talk about Deimos rising in the East?' I said, `Yes?' He said `No.'
+-- So I hit him."
+ -- attributed to Ray Bradbury
+%
+A horse! A horse! My kingdom for a horse!
+ -- Wm. Shakespeare, "Henry VI"
+%
+A hundred thousand lemmings can't be wrong!
+%
+A hundred years from now it is very likely that [of Twain's works] "The
+Jumping Frog" alone will be remembered.
+ -- Harry Thurston Peck (Editor of "The Bookman"), January 1901.
+%
+A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.
+ -- Helen Rowland
+%
+A hypocrite is a person who ... but who isn't?
+ -- Don Marquis
+%
+A hypothetical paradox:
+ What would happen in a battle between an Enterprise security team,
+who always get killed soon after appearing, and a squad of Imperial
+Stormtroopers, who can't hit the broad side of a planet?
+ -- Tom Galloway
+%
+A is for Amy who fell down the stairs, B is for Basil assaulted by bears.
+C is for Clair who wasted away, D is for Desmond thrown out of the sleigh.
+E is for Ernest who choked on a peach, F is for Fanny, sucked dry by a leech.
+G is for George, smothered under a rug, H is for Hector, done in by a thug.
+I is for Ida who drowned in the lake, J is for James who took lye, by mistake.
+K is for Kate who was struck with an axe, L is for Leo who swallowed some tacks.
+M is for Maud who was swept out to sea, N is for Nevil who died of enui.
+O is for Olive, run through with an awl, P is for Prue, trampled flat in a brawl
+Q is for Quinton who sank in a mire, R is for Rhoda, consumed by a fire.
+S is for Susan who parished of fits, T is for Titas who flew into bits.
+U is for Una who slipped down a drain, V is for Victor, squashed under a train.
+W is for Winie, embedded in ice, X is for Xercies, devoured by mice.
+Y is for Yoric whose head was bashed in, Z is for Zilla who drank too much gin.
+ -- Edward Gorey "The Gastly Crumb Tines"
+%
+A is for Apple.
+ -- Hester Pryne
+%
+A is for awk, which runs like a snail, and
+B is for biff, which reads all your mail.
+C is for cc, as hackers recall, while
+D is for dd, the command that does all.
+E is for emacs, which rebinds your keys, and
+F is for fsck, which rebuilds your trees.
+G is for grep, a clever detective, while
+H is for halt, which may seem defective.
+I is for indent, which rarely amuses, and
+J is for join, which nobody uses.
+K is for kill, which makes you the boss, while
+L is for lex, which is missing from DOS.
+M is for more, from which less was begot, and
+N is for nice, which it really is not.
+O is for od, which prints out things nice, while
+P is for passwd, which reads in strings twice.
+Q is for quota, a Berkeley-type fable, and
+R is for ranlib, for sorting ar table.
+S is for spell, which attempts to belittle, while
+T is for true, which does very little.
+U is for uniq, which is used after sort, and
+V is for vi, which is hard to abort.
+W is for whoami, which tells you your name, while
+X is, well, X, of dubious fame.
+Y is for yes, which makes an impression, and
+Z is for zcat, which handles compression.
+ -- THE ABC'S OF UNIX
+%
+A joint is just tea for two.
+%
+A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance from Sam.
+%
+A journey of a thousand miles must begin with a single step.
+ -- Lao Tsu
+%
+A journey of a thousand miles starts under one's feet.
+ -- Lao Tsu
+%
+A jug of wine, a bowl of rice with it;
+Earthen vessels
+Simply handed in through the window.
+There is certainly no blame in this.
+%
+A jury consists of twelve persons chosen to decide who has the better lawyer.
+ -- Robert Frost
+%
+A key to the understanding of all religions is that a God's idea of a
+good time is a game of Snakes and Ladders with greased rungs.
+%
+A kid'll eat the middle of an Oreo, eventually.
+%
+A kind of Batman of contemporary letters.
+ -- Philip Larkin on Anthony Burgess
+%
+A king's castle is his home.
+%
+A kiss is a course of procedure, cunningly devised,
+for the mutual stoppage of speech at a moment when
+words are superfluous.
+%
+A lack of leadership is no substitute for inaction.
+%
+A lady is one who never shows her underwear unintentionally.
+ -- Lillian Day
+%
+A lady with one of her ears applied
+To an open keyhole heard, inside,
+Two female gossips in converse free --
+The subject engaging them was she.
+"I think", said one, "and my husband thinks
+That she's a prying, inquisitive minx!"
+As soon as no more of it she could hear
+The lady, indignant, removed her ear.
+"I will not stay," she said with a pout,
+"To hear my character lied about!"
+ -- Gopete Sherany
+%
+A language that doesn't affect the way you
+think about programming is not worth knowing.
+%
+A language that doesn't have everything is
+actually easier to program in than some that do.
+ -- D.M. Ritchie
+%
+A lanky Texan was mad because Texas had just become the second largest state in
+the Union, so he made up his mind to move to Alaska. He drove for three days
+and three nights to get there and finally he came to what looked like the state
+line. He halted his car and walked up to the border guard. "Hi, there! How
+do I become a resident of this here biggest state?" demanded the Texan.
+ The guard looked him up and down and grinned. "Waal," he answered,
+there are three things you gotta do to get in. First, drink down a quart of
+110 proof corn liquor without blinkin'. Second, kill a grizzly bear, and
+third, make love to an Eskimo woman."
+ "Sounds easy enough," said the Texan. "Where can I get a quart of
+this here corn liquor?"
+ "Got one right here," replied the guard.
+ The Texan gulped down the whiskey without batting an eyelash.
+"Now, do you happen to know where I can find me a grizzly?"
+ "Yep," answered the guard, "there's a big b'ar over that way, 'bout
+a mile... lives in a cave on that cliff."
+ The Texan lurched merrily off. About an hour later he returned
+with his clothes almost torn off and his face scratched and bloody. He was
+smiling happily. "Now," he roared, "where's that damn Eskimo woman you
+want killed?"
+%
+A large number of installed systems work by fiat.
+That is, they work by being declared to work.
+ -- Anatol Holt
+%
+A large spider in an old house built a beautiful web in which to catch flies.
+Every time a fly landed on the web and was entangled in it the spider devoured
+him, so that when another fly came along he would think the web was a safe and
+quiet place in which to rest. One day a fairly intelligent fly buzzed around
+above the web so long without lighting that the spider appeared and said,
+"Come on down." But the fly was too clever for him and said, "I never light
+where I don't see other flies and I don't see any other flies in your house."
+So he flew away until he came to a place where there were a great many other
+flies. He was about to settle down among them when a bee buzzed up and said,
+"Hold it, stupid, that's flypaper. All those flies are trapped." "Don't be
+silly," said the fly, "they're dancing." So he settled down and became stuck
+to the flypaper with all the other flies.
+
+Moral: There is no safety in numbers, or in anything else.
+ -- James Thurber, "The Fairly Intelligent Fly"
+%
+A Law of Computer Programming:
+ Make it possible for programmers to write in English
+ and you will find that programmers cannot write in English.
+%
+A liberal is a man too broadminded to take his own side in a quarrel.
+ -- Robert Frost
+%
+A liberal is a person whose interests aren't at stake at the moment.
+ -- Willis Player
+%
+A liberal is someone too poor to be a
+capitalist, and too rich to be a communist.
+%
+A lie in time saves nine.
+%
+A lie is an abomination unto the Lord and a very present help in time of
+trouble.
+ -- Adlai Stevenson
+%
+A life spent in search of the perfect hash brownie is a life well spent.
+%
+A lifetime isn't nearly long enough to figure out what it's all about.
+%
+A light wife doth make a heavy husband.
+ -- Wm. Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice"
+%
+A likely impossibility is always preferable to an unconvincing possibility.
+ -- Aristotle
+%
+A LISP programmer knows the value of
+everything, but the cost of nothing.
+ -- Alan Perlis
+%
+A list is only as strong as its weakest link.
+ -- Don Knuth
+%
+A little experience often upsets a lot of theory.
+%
+A little inaccuracy saves a world of explanation.
+ -- C.E. Ayres
+%
+A little inaccuracy sometimes saves tons of explanation.
+ -- H.H. Munro, "Saki"
+%
+A little kid went up to Santa and asked him, "Santa, you know when I'm bad
+right?" And Santa says, "Yes, I do." The little kid then asks, "And you
+know when I'm sleeping?" To which Santa replies, "Every minute." So the
+little kid then says, "Well, if you know when I'm bad and when I'm good,
+then how come you don't know what I want for Christmas?"
+%
+A little retrospection shows that although many fine, useful software systems
+have been designed by committees and built as part of multipart projects,
+those software systems that have excited passionate fans are those that are
+the products of one or a few designing minds, great designers. Consider Unix,
+APL, Pascal, Modula, the Smalltalk interface, even Fortran; and contrast them
+with Cobol, PL/I, Algol, MVS/370, and MS-DOS.
+ -- Fred Brooks
+%
+A little word of doubtful number,
+A foe to rest and peaceful slumber.
+If you add an "s" to this,
+Great is the metamorphosis.
+Plural is plural now no more,
+And sweet what bitter was before.
+What am I?
+%
+A log may float in a river, but that does not make it a crocodile.
+%
+A long memory is the most subversive idea in America.
+%
+A long-forgotten loved one will appear soon.
+Buy the negatives at any price.
+%
+A lost ounce of gold may be found, a lost moment of time never.
+%
+A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me. I'm afraid of widths.
+ -- Steve Wright
+%
+A lot of people I know believe in positive thinking,
+and so do I. I believe everything positively stinks.
+ -- Lew Col
+%
+A lover without indiscretion is no lover at all.
+ -- Thomas Hardy
+%
+A major, with wonderful force,
+Called out in Hyde Park for a horse.
+ All the flowers looked round,
+ But no horse could be found;
+So he just rhododendron, of course.
+%
+A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who has never owned a car.
+ -- Carrie Snow
+%
+A man always needs to remember one thing about
+a beautiful woman. Somewhere, somebody's tired of her.
+%
+A man always remembers his first love with special
+tenderness, but after that begins to bunch them.
+ -- Mencken
+%
+A man arrived home early to find his wife in the arms of his best friend,
+who swore how much they were in love. To quiet the enraged husband, the
+lover suggested, "Friends shouldn't fight, let's play gin rummy. If I win,
+you get a divorce so I can marry her. If you win, I promise never to see
+her again. Okay?"
+ "Alright," agreed the husband. "But how about a quarter a point
+on the side to make it interesting?"
+%
+A man can have two, maybe three love affairs while he's married. After
+that it's cheating.
+ -- Yves Montand
+%
+A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen
+or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.
+ -- Joan Rivers
+%
+A man does not look behind the door unless he has stood there himself.
+ -- Du Bois
+%
+A man fell off a mountain and, as he fell, saw a branch and grabbed for it.
+By superhuman effort he was able to get a precarious grip on it. As he
+was hanging there for dear life, he looked up and cried out,
+ "Is anybody there?"
+A deep majestic voice answered,
+ "Yes my son, I am here. What do you need?"
+ "Help me!!" cried the man.
+ "I will help you", said the voice, "Just let go of the branch and
+you'll be safe. All you have to do is trust."
+The man thought for a moment and cried out:
+ "Anybody ELSE up there?"
+%
+A man gazing at the stars is proverbially at the mercy of the puddles
+in the road.
+ -- Alexander Smith
+%
+A man goes into a bar and begins to tell a Polish joke. The man sitting
+next to him, a big hulking powerhouse, turns and says menacingly, "*I'm*
+Polish."
+ He then calls out, "Ivan! Come over here and bring your brother."
+Two men, bigger than the first, appear from the back room.
+ "Josef!" the man calls out, "come here a second, and bring Lendl
+with you." Two more men appear, and all five men crowd around the man with
+the joke.
+ "Now," says the first Polish man, "do you want to finish that joke?"
+ "Nah," says the man.
+ "Oh, no? And why not? I'm sure it was very funny," says the Polish
+man, opening and closing his fist. "Are you scared?"
+ "No," replies the man. "I just don't feel like having to explain it
+five times."
+%
+A man in love is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.
+ -- Zsa Zsa Gabor, "Newsweek"
+%
+A man is already halfway in love with any woman who listens to him.
+ -- Brendan Francis
+%
+A man is crawling through the Sahara desert when he is approached by another
+man riding on a camel. When the rider gets close enough, the crawling man
+whispers through his sun-parched lips, "Water... please... can you give...
+water..."
+ "I'm sorry," replies the man on the camel, "I don't have any water
+with me. But I'd be delighted to sell you a necktie."
+ "Tie?" whispers the man. "I need *water*."
+ "They're only four dollars apiece."
+ "I need *water*."
+ "Okay, okay, say two for seven dollars."
+ "Please! I need *water*!", says the man.
+ "I don't have any water, all I have are ties," replies the salesman,
+and he heads off into the distance.
+ The man, losing track of time, crawls for what seems like days.
+Finally, nearly dead, sun-blind and with his skin peeling and blistering, he
+sees a restaurant in the distance. Summoning the last of his strength he
+staggers up to the door and confronts the head waiter.
+ "Water... can I get... water," the dying man manages to stammer.
+ "I'm sorry, sir, ties required."
+%
+A man is known by the company he organizes.
+ -- A. Bierce
+%
+A man is like a rusty wheel on a rusty cart,
+He sings his song as he rattles along and then he falls apart.
+ -- Richard Thompson
+%
+A man is only as old as the woman he feels.
+ -- Groucho Marx
+%
+A man is walking along when he sees a funeral procession going by, the
+longest procession he's ever seen. It seems to consist of the hearse,
+followed by a man with a Doberman on a leash, followed by several hundred
+other men. After watching for a few minutes, he can restrain his curiosity
+no longer, and walks up to one of the mourners.
+ "Excuse me, sir, I don't mean to bother you in your moment of grief,
+but this is the strangest procession I've ever seen. What happened, who is
+the funeral for?"
+ "Well, it's nothing special, really, the funeral is for the mother-
+in-law of the man at the front of the procession. You see, his Doberman
+attacked and killed her."
+ "That's awful!", replies the onlooker. "But... um... tell me, you
+don't think he'd let me borrow that dog, do you?"
+ "Get in line, buddy," replies the mourner, "get in line."
+%
+A man is walking down the street when he sees a man with four arms, and
+antennae coming out of his head. He goes up to him and says, "You're not
+from around here, are you?"
+ "No," replies the man with the antennae.
+ "You know," continues the man, "I don't think you're an American,
+either. In fact, I bet you don't even come from this planet!"
+ "Right again," says the man with four arms. "I'm from Mars."
+ "Well," says the man, "that's quite some configuration you've got
+there, with those four arms and those antennae and everything."
+ "We Martians all have four arms and antennae."
+ "Well, that's just amazing," replies the man, "and how about that
+big gold colored plate in the middle of your chest, what's that, do all
+Martians have that?"
+ "Well, no," says the Martian. "Not the *goyim*."
+%
+A man marries to have a home, but also because he doesn't want to be
+bothered with sex and all that sort of thing.
+ -- W. Somerset Maugham, "The Circle"
+%
+A man may be so much of everything that he is nothing of anything.
+ -- Samuel Johnson
+%
+A man may sometimes be forgiven the kiss to which he is not entitled,
+but never the kiss he has not the initiative to claim.
+%
+A man may well bring a horse to the water,
+but he cannot make him drink with he will.
+ -- John Heywood
+%
+A man of genius makes no mistakes.
+His errors are volitional and are the portals of discovery.
+ -- James Joyce, "Ulysses"
+%
+A man paints with his brains and not with his hands.
+%
+A man said to the Universe:
+ "Sir, I exist!"
+ "However," replied the Universe,
+ "the fact has not created in me a sense of obligation."
+ -- Stephen Crane
+%
+A man took his wife deer hunting for the first time. After he'd given her
+some basic instructions, they agreed to separate and rendezvous later. Before
+he left, he warned her if she should fell a deer to be wary of hunters who
+might beat her to the carcass and claim the kill. If that happened, he told
+her, she should fire her gun three times into the air and he would come to
+her aid.
+ Shortly after they separated, he heard a single shot, followed quickly
+by the agreed upon signal. Running to the scene, he found his wife standing
+in a small clearing with a very nervous man staring down her gun barrel.
+ "He claims this is his," she said, obviously very upset.
+ "She can keep it, she can keep it!" the wide-eyed man replied. "I
+just want to get my saddle back!"
+%
+A man usually falls in love with a woman who asks the kinds of questions
+he is able to answer.
+ -- Ronald Colman
+%
+A man was griping to his friend about how he hated to go home after a
+late card games.
+ "You wouldn't believe what I go through to avoid waking my wife,"
+he said. "First, I kill the engine a block away from the house and coast
+into the garage. Then I open the door slowly, take off my shoes, and
+tiptoe to our room. But just as I'm about to slide into bed, she always
+wakes up and gives me hell."
+ "I make a big racket when I go home," his friend replied.
+ "You do?"
+ "Sure. I honk the horn, slam the door, turn on all the lights,
+stomp up to the bedroom and give my wife a big kiss. `Hi, Alice,' I say.
+`How about a little smooch for your old man?'"
+ "And what does she say?" his friend asked in disbelief.
+ "She doesn't say anything," his buddy replied. "She always pretends
+she's asleep."
+%
+A man was kneeling by a grave in a cemetery, crying and praying very loudly,
+ "Oh why..eeeee did you die...eeeeee, Oh Why..eeeeee,
+why did you Di......eeee"
+The caretaker walks up, pardons himself and asks politely,
+ "Excuse me, sir, but I've been seeing you for hours now,
+carrying on at this grave. You must have been very close to the deceased."
+ "No, I never met him. Oh why....eeeee did you dieeeeee,
+why....eeeee did you.."
+ "Sir, you say you never met this person, yet you carry on so?
+Tell, me who is buried here?"
+ "My wife's first husband."
+%
+A man who cannot seduce men cannot save them either.
+ -- Soren Kierkegaard
+%
+A man who carries a cat by its tail learns something he can learn
+in no other way.
+%
+A man who fishes for marlin in ponds
+will put his money in Etruscan bonds.
+%
+A man who likes to lie in bed can usually
+find a girl willing to listen to him.
+%
+A man who turns green has eschewed protein.
+%
+A man with 3 wings and a dictionary is cousin to the turkey.
+%
+A man with one watch knows what time it is.
+A man with two watches is never quite sure.
+%
+A man without a God is like a fish without a bicycle.
+%
+A man without a woman is like a fish without gills.
+%
+A man without a woman is like a statue without pigeons.
+%
+A man would still do something out of sheer perversity - he would create
+destruction and chaos - just to gain his point... and if all this could in
+turn be analyzed and prevented by predicting that it would occur, then man
+would deliberately go mad to prove his point.
+ -- Feodor Dostoevsky, "Notes From the Underground"
+%
+A man wrapped up in himself makes a very small package.
+%
+A man's best friend is his dogma.
+%
+A man's gotta know his limitations.
+ -- Clint Eastwood, "Dirty Harry"
+%
+A man's house is his castle.
+ -- Sir Edward Coke
+%
+A man's house is his hassle.
+%
+A master was asked the question, "What is the Way?" by a curious monk.
+ "It is right before your eyes," said the master.
+ "Why do I not see it for myself?"
+ "Because you are thinking of yourself."
+ "What about you: do you see it?"
+ "So long as you see double, saying `I don't', and `you do', and so
+on, your eyes are clouded," said the master.
+ "When there is neither `I' nor `You', can one see it?"
+ "When there is neither `I' nor `You',
+who is the one that wants to see it?"
+%
+A mathematician, a doctor, and an engineer are walking on the beach and
+observe a team of lifeguards pumping the stomach of a drowned woman. As
+they watch, water, sand, snails and such come out of the pump.
+ The doctor watches for a while and says: "Keep pumping, men, you may
+yet save her!!"
+ The mathematician does some calculations and says: "According to my
+understanding of the size of that pump, you have already pumped more water
+from her body than could be contained in a cylinder 4 feet in diameter and
+6 feet high."
+ The engineer says: "I think she's sitting in a puddle."
+%
+A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems.
+ -- P. Erdos
+%
+A meeting is an event at which the
+minutes are kept and the hours are lost.
+%
+A memorandum is written not to inform the reader,
+but to protect the writer.
+ -- Dean Acheson
+%
+A method of solution is perfect if we can forsee from the start,
+and even prove, that following that method we shall attain our aim.
+ -- Leibniz
+%
+A Mexican newspaper reports that bored Royal Air Force pilots stationed
+on the Falkland Islands have devised what they consider a marvelous new
+game. Noting that the local penguins are fascinated by airplanes, the
+pilots search out a beach where the birds are gathered and fly slowly
+along it at the water's edge. Perhaps ten thousand penguins turn their
+heads in unison watching the planes go by, and when the pilots turn
+around and fly back, the birds turn their heads in the opposite
+direction, like spectators at a slow-motion tennis match. Then, the
+paper reports "The pilots fly out to sea and directly to the penguin
+colony and overfly it. Heads go up, up, up, and ten thousand penguins
+fall over gently onto their backs.
+ -- Audobon Society Magazine
+%
+A mighty creature is the germ,
+Though smaller than the pachyderm.
+His customary dwelling place
+Is deep within the human race.
+His childish pride he often pleases
+By giving people strange diseases.
+Do you, my poppet, feel infirm?
+You probably contain a germ.
+ -- Ogden Nash
+%
+A mind is a wonderful thing to waste.
+%
+A modem is a baudy house.
+%
+A modest woman, dressed out in all her finery,
+is the most tremendous object in the whole creation.
+ -- Goldsmith
+%
+A Mormon is a man that has the bad taste and the religion to do what a good
+many other people are restrained from doing by conscientious scruples and
+the police.
+ -- Mr. Dooley
+%
+A mother mouse was taking her large brood for a stroll across the kitchen
+floor one day when the local cat, by a feat of stealth unusual even for
+its species, managed to trap them in a corner. The children cowered,
+terrified by this fearsome beast, plaintively crying, "Help, Mother!
+Save us! Save us! We're scared, Mother!"
+ Mother Mouse, with the hopeless valor of a parent protecting its
+children, turned with her teeth bared to the cat, towering huge above them,
+and suddenly began to bark in a fashion that would have done any Doberman
+proud. The startled cat fled in fear for its life.
+ As her grateful offspring flocked around her shouting "Oh, Mother,
+you saved us!" and "Yay! You scared the cat away!" she turned to them
+purposefully and declared, "You see how useful it is to know a second
+language?"
+%
+A mother takes twenty years to make a man of her boy,
+and another woman makes a fool of him in twenty minutes.
+ -- Frost
+%
+A motion to adjourn is always in order.
+%
+A mouse is an elephant built by the Japanese.
+%
+A mushroom cloud has no silver lining.
+%
+A musician, an artist, an architect:
+ the man or woman who is not one of these is not a Christian.
+ -- William Blake
+%
+A myth is a religion in which no-one any longer believes.
+ -- James Feibleman, "Understanding Philosophy"
+%
+A narcissist is anyone better-looking than you.
+ -- Gore Vidal
+%
+A narcissist is someone better looking than you are.
+ -- Gore Vidal
+%
+A nasty looking dwarf throws a knife at you.
+%
+A national debt, if it is not excessive,
+will be to us a national blessing.
+ -- Alexander Hamilton
+%
+A neighbor came to Nasrudin, asking to borrow his donkey. "It is out on
+loan," the teacher replied. At that moment, the donkey brayed loudly inside
+the stable. "But I can hear it bray, over there." "Whom do you believe,"
+asked Nasrudin, "me or a donkey?"
+%
+A new 'chutist had just jumped from the plane at 10,000 feet, and soon
+discovered that all his lines were hopelessly tangled. At about 5,000 feet,
+still struggling, he noticed someone coming up from the ground at about the
+same speed as he was going towards the ground. As they passed each other at
+3,000 feet, the 'chutist yells, "HEY! DO YOU KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT PARACHUTES?"
+ The reply came, fading towards the end, "NO! DO YOU KNOW ANYTHING
+ABOUT COLEMAN STOVES?"
+%
+A new koan:
+ If you have some ice cream, I will give it to you.
+ If you have no ice cream, I will take it away from you.
+It is an ice cream koan.
+%
+A new supply of round tuits has arrived and are available from Mary.
+Anyone who has been putting off work until they got a `round tuit'
+now has no excuse for further procrastination.
+%
+A new taste had been acquired and a new appetite began to grow. The time
+had long since arrived to crush the technical intelligentsia, which had
+come to regard itself as too irreplaceable and had not gotten used to
+catching instructions on the wing. In other words, we never did trust
+the engineers - and from the very first years of the Revolution we saw to
+it that those lackeys and servants of former capitalist bosses were kept
+in line by healthy suspicion and surveillance by the workers.
+ -- Aleksandr I. Solzhenitsyn, "The Gulag Archipelago"
+%
+A New Way of Taking Pills
+ A physician one night in Wisconsin being disturbed by a burglar, and
+having no ball or shot for his pistol, noiselessly loaded the weapon with
+small, hard pills, and gave the intruder a "prescription" which he thinks
+will go far towards curing the rascal of a very bad ailment.
+ -- Nevada Morning Transcript, January 30, 1861
+%
+A New Yorker is riding down the road in his new Mercedes. So intent is he
+on the cocaine in his hand he completely misses a turn and his car plunges
+over the five-hundred-foot cliff to be smashed into pieces at the bottom.
+As the on-lookers rush to the edge of the cliff they see him fifty feet
+from the top of the cliff clinging to a stunted bush with all his strength.
+"Dear Lord," he prays, "I never asked you for nothin' before, but I'm askin'
+you now: Save me, Lord, save me."
+ Booms the Lord: "LET GO OF THE BRANCH."
+ "But Lord, if I do that, I'll fall!"
+ "TRUST ME, LET GO OF THE BRANCH."
+ "But Lord, I'm gonna fall and die..."
+ "TRUST ME TO SAVE YOU. LET GO OF THE BRANCH."
+ Okay, Lord, I'll trust you, here I... here I go!" And he falls
+to his death.
+ "DUMB YANKEE."
+%
+A New Yorker was driving through Berkeley when he saw a big crowd gathered
+by the side of the street. Curiousity got the better of him and he leaned
+out of his window to ask an onlooker what was going on. The fellow explained
+that a protestor against the U.S. position in South America had doused
+himself with gasoline and set himself on fire. "That's terrible," gasped
+the man. "But why is everyone still standing around?"
+ "Well, they're taking up a collection for his wife and kids," the
+onlooker explained. "Would you be willing to help?"
+ "Well, sure," replied the New Yorker. "I suppose I could spare a
+gallon or two."
+%
+A newspaper is a circulating library with high blood pressure.
+ -- Arthure "Bugs" Baer
+%
+A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore.
+ -- Yogi Berra
+%
+A Nixon [is preferable to] a Dean Rusk -- who will be
+passionately wrong with a high sense of consistency.
+ -- J.K. Galbraith
+%
+A non-vegetarian anti-abortionist is a contradiction in terms.
+ -- Phyllis Schlafly
+%
+A novice asked the Master: "Here is a programmer that never designs,
+documents or tests his programs. Yet all who know him consider him
+one of the bests programmer in the world. Why is this?"
+ The Master replies: "That programmer has mastered the Tao. He has
+gone beyond the need for design; he does not become angry when the system
+crashes, but accepts the universe without concern. He has gone beyond the
+need for documentation; he no longer cares if anyone else sees his code.
+He has gone beyond the need for testing; each of his programs are perfect
+within themselves, serene and elegant, their purpose self-evident. Truly,
+he has entered the mystery of Tao."
+%
+A novice of the temple once approached the Chief Priest with a question.
+
+"Master, does Emacs have the Buddha nature?" the novice asked.
+
+The Chief Priest had been in the temple for many years and could be
+relied upon to know these things. He thought for several minutes
+before replying.
+
+"I don't see why not. It's got bloody well everything else."
+
+With that, the Chief Priest went to lunch. The novice suddenly achieved
+enlightenment, several years later.
+
+Commentary:
+
+His Master is kind,
+Answering his FAQ quickly,
+With thought and sarcasm.
+%
+A nuclear war can ruin your whole day.
+%
+A pain in the ass of major dimensions.
+ -- C.A. Desoer, on the solution of non-linear circuits
+%
+A Parable of Modern Research:
+
+ Bob has lost his keys in a room which is dark except for one
+brightly lit corner.
+ "Why are you looking under the light, you lost them in the dark!"
+ "I can only see here."
+%
+A paranoid is a man who knows a little of what's going on.
+ -- William S. Burroughs
+%
+A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the pants.
+%
+A pedestal is as much a prison as any small, confined space.
+ -- Gloria Steinem
+%
+A pencil with no point needs no eraser.
+%
+"A penny for your thoughts?"
+"A dollar for your death."
+ -- The Odd Couple
+%
+A penny saved has not been spent.
+%
+A penny saved is a penny taxed.
+%
+A penny saved is ridiculous.
+%
+A penny saved kills your career in government.
+%
+A people living under the perpetual menace of war and invasion is very easy to
+govern. It demands no social reforms. It does not haggle over expenditures
+on armaments and military equipment. It pays without discussion, it ruins
+itself, and that is an excellent thing for the syndicates of financiers and
+manufacturers for whom patriotic terrors are an abundant source of gain.
+ -- Anatole France
+%
+A perfectly honest woman, a woman who never flatters, who never manages,
+who never cajoles, who never conceals, who never uses her eyes, who never
+speculates on the effect which she produces, who never is conscious of
+unspoken admiration, what a monster, I say, would such a female be!
+ -- Thackeray
+%
+A person forgives only when they are in the wrong.
+%
+A person is just about as big as the things that make him angry.
+%
+A person who has both feet planted firmly
+in the air can be safely called a liberal.
+%
+A person who has nothing looks at all there is and wants something.
+A person who has something looks at all there is and wants all the rest.
+%
+A person who is more than casually interested in computers should be well
+schooled in machine language, since it is a fundamental part of a computer.
+ -- Donald Knuth
+%
+A pessimist is a man who has been compelled to live with an optimist.
+ -- Elbert Hubbard
+%
+A physicist is an atoms way of knowing about atoms.
+ -- George Wald
+%
+A pickup with three guys in it pulls into the lumber yard. One of the men
+gets out and goes into the office.
+ "I need some four-by-two's," he says.
+ "You must mean two-by-four's" replies the clerk.
+ The man scratches his head. "Wait a minute," he says, "I'll go
+check."
+ Back, after an animated conversation with the other occupants of the
+truck, he reassures the clerk, that, yes, in fact, two-by-fours would be
+acceptable.
+ "OK," says the clerk, writing it down, "how long you want 'em?"
+ The guy gets the blank look again. "Uh... I guess I better go
+check," he says.
+ He goes back out to the truck, and there's another animated
+conversation. The guy comes back into the office. "A long time," he says,
+"we're building a house".
+%
+A pig is a jolly companion,
+Boar, sow, barrow, or gilt --
+A pig is a pal, who'll boost your morale,
+Though mountains may topple and tilt.
+When they've blackballed, bamboozled, and burned you,
+When they've turned on you, Tory and Whig,
+Though you may be thrown over by Tabby and Rover,
+You'll never go wrong with a pig, a pig,
+You'll never go wrong with a pig!
+ -- Thomas Pynchon, "Gravity's Rainbow"
+%
+A pipe gives a wise man time to think
+and a fool something to stick in his mouth.
+%
+A place for everything and everything in its place.
+ -- Isabella Mary Beeton, "The Book of Household Management"
+
+ [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
+ referring to memory management system services.]
+%
+A platitude is simply a truth repeated till people get tired of hearing it.
+ -- Stanley Baldwin
+%
+A plethora of individuals with expertise in culinary techniques
+contaminate the potable concoction produced by steeping certain
+edible nutriments.
+%
+A plucked goose doesn't lay golden eggs.
+%
+A poet who reads his verse in public may have other nasty habits.
+%
+A Polish worker walks into a bank to deposit his paycheck. He has heard
+about Poland's economic problems, and he asks what would happen to his
+money if the bank collapsed. "All of our deposits are guaranteed by the
+finance ministry, sir," the teller replies.
+ "But what if the finance ministry goes broke?" the worker asks.
+ "Then the government will intercede to protect the working class,"
+the teller says.
+ "But what if the government goes broke?" the worker asks.
+ "Our socialist comrades in the Soviet Union naturally will come
+to our assistance," the teller responds with growing irritation.
+ "And if the Soviet Union goes broke?" the worker asks.
+ "Idiot!" the teller snorts. "Isn't that worth losing one lousy
+paycheck?"
+ -- Making the rounds in Warsaw, 1984
+%
+A political man can have as his aim the realization of freedom,
+but he has no means to realize it other than through violence.
+ -- Jean Paul Sartre
+%
+A possum must be himself, and being himself he is honest.
+ -- Walt Kelly
+%
+A pound of salt will not sweeten a single cup of tea.
+%
+A "practical joker" deserves applause for his wit according to its quality.
+Bastinado is about right. For exceptional wit one might grant keelhauling.
+But staking him out on an anthill should be reserved for the very wittiest.
+ -- Lazarus Long
+%
+A prediction is worth twenty explanations.
+ -- K. Brecher
+%
+A pretty foot is one of the greatest gifts of nature... please send me your
+last pair of shoes, already worn out in dancing... so I can have something
+of yours to press against my heart.
+ -- Goethe
+%
+A pretty woman can do anything; an ugly woman must do everything.
+%
+A priest advised Voltaire on his death bed to renounce the devil.
+Replied Voltaire, "This is no time to make new enemies."
+%
+A priest asked: What is Fate, Master?
+
+ And the Master answered:
+ It is that which gives a beast of burden its reason for existence.
+It is that which men in former times had to bear upon their backs.
+
+ It is that which has caused nations to build byways from City
+to City upon which carts and coaches pass, and alongside which inns
+have come to be built to stave off Hunger, Thirst and Weariness.
+
+ And that is Fate? said the priest.
+
+ Fate... I thought you said Freight, responded the Master.
+
+ That's all right, said the priest. I wanted to know
+what Freight was too.
+ -- Kehlog Albran
+%
+A prig is a fellow who is always making you a present of his opinions.
+ -- George Eliot
+%
+A prisoner of war is a man who tries to kill you and fails, and then
+asks you not to kill him.
+ -- Sir Winston Churchill, 1952
+%
+A private sin is not so prejudicial in the world as a public indecency.
+ -- Miguel de Cervantes
+%
+A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.
+%
+A programmer is a person who passes as an exacting expert on the basis of
+being able to turn out, after innumerable punching, an infinite series of
+incomprehensible answers calculated with micrometric precisions from vague
+assumptions based on debatable figures taken from inconclusive documents
+and carried out on instruments of problematical accuracy by persons of
+dubious reliability and questionable mentality for the avowed purpose of
+annoying and confounding a hopelessly defenseless department that was
+unfortunate enough to ask for the information in the first place.
+ -- IEEE Grid newsmagazine
+%
+A programming language is low level
+when its programs require attention to the irrelevant.
+%
+A prohibitionist is the sort of man one wouldn't care to
+drink with -- even if he drank.
+ -- Mencken
+%
+A prominent broadcaster, on a big-game safari in Africa, was taken to a
+watering hole where the life of the jungle could be observed. As he
+looked down from his tree platform and described the scene into his
+tape recorder, he saw two gnus grazing peacefully. So preoccupied were
+they that they failed to observe the approach of a pride of lions led
+by two magnificent specimens, obviously the leaders. The lions charged,
+killed the gnus, and dragged them into the bushes where their feasting
+could not be seen. A little while later the two kings of the jungle
+emerged and the radioman recorded on his tape: "Well, that's the end of
+the gnus and here, once again, are the head lions."
+%
+A promiscuous person is usually someone who is
+getting more sex than you are.
+ -- Victor Lownes
+%
+A proper wife should be as obedient as a slave... The female is a female
+by virtue of a certain lack of qualities -- a natural defectiveness.
+ -- Aristotle
+%
+A psychiatrist is a fellow who asks you a lot of expensive questions
+your wife asks you for nothing.
+ -- Joey Adams
+%
+A psychiatrist is a person who will give you expensive answers that
+your wife will give you for free.
+%
+A putt that stops close enough to the cup to inspire such comments as
+"you could blow it in" may be blown in. This rule does not apply if
+the ball is more than three inches from the hole, because no one wants
+to make a travesty of the game.
+ -- Donald A. Metz
+%
+A rabbi and a priest are sitting together on a train, and the rabbi leans
+over and asks, "So, how high can you advance in your organization?"
+ The priest replies, "Well, if I am lucky, I guess I could become a
+Bishop."
+ "Well, could you get any higher than that?"
+ "I suppose that if my works are seen in a very good light that I
+might be made an Archbishop."
+ "Is there any way that you might go higher than that?"
+ "If all the Saints should smile, I guess I could be made a Cardinal."
+ "Could you be anything higher than a Cardinal?"
+ Hesitating a little bit, the priest said, "I suppose that I could
+be elected Pope, but only if it's God's will."
+ "And could you be anything higher than that, is there any way to go
+up from being the Pope?"
+ "What?! I should be the Messiah himself?!"
+ The rabbi leaned back and smiled. "One of our boys made it."
+%
+A raccoon tangled with a 23,000 volt line today. The results
+blacked out 1400 homes and, of course, one raccoon.
+ -- Steel City News
+%
+A racially integrated community is a chronological term timed from the
+entrance of the first black family to the exit of the last white family.
+ -- Saul Alinsky
+%
+A real diplomat is one who can cut his neighbor's throat without having
+his neighbour notice it.
+ -- Trygve Lie
+%
+A real estate agent, looking over a farmer's house for possible sale,
+commented to the farmer how sturdy the house looked.
+ The farmer replied, "Yep, built it with my bare hands... did it
+the hard way. The steps to the front door, here, carved 'em out of
+field stones... did it the hard way. That hardwood floor in the living
+room, dovetailed the pieces myself... did it the hard way. The ceiling
+beams, made 'em out of my own oak trees... did it the hard way."
+ Just then, the farmer's gorgeous daughter walked in. The farmer
+looks over at the real estate agent who is trying not to stare too
+obviously and smiles. "Yep... standing up in a canoe."
+%
+A real friend isn't someone you use once and then throw away.
+A real friend is someone you can use over and over again.
+%
+A real gentleman never takes bases unless he really has to.
+ -- Overheard in an algebra lecture.
+%
+A real patriot is the fellow who gets a parking
+ticket and rejoices that the system works.
+%
+A recent study has found that concentrating on difficult off-screen
+objects, such as the faces of loved ones, causes eye strain in computer
+scientists. Researchers into the phenomenon cite the added concentration
+needed to "make sense" of such unnatural three dimensional objects.
+%
+A rich man told me recently that a liberal is a man who tells other
+people what to do with their money.
+ -- Imamu Amiri Baraka (Leroi Jones)
+%
+A right is not what someone gives you; it's what no one can take from you.
+ -- Ramsey Clark
+%
+A robin redbreast in a cage
+Puts all Heaven in a rage.
+ -- Blake
+%
+A rock pile ceases to be a rock pile the moment a single
+man contemplates it, bearing within him the image of a cathedral.
+ -- Antoine de Saint-Exupery
+%
+A rolling disk gathers no MOS.
+%
+A rolling stone gathers momentum.
+%
+A rolling stone gathers no moss.
+ -- Publilius Syrus
+%
+A Roman divorced from his wife, being highly blamed by his friends, who
+demanded, "Was she not chaste? Was she not fair? Was she not fruitful?"
+holding out his shoe, asked them whether it was not new and well made.
+Yet, added he, none of you can tell where it pinches me.
+ -- Plutarch
+%
+A rope lying over the top of a fence is the same length on each side. It
+weighs one third of a pound per foot. On one end hangs a monkey holding a
+banana, and on the other end a weight equal to the weight of the monkey.
+The banana weighs two ounces per inch. The rope is as long (in feet) as
+the age of the monkey (in years), and the weight of the monkey (in ounces)
+is the same as the age of the monkey's mother. The combined age of the
+monkey and its mother is thirty years. One half of the weight of the monkey,
+plus the weight of the banana, is one forth as much as the weight of the
+weight and the weight of the rope. The monkey's mother is half as old as
+the monkey will be when it is three times as old as its mother was when she
+she was half as old as the monkey will be when when it is as old as its mother
+will be when she is four times as old as the monkey was when it was twice
+as its mother was when she was one third as old as the monkey was when it
+was old as is mother was when she was three times as old as the monkey was
+when it was one fourth as old as it is now. How long is the banana?
+%
+A rose is a rose is a rose. Just ask Jean Marsh, known to millions of
+PBS viewers in the '70s as Rose, the maid on the BBC export "Upstairs,
+Downstairs." Though Marsh has since gone on to other projects, ... it's
+with Rose she's forever identified. So much so that she even likes to
+joke about having one named after her, a distinction not without its
+drawbacks. "I was very flattered when I heard about it, but when I looked
+up the official description, it said, `Jean Marsh: pale peach, not very
+good in beds; better up against a wall.' I want to tell you that's not
+true. I'm very good in beds as well."
+%
+A sad spectacle. If they be inhabited, what a scope for misery and folly.
+If they be not inhabited, what a waste of space.
+ -- Thomas Carlyle, looking at the stars
+%
+A sadist is a masochist who follows the Golden Rule.
+%
+A salamander scurries into flame to be destroyed.
+Imaginary creatures are trapped in birth on celluloid.
+ -- Genesis, "The Lamb Lies Down on Broadway"
+
+I don't know what it's about. I'm just the drummer. Ask Peter.
+ -- Phil Collins in 1975, when asked about the message behind
+ the previous year's Genesis release, "The Lamb Lies Down
+ on Broadway".
+%
+A Scholar asked his Master, "Master, would you advise me of a proper
+vocation?"
+ The Master replied, "Some men can earn their keep with the power of
+their minds. Others must use their strong backs, legs and hands. This is
+the same in nature as it is with man. Some animals acquire their food easily,
+such as rabbits, hogs and goats. Other animals must fiercely struggle for
+their sustenance, like beavers, moles and ants. So you see, the nature of
+the vocation must fit the individual.
+ "But I have no abilities, desires, or imagination, Master," the
+scholar sobbed.
+ Queried the Master... "Have you thought of becoming a salesperson?"
+%
+A scientific truth does not triumph by convincing its opponents and
+making them see the light, but rather because its opponents eventually
+die and a new generation grows up that is familiar with it.
+ -- Max Planck
+%
+A sect or party is an elegant incognito devised to save a man from
+the vexation of thinking.
+ -- Ralph Waldo Emerson, Journals, 1831
+%
+A sense of desolation and uncertainty, of futility, of the baselessness
+of aspirations, of the vanity of endeavor, and a thirst for a life giving
+water which seems suddenly to have failed, are the signs in consciousness
+of this necessary reorganization of our lives.
+
+It is difficult to believe that this state of mind can be produced by the
+recognition of such facts as that unsupported stones always fall to the
+ground.
+ -- J.W.N. Sullivan
+%
+A sense of humor keen enough to show a man his own absurdities will keep
+him from the commission of all sins, or nearly all, save those that are
+worth committing.
+ -- Samuel Butler
+%
+A sequel is an admission that you've been reduced to imitating yourself.
+ -- Don Marquis
+%
+A Severe Strain on the Credulity
+ As a method of sending a missile to the higher, and even to the
+highest parts of the earth's atmospheric envelope, Professor Goddard's rocket
+is a practicable and therefore promising device. It is when one considers the
+multiple-charge rocket as a traveler to the moon that one begins to doubt...
+for after the rocket quits our air and really starts on its journey, its
+flight would be neither accelerated nor maintained by the explosion of the
+charges it then might have left. Professor Goddard, with his "chair" in
+Clark College and countenancing of the Smithsonian Institution, does not
+know the relation of action to re-action, and of the need to have something
+better than a vacuum against which to react... Of course he only seems to
+lack the knowledge ladled out daily in high schools.
+ -- New York Times Editorial, 1920
+%
+A sharper perspective on this matter is particularly important to feminist
+thought today, because a major tendency in feminism has constructed the
+problem of domination as a drama of female vulnerability victimized by male
+aggression. Even the more sophisticated feminist thinkers frequently shy
+away from the analysis of submission, for fear that in admitting woman's
+participation in the relationship of domination, the onus of responsibility
+will appear to shift from men to women, and the moral victory from women to
+men. More generally, this has been a weakness of radical politics: to
+idealize the oppressed, as if their politics and culture were untouched by
+the system of domination, as if people did not participate in their own
+submission. To reduce domination to a simple relation of doer and done-to
+is to substitute moral outrage for analysis.
+ -- Jessica Benjamin, "The Bonds of Love"
+%
+A shortcut is the longest distance between two points.
+%
+A sine curve goes off to infinity, or at least the end of the blackboard.
+ -- Prof. Steiner
+%
+A single death is a tragedy, a million deaths is a statistic.
+ -- Joseph Stalin
+%
+A single flow'r he sent me, since we met.
+All tenderly his messenger he chose;
+Deep-hearted, pure, with scented dew still wet--
+One perfect rose.
+
+I knew the language of the floweret;
+"My fragile leaves," it said, "his heart enclose."
+Love long has taken for his amulet
+One perfect rose.
+
+Why is it no one ever sent me yet
+One perfect limousine, do you suppose?
+Ah no, it's always just my luck to get
+One perfect rose.
+ -- Dorothy Parker, "One Perfect Rose"
+%
+A sinking ship gathers no moss.
+ -- Donald Kaul
+%
+A small town that cannot support one lawyer can always support two.
+%
+A Smith & Wesson beats four aces.
+%
+A snake lurks in the grass.
+ -- Publius Vergilius Maro (Virgil)
+%
+A social scientist, studying the culture and traditions of a small North
+African tribe, found a woman still practicing the ancient art of matchmaking.
+Locally, she was known as the Moor, the marrier.
+%
+A society in which women are taught anything but the management of a family,
+the care of men, and the creation of the future generation is a society
+which is on its way out.
+ -- L. Ron Hubbard
+%
+A soft answer turneth away wrath; but grievous words stir up anger.
+ -- Proverbs 15:1
+%
+A soft drink turneth away company.
+%
+A solemn, unsmiling, sanctimonious old iceberg
+that looked like he was waiting for a vacancy in the Trinity.
+ -- Mark Twain
+%
+A song in time is worth a dime.
+%
+A Southern boy graduates from high school heads north to college, taking the
+family dog, Old Blue with him, for company. He's only been there a few weeks
+when he gets a call from his girlfriend; seems like they've got a problem,
+and she needs a thousand dollars to take care of it. The boy calls his folks:
+ "How are you?" they ask.
+ "Oh, I'm fine," he says.
+ "And how," they ask, "is Old Blue?"
+ "Well, he's kind of depressed. You see, there's this lady up here
+that teaches dogs to talk, and Ol' Blue is feelin' kind of left out 'cause
+he's the only dog that doesn't know how to talk. She charges a thousand
+dollars."
+ The parents send the boy the thousand dollars, he forwards it to Mary
+Lou, and everything's fine until Christmas vacation. The boy leaves Ol' Blue
+at his dorm, 'cause he just can't figure out what to tell his parents. Sure
+enough, when he gets home, the first thing his father wants to know is
+"Where's Old Blue?"
+ "Well, Pa," says the boy. "I was driving on home and Old Blue was
+talking away about this and that when we passed the Buford's farm. Old Blue,
+well, he said, `Say, what do you think your mother would do if I told her
+that your father's been comin' over here and seeing Mrs. Buford all these
+years?'"
+ The father looks at his son -- "You shot that dog, didn't you, boy?"
+%
+A squeegee by any other name wouldn't sound as funny.
+%
+A statesman is a politician who's been dead 10 or 15 years.
+ -- Harry S. Truman
+%
+A statistician, who refused to fly after reading of the alarmingly high
+probability that there will be a bomb on any given plane, realized that
+the probability of there being two bombs on any given flight is very low.
+Now, whenever he flies, he carries a bomb with him.
+%
+A stitch in time saves nine.
+%
+"...A strange enigma is man!"
+"Someone calls him a soul concealed in an animal," I suggested.
+ "Winwood Reade is good upon the subject," said Holmes. "He remarked
+that, while the individual man is an insoluble puzzle, in the aggregate he
+becomes a mathematical certainty. You can, for example, never foretell what
+any one man will do, but you can say with precision what an average number
+will be up to. Individuals vary, but percentages remain constant. So says
+the statistician."
+ -- Sherlock Holmes, "The Sign of Four"
+%
+A straw vote only shows which way the hot air blows.
+%
+A straw vote only shows which way the hot air blows.
+ -- O'Henry
+%
+A student, in hopes of understanding the Lambda-nature, came to Greenblatt.
+As they spoke a Multics system hacker walked by. "Is it true", asked the
+student, "that PL-1 has many of the same data types as Lisp?" Almost before
+the student had finished his question, Greenblatt shouted, "FOO!", and hit
+the student with a stick.
+%
+A student who changes the course of history is probably taking an exam.
+%
+A stunning blonde, but probably all bean dip above the eyebrows.
+%
+A successful tool is one that was used to do something
+undreamed of by its author.
+ -- S.C. Johnson
+%
+A synonym is a word you use when you can't spell the word you first
+thought of.
+ -- Burt Bacharach
+%
+A Tale of Two Cities LITE(tm)
+ -- by Charles Dickens
+
+ A lawyer who looks like a French Nobleman is executed in his place.
+
+The Metamorphosis LITE(tm)
+ -- by Franz Kafka
+
+ A man turns into a bug and his family gets annoyed.
+
+Lord of the Rings LITE(tm)
+ -- by J.R.R. Tolkien
+
+ Some guys take a long vacation to throw a ring into a volcano.
+
+Hamlet LITE(tm)
+ -- by Wm. Shakespeare
+
+ A college student on vacation with family problems, a screwy
+ girl-friend and a mother who won't act her age.
+%
+A Tale of Two Cities LITE(tm)
+ -- by Charles Dickens
+
+ A man in love with a girl who loves another man who looks just
+ like him has his head chopped off in France because of a mean
+ lady who knits.
+
+Crime and Punishment LITE(tm)
+ -- by Fyodor Dostoyevsky
+
+ A man sends a nasty letter to a pawnbroker, but later
+ feels guilty and apologizes.
+
+The Odyssey LITE(tm)
+ -- by Homer
+
+ After working late, a valiant warrior gets lost on his way home.
+%
+A tall, dark stranger will have more fun than you.
+%
+A team effort is a lot of people doing what I say.
+ -- Michael Winner, British film director
+%
+A Texan, impressing the hell out of a Bostonian with tales about the heroes
+of the Alamo, commented, "I'll bet you never had anyone that brave around
+*Boston*."
+ "Ever hear of Paul Revere?", snarled the Bostonian.
+ "Paul Revere?", pondered the Texan. "Isn't he the guy who ran for
+help?"
+%
+A thing is not necessarily true because a man dies for it.
+ -- Oscar Wilde, "The Portrait of Mr. W.H."
+%
+A total abstainer is one who abstains from everything
+but abstention, and especially from inactivity in the affairs of others.
+ -- Ambrose Bierce
+%
+A transistor protected by a fast-acting
+fuse will protect the fuse by blowing first.
+%
+A traveling salesman was driving past a farm when he saw a pig with three
+wooden legs executing a magnificent series of backflips and cartwheels.
+Intrigued, he drove up to the farmhouse, where he found an old farmer
+sitting in the yard watching the pig.
+ "That's quite a pig you have there, sir" said the salesman.
+ "Sure is, son," the farmer replied. "Why, two years ago, my daughter
+was swimming in the lake and bumped her head and damned near drowned, but that
+pig swam out and dragged her back to shore."
+ "Amazing!" the salesman exclaimed.
+ "And that's not the only thing. Last fall I was cuttin' wood up on
+the north forty when a tree fell on me. Pinned me to the ground, it did.
+That pig run up and wiggled underneath that tree and lifted it off of me.
+Saved my life."
+ "Fantastic! the salesman said. But tell me, how come the pig has
+three wooden legs?"
+ The farmer stared at the newcomer in amazement. "Mister, when you
+got an amazin' pig like that, you don't eat him all at once."
+%
+A true artist will let his wife starve, his children go barefoot, his mother
+drudge for his living at seventy, sooner than work at anything but his art.
+ -- Shaw
+%
+A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.
+%
+A truly wise woman never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.
+%
+A truth that's told with bad intent
+Beats all the lies you can invent.
+ -- William Blake
+%
+A university is what a college becomes
+when the faculty loses interest in students.
+ -- John Ciardi
+%
+A vacuum is a hell of a lot better
+than some of the stuff that nature replaces it with.
+ -- Tennessee Williams
+%
+A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on.
+ -- Samuel Goldwyn
+%
+A violent man will die a violent death.
+ -- Lao Tsu
+%
+A visit to a fresh place will bring strange work.
+%
+A visit to a strange place will bring fresh work.
+%
+A vivid and creative mind characterizes you.
+%
+A waist is a terrible thing to mind.
+ -- Ziggy
+%
+A watched clock never boils.
+%
+A well adjusted person is one who makes
+the same mistake twice without getting nervous.
+%
+A well-known friend is a treasure.
+%
+A well-used door needs no oil on its hinges.
+A swift-flowing steam does no grow stagnant.
+Neither sound nor thoughts can travel through a vacuum.
+Software rots if not used.
+
+These are great mysteries.
+ -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
+%
+A widow is more sought after than an old maid of the same age.
+ -- Addison
+%
+A wife lasts only for the length of the marriage, but an ex-wife is there
+*for the rest of your life*.
+ -- Jim Samuels
+%
+A wise man can see more from a mountain top
+than a fool can from the bottom of a well.
+%
+A wise man can see more from the bottom
+of a well than a fool can from a mountain top.
+%
+A wise person makes his own decisions, a weak one obeys public opinion.
+ -- Chinese proverb
+%
+A witty saying proves nothing.
+ -- Voltaire
+%
+A wizard cannot do everything; a fact most magicians are reticent to admit,
+let alone discuss with prospective clients. Still, the fact remains that
+there are certain objects, and people, that are, for one reason or another,
+completely immune to any direct magical spell. It is for this group of
+beings that the magician learns the subtleties of using indirect spells.
+It also does no harm, in dealing with these matters, to carry a large club
+near your person at all times.
+ -- The Teachings of Ebenezum, Volume VIII
+%
+A woman can look both moral and exciting -- if she also looks as if it
+were quite a struggle.
+ -- Edna Ferber
+%
+A woman can never be too rich or too thin.
+%
+A woman did what a woman had to, the best way she knew how.
+To do more was impossible, to do less, unthinkable.
+ -- Dirisha, "The Man Who Never Missed"
+%
+A woman employs sincerity only when every other form of deception has failed.
+ -- Scott
+%
+A woman, especially if she have the misfortune
+of knowing anything, should conceal it as well as she can.
+ -- Jane Austen
+%
+A woman forgives the audacity of which
+her beauty has prompted us to be guilty.
+ -- LeSage
+%
+A woman has got to love a bad man once or twice in her life to be
+thankful for a good one.
+ -- Marjorie Kinnan Rawlings
+%
+A woman is like your shadow; follow her, she flies; fly from her,
+she follows.
+ -- Chamfort
+%
+A woman may very well form a friendship with a man, but for this to
+endure, it must be assisted by a little physical antipathy.
+ -- Nietzsche
+%
+A woman must be a cute, cuddly, naive little thing -- tender, sweet,
+and stupid.
+ -- Adolf Hitler
+%
+A woman of generous character will sacrifice her life a thousand times
+over for her lover, but will break with him for ever over a question of
+pride -- for the opening or the shutting of a door.
+ -- Stendhal
+%
+A woman physician has made the statement that smoking is neither
+physically defective nor morally degrading, and that nicotine, even
+when indulged to in excess, is less harmful than excessive petting."
+ -- Purdue Exponent, Jan 16, 1925
+%
+A woman shouldn't have to buy her own perfume.
+ -- Maurine Lewis
+%
+A woman went into a hospital one day to give birth. Afterwards, the doctor
+came to her and said, "I have some... odd news for you."
+ "Is my baby all right?" the woman anxiously asked.
+ "Yes, he is," the doctor replied, "but we don't know how. Your son
+(we assume) was born with no body. He only has a head."
+ Well, the doctor was correct. The Head was alive and well, though no
+one knew how. The Head turned out to be fairly normal, ignoring his lack of
+a body, and lived for some time as typical a life as could be expected under
+the circumstances.
+ One day, about twenty years after the fateful birth, the woman got a
+phone call from another doctor. The doctor said, "I have recently perfected
+an operation. Your son can live a normal life now: we can graft a body onto
+his head!"
+ The woman, practically weeping with joy, thanked the doctor and hung
+up. She ran up the stairs saying, "Johnny, Johnny, I have a *wonderful*
+surprise for you!"
+ "Oh no," cried The Head, "not another HAT!"
+%
+A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle.
+ -- Gloria Steinem
+%
+A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle.
+Therefore, a man without a woman is like a bicycle without a fish.
+%
+A woman's best protection is a little money of her own.
+ -- Clare Booth Luce, quoted in "The Wit of Women"
+%
+A woman's place is in the house... and in the Senate.
+%
+A word to the wise is enough.
+ -- Miguel de Cervantes
+%
+A would-be disciple came to Nasrudin's hut on the mountain-side. Knowing
+that every action of such an enlightened one is significant, the seeker
+watched the teacher closely. "Why do you blow on your hands?" "To warm
+myself in the cold." Later, Nasrudin poured bowls of hot soup for himself
+and the newcomer, and blew on his own. "Why are you doing that, Master?"
+"To cool the soup." Unable to trust a man who uses the same process
+to arrive at two different results -- hot and cold -- the disciple departed.
+%
+A writer is congenitally unable to tell the truth and that is why we call
+what he writes fiction.
+ -- William Faulkner
+%
+A yawn is a silent shout.
+ -- G.K. Chesterton
+%
+A year spent in Artificial Intelligence is enough to make one believe in God.
+%
+A young girl once committed suicide because her mother refused her a new
+bonnet. Coroner's verdict: "Death from excessive spunk."
+ -- Sacramento Daily Union, September 13, 1860
+%
+A young man and his girlfriend were walking along Main Street when she spotted
+a beautiful diamond ring in a jewelry-store window. "Wow, I'd sure love to
+have that!" she gushed.
+ "No problem," her companion replied, throwing a brick through the
+window and grabbing the ring.
+ A few blocks later, the woman admired a full-length sable coat. "What
+I'd give to own that," she said, sighing.
+ "No problem," he said, throwing a brick through the window and grabbing
+the coat.
+ Finally, turning for home, they passed a car dealership. "Boy, I'd do
+anything for one of those Rolls-Royces," she said.
+ "Jeez, baby," the guy moaned, "you think I'm made of bricks?"
+%
+A young man enters the New York branch of Tiffany's on a Friday evening and
+walks up to a display case full of pearl necklaces. He turns to a gorgeous
+woman, who is obviously windowshopping, looks her straight in the eye and
+says, "I can tell by your eyes that you really want that necklace. If you'll
+allow me, I'd like to buy it for you."
+ The woman looks him up and down; he's wearing a nice suit and some
+pretty nice jewelry, but she has trouble believing this story.
+ "Look, this is some kind of put on, right?"
+ "No, really. You see, I've got quite a lot of money -- so much that
+I could never spend it all. I'd really like for you to have it."
+ The guys whips out his checkbook, writes a check for five figures,
+calls over a clerk and hands it to him. The clerk peers at the check, looks
+at the young man, looks at the check again. "Very good, sir. I'm afraid I
+can't release the necklace immediately, would Monday be all right?"
+ "That'll be fine, she'll pick it up." the man replies, and walks out
+of the store with the woman following him in a daze.
+ The next Monday the man comes back in and walks up to the counter.
+The same clerk hurries over to him and says, "Sir, I'm sorry to have to tell
+you this, but your check was returned for insufficient funds."
+ "I know," the man replies. "I just wanted to thank you for a
+terrific weekend."
+%
+A young man wrote to Mozart and said:
+
+Q: "Herr Mozart, I am thinking of writing symphonies. Can you give me any
+ suggestions as to how to get started?"
+A: "A symphony is a very complex musical form, perhaps you should begin with
+ some simple lieder and work your way up to a symphony."
+Q: "But Herr Mozart, you were writing symphonies when you were 8 years old."
+A: "But I never asked anybody how."
+%
+A.A.A.A.A.: An organization for drunks who drive.
+%
+AAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaccccccccckkkkkk!!!!!!!!!
+You brute! Knock before entering a ladies room!
+%
+Abandon the search for Truth; settle for a good fantasy.
+%
+Abbott's Admonitions:
+ 1: If you have to ask, you're not entitled to know.
+ 2: If you don't like the answer, you shouldn't have asked
+ the question.
+ -- Charles Abbot, dean, University of Virginia
+%
+Aberdeen was so small that when the family with the car went
+on vacation, the gas station and drive-in theatre had to close.
+%
+Abou Ben Adhem (may his tribe increase!)
+Awoke one night from a deep dream of peace,
+And saw, within the moonlight in his room,
+Making it rich, and like a lily in bloom,
+An angel writing in a book of gold.
+Exceeding peace had made Ben Adhem bold,
+And to the presence in the room he said,
+"What writest thou?" The vision raised its head,
+And with a look made of all sweet accord,
+Answered, "The names of those who love the Lord."
+"And is mine one?" said Abou. "Nay not so,"
+Replied the angel. Abou spoke more low,
+But cheerly still; and said, "I pray thee then,
+Write me as one that loves his fellow-men."
+The angel wrote, and vanished. The next night
+It came again with a great wakening light,
+And showed the names whom love of God had blessed,
+And lo! Ben Adhem's name led all the rest.
+ -- James Henry Leigh Hunt, "Abou Ben Adhem"
+%
+About all some men accomplish in life is to send a son to Harvard.
+%
+About the only thing on a farm that has an easy time is the dog.
+%
+About the only thing we have left that actually
+discriminates in favor of the plain people is the stork.
+%
+About the time we think we can make ends meet, somebody moves the ends.
+ -- Herbert Hoover
+%
+About the use of language: it is impossible to sharpen a pencil with a blunt
+ax. It is equally vain to try to do it with ten blunt axes instead.
+ -- Edsger W. Dijkstra
+%
+Above all else - sky.
+%
+Above all things, reverence yourself.
+%
+Abraham Lincoln didn't die in vain. He died in Washington, D.C.
+%
+ABSCOND:
+ To be unexpectedly called away to the bedside
+ of a dying relative and miss the return train.
+%
+abscond, v:
+ To be unexpectedly called away to the bedside of a dying relative
+ and miss the return train.
+%
+Absence diminishes mediocre passions and increases
+great ones, as the wind blows out candles and fans fires.
+ -- La Rochefoucauld
+%
+Absence in love is like water upon fire;
+a little quickens, but much extinguishes it.
+ -- Hannah More
+%
+Absence is to love what wind is to fire. It extinguishes the small,
+it enkindles the great.
+%
+Absence makes the heart forget.
+%
+Absence makes the heart go wander.
+%
+Absence makes the heart grow fonder.
+ -- Sextus Aurelius
+%
+Absence makes the heart grow fonder -- of somebody else.
+%
+Absence makes the heart grow frantic.
+%
+ABSENT:
+ Exposed to the attacks of friends and
+ acquaintances; defamed; slandered.
+%
+ABSENTEE:
+ A person with an income who has had the forethought
+ to remove themselves from the sphere of exaction.
+%
+Absinthe makes the tart grow fonder.
+%
+Absolutum obsoletum. (If it works, it's out of date.)
+ -- Stafford Beer
+%
+ABSTAINER:
+ A weak person who yields to the
+ temptation of denying himself a pleasure.
+%
+Abstract:
+ This study examined the incidence of neckwear tightness among a group
+of 94 white-collar working men and the effect of a tight business-shirt collar
+and tie on the visual performance of 22 male subjects. Of the white-collar
+men measured, 67% were found to be wearing neckwear that was tighter than
+their neck circumference. The visual discrimination of the 22 subjects was
+evaluated using a critical flicker frequency (CFF) test. Results of the CFF
+test indicated that tight neckwear significantly decreased the visual
+performance of the subjects and that visual performance did not improve
+immediately when tight neckwear was removed.
+ -- Langan, L.M. and Watkins, S.M. "Pressure of Menswear on the
+ Neck in Relation to Visual Performance." Human Factors 29,
+ #1 (Feb. 1987), pp. 67-71.
+%
+ABSURDITY:
+ A statement or belief manifestly
+ inconsistent with one's own opinion.
+%
+Academic politics is the most vicious and bitter form of politics,
+because the stakes are so low.
+ -- Wallace Sayre
+%
+Academicians care, that's who.
+%
+ACADEMY:
+ A modern school where football is taught.
+INSTITUTE:
+ An archaic school where football is not taught.
+%
+Accent on helpful side of your nature. Drain the moat.
+%
+Accept people for what they are -- completely unacceptable.
+%
+ACCEPTANCE TESTING:
+ An unsuccessful attempt to find bugs.
+%
+Acceptance without proof is the fundamental characteristic of Western
+religion. Rejection without proof is the fundamental characteristic
+of Western science.
+ -- Gary Zukav, "The Dancing Wu Li Masters"
+%
+Acceptance without proof is the fundamental characteristic of Western
+religion; rejection without proof is the fundamental characteristic of
+Western science.
+ -- Gary Zukav, "The Dancing Wu Li Masters"
+%
+Accident:
+ A condition in which presence of mind is good,
+ but absence of body is better.
+ -- Foolish Dictionary
+%
+Accidentally Shot
+ Colonel Gray, of Petaluma, came near losing his life a few days ago,
+in a singular manner. A gentleman with whom he was hunting attempted to
+bring down a dove, but instead of doing so put the load of shot through the
+Colonel's hat. One shot took effect in his forehead.
+ -- Sacramento Daily Union, April 20, 1861
+%
+Accidents cause History.
+
+If Sigismund Unbuckle had taken a walk in 1426 and met Wat Tyler, the
+Peasant's Revolt would never have happened and the motor car would not
+have been invented until 2026, which would have meant that all the oil
+could have been used for lamps, thus saving the electric light bulb and
+the whale, and nobody would have caught Moby Dick or Billy Budd.
+ -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
+%
+According to a recent and unscientific national survey, smiling is something
+everyone should do at least 6 times a day. In an effort to increase the
+national average (the US ranks third among the world's superpowers in
+smiling), Xerox has instructed all personnel to be happy, effervescent, and
+most importantly, to smile. Xerox employees agree, and even feel strongly
+that they can not only meet but surpass the national average... except for
+Tubby Ackerman. But because Tubby does such a fine job of racing around
+parking lots with a large butterfly net retrieving floating IC chips, Xerox
+decided to give him a break. If you see Tubby in a parking lot he may have
+a sheepish grin. This is where the expression, "Service with a slightly
+sheepish grin" comes from.
+%
+According to all the latest reports,
+there was no truth in any of the earlier reports.
+%
+According to Arkansas law, Section 4761, Pope's Digest: "No person
+shall be permitted under any pretext whatever, to come nearer than
+fifty feet of any door or window of any polling room, from the opening
+of the polls until the completion of the count and the certification of
+the returns."
+%
+According to convention there is a sweet and a bitter, a hot and a cold,
+and according to convention, there is an order. In truth, there are atoms
+and a void.
+ -- Democritus, 400 B.C.
+%
+According to my best recollection, I don't remember.
+ -- Vincent "Jimmy Blue Eyes" Alo
+%
+According to the latest official figures,
+43% of all statistics are totally worthless.
+%
+According to the Rand McNally Places-Rated Almanac, the best place to live in
+America is the city of Pittsburgh. The city of New York came in twenty-fifth.
+Here in New York we really don't care too much. Because we know that we could
+beat up their city anytime.
+ -- David Letterman
+%
+ACCORDION:
+ A bagpipe with pleats.
+%
+ACCURACY:
+ The vice of being right.
+%
+Acid -- better living through chemistry.
+%
+Acid absorbs 47 times its own weight in excess Reality.
+%
+Acquaintance, n:
+ A person whom we know well enough to borrow from but not well
+ enough to lend to. A degree of friendship called slight when the
+ object is poor or obscure, and intimate when he is rich or famous.
+ -- Ambrose Bierce
+%
+Acting is an art which consists of keeping the audience from coughing.
+%
+Acting is not very hard. The most important things are to be able to laugh
+and cry. If I have to cry, I think of my sex life. And if I have to laugh,
+well, I think of my sex life.
+ -- Glenda Jackson
+%
+Actor Real Name
+
+Boris Karloff William Henry Pratt
+Cary Grant Archibald Leach
+Edward G. Robinson Emmanual Goldenburg
+Gene Wilder Gerald Silberman
+John Wayne Marion Morrison
+Kirk Douglas Issur Danielovitch
+Richard Burton Richard Jenkins Jr.
+Roy Rogers Leonard Slye
+Woody Allen Allen Stewart Konigsberg
+%
+Actor: So what do you do for a living?
+Doris: I work for a company that makes deceptively shallow serving
+ dishes for Chinese restaurants.
+ -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
+%
+Actresses will happen in the best regulated families.
+ -- Addison Mizner and Oliver Herford, "The Entirely
+ New Cynic's Calendar", 1905
+%
+Actually, my goal is to have a sandwich named after me.
+%
+Actually, the probability is 100% that the elevator
+will be going in the right direction. Proof by induction:
+
+N=1. Trivially true, since both you and the elevator
+ only have one floor to go to.
+
+Assume true for N, prove for N+1:
+ If you are on any of the first N floors, then it is true by the
+ induction hypothesis. If you are on the N+1st floor, then both you
+ and the elevator have only one choice, namely down. Therefore,
+ it is true for all N+1 floors.
+QED.
+%
+Ad astra per aspera. (To the stars by aspiration.)
+%
+ADA:
+ Something you need only know the name of to be an Expert in
+ Computing. Useful in sentences like, "We had better develop
+ an ADA awareness.
+ -- "Datamation", January 15, 1984
+%
+ADA:
+ Something you need to know the name of to be an Expert in Computing.
+ Useful in sentences like, "We had better develop an ADA awareness."
+%
+ADA, n.:
+ Something you need only know the name of to be an Expert in
+Computing. Useful in sentences like, "We had better develop an ADA
+awareness."
+%
+Adde parvum parvo manus acervus erit.
+[Add little to little and there will be a big pile.]
+ -- Ovid
+%
+Adding features does not necessarily increase
+functionality -- it just makes the manuals thicker.
+%
+Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later.
+ -- F. Brooks, "The Mythical Man-Month"
+
+Whenever one person is found adequate to the discharge of a duty by
+close application thereto, it is worse execute by two persons and
+scarcely done at all if three or more are employed therein.
+ -- George Washington, 1732-1799
+%
+Adding sound to movies would be like
+putting lipstick on the Venus de Milo.
+ -- actress Mary Pickford, 1925
+%
+Adhere to your own act, and congratulate yourself if you have done
+something strange and extravagant, and broken the monotony of a
+decorous age.
+ -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
+%
+Adler's Distinction:
+ Language is all that separates us from the lower animals,
+ and from the bureaucrats.
+%
+ADMIRATION:
+ Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves.
+%
+ADOLESCENCE:
+ The stage between puberty and adultery.
+%
+ADORE:
+ To venerate expectantly.
+%
+ADULT:
+ One old enough to know better.
+%
+Adults die young.
+%
+Advancement in position.
+%
+Advertisements contain the only
+truths to be relied on in a newspaper.
+ -- Thomas Jefferson
+%
+Advertising is the rattling of a stick inside a swill bucket.
+ -- George Orwell
+%
+Advertising may be described as the science of arresting the human
+intelligence long enough to get money from it.
+%
+Advertising Rule:
+ In writing a patent-medicine advertisement, first convince the
+ reader that he has the disease he is reading about; secondly,
+ that it is curable.
+%
+Advice from an old carpenter: measure twice, saw once.
+%
+Advice is a dangerous gift; be cautious about giving and receiving it.
+%
+African violet: Such worth is rare
+Apple blossom: Preference
+Bachelor's button: Celibacy
+Bay leaf: I change but in death
+Camelia: Reflected loveliness
+Chrysanthemum, red: I love
+Chrysanthemum, white: Truth
+Chrysanthemum, other: Slighted love
+Clover: Be mine
+Crocus: Abuse not
+Daffodil: Innocence
+Forget-me-not: True love
+Fuchsia: Fast
+Gardenia: Secret, untold love
+Honeysuckle: Bonds of love
+Ivy: Friendship, fidelity, marriage
+Jasmine: Amiablity, transports of joy, sensuality
+Leaves (dead): Melancholy
+Lilac: Youthful innocence
+Lilly: Purity, sweetness
+Lilly of the valley: Return of happiness
+Magnolia: Dignity, perseverance
+ * An upside-down blossom reverses the meaning.
+%
+After 35 years, I have finished a comprehensive study of European
+comparative law. In Germany, under the law, everything is prohibited,
+except that which is permitted. In France, under the law, everything
+is permitted, except that which is prohibited. In the Soviet Union,
+under the law, everything is prohibited, including that which is
+permitted. And in Italy, under the law, everything is permitted,
+especially that which is prohibited.
+ -- Newton Minow,
+ Speech to the Association of American Law Schools, 1985
+%
+After a few boring years, socially meaningful rock 'n' roll died out.
+It was replaced by disco, which offers no guidance to any form of life
+more advanced than the lichen family.
+ -- Dave Barry
+%
+After a number of decimal places, nobody gives a damn.
+%
+After a while you learn the subtle difference
+Between holding a hand and chaining a soul,
+And you learn that love doesn't mean security,
+And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts
+And presents aren't promises
+And you begin to accept your defeats
+With your head up and your eyes open,
+With the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child,
+And you learn to build all your roads
+On today because tomorrow's ground
+Is too uncertain. And futures have
+A way of falling down in midflight,
+After a while you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much.
+So you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul, instead of waiting
+For someone to bring you flowers.
+And you learn that you really can endure...
+That you really are strong,
+And you really do have worth
+And you learn and learn
+With every goodbye you learn.
+ -- Veronic Shoffstall, "Comes the Dawn"
+%
+After all, all he did was string together
+a lot of old, well-known quotations.
+ -- H.L. Mencken, on Shakespeare
+%
+After all is said and done, a hell of a lot more is said than done.
+%
+After all, it is only the mediocre who are always at their best.
+ -- Jean Giraudoux
+%
+After all my erstwhile dear,
+My no longer cherished,
+Need we say it was not love,
+Just because it perished?
+ -- Edna St. Vincent Millay
+%
+After all, what is your hosts' purpose in having a party? Surely not for
+you to enjoy yourself; if that were their sole purpose, they'd have simply
+sent champagne and women over to your place by taxi.
+ -- P.J. O'Rourke
+%
+After an instrument has been assembled,
+extra components will be found on the bench.
+%
+After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the
+month than you did before.
+%
+After [Benjamin] Franklin came a herd of Electrical Pioneers whose names
+have become part of our electrical terminology: Myron Volt, Mary Louise Amp,
+James Watt, Bob Transformer, etc. These pioneers conducted many important
+electrical experiments. For example, in 1780 Luigi Galvani discovered (this
+is the truth) that when he attached two different kinds of metal to the leg
+of a frog, an electrical current developed and the frog's leg kicked, even
+though it was no longer attached to the frog, which was dead anyway.
+Galvani's discovery led to enormous advances in the field of amphibian
+medicine. Today, skilled veterinary surgeons can take a frog that has been
+seriously injured or killed, implant pieces of metal in its muscles, and
+watch it hop back into the pond just like a normal frog, except for the fact
+that it sinks like a stone.
+ -- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?"
+%
+After his Ignoble Disgrace, Satan was being expelled from
+Heaven. As he passed through the Gates, he paused a moment in thought,
+and turned to God and said, "A new creature called Man, I hear, is soon
+to be created."
+ "This is true," He replied.
+ "He will need laws," said the Demon slyly.
+ "What! You, his appointed Enemy for all Time! You ask for the
+right to make his laws?"
+ "Oh, no!" Satan replied, "I ask only that he be allowed to make
+his own."
+ It was so granted.
+%
+After his legs had been broken in an accident, Mr. Miller sued for damages,
+claming that he was crippled and would have to spend the rest of his life
+in a wheelchair. Although the insurance-company doctor testified that his
+bones had healed properly and that he was fully capable of walking, the
+judge decided for the plaintiff and awarded him $500,000.
+ When he was wheeled into the insurance office to collect his check,
+Miller was confronted by several executives. "You're not getting away with
+this, Miller," one said. "We're going to watch you day and night. If you
+take a single step, you'll not only repay the damages but stand trial for
+perjury. Here's the money. What do you intend to do with it?"
+ "My wife and I are going to travel," Miller replied. "We'll go to
+Stockholm, Berlin, Rome, Athens and, finally, to a place called Lourdes --
+where, gentlemen, you'll see yourselves one hell of a miracle."
+%
+After living in New York, you trust nobody,
+but you believe everything. Just in case.
+%
+...[after the announcement of Vanguard] ... Secretary of Defense Charles
+Wilson (the same "Engine Charlie" who once told the Senate, "[F]or years
+I've thought that what was good for our country was good for General Motors,
+and vice versa," probably an accurate analysis) was asked whether the
+Russians might beat the Americans into orbit. "I wouldn't care if they
+did," he responded. (It was later claimed that Wilson favored the
+development of the automatic transmission so that he could drive with
+one foot in his mouth.)
+ -- Smithsonian's Air&Space Magazine, "The Day the Rocket Died"
+%
+After the game the king and the pawn go in the same box.
+ -- Italian proverb
+%
+After the ground war began, captured Iraqi soldiers said any of them caught
+by superiors wearing a white T-shirt would be executed because of the ease
+with which the shirts could be used as surrender flags. Some Iraqi soldiers
+carried bleach with them to make their dark shirts white.
+ -- Chuck Shepherd, Funny Times, May 1991
+%
+After the last of 16 mounting screws has been removed from an access
+cover, it will be discovered that the wrong access cover has been removed.
+%
+After this was written there appeared a remarkable posthumous memoir that
+throws some doubt on Millikan's leading role in these experiments. Harvey
+Fletcher (1884-1981), who was a graduate student at the University of Chicago,
+at Millikan's suggestion worked on the measurement of electronic charge for
+his doctoral thesis, and co-authored some of the early papers on this subject
+with Millikan. Fletcher left a manuscript with a friend with instructions
+that it be published after his death; the manuscript was published in
+Physics Today, June 1982, page 43. In it, Fletcher claims that he was the
+first to do the experiment with oil drops, was the first to measure charges on
+single droplets, and may have been the first to suggest the use of oil.
+According to Fletcher, he had expected to be co-authored with Millikan on
+the crucial first article announcing the measurement of the electronic
+charge, but was talked out of this by Millikan.
+ -- Steven Weinberg, "The Discovery of Subatomic Particles"
+
+Robert Millikan is generally credited with making the first really
+precise measurement of the charge on an electron and was awarded the
+Nobel Prize in 1923.
+%
+After two or three weeks of this madness, you begin to feel As One with
+the man who said, "No news is good news." In twenty-eight papers, only
+the rarest kind of luck will turn up more than two or three articles of
+any interest... but even then the interest items are usually buried
+deep around paragraph 16 on the jump (or "Cont. on ...") page...
+
+The Post will have a story about Muskie making a speech in Iowa. The
+Star will say the same thing, and the Journal will say nothing at all.
+But the Times might have enough room on the jump page to include a line
+or so that says something like: "When he finished his speech, Muskie
+burst into tears and seized his campaign manager by the side of the
+neck. They grappled briefly, but the struggle was kicked apart by an
+oriental woman who seemed to be in control."
+
+Now that's good journalism. Totally objective; very active and
+straight to the point.
+ -- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing '72"
+%
+After years of research, scientists recently reported that there is,
+indeed, arroz in Spanish Harlem.
+%
+After your lover has gone you will still have PEANUT BUTTER!
+%
+AFTERNOON:
+ That part of the day we spend worrying
+ about how we wasted the morning.
+%
+Afternoon very favorable for romance. Try a single person for a change.
+%
+Against Idleness and Mischief
+
+How doth the little busy bee How skillfully she builds her cell!
+Improve each shining hour, How neat she spreads the wax!
+And gather honey all the day And labours hard to store it well
+From every opening flower! With the sweet food she makes.
+
+In works of labour or of skill In books, or work, or healthful play,
+I would be busy too; Let my first years be passed,
+For Satan finds some mischief still That I may give for every day
+For idle hands to do. Some good account at last.
+ -- Isaac Watts, 1674-1748
+%
+Against stupidity the very gods Themselves contend in vain.
+ -- Friedrich von Schiller, "The Maid of Orleans", III, 6
+%
+Age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill.
+%
+Age is a tyrant who forbids,
+at the penalty of life, all the pleasures of youth.
+%
+Agnes' Law:
+ Almost everything in life is easier to get into than out of.
+%
+Agree with them now, it will save so much time.
+%
+Ah, but a man's grasp should exceed his reach,
+Or what's a heaven for ?
+ -- Robert Browning, "Andrea del Sarto"
+%
+Ah, my friends, from the prison, they ask unto me,
+"How good, how good does it feel to be free?"
+And I answer them most mysteriously:
+"Are birds free from the chains of the sky-way?"
+ -- Bob Dylan
+%
+Ah, sweet Springtime, when a young man lightly turns his fancy over!
+%
+Ah, the Tsar's bazaar's bizarre beaux-arts!
+%
+Ahead warp factor one, Mr. Sulu.
+%
+Ahhhhhh... the smell of cuprinol and mahogany. It
+excites me to... acts of passion... acts of... ineptitude.
+%
+Aide to Raygun: Sir, the poor are outside protesting your budget cuts.
+Raygun himself: Tell them they'll have to help themselves.
+Aide to Raygun: Sir, the Pentagon wants another $30 billion.
+Raygun himself: Tell them to help themselves.
+%
+Aim for the moon. If you miss, you may hit a star.
+ -- W. Clement Stone
+%
+Ain't no right way to do a wrong thing.
+ -- The Mad Dogtender
+%
+Ain't nothin' an old man can do for me but
+bring me a message from a young man.
+ -- Moms Mabley
+%
+"Ain't that something what happened today. One of us got traded to
+Kansas City."
+ -- Casey Stengel, informing outfielder Bob Cerv he'd
+ been traded.
+%
+AIR:
+ A nutritious substance supplied by
+ a bountiful Providence for the fattening of the poor.
+ -- Ambrose Bierce
+%
+Air Force Inertia Axiom:
+ Consistency is always easier to defend than correctness.
+%
+Air is water with holes in it.
+%
+Air pollution is really making us pay through the nose.
+%
+Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value.
+ -- Marechal Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy,
+ Ecole Superieure de Guerre
+%
+Al didn't smile for forty years. You've got to admire a man like that.
+ -- from "Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman"
+%
+Alan Turing thought about criteria to settle the question of whether
+machines can think, a question of which we now know that it is about
+as relevant as the question of whether submarines can swim.
+ -- Edsger W. Dijkstra
+%
+Alas, how love can trifle with itself!
+ -- William Shakespeare, "The Two Gentlemen of Verona"
+%
+Alas, I am dying beyond my means.
+ -- Oscar Wilde [as he sipped champagne on his deathbed]
+%
+ALASKA:
+ A prelude to "No."
+%
+Albert Camus wrote that the only serious question is whether to kill yourself
+or not. Tom Robbins wrote that the only serious question is whether time has
+a beginning and an end. Camus clearly got up on the wrong side of bed, and
+Robbins must have forgotten to set the alarm.
+ -- Tom Robbins
+%
+ALBRECHT'S LAW:
+ Social innovations tend to the level
+ of minimum tolerable well-being.
+%
+Alcohol, hashish, prussic acid, strychnine are weak dilutions.
+The surest poison is time.
+ -- Emerson, "Society and Solitude"
+%
+Alcohol is the anesthesia by which we endure the operation of life.
+ -- George Bernard Shaw
+%
+Alden's Laws:
+ 1: Giving away baby clothes and furniture is the major cause
+ of pregnancy.
+ 2: Always be backlit.
+ 3: Sit down whenever possible.
+%
+Aleph-null bottles of beer on the wall,
+Aleph-null bottles of beer,
+You take one down, and pass it around,
+Aleph-null bottles of beer on the wall.
+%
+Alex Haley was adopted!
+%
+Alexander Graham Bell is alive and well
+in New York, and still waiting for a dial tone.
+%
+Alexander Hamilton started the U.S. Treasury with nothing - and that was
+the closest our country has ever been to being even.
+ -- The Best of Will Rogers
+%
+Algebraic symbols are used when you do not know what you are talking about.
+ -- Philippe Schnoebelen
+%
+Algebraic symbols are used when you don't know what you're talking about.
+%
+Algol-60 surely must be regarded as the most
+important programming language yet developed.
+ -- T. Cheatham
+%
+ALGORITHM:
+ Trendy dance for hip programmers.
+%
+Alimony and bribes will engage a large share of your wealth.
+%
+Alimony is a system by which, when two people
+make a mistake, one of them continues to pay for it.
+ -- Peggy Joyce
+%
+Alimony is like buying oats for a dead horse.
+ -- Arthur Baer
+%
+Alimony is the curse of the writing classes.
+ -- Norman Mailer
+%
+Alimony is the high cost of leaving.
+%
+Aliquid melius quam pessimum optimum non est.
+%
+Alive without breath,
+As cold as death;
+Never thirsty, ever drinking,
+All in mail ever clinking.
+%
+All a man needs out of life is a place to sit 'n' spit in the fire.
+%
+All art is but imitation of nature.
+ -- Lucius Annaeus Seneca
+%
+All articles that coruscate with resplendence are not truly auriferous.
+%
+All bad precedents began as justifiable measures.
+ -- Gaius Julius Caesar, quoted in "The Conspiracy of
+ Catiline", by Sallust
+%
+All constants are variables.
+%
+All diplomacy is a continuation of war by other means.
+ -- Chou En Lai
+%
+All flesh is grass.
+ -- Isaiah
+Smoke a friend today.
+%
+All generalizations are false, including this one.
+ -- Mark Twain
+%
+All God's children are not beautiful. Most of God's children are, in fact,
+barely presentable.
+ -- Fran Lebowitz, "Metropolitan Life"
+%
+All Gods were immortal.
+ -- Stanislaw J. Lem, "Unkempt Thoughts"
+%
+All great discoveries are made by mistake.
+ -- Young
+%
+All great ideas are controversial, or have been at one time.
+%
+All heiresses are beautiful.
+ -- John Dryden
+%
+All his life he has looked away... to the horizon, to the sky,
+to the future. Never his mind on where he was, on what he was doing.
+ -- Yoda
+%
+All hope abandon, ye who enter here!
+ -- Dante Alighieri
+%
+All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
+%
+All I kin say is when you finds yo'self wanderin' in a peach orchard,
+ya don't go lookin' for rutabagas.
+ -- Kingfish
+%
+All I know is what the words know, and dead things, and that
+makes a handsome little sum, with a beginning and a middle and
+an end, as in the well-built phrase and the long sonata of the dead.
+ -- Samuel Beckett
+%
+All I need to have a good time,
+Is a reefer, a woman and a bottle of wine.
+With those three things I don't need no sunshine,
+A reefer, a woman and a bottle of wine.
+
+All I want is to never grow old,
+I want to wash in a bathtub of gold.
+I want 97 kilos already rolled,
+I want to wash in a bathtub of gold.
+
+I want to light my cigars with 10 dollar bills,
+I like to have a cattle ranch in Beverly Hills.
+I want a bottle of Red Eye that's always filled,
+I like to have a cattle ranch in Beverly Hills.
+ -- Country Joe and the Fish, "Zachariah"
+%
+All I want is a warm bed and a kind word and unlimited power.
+ -- Ashleigh Brilliant
+%
+All intelligent species own cats.
+%
+All is fear in love and war.
+%
+All is well that ends well.
+ -- John Heywood
+%
+All I've got left on the list of desirable vocations is heiress to the
+throne of any country in Western Europe and Laurie Anderson. "Be
+practical", was the choral reply from the dinner table. Well, Laurie
+Anderson is already Laurie Anderson, but I read an article in Harpers
+that said there were eleven countries, in the world this is I think,
+that have queens as sovereign rulers. That's probably my best shot.
+%
+All kings is mostly rapscallions.
+ --Mark Twain
+%
+All laws are simulations of reality.
+ -- John C. Lilly
+%
+All life evolves by the differential survival of replicating entities.
+ -- Dawkins
+%
+All men have the right to wait in line.
+%
+All men know the utility of useful things;
+but they do not know the utility of futility.
+ -- Chuang-tzu
+%
+All men profess honesty as long as they can.
+To believe all men honest would be folly.
+To believe none so is something worse.
+ -- John Quincy Adams
+%
+All most men really want in life is a wife, a house, two kids and a car,
+a cat, no maybe a dog. Ummm, scratch one of the kids and add a dog.
+Definitely a dog.
+%
+All most people ask of life is a constant
+and exaggerated sense of their own importance.
+%
+All most people want is a little more than they'll ever get.
+%
+All my friends and I are crazy.
+That's the only thing that keeps us sane.
+%
+All my friends are getting married,
+Yes, they're all growing old,
+They're all staying home on the weekend,
+They're all doing what they're told.
+%
+All my life I wanted to be someone; I guess I should have been more specific.
+ -- Jane Wagner
+%
+ALL NEW:
+ Parts not interchangeable with previous model.
+%
+All newspaper editorial writers ever do is come down from
+the hills after the battle is over and shoot the wounded.
+%
+All of the animals except man know that
+the principal business of life is to enjoy it.
+%
+All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs
+synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats. The lady across the hall tried to
+rob a department store... with a pricing gun... She said, "Give me all
+of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store."
+ -- Stephen Wright
+%
+All of us should treasure his Oriental wisdom and his preaching of a
+Zen-like detachment, as exemplified by his constant reminder to clerks,
+tellers, or others who grew excited by his presence in their banks:
+"Just lie down on the floor and keep calm."
+ -- Robert Wilson, "John Dillinger Died for You"
+%
+All parts should go together without forcing. You must remember that the
+parts you are reassembling were disassembled by you. Therefore, if you
+can't get them together again, there must be a reason. By all means, do
+not use a hammer.
+ -- IBM maintenance manual, 1925
+%
+All people are born alike -- except Republicans and Democrats.
+ -- Groucho Marx
+%
+All phone calls are obscene.
+ -- Karen Elizabeth Gordon
+%
+All possibility of understanding is rooted in the ability to say no.
+ -- Susan Sontag
+%
+All programmers are optimists. Perhaps this modern sorcery especially attracts
+those who believe in happy endings and fairy godmothers. Perhaps the hundreds
+of nitty frustrations drive away all but those who habitually focus on the end
+goal. Perhaps it is merely that computers are young, programmers are younger,
+and the young are always optimists. But however the selection process works,
+the result is indisputable: "This time it will surely run," or "I just found
+the last bug."
+ -- Frederick Brooks, "The Mythical Man Month"
+%
+All programmers are playwrights and all computers are lousy actors.
+%
+All progress is based upon a universal innate desire of every organism
+to live beyond its income.
+ -- Samuel Butler, "Notebooks"
+%
+All science is either physics or stamp collecting.
+ -- Ernest Rutherford
+%
+All seems condemned in the long run
+to approximate a state akin to Gaussian noise.
+ -- James Martin
+%
+All snakes who wish to remain in Ireland will please raise their right hands.
+ -- Saint Patrick
+%
+All syllogisms have three parts, therefore this is not a syllogism.
+%
+All that glitters has a high refractive index.
+%
+All that glitters is not gold; all that wander are not lost.
+%
+All that is gold does not glitter,
+Not all those who wander are lost;
+The old that is strong does not wither,
+Deep roots are not reached by the frost.
+From the ashes a fire shall be woken,
+A light from the shadows shall spring;
+Renewed shall be blade that was broken,
+The crownless again shall be king.
+ -- J.R.R. Tolkien
+%
+All the big corporations depreciate their possessions, and you can, too,
+provided you use them for business purposes. For example, if you subscribe
+to the Wall Street Journal, a business-related newspaper, you can deduct
+the cost of your house, because, in the words of U.S. Supreme Court Chief
+Justice Warren Burger in a landmark 1979 tax decision: "Where else are you
+going to read the paper? Outside? What if it rains?"
+ -- Dave Barry
+%
+All the evidence concerning the universe
+has not yet been collected, so there's still hope.
+%
+All the lines have been written There's been Sandburg,
+It's sad but it's true Keats, Poe and McKuen
+With all the words gone, They all had their day
+What's a young poet to do? And knew what they're doin'
+
+But of all the words written The bird is a strange one,
+And all the lines read, So small and so tender
+There's one I like most, Its breed still unknown,
+And by a bird it was said! Not to mention its gender.
+
+It reminds me of days of So what is this line
+Both gloom and of light. Whose author's unknown
+It still lifts my spirits And still makes me giggle
+And starts the day right. Even now that I'm grown?
+
+I've read all the greats
+Both starving and fat,
+But none was as great as
+"I tot I taw a puddy tat."
+ -- Etta Stallings, "An Ode To Childhood"
+%
+All the men on my staff can type.
+ -- Bella Abzug
+%
+...all the modern inconveniences...
+ -- Mark Twain
+%
+All the really good ideas I ever had came to me while I was milking a cow.
+ -- Grant Wood
+%
+All the simple programs have been written.
+%
+All the troubles you have will pass away very quickly.
+%
+All the world's a stage and most of us are desperately un-rehearsed.
+ -- Sean O'Casey
+%
+All the world's a VAX,
+And all the coders merely butchers;
+They have their exits and their entrails;
+And one int in his time plays many widths,
+His sizeof being N bytes. At first the infant,
+Mewling and puking in the Regent's arms.
+And then the whining schoolboy, with his Sun,
+And shining morning face, creeping like slug
+Unwillingly to school.
+ -- A Very Annoyed PDP-11
+%
+All things are possible, except for skiing through a revolving door.
+%
+All things being equal, you are bound to lose.
+%
+All things that are, are with more spirit chased than enjoyed.
+ -- Shakespeare, "Merchant of Venice"
+%
+All this wheeling and dealing around, why, it isn't for money,
+it's for fun. Money's just the way we keep score.
+ -- Henry Tyroon
+%
+All true wisdom is found on T-shirts.
+%
+All warranty and guarantee clauses
+become null and void upon payment of invoice.
+%
+All we know is the phenomenon: we spend our time sending messages to each
+other, talking and trying to listen at the same time, exchanging information.
+This seems to be our most urgent biological function; it is what we do with
+our lives."
+ -- Lewis Thomas, "The Lives of a Cell"
+%
+All who joy would win Must share it --
+Happiness was born a twin.
+ -- Lord Byron
+%
+All your files have been destroyed (sorry). Paul.
+%
+Allen's Axiom:
+ When all else fails, read the instructions.
+%
+Alliance, n:
+ In international politics, the union of two thieves who
+ have their hands so deeply inserted in each other's pocket
+ that they cannot safely plunder a third.
+ -- Ambrose Bierce
+%
+All's well that ends.
+%
+Almost anything derogatory you could say
+about today's software design would be accurate.
+ -- K.E. Iverson
+%
+ALONE:
+ In bad company.
+%
+Also, the Scots are said to have invented golf. Then they had
+to invent Scotch whiskey to take away the pain and frustration.
+%
+alta, v: To change; make or become different; modify.
+ansa, v: A spoken or written reply, as to a question.
+baa, n: A place people meet to have a few drinks.
+Baaston, n: The capital of Massachusetts.
+baaba, n: One whose business is to cut or trim hair or beards.
+beea, n: An alcoholic beverage brewed from malt and hops, often
+ found in baas.
+caaa, n: An automobile.
+centa, n: A point around which something revolves; axis. (Or
+ someone involved with the Knicks.)
+chouda, n: A thick seafood soup, often in a milk base.
+dada, n: Information, esp. information organized for analysis or
+ computation.
+ -- Massachewsetts Unabridged Dictionary
+%
+Although it is still a truism in industry that "no one was ever fired for
+buying IBM," Bill O'Neil, the chief technology officer at Drexel Burnham
+Lambert, says he knows for a fact that someone has been fired for just that
+reason. He knows it because he fired the guy.
+ "He made a bad decision, and what it came down to was, 'Well, I
+bought it because I figured it was safe to buy IBM,'" Mr. O'Neil says.
+"I said, 'No. Wrong. Game over. Next contestant, please.'"
+ -- The Wall Street Journal, December 6, 1989
+%
+Although written many years ago, Lady Chatterley's Lover has just been
+reissued by the Grove Press, and this pictorial account of the day-to-day
+life of an English gamekeeper is full of considerable interest to outdoor
+minded readers, as it contains many passages on pheasant-raising, the
+apprehending of poachers, ways to control vermin, and other chores and duties
+of the professional gamekeeper. Unfortunately, one is obliged to wade
+through many pages of extraneous material in order to discover and savour
+those sidelights on the management of a midland shooting estate, and in this
+reviewer's opinion the book cannot take the place of J.R. Miller's "Practical
+Gamekeeping."
+ -- Ed Zern, "Field and Stream", Nov., 1959
+%
+Always borrow money from a pessimist; he doesn't expect to be paid back.
+%
+Always do right. This will gratify some people and astonish the rest.
+ -- Mark Twain
+%
+Always draw your curves, then plot your reading.
+%
+Always leave room to add an explanation if it doesn't work out.
+%
+Always run from a knife and rush a gun.
+ -- Jimmy Hoffa
+%
+Always store beer in a dark place.
+%
+Always the dullness of the fool is the whetstone of the wits.
+ -- William Shakespeare, "As You Like It"
+%
+Always there remain portions of our heart
+into which no one is able to enter, invite them as we may.
+%
+Always think of something new; this
+helps you forget your last rotten idea.
+ -- Seth Frankel
+%
+AMAZING BUT TRUE...
+ If all the salmon caught in Canada in one year were laid end to
+ end across the Sahara Desert, the smell would be absolutely awful.
+%
+AMAZING BUT TRUE...
+ There is so much sand in Northern Africa that if it
+ were spread out it would completely cover the Sahara Desert.
+%
+AMBIDEXTROUS:
+ Able to pick with equal skill a right-hand pocket or a left.
+%
+AMBIGUITY:
+ Telling the truth when you don't mean to.
+%
+Ambition is a poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy.
+ -- Charlie McCarthy
+%
+Ambition, n:
+ An overmastering desire to be vilified by enemies while
+ living and made ridiculous by friends when dead.
+ -- Ambrose Bierce
+%
+America: born free and taxed to death.
+%
+America has been discovered before, but it has always been hushed up.
+ -- Oscar Wilde
+%
+America, how can I write a holy litany in your silly mood?
+ -- Allen Ginsberg
+%
+America is a melting pot. You know, where those on the bottom get burned,
+and the scum rises to the top.
+ -- Utah Phillips
+%
+America is a stronger nation for the ACLU's uncompromising effort.
+ -- President John F. Kennedy
+
+The simple rights, the civil liberties from generations of struggle must not
+be just fine words for patriotic holidays, words we subvert on weekdays, but
+living, honored rules of conduct amongst us...I'm glad the American Civil
+Liberties Union gets indignant, and I hope this will always be so.
+ -- Senator Adlai E. Stevenson
+
+The ACLU has stood foursquare against the recurring tides of hysteria that
+from time to time threaten freedoms everywhere... Indeed, it is difficult
+to appreciate how far our freedoms might have eroded had it not been for the
+Union's valiant representation in the courts of the constitutional rights
+of people of all persuasions, no matter how unpopular or even despised
+by the majority they were at the time.
+ -- former Supreme Court Chief Justice Earl Warren
+%
+America is the country where you buy a lifetime
+supply of aspirin for one dollar, and use it up in two weeks.
+%
+America may be unique in being a country which has leapt
+from barbarism to decadence without touching civilization.
+ -- John O'Hara
+%
+America was discovered by Amerigo Vespucci and was named after him, until
+people got tired of living in a place called "Vespuccia" and changed its
+name to "America".
+ -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
+%
+America works less, when you say "Union Yes!"
+%
+American business long ago gave up on demanding that prospective employees
+be honest and hardworking. It has even stopped hoping for employees who
+are educated enough that they can tell the difference between the men's room
+and the women's room without having little pictures on the doors.
+ -- Dave Barry
+%
+American by birth; Texan by the grace of God.
+%
+American cars are made shoddily...
+Cars made overseas are far superior.
+ -- Sen. Barry Goldwater
+%
+[Americans] are a race of convicts and ought to be thankful for anything
+we allow them short of hanging.
+ -- Samuel Johnson
+
+America is a large friendly dog in a small room. Every time it wags its
+tail it knocks over a chair.
+ -- Arnold Toynbee
+
+The United States is like the guy at the party who gives cocaine to
+everybody and still nobody likes him.
+ -- Jim Samuels
+%
+Americans are people who insist on living in the present, tense.
+%
+Americans' greatest fear is that America will turn out
+to have been a phenomenon, not a civilization.
+ -- Shirley Hazzard, "Transit of Venus"
+%
+America's best buy for a quarter is a telephone call to the right person.
+%
+Amnesia used to be my favorite word, but then I forgot it.
+%
+AMOEBIT:
+ Amoeba/rabbit cross; it can multiply
+ and divide at the same time.
+%
+Among all savage beasts, none is found so harmful as woman.
+ -- St. John Chrysostom, 304-407.
+%
+Among the lucky, you are the chosen one.
+%
+An acid is like a woman: a good one will eat through your pants.
+ -- Mel Gibson, Saturday Night Live
+%
+An actor's a guy who if you ain't talkin' about him, ain't listening.
+ -- Marlon Brando
+%
+An Ada exception is when a routine gets
+in trouble and says 'Beam me up, Scotty'.
+%
+An adequate bootstrap is a contradiction in terms.
+%
+An Aggie farmer was lifting his hogs, one by one, up to the branches of
+his apple trees to graze on the apples. A Texas student walked by and
+asked him, "Doesn't that take a lot of time?"
+ Replied the Aggie, "What's time to a hog?"
+%
+An alcoholic is someone you don't like who drinks as much as you do.
+ -- Dylan Thomas
+%
+An algorithm must be seen to be believed.
+ -- D.E. Knuth
+%
+An ambassador is an honest man sent abroad
+to lie and intrigue for the benefit of his country.
+ -- Sir Henry Wotton, 1568-1639
+%
+An amendment to a motion may be amended, but an amendment to an amendment
+to a motion may not be amended. However, a substitute for an amendment to
+and amendment to a motion may be adopted and the substitute may be amended.
+ -- The Montana legislature's contribution to the English
+ language.
+%
+An American is a man with two arms and four wheels.
+ -- A Chinese child
+%
+An American scientist once visited the offices of the great Nobel prize
+winning physicist, Niels Bohr, in Copenhagen. He was amazed to find that
+over Bohr's desk was a horseshoe, securely nailed to the wall, with the
+open end up in the approved manner (so it would catch the good luck and not
+let it spill out). The American said with a nervous laugh,
+ "Surely you don't believe the horseshoe will bring you good luck,
+do you, Professor Bohr? After all, as a scientist --"
+Bohr chuckled.
+ "I believe no such thing, my good friend. Not at all. I am
+scarcely likely to believe in such foolish nonsense. However, I am told
+that a horseshoe will bring you good luck whether you believe in it or not."
+%
+An American tourist is visiting Russia, and he's talking with a Russian
+about the fact that not many people in Russia own cars.
+
+American: "I can't believe you don't have cars here! How do you
+ get to work?"
+Russian: "We take the bus, or the subway. We have public
+ transportation everywhere."
+A: "Well, how do you go on vacations?"
+R: "We take the train."
+A: "Well, what if you want to go abroad?"
+R: "We don't ever want go abroad."
+A: "Well, what if you really HAVE to go abroad?"
+R: "We take tanks."
+%
+An American's a person who isn't afraid to criticize
+the president but is always polite to traffic cops.
+%
+An anthropologist at Tulane has just come back from a field trip to
+New Guinea with reports of a tribe so primitive that they have Tide but
+not new Tide with lemon-fresh Borax.
+ -- David Letterman
+%
+An aphorism is never exactly true;
+it is either a half-truth or one-and-a-half truths.
+ -- Karl Kraus
+%
+An appeaser is one who feeds a crocodile -- hoping that it will eat
+him last.
+ -- Sir Winston Churchill, 1954
+%
+An apple a day makes 365 apples a year.
+%
+An atheist is a man with no invisible means of support.
+%
+An atom-blaster is a good weapon, but it can point both ways.
+ -- Isaac Asimov
+%
+An attachment a la Plato
+for a bashful young potato
+or a, not too French, french bean
+must excite your languid spleen.
+For, if you walk down Picadilly
+with a poppy or lily
+in your medieval hand,
+every one will say,
+as you walk your flowery way;
+"If this young man is content,
+with a vegetable love
+which would certainly not content me.
+Why, what a very pure young man
+this pure young man must be!"
+ -- W.S. Gilbert, "Patience"
+ [The subject of the humour is, of course, Oscar Wilde]
+%
+An attorney was defending his client against a charge of first-degree
+murder. "Your Honor, my client is accused of stuff his lover's
+mutilated body into a suitcase and heading for the Mexican border.
+Just north of Tijuana a cop spotted her hand sticking out of the
+suitcase. Now, I would like to stress that my client is *not* a
+murderer. A sloppy packer, maybe..."
+%
+An avocado-tone refrigerator would look good on your resume.
+%
+An economist is a man who would marry
+Farrah Fawcett-Majors for her money.
+%
+An editor is one who separates the wheat from the chaff and prints the chaff.
+ -- Adlai Stevenson
+%
+An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible.
+%
+An efficient and a successful administration manifests
+itself equally in small as in great matters.
+ -- W. Churchill
+%
+An egghead is one who stands firmly on both feet,
+in mid-air, on both sides of an issue.
+ -- Homer Ferguson
+%
+An elderly couple were flying to their Caribbean hideaway on a chartered plane
+when a terrible storm forced them to land on an uninhabited island. When
+several days passed without rescue, the couple and their pilot sank into a
+despondent silence. Finally, the woman asked her husband if he had made his
+usual pledge to the United Way Campaign.
+ "We're running out of food and water and you ask *that*?" her husband
+barked. "If you really need to know, I not only pledged a half million but
+I've already paid them half of it."
+ "You owe the U.W.C. a *quarter million*?" the woman exclaimed
+euphorically. "Don't worry, Harry, they'll find us! They'll find us!"
+%
+An elephant is a mouse with an operating system.
+%
+An engineer, a physicist and a mathematician find themselves in an
+anecdote, indeed an anecdote quite similar to many that you have no doubt
+already heard. After some observations and rough calculations the
+engineer realizes the situation and starts laughing. A few minutes later
+the physicist understands too and chuckles to himself happily as he now
+has enough experimental evidence to publish a paper. This leaves the
+mathematician somewhat perplexed, as he had observed right away that he
+was the subject of an anecdote, and deduced quite rapidly the presence of
+humour from similar anecdotes, but considers this anecdote to be too
+trivial a corollary to be significant, let alone funny.
+%
+An engineer is someone who does list processing in FORTRAN.
+%
+An Englishman never enjoys himself, except for a noble purpose.
+ -- A.P. Herbert
+%
+An evil mind is a great comfort.
+%
+An excellence-oriented '80s male does not wear a regular watch. He wears
+a Rolex watch, because it weighs nearly six pounds and is advertised
+only in excellence-oriented publications such as Fortune and Rich
+Protestant Golfer Magazine. The advertisements are written in
+incomplete sentences, which is how advertising copywriters denote
+excellence:
+
+"The Rolex Hyperion. An elegant new standard in quality excellence and
+discriminating handcraftsmanship. For the individual who is truly able
+to discriminate with regard to excellent quality standards of crafting
+things by hand. Fabricated of 100 percent 24-karat gold. No watch
+parts or anything. Just a great big chunk on your wrist. Truly a
+timeless statement. For the individual who is very secure. Who
+doesn't need to be reminded all the time that he is very successful.
+Much more successful than the people who laughed at him in high
+school. Because of his acne. People who are probably nowhere near as
+successful as he is now. Maybe he'll go to his 20th reunion, and
+they'll see his Rolex Hyperion. Hahahahahahahahaha."
+ -- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence"
+%
+...an experienced, industrious, ambitious, and quite often
+picturesque liar.
+ -- Mark Twain
+%
+An expert is a man who has made all the mistakes which can be made, in a
+very narrow field.
+ -- Niels Bohr
+%
+An expert is a person who avoids the small errors
+as he sweeps on to the grand fallacy.
+ -- Benjamin Stolberg
+%
+An expert is one who knows more and more about less
+and less until he knows absolutely nothing about everything.
+%
+An eye in a blue face
+Saw an eye in a green face.
+"That eye is like this eye"
+Said the first eye,
+"But in low place,
+Not in high place."
+%
+An Hacker there was, one of the finest sort
+Who controlled the system; graphics was his sport.
+A manly man, to be a wizard able;
+Many a protected file he had sitting on his table.
+His console, when he typed, a man might hear
+Clicking and feeping wind as clear,
+Aye, and as loud as does the machine room bell
+Where my lord Hacker was Prior of the cell.
+The Rule of good St Savage or St Doeppnor
+As old and strict he tended to ignore;
+He let go by the things of yesterday
+And took the modern world's more spacious way.
+He did not rate that text as a plucked hen
+Which says that Hackers are not holy men.
+And that a hacker underworked is a mere
+Fish out of water, flapping on the pier.
+That is to say, a hacker out of his cloister.
+That was a text he held not worth an oyster.
+And I agreed and said his views were sound;
+Was he to study till his head wend round
+Poring over books in the cloisters? Must he toil
+As Andy bade and till the very soil?
+Was he to leave the world upon the shelf?
+Let Andy have his labor to himself!
+ -- Chaucer
+ [well, almost. Ed.]
+%
+An honest politician is one who when he is bought will stay bought.
+ -- Simon Cameron
+
+There are honest journalists like there are honest politicians. When
+bought they stay bought.
+ -- Bill Moyers
+%
+An honest tale speeds best being plainly told.
+ -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"
+%
+An idea is not responsible for the people who believe in it.
+%
+An idealist is one who helps the other fellow to make a profit.
+ -- Henry Ford
+%
+An idle mind is worth two in the bush.
+%
+An infallible method of conciliating a tiger
+is to allow oneself to be devoured.
+ -- Konrad Adenauer
+%
+An intellectual is someone whose mind watches itself.
+ -- Albert Camus
+%
+An interpretation I satisfies a sentence in the table language if and only if
+each entry in the table designates the value of the function designated by the
+function constant in the upper-left corner applied to the objects designated
+by the corresponding row and column labels.
+ -- Genesereth & Nilsson, "Logical foundations of Artificial
+ Intelligence"
+%
+An investment in knowledge always pays the best interest.
+ -- Benjamin Franklin
+%
+An old Jewish man reads about Einstein's theory of relativity
+in the newspaper and asks his scientist grandson to explain it to him.
+ "Well, zayda, it's sort of like this. Einstein says that if
+you're having your teeth drilled without Novocain, a minute seems like
+an hour. But if you're sitting with a beautiful woman on your lap, an
+hour seems like a minute."
+ The old man considers this profound bit of thinking for a
+moment and says, "And from this he makes a living?"
+ -- Arthur Naiman
+%
+An old man is lying on his deathbed with all his children, grandchildren and
+great-grandchildren gathered around, teary-eyed at the approaching finale of
+a deeply loved family member. The old man is in a light coma, and the doctors
+have confirmed that the waiting will be over within the next twenty-four
+hours. Suddenly, the old man opens his eyes whispers: "I must be dreaming
+of heaven... I smell my daughter Lisle's strudel."
+ "No, no, grandfather, you are not dreaming", he is reassured.
+"Grandmother is baking strudel right now."
+ A faint smile crosses the old man's face. "Go an get me a sliver of
+strudel," he says, "she bakes the finest strudel in the world."
+ One of the grandchildren is immediately dispatched to honor the old
+man's request, and, after what seems a long time, he returns empty-handed.
+ "Did you bring me some of Lisle's strudel?", the old man quavers.
+ "I'm... I'm very sorry, grandfather, but she says it's for the
+funeral."
+%
+An optimist is a guy that has never had much experience.
+ -- Don Marquis
+%
+An optimist is a man who looks forward to marriage.
+A pessimist is a married optimist.
+%
+An ounce of clear truth is worth a pound of obfuscation.
+%
+An ounce of hypocrisy is worth a pound of ambition.
+ -- Michael Korda
+%
+An ounce of mother is worth a ton of priest.
+ -- Spanish proverb
+%
+Anarchy may not be a better form of government,
+but it's better than no government at all.
+%
+And all that the Lorax left here in this mess
+was a small pile of rocks with the one word, "unless."
+Whatever THAT meant, well, I just couldn't guess.
+That was long, long ago, and each day since that day,
+I've worried and worried and worried away.
+Through the years as my buildings have fallen apart,
+I've worried about it with all of my heart.
+
+"BUT," says the Oncler, "now that you're here,
+the word of the Lorax seems perfectly clear!
+UNLESS someone like you cares a whole awful lot,
+nothing is going to get better - it's not.
+So... CATCH!" cries the Oncler. He lets something fall.
+"It's a truffula seed. It's the last one of all!
+
+"You're in charge of the last of the truffula seeds.
+And truffula trees are what everyone needs.
+Plant a new truffula -- treat it with care.
+Give it clean water and feed it fresh air.
+Grow a forest -- protect it from axes that hack.
+Then the Lorax and all of his friends may come back!"
+%
+And as we stand on the edge of darkness
+Let our chant fill the void
+That others may know
+
+ In the land of the night
+ The ship of the sun
+ Is drawn by
+ The grateful dead.
+ -- Tibetan "Book of the Dead," ca. 4000 BC.
+%
+And Bezel saideth unto Sham: `Sham,' he saideth, `Thou shalt goest
+unto the town of Begorrah, and there thou shalt fetcheth unto thine
+bosom 35 talents, and also shalt thou fetcheth a like number of cubits,
+provideth that they are nice and fresh.'
+ -- Dave Barry
+%
+And Bezel saideth unto Sham: "Sham," he saideth, "Thou shalt goest
+unto the town of Begorrah, and there thou shalt fetcheth unto thine
+bosom 35 talents, and also shalt thou fetcheth a like number of cubits,
+provideth that they are nice and fresh."
+ -- Dave Barry, "Getting Religion"
+%
+And did those feet, in ancient times,
+Walk upon England's mountains green?
+And was the Holy Lamb of God
+In England's pleasant pastures seen?
+And did the Countenance Divine
+Shine forth upon these crowded hills?
+And was Jerusalem builded here
+Among these dark satanic mills?
+
+Bring me my bow of burning gold!
+Bring me my arrows of desire!
+Bring me my spears! O clouds unfold!
+Bring me my chariot of fire!
+I shall not cease from mental fight,
+Nor shall my sword rest in my hand,
+Till we have built Jerusalem
+In England's green and pleasant land.
+ -- William Blake, "Jerusalem"
+%
+And do you think (fop that I am) that I could be the Scarlet Pumpernickel?
+%
+And ever has it been known that
+love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation.
+ -- Kahlil Gibran
+%
+And he climbed with the lad up the Eiffelberg Tower. "This," cried the Mayor,
+"is your town's darkest hour! The time for all Whos who have blood that is red
+to come to the aid of their country!" he said. "We've GOT to make noises in
+greater amounts! So, open your mouth, lad! For every voice counts!" Thus he
+spoke as he climbed. When they got to the top, the lad cleared his throat and
+he shouted out, "YOPP!"
+ And that Yopp... That one last small, extra Yopp put it over!
+Finally, at last! From the speck on that clover their voices were heard!
+They rang out clear and clean. And they elephant smiled. "Do you see what
+I mean?" They've proved they ARE persons, no matter how small. And their
+whole world was saved by the smallest of All!"
+ "How true! Yes, how true," said the big kangaroo. "And, from now
+on, you know what I'm planning to do? From now on, I'm going to protect
+them with you!" And the young kangaroo in her pouch said, "ME TOO! From
+the sun in the summer. From rain when it's fall-ish, I'm going to protect
+them. No matter how small-ish!"
+ -- Dr. Seuss "Horton Hears a Who"
+%
+And here I wait so patiently
+Waiting to find out what price
+You have to pay to get out of
+Going thru all of these things twice
+ -- Dylan, "Memphis Blues Again"
+%
+And I alone am returned to wag the tail.
+%
+And I heard Jeff exclaim, as they strolled out of sight,
+"Merry Christmas to all -- you take credit cards, right?"
+%
+And I suppose the little things are harder to get used to than the big
+ones. The big ones you get used to, you make up your mind to them. The
+little things come along unexpectedly, when you aren't thinking about
+them, aren't braced against them.
+ -- Marion Zimmer Bradley, "The Forbidden Tower"
+%
+And I will do all these good works, and I will do them for free!
+My only reward will be a tombstone that says "Here lies Gomez
+Addams -- he was good for nothing."
+ -- Jack Sharkey, The Addams Family
+%
+And if California slides into the ocean,
+Like the mystics and statistics say it will.
+I predict this motel will be standing,
+Until I've paid my bill.
+ -- Warren Zevon, "Desperados Under the Eaves"
+%
+And if sometime, somewhere, someone asketh thee,
+"Who kilt thee?", tell them it 'twas the Doones of Bagworthy!
+%
+And if you wonder,
+What I am doing,
+As I am heading for the sink.
+I am spitting out all the bitterness,
+Along with half of my last drink.
+%
+And in the heartbreak years that lie ahead,
+Be true to yourself and the Grateful Dead.
+ -- Joan Baez
+%
+And it should be the law: If you use the word `paradigm' without knowing
+what the dictionary says it means, you go to jail. No exceptions.
+ -- David Jones
+%
+And malt does more than Milton can to justify God's ways to man.
+ -- A.E. Housman
+%
+And miles to go before I sleep.
+%
+And now for something completely the same.
+%
+And now your toner's toney, Disk blocks aplenty
+And your paper near pure white, Await your laser drawn lines,
+The smudges on your soul are gone Your intricate fonts,
+And your output's clean as light.. Your pictures and signs.
+
+We've labored with your father, Your amputative absence
+The venerable XGP, Has made the Ten dumb,
+But his slow artistic hand, Without you, Dover,
+Lacks your clean velocity. We're system untounged-
+
+Theses and papers DRAW Plots and TEXage
+And code in a queue Have been biding their time,
+Dover, oh Dover, With LISP code and programs,
+We've been waiting for you. And this crufty rhyme.
+
+Dover, oh Dover, Dover, oh Dover, arisen from dead.
+We welcome you back, Dover, oh Dover, awoken from bed.
+Though still you may jam, Dover, oh Dover, welcome back to the Lab.
+You're on the right track. Dover, oh Dover, we've missed your clean
+ hand...
+%
+And on the eighth day, we bulldozed it.
+%
+And on the seventh day, He exited from append mode.
+%
+...and report cards I was always afraid to show
+Mama'd come to school
+and as I'd sit there softly cryin'
+Teacher'd say he's just not tryin'
+Got a good head if he'd apply it
+but you know yourself
+it's always somewhere else
+I'd build me a castle
+with dragons and kings
+and I'd ride off with them
+As I stood by my window
+and looked out on those
+Brooklyn roads
+ -- Neil Diamond, "Brooklyn Roads"
+%
+And so it was, later,
+As the miller told his tale,
+That her face, at first just ghostly,
+Turned a whiter shade of pale.
+ -- Procol Harum
+%
+And that's the way it is...
+ -- Walter Cronkite
+%
+And the crowd was stilled. One elderly man, wondering at the sudden silence,
+turned to the Child and asked him to repeat what he had said. Wide-eyed,
+the Child raised his voice and said once again, "Why, the Emperor has no
+clothes! He is naked!"
+ -- "The Emperor's New Clothes"
+%
+And the French medical anatomist Etienne Serres really did argue that
+black males are primitive because the distance between their navel and
+penis remains small (relative to body height) throughout life, while
+white children begin with a small separation but increase it during
+growth -- the rising belly button as a mark of progress.
+ -- S.J. Gould, "Racism and Recapitulation"
+%
+And the silence came surging softly backwards
+When the plunging hooves were gone...
+ -- Walter de La Mare, "The Listeners"
+%
+And they shall beat their swords into plowshares, for if you hit a man
+with a plowshare, he's going to know he's been hit.
+%
+And this is a table ma'am. What in essence it consists of is a horizontal
+rectilinear plane surface maintained by four vertical columnar supports,
+which we call legs. The tables in this laboratory, ma'am, are as advanced
+in design as one will find anywhere in the world.
+ -- Michael Frayn, "The Tin Men"
+%
+And this is good old Boston,
+The home of the bean and the cod,
+Where the Lowells talk only to Cabots,
+And the Cabots talk only to God.
+%
+And tomorrow will be like today, only more so.
+ -- Isaiah 56:12, New Standard Version
+%
+And we heard him exclaim
+As he started to roam:
+"I'm a hologram, kids,
+please don't try this at home!'"
+ -- Bob Violence
+%
+And what accomplished villains these old engineers were! What diabolical
+ways to sabotage they found! Nikolai Karlovich von Meck, of the People's
+Comissariat of Railroads ... would hold forth for hours on end about the
+economic problems involved in the construction of socialism, and he loved to
+give advice. One such pernicious piece of advice was to increase the size
+of freight trains and not worry about heavier than average loads. The GPU
+exposed van Meck, and he was shot: his objective had been to wear out rails
+and roadbeds, freight cars and locomotives, so as to leave the Republic
+without railroads in case of foreign military intervention! When, not long
+afterward, the new People's Commissar of Railroads ordered that average
+loads should be increased, and even doubled and tripled them, the malicious
+engineers who protested became known as limiters ... they were rightly
+shot for their lack of faith in the possibilities of socialist transport.
+ -- Aleksandr I. Solzhenitsyn, "The Gulag Archipelago"
+%
+And... What in the world ever became of Sweet Jane?
+ She's lost her sparkle, you see she isn't the same.
+ Livin' on reds, vitamin C, and cocaine
+ All a friend can say is "Ain't it a shame?"
+ -- The Grateful Dead
+%
+And yet I should have dearly liked, I own, to have touched her lips; to
+have questioned her, that she might have opened them; to have looked upon
+the lashes of her downcast eyes, and never raised a blush; to have let
+loose waves of hair, an inch of which would be a keepsake beyond price:
+in short, I should have liked, I do confess, to have had the lightest
+license of a child, and yet been man enough to know its value.
+ -- Charles Dickens
+%
+And yet, seasons must be taken with a grain of salt, for they too have
+a sense of humor, as does history. Corn stalks comedy, comedy stalks
+tragedy, and this too is historic. And yet, still, when corn meets
+tragedy face to face, we have politics.
+ -- Dalglish, Larsen and Sutherland,
+ "Root Crops and Ground Cover"
+%
+And you can't get any Watney's Red Barrel,
+because the bars close every time you're thirsty...
+%
+"And, you know, I mustn't preach to you, but surely it wouldn't be right for
+you to take away people's pleasure of studying your attire, by just going
+and making yourself like everybody else. You feel that, don't you?" said
+he, earnestly.
+ -- William Morris, "Notes from Nowhere"
+%
+Andrea's Admonition:
+ Never bestow profanity upon a driver who has wronged you.
+ If you think his window is closed and he can't hear you,
+ it isn't and he can.
+%
+ANDROPHOBIA:
+ Fear of men.
+%
+Anger is momentary madness.
+ -- Horace
+%
+Anger kills as surely as the other vices.
+%
+Animals can be driven crazy by putting too many in too small a pen.
+Homo sapiens is the only animal that voluntarily does this to himself.
+ -- Lazarus Long
+%
+Ankh if you love Isis.
+%
+Announcing the NEW VAX 11/782!!
+
+Be the envy of other major Communist Governments!
+
+Defend yourself against the entire ICBM force of the imperialist USA with
+just one of the processors, at the same time you're designing missile IC's,
+cracking secret NATO codes and editing propaganda for your own people all
+at the same time with the other! (Well, you really can't, but the Americans
+think you can, and that's the point, right?)
+%
+ANOINT:
+ To grease a king or other great
+ functionary already sufficiently slippery.
+%
+Another day, another dollar.
+ -- Vincent J. Fuller, defense lawyer for John Hinckley,
+ upon Hinckley's acquittal for shooting President Ronald
+ Reagan.
+%
+Another good night not to sleep in a eucalyptus tree.
+%
+Another megabytes the dust.
+%
+Another possible source of guidance for teenagers is television, but
+television's message has always been that the need for truth, wisdom and
+world peace pales by comparison with the need for a toothpaste that offers
+whiter teeth *and* fresher breath.
+ -- Dave Barry, "Kids Today: They Don't Know Dum Diddly"
+%
+Another such victory over the Romans, and we are undone.
+ -- Pyrrhus
+%
+Answer a fool according to his folly, lest he be wise in his own conceit.
+ -- Proverbs, 26:5
+%
+Anthony's Law of the Workshop:
+ Any tool when dropped, will roll into the least accessible
+ corner of the workshop.
+
+Corollary:
+ On the way to the corner, any dropped tool will first strike
+ your toes.
+%
+Antique fairy tale: Little Red Riding Hood.
+Modern fairy tale: Oswald, acting alone, shot Kennedy.
+%
+Anti-trust laws should be approached with exactly that attitude.
+%
+Antonio Antonio
+Was tired of living alonio
+He thought he would woo Antonio Antonio
+Miss Lucamy Lu, Rode of on his polo ponio
+Miss Lucamy Lucy Molonio. And found the maid
+ In a bowery shade,
+ Sitting and knitting alonio.
+Antonio Antonio
+Said if you will be my ownio
+I'll love tou true Oh nonio Antonio
+And buy for you You're far too bleak and bonio
+An icery creamry conio. And all that I wish
+ You singular fish
+ Is that you will quickly begonio.
+Antonio Antonio
+Uttered a dismal moanio
+And went off and hid
+Or I'm told that he did
+In the Antartical Zonio.
+%
+ANTONYM:
+ The opposite of the word you're trying to think of.
+%
+Anxious after the delay, Gruber doesn't waste any time getting the Koenig
+[a modified Porsche] up to speed, and almost immediately we are blowing off
+Alfas, Fiats, and Lancias full of excited Italians. These people love fast
+cars. But they love sport too and no passing encounter goes unchallenged.
+Nothing serious, just two wheels into your lane as you're bearing down on
+them at 130-plus -- to see if you're paying attention.
+ -- Road & Track article about driving two absurdly fast
+ cars across Europe.
+%
+Any circuit design must contain at least one part which is obsolete, two parts
+which are unobtainable, and three parts which are still under development.
+%
+Any clod can have the facts, but having opinions is an art.
+ -- Charles McCabe
+%
+Any coward can sit in his home and criticize a pilot for flying into a
+mountain in a fog. But I would rather, by far, die on a mountainside
+than in bed. What kind of man would live where there is no daring?
+And is life so dear that we should blame men for dying in adventure?
+Is there a better way to die?
+ -- Charles Lindbergh
+%
+Any excuse will serve a tyrant.
+ -- Aesop
+%
+Any father who thinks he's all important should remind himself that this
+country honors fathers only one day a year while pickles get a whole week.
+%
+Any fool can paint a picture, but it takes a
+wise person to be able to sell it.
+%
+Any fool can tell the truth, but it requires a man of sense to know
+how to lie well.
+ -- Samuel Butler
+%
+Any girl can be glamorous; all you have to do is stand still and look
+stupid.
+ -- Hedy Lamarr
+%
+Any given program, when running, is obsolete.
+%
+Any given program will expand to fill available memory.
+%
+Any great truth can -- and eventually will -- be expressed as a cliche --
+a cliche is a sure and certain way to dilute an idea. For instance, my
+grandmother used to say, "The black cat is always the last one off the
+fence." I have no idea what she meant, but at one time, it was undoubtedly
+true.
+ -- Solomon Short
+%
+Any instrument when dropped will roll into the least accessible corner.
+%
+Any man can work when every stroke of his hand brings down the fruit
+rattling from the tree to the ground; but to labor in season and out
+of season, under every discouragement, by the power of truth -- that
+requires a heroism which is transcendent.
+ -- Henry Ward Beecher
+%
+Any man who hates dogs and babies can't be all bad.
+ -- Leo Rosten, on W.C. Fields
+%
+Any member introducing a dog into the Society's premises shall be
+liable to a fine of one pound. Any animal leading a blind person shall
+be deemed to be a cat.
+ -- Rule 46, Oxford Union Society, London
+%
+"Any news from the President on a successor?" he asked hopefully.
+"None," Anita replied. "She's having great difficulty finding someone
+qualified who is willing to accept the post."
+ "Then I stay," said Dr. Fresh. "I'm not good for much, but I
+can at least make a decision."
+ "Somewhere," he grumphed, "there must be a naive, opportunistic
+young welp with a masochistic streak who would like to run the most
+up-and-down bureaucracy in the history of mankind."
+ -- R.L. Forward, "Flight of the Dragonfly"
+%
+Any philosophy that can be put "in a nutshell" belongs there.
+ -- Sydney Harris
+%
+Any president should have the right to shoot
+at least two people a year without explanation.
+ -- Herbert Hoover, discussing the press
+%
+Any priest or shaman must be presumed guilty until proved innocent.
+ -- Lazarus Long
+%
+Any program which runs right is obsolete.
+%
+Any programming language is at its best before it is implemented and used.
+%
+Any road followed to its end leads precisely nowhere. Climb the mountain
+just a little to test it's a mountain. From the top of the mountain, you
+cannot see the mountain.
+ -- Bene Gesserit proverb
+%
+Any road followed to its end leads precisely nowhere.
+Climb the mountain just a little to test it's a mountain.
+From the top of the mountain, you cannot see the mountain.
+ -- Bene Gesserit proverb, "Dune"
+%
+Any small object that is accidentally
+dropped will hide under a larger object.
+%
+Any sufficiently advanced bug becomes a feature.
+%
+Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from a rigged demo.
+%
+Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.
+ -- Arthur Clarke
+%
+Any two philosophers can tell each other all they know in two hours.
+ -- Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr.
+%
+Anybody can win, unless there happens to be a second entry.
+%
+Anybody has a right to evade taxes if he can get away with it. No citizen
+has a moral obligation to assist in maintaining his government.
+ -- J.P. Morgan
+%
+Anybody that wants the presidency so much that he'll spend two years
+organising and campaigning for it is not to be trusted with the office.
+ -- David Broder
+%
+Anybody who doesn't cut his speed at the
+sight of a police car is probably parked.
+%
+Anybody with money to burn will easily find someone to tend the fire.
+%
+Anyone can become angry -- that is easy; but to be angry with the right
+person, to the right degree, at the right time, for the right purpose
+and in the right way -- that is not easy.
+ -- Aristotle
+%
+Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he is
+supposed to be doing.
+%
+Anyone can hold the helm when the sea is calm.
+ -- Publilius Syrus
+%
+"Anyone can say 'no'. It is the first word a child learns and often the
+first word he speaks. It is a cheap word because it requires no
+explanation, and many men and women have acquired a reputation for
+intelligence who know only this word and have used it in place of
+thought on every occasion."
+ -- Chuck Jones (Warner Bros. animation director.)
+%
+Anyone stupid enough to be caught by the police is probably guilty.
+%
+Anyone who cannot cope with mathematics is not fully human.
+At best he is a tolerable subhuman who has learned to wear shoes,
+bathe and not make messes in the house.
+ -- Lazarus Long
+%
+Anyone who considers protocol unimportant has never dealt with a cat.
+ -- R. Heinlein
+%
+Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined.
+ -- Samuel Goldwyn
+%
+Anyone who has attended a USENIX conference in a fancy hotel can tell you
+that a sentence like "You're one of those computer people, aren't you?"
+is roughly equivalent to "Look, another amazingly mobile form of slime
+mold!" in the mouth of a hotel cocktail waitress.
+ -- Elizabeth Zwicky
+%
+Anyone who has had a bull by the tail
+knows five or six more things than someone who hasn't.
+ -- Mark Twain
+%
+Anyone who imagines that all fruits ripen at the same time
+as the strawberries, knows nothing about grapes.
+ -- Philippus Paracelsus
+%
+Anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President
+should on no account be allowed to do the job.
+ -- The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
+%
+Anyone who knows history, particularly the history of Europe, will, I think,
+recognize that the domination of education or of government by any one
+particular religious faith is never a happy arrangement for the people.
+ -- Eleanor Roosevelt
+%
+Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.
+ -- Groucho Marx
+%
+Anything anybody can say about America is true.
+ -- Emmett Grogan
+%
+Anything cut to length will be too short.
+%
+Anything free is worth what you'll pay for it.
+%
+Anything is good and useful if it's made of chocolate.
+%
+Anything is good if it's made of chocolate.
+%
+Anything is possible on paper.
+ -- Ron McAfee
+%
+Anything is possible, unless it's not.
+%
+Anything labeled "NEW" and/or "IMPROVED" isn't.
+The label means the price went up.
+The label "ALL NEW", "COMPLETELY NEW", or "GREAT NEW"
+means the price went way up.
+%
+Anything that is worth doing has been done frequently. Things hitherto
+undone should be given, I suspect, a wide berth.
+ -- Max Beerbohm, "Mainly on the Air"
+%
+Anything worth doing is worth overdoing.
+%
+Anytime things appear to be going better, you've overlooked something.
+%
+Anyway, I keep picturing all these little kids playing some game in this
+big field of rye and all. Thousands of little kids, and nobody's around --
+nobody big, I mean -- except me. And I'm standing on the edge of some crazy
+cliff. What I have to do, I have to catch everybody if they start to go
+over the cliff -- I mean if they're running and they don't look where they're
+going I have to come out from somewhere and catch them. That's all I'd do
+all day. I'd just be the catcher in the rye. I know it; I know it's crazy,
+but that's the only thing I'd really like to be. I know it's crazy.
+ -- J.D. Salinger, "Catcher in the Rye"
+%
+Apathy Club meeting this Friday.
+If you want to come, you're not invited.
+%
+APHASIA:
+ Loss of speech in social scientists when asked
+ at parties, "But of what use is your research?"
+%
+aphorism, n.:
+ A concise, clever statement.
+afterism, n.:
+ A concise, clever statement you don't think of until too late.
+ -- James Alexander Thom
+%
+APL hackers do it in the quad.
+%
+APL is a mistake, carried through to perfection. It is the language of the
+future for the programming techniques of the past: it creates a new generation
+of coding bums.
+ -- Edsger W. Dijkstra, SIGPLAN Notices, Volume 17, Number 5
+%
+APL is a natural extension of assembler language programming;
+...and is best for educational purposes.
+ -- A. Perlis
+%
+APL is a write-only language. I can write programs
+in APL, but I can't read any of them.
+ -- Roy Keir
+%
+Appearances often are deceiving.
+ -- Aesop
+%
+APPENDIX:
+ A portion of a book, for which nobody yet has discovered any use.
+%
+Applause, n:
+ The echo of a platitude from the mouth of a fool.
+ -- Ambrose Bierce
+%
+April is the cruellest month...
+ -- Thomas Stearns Eliot
+%
+AQUADEXTROUS:
+ Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub
+ faucet on and off with your toes.
+ -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
+%
+aquadextrous, adj.:
+ Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off
+with your toes.
+ -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
+%
+AQUARIUS (Jan 20 - Feb 18)
+ You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive.
+ You lie a great deal. On the other hand, you are inclined to be
+ careless and impractical, causing you to make the same mistakes over
+ and over again. People think you are stupid.
+%
+AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 to Feb. 18)
+ A friend will step forward and confide in you about your breath. Rely
+ on your outgoing personality and winning smile to get you into a lot
+ of trouble. Be relaxed, things will change. Look for a pink slip on
+ payday. Stop wetting your bed.
+%
+AQUARIUS (Jan.20 - Feb.18)
+ You are the type of person who never has enough money to do what
+ you want. Don't expect things to get any better today, either.
+ As a matter of fact they might get worse. Intensify your
+ relationship with your bank and any friends you have who might be
+ able to lend you a few bucks.
+%
+Aquavit is also considered useful for medicinal purposes, an essential
+ingredient in what I was once told is the Norwegian cure for the common
+cold. You get a bottle, a poster bed, and the brightest colored stocking
+cap you can find. You put the cap on the post at the foot of the bed,
+then get into bed and drink aquavit until you can't see the cap. I've
+never tried this, but it sounds as though it should work.
+ -- Peter Nelson
+%
+Are we not men?
+%
+Are we running light with overbyte?
+%
+Are Women Human?
+In the year 584, in Lyon, France, 43 Catholic bishops and 20 men
+representing other bishops, after a lengthy debate, took a vote.
+The results were 32 yes, 31 no. Women were declared human by one
+vote.
+%
+Are you a parent? Do you sometimes find yourself unsure as to what to
+say in those awkward situations? Worry no more...
+
+ Are you sure you're telling the truth? Think hard.
+ Does it make you happy to know you're sending me to an early grave?
+ If all your friends jumped off the cliff, would you jump too?
+ Do you feel bad? How do you think I feel?
+ Aren't you ashamed of yourself?
+ Don't you know any better?
+ How could you be so stupid?
+ If that's the worst pain you'll ever feel, you should be thankful.
+ You can't fool me. I know what you're thinking.
+ If you can't say anything nice, say nothing at all.
+%
+Are you a parent? Do you sometimes find yourself unsure as to what to
+say in those awkward situations? Worry no more...
+
+ Do as I say, not as I do.
+ Do me a favour and don't tell me about it. I don't want to know.
+ What did you do *this* time?
+ If it didn't taste bad, it wouldn't be good for you.
+ When I was your age...
+ I won't love you if you keep doing that.
+ Think of all the starving children in India.
+ If there's one thing I hate, it's a liar.
+ I'm going to kill you.
+ Way to go, clumsy.
+ If you don't like it, you can lump it.
+%
+Are you a parent? Do you sometimes find yourself unsure as to what to
+say in those awkward situations? Worry no more...
+
+ Go away. You bother me.
+ Why? Because life is unfair.
+ That's a nice drawing. What is it?
+ Children should be seen and not heard.
+ You'll be the death of me.
+ You'll understand when you're older.
+ Because.
+ Wipe that smile off your face.
+ I don't believe you.
+ How many times have I told you to be careful?
+ Just beacuse.
+%
+Are you a parent? Do you sometimes find yourself unsure as to what to
+say in those awkward situations? Worry no more...
+
+ Good children always obey.
+ Quit acting so childish.
+ Boys don't cry.
+ If you keep making faces, someday it'll freeze that way.
+ Why do you have to know so much?
+ This hurts me more than it hurts you.
+ Why? Because I'm bigger than you.
+ Well, you've ruined everything. Now are you happy?
+ Oh, grow up.
+ I'm only doing this because I love you.
+%
+Are you a parent? Do you sometimes find yourself unsure as to what to
+say in those awkward situations? Worry no more...
+
+ When are you going to grow up?
+ I'm only doing this for your own good.
+ Why are you crying? Stop crying, or I'll give you something to
+ cry about.
+ What's wrong with you?
+ Someday you'll thank me for this.
+ You'd lose your head if it weren't attached.
+ Don't you have any sense at all?
+ If you keep sucking your thumb, it'll fall off.
+ Why? Because I said so.
+ I hope you have a kid just like yourself.
+%
+Are you a parent? Do you sometimes find yourself unsure as to what to
+say in those awkward situations? Worry no more...
+
+ You wouldn't understand.
+ You ask too many questions.
+ In order to be a man, you have to learn to follow orders.
+ That's for me to know and you to find out.
+ Don't let those bullies push you around. Go in there and stick
+ up for yourself.
+ You're acting too big for your britches.
+ Well, you broke it. Now are you satisfied?
+ Wait till your father gets home.
+ Bored? If you're bored, I've got some chores for you.
+ Shape up or ship out.
+%
+Are you making all this up as you go along?
+%
+"Are you police officers?"
+"No, ma'am. We're musicians."
+ -- The Blues Brothers
+%
+Are you sure the back door is locked?
+%
+"Are you sure you're not an encyclopedia salesman?"
+No, Ma'am. Just a burglar, come to ransack the flat."
+ -- Monty Python
+%
+Are your glasses mended with a strip of masking tape right over your nose?
+Do you put pennies in the slots in your penny loafers?
+Does your bow-tie flash "hey you kid" in red neon at parties?
+Do you think pizza before noon is unhealthy?
+Do you use the "greasy kid's stuff" to stick down your cowlick?
+Do you wear a "nerd-pack" in your shirt pocket to keep the dozen
+ or so pencils from marking the cloth?
+Do you think Mary Jane is somebody's name?
+Is illegal fishing is something only a daring criminal would do?
+Is Batman your hero? Superman? Green Lantern? The Shadow?
+Do you think girls who kiss on the first date are loose?
+
+ Rate yourself on the nerd-o-matic scale. (1 point for each YES answer)
+0-2 -- You are really hip, a real cool cat, a hoopy frood.
+3-5 -- There is hope for you yet.
+6-7 -- Uh-oh, trouble in River City.
+8-10 -- Your immortal soul is in peril.
+11+ -- Does suicide seem attractive?
+%
+Argue for your limitations, and sure enough, they're yours.
+ -- Messiah's Handbook : Reminders for the Advanced Soul
+%
+Arguments are extremely vulgar, for everyone
+in good society holds exactly the same opinion.
+ -- O. Wilde
+%
+Arguments with furniture are rarely productive.
+%
+ARIES (Mar 21 - Apr 19)
+ You are the pioneer type and hold most people in contempt. You are
+ quick tempered, impatient, and scornful of advice. You are not
+ very nice.
+%
+ARIES (Mar.21 - Apr.19)
+ You are a wonderfully interesting, honest, hard-working person
+ and you should make many new friends, but you won't because you've
+ got a mean streak in you a mile wide.
+%
+ARITHMETIC:
+ An obscure art no longer practiced in
+ the world's developed countries.
+%
+Arithmetic is being able to count up to twenty without taking off your shoes.
+ -- Mickey Mouse
+%
+ARMADILLO:
+ To provide weapons to a Spanish pickle.
+%
+Armenians and Azerbaijanis in Stepanakert, capital of the Nagorno-Karabakh
+autonomous region, rioted over much needed spelling reform in the Soviet
+Union.
+ -- P.J. O'Rourke
+%
+Armor's Axiom:
+ Virtue is the failure to achieve vice.
+%
+Armstrong's Collection Law:
+ If the check is truly in the mail,
+ it is surely made out to someone else.
+%
+Arnold's Addendum:
+ Anything not fitting into these categories causes cancer in rats.
+%
+Arnold's Laws of Documentation:
+ 1.) If it should exist, it doesn't.
+ 2.) If it does exist, it's out of date.
+ 3.) Only documentation for useless programs transcends the
+ first two laws.
+%
+Around the turn of this century, a composer named Camille Saint-Saens wrote
+a satirical zoological-fantasy called "Le Carnaval des Animaux." Aside from
+one movement of this piece, "The Swan", Saint-Saens didn't allow this work
+to be published or even performed until a year had elapsed after his death.
+(He died in 1921.)
+ Most of us know the "Swan" movement rather well, with its smooth,
+flowing cello melody against a calm background; but I've been having this
+fantasy...
+ What if he had written this piece with lyrics, as a song to be sung?
+And, further, what if he had accompanied this song with a musical saw? (This
+instrument really does exist, often played by percussionists!) Then the
+piece would be better known as:
+ SAINT-SAENS' SAW SONG "SWAN"!
+%
+Arrakis teaches the attitude of the knife - chopping off what's
+incomplete and saying: "Now it's complete because it's ended here."
+ -- Muad'dib, "Dune"
+%
+Art is a jealous mistress.
+ -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
+%
+Art is a lie which makes us realize the truth.
+ -- Picasso
+%
+Art is anything you can get away with.
+ -- Marshall McLuhan.
+%
+Art is Nature speeded up and God slowed down.
+ -- Chazal
+%
+Art is the tree of life. Science is the tree of death.
+%
+Arthur's Laws of Love:
+ 1. People to whom you are attracted invariably think you
+ remind them of someone else.
+ 2. The love letter you finally got the courage to send will
+ be delayed in the mail long enough for you to make a fool
+ of yourself in person.
+%
+Article the Third:
+ Where a crime of the kidneys has been committed, the accused should
+ enjoy the right to a speedy diaper change. Public announcements and
+ guided tours of the aforementioned are not necessary.
+Article the Fourth:
+ The decision to eat strained lamb or not should be with the "feedee"
+ and not the "feeder". Blowing the strained lamb into the feeder's
+ face should be accepted as an opinion, not as a declaration of war.
+Article the Fifth:
+ Babies should enjoy the freedom to vocalize, whether it be in church,
+ a public meeting place, during a movie, or after hours when the
+ lights are out. They have not yet learned that joy and laughter have
+ to last a lifetime and must be conserved.
+ -- Erma Bombeck, "A Baby's Bill of Rights"
+%
+Artificial intelligence has the same relation to intelligence as
+artificial flowers have to flowers.
+ -- David Parnas
+%
+Artistic ventures highlighted. Rob a museum.
+%
+As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.
+%
+As a professional humorist, I often get letters from readers who are
+interested in the basic nature of humor. "What kind of a sick perverted
+disgusting person are you," these letters typically ask, "that you make
+jokes about setting fire to a goat?"
+ -- Dave Barry
+%
+As an adolescent I aspired to lasting fame, I craved factual certainty, and
+I thirsted for a meaningful vision of human life -- so I became a scientist.
+This is like becoming an archbishop so you can meet girls.
+ -- Matt Cartmill
+%
+As an adolescent I aspired to lasting fame, I craved factual certainty,
+and I thirsted for a meaningful vision of human life -- so I became a
+scientist. This is like becoming an archbishop so you can meet girls.
+ -- M. Cartmill
+%
+As an Englishman, an Aussie and a Scotsman are sitting in a pub, quaffing
+a few, three flies buzz down from the ceiling and lazily circle each drinker.
+Suddenly "buzzzzzzzzplooop", each fly does a kamakazi dive into a different
+glass.
+ The Englishman take a disgusted look at his pint, dips the fly out
+with a spoon, flicks the fly over his shoulder, and drains the glass.
+ The Aussie notices the fly as he puts the glass to his lips. With
+a quick puff he blows the bug out in a cloud of foam, and tosses the beer
+down in one gulp.
+ Then, as they both look on, awestruck, the Scotsman gently grasps the
+fly by its wings, lifts it out of his brew and shakes it off. Then, in a
+firm voice he speaks to the fly: "There y'are now laddie, safe and sound.
+NOW SPIT IT OOOOT!"
+%
+As crazy as hauling timber into the woods.
+ -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)
+%
+As failures go, attempting to recall the past is like trying to grasp
+the meaning of existence. Both make one feel like a baby clutching at
+a basketball: one's palms keep sliding off.
+ -- Joseph Brodsky
+%
+As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not certain;
+and as far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality.
+ -- Einstein
+%
+As far as we know, our computer has never had an undetected error.
+ -- Weisert
+%
+As flies to wanton boys are we to the gods; they kill us for their sport.
+ -- Shakespeare, "King Lear"
+%
+As for the women, though we scorn and flout 'em,
+We may live with, but cannot live without 'em.
+ -- Frederic Reynolds
+%
+As Gen. de Gaulle occassionally acknowledges America to be the daughter
+of Europe, so I am pleased to come to Yale, the daughter of Harvard.
+ -- J.F. Kennedy
+%
+As goatherd learns his trade by goat, so writer learns his trade by wrote.
+%
+As he had feared, his orders had been forgotten and everyone had brought
+the potato salad.
+%
+As I argued in "Beloved Son", a book about my son Brian and the subject of
+religious communes and cults, one result of proper early instruction in the
+methods of rational thought will be to make sudden mindless conversions --
+to anything -- less likely. Brian now realizes this and has, after eleven
+years, left the sect he was associated with. The problem is that once the
+untrained mind has made a formal commitment to a religious philosophy --
+and it does not matter whether that philosophy is generally reasonable and
+high-minded or utterly bizarre and irrational -- the powers of reason are
+suprisingly ineffective in changing the believer's mind.
+ -- Steve Allen
+%
+As I bit into the nectarine, it had a crisp juiciness about it that was very
+pleasurable - until I realized it wasn't a nectarine at all, but A HUMAN HEAD!!
+ -- Jack Handey
+%
+As I thought, no better from this side.
+ -- Eeyore
+%
+As I was going up Punch Card Hill,
+ Feeling worse and worser,
+There I met a C.R.T.
+ And it drop't me a cursor.
+
+C.R.T., C.R.T.,
+ Phosphors light on you!
+If I had fifty hours a day
+ I'd spend them all at you.
+ -- Uncle Colonel's Cursory Rhymes
+%
+As I was passing Project MAC,
+I met a Quux with seven hacks.
+Every hack had seven bugs;
+Every bug had seven manifestations;
+Every manifestation had seven symptoms.
+Symptoms, manifestations, bugs, and hacks,
+How many losses at Project MAC?
+%
+As I was walking down the street one dark and dreary day,
+I came upon a billboard and much to my dismay,
+The words were torn and tattered,
+From the storm the night before,
+The wind and rain had done its work and this is how it goes,
+
+Smoke Coca-Cola cigarettes, chew Wrigleys Spearmint beer,
+Ken-L-Ration dog food makes your complexion clear,
+Simonize your baby in a Hershey candy bar,
+And Texaco's a beauty cream that's used by every star.
+
+Take your next vacation in a brand new Frigedaire,
+Learn to play the piano in your winter underwear,
+Doctors say that babies should smoke until they're three,
+And people over sixty-five should bathe in Lipton tea.
+%
+As in certain cults it is possible to
+kill a process if you know its true name.
+ -- Ken Thompson and Dennis M. Ritchie
+%
+As in Protestant Europe, by contrast, where sects divided endlessly into
+smaller competing sects and no church dominated any other, all is different
+in the fragmented world of IBM. That realm is now a chaos of conflicting
+norms and standards that not even IBM can hope to control. You can buy a
+computer that works like an IBM machine but contains nothing made or sold by
+IBM itself. Renegades from IBM constantly set up rival firms and establish
+standards of their own. When IBM recently abandoned some of its original
+standards and decreed new ones, many of its rivals declared a puritan
+allegiance to IBM's original faith, and denounced the company as a divisive
+innovator. Still, the IBM world is united by its distrust of icons and
+imagery. IBM's screens are designed for language, not pictures. Graven
+images may be tolerated by the luxurious cults, but the true IBM faith relies
+on the austerity of the word.
+ -- Edward Mendelson, "The New Republic", February 22, 1988
+%
+As long as I am mayor of this city [Jersey City, New Jersey] the great
+industries are secure. We hear about constitutional rights, free speech
+and the free press. Every time I hear these words I say to myself, "That
+man is a Red, that man is a Communist". You never hear a real American
+talk like that.
+ -- Frank Hague, 1896-1956
+%
+As long as the answer is right, who cares if the question is wrong?
+%
+As long as there are ill-defined goals, bizarre bugs, and unrealistic
+schedules, there will be Real Programmers willing to jump in and Solve
+The Problem, saving the documentation for later.
+%
+As long as war is regarded as wicked, it will always have its fascination.
+When it is looked upon as vulgar, it will cease to be popular.
+ -- Oscar Wilde, "Intentions"
+%
+As many of you know, I am taking a class here at UNC on Personality.
+One of the tests to determine personality in our book was so incredibly
+useful and interesting, I just had to share it.
+
+Answer each of the following items "true" or "false"
+
+ 1. I salivate at the sight of mittens.
+ 2. If I go into the street, I'm apt to be bitten by a horse.
+ 3. Some people never look at me.
+ 4. Spinach makes me feel alone.
+ 5. My sex life is A-okay.
+ 6. When I look down from a high spot, I want to spit.
+ 7. I like to kill mosquitoes.
+ 8. Cousins are not to be trusted.
+ 9. It makes me embarrassed to fall down.
+10. I get nauseous from too much roller skating.
+11. I think most people would cry to gain a point.
+12. I cannot read or write.
+13. I am bored by thoughts of death.
+14. I become homicidal when people try to reason with me.
+15. I would enjoy the work of a chicken flicker.
+16. I am never startled by a fish.
+17. My mother's uncle was a good man.
+18. I don't like it when somebody is rotten.
+19. People who break the law are wise guys.
+20. I have never gone to pieces over the weekend.
+%
+As many of you know, I am taking a class here at UNC on Personality.
+One of the tests to determine personality in our book was so incredibly
+useful and interesting, I just had to share it.
+
+Answer each of the following items "true" or "false"
+
+ 1. I think beavers work too hard.
+ 2. I use shoe polish to excess.
+ 3. God is love.
+ 4. I like mannish children.
+ 5. I have always been disturbed by the sight of Lincoln's ears.
+ 6. I always let people get ahead of me at swimming pools.
+ 7. Most of the time I go to sleep without saying goodbye.
+ 8. I am not afraid of picking up door knobs.
+ 9. I believe I smell as good as most people.
+10. Frantic screams make me nervous.
+11. It's hard for me to say the right thing when I find myself in a room
+ full of mice.
+12. I would never tell my nickname in a crisis.
+13. A wide necktie is a sign of disease.
+14. As a child I was deprived of licorice.
+15. I would never shake hands with a gardener.
+16. My eyes are always cold.
+17. Cousins are not to be trusted.
+18. When I look down from a high spot, I want to spit.
+19. I am never startled by a fish.
+20. I have never gone to pieces over the weekend.
+%
+As me an' me marrer was readin' a tyape,
+The tyape gave a shriek mark an' tried tae escyape;
+It skipped ower the gyate tae the end of the field,
+An' jigged oot the room wi' a spool an' a reel!
+Follow the leader, Johnny me laddie,
+Follow it through, me canny lad O;
+Follow the transport, Johnny me laddie,
+Away, lad, lie away, canny lad O!
+ -- S. Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary"
+%
+As of next Thursday, UNIX will be flushed in favor of TOPS-10.
+Please update your programs.
+%
+As of next Tuesday, C will be flushed in favor of COBOL.
+Please update your programs.
+%
+As of next week, passwords will be entered in Morse code.
+%
+As part of an ongoing effort to keep you, the Fortune reader, abreast of
+the valuable information the daily crosses the USENET, Fortune presents:
+
+News articles that answer *your* questions, #1:
+
+ Newsgroups: comp.sources.d
+ Subject: how do I run C code received from sources
+ Keywords: C sources
+ Distribution: na
+
+ I do not know how to run the C programs that are posted in the
+ sources newsgroup. I save the files, edit them to remove the
+ headers, and change the mode so that they are executable, but I
+ cannot get them to run. (I have never written a C program before.)
+
+ Must they be compiled? With what compiler? How do I do this? If
+ I compile them, is an object code file generated or must I generate
+ it explicitly with the > character? Is there something else that
+ must be done?
+%
+As part of the conversion, computer specialists rewrote 1,500 programs;
+a process that traditionally requires some debugging.
+ -- USA Today, referring to the Internal Revenue Service
+ conversion to a new computer system.
+%
+As some day it may happen that a victim must be found
+I've got a little list -- I've got a little list
+Of society offenders who might well be underground
+And who never would be missed -- who never would be missed.
+ -- Koko, "The Mikado"
+%
+As soon as we started programming, we found to our surprise that it wasn't
+as easy to get programs right as we had thought. Debugging had to be
+discovered. I can remember the exact instant when I realized that a large
+part of my life from then on was going to be spent in finding mistakes in
+my own programs.
+ -- Maurice Wilkes, designer of EDSAC, on programming, 1949
+%
+As the poet said, "Only God can make a tree" -- probably
+because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.
+ -- Woody Allen
+%
+As the system comes up, the component builders will from time to time appear,
+bearing hot new versions of their pieces -- faster, smaller, more complete,
+or putatively less buggy. The replacement of a working component by a new
+version requires the same systematic testing procedure that adding a new
+component does, although it should require less time, for more complete and
+efficient test cases will usually be available.
+ -- Frederick Brooks Jr., "The Mythical Man Month"
+%
+As to Jesus of Nazareth... I think the system of Morals and his Religion,
+as he left them to us, the best the World ever saw or is likely to see;
+but I apprehend it has received various corrupting Changes, and I have,
+with most of the present Dissenters in England, some doubts as to his
+divinity.
+ -- Benjamin Franklin
+%
+As well look for a needle in a bottle of hay.
+ -- Miguel de Cervantes
+%
+As Will Rogers would have said,
+"There is no such things as a free variable."
+%
+As with most fine things, chocolate has its season. There is a simple memory
+aid that you can use to determine whether it is the correct time to order
+chocolate dishes: Any month whose name contains the letter A, E, or U is the
+proper time for chocolate.
+ -- Sandra Boynton, "Chocolate: The Consuming Passion"
+%
+As you grow older, you will still do foolish things,
+but you will do them with much more enthusiasm.
+ -- The Cowboy
+%
+As you will see, I told them, in no uncertain terms, to see Figure one.
+ -- Dave "First Strike" Pare
+%
+As Zeus said to Narcissus, "Watch yourself."
+%
+ASCII:
+ The control code for all beginning programmers and those who would
+ become computer literate. Etymologically, the term has come down as
+ a contraction of the often-repeated phrase "ascii and you shall
+ receive."
+ -- Robb Russon
+%
+ASCII a stupid question, you get an EBCDIC answer.
+%
+ASHes to ASHes, DOS to DOS.
+%
+Ashes to ashes, dust to dust,
+If God won't have you, the devil must.
+%
+Ask five economists and you'll get five different explanations (six if
+one went to Harvard).
+ -- Edgar R. Fiedler
+%
+Ask not for whom the Bell tolls, and you
+will pay only the station-to-station rate.
+ -- Howard Kandel
+%
+Ask not for whom the telephone bell tolls...
+if thou art in the bathtub, it tolls for thee.
+%
+Ask not what's inside your head, but what your head's inside of.
+ -- J.J. Gibson
+%
+Ask yourself whether you are happy and you cease to be so.
+ -- John Stuart Mill
+%
+Asked how she felt being the first woman to make a major-league team, she
+said, "Like a pig in mud," or words to that effect, and then turned and
+released a squirt of tobacco juice from the wad of rum soaked plug in her
+right cheek. She chewed a rare brand of plug called Stuff It, which she
+learned to chew when she was playing Nicaraguan summer ball. She told the
+writers, "They were so mean to me down there you couldn't write it in your
+newspaper. I took a gun everywhere I went, even to bed. *Especially* to
+bed. Guys were after me like you can't believe. That's when I started
+chewing tobacco -- because no matter how bad anybody treats you, it's not
+as bad as this. This is the worst chew in the world. After this,
+everything else is peaches and cream." The writers elected Gentleman Jim,
+the Sparrow's P.R. guy, to bite off a chunk and tell them how it tasted,
+and as he sat and chewed it tears ran down his old sunburnt cheeks and he
+couldn't talk for a while. Then he whispered, "You've been chewing this for
+two years? God, I had no idea it was so hard to be a woman."
+ -- Garrison Keillor
+%
+Asking a working writer what he thinks about critics is like asking a
+lamp-post how it feels about dogs.
+ -- Christopher Hampton
+%
+Assembly language experience is [important] for the maturity
+and understanding of how computers work that it provides.
+ -- D. Gries
+%
+Associate with well-mannered persons and your manners will improve. Run
+with decent folk and your own decent instincts will be strengthened. Keep
+the company of bums and you will become a bum. Hang around with rich people
+and you will end by picking up the check and dying broke.
+ -- Stanley Walker
+%
+Astrology... just a bunch of Taurus.
+%
+Asynchronous inputs are at the root of our race problems.
+ -- D. Winker and F. Prosser
+%
+At about 2500 A.D., humankind discovers a computer problem that *must* be
+solved. The only difficulty is that the problem is NP complete and will
+take thousands of years even with the latest optical biologic technology
+available. The best computer scientists sit down to think up some solution.
+In great dismay, one of the C.S. people tells her husband about it. There
+is only one solution, he says. Remember physics 103, Modern Physics, general
+relativity and all. She replies, "What does that have to do with solving
+a computer problem?"
+ "Remember the twin paradox?"
+ After a few minutes, she says, "I could put the computer on a very
+fast machine and the computer would have just a few minutes to calculate but
+that is the exact opposite of what we want... Of course! Leave the
+computer here, and accelerate the earth!"
+ The problem was so important that they did exactly that. When
+the earth came back, they were presented with the answer:
+
+ IEH032 Error in JOB Control Card.
+%
+At ebb tide I wrote a line upon the sand, and gave it all my heart and all
+my soul. At flood tide I returned to read what I had inscribed and found my
+ignorance upon the shore.
+ -- Kahlil Gibran
+%
+At first sight, the idea of any rules or principles being superimposed on
+the creative mind seems more likely to hinder than to help, but this is
+quite untrue in practice. Disciplined thinking focuses inspiration rather
+than blinkers it.
+ -- G.L. Glegg, "The Design of Design"
+%
+At Group L, Stoffel oversees six first-rate programmers,
+a managerial challenge roughly comparable to herding cats.
+ -- "The Washington Post Magazine", June 9, 1985
+%
+At last I've found the girl of my dreams. Last night she said to me,
+"Once more, Strange, and this time *I'll* be Donnie and *you* be Marie.
+ -- Strange de Jim
+%
+At least I thought I was dancing, 'til somebody stepped on my hand.
+ -- J.B. White
+%
+At no time is freedom of speech more precious than when a man hits his
+thumb with a hammer.
+ -- Marshall Lumsden
+%
+At once it struck me what quality went to form a man of achievement,
+especially in literature, and which Shakespeare possessed so enormously
+-- I mean negative capability, that is, when a man is capable of being
+in uncertainties, mysteries, doubts, without any irritable reaching
+after fact and reason.
+ -- John Keats
+%
+At social gatherings, I would amuse everyone by standing uponst the
+coffee table and striking meself repeatedly upon the head with a brick.
+ -- H.R. Gumby
+%
+At the end of your life there'll be a good rest,
+and no further activities are scheduled.
+%
+At the foot of the mountain, thunder:
+The image of Providing Nourishment.
+Thus the superior man is careful of his words
+And temperate in eating and drinking.
+%
+At the heart of science is an essential tension between two seemingly
+contradictory attitudes -- an openness to new ideas, no matter how bizarre
+or counterintuitive they may be, and the most ruthless skeptical scrutiny
+of all ideas, old and new. This is how deep truths are winnowed from deep
+nonsense. Of course, scientists make mistakes in trying to understand the
+world, but there is a built-in error-correcting mechanism: The collective
+enterprise of creative thinking and skeptical thinking together keeps the
+field on track.
+ -- Carl Sagan, "The Fine Art of Baloney Detection"
+%
+At the hospital, a doctor is training an intern on how to announce bad news
+to the patients. The doctor tells the intern "This man in 305 is going to
+die in six months. Go in and tell him." The intern boldly walks into the
+room, over to the man's bedside and tells him "Seems like you're gonna die!"
+The man has a heart attack and is rushed into surgery on the spot. The doctor
+grabs the intern and screams at him, "What!?!? are you some kind of moron?
+You've got to take it easy, work your way up to the subject. Now this man in
+213 has about a week to live. Go in and tell him, but, gently, you hear me,
+gently!"
+ The intern goes softly into the room, humming to himself, cheerily
+opens the drapes to let the sun in, walks over to the man's bedside, fluffs
+his pillow and wishes him a "Good morning!" "Wonderful day, no? Say...
+guess who's going to die soon!"
+%
+At the source of every error which is blamed on the computer you will find
+at least two human errors, including the error of blaming it on the computer.
+%
+At these prices, I lose money -- but I make it up in volume.
+ -- Peter G. Alaquon
+%
+At times discretion should be thrown aside,
+and with the foolish we should play the fool.
+ -- Menander
+%
+At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the
+number of pens that person is carrying.
+%
+Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
+%
+ATLANTA:
+ An entire city surrounded by an airport.
+%
+Atlee is a very modest man. And with reason.
+ -- Winston Churchill
+%
+Attorney General Edwin Meese III explained why the Supreme Court's Miranda
+decision (holding that subjects have a right to remain silent and have a
+lawyer present during questioning) is unnecessary: "You don't have many
+suspects who are innocent of a crime. That's contradictory. If a person
+is innocent of a crime, then he is not a suspect."
+ -- U.S. News and World Report, 10/14/85
+%
+AUCTION:
+ A gyp off the old block.
+%
+Audacity, and again, audacity, and always audacity.
+ -- G.J. Danton
+%
+audiophile, n:
+ Someone who listens to the equipment instead of the music.
+%
+Auribus teneo lupum.
+[I hold a wolf by the ears.]
+%
+AUTHENTIC:
+ Indubitably true, in somebody's opinion.
+%
+Authors are easy to get on with -- if you're fond of children.
+ -- Michael Joseph, "Observer"
+%
+AUTOMOBILE:
+ A four-wheeled vehicle that runs up hills and down pedestrians.
+%
+Avec!
+%
+Avert misunderstanding by calm, poise, and balance.
+%
+Avoid cliches like the plague.
+They're a dime a dozen.
+%
+Avoid gunfire in the bathroom tonight.
+%
+Avoid Quiet and Placid persons unless you are in Need of Sleep.
+%
+Avoid reality at all costs.
+%
+Avoid revolution or expect to get shot. Mother and I will grieve, but
+we will gladly buy a dinner for the National Guardsman who shot you.
+ -- Dr. Paul Williamson, father of a Kent State student
+%
+Avoid strange women and temporary variables.
+%
+Awash with unfocused desire, Everett twisted the lobe of his one remaining
+ear and felt the presence of somebody else behind him, which caused terror
+to push through his nervous system like a flash flood roaring down the
+mid-fork of the Feather River before the completion of the Oroville Dam
+in 1959.
+ -- Grand Panjandrum's Special Award, 1984 Bulwer-Lytton
+ bad fiction contest.
+%
+[Babe] Ruth made a big mistake when he gave up pitching.
+ -- Tris Speaker, 1921
+%
+BACCHUS:
+ A convenient deity invented by the ancients
+ as an excuse for getting drunk.
+%
+BACHELOR:
+ A guy who is footloose and fiancee-free.
+%
+BACHELOR:
+ A man who chases women and never Mrs. one.
+%
+Back in '80 or '81 the workers were rioting in Gdansk and there were fears
+that the Soviets would invade Poland to put down the demonstrations. Foreign
+correspondents were curious as to just what the Poles would do if they were
+invaded. They asked, "What will you do if the East Germans invade from the
+West and the Soviets invade from the East? Who will you fight first?"
+ To which the Poles replied, "Why, we will fight the Germans first.
+Business before pleasure."
+%
+Back in the early 60's, touch tone phones only had 10 buttons. Some
+military versions had 16, while the 12 button jobs were used only by people
+who had "diva" (digital inquiry, voice answerback) systems -- mainly banks.
+Since in those days, only Western Electric made "data sets" (modems) the
+problems of terminology were all Bell System. We used to struggle with
+written descriptions of dial pads that were unfamiliar to most people
+(most phones were rotary then.) Partly in jest, some AT&T engineering
+types (there was no marketing in the good old days, which is why they were
+the good old days) made up the term "octalthorpe" (note spelling) to denote
+the "pound sign." Presumably because it has 8 points sticking out. It
+never really caught on.
+%
+Back when I was a boy, it was 40 miles to everywhere,
+uphill both ways and it was always snowing.
+%
+BACKWARD CONDITIONING:
+ Putting saliva in a dog's mouth in an attempt to make a bell ring.
+%
+Bacons not the only thing that's cured by hanging from a string.
+%
+BAD CRAZINESS, MAN!!!
+%
+Bad men live that they may eat and drink,
+whereas good men eat and drink that they may live.
+ -- Socrates
+%
+Bagdikian's Observation:
+ Trying to be a first-rate reporter on the average American newspaper
+ is like trying to play Bach's "St. Matthew Passion" on a ukelele.
+%
+Bahdges? We don't need no stinkin' bahdges!
+ -- "The Treasure of Sierra Madre"
+%
+Baker's First Law of Federal Geometry:
+ A block grant is a solid mass of money
+ surrounded on all sides by governors.
+%
+BALLISTOPHOBIA:
+ Fear of bullets;
+OTOPHOBIA:
+ Fear of opening one's eyes.
+PECCATOPHOBIA:
+ Fear of sinning.
+TAPHEPHOBIA:
+ Fear of being buried alive.
+SITOPHOBIA:
+ Fear of food.
+TRICHOPHOBIA:
+ Fear of hair.
+VESTIPHOBIA:
+ Fear of clothing.
+%
+BALTIMORE:
+ A wharf-rat stealing Diogenes' lamp.
+%
+Ban the bomb. Save the world for conventional warfare.
+%
+Banacek's Eighteenth Polish Proverb:
+ The hippo has no sting, but the wise
+ man would rather be sat upon by the bee.
+%
+Bank error in your favor. Collect $200.
+%
+Barach's Rule:
+ An alcoholic is a person who drinks more than his own physician.
+%
+Barbara's Rules of Bitter Experience:
+ (1) When you empty a drawer for his clothes
+ and a shelf for his toiletries, the relationship ends.
+ (2) When you finally buy pretty stationary
+ to continue the correspondence, he stops writing.
+%
+Barker's Proof:
+ Proofreading is more effective after publication.
+%
+BAROMETER:
+ An ingenious instrument which indicates
+ what kind of weather we are having.
+%
+Base 8 is just like base 10, if you are missing two fingers.
+ -- Tom Lehrer
+%
+Baseball is a skilled game. It's America's game -- it, and high taxes.
+ -- Will Rogers
+%
+Baseball is a skilled game. It's America's game - it, and high taxes.
+ -- The Best of Will Rogers
+%
+Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you think
+Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today?
+
+ (1) Writing his memoirs of the Civil War.
+ (2) Advising the President.
+ (3) Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin.
+ -- David Letterman
+%
+BASIC:
+ A programming language. Related to certain social diseases
+ in that those who have it will not admit it in polite company.
+%
+Basic Definitions of Science:
+ If it's green or wiggles, it's biology.
+ If it stinks, it's chemistry.
+ If it doesn't work, it's physics.
+%
+Basic is a high level languish.
+%
+BASIC is to computer programming as QWERTY is to typing.
+ -- Seymour Papert
+%
+Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she'd
+come in and sink my boats.
+ -- Woody Allen
+%
+Batteries not included.
+%
+Battle, n:
+ A method of untying with the teeth a political knot that
+ will not yield to the tongue.
+ -- Ambrose Bierce
+%
+Be a better psychiatrist and the world
+will beat a psychopath to your door.
+%
+BE A LOOF! (There has been a recent population explosion of lerts.)
+%
+BE ALERT!!!! (The world needs more lerts...)
+%
+Be both a speaker of words and a doer of deeds.
+ -- Homer
+%
+Be careful! Is it classified?
+%
+Be careful! UGLY strikes 9 out of 10!
+%
+Be careful how you get yourself involved with persons or
+situations that can't bear inspection.
+%
+Be careful of reading health books, you might die of a misprint.
+ -- Mark Twain
+%
+Be careful what you set your heart on -- for it will surely be yours.
+ -- James Baldwin, "Nobody Knows My Name"
+%
+Be careful when a loop exits to the same place from side and bottom.
+%
+Be careful when you bite into your hamburger.
+ -- Derek Bok
+%
+Be cautious in your daily affairs.
+%
+Be cheerful while you are alive.
+ -- Phathotep, 24th Century B.C.
+%
+Be circumspect in your liaisons with women. It is better
+to be seen at the opera with a man than at mass with a woman.
+ -- De Maintenon
+%
+Be different: conform.
+%
+Be frank and explicit with your lawyer ... it is his business to confuse
+the issue afterwards.
+%
+Be free and open and breezy! Enjoy!
+Things won't get any better so get used to it.
+%
+Be incomprehensible. If they can't understand, they can't disagree.
+%
+Be independent.
+Insult a rich relative today.
+%
+Be it our wealth, our jobs, or even our homes;
+nothing is safe while the legislature is in session.
+%
+Be nice to people on the way up, because you'll meet them on your way down.
+ -- Wilson Mizner
+%
+Be not anxious about what you have, but about what you are.
+ -- Pope St. Gregory I
+%
+Be open to other people -- they may enrich your dream.
+%
+Be prepared to accept sacrifices.
+Vestal virgins aren't all that bad.
+%
+Be regular and orderly in your life, so that you may be violent
+and original in your work.
+ -- Flaubert
+%
+Be security conscious -- National Defense is at stake.
+%
+Be self-reliant and your success is assured.
+%
+Be sociable.
+Speak to the person next to you in the unemployment line tomorrow.
+%
+Be sure to evaluate the bird-hand/bush ratio.
+%
+Be valiant, but not too venturous.
+Let thy attire be comely, but not costly.
+ -- John Lyly
+%
+Beam me up, Scotty!
+%
+Beam me up, Scotty! It ate my phaser!
+%
+Beam me up, Scotty, there's no intelligent life down here!
+%
+Beat your son every day; you may not know why, but he will.
+%
+BEAUTY:
+ What's in your eye when you have a bee in your hand.
+%
+Beauty and harmony are as necessary to you as the very breath of life.
+%
+Beauty, brains, availability, personality; pick any two.
+%
+Beauty is one of the rare things which does not lead to doubt of God.
+ -- Jean Anouilh
+%
+Beauty is truth, truth beauty, that is all
+Ye know on earth, and all ye need to know.
+ -- John Keats
+%
+Beauty may be skin deep, but ugly goes clear to the bone.
+ -- Redd Foxx
+%
+Because I do,
+Because I do not hope,
+Because I do not hope to survive
+Injustice from the Palace, death from the air,
+Because I do, only do,
+I continue...
+ -- T.S. Pynchon
+%
+Because the wine remembers.
+%
+Because we don't think about future generations,
+they will never forget us.
+ -- Henrik Tikkanen
+%
+Been through hell?
+What did you bring back for me?
+%
+Been Transferred Lately?
+%
+Beer -- it's not just for breakfast anymore.
+%
+Beer & Pretzels -- Breakfast of Champions.
+%
+Before borrowing money from a friend, decide which you need more.
+ -- Addison H. Hallock
+%
+Before destruction a man's heart is
+haughty, but humility goes before honour.
+ -- Psalms 18:12
+%
+...before I could come to any conclusion it occurred to me that my speech
+or my silence, indeed any action of mine, would be a mere futility. What
+did it matter what anyone knew or ignored? What did it matter who was
+manager? One gets sometimes such a flash of insight. The essentials of
+this affair lay deep under the surface, beyond my reach, and beyond my
+power of meddling.
+ -- Joseph Conrad
+%
+Before I knew the best part of my life had come, it had gone.
+%
+Before marriage the three little words are "I love you," after marriage
+they are "Let's eat out."
+%
+Before Xerox, five carbons were the maximum extension of anybody's ego.
+%
+Before you ask more questions, think about whether
+you really want to know the answers.
+ -- Gene Wolfe, "The Claw of the Conciliator"
+%
+Beggar to well-dressed businessman:
+ "Could you spare $20.95 for a fifth of Chivas?"
+%
+Beggars should be no choosers.
+ -- John Heywood
+%
+Behind every argument is someone's ignorance.
+%
+Behind every great computer sits a skinny little geek.
+%
+Behind every successful man you'll find a woman with nothing to wear.
+%
+Behold the fool saith, "Put not all thine eggs in the one basket" -- which
+is but a manner of saying, "Scatter your money and your attention"; but
+the wise man saith, "Put all your eggs in the one basket and -- watch that
+basket!"
+ -- Mark Twain
+%
+Behold the unborn foetus and
+ Weep salt tears crocodilian;
+All life is sacred (save, of course,
+ An enemy civilian).
+%
+Behold the warranty -- the bold print
+giveth and the fine print taketh away.
+%
+Being a mime means never having to say you're sorry.
+%
+Being a miner, as soon as you're too old and tired and sick and
+stupid to do your job properly, you have to go, where the very
+opposite applies with the judges.
+ -- Beyond the Fringe
+%
+Being a woman is a terribly difficult trade,
+since it consists principally of dealings with men.
+ -- Conrad
+%
+Being asked solicitously about the state of her health was becoming bothersome
+to the pregnant woman at the cocktail party. And yet another guest went over
+and inquired, "Well, how are you feeling these days?"
+ "Not too well," said the expectant mother. "You know, I've missed
+seven or eight periods now and it's beginning to worry me."
+%
+Being frustrated is disagreeable, but the real
+disasters in life begin when you get what you want.
+%
+Being in politics is like being a football coach. You have to be smart
+enough to understand the game and dumb enough to think it's important.
+ -- Eugene McCarthy
+%
+Being in the army is like being in the Boy Scouts, except that the
+Boy Scouts have adult supervision.
+ -- Blake Clark
+%
+Being owned by someone used to be called
+slavery -- now it's called commitment.
+%
+Being popular is important. Otherwise people might not like you.
+%
+Being stoned on marijuana isn't very
+different from being stoned on gin.
+ -- Ralph Nader
+%
+Being the #2 man in the Justice Department under Ed Meese is akin to
+standing next to a lamp post infested with pigeons.
+ -- unamed Justice Department official
+%
+Being ugly isn't illegal. Yet.
+%
+belief, n:
+ Something you do not believe.
+%
+Believe everything you hear about the world; nothing is too
+impossibly bad.
+ -- Honore de Balzac
+%
+Bell Labs Unix - Reach out and grep someone.
+%
+Ben, why didn't you tell me?
+ -- Luke Skywalker
+%
+Bennett's Laws of Horticulture:
+ (1) Houses are for people to live in.
+ (2) Gardens are for plants to live in.
+ (3) There is no such thing as a houseplant.
+%
+Benson's Dogma:
+ ASCII is our god, and Unix is his profit.
+%
+Bernard Shaw is an excellent man; he has not an enemy in the world, and
+none of his friends like him either.
+ -- Oscar Wilde
+%
+Bernard was a young eighty-three, not a gomer, and able to talk. He'd been
+transferred from MBH (Man's Best Hospital), the House's Rival. Founded in
+Colonial times by the WASPs, the insemination fo MBH by non-WASPs had taken
+place only mid-twentieth century with the token multidextrous Oriental
+surgeon, and finally, with the token red-hot internal-medicine Jew. Yet,
+MBH was still Brooks Brothers, while the House was still the Garment District.
+For Jews at MBH the password was "Dress British, Think Yiddish." It was
+rare to get a TURF from the MBH to the House, and the Fat Man was curious:
+"Bernard, you went to the MBH, they did a great work-up, and you told them,
+after they got done, you wanted to be transferred here. Why?"
+ "I rilly don't know," said Bernard.
+ "Was it the doctors there? The doctors you didn't like?"
+ "The doctus? Nah, the doctus I can't complain."
+ "The test or the room?"
+ "The tests or the room? Vell, nah, about them I can't complain."
+ "The nurses? The food?" asked Fats, but Bernard shook his head no.
+Fats laughed and said, "Listen , Bernie, you went to the MBH, they did this
+great workup, and when I asked you shy you came to the House of God, all you
+tell me is, 'Nah, I can't complain.' So why did you come here? Why, Bernie,
+why?"
+ "Vhy I come heah? Vell, said Bernie, "Heah I can complain."
+ -- House of God
+%
+Bershere's Formula for Failure:
+ There are only two kinds of people who fail: those who
+ listen to nobody... and those who listen to everybody.
+%
+Besides the device, the box should contain:
+ * Eight little rectangular snippets of paper that say "WARNING"
+ * A plastic packet containing four 5/17 inch pilfer grommets and two
+ club-ended 6/93 inch boxcar prawns.
+
+YOU WILL NEED TO SUPPLY: a matrix wrench and 60,000 feet of tram cable.
+
+IF ANYTHING IS DAMAGED OR MISSING: You IMMEDIATELY should turn to your spouse
+and say: "Margaret, you know why this country can't make a car that can get
+all the way through the drive-through at Burger King without a major
+transmission overhaul? Because nobody cares, that's why."
+
+WARNING: This is assuming your spouse's name is Margaret.
+ -- Dave Barry
+%
+Best Beer: A panel of tasters assembled by the Consumer's Union in 1969
+judged Coors and Miller's High Life to be among the very best. Those who
+doubt that beer is a serious subject might ponder its effect on American
+history. For example, New England's first colonists decided to drop anchor
+at Plymouth Rock instead of continuing on to Virginia because, as one of
+them put it, "We could not now take time for further consideration, our
+victuals being spent and especially our beer."
+ -- Felton & Fowler's Best, Worst & Most Unusual
+%
+Best Mistakes In Films
+ In his "Filgoer's Companion", Mr. Leslie Halliwell helpfully lists
+four of the cinema's greatest moments which you should get to see if at all
+possible.
+ In "Carmen Jones", the camera tracks with Dorothy Dandridge down a
+street; and the entire film crew is reflected in the shop window.
+ In "The Wrong Box", the roofs of Victorian London are emblazoned
+with television aerials.
+ In "Decameron Nights", Louis Jourdain stands on the deck of his
+fourteenth century pirate ship; and a white lorry trundles down the hill
+in the background.
+ In "Viking Queen", set in the times of Boadicea, a wrist watch is
+clearly visible on one of the leading characters.
+ -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
+%
+Best of all is never to have been born.
+Second best is to die soon.
+%
+beta test, v:
+ To voluntarily entrust one's data, one's livelihood and one's
+ sanity to hardware or software intended to destroy all three.
+ In earlier days, virgins were often selected to beta test volcanos.
+%
+Better by far you should forget and
+smile than that you should remember and be sad.
+ -- Christina Rossetti
+%
+Better hope the life-inspector doesn't come
+around while you have your life in such a mess.
+%
+Better hope you get what you want before you stop wanting it.
+%
+Better late than never.
+ -- Titus Livius (Livy)
+%
+Better living a beggar than buried an emperor.
+%
+Better the prince of some inferior court,
+Than second, or less, in beatific light.
+ -- Lucifer, Joost van den Vondel's "Lucifer"
+%
+Better to be nouveau than never to have been riche at all.
+%
+Better to light one candle than to curse the darkness.
+ -- motto of the Christopher Society
+%
+Better to use medicines at the outset than at the last moment.
+%
+Better tried by twelve than carried by six.
+ -- Jeff Cooper
+%
+Between 1950 and 1952, a bored weatherman, stationed north of Hudson Bay,
+left a monument that neither government nor time can eradicate. Using a
+bulldozer abandoned by the Air Force, he spent two years and great effort
+pushing boulders into a single word.
+ It can be seen from 10,000 feet, silhouetted against the snow.
+Government officials exchanged memos full of circumlocutions (no Latin
+equivalent exists) but failed to word an appropriation bill for the
+destruction of this cairn, that wouldn't alert the press and embarrass both
+Parliament and Party.
+ It stands today, a monument to human spirit. If life exists on other
+planets, this may be the first message received from us.
+ -- The Realist, November, 1964.
+%
+Between grand theft and a legal fee, there only stands a law degree.
+%
+Between infinite and short there is a big difference.
+ -- G.H. Gonnet
+%
+Between the idea
+And the reality
+Between the motion
+And the act
+Falls the Shadow
+ -- T.S. Eliot, "The Hollow Man"
+
+ [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
+ referring to system service dispatching.]
+%
+BEWARE! People acting under the influence of human nature.
+%
+Beware of a dark-haired man with a loud tie.
+%
+Beware of a tall black man with one blond shoe.
+%
+Beware of a tall blond man with one black shoe.
+%
+Beware of all enterprises that require new clothes, and not rather
+a new wearer of clothes.
+ -- Henry David Thoreau
+%
+Beware of Bigfoot!
+%
+Beware of bugs in the above code;
+I have only proved it correct, not tried it.
+ -- D. Knuth
+%
+Beware of friends who are false and deceitful.
+%
+Beware of geeks bearing graft.
+%
+Beware of low-flying butterflies.
+%
+Beware of mathematicians and all those who make empty prophecies. The
+danger already exists that the mathematicians have made covenant with
+the devil to darken the spirit and to confine man in the bonds of hell.
+ -- St. Augustine
+%
+Beware of Programmers who carry screwdrivers.
+ -- Leonard Brandwein
+%
+Beware of strong drink. It can make you
+shoot at tax collectors -- and miss.
+ -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough For Love"
+%
+Beware of the man who knows the answer before he understands the question.
+%
+"Beware of the man who works hard to learn something, learns it, and finds
+himself no wiser than before," Bokonon tells us. "He is full of murderous
+resentment of people who are ignorant without having come by their
+ignorance the hard way."
+ -- Kurt Vonnegut
+%
+Beware of the Turing Tar-pit in which everything
+is possible but nothing of interest is easy.
+%
+Beware the new TTY code!
+%
+Beware the one behind you.
+%
+bi, n:
+ When *everybody* thinks you're a pervert.
+%
+Bierman's Laws of Contracts:
+ (1) In any given document, you can't cover all the "what if's".
+ (2) Lawyers stay in business resolving all the unresolved "what if's".
+ (3) Every resolved "what if" creates two unresolved "what if's".
+%
+Big book, big bore.
+ -- Callimachus
+%
+Big M, Little M, many mumbling mice
+Are making midnight music in the moonlight,
+Mighty nice!
+%
+Bigamy is having one spouse too many. Monogamy is the same.
+%
+Biggest security gap -- an open mouth.
+%
+Bilbo's First Law:
+ You cannot count friends that are all packed up in barrels.
+%
+Bill Dickey is learning me his experience.
+ -- Yogi Berra in his rookie season.
+%
+Billy: Mom, you know that vase you said was handed down from
+ generation to generation?
+Mom: Yes?
+Billy: Well, this generation dropped it.
+%
+Bingo, gas station, hamburger with a side order of airplane noise,
+and you'll be Gary, Indiana.
+ -- Jessie, "Greaser's Palace"
+%
+Bing's Rule:
+ Don't try to stem the tide -- move the beach.
+%
+Biology grows on you.
+%
+Biology is the only science in which
+multiplication means the same thing as division.
+%
+Birds and bees have as much to do with the facts of life as black
+nightgowns do with keeping warm.
+ -- Hester Mundis, "Powermom"
+%
+Birds are entangled by their feet and men by their tongues.
+%
+birth, n:
+ The first and direst of all disasters.
+ -- Ambrose Bierce
+%
+Birthdays are like busses, never the number you want.
+%
+Bistromathics is simply a revolutionary new way of understanding the
+behavior of numbers. Just as Einstein observed that space was not an
+absolute, but depended on the observer's movement in space, and that
+time was not an absolute, but depended on the observer's movement in
+time, so it is now realized that numbers are not absolute, but depend
+on the observer's movement in restaurants.
+ -- Douglas Adams
+%
+bit, n:
+ A unit of measure applied to color. Twenty-four-bit color
+ refers to expensive $3 color as opposed to the cheaper 25
+ cent, or two-bit, color that use to be available a few years
+ ago.
+%
+Bit off more than my mind could chew,
+Shower or suicide, what do I do?
+ -- Julie Brown, "Will I Make it Through the Eighties?"
+%
+Biz is better.
+%
+Bizarreness is the essence of the exotic.
+%
+Black people have never rioted. A riot is what white people think blacks
+are involved in when they burn stores.
+ -- Julius Lester
+%
+Black shiny mollies and bright colored guppies,
+Shy little angels as gentle as puppies,
+Swimming and diving with scarcely a swish,
+They were just some of my tropical fish.
+
+Then I got mantas that sting in the water,
+Deadly piranhas that itch for a slaughter,
+Savage male betas that bite with a squish,
+Now I have many less tropical fish.
+
+ If you think that
+ Fish are peaceful
+ That's an empty wish.
+ Just dump them together
+ And leave them alone,
+ And soon you will have -- no fish.
+ -- To My Favorite Things
+%
+Blackout, heatwave, .44 caliber homicide,
+The bums drop dead and the dogs go mad in packs on the West Side,
+A young girl standing on a ledge, looks like another suicide,
+She wants to hit those bricks,
+ 'cause the news at six got to stick to a deadline,
+While the millionaires hide in Beekman place,
+The bag ladies throw their bones in my face,
+I get attacked by a kid with stereo sound,
+I don't want to hear it but he won't turn it down...
+ -- Billy Joel, "Glass Houses"
+%
+Blame Saint Andreas -- it's all his fault.
+%
+Blessed are the forgetful: for they
+get the better even of their blunders.
+ -- Nietzsche
+%
+Blessed are the meek for they shall inhibit the earth.
+%
+Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt.
+ -- Herbert Hoover
+%
+Blessed are they that have nothing to say, and who cannot be persuaded
+to say it.
+ -- James Russell Lowell
+%
+Blessed are they who Go Around in Circles,
+for they Shall be Known as Wheels.
+%
+Blessed is he who expects no gratitude, for he shall not be disappointed.
+ -- W.C. Bennett
+%
+Blessed is he who expects nothing, for he shall never be disappointed.
+ -- Alexander Pope
+%
+Blessed is he who has reached the point of no return and knows it,
+for he shall enjoy living.
+ -- W.C. Bennett
+%
+Blessed is the man who, having nothing to say,
+abstains from giving wordy evidence of the fact.
+ -- George Eliot
+%
+Blinding speed can compensate for a lot of deficiencies.
+ -- David Nichols
+%
+blithwapping:
+ Using anything BUT a hammer to hammer a nail into the
+ wall, such as shoes, lamp bases, doorstops, etc.
+ -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
+%
+Blood is thicker than water, and much tastier.
+%
+Bloom's Seventh Law of Litigation:
+ The judge's jokes are always funny.
+%
+Blow it out your ear.
+%
+Blue paint today.
+ [Funny to Jack Slingwine, Guy Harris and Hal Pierson. Ed.]
+%
+Blutarsky's Axiom:
+ Nothing is impossible for the man who will not listen to reason.
+%
+Body by Nautilus, Brain by Mattel.
+%
+Boling's postulate:
+ If you're feeling good, don't worry. You'll get over it.
+%
+Bolub's Fourth Law of Computerdom:
+ Project teams detest weekly progress reporting because it so
+ vividly manifests their lack of progress.
+%
+Bond reflected that good Americans were fine people and that most of them
+seemed to come from Texas.
+ -- Ian Fleming, "Casino Royale"
+%
+Bondage maybe, discipline never!
+ -- T.K.
+%
+Bones: "The man's DEAD, Jim!"
+%
+Boob's Law:
+ You always find something in the last place you look.
+%
+Booker's Law:
+ An ounce of application is worth a ton of abstraction.
+%
+Bore, n:
+ A person who talks when you wish him to listen.
+ -- Ambrose Bierce
+%
+boss, n:
+ According to the Oxford English Dictionary, in the Middle Ages the
+ words "boss" and "botch" were largely synonymous, except that boss,
+ in addition to meaning "a supervisor of workers" also meant "an
+ ornamental stud."
+%
+Boston:
+ An outdoor Betty Ford Clinic.
+%
+Boston:
+ Ludwig van Beethoven being jeered by 50,000 sports
+ fans for finishing second in the Irish jig competition.
+%
+Both models are identical in performance, functional operation, and
+interface circuit details. The two models, however, are not compatible
+on the same communications line connection.
+ -- Bell System Technical Reference
+%
+Boucher's Observation:
+ He who blows his own horn always plays the music
+ several octaves higher than originally written.
+%
+Bounders get bound when they are caught bounding.
+ -- Ralph Lewin
+%
+Bower's Law:
+ Talent goes where the action is.
+%
+Bowie's Theorem:
+ If an experiment works, you must be using the wrong equipment.
+%
+Boy! Eucalyptus!
+%
+Boy, get your head out of the stars above,
+You get the maximum pleasure from a minimum of love.
+Save your heart and let your body be enough,
+To get the maximum pleasure from a minimum of love.
+Save your heart and let your body be enough,
+And get the maximum pleasure from a minimum of love.
+ -- Mac Macinelli, "Minimum Love"
+%
+Boy, I sure wish that I could be in the
+'Advanced Systems Development' group!
+%
+boy, n:
+ A noise with dirt on it.
+%
+Boy, that crayon sure did hurt!
+%
+Boycott meat - suck your thumb.
+%
+Boys will be boys, and so will a lot of middle-aged men.
+ -- Kin Hubbard
+%
+Bozo is the Brotherhood of Zips and Others. Bozos are people who band
+together for fun and profit. They have no jobs. Anybody who goes on a
+tour is a Bozo. Why does a Bozo cross the street? Because there's a Bozo
+on the other side. It comes from the phrase vos otros, meaning others.
+They're the huge, fat, middle waist. The archetype is an Irish drunk
+clown with red hair and nose, and pale skin. Fields, William Bendix.
+Everybody tends to drift toward Bozoness. It has Oz in it. They mean
+well. They're straight-looking except they've got inflatable shoes. They
+like their comforts. The Bozos have learned to enjoy their free time,
+which is all the time.
+ -- Firesign Theatre, "If Bees Lived Inside Your Head"
+%
+Brace yourselves. We're about to try something that borders on the unique:
+an actually rather serious technical book which is not only (gasp) vehemently
+anti-Solemn, but also (shudder) takes sides. I tend to think of it as
+`Constructive Snottiness.'
+ -- Mike Padlipsky, "Elements of Networking Style"
+%
+Bradley's Bromide:
+ If computers get too powerful, we can organize
+ them into a committee -- that will do them in.
+%
+Brady's First Law of Problem Solving:
+ When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more
+ easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger
+ have handled this?"
+%
+Brahma said: Well, after hearing ten thousand explanations, a fool is no
+wiser. But an intelligent man needs only two thousand five hundred.
+ -- The Mahabharata
+%
+Brain fried -- core dumped
+%
+brain, n:
+ The apparatus with which we think that we think.
+ -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+%
+brain, v: [as in "to brain"]
+ To rebuke bluntly, but not pointedly; to dispel a source
+ of error in an opponent.
+ -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+%
+brain-damaged, generalization of "Honeywell Brain Damage" (HBD), a
+theoretical disease invented to explain certain utter cretinisms in
+Multics, adj:
+ Obviously wrong; cretinous; demented. There is an implication
+ that the person responsible must have suffered brain damage,
+ because he/she should have known better. Calling something
+ brain-damaged is bad; it also implies it is unusable.
+%
+Brandy Davis, an outfielder and teammate of mine with the Pittsburgh Pirates,
+is my choice for team captain. Cincinnatti was beating us 3-1, and I led
+off the bottom of the eighth with a walk. The next hitter banged a hard
+single to right field. Feeling the wind at my back, I rounded second and
+kept going, sliding safely into third base.
+ With runners at first and third, and home-run hitter Ralph Kiner at
+bat, our manager put in the fast Brandy Davis to run for the player at first.
+Even with Kiner hitting and a change to win the game with a home run, Brandy
+took off for second and made it. Now we had runners at second and third.
+ I'm standing at third, knowing I'm not going anywhere, and see Brandy
+start to take a lead. All of a sudden, here he comes. He makes a great slide
+into third, and I scream, "Brandy, where are you going?" He looks up, and
+shouts, "Back to second if I can make it."
+ -- Joe Garagiola, "It's Anybody's Ball Game"
+%
+Brandy-and-water spoils two good things.
+ -- Charles Lamb
+%
+Breadth-first search is the bulldozer of science.
+ -- Randy Goebel
+%
+Break into jail and claim police brutality.
+%
+Breathe deep the gathering gloom.
+Watch lights fade from every room.
+Bed-sitter people look back and lament;
+another day's useless energies spent.
+
+Impassioned lovers wrestle as one.
+Lonely man cries for love and has none.
+New mother picks up and suckles her son.
+Senior citizens wish they were young.
+
+Cold-hearted orb that rules the night;
+Removes the colors from our sight.
+Red is grey and yellow white.
+But we decide which is real, and which is an illusion."
+ -- The Moody Blues, "Days of Future Passed"
+%
+Breeding rabbits is a hare raising experience.
+%
+bride, n:
+ A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.
+%
+Bridge ahead. Pay troll.
+%
+briefcase, n:
+ A trial where the jury gets together and forms a lynching party.
+%
+Briefly stated, the findings are that when presented with an array of
+data or a sequence of events in which they are instructed to discover
+an underlying order, subjects show strong tendencies to perceive order
+and causality in random arrays, to perceive a pattern or correlation
+which seems a priori intuitively correct even when the actual correlation
+in the data is counterintuitive, to jump to conclusions about the correct
+hypothesis, to seek and to use only positive or confirmatory evidence, to
+construe evidence liberally as confirmatory, to fail to generate or to
+assess alternative hypotheses, and having thus managed to expose themselves
+only to confirmatory instances, to be fallaciously confident of the validity
+of their judgments (Jahoda, 1969; Einhorn and Hogarth, 1978). In the
+analyzing of past events, these tendencies are exacerbated by failure to
+appreciate the pitfalls of post hoc analyses.
+ -- A. Benjamin
+%
+Brillineggiava, ed i tovoli slati
+ girlavano ghimbanti nella vaba;
+i borogovi eran tutti mimanti
+ e la moma radeva fuorigraba.
+
+"Figliuolo mio, sta' attento al Gibrovacco,
+ dagli artigli e dal morso lacerante;
+fuggi l'uccello Giuggiolo, e nel sacco
+ metti infine il frumioso Bandifante".
+ -- "The Jabberwock"
+%
+Bringing computers into the home won't change
+either one, but may revitalize the corner saloon.
+%
+Brisk talkers are usually slow thinkers. There is, indeed, no wild beast
+more to be dreaded than a communicative man having nothing to communicate.
+If you are civil to the voluble, they will abuse your patience; if
+brusque, your character.
+ -- Jonathan Swift
+%
+British education is probably the best in the world, if you can survive
+it. If you can't there is nothing left for you but the diplomatic corps.
+ -- Peter Ustinov
+%
+British Israelites:
+ The British Israelites believe the white Anglo-Saxons of Britain to
+be descended from the ten lost tribes of Israel deported by Sargon of Assyria
+on the fall of Sumeria in 721 B.C. ... They further believe that the future
+can be foretold by the measurements of the Great Pyramid, which probably
+means it will be big and yellow and in the hand of the Arabs. They also
+believe that if you sleep with your head under the pillow a fairy will come
+and take all your teeth.
+ -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
+%
+broad-mindedness, n:
+ The result of flattening high-mindedness out.
+%
+Brogan's Constant:
+ People tend to congregate in the back
+ of the church and the front of the bus.
+%
+brokee, n:
+ Someone who buys stocks on the advice of a broker.
+%
+Brooke's Law:
+ Whenever a system becomes completely defined, some damn fool
+ discovers something which either abolishes the system or
+ expands it beyond recognition.
+%
+BS: You remind me of a man.
+B: What man?
+BS: The man with the power.
+B: What power?
+BS: The power of voodoo.
+B: Voodoo?
+BS: You do.
+B: Do what?
+BS: Remind me of a man.
+B: What man?
+BS: The man with the power...
+ -- Cary Grant, "The Bachelor and the Bobby-Soxer"
+%
+Buck-passing usually turns out to be a boomerang.
+%
+Bucy's Law:
+ Nothing is ever accomplished by a reasonable man.
+%
+Bug:
+ An elusive creature living in a program that makes it incorrect.
+ The activity of "debugging," or removing bugs from a program, ends
+ when people get tired of doing it, not when the bugs are removed.
+%
+bug, n:
+ An elusive creature living in a program that makes it incorrect.
+ The activity of "debugging", or removing bugs from a program, ends
+ when people get tired of doing it, not when the bugs are removed.
+ -- "Datamation", January 15, 1984
+%
+Build a system that even a fool can use
+and only a fool will want to use it.
+%
+Building translators is good clean fun.
+ -- T. Cheatham
+%
+Bullwinkle: You just leave that to my pal. He's the brains of the outfit.
+General: What does that make YOU?
+Bullwinkle: What else? An executive.
+%
+Bumper sticker:
+ All the parts falling off this car are
+ of the very finest British manufacture.
+%
+Bunker's Admonition:
+ You cannot buy beer; you can only rent it.
+%
+BURBULATION:
+ The obsessive act of opening and closing a refrigerator door in
+ an attempt to catch it before the automatic light comes on.
+ -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
+%
+Bureau Termination, Law of:
+ When a government bureau is scheduled to be phased out,
+ the number of employees in that bureau will double within
+ 12 months after the decision is made.
+%
+bureaucracy, n:
+ A method for transforming energy into solid waste.
+%
+bureaucrat, n:
+ A politician who has tenure.
+%
+Burke's Postulates:
+ Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.
+ Don't create a problem for which you do not have the answer.
+%
+Burnt Sienna. That's the best thing that ever happened to Crayolas.
+ -- Ken Weaver
+%
+Bus error -- driver executed.
+%
+Bus error -- please leave by the rear door.
+%
+Bushydo -- the way of the shrub. Bonsai!
+%
+Business is a good game -- lots of competition
+and minimum of rules. You keep score with money.
+ -- Nolan Bushnell, founder of Atari
+%
+Business will be either better or worse.
+ -- Calvin Coolidge
+%
+...but as records of courts and justice are admissible, it can easily be
+proved that powerful and malevolent magicians once existed and were a scourge
+to mankind. The evidence (including confession) upon which certain women
+were convicted of witchcraft and executed was without a flaw; it is still
+unimpeachable. The judges' decisions based on it were sound in logic and
+in law. Nothing in any existing court was ever more thoroughly proved than
+the charges of witchcraft and sorcery for which so many suffered death. If
+there were no witches, human testimony and human reason are alike destitute
+of value.
+ -- Ambrose Bierce
+%
+But Captain -- the engines can't take this much longer!
+%
+But, for my own part, it was Greek to me.
+ -- William Shakespeare, "Julius Caesar"
+%
+But has any little atom,
+ While a-sittin' and a-splittin',
+Ever stopped to think or CARE
+ That E = m c**2 ?
+%
+"But Huey, you PROMISED!"
+"Tell 'em I lied."
+%
+But I always fired into the nearest hill or, failing that, into blackness.
+I meant no harm; I just liked the explosions. And I was careful never to
+kill more than I could eat.
+ -- Raoul Duke
+%
+But I don't like Spam!!!!
+%
+"But I don't want to go on the cart..."
+"Oh, don't be such a baby!"
+"But I'm feeling much better..."
+"No you're not... in a moment you'll be stone dead!"
+ -- Monty Python, "The Holy Grail"
+%
+But I find the old notions somehow appealing. Not that I want to go
+back to them -- it is outrageous to have some outer authority tell you
+what is proper use and abuse of your own faculties, and it is ludicrous
+to hold reason higher than body or feeling. Still there is something
+true and profoundly sane about the belief that acts like murder or
+theft or assault violate the doer as well as the done to. We might
+even, if we thought this way, have less crime. The popular view of
+crime, as far as I can deduce it from the movies and television, is
+that it is a breaking of a rule by someone who thinks they can get away
+with that; implicitly, everyone would like to break the rule, but not
+everyone is arrogant enough to imagine they can get away with it. It
+therefore becomes very important for the rule upholders to bring such
+arrogance down.
+ -- Marilyn French, "The Woman's Room"
+%
+But if we laugh with derision, we will never understand. Human
+intellectual capacity has not altered for thousands of years so far as
+we can tell. If intelligent people invested intense energy in issues
+that now seem foolish to us, then the failure lies in our understanding
+of their world, not in their distorted perceptions. Even the standard
+example of ancient nonsense -- the debate about angels on pinheads --
+makes sense once you realize that theologians were not discussing
+whether five or eighteen would fit, but whether a pin could house a
+finite or an infinite number.
+ -- S.J. Gould, "Wide Hats and Narrow Minds"
+%
+But if you wish at once to do nothing and to be respectable
+nowdays, the best pretext is to be at work on some profound study.
+ -- Leslie Stephen, "Sketches from Cambridge"
+%
+But in our enthusiasm, we could not resist a radical overhaul of the
+system, in which all of its major weaknesses have been exposed,
+analyzed, and replaced with new weaknesses.
+ -- Bruce Leverett,
+ "Register Allocation in Optimizing Compilers"
+%
+But it does move!
+ -- Galileo Galilei
+%
+But like the Good Book says... There's BIGGER DEALS to come!
+%
+But, Mousie, thou art no thy lane,
+In proving foresight may be vain:
+The best laid schemes o' mice an' men
+Gang aft a-gley,
+An' lea'e us nought but grief and pain
+For promised joy.
+ -- Robert Burns, "To a Mouse", 1785
+%
+But, officer, he's not drunk, I just saw his fingers twitch!
+%
+But Officer, I stopped for the last one, and it was green!
+%
+But scientists, who ought to know
+Assure us that it must be so.
+Oh, let us never, never doubt
+What nobody is sure about.
+ -- Hilaire Belloc
+%
+But sex and drugs and rock & roll, why, they'd bring our blackest day.
+%
+But since I knew now that I could hope for nothing of greater value than
+frivolous pleasures, what point was there in denying myself of them?
+ -- M. Proust
+%
+But soft you, the fair Ophelia:
+Ope not thy ponderous and marble jaws,
+But get thee to a nunnery -- go!
+ -- Mark "The Bard" Twain
+%
+But these pills can't be habit forming;
+I've been taking them for years.
+%
+But this has taken us far afield from interface, which is not a bad
+place to be, since I particularly want to move ahead to the kludge.
+Why do people have so much trouble understanding the kludge? What
+is a kludge, after all, but not enough K's, not enough ROM's, not
+enough RAM's, poor quality interface and too few bytes to go around?
+Have I explained yet about the bytes?
+%
+But you shall not escape my iambics.
+ -- Gaius Valerius Catullus
+%
+But you who live on dreams, you are better pleased with the sophistical
+reasoning and frauds of talkers about great and uncertain matters than
+those who speak of certain and natural matters, not of such lofty nature.
+ -- Leonardo Da Vinci, "The Codex on the Flight of Birds"
+%
+Buzz off, Banana Nose; Relieve mine eyes
+Of hateful soreness, purge mine ears of corn;
+Less dear than army ants in apple pies
+Art thou, old prune-face, with thy chestnuts worn,
+Dropt from thy peeling lips like lousy fruit;
+Like honeybees upon the perfum'd rose
+They suck, and like the double-breasted suit
+Are out of date; therefore, Banana Nose,
+Go fly a kite, thy welcome's overstayed;
+And stem the produce of thy waspish wits:
+Thy logick, like thy locks, is disarrayed;
+Thy cheer, like thy complexion, is the pits.
+Be off, I say; go bug somebody new,
+Scram, beat it, get thee hence, and nuts to you.
+%
+buzzword, n:
+ The fly in the ointment of computer literacy.
+%
+By doing just a little every day, you can
+gradually let the task completely overwhelm you.
+%
+By failing to prepare, you are preparing to fail.
+%
+By long-standing tradition, I take this opportunity to savage other
+designers in the thin disguise of good, clean fun.
+ -- P.J. Plauger, "Computer Language", 1988, April
+ Fool's column.
+%
+By nature, men are nearly alike;
+by practice, they get to be wide apart.
+ -- Confucius
+%
+By necessity, by proclivity, and by delight, we all quote.
+In fact, it is as difficult to appropriate the thoughts of others
+as it is to invent.
+ -- R. Emerson
+ -- Quoted from a fortune cookie program
+ (whose author claims, "Actually, stealing IS easier.")
+ [to which I reply, "You think it's easy for me to
+ misconstrue all these misquotations?!?" Ed.]
+%
+By perseverance the snail reached the Ark.
+ -- Charles Spurgeon
+%
+By protracting life, we do not deduct one jot from the duration of death.
+ -- Titus Lucretius Carus
+%
+By the time you swear you're his,
+shivering and sighing
+and he vows his passion is
+infinite, undying --
+Lady, make a note of this:
+One of you is lying.
+ -- Dorothy Parker, "Unfortunate Coincidence"
+%
+By the yard, life is hard.
+By the inch, it's a cinch.
+%
+By trying we can easily learn to endure adversity.
+Another man's, I mean.
+ -- Mark Twain
+%
+By working faithfully eight hours a day,
+you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve.
+ -- Robert Frost
+%
+byob, v:
+ Believing Your Own Bull
+%
+Bypasses are devices that allow some people to dash from point A to
+point B very fast while other people dash from point B to point A very
+fast. People living at point C, being a point directly in between, are
+often given to wonder what's so great about point A that so many people
+from point B are so keen to get there and what's so great about point B
+that so many people from point B are so keen to get there. They often
+wish that people would just once and for all work out where the hell
+they wanted to be.
+ -- The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
+%
+BYTE editors are people who separate the wheat from the chaff, and then
+carefully print the chaff.
+%
+Byte your tongue.
+%
+C Code.
+C Code Run.
+Run, Code, RUN!
+ PLEASE!!!!
+%
+C for yourself.
+%
+C++ is the best example of second-system effect since OS/360.
+%
+C makes it easy for you to shoot yourself in the foot. C++ makes that
+harder, but when you do, it blows away your whole leg.
+ -- Bjarne Stroustrup
+%
+C, n:
+ A programming language that is sort of like Pascal except more like
+ assembly except that it isn't very much like either one, or anything
+ else. It is either the best language available to the art today, or
+ it isn't.
+ -- Ray Simard
+%
+cabbage, n:
+ A familiar kitchen-garden vegetable about as large and wise as
+ a man's head.
+ -- Ambrose Bierce
+%
+Cache:
+ A very expensive part of the memory system of a computer that no one
+ is supposed to know is there.
+%
+Cahn's Axiom:
+ When all else fails, read the instructions.
+%
+California is a fine place to live -- if you happen to be an orange.
+ -- Fred Allen
+%
+Californians are a strange people. They'll put every chemical known to God
+and man up their nostrils and then laugh at you for putting sugar in your
+coffee.
+%
+Call on God, but row away from the rocks.
+ -- Indian proverb
+%
+Call things by their right names... Glass of brandy and water! That is the
+current but not the appropriate name: ask for a glass of fire and distilled
+damnation.
+ -- Robert Hall, in Olinthus Gregory's, "Brief Memoir of the
+ Life of Hall"
+
+ [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
+ referring to logical names.]
+%
+Calling J-Man Kink. Calling J-Man Kink. Hash missle sighted, target
+Los Angeles. Disregard personal feelings about city and intercept.
+%
+Calling you stupid is an insult to stupid people!
+ -- Wanda, "A Fish Called Wanda"
+%
+Calm down, it's *only* ones and zeroes.
+%
+Calm down, it's only ones and zeroes,
+Calm down, it's only bits and bytes,
+Calm down, and speak to me in English,
+Please realize that I'm not one of your computerites.
+%
+Calvin: "I wonder where we go when we die."
+Hobbes: "Pittsburgh?"
+Calvin: "You mean if we're good or if we're bad?"
+%
+Calvin Coolidge looks as if he had been weaned on a pickle.
+ -- Alice Roosevelt Longworth
+%
+Calvin Coolidge was the greatest man
+who ever came out of Plymouth Corner, Vermont.
+ -- Clarence Darrow
+%
+Campbell's Law:
+ Nature abhors a vacuous experimenter.
+%
+Campus crusade for Cthulhu -- it found me.
+%
+Can anyone remember when the times
+were not hard, and money not scarce?
+%
+Can anything be sadder than work left unfinished?
+Yes, work never begun.
+%
+Can you buy friendship? You not only can, you must. It's the
+only way to obtain friends. Everything worthwhile has a price.
+ -- Robert J. Ringer
+%
+Canada Bill Jones's Motto:
+ It's morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money.
+
+Canada Bill Jones's Supplement:
+ A Smith and Wesson beats four aces.
+%
+Canada Post doesn't really charge 32 cents for a stamp.
+It's 2 cents for postage and 30 cents for storage.
+ -- Gerald Regan, Cabinet Minister, 12/31/83 Financial Post
+%
+CANCER (June 21 - July 22)
+ This is a good time for those of you who are rich and happy,
+ but a poor time for those of you born under this sign who are
+ poor and unhappy. To tell you the truth, any day is tough
+ when you're poor and unhappy.
+%
+Canonical, adj.:
+ The usual or standard state or manner of something. A true story:
+One Bob Sjoberg, new at the MIT AI Lab, expressed some annoyance at the use
+of jargon. Over his loud objections, we made a point of using jargon as
+much as possible in his presence, and eventually it began to sink in.
+Finally, in one conversation, he used the word "canonical" in jargon-like
+fashion without thinking.
+ Steele: "Aha! We've finally got you talking jargon too!"
+ Stallman: "What did he say?"
+ Steele: "He just used `canonical' in the canonical way."
+%
+Can't act. Slightly bald. Also dances.
+ -- RKO executive, reacting to Fred Astaire's screen test.
+ Cerf/Navasky, "The Experts Speak"
+%
+Can't open /usr/fortunes. Lid stuck on cookie jar.
+%
+Can't open /usr/games/lib/fortunes.dat.
+%
+Capitalism is the extraordinary belief that the nastiest of men, for
+the nastiest of reasons, will somehow work for the benefit of us all.
+ -- John Maynard Keynes
+%
+CAPRICORN (Dec 22 - Jan 19)
+ Play your hunches. This is a day when luck will play an important
+ part in your life. If you were smarter, you wouldn't need so much
+ luck and you wouldn't be reading your horoscope, either. You are
+ a suspicious person, and it will occur to you that astrologers
+ don't know what they're talking about any more than your Aunt Martha.
+%
+CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 to Jan. 19)
+ Follow your instincts. You are much too scatterbrained to do anything
+ else, such as think. Romance is in the air, but not for you, so forget
+ it. That pimple on the end of your nose will get worse.
+%
+CAPRICORN (Dec 23 - Jan 19)
+ You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You don't do
+ much of anything and are lazy. There has never been a Capricorn
+ of any importance. Capricorns should avoid standing still for
+ too long as they tend to take root and become trees.
+%
+Captain Penny's Law:
+ You can fool all of the people some of the time, and
+ some of the people all of the time, but you Can't Fool Mom.
+%
+Captain's Log, star date 21:34.5...
+%
+Carelessly planned projects take three times longer to complete than expected.
+Carefully planned projects take four times longer to complete than expected,
+mostly because the planners expect their planning to reduce the time it
+takes.
+%
+Carney's Law: There's at least a 50-50 chance that someone will print
+the name Craney incorrectly.
+ -- Jim Canrey
+%
+Carob works on the principle that, when mixed with the right combination of
+fats and sugar, it can duplicate chocolate in color and texture. Of course,
+the same can be said of dirt.
+%
+carperpetuation, n:
+ The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string at least a dozen
+ times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting
+ it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.
+ -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
+%
+Carson's Consolation:
+ Nothing is ever a complete failure.
+ It can always be used as a bad example.
+%
+Carson's Observation on Footwear:
+ If the shoe fits, buy the other one too.
+%
+Carswell's Corollary:
+ Whenever man comes up with a better mousetrap,
+ nature invariably comes up with a better mouse.
+%
+Catch a wave and you're sitting on top of the world.
+ -- The Beach Boys
+%
+Catharsis is something I associate with pornography and crossword puzzles.
+ -- Howard Chaykin
+%
+Catproof is an oxymoron, childproof nearly so.
+%
+Cats are intended to teach us that not everything in nature has a function.
+ -- Garrison Keillor
+%
+Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't make eight cats pull
+a sled through the snow.
+%
+Cats, no less liquid than their shadows, offer no angles to the wind.
+%
+Cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education.
+ -- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson"
+%
+Caution: Breathing may be hazardous to your health.
+%
+Caution: Keep out of reach of children.
+%
+CChheecckk yyoouurr dduupplleexx sswwiittcchh..
+%
+CCI Power 6/40: one board, a megabyte of cache, and an attitude...
+%
+Celebrate Hannibal Day this year. Take an elephant to lunch.
+%
+Celestial navigation is based on the premise that the Earth is the center
+of the universe. The premise is wrong, but the navigation works. An
+incorrect model can be a useful tool.
+ -- Kelvin Throop III
+%
+Census Taker to Housewife:
+Did you ever have the measles, and, if so, how many?
+%
+Center meeting at 4pm in 2C-543.
+%
+cerebral atrophy, n:
+ The phenomena which occurs as brain cells become weak and sick, and
+impair the brain's performance. An abundance of these "bad" cells can cause
+symptoms related to senility, apathy, depression, and overall poor academic
+performance. A certain small number of brain cells will deteriorate due to
+everday activity, but large amounts are weakened by intense mental effort
+and the assimilation of difficult concepts. Many college students become
+victims of this dread disorder due to poor habits such as overstudying.
+
+cerebral darwinism, n:
+ The theory that the effects of cerebral atrophy can be reversed
+through the purging action of heavy alcohol consumption. Large amounts of
+alcohol cause many brain cells to perish due to oxygen deprivation. Through
+the process of natural selection, the weak and sick brain cells will die
+first, leaving only the healthy cells. This wonderful process leaves the
+imbiber with a healthier, more vibrant brain, and increases mental capacity.
+Thus, the devastating effects of cerebral atrophy are reversed, and academic
+performance actually increases beyond previous levels.
+%
+Cerebus: I'd love to lick apricot brandy out of your navel.
+Jaka: Look, Cerebus -- Jaka has to tell you... something
+Cerebus: If Cerebus had a navel, would you lick apricot brandy out
+ of it?
+Jaka: Oooh.
+Cerebus: You don't like apricot brandy?
+ -- Cerebus, #6, "The Secret"
+%
+Certain old men prefer to rise at dawn, taking a cold bath and a long
+walk with an empty stomach and otherwise mortifying the flesh. They
+then point with pride to these practices as the cause of their sturdy
+health and ripe years; the truth being that they are hearty and old,
+not because of their habits, but in spite of them. The reason we find
+only robust persons doing this thing is that it has killed all the
+others who have tried it.
+ -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+%
+
+Certain passages in several laws have always defied interpretation and the
+most inexplicable must be a matter of opinion. A judge of the Court of
+Session of Scotland has sent the editors of this book his candidate which
+reads, "In the Nuts (unground), (other than ground nuts) Order, the expression
+nuts shall have reference to such nuts, other than ground nuts, as would
+but for this amending Order not qualify as nuts (unground) (other than ground
+nuts) by reason of their being nuts (unground)."
+ -- Guiness Book of World Records, 1973
+%
+Certainly the game is rigged.
+Don't let that stop you; if you don't bet, you can't win.
+ -- Robert Heinlein, "Time Enough For Love"
+%
+Certainly there are things in life that money can't buy,
+But it's very funny --
+did you ever try buying them without money?
+ -- Ogden Nash
+%
+C'est magnifique, mais ce n'est pas la guerre!
+%
+C'est magnifique, mais ce n'est pas l'Informatique.
+ -- Bosquet [on seeing the IBM 4341]
+%
+CF&C stole it, fair and square.
+ -- Tim Hahn
+%
+Chairman of the Bored.
+%
+Chamberlain's Laws:
+ 1: The big guys always win.
+ 2: Everything tastes more or less like chicken.
+%
+Champagne don't make me lazy. Cocaine don't drive me crazy.
+Ain't nobody's business but my own.
+ -- Taj Mahal
+%
+Chance is perhaps the work of God when He did not want to sign.
+ -- Anatole France
+%
+Change your thoughts and you change your world.
+%
+Changing husbands/wives is only changing troubles.
+ -- Kathleen Norris
+%
+Chaos is King and Magic is loose in the world.
+%
+Chapter 1:
+ The story so far:
+ In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made
+a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.
+%
+Chapter 2: Newtonian Growth and Decay
+
+ The growth-decay formulas were developed in the trivial fashion by
+Isaac Newton's famous brother Phigg. His idea was to provide an equation
+that would describe a quantity that would dwindle and dwindle, but never
+quite reach zero. Historically, he was merely trying to work out his
+mortgage. Another versatile equation also emerged, one which would define
+a function that would continue to grow, but never reach unity. This equation
+can be applied to charging capacitors, over-damped springs, and the human
+race in general.
+%
+character density, n.:
+ The number of very weird people in the office.
+%
+Character is what you are in the dark!
+ -- Lord John Whorfin
+%
+CHARITY:
+ A thing that begins at home and usually stays there.
+%
+Charity begins at home.
+ -- Publius Terentius Afer (Terence)
+%
+Charlie Brown: Why was I put on this earth?
+Linus: To make others happy.
+Charlie Brown: Why were others put on this earth?
+%
+Charlie was a chemist,
+But Charlie is no more.
+What Charlie thought was H2O was H2SO4.
+%
+Charm is a way of getting the answer "Yes" --
+without having asked any clear question.
+%
+Cheap things are of no value, valuable things are not cheap.
+%
+Check me if I'm wrong, Sandy, but if I kill all the golfers...
+they're gonna lock me up and throw away the key!
+%
+checkuary, n:
+ The thirteenth month of the year. Begins New Year's Day and ends
+ when a person stops absentmindedly writing the old year on his checks.
+%
+Cheer Up! Things are getting worse at a slower rate.
+%
+Cheese -- milk's leap toward immortality.
+ -- Clifton Fadiman, "Any Number Can Play"
+%
+Chef, n:
+ Any cook who swears in French.
+%
+Cheit's Lament:
+ If you help a friend in need, he is sure to remember you--
+ the next time he's in need.
+%
+CHEMICALS:
+ Noxious substances from which modern foods are made.
+%
+Chemist who falls in acid is absorbed in work.
+%
+Chemist who falls in acid will be tripping for weeks.
+%
+Chemistry professors never die, they just fail to react.
+%
+Cheops' Law:
+ Nothing ever gets built on schedule or within budget.
+%
+"Cheshire-Puss," she began, "would you tell me, please,
+ which way I ought to go from here?"
+"That depends a good deal on where you want to get to," said the Cat.
+"I don't care much where--" said Alice.
+"Then it doesn't matter which way you go," said the Cat.
+%
+Chess tonight.
+%
+CHICAGO:
+ Where the dead still vote... early and often!
+%
+Chicago Transit Authority Rider's Rule #36:
+ Never ever ask the tough looking gentleman wearing El Rukn
+headgear where he got his "pyramid powered pizza warmer".
+ -- Chicago Reader 3/27/81
+%
+Chicago Transit Authority Rider's Rule #84:
+ The CTA has complimentary pop-up timers available on request
+for overheated passengers. When your timer pops up, the driver will
+cheerfully baste you.
+ -- Chicago Reader 5/28/82
+%
+Chicagoan: "So, where're you from?"
+Hoosier: "What's wrong with Indiana?"
+%
+Chicken Little was right.
+%
+Chicken Soup:
+ An ancient miracle drug containing equal parts of aureomycin,
+ cocaine, interferon, and TLC. The only ailment chicken soup
+ can't cure is neurotic dependence on one's mother.
+ -- Arthur Naiman
+%
+Chihuahuas drive me crazy. I can't stand anything that
+shivers when it's warm.
+%
+Children are like cats, they can tell when you don't like
+them. That's when they come over and violate your body space.
+%
+Children are natural mimics who act like their parents
+despite every effort to teach them good manners.
+%
+Children are unpredictable. You never know what inconsistency they're
+going to catch you in next.
+ -- Franklin P. Jones
+%
+Children aren't happy without something to ignore,
+And that's what parents were created for.
+ -- Ogden Nash
+%
+Children begin by loving their parents. After a time they judge them.
+Rarely, if ever, do they forgive them.
+ -- Oscar Wilde
+%
+Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually
+repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.
+%
+Children's talent to endure stems from their ignorance of alternatives.
+ -- Maya Angelou, "I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings"
+%
+Chinese saying: "He who speak with forked tongue, not need chopsticks."
+%
+Chism's Law of Completion:
+ The amount of time required to complete a government project is
+ precisely equal to the length of time already spent on it.
+%
+Chisolm's First Corollary to Murphy's Second Law:
+ When things just can't possibly get any worse, they will.
+%
+Chocolate Chip.
+%
+Choose in marriage only a woman whom you would choose as
+a friend if she were a man.
+ -- Joubert
+%
+Chorus:
+ Grandma got run over by a reindeer,
+ Walking home from our house Christmas eve.
+ You can say there's no such thing as Santa,
+ But as for me and Grandpa, we believe!
+She'd been drinking too much eggnog,
+And we begged her not to go.
+But she'd forgot her medication, When we found her Christmas morning,
+And she staggered through the door At the scene of the attack.
+ out in the snow. She had hoofprints on her forehead,
+ And incriminating claus-marks on her
+Now we're all so proud of Grandpa, back.
+He's been taking this so well.
+See him in there watching football. I've warned all my friends and
+Drinking beer and playing cards neighbors,
+ with cousin Mel. Better watch out for yourselves!
+ They should never give a license,
+ To a man who drives a sleigh and
+ plays with elves!
+ -- Elmo and Patsy, "Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer"
+%
+Christ died for our sins, so let's not disappoint Him.
+%
+Christianity has not been tried and found wanting; it has been found
+difficult and not tried.
+ -- G.K. Chesterton
+%
+Christianity might be a good thing if anyone ever tried it.
+ -- George Bernard Shaw
+%
+Christmas time is here, by Golly; Kill the turkeys, ducks and chickens;
+Disapproval would be folly; Mix the punch, drag out the Dickens;
+Deck the halls with hunks of holly; Even though the prospect sickens,
+Fill the cup and don't say when... Brother, here we go again.
+
+On Christmas day, you can't get sore; Relations sparing no expense'll,
+Your fellow man you must adore; Send some useless old utensil,
+There's time to rob him all the more, Or a matching pen and pencil,
+The other three hundred and sixty-four! Just the thing I need... how nice.
+
+It doesn't matter how sincere Hark The Herald-Tribune sings,
+It is, nor how heartfelt the spirit; Advertising wondrous things.
+Sentiment will not endear it; God Rest Ye Merry Merchants,
+What's important is... the price. May you make the Yuletide pay.
+ Angels We Have Heard On High,
+Let the raucous sleighbells jingle; Tell us to go out and buy.
+Hail our dear old friend, Kris Kringle, Sooooo...
+Driving his reindeer across the sky,
+Don't stand underneath when they fly by!
+ -- Tom Lehrer
+%
+Churchill's Commentary on Man:
+ Man will occasionally stumble over the truth,
+ but most of the time he will pick himself up and continue on.
+%
+CIGARETTE:
+ A fire at one end, a fool at the other,
+ and a bit of tobacco in between.
+%
+CINEMUCK:
+ The combination of popcorn, soda, and melted chocolate
+ which covers the floors of movie theaters.
+ -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
+%
+Circumstances rule men; men do not rule circumstances.
+ -- Herodotus
+%
+Civilization and profits go hand in hand.
+ -- Calvin Coolidge
+%
+Civilization, as we know it, will end sometime this evening.
+See SYSNOTE tomorrow for more information.
+%
+Civilization is the limitless multiplication of unnecessary necessities.
+ -- Mark Twain
+%
+clairvoyant, n.:
+ A person, commonly a woman, who has the power of seeing that
+which is invisible to her patron -- namely, that he is a blockhead.
+ -- Ambrose Bierce
+%
+Claret is the liquor for boys; port for men; but he who
+aspires to be a hero... must drink brandy.
+ -- Samuel Johnson
+%
+Clarke's Conclusion:
+ Never let your sense of morals interfere with doing the right thing.
+%
+Class, that's the only thing that counts in life. Class.
+Without class and style, a man's a bum; he might as well be dead.
+ -- "Bugsy" Siegel
+%
+Class: when they're running you out of town, to look like you're
+leading the parade.
+ -- Bill Battie
+%
+Classical music is the kind we keep thinking will turn into a tune.
+ -- Kin Hubbard, "Abe Martin's Sayings"
+%
+Clay's Conclusion:
+ Creativity is great, but plagiarism is faster.
+%
+Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling
+the walk before it stops snowing.
+ -- Phyllis Diller
+
+There is no need to do any housework at all. After the first four years
+the dirt doesn't get any worse.
+ -- Quentin Crisp
+%
+Cleanliness becomes more important when godliness is unlikely.
+ -- P.J. O'Rourke
+%
+Cleanliness is next to impossible.
+%
+CLEVELAND:
+ Where their last tornado did six
+ million dollars worth of improvements.
+%
+Cleveland?
+Yes, I spent a week there one day.
+%
+Climate and Surgery
+ R C Gilchrist, who was shot by J Sharp twelve days ago, and who
+received a derringer ball in the right breast, and who it was supposed at
+the time could not live many hours, was on the street yesterday and the
+day before - walking several blocks at a time. To those who design to be
+riddled with bullets or cut to pieces with Bowie-knives, we cordially
+recommend our Sacramento climate and Sacramento surgery.
+ -- Sacramento Daily Union, September 11, 1861
+%
+Climbing onto a bar stool, a piece of string asked for a beer.
+ "Wait a minute. Aren't you a string?"
+ "Well, yes, I am."
+ "Sorry. We don't serve strings here."
+ The determined string left the bar and stopped a passer-by. "Excuse,
+me," it said, "would you shred my ends and tie me up like a pretzel?" The
+passer-by obliged, and the string re-entered the bar. "May I have a beer,
+please?" it asked the bartender.
+ The barkeep set a beer in front of the string, then suddenly stopped.
+"Hey, aren't you the string I just threw out of here?"
+ "No, I'm a frayed knot."
+%
+clone, n:
+ 1. An exact duplicate, as in "our product is a clone of their
+ product." 2. A shoddy, spurious copy, as in "their product
+ is a clone of our product."
+%
+Clones are people two.
+%
+Cloning is the sincerest form of flattery.
+%
+Clothes make the man.
+Naked people have little or no influence on society.
+ -- Mark Twain
+%
+Clovis' Consideration of an Atmospheric Anomaly:
+ The perversity of nature is nowhere better demonstrated
+ than by the fact that, when exposed to the same atmosphere,
+ bread becomes hard while crackers become soft.
+%
+Coach: Can I draw you a beer, Norm?
+Norm: No, I know what they look like. Just pour me one.
+ -- Cheers, No Help Wanted
+
+Coach: How about a beer, Norm?
+Norm: Hey I'm high on life, Coach. Of course, beer is my life.
+ -- Cheers, No Help Wanted
+
+Coach: How's a beer sound, Norm?
+Norm: I dunno. I usually finish them before they get a word in.
+ -- Cheers, Fortune and Men's Weights
+%
+Coach: How's it going, Norm?
+Norm: Daddy's rich and Momma's good lookin'.
+ -- Cheers, Truce or Consequences
+
+Sam: What's up, Norm?
+Norm: My nipples. It's freezing out there.
+ -- Cheers, Coach Returns to Action
+
+Coach: What's the story, Norm?
+Norm: Thirsty guy walks into a bar. You finish it.
+ -- Cheers, Endless Slumper
+%
+Coach: What would you say to a beer, Normie?
+Norm: Daddy wuvs you.
+ -- Cheers, The Mail Goes to Jail
+
+Sam: What'd you like, Normie?
+Norm: A reason to live. Gimme another beer.
+ -- Cheers, Behind Every Great Man
+
+Sam: What will you have, Norm?
+Norm: Well, I'm in a gambling mood, Sammy. I'll take a glass
+ of whatever comes out of that tap.
+Sam: Oh, looks like beer, Norm.
+Norm: Call me Mister Lucky.
+ -- Cheers, The Executive's Executioner
+%
+Coach: What's up, Norm?
+Norm: Corners of my mouth, Coach.
+ -- Cheers, Fortune and Men's Weights
+
+Coach: What's shaking, Norm?
+Norm: All four cheeks and a couple of chins, Coach.
+ -- Cheers, Snow Job
+
+Coach: Beer, Normie?
+Norm: Uh, Coach, I dunno, I had one this week.
+ Eh, why not, I'm still young.
+ -- Cheers, Snow Job
+%
+COBOL:
+ An exercise in Artificial Inelegance.
+%
+COBOL:
+ Completely Over and Beyond reason Or Logic.
+%
+COBOL is for morons.
+ -- Edsger W. Dijkstra
+%
+Cobol programmers are down in the dumps.
+%
+COBOL programs are an exercise in Artificial Inelegance.
+%
+Coding is easy; All you do is sit staring at a
+terminal until the drops of blood form on your forehead.
+%
+Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum --
+I think that I think, therefore I think that I am.
+ -- Ambrose Bierce
+%
+Cohen's Law:
+ There is no bottom to worse.
+%
+Cohn's Law:
+ The more time you spend in reporting on what you are doing, the less
+ time you have to do anything. Stability is achieved when you spend
+ all your time reporting on the nothing you are doing.
+%
+Coincidences are spiritual puns.
+ -- G.K. Chesterton
+%
+COLD:
+ When the politicians walk around
+ with their hands in their own pockets.
+%
+Cold hands, no gloves.
+%
+Cole's Law:
+ Thinly sliced cabbage.
+%
+COLLABORATION:
+ A literary partnership based on the false
+ assumption that the other fellow can spell.
+%
+COLLEGE:
+ The fountains of knowledge, where everyone goes to drink.
+%
+College football is a game which would be much more interesting if the
+faculty played instead of the students, and even more interesting if
+the trustees played. There would be a great increase in broken arms,
+legs, and necks, and simultaneously an appreciable diminution in the
+loss to humanity.
+ -- H.L. Mencken
+%
+COLORADO:
+ Where they don't buy M & M's, 'cause they're so hard to peel.
+%
+Colorless green ideas sleep furiously.
+%
+Column 1 Column 2 Column 3
+
+0. integrated 0. management 0. options
+1. total 1. organizational 1. flexibility
+2. systematized 2. monitored 2. capability
+3. parallel 3. reciprocal 3. mobility
+4. functional 4. digital 4. programming
+5. responsive 5. logistical 5. concept
+6. optional 6. transitional 6. time-phase
+7. synchronized 7. incremental 7. projection
+8. compatible 8. third-generation 8. hardware
+9. balanced 9. policy 9. contingency
+
+ The procedure is simple. Think of any three-digit number, then select
+the corresponding buzzword from each column. For instance, number 257 produces
+"systematized logistical projection," a phrase that can be dropped into
+virtually any report with that ring of decisive, knowledgeable authority. "No
+one will have the remotest idea of what you're talking about," says Broughton,
+"but the important thing is that they're not about to admit it."
+ -- Philip Broughton, "How to Win at Wordsmanship"
+%
+Colvard's Logical Premises:
+ All probabilities are 50%.
+Either a thing will happen or it won't.
+
+Colvard's Unconscionable Commentary:
+ This is especially true when
+ dealing with someone you're attracted to.
+
+Grelb's Commentary:
+ Likelihoods, however, are 90% against you.
+%
+Come, every frustum longs to be a cone,
+And every vector dreams of matrices.
+Hark to the gentle gradient of the breeze:
+It whispers of a more ergodic zone.
+ -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
+%
+Come fill the cup and in the fire of spring
+Your winter garment of repentence fling.
+The bird of time has but a little way
+To flutter -- and the bird is on the wing.
+ -- Omar Khayyam
+%
+Come home America.
+ -- George McGovern, 1972
+%
+Come, landlord, fill the flowing bowl until it does run over,
+Tonight we will all merry be -- tomorrow we'll get sober.
+ -- John Fletcher, "The Bloody Brother", II, 2
+%
+Come, let us hasten to a higher plane,
+Where dyads tread the fairy fields of Venn,
+Their indices bedecked from one to n,
+Commingled in an endless Markov chain!
+ -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
+%
+Come, let us hasten to a higher plane,
+Where dyads tread the fairy fields of Venn,
+Their indices bedecked from one to n,
+Commingled in an endless Markov chain!
+
+Come, every frustum longs to be a cone,
+And every vector dreams of matrices.
+Hark to the gentle gradient of the breeze:
+It whispers of a more ergodic zone.
+
+In Riemann, Hilbert or in Banach space
+Let superscripts and subscripts go their ways.
+Our asymptotes no longer out of phase,
+We shall encounter, counting, face to face.
+ -- The Cyberiad
+%
+Come live with me, and be my love,
+And we will some new pleasures prove
+Of golden sands, and crystal brooks,
+With silken lines, and silver hooks.
+ -- John Donne
+%
+Come live with me and be my love,
+And we will some new pleasures prove
+Of golden sands and crystal brooks
+With silken lines, and silver hooks.
+There's nothing that I wouldn't do
+If you would be my POSSLQ.
+
+You live with me, and I with you,
+And you will be my POSSLQ.
+I'll be your friend and so much more;
+That's what a POSSLQ is for.
+
+And everything we will confess;
+Yes, even to the IRS.
+Some day on what we both may earn,
+Perhaps we'll file a joint return.
+You'll share my pad, my taxes, joint;
+You'll share my life - up to a point!
+And that you'll be so glad to do,
+Because you'll be my POSSLQ.
+%
+Come, muse, let us sing of rats!
+ -- From a poem by James Grainger, 1721-1767
+%
+Come quickly, I am tasting stars!
+ -- Dom Perignon, upon discovering champagne.
+%
+Come, you spirits
+That tend on mortal thoughts, unsex me here,
+And fill me, from the crown to the toe, top-full
+Of direst cruelty! make thick my blood,
+Stop up the access and passage to remorse
+That no compunctious visiting of nature
+Shake my fell purpose, not keep peace between
+The effect and it! Come to my woman's breasts,
+And take my milk for gall, you murdering ministers,
+Wherever in your sightless substances
+You wait on nature's mischief! Come, thick night,
+And pall the in the dunnest smoke of hell,
+That my keen knife see not the wound it makes,
+Nor heaven peep through the blanket of the dark,
+To cry `Hold, hold!'
+ -- Lady MacBeth
+%
+Comedy, like Medicine, was never meant to be practiced by the general public.
+%
+Coming to Stores Near You:
+
+101 Grammatically Correct Popular Tunes Featuring:
+
+ (You Aren't Anything but a) Hound Dog
+ It Doesn't Mean a Thing If It Hasn't Got That Swing
+ I'm Not Misbehaving
+
+And A Whole Lot More...
+%
+Coming together is a beginning;
+ keeping together is progress;
+ working together is success.
+%
+Commit the oldest sins the newest kind of ways.
+ -- William Shakespeare, "Henry IV"
+%
+COMMITMENT:
+ Commitment can be illustrated by a breakfast of ham and eggs.
+ The chicken was involved, the pig was committed.
+%
+Common sense is instinct, and enough of it is genius.
+ -- Josh Billings
+
+Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.
+ -- Albert Einstein
+%
+Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.
+ -- Albert Einstein
+%
+Common sense is the most evenly distributed quantity in the world.
+Everyone thinks he has enough.
+ -- Descartes, 1637
+%
+Commoner's three laws of ecology:
+ 1) No action is without side-effects.
+ 2) Nothing ever goes away.
+ 3) There is no free lunch.
+%
+Communicate! It can't make things any worse.
+%
+Comparing software engineering to classical engineering assumes that software
+has the ability to wear out. Software typically behaves, or it does not. It
+either works, or it does not. Software generally does not degrade, abrade,
+stretch, twist, or ablate. To treat it as a physical entity, therefore, is
+misapplication of our engineering skills. Classical engineering deals with
+the characteristics of hardware; software engineering should deal with the
+characteristics of *software*, and not with hardware or management.
+ -- Dan Klein
+%
+COMPASS [for the CDC-6000 series] is the sort of assembler
+one expects from a corporation whose president codes in octal.
+ -- J.N. Gray
+%
+Competence, like truth, beauty, and contact lenses,
+is in the eye of the beholder.
+ -- Dr. Laurence J. Peter
+%
+Competitive fury is not always anger. It is the true missionary's
+courage and zeal in facing the possibility that one's best may not
+be enough.
+ -- Gene Scott
+%
+COMPLEX SYSTEM:
+ One with real problems and imaginary profits.
+%
+COMPLIMENT:
+ When you say something to another which everyone knows isn't true.
+%
+compuberty, n:
+ The uncomfortable period of emotional and hormonal changes a
+ computer experiences when the operating system is upgraded and
+ a sun4 is put online sharing files.
+%
+COMPUTER:
+ An electronic entity which performs sequences of useful steps in a
+ totally understandable, rigorously logical manner. If you believe
+ this, see me about a bridge I have for sale in Manhattan.
+%
+Computer programmers do it byte by byte.
+%
+Computer programmers never die, they just get lost in the processing.
+%
+Computer programs expand so as to fill the core available.
+%
+COMPUTER SCIENCE:
+ 1) A study akin to numerology and astrology, but lacking the
+ precision of the former and the success of the latter.
+ 2) The protracted value analysis of algorithms.
+ 3) The costly enumeration of the obvious.
+ 4) The boring art of coping with a large number of trivialities.
+ 5) Tautology harnessed in the service of Man at the speed of light.
+ 6) The Post-Turing decline in formal systems theory.
+%
+Computer Science is the only discipline in which we view
+adding a new wing to a building as being maintenance
+ -- Jim Horning
+%
+Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.
+%
+Computers are unreliable, but humans are even more unreliable.
+Any system which depends on human reliability is unreliable.
+ -- Gilb
+%
+Computers are useless. They can only give you answers.
+ -- Pablo Picasso
+%
+Computers don't actually think.
+ You just think they think.
+ (We think.)
+%
+Conceit causes more conversation than wit.
+ -- LaRouchefoucauld
+%
+CONCEPT:
+ Any "idea" for which an outside
+ consultant billed you more than $25,000.
+%
+Conceptual integrity in turn dictates that the design must proceed
+from one mind, or from a very small number of agreeing resonant minds.
+ -- Frederick Brooks Jr., "The Mythical Man Month"
+%
+Condense soup, not books!
+%
+CONFERENCE:
+ A special meeting in which the boss gathers subordinates to hear
+ what they have to say, so long as it doesn't conflict with what
+ he's already decided to do.
+%
+Confess your sins to the Lord and you will be forgiven;
+confess them to man and you will be laughed at.
+ -- Josh Billings
+%
+Confession is good for the soul, but bad for the career.
+%
+Confession is good for the soul only in the sense
+that a tweed coat is good for dandruff.
+ -- Peter de Vries
+%
+Confessions may be good for the soul, but they are bad for
+the reputation.
+ -- Lord Thomas Dewar
+%
+Confidant, confidante, n:
+ One entrusted by A with the secrets of B, confided to himself by C.
+ -- Ambrose Bierce
+%
+Confidence is simply that quiet, assured feeling you have before you
+fall flag on your face.
+ -- Dr. L. Binder
+%
+Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation.
+%
+CONFIRMED BACHELOR:
+ A man who goes through life without a hitch.
+%
+Conflicting research paradigms
+Have legitimized various crimes.
+ The worst we can see
+ Is in psychology,
+Measuring reaction times.
+%
+Conformity is the refuge of the unimaginative.
+%
+Confucius say too damn much!
+%
+Confucius say too much.
+ -- Recent Chinese Proverb
+%
+Confusion will be my epitaph
+as I walk a cracked and broken path
+If we make it we can all sit back and laugh
+but I fear that tomorrow we'll be crying.
+ -- King Crimson, "In the Court of the Crimson King"
+%
+Congratulations! You are the one-millionth user to log into our system.
+If there's anything special we can do for you, anything at all, don't
+hesitate to ask!
+%
+Congratulations! You have purchased an extremely fine device that would
+give you thousands of years of trouble-free service, except that you
+undoubtably will destroy it via some typical bonehead consumer maneuver.
+Which is why we ask you to PLEASE FOR GOD'S SAKE READ THIS OWNER'S MANUAL
+CAREFULLY BEFORE YOU UNPACK THE DEVICE. YOU ALREADY UNPACKED IT, DIDN'T
+YOU? YOU UNPACKED IT AND PLUGGED IT IN AND TURNED IT ON AND FIDDLED WITH
+THE KNOBS, AND NOW YOUR CHILD, THE SAME CHILD WHO ONCE SHOVED A POLISH
+SAUSAGE INTO YOUR VIDEOCASSETTE RECORDER AND SET IT ON "FAST FORWARD", THIS
+CHILD ALSO IS FIDDLING WITH THE KNOBS, RIGHT? AND YOU'RE JUST NOW STARTING
+TO READ THE INSTRUCTIONS, RIGHT??? WE MIGHT AS WELL JUST BREAK THESE DEVICES
+RIGHT AT THE FACTORY BEFORE WE SHIP THEM OUT, YOU KNOW THAT?
+ -- Dave Barry
+%
+Congratulations are in order for Tom Reid.
+
+He says he just found out he is the winner of the 2021 Psychic of the
+Year award.
+%
+Conjecture: All odd numbers are prime.
+
+ Mathematician's Proof:
+ 3 is prime. 5 is prime. 7 is prime. By induction, all
+ odd numbers are prime.
+ Physicist's Proof:
+ 3 is prime. 5 is prime. 7 is prime. 9 is experimental
+ error. 11 is prime. 13 is prime ...
+ Engineer's Proof:
+ 3 is prime. 5 is prime. 7 is prime. 9 is prime.
+ 11 is prime. 13 is prime ...
+ Computer Scientists's Proof:
+ 3 is prime. 3 is prime. 3 is prime. 3 is prime...
+%
+Conquering Russia should be done steppe by steppe.
+%
+Conscience doth make cowards of us all.
+ -- Shakespeare
+%
+Conscience is defined as the thing that hurts
+when everything else feels great.
+%
+Conscience is the inner voice that warns us somebody may be looking.
+ -- H.L. Mencken, "A Mencken Chrestomathy"
+%
+Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good.
+%
+CONSENT DECREE:
+ A document in which a hapless company consents never to commit
+ in the future whatever heinous violations of Federal law it
+ never admitted to in the first place.
+%
+Conservative:
+ One who admires radicals centuries after they're dead.
+ -- Leo C. Rosten
+%
+Conservative, n:
+ A statesman who is enamored of existing evils, as distinguished
+ from the Liberal who wishes to replace them with others.
+ -- Ambrose Bierce
+%
+"Consider a spherical bear, in simple harmonic motion..."
+ -- Professor in the UCB physics department
+%
+Consider the following axioms carefully:
+ "Everything's better when it sits on a Ritz."
+ and
+ "Everything's better with Blue Bonnet on it."
+What happens if one spreads Blue Bonnet margarine on a Ritz cracker? The
+thought is frightening. Is this how God came into being? Try not to
+consider the fact that "Things go better with Coke".
+%
+Consider the little mouse, how sagacious an animal
+it is which never entrusts its life to one hole only.
+ -- Titus Maccius Plautus
+%
+Consider the postage stamp: its usefulness consists in
+the ability to stick to one thing till it gets there.
+ -- Josh Billings
+%
+CONSULTANT:
+ (1) Someone you pay to take the watch off your wrist and tell
+ you what time it is. (2) (For resume use) The working title
+ of anyone who doesn't currently hold a job. Motto: Have
+ Calculator, Will Travel.
+%
+CONSULTANT:
+ An ordinary man a long way from home.
+%
+CONSULTANT:
+ [From con "to defraud, dupe, swindle," or, possibly, French con
+ (vulgar) "a person of little merit" + sult elliptical form of
+ "insult."] A tipster disguised as an oracle, especially one who
+ has learned to decamp at high speed in spite of a large briefcase
+ and heavy wallet.
+%
+CONSULTANT:
+ Someone who'd rather climb a tree and tell a
+ lie than stand on the ground and tell the truth.
+%
+Consultants are mystical people who ask a
+company for a number and then give it back to them.
+%
+CONSULTATION:
+ Medical term meaning "to share the wealth."
+%
+Contemporary American feminism's simplistic psychology is illustrated by
+the new cliche of the date-rape furor: "`No' always means `no'." Will
+we ever graduate from the Girl Scouts? "No" has always been, and always
+will be, part of the dangerous alluring courtship ritual of sex and
+seduction, observable even in the animal kingdom.
+ -- Camille Paglia, NY Times, Dec. 14 1990, Op Ed.
+%
+"Contrariwise," continued Tweedledee, "if it was so, it might be, and
+if it were so, it would be; but as it isn't, it ain't. That's logic!"
+ -- Lewis Carroll
+%
+Convention is the ruler of all.
+ -- Pindar
+%
+CONVERSATION:
+ A vocal competition in which the one who
+ is catching his breath is called the listener.
+%
+Conversation enriches the understanding,
+but solitude is the school of genius.
+%
+Conway's Law:
+ In any organization there will always be one person who knows
+ what is going on.
+
+ This person must be fired.
+%
+Cops never say good-bye. They're always hoping to see you again in the
+line-up.
+ -- Raymond Chandler
+%
+COPYING MACHINE:
+ A device that shreds paper, flashes mysteriously coded messages,
+ and makes duplicates for everyone in the office who isn't
+ interested in reading them.
+%
+Coronation, n:
+ The ceremony of investing a sovereign with the outward and visible
+ signs of his divine right to be blown skyhigh with a dynamite bomb.
+ -- Ambrose Bierce
+%
+Correction does much, but encouragement does more.
+ -- Goethe
+%
+Correspondence Corollary:
+ An experiment may be considered a success if no more than half
+ your data must be discarded to obtain correspondence with your theory.
+%
+CORRUPT:
+ In politics, holding an office of trust or profit.
+%
+Corrupt, stupid grasping functionaries will make at least as big a muddle
+of socialism as stupid, selfish and acquisitive employers can make of
+capitalism.
+ -- Walter Lippmann
+%
+Corruption is not the No. 1 priority of the Police Commissioner.
+His job is to enforce the law and fight crime.
+ -- P.B.A. President E.J. Kiernan
+%
+Corry's Law:
+ Paper is always strongest at the perforations.
+%
+Couldn't we jury-rig the cat to act as an audio switch, and have it yell
+at people to save their core images before logging them out? I'm sure
+the cattle prod would be effective in this regard. In any case, a traverse
+mounted iguana, while more perverted, gives better traction, not to mention
+being easier to stake.
+%
+Counting in binary is just like counting
+in decimal -- if you are all thumbs.
+ -- Glaser and Way
+%
+Counting in octal is just like counting
+in decimal -- if you don't use your thumbs.
+ -- Tom Lehrer
+%
+Courage is fear that has said its prayers.
+%
+Courage is grace under pressure.
+%
+Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear -- not absence of fear.
+ -- Mark Twain
+%
+Courage is your greatest present need.
+%
+court, n.:
+ A place where they dispense with justice.
+ -- Arthur Train
+%
+Courtship to marriage, as a very witty prologue to a very dull play.
+ -- William Congreve
+%
+COWARD:
+ One who in a perilous emergency thinks with his legs.
+%
+[Crash programs] fail because they are based on the theory that,
+with nine women pregnant, you can get a baby a month.
+ -- Wernher von Braun
+%
+Crazee Edeee, his prices are INSANE!!!
+%
+Creating computer software is always a demanding and painstaking
+process -- an exercise in logic, clear expression, and almost fanatical
+attention to detail. It requires intelligence, dedication, and an
+enormous amount of hard work. But, a certain amount of unpredictable
+and often unrepeatable inspiration is what usually makes the difference
+between adequacy and excellence.
+%
+Creativity in living is not without its attendant difficulties, for
+peculiarity breeds contempt. And the unfortunate thing about being
+ahead of your time when people finally realize you were right, they'll
+say it was obvious all along.
+ -- Alan Ashley-Pitt
+%
+Creativity is no substitute for knowing what you are doing.
+%
+Creativity is not always bred in an environment of tranquility;
+sometimes you have to squeeze a little to get the paste out of the tube.
+%
+Credit ... is the only enduring testimonial to man's confidence in man.
+ -- James Blish
+%
+CREDITOR:
+ A man who has a better memory than a debtor.
+%
+Crenna's Law of Political Accountability:
+ If you are the first to know about something bad,
+ you are going to be held responsible for acting on it,
+ regardless of your formal duties.
+%
+Crime does not pay... as well as politics.
+ -- A.E. Newman
+%
+CRITIC:
+ A person who boasts himself hard to please
+ because nobody tries to please him.
+%
+critic, n.:
+ A person who boasts himself hard to please because nobody tries
+ to please him.
+ -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+%
+Criticism comes easier than craftsmanship.
+ -- Zeuxis
+%
+Critics are like eunuchs in a harem: they know how it's done, they've
+seen it done every day, but they're unable to do it themselves.
+ -- Brendan Behan
+%
+Crito, I owe a cock to Asclepius; will you remember to pay the debt?
+ -- Socrates' last words
+%
+Croll's Query:
+ If tin whistles are made of tin, what are foghorns made of?
+%
+Cropp's Law:
+ The amount of work done varies inversly
+ with the time spent in the office.
+%
+Crucifixes are sexy because there's a naked man on them.
+ -- Madonna
+%
+Cruickshank's Law of Committees:
+ If a committee is allowed to discuss a bad idea long enough, it
+ will inevitably decide to implement the idea simply because so
+ much work has already been done on it.
+%
+Crusade for Cthulu! It Found ME!
+%
+Crush! Kill! Destroy!
+%
+Cthulhu Cthucks!
+%
+Cthulhu for President!
+ (If you're tired of choosing the lesser of two evils.)
+%
+Cthulhu Saves -- in case He's hungry later.
+%
+Culture is the habit of being pleased with the best and knowing why.
+%
+Cure the disease and kill the patient.
+ -- Francis Bacon
+%
+CURSOR:
+ One whose program will not run.
+ -- Robb Russon
+%
+curtation n. The enforced compression of a string in the fixed-length field
+environment.
+ The problem of fitting extremely variable-length strings such as names,
+addresses, and item descriptions into fixed-length records is no trivial
+matter. Neglect of the subtle art of curtation has probably alienated more
+people than any other aspect of data processing. You order Mozart's "Don
+Giovanni" from your record club, and they invoice you $24.95 for MOZ DONG.
+The witless mapping of the sublime onto the ridiculous! Equally puzzling is
+the curtation that produces the same eight characters, THE BEST, whether you
+order "The Best of Wagner", "The Best of Schubert", or "The Best of the Turds".
+Similarly, wine lovers buying from computerized wineries twirl their glasses,
+check their delivery notes, and inform their friends, "A rather innocent,
+possibly overtruncated CAB SAUV 69 TAL." The squeezing of fruit into 10
+columns has yielded such memorable obscenities as COX OR PIP. The examples
+cited are real, and the curtational methodology which produced them is still
+with us.
+
+MOZ DONG n.
+ Curtation of Don Giovanni by Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart and Lorenzo da
+Ponte, as performed by the computerized billing ensemble of the Internat'l
+Preview Society, Great Neck (sic), N.Y.
+ -- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary"
+%
+Custer committed Siouxicide.
+%
+Cut a man's hand when you fight him. He'll freeze, fascinated by the sight
+of his own blood. That's when you stick him in the throat.
+ -- Gerry Youghkins
+
+If you look rather casual with the knife when you flick it open, people
+don't like it.
+ -- Gerry Youghkins
+%
+Cutler Webster's Law:
+ There are two sides to every argument, unless a person
+ is personally involved, in which case there is only one.
+%
+Cutting the space budget really restores my faith in humanity. It
+eliminates dreams, goals, and ideals and lets us get straight to the
+business of hate, debauchery, and self-annihilation."
+ -- Johnny Hart
+%
+CYNIC:
+ Experienced.
+%
+CYNIC:
+ One who looks through rose-colored glasses with a jaundiced eye.
+%
+Cynic, n:
+ A blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are,
+ not as they ought to be. Hence the custom among the
+ Scythians of plucking out a cynic's eyes to improve his vision.
+ -- Ambrose Bierce
+%
+Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why
+several of us died of tuberculosis.
+ -- Jack Handey
+%
+DALLAS:
+ The city that chose Astroturf to
+ keep the cheerleaders from grazing.
+%
+Dallas still lives. God MUST be dead.
+%
+Dammit Jim, I'm an actor not a doctor.
+%
+"Dammit, man, that's unprofessional! A good bartender laughs anyway!"
+%
+Damn braces.
+ -- William Blake, "Proverbs of Hell"
+%
+Damn, I need a Coke!
+ -- Dr. William DeVries
+ [after implanting the first artificial human heart]
+%
+DAMN IT, I GOTTA GET OUTTA HERE!
+%
+Dark and lonely on a summer night
+ Kill my landlord,
+ Kill my landlord.
+The watchdog barkin'
+Do he bite?
+ Kill my landlord,
+ Kill my landlord.
+Slip in his window.
+Break his neck.
+Then his house I start to wreck
+Got no reason,
+What the heck?
+ Kill my landlord,
+ Kill my landlord.
+ C-I-L-L my landlord!
+ -- "Images" by Tyrone Green, SNL
+%
+Darling: the popular form of address used in speaking to a member of the
+opposite sex whose name you cannot at the moment remember.
+ -- Oliver Herford
+%
+Darth Vader! Only you would be so bold!
+ -- Princess Leia Organa
+%
+Darth Vader sleeps with a Teddywookie.
+%
+DATA:
+ An accrual of straws on the backs of theories.
+%
+DATA:
+ Computerspeak for "information". Properly pronounced
+ the way Bostonians pronounce the word for a female child.
+%
+David Letterman's "Things we can be proud of as Americans":
+
+ * Greatest number of citizens who have actually boarded a UFO
+ * Many newspapers feature "JUMBLE"
+ * Hourly motel rates
+ * Vast majority of Elvis movies made here
+ * Didn't just give up right away during World War II
+ like some countries we could mention
+ * Goatees & Van Dykes thought to be worn only by weenies
+ * Our well-behaved golf professionals
+ * Fabulous babes coast to coast
+%
+Davis' Law of Traffic Density:
+ The density of rush-hour traffic is directly proportional to
+ 1.5 times the amount of extra time you allow to arrive on time.
+%
+Davis's Dictum:
+ Problems that go away by themselves, come back by themselves.
+%
+DAWN:
+ The time when men of reason go to bed.
+%
+Day of inquiry. You will be subpoenaed.
+%
+DEADWOOD:
+ Anyone in your company who is more senior than you are.
+%
+Dealing with failure is easy:
+ Work hard to improve.
+Success is also easy to handle:
+ You've solved the wrong problem. Work hard to improve.
+%
+Dealing with failure is easy: work hard to improve.
+Success is also easy to handle: you've solved the wrong problem. Work
+hard to improve.
+%
+Dealing with the problem of pure staff accumulation,
+all our researches ... point to an average increase of 5.75% per year.
+ -- C.N. Parkinson
+%
+Dear Emily:
+ How can I choose what groups to post in?
+ -- Confused
+
+Dear Confused:
+ Pick as many as you can, so that you get the widest audience. After
+all, the net exists to give you an audience. Ignore those who suggest you
+should only use groups where you think the article is highly appropriate.
+Pick all groups where anybody might even be slightly interested.
+ Always make sure followups go to all the groups. In the rare event
+that you post a followup which contains something original, make sure you
+expand the list of groups. Never include a "Followup-to:" line in the
+header, since some people might miss part of the valuable discussion in
+the fringe groups.
+ -- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette
+%
+Dear Emily:
+ I collected replies to an article I wrote, and now it's time to
+summarize. What should I do?
+ -- Editor
+
+Dear Editor:
+ Simply concatenate all the articles together into a big file and post
+that. On USENET, this is known as a summary. It lets people read all the
+replies without annoying newsreaders getting in the way. Do the same when
+summarizing a vote.
+ -- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette
+%
+Dear Emily:
+ I recently read an article that said, "reply by mail, I'll summarize."
+What should I do?
+ -- Doubtful
+
+Dear Doubtful:
+ Post your response to the whole net. That request applies only to
+dumb people who don't have something interesting to say. Your postings are
+much more worthwhile than other people's, so it would be a waste to reply by
+mail.
+ -- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette
+%
+Dear Emily:
+ I saw a long article that I wish to rebut carefully, what should
+I do?
+ -- Angry
+
+Dear Angry:
+ Include the entire text with your article, and include your comments
+between the lines. Be sure to post, and not mail, even though your article
+looks like a reply to the original. Everybody *loves* to read those long
+point-by-point debates, especially when they evolve into name-calling and
+lots of "Is too!" -- "Is not!" -- "Is too, twizot!" exchanges.
+ -- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette
+%
+Dear Emily:
+ I'm having a serious disagreement with somebody on the net. I
+tried complaints to his sysadmin, organizing mail campaigns, called for
+his removal from the net and phoning his employer to get him fired.
+Everybody laughed at me. What can I do?
+ -- A Concerned Citizen
+
+Dear Concerned:
+ Go to the daily papers. Most modern reporters are top-notch computer
+experts who will understand the net, and your problems, perfectly. They
+will print careful, reasoned stories without any errors at all, and surely
+represent the situation properly to the public. The public will also all
+act wisely, as they are also fully cognizant of the subtle nature of net
+society.
+ Papers never sensationalize or distort, so be sure to point out things
+like racism and sexism wherever they might exist. Be sure as well that they
+understand that all things on the net, particularly insults, are meant
+literally. Link what transpires on the net to the causes of the Holocaust, if
+possible. If regular papers won't take the story, go to a tabloid paper --
+they are always interested in good stories.
+%
+Dear Emily:
+ I'm still confused as to what groups articles should be posted
+to. How about an example?
+ -- Still Confused
+
+Dear Still:
+ Ok. Let's say you want to report that Gretzky has been traded from
+the Oilers to the Kings. Now right away you might think rec.sport.hockey
+would be enough. WRONG. Many more people might be interested. This is a
+big trade! Since it's a NEWS article, it belongs in the news.* hierarchy
+as well. If you are a news admin, or there is one on your machine, try
+news.admin. If not, use news.misc.
+ The Oilers are probably interested in geology, so try sci.physics.
+He is a big star, so post to sci.astro, and sci.space because they are also
+interested in stars. Next, his name is Polish sounding. So post to
+soc.culture.polish. But that group doesn't exist, so cross-post to
+news.groups suggesting it should be created. With this many groups of
+interest, your article will be quite bizarre, so post to talk.bizarre as
+well. (And post to comp.std.mumps, since they hardly get any articles
+there, and a "comp" group will propagate your article further.)
+ You may also find it is more fun to post the article once in each
+group. If you list all the newsgroups in the same article, some newsreaders
+will only show the article to the reader once! Don't tolerate this.
+ -- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette
+%
+Dear Emily:
+ Today I posted an article and forgot to include my signature.
+What should I do?
+ -- Forgetful
+
+Dear Forgetful:
+ Rush to your terminal right away and post an article that says,
+"Oops, I forgot to post my signature with that last article. Here
+it is."
+ Since most people will have forgotten your earlier article,
+(particularly since it dared to be so boring as to not have a nice, juicy
+signature) this will remind them of it. Besides, people care much more
+about the signature anyway.
+ -- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette
+%
+Dear Emily, what about test messages?
+ -- Concerned
+
+Dear Concerned:
+ It is important, when testing, to test the entire net. Never test
+merely a subnet distribution when the whole net can be done. Also put "please
+ignore" on your test messages, since we all know that everybody always skips
+a message with a line like that. Don't use a subject like "My sex is female
+but I demand to be addressed as male." because such articles are read in depth
+by all USEnauts.
+ -- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette
+%
+Dear Freshman,
+ You don't know who I am and frankly shouldn't care, but
+unknown to you we have something in common. We are both rather
+prone to mistakes. I was elected Student Government President by
+mistake, and you came to school here by mistake.
+%
+Dear Lord:
+ I just want a one-armed manager so I
+ never have to hear "On the other hand", again.
+%
+Dear Lord: Please make my words sweet and tender, for tomorrow I may
+have to eat them.
+%
+Dear Miss Manners:
+ My home economics teacher says that one must never place one's
+elbows on the table. However, I have read that one elbow, in between
+courses, is all right. Which is correct?
+
+Gentle Reader:
+ For the purpose of answering examinations in your home
+economics class, your teacher is correct. Catching on to this principle
+of education may be of even greater importance to you now than learning
+correct current table manners, vital as Miss Manners believes that is.
+%
+Dear Miss Manners:
+I carry a big black umbrella, even if there's just a thirty percent chance of
+rain. May I ask a young lady who is a stranger to me to share its protection?
+This morning, I was waiting for a bus in comparative comfort, my umbrella
+protecting me from the downpour, and noticed an attractive young woman getting
+soaked. I have often seen her at my bus stop, although we have never spoken,
+and I don't even know her name. Could I have asked her to get under my
+umbrella without seeming insulting?
+
+Gentle Reader:
+Certainly. Consideration for those less fortunate than you is always proper,
+although it would be more convincing if you stopped babbling about how
+attractive she is. In order not to give Good Samaritanism a bad name, Miss
+Manners asks you to allow her two or three rainy days of unmolested protection
+before making your attack.
+%
+Dear Mister Language Person: I am curious about the expression, "Part of
+this complete breakfast". The way it comes up is, my 5-year-old will be
+watching TV cartoon shows in the morning, and they'll show a commercial for
+a children's compressed breakfast compound such as "Froot Loops" or "Lucky
+Charms", and they always show it sitting on a table next to some actual food
+such as eggs, and the announcer always says: "Part of this complete
+breakfast". Doesn't that really mean, "Adjacent to this complete breakfast",
+or "On the same table as this complete breakfast"? And couldn't they make
+essentially the same claim if, instead of Froot Loops, they put a can of
+shaving cream there, or a dead bat?
+
+Answer: Yes.
+ -- Dave Barry
+%
+Dear Mister Language Person: What is the purpose of the apostrophe?
+
+Answer: The apostrophe is used mainly in hand-lettered small business signs
+to alert the reader than an "S" is coming up at the end of a word, as in:
+WE DO NOT EXCEPT PERSONAL CHECK'S, or: NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR ANY ITEM'S.
+Another important grammar concept to bear in mind when creating hand- lettered
+small-business signs is that you should put quotation marks around random
+words for decoration, as in "TRY" OUR HOT DOG'S, or even TRY "OUR" HOT DOG'S.
+ -- Dave Barry, "Tips for Writer's"
+%
+Dear Ms. Postnews:
+ I couldn't get mail through to somebody on another site. What
+ should I do?
+ -- Eager Beaver
+
+Dear Eager:
+ No problem, just post your message to a group that a lot of people
+read. Say, "This is for John Smith. I couldn't get mail through so I'm
+posting it. All others please ignore."
+ This way tens of thousands of people will spend a few seconds scanning
+over and ignoring your article, using up over 16 man-hours their collective
+time, but you will be saved the terrible trouble of checking through usenet
+maps or looking for alternate routes. Just think, if you couldn't distribute
+your message to 9000 other computers, you might actually have to (gasp) call
+directory assistance for 60 cents, or even phone the person. This can cost
+as much as a few DOLLARS (!) for a 5 minute call!
+ And certainly it's better to spend 10 to 20 dollars of other people's
+money distributing the message than for you to have to waste $9 on an overnight
+letter, or even 25 cents on a stamp!
+ Don't forget. The world will end if your message doesn't get through,
+so post it as many places as you can.
+ -- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette
+%
+Dear Sir,
+ I am firmly opposed to the spread of microchips either to the home or
+to the office, We have more than enough of them foisted upon us in public
+places. They are a disgusting Americanism, and can only result in the farmers
+being forced to grow smaller potatoes, which in turn will cause massive un-
+employment in the already severely depressed agricultural industry.
+ Yours faithfully,
+ Capt. Quinton D'Arcy, J.P.
+ Sevenoaks
+ -- Letters To The Editor, The Times of London
+%
+DEATH:
+ To stop sinning suddenly.
+ -- Elbert Hubbard
+%
+Death before dishonor.
+But neither before breakfast.
+%
+Death comes on every passing breeze,
+He lurks in every flower;
+Each season has its own disease,
+Its peril -- every hour.
+ --Reginald Heber
+%
+Death has been proven to be 99% fatal in laboratory rats.
+%
+Death is a spirit leaving a body, sort
+of like a shell leaving the nut behind.
+ -- Erma Bombeck
+%
+Death is God's way of telling you not to be such a wise guy.
+%
+Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired.
+ -- R. Geis
+%
+Death is Nature's way of recycling human beings.
+%
+Death is nature's way of saying `Howdy'.
+%
+Death is nature's way of telling you to slow down.
+%
+Death rays don't kill people, people kill people!!
+%
+DEATH WISH:
+ The only wish that always comes true, whether or not one wishes it to.
+%
+Debug is human, de-fix divine.
+%
+DEC diagnostics would run on a dead whale.
+ -- Mel Ferentz
+%
+Decemba, n: The 12th month of the year.
+erra, n: A mistake.
+faa, n: To, from, or at considerable distance.
+Linder, n: A female name.
+memba, n: To recall to the mind; think of again.
+New Hampsha, n: A state in the northeast United States.
+New Yaak, n: Another state in the northeast United States.
+Novemba, n: The 11th month of the year.
+Octoba, n: The 10th month of the year.
+ova, n: Location above or across a specified position. What the
+ season is when the Knicks quit playing.
+ -- Massachewsetts Unabridged Dictionary
+%
+DECISIONMAKER:
+ The person in your office who was unable
+ to form a task force before the music stopped.
+%
+Decisions of the judges will be final unless shouted down by a really over-
+whelming majority of the crowd present. Abusive and obscene language may
+not be used by contestants when addressing members of the judging panel,
+or, conversely, by members of the judging panel when addressing contestants
+(unless struck by a boomerang).
+ -- Mudgeeraba Creek Emu-Riding and Boomerang-Throwing Assoc.
+%
+Declared guilty... of displaying feelings of an almost human nature.
+ -- Pink Floyd, "The Wall"
+%
+Decorate your home. It gives the illusion
+that your life is more interesting than it really is.
+ -- C. Schultz
+%
+"Deep" is a word like "theory" or "semantic" -- it implies all sorts of
+marvelous things. It's one thing to be able to say "I've got a theory",
+quite another to say "I've got a semantic theory", but, ah, those who can
+claim "I've got a deep semantic theory", they are truly blessed.
+ -- Randy Davis
+%
+DEFAULT:
+ The hardware's, of course.
+%
+Defeat is worse than death because you have to live with defeat.
+ -- Bill Musselman
+%
+#define BITCOUNT(x) (((BX_(x)+(BX_(x)>>4)) & 0x0F0F0F0F) % 255)
+#define BX_(x) ((x) - (((x)>>1)&0x77777777) \
+ - (((x)>>2)&0x33333333) \
+ - (((x)>>3)&0x11111111))
+
+-- Count the number of bits in a word.
+%
+Deflector shields just came on, Captain.
+%
+(defun NF (a c)
+ (cond ((null c) () )
+ ((atom (car c))
+ (append (list (eval (list 'getchar (list (car c) 'a) (cadr c))))
+ (nf a (cddr c))))
+ (t (append (list (implode (nf a (car c)))) (nf a (cdr c))))))
+
+(defun AD (want-job challenging boston-area)
+ (cond
+ ((or (not (equal want-job 'yes))
+ (not (equal boston-area 'yes))
+ (lessp challenging 7)) () )
+ (t (append (nf (get 'ad 'expr)
+ '((caaddr 1 caadr 2 car 1 car 1)
+ (car 5 cadadr 9 cadadr 8 cadadr 9 caadr 4 car 2 car 1)
+ (car 2 caadr 4)))
+ (list '851-5071x2661)))))
+;;; We are an affirmative action employer.
+%
+DEJA VU:
+ French., already seen; unoriginal; trite.
+ Psychol., The illusion of having previously experienced
+ something actually being encountered for the first time.
+ Psychol., The illusion of having previously experienced
+ something actually being encountered for the first time.
+%
+Delay is preferable to error.
+ -- Thomas Jefferson
+%
+Delay not, Caesar. Read it instantly.
+ -- Shakespeare, "Julius Caesar" 3,1
+
+Here is a letter, read it at your leisure.
+ -- Shakespeare, "Merchant of Venice" 5,1
+
+ [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
+ referring to I/O system services.]
+%
+Deliberate provocation of mystical experience, particularly by LSD and
+related hallucinogens, in contrast to spontaneous visionary experiences,
+entails dangers that must not be underestimated. Practitioners must take
+into account the peculiar effects of these substances, namely their ability
+to influence our consciousness, the innermost essence of our being. The
+history of LSD to date amply demonstrates the catastrophic consequences that
+can ensue when its profound effect is misjudged and the substance is mistaken
+for a pleasure drug. Special internal and external advance preparations
+are required; with them, an LSD experiment can become a meaningful experience.
+ -- Dr. Albert Hoffman, the discoverer of LSD
+
+I believe that if people would learn to use LSD's vision-inducing capability
+more wisely, under suitable conditions, in medical practice and in conjunction
+with meditation, then in the future this problem child could become a wonder
+child.
+ -- Dr. Albert Hoffman
+%
+DELIBERATION:
+ The act of examining one's bread
+ to determine which side it is buttered on.
+%
+Deliver yesterday, code today, think tomorrow.
+%
+Delores breezed along the surface of her life like a flat stone forever
+skipping along smooth water, rippling reality sporadically but oblivious
+to it consistently, until she finally lost momentum, sank, and due to an
+overdose of flouride as a child which caused her to suffer from chronic
+apathy, doomed herself to lie forever on the floor of her life as useless
+as an appendix and as lonely as a five-hundred pound barbell in a
+steroid-free fitness center.
+ -- Winning sentence, 1990 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest.
+%
+Delusions are often functional. A mother's opinions about
+her children's beauty, intelligence, goodness, et cetera ad
+nauseam, keep her from drowning them at birth.
+%
+Democracy becomes a government of bullies, tempered by editors.
+ -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
+%
+Democracy is a form of government in which it is permitted to wonder
+aloud what the country could do under first-class management.
+ -- Senator Soaper
+%
+Democracy is a form of government that substitutes election by the
+incompetent many for appointment by the corrupt few.
+ -- G.B. Shaw
+%
+Democracy is a process by which the people are free to choose the man who
+will get the blame.
+ -- Laurence J. Peter
+%
+Democracy is also a form of worship.
+It is the worship of Jackals by Jackasses.
+ -- H.L. Mencken
+%
+Democracy is the name we give the people whenever we need them.
+ -- Arman de Caillavet, 1913
+%
+Democracy is the recurrent suspicion that more than half
+of the people are right more than half of the time.
+ -- E.B. White
+%
+Democracy is the theory that the common people know what they want, and
+deserve to get it good and hard.
+ -- H.L. Mencken, "Little Book in C major", 1916
+%
+Democracy is the worst form of government except all those other
+forms that have been tried from time to time.
+ -- Winston Churchill
+%
+Democracy, n:
+ A government of the masses. Authority derived through mass meeting
+or any other form of direct expression. Results in mobocracy. Attitude
+toward property is communistic... negating property rights. Attitude toward
+law is that the will of the majority shall regulate, whether it is based
+upon deliberation or governed by passion, prejudice, and impulse, without
+restraint or regard to consequences. Result is demagogism, license,
+agitation, discontent, anarchy.
+ -- U. S. Army Training Manual No. 2000-25 (1928-1932),
+ since withdrawn.
+%
+Democracy, n:
+ In which you say what you like and do what you're told.
+ -- Gerald Barry
+
+The difference between a Democracy and a Dictatorship is that in a
+Democracy you vote first and take orders later; in a Dictatorship
+you don't have to waste your time voting.
+ -- Charles Bukowski
+%
+Democrats buy most of the books that have been banned somewhere.
+Republicans form censorship committees and read them as a group.
+
+Republicans consume three-fourths of the rutabaga produced in the USA.
+The remainder is thrown out.
+
+Republicans usually wear hats and almost always clean their paint brushes.
+
+Republicans study the financial pages of the newspaper.
+Democrats put them in the bottom of the bird cage.
+
+Most of the stuff alongside the road has been thrown out of car
+windows by Democrats.
+ -- Paul Dickson, "The Official Rules"
+%
+Dental health is next to mental health.
+%
+Dentist:
+ A Prestidigitator who, putting metal in one's mouth,
+ pulls coins out of one's pockets.
+ -- Ambrose Bierce
+%
+Denver, n:
+ A smallish city located just below the `O' in Colorado.
+%
+Depart in pieces, i.e., split.
+%
+Depart not from the path which fate has assigned you.
+%
+Department chairmen never die, they just lose their faculties.
+%
+Depend on the rabbit's foot if you will,
+but remember, it didn't help the rabbit.
+ -- R.E. Shay
+%
+Deprive a mirror of its silver and even the Czar won't see his face.
+%
+Der Horizont vieler Menschen ist ein Kreis mit Radius Null -
+und das nennen sie ihren Standpunkt.
+%
+Design:
+ What you regret not doing later on.
+%
+design, v:
+ What you regret not doing later on.
+%
+Desist from enumerating your fowl
+prior to their emergence from the shell.
+%
+Despite all appearances, your boss
+is a thinking, feeling, human being.
+%
+Dessert is probably the most important stage of the meal, since it will
+be the last thing your guests remember before they pass out all over
+the table.
+ -- The Anarchist Cookbook
+%
+Destiny is a good thing to accept when it's going your way. When it isn't,
+don't call it destiny; call it injustice, treachery, or simple bad luck.
+ -- Joseph Heller, "God Knows"
+%
+Detroit is Cleveland without the glitter.
+%
+DeVries' Dilemma:
+ If you hit two keys on the typewriter,
+ the one you don't want hits the paper.
+%
+Dianetics is a milestone for man comparable to his discovery of
+fire and superior to his invention of the wheel and the arch.
+ -- L. Ron Hubbard
+%
+Dibble's First Law of Sociology:
+ Some do, some don't.
+%
+Did it ever occur to you that fat chance
+and slim chance mean the same thing?
+
+Or that we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
+%
+Did you ever notice that everyone in favour of birth control
+has already been born?
+ -- Benny Hill
+%
+Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think
+that's how dogs spend their lives.
+ -- Sue Murphy
+%
+Did you ever wonder what you'd say to God if He sneezed?
+%
+"Did YOU find a DIGITAL WATCH in YOUR box of VELVEETA?"
+ -- Zippy the Pinhead
+%
+Did you hear about the model who sat
+on a broken bottle and cut a nice figure?
+%
+Did you hear that Captain Crunch, Sugar Bear, Tony the Tiger, and
+Snap, Crackle and Pop were all murdered recently...
+
+Police suspect the work of a cereal killer!
+%
+Did you hear that there's a group of South American Indians that worship
+the number zero?
+
+Is nothing sacred?
+%
+Did you hear that two rabbits escaped from the zoo and so far they have
+only recaptured 116 of them?
+%
+Did you know?
+ EVERY TIME A LOAF OF BREAD IS BAKED,
+ APPROXIMATELY
+ 150,000,000 YEASTS ARE
+ KILLED
+
+ Come to the award-winning 1987 film,
+ "The Very Small and Quiet Screams"
+ -- a cinematic electromicrograph of yeasts being baked.
+
+A must for those who care about yeast, and especially for those who don't.
+
+ SPONSORED BY
+ Brown Anaerobe Rights Coalition (BARC)
+ Student Bakers for Social Responsibility
+ Coalition for the ELevation of Life (CELL)
+ Campus Crusade for Fetal Matters
+
+Defend all life: "From greatest to least, from human to yeast!"
+%
+Did you know about the -o option of the fortune program? It makes a
+selection from a set of offensive and/or obscene fortunes. Why not
+try it, and see how offended you are? The -a ("all") option will
+select a fortune at random from either the offensive or inoffensive
+set, and it is suggested that "fortune -a" is the command that you
+should have in your .profile or .cshrc. file.
+%
+Did you know that clones never use mirrors?
+%
+Did you know that for the price of a 280-Z you can buy two Z-80's?
+ -- P.J. Plauger
+%
+Did you know the University of Iowa
+closed down after someone stole the book?
+%
+Did you know....
+
+That no-one ever reads these things?
+%
+Didja' ever have to make up your mind,
+Pick up on one and leave the other behind,
+It's not often easy, and it's not often kind,
+Didja' ever have to make up your mind?
+ -- Lovin' Spoonful
+%
+Didja hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper who sold his soul to Santa?
+%
+"Didn't I buy a 1951 Packard from you last March in Cairo?"
+ -- Zippy the Pinhead
+%
+Die? I should say not, dear fellow. No Barrymore
+would allow such a conventional thing to happen to him.
+ -- John Barrymore's dying words
+%
+Diet Mountain Dew has the same pH and density of urine.
+ -- Newsweek, 31 July, 1989
+%
+Dieters live life in the fasting lane.
+%
+Different all twisty a of in maze are you, passages little.
+%
+Digital circuits are made from analog parts.
+ -- Don Vonada
+%
+Dignity is like a flag.
+It flaps in a storm.
+ -- Roy Mengot
+%
+Dime is money.
+%
+Dimensions will always be expressed in the least usable term, convertible
+only through the use of weird and unnatural conversion factors. Velocity,
+for example, will be expressed in furlongs per fortnight.
+%
+Dinner is ready when the smoke alarm goes off.
+%
+Dinner suggestion #302 (Hacker's De-lite):
+ 1 tin imported Brisling sardines in tomato sauce
+ 1 pouch Chocolate Malt Carnation Instant Breakfast
+ 1 carton milk
+%
+Dinosaurs aren't extinct. They've just learned to hide in the trees.
+%
+Diogenes, having abandoned his search for
+truth, is now searching for a good fantasy.
+%
+Diogenes went to look for an honest lawyer. "How's it going?", someone
+asked him, after a few days.
+ "Not too bad", replied Diogenes. "I still have my lantern."
+%
+Diplomacy is about surviving until the next century.
+Politics is about surviving until Friday afternoon.
+ -- Sir Humphrey Appleby
+%
+Diplomacy is the art of letting someone else have your way.
+%
+Diplomacy is the art of letting the other party have things your way.
+ -- Daniele Vare
+%
+Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggie" until you can find a rock.
+ -- Wynn Catlin
+%
+Diplomacy is to do and say, the nastiest thing in the nicest way.
+ -- Balfour
+%
+diplomacy, n:
+ Lying in state.
+%
+Dirksen's Three Laws of Politics:
+
+ 1: Get elected.
+ 2: Get re-elected.
+ 3: Don't get mad, get even.
+ -- Sen. Everett Dirksen
+%
+disbar, n:
+ As distinguished from some other bar.
+%
+Disc space -- the final frontier!
+%
+DISCLAIMER:
+Use of this advanced computing technology does not imply
+an endorsement of Western industrial civilization.
+%
+Disclose classified information only when a NEED TO KNOW exists.
+%
+Disco is to music what Etch-A-Sketch is to art.
+%
+Disease can be cured; fate is incurable.
+ -- Chinese proverb
+%
+Dishonor will not trouble me, once I am dead.
+ -- Euripides
+%
+Disk crisis, please clean up!
+%
+Disks travel in packs.
+%
+Disraeli was pretty close: actually, there are Lies, Damn lies, Statistics,
+Benchmarks, and Delivery dates.
+%
+Distance doesn't make you any smaller,
+but it does make you part of a larger picture.
+%
+DISTRESS:
+ A disease incurred by exposure to the prosperity of a friend.
+%
+Distrust all those who love you extremely upon a very slight
+acquaintance and without any visible reason.
+ -- Lord Chesterfield
+%
+Ditat Deus. (God enriches.)
+%
+Divorce is a game played by lawyers.
+ -- Cary Grant
+%
+Do clones have navels?
+%
+Do I like getting drunk? Depends on who's doing the drinking.
+ -- Amy Gorin
+%
+Do Miami a favor. When you leave, take someone with you.
+%
+Do molecular biologists wear designer genes?
+%
+Do more than anyone expects, and pretty soon everyone will expect more.
+%
+Do not believe in miracles -- rely on them.
+%
+Do not clog intellect's sluices with bits of knowledge of questionable uses.
+%
+Do not count your chickens before they are hatched.
+ -- Aesop
+%
+Do not despair of life. You have no doubt force enough to overcome
+your obstacles. Think of the fox prowling through wood and field in
+a winter night for something to satisfy his hunger. Notwithstanding
+cold and hounds and traps, his race survives. I do not believe any
+of them ever committed suicide.
+ -- Henry David Thoreau
+%
+Do not do unto others as you would they should do unto you.
+Their tastes may not be the same.
+ -- George Bernard Shaw
+%
+Do not drink coffee in early A.M. It will keep you awake until noon.
+%
+Do not handicap your children by making their lives easy.
+ -- Robert Heinlein
+%
+Do not meddle in the affairs of troff, for it is subtle and quick to anger.
+%
+Do not meddle in the affairs of wizards,
+for they become soggy and hard to light.
+
+Do not throw cigarette butts in the urinal,
+for they are subtle and quick to anger.
+%
+Do not overtax your powers.
+%
+Do not read this fortune under penalty of law.
+Violators will be prosecuted.
+(Penal Code sec. 2.3.2 (II.a.))
+%
+Do not seek death; death will find you.
+But seek the road which makes death a fulfillment.
+ -- Dag Hammarskjold
+%
+Do not simplify the design of a program if a way
+can be found to make it complex and wonderful.
+%
+Do not sleep in a eucalyptus tree tonight.
+%
+Do not stoop to tie your laces in your neighbor's melon patch.
+%
+Do not take life too seriously; you will never get out of it alive.
+%
+Do not think by infection, catching an opinion like a cold.
+%
+Do not try to solve all life's problems at once --
+learn to dread each day as it comes.
+ -- Donald Kaul
+%
+Do not underestimate the power of the Farce.
+%
+Do not underestimate the power of the Force.
+%
+Do not use that foreign word "ideals". We have that excellent native
+word "lies".
+ -- Henrik Ibsen, "The Wild Duck"
+%
+Do not use the blue keys on this terminal.
+%
+Do not worry about which side your
+bread is buttered on: you eat BOTH sides.
+%
+Do nothing unless you must, and when you must act -- hesitate.
+%
+Do, or do not; there is no try.
+%
+Do people know you have freckles everywhere?
+%
+Do something unusual today. Pay a bill.
+%
+Do students of Zen Buddhism do Om-work?
+%
+Do unto others before they undo you.
+%
+Do what comes naturally. Seethe and fume and throw a tantrum.
+%
+Do what thou wilt shall be the whole of the Law.
+ -- Aleister Crowley
+%
+Do what you can to prolong your life,
+in the hope that someday you'll learn what it's for.
+%
+Do you believe in intuition?
+No, but I have a strange feeling that someday I will.
+%
+Do you feel personally responsible for the world food shortage?
+Every time you go to the beach, does the tide come in?
+Have you ever eaten an entire moose?
+Can you see your neck?
+Do joggers take laps around you for exercise?
+If so, welcome to National Fat Week.
+This week we'll eat without guilt, and kick off our membership campaign,
+ ...by force-feeding a box of cornstarch to a skinny person.
+ -- Garfield
+%
+Do you guys know what you're doing, or are you just hacking?
+%
+Do YOU have redeeming social value?
+%
+Do you know, I think that Dr. Swift was silly to laugh about Laputa.
+I believe it is a mistake to make a mock of people, just because they
+think. There are ninety thousand people in this world who do not
+think, for every one who does, and these people hate the thinkers
+like poison. Even if some thinkers are fanciful, it is wrong to make
+fun of them for it. Better to think about cucumbers even, than not
+to think at all.
+ -- T.H. White
+%
+Do you know Montana?
+%
+Do you know the difference between education and experience? Education
+is when you read the fine print; experience is what you get when you don't.
+ -- Pete Seeger
+%
+Do you mean that you not only want a wrong
+answer, but a certain wrong answer?
+ -- Tobaben
+%
+Do you realize the responsibility I carry? I'm the only person standing
+between Nixon and the White House.
+ -- John F. Kennedy, in 1960
+%
+Do you suffer painful elimination?
+ -- Don Knuth, "Structured Programming with Gotos"
+
+Do you suffer painful recrimination?
+ -- Nancy Boxer, "Structured Programming with Come-froms"
+
+Do you suffer painful illumination?
+ -- Isaac Newton, "Optics"
+
+Do you suffer painful hallucination?
+ -- Don Juan, cited by Carlos Casteneda
+%
+Do you think that illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
+%
+Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he
+just whipped out a quarter?
+ -- Stephen Wright
+%
+"Do you think there's a God?"
+"Well, SOMEbody's out to get me!"
+ -- Calvin and Hobbes
+%
+"Do you think what we're doing is wrong?"
+"Of course it's wrong! It's illegal!"
+"I've never done anything illegal before."
+"I thought you said you were an accountant!"
+%
+Do you think your mother and I should have lived
+comfortably so long together if ever we had been married?
+%
+Do you want to know what's ahead for you, in your happiness at home,
+your business success? Here's a telling test: Look in the mirror. Is
+your skin smooth and lovely, your hair gleaming, your make-up glamorous?
+Are you slender enough for your height? Do you stand erect, confident?
+Yes? Then you are on your way to success as a woman.
+ -- Ladies Home Journal, 1947 advertisement
+%
+Do your otters do the shimmy?
+Do they like to shake their tails?
+Do your wombats sleep in tophats?
+Is your garden full of snails?
+%
+Do your part to help preserve life on
+Earth -- by trying to preserve your own.
+%
+Doctors and lawyers must go to school for years and years, often with
+little sleep and with great sacrifice to their first wives.
+ -- Roy G. Blount, Jr.
+%
+Documentation:
+ Instructions translated from Swedish by Japanese for English
+ speaking persons.
+%
+Documentation is the castor oil of programming. Managers know it must
+be good because the programmers hate it so much.
+%
+Does a good farmer neglect a crop he has planted?
+Does a good teacher overlook even the most humble student?
+Does a good father allow a single child to starve?
+Does a good programmer refuse to maintain his code?
+ -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
+%
+Does a one-legged duck swim in a circle?
+%
+Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
+%
+Dogs just don't seem to be able to tell the difference between important people
+and the rest of us.
+%
+Doin' it in the dark, down in Rock Creek Park.
+%
+Doing gets it done.
+%
+Domestic happiness and faithful friends.
+%
+Don
+Ameche: I didn't know you had a cousin Penelope, Bill!
+ Was she pretty?
+W.C.: Well, her face was so wrinkled it looked like seven miles of
+ bad road. She had so many gold teeth, Don, she use to have
+ to sleep with her head in a safe. She died in Bolivia.
+Don: Oh Bill, it must be hard to lose a relative.
+W.C.: It's almost impossible.
+ -- W.C. Fields, "The Further Adventures of Larson E.
+ Whipsnade and other Tarradiddles"
+%
+Don't abandon hope.
+Your Captain Midnight decoder ring arrives tomorrow.
+%
+Don't assume that every sad-eyed woman has loved and lost -- she may
+have got him.
+%
+Don't be concerned, it will not harm you,
+It's only me pursuing something I'm not sure of,
+Across my dreams, with neptive wonder,
+I chase the bright elusive butterfly of love.
+%
+Don't be humble, you're not that great.
+ -- Golda Meir
+%
+Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
+%
+Don't be overly suspicious where it's not warranted.
+%
+Don't believe everything you hear or anything you say.
+%
+Don't buy a landslide. I don't want to have to pay for one more vote
+than I have to.
+ -- Joseph P. Kennedy, on JFK's election strategy.
+%
+Don't compare floating point numbers solely for equality.
+%
+Don't confuse things that need action
+with those that take care of themselves.
+%
+Don't cook tonight -- starve a rat today!
+%
+Don't crush that dwarf, hand me the pliers!
+ -- Firesign Theatre
+%
+Don't despair; your ideal lover is waiting for you around the corner.
+%
+Don't despise your poor relations, they may become suddenly rich one day.
+ -- Josh Billings
+%
+Don't do the crime, if you can't do the time.
+ -- Lt. Col. Ollie North
+%
+Don't do unto others as you would they should do unto you.
+Their tastes may not be the same.
+ -- G.B. Shaw
+%
+Don't drink when you drive -- you might hit a bump and spill it.
+%
+Don't drop acid -- take it pass/fail.
+ -- Seen in a Ladies Room at Harvard
+%
+Don't eat yellow snow.
+%
+Don't ever slam a door; you might want to go back.
+%
+Don't everyone thank me at once!
+ -- Han Solo
+%
+Don't expect people to keep in step--
+it's hard enough just staying in line.
+%
+Don't feed the bats tonight.
+%
+Don't force it, get a larger hammer.
+ -- Anthony
+%
+Don't get even, get odd.
+%
+Don't get mad, get even.
+ -- Joseph P. Kennedy
+
+Don't get even, get jewelry.
+ -- Anonymous
+%
+Don't get mad, get interest.
+%
+Don't get stuck in a closet -- wear yourself out.
+%
+Don't get suckered in by the comments -- they
+can be terribly misleading. Debug only code.
+ -- Dave Storer
+%
+Don't get to bragging.
+%
+Don't go around saying the world owes you a living.
+The world owes you nothing. It was here first.
+ -- Mark Twain
+%
+Don't go surfing in South Dakota for a while.
+%
+Don't go to bed with no price on your head.
+ -- Baretta
+%
+Don't guess - check your security regulations.
+%
+Don't hate yourself in the morning -- sleep till noon.
+%
+Don't have good ideas if you aren't willing to be responsible for them.
+%
+Don't hit the keys so hard, it hurts.
+%
+Don't I know you?
+%
+Don't interfere with the stranger's style.
+%
+Don't just eat a hamburger; eat the HELL out of it.
+ -- J.R. "Bob" Dobbs
+%
+Don't kid yourself. Little is relevant, and nothing lasts forever.
+%
+Don't kiss an elephant on the lips today.
+%
+Don't knock President Fillmore. He kept us out of Vietnam.
+%
+Don't know what time I'll be back, Mom.
+Probably soon after she throws me out.
+%
+Don't let go of what you've got hold of,
+until you have hold of something else.
+ -- First Rule of Wing Walking
+%
+Don't let nobody tell you what you cannot do;
+don't let nobody tell you what's impossible for you;
+don't let nobody tell you what you got to do,
+or you'll never know ... what's on the other side of the rainbow...
+remember, if you don't follow your dreams,
+you'll never know what's on the other side of the rainbow...
+ -- melba moore, "the other side of the rainbow"
+%
+Don't let people drive you crazy when you know it's in walking distance.
+%
+Don't let your status become too quo!
+%
+Don't look back, the lemmings are gaining on you.
+%
+Don't look back, the lemmings might be gaining on you.
+%
+Don't look now, but the man in the moon is laughing at you.
+%
+Don't look now, but there is a multi-legged creature on your shoulder.
+%
+Don't lose
+Your head
+To gain a minute
+You need your head
+Your brains are in it.
+ -- Burma Shave
+%
+Don't make a big deal out of everything; just deal with everything.
+%
+Don't marry for money; you can borrow it cheaper.
+ -- Scottish Proverb
+%
+Don't mind him; politicians always sound like that.
+%
+Don't plan any hasty moves.
+You'll be evicted soon anyway.
+%
+Don't put off for tomorrow what you can do today because
+if you do it today, you can do it again tomorrow.
+%
+Don't put too fine a point to your wit for fear it should get blunted.
+ -- Miguel de Cervantes
+%
+Don't quit now, we might just as well
+lock the door and throw away the key.
+%
+Don't read any sky-writing for the next two weeks.
+%
+Don't read everything you believe.
+%
+Don't relax! It's only your tension that's holding you together.
+%
+Don't remember what you can infer.
+ -- Harry Tennant
+%
+Don't say "yes" until I finish talking.
+ -- Darryl F. Zanuck
+%
+Don't shoot until you're sure you both aren't on the same side.
+%
+Don't shout for help at night. You might wake your neighbors.
+ -- Stanislaw J. Lem, "Unkempt Thoughts"
+%
+Don't smoke the next cigarette. Repeat.
+%
+Don't speak about Time, until you have spoken to him.
+%
+Don't steal... the IRS hates competition!
+%
+Don't stop to stomp ants when the elephants are stampeding.
+%
+Don't sweat it -- it's only ones and zeros.
+ -- P. Skelly
+%
+Don't take a nickel, just hand them your business card.
+ -- Richard Daley, advising on the safe enjoyment of graft
+%
+Don't take life seriously, you'll never get out alive.
+%
+Don't talk to me about naval tradition. It's nothing but rum,
+sodomy and the lash.
+ -- Winston Churchill
+%
+Don't tell any big lies today. Small ones can be just as effective.
+%
+Don't tell me how hard you work. Tell me how much you get done.
+ -- James J. Ling
+%
+Don't tell me that worry doesn't do any good.
+I know better. The things I worry about don't happen.
+ -- Watchman Examiner
+%
+Don't tell me what you dream'd last night for I've been reading Freud.
+%
+Don't try to have the last word -- you might get it.
+ -- Lazarus Long
+%
+Don't try to outweird me, three-eyes. I get stranger things than you free
+with my breakfast cereal.
+ -- Zaphod Beeblebrox
+%
+Don't vote - it only encourages them!
+%
+Don't wake me up too soon...
+Gonna take a ride across the moon...
+You and me.
+%
+Don't worry. Life's too long.
+ -- Vincent Sardi, Jr.
+%
+Don't worry -- the brontosaurus is slow, stupid, and placid.
+%
+Don't worry about people stealing your ideas. If your ideas
+are any good, you'll have to ram them down people's throats.
+ -- Howard Aiken
+%
+Don't worry about the world coming to an end today.
+It's already tomorrow in Australia.
+ -- Charles Schultz
+%
+Don't Worry, Be Happy.
+ -- Meher Baba
+%
+Don't worry if you're a kleptomaniac,
+you can always take something for it.
+%
+Don't worry over what other people are thinking about you.
+They're too busy worrying over what you are thinking about them.
+%
+Don't worry so loud, your roommate can't think.
+%
+Don't you feel more like you do now than you did when you came in?
+%
+"Don't you think what we're doing is wrong?"
+"Of course it's wrong! It's illegal!"
+"Well, I've never done anything illegal before."
+"... I thought you said you were an accountant."
+%
+Don't you wish that all the people who sincerely
+want to help you could agree with each other?
+%
+Don't you wish you had more energy... or less ambition?
+%
+Dope will get you through times of no money better that money will get
+you through times of no dope.
+ -- Gilbert Shelton
+%
+Dorothy: But how can you talk without a brain?
+Scarecrow: Well, I don't know... but some people
+ without brains do an awful lot of talking.
+ -- The Wizard of Oz
+%
+Double!
+%
+Double Bucky, you're the one,
+You make my keyboard so much fun,
+Double Bucky, an additional bit or two, (Vo-vo-de-o)
+Control and meta, side by side,
+Augmented ASCII, 9 bits wide!
+Double Bucky, a half a thousand glyphs, plus a few!
+
+Oh, I sure wish that I,
+Had a couple of bits more!
+Perhaps a set of pedals to make the number of bits four.
+
+Double Double Bucky! Double Bucky left and right
+OR'd together, outta sight!
+Double Bucky, I'd like a whole word of,
+Double Bucky, I'm happy I heard of,
+Double Bucky, I'd like a whole word of you!
+ -- to Nicholas Wirth, who suggested that an extra bit
+ be added to terminal codes on 36-bit machines for use
+ by screen editors. [to the tune of "Rubber Ducky"]
+%
+double-blind Experiment, n:
+ An experiment in which the chief researcher believes he is
+fooling both the subject and the lab assistant. Often accompanied
+by a strong belief in the tooth fairy.
+%
+Doubt is a not a pleasant mental state, but certainty is a ridiculous one.
+ -- Voltaire
+%
+Doubt is not a pleasant condition, but certainty is absurd.
+ -- Voltaire
+%
+Doubt isn't the opposite of faith; it is an element of faith.
+ -- Paul Tillich, German theologian.
+%
+Down to the Banana Republics,
+Down to the tropical sun.
+Go the expatriated Americans,
+Hoping to find some fun.
+Some of them go for the sailing,
+Caught by the lure of the sea.
+Trying to find what is ailing,
+Living in the land of the free.
+Some of them are running from lovers,
+Leaving no forward address.
+Some of them are running tons of ganja,
+Some are running from the IRS.
+Late at night you will find them,
+In the cheap hotels and bars.
+Hustling the senoritas,
+While they dance beneath the stars.
+ -- Jimmy Buffet, "Banana Republics"
+%
+Down with the categorical imperative!
+%
+Dow's Law:
+ In a hierarchical organization,
+ the higher the level, the greater the confusion.
+%
+Dozens of bears are found dead in Alaska and Canada every summer, killed
+by blood lost to the voracious mosquito. The estimated life-expectancy
+of a naked man on the tundra in summer is about 15 minutes. In that
+time, approximately 250,000 mosquitoes would have drawn enough blood to
+kill him.
+ -- Gus McLeavy, "Day-by-Day Trivia Almanac"
+%
+Dr. Fritzkee's Lucky Astrology Diet
+
+The problem with the diets of today is that most women who do achieve
+that magic weight, seventy-six pounds, are still fat. Dr. Fritzkee's
+Lucky Astrology Diet is a sure-fire method of reducing with the added
+luxury that you never feel hungry.
+
+Here's how the diet works:
+
+ FOODS ALLOWED
+First Month: One egg
+Second Month: A raisin
+Third Month: Pumpkin pie with whipped cream and chocolate sauce.
+
+If after the third month you haven't gotten to your dream weight, try
+lopping off parts of your body until those scales tip just right for you.
+%
+Dr. Jekyll had something to Hyde.
+%
+Dr. Livingston?
+Dr. Livingston I. Presume?
+%
+Draft beer, not people.
+%
+Drakenberg's Discovery:
+ If you can't seem to find your glasses,
+ it's probably because you don't have them on.
+%
+Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing.
+%
+Dreams are free, but there's a small charge for alterations.
+%
+Dreams are free, but you get soaked on the connect time.
+%
+Drew's Law of Highway Biology:
+ The first bug to hit a clean windshield
+ lands directly in front of your eyes.
+%
+Drilling for oil is boring.
+%
+Drink and dance and laugh and lie
+Love, the reeling midnight through
+For tomorrow we shall die!
+(But, alas, we never do.)
+ -- Dorothy Parker, "The Flaw in Paganism"
+%
+Drink Canada Dry! You might not succeed, but it *is* fun trying.
+%
+Drinking coffee for instant relaxation? That's like drinking alcohol for
+instant motor skills.
+ -- Marc Price
+%
+Drinking is not a spectator sport.
+ -- Jim Brosnan
+%
+Drinking makes such fools of people, and people are such fools to begin
+with, that it's compounding a felony.
+ -- Robert Benchley
+%
+Drinking when we are not thirsty and making love at all seasons, madam:
+that is all there is to distinguish us from the other animals.
+ -- Pierre de Beaumarchais, "Le Marriage de Figaro"
+%
+Drive defensively, buy a tank.
+%
+Driving in Texas is simple. For the first 100 miles you swerve to
+avoid jackrabbits. For the second 100 miles you hit whatever
+jackrabbits get in the way. After that you chase off into the
+brush after them.
+%
+Driving through a Swiss city one day, Alfred Hitchcock suddenly pointed out
+of the car window and said, "That is the most frightening sight I have ever
+seen." His companion was surprised to see nothing more alarming than a
+priest in conversation with a little boy, his hand on the child's shoulder.
+"Run, little boy," cried Hitchcock, leaning out of the car. "Run for your
+life!"
+%
+Drop that pickle!
+%
+DROP THE DAMN BEAR!!!
+ -- The Adventurer
+%
+Drop the vase and it will become a Ming of the past.
+ -- The Adventurer
+%
+drug, n:
+ A substance that, when injected into a rat, produces a scientific
+ paper.
+%
+Drugs may be the road to nowhere, but at least they're the scenic route!
+%
+Drunks are rarely amusing unless they know some good songs and lose a
+lot a poker.
+ -- Karyl Roosevelt
+%
+Ducharme's Precept:
+ Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune moment.
+
+Ducharme's Axiom:
+ If you view your problem closely enough you will recognize
+ yourself as part of the problem.
+%
+Duckies are fun!
+%
+Ducks? What ducks??
+%
+Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side,
+and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
+ -- Carl Zwanzig
+%
+Due to a shortage of devoted followers, the
+production of great leaders has been discontinued.
+%
+Due to circumstances beyond your control, you are master of your
+fate and captain of your soul.
+%
+Dungeons and Dragons is just a lot of Saxon Violence.
+%
+During almost fifteen centuries the legal establishment of Christianity has
+been upon trial. What has been its fruits? More or less, in all places,
+pride and indolence in the clergy; ignorance and servility in the laity,;
+in both, superstition, bigotry, and persecution.
+ -- James Madison
+%
+During the next two hours, the VAX will be going up and down
+several times, often with lin~po_~{po ~poz~ppo\~{ o n~po_~
+{o[po ~poodsou>#w4k**n~po_~{ol;lkld;f;g;dd;po\~{o
+%
+During the Reagan-Mondale debates:
+
+Q: "Do you feel that a person's age affects his ability to
+ perform as president?"
+Reagan: "I refuse to make an issue out of my opponent's youth and
+ inexperience."
+%
+During the voyage of life, remember to keep an eye out for a
+fair wind; batten down during a storm; hail all passing ships;
+and fly your colors proudly.
+%
+Dustin Farnum: Why, yesterday, I had the audience glued to their seats!
+Oliver Herford: Wonderful! Wonderful! Clever of you to think of it!
+ -- Brian Herbert, "Classic Comebacks"
+%
+Duty, n:
+ What one expects from others.
+ -- Oscar Wilde
+%
+Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. My advice to you is to have
+nothing whatever to do with it.
+ -- W. Somerset Maugham, his last words
+%
+Dying is easy. Comedy is difficult.
+ -- Actor Edmond Gween, on his deathbed.
+%
+Dying is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down.
+ -- Woody Allen
+%
+E = MC ** 2 +- 3db
+%
+E Pluribus UNIX.
+%
+Each man is his own prisoner, in solitary confinement for life.
+%
+Each new user of a new system uncovers a new class of bugs.
+ -- Kernighan
+%
+Each of these cults correspond to one of the two antagonists in the age of
+Reformation. In the realm of the Apple Macintosh, as in Catholic Europe,
+worshipers peer devoutly into screens filled with "icons." All is sound and
+imagery and Appledom. Even words look like decorative filigrees in exotic
+typefaces. The greatest icon of all, the inviolable Apple itself, stands in
+the dominate position at the upper-left corner of the screen. A central
+corporate headquarters decrees the form of all rites and practices.
+Infallible doctrine issues from one executive officer whose selection occurs
+in a sealed boardroom. Should anyone in his curia question his powers, the
+offender is excommunicated into outer darkness. The expelled heretic founds
+a new company, mutters obscurely of the coming age and the next computer,
+then disappears into silence, taking his stockholders with him. The mother
+company forbids financial competition as sternly as it stifles ideological
+competition; if you want to use computer programs that conform to Apple's
+orthodoxy, you must buy a computer made and sold by Apple itself.
+ -- Edward Mendelson, "The New Republic", February 22, 1988
+%
+Each of us bears his own Hell.
+ -- Publius Vergilius Maro (Virgil)
+%
+Each person has the right to take part in the management of public affairs
+in his country, provided he has prior experience, a will to succeed, a
+university degree, influential parents, good looks, a curriculum vitae, two
+3 X 4 snapshots, and a good tax record.
+%
+Each person has the right to take the subway.
+%
+EARL GREY PROFILES
+
+NAME: Jean-Luc Perriwinkle Picard
+OCCUPATION: Starship Big Cheese
+AGE: 94
+BIRTHPLACE: Paris, Terra Sector
+EYES: Grey
+SKIN: Tanned
+HAIR: Not much
+LAST MAGAZINE READ:
+ Lobes 'n' Probes, the Ferengi-Betazoid Sex Quarterly
+TEA: Earl Grey. Hot.
+
+EARL GREY NEVER VARIES.
+%
+Earl Wiener, 55, a University of Miami professor of management
+science, telling the Airline Pilots Association (in jest) about
+21st century aircraft:
+
+ "The crew will consist of one pilot and a dog. The pilot will
+ nurture and feed the dog. The dog will be there to bite the
+ pilot if he touches anything.
+ -- Fortune, Sept. 26, 1988
+%
+Early to bed and early to rise and you'll
+be groggy when everyone else is wide awake.
+%
+Early to rise and early to bed makes
+a man healthy and wealthy and dead.
+ -- James Thurber
+%
+Earn cash in your spare time -- blackmail your friends.
+%
+Earth Destroyed by Solar Flare -- film clips at eleven.
+%
+/earth: file system full.
+%
+/Earth is 98% full ... please delete anyone you can.
+%
+Earth is a great funhouse without the fun.
+ -- Jeff Berner
+%
+Easiest Color to Solve on a Rubik's Cube: Black.
+
+Simply remove all the little colored stickers on the cube, and each of
+side of the cube will now be the original color of the plastic underneath
+-- black. According to the instructions, this means the puzzle is solved.
+%
+Easy come and easy go,
+ some call me easy money,
+Sometimes life is full of laughs,
+ and sometimes it ain't funny
+You may think that I'm a fool
+ and sometimes that is true,
+But I'm goin' to heaven in a flash of fire,
+ with or without you.
+ -- Hoyt Axton
+%
+Eat as much as you like -- just don't swallow it.
+ -- Harry Secombe's diet
+%
+Eat drink and be merry! Tommorrow you may be in Utah.
+%
+Eat drink and be merry, for tomorrow we diet.
+%
+Eat one live frog the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will
+happen to either of you for the rest of the day.
+%
+Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse
+will happen to you the rest of the day.
+
+[Well, actually, to either of you... Ed.]
+%
+Eat right, stay fit, and die anyway.
+%
+Eat the rich, the poor are tough and stringy.
+%
+Eating chocolate is like being in love without the aggravation.
+%
+Economics is extremely useful as a form of employment for economists.
+ -- John Kenneth Galbraith
+%
+economics, n.:
+ Economics is the study of the value and meaning of J.K. Galbraith.
+ -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
+%
+Economies of scale:
+ The notion that bigger is better. In particular, that if you want
+ a certain amount of computer power, it is much better to buy one
+ biggie than a bunch of smallies. Accepted as an article of faith
+ by people who love big machines and all that complexity. Rejected
+ as an article of faith by those who love small machines and all
+ those limitations.
+%
+economist, n:
+ Someone who's good with figures, but doesn't have enough
+ personality to become an accountant.
+%
+Economists can certainly disappoint you. One said that the economy would
+turn up by the last quarter. Well, I'm down to mine and it hasn't.
+ -- Robert Orben
+%
+Economists state their GNP growth projections to the nearest tenth of a
+percentage point to prove they have a sense of humor.
+ -- Edgar R. Fiedler
+%
+Editing is a rewording activity.
+%
+Education and religion are two things not regulated by supply and
+demand. The less of either the people have, the less they want.
+ -- Charlotte Observer, 1897
+%
+Education is an admirable thing, but it is well to remember from time to
+time that nothing that is worth knowing can be taught.
+ -- Oscar Wilde, "The Critic as Artist"
+%
+Education is learning what you didn't even know you didn't know.
+ -- Daniel J. Boorstin
+%
+Education is the process of casting false pearls before real swine.
+ -- Irwin Edman
+%
+Education is what survives when what has been learnt has been forgotten.
+ -- B.F. Skinner
+%
+Educational television should be absolutely forbidden. It can only lead
+to unreasonable disappointment when your child discovers that the letters
+of the alphabet do not leap up out of books and dance around with
+royal-blue chickens.
+ -- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies"
+%
+Eeny, Meeny, Jelly Beanie,
+The spirits are about to speak...
+%
+Eggheads unite! You have nothing to lose but your yolks.
+ -- Adlai Stevenson
+%
+Ego sum ens omnipotens
+%
+Egotism is the anesthetic given by a kindly nature
+to relieve the pain of being a damned fool.
+ -- Bellamy Brooks
+%
+Egotism is the anesthetic which numbs the pain of stupidity.
+%
+Egotism, n:
+ Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle with a pen.
+
+Egotist, n:
+ A person of low taste, more interested in himself than me.
+ -- Ambrose Bierce
+%
+egrep -n '^[a-z].*\(' $ | sort -t':' +2.0
+%
+Ehrman's Commentary:
+ 1. Things will get worse before they get better.
+ 2. Who said things would get better?
+%
+Eighty percent of air pollution comes from plants and trees.
+ -- Ronald Reagan, famous movie star
+%
+...eighty years later he could still recall with the young pang of his
+original joy his falling in love with Ada.
+ -- Nabokov
+%
+Einstein argued that there must be simplified explanations of nature, because
+God is not capricious or arbitrary. No such faith comforts the software
+engineer.
+ -- Fred Brooks
+%
+Eisenhower was very nice,
+Nixon was his only vice.
+ -- C. Degen
+%
+Either I'm dead or my watch has stopped.
+ -- Groucho Marx' last words
+%
+ELBONICS:
+ The actions of two people maneuvering for one
+ armrest in a movie theatre.
+ -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
+%
+Eleanor Rigby
+Sits at the keyboard and waits for a line on the screen
+Lives in a dream
+Waits for a signal, finding some code that will
+ make the machine do some more.
+What is it for?
+
+All the lonely users, where do they all come from?
+All the lonely users, why does it take so long?
+
+Hacker MacKensie
+Writing the code for a program that no one will run
+It's nearly done
+Look at him working, fixing the bugs in the night when there's
+ nobody there.
+What does he care?
+
+All the lonely users, where do they all come from?
+All the lonely users, why does it take so long?
+Ah, look at all the lonely users.
+Ah, look at all the lonely users.
+%
+ELECTRIC JELL-O
+
+2 boxes JELL-O brand gelatin 2 packages Knox brand unflavored gelatin
+2 cups fruit (any variety) 2+ cups water
+1/2 bottle Everclear brand grain alcohol
+
+Mix JELL-O and Knox gelatin into 2 cups of boiling water. Stir 'til
+ fully dissolved.
+Pour hot mixture into a flat pan. (JELL-O molds won't work.)
+Stir in grain alcohol instead of usual cold water. Remove any congealing
+ glops of slime. (Alcohol has an unusual effect on excess JELL-O.)
+Pour in fruit to desired taste, and to absorb any excess alcohol.
+Mix in some cold water to dilute the alcohol and make it easier to eat for
+ the faint of heart.
+Refrigerate overnight to allow mixture to fully harden. (About 8-12 hours.)
+Cut into squares and enjoy!
+
+WARNING:
+ Keep ingredients away from open flame. Not recommended for
+ children under eight years of age.
+%
+Electrical Engineers do it with less resistance.
+%
+Electrocution, n:
+ Burning at the stake with all the modern improvements.
+%
+Elegance and truth are inversely related.
+ -- Becker's Razor
+%
+Elephant, n:
+ A mouse built to government specifications.
+%
+Elevators smell different to midgets.
+%
+Eleventh Law of Acoustics:
+ In a minimum-phase system there is an inextricable link between
+ frequency response, phase response and transient response, as they
+ are all merely transforms of one another. This combined with
+ minimalization of open-loop errors in output amplifiers and correct
+ compensation for non-linear passive crossover network loading can
+ lead to a significant decrease in system resolution lost. However,
+ of course, this all means jack when you listen to Pink Floyd.
+%
+Eli and Bessie went to sleep.
+In the middle of the night, Bessie nudged Eli.
+ "Please be so kindly and close the window. It's cold outside!"
+Half asleep, Eli murmured,
+ "Nu ... so if I'll close the window, will it be warm outside?"
+%
+Elliptic paraboloids for sale.
+%
+Elliptical, n:
+ The feel of a kiss.
+%
+Eloquence is logic on fire.
+%
+Elwood: What kind of music do you get here ma'am?
+Barmaid: Why, we get both kinds of music, Country and Western.
+%
+Emacs, n:
+ A slow-moving parody of a text editor.
+%
+Emersons' Law of Contrariness:
+ Our chief want in life is somebody who shall make us do
+ what we can. Having found them, we shall then hate them
+ for it.
+%
+Encyclopedia for sale by father.
+Son knows everything.
+%
+Encyclopedia Salesmen:
+ Invite them all in. Nip out the back door. Phone the police
+ and tell them your house is being burgled.
+ -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
+%
+Endless Loop: n. see Loop, Endless.
+Loop, Endless: n. see Endless Loop.
+ -- Random Shack Data Processing Dictionary
+%
+Endless the world's turn, endless the sun's spinning
+Endless the quest;
+I turn again, back to my own beginning,
+And here, find rest.
+%
+Enemy -- SP (Suppressive Person) Order. Fair Game. May be deprived of
+property or injured by any means by any Scientologist without any discipline
+of the Scientologist. May be tricked, sued or lied to or destroyed.
+ -- L. Ron Hubbard, "Fair Game Doctrine"
+%
+Engineering: "How will this work?"
+Science: "Why will this work?"
+Management: "When will this work?"
+Liberal Arts: "Do you want fries with that?"
+%
+English literature's performing flea.
+ -- Sean O'Casey on P.G. Wodehouse
+%
+Engram, n:
+ 1. The physical manifestation of human memory -- "the engram."
+2. A particular memory in physical form. [Usage note: this term is no longer
+in common use. Prior to Wilson and Magruder's historic discovery, the nature
+of the engram was a topic of intense speculation among neuroscientists,
+psychologists, and even computer scientists. In 1994 Professors M. R. Wilson
+and W. V. Magruder, both of Mount St. Coax University in Palo Alto, proved
+conclusively that the mammalian brain is hardwired to interpret a set of
+thirty seven genetically transmitted cooperating TECO macros. Human memory
+was shown to reside in 1 million Q-registers as Huffman coded uppercase-only
+ASCII strings. Interest in the engram has declined substantially since that
+time.]
+ -- New Century Unabridged English Dictionary,
+ 3rd edition, 2007 A.D.
+%
+enhance, v:
+ To tamper with an image, usually to its detriment.
+%
+Enjoy your life; be pleasant and gay, like the birds in May.
+%
+Enjoy yourself while you're still old.
+%
+Entrepreneur, n:
+ A high-rolling risk taker who would rather
+ be a spectacular failure than a dismal success.
+%
+Entropy isn't what it used to be.
+%
+Entropy requires no maintenance.
+ -- Markoff Chaney
+%
+Envy is a pain of mind that successful men cause their neighbors.
+ -- Onasander
+%
+Envy, n:
+ Wishing you'd been born with an unfair advantage,
+ instead of having to try and acquire one.
+%
+Enzymes are things invented by biologists
+that explain things which otherwise require harder thinking.
+ -- Jerome Lettvin
+%
+Equal bytes for women.
+%
+Ere the cock crows thrice one of you will betray me.
+ -- Early Jewish Resistance Leader
+%
+Ernest asks Frank how long he has been working for the company.
+ "Ever since they threatened to fire me."
+%
+Es brilig war. Die schlichte Toven
+ Wirrten und wimmelten in Waben;
+Und aller-mumsige Burggoven
+ Dir mohmen Rath ausgraben.
+%
+Eschew obfuscation.
+%
+Established technology tends to persist in the face of new technology.
+ -- G. Blaauw, one of the designers of System 360
+%
+E.T. GO HOME!!! (And take your Smurfs with you.)
+%
+Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.
+ -- Woody Allen
+%
+Eternity is a terrible thought. I mean, where's it going to end?
+ -- Tom Stoppard
+%
+Etiquette is for those with no breeding;
+fashion for those with no taste.
+%
+Etymology, n:
+ Some early etymological scholars came up with derivations that
+ were hard for the public to believe. The term 'etymology' was
+ formed from the Latin 'etus' ("eaten"), the root 'mal' ("bad"),
+ and 'logy' ("study of"). It meant "the study of things that are
+ hard to swallow."
+ -- Mike Kellen
+%
+Euch ist bekannt, was wir beduerfen;
+Wir wollen stark Getraenke schluerfen.
+ -- Goethe, "Faust"
+%
+Eudaemonic research proceeded with the casual mania peculiar to this part of
+the world. Nude sunbathing on the back deck was combined with phone calls to
+Advanced Kinetics in Costa Mesa, American Laser Systems in Goleta, Automation
+Industries in Danbury, Connecticut, Arenberg Ultrasonics in Jamaica Plain,
+Massachusetts, and Hewlett Packard in Sunnyvale, California, where Norman
+Packard's cousin, David, presided as chairman of the board. The trick was to
+make these calls at noon, in the hope that out-to-lunch executives would return
+them at their own expense. Eudaemonic Enterprises, for all they knew, might be
+a fast-growing computer company branching out of the Silicon Valley. Sniffing
+the possibility of high-volume sales, these executives little suspected that
+they were talking on the other end of the line to a naked physicist crazed
+over roulette.
+ -- Thomas Bass, "The Eudaemonic Pie"
+%
+Eureka!
+ -- Archimedes
+%
+Even a blind pig stumbles upon a few acorns.
+%
+Even a cabbage may look at a king.
+%
+Even a hawk is an eagle among crows.
+%
+Even a man who is pure at heart,
+And says his prayers at night
+Can become a wolf when the wolfbane blooms,
+And the moon is full and bright.
+ -- The Wolf Man, 1941
+%
+Even God cannot change the past.
+ -- Joseph Stalin
+%
+Even God lends a hand to honest boldness.
+ -- Menander
+%
+Even if you do learn to speak correct
+English, whom are you going to speak it to?
+ -- Clarence Darrow
+%
+Even if you persuade me, you won't persuade me.
+ -- Aristophanes
+%
+Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.
+ -- Will Rogers
+%
+Even in the moment of our earliest kiss,
+When sighed the straitened bud into the flower,
+Sat the dry seed of most unwelcome this;
+And that I knew, though not the day and hour.
+Too season-wise am I, being country-bred,
+To tilt at autumn or defy the frost:
+Snuffing the chill even as my fathers did,
+I say with them, "What's out tonight is lost."
+I only hoped, with the mild hope of all
+Who watch the leaf take shape upon the tree,
+A fairer summer and a later fall
+Than in these parts a man is apt to see,
+And sunny clusters ripened for the wine:
+I tell you this across the blackened vine.
+ -- Edna St. Vincent Millay, "Even in the Moment of
+ Our Earliest Kiss", 1931
+%
+Even moderation ought not to be practiced to excess.
+%
+Even nowadays a man can't step up and kill a woman without feeling
+just a bit unchivalrous...
+ -- Robert Benchley
+%
+Even the best of friends cannot attend each other's funeral.
+ -- Kehlog Albran
+%
+Even the best of friends cannot attend each other's funeral.
+ -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit"
+%
+Even though they raised the rate for first class mail in the United
+States we really shouldn't complain -- it's still only 2 cents a day.
+%
+Events are not affected, they develop.
+ -- Sri Aurobindo
+%
+Ever feel like life was a game and you had the wrong instruction book?
+%
+Ever feel like you're the head pin on life's
+bowling alley, and everyone's rolling strikes?
+%
+Ever get the feeling that the world's
+on tape and one of the reels is missing?
+ -- Rich Little
+%
+Ever notice that even the busiest people are
+never too busy to tell you just how busy they are?
+%
+Ever notice that the word "therapist" breaks down into "the rapist"?
+Simple coincidence?
+Maybe...
+%
+Ever Onward! Ever Onward!
+That's the sprit that has brought us fame.
+We're big but bigger we will be,
+We can't fail for all can see, that to serve humanity
+Has been our aim.
+Our products now are known in every zone.
+Our reputation sparkles like a gem.
+We've fought our way thru
+And new fields we're sure to conquer, too
+For the Ever Onward IBM!
+ -- Ever Onward, from the 1940 IBM Songbook
+%
+Ever Onward! Ever Onward!
+We're bound for the top to never fall,
+Right here and now we thankfully
+Pledge sincerest loyalty
+To the corporation that's the best of all
+Our leaders we revere and while we're here,
+Let's show the world just what we think of them!
+So let us sing men -- Sing men
+Once or twice, then sing again
+For the Ever Onward IBM!
+ -- Ever Onward, from the 1940 IBM Songbook
+%
+Ever since I was a young boy,
+I've hacked the ARPA net,
+From Berkeley down to Rutgers, He's on my favorite terminal,
+Any access I could get, He cats C right into foo,
+But ain't seen nothing like him, His disciples lead him in,
+On any campus yet, And he just breaks the root,
+That deaf, dumb, and blind kid, Always has full SYS-PRIV's,
+Sure sends a mean packet. Never uses lint,
+ That deaf, dumb, and blind kid,
+ Sure sends a mean packet.
+He's a UNIX wizard,
+There has to be a twist.
+The UNIX wizard's got Ain't got no distractions,
+Unlimited space on disk. Can't hear no whistles or bells,
+How do you think he does it? Can't see no message flashing,
+I don't know. Types by sense of smell,
+What makes him so good? Those crazy little programs,
+ The proper bit flags set,
+ That deaf, dumb, and blind kid,
+ Sure sends a mean packet.
+ -- UNIX Wizard
+%
+Ever wonder if taxation without representation might have been cheaper?
+%
+Ever wonder why fire engines are red?
+
+Because newspapers are read too.
+Two and Two is four.
+Four and four is eight.
+Eight and four is twelve.
+There are twelve inches in a ruler.
+Queen Mary was a ruler.
+Queen Mary was a ship.
+Ships sail the sea.
+There are fishes in the sea.
+Fishes have fins.
+The Fins fought the Russians.
+Russians are red.
+Fire engines are always rush'n.
+Therefore fire engines are red.
+%
+Ever wondered about the origins of the term "bugs" as applied to computer
+technology? U.S. Navy Capt. Grace Murray Hopper has firsthand explanation.
+The 74-year-old captain, who is still on active duty, was a pioneer in
+computer technology during World War II. At the C.W. Post Center of Long
+Island University, Hopper told a group of Long Island public school adminis-
+trators that the first computer "bug" was a real bug--a moth. At Harvard
+one August night in 1945, Hopper and her associates were working on the
+"granddaddy" of modern computers, the Mark I. "Things were going badly;
+there was something wrong in one of the circuits of the long glass-enclosed
+computer," she said. "Finally, someone located the trouble spot and, using
+ordinary tweezers, removed the problem, a two-inch moth. From then on, when
+anything went wrong with a computer, we said it had bugs in it." Hopper
+said that when the veracity of her story was questioned recently, "I referred
+them to my 1945 log book, now in the collection of the Naval Surface Weapons
+Center, and they found the remains of that moth taped to the page in
+question."
+ [actually, the term "bug" had even earlier usage in
+ regard to problems with radio hardware. Ed.]
+%
+Everlasting peace will come to the world when the last man has slain
+the last but one.
+ -- Adolph Hitler
+%
+Every 4 seconds a woman has a baby.
+Our problem is to find this woman and stop her.
+%
+Every cloud engenders not a storm.
+ -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"
+%
+Every cloud has a silver lining;
+you should have sold it, and bought titanium.
+%
+Every country has the government it deserves.
+ -- Joseph De Maistre
+%
+Every creature has within him the wild, uncontrollable urge to punt.
+%
+Every day it's the same thing -- variety. I want something different.
+%
+Every day people are straying away from the church and going back to God.
+ -- Lenny Bruce
+%
+Every dog has its day, but the nights belong to the pussycats.
+%
+Every gun that is made, every warship launched, every rocket fired
+signifies in the final sense, a theft from those who hunger and are not
+fed, those who are cold and are not clothed. This world in arms is not
+spending money alone. It is spending the sweat of its laborers, the
+genius of its scientists, the hopes of its children. This is not
+a way of life at all in any true sense. Under the clouds of war, it
+is humanity hanging on a cross of iron.
+ -- Dwight Eisenhower, 1953
+%
+Every little picofarad has a nanohenry all its own.
+ -- Don Vonada
+%
+Every love's the love before
+In a duller dress.
+ -- Dorothy Parker, "Summary"
+%
+Every man is apt to form his notions of things difficult to be apprehended,
+or less familiar, from their analogy to things which are more familiar.
+Thus, if a man bred to the seafaring life, and accustomed to think and talk
+only of matters relating to navigation, enters into discourse upon any other
+subject; it is well known, that the language and the notions proper to his
+own profession are infused into every subject, and all things are measured
+by the rules of navigation: and if he should take it into his head to
+philosophize concerning the faculties of the mind, it cannot be doubted,
+but he would draw his notions from the fabric of the ship, and would find
+in the mind, sails, masts, rudder, and compass.
+ -- Thomas Reid, "An Inquiry into the Human Mind", 1764
+%
+Every man is as God made him, ay, and often worse.
+ -- Miguel de Cervantes
+%
+Every man takes the limits of his own field
+of vision for the limits of the world.
+ -- Schopenhauer
+%
+Every man thinks God is on his side. The rich
+and powerful know that he is.
+ -- Jean Anouilh, "The Lark"
+%
+Every man who has reached even his intellectual teens begins to suspect
+that life is no farce; that it is not genteel comedy even; that it flowers
+and fructifies on the contrary out of the profoundest tragic depths of the
+essential death in which its subject's roots are plunged. The natural
+inheritance of everyone who is capable of spiritual life is an unsubdued
+forest where the wolf howls and the obscene bird of night chatters.
+ -- Henry James Sr., writing to his sons Henry and William
+%
+Every man who is high up likes to think that he has done
+it all himself, and the wife smiles and lets it go at that.
+ -- Barrie
+%
+Every morning in Africa, a gazelle wakes up. It knows it must run faster
+than the fastest lion or it will be killed. Every morning a lion wakes up.
+It knows it must outrun the slowest gazelle or it will starve to death.
+It doesn't matter whether you are a lion or a gazelle: when the sun comes
+up, you'd better be running.
+%
+Every morning is a Smirnoff morning.
+%
+Every night my prayers I say,
+ And get my dinner every day;
+And every day that I've been good,
+ I get an orange after food.
+The child that is not clean and neat,
+ With lots of toys and things to eat,
+He is a naughty child, I'm sure--
+ Or else his dear papa is poor.
+ -- Robert Louis Stevenson
+%
+Every one says that politicians lie all the time, and that just isn't so!
+But you do have to understand body language to know when they're lying and
+when they aren't.
+
+ When a politician rubs his nose, he isn't lying.
+ When a politician tugs on his ear, he isn't lying.
+ When a politician scratches his colar bone, he isn't lying.
+ When his mouth starts moving, that's when he's lying!
+%
+Every paper published in a respectable journal should have a preface by
+the author stating why he is publishing the article, and what value he
+sees in it. I have no hope that this practice will ever be adopted.
+ -- Morris Kline
+%
+Every path has its puddle.
+%
+Every person, all the events in your life are there because you have
+drawn them there. What you choose to do with them is up to you.
+ -- Messiah's Handbook : Reminders for the Advanced Soul
+%
+Every program has at least one bug and can be shortened by at least one
+instruction -- from which, by induction, one can deduce that every program
+can be reduced to one instruction which doesn't work.
+%
+Every program has (at least) two purposes:
+ the one for which it was written and another for which it wasn't.
+%
+Every silver lining has a cloud around it.
+%
+Every Solidarity center had piles and piles of paper ... everyone was
+eating paper and a policeman was at the door. Now all you have to do is
+bend a disk.
+ -- A member of the outlawed Polish trade union, Solidarity,
+ commenting on the benefits of using computers in support
+ of their movement.
+%
+Every successful person has had failures
+but repeated failure is no guarantee of eventual success.
+%
+Every suicide is a solution to a problem.
+ -- Jean Baechler
+%
+Every time I look at you I am more convinced of Darwin's theory.
+%
+Every time I lose weight, it finds me again!
+%
+Every time I think I know where it's at, they move it.
+%
+Every time you manage to close the door on
+Reality, it comes in through the window.
+%
+Every why hath a wherefore.
+ -- William Shakespeare, "A Comedy of Errors"
+%
+Every word is like an unnecessary stain on silence and nothingness.
+ -- Beckett
+%
+Every young man should have a hobby: learning how to handle money is
+the best one.
+ -- Jack Hurley
+%
+Everybody but Sam had signed up for a new company pension plan that
+called for a small employee contribution. The company was paying all
+the rest. Unfortunately, 100% employee participation was needed;
+otherwise the plan was off. Sam's boss and his fellow workers pleaded
+and cajoled, but to no avail. Sam said the plan would never pay off.
+Finally the company president called Sam into his office.
+ "Sam," he said, "here's a copy of the new pension plan and here's
+a pen. I want you to sign the papers. I'm sorry, but if you don't sign,
+you're fired. As of right now."
+ Sam signed the papers immediately.
+ "Now," said the president, "would you mind telling me why you
+couldn't have signed earlier?"
+ "Well, sir," replied Sam, "nobody explained it to me quite so
+clearly before."
+%
+Everybody has something to conceal.
+ -- Humphrey Bogart
+%
+Everybody is given the same amount of hormones, at birth, and
+if you want to use yours for growing hair, that's fine with me.
+%
+Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
+ -- Edsger W. Dijkstra
+%
+Everybody knows that the dice are loaded. Everybody rolls with their
+fingers crossed. Everybody knows the war is over. Everybody knows the
+good guys lost. Everybody knows the fight was fixed: the poor stay
+poor, the rich get rich. That's how it goes. Everybody knows.
+
+Everybody knows that the boat is leaking. Everybody knows the captain
+lied. Everybody got this broken feeling like their father or their dog
+just died.
+
+Everybody talking to their pockets. Everybody wants a box of chocolates
+and long stem rose. Everybody knows.
+
+Everybody knows that you love me, baby. Everybody knows that you really
+do. Everybody knows that you've been faithful, give or take a night or
+two. Everybody knows you've been discreet, but there were so many people
+you just had to meet without your clothes. And everybody knows.
+
+And everybody knows it's now or never. Everybody knows that it's me or you.
+And everybody knows that you live forever when you've done a line or two.
+Everybody knows the deal is rotten: Old Black Joe's still pickin' cotton
+for you ribbons and bows. And everybody knows.
+ -- Leonard Cohen, "Everybody Knows"
+%
+Everybody likes a kidder, but nobody lends him money.
+ -- Arthur Miller
+%
+Everybody needs a little love sometime;
+stop hacking and fall in love!
+%
+Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.
+%
+Everyone can be taught to sculpt: Michelangelo would have had
+to be taught how not to. So it is with the great programmers.
+%
+Everyone complains of his memory, no one of his judgement.
+%
+Everyone hates me because I'm paranoid.
+%
+Everyone is entitled to my opinion.
+%
+Everyone is in the best seat.
+ -- John Cage
+%
+Everyone is more or less mad on one point.
+ -- Rudyard Kipling
+%
+Everyone knows that dragons don't exist. But while this simplistic
+formulation may satisfy the layman, it does not suffice for the
+scientific mind. The School of Higher Neantical Nillity is in fact
+wholly unconcerned with what DOES exist. Indeed, the banality of
+existence has been so amply demonstrated, there is no need for us
+to discuss it any further here. The brilliant Cerebron, attacking
+the problem analytically, discovered three distinct kinds of dragon:
+the mythical, the chimerical, and the purely hypothetical. They were
+all, one might say, nonexistent, but each nonexisted in an entirely
+different way...
+%
+Everyone wants results, but no one is willing to do what it takes
+to get them.
+ -- Dirty Harry
+%
+Everyone was born right-handed.
+Only the greatest overcome it.
+%
+Everyone who comes in here wants three things:
+ 1. They want it quick.
+ 2. They want it good.
+ 3. They want it cheap.
+I tell 'em to pick two and call me back.
+ -- sign on the back wall of a small printing company
+%
+Everyone's in a high place when you're on your knees.
+%
+Everything bows to success, even grammar.
+%
+Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous".
+%
+Everything ends badly. Otherwise it wouldn't end.
+%
+Everything I like is either illegal, immoral or fattening.
+ -- Alexander Woollcott
+%
+Everything in this book may be wrong.
+ -- Messiah's Handbook : Reminders for the Advanced Soul
+%
+Everything is controlled by a small evil group
+to which, unfortunately, no one we know belongs.
+%
+Everything is possible. Pass the word.
+ -- Rita Mae Brown, "Six of One"
+%
+Everything might be different in the present
+if only one thing had been different in the past.
+%
+Everything should be built top-down, except the first time.
+%
+Everything should be built top-down, except this time.
+%
+Everything should be made as simple as possible, but not simpler.
+ -- Albert Einstein
+%
+Everything takes longer, costs more, and is less useful.
+ -- Erwin Tomash
+%
+Everything that can be invented has been invented.
+ -- Charles Duell, Director of U.S. Patent Office, 1899
+%
+Everything that you know is wrong, but you can be straightened out.
+%
+Everything will be just tickety-boo today.
+%
+Everything you know is wrong!
+%
+Everything you read in newspapers is absolutely true, except for that
+rare story of which you happen to have first-hand knowledge.
+ -- Erwin Knoll
+%
+Everything you've learned in school as "obvious" becomes less and less
+obvious as you begin to study the universe. For example, there are no
+solids in the universe. There's not even a suggestion of a solid.
+There are no absolute continuums. There are no surfaces. There are no
+straight lines.
+ -- R. Buckminster Fuller
+%
+Everything's great in this good old world;
+(This is the stuff they can always use.)
+God's in his heaven, the hill's dew-pearled;
+(This will provide for baby's shoes.)
+Hunger and War do not mean a thing;
+Everything's rosy where'er we roam;
+Hark, how the little birds gaily sing!
+(This is what fetches the bacon home.)
+ -- Dorothy Parker, "The Far Sighted Muse"
+%
+Everywhere I go I'm asked if I think the university stifles writers. My
+opinion is that they don't stifle enough of them. There's many a bestseller
+that could have been prevented by a good teacher.
+ -- Flannery O'Connor
+%
+Everywhere you go you'll see them searching,
+Everywhere you turn you'll feel the pain,
+Everyone is looking for the answer,
+Well look again.
+ -- Moody Blues, "Lost in a Lost World"
+%
+Evil is that which one believes of others. It is a sin to believe evil
+of others, but it is seldom a mistake.
+ -- H.L. Mencken
+%
+Evolution is a million line computer
+program falling into place by accident.
+%
+Evolution is as much a fact as the earth turning on its axis and going around
+the sun. At one time this was called the Copernican theory; but, when
+evidence for a theory becomes so overwhelming that no informed person can
+doubt it, it is customary for scientists to call it a fact. That all present
+life descended from earlier forms, over vast stretches of geologic time, is
+as firmly established as Copernican cosmology. Biologists differ only with
+respect to theories about how the process operates.
+ -- Martin Gardner, "Irving Kristol and the Facts of Life".
+%
+Examinations are formidable even to the best prepared, for even
+the greatest fool may ask more than the wisest man can answer.
+ -- C.C. Colton
+%
+Example is not the main thing in influencing others.
+It is the only thing.
+ -- Albert Schweitzer
+%
+Excellent day for drinking heavily.
+Spike the office water cooler.
+%
+Excellent day to have a rotten day.
+%
+Excellent time to become a missing person.
+%
+Exceptions prove the rule, and wreck the budget.
+ -- Miller
+%
+Excerpt from a conversation between a customer support person and a
+customer working for a well-known military-affiliated research lab:
+
+Support: "You're not our only customer, you know."
+Customer: "But we're one of the few with tactical nuclear weapons."
+%
+Excess on occasion is exhilarating. It prevents moderation from
+acquiring the deadening effect of a habit.
+ -- W. Somerset Maugham
+%
+Excessive login messages is a sure sign of senility.
+%
+Execute every act of thy life as though it were thy last.
+ -- Marcus Aurelius
+%
+Executive ability is prominent in your make-up.
+%
+Exercise caution in your daily affairs.
+%
+Exhilaration is that feeling you get just after a great idea hits you,
+and just before you realize what is wrong with it.
+%
+Expansion means complexity; and complexity decay.
+%
+Expect a letter from a friend who will ask a favor of you.
+%
+Expect the worst, it's the least you can do.
+%
+Expedience is the best teacher.
+%
+Expense accounts, n:
+ Corporate food stamps.
+%
+Experience is a good teacher, but she sends in terrific bills.
+ -- Minna Antrim, "Naked Truth and Veiled Allusions"
+%
+Experience is not what happens to you;
+it is what you do with what happens to you.
+ -- Aldous Huxley
+%
+Experience is that marvelous thing that enables
+you recognize a mistake when you make it again.
+ -- Franklin Jones
+%
+Experience is the worst teacher. It always
+gives the test first and the instruction afterward.
+%
+Experience is what causes a person
+to make new mistakes instead of old ones.
+%
+Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted.
+%
+Experience is what you get when you were expecting something else.
+%
+Experience, n:
+ Something you don't get until just after you need it.
+ -- Olivier
+%
+Experience teaches you that the man who looks you straight in the eye,
+particularly if he adds a firm handshake, is hiding something.
+ -- Clifton Fadiman, "Enter Conversing"
+%
+Experience varies directly with equipment ruined.
+%
+Experiments must be reproducible; they should all fail in the same way.
+%
+External Security:
+%
+Extraordinary claims demand extraordinary proof. There are many examples
+of outsiders who eventually overthrew entrenched scientific orthodoxies,
+but they prevailed with irrefutable data. More often, egregious findings
+that contradict well-established research turn out to be artifacts. I have
+argued that accepting psychic powers, reincarnation, "cosmic consciousness,"
+and the like, would entail fundamental revisions of the foundations of
+neuroscience. Before abandoning materialist theories of mind that have paid
+handsome dividends, we should insist on better evidence for psi phenomena
+than presently exists, especially when neurology and psychology themselves
+offer more plausible alternatives.
+ -- Barry L. Beyerstein, "The Brain and Consciousness:
+ Implications for Psi Phenomena".
+%
+Extreme fear can neither fight nor fly.
+ -- William Shakespeare, "The Rape of Lucrece"
+%
+Extremism in the defense of liberty is no vice... moderation in the pursuit
+of justice is no virtue.
+ -- Barry Goldwater
+%
+f u cn rd ths, itn tyg h myxbl cd.
+%
+f u cn rd ths, u cn gt a gd jb n cmptr prgrmmng.
+%
+F u cn rd ths u cnt spl wrth a dm!
+%
+f u cn rd ths, u r prbbly a lsy spllr.
+%
+FACILITY REJECTED 100044200000;
+%
+Factorials were someone's attempt to make math LOOK exciting.
+%
+Facts, apart from their relationships, are like labels on empty bottles.
+ -- Sven Italla
+%
+Facts are the enemy of truth.
+ -- Don Quixote
+%
+Facts do not cease to exist because they are ignored.
+ -- Aldous Huxley
+%
+Failed Attempts To Break Records
+ In September 1978 Mr. Terry Gripton, of Stafford, failed to break
+the world shouting record by two and a half decibels. "I am not surprised
+he failed," his wife said afterwards. "He's really a very quiet man and
+doesn't even shout at me."
+ In August of the same year Mr. Paul Anthony failed to break the
+record for continuous organ playing by 387 hours.
+ His attempt at the Golden Fish Fry Restaurant in Manchester ended
+after 36 hours 10 minutes, when he was accused of disturbing the peace.
+"People complained I was too noisy," he said.
+ In January 1976 Mr. Barry McQueen failed to walk backwards across
+the Menai Bridge playing the bagpipes. "It was raining heavily and my
+drone got waterlogged," he said.
+ A TV cameraman thwarted Mr. Bob Specas' attempt to topple 100,000
+dominoes at the Manhattan Center, New York on 9 June 1978. 97,500 dominoes
+had been set up when he dropped his press badge and set them off.
+ -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
+%
+Failure is more frequently from want of energy than want of capital.
+%
+Fain would I climb, yet fear I to fall.
+ -- Sir Walter Raleigh
+%
+Fairy tale:
+ A horror story to prepare children for the newspapers.
+%
+Faith goes out through the window when beauty comes in at the door.
+%
+Faith is the quality that enables you to eat blackberry jam
+on a picnic without looking to see whether the seeds move.
+%
+Faith is under the left nipple.
+ -- Martin Luther
+%
+Faith, n:
+ That quality which enables us to
+ believe what we know to be untrue.
+%
+Fakir, n:
+ A psychologist whose charismatic data have inspired almost
+ religious devotion in his followers, even though the sources
+ seem to have shinnied up a rope and vanished.
+%
+Falling in Love
+ When two people have been on enough dates, they generally fall in
+love. You can tell you're in love by the way you feel: your head becomes
+light, your heart leaps within you, you feel like you're walking on air,
+and the whole world seems like a wonderful and happy place. Unfortunately,
+these are also the four warning signs of colon disease, so it's always a
+good idea to check with your doctor.
+ -- Dave Barry
+%
+Falling in love is a lot like dying.
+You never get to do it enough to become good at it.
+%
+Falling in love makes smoking pot all day look like the ultimate in
+restraint.
+ -- Dave Sim, author of "Cerebus".
+%
+Fame is a vapor; popularity an accident;
+the only earthly certainty is oblivion.
+ -- Mark Twain
+%
+Fame lost its appeal for me when I went into a public restroom and an
+autograph seeker handed me a pen and paper under the stall door.
+ -- Marlo Thomas
+%
+Fame may be fleeting but obscurity is forever.
+%
+Familiarity breeds attempt.
+%
+Familiarity breeds contempt -- and children.
+ -- Mark Twain
+%
+Families, when a child is born
+Want it to be intelligent.
+I, through intelligence,
+Having wrecked my whole life,
+Only hope the baby will prove
+Ignorant and stupid.
+Then he will crown a tranquil life
+By becoming a Cabinet Minister
+ -- Su Tung-p'o
+%
+Famous last words:
+%
+Famous last words:
+ 1: Don't unplug it, it will just take a moment to fix.
+ 2: Let's take the shortcut, he can't see us from there.
+ 3: What happens if you touch these two wires tog...
+ 4: We won't need reservations.
+ 5: It's always sunny there this time of the year.
+ 6: Don't worry, it's not loaded.
+ 7: They'd never (be stupid enough to) make him a manager.
+ 8: Don't worry! Women love it!
+%
+Fanaticism consists of redoubling your effort when you have
+forgotten your aim.
+ -- George Santayana
+%
+"Fantasies are free."
+"NO!! NO!! It's the thought police!!!!"
+%
+Far back in the mists of ancient time, in the great and glorious days of the
+former Galactic Empire, life was wild, rich and largely tax free.
+
+Mighty starships plied their way between exotic suns, seeking adventure and
+reward among the furthest reaches of Galactic space. In those days, spirits
+were brave, the stakes were high, men were real men, women were real women
+and small furry creatures from Alpha Centauri were real small furry creatures
+from Alpha Centauri. And all dared to brave unknown terrors, to do mighty
+deeds, to boldly split infinitives that no man had split before -- and thus
+was the Empire forged.
+ -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
+%
+Far duller than a serpent's tooth it is to spend a quiet youth.
+%
+Far out in the uncharted backwaters of the unfashionable end of the Western
+Spiral arm of the Galaxy lies a small unregarded yellow sun. Orbiting this
+at a distance of roughly ninety-eight million miles is an utterly
+insignificant little blue-green planet whose ape-descended life forms are
+so amazingly primitive that they still think digital watches are a pretty
+neat idea.
+ -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhicker's Guide to the Galaxy"
+%
+Farmers in the Iowa State survey rated machinery breakdowns more
+stressful than divorce.
+ -- Wall Street Journal
+%
+Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter
+it every six months.
+ -- Oscar Wilde
+%
+Fashions have done more harm than revolutions.
+ -- Victor Hugo
+%
+Fast, cheap, good: pick two.
+%
+Fast ship? You mean you've never heard of the Millennium Falcon?
+ -- Han Solo
+%
+Faster, faster, you fool, you fool!
+ -- Bill Cosby
+%
+Fat Liberation: because a waist is a terrible thing to mind.
+%
+Fat people of the world unite, we've got nothing to lose!
+%
+Father: Son, it's time we talked about sex.
+Son: Sure, Dad, what do you want to know?
+%
+Fats Loves Madelyn.
+%
+Fay: The British police force used to be run by men of integrity.
+Truscott: That is a mistake which has been rectified.
+ -- Joe Orton, "Loot"
+%
+FEAR:
+ What you feel when you see a U-Haul with Texas license plates.
+%
+Fear and loathing, my man, fear and loathing.
+ -- H.S. Thompson
+%
+Fear is the greatest salesman.
+ -- Robert Klein
+%
+feature, n:
+ A surprising property of a program. Occasionally documented. To
+ call a property a feature sometimes means the author did not
+ consider that case, and the program makes an unexpected, though
+ not necessarily wrong response. See BUG. "That's not a bug, it's
+ a feature!" A bug can be changed to a feature by documenting it.
+%
+Federal grants are offered for... research into the recreation
+potential of interplanetary space travel for the culturally
+disadvantaged.
+%
+Feel disillusioned?
+I've got some great new illusions, right here!
+%
+Feeling amorous, she looked under the sheets and cried, "Oh, no,
+it's Microsoft!"
+%
+Felix Catus is your taxonomic nomenclature,
+An endothermic quadruped, carnivorous by nature.
+Your visual, olfactory, and auditory senses
+Contribute to your hunting skills and natural defenses.
+I find myself intrigued by your sub-vocal oscillations,
+A singular development of cat communications
+That obviates your basic hedonistic predilection
+For a rhythmic stroking of your fur to demonstrate affection.
+A tail is quite essential for your acrobatic talents:
+You would not be so agile if you lacked its counterbalance;
+And when not being utilised to aid in locomotion,
+It often serves to illustrate the state of your emotion.
+Oh Spot, the complex levels of behavior you display
+Connote a fairly well-developed cognitive array.
+And though you are not sentient, Spot, and do not comprehend,
+I nonetheless consider you a true and valued friend.
+ -- Lt. Cmdr. Data, "An Ode to Spot"
+%
+Fellow programmer, greetings! You are reading a letter which will bring
+you luck and good fortune. Just mail (or UUCP) ten copies of this letter
+to ten of your friends. Before you make the copies, send a chip or
+other bit of hardware, and 100 lines of 'C' code to the first person on the
+list given at the bottom of this letter. Then delete their name and add
+yours to the bottom of the list.
+
+Don't break the chain! Make the copy within 48 hours. Gerald R. of San
+Diego failed to send out his ten copies and woke the next morning to find
+his job description changed to "COBOL programmer." Fred A. of New York sent
+out his ten copies and within a month had enough hardware and software to
+build a Cray dedicated to playing Zork. Martha H. of Chicago laughed at
+this letter and broke the chain. Shortly thereafter, a fire broke out in
+her terminal and she now spends her days writing documentation for IBM PC's.
+
+Don't break the chain! Send out your ten copies today!
+%
+Female rabbits:
+ The gift that just "keeps on giving."
+%
+FENDERBERG:
+ The large glacial deposits that form on the insides
+ of car fenders during snowstorms.
+ -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
+%
+Ferguson's Precept:
+ A crisis is when you can't say "let's forget the whole thing."
+%
+Fertility is hereditary. If your parents
+didn't have any children, neither will you.
+%
+Fess: Well, you must admit there is something innately humorous about
+ a man chasing an invention of his own halfway across the galaxy.
+Rod: Oh yeah, it's a million yuks, sure. But after all, isn't that the
+ basic difference between robots and humans?
+Fess: What, the ability to form imaginary constructs?
+Rod: No, the ability to get hung up on them.
+ -- Christopher Stasheff, "The Warlock in Spite of Himself"
+%
+Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example.
+ -- Mark Twain
+%
+Fidelity, n:
+ A virtue peculiar to those who are about to be betrayed.
+%
+Fifteen men on a dead man's chest,
+Yo-ho-ho and a bottle of rum!
+Drink and the devil had done for the rest,
+Yo-ho-ho and a bottle of rum!
+ -- Stevenson, "Treasure Island"
+%
+Fifth Law of Applied Terror:
+ If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book.
+Corollary:
+ If you are given a take-home exam, you will forget where you live.
+%
+File cabinet:
+ A four drawer, manually activated trash compactor.
+%
+filibuster, n:
+ Throwing your wait around.
+%
+Fill what's empty, empty what's full, scratch where it itches.
+ -- Alice Roosevelt Longworth
+%
+Finagle's Creed:
+ Science is true. Don't be misled by facts.
+%
+Finagle's Eighth Law:
+ If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.
+
+Finagle's Ninth Law:
+ No matter what results are expected,
+ someone is always willing to fake it.
+
+Finagle's Tenth Law:
+ No matter what the result someone
+ is always eager to misinterpret it.
+
+Finagle's Eleventh Law:
+ No matter what occurs, someone believes
+ it happened according to his pet theory.
+%
+Finagle's First Law:
+ To study a subject best, understand it thoroughly before you start.
+
+Finagle's Second Law:
+ Always keep a record of data -- it indicates you've been working.
+
+Finagle's Fourth Law:
+ Once a job is fouled up,
+ anything done to improve it only makes it worse.
+
+Finagle's Fifth Law:
+ Always draw your curves, then plot your readings.
+
+Finagle's Sixth Law:
+ Don't believe in miracles -- rely on them.
+%
+Finagle's Seventh Law:
+ The perversity of the universe tends toward a maximum.
+%
+Finagle's Third Law:
+ In any collection of data, the figure most obviously correct,
+ beyond all need of checking, is the mistake.
+
+Corollaries:
+ 1. Nobody whom you ask for help will see it.
+ 2. The first person who stops by, whose advice you really
+ don't want to hear, will see it immediately.
+%
+Finality is death.
+Perfection is finality.
+Nothing is perfect.
+There are lumps in it.
+%
+Fine day for friends.
+So-so day for you.
+%
+Fine day to throw a party. Throw him as far as you can.
+%
+Fine day to work off excess energy. Steal something heavy.
+%
+Finster's Law:
+A closed mouth gathers no feet.
+%
+First Law of Bicycling:
+ No matter which way you ride, it's uphill and against the wind.
+%
+First law of debate:
+ Never argue with a fool. People might not know the difference.
+%
+First Law of Procrastination:
+ Procrastination shortens the job and places the responsibility
+ for its termination on someone else (i.e., the authority who
+ imposed the deadline).
+
+Fifth Law of Procrastination:
+ Procrastination avoids boredom; one never has the feeling that
+ there is nothing important to do.
+%
+First Law of Socio-Genetics:
+ Celibacy is not hereditary.
+%
+First love is only a little foolishness and a lot of curiosity, no really
+self-respecting woman would take advantage of it.
+ -- George Bernard Shaw, "John Bull's Other Island"
+%
+First Rule of History:
+ History doesn't repeat itself --
+ historians merely repeat each other.
+%
+First rule of public speaking.
+ First, tell 'em what you're goin' to tell 'em;
+ then tell 'em;
+ then tell 'em what you've tole 'em.
+%
+First there was Dial-A-Prayer, then Dial-A-Recipe, and even Dial-A-Footballer.
+But the south-east Victorian town of Sale has produced one to top them all.
+Dial-A-Wombat.
+ It all began early yesterday when Sale police received a telephone
+call: "You won't believe this, and I'm not drunk, but there's a wombat in the
+phone booth outside the town hall," the caller said.
+ Not firmly convinced about the caller's claim to sobriety, members of
+the constabulary drove to the scene, expecting to pick up a drunk.
+ But there it was, an annoyed wombat, trapped in a telephone booth.
+ The wombat, determined not to be had the better of again, threw its
+bulk into the fray. It was eventually lassoed and released in a nearby scrub.
+ Then the officers received another message ... another wombat in
+another phone booth.
+ There it was: *Another* angry wombat trapped in a telephone booth.
+ The constables took the miffed marsupial into temporary custody and
+released it, too, in the scrub.
+ But on their way back to the station they happened to pass another
+telephone booth, and -- you guessed it -- another imprisoned wombat.
+ After some serious detective work, the lads in blue found a suspect,
+and after questioning, released him to be charged on summons.
+ Their problem ... they cannot find a law against placing wombats in
+telephone booths.
+ -- "Newcastle Morning Herald", WSW Australia, Aug 1980.
+%
+"First World" nations are the ones where people drive Japanese cars;
+"Second World" nations are where First World residents go on vacation;
+and "Third World" nations are the ones where people still dive out of
+trees to prove their manhood.
+ -- Dave Barry
+%
+Fishbowl, n:
+ A glass-enclosed isolation cell where newly
+ promoted managers are kept for observation.
+%
+Fishing, with me, has always been an excuse to drink in the daytime.
+ -- Jimmy Cannon
+%
+Five bicycles make a volkswagen, seven make a truck.
+ -- Adolfo Guzman
+%
+Five is a sufficiently close approximation to infinity.
+ -- Robert Firth
+%
+Five names that I can hardly stand to hear,
+Including yours and mine and one more chimp who isn't here,
+I can see the ladies talking how the times is gettin' hard,
+And that fearsome excavation on Magnolia boulevard,
+Yes, I'm goin' insane,
+And I'm laughing at the frozen rain,
+Well, I'm so alone, honey when they gonna send me home?
+ Bad sneakers and a pina colada my friend,
+ Stopping on the avenue by Radio City, with a
+ Transistor and a large sum of money to spend...
+You fellah, you tearin' up the street,
+You wear that white tuxedo, how you gonna beat the heat,
+Do you take me for a fool, do you think that I don't see,
+That ditch out in the Valley that they're diggin' just for me,
+Yes, and goin' insane,
+You know I'm laughin' at the frozen rain,
+Feel like I'm so alone, honey when they gonna send me home?
+(chorus)
+ -- Bad Sneakers, "Steely Dan"
+%
+Five people -- an Englishman, Russian, American, Frenchman and Irishman
+were each asked to write a book on elephants. Some amount of time later they
+had all completed their respective books. The Englishman's book was entitled
+"The Elephant -- How to Collect Them", the Russian's "The Elephant -- Vol. I",
+the American's "The Elephant -- How to Make Money from Them", the Frenchman's
+"The Elephant -- Its Mating Habits" and the Irishman's "The Elephant and
+Irish Political History".
+%
+Five rules for eternal misery:
+ 1) Always try to exhort others to look upon you favorably.
+ 2) Make lots of assumptions about situations and be sure to
+ treat these assumptions as though they are reality.
+ 3) Then treat each new situation as though it's a crisis.
+ 4) Live in the past and future only (become obsessed with
+ how much better things might have been or how much worse
+ things might become).
+ 5) Occasionally stomp on yourself for being so stupid as to
+ follow the first four rules.
+%
+Flame on!
+ -- Johnny Storm
+%
+FLANNISTER:
+ The plastic yoke that holds a six-pack of beer together.
+ -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
+%
+FLASH!
+Intelligence of mankind decreasing.
+Details at ... uh, when the little hand is on the ....
+%
+Flattery is like cologne -- to be smelled, but not swallowed.
+ -- Josh Billings
+%
+Flattery will get you everywhere.
+%
+Flee at once, all is discovered.
+%
+Flirting is the gentle art of making a man feel pleased with himself.
+ -- Helen Rowland
+%
+Flon's Law:
+ There is not now, and never will be, a language in
+ which it is the least bit difficult to write bad programs.
+%
+flowchart, n. & v.
+ [From flow "to ripple down in rich profusion, as hair" + chart
+ "a cryptic hidden-treasure map designed to mislead the uninitiated."]
+ 1. n. The solution, if any, to a class of Mascheroni
+ construction problems in which given algorithms require geometrical
+ representation using only the 35 basic ideograms of the ANSI
+ template. 2. n. Neronic doodling while the system burns.
+ 3. n. A low-cost substitute for wallpaper. 4. n. The innumerate
+ misleading the illiterate. "A thousand pictures is worth ten lines
+ of code." --The Programmer's Little Red Vade Mecum, Mao Tse T'umps.
+ 5. v.intrans. To produce flowcharts with no particular object in mind.
+ 6. v.trans. To obfuscate (a problem) with esoteric cartoons.
+ -- S. Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary"
+%
+Flugg's Law:
+ When you need to knock on wood is when you realize
+ that the world is composed of vinyl, naugahyde and aluminum.
+%
+Fly me away to the bright side of the moon ...
+%
+Flying is the second greatest feeling you can have. The greatest feeling?
+Landing... Landing is the greatest feeling you can have.
+%
+Fog Lamps, n:
+ Excessively (often obnoxiously) bright lamps mounted on the fronts
+ of automobiles; used on dry, clear nights to indicate that the
+ driver's brain is in a fog. See also "Idiot Lights".
+%
+"Follow me around. I don't care. I'm serious. If anybody wants to put a
+tail on me, go ahead. They'd be very bored."
+ -- Gary Hart, announcing his presidential candidacy,
+ commenting on rumors of womanizing.
+%
+Foolproof Operation:
+ No provision for adjustment.
+%
+Fools rush in -- and get the best seats in the house.
+%
+Football builds self-discipline. What else would induce
+a spectator to sit out in the open in subfreezing weather?
+%
+Football combines the two worst features of American life.
+It is violence punctuated by committee meetings.
+ -- George F. Will, "Men At Work: The Craft of Baseball"
+%
+Football is a game designed to keep coalminers off the streets.
+ -- Jimmy Breslin
+%
+For a holy stint, a moth of the cloth gave up his woolens for lint.
+%
+For a light heart lives long.
+ -- Shakespeare, "Love's Labour's Lost"
+%
+For adult education nothing beats children.
+%
+For an idea to be fashionable is ominous,
+since it must afterwards be always old-fashioned.
+%
+For certain people, after fifty, litigation takes the place of sex.
+ -- Gore Vidal
+%
+For children with short attention spans: boomerangs that don't come back.
+%
+For courage mounteth with occasion.
+ -- William Shakespeare, "King John"
+%
+For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
+ -- Harrison
+%
+For every bloke who makes his mark,
+there's half a dozen waiting to rub it out.
+ -- Andy Capp
+%
+For every credibility gap, there is a gullibility fill.
+ -- R. Clopton
+%
+For every human problem, there is a neat,
+plain solution -- and it is always wrong.
+ -- H.L. Mencken
+%
+For example, if \thinmskip = 3mu, this makes \thickmskip = 6mu. But if
+you also want to use \skip12 for horizontal glue, whether in math mode or
+not, the amount of skipping will be in points (e.g., 6pt). The rule is
+that glue in math mode varies with the size only when it is an \mskip;
+when moving between an mskipand ordinary skip, the conversion factor
+1mu=1pt is always used. The meaning of '\mskip\skip12' and
+'\baselineskip=\the\thickmskip' should be clear.
+ -- Donald Knuth, TeX 82 -- Comparison with TeX80
+%
+For fast-acting relief, try slowing down.
+%
+For flavor, instant sex will never supercede the stuff you have to peel
+and cook.
+ -- Quentin Crisp
+%
+For fools rush in where angels fear to tread.
+ -- Alexander Pope
+%
+For gin, in cruel
+Sober truth,
+Supplies the fuel
+For flaming youth.
+ -- Noel Coward
+%
+For God's sake, stop researching for a while and begin to think!
+%
+For good, return good.
+For evil, return justice.
+%
+For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I do.
+ -- Paul of Tarsus, (Saint Paul)
+%
+For I swore I would stay a year away from her; out and alas!
+but with break of day I went to make supplication.
+ -- Paulus Silentarius, c. 540 A.D.
+%
+For if there is a sin against life, it consists perhaps not so much in
+despairing of life as in hoping for another life and in eluding the
+implacable grandeur of this life.
+ -- Albert Camus
+%
+For knighthood is not in the feats of war,
+As for to fight in quarrel right or wrong,
+But in a cause which truth cannot defer:
+He ought himself for to make sure and strong,
+Just to keep mixt with mercy among:
+And no quarrel a knight ought to take
+But for a truth, or for the common's sake.
+ -- Stephen Hawes
+%
+For men use, if they have an evil turn, to write it in marble:
+and whoso doth us a good turn we write it in dust.
+ -- Sir Thomas More
+%
+For most men life is a search for the proper manila envelope in which to
+get themselves filed.
+ -- Clifton Fadiman
+%
+For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in
+the same room and let them fight it out.
+ -- Stephen Wright
+%
+For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier. I
+put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
+ -- Steven Wright
+%
+For myself, I can only say that I am astonished and somewhat terrified at
+the results of this evening's experiments. Astonished at the wonderful
+power you have developed, and terrified at the thought that so much hideous
+and bad music may be put on record forever.
+ -- Sir Arthur Sullivan, message to Edison, 1888
+%
+For people who like that kind of book,
+that is the kind of book they will like.
+%
+FOR SALE:
+ Parachute. Used once.
+ Never opened. Slightly Stained.
+%
+For some reason a glaze passes over people's faces when you say
+"Canada". Maybe we should invade South Dakota or something.
+ -- Sandra Gotlieb, wife of the Canadian ambassador to the U.S.
+%
+For some reason, this fortune reminds everyone of Marvin Zelkowitz.
+%
+For that matter, compare your pocket computer with the
+massive jobs of a thousand years ago. Why not, then, the
+last step of doing away with computers altogether?"
+ -- Jehan Shuman
+%
+For the fashion of Minas Tirith was such that it was built on seven levels,
+each delved into a hill, and about each was set a wall, and in each wall
+was a gate.
+ -- J.R.R. Tolkien, "The Return of the King"
+
+ [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
+ referring to system overview.]
+
+%
+For the first time we have a weapon that nobody has used for thirty years.
+This gives me great hope for the human race.
+ -- Harlan Ellison
+%
+For the next hour, WE will control all that you see and hear.
+%
+For thee the wonder-working earth puts forth sweet flowers.
+ -- Titus Lucretius Carus
+%
+For there are moments when one can neither think nor feel. And if one can
+neither think nor feel, she thought, where is one?
+ -- Virginia Woolf, "To the Lighthouse"
+
+ [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
+ referring to powerfail recovery.]
+%
+For they starve the frightened little child
+Till it weeps both night and day:
+And they scourge the weak, and flog the fool,
+And gibe the old and grey,
+And some grow mad, and all grow bad,
+And none a word may say.
+
+Each narrow cell in which we dwell
+Is a foul and dark latrine,
+And the fetid breath of living Death
+Chokes up each grated screen,
+And all, but Lust, is turned to dust
+In Humanity's machine.
+
+And all men kill the thing they love,
+By all let this be heard,
+Some do it with a bitter look,
+Some with a flattering word,
+The coward does it with a kiss,
+The brave man with a sword.
+ -- Oscar Wilde
+%
+For thirty years a certain man went to spend every evening with Mme. ___.
+When his wife died his friends believed he would marry her, and urged
+him to do so. "No, no," he said: "if I did, where should I have to
+spend my evenings?"
+ -- Chamfort
+%
+For those of you who have been unfortunate enough to never have tasted the
+'Great Chieftain O' the Pudden Race' (i.e. haggis) here is an easy to follow
+recipe which results in a dish remarkably similar to the above mentioned
+protected species.
+ Ingredients:
+ 1 Sheep's Pluck (heart, lungs, liver) and bag
+ 2 teacupsful toasted oatmeal
+ 1 teaspoonful salt
+ 8 oz. shredded suet
+ 2 small onions
+ 1/2 teaspoonful black pepper
+
+ Scrape and clean bag in cold, then warm, water. Soak in salt water
+overnight. Wash pluck, then boil for 2 hours with windpipe draining over
+the side of pot. Retain 1 pint of stock. Cut off windpipe, remove surplus
+gristle, chop or mince heart and lungs, and grate best part of liver (about
+half only). Parboil and chop onions, mix all together with oatmeal, suet,
+salt, pepper and stock to moisten. Pack the mixture into bag, allowing for
+swelling. Boil for three hours, pricking regularly all over. If bag not
+available, steam in greased basin covered by greaseproof paper and cloth for
+four to five hours.
+%
+For those who like this sort of thing, this is the sort of thing they like.
+ -- Abraham Lincoln
+%
+For three days after death hair and fingernails
+continue to grow, but phone calls taper off.
+ -- Johnny Carson
+%
+For years a secret shame destroyed my peace--
+I'd not read Eliot, Auden or MacNiece.
+But now I think a thought that brings me hope:
+Neither had Chaucer, Shakespeare, Milton, Pope.
+ -- Justin Richardson.
+%
+Force has no place where there is need of skill.
+ -- Herodotus
+%
+"Force is but might," the teacher said--
+"That definition's just."
+The boy said naught but thought instead,
+Remembering his pounded head:
+"Force is not might but must!"
+%
+Force it!!!
+If it breaks, well, it wasn't working anyway...
+No, don't force it, get a bigger hammer.
+%
+FORCE YOURSELF TO RELAX!
+%
+Forecast, n:
+ A prediction of the future, based on the past, for
+ which the forecaster demands payment in the present.
+%
+Forest fires cause Smokey Bears.
+%
+Forgetfulness, n:
+ A gift of God bestowed upon debtors in compensation for
+ their destitution of conscience.
+%
+Forgive and forget.
+ -- Cervantes
+%
+Forgive him,
+for he believes that the customs of his tribe are the laws of nature!
+ -- G.B. Shaw
+%
+Forgive, O Lord, my little jokes on Thee
+And I'll forgive Thy great big one on me.
+ -- Robert Frost
+%
+Forgive your enemies, but don't forget their names.
+ -- John F. Kennedy
+%
+Forsan et haec olim meminisse juvabit.
+%
+FORTH IF HONK THEN
+%
+FORTRAN is a good example of a language
+which is easier to parse using ad hoc techniques.
+ -- D. Gries
+ [What's good about it? Ed.]
+%
+FORTRAN is for pipe stress freaks and crystallography weenies.
+%
+FORTRAN is not a flower but a weed -- it is hardy,
+occasionally blooms, and grows in every computer.
+ -- A.J. Perlis
+%
+FORTRAN is the language of Powerful Computers.
+ -- Steven Feiner
+%
+FORTRAN rots the brain.
+ -- John McQuillin
+%
+FORTRAN, "the infantile disorder", by now nearly 20 years old, is hopelessly
+inadequate for whatever computer application you have in mind today: it is
+too clumsy, too risky, and too expensive to use.
+ -- Edsger W. Dijkstra, SIGPLAN Notices, Volume 17, Number 5
+%
+FORTRAN, "the infantile disorder", by now nearly 20 years old, is
+hopelessly inadequate for whatever computer application you have
+in mind today: it is now too clumsy, too risky, and too expensive
+to use.
+ -- Edsger W. Dijkstra
+%
+[FORTRAN] will persist for some time --
+probably for at least the next decade.
+ -- T. Cheatham
+%
+Fortunate is he for whom the belle toils.
+%
+Fortunately, the responsibility for providing evidence is on the part of
+the person making the claim, not the critic. It is not the responsibility
+of UFO skeptics to prove that a UFO has never existed, nor is it the
+responsibility of paranormal-health-claims skeptics to prove that crystals
+or colored lights never healed anyone. The skeptic's role is to point out
+claims that are not adequately supported by acceptable evidcence and to
+provide plausible alternative explanations that are more in keeping with
+the accepted body of scientific evidence.
+ -- Thomas L. Creed, The Skeptical Inquirer, Vol. XII,
+ No. 2, pg. 215
+%
+Fortune and love befriend the bold.
+ -- Ovid
+%
+FORTUNE ANSWERS THE TOUGH QUESTIONS: #3
+
+Q: Why haven't you graduated yet?
+A: Well, Dad, I could have finished years ago, but I wanted
+ my dissertation to rhyme.
+%
+FORTUNE ANSWERS THE TOUGH QUESTIONS: #8
+
+Q: Is God a myth?
+A: No, He's a mythter.
+%
+fortune: cannot execute. Out of cookies.
+%
+FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #14
+
+Low Blows:
+ Let's say a man and woman are watching a boxing match on TV. One
+of the boxers is felled by a low blow. The woman says "Oh, gee. That must
+hurt." The man doubles over and actually FEELS the pain.
+
+Dressing Up:
+ A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the
+garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will dress up
+for: weddings, funerals. Speaking of weddings, when reminiscing about
+weddings, women talk about "the ceremony". Men laugh about "the bachelor
+party".
+
+David Letterman:
+ Men think David Letterman is the funniest man on the face of the
+Earth. Women think he is a mean, semi-dorky guy who always has a bad
+haircut.
+%
+FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #16
+
+Relationships:
+ First of all, a man does not call a relationship a relationship -- he
+refers to it as "that time when me and Suzie were doing it on a semi-regular
+basis".
+ When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to
+her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled "All Men Are Idiots". Then
+she will get on with her life.
+ A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the
+breakup, at 3:00 a.m. on a Saturday night, he will call and say, "I just
+wanted to let you know you ruined my life, and I'll never forgive you, and I
+hate you, and you're a total floozy. But I want you to know that there's
+always a chance for us". This is known as the "I Hate You / I Love You"
+drunken phone call, that 99% if all men have made at least once. There are
+community colleges that offer courses to help men get over this need; alas,
+these classes rarely prove effective.
+%
+FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #17
+
+Shoes:
+ The average man has 4 pairs of footwear: running shoes, dress shoes,
+boots, and slippers. The average woman has shoes 4 layers thick on the floor
+of her closet. Most of them hurt her feet.
+
+Making friends:
+ A woman will meet another woman with common interests, do a few things
+together, and say something like, "I hope we can be good friends."
+ A man will meet another man with common interests, do a few things
+together, and say nothing. After years of interacting with this other man,
+sharing hopes and fears that he wouldn't confide in his priest or
+psychiatrist, he'll finally let down his guard in a fit of drunken
+sentimentality and say something like, "You know, for someone who's such a
+jerk, I guess you're OK."
+%
+FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #2
+
+Desserts:
+ A woman will generally admire an ornate dessert for the artistic
+work it is, praising its creator and waiting a suitable interval before
+she reluctantly takes a small sliver off one edge. A man will start by
+grabbing the cherry in the center.
+
+Car repair:
+ The average man thinks his Y chromosome contains complete repair
+manuals for every car made since World War II. He will work on a problem
+himself until it either goes away or turns into something that "can't be
+fixed without special tools".
+ The average woman thinks "that funny thump-thump noise" is an
+accurate description of an automotive problem. She will, however, have the
+car serviced at the proper intervals and thereby incur fewer problems than
+the average man.
+%
+FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #4
+
+Weddings:
+ When reminiscing about weddings, women talk about "the ceremony".
+Men talk about "the bachelor party".
+
+Clothes:
+ Men don't discard clothes. The average man still has the gym shirt
+he wore in high school. He thinks a jacket is "just getting broken in" about
+the time it develops holes in the elbows. A man will let new shirts sit on
+the shelf in their original packaging for a couple of years before putting
+them to use, hoping they'll become more comfortable with age.
+ Women think clothes are radioactive, with a half-life of one year.
+They exercise precautions to avoid contamination by last year's fashions.
+%
+FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #5
+
+Trust:
+ The average woman would really like to be told if her mate is fooling
+around behind her back. This same woman wouldn't tell her best friend if
+she knew the best friends' mate was having an affair. She'll tell all her
+OTHER friends, however. The average man won't say anything if he knows that
+one of his friend's mates is fooling around, and he'd rather not know if
+his mate is having an affair either, out of fear that it might be with one
+of his friends. He will tell all his friends about his own affairs, though,
+so they can be ready if he needs an alibi.
+
+Driving:
+
+ A typical man thinks he's Mario Andretti as soon as he slips behind
+the wheel of his car. The fact that it's an 8-year-old Honda doesn't keep
+him from trying to out-accelerate the guy in the Porsche who's attempting
+to cut him off; freeway on-ramps are exciting challenges to see who has The
+Right Stuff on the morning commute. Does he or doesn't he? Only his body
+shop knows for sure. Insurance companies understand this behavior, and
+price their policies accordingly.
+ A woman will slow down to let a car merge in front of her, and get
+rear-ended by another woman who was busy adding the finishing touches to
+her makeup.
+%
+FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #6
+
+Bathrooms:
+ A man has six items in his bathroom -- a toothbrush, toothpaste,
+shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn.
+The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man
+would not be able to identify most of these items.
+
+Groceries:
+ A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes to the store
+and buys these things. A man waits 'til the only items left in his fridge
+are half a lime and a Blue Ribbon. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys
+everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter,
+his cart is packed tighter that the Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies.
+Of course, this will not stop him from entering the 10-items-or-less lane.
+%
+FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #8
+
+Going Out:
+ When a man says he is ready to go out, it means he is ready to go
+out. When a woman says she is ready to go out, it means she WILL be ready
+to go out, as soon as she finds her earring, finishes putting on her makeup,
+checks on the kids, makes a phone call to her best friend...
+
+Cats:
+ Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't
+looking, men kick cats.
+
+Offspring:
+ Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows
+about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends
+and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. Men are vaguely
+aware of some short people living in the house.
+%
+FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #9
+
+Laundry:
+ Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article
+of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight
+years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes,
+he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain
+of clothes to the laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at
+the laundromat. This is a myth.
+
+Nicknames:
+ If Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle get together for lunch,
+they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle. But if
+Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack go out for a brewsky, they will affectionately
+refer to each other as Bullet-Head, Godzilla, Peanut Brain and Useless.
+
+Socks:
+ Men wear sensible socks. They wear standard white sweatsocks.
+Women wear strange socks. They are cut way below the ankles, have pictures
+of clouds on them, and have a big fuzzy ball on the back.
+%
+FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #10
+
+CARTABLANCA:
+ Bogart stars as the owner of a north african nightclub that sells
+ only Mexican beer. Of course, this policy gets him into no end of
+ trouble with the local French authorities who would really prefer
+ wine and the occupying Germans who believe that only their beer is
+ fit to be sold. Wacky events ensue until the gripping climax in
+ which the much-hated German beer distributer is drowned in a vat.
+%
+FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #11
+
+MONOPOLI:
+ Peter Weir's classic film examining the false heroism of parlour
+ games. The powerful ending of the film sees one young man after
+ another charge toward GO, only to senselessly lose his life on the
+ Boardwalk property.
+%
+FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #12
+
+O.E.D.: David Lean, 1969, 3 hours 30 min.
+
+ Lean's version of the Oxford Dictionary has been accused of
+ shallowness in its treatment of a complete work. Omar Sharif
+ tends to overact as aardvark, but Alec Guiness is solid in
+ the role of abbacy. As usual, the photography is stunning.
+ With Julie Christie.
+%
+FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #3
+
+MIRACLE ON 42ND STREET:
+ Santa Claus, in the off season, follows his heart's desire and
+ tries to make it big on Broadway. Santa sings and dances his way
+ into your heart.
+%
+FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #4
+
+WITLESS:
+ Peter Weir directs Sylvester Stallone in the most challenging role
+ of his career. Stallone plays a Philadelphia police officer on the
+ run from corrupt officials. He is wounded and then nursed back to
+ health by Amish Mennonites. Fearful that they might unwittingly
+ reveal his hiding place, he blows them all away.
+%
+FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #5
+
+THE ATOMIC GRANDMOTHER:
+ This humorous but heart-warming story tells of an elderly woman
+ forced to work at a nuclear power plant in order to help the family
+ make ends meet. At night, granny sits on the porch, tells tales
+ of her colorful past, and the family uses her to cook barbecues
+ and to power small electrical appliances. Maureen Stapleton gives
+ a glowing performance.
+%
+FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #6
+
+RAZORBACK: Paul Harbride, 1984, 2 hours 25 min.
+ One of the great Australian films of the early 1980's,
+ and arguably the best movie ever made about a large,
+ man-eating hog. Some violence. With Gregory Harrison.
+%
+FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #7
+
+OUT OF "OUT OF AFRICA":
+ This film is a compilation of selected news clips depicting audiences
+ frantically pushing and shoving to get out of theatres where "Out of
+ Africa" is showing. Many people are trampled to death in the frenzy.
+ Due to its violence and offensive language, not recommended for
+ younger viewers.
+%
+FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #8
+
+THE SMURFS AND THE CUISINART (1986)
+ The lovable little blue Smurfs encounter a lovable little kitchen
+ appliance, which invites them to play. The Smurfs learn a valuable
+ (if sometimes fatal) lesson.
+
+THE SMURFS AND THE CARBON-DIOXIDE INDUSTRIAL LASER (1987)
+ The inevitable sequel. The lovable and somewhat mangled surviving
+ Smurfs team up with the Care Bears to encounter a cute, lovable piece
+ of high-tech welding equipment, which teaches them the magic of
+ becoming rather greasy smoke. Heartwarming fun for the entire family.
+%
+FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #9
+
+THE PARKING PROBLEM IN PARIS: Jean-Luc Godard, 1971, 7 hours 18 min.
+
+ Godard's meditation on the topic has been described as
+ everything from "timeless" to "endless." (Remade by Gene
+ Wilder as NO PLACE TO PARK.)
+%
+Fortune Documents the Great Legal Decisions:
+
+It is a rule of evidence deduced from the experience of mankind and
+supported by reason and authority that positive testimony is entitled to
+more weight than negative testimony, but by the latter term is meant
+negative testimony in its true sense and not positive evidence of a
+negative, because testimony in support of a negative may be as positive
+as that in support of an affirmative.
+ -- 254 Pac. Rep. 472.
+%
+Fortune Documents the Great Legal Decisions:
+
+We can imagine no reason why, with ordinary care, human toes could not be
+left out of chewing tobacco, and if toes are found in chewing tobacco, it
+seems to us that someone has been very careless.
+ -- 78 So. 365.
+%
+Fortune Documents the Great Legal Decisions:
+
+We think that we may take judicial notice of the fact that the term "bitch"
+may imply some feeling of endearment when applied to a female of the canine
+species but that it is seldom, if ever, so used when applied to a female
+of the human race. Coming as it did, reasonably close on the heels of two
+revolver shots directed at the person of whom it was probably used, we think
+it carries every reasonable implication of ill-will toward that person.
+ -- Smith v. Moran, 193 N.E. 2d 466.
+%
+FORTUNE EXPLAINS WHAT JOB REVIEW CATCH PHRASES MEAN: #1
+
+skilled oral communicator:
+ Mumbles inaudibly when attempting to speak. Talks to self.
+ Argues with self. Loses these arguments.
+
+skilled written communicator:
+ Scribbles well. Memos are invariable illegible, except for
+ the portions that attribute recent failures to someone else.
+
+growth potential:
+ With proper guidance, periodic counselling, and remedial training,
+ the reviewee may, given enough time and close supervision, meet
+ the minimum requirements expected of him by the company.
+
+key company figure:
+ Serves as the perfect counter example.
+%
+FORTUNE EXPLAINS WHAT JOB REVIEW CATCH PHRASES MEAN: #4
+
+consistent:
+ Reviewee hasn't gotten anything right yet, and it is anticipated
+ that this pattern will continue throughout the coming year.
+
+an excellent sounding board:
+ Present reviewee with any number of alternatives, and implement
+ them in the order precisely opposite of his/her specification.
+
+a planner and organizer:
+ Usually manages to put on socks before shoes. Can match the
+ animal tags on his clothing.
+%
+FORTUNE EXPLAINS WHAT JOB REVIEW CATCH PHRASES MEAN: #9
+
+has management potential:
+ Because of his intimate relationship with inanimate objects, the
+ reviewee has been appointed to the critical position of department
+ pencil monitor.
+
+inspirational:
+ A true inspiration to others. ("There, but for the grace of God,
+ go I.")
+
+adapts to stress:
+ Passes wind, water, or out depending upon the severity of the
+ situation.
+
+goal oriented:
+ Continually sets low goals for himself, and usually fails
+ to meet them.
+%
+Fortune favors the lucky.
+%
+Fortune finishes the great quotations, #12
+
+ Those who can, do. Those who can't, write the instructions.
+%
+Fortune finishes the great quotations, #15
+
+ "Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses."
+ And while you're at it, throw in a couple of those Dallas
+ Cowboy cheerleaders.
+%
+Fortune finishes the great quotations, #17
+
+ "This bud of love, by summer's ripening breath,
+ May prove a beauteous flower when next we meet."
+ Juliet, this bud's for you.
+%
+Fortune finishes the great quotations, #2
+
+ If at first you don't succeed, think how many people
+ you've made happy.
+%
+Fortune finishes the great quotations, #21
+
+ Shall I compare thee to a Summer day?
+ No, I guess not.
+%
+Fortune finishes the great quotations, #3
+
+ Birds of a feather flock to a newly washed car.
+%
+Fortune finishes the great quotations, #6
+
+ "But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?"
+ It's nothing, honey. Go back to sleep.
+%
+Fortune finishes the great quotations, #9
+
+ A word to the wise is often enough to start an argument.
+%
+fortune: No such file or directory
+%
+fortune: not found
+%
+Fortune presents:
+ USEFUL PHRASES IN ESPERANTO, #1.
+
+^Cu vi parolas angle? Do you speak English?
+Mi ne komprenas. I don't understand.
+Vi estas la sola esperantisto kiun mi You're the only Esperanto speaker
+ renkontas. I've met.
+La ^ceko estas enpo^stigita. The check is in the mail.
+Oni ne povas, ^gin netrovi. You can't miss it.
+Mi nur rigardadas. I'm just looking around.
+Nu, ^sajnis bona ideo. Well, it seemed like a good idea.
+%
+Fortune presents:
+ USEFUL PHRASES IN ESPERANTO, #2.
+
+^Cu tiu loko estas okupita? Is this seat taken?
+^Cu vi ofte venas ^ci-tien? Do you come here often?
+^Cu mi povas havi via telelonnumeron? May I have your phone number?
+Mi estas komputilisto. I work with computers.
+Mi legas multe da scienca fikcio. I read a lot of science fiction.
+^Cu necesas ke vi eliras? Do you really have to be going?
+%
+Fortune presents:
+ USEFUL PHRASES IN ESPERANTO, #5.
+
+Mi ^cevalovipus vin se mi havus I'd horsewhip you if I had a horse.
+ ^cevalon.
+Vere vi ^sercas. You must be kidding.
+Nu, parDOOOOOnu min! Well exCUUUUUSE me!
+Kiu invitis vin? Who invited you?
+Kion vi diris pri mia patrino? What did you say about my mother?
+Bu^so^stopu min per kulero. Gag me with a spoon.
+%
+FORTUNE PRESENTS FAMOUS LAST WORDS: #4
+
+Socrates: I DRANK WHAT!?!?
+Tarzan: Who greased the grape viiiiiiiiiiiinnnneee........
+Al Capone: There's a violin in my violin case!
+Pilot, TWA Fl. #343: What's a mountain goat doing 'way up here?
+%
+FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #13
+
+A: Doc, Happy, Bashful, Dopey, Sneezy, Sleepy, & Grumpy
+Q: Who were the Democratic presidential candidates?
+%
+FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #15
+
+A: The Royal Canadian Mounted Police.
+Q: What was the greatest achievement in taxidermy?
+%
+FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #19
+
+A: To be or not to be.
+Q: What is the square root of 4b^2?
+%
+FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #21
+
+A: Dr. Livingston I. Presume.
+Q: What's Dr. Presume's full name?
+%
+FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #31
+
+A: Chicken Teriyaki.
+Q: What is the name of the world's oldest kamikaze pilot?
+%
+FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #4
+
+A: Go west, young man, go west!
+Q: What do wabbits do when they get tiwed of wunning awound?
+%
+FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #5
+
+A: The Halls of Montezuma and the Shores of Tripoli.
+Q: Name two families whose kids won't join the Marines.
+%
+FORTUNE REMEMBERS THE GREAT MOTHERS: #5
+
+ "And, and, and, and, but, but, but, but!"
+ -- Mrs. Janice Markowsky, April 8, 1965
+%
+FORTUNE REMEMBERS THE GREAT MOTHERS: #6
+
+ "Johnny, if you fall and break your leg, don't come running to me!"
+ -- Mrs. Emily Barstow, June 16, 1954
+%
+Fortune suggests uses for YOUR favorite UNIX commands!
+
+Try:
+ ar t "God"
+ drink < bottle; opener (Bourne Shell)
+ cat "food in tin cans" (all but 4.[23]BSD)
+ Hey UNIX! Got a match? (V6 or C shell)
+ mkdir matter; cat > matter (Bourne Shell)
+ rm God
+ man: Why did you get a divorce? (C shell)
+ date me (anything up to 4.3BSD)
+ make "heads or tails of all this"
+ who is smart
+ (C shell)
+ If I had a ) for every dollar of the national debt, what would I have?
+ sleep with me (anything up to 4.3BSD)
+%
+Fortune's current rates:
+
+ Answers .10
+ Long answers .25
+ Answers requiring thought .50
+ Correct answers $1.00
+
+ Dumb looks are still free.
+%
+Fortune's diet truths:
+1: Forget what the cookbooks say, plain yogurt tastes nothing like sour cream.
+2: Any recipe calling for soybeans tastes like mud.
+3: Carob is not an acceptable substitute for chocolate. In fact, carob is not
+ an acceptable substitute for anything, except, perhaps, brown shoe polish.
+4: There is no such thing as a "fun salad." So let's stop pretending and see
+ salads for what they are: God's punishment for being fat.
+5: Fruit salad without maraschino cherries and marshmallows is about as
+ appealing as tepid beer.
+6: A world lacking gravy is a tragic place!
+7: You should immediately pass up any recipes entitled "luscious and
+ low-cal." Also skip dishes featuring "lively liver." They aren't and
+ it isn't.
+8: Wearing a blindfold often makes many diet foods more palatable.
+9: Fresh fruit is not dessert. CAKE is dessert!
+10: Okra tastes slightly worse than its name implies.
+11: A plain baked potato isn't worth the effort involved in chewing and
+ swallowing.
+%
+Fortune's Exercising Truths:
+
+1: Richard Simmons gets paid to exercise like a lunatic. You don't.
+2. Aerobic exercises stimulate and speed up the heart. So do heart attacks.
+3. Exercising around small children can scar them emotionally for life.
+4. Sweating like a pig and gasping for breath is not refreshing.
+5. No matter what anyone tells you, isometric exercises cannot be done
+ quietly at your desk at work. People will suspect manic tendencies as
+ you twitter around in your chair.
+6. Next to burying bones, the thing a dog enjoys mosts is tripping joggers.
+7. Locking four people in a tiny, cement-walled room so they can run around
+ for an hour smashing a little rubber ball -- and each other -- with a hard
+ racket should immediately be recognized for what it is: a form of insanity.
+8. Fifty push-ups, followed by thirty sit-ups, followed by ten chin-ups,
+ followed by one throw-up.
+9. Any activity that can't be done while smoking should be avoided.
+%
+FORTUNE'S FAVORITE RECIPES: #8
+ Christmas Rum Cake
+
+1 or 2 quarts rum 1 tbsp. baking powder
+1 cup butter 1 tsp. soda
+1 tsp. sugar 1 tbsp. lemon juice
+2 large eggs 2 cups brown sugar
+2 cups dried assorted fruit 3 cups chopped English walnuts
+
+Before you start, sample the rum to check for quality. Good, isn't it? Now
+select a large mixing bowl, measuring cup, etc. Check the rum again. It
+must be just right. Be sure the rum is of the highest quality. Pour one cup
+of rum into a glass and drink it as fast as you can. Repeat. With an electric
+mixer, beat one cup butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add 1 seaspoon of tugar
+and beat again. Meanwhile, make sure the rum teh absolutely highest quality.
+Sample another cup. Open second quart as necessary. Add 2 orge laggs, 2 cups
+of fried druit and beat untill high. If the fried druit gets stuck in the
+beaters, just pry it loose with a screwdriver. Sample the rum again, checking
+for toncisticity. Next sift 3 cups of baking powder, a pinch of rum, a
+seaspoon of toda and a cup of pepper or salt (it really doesn't matter).
+Sample some more. Sift 912 pint of lemon juice. Fold in schopped butter and
+strained chups. Add bablespoon of brown gugar, or whatever color you have.
+Mix mell. Grease oven and turn cake pan to 350 gredees and rake until
+poothtick comes out crean.
+%
+FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #1
+ A guinea pig is not from Guinea but a rodent from South America.
+ A firefly is not a fly, but a beetle.
+ A giant panda bear is really a member of the racoon family.
+ A black panther is really a leopard that has a solid black coat
+ rather than a spotted one.
+ Peanuts are not really nuts. The majority of nuts grow on trees
+ while peauts grow underground. They are classified as a
+ legume-part of the pea family.
+ A cucumber is not a vegetable but a fruit.
+%
+FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #14
+ The Baby Ruth candy bar was not named after George Herman "The Babe"
+Ruth, but after the oldest daughter of President Grover Cleveland.
+%
+FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #37
+ Can you name the seven seas?
+ Antartic, Artic, North Atlantic, South Atlantic, Indian,
+ North Pacific, South Pacific.
+ Can you name the seven dwarfs from Snow White?
+ Doc, Dopey, Sneezy, Happy, Grumpy, Sleepy and Bashful.
+%
+FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #44
+ Zebra's are colored with dark stripes on a light background.
+%
+FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #108
+
+In Memphis, Tennessee, it is illegal for a woman to drive a car unless
+there is a man either running or walking in front of it waving a red
+flag to warn approaching motorists and pedestrians.
+%
+FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #14
+ According to Kentucky state law, every person must take a bath
+at least once a year.
+%
+FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #16
+
+The Arkansas legislature passed a law that states that the Arkansas River
+can rise no higher than to the Main Street bridge in Little Rock.
+%
+FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #19
+ A Los Angeles judge ruled that "a citizen may snore with immunity in
+his own home, even though he may be in possession of unusual and exceptional
+ability in that particular field."
+%
+FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #1
+
+In Blythe, California, a city ordinance declares that a person must own
+at least two cows before he can wear cowboy boots in public.
+%
+FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #2
+ Horses are forbidden to eat fire hydrants in Marshalltown, Iowa.
+%
+FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #3
+ A New York City judge ruled that if two women behind you at the
+movies insist on discussing the probable outcome of the film, you have the
+right to turn around and blow a Bronx cheer at them.
+%
+FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #8
+
+ Idaho state law makes it illegal for a man to give his sweetheart
+a box of candy weighing less than fifty pounds.
+%
+Fortune's Great Moments in History: #3
+
+August 27, 1949:
+ A Hall of Fame opened to honor outstanding members of the
+ Women's Air Corp. It was a WAC's Museum.
+%
+FORTUNE'S GUIDE TO DEALING WITH REAL-LIFE SCIENCE FICTION: #14
+What to do...
+ if reality disappears?
+ Hope this one doesn't happen to you. There isn't much that you
+ can do about it. It will probably be quite unpleasant.
+
+ if you meet an older version of yourself who has invented a time
+ traveling machine, and has come from the future to meet you?
+ Play this one by the book. Ask about the stock market and cash in.
+ Don't forget to invent a time traveling machine and visit your
+ younger self before you die, or you will create a paradox. If you
+ expect this to be tricky, make sure to ask for the principles
+ behind time travel, and possibly schematics. Never, NEVER, ask
+ when you'll die, or if you'll marry your current SO.
+%
+FORTUNE'S GUIDE TO DEALING WITH REAL-LIFE SCIENCE FICTION: #2
+What to do...
+ if you get a phone call from Mars:
+ Speak slowly and be sure to enunciate your words properly. Limit
+ your vocabulary to simple words. Try to determine if you are
+ speaking to someone in a leadership capacity, or an ordinary citizen.
+
+ if he, she or it doesn't speak English?
+ Hang up. There's no sense in trying to learn Martian over the phone.
+ If your Martian really had something important to say to you, he, she
+ or it would have taken the trouble to learn the language before
+ calling.
+
+ if you get a phone call from Jupiter?
+ Explain to your caller, politely but firmly, that being from Jupiter,
+ he, she or it is not "life as we know it". Try to terminate the
+ conversation as soon as possible. It will not profit you, and the
+ charges may have been reversed.
+%
+FORTUNE'S GUIDE TO DEALING WITH REAL-LIFE SCIENCE FICTION: #6
+What to do...
+ if a starship, equipped with an FTL hyperdrive lands in your backyard?
+ First of all, do not run after your camera. You will not have any
+ film, and, given the state of computer animation, noone will believe
+ you anyway. Be polite. Remember, if they have an FTL hyperdrive,
+ they can probably vaporize you, should they find you to be rude.
+ Direct them to the White House lawn, which is where they probably
+ wanted to land, anyway. A good road map should help.
+
+ if you wake up in the middle of the night, and discover that your
+ closet contains an alternate dimension?
+ Don't walk in. You almost certainly will not be able to get back,
+ and alternate dimensions are almost never any fun. Remain calm
+ and go back to bed. Close the door first, so that the cat does not
+ wander off. Check your closet in the morning. If it still contains
+ an alternate dimension, nail it shut.
+%
+Fortune's Guide to Freshman Notetaking:
+
+WHEN THE PROFESSOR SAYS: YOU WRITE:
+
+Probably the greatest quality of the poetry John Milton -- born 1608
+of John Milton, who was born in 1608, is the
+combination of beauty and power. Few have
+excelled him in the use of the English language,
+or for that matter, in lucidity of verse form,
+'Paradise Lost' being said to be the greatest
+single poem ever written."
+
+Current historians have come to Most of the problems that now
+doubt the complete advantageousness face the United States are
+of some of Roosevelt's policies... directly traceable to the
+ bungling and greed of President
+ Roosevelt.
+
+... it is possible that we simply do Professor Mitchell is a
+not understand the Russian viewpoint... communist.
+%
+Fortune's nomination for All-Time Champion and Protector of Youthful Morals
+goes to Representative Clare E. Hoffman of Michigan. During an impassioned
+House debate over a proposed bill to "expand oyster and clam research," a
+sharp-eared informant transcribed the following exchange between our hero
+and Rep. John D. Dingell, also of Michigan.
+
+Dingell: "There are places in the world at the present time where we are
+ having to artifically propogate oysters and clams."
+Hoffman: "You mean the oysters I buy are not nature's oysters?"
+Dingell: "They may or may not be natural. The simple fact of the matter is
+ that female oysters through their living habits cast out large
+ amounts of seed and the male oysters cast out large amounts of
+ fertilization."
+Hoffman: "Wait a minute! I do not want to go into that. There are many
+ teenagers who read The Congressional Record."
+%
+FORTUNE'S PARTY TIPS: #14
+
+ Tired of finding that other people are helping themselves to
+your good liquor at BYOB parties? Take along a candle, which you insert
+and light after you've opened the bottle. No one ever expects anything
+drinkable to be in a bottle which has a candle stuck in its neck.
+%
+Fortune's Rules for Memo Wars: #2
+
+Given the incredible advances in sociocybernetics and telepsychology over
+the last few years, we are now able to completely understand everything that
+the author of an memo is trying to say. Thanks to modern developments
+in electrocommunications like notes, vnews, and electricity, we have an
+incredible level of interunderstanding the likes of which civilization has
+never known. Thus, the possibility of your misinterpreting someone else's
+memo is practically nil. Knowing this, anyone who accuses you of having
+done so is a liar, and should be treated accordingly. If you *do* understand
+the memo in question, but have absolutely nothing of substance to say, then
+you have an excellent opportunity for a vicious ad hominem attack. In fact,
+the only *inappropriate* times for an ad hominem attack are as follows:
+
+ 1: When you agree completely with the author of an memo.
+ 2: When the author of the original memo is much bigger than you are.
+ 3: When replying to one of your own memos.
+%
+FORTUNE'S RULES TO LIVE BY: #2
+
+ Never goose a wolverine.
+%
+FORTUNE'S RULES TO LIVE BY: #23
+
+ Don't cut off a police car when making an illegal U-turn.
+%
+Forty isn't old, if you're a tree.
+%
+Four be the things I am wiser to know:
+Idleness, sorrow, a friend, and a foe.
+
+Four be the things I'd been better without:
+Love, curiosity, freckles, and doubt.
+
+Three be the things I shall never attain:
+Envy, content, and sufficient champagne.
+
+Three be the things I shall have till I die:
+Laughter and hope and a sock in the eye.
+ -- Inventory
+%
+Four be the things I'd been better without:
+Love, curiosity, freckles, and doubt.
+-- Dorothy Parker, "Not So Deep as a Well"
+%
+Four fifths of the perjury in the world is expended on
+tombstones, women and competitors.
+ -- Lord Thomas Dewar
+%
+Four hours to bury the cat?
+Yes, damn thing wouldn't keep still, kept mucking about, 'owling...
+%
+Fourteen years in the professor dodge has taught me that one can argue
+ingeniously on behalf of any theory, applied to any piece of literature.
+This is rarely harmful, because normally no-one reads such essays.
+ -- Robert Parker, quoted in "Murder Ink", ed. D. Wynn
+%
+Fourth Law of Applied Terror:
+ The night before the English History mid-term, your Biology
+ instructor will assign 200 pages on planaria.
+
+Corollary:
+ Every instructor assumes that you have nothing else to do except
+ study for that instructor's course.
+%
+Fourth Law of Revision:
+ It is usually impractical to worry beforehand about
+ interferences -- if you have none, someone will make one
+ for you.
+%
+Frankly, Scarlett, I don't have a fix.
+ -- Rhett Buggler
+%
+Fraud is the homage that force pays to reason.
+ -- Charles Curtis, "A Commonplace Book"
+%
+Free Speech Is The Right To Shout 'Theater' In A Crowded Fire.
+ -- A Yippie Proverb
+%
+Freedom begins when you tell Mrs. Grundy to go fly a kite.
+%
+Freedom from incrustation of grime is contiguous to rectitude.
+%
+Freedom is nothing else but the chance to do better.
+ -- Camus
+%
+Freedom is slavery.
+Ignorance is strength.
+War is peace.
+ -- George Orwell
+%
+Freedom of the press is for those who happen to own one.
+%
+Freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose.
+ -- Kris Kristofferson, "Me and Bobby McGee"
+%
+Fremen add life to spice!
+%
+Fresco's Discovery:
+ If you knew what you were doing you'd probably be bored.
+%
+Friction is a drag.
+%
+Fried's 1st Rule:
+ Increased automation of clerical function
+ invariably results in increased operational costs.
+%
+Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
+ -- Thomas Jones
+%
+Friends, n:
+ People who borrow your books and set wet glasses on them.
+
+ People who know you well, but like you anyway.
+%
+Friends, Romans, Hipsters,
+Let me clue you in;
+I come to put down Caeser, not to groove him.
+The square kicks some cats are on stay with them;
+The hip bits, like, go down under; so let it lay with Caeser.
+The cool Brutus gave you the message: Caeser had big eyes;
+If that's the sound, someone's copping a plea,
+And, like, old Caeser really set them straight.
+Here, copacetic with Brutus and the studs, -- for Brutus is a
+ real cool cat;
+So are they all, all cool cats, --
+Come I to make this gig at Caeser's laying down.
+%
+Friendships last when each friend thinks he has a slight superiority
+over the other.
+ -- Honore de Balzac
+%
+Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die,
+your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.
+%
+From 0 to "what seems to be the problem officer" in 8.3 seconds.
+ -- Ad for the new VW Corrado
+%
+From a certain point onward there is no longer any turning back.
+That is the point that must be reached.
+ -- F. Kafka
+%
+From listening comes wisdom and from speaking repentance.
+%
+From the cradle to the coffin underwear comes first.
+ -- Bertolt Brecht
+%
+From the crystal swirling waters,
+Of the Rio Amazon,
+To the sacred halls of Bayonne,
+Where we stand pajamas on. (It's the only thing that rhymes.)
+From ev'ry hallowed venue,
+Ev'ry forest, mount and vale,
+Your butt is on the menu
+And the check is in the mail.
+ -- The Piranha Club Anthem, to the tune of "De Camptown Races"
+%
+From the moment I picked your book up until I put it down I was
+convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.
+ -- Groucho Marx
+%
+From too much love of living,
+From hope and fear set free,
+We thank with brief thanskgiving,
+Whatever gods may be,
+That no life lives forever,
+That dead men rise up never,
+That even the weariest river winds somewhere safe to sea.
+ -- Swinburne
+%
+F.S. Fitzgerald to Hemingway:
+ "Ernest, the rich are different from us."
+Hemingway:
+ "Yes. They have more money."
+%
+Fudd's First Law of Opposition:
+ Push something hard enough and it will fall over.
+%
+Fun experiments:
+ Get a can of shaving cream, throw it in a freezer for about a week.
+ Then take it out, peel the metal off and put it where you want...
+ bedroom, car, etc. As it thaws, it expands an unbelievable amount.
+%
+Fun Facts, #14:
+ In table tennis, whoever gets 21 points first wins. That's how
+ it once was in baseball -- whoever got 21 runs first won.
+%
+Fun Facts, #63:
+ The name California was given to the state by Spanish conquistadores.
+ It was the name of an imaginary island, a paradise on earth, in the
+ Spanish romance, "Les Serges de Esplandian", written by Montalvo in
+ 1510.
+%
+Function reject.
+%
+Fundamentally, there may be no basis for anything.
+%
+FURBLING:
+ Having to wander through a maze of ropes at an airport or bank
+ even when you are the only person in line.
+ -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
+%
+furbling, v:
+ Having to wander through a maze of ropes at an airport or bank
+ even when you are the only person in line.
+ -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
+%
+Furious activity is no substitute for understanding.
+ -- H.H. Williams
+%
+Furthermore, if we send something by car, it's a shipment...
+but if we send it by ship, it's cargo.
+%
+Future looks spotty. You will spill soup in late evening.
+%
+Gaiety is the most outstanding feature of the Soviet Union.
+ -- Joseph Stalin
+%
+Galbraith's Law of Human Nature:
+ Faced with the choice between changing one's mind and proving that
+there is no need to do so, almost everybody gets busy on the proof.
+%
+Garbage In - Gospel Out.
+%
+Gauls! We have nothing to fear; except perhaps that the sky may fall on
+our heads tomorrow. But as we all know, tomorrow never comes!!
+ -- Adventures of Asterix
+%
+Gay shlafen: Yiddish for "go to sleep".
+
+Now doesn't "gay shlafen" have a softer, more soothing sound than the
+harsh, staccato "go to sleep"? Listen to the difference:
+ "Go to sleep, you little wretch!" ... "Gay shlafen, darling."
+Obvious, isn't it?
+ Clearly the best thing you can do for you children is to start
+speaking Yiddish right now and never speak another word of English as
+long as you live. This will, of course, entail teaching Yiddish to all
+your friends, business associates, the people at the supermarket, and
+so on, but that's just the point. It has to start with committed
+individuals and then grow....
+ Some minor adjustments will have to be made, of course: those
+signs written in what look like Yiddish letters won't be funny when
+everything is written in Yiddish. And we'll have to start driving on
+the left side of the road so we won't be reading the street signs
+backwards. But is that too high a price to pay for world peace?
+I think not, my friend, I think not.
+ -- Arthur Naiman
+%
+GEMINI (May 21 - June 20)
+ A day to take the initiative. Put the garbage out, for
+ instance, and pick up the stuff at the dry cleaners. Watch
+ the mail carefully, although there won't be anything good
+ in it today, either.
+%
+GEMINI (May 21 to Jun. 20)
+ Good news and bad news highlighted. Enjoy the good news while you
+ can; the bad news will make you forget it. You will enjoy praise
+ and respect from those around you; everybody loves a sucker. A short
+ trip is in the stars, possibly to the men's room.
+%
+GENDERPLEX:
+ The predicament of a person in a restaurant who is unable to
+ determine his or her designated restroom (e.g. turtles and tortoises).
+ -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
+%
+genderplex, n:
+ The predicament of a person in a restaurant who is unable to
+ determine his or her designated restroom (e.g., turtles and
+ tortoises).
+ -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
+%
+GENEALOGY:
+ An account of one's descent from an ancestor
+ who did not particularly care to trace his own.
+ -- Ambrose Bierce
+%
+General notions are generally wrong.
+ -- Lady M.W. Montagu
+%
+Generally speaking, the Way of the warrior is resolute acceptance of death.
+ -- Miyamoto Musashi, 1645
+%
+Generic Fortune.
+%
+Generosity and perfection are your everlasting goals.
+%
+Genetics explains why you look like your father,
+and if you don't, why you should.
+%
+GENIUS:
+ A chemist who discovers a laundry additive that rhymes with bright.
+%
+GENIUS:
+ Person clever enough to be born in the right place at the right
+ time of the right sex and to follow up this advantage by saying
+ all the right things to all the right people.
+%
+Genius does what it must, and Talent does what it can.
+ -- Owen Meredith
+%
+Genius is one percent inspiration and ninety-nine percent perspiration.
+ -- Thomas Alva Edison
+%
+Genius is pain.
+ -- John Lennon
+%
+Genius is ten percent inspiration and fifty percent capital gains.
+%
+Genius is the talent of a person who is dead.
+%
+Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.
+ -- Elbert Hubbard
+%
+genius, n:
+ A chemist who discovers a laundry additive that rhymes with
+ "bright".
+%
+genlock, n:
+ Why he stays in the bottle.
+%
+Gentlemen,
+ Whilst marching from Portugal to a position which commands the approach
+to Madrid and the French forces, my officers have been diligently complying
+with your requests which have been sent by H.M. ship from London to Lisbon and
+thence by dispatch to our headquarters.
+ We have enumerated our saddles, bridles, tents and tent poles, and all
+manner of sundry items for which His Majesty's Government holds me accountable.
+I have dispatched reports on the character, wit, and spleen of every officer.
+Each item and every farthing has been accounted for, with two regrettable
+exceptions for which I beg your indulgence.
+ Unfortunately the sum of one shilling and ninepence remains unaccounted
+for in one infantry battalion's petty cash and there has been a hideous
+confusion as to the number of jars of raspberry jam issued to one cavalry
+regiment during a sandstorm in western Spain. This reprehensible carelessness
+may be related to the pressure of circumstance, since we are war with France,
+a fact which may come as a bit of a surprise to you gentlemen in Whitehall.
+ This brings me to my present purpose, which is to request elucidation of
+my instructions from His Majesty's Government so that I may better understand
+why I am dragging an army over these barren plains. I construe that perforce it
+must be one of two alternative duties, as given below. I shall pursue either
+one with the best of my ability, but I cannot do both:
+ 1. To train an army of uniformed British clerks in Spain for the benefit
+of the accountants and copy-boys in London or perchance:
+ 2. To see to it that the forces of Napoleon are driven out of Spain.
+ -- Duke of Wellington, to the British Foreign Office,
+ London, 1812
+%
+Genuine happiness is when a wife sees a double chin on her husband's
+old girl friend.
+%
+George Bernard Shaw once sent two tickets to the opening night of one of
+his plays to Winston Churchill with the following note:
+ "Bring a friend, if you have one."
+
+Churchill wrote back, returning the two tickets and excused himself as he
+had a previous engagement. He also attached the following:
+ "Please send me two tickets for the next night, if there is one."
+%
+George Orwell was an optimist.
+%
+George Washington was first in war, first in peace -- and the first to
+have his birthday juggled to make a long weekend.
+ -- Ashley Cooper
+%
+George's friend Sam had a dog who could recite the Gettysburg Address. "Let
+me buy him from you," pleaded George after a demonstration.
+ "Okay," agreed Sam. "All he knows is that Lincoln speech anyway."
+ At his company's Fourth of July picnic, George brought his new pet
+and announced that the animal could recite the entire Gettysburg Address.
+No one believed him, and they proceeded to place bets against the dog.
+George quieted the crowd and said, "Now we'll begin!" Then he looked at
+the dog. The dog looked back. No sound. "Come on, boy, do your stuff."
+Nothing. A disappointed George took his dog and went home.
+ "Why did you embarrass me like that in front of everybody?" George
+yelled at the dog. "Do you realize how much money you lost me?"
+ "Don't be silly, George," replied the dog. "Think of the odds we're
+gonna get on Labor Day."
+%
+(German philosopher) Georg Wilhelm Hegel, on his deathbed, complained, "Only
+one man ever understood me." He fell silent for a while and then added,
+"And he didn't understand me."
+%
+Gerrold's Laws of Infernal Dynamics:
+ 1) An object in motion will always be headed in the wrong direction.
+ 2) An object at rest will always be in the wrong place.
+ 3) The energy required to change either one of these states
+ will always be more than you wish to expend, but never so
+ much as to make the task totally impossible.
+%
+Get forgiveness now -- tomorrow you may no longer feel guilty.
+%
+Get GUMMed
+----------
+
+The Gurus of Unix Meeting of Minds (GUMM) takes place Wednesday, April 1, 2076
+(check THAT in your perpetual calendar program), 14 feet above the ground
+directly in front of the Milpitas Gumps. Members will grep each other by the
+hand (after intro), yacc a lot, smoke filtered chroots in pipes, chown with
+forks, use the wc (unless uuclean), fseek nice zombie processes, strip, and
+sleep, but not, we hope, od. Three days will be devoted to discussion of the
+ramifications of whodo. Two seconds have been allotted for a complete rundown
+of all the user-friendly features of Unix. Seminars include "Everything You
+Know is Wrong", led by Tom Kempson, "Batman or Cat:man?" led by Richie Dennis
+"cc C? Si! Si!" led by Kerwin Bernighan, and "Document Unix, Are You
+Kidding?" led by Jan Yeats. No Reader Service No. is necessary because all
+GUGUs (Gurus of Unix Group of Users) already know everything we could tell
+them.
+ -- Dr. Dobb's Journal, June 1984
+%
+Get in touch with your feelings of hostility against the dying light.
+ -- Dylan Thomas
+%
+Getting into trouble is easy.
+ -- D. Winkel and F. Prosser
+%
+Getting kicked out of the American Bar Association is liked getting kicked
+out of the Book-of-the-Month Club.
+ -- Melvin Belli on the occcasion of his getting kicked out
+ of the American Bar Association
+%
+Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules.
+
+Corrollary:
+ Following the rules will not get the job done.
+%
+Getting there is only half as far as getting there and back.
+%
+Gibson's Springtime Song (to the tune of "Deck the Halls"):
+
+'Tis the season to chase mousies (Fa la la la la, la la la la)
+Snatch them from their little housies (...)
+First we chase them 'round the field (...)
+Then we have them for a meal (...)
+
+Toss them here and catch them there (...)
+See them flying through the air (...)
+Watch them fly and hear them squeal (...)
+Falling mice have great appeal (...)
+
+See the hunter stretched before us (...)
+He's chased the mice in field and forest (...)
+Watch him clean his long white whiskers (...)
+Of the blood of little critters (...)
+%
+Gilbert's Discovery:
+ Any attempt to use the new super glues results in the two pieces
+ sticking to your thumb and index finger rather than to each other.
+%
+Gil-galad was an Elven-King
+of him the harpers sadly sing;
+the last whose realm was fair and free
+between the Mountains and the Sea.
+
+His sword was long, his lance was keen,
+his shining helm afar was seen;
+the countless stars of heaven's field
+were mirrored in his silver shield.
+
+But long ago he rode away,
+and where he dwelleth none can say;
+for into darkness fell his star
+in Mordor where the shadows are.
+%
+Ginger Snap
+%
+Ginsberg's Theorem:
+ 1. You can't win.
+ 2. You can't break even.
+ 3. You can't even quit the game.
+
+Freeman's Commentary on Ginsberg's theorem:
+
+ Every major philosophy that attempts to make life seem
+ meaningful is based on the negation of one part of Ginsberg's
+ Theorem. To wit:
+
+ 1. Capitalism is based on the assumption that you can win.
+ 2. Socialism is based on the assumption that you can break even.
+ 3. Mysticism is based on the assumption that you can quit the game.
+%
+Ginsburg's Law:
+ At the precise moment you take off your shoe in a shoe store, your
+big toe will pop out of your sock to see what's going on.
+%
+GIVE: Support the helpless victims of computer error.
+%
+Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day.
+Teach a man to fish, and he'll invite himself over for dinner.
+ -- Calvin Keegan
+%
+Give a small boy a hammer and he will find
+that everything he encounters needs pounding.
+%
+Give a woman an inch and she'll park a car in it.
+%
+Give all orders verbally. Never write anything down
+that might go into a "Pearl Harbor File".
+%
+Give him an evasive answer.
+%
+Give me a fish and I will eat today.
+Teach me to fish and I will eat forever.
+%
+Give me a Plumber's friend the size of the Pittsburgh
+dome, and a place to stand, and I will drain the world.
+%
+Give me a sleeping pill and tell me your troubles.
+%
+Give me chastity and continence, but not just now.
+ -- St. Augustine
+%
+Give me libertines or give me meth.
+%
+Give me the avowed, the erect, the manly foe,
+Bold I can meet -- perhaps may turn his blow!
+But of all plagues, good Heaven, thy wrath can send,
+Save me, oh save me from the candid friend.
+ -- George Canning
+%
+Give me your students, your secretaries,
+Your huddled writers yearning to breathe free,
+The wretched refuse of your Selectric III's.
+Give these, the homeless, typist-tossed to me.
+I lift my disk beside the processor.
+ -- Inscription on a Word Processor
+%
+Give thought to your reputation.
+Consider changing your name and moving to a new town.
+%
+GIVE UP!!!!
+%
+Give your child mental blocks for Christmas.
+%
+Give your very best today.
+Heaven knows it's little enough.
+%
+Given a choice between grief and nothing, I'd choose grief.
+ -- William Faulkner
+%
+Given its constituency, the only thing I expect to be "open" about [the
+Open Software Foundation] is its mouth.
+ -- John Gilmore
+%
+Given my druthers, I'd druther not.
+%
+Given sufficient time, what you put
+off doing today will get done by itself.
+%
+Given the choice between accomplishing something and just lying around, I'd
+rather lie around. No contest.
+ -- Eric Clapton
+%
+Giving money and power to governments is like giving whiskey and
+car keys to teenage boys.
+ -- P.J. O'Rourke
+%
+Giving up on assembly language was the apple in our Garden of Eden: Languages
+whose use squanders machine cycles are sinful. The LISP machine now permits
+LISP programmers to abandon bra and fig-leaf.
+ -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
+%
+GLEEMITES:
+ Petrified deposits of toothpaste found in sinks.
+ -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
+%
+Glib's Fourth Law of Unreliability:
+ Investment in reliability will increase until it exceeds the
+ probable cost of errors, or until someone insists on getting
+ some useful work done.
+%
+Gloffing is a state of mine.
+%
+Glogg (a traditional Scandinavian holiday drink):
+ fifth of dry red wine
+ fifth of Aquavit
+ 1 and 1/2 inch piece of cinnamon
+ 10 cardamom seeds
+ 1 cup raisins
+ 4 dried figs
+ 1 cup blanched or flaked almonds
+ a few pieces of dried orange peel
+ 5 cloves
+ 1/2 lb. sugar cubes
+ Heat up the wine and hard stuff (which may be substituted with wine
+for the faint of heart) in a big pot after adding all the other stuff EXCEPT
+the sugar cubes. Just when it reaches boiling, put the sugar in a wire
+strainer, moisten it in the hot brew, lift it out and ignite it with a match.
+Dip the sugar several times in the liquid until it is all dissolved. Serve
+hot in cups with a few raisins and almonds in each cup.
+ N.B. Aquavit may be hard to find and expensive to boot. Use it only
+if you really have a deep-seated desire to be fussy, or if you are of Swedish
+extraction.
+%
+Go ahead... make my day.
+ -- Dirty Harry
+%
+Go ahead, make my day.
+ -- Harry Callahan
+%
+Go away, I'm all right.
+ -- H.G. Wells' last words.
+%
+Go away! Stop bothering me with all your
+"compute this ... compute that"! I'm taking a VAX-NAP.
+
+logout
+%
+Go climb a gravity well.
+%
+Go directly to jail. Do not pass Go, do not collect $200.
+%
+Go not to the elves for counsel, for they will say both yes and no.
+ -- J.R.R. Tolkien
+%
+Go on writing plays, my boy. One of these days a London producer will go
+into his office and say to his secretary, "Is there a play from Shaw this
+morning?" and when she says "No," he will say, "Well, then we'll have to
+start on the rubbish." And that's your chance, my boy.
+ -- G.B. Shaw to William Douglas Home
+%
+Go out and tell a lie that will make the whole family proud of you.
+ -- Cadmus, to Pentheus, in "The Bacchae" by Euripides
+%
+Go slowly to the entertainments of thy friends,
+but quickly to their misfortunes.
+ -- Chilo
+%
+Go to a movie tonight.
+Darkness becomes you.
+%
+Go to the Scriptures... the joyful promises it contains will be a balsam to
+all your troubles.
+ -- Andrew Jackson
+
+The foundations of our society and our government rest so much on the
+teachings of the Bible that it would be difficult to support them if faith
+in these teachings would cease to be practically universal in our country.
+ -- Calvin Coolidge
+
+Lastly, our ancestors established their system of government on morality and
+religious sentiment. Moral habits, they believed, cannot safely be trusted
+on any other foundation than religious principle, nor any government be
+secure which is not supported by moral habits.
+ -- Daniel Webster
+%
+Go 'way! You're bothering me!
+%
+Goals... Plans... they're fantasies, they're part of a dream world...
+ -- Wally Shawn
+%
+GOD:
+ Darwin's chief rival.
+%
+God created a few perfect heads.
+The rest he covered with hair.
+%
+God created woman.
+And boredom did indeed cease from that moment --
+but many other things ceased as well.
+Woman was God's second mistake.
+ -- Nietzsche
+%
+God did not create the world in 7 days; He screwed
+around for 6 days and then pulled an all-nighter.
+%
+God gave man two ears and one tongue so
+that we listen twice as much as we speak.
+ -- Arab proverb
+%
+God gives burdens; also shoulders.
+
+ Jimmy Carter cited this Jewish saying in his concession speech
+at the end of the 1980 election. At least he said it was a Jewish
+saying; I can't find it anywhere. I'm sure he's telling the truth
+though; why would he lie about a thing like that?
+ -- Arthur Naiman
+%
+God gives us relatives; thank goodness we can chose our friends.
+%
+God grant us the serenity to accept the things we cannot change, courage to
+change the things we can, and wisdom to know the difference.
+%
+God has intended the great to be great and the little to be little...
+The trade unions, under the European system, destroy liberty [...] I do
+not mean to say that a dollar a day is enough to support a workingman...
+not enough to support a man and five children if he insists on smoking
+and drinking beer. But the man who cannot live on bread and water is
+not fit to live! A family may live on good bread and water in the
+morning, water and bread at midday, and good bread and water at night!
+ -- Rev. Henry Ward Beecher
+%
+God help the troubadour who tries to be a star. The more
+that you try to find success, the more that you will fail.
+ -- Phil Ochs, on the Second System Effect
+%
+God help those who do not help themselves.
+ -- Wilson Mizner
+%
+God helps them that helps themselves.
+ -- B. Franklin
+%
+God, I ask for patience -- and I want it right now!
+%
+God instructs the heart, not by ideas,
+but by pains and contradictions.
+ -- De Caussade
+%
+God is a comic playing to an audience that's afraid to laugh.
+%
+God is a polytheist.
+%
+God is Dead.
+ -- Nietzsche
+Nietzsche is Dead.
+ -- God
+Nietzsche is God.
+ -- Dead
+%
+God is dead and I don't feel all too well either....
+ -- Ralph Moonen
+%
+God is love, but get it in writing.
+ -- Gypsy Rose Lee
+%
+God is not dead. He is alive and well and working on a
+much less ambitious project.
+%
+God is not dead! He's alive and autographing Bibles at Cody's!
+%
+God is real, unless declared integer.
+%
+God is really only another artist. He invented the giraffe, the
+elephant and the cat. He has no real style, He just goes on trying
+other things.
+ -- Pablo Picasso
+%
+God is the tangential point between zero and infinity.
+ -- Alfred Jarry
+%
+God isn't dead. He just doesn't want to get involved.
+%
+God isn't dead, he just couldn't find a parking place.
+%
+God made everything out of nothing, but the nothingness shows through.
+ -- Paul Valery
+%
+God made machine language; all the rest is the work of man.
+%
+God made the integers; all else is the work of Man.
+ -- Kronecker
+%
+God made the world in six days, and was arrested on the seventh.
+%
+God may be subtle, but he isn't plain mean.
+ -- Albert Einstein
+%
+God must have loved calories, she made so many of them.
+%
+God must love the common man; He made so many of them.
+%
+God rest ye CS students now, The bearings on the drum are gone,
+Let nothing you dismay. The disk is wobbling, too.
+The VAX is down and won't be up, We've found a bug in Lisp, and Algol
+Until the first of May. Can't tell false from true.
+The program that was due this morn, And now we find that we can't get
+Won't be postponed, they say. At Berkeley's 4.2.
+(chorus) (chorus)
+
+We've just received a call from DEC, And now some cheery news for you,
+They'll send without delay The network's also dead,
+A monitor called RSuX We'll have to print your files on
+It takes nine hundred K. The line printer instead.
+The staff committed suicide, The turnaround time's nineteen weeks.
+We'll bury them today. And only cards are read.
+(chorus) (chorus)
+
+And now we'd like to say to you CHORUS: Oh, tidings of comfort and joy,
+Before we go away, Comfort and joy,
+We hope the news we've brought to you Oh, tidings of comfort and joy.
+Won't ruin your whole day.
+You've got another program due, tomorrow, by the way.
+(chorus)
+ -- to God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen
+%
+God runs electromagnetics by wave theory on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday,
+and the Devil runs them by quantum theory on Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday.
+ -- William Bragg
+%
+God said it, I believe it and that's all there is to it.
+%
+God save us from a bad neighbor and a beginner on the fiddle.
+%
+God shows his contempt for wealth by the kind of person he selects
+to receive it.
+ -- Austin O'Malley
+%
+God votes Republican.
+%
+God was satisfied with his own work, and that is fatal.
+ -- Samuel Butler
+%
+Goda's Truism:
+ By the time you get to the point where you can make ends meet,
+ somebody moves the ends.
+%
+Going the speed of light is bad for your age.
+%
+Going to church does not make a person religious, nor does going to school
+make a person educated, any more than going to a garage makes a person a car.
+%
+Gold, n:
+ A soft malleable metal relatively scarce in distribution. It
+ is mined deep in the earth by poor men who then give it to rich
+ men who immediately bury it back in the earth in great prisons,
+ although gold hasn't done anything to them.
+ -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
+%
+Goldenstern's Rules:
+ 1. Always hire a rich attorney.
+ 2. Never buy from a rich salesman.
+%
+Goldfish... what stupid animals. Even Wayne Cody stops
+eating before he bursts.
+%
+Gold's Law:
+ If the shoe fits, it's ugly.
+%
+Gomme's Laws:
+ (1) A backscratcher will always find new itches.
+ (2) Time accelerates.
+ (3) The weather at home improves as soon as you go away.
+%
+Gone With The Wind LITE(tm)
+ -- by Margaret Mitchell
+
+ A woman only likes men she can't have and the South gets trashed.
+
+Gift of the Magii LITE(tm)
+ -- by O. Henry
+
+ A husband and wife forget to register their gift preferences.
+
+The Old Man and the Sea LITE(tm)
+ -- by Ernest Hemingway
+
+ An old man goes fishing, but doesn't have much luck.
+
+Diary of a Young Girl LITE(tm)
+ -- by Anne Frank
+
+ A young girl hides in an attic but is discovered.
+%
+Good advice is one of those insults that ought to be forgiven.
+%
+Good advice is something a man gives
+when he is too old to set a bad example.
+ -- La Rouchefoucauld
+%
+Good day for a change of scene. Repaper the bedroom wall.
+%
+Good day for business affairs.
+Make a pass at that the new file clerk.
+%
+Good day for overcoming obstacles. Try a steeplechase.
+%
+Good day to avoid cops. Crawl to school.
+%
+Good day to avoid cops. Crawl to work.
+%
+Good day to deal with people in high places;
+particularly lonely stewardesses.
+%
+Good day to let down old friends who need help.
+%
+Good evening, gentlemen. I am a HAL 9000 computer. I became operational
+at the HAL plant in Urbana, Illinois, on January 11th, nineteen hundred
+ninety-five. My supervisor was Mr. Langley, and he taught me to sing a
+song. If you would like, I could sing it for you.
+%
+Good, fast, and cheap. Choose any two.
+%
+Good girls go to heaven, bad girls go everywhere.
+%
+Good government never depends upon laws, but upon the personal qualities of
+those who govern. The machinery of government is always subordinate to the
+will of those who administer that machinery. The most important element of
+government, therefore, is the method of choosing leaders.
+ -- Frank Herbert, "Children of Dune"
+%
+"Good health" is merely the slowest rate at which one can die.
+%
+Good judgement comes from experience.
+Experience comes from bad judgement.
+ -- Jim Horning
+%
+Good leaders being scarce, following yourself is allowed.
+%
+Good morning. This is the telephone company. Due to repairs, we're
+giving you advance notice that your service will be cut off indefinitely
+at ten o'clock. That's two minutes from now.
+%
+Good news. Ten weeks from Friday will be a pretty good day.
+%
+Good news from afar can bring you a welcome visitor.
+%
+Good news is just life's way of keeping you off balance.
+%
+Good night, Austin, Texas, wherever you are!
+%
+Good night, Mrs. Calabash, wherever you are.
+%
+Good night to spend with family, but avoid arguments with your mate's
+new lover.
+%
+Good salesmen and good repairmen will never go hungry.
+ -- R.E. Schenk
+%
+Good teaching is one-fourth preparation and three-fourths good theatre.
+ -- Gail Godwin
+%
+Good-bye. I am leaving because I am bored.
+ -- George Saunders' dying words
+%
+Goodbye, cool world.
+%
+Goose pimples rose all over me, my hair stood on end, my eyes filled with
+tears of love and gratitude for this greatest of all conquerers of human
+misery and shame, and my breath came in little gasps. If I had not known
+that the Leader would have scorned such adulation, I might have fallen to
+my knees in unashamed worship, but instead I drew myself to attention, raised
+my arm in the eternal salute of the ancient Roman Legions and repeated the
+holy words, "Heil Hitler!"
+ -- George Lincoln Rockwell
+%
+Gordon's Law:
+ If you think you have the solution, the question was poorly phrased.
+%
+gossip, n:
+ Hearing something you like about someone you don't.
+ -- Earl Wilson
+%
+//GO.SYSIN DD *, DOODAH, DOODAH
+%
+Got a complaint about the Internal Revenue Service?
+Call the convenient toll-free "IRS Taxpayer Complaint Hot Line Number":
+
+ 1-800-AUDITME
+%
+Got a dictionary? I want to know the meaning of life.
+%
+Got a wife and kids in Baltimore Jack,
+I went out for a ride and never came back.
+Like a river that don't know where it's flowing,
+I took a wrong turn and I just kept going.
+
+ Everybody's got a hungry heart.
+ Everybody's got a hungry heart.
+ Lay down your money and you play your part,
+ Everybody's got a hungry heart.
+
+I met her in a Kingstown bar,
+We fell in love, I knew it had to end.
+We took what we had and we ripped it apart,
+Now here I am down in Kingstown again.
+
+Everybody needs a place to rest,
+Everybody wants to have a home.
+Don't make no difference what nobody says,
+Ain't nobody likes to be alone.
+ -- Bruce Springsteen, "Hungry Heart"
+%
+Got Mole problems?
+Call Avogadro at 6.02 x 10^23.
+%
+Gourmet, n:
+ Anyone whom, when you fail to finish something strange or
+ revolting, remarks that it's an acquired taste and that you're
+ leaving the best part.
+%
+Govern a great nation as you would cook a small fish. Don't overdo it.
+ -- Lao Tsu
+%
+Government spending? I don't know what it's all about. I don't know any
+more about this thing than an economist does, and, God knows, he doesn't
+know much.
+ -- The Best of Will Rogers
+%
+Government spending? I don't know what it's all about. I don't know
+any more about this thing than an economist does, and, God knows, he
+doesn't know much.
+ -- Will Rogers
+%
+Government's Law:
+ There is an exception to all laws.
+%
+Governor Tarkin. I should have expected to find you holding Vader's
+leash. I thought I recognized your foul stench when I was brought on
+board.
+ -- Princess Leia Organa
+%
+Grabel's Law:
+ 2 is not equal to 3 -- not even for large values of 2.
+%
+Graduate life -- it's not just a job, it's an indenture.
+%
+Graduate students and most professors are
+no smarter than undergrads. They're just older.
+%
+Grand Master Turing once dreamed that he was a machine. When he awoke
+he exclaimed:
+ "I don't know whether I am Turing dreaming that I am a machine,
+ or a machine dreaming that I am Turing!"
+ -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
+%
+Grandpa Charnock's Law:
+ You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
+
+ [I thought it was when your kids learned to drive. Ed.]
+%
+Graphics blind the eyes.
+Audio files deafen the ear.
+Mouse clicks numb the fingers.
+Heuristics weaken the mind.
+Options wither the heart.
+
+The Guru observes the net
+but trusts his inner vision.
+He allows things to come and go.
+His heart is as open as the ether.
+%
+GRASSHOPPOTAMUS:
+ A creature that can leap to tremendous heights... once.
+%
+Gratitude, like love, is never a dependable international emotion.
+ -- Joseph Alsop
+%
+GRAVITY:
+ What you get when you eat too much and too fast.
+%
+Gravity brings me down.
+%
+Gravity is a myth, the Earth sucks.
+%
+Gray's Law of Programming:
+ 'n+1' trivial tasks are expected to be
+ accomplished in the same time as 'n' tasks.
+
+Logg's Rebuttal to Gray's Law:
+ 'n+1' trivial tasks take twice as long as 'n' trivial tasks.
+%
+Great acts are made up of small deeds.
+ -- Lao Tsu
+%
+Great American Axiom:
+ Some is good, more is better, too much is just right.
+%
+GREAT MOMENTS IN AMERICAN HISTORY (#17):
+
+On November 13, Felix Unger was asked to remove himself from his
+place of residence.
+%
+GREAT MOMENTS IN HISTORY (#7): April 2, 1751
+
+Issac Newton becomes discouraged when he falls up a flight of stairs.
+%
+GREAT MOMENTS IN HISTORY (#7): November 23, 1915
+
+Pancake make-up is invented; most people continue to prefer syrup.
+%
+Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds.
+ -- Albert Einstein
+
+They laughed at Einstein. They laughed at the Wright Brothers. But they
+also laughed at Bozo the Clown.
+ -- Carl Sagan
+%
+Greatness is a transitory experience. It is never consistent.
+%
+Green light in A.M. for new projects.
+Red light in P.M. for traffic tickets.
+%
+Green's Law of Debate:
+Anything is possible if you don't know what you're talking about.
+%
+Grelb's Reminder:
+ Eighty percent of all people consider
+ themselves to be above average drivers.
+%
+grep me no patterns and I'll tell you no lines.
+%
+Grief can take care of itself; but to get the full
+value of a joy you must have somebody to divide it with.
+ -- Mark Twain
+%
+Griffin's Thought:
+ When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last.
+%
+Grig (the navigator):
+ ... so you see, it's just the two of us against the entire space
+ armada.
+Alex (the gunner):
+ What?!?
+Grig: I've always wanted to fight a desperate battle against
+ overwhelming odds.
+Alex: It'll be a slaughter!
+Grig: That's the spirit!
+ -- The Last Starfighter
+%
+Grinnell's Law of Labor Laxity:
+ At all times, for any task, you have not got enough done today.
+%
+Groundhog Day has been observed only once in Los Angeles because when the
+groundhog came out of its hole, it was killed by a mudslide.
+ -- Johnny Carson
+%
+Grover Cleveland, though constantly at loggerheads with the Senate, got on
+better with the House of Representatives. A popular story circulating
+during his presidency concerned the night he was roused by his wife crying,
+"Wake up! I think there are burglars in the house."
+ "No, no, my dear," said the president sleepily, "in the Senate
+maybe, but not in the House."
+%
+Growing old isn't bad when you consider the alternatives.
+ -- Maurice Chevalier
+%
+Grownups are reluctant to take science fiction seriously, and with good
+reason: sci-fi is a hormonal activity, not a literary one. Its traditional
+concerns are all pubescent. Secondary sexual characteristics are everywhere,
+disguised. Aliens have tentacles. Telepathy allows you to have sex without
+any nasty inconvenience of touching. Womblike spaceships provide balanced
+meals. No one ever has to grow old -- body parts are replaceable, like
+Job's daughters, and if you're lucky you can become a robot. As for the
+adult world, it's simply not there; political systems tend to be naively
+authoritarian (there are more lords in science fiction than on public
+television) and are often ruled by young boys on quests. The most popular
+sci-fi book in years, Frank Herbert's Dune, sold millions of copies by
+combining all these themes: it ends with its adolescent hero conquering the
+universe while straddling a giant worm.
+ -- Arnold Klein
+%
+Grub first, then ethics.
+ -- Bertolt Brecht
+%
+GUILLOTINE:
+ A French chopping center.
+%
+Gumperson's Law:
+ The probability of a given event
+ occurring is inversely proportional to its desirability.
+%
+Guns don't kill people. Bullets kill people.
+%
+Gunter's Airborne Discoveries:
+ (1) When you are served a meal aboard an aircraft,
+ the aircraft will encounter turbulence.
+ (2) The strength of the turbulence
+ is directly proportional to the temperature of your coffee.
+%
+GURMLISH:
+ The red warning flag at the top of a club sandwich which prevents
+ the person from biting into it and puncturing the roof of his mouth.
+ -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
+%
+gurmlish, n.:
+ The red warning flag at the top of a club sandwich which
+ prevents the person from biting into it and puncturing the roof
+ of his mouth.
+ -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
+%
+GURU:
+ A person in T-shirt and sandals who took an elevator ride with
+ a senior vice-president and is ultimately responsible for the
+ phone call you are about to receive from your boss.
+%
+guru, n:
+ A computer owner who can read the manual.
+%
+gy-ro-scope:
+ A wheel or disk mounted to spin rapidly about an axis and also
+ free to rotate about one or both of two axes perpindicular to
+ each other and the axis of spin so that a rotation of one of the
+ two mutually perpendicular axes results from application of
+ torque to the other when the wheel is spinning and so that the
+ entire apparatus offers considerable opposition depending on
+ the angular momentum to any torque that would change the direction
+ of the axis of spin.
+ -- Webster's Seventh New Collegiate Dictionary
+%
+hacker, n:
+ Originally, any person with a knack for coercing stubborn inanimate
+things; hence, a person with a happy knack, later contracted by the mythical
+philosopher Frisbee Frobenius to the common usage, 'hack'.
+ In olden times, upon completion of some particularly atrocious body
+of coding that happened to work well, culpable programmers would gather in
+a small circle around a first edition of Knuth's Best Volume I by candlelight,
+and proceed to get very drunk while sporadically rending the following ditty:
+
+ Hacker's Fight Song
+
+ He's a Hack! He's a Hack!
+ He's a guy with the happy knack!
+ Never bungles, never shirks,
+ Always gets his stuff to work!
+
+All take a drink (important!)
+%
+Hackers are just a migratory lifeform with a tropism for computers.
+%
+Hacker's Guide To Cooking:
+2 pkg. cream cheese (the mushy white stuff in silver wrappings that doesn't
+ really come from Philadelphia after all; anyway, about 16 oz.)
+1 tsp. vanilla extract (which is more alcohol than vanilla and pretty
+ strong so this part you *GOTTA* measure)
+1/4 cup sugar (but honey works fine too)
+8 oz. Cool Whip (the fluffy stuff devoid of nutritional value that you
+ can squirt all over your friends and lick off...)
+"Blend all together until creamy with no lumps." This is where you get to
+ join(1) all the raw data in a big buffer and then filter it through
+ merge(1m) with the -thick option, I mean, it starts out ultra lumpy
+ and icky looking and you have to work hard to mix it. Try an electric
+ beater if you have a cat(1) that can climb wall(1s) to lick it off
+ the ceiling(3m).
+"Pour into a graham cracker crust..." Aha, the BUGS section at last. You
+ just happened to have a GCC sitting around under /etc/food, right?
+ If not, don't panic(8), merely crumble a rand(3m) handful of innocent
+ GCs into a suitable tempfile and mix in some melted butter.
+"...and refrigerate for an hour." Leave the recipe's stdout in a fridge
+ for 3.6E6 milliseconds while you work on cleaning up stderr, and
+ by time out your cheesecake will be ready for stdin.
+%
+Hacker's Law:
+ The belief that enhanced understanding will necessarily stir
+ a nation to action is one of mankind's oldest illusions.
+%
+Hackers of the world, unite!
+%
+Hacker's Quicky #313:
+ Sour Cream -n- Onion Potato Chips
+ Microwave Egg Roll
+ Chocolate Milk
+%
+Hacking's just another word for nothing left to kludge.
+%
+"Had he and I but met
+By some old ancient inn, But ranged as infantry,
+We should have sat us down to wet And staring face to face,
+Right many a nipperkin! I shot at him as he at me,
+ And killed him in his place.
+I shot him dead because --
+Because he was my foe, He thought he'd 'list, perhaps,
+Just so: my foe of course he was; Off-hand-like -- just as I --
+That's clear enough; although Was out of work -- had sold his traps
+ No other reason why.
+Yes; quaint and curious war is!
+You shoot a fellow down
+You'd treat, if met where any bar is
+Or help to half-a-crown."
+ -- Thomas Hardy
+%
+Had I been present at the creation, I would have given some
+useful hints for the better ordering of the universe.
+ -- Alfonso the Wise
+
+ [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
+ referring to operating system initialization.]
+%
+Had this been an actual emergency, we would have
+fled in terror, and you would not have been informed.
+%
+Hail to the sun god
+He's such a fun god
+Ra! Ra! Ra!
+%
+Hailing frequencies open, Captain.
+%
+Hain't we got all the fools in town on our side? And hain't that
+a big enough majority in any town?
+ -- Mark Twain, "Huckleberry Finn"
+%
+Hale Mail Rule, The:
+ When you are ready to reply to a letter, you will lack at least
+ one of the following:
+ (a) A pen or pencil or typewriter.
+ (b) Stationery.
+ (c) Postage stamp.
+ (d) The letter you are answering.
+%
+Half a bee, philosophically, must ipso facto half not be.
+But half the bee has got to be, vis-a-vis its entity. See?
+But can a bee be said to be or not to be an entire bee,
+When half the bee is not a bee, due to some ancient injury?
+%
+Half Moon tonight. (At least its better than no Moon at all.)
+%
+Half of being smart is knowing what you're dumb at.
+%
+Half the world is composed of people who have something to say and can't,
+and the other half who have nothing to say and keep on saying it.
+%
+half-done, n:
+ This is the best way to eat a kosher dill -- when it's still crunchy,
+ light green, yet full of garlic flavor. The difference between this
+ and the typical soggy dark green cucumber corpse is like the
+ difference between life and death.
+
+ You may find it difficult to find a good half-done kosher dill there
+ in Seattle, so what you should do is take a cab out to the airport,
+ fly to New York, take the JFK Express to Jay Street-Borough Hall,
+ transfer to an uptown F, get off at East Broadway, walk north on
+ Essex (along the park), make your first left onto Hester Street, walk
+ about fifteen steps, turn ninety degrees left, and stop. Say to the
+ man, "Let me have a nice half-done." Worth the trouble, wasn't it?
+ -- Arthur Naiman
+%
+Halley's Comet: It came, we saw, we drank.
+%
+Hall's Laws of Politics:
+ (1) The voters want fewer taxes and more spending.
+ (2) Citizens want honest politicians until they want
+ something fixed.
+ (3) Constituency drives out consistency (i.e., liberals defend
+ military spending, and conservatives social spending in
+ their own districts).
+%
+hand, n:
+ A singular instrument worn at the end of a human
+ arm and commonly thrust into somebody's pocket.
+%
+Handel's Proverb:
+ You can't produce a baby in one month by impregnating 9 women!
+%
+handshaking protocol, n:
+ A process employed by hostile hardware devices to initate a
+ terse but civil dialogue, which, in turn, is characterized by
+ occasional misunderstanding, sulking, and name-calling.
+%
+Hanging on in quiet desperation is the English way.
+ -- Pink Floyd
+%
+hangover, n:
+ The wrath of grapes.
+%
+Hanlon's Razor:
+ Never attribute to malice
+ that which is adequately explained by stupidity.
+%
+Hanson's Treatment of Time:
+ There are never enough hours in a day,
+ but always too many days before Saturday.
+%
+Happiness adds and multiplies as we divide it with others.
+%
+happiness, adv:
+ An agreeable sensation arising
+ from contemplating the misery of another.
+%
+happiness, adv:
+ Finding the owner of a lost bikini.
+%
+Happiness is a hard disk.
+%
+Happiness is a positive cash flow.
+%
+Happiness is good health and a bad memory.
+ -- Ingrid Bergman
+%
+Happiness is having a scratch for every itch.
+ -- Ogden Nash
+%
+Happiness is just an illusion, filled with sadness and confusion.
+%
+Happiness is the greatest good.
+%
+Happiness is twin floppies.
+%
+Happiness isn't having what you want, it's wanting what you have.
+%
+Happiness isn't something you experience; it's something you remember.
+ -- Oscar Levant
+%
+Happiness makes up in height what it lacks in length.
+%
+Happy feast of the pig!
+%
+Happy is the child whose father died rich.
+%
+hard, adj:
+ The quality of your own data; also how it is to believe those
+ of other people.
+%
+Hard reality has a way of cramping your style.
+ -- Daniel Dennett
+%
+Hard work may not kill you, but why take the chance?
+%
+Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?
+ -- Charlie McCarthy
+%
+Hardware:
+ The parts of a computer system that can be kicked.
+%
+Hardware met Software on the road to Changtse. Software said: "You are Yin
+and I am Yang. If we travel together we will become famous and earn vast
+sums of money." And so the set forth together, thinking to conquer the world.
+ Presently they met Firmware, who was dressed in tattered rage and
+hobbled along propped on a thorny stick. Firmware said to them: "The Tao
+lies beyond Yin and Yang. It is silent and still as a pool of water. It does
+not seek fame, therefore nobody knows its presence. It does not seek fortune,
+for it is complete within itself. It exists beyond space and time."
+ Software and Hardware, ashamed, returned to their homes.
+%
+hardware, n:
+ The parts of a computer system that can be kicked.
+%
+Hark, Hark, the dogs do bark
+The Duke is fond of kittens
+He likes to take their insides out
+And use them for his mittens
+ -- The Thirteen Clocks
+%
+Hark, the Herald Tribune sings,
+Advertising wondrous things.
+
+Angels we have heard on High
+Tell us to go out and Buy.
+%
+Harp not on that string.
+ -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"
+%
+Harriet's Dining Observation:
+ In every restaurant, the hardness of the butter pats
+ increases in direct proportion to the softness of the bread.
+%
+Harris had the beefstead pie between his knees, and was carving it, and George
+and I were waiting with our plates ready.
+ "Have you got a spoon there?" says Harris; "I want a spoon to help
+the gravy with."
+ The hamper was close behind us, and George and I both turned round to
+reach one out. We were not five seconds getting it. When we looked round
+again, Harris and the pie were gone!
+ It was a wide, open field. There was not a tree or a bit of hedge for
+hundreds of yards. He could not have tumbled into the river, because we were
+on the water side of him, and he would have had to climb over us to do it.
+ George and I gazed all about. Then we gazed at each other.
+ "Has he been snatched up to heaven?" I queried.
+ "They'd hardly have taken the pie, too," said George.
+ There seemed weight in this objection, and we discarded the heavenly
+theory.
+ "I suppose the truth of the matter is," suggested George, descending
+to the commonplace and practicable, "that there has been an earthquake."
+ And then he added, with a touch of sadness in his voice: "I wish he
+hadn't been carving that pie."
+ -- Jerome K. Jerome, "Three Men In A Boat"
+%
+Harrisberger's Fourth Law of the Lab:
+ Experience is directly proportional to the amount of
+ equipment ruined.
+%
+Harrison's Postulate:
+For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
+%
+Harris's Lament:
+ All the good ones are taken.
+%
+Harry and Fred were playing their Sunday afternoon golf game. The game, as
+always, was close. They were at the treacherous 12th hole: a par three that
+required a perfect first shot over a large pond and onto a tiny green. There
+were sand traps on the other three sides of the green, and a small road 50
+feet beyond it. Harry went first. He carefully addressed the ball and hit
+a good shot that landed just on the edge of the green, narrowly avoiding the
+pond. Just as Fred addressed his ball, he looked up and noticed a funeral
+procession along the road just behind the green. Fred put down his club,
+took his hat off, and waited for the entire procession to pass. As soon as
+the cars were gone he put his hat back on and started addressing the ball
+again. Harry said, "Damn, Fred. That was a really nice thing you did,
+waiting for the funeral to pass like that."
+ Fred finished his swing, making perfect contact with the ball. It
+was an excellent shot that landed 7 feet from the hole. "It's the least I
+could do," he said, smiling at his shot, "We were married for 22 years,
+you know."
+%
+Harry is heavily into camping, and every year in the late fall, he makes us
+all go to Assateague, which is an island on the Atlantic Ocean famous for
+its wild horses. I realize that the concept of wild horses probably stirs
+romantic notions in many of you, but this is because you have never met any
+wild horses in person. In person, they are like enormous hooved rats. They
+amble up to your camp site, and their attitude is: "We're wild horses.
+We're going to eat your food, knock down your tent and poop on your shoes.
+We're protected by federal law, just like Richard Nixon."
+ -- Dave Barry
+%
+Harry's bar has a new cocktail. It's called MRS punch. They make it with
+milk, rum and sugar and it's wonderful. The milk is for vitality and the
+sugar is for pep. They put in the rum so that people will know what to do
+with all that pep and vitality.
+%
+Hartley's First Law:
+ You can lead a horse to water, but if you can
+ get him to float on his back, you've got something.
+%
+Hartley's Second Law:
+ Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.
+%
+HARTLEY'S SECOND LAW:
+ Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.
+
+My corollary:
+ The completely psychotic have all the fun.
+%
+Harvard Law:
+ Under the most rigorously controlled conditions of pressure,
+ temperature, volume, humidity, and other variables, the
+ organism will do as it damn well pleases.
+%
+HARVARD:
+Quarterback:
+ Sophomore Dave Strewzinski... likes to pass. And pass he does, with
+a record 86 attempts (three completions) in 87 plays.... Though Strewzinksi
+has so far failed to score any points for the Crimson, his jackrabbit speed
+has made him the least sacked quarterback in the Ivy league.
+Wide Receiver:
+ The other directional signal in Harvard's offensive machine is senior
+Phil Yip, who is very fast. Yip is so fast that he has set a record for being
+fast. Expect to see Yip elude all pursuers and make it into the endzone five
+or six times, his average for a game. Yip, nicknamed "fumblefingers" and "you
+asshole" by his teammates, hopes to carry the ball with him at least one of
+those times.
+YALE:
+Defense:
+ On the defensive side, Yale boasts the stingiest line in the Ivies.
+Primarily responsible are seniors Izzy "Shylock" Bloomberg and Myron
+Finklestein, the tightest ends in recent Eli history. Also contributing to
+the powerful defense is junior tackle Angus MacWhirter, a Scotsman who rounds
+out the offensive ethnic joke. Look for these three to shut down the opening
+coin toss.
+ -- Harvard Lampoon 1988 Program Parody, distributed at The Game
+%
+Has anyone ever tasted an "end"? Are they really bitter?
+%
+"Has anyone had problems with the computer accounts?"
+"Yes; I don't have one."
+"Okay, you can send mail to one of the tutors..."
+ -- E. D'Azevedo, CS, University of Washington
+%
+Has anyone realized that the purpose of the fortune cookie program is to
+defuse project tensions? When did you ever see a cheerful cookie, a
+non-cynical, or even an informative cookie?
+ Perhaps inadvertently, we have a channel for our aggressions. This
+still begs the question of whether the cookie releases the pressure or only
+serves to blunt the warning signs.
+
+ Long live the revolution!
+ Have a nice day.
+%
+Has everyone noticed that all the letters of the word "database" are typed
+with the left hand? Now the layout of the QWERTYUIOP typewriter keyboard
+was designed, among other things, to facilitate the even use of both hands.
+It follows, therefore, that writing about databases is not only unnatural,
+but a lot harder than it appears.
+%
+Has the great art and mystery of politics no apparent utility? Does it
+appear to be unqualifiedly ratty, raffish, sordid, obscene and low down,
+and its salient virtuosi a gang of umitigated scoundrels? Then let us
+not forget its high capacity to soothe and tickel the midriff, its
+incomparable services as a maker of entertainment.
+ -- H.L. Mencken, "A Carnival of Buncombe"
+%
+Haste makes waste.
+ -- John Heywood
+%
+Hatcheck girl:
+ "Goodness! What lovely diamonds!"
+Mae West:
+ "Goodness had nothin' to do with it, dearie."
+ -- "Night After Night", 1932
+%
+Hate is like acid. It can damage the vessel in which it is
+stored as well as destroy the object on which it is poured.
+%
+Hate the sin and love the sinner.
+ -- Mahatma Gandhi
+%
+Hating the Yankees is as American as pizza pie,
+unwed mothers and cheating on your income tax.
+ -- Mike Royko
+%
+hatred, n:
+ A sentiment appropriate to the occasion of another's superiority.
+%
+Have a coke and a smile!
+ -- John DeLorean
+%
+Have a nice day!
+%
+Have a nice diurnal anomaly.
+%
+Have a place for everything and keep the thing
+somewhere else; this is not advice, it is merely custom.
+ -- Mark Twain
+%
+Have a taco.
+ -- P.S. Beagle
+%
+Have at you!
+%
+Have no friends not equal to yourself.
+ -- Confucius
+%
+Have the courage to take your own thoughts
+seriously, for they will shape you.
+ -- Albert Einstein
+%
+Have you ever felt like a wounded cow
+halfway between an oven and a pasture?
+walking in a trance toward a pregnant
+ seventeen-year-old housewife's
+ two-day-old cookbook?
+ -- Richard Brautigan
+%
+Have you ever met a man of good character where women are concerned?
+
+Well, I haven't. I find that whenever a woman becomes friends with me,
+she becomes jealous, exacting, suspicious, and a damn nuisance; and
+whenever I become friends with a woman, I become selfish and tyrannical.
+So here I am, Pickering, a confirmed old bachelor and very likely to
+remain so.
+ -- Henry Higgins, "My Fair Lady"
+%
+Have you ever noticed that the people who are always trying
+to tell you `there's a time for work and a time for play'
+never find the time for play?
+%
+Have you flogged your kid today?
+%
+Have you locked your file cabinet?
+%
+Have you noticed that all you need to grow healthy,
+vigorous grass is a crack in your sidewalk?
+%
+Have you seen the latest Japanese camera? Apparently it is so fast it can
+photograph an American with his mouth shut!
+%
+Have you seen the old man in the closed down market,
+Kicking up the papers in his worn out shoes?
+In his eyes you see no pride, hands hang loosely at his side
+Yesterdays papers, telling yesterdays news.
+
+How can you tell me you're lonely,
+And say for you the sun don't shine?
+Let me take you by the hand
+Lead you through the streets of London
+I'll show you something to make you change your mind...
+
+Have you seen the old man outside the sea-mans mission
+Memories fading like the metal ribbons that he wears.
+In our winter city the rain cries a little pity
+For one more forgotten hero and a world that doesn't care...
+%
+Have you seen the well-to-do, up and down Park Avenue?
+On that famous thoroughfare, with their noses in the air,
+High hats and Arrow collars, white spats and lots of dollars,
+Spending every dime, for a wonderful time...
+If you're blue and you don't know where to go to,
+Why don't you go where fashion sits,
+...
+Dressed up like a million dollar trooper,
+Trying hard to look like Gary Cooper, (super dooper)
+Come, let's mix where Rockefeller's walk with sticks,
+Or umberellas, in their mitts,
+Puttin' on the Ritz.
+...
+If you're blue and you don't know where to go to,
+Why don't you go where fashion sits,
+Puttin' on the Ritz.
+Puttin' on the Ritz.
+Puttin' on the Ritz.
+Puttin' on the Ritz.
+%
+Having a baby isn't so bad. If you're a female Emperor penguin
+in the Antarctic. She lays the egg, rolls it over to the father,
+then takes off for warmer weather where she eats and eats and
+eats. For two months, the father stands stiff, without food,
+blind in the 24-hour dark, balancing the egg on his feet. After
+the little penguin is hatched, the mother sees fit to come home.
+ -- L.M. Boyd, "Austin American-Statesman"
+%
+Having a wonderful wine, wish you were beer.
+%
+Having children is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain.
+ -- Martin Mull
+%
+Having no talent is no longer enough.
+ -- Gore Vidal
+%
+Having nothing, nothing can he lose.
+ -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"
+%
+Having the fewest wants, I am nearest to the gods.
+ -- Socrates
+%
+Having wandered helplessly into a blinding snowstorm Sam was greatly
+relieved to see a sturdy Saint Bernard dog bounding toward him with
+the traditional keg of brandy strapped to his collar.
+ "At last," cried Sam, "man's best friend -- and a great big
+dog, too!"
+%
+"Hawk, we're going to die."
+"Never say die... and certainly never say we."
+ -- M*A*S*H
+%
+Hawkeye's Conclusion:
+ It's not easy to play the clown
+ when you've got to run the whole circus.
+%
+He: Do you like Kipling?
+She: Oh, you naughty boy, I don't know! I've never kippled!
+%
+He: "If I made love to you, would you yell?"
+She: "What do you want me to yell?"
+ -- Benny Hill
+%
+HE: Let's end it all, bequeathin' our brains to science.
+SHE: What?!? Science got enough trouble with their OWN brains.
+ -- Walt Kelley
+%
+He asked me if I knew what time it was -- I said yes, but not right now.
+ -- S. Wright
+%
+He didn't run for reelection. "Politics brings you into contact with all
+the people you'd give anything to avoid," he said. "I'm staying home."
+ -- Garrison Keillor, "Lake Wobegone Days"
+%
+He does it with a better grace, but I do it more natural.
+ -- William Shakespeare, "Twelfth-Night"
+%
+He draweth out the thread of his verbosity
+finer than the staple of his argument.
+ -- William Shakespeare, "Love's Labour's Lost"
+%
+He gave her a look that you could have poured on a waffle.
+%
+He had occasional flashes of silence that made his conversation
+perfectly delightful.
+ -- Sydney Smith
+%
+He had that rare weird electricity about him -- that extremely wild
+and heavy presence that you only see in a person who has abandoned
+all hope of ever behaving "normally."
+ -- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing '72"
+%
+He hadn't a single redeeming vice.
+ -- Oscar Wilde
+%
+He has been known by many names; the Prince of Lies, the Director, Lucifer,
+Belial, and once, at a party, some obnoxious drunk kept calling him "Dude".
+ -- Stig's Inferno
+%
+He has not acquired a fortune; the fortune has acquired him.
+ -- Bion
+%
+He hath eaten me out of house and home.
+ -- William Shakespeare, "Henry IV"
+%
+He heard the snick of a rifle bolt and found himself peering down the muzzle
+of a weapon held by a drunken liquor store owner -- "There's a conflict," he
+said, "there's a conflict between land and people... the people have to go..."
+ -- Stan Ridgeway, "Call of the West"
+%
+He is a man capable of turning any colour into grey.
+ -- John LeCarre
+%
+He is considered a most graceful speaker
+who can say nothing in the most words.
+%
+He is no lawyer who cannot take two sides.
+%
+He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others.
+ -- Samuel Johnson
+%
+He is now rising from affluence to poverty.
+ -- Mark Twain
+%
+He is the best of men who dislikes power.
+ -- Mohammed
+%
+He is truly wise who gains wisdom from another's mishap.
+%
+He jests at scars who never felt a wound.
+ -- Shakespeare, "Romeo and Juliet, II. 2"
+%
+He keeps differentiating, flying off on a tangent.
+%
+He knew the tavernes well in every toun.
+ -- Geoffrey Chaucer
+%
+He knows not how to know who knows not also how to unknow.
+ -- Sir Richard Burton
+%
+He laughs at every joke three times... once when it's told,
+once when it's explained, and once when he understands it.
+%
+He looked at me as if I were a side dish he hadn't ordered.
+ -- Ring Lardner
+%
+He missed an invaluable opportunity to hold his tongue.
+ -- Andrew Lang
+%
+He only knew his iron spine held up the sky -- he didn't realize his brain
+had fallen to the ground.
+ -- The Book of Serenity
+%
+(He opens a tolm and begins.)
+
+ It says: "In the beginning was the Word."
+ Already I am stopped. It seems absurd.
+ The Word does not deserve the highest prize,
+ I must translate it otherwise.
+ If I am well inspired and not blind.
+ It says: "In the beginning was the Mind."
+ Ponder that first line, wait and see,
+ Lest you should write too hastily.
+ Is the Mind the all-creating source?
+ It ought to say: "In the beginning there was Force."
+ Yet something warns me as I grasp the pen,
+ That my translation must be changed again.
+ The spirit helps me. Now it is exact.
+ I write: "In the beginning was the Act."
+ -- Goethe's Faust
+%
+[He] played the King as if afraid someone else might play the ace.
+ -- Unattributed review of a performance of King Lear.
+
+My tears stuck in their little ducts, refusing to be jerked.
+ -- Peter Stack, movie review
+
+His performance is so wooden you want to spray him with Liquid Pledge.
+ -- John Stark, movie review
+%
+He played the king as if afraid someone else would play the ace.
+ -- John Mason Brown, drama critic
+%
+He tells you when you've got on too much lipstick,
+And helps you with your girdle when your hips stick.
+ -- O. Nash, on the perfect husband
+%
+He that breaks a thing to find out what it is has left the path of wisdom.
+ -- J.R.R. Tolkien
+%
+He that bringeth a present, findeth the door open.
+ -- Scottish proverb.
+%
+He that composes himself is wiser than he that composes a book.
+ -- B. Franklin
+%
+He that is giddy thinks the world turns round.
+ -- William Shakespeare, "The Taming of the Shrew"
+%
+He that teaches himself has a fool for a master.
+ -- Benjamin Franklin
+%
+He that would govern others, first should be the master of himself.
+%
+He thinks by infection, catching an opinion like a cold.
+%
+He thinks the Gettysburg Address is where Lincoln lived.
+ -- Wanda, "A Fish Called Wanda"
+%
+He thought he saw an albatross
+That fluttered 'round the lamp.
+He looked again and saw it was
+A penny postage stamp.
+"You'd best be getting home," he said,
+"The nights are rather damp."
+%
+He thought of Musashi, the Sword Saint, standing in his garden more than
+three hundred years ago. "What is the 'Body of a rock'?" he was asked.
+In answer, Musashi summoned a pupil of his and bid him kill himself by
+slashing his abdomen with a knife. Just as the pupil was about to comply,
+the Master stayed his hand, saying, "That is the 'Body of a rock'."
+ -- Eric Van Lustbader
+%
+[He] took me into his library and showed me his books, of which he had
+a complete set.
+ -- Ring Lardner
+%
+He walks as if balancing the family tree on his nose.
+%
+He was a cowboy, mister, and he loved the land. He loved it so much he
+made a woman out of dirt and married her. But when he kissed her, she
+disintegrated. Later, at the funeral, when the preacher said, "Dust to
+dust," some people laughed, and the cowboy shot them. At his hanging, he
+told the others, "I'll be waiting for you in heaven -- with a gun."
+ -- Jack Handey
+%
+He was part of my dream, of course --
+but then I was part of his dream too.
+ -- Lewis Carroll
+%
+He was so narrow-minded he could see through a keyhole with both eyes.
+%
+He was the sort of person whose personality
+would be greatly improved by a terminal illness.
+%
+He who always plows a straight furrow is in a rut.
+%
+He who attacks the fundamentals of the American
+broadcasting industry attacks democracy itself.
+ -- William S. Paley, chairman of CBS
+%
+He who despairs over an event is a coward, but he who holds hopes for
+the human condition is a fool.
+ -- Albert Camus
+%
+He who despises himself nevertheless esteems himself as a self-despiser.
+ -- Friedrich Nietzsche
+%
+He who enters his wife's dressing room is a philosopher or a fool.
+ -- Honore de Balzac
+%
+He who fears the unknown may one day flee from his own backside.
+ -- Sinbad
+%
+He who fights and runs away lives to fight another day.
+%
+He who foresees calamities suffers them twice over.
+%
+He who has a shady past knows that nice guys finish last.
+%
+He who has but four and spends five has no need for a wallet.
+%
+He who has imagination without learning has wings but no feet.
+%
+He who has the courage to laugh is almost as much
+a master of the world as he who is ready to die.
+ -- Giacomo Leopardi
+%
+He who hates vices hates mankind.
+%
+He who hesitates is a damned fool.
+ -- Mae West
+%
+He who hesitates is last.
+%
+He who hesitates is sometimes saved.
+%
+He who hoots with owls by night cannot soar with eagles by day.
+%
+He who invents adages for others to peruse
+takes along rowboat when going on cruise.
+%
+He who is content with his lot probably has a lot.
+%
+He who is flogged by fate and laughs the louder is a masochist.
+%
+He who is good for making excuses is seldom good for anything else.
+%
+He who is in love with himself has at least this advantage -- he won't
+encounter many rivals.
+ -- Georg Lichtenberg, "Aphorisms"
+%
+He who is intoxicated with wine will be sober again in the course of the
+night, but he who is intoxicated by the cupbearer will not recover his
+senses until the day of judgement.
+ -- Saadi
+%
+He who is known as an early riser need not get up until noon.
+%
+He who knows, does not speak. He who speaks, does not know.
+ -- Lao Tsu
+%
+He who knows not and knows that he knows not is ignorant. Teach him.
+He who knows not and knows not that he knows not is a fool. Shun him.
+He who knows and knows not that he knows is asleep. Wake him.
+%
+He who knows nothing, knows nothing.
+But he who knows he knows nothing knows something.
+And he who knows someone whose friend's wife's brother knows nothing,
+ he knows something. Or something like that.
+%
+He who knows others is wise.
+He who knows himself is enlightened.
+ -- Lao Tsu
+%
+He who knows that enough is enough will always have enough.
+ -- Lao Tsu
+%
+He who laughs has not yet heard the bad news.
+ -- Bertolt Brecht
+%
+He who laughs last -- missed the punch line.
+%
+He who laughs last didn't get the joke.
+%
+He who laughs last hasn't been told the terrible truth.
+%
+He who laughs last is probably your boss.
+%
+He who laughs last probably doesn't understand the joke.
+%
+He who laughs last usually had to have joke explained.
+%
+He who laughs, lasts.
+%
+He who lives without folly is less wise than he believes.
+%
+He who loses, wins the race,
+And parallel lines meet in space.
+ -- John Boyd, "Last Starship from Earth"
+%
+He who makes a beast of himself gets rid of the pain of being a man.
+ -- Dr. Johnson
+%
+He who minds his own business is never unemployed.
+%
+He who renders warfare fatal to all engaged in it will
+be the greatest benefactor the world has yet known.
+ -- Sir Richard Burton
+%
+He who slings mud generally loses ground.
+ -- Adlai Stevenson
+%
+He who slings mud loses ground.
+ -- Chinese Proverb
+%
+He who spends a storm beneath a tree, takes life with a grain of TNT.
+%
+He who steps on others to reach the top has good balance.
+%
+He who walks on burning coals is sure to get burned.
+ -- Sinbad
+%
+He who wonders discovers that this in itself is wonder.
+ -- M.C. Escher
+%
+He who writes with no misspelled words has prevented a first suspicion
+on the limits of his scholarship or, in the social world, of his general
+education and culture.
+ -- Julia Norton McCorkle
+%
+HEAD CRASH!! FILES LOST!!
+Details at 11.
+%
+Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
+%
+Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday,
+lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
+ -- Redd Foxx
+%
+Hear about...
+ the absent minded sculptor who put his model to bed and
+ started chiseling on his wife?
+%
+Hear about...
+ the fellow who, upon being told by his shrewish wife that she
+ would dance on his grave, promptly provided for a burial at sea?
+%
+Hear about...
+ the female activist who went berserk during a demonstration and
+ attacked a karate-trained cop with a deadly weapon. She ended
+ up a chopped libber?
+%
+Hear about...
+ the guru who refused Novacain while having a tooth pulled because
+ he wanted to transcend dental medication?
+%
+Hear about...
+ the pessimistic historian whose latest book has chapter headings
+ that read "World War One","World War Two" and "Watch This
+ Space"?
+%
+Hear about...
+ the wild office Christmas party in a completely automated
+ company -- the photocopier got drunk and tried to undo the
+ typewriter's ribbon?
+%
+Hear about the Californian terrorist that tried to blow up a bus?
+Burned his lips on the exhaust pipe.
+%
+Hear me, my chiefs, I am tired; my heart is sick and sad.
+From where the sun now stands I Will Fight No More Forever.
+ -- Chief Joseph of the Nez Perce
+%
+Heard that the next Space Shuttle is supposed to carry several
+Guernsey cows? It's gonna be the herd shot 'round the world.
+%
+Hearts will never be practical until they can be made unbreakable.
+ -- The Wizard of Oz
+%
+Heaven and earth were created all together in the same instant,
+on October 23rd, 4004 B.C. at nine o'clock in the morning.
+ -- Dr. John Lightfoot,
+ Vice-chancellor of Cambridge University
+%
+heaven, n:
+ A place where the wicked cease from troubling you with talk of
+ their personal affairs, and the good listen with attention while
+ you expound your own.
+%
+Heavier than air flying machines are impossible.
+ -- Lord Kelvin, President, Royal Society, c. 1895
+%
+heavy, adj:
+ Seduced by the chocolate side of the force.
+%
+Hedonist for hire... no job too easy!
+%
+Heisenberg may have been here.
+%
+Hell hath no fury like a bureaucrat scorned.
+ -- Milton Friedman
+%
+Hell hath no limits, nor is circumscribed in one self place,
+for where we are is Hell, and where Hell is there must we ever be.
+ -- Christopher Marlowe, "Doctor Faustus"
+%
+Hell, if you don't try to remake someone,
+how are they supposed to know you care?
+%
+Hell is empty and all the devils are here.
+ -- Wm. Shakespeare, "The Tempest"
+%
+hell, n:
+ Truth seen too late.
+%
+Heller's Law:
+ The first myth of management is that it exists.
+%
+Heller's Law:
+ The first myth of management is that it exists.
+
+Johnson's Corollary:
+ Nobody really knows what is going on anywhere within the
+ organization.
+%
+Hello. Jim Rockford's machine, this is Larry Doheny's machine. Will you
+please have your master call my master at his convenience? Thank you.
+Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
+%
+Hello, friend! You say things aren't going too well? You say you have a
+date with your favorite girl when it starts raining so hard you can't see?
+And you're out on some back road when the car stalls and won't start, so
+you set off accross the fields, and 50 feet of barbed wire hits you right
+smack in the puss? And then there's a big explosion behind you and you
+don't hear your girl screaming any more?
+
+ Well, take a walk in the sun and hold your head up high!
+ You'll show the world; you'll tell them where to get off!
+ You'll never give up, never give up, never give up -- that ship!
+%
+"Hello," he lied.
+ -- Don Carpenter, quoting a Hollywood agent
+%
+Hell's broken loose.
+ -- Robert Greene
+%
+Help! I'm trapped in a Chinese computer factory!
+%
+Help! I'm trapped in a PDP 11/70!
+%
+HELP! Man trapped in a human body!
+%
+HELP! MY TYPEWRITER IS BROKEN!
+ -- E. E. CUMMINGS
+%
+Help a swallow land at Capistrano.
+%
+HELP!!!! I'm being held prisoner in /usr/games/lib!
+%
+Help stamp out and abolish redundancy!
+%
+Help stamp out Mickey-Mouse computer interfaces -- Menus are for Restaurants!
+%
+Hempstone's Question:
+ If you have to travel on the Titanic, why not go first class?
+%
+Her days were spent in a kind of slow bustle; always busy without
+getting on, always behind hand and lamenting it, without altering
+her ways; wishing to be an economist, without contrivance or
+regularity; dissatisfied with her servants, without skill to make
+them better, and whether helping, or reprimanding, or indulging
+them, without any power of engaging their respect.
+ -- J. Austen
+%
+Her locks an ancient lady gave
+Her loving husband's life to save;
+And men -- they honored so the dame --
+Upon some stars bestowed her name.
+
+But to our modern married fair,
+Who'd give their lords to save their hair,
+No stellar recognition's given.
+There are not stars enough in heaven.
+%
+Here about the young Chinese woman who just won the lottery?
+One fortunate cookie...
+%
+Here at the Phone Company, we serve all kinds of people;
+from President's and Kings to the scum of the earth...
+%
+Here comes the orator, with his flood of words and his drop of reason.
+%
+Here I am again right where I know I shouldn't be
+I've been caught inside this trap too many times
+I must've walked these steps and said these words a
+ thousand times before
+It seems like I know everybody's lines.
+ -- David Bromberg, "How Late'll You Play 'Til?"
+%
+Here I am, fifty-eight, and I still don't know what I want to be when
+I grow up.
+ -- Peter Drucker
+%
+Here I sit, broken-hearted,
+All logged in, but work unstarted.
+First net.this and net.that,
+And a hot buttered bun for net.fat.
+
+The boss comes by, and I play the game,
+Then I turn back to net.flame.
+Is there a cure (I need your views),
+For someone trapped in net.news?
+
+I need your help, I say 'tween sobs,
+'Cause I'll soon be listed in net.jobs.
+%
+Here in my heart, I am Helen;
+ I'm Aspasia and Hero, at least.
+I'm Judith, and Jael, and Madame de Stael;
+ I'm Salome, moon of the East.
+
+Here in my soul I am Sappho;
+ Lady Hamilton am I, as well.
+In me Recamier vies with Kitty O'Shea,
+ With Dido, and Eve, and poor Nell.
+
+I'm all of the glamorous ladies
+ At whose beckoning history shook.
+But you are a man, and see only my pan,
+ So I stay at home with a book.
+ -- Dorothy Parker
+%
+Here is a simple experiment that will teach you an important electrical
+lesson: On a cool, dry day, scuff your feet along a carpet, then reach your
+hand into a friend's mouth and touch one of his dental fillings. Did you
+notice how your friend twitched violently and cried out in pain? This
+teaches us that electricity can be a very powerful force, but we must never
+use it to hurt others unless we need to learn an important electrical lesson.
+ It also teaches us how an electrical circuit works. When you scuffed
+your feet, you picked up batches of "electrons", which are very small objects
+that carpet manufacturers weave into carpets so they will attract dirt.
+The electrons travel through your bloodstream and collect in your finger,
+where they form a spark that leaps to your friend's filling, then travels
+down to his feet and back into the carpet, thus completing the circuit.
+ -- Dave Barry
+%
+Here is a test to find whether your mission on earth is finished:
+if you're alive, it isn't.
+%
+Here is the fact of the week, maybe even the fact of the month. According
+to probably reliable sources, the Coca-Cola people are experiencing severe
+marketing anxiety in China.
+
+The words "Coca-Cola" translate into Chinese as either (depending on the
+inflection) "wax-fattened mare" or "bite the wax tadpole".
+
+Bite the wax tadpole. There is a sort of rough justice, is there not?
+
+The trouble with this fact, as lovely as it is, is that it's hard to get
+a whole column out of it. I'd like to teach the world to bite a wax
+tadpole. Coke -- it's the real wax-fattened mare. Not bad, but broad
+satiric vistas do not open up.
+ -- John Carrol, San Francisco Chronicle
+%
+HERE LIES LESTER MOORE
+SHOT 4 TIMES WITH A .44
+NO LES
+NO MOORE
+ -- tombstone, in Tombstone, AZ
+%
+Here lies my wife: her let her lie!
+Now she's at rest, and so am I.
+ -- John Dryden, epitaph intended for his wife
+%
+Here there by tygers.
+%
+HERE'S A GOOD JOKE to do during an earthquake. Straddle a big crack in
+the earth and if it opens wider, go, "Whoa! Whoa!" and flap your arms
+around as if you're going to fall.
+ -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
+%
+Here's something to think about: How come you never see a headline like
+`Psychic Wins Lottery.'
+ -- Jay Leno
+%
+Here's the holiday schedule for Monday's observation of Martin Luther
+King Jr.'s birthday, when the following will be closed:
+
+ * Governmental offices
+ * Post offices
+ * Libraries
+ * Schools
+ * Banks
+ * Parts of Palm Beach
+
+and the mind of Senator Jesse Helms of North Carolina.
+ -- Dennis Miller, "Saturday Night Live"
+%
+Herth's Law:
+ He who turns the other cheek too far gets it in the neck.
+%
+He's been like a father to me,
+He's the only DJ you can get after three,
+I'm an all-night musician in a rock and roll band,
+And why he don't like me I don't understand.
+ -- The Byrds
+%
+He's dead, Jim.
+%
+He's got the heart of a little child,
+and he keeps it in a jar on his desk.
+%
+He's just a politician trying to save both his faces...
+%
+He's just like Capistrano, always ready for a few swallows.
+%
+He's like a function -- he returns a value, in the form of
+his opinion. It's up to you to cast it into a void or not.
+ -- Phil Lapsley
+%
+He's the kind of guy, that, well, if you were ever in a jam he'd
+be there... with two slices of bread and some chunky peanut butter.
+%
+Heuristics are bug ridden by definition.
+If they didn't have bugs, then they'd be algorithms.
+%
+Hewett's Observation:
+ The rudeness of a bureaucrat is inversely proportional to his or
+ her position in the governmental hierarchy and to the number of
+ peers similarly engaged.
+%
+Hey, diddle, diddle the overflow pdl
+To get a little more stack;
+If that's not enough then you lose it all
+And have to pop all the way back.
+%
+Hey, Jim, it's me, Susie Lillis from the laundromat. You said you were
+gonna call and it's been two weeks. What's wrong, you lose my number?
+%
+HEY KIDS! ANN LANDERS SAYS:
+ Be sure it's true, when you say "I love you". It's a sin to
+ tell a lie. Millions of hearts have been broken, just because
+ these words were spoken.
+%
+"Hey, Sam, how about a loan?"
+"Whattaya need?"
+"Oh, about $500."
+"Whattaya got for collateral?"
+"Whattaya need?"
+"How about an eye?"
+ -- Sam Giancana
+%
+Hey, what do you expect from a culture that
+*drives* on *parkways* and *parks* on *driveways*?
+ -- Gallagher
+%
+Hi! I'm Larry. This is my brother Bob, and this is my other brother
+Jimbo. We thought you might like to know the names of your assailants.
+%
+Hi! You have reached 962-0129. None of us are here to answer the phone and
+the cat doesn't have opposing thumbs, so his messages are illegible. Please
+leave your name and message after the beep...
+%
+Hi! How are things going?
+ (just fine, thank you...)
+Great! Say, could I bother you for a question?
+ (you just asked one...)
+Well, how about one more?
+ (one more than the first one?)
+Yes.
+ (you already asked that...)
+[at this point, Alphonso gets smart... ]
+May I ask two questions, sir?
+ (no.)
+May I ask ONE then?
+ (nope...)
+Then may I ask, sir, how I may ask you a question?
+ (yes, you may.)
+Sir, how may I ask you a question?
+ (you must ask for retroactive question asking privileges for
+ the number of questions you have asked, then ask for that
+ number plus two, one for the current question, and one for the
+ next one)
+Sir, may I ask nine questions?
+ (go right ahead...)
+%
+Hi, I'm Preston A. Mantis, president of Consumers Retail Law Outlet. As
+you can see by my suit and the fact that I have all these books of equal
+height on the shelves behind me, I am a trained legal attorney. Do you have
+a car or a job? Do you ever walk around? If so, you probably have the
+makings of an excellent legal case. Although of course every case is
+different, I would definitely say that based on my experience and training,
+there's no reason why you shouldn't come out of this thing with at least a
+cabin cruiser.
+
+Remember, at the Preston A. Mantis Consumers Retail Law Outlet, our
+motto is: 'It is very difficult to disprove certain kinds of pain.'
+ -- Dave Barry
+%
+Hi Jimbo. Dennis. Really appreciate the help on the income tax.
+You wanna help on the audit now?
+%
+Hi there! This is just a note from me, to you, to tell you, the person
+reading this note, that I can't think up any more famous quotes, jokes,
+nor bizarre stories, so you may as well go home.
+%
+Hickery Dickery Dock,
+The mice ran up the clock,
+The clock struck one,
+The others escaped with minor injuries.
+%
+Hideously disfigured by an ancient Indian curse?
+
+ WE CAN HELP!
+
+Call (511) 338-0959 for an immediate appointment.
+%
+Hier liegt ein Mann ganz ohnegleich;
+Im Leibe dick, an Suenden reich.
+Wir haben ihn ins Grab gesteckt, Here lies a man with sundry flaws
+Weil es uns dunkt er sei verreckt. And numerous Sins upon his head;
+ We buried him today because
+ As far as we can tell, he's dead.
+
+ -- PDQ Bach's epitaph, as requested by his cousin Betty
+ Sue Bach and written by the local doggeral catcher;
+ "The Definitive Biography of PDQ Bach", Peter Schickele
+%
+Higgeldy Piggeldy,
+Hamlet of Elsinore
+Ruffled the critics by
+Dropping this bomb:
+"Phooey on Freud and his
+Psychoanalysis,
+Oedipus, Shmoedipus,
+I just loved Mom."
+%
+Higgins: Doolittle, you're either an honest man or a rogue.
+Doolittle: A little of both, Guv'nor. Like the rest of us, a
+ little of both.
+ -- Shaw, "Pygmalion"
+%
+High heels are a device invented by a woman
+who was tired of being kissed on the forehead.
+%
+High Priest: Armaments Chapter One, verses nine through twenty-seven:
+Bro. Maynard: And Saint Attila raised the Holy Hand Grenade up on high
+ saying, "Oh Lord, Bless us this Holy Hand Grenade, and with it
+ smash our enemies to tiny bits." And the Lord did grin, and the
+ people did feast upon the lambs, and stoats, and orangutans, and
+ breakfast cereals, and lima bean-
+High Priest: Skip a bit, brother.
+Bro. Maynard: And then the Lord spake, saying: "First, shalt thou take
+ out the holy pin. Then shalt thou count to three. No more, no less.
+ *Three* shall be the number of the counting, and the number of the
+ counting shall be three. *Four* shalt thou not count, and neither
+ count thou two, excepting that thou then goest on to three. Five is
+ RIGHT OUT. Once the number three, being the third number be reached,
+ then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade towards thy foe, who, being
+ naughty in my sight, shall snuff it. Amen.
+All: Amen.
+ -- Monty Python, "The Holy Hand Grenade"
+%
+HIGH TECHNOLOGY:
+ A California innovation composed
+ of equal parts of silicon and marijuana.
+%
+Higher education helps your earning capacity. Ask any college professor.
+%
+Hildebrant's Principle:
+ If you don't know where you are going,
+ any road will get you there.
+%
+Him: "Your skin is so soft. Are you a model?"
+Her: "No," [blush] "I'm a cosmetologist."
+Him: "Really? That's incredible...
+ It must be very tough to handle weightlessness."
+ -- "The Jerk"
+%
+Hindsight is always 20:20.
+ -- Billy Wilder
+%
+Hindsight is an exact science.
+%
+hippogriff, n:
+ An animal (now extinct) which was half horse and half griffin.
+ The griffin was itself a compound creature, half lion and half
+ eagle. The hippogriff was actually, therefore, only one quarter
+ eagle, which is two dollars and fifty cents in gold.
+ The study of zoology is full of surprises.
+%
+Hire the morally handicapped.
+%
+His designs were strictly honourable, as the phrase is: that is, to rob
+a lady of her fortune by way of marriage.
+ -- Henry Fielding, "Tom Jones"
+%
+...his disciples lead him in; he just does the rest.
+ -- Tommy
+%
+"His eyes were cold. As cold as the bitter winter snow that was falling
+outside. Yes, cold and therefore difficult to chew..."
+%
+His followers called him Mahasamatman and said he was a god. He preferred
+to drop the Maha- and the -atman, however, and called himself Sam. He never
+claimed to be a god. But then, he never claimed not to be a god. Circum-
+stances being what they were, neither admission could be of any benefit.
+Silence, though, could. It was in the days of the rains that their prayers
+went up, not from the fingering of knotted prayer cords or the spinning of
+prayer wheels, but from the great pray-machine in the monastery of Ratri,
+goddess of the Night. The high-frequency prayers were directed upward through
+the atmosphere and out beyond it, passing into that golden cloud called the
+Bridge of the Gods, which circles the entire world, is seen as a bronze
+rainbow at night and is the place where the red sun becomes orange at midday.
+Some of the monks doubted the orthodoxy of this prayer technique...
+ -- Roger Zelazny, "Lord of Light"
+%
+His heart was yours from the first moment that you met.
+%
+His ideas of first-aid stopped short of squirting soda water.
+ -- P.G. Wodehouse
+%
+His life was formal; his actions seemed ruled with a ruler.
+%
+His mind is like a steel trap: full of mice.
+ -- Foghorn Leghorn
+%
+His super power is to turn into a scotch terrier.
+%
+Historians have now definitely established that Juan Cabrillo, discoverer
+of California, was not looking for Kansas, thus setting a precedent that
+continues to this day.
+ -- Wayne Shannon
+%
+History books which contain no lies are extremely dull.
+%
+History has much to say on following the proper procedures. From a history
+of the Mexican revolution:
+
+ "Hildago was later defeated at Guadalajara. The rebel army was
+captured on its way through the mountains. All were courtmartialed and
+shot, except Hildago, because he was a priest. He was handed over to
+the bishop of Durango who excommunicated him and returned him to the
+army where he was then executed."
+%
+History has the relation to truth that theology has to religion --
+i.e. none to speak of.
+ -- Lazarus Long
+%
+History is curious stuff
+ You'd think by now we had enough
+Yet the fact remains I fear
+ They make more of it every year.
+%
+History is nothing but a collection of fables and useless trifles,
+cluttered up with a mass of unnecessary figures and proper names.
+ -- Leo Tolstoy
+%
+History is on our side (as long as we can control the historians).
+%
+History is the version of past events that people have decided to agree on.
+ -- Napoleon Bonaparte, "Maxims"
+%
+History repeats itself. That's one thing wrong with history.
+%
+History repeats itself -- the first time as a tragi-comedy, the second
+time as bedroom farce.
+%
+History repeats itself only if one does not listen the first time.
+%
+History shows that the human mind, fed by constant accessions of knowledge,
+periodically grows too large for its theoretical coverings, and bursts them
+asunder to appear in new habiliments, as the feeding and growing grub, at
+intervals, casts its too narrow skin and assumes another... Truly the imago
+state of Man seems to be terribly distant, but every moult is a step gained.
+ -- Charles Darwin, from "Origin of the Species"
+%
+Hit them biscuits with another touch of gravy,
+Burn that sausage just a match or two more done.
+Pour my black old coffee longer,
+While that smell is gettin' stronger
+A semi-meal ain't nuthin' much to want.
+
+Loan me ten, I got a feelin' it'll save me,
+With an ornery soul who don't shoot pool for fun,
+If that coat'll fit you're wearin',
+The Lord'll bless your sharin'
+A semi-friend ain't nuthin' much to want.
+
+And let me halfway fall in love,
+For part of a lonely night,
+With a semi-pretty woman in my arms.
+Yes, I could halfway fall in deep--
+Into a snugglin', lovin' heap,
+With a semi-pretty woman in my arms.
+ -- Elroy Blunt
+%
+Hitchcock's Staple Principle:
+ The stapler runs out of staples
+ only while you are trying to staple something.
+%
+H.L. Mencken suffers from the hallucination that he is H.L. Mencken.
+There is no cure for a disease of that magnitude.
+ -- Maxwell Bodenhein
+%
+H.L. Mencken suffers from the hallucination that he is H.L.
+Mencken -- there is no cure for a disease of that magnitude.
+ -- Maxwell Bodenheim
+%
+H.L. Mencken's Law:
+ Those who can -- do.
+ Those who can't -- teach.
+
+Martin's Extension:
+ Those who cannot teach -- administrate.
+
+ [No, those who can't teach, teach here. Ed.]
+%
+Hlade's Law:
+ If you have a difficult task, give it to a lazy person --
+ they will find an easier way to do it.
+%
+Hoaars-Faisse Gallery presents:
+An exhibit of works by the artist known only as Pretzel.
+
+The exhibit includes several large conceptual works using non-traditional
+media and found objects including old sofa-beds, used mace canisters,
+discarded sanitary napkins and parts of freeways. The artist explores
+our dehumanization due to high technology and unresponsive governmental
+structures in a post-industrial world. She/he (the artist prefers to
+remain without gender) strives to create dialogue between viewer and
+creator, to aid us in our quest to experience contemporary life with its
+inner-city tensions, homelessness, global warming and gender and
+class-based stress. The works are arranged to lead us to the essence of
+the argument: that the alienation of the person/machine boundary has
+sapped the strength of our voices and must be destroyed for society to
+exist in a more fundamental sense.
+%
+Hoare's Law of Large Problems:
+ Inside every large problem is a small
+ problem struggling to get out.
+%
+Hodie natus est radici frater.
+%
+Hoffer's Discovery:
+ The grand act of a dying institution is to issue a newly
+ revised, enlarged edition of the policies and procedures manual.
+%
+Hofstadter's Law:
+ It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take
+ Hofstadter's Law into account.
+%
+HOGAN'S HEROES DRINKING GAME --
+ Take a shot every time:
+
+-- Sergeant Schultz says, "I knoooooowww nooooothing!"
+-- General Burkhalter or Major Hochstetter intimidate/insult Colonel Klink.
+-- Colonel Klink falls for Colonel Hogan's flattery.
+-- One of the prisoners sneaks out of camp (one shot for each prisoner to go).
+-- Colonel Klink snaps to attention after answering the phone (two shots
+ if it's one of our heroes on the other end).
+-- One of the Germans is threatened with being sent to the Russian front.
+-- Corporal Newkirk calls up a German in his phoney German accent, and
+ tricks him (two shots if it's Colonel Klink).
+-- Hogan has a romantic interlude with a beautiful girl from the underground.
+-- Colonel Klink relates how he's never had an escape from Stalag 13.
+-- Sergeant Schultz gives up a secret (two shots if he's bribed with food).
+-- The prisoners listen to the Germans' conversation by a hidden transmitter.
+-- Sergeant Schultz "captures" one of the prisoners after an escape.
+-- Lebeau pronounces "colonel" as "cuh-loh-`nell".
+-- Carter builds some kind of device (two shots if it's not explosive).
+-- Lebeau wears his apron.
+-- Hogan says "We've got no choice" when the someone claims that the
+ plan is impossible.
+-- The prisoners capture an important German, and sneak him out the tunnel.
+%
+Hollerith, v:
+ What thou doest when thy phone is on the fritzeth.
+%
+Holy Dilemma! Is this the end for the Caped Crusader and the Boy Wonder?
+Will the Joker and the Riddler have the last laugh?
+
+ Tune in again tomorrow:
+ same Bat-time, same Bat-channel!
+%
+HOLY MACRO!
+%
+Home is the place where, when you have to go there,
+they have to take you in.
+ -- Robert Frost, "The Death of the Hired Man"
+%
+Home is where the hurt is.
+%
+Home life as we understand it is no more natural to us than a
+cage is to a cockatoo.
+ -- George Bernard Shaw
+%
+Home on the Range was originally written in beef-flat.
+%
+"Home, Sweet Home" must surely have been written by a bachelor.
+ -- Samuel Butler
+%
+Honesty is for the most part less profitable than dishonesty.
+ -- Plato
+%
+Honesty pays, but it doesn't seem to pay enough to suit some people.
+ -- F.M. Hubbard
+%
+Honesty's the best policy.
+ -- Miguel de Cervantes
+%
+honeymoon, n:
+ A short period of doting between dating and debting.
+ -- Ray C. Bandy
+%
+Honi soit la vache qui rit.
+%
+Honk if you love peace and quiet.
+%
+honorable, adj:
+ Afflicted with an impediment in one's reach. In legislative
+ bodies, it is customary to mention all members as honorable;
+ as, "the honorable gentleman is a scurvy cur."
+%
+Hope is a good breakfast, but it is a bad supper.
+ -- Francis Bacon
+%
+Hope is a waking dream.
+ -- Aristotle
+%
+Hope not, lest ye be disappointed.
+ -- M. Horner
+%
+Hope that the day after you die is a nice day.
+%
+Hoping to goodness is not theologically sound.
+ -- Peanuts
+%
+Horace's best ode would not please a young woman as much
+as the mediocre verses of the young man she is in love with.
+ -- Moore
+%
+Horner's Five Thumb Postulate:
+ Experience varies directly with equipment ruined.
+%
+Horngren's Observation:
+ Among economists, the real world is often a special case.
+%
+Hors d'oeuvres -- a ham sandwich cut into forty pieces.
+ -- Jack Benny
+%
+Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.
+ -- W.C. Fields
+%
+HOST SYSTEM NOT RESPONDING, PROBABLY DOWN. DO YOU WANT TO WAIT? (Y/N)
+%
+HOST SYSTEM RESPONDING, PROBABLY UP...
+%
+Hotels are tired of getting ripped off. I checked into a hotel and they
+had towels from my house.
+ -- Mark Guido
+%
+Houdini escaping from New Jersey!
+%
+Household hint:
+ If you are out of cream for your coffee,
+ mayonnaise makes a dandy substitute.
+%
+Housework can kill you if done right.
+ -- Erma Bombeck
+%
+Houston, Tranquillity Base here. The Eagle has landed.
+ -- Neil Armstrong
+%
+How apt the poor are to be proud.
+ -- William Shakespeare, "Twelfth-Night"
+%
+How can you be in two places at once
+when you're not anywhere at all?
+%
+How can you do 'New Math' problems with an 'Old Math' mind?
+ -- Schulz
+%
+How can you govern a nation which has 246 kinds of cheese?
+ -- Charles de Gaulle
+%
+How can you have any pudding if you don't eat your meat?
+ -- Pink Floyd
+%
+How can you prove whether at this moment we are sleeping, and all our
+thoughts are a dream; or whether we are awake, and talking to one another
+in the waking state?
+ -- Plato
+%
+How can you think and hit at the same time?
+ -- Yogi Berra
+%
+How can you work when the system's so crowded?
+%
+How come everyone's going so slow if it's called rush hour?
+%
+How come financial advisors never seem to be as wealthy as they
+claim they'll make you?
+%
+How come we never talk anymore?
+%
+How come wrong numbers are never busy?
+%
+How comes it to pass, then, that we appear such cowards
+in reasoning, and are so afraid to stand the test of ridicule?
+ -- A. Cooper
+%
+How could they think women a recreation?
+Or the repetition of bodies of steady interest?
+Only the ignorant or the busy could. That elm
+of flesh must prove a luxury of primes;
+be perilous and dear with rain of an alternate earth.
+Which is not to damn the forested China of touching.
+I am neither priestly nor tired, and the great knowledge
+of breasts with their loud nipples congregates in me.
+The sudden nakedness, the small ribs, the mouth.
+Splendid. Splendid. Splendid. Like Rome. Like loins.
+A glamour sufficient to our long marvelous dying.
+I say sufficient and speak with earned privilege,
+for my life has been eaten in that foliate city.
+To ambergris. But not for recreation.
+I would not have lost so much for recreation.
+
+Nor for love as the sweet pretend: the children's game
+of deliberate ignorance of each to allow the dreaming.
+Not for the impersonal belly nor the heart's drunkenness
+have I come this far, stubborn, disasterous way.
+But for relish of those archipelagoes of person.
+To hold her in hand, closed as any sparrow,
+and call and call forever till she turn from bird
+to blowing woods. From woods to jungle. Persimmon.
+To light. From light to princess. From princess to woman
+in all her fresh particularity of difference.
+Then oh, through the underwater time of night
+indecent and still, to speak to her without habit.
+This I have done with my life, and am content.
+I wish I could tell you how it is in that dark,
+standing in the huge singing and the alien world.
+ -- Jack Gilbert, "Don Giovanni on his way to Hell"
+%
+How do you explain school to a higher intelligence?
+ -- Elliot, "E.T."
+%
+"How do you know she is a unicorn?" Molly demanded. "And why were you afraid
+to let her touch you? I saw you. You were afraid of her."
+ "I doubt that I will feel like talking for very long," the cat
+replied without rancor. "I would not waste time in foolishness if I were
+you. As to your first question, no cat out of its first fur can ever be
+deceived by appearances. Unlike human beings, who enjoy them. As for your
+second question --" Here he faltered, and suddenly became very interested
+in washing; nor would he speak until he had licked himself fluffy and then
+licked himself smooth again. Even then he would not look at Molly, but
+examined his claws.
+ "If she had touched me," he said very softly, "I would have been
+hers and not my own, not ever again."
+ -- Peter S. Beagle, "The Last Unicorn"
+%
+How doth the little crocodile
+ Improve his shining tail,
+And pour the waters of the Nile
+ On every golden scale!
+
+How cheerfully he seems to grin,
+ How neatly spreads his claws,
+And welcomes little fishes in,
+ With gently smiling jaws!
+%
+How doth the VAX's C-compiler
+ Improve its object code.
+And even as we speak does it
+ Increase the system load.
+
+How patiently it seems to run
+ And spit out error flags,
+While users, with frustration, all
+ Tear their clothes to rags.
+%
+How is the world ruled, and how do wars start? Diplomats tell lies to
+journalists, and they believe what they read.
+ -- Karl Kraus, "Aphorisms and More Aphorisms"
+%
+How kind of you to be willing to live someone's life for them.
+%
+How long a minute is depends on which side of the bathroom door you're on.
+%
+How many "coming men" has one known! Where on earth do they all go to?
+ -- Sir Arthur Wing Pinero
+%
+How many hors d'oeuvres you are allowed to take off a tray being carried by
+a waiter at a nice party?
+ Two, but there are ways around it, depending on the style of the hors
+d'oeuvre. If they're those little pastry things where you can't tell what's
+inside, you take one, bite off about two-thirds of it, then say: "This is
+cheese! I hate cheese!" Then you put the rest of it back on the tray and
+bite another one and go, "Darn it! Another cheese!" and so on.
+ -- Dave Barry
+%
+How many priests are needed for a Boston Mass?
+%
+How many weeks are there in a light year?
+%
+How much does it cost to entice a dope-smoking UNIX system guru to Dayton?
+ -- UNIX/WORLD's First Annual Salary Survey, Brian Boyle
+%
+How much does she love you?
+Less than you'll ever know.
+%
+How much for your women? I want to buy your
+daughter... how much for the little girl?
+ -- Jake Blues, "The Blues Brothers"
+%
+How much net work could a network work, if a network could net work?
+%
+How much of their influence on you is a result of your influence on them?
+%
+How often I found where I should be going
+only by setting out for somewhere else.
+ -- R. Buckminster Fuller
+%
+How sharper than a hound's tooth it is to have a thankless serpent.
+%
+How sharper than a serpent's tooth is a sister's "See?"
+ -- Linus Van Pelt
+%
+How to Raise Your I.Q. by Eating Gifted Children
+ -- Book title by Lewis B. Frumkes
+%
+How untasteful can you get?
+%
+How wonderful opera would be if there were no singers.
+%
+How you look depends on where you go.
+%
+However, never daunted, I will cope with adversity
+in my traditional manner... sulking and nausea.
+ -- Tom K. Ryan
+%
+However, on religious issues there can be little or no compromise. There
+is no position on which people are so immovable as their religious beliefs.
+There is no more powerful ally one can claim in a debate than Jesus Christ,
+or God, or Allah, or whatever one calls this supreme being. But like any
+powerful weapon, the use of God's name on one's behalf should be used
+sparingly. The religious factions that are growing throughout our land are
+not using their religious clout with wisdom. They are trying to force
+government leaders into following their position 100 percent. If you disagree
+with these religious groups on a particular moral issue, they complain, they
+threaten you with a loss of money or votes or both. I'm frankly sick and
+tired of the political preachers across this country telling me as a citizen
+that if I want to be a moral person, I must believe in "A," "B," "C," and
+"D." Just who do they think they are? And from where do they presume to
+claim the right to dictate their moral beliefs to me? And I am even more
+angry as a legislator who must endure the threats of every religious group
+who thinks it has some God-granted right to control my vote on every roll
+call in the Senate. I am warning them today: I will fight them every step
+of the way if they try to dictate their moral convictions to all Americans
+in the name of "conservatism."
+ -- Senator Barry Goldwater, Congressional Record
+%
+HR 3128. Omnibus Budget Reconciliation, Fiscal 1986. Martin, R-Ill., motion
+that the House recede from its disagreement to the Senate amendment making
+changes in the bill to reduce fiscal 1986 deficits. The Senate amendment
+was an amendment to the House amendment to the Senate amendment to the House
+amendment to the Senate amendment to the bill. The original Senate amendment
+was the conference agreement on the bill. Agreed to.
+ -- Albuquerque Journal
+%
+Hubbard's Law:
+ Don't take life too seriously;
+ you won't get out of it alive.
+%
+Hug me now, you mad, impetuous fool!!
+Oh wait...
+I'm a computer, and you're a person. It would never work out.
+Never mind.
+%
+Huh?
+%
+Human beings were created by water to transport it uphill.
+%
+Human cardiac catheterization was introduced by Werner Forssman in 1929.
+Ignoring his department chief, and tying his assistant to an operating
+table to prevent her interference, he placed a ureteral catheter into
+a vein in his arm, advanced it to the right atrium [of his heart], and
+walked upstairs to the x-ray department where he took the confirmatory
+x-ray film. In 1956, Dr. Forssman was awarded the Nobel Prize.
+%
+Human kind cannot bear very much reality.
+ -- T.S. Eliot, "Four Quartets: Burnt Norton"
+%
+Human resources are human first, and resources second.
+ -- J. Garbers
+%
+Humanity has advanced, when it has advanced, not because it has been sober,
+responsible, and cautious, but because it has been playful, rebellious, and
+immature.
+ -- Tom Robbins
+%
+Humans are communications junkies. We just can't get enough.
+ -- Alan Kay
+%
+Humility is the first of the virtues -- for other people.
+ -- Oliver Wendell Holmes
+%
+Hummingbirds never remember the words to songs.
+%
+Humor is a drug which it's the fashion to abuse.
+ -- William Gilbert
+%
+Humorists always sit at the children's table.
+ -- Woody Allen
+%
+"Humpf!" Humpfed a voice! "For almost two days you've run wild and insisted on
+chatting with persons who've never existed. Such carryings-on in our peaceable
+jungle! We've had quite enough of you bellowing bungle! And I'm here to
+state," snapped the big kangaroo, "That your silly nonsensical game is all
+through!" And the young kangaroo in her pouch said, "Me, too!"
+ "With the help of the Wickersham Brothers and dozens of Wickersham
+Uncles and Wickersham Cousins and Wickersham In-Laws, whose help I've engaged,
+You're going to be roped! And you're going to be caged! And, as for your
+dust speck... Hah! That we shall boil in a hot steaming kettle of Beezle-But
+oil!"
+ -- Dr. Seuss "Horton Hears a Who"
+%
+Humpty Dumpty sat on the wall,
+Humpty Dumpty had a great fall!
+All the king's horses,
+And all the king's men,
+Had scrambled eggs for breakfast again!
+%
+Humpty Dumpty was pushed.
+%
+Hurewitz's Memory Principle:
+ The chance of forgetting something is directly proportional
+ to... to... uh.....
+%
+I:
+ The best way to make a silk purse from a sow's ear is to begin
+ with a silk sow. The same is true of money.
+II:
+ If today were half as good as tomorrow is supposed to be, it would
+ probably be twice as good as yesterday was.
+III:
+ There are no lazy veteran lion hunters.
+IV:
+ If you can afford to advertise, you don't need to.
+V:
+ One-tenth of the participants produce over one-third of the output.
+ Increasing the number of participants merely reduces the average
+ output.
+ -- Norman Augustine
+%
+I wish there was a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence.
+There's a knob called "brightness", but it doesn't seem to work.
+ -- Gallagher
+%
+I accept chaos. I am not sure whether it accepts me. I know some people
+are terrified of the bomb. But then some people are terrified to be seen
+carrying a modern screen magazine. Experience teaches us that silence
+terrifies people the most.
+ -- Bob Dylan
+%
+I acted to show my love for Jodie Foster.
+ -- John Hinckley
+%
+I ain't got no quarrle with them Viet Congs.
+ -- Muhammad Ali
+%
+I allow the world to live as it chooses,
+and I allow myself to live as I choose.
+%
+I also believe that academic freedom should protect the right of a professor
+or student to advocate Marxism, socialism, communism, or any other minority
+viewpoint -- no matter how distasteful to the majority.
+ -- Richard M. Nixon
+
+What are our schools for if not indoctrination against Communism?
+ -- Richard M. Nixon
+%
+I always choose my friends for their good looks and my enemies for their
+good intellects. Man cannot be too careful in his choice of enemies.
+ -- Oscar Wilde, "The Picture of Dorian Gray"
+%
+I always had a repulsive need to be something more than human.
+ -- David Bowie
+%
+I always pass on good advice. It is the only thing to do with it.
+It is never any good to oneself.
+ -- Oscar Wilde, "An Ideal Husband"
+%
+I always say beauty is only sin deep.
+ -- Saki, "Reginald's Choir Treat"
+%
+I always turn to the sports pages first, which record people's
+accomplishments. The front page has nothing but man's failures.
+ -- Chief Justice Earl Warren
+%
+I always wake up at the crack of ice.
+ -- Joe E. Lewis
+%
+I always will remember -- I was in no mood to trifle;
+'Twas a year ago November -- I got down my trusty rifle
+I went out to shoot some deer And went out to stalk my prey --
+On a morning bright and clear. What a haul I made that day!
+I went and shot the maximum I tied them to my bumper and
+The game laws would allow: I drove them home somehow,
+Two game wardens, seven hunters, Two game wardens, seven hunters,
+And a cow. And a cow.
+
+The Law was very firm, it People ask me how I do it
+Took away my permit-- And I say, "There's nothin' to it!
+The worst punishment I ever endured. You just stand there lookin' cute,
+It turns out there was a reason: And when something moves, you shoot."
+Cows were out of season, and And there's ten stuffed heads
+One of the hunters wasn't insured. In my trophy room right now:
+ Two game wardens, seven hunters,
+ And a pure-bred gurnsey cow.
+ -- Tom Lehrer, "The Hunting Song"
+%
+I am a bookaholic. If you are a decent
+person, you will not sell me another book.
+%
+I am a computer.
+I am dumber than any human and smarter than any administrator.
+%
+I am a conscientious man, when I throw
+rocks at seabirds I leave no tern unstoned.
+ -- Ogden Nash, "Everybody's Mind to Me a Kingdom Is"
+%
+I am a deeply superficial person.
+ -- Andy Warhol
+%
+I am a friend of the working man, and I would rather be his friend
+than be one.
+ -- Clarence Darrow
+%
+I am a man: nothing human is alien to me.
+ -- Publius Terentius Afer (Terence)
+%
+I am America's child, a spastic slogging on demented
+limbs drooling I'll trade my PhD for a telephone voice.
+ -- Burt Lanier Safford III, "An Obscured Radiance"
+%
+I am an optimist. It does not seem too much use being anything else.
+ -- Winston Churchill
+%
+I am changing my name to Chrysler
+I am going down to Washington, D.C.
+I will tell some power broker
+ What they did for Iacocca
+Will be perfectly acceptable to me!
+
+I am changing my name to Chrysler,
+I am heading for that great receiving line.
+When they hand a million grand out,
+ I'll be standing with my hand out,
+Yessir, I'll get mine!
+%
+I am convinced that the truest act of courage is to sacrifice ourselves
+for others in a totally nonviolent struggle for justice. To be a man
+is to suffer for others.
+ -- Cesar Chavez
+%
+I am fairly unrepentant about her poetry. I really think that three
+quarters of it is gibberish. However, I must crush down these thoughts
+otherwise the dove of peace will shit on me.
+ -- Noel Coward on Edith Sitwell
+%
+I am firm. You are obstinate. He is a pig-headed fool.
+ -- Katharine Whitehorn
+%
+I am getting into abstract painting. Real abstract -- no brush, no canvas,
+I just think about it. I just went to an art museum where all of the art
+was done by children. All the paintings were hung on refrigerators.
+ -- Steven Wright
+%
+I am, in point of fact, a particularly haughty and exclusive person, of
+pre-Adamite ancestral descent. You will understand this when I tell you
+that I can trace my ancestry back to a protoplasmal primordial atomic
+globule. Consequently, my family pride is something inconceivable. I
+can't help it. I was born sneering.
+ -- Pooh-Bah, "The Mikado"
+%
+I am just a nice, clean-cut Mongolian boy.
+ -- Yul Brynner, 1956
+%
+I am looking for a honest man.
+ -- Diogenes the Cynic
+%
+I am NOMAD!
+%
+I am not a crook.
+ -- Richard Nixon
+%
+I am not a politician and my other habits are also good.
+ -- A. Ward
+%
+I am not afraid of tomorrow, for I have seen yesterday and I love today.
+ -- William Allen White
+%
+I am not an Economist. I am an honest man!
+ -- Paul McCracken
+%
+I am not now and never have been a girl friend of Henry Kissinger.
+ -- Gloria Steinem
+%
+I am professionally trained in computer science, which is to say
+(in all seriousness) that I am extremely poorly educated.
+ -- Joseph Weizenbaum, "Computer Power and Human Reason"
+%
+I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared
+for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.
+ -- W. Churchill
+%
+I am returning this otherwise good typing paper to you because someone
+has printed gibberish all over it and put your name at the top.
+ -- Professor Lowd, English, Ohio University
+%
+I am the mother of all things, and all things should wear a sweater.
+%
+I am the wandering glitch -- catch me if you can.
+%
+I am two fools, I know, for loving, and for saying so.
+ -- John Donne
+%
+I am two with nature.
+ -- Woody Allen
+%
+I am very fond of the company of ladies. I like their beauty,
+I like their delicacy, I like their vivacity, and I like their silence.
+ -- Samuel Johnson
+%
+I appreciate the fact that this draft was done in haste, but some of the
+sentences that you are sending out in the world to do your work for you are
+loitering in taverns or asleep beside the highway.
+ -- Dr. Dwight Van de Vate, Professor of Philosophy,
+ University of Tennessee at Knoxville
+%
+I asked the engineer who designed the communication terminal's keyboards
+why these were not manufactured in a central facility, in view of the
+small number needed [1 per month] in his factory. He explained that this
+would be contrary to the political concept of local self-sufficiency.
+Therefore, each factory needing keyboards, no matter how few, manufactures
+them completely, even molding the keypads.
+ -- Isaac Auerbach, IEEE "Computer", Nov. 1979
+%
+I attribute my success to intelligence, guts, determination, honesty,
+ambition, and having enough money to buy people with those qualities.
+%
+I B M
+U B M
+We all B M
+For I B M!!!!
+ -- H.A.R.L.I.E.
+%
+I base my fashion taste on what doesn't itch.
+ -- Gilda Radner
+%
+I began many years ago, as so many young men do, in searching for the
+perfect woman. I believed that if I looked long enough, and hard enough,
+I would find her and then I would be secure for life. Well, the years
+and romances came and went, and I eventually ended up settling for someone
+a lot less than my idea of perfection. But one day, after many years
+together, I lay there on our bed recovering from a slight illness. My
+wife was sitting on a chair next to the bed, humming softly and watching
+the late afternoon sun filtering through the trees. The only sounds to
+be heard elsewhere were the clock ticking, the kettle downstairs starting
+to boil, and an occasional schoolchild passing beneath our window. And
+as I looked up into my wife's now wrinkled face, but still warm and
+twinkling eyes, I realized something about perfection... It comes only
+with time.
+ -- James L. Collymore, "Perfect Woman"
+%
+I believe a little incompatibility is the spice of life,
+particularly if he has income and she is pattable.
+ -- Ogden Nash
+%
+I believe in an America where the separation of church and state is absolute
+-- where no Catholic prelate would tell the president (should he be Catholic)
+how to act, and no Protestant minister would tell his parishoners for whom
+to vote -- where no church or church school is granted any public funds or
+political preference -- and where no man is denied public office merely
+because his religion differs from the president who might appoint him or
+the people who might elect him.
+ -- John F. Kennedy
+%
+I believe in getting into hot water; it keeps you clean.
+ -- G.K. Chesterton
+%
+I believe in sex and death -- two experiences that come once in a lifetime.
+ -- Woody Allen
+%
+I believe that professional wrestling is clean
+and everything else in the world is fixed.
+ -- Frank Deford, sports writer
+%
+I believe that the moment is near when by a procedure of active paranoiac
+thought, it will be possible to systematize confusion and contribute to the
+total discrediting of the world of reality.
+ -- Salvador Dali
+%
+I belong to no organized party. I am a Democrat.
+ -- Will Rogers
+%
+I bet the human brain is a kludge.
+ -- Marvin Minsky
+%
+I BET WHAT HAPPENED was they discovered fire and invented the wheel on
+the same day. Then that night, they burned the wheel.
+ -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
+%
+I BET WHEN NEANDERTHAL KIDS would make a snowman, someone would always
+end up saying, "Don't forget the thick heavy brows." Then they would get
+embarrassed because they remembered they had the big hunky brows too, and
+they'd get mad and eat the snowman.
+ -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
+%
+I bet you have fun chasing the soap around the bathtub.
+ -- Princess Diana, to a one-armed war veteran during
+ a visit to a London veterans hospital
+%
+I bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house.
+ -- Stephen Wright
+%
+I braved the contempt of my friends last week and ventured out to see
+Bambi, the Disney rerelease that is proving to be a hit once again in the
+box office. I was looking forward to a gentle, soothing, late afternoon
+relief from the Washington Summer. Instead I was traumatized. As a
+psycho-sexual return to the horrors of early adolescence, it couldn't be
+more effective. For the first half-hour, you're lulled into an agreeable
+sense of security and comfort. Birds twitter; small rabbits turn out to
+be great conversationalists. Pop is what Senator Moynihan would describe
+as an absent father, but Mom's there to make you feel OK in the odd
+thunderstorm. You make great friends, fool around on the ice, discover
+the meadow, generally mellow out. Then, without any particular warning,
+your mom gets shot, your voice breaks, huge growths start appearing on
+your head, and your peers start heading off into the clover with the
+apparent intention of having sex. Next thing you know, the forest burns
+down. If I were still eight, I think I'd prefer Rambo III.
+ -- Townsend Davis
+%
+I call them as I see them. If I can't see them, I make them up.
+ -- Biff Barf
+%
+I called my parents the other night, but I forgot about the time difference.
+They're still living in the fifties.
+ -- Strange de Jim
+%
+I came, I saw, I deleted all your files.
+%
+I came out of twelve years of college and I didn't even know how to sew.
+All I could do was account -- I couldn't even account for myself.
+ -- Firesign Theatre
+%
+I came to MIT to get an education for myself and a diploma for my mother.
+%
+I can give you my word, but I know what it's worth and you don't.
+ -- Nero Wolfe, "Over My Dead Body"
+%
+I can hire one half of the working class to kill the other half.
+ -- Jay Gould
+%
+I can mend the break of day, heal a broken heart,
+and provide temporary relief to nymphomaniacs.
+ -- Larry Lee
+%
+I can relate to that.
+%
+I can resist anything but temptation.
+%
+I can see him a'comin'
+With his big boots on,
+With his big thumb out,
+He wants to get me.
+He wants to hurt me.
+He wants to bring me down.
+But some time later,
+When I feel a little straighter,
+I'll come across a stranger
+Who'll remind me of the danger,
+And then.... I'll run him over.
+Pretty smart on my part!
+To find my way... In the dark!
+ -- Phil Ochs
+%
+I can write better than anybody who can write faster,
+and I can write faster than anybody who can write better.
+ -- A.J. Liebling
+%
+I cannot and will not cut my conscience to fit this year's fashions.
+ -- Lillian Hellman
+%
+I cannot believe that God plays dice with the cosmos.
+ -- Albert Einstein, on the randomness of quantum mechanics
+%
+I cannot draw a cart, nor eat dried oats;
+If it be man's work I will do it.
+%
+I can't believe that out of 100,000 sperm, you were the quickest.
+ -- Steven Pearl
+%
+I can't complain, but sometimes I still do.
+ -- Joe Walsh
+%
+I can't decide whether to commit suicide or go bowling.
+ -- Florence Henderson
+%
+I can't die until the government finds a safe place to bury my liver.
+ -- Phil Harris
+%
+I Can't Get Over You, So I Get Up and Go Around to the Other Side
+If You Won't Leave Me Alone, I'll Find Someone Who Will
+I Knew That You'd Committed a Sin When You Came Home Late With
+ Your Socks Outside-in
+I'm a Rabbit in the Headlights of Your Love
+Don't Kick My Tires If You Ain't Gonna Take Me For a Ride
+I Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well
+I Still Miss You, Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better
+I've Got Red Eyes From Your White Lies and I'm Blue All the Time
+ -- proposed Country-Western song titles from "Wordplay"
+%
+I can't mate in captivity.
+ -- Gloria Steinem, on why she has never married.
+%
+I can't seem to bring myself to say, "Well, I guess I'll be toddling along."
+It isn't that I can't toddle. It's that I can't guess I'll toddle.
+ -- Robert Benchley
+%
+I can't stand squealers; hit that guy.
+ -- Albert Anastasia
+%
+I can't stand this proliferation of paperwork. It's useless to fight the
+forms. You've got to kill the people producing them.
+ -- Vladimir Kabaidze, general director of the Ivanovo Machine
+ Building Works (near Moscow) in a speech to the Communist
+ Party Conference
+%
+I can't understand it.
+I can't even understand the people who can understand it.
+ -- Queen Juliana of the Netherlands
+%
+I can't understand why a person will take a year or two to write a
+novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars.
+ -- Fred Allen
+%
+I can't understand why people are frightened of new ideas.
+I'm frightened of the old ones.
+ -- John Cage
+%
+I collect rare photographs... I have two... One of Houdini locking his
+keys in his car... the other is a rare picture of Norman Rockwell beating
+up a child.
+ -- Stephen Wright
+%
+I come from a small town whose population never changed. Each time
+a woman got pregnant, someone left town.
+ -- Michael Prichard
+%
+I consider a new device or technology to have been
+culturally accepted when it has been used to commit a murder.
+ -- M. Gallaher
+%
+I consider the day misspent that I am not
+either charged with a crime, or arrested for one.
+ -- "Ratsy" Tourbillon
+%
+I could never learn to like her --
+except on a raft at sea with no other provisions in sight.
+ -- Mark Twain
+%
+I couldn't possibly fail to disagree with you less.
+%
+I couldn't remember when I had been so disappointed. Except perhaps the
+time I found out that M&Ms really DO melt in your hand.
+ -- Peter Oakley
+%
+I despise the pleasure of pleasing people whom I despise.
+%
+I didn't believe in reincarnation in any of my other lives. I don't see why
+I should have to believe in it in this one.
+ -- Strange de Jim
+%
+I didn't do it! Nobody saw me do it! Can't prove anything!
+ -- Bart Simpson
+%
+I didn't get sophisticated -- I just got tired.
+But maybe that's what sophisticated is -- being tired.
+ -- Rita Gain
+%
+I didn't know he was dead; I thought he was British.
+%
+I didn't like the play, but I saw it under adverse conditions.
+The curtain was up.
+%
+"I didn't order any WOO-WOO... Maybe a YUBBA... But no WOO-WOO!"
+ -- Zippy the Pinhead
+%
+I disagree with what you say, but will defend
+to the death your right to tell such LIES!
+%
+I distrust a close-mouthed man. He generally picks the wrong time to talk
+and says the wrong things. Talking's something you can't do judiciously,
+unless you keep in practice. Now, sir, we'll talk if you like. I'll tell
+you right out, I'm a man who likes talking to a man who likes to talk.
+ -- Sidney Greenstreet, "The Maltese Falcon"
+%
+I distrust a man who says when. If he's got to be careful not to drink
+too much, it's because he's not to be trusted when he does.
+ -- Sidney Greenstreet, "The Maltese Falcon"
+%
+I do desire we may be better strangers.
+ -- William Shakespeare, "As You Like It"
+%
+I do enjoy a good long walk -- especially when my wife takes one.
+%
+I do hate sums. There is no greater mistake than to call arithmetic an
+exact science. There are permutations and aberrations discernible to minds
+entirely noble like mine; subtle variations which ordinary accountants fail
+to discover; hidden laws of number which it requires a mind like mine to
+perceive. For instance, if you add a sum from the bottom up, and then again
+from the top down, the result is always different.
+ -- Mrs. La Touche
+%
+I do not believe in the creed professed by the Jewish Church, by the Roman
+Church, by the Greek Church, by the Turkish Church, by the Protestant Church,
+nor by any Church that I know of. My own mind is my own Church.
+ -- Thomas Paine
+%
+I do not care if half the league strikes. Those who do will encounter
+quick retribution. All will be suspended, and I don't care if it wrecks
+the National League for five years. This is the United States of America
+and one citizen has as much right to play as another.
+ -- Ford Frick, National League President, reacting to a
+ threatened strike by some Cardinal players in 1947 if
+ Jackie Robinson took the field against St. Louis. The
+ Cardinals backed down and played.
+%
+I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them.
+ -- Isaac Asimov
+%
+I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with
+sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use.
+ -- Galileo Galilei
+%
+I do not know myself and God forbid that I should.
+ -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
+%
+I do not know where to find in any literature, whether ancient or modern,
+any adequate account of that nature with which I am acquainted. Mythology
+comes nearest to it of any.
+ -- Henry David Thoreau
+%
+I do not know whether I was then a man dreaming I was a
+butterfly, or whether I am now a butterfly dreaming I am a man.
+ -- Chuang-tzu
+%
+I do not remember ever having seen a sustained argument by an author which,
+starting from philosophical premises likely to meet with general acceptance,
+reached the conclusion that a praiseworthy ordering of one's life is to
+devote it to research in mathematics.
+ -- Sir Edmund Whittaker, "Scientific American", Vol. 183
+%
+I do not seek the ignorant; the ignorant seek me -- I will instruct them.
+I ask nothing but sincerity. If they come out of habit, they become
+tiresome.
+ -- I Ching
+%
+I do not take drugs -- I am drugs.
+ -- Salvador Dali
+%
+I don't believe in astrology. But then I'm an
+Aquarius, and Aquarians don't believe in astrology.
+ -- James Quirk
+%
+I don't care how poor and inefficient a little country is; they like to
+run their own business. I know men that would make my wife a better
+husband than I am; but, darn it, I'm not going to give her to 'em.
+ -- The Best of Will Rogers
+%
+I don't care what star you're following, get that camel off my front lawn!
+ -- Heard in Bethlehem
+%
+I don't care where I sit as long as I get fed.
+ -- Calvin Trillin
+%
+I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't
+deserve that either.
+ -- Jack Benny
+%
+I don't do it for the money.
+ -- Donald Trump, Art of the Deal
+%
+I don't drink, I don't like it, it makes me feel too good.
+ -- K. Coates
+%
+I don't even butter my bread. I consider that cooking.
+ -- Katherine Cebrian
+%
+I don't get no respect.
+%
+I don't have an eating problem. I eat.
+I get fat. I buy new clothes. No problem.
+%
+I don't have any solution but I certainly admire the problem.
+ -- Ashleigh Brilliant
+%
+I don't have to take this abuse from you -- I've got
+hundreds of people waiting to abuse me.
+ -- Bill Murray, "Ghostbusters"
+%
+I don't kill flies, but I like to mess with their minds. I hold them above
+globes. They freak out and yell "Whooa, I'm *way* too high."
+ -- Bruce Baum
+%
+I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to.
+ -- Elvis Presley
+%
+I don't know what Descartes' got,
+But booze can do what Kant cannot.
+ -- Mike Cross
+%
+I don't know who my grandfather was; I am much
+more concerned to know what his grandson will be.
+ -- Abraham Lincoln
+%
+I don't know why anyone would want a computer in their home.
+ -- Ken Olson, president of DEC, 1974
+%
+I don't know why we're here, I say we all go home and free associate.
+%
+I don't like spinach, and I'm glad I don't,
+because if I liked it I'd eat it, and I'd just hate it.
+ -- Clarence Darrow
+%
+I don't like the Dutchman. He's a crocodile. He's sneaky.
+I don't trust him.
+ -- Jack "Legs" Diamond, just before a peace conference
+ with Dutch Schultz.
+
+I don't trust Legs. He's nuts. He gets excited and starts pulling a
+trigger like another guy wipes his nose.
+ -- Dutch Schultz, just before a peace conference with
+ "Legs" Diamond.
+%
+I don't make the rules, Gil, I only play the game.
+ -- Cash McCall
+%
+I don't mind arguing with myself.
+It's when I lose that it bothers me.
+ -- Richard Powers
+%
+I don't mind what Congress does, as long as they don't do it in the
+streets and frighten the horses.
+ -- Victor Hugo
+%
+I don't need no arms around me...
+I don't need no drugs to calm me...
+I have seen the writing on the wall.
+Don't think I need anything at all.
+No! Don't think I need anything at all!
+All in all, it was all just bricks in the wall.
+All in all, it was all just bricks in the wall.
+ -- Pink Floyd, "Another Brick in the Wall", Part III
+%
+I don't remember it, but I have it written down.
+%
+I don't see what's wrong with giving Bobby a little experience before
+he starts to practice law.
+ -- John F. Kennedy, upon appointing his brother
+ Attorney-General.
+%
+I DON'T THINK I'M ALONE when I say I'd like to see more and more planets
+fall under the ruthless domination of our solar system.
+ -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
+%
+I don't think they are going to give a shit about the Republican
+Committee trying to bug the Democratic Committee's headquarters.
+ -- Richard Nixon, 1972
+%
+"I don't understand," said the scientist, "why you lemmings all rush down
+to the sea and drown yourselves."
+
+"How curious," said the lemming. "The one thing I don't understand is why
+you human beings don't."
+ -- James Thurber
+%
+I don't understand you anymore.
+%
+I don't wanna argue, and I don't wanna fight,
+But there will definitely be a party tonight...
+%
+I don't want a pickle,
+I just wanna ride on my motorcycle.
+And I don't want to die,
+I just want to ride on my motorcycle.
+ -- Arlo Guthrie
+%
+I don't want people to love me. It makes for obligations.
+ -- Jean Anouilh
+%
+I don't want to achieve immortality through my work.
+I want to achieve immortality through not dying.
+ -- Woody Allen
+%
+I don't want to bore you, but there's nobody else around for me to bore.
+%
+I don't want to live on in my work, I want to live on in my apartment.
+ -- Woody Allen
+%
+I don't wish to appear overly inquisitive, but are you still alive?
+%
+I dote on his very absence.
+ -- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice"
+%
+I dread success. To have succeeded is to have finished one's business on
+earth, like the male spider, who is killed by the female the moment he has
+succeeded in his courtship. I like a state of continual becoming, with a
+goal in front and not behind.
+ -- George Bernard Shaw
+%
+I drink to make other people interesting.
+ -- George Jean Nathan
+%
+I either want less decadence or more chance to participate in it.
+%
+I enjoy the time that we spend together.
+%
+I exist, therefore I am paid.
+%
+I fear explanations explanatory of things explained.
+%
+I feel sorry for your brain... all alone in that great big head...
+%
+I fell asleep reading a dull book,
+and I dreamt that I was reading on,
+so I woke up from sheer boredom.
+%
+I figure that if God actually does exist, He's big enough to understand an
+honest difference of opinion.
+ - Isaac Asimov
+%
+I finally went to the eye doctor. I got contacts.
+I only need them to read, so I got flip-ups.
+ -- Steven Wright
+%
+I find this corpse guilty of carrying a concealed weapon and I fine it $40.
+ -- Judge Roy Bean, finding a pistol and $40 on a man he'd
+ just shot.
+%
+I found Rome a city of bricks and left it a city of marble.
+ -- Augustus Caesar
+%
+I gave my love an Apple, that had no core;
+I gave my love a building, that had no floor;
+I wrote my love a program, that had no end;
+I gave my love an upgrade, with no cryin'.
+
+How can there be an Apple, that has no core?
+How can there be a building, that has no floor?
+How can there be a program, that has no end?
+How can there be an upgrade, with no cryin'?
+
+An Apple's MOS memory don't use no core!
+A building that's perfect, it has no flaw!
+A program with GOTOs, it has no end!
+I lied about the upgrade, with no cryin'!
+%
+I generally avoid temptation unless I can't resist it.
+ -- Mae West
+%
+I get my exercise acting as pallbearer to my friends who exercise.
+ -- Chauncey Depew
+%
+I get up each morning, gather my wits.
+Pick up the paper, read the obits.
+If I'm not there I know I'm not dead.
+So I eat a good breakfast and go back to bed.
+
+Oh, how do I know my youth is all spent?
+My get-up-and-go has got-up-and-went.
+But in spite of it all, I'm able to grin,
+And think of the places my get-up has been.
+ -- Pete Seeger
+%
+I give you the man who -- the man who -- uh, I forgets the man who?
+ -- Beauregard Bugleboy
+%
+I go on working for the same reason a hen goes on laying eggs.
+ -- H.L. Mencken
+%
+I go the way that Providence dictates.
+ -- Adolf Hitler
+%
+"I got into an elevator at work and this man followed in after me... I
+pushed '1' and he just stood there... I said 'Hi, where you going?' He
+said, 'Phoenix.' So I pushed Phoenix. A few seconds later the doors
+opened, two tumbleweeds blew in... we were in downtown Phoenix. I looked
+at him and said 'You know, you're the kind of guy I want to hang around
+with.' We got into his car and drove out to his shack in the desert.
+Then the phone rang. He said 'You get it.' I picked it up and said
+'Hello?'... the other side said 'Is this Steven Wright?'... I said 'Yes...'
+The guy said 'Hi, I'm Mr. Jones, the student loan director from your bank...
+It seems you have missed your last 17 payments, and the university you
+attended said that they received none of the $17,000 we loaned you... we
+would just like to know what happened to the money?' I said, 'Mr. Jones,
+I'll give it to you straight. I gave all of the money to my friend Slick,
+and with it he built a nuclear weapon... and I would appreciate it you never
+called me again."
+ -- Stephen Wright
+%
+I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now
+when I get pulled over the cop looks at it (moving it nearer and
+farther, trying to see it clearly)... and says, "Here, you can go."
+ -- Steven Wright
+%
+I got the bill for my surgery. Now I know what those doctors were
+wearing masks for.
+ -- James Boren
+%
+I got this powdered water -- now I don't know what to add.
+ -- Steven Wright
+%
+I got tired of listening to the recording on the phone at the movie
+theater. So I bought the album. I got kicked out of a theater the
+other day for bringing my own food in. I argued that the concession
+stand prices were outrageous. Besides, I hadn't had a barbecue in a
+long time. I went to the theater and the sign said adults $5 children
+$2.50. I told them I wanted 2 boys and a girl. I once took a cab to
+a drive-in movie. The movie cost me $95.
+ -- Steven Wright
+%
+I got vision, and the rest of the world wears bifocals.
+ -- Butch Cassidy
+%
+I GUESS I KINDA LOST CONTROL because in the middle of the play I ran up
+and lit the evil puppet villain on fire.
+
+No, I didn't. Just kidding. I just said that to illustrate one of the
+human emotions which is freaking out. Another emotion is greed, as when
+you kill someone for money or something like that. Another emotion is
+generosity, as when you pay someone double what he paid for his stupid
+puppet.
+ -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
+%
+I GUESS I'LL NEVER FORGET HER. And maybe I don't want to. Her spirit
+was wild, like a wild monkey. Her beauty was like a beautiful horse
+being ridden by a wild monkey. I forget her other qualities.
+ -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
+%
+I guess I've been so wrapped up in playing the game that I never took
+time enough to figure out where the goal line was -- what it meant to
+win -- or even how you won.
+ -- Cash McCall
+%
+I guess I've been wrong all my life, but so have billions of
+other people... Certainty is just an emotion.
+ -- Hal Clement
+%
+I GUESS OF ALL MY UNCLES, I liked Uncle Caveman the best. We called him
+Uncle Caveman because he lived in a cave and because sometimes he'd eat
+one of us. Later, we found out he was a bear.
+ -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
+%
+I guess the Little League is even littler than we thought.
+ -- D. Cavett
+%
+I GUESS WE WERE ALL GUILTY, in a way. We shot him, we skinned him, and
+we all got a complimentary bumper sticker that said, "I helped skin Bob."
+ -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
+%
+I had a dream last night...
+I dreamt about 1976.
+I dreamt about a country with incurable brain damage...
+I even dreamt they gave it a heart transplant.
+Then I woke up and I knew it was only a nightmare...
+so I went back to sleep again.
+ -- Ralph Steadman, "Fear and Loathing '72"
+%
+I had a feeling once about mathematics -- that I saw it all. Depth beyond
+depth was revealed to me -- the Byss and the Abyss. I saw -- as one might
+see the transit of Venus or even the Lord Mayor's Show -- a quantity passing
+through infinity and changing its sign from plus to minus. I saw exactly
+why it happened and why tergiversation was inevitable -- but it was after
+dinner and I let it go.
+ -- Winston Churchill
+%
+I had a virgin once. I had to go to Guatemala for her. She was blind
+in one eye, and she had a stuffed alligator that said, "Welcome to Miami
+Beach."
+ -- The Stunt Man
+%
+I had another dream the other day about government financial management
+people. They were small and rodent-like with padlocked ears, as if they
+had stepped out of a painting by Goya.
+%
+I had another dream the other day about music critics. They were small
+and rodent-like with padlocked ears, as if they had stepped out of a
+painting by Goya.
+ -- Stravinsky
+%
+I had never been too political, but I knew how white people treated black
+people and it was hard for me to come back to the bullshit white people
+put a black person through in this country. To realize you don't have any
+power to make things different is a bitch.
+ -- Miles Davis
+%
+I had no shoes and I pitied myself. Then I met a man who had no feet,
+so I took his shoes.
+ -- Dave Barry
+%
+I had the rare misfortune of being one of the first people to try and
+implement a PL/1 compiler.
+ -- T. Cheatham
+%
+I had to hit him -- he was starting to make sense.
+%
+I hate babies. They're so human.
+ -- H.H. Munro
+%
+I hate dying.
+ -- Dave Johnson
+%
+I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day cause that means
+it's going to be up all night.
+ -- Steven Wright
+%
+I hate mankind, for I think myself one of the best of them,
+and I know how bad I am.
+ -- Samuel Johnson
+%
+I hate quotations.
+ -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
+%
+I hate small towns because once you've seen the cannon in the park
+there's nothing else to do.
+ -- Lenny Bruce
+%
+I hate trolls. Maybe I could metamorph it into something else -- like a
+ravenous, two-headed, fire-breathing dragon.
+ -- Willow
+%
+I have a box of telephone rings under my bed. Whenever I get lonely, I
+open it up a little bit, and I get a phone call. One day I dropped the
+box all over the floor. The phone wouldn't stop ringing. I had to get
+it disconnected. So I got a new phone. I didn't have much money, so I
+had to get an irregular. It doesn't have a five. I ran into a friend
+of mine on the street the other day. He said why don't you give me a
+call. I told him I can't call everybody I want to anymore, my phone
+doesn't have a five. He asked how long had it been that way. I said I
+didn't know -- my calendar doesn't have any sevens.
+ -- S. Wright
+%
+I have a dog; I named him Stay. So when I'd go to call him, I'd say, "Here,
+Stay, here..." but he got wise to that. Now when I call him he ignores me
+and just keeps on typing.
+ -- Stephen Wright
+%
+I have a dream. I have a dream that one day, on the red hills of Georgia,
+the sons of former slaves and the sons of former slaveowners will be able to
+sit down together at the table of brotherhood.
+ -- Martin Luther King, Jr.
+%
+I have a friend whose a billionaire. He invented Cliff's notes. When
+I asked him how he got such a great idea he said, "Well first I...
+I just... to make a long story short..."
+ -- Stephen Wright
+%
+I have a hard time being attracted to anyone who can beat me up.
+ -- John McGrath, Atlanta sportswriter, on women weightlifters.
+%
+I have a hobby. I have the world's largest collection of sea shells.
+I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you've seen
+some of it.
+ -- Steven Wright
+%
+I have a little shadow that goes in and out with me,
+And what can be the use of him is more than I can see.
+He is very, very like me from the heels up to the head;
+And I see him jump before me, when I jump into my bed.
+
+The funniest thing about him is the way he likes to grow--
+Not at all like proper children, which is always very slow;
+For he sometimes shoots up taller, like an india-rubber ball,
+And he sometimes gets so little that there's none of him at all.
+ -- R.L. Stevenson
+%
+I have a map of the United States. It's actual size.
+I spent last summer folding it.
+People ask me where I live, and I say, "E6".
+ -- Steven Wright
+%
+I have a rock garden. Last week three of them died.
+ -- Richard Diran
+%
+I have a simple philosophy:
+
+ Fill what's empty.
+ Empty what's full.
+ Scratch where it itches.
+ -- A.R. Longworth
+%
+I have a switch in my apartment that doesn't do anything. Every once
+in a while I turn it on and off. On and off. On and off. One day I
+got a call from a woman in France who said "Cut it out!"
+ -- Steven Wright
+%
+I have a terrible headache, I was putting on toilet water and the lid fell.
+%
+I have a theory that it's impossible to prove anything,
+but I can't prove it.
+%
+I have a very small mind and must live with it.
+ -- Edsger W. Dijkstra
+%
+I have a very strange feeling about this...
+ -- Luke Skywalker
+%
+"I have accepted Provolone into my life!"
+ -- Zippy the Pinhead
+%
+I have already given two cousins to the war and I stand ready to
+sacrifice my wife's brother.
+ -- Artemus Ward
+%
+I have always noticed that whenever a radical takes
+to Imperialism, he catches it in a very acute form.
+ -- Winston Churchill, 1903
+%
+I have an existential map. It has "You are here" written all over it.
+ -- Steven Wright
+%
+I have become me without my consent.
+%
+I have come up with a surefire concept for a hit television show, which
+would be called "A Live Celebrity Gets Eaten by a Shark."
+ -- Dave Barry, "The Wonders of Sharks on TV"
+%
+I have come up with a sure-fire concept for a hit television show,
+which would be called `A Live Celebrity Gets Eaten by a Shark'.
+ -- Dave Barry
+%
+I have defined the hundred per cent American as ninety-nine per
+cent an idiot.
+ -- George Bernard Shaw
+%
+I have discovered that all human evil comes from this, man's being unable
+to sit still in a room.
+ -- Blaise Pascal
+%
+I have discovered the art of deceiving diplomats.
+I tell them the truth and they never believe me.
+ -- Camillo Di Cavour
+%
+I have found it impossible to carry the heavy burden of responsibility and
+to discharge my duties as king as I would wish to do without the help and
+support of the woman I love.
+ -- Edward, Duke of Windsor, 1936, announcing his abdication
+ of the British throne in order to marry the American
+ divorcee Wallis Warfield Simpson.
+%
+I have found little that is good about human beings. In my experience
+most of them are trash.
+ -- Sigmund Freud
+%
+I have gained this by philosophy:
+that I do without being commanded what others
+do only from fear of the law.
+ -- Aristotle
+%
+I have given two cousins to war and I stand ready to sacrifice my
+wife's brother.
+ -- Artemus Ward
+%
+I have great faith in fools -- self confidence my friends call it.
+ -- Edgar Allan Poe
+%
+I have had my television aerials removed. It's the moral equivalent
+of a prostate operation.
+ -- Malcolm Muggeridge
+%
+I have hardly ever known a mathematician who was capable of reasoning.
+ -- Plato
+%
+I have just had eighteen whiskeys in a row.
+I do believe that is a record.
+ -- Dylan Thomas, his last words
+%
+I have learned silence from the talkative,
+toleration from the intolerant, and kindness from the unkind.
+ -- Kahlil Gibran
+%
+I have lots of things in my pockets;
+None of them is worth anything.
+Sociopolitical whines aside,
+Gan you give me, gratis, free,
+The price of half a gallon
+Of Gallo extra bad
+And most of the bus fare home.
+%
+I have made mistakes but I have never made the
+mistake of claiming that I have never made one.
+ -- James Gordon Bennett
+%
+I have made this letter longer than usual
+because I lack the time to make it shorter.
+ -- Blaise Pascal
+%
+I have more hit points that you can possible imagine.
+%
+I have more humility in my little finger than you have in your whole BODY!
+ -- Cerebus, #82
+%
+I have never been one to sacrifice
+my appetite on the altar of appearance.
+ -- A.M. Readyhough
+%
+I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.
+ -- Mark Twain
+%
+I have never seen anything fill up a vacuum so fast and still suck.
+ -- Rob Pike, on X.
+
+Steve Jobs said two years ago that X is brain-damaged and it will be
+gone in two years. He was half right.
+ -- Dennis Ritchie
+
+Dennis Ritchie is twice as bright as Steve Jobs, and only half wrong.
+ -- Jim Gettys
+%
+I have never understood this liking for war. It panders to instincts
+already catered for within the scope of any respectable domestic
+establishment.
+ -- Alan Bennett
+%
+I have no doubt that it is a part of the destiny of the human race,
+in its gradual improvement, to leave off eating animals.
+ -- Thoreau
+%
+I have no doubt the Devil grins,
+As seas of ink I spatter.
+Ye gods, forgive my "literary" sins--
+The other kind don't matter.
+ -- Robert W. Service
+%
+I have no right, by anything I do or say, to demean a human being in his
+own eyes. What matters is not what I think of him; it is what he thinks
+of himself. To undermine a man's self-respect is a sin.
+ -- Antoine de Saint-Exupery
+%
+I have not yet begun to byte!
+%
+I have nothing but utter contempt for the courts of this land.
+ -- George Wallace
+%
+I have now come to the conclusion never again to think of marrying,
+and for this reason: I can never be satisfied with anyone who would
+be blockhead enough to have me.
+ -- Abraham Lincoln
+%
+I have often looked at women and committed adultery in my heart.
+ -- Jimmy Carter
+%
+I have often regretted my speech, never my silence.
+ -- Publilius Syrus
+%
+I have sacrificed time, health, and fortune, in the desire to complete these
+Calculating Engines. I have also declined several offers of great personal
+advantage to myself. But, notwithstanding the sacrifice of these advantages
+for the purpose of maturing an engine of almost intellectual power, and
+after expending from my own private fortune a larger sum than the government
+of England has spent on that machine, the execution of which it only
+commenced, I have received neither an acknowledgement of my labors, not even
+the offer of those honors or rewards which are allowed to fall within the
+reach of men who devote themselves to purely scientific investigations...
+ If the work upon which I have bestowed so much time and thought were
+a mere triumph over mechanical difficulties, or simply curious, or if the
+execution of such engines were of doubtful practicability or utility, some
+justification might be found for the course which has been taken; but I
+venture to assert that no mathematician who has a reputation to lose will
+ever publicly express an opinion that such a machine would be useless if
+made, and that no man distinguished as a civil engineer will venture to
+declare the construction of such machinery impracticable...
+ And at a period when the progress of physical science is obstructed
+by that exhausting intellectual and manual labor, indispensable for its
+advancement, which it is the object of the Analytical Engine to relieve, I
+think the application of machinery in aid of the most complicated and abstruse
+calculations can no longer be deemed unworthy of the attention of the country.
+In fact, there is no reason why mental as well as bodily labor should not
+be economized by the aid of machinery.
+ -- Charles Babbage, "The Life of a Philosopher"
+%
+I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer.
+ -- Kehlog Albran
+%
+I have seen the Great Pretender and he is not what he seems.
+%
+I have that old biological urge,
+I have that old irresistible surge,
+I'm hungry.
+%
+I have the simplest tastes. I am always satisfied with the best.
+ -- Oscar Wilde
+%
+I have to think hard to name an interesting man who does not drink.
+ -- Richard Burton
+%
+I have travelled the length and breadth of this country, and have talked with
+the best people in business administration. I can assure you on the highest
+authority that data processing is a fad and won't last out the year.
+ -- Editor in charge of business books at Prentice-Hall
+ publishers, responding to Karl V. Karlstrom (a junior
+ editor who had recommended a manuscript on the new
+ science of data processing), c. 1957
+%
+I have ways of making money that you know nothing of.
+ -- John D. Rockefeller
+%
+I have yet to see any problem, however complicated, which, when
+you looked at it in the right way, did not become still more complicated.
+ -- Poul Anderson
+%
+I haven't lost my mind -- it's backed up on tape somewhere.
+%
+I haven't lost my mind; I know exactly where I left it.
+%
+I hear the sound that the machines make,
+and feel my heart break, just for a moment.
+%
+I hear what you're saying but I just don't care.
+%
+I heard a definition of an intellectual, that I thought was very
+interesting: a man who takes more words than are necessary to tell
+more than he knows.
+ -- Dwight D. Eisenhower
+%
+I hold it, that a little rebellion, now and then, is a good thing...
+ -- Thomas Jefferson
+%
+I hold your hand in mine, dear, I press it to my lips,
+I take a healthy bite from your dainty fingertips,
+My joy would be complete, dear, if you were only here,
+But still I keep your hand as a precious souvenir.
+
+The night you died I cut it off, I really don't know why,
+For now each time I kiss it I get bloodstains on my tie,
+I'm sorry now I killed you, our love was something fine,
+So until they come to get me I will hold your hand in mine.
+
+ -- Tom Lehrer, "I Hold Your Hand In Mine"
+%
+I hope you're not pretending to be evil while
+secretly being good. That would be dishonest.
+%
+I just asked myself... what would John DeLorean do?
+ -- Raoul Duke
+%
+I just ate a whole package of Sweet Tarts and a can of Coke.
+I think I saw God.
+ -- B. Hathrume Duk
+%
+I just got off the phone with Sonny Barger [President of the Hell's Angels].
+He wants me to appear as a character witness for him at his murder trial
+and said he'd be glad to appear as a character witness on my behalf if I
+ever needed one. Needless to say, I readily agreed.
+ -- Thomas King Forcade, publisher of "High Times"
+%
+I just got out of the hospital after a
+speed reading accident. I hit a bookmark.
+ -- S. Wright
+%
+I just know I'm a better manager when I have Joe DiMaggio in center field.
+ -- Casey Stengel
+%
+I just need enough to tide me over until I need more.
+ -- Bill Hoest
+%
+"I keep seeing spots in front of my eyes."
+"Did you ever see a doctor?"
+"No, just spots."
+%
+I kissed my first girl and smoked my first cigarette on the same day.
+I haven't had time for tobacco since.
+ -- Arturo Toscanini
+%
+I knew her before she was a virgin.
+ -- Oscar Levant, on Doris Day
+%
+I *knew* I had some reason for not logging you off...
+If I could just remember what it was.
+%
+I knew one thing: as soon as anyone said you didn't need a gun, you'd better
+take one along that worked.
+ -- Raymond Chandler
+%
+I know if you been talkin' you done said
+just how surprised you wuz by the living dead.
+You wuz surprised that they could understand you words
+and never respond once to all the truth they heard.
+But don't you get square!
+There ain't no rule that says they got to care.
+They can always swear they're deaf, dumb and blind.
+%
+I know not how I came into this,
+shall I call it a dying life or a living death?
+ -- St. Augustine
+%
+I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but
+World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.
+ -- Albert Einstein
+%
+I know on which side my bread is buttered.
+ -- John Heywood
+%
+I know the answer! The answer lies within the heart of all mankind!
+The answer is twelve? I think I'm in the wrong building.
+ -- Charles Schulz
+%
+I know the disposition of women: when you will, they won't; when
+you won't, they set their hearts upon you of their own inclination.
+ -- Publius Terentius Afer (Terence)
+%
+I know what "custody" [of the children] means. "Get even." That's all
+custody means. Get even with your old lady.
+ -- Lenny Bruce
+%
+"I know what you're thinking -- `Did he fire six shots or only five?'
+Well, to tell you the truth, in all the excitement, I kind of lost track
+myself. But being this is a .44 Magnum, the most powerful handgun in the
+world, and would blow your head clean off, you've got to ask yourself
+one question: `Do I feel lucky?' Well, do you, punk?"
+ -- Harry Callahan, badge #2211
+%
+I know you believe you understand what you think this fortune says,
+but I'm not sure you realize that what you are reading is not what
+it means.
+%
+I know you think you thought you knew what you thought I said,
+but I'm not sure you understood what you thought I meant.
+%
+I know you're in search of yourself, I just haven't seen you anywhere.
+%
+I lately lost a preposition;
+It hid, I thought, beneath my chair
+And angrily I cried, "Perdition!
+Up from out of under there."
+
+Correctness is my vade mecum,
+And straggling phrases I abhor,
+And yet I wondered, "What should he come
+Up from out of under for?"
+ -- Morris Bishop
+%
+I lay my head on the railroad tracks,
+Waitin' for the double E.
+The railroad don't run no more.
+Poor poor pitiful me. [chorus]
+ Poor poor pitiful me, poor poor pitiful me.
+ These young girls won't let me be,
+ Lord have mercy on me!
+ Woe is me!
+
+Well, I met a girl, West Hollywood,
+Well, I ain't naming names.
+But she really worked me over good,
+She was just like Jesse James.
+She really worked me over good,
+She was a credit to her gender.
+She put me through some changes, boy,
+Sort of like a Waring blender. [chorus]
+
+I met a girl at the Rainbow Bar,
+She asked me if I'd beat her.
+She took me back to the Hyatt House,
+I don't want to talk about it. [chorus]
+ -- Warren Zevon, "Poor Poor Pitiful Me"
+%
+I learned to play guitar just to get the girls, and anyone who says they
+didn't is just lyin'!
+ -- Willie Nelson
+%
+I like being single. I'm always there when I need me.
+ -- Art Leo
+%
+I like myself, but I won't say I'm as handsome as the bull
+that kidnapped Europa.
+ -- Marcus Tullius Cicero
+%
+I like to believe that people in the long run are going to do more to
+promote peace than our governments. Indeed, I think that people want
+peace so much that one of these days governments had better get out of
+the way and let them have it.
+ -- Dwight D. Eisenhower
+%
+I like work; it fascinates me; I can sit and look at it for hours.
+%
+I like young girls. Their stories are shorter.
+ -- Tom McGuane
+%
+I like your game but we have to change the rules.
+%
+I live the way I type; fast, with a lot of mistakes.
+%
+I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts
+to bite people themselves.
+ -- August Strindberg
+%
+I look at life as being cruise director on the Titanic.
+I may not get there, but I'm going first class.
+ -- Art Buchwald
+%
+I love being married. It's so great to find that one special
+person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
+ -- Rita Rudner
+%
+I love children. Especially when they cry -- for then
+someone takes them away.
+ -- Nancy Mitford
+%
+I love dogs, but I hate Chihuahuas. A Chihuahua isn't a dog.
+It's a rat with a thyroid problem.
+%
+I love mankind ... It's people I hate.
+ -- Schulz
+%
+I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I've ever known.
+ -- Walt Disney
+%
+I love the smell of napalm in the morning.
+ -- Robert Duval, "Apocalypse Now"
+%
+I love treason but hate a traitor.
+ -- Gaius Julius Caesar
+%
+I love you more than anything in this world. I don't expect that will last.
+ -- Elvis Costello
+%
+I love you, not only for what you are,
+but for what I am when I am with you.
+ -- Roy Croft
+%
+I loved her with a love thirsty and desperate. I felt that we two might
+commit some act so atrocious that the world, seeing us, would find it
+irresistible.
+ -- Gene Wolfe, "The Shadow of the Torturer"
+%
+I married beneath me. All women do.
+ -- Lady Nancy Astor
+%
+I may be getting older, but I refuse to grow up!
+%
+I may kid around about drugs, but really, I take them seriously.
+ -- Doctor Graper
+%
+I may not be totally perfect, but parts of me are excellent.
+ -- Ashleigh Brilliant
+%
+I met a wonderful new man. He's fictional, but you can't have everything.
+ -- Cecelia, "The Purple Rose of Cairo"
+%
+I met my latest girl friend in a department store. She was looking at
+clothes, and I was putting Slinkys on the escalators.
+ -- Steven Wright
+%
+I might have gone to West Point, but I was too proud to speak to a
+congressman.
+ -- Will Rogers
+%
+I must Create a System, or be enslav'd by another Man's;
+I will not Reason and Compare; my business is to Create.
+ -- William Blake, "Jerusalem"
+%
+I must get out of these wet clothes and into a dry Martini.
+ -- Alexander Woolcott
+%
+I must have a prodigious quantity of mind; it takes me as much as a
+week sometimes to make it up.
+ -- Mark Twain, "The Innocents Abroad"
+%
+I must have slipped a disk -- my pack hurts!
+%
+I myself have dreamed up a structure intermediate between Dyson spheres
+and planets. Build a ring 93 million miles in radius -- one Earth orbit
+-- around the sun. If we have the mass of Jupiter to work with, and if
+we make it a thousand miles wide, we get a thickness of about a thousand
+feet for the base.
+
+And it has advantages. The Ringworld will be much sturdier than a Dyson
+sphere. We can spin it on its axis for gravity. A rotation speed of 770
+m/s will give us a gravity of one Earth normal. We wouldn't even need to
+roof it over. Place walls one thousand miles high at each edge, facing the
+sun. Very little air will leak over the edges.
+
+Lord knows the thing is roomy enough. With three million times the surface
+area of the Earth, it will be some time before anyone complains of the
+crowding.
+ -- Larry Niven, "Ringworld"
+%
+I need another lawyer like I need another hole in my head.
+ -- Fratianno
+%
+I needed the good will of the legislature of four states. I formed the
+legislative bodies with my own money. I found that it was cheaper that
+way.
+ -- Jay Gould
+%
+I never cheated an honest man, only rascals. They wanted
+something for nothing. I gave them nothing for something.
+ -- Joseph "Yellow Kid" Weil
+%
+I never deny, I never contradict. I sometimes forget.
+ -- Benjamin Disraeli, British PM, on dealing with the
+ Royal Family
+%
+I never did it that way before.
+%
+I never expected to see the day when girls would get sunburned in the
+places they do today.
+ -- Will Rogers
+%
+I never failed to convince an audience that the best thing they
+could do was to go away.
+%
+I never forget a face, but in your case I'll make an exception.
+ -- Groucho Marx
+%
+I never killed a man that didn't deserve it.
+ -- Mickey Cohen
+%
+I never loved another person the way I loved myself.
+ -- Mae West
+%
+I never made a mistake in my life.
+I thought I did once, but I was wrong.
+ -- Lucy Van Pelt
+%
+I never met a man I didn't want to fight.
+ -- Lyle Alzado, professional footbal lineman
+%
+I never met a piece of chocolate I didn't like.
+%
+I never pray before meals -- my mom's a good cook.
+%
+I never said all Democrats were saloonkeepers;
+what I said was all saloonkeepers were Democrats.
+%
+I never saw a purple cow
+I never hope to see one
+But I can tell you anyhow
+I'd rather see than be one.
+ -- Gellett Burgess
+
+I've never seen a purple cow
+I never hope to see one
+But from the milk we're getting now
+There certainly must be one
+ -- Odgen Nash
+
+Ah, yes, I wrote "The Purple Cow"
+I'm sorry now I wrote it
+But I can tell you anyhow
+I'll kill you if you quote it.
+ -- Gellett Burgess, many years later
+%
+I never take work home with me; I always leave it in some bar along the way.
+%
+I never vote for anyone. I always vote against.
+ -- W.C. Fields
+%
+I often quote myself; it adds spice to my conversation.
+ -- G.B. Shaw
+%
+I only know what I read in the papers.
+ -- Will Rogers
+%
+I opened the drawer of my little desk and a single letter fell out, a
+letter from my mother, written in pencil, one of her last, with unfinished
+words and an implicit sense of her departure. It's so curious: one can
+resist tears and "behave" very well in the hardest hours of grief. But
+then someone makes you a friendly sign behind a window... or one notices
+that a flower that was in bud only yesterday has suddenly blossomed... or
+a letter slips from a drawer... and everything collapses.
+ -- Letters From Colette
+%
+I owe, I owe,
+It's off to work I go...
+%
+I owe the government $3400 in taxes. So I sent them two hammers and a
+toilet seat.
+ -- Michael McShane
+%
+I owe the public nothing.
+ -- J.P. Morgan
+%
+I own my own body, but I share.
+%
+I place economy among the first and most important virtues, and public debt as
+the greatest of dangers to be feared. To preserve our independence, we must
+not let our rulers load us with perpetual debt. If we run into such debts, we
+must be taxed in our meat and drink, in our necessities and in our comforts,
+in our labor and in our amusements. If we can prevent the government from
+wasting the labor of the people, under the pretense of caring for them, they
+will be happy.
+ -- Thomas Jefferson
+%
+I played lead guitar in a band called The Federal Duck, which is the kind
+of name that was popular in the '60s as a result of controlled substances
+being in widespread use. Back then, there were no restrictions, in terms
+of talent, on who could make an album, so we made one, and it sounds like
+a group of people who have been given powerful but unfamiliar instruments
+as a therapy for a degenerative nerve disease.
+ -- Dave Barry
+%
+I pledge allegiance to the flag
+of the United States of America
+and to the republic for which it stands,
+one nation,
+indivisible,
+with liberty
+and justice for all.
+ -- Francis Bellamy, 1892
+%
+I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
+ -- S. Wright
+%
+I prefer rogues to imbeciles because they sometimes take a rest.
+ -- Alexandre Dumas the Younger
+%
+I prefer the most unjust peace to the most righteous war.
+ -- Cicero
+
+Even peace may be purchased at too high a price.
+ -- Poor Richard
+%
+I profoundly believe it takes a lot of practice to become a moral slob.
+ -- William F. Buckley
+%
+I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats
+on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.
+ -- Stephen Wright
+%
+I put instant coffee in a microwave and almost went back in time.
+ -- Steven Wright
+%
+I put instant coffee in a microwave, and almost went back in time.
+ -- Stephen Wright
+%
+I put instant coffee in my microwave oven and almost went back in time.
+ -- Stephen Wright
+%
+I put the shotgun in an Adidas bag and padded it out with four pairs of
+tennis socks, not my style at all, but that was what I was aiming for: If
+they think you're crude, go technical; if they think you're technical, go
+crude. I'm a very technical boy. So I decided to get as crude as possible.
+These days, though, you have to be pretty technical before you can even
+aspire to crudeness.
+ -- William Gibson, "Johnny Mnemonic"
+%
+I put up my thumb... and it blotted out the planet Earth.
+ -- Neil Armstrong
+%
+I quite agree with you, said the Duchess; and the moral of that is -- 'Be
+what you would seem to be' -- or, if you'd like it put more simply -- 'Never
+imagine yourself not to be otherwise than what it might appear to others
+that what you were or might have been was not otherwise than what you had
+been would have appeared to them to be otherwise.'
+%
+I read a column by George Will that Scarface should be rated X because
+parents were taking their children to see it. So what? Why should the
+motion-picture industry be responsible for our morality?
+ Dad says to Mom, "Honey, Scarface is in town."
+ "What's it about?"
+ "Human scum who kill each other over cocaine deals."
+ "Sounds great! Let's take the kids!"
+ -- Ian Shoales
+%
+I read Playboy for the same reason I read National Geographic.
+To see the sights I'm never going to visit.
+%
+I read the newspaper avidly. It is my one form of continuous fiction.
+ -- Aneurin Bevan
+%
+I realize that today you have a number of top female athletes such as
+Martina Navratilova who can run like deer and bench-press Chevrolet
+trucks. But to be brutally frank, women as a group have a long way to
+go before they reach the level of intensity and dedication to sports
+that enables men to be such incredible jerks about it.
+ -- Dave Barry, "Sports is a Drag"
+%
+I really had to act; 'cause I didn't have any lines.
+ -- Marilyn Chambers
+%
+I really hate this damned machine
+I wish that they would sell it.
+It never does quite what I want
+But only what I tell it.
+%
+I really look with commiseration over the great body of my fellow citizens
+who, reading newspapers, live and die in the belief that they have known
+something of what has been passing in their time.
+ -- H. Truman
+%
+I recently moved into a new apartment, and there was this switch on the
+wall that didn't do anything... so anytime I had nothing to do, I'd just
+flick that switch up and down... up and down... up and down...
+Then one day I got a letter from a woman in Germany... it just said
+"Cut it out."
+ -- Stephen Wright
+%
+I recognize terror as the finest emotion and so I will try to terrorize the
+reader. But if I find that I cannot terrify, I will try to horrify, and if
+I find that I cannot horrify, I'll go for the gross-out.
+ -- Stephen King
+%
+I refuse to consign the whole male sex to the nursery. I insist on
+believing that some men are my equals.
+ -- Brigid Brophy
+%
+I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed person.
+%
+I remember once being on a station platform in Cleveland at four in the
+morning. A black porter was carrying my bags, and as we were waiting for
+the train to come in, he said to me: "Excuse me, Mr. Cooke, I don't want to
+invade your privacy, but I have a bet with a friend of mine. Who composed
+the opening theme music of 'Omnibus'? My friend said Virgil Thomson." I
+asked him, "What do you say?" He replied, "I say Aaron Copeland." I said,
+"You're right." The porter said, "I knew Thomson doesn't write counterpoint
+that way." I told that to a network president, and he was deeply unimpressed.
+ -- Alistair Cooke
+%
+I remember Ulysses well... Left one day for the post office
+to mail a letter, met a blonde named Circe on the streetcar,
+and didn't come back for 20 years.
+%
+I remember when legal used to mean lawful, now it means some
+kind of loophole.
+ -- Leo Kessler
+%
+I replaced the headlights on my car with strobe lights. Now it
+looks like I'm the only one moving.
+ -- Steven Wright
+%
+I respect faith, but doubt is what gives you an education.
+ -- Wilson Mizner
+%
+I respect the institution of marriage. I have always thought that every
+woman should marry -- and no man.
+ -- Benjamin Disraeli, "Lothair"
+%
+I reverently believe that the maker who made us all makes everything in New
+England, but the weather. I don't know who makes that, but I think it must be
+raw apprentices in the weather-clerks factory who experiment and learn how, in
+New England, for board and clothes, and then are promoted to make weather for
+countries that require a good article, and will take their custom elsewhere
+if they don't get it.
+ -- Mark Twain
+%
+"I said, "Preacher, give me strength for round 5."
+He said,"What you need is to grow up, son."
+I said,"Growin' up leads to growin' old,
+And then to dying, and to me that don't sound like much fun."
+ -- John Cougar, "The Authority Song"
+%
+I sat down beside her, said hello, offered to buy her a drink...
+and then natural selection reared its ugly head.
+%
+I saw a man pursuing the Horizon,
+'Round and round they sped.
+I was disturbed at this,
+I accosted the man,
+"It is futile," I said.
+"You can never--"
+"You lie!" He cried,
+and ran on.
+ -- Stephen Crane
+%
+I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.
+ -- Stephen Wright
+%
+I saw Lassie. It took me four shows to figure out why the hairy kid
+never spoke. I mean, he could roll over and all that, but did that
+deserve a series?"
+%
+I saw what you did and I know who you are.
+%
+I see a bad moon rising.
+I see trouble on the way.
+I see earthquakes and lightnin'
+I see bad times today.
+Don't go 'round tonight,
+It's bound to take your life.
+There's a bad moon on the rise.
+ -- J. C. Fogerty, "Bad Moon Rising"
+%
+I see a good deal of talk from Washington about lowering taxes. I hope
+they do get 'em lowered down enough so people can afford to pay 'em.
+ -- The Best of Will Rogers
+%
+I see where we are starting to pay some attention to our neigbors to
+the south. We could never understand why Mexico wasn't just crazy about
+us; for we have always had their good will, and oil and minerals, at heart.
+ -- The Best of Will Rogers
+%
+I sent a letter to the fish, I said it very loud and clear,
+I told them, "This is what I wish." I went and shouted in his ear.
+The little fishes of the sea, But he was very stiff and proud,
+They sent an answer back to me. He said "You needn't shout so loud."
+The little fishes' answer was And he was very proud and stiff,
+"We cannot do it, sir, because..." He said "I'll go and wake them if..."
+I sent a letter back to say I took a kettle from the shelf,
+It would be better to obey. I went to wake them up myself.
+But someone came to me and said But when I found the door was locked
+"The little fishes are in bed." I pulled and pushed and kicked and
+ knocked,
+I said to him, and I said it plain And when I found the door was shut,
+"Then you must wake them up again." I tried to turn the handle, But...
+
+ "Is that all?" asked Alice.
+ "That is all." said Humpty Dumpty. "Goodbye."
+%
+I sent a message to another time,
+But as the days unwind -- this I just can't believe,
+I sent a message to another plane,
+Maybe it's all a game -- but this I just can't conceive.
+...
+I met someone who looks at lot like you,
+She does the things you do, but she is an IBM.
+She's only programmed to be very nice,
+But she's as cold as ice, whenever I get too near,
+She tells me that she likes me very much,
+But when I try to touch, she makes it all too clear.
+...
+I realize that it must seem so strange,
+That time has rearranged, but time has the final word,
+She knows I think of you, she reads my mind,
+She tries to be unkind, she knows nothing of our world.
+ -- ELO, "Yours Truly, 2095"
+%
+I shall come to you in the night and we shall see who is stronger --
+a little girl who won't eat her dinner or a great big man with cocaine
+in his veins.
+ -- Sigmund Freud, in a letter to his fiancee
+%
+I shall give a propagandist reason for starting the war, no matter whether
+it is plausible or not. The victor will not be asked afterwards whether
+he told the truth or not. When starting and waging war it is not right
+that matters, but victory.
+ -- Adolph Hitler
+%
+I shot an arrow in to the air, and it stuck.
+ -- graffito in Los Angeles
+
+On a clear day,
+U.C.L.A.
+ -- graffito in San Francisco
+
+There's so much pollution in the air now that if it weren't for our
+lungs there'd be no place to put it all.
+ -- Robert Orben
+%
+I shot an arrow into the air, and it stuck.
+ -- Los Angeles graffito
+%
+I should have been a country-western singer. After all, I'm older than
+most western countries.
+ -- George Burns
+%
+I smell a wumpus.
+%
+I sold my memoirs of my love life to Parker
+Brothers -- they're going to make a game out of it.
+ -- Woody Allen
+%
+I sometimes think that God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his
+ability.
+ -- Oscar Wilde
+%
+I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
+ -- Stephen Wright
+%
+I spilled spot remover on my dog and now he's gone.
+ -- Stephen Wright
+%
+I steal.
+ -- Sam Giancana, explaining his livelihood to his draft board
+
+Easy. I own Chicago. I own Miami. I own Las Vegas.
+ -- Sam Giancana, when asked what he did for a living
+%
+I stick my neck out for nobody.
+ -- Humphrey Bogart, "Casablanca"
+%
+I stood on the leading edge,
+The eastern seaboard at my feet.
+"Jump!" said Yoko Ono
+I'm too scared and good-looking, I cried.
+Go on and give it a try,
+Why prolong the agony, all men must die.
+ -- Roger Waters, "The Pros and Cons of Hitchhiking"
+%
+I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to
+see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph.
+ -- Shirley Temple
+%
+I stopped believing in Santa Claus when my mother took me to see him in a
+department store, and he asked for my autograph.
+ -- Shirley Temple
+%
+I suggest a new strategy, Artoo: let the Wookiee win.
+ -- CP30
+%
+I suppose I could collect my books and get on back to school,
+Or steal my daddy's cue and make a living out of playing pool,
+Or find myself a rock 'n' roll band,
+That needs a helping hand,
+Oh, Maggie I wish I'd never seen your face.
+ -- Rod Stewart, "Maggie May"
+%
+I suppose some of the variation between Boston drivers and the rest of the
+country is due to the progressive Massachusetts Driver Education Manual which
+I happen to have in my top desk drawer. Some of the Tips for Better Driving
+are worth considering, to wit:
+
+[110.13]:
+ "When traveling on a one-way street, stay to the right, so as not
+ to interfere with oncoming traffic."
+
+[22.17b]:
+ "Learning to change lanes takes time and patience. The best
+ recommendation that can be made is to go to a Celtics [basketball]
+ game; study the fast break and then go out and practice it
+ on the highway."
+
+[41.16]:
+ "Never bump a baby carriage out of a crosswalk unless the kid's really
+ asking for it."
+%
+I suppose some of the variation between Boston drivers and the rest of the
+country is due to the progressive Massachusetts Driver Education Manual which
+I happen to have in my top desk drawer. Some of the Tips for Better Driving
+are worth considering, to wit:
+
+[131.16d]:
+ "Directional signals are generally not used except during vehicle
+ inspection; however, a left-turn signal is appropriate when making
+ a U-turn on a divided highway."
+
+[96.7b]:
+ "When paying tolls, remember that it is necessary to release the
+ quarter a full 3 seconds before passing the basket if you are
+ traveling more than 60 MPH."
+
+[110.13]:
+ "When traveling on a one-way street, stay to the right, so as not
+ to interfere with oncoming traffic."
+%
+I suppose some of the variation between Boston drivers and the rest of the
+country is due to the progressive Massachusetts Driver Education Manual which
+I happen to have in my top desk drawer. Some of the Tips for Better Driving
+are worth considering, to wit:
+
+[173.15b]:
+ "When competing for a section of road or a parking space, remember
+ that the vehicle in need of the most body work has the right-of-way."
+
+[141.2a]:
+ "Although it is altogether possible to fit a 6' car into a 6'
+ parking space, it is hardly ever possible to fit a 6' car into
+ a 5' parking space."
+
+[105.31]:
+ "Teenage drivers believe that they are immortal, and drive accordingly.
+ Nevertheless, you should avoid the temptation to prove them wrong."
+%
+I suppose that in a few hours I will sober up. That's such a sad
+thought. I think I'll have a few more drinks to prepare myself.
+%
+"I suppose you expect me to talk."
+"No, Mr. Bond. I expect you to die."
+ -- Goldfinger
+%
+I tell them to turn to the study of mathematics, for it
+is only there that they might escape the lusts of the flesh.
+ -- Thomas Mann, "The Magic Mountain"
+%
+I tell ya, drugs never worked out for me. The first time I tried smoking
+pot I didn't know what I was doing. I smoked half the joint, got the
+munchies, and ate the other half.
+
+Well, the first time I tried coke I was so embarrassed. I kept getting the
+bottle stuck up my nose.
+ -- Rodney Dangerfield
+%
+I tell ya, gambling never agreed with me. Last week I went to the track
+and they shot my horse with the opening gun.
+
+Well, just last week I was at a Chinese restaurant and when I opened my
+fortune cookie I found the guy's check sitting at the next table. I said,
+"Hey, buddy, I got your check", he said, "Thanks."
+ -- Rodney Dangerfield
+%
+I tell ya, I knew my morning wasn't going right. When I put on my shirt
+the button fell off, when I picked up my briefcase, the handle fell off,
+I tell ya, I was afraid to go to the bathroom.
+ -- Rodney Dangerfield
+%
+I tell ya, I was an ugly kid. I was so ugly that my dad
+kept the kid's picture that came with the wallet he bought.
+ -- Rodney Dangerfield
+%
+I think... I think it's in my basement... Let me go upstairs and check.
+ -- Escher
+%
+I think a relationship is like a shark. It has to constantly move forward
+or it dies. Well, what we have on our hands here is a dead shark.
+ -- Woody Allen
+%
+I think all right-thinking people in this country are sick and tired of
+being told that ordinary, decent people are fed up in this country with being
+sick and tired. I'm certainly not! But I'm sick and tired of being told
+that I am!
+ -- Monty Python
+%
+"I think he said 'Blessed are the cheesemakers.'"
+"Nonsense, he was obviously referring to all manafacturers of dairy products."
+ -- The Life of Brian
+%
+I think I'll snatch a kiss and flee.
+ -- Shakespeare
+%
+I think I'm schizophrenic. One half of me's
+paranoid and the other half's out to get him.
+%
+I THINK MAN INVENTED THE CAR by instinct.
+ -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
+%
+I think she must have been very strictly brought up, she's so
+desperately anxious to do the wrong thing correctly.
+ -- Saki, "Reginald on Worries"
+%
+I think that God in creating man somewhat overestimated his ability.
+ -- Oscar Wilde
+%
+I think that I shall never hear
+A poem lovelier than beer.
+The stuff that Joe's Bar has on tap,
+With golden base and snowy cap.
+The stuff that I can drink all day
+Until my mem'ry melts away.
+Poems are made by fools, I fear
+But only Schlitz can make a beer.
+%
+I think that I shall never see
+A billboard lovely as a tree.
+Indeed, unless the billboards fall
+I'll never see a tree at all.
+ -- Nash
+%
+I think that I shall never see
+A thing as lovely as a tree.
+But as you see the trees have gone
+They went this morning with the dawn.
+A logging firm from out of town
+Came and chopped the trees all down.
+But I will trick those dirty skunks
+And write a brand new poem called 'Trunks'.
+%
+I think the world is ready for the story of an ugly duckling, who grew up to
+remain an ugly duckling, and lived happily ever after.
+ -- Chick
+%
+I think the world is run by C students.
+ -- Al McGuire
+%
+I THINK THERE SHOULD BE SOMETHING in science called the "reindeer effect."
+I don't know what it would be, but I think it'd be good to hear someone
+say, "Gentlemen, what we have here is a terrifying example of the reindeer
+effect."
+ -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
+%
+I think, therefore I am... I think.
+%
+I think there's a world market for about five computers.
+ -- attr. Thomas J. Watson (Chairman of the Board, IBM), 1943
+%
+I THINK THEY SHOULD CONTINUE the policy of not giving a Nobel Prize for
+paneling.
+ -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
+%
+I think we are in Rats Alley where the dead men lost their bones.
+ -- T.S. Eliot
+%
+I think we're all Bozos on this bus.
+ -- Firesign Theatre
+%
+I think we're in trouble.
+ -- Han Solo
+%
+I think your opinions are reasonable,
+except for the one about my mental instability.
+ -- Psychology Professor, Farifield University
+%
+"I thought that you said you were 20 years old!"
+"As a programmer, yes," she replied,
+"And you claimed to be very near two meters tall!"
+"You said you were blonde, but you lied!"
+Oh, she was a hacker and he was one, too,
+They had so much in common, you'd say.
+They exchanged jokes and poems, and clever new hacks,
+And prompts that were cute or risque'.
+He sent her a picture of his brother Sam,
+She sent one from some past high school day,
+And it might have gone on for the rest of their lives,
+If they hadn't met in L.A.
+"Your beard is an armpit," she said in disgust.
+He answered, "Your armpit's a beard!"
+And they chorused: "I think I could stand all the rest
+If you were not so totally weird!"
+If she had not said what he wanted to hear,
+And he had not done just the same,
+They'd have been far more honest, and never have met,
+And would not have had fun with the game.
+ -- Judith Schrier, "Face to Face After Six Months of
+ Electronic Mail"
+%
+I thought there was something fishy about the butler. Probably a Pisces,
+working for scale.
+ -- Firesign Theatre, "The Further Adventures of Nick Danger"
+%
+I thought YOU silenced the guard!
+%
+I told my kids, "Someday, you'll have kids of your own."
+One of them said, "So will you."
+ -- Rodney Dangerfield
+%
+I took a course in speed reading, learning to read straight down the middle
+of the page, and I was able to go through "War and Peace" in twenty minutes.
+It's about Russia.
+ -- Woody Allen
+%
+I treasure this strange combination found in very few persons: a fierce
+desire for life as well as a lucid perception of the ultimate futility of
+the quest.
+ -- Madeleine Gobeil
+%
+I truly wish I could be a great surgeon or philosopher or author or anything
+constructive, but in all honesty I'd rather turn up my amplifier full blast
+and drown myself in the noise.
+ -- Charles Schmid, the "Tucson Murderer"
+%
+I trust the first lion he meets will do his duty.
+ -- J.P. Morgan on Teddy Roosevelt's safari
+%
+I try not to break the rules but merely to test their elasticity.
+ -- Bill Veeck
+%
+I try to keep an open mind, but not so open that my brains fall out.
+ -- Judge Harold T. Stone
+%
+I turned my air conditioner the other way around, and it got cold out.
+The weatherman said "I don't understand it. I was supposed to be 80
+degrees today," and I said "Oops."
+
+In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above... so
+I never have to go upstairs.
+
+I just bought a microwave fireplace... You can spend an evening in
+front of it in only eight minutes.
+ -- Stephen Wright
+%
+I understand why you're confused. You're thinking too much.
+ -- Carole Wallach.
+%
+I use not only all the brains I have, but all those I can borrow as well.
+ -- Woodrow Wilson
+%
+I use technology in order to hate it more properly.
+ -- Nam June Paik
+%
+I used to be a rebel in my youth.
+This cause... that cause... (chuckle) I backed 'em ALL! But I learned.
+Rebellion is simply a device used by the immature to hide from his own
+problems. So I lost interest in politics. Now when I feel aroused by
+a civil rights case or a passport hearing... I realize it's just a device.
+I go to my analyst and we work it out. You have no idea how much better
+I feel these days.
+ -- J. Feiffer
+%
+I used to be disgusted, now I find I'm just amused.
+ -- Elvis Costello
+%
+I used to be Snow White, but I drifted.
+ -- Mae West
+%
+I used to be such a sweet sweet thing, 'til they got a hold of me,
+I opened doors for little old ladies, I helped the blind to see,
+I got no friends 'cause they read the papers, they can't be seen,
+With me, and I'm feelin' real shot down,
+And I'm, uh, feelin' mean,
+ No more, Mr. Nice Guy,
+ No more, Mr. Clean,
+ No more, Mr. Nice Guy,
+They say "He's sick, he's obscene".
+
+My dog bit me on the leg today, my cat clawed my eyes,
+Ma's been thrown out of the social circle, and Dad has to hide,
+I went to church, incognito, when everybody rose,
+The reverend Smithy, he recognized me,
+And punched me in the nose, he said,
+(chorus)
+He said "You're sick, you're obscene".
+ -- Alice Cooper, "No More Mr. Nice Guy"
+%
+I used to get high on life but lately I've built up a resistance.
+%
+I used to have a drinking problem.
+Now I love the stuff.
+%
+I used to live in a house by the freeway. When I went anywhere, I had
+to be going 65 MPH by the end of my driveway.
+
+I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights. Now it looks
+like I'm the only one moving.
+
+I was pulled over for speeding today. The officer said, "Don't you know
+the speed limit is 55 miles an hour?" And I said, "Yes, but I wasn't going
+to be out that long."
+
+I put a new engine in my car, but didn't take the ond one out. Now
+my car goes 500 miles an hour.
+ -- Stephen Wright
+%
+I used to think I was a child; now I think I am an adult -- not because
+I no longer do childish things, but because those I call adults are no
+more mature than I am.
+%
+I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.
+%
+I used to think romantic love was a neurosis shared by two, a supreme
+foolishness. I no longer thought that. There's nothing foolish in
+loving anyone. Thinking you'll be loved in return is what's foolish.
+ -- Rita Mae Brown
+%
+I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in
+my body. Then I realized who was telling me this.
+ -- Emo Phillips
+%
+I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere
+near the place.
+ -- Steven Wright
+%
+I value kindness to human beings first of all, and kindness to animals. I
+don't respect the law; I have a total irreverence for anything connected
+with society except that which makes the roads safer, the beer stronger,
+the food cheaper, and old men and womem warmer in the winter, and happier
+in the summer.
+ -- Brendan Behan
+%
+I value kindness to human beings first of all, and kindness to animals. I
+don't respect the law; I have a total irreverence for anything connected
+with society except that which makes the roads safer, the beer stronger,
+the food cheaper, and old men and women warmer in the winter, and happier
+in the summer.
+ -- Brendan Behan
+%
+I waited and waited and when no message came I knew it must be from you.
+%
+I want to be the white man's brother, not his brother-in-law.
+ -- Martin Luther King, Jr.
+%
+I want to buy a husband who, every week when I sit down to watch "St.
+Elsewhere", won't scream, "Forget it, Blanche... It's time for Hee-Haw!"
+%
+I want to kill everyone here with a cute colorful Hydrogen Bomb!!
+ -- Zippy the Pinhead
+%
+I want to marry a girl just like the girl that married dear old dad.
+ -- Freud
+%
+I want to reach your mind -- where is it currently located?
+%
+I was appalled by this story of the destruction of a member of a valued
+endangered species. It's all very well to celebrate the practicality of
+pigs by ennobling the porcine sibling who constructed his home out of
+bricks and mortar. But to wantonly destroy a wolf, even one with an
+excessive taste for porkers, is unconscionable in these ecologically
+critical times when both man and his domestic beasts continue to maraud
+the earth.
+ Sylvia Kamerman, "Book Reviewing"
+%
+I was at this restaurant. The sign said "Breakfast Anytime." So I
+ordered French Toast in the Rennaissance.
+ -- Steven Wright
+%
+I was born in a barrel of butcher knives
+Trouble I love and peace I despise
+Wild horses kicked me in my side
+Then a rattlesnake bit me and he walked off and died.
+ -- Bo Diddley
+%
+I was eatin' some chop suey,
+With a lady in St. Louie,
+When there sudden comes a knockin' at the door.
+And that knocker, he says, "Honey,
+Roll this rocker out some money,
+Or your daddy shoots a baddie to the floor."
+ -- Mr. Miggle
+%
+I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did.
+I said I didn't know.
+ -- Mark Twain
+%
+I was in a bar and I walked up to a beautiful woman and said, "Do you live
+around here often?" She said, "You're wearing two different-color socks."
+I said, "Yes, but to me they're the same because I go by thickness."
+She said, "How do you feel?" And I said, "You know when you're sitting on a
+chair and you lean back so you're just on two legs and you lean too far so
+you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like
+that all the time..."
+ -- Steven Wright, "Gentlemen's Quarterly"
+%
+I was in a beauty contest one. I not only came in last, I was hit in
+the mouth by Miss Congeniality.
+ -- Phyllis Diller
+%
+I was in accord with the system so long as it
+permitted me to function effectively.
+ -- Albert Speer
+%
+I was in this prematurely air conditioned supermarket and there were all
+these aisles and there were these bathing caps you could buy that had these
+kind of Fourth of July plumes on them that were red and yellow and blue and
+I wasn't tempted to buy one but I was reminded of the fact that I had been
+avoiding the beach.
+ -- Lucinda Childs "Einstein On The Beach"
+%
+I was in Vegas last week. I was at the roulette table, having a
+lengthy argument about what I considered an Odd number.
+ -- Steven Wright
+%
+I was offered a job as a hoodlum and I turned it down cold. A thief is
+anybody who gets out and works for his living, like robbing a bank or
+breaking into a place and stealing stuff, or kidnapping somebody. He really
+gives some effort to it. A hoodlum is a pretty lousy sort of scum. He
+works for gangsters and bumps guys off when they have been put on the spot.
+Why, after I'd made my rep, some of the Chicago Syndicate wanted me to work
+for them as a hood -- you know, handling a machine gun. They offered me
+two hundred and fifty dollars a week and all the protection I needed. I
+was on the lam at the time and not able to work at my regular line. But
+I wouldn't consider it. "I'm a thief," I said. "I'm no lousy hoodlum."
+ -- Alvin Karpis, "Public Enemy Number One"
+%
+I was playing poker the other night... with Tarot cards. I got a
+full house and four people died.
+ -- Steven Wright
+%
+I was the best I ever had.
+ -- Woody Allen
+%
+I was toilet-trained at gunpoint.
+ -- Billy Braver
+%
+I was working on a case. It had to be a case, because I couldn't afford a
+desk. Then I saw her. This tall blond lady. She must have been tall
+because I was on the third floor. She rolled her deep blue eyes towards
+me. I picked them up and rolled them back. We kissed. She screamed. I
+took the cigarette from my mouth and kissed her again.
+%
+I wasn't kissing her, I was whispering in her mouth.
+ -- Chico Marx
+%
+I watch television because you don't know what it will do if you leave it
+in the room alone.
+%
+I went home with a waitress,
+The way I always do.
+How I was I to know?
+She was with the Russians too.
+
+I was gambling in Havana,
+I took a little risk.
+Send lawyers, guns, and money,
+Dad, get me out of this.
+ -- Warren Zevon, "Lawyers, Guns and Money"
+%
+I went into the business for the money, and the art grew out of it.
+If people are disillusioned by that remark, I can't help it.
+It's the truth.
+ -- Charlie Chaplin
+%
+I went on to test the program in every way I could devise. I strained it to
+expose its weaknesses. I ran it for high-mass stars and low-mass stars, for
+stars born exceedingly hot and those born relatively cold. I ran it assuming
+the superfluid currents beneath the crust to be absent -- not because I wanted
+to know the answer, but because I had developed an intuitive feel for the
+answer in this particular case. Finally I got a run in which the computer
+showed the pulsar's temperature to be less than absolute zero. I had found
+an error. I chased down the error and fixed it. Now I had improved the
+program to the point where it would not run at all.
+ -- George Greenstein, "Frozen Star:
+ Of Pulsars, Black Holes and the Fate of Stars"
+%
+I went over to my friend, he was eatin' a pickle.
+I said "Hi, what's happenin'?"
+He said "Nothin'."
+Try to sing this song with that kind of enthusiasm;
+As if you just squashed a cop.
+ -- Arlo Guthrie, "Motorcycle Song"
+%
+I went to a Grateful Dead Concert and they played for SEVEN hours.
+Great song.
+ -- Fred Reuss
+%
+I went to a place to eat. It said `BREAKFAST ANYTIME.' So I ordered
+French toast during the Renaissance.
+ -- Stephen Wright
+%
+I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time."
+So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
+ -- Steven Wright
+%
+I went to my first computer conference at the New York Hilton about 20
+years ago. When somebody there predicted the market for microprocessors
+would eventually be in the millions, someone else said, "Where are they
+all going to go? It's not like you need a computer in every doorknob!"
+
+Years later, I went back to the same hotel. I noticed the room keys had
+been replaced by electronic cards you slide into slots in the doors.
+
+There was a computer in every doorknob.
+ -- Danny Hillis
+%
+I went to my mother and told her I intended to commence a different life.
+I asked for and obtained her blessing and at once commenced the career
+of a robber.
+ -- Tiburcio Vasquez
+%
+I will always love the false image I had of you.
+%
+I will follow the good side right to the fire,
+but not into it if I can help it.
+ -- Michel Eyquem de Montaigne
+%
+I will honour Christmas in my heart, and try to keep it all the
+year. I will live in the Past, the Present, and the Future. The
+Spirits of all Three shall strive within me. I will not shut out
+the lessons that they teach. Oh, tell me that I may sponge away the
+writing on this stone!
+ -- Charles Dickens
+%
+I will make you shorter by the head.
+ -- Elizabeth I
+%
+I will never lie to you.
+%
+I will not be briefed or debriefed, my underwear is my own.
+%
+I will not drink!
+But if I do...
+I will not get drunk!
+But if I do...
+I will not in public!
+But if I do...
+I will not fall down!
+But if I do...
+I will fall face down so that they cannot see my company badge.
+%
+I will not forget you.
+%
+I will not play at tug o' war.
+I'd rather play at hug o' war,
+Where everyone hugs
+Instead of tugs,
+Where everyone giggles
+And rolls on the rug,
+Where everyone kisses,
+And everyone grins,
+And everyone cuddles,
+And everyone wins.
+ -- Shel Silverstein, "Hug O' War"
+%
+I will not say that women have no character; rather, they have a new
+one every day.
+ -- Heine
+%
+I wish a robot would get elected president. That way, when he came to town,
+we could all take a shot at him and not feel too bad.
+ -- Jack Handey
+%
+I WISH I HAD A KRYPTONITE CROSS, because then you could keep both Dracula
+and Superman away.
+ -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
+%
+I wish there was a knob on the TV where you could turn up the
+intelligence. They've got one called brightness, but it doesn't
+seem to work.
+ -- Gallagher
+%
+I wish you humans would leave me alone.
+%
+I wish you were a Scotch on the rocks.
+%
+I woke up a feelin' mean
+went down to play the slot machine
+the wheels turned round,
+and the letters read
+"Better head back to Tennessee Jed"
+ -- Grateful Dead
+%
+I woke up this morning and discovered that everything in my apartment
+had been stolen and replaced with an exact replica. I told my roommate,
+"Isn't this amazing? Everything in the apartment has been stolen and
+replaced with an exact replica." He said, "Do I know you?"
+ -- Steven Wright
+%
+"I wonder", he said to himself, "what's in a book while it's closed. Oh, I
+know it's full of letters printed on paper, but all the same, something must
+be happening, because as soon as I open it, there's a whole story with people
+I don't know yet and all kinds of adventures and battles."
+ -- Bastian B. Bux
+%
+I wonder what the leash and collar set does for excitement?
+ -- Tramp, Lady and the Tramp
+%
+I worked in a health food store once. A guy came in and asked me,
+"If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?"
+ -- Steven Wright
+%
+I would be batting the big feller if they wasn't ready with the other one,
+but a left-hander would be the thing if they wouldn't have knowed it already
+because there is more things involved than could come up on the road, even
+after we've been home a long while.
+ -- Casey Stengel
+%
+I would gladly raise my voice in praise of women,
+only they won't let me raise my voice.
+ -- Winkle
+%
+I would have made a good pope.
+ -- Richard Nixon
+%
+I would have promised those terrorists a trip to Disneyland if it would have
+gotten the hostages released. I thank God they were satisfied with the
+missiles and we didn't have to go to that extreme.
+ -- Oliver North
+%
+I would have you imagine, then, that there exists in the mind of man a block
+of wax... and that we remember and know what is imprinted as long as the
+image lasts; but when the image is effaced, or cannot be taken, then we
+forget or do not know.
+ -- Plato, Dialogs, Theateus 191
+
+ [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
+ referring to image activation and termination.]
+%
+I would like the government to do all it can to mitigate, then, in
+understanding, in mutuality of interest, in concern for the common good,
+our tasks will be solved.
+ -- Warren G. Harding
+%
+I would like to electrocute everyone who uses the word 'fair' in connection
+with income tax policies.
+ -- William F. Buckley
+%
+I would like to know
+What I was fencing in
+And what I was fencing out.
+ -- Robert Frost
+%
+I would like to suggest that you not use speed, and here's why: it is going
+to mess up your heart, mess up your liver, your kidneys, rot out your mind.
+In general this drug will make you just like your mother and father.
+ -- Frank Zappa
+%
+I would much rather have men ask why
+I have no statue, than why I have one.
+ -- Marcus Procius Cato
+%
+I would not like to be a political leader in Russia. They never know when
+they're being taped.
+ -- Richard Nixon
+
+I love America. You always hurt the one you love.
+ -- David Frye impersonating Nixon
+%
+I would rather be a serf in a poor man's house
+and be above ground than reign among the dead.
+ -- Achilles, "The Odessey", XI, 489-91
+%
+I would rather say that a desire to drive fast
+sports cars is what sets man apart from the animals.
+%
+I wouldn't be so paranoid if you weren't all out to get me!!
+%
+I wouldn't marry her with a ten foot pole.
+%
+I wouldn't recommend sex, drugs or insanity
+for everyone, but they've always worked for me.
+ -- Hunter S. Thompson
+%
+I wrecked trains because I like to see people die. I like to hear
+them scream.
+ -- Sylvestre Matuschka, "the Hungarian Train Wreck Freak",
+ escaped prison 1937, not heard from since
+%
+Iam
+not
+very
+happy
+acting
+pleased
+whenever
+prominent
+scientists
+overmagnify
+intellectual
+enlightenment
+%
+IBM:
+ [Internation Business Machines Corp.] Also known as Itty Bitty
+ Machines or The Lawyer's Friend. The dominant force in computer
+ marketing, having supplied worldwide some 75% of all known hardware
+ and 10% of all software. To protect itself from the litigious envy
+ of less successful organizations, such as the US government, IBM
+ employs 68% of all known ex-Attorneys' General.
+%
+IBM:
+ I've Been Moved
+ Idiots Become Managers
+ Idiots Buy More
+ Impossible to Buy Machine
+ Incredibly Big Machine
+ Industry's Biggest Mistake
+ International Brotherhood of Mercenaries
+ It Boggles the Mind
+ It's Better Manually
+ Itty-Bitty Machines
+%
+IBM Advanced Systems Group -- a bunch of mindless jerks,
+who'll be first against the wall when the revolution comes...
+ -- with regrets to D. Adams
+%
+IBM had a PL/I,
+Its syntax worse than JOSS;
+And everywhere this language went,
+It was a total loss.
+%
+IBM: It may be slow, but it's hard to use.
+%
+IBM Pollyanna Principle:
+ Machines should work. People should think.
+%
+IBM's original motto:
+ Cogito ergo vendo; vendo ergo sum.
+%
+I'd be a poorer man if I'd never seen an eagle fly.
+ -- John Denver
+
+[I saw an eagle fly once. Fortunately, I had my eagle fly swatter handy. Ed.]
+%
+I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
+%
+I'd horsewhip you if I had a horse.
+ -- Groucho Marx
+%
+I'd just as soon kiss a Wookiee.
+ -- Princess Leia Organa
+%
+I'D LIKE TO BE BURIED INDIAN-STYLE, where they put you up on a high rack,
+above the ground. That way, you could get hit by meteorites and not even
+feel it.
+ -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
+%
+I'd like to meet the guy who invented beer and see what he's working on now.
+%
+I'd like to see the government get out of war altogether and leave the
+whole field to private industry.
+ -- Joseph Heller
+%
+I'd love to kiss you, but I just washed my hair.
+ -- Bette Davis, "Cabin in the Cotton"
+%
+I'd never cry if I did find
+ A blue whale in my soup...
+Nor would I mind a porcupine
+ Inside a chicken coop.
+Yes life is fine when things combine,
+ Like ham in beef chow mein...
+But lord, this time I think I mind,
+ They've put acid in my rain.
+ --- Milo Bloom
+%
+I'd never join any club that would have the likes of me as a member.
+ -- Groucho Marx
+%
+I'd probably settle for a vampire if he were romantic enough.
+Couldn't be any worse than some of the relationships I've had.
+ -- Brenda Starr
+%
+I'd rather be led to hell than managed to heavan.
+%
+I'd rather have a free bottle in front of me than a prefrontal lobotomy.
+ -- Fred Allen
+
+[Also attributed to S. Clay Wilson. Ed.]
+%
+I'd rather have two girls at 21 each than one girl at 42.
+ -- W.C. Fields
+%
+I'd rather just believe that it's done by little elves running around.
+%
+I'd rather laugh with the sinners,
+Than cry with the saints,
+The sinners are much more fun!
+ -- Billy Joel, "Only The Good Die Young"
+%
+I'd rather push my Harley than ride a rice burner.
+%
+Identify your visitor.
+%
+idiot box, n:
+ The part of the envelope that tells a person where to place
+ the stamp when they can't quite figure it out for themselves.
+ -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
+%
+idiot box, n:
+ The part of the envelope that tells a person where to place the
+ stamp when they can't quite figure it out for themselves.
+ -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
+%
+idiot, n:
+ A member of a large and powerful tribe whose influence
+ in human affairs has always been dominant and controlling.
+%
+IDLENESS:
+ Leisure gone to seed.
+%
+Idleness is the holiday of fools.
+%
+If A = B and B = C, then A = C, except where void or prohibited by law.
+ -- Roy Santoro
+%
+If a camel is a horse designed by a committee, then a consensus forecast
+is a camel's behind.
+ -- Edgar R. Fiedler
+%
+If a can of Alpo costs 38 cents, would it cost $2.50 in Dog Dollars?
+%
+If a child annoys you, quiet him by brushing their hair. If this doesn't
+work, use the other side of the brush on the other end of the child.
+%
+If A fool persists in his folly he shall become wise.
+ -- William Blake
+%
+If a group of N persons implements a COBOL compiler,
+there will be N-1 passes. Someone in the group has to be the manager.
+ -- T. Cheatham
+%
+If a guru falls in the forest with no one to hear him, was he
+really a guru at all?
+ -- Strange de Jim, "The Metasexuals"
+%
+If a jury in a criminal trial stays out for more than twenty-four hours, it
+is certain to vote acquittal, save in those instances where it votes guilty.
+ -- Joseph C. Goulden
+%
+IF A KID ASKS YOU where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him
+is, "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing
+to tell him is, "Probably because of something you did."
+ -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
+%
+If a listener nods his head when you're
+explaining your program, wake him up.
+%
+If a man has a strong faith he can indulge in the luxury of skepticism.
+ -- Friedrich Nietzsche
+%
+If a man has talent and cannot use it, he has failed.
+ -- Thomas Wolfe
+%
+If a man is not a liberal at 25, he has no heart.
+If he's not a conservative by 45, he has no brain.
+%
+If a man loses his reverence for any part of life,
+he will lose his reverence for all of life.
+ -- Albert Schweitzer
+%
+If a man stay away from his wife for seven years, the law presumes the
+separation to have killed him; yet according to our daily experience,
+it might well prolong his life.
+ -- Charles Darling, "Scintillae Juris, 1877
+%
+If a nation expects to be ignorant and free,
+... it expects what never was and never will be.
+ -- Thomas Jefferson
+%
+If a nation values anything more than freedom, it will lose its freedom;
+and the irony of it is that if it is comfort or money it values more, it
+will lose that, too.
+ -- W. Somerset Maugham
+%
+If a person (a) is poorly, (b) receives treatment intended to make him better,
+and (c) gets better, then no power of reasoning known to medical science can
+convince him that it may not have been the treatment that restored his health.
+ -- Sir Peter Medawar, "The Art of the Soluble"
+%
+If a putt passes over the hole without dropping, it is deemed to have dropped.
+The law of gravity holds that any object attempting to maintain a position
+in the atmosphere without something to support it must drop. The law of
+gravity supercedes the law of golf.
+ -- Donald A. Metz
+%
+If a shameless woman expects to be defiled and then dies of her fierce
+love because you do not consent, will chastity also be homicide?
+ -- Saint Augustine
+%
+If a small child asks you where rain comes from, I think a reasonable response
+is simply that "God is crying." And, if he asks you why God is crying, the
+only possible answer is "Probably because of something you did."
+%
+If a subordinate asks you a pertinent question,
+look at him as if he had lost his senses.
+When he looks down, paraphrase the question back at him.
+%
+If a system is administered wisely,
+its users will be content.
+They enjoy hacking their code
+and don't waste time implementing
+labor-saving shell scripts.
+Since they dearly love their accounts,
+they aren't interested in other machines.
+There may be telnet, rlogin, and ftp,
+but these don't access any hosts.
+There may be an arsenal of cracks and malware,
+but nobody ever uses them.
+People enjoy reading their mail,
+take pleasure in being with their newsgroups,
+spend weekends working at their terminals,
+delight in the doings at the site.
+And even though the next system is so close
+that users can hear its key clicks and biff beeps,
+they are content to die of old age
+without ever having gone to see it.
+%
+If a team is in a positive frame of mind, it will have a good attitude.
+If it has a good attitude, it will make a commitment to playing the
+game right. If it plays the game right, it will win -- unless, of
+course, it doesn't have enough talent to win, and no manager can make
+goose-liver pate out of goose feathers, so why worry?
+ -- Sparky Anderson
+%
+If a thing's worth doing, it is worth doing badly.
+ -- G.K. Chesterton
+%
+If a thing's worth having, it's worth cheating for.
+ -- W.C. Fields
+%
+If a train station is a place where a train stops, what's a workstation?
+%
+If addiction is judged by how long a dumb animal will sit pressing a lever
+to get a "fix" of something, to its own detriment, then I would conclude
+that netnews is far more addictive than cocaine.
+ -- Rob Stampfli
+%
+If all be true that I do think,
+There be five reasons why one should drink;
+Good friends, good wine, or being dry,
+Or lest we should be by-and-by,
+Or any other reason why.
+%
+If all else fails, immortality can always be assured by spectacular error.
+ -- John Kenneth Galbraith
+%
+If all else fails, lower your standards.
+%
+If all men were brothers, would you let one marry your sister?
+%
+If all the girls who attended the Yale prom were laid end to end -- I
+wouldn't be a bit surprised.
+ -- Dorothy Parker
+%
+If all the seas were ink,
+And all the reeds were pens,
+And all the skies were parchment,
+And all the men could write,
+These would not suffice
+To write down all the red tape
+Of this Government.
+%
+If all the world's a stage, I want to operate the trap door.
+ -- Paul Beatty
+%
+If all the world's economists were laid end to end,
+we wouldn't reach a conclusion.
+ -- William Baumol
+%
+If an average person on the subway turns to you, like an ancient mariner,
+and starts telling you her tale, you turn away or nod and hope she stops,
+not just because you fear she might be crazy. If she tells her tale on
+camera, you might listen. Watching strangers on television , even
+responding to them from a studio audience, we're disengaged - voyeurs
+collaborating with exhibitionists in rituals of sham community. Never
+have so many known so much about people for whom they cared so little.
+ -- Wendy Kaminer commenting on testimonial television
+ in "I'm Dysfunctional, You're Dysfunctional".
+%
+If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.
+%
+If an S and an I and an O and a U
+With an X at the end spell Su;
+And an E and a Y and an E spell I,
+Pray what is a speller to do?
+Then, if also an S and an I and a G
+And an HED spell side,
+There's nothing much left for a speller to do
+But to go commit siouxeyesighed.
+ -- Charles Follen Adams, "An Orthographic Lament"
+%
+If any demonstrator ever lays down in front of my car, it'll be the last
+car he ever lays down in front of.
+ -- George Wallace
+%
+If any man wishes to be humbled and mortified,
+let him become president of Harvard.
+ -- Edward Holyoke
+%
+If anyone has seen my dog, please contact me at x2883 as soon as possible.
+We're offering a substantial reward. He's a sable collie, with three legs,
+blind in his left eye, is missing part of his right ear and the tip of his
+tail. He's been recently fixed. Answers to "Lucky".
+%
+If anything can go wrong, it will.
+%
+If at first you do succeed, try to hide your astonishment.
+%
+If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
+%
+If at first you don't succeed, quit; don't be a nut about success.
+%
+If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.
+%
+If at first you don't succeed, try, try again.
+ -- W.E. Hickson
+%
+If at first you don't succeed, try try again. Then quit.
+No use being a damn fool about it.
+%
+If at first you don't succeed, try, try again.
+Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
+ -- W.C. Fields
+
+[Also attributed to Roy Mengot. Ed.]
+%
+If at first you don't succeed, you must be a programmer.
+%
+If at first you don't succeed, you're doing about average.
+ -- Leonard Levinson
+%
+If at first you fricasee, fry, fry again.
+%
+If atheism is to be used to express the state of mind in which God is
+identified with the unknowable, and theology is pronounced to be a
+collection of meaningless words about unintelligible chimeras, then
+I have no doubt, and I think few people doubt, that atheists are as
+plentiful as blackberries.
+ -- Leslie Stephen
+%
+If bankers can count, how come they have
+eight windows and only four tellers?
+%
+If Beethoven's Seventh Symphony is not by
+some means abridged, it will soon fall into disuse.
+ -- Philip Hale, Boston music critic, 1837
+%
+If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs,
+then the first woodpecker to come along would destroy civilization.
+%
+If built in great numbers, motels will be used for nothing
+but illegal purposes.
+ -- J. Edgar Hoover
+%
+If Carter is the answer, it must have been a VERY silly question.
+%
+If Christianity was morality, Socrates would be the Saviour.
+ -- William Blake
+%
+If clear thinking created sparks, we could safely store dynamite in James
+Watt's office.
+ -- Wayne Shannon
+%
+If coke is a joke, I'm waiting around for the next line.
+%
+If computers take over (which seems to be their natural tendency), it will
+serve us right.
+ -- Alistair Cooke
+%
+If dolphins are so smart, why did Flipper work for television?
+%
+If England treats her criminals the way she has treated me, she doesn't
+deserve to have any.
+ -- Oscar Wilde, reportedly while standing handcuffed in a
+ driving rain, waiting for transport to prison upon his
+ conviction for sodomy.
+%
+If ever the pleasure of one has to be bought by the pain of the other,
+there better be no trade. A trade by which one gains and the other loses
+is a fraud.
+ -- Dagny Taggart, "Atlas Shrugged"
+%
+If ever you want to touch the hand and the heart of God Almighty, you can
+do it through the body of someone you love. Anytime. Anywhere. Without
+no middleman.
+ -- Theodore Sturgeon, "Godbody"
+%
+If every kid had a funny tooth to bite down on whenever the world disappointed
+him, prussic acid could solve our population problems in one generation.
+ -- G.C. Edmonson's Albert, "The Man Who Corrupted Earth"
+%
+If everything on the road of life seems to
+be coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
+%
+If everything seems to be going well,
+you have obviously overlooked something.
+%
+If fifty million people say a foolish thing, it's still a foolish thing.
+ -- Bertrand Russell
+%
+If food be the music of love, eat up, eat up.
+%
+If for every rule there is an exception, then we have established that there
+is an exception to every rule. If we accept "For every rule there is an
+exception" as a rule, then we must conced that there may not be an exception
+after all, since the rule states that there is always the possibility of
+exception, and if we follow it to its logical end we must agree that there
+can be an exception to the rule that for every rule there is an exception.
+ -- Bill Boquist
+%
+If God did not exist, it would be necessary to invent him.
+ -- Voltaire, "Epitres, XCVI"
+%
+If God had a beard, he'd be a UNIX programmer.
+%
+If God had intended Man to program, we'd be born with serial I/O ports.
+%
+If God had intended Man to Smoke, He would have set him on Fire.
+%
+If God had intended man to use the metric system, Jesus
+would have only had ten disciples.
+%
+If God had intended Man to Walk, He would have given him Feet.
+%
+If God had intended Man to Watch TV, He would have given him Rabbit Ears.
+%
+If God had intended Men to Smoke, He would have put Chimneys in their Heads.
+%
+If God had meant for us to be in the Army,
+we would have been born with green, baggy skin.
+%
+If God had meant for us to be naked, we would have been born that way.
+%
+If God had not given us sticky tape,
+it would have been necessary to invent it.
+%
+If God had really intended men to fly,
+he'd make it easier to get to the airport.
+ -- George Winters
+%
+If God had wanted us to be concerned for the plight of the toads, he would
+have made them cute and furry.
+ -- Dave Barry
+%
+If God had wanted us to use the metric system, Jesus would have had
+only ten apostles.
+%
+If God had wanted you to go around nude,
+He would have given you bigger hands.
+%
+If God hadn't wanted you to be paranoid,
+He wouldn't have given you such a vivid imagination.
+%
+If God is dead, who will save the Queen?
+%
+If God is One, what is bad?
+ -- Charles Manson
+%
+If God is perfect, why did He create discontinuous functions?
+%
+If God lived on Earth, people would knock out all His windows.
+ -- Yiddish saying
+%
+If God wanted us to be brave, why did he give us legs?
+ -- Marvin Kitman
+%
+If God wanted us to have a President,
+He would have sent us a candidate.
+ -- Jerry Dreshfield
+%
+If graphics hackers are so smart,
+why can't they get the bugs out of fresh paint?
+%
+If guns are outlawed, how will we shoot the liberals?
+%
+If happiness is in your destiny, you need not be in a hurry.
+ -- Chinese proverb
+%
+If he had only learnt a little less, how
+infinitely better he might have taught much more!
+%
+If he once again pushes up his sleeves in order to compute for 3 days
+and 3 nights in a row, he will spend a quarter of an hour before to
+think which principles of computation shall be most appropriate.
+ -- Voltaire, "Diatribe du docteur Akakia"
+%
+If he should ever change his faith,
+it'll be because he no longer thinks he's God.
+%
+If I cannot bend Heaven, I shall move Hell.
+ -- Publius Vergilius Maro (Virgil)
+%
+If I could read your mind, love,
+What a tale your thoughts could tell,
+Just like a paperback novel,
+The kind the drugstore sells,
+When you reach the part where the heartaches come,
+The hero would be me,
+Heroes often fail,
+You won't read that book again, because
+ the ending is just too hard to take.
+
+I walk away, like a movie star,
+Who gets burned in a three way script,
+Enter number two,
+A movie queen to play the scene
+Of bringing all the good things out in me,
+But for now, love, let's be real
+I never thought I could act this way,
+And I've got to say that I just don't get it,
+I don't know where we went wrong but the feeling is gone
+And I just can't get it back...
+ -- Gordon Lightfoot, "If You Could Read My Mind"
+%
+If I could stick my pen in my heart,
+I would spill it all over the stage.
+Would it satisfy ya, would it slide on by ya,
+Would you think the boy was strange?
+Ain't he strange?
+...
+If I could stick a knife in my heart,
+Suicide right on the stage,
+Would it be enough for your teenage lust,
+Would it help to ease the pain?
+Ease your brain?
+ -- Rolling Stones, "It's Only Rock'N Roll"
+%
+If I don't drive around the park,
+I'm pretty sure to make my mark.
+If I'm in bed each night by ten,
+I may get back my looks again.
+If I abstain from fun and such,
+I'll probably amount to much;
+But I shall stay the way I am,
+Because I do not give a damn.
+ -- Dorothy Parker
+%
+If I had a formula for bypassing trouble, I would not pass it around.
+Trouble creates a capacity to handle it. I don't say embrace trouble; that's
+as bad as treating it as an enemy. But I do say meet it as a friend, for
+you'll see a lot of it and you had better be on speaking terms with it.
+ -- Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr.
+%
+If *I* had a hammer, there'd be no more folk singers.
+%
+IF I HAD A MINE SHAFT, I don't think I would just abandon it. There's
+got to be a better way.
+ -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
+%
+If I had a plantation in Georgia and a home in Hell,
+I'd sell the plantation and go home.
+ -- Eugene P. Gallagher
+%
+If I had any humility I would be perfect.
+ -- Ted Turner
+%
+If I had done everything I'm credited with, I'd be speaking to you from
+a laboratory jar at Harvard.
+ -- Frank Sinatra
+
+AS USUAL, YOUR INFORMATION STINKS.
+ -- Frank Sinatra, telegram to "Time" magazine
+%
+If I had my life to live over, I'd try to make more mistakes next time. I
+would relax, I would limber up, I would be sillier than I have been this
+trip. I know of very few things I would take seriously. I would be crazier.
+I would climb more mountains, swim more rivers and watch more sunsets. I'd
+travel and see. I would have more actual troubles and fewer imaginary ones.
+You see, I am one of those people who lives prophylactically and sensibly
+and sanely, hour after hour, day after day. Oh, I have had my moments and,
+if I had it to do over again, I'd have more of them. In fact, I'd try to
+have nothing else. Just moments, one after another, instead of living so many
+years ahead each day. I have been one of those people who never go anywhere
+without a thermometer, a hotwater bottle, a gargle, a raincoat and a parachute.
+If I had it to do over again, I would go places and do things and travel
+lighter than I have. If I had my life to live over, I would start bare-footed
+earlier in the spring and stay that way later in the fall. I would play hooky
+more. I probably wouldn't make such good grades, but I'd learn more. I would
+ride on more merry-go-rounds. I'd pick more daisies.
+%
+If I had only known, I would have been a locksmith.
+ -- Albert Einstein
+%
+If I had to live my life again, I'd make the same mistakes, only sooner.
+ -- Tallulah Bankhead
+%
+If I have not seen so far it is because I stood in giant's footsteps.
+%
+If I have seen farther than others, it is because I was standing on the
+shoulders of giants.
+ -- Isaac Newton
+
+In the sciences, we are now uniquely privileged to sit side by side with
+the giants on whose shoulders we stand.
+ -- Gerald Holton
+
+If I have not seen as far as others, it is because giants were standing on
+my shoulders.
+ -- Hal Abelson
+
+Mathematicians stand on each other's shoulders.
+ -- Gauss
+
+Mathemeticians stand on each other's shoulders while computer scientists
+stand on each other's toes.
+ -- Richard Hamming
+
+It has been said that physicists stand on one another's shoulders. If
+this is the case, then programmers stand on one another's toes, and
+software engineers dig each other's graves.
+ -- Unknown
+%
+If I have to lay an egg for my country, I'll do it.
+ -- Bob Hope
+%
+If I knew what brand [of whiskey] he drinks,
+I would send a barrel or so to my other generals.
+ -- Abraham Lincoln, on General Grant
+%
+If I love you, what business is it of yours?
+ -- Goethe
+%
+If I love you, what business is it of yours?
+ -- Johann van Goethe
+%
+If I made peace with Russia today, I'd only attack her again tomorrow. I
+just couldn't help myself.
+ -- Adolf Hitler
+%
+If I promised you the moon and the stars, would you believe it?
+ -- Alan Parsons Project
+%
+If I set here and stare at nothing long enough, people might think
+I'm an engineer working on something.
+ -- S.R. McElroy
+%
+If I told you you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
+%
+If I traveled to the end of the rainbow
+As Dame Fortune did intend,
+Murphy would be there to tell me
+The pot's at the other end.
+ -- Bert Whitney
+%
+If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary form.
+%
+If I were a grave-digger or even a hangman, there are some people I could
+work for with a great deal of enjoyment.
+ -- Douglas Jerrold
+%
+If I were to walk on water, the press would say I'm only doing it
+because I can't swim.
+ -- Bob Stanfield
+%
+If I'd known computer science was going to be like this,
+I'd never have given up being a rock 'n' roll star.
+ -- G. Hirst
+%
+If I'm over the hill, why is it I don't recall ever being on top?
+ -- Jerry Muscha
+%
+If in any problem you find yourself doing an immense amount of work, the
+answer can be obtained by simple inspection.
+%
+If in doubt, mumble.
+%
+If it ain't baroque, don't fix it.
+%
+If it ain't broke, don't fix it.
+%
+If it doesn't smell yet, it's pretty fresh.
+ -- Dave Johnson, on dead seagulls
+%
+If it happens once, it's a bug.
+If it happens twice, it's a feature.
+If it happens more than twice, it's a design philosophy.
+%
+If it has syntax, it isn't user-friendly.
+%
+If it heals good, say it.
+%
+If it is a Miracle, any sort of evidence will
+answer, but if it is a Fact, proof is necessary.
+ -- Samuel Clemens
+%
+If it pours before seven, it has rained by eleven.
+%
+If it smells it's chemistry, if it crawls it's biology, if it doesn't work
+it's physics.
+%
+If it takes a bloodbath, lets get it over with. No more appeasement.
+ -- Ronald Reagan
+%
+If it wasn't for Newton, we wouldn't have to eat bruised apples.
+%
+If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
+%
+If it wasn't so warm out today, it would be cooler.
+%
+If it were not for the presents, an elopment would be preferable.
+ -- George Ade, "Forty Modern Fables"
+%
+If it were thought that anything I wrote was influenced by Robert Frost,
+I would take that particular work of mine, shred it, and flush it down
+the toilet, hoping not to clog the pipes. A more sententious, holding-
+forth old bore who expected every hero-worshiping adenoidal little twerp
+of a student-poet to hang on to his every word I never saw.
+ -- James Dickey
+%
+If it weren't for the last minute, nothing would ever get done.
+%
+If it's green or wiggles, it's biology.
+If it stinks, it's chemistry.
+If it doesn't work, it's physics.
+%
+If it's not in the computer, it doesn't exist.
+%
+If it's Tuesday, this must be someone else's fortune.
+%
+If it's worth doing, do it for money.
+%
+If it's worth doing, it's worth doing for money.
+%
+If it's worth hacking on well, it's worth hacking on for money.
+%
+If Jesus Christ were to come today, people would not even crucify him.
+They would ask him to dinner, and hear what he had to say, and make
+fun of it.
+ -- Thomas Carlyle
+%
+If just one piece of mail gets lost, well, they'll just think they forgot to
+send it. But if *two* pieces of mail get lost, hell, they'll just think the
+other guy hasn't gotten around to answering his mail. And if *fifty* pieces
+of mail get lost, can you imagine it, if *fifty* pieces of mail get lost, why
+they'll think something *else* is broken! And if 1Gb of mail gets lost,
+they'll just *know* that uunet is down and think it's a conspiracy to keep
+them from their God given right to receive Net Mail ...
+ -- Leith (Casey) Leedom, apologies to Arlo Guthrie
+%
+If Karl, instead of writing a lot about Capital,
+had made a lot of Capital, it would have been much better.
+ -- Karl Marx's Mother
+%
+If life gives you lemons, make lemonade.
+%
+If life is a stage, I want some better lighting.
+%
+If life is merely a joke, the question
+still remains: for whose amusement?
+%
+If life isn't what you wanted, have you asked for anything else?
+%
+If little green men land in your back yard, hide any little green women
+you've got in the house.
+ -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
+%
+If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question?
+ -- Lily Tomlin
+%
+If Love Were Oil, I'd Be About A Quart Low
+ -- Book title by Lewis Grizzard
+%
+If Machiavelli were a hacker, he'd have worked for the CSSG.
+ -- Phil Lapsley
+%
+If Machiavelli were a programmer, he'd have worked for AT&T.
+%
+If man is only a little lower than the angels, the angels should reform.
+ -- Mary Wilson Little
+%
+If mathematically you end up with the wrong
+answer, try multipying by the page number.
+%
+If men acted after marriage as they do during courtship, there would
+be fewer divorces -- and more bankruptcies.
+ -- Frances Rodman
+%
+If men are not afraid to die,
+it is of no avail to threaten them with death.
+
+If men live in constant fear of dying,
+And if breaking the law means a man will be killed,
+Who will dare to break the law?
+
+There is always an official executioner.
+If you try to take his place,
+It is like trying to be a master carpenter and cutting wood.
+If you try to cut wood like a master carpenter,
+ you will only hurt your hand.
+ -- Tao Te Ching, "Lao Tsu, #74"
+%
+If more of us valued food and cheer and song above hoarded gold, it would
+be a merrier world.
+ -- J.R.R. Tolkien
+%
+If once a man indulges himself in murder, very soon he comes to think little
+of robbing; and from robbing he next comes to drinking and Sabbath-breaking,
+and from that to incivility and procrastination.
+ -- Thomas De Quincey (1785 - 1859)
+%
+If once a man indulges himself in murder, very soon he comes to think
+little of robbing; and from robbing he next comes to drinking and
+Sabbath-breaking, and from that to incivility and procrastination.
+ -- Thomas De Quincey
+%
+If one cannot enjoy reading a book over and
+over again, there is no use in reading it at all.
+ -- Oscar Wilde
+%
+If one inquires why the American tradition is so strong against any connection
+of State and Church, why it dreads even the rudiments of religious teaching
+in state-maintained schools, the immediate and superficial answer is not
+far to seek. ... The cause lay largely in the diversity and vitality of the
+various denominations, each fairly sure that, with a fair field and no favor,
+it could make its own way; and each animated by a jealous fear that, if any
+connection of State and Church were permitted, some rival denomination would
+get an unfair advantage.
+ -- John Dewey, "Democracy in the Schools", 1908
+%
+If one tells the truth, one is sure, sooner or later, to be found out.
+ -- Oscar Wilde, "Phrases and Philosophies for the Use
+ of the Young"
+%
+If only Dionysus were alive! Where would he eat?
+ -- Woody Allen
+%
+If only God would give me some clear sign!
+Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.
+ -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
+%
+If only one could get that wonderful feeling of
+accomplishment without having to accomplish anything.
+%
+If only you could be respected without having to be respectable.
+%
+If only you had a personality instead of an attitude.
+%
+If only you knew she loved you, you could
+face the uncertainty of whether you love her.
+%
+If opportunity came disguised as temptation, one knock would be enough.
+%
+If parents would only realize how they bore their children.
+ -- G.B. Shaw
+%
+If people are good only because they fear punishment, and hope for reward,
+then we are a sorry lot indeed.
+ -- Albert Einstein
+%
+If people concentrated on the really important things in life,
+there'd be a shortage of fishing poles.
+ -- Doug Larson
+%
+If people drank ink instead of Schlitz, they'd be better off.
+ -- Edward E. Hippensteel
+
+[What brand of ink? Ed.]
+%
+If people have to choose between freedom and sandwiches, they
+will take sandwiches.
+ -- Lord Boyd-orr
+
+Eats first, morals after.
+ -- Bertolt Brecht, "The Threepenny Opera"
+%
+If people say that here and there someone has been taken away and maltreated,
+I can only reply: You can't make an omelette without breaking eggs.
+ -- Hermann Goering
+%
+If people see that you mean them no harm,
+they'll never hurt you, nine times out of ten!
+%
+If practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, why practice?
+%
+If pregnancy were a book they would cut the last two chapters.
+ -- Nora Ephron, "Heartburn"
+%
+If pro is the opposite of con, what is the opposite of progress?
+%
+If puns were deli meat, this would be the wurst.
+%
+If rabbits feet are so lucky, what happened to the rabbit?
+%
+If reporters don't know that truth is plural, they ought to be lawyers.
+ -- Tom Wicker
+%
+If researchers wrote nursery rhymes...
+
+Little Miss Muffet sat on her gluteal region,
+Eating components of soured milk.
+On at least one occasion,
+ along came an arachnid and sat down beside her,
+Or at least in her vicinity,
+And caused her to feel an overwhelming, but not paralyzing, fear,
+Which motivated the patient to leave the area rather quickly.
+ -- Ann Melugin Williams
+%
+If Ricky Schroder and Gary Coleman had a fight on television with
+pool cues, who would win?
+ 1) Ricky Schroder
+ 2) Gary Coleman
+ 3) The television viewing public
+ -- David Letterman
+%
+If scientific reasoning were limited to the logical processes of
+arithmetic, we should not get very far in our understanding of the physical
+world. One might as well attempt to grasp the game of poker entirely by
+the use of the mathematics of probability.
+ -- Vannevar Bush
+%
+If sex is such a natural phenomenon, how come there are so many
+books on how to?
+ -- Bette Midler
+%
+If she had not been cupric in her ions,
+Her shape ovoidal,
+Their romance might have flourished.
+But he built tetrahedral in his shape,
+His ions ferric,
+Love could not help but die,
+Uncatylised, inert, and undernourished.
+%
+If society fits you comfortably enough, you call it freedom.
+ -- Robert Frost
+%
+If some people didn't tell you,
+you'd never know they'd been away on vacation.
+%
+If someone had told me I would be Pope
+one day, I would have studied harder.
+ -- Pope John Paul I
+%
+If someone says he will do something "without fail", he won't.
+%
+If something has not yet gone wrong then it would
+ultimately have been beneficial for it to go wrong.
+%
+If swimming is so good for your figure, how come whales look the
+way they do?
+%
+If the American dream is for Americans only, it will remain our dream
+and never be our destiny.
+ -- Rene de Visme Williamson
+%
+If the automobile had followed the same development as the computer, a
+Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per per gallon,
+and explode once a year killing everyone inside.
+ -- Robert Cringely, InfoWorld
+%
+If the church put in half the time on covetousness that it does on lust,
+this would be a better world.
+ -- Garrison Keillor, "Lake Wobegon Days"
+%
+If the code and the comments disagree, then both are probably wrong.
+ -- Norm Schryer
+%
+If the colleges were better, if they really had it, you would need to get
+the police at the gates to keep order in the inrushing multitude. See in
+college how we thwart the natural love of learning by leaving the natural
+method of teaching what each wishes to learn, and insisting that you shall
+learn what you have no taste or capacity for. The college, which should
+be a place of delightful labor, is made odious and unhealthy, and the
+young men are tempted to frivolous amusements to rally their jaded spirits.
+I would have the studies elective. Scholarship is to be created not
+by compulsion, but by awakening a pure interest in knowledge. The wise
+instructor accomplishes this by opening to his pupils precisely the
+attractions the study has for himself. The marking is a system for schools,
+not for the college; for boys, not for men; and it is an ungracious work to
+put on a professor.
+ -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
+%
+If the designers of X-window built cars, there would be no fewer than five
+steering wheels hidden about the cockpit, none of which followed the same
+prinicples -- but you'd be able to shift gears with your car stereo. Useful
+feature, that.
+ -- From the programming notebooks of a heretic, 1990.
+%
+If the ends don't justify the means, then what does?
+ -- Robert Moses
+%
+If the English language made any sense, lackadaisical
+would have something to do with a shortage of flowers.
+ -- Doug Larson
+
+[Not to mention, butterfly would be flutterby. Ed.]
+%
+If the facts don't fit the theory, change the facts.
+ -- Albert Einstein
+%
+If the future isn't what it used to be, does that
+mean that the past is subject to change in times to come?
+%
+If the girl you love moves in with another guy once, it's more than enough.
+Twice, it's much too much. Three times, it's the story of your life.
+%
+If the government doesn't trust the people, why
+doesn't it dissolve them and elect a new people?
+%
+If the grass is greener on other side of fence,
+consider what may be fertilizing it.
+%
+If the human brain were so simple that we could understand it,
+we would be so simple we couldn't.
+%
+If the Lord God Almighty had consulted me before embarking upon the Creation,
+I would have recommended something simpler.
+ -- Alfonso the Wise, 13th Century King of Castile,
+ Commenting on the Almagest, by Ptolemy.
+%
+If the master dies and the disciple grieves,
+the lives of both have been wasted.
+%
+If the meanings of "true" and "false" were switched,
+then this sentence would not be false.
+%
+If the Nazi's had television with satellite technology, we'd all be
+goose-stepping. Americans are just as suggestible.
+ -- Frank Zappa
+%
+If the odds are a million to one against something
+occurring, chances are 50-50 it will.
+%
+If the path be beautiful, let us not ask where it leads.
+ -- Anatole France
+%
+If the rich could pay the poor to die for them,
+what a living the poor could make!
+%
+If the shoe fits, it's ugly.
+%
+If the thunder don't get you, then the lightning will.
+%
+If the vendors started doing everything right, we would be out of a job.
+Let's hear it for OSI and X! With those babies in the wings, we can count
+on being employed until we drop, or get smart and switch to gardening,
+paper folding, or something.
+ -- C. Philip Wood
+%
+If the very old will remember, the very young will listen.
+ -- Chief Dan George
+%
+If the weather is extremely bad, church attendance will be down.
+If the weather is extremely good, church attendance will be down.
+If the bulletin covers are in short supply, however,
+church attendance will exceed all expectations.
+ -- Reverend Chichester
+%
+If there are epigrams, there must be meta-epigrams.
+%
+If there is a possibility of several things going wrong,
+the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong.
+
+If you perceive that there are four possible ways in which a procedure
+can go wrong, and circumvent these, then a fifth way will promptly develop.
+%
+If there is a sin against life, it consists perhaps not so much in despairing
+of life as in hoping for another life and in eluding the implacable grandeur
+of this life.
+ -- Albert Camus
+%
+If there is a wrong way to do something, then someone will do it.
+ -- Edward A. Murphy Jr.
+%
+If there is any realistic deterrent to marriage, it's the fact that you
+can't afford divorce.
+ -- Jack Nicholson
+%
+If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?
+ -- Art Hoppe
+%
+If there is no wind, row.
+ -- Polish proverb
+%
+If there really was a Jewish conspiracy to run the world, my rabbi would
+have let me in on it by now. I contribute enough to the shule.
+ -- Saul Goodman
+%
+If there was in justice in the world, "trust" would be a four-letter word.
+%
+If there were a school for, say, sheet metal workers, that after three
+years left its graduates as unprepared for their careers as does law
+school, it would be closed down in a minute, and no doubt by lawyers.
+ -- Michael Levin, "The Socratic Method
+%
+If they sent one man to the moon, why can't they send them all?
+%
+If they think you're crude, go technical; if they think you're technical,
+go crude. I'm a very technical boy. So I get as crude as possible. These
+days, though, you have to be pretty technical before you can even aspire
+to crudeness...
+ -- Johnny Mnemonic
+%
+If they were so inclined, they could impeach
+him because they don't like his necktie.
+ -- Attorney General William Saxbe
+%
+If things don't improve soon, you'd better ask them to stop helping you.
+%
+If this fortune didn't exist, somebody would have invented it.
+%
+If this is timesharing, give me my share right now.
+It's not time yet.
+%
+If time heals all wounds, how come the belly button stays the same?
+%
+If truth is beauty, how come no one has their hair done in the library?
+ -- Lily Tomlin
+%
+If two men agree on everything, you may be sure that one of them is
+doing the thinking.
+ -- Lyndon B. Johnson
+
+Jerry Ford is a nice guy, but he played too much football with his
+helmet off.
+ -- Lyndon B. Johnson
+
+I do not believe that this generation of Americans is willing to resign
+itself to going to bed each night by the light of a Communist moon.
+ -- Lyndon B. Johnson
+%
+If two people love each other, there can be no happy end to it.
+ -- Ernest Hemingway
+%
+If two wrongs don't make a right, try three wrongs.
+%
+If voting could change the system, it would be illegal.
+If not voting could change the system, it would be illegal.
+%
+If we all work together, we can totally disrupt the system.
+%
+If we can ever make red tape nutritional, we can feed the world.
+ -- R. Schaeberle, "Management Accounting"
+%
+If we could sell our experiences for what they cost us, we would
+all be millionaires.
+ -- Abigail Van Buren
+%
+If we do not change our direction we are
+likely to end up where we are headed.
+%
+If we don't survive, we don't do anything else.
+ -- John Sinclair
+%
+If we men married the women we deserved, we should have a very bad time
+of it.
+ -- Oscar Wilde
+%
+"If we relied conclusively on scientific data for every one of our
+findings, I'm afraid all of our work would be inconclusive."
+ -- Henry Hudson, of the Meese Pornography Commission, on
+ criticism of its conclusion that pornography causes sex
+ crimes.
+%
+If we see the light at the end of the tunnel
+It's the light of an oncoming train.
+ -- Robert Lowell
+%
+If we spoke a different language, we
+would perceive a somewhat different world.
+ -- Wittgenstein
+%
+If we suffer tamely a lawless attack upon our liberty,
+we encourage it, and involve others in our doom.
+ -- Samuel Adams
+%
+If we were meant to get up early, God would have created us
+with alarm clocks.
+%
+If we won't stand together, we don't stand a chance.
+%
+If what they've been doing hasn't solved the problem, tell them to
+do something else.
+ -- Gerald Weinberg, "The Secrets of Consulting"
+%
+If while you are in school, there is a shortage of qualified personnel
+in a particular field, then by the time you graduate with the necessary
+qualifications, that field's employment market is glutted.
+ -- Marguerite Emmons
+%
+If wishes were horses, then beggars would be thieves.
+%
+If women are supposed to be less rational and more emotional at the
+beginning of our menstrual cycle, when the female hormone is at its
+lowest level, then why isn't it logical to say that in those few days
+women behave the most like the way men behave all month long?
+ -- Gloria Steinham
+%
+If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.
+ -- Aristotle Onassis
+%
+If you always postpone pleasure you will never have it.
+Quit work and play for once!
+%
+If you analyse anything, you destroy it.
+ -- Arthur Miller
+%
+If you are a police dog, where's your badge?
+ -- Question James Thurber used to drive his German Shepherd
+ crazy.
+%
+If you are afraid of loneliness, don't marry.
+ -- Anton Chekov
+%
+If you are afraid of loneliness, don't marry.
+ -- Chekhov
+%
+If you are going to walk on thin ice, you may as well dance.
+%
+If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are real
+good, you will get out of it.
+%
+If you are honest because honesty is the best policy,
+your honesty is corrupt.
+%
+If you are looking for a kindly, well-to-do older gentleman who is no
+longer interested in sex, take out an ad in The Wall Street Journal.
+ -- Abigail Van Buren
+%
+If you are not for yourself, who will be for you?
+If you are for yourself, then what are you?
+If not now, when?
+%
+If you are of the opinion that the contemplation of suicide is sufficient
+evidence of a poetic nature, do not forget that actions speak louder than
+words.
+ -- Fran Lebowitz, "Metropolitan Life"
+%
+If you are of the opinion that the contemplation of suicide is
+sufficient evidence of a poetic nature, do not forget that actions
+speak louder than words.
+ -- Fran Lebowitz
+%
+If you are over 80 years old and accompanied
+by your parents, we will cash your check.
+%
+If you are shooting under 80 you are neglecting your business;
+over 80 you are neglecting your golf.
+ -- Walter Hagen
+%
+If you are smart enough to know that you're not
+smart enough to be an Engineer, then you're in Business.
+%
+If you are too busy to read, then you are too busy.
+%
+If you are what you eat, does that mean Euelle Gibbons really was a nut?
+%
+If you aren't rich you should always look useful.
+ -- Louis-Ferdinand Celine
+%
+If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars.
+ -- J. Paul Getty
+%
+If you can keep your head when all about you are losing
+theirs, then you clearly don't understand the situation.
+%
+If you can lead it to water and force it to drink, it isn't a horse.
+%
+If you can survive death, you can probably survive anything.
+%
+If you cannot convince them, confuse them.
+ -- Harry S. Truman
+%
+If you cannot in the long run tell everyone
+what you have been doing, your doing was worthless.
+ -- Edwim Schrodinger
+%
+If you can't be good, be careful.
+If you can't be careful, give me a call.
+%
+If you can't convince them, confuse them.
+ -- Harry S. Truman
+%
+If you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights.
+%
+If you can't learn to do it well, learn to enjoy doing it badly.
+%
+If you can't read this, blame a teacher.
+%
+If you can't say anything good about someone, sit right here by me.
+ -- Alice Roosevelt Longworth
+%
+If you can't understand it, it is intuitively obvious.
+%
+If you catch a man, throw him back.
+ -- Woman's Liberation Slogan, c. 1975
+%
+If you continually give you will continually have.
+%
+If you could only get that wonderful feeling of
+accomplishment without having to accomplish anything.
+%
+If you didn't get caught, did you really do it?
+%
+If you didn't have most of your friends,
+you wouldn't have most of your problems.
+%
+If you didn't have to work so hard,
+you'd have more time to be depressed.
+%
+If you do not think about the future, you cannot have one.
+ -- John Galsworthy
+%
+If you do not wish a man to do a thing, you had better get him to talk about
+it; for the more men talk, the more likely they are to do nothing else.
+ -- Carlyle
+%
+If you do something right once, someone will ask you to do it again.
+%
+If you don't care where you are, then you ain't lost.
+%
+If you don't count some of Jehovah's injunctions, there are no humorists
+in the Bible.
+ -- Mordecai Richler
+%
+If you don't do it, you'll never know what
+would have happened if you had done it.
+%
+If you don't do the things that are not worth doing, who will?
+%
+If you don't drink it, someone else will.
+%
+If you don't go to other men's funerals they won't go to yours.
+ -- Clarence Day
+%
+If you don't have the time right now,
+will you have redo right time later?
+%
+If you don't have time to do it right, where
+are you going to find the time to do it over?
+%
+If you don't know what game you're playing, don't ask what the score is.
+%
+If you don't like the way I drive, stay off the sidewalk!
+%
+If you don't say anything, you won't be called on to repeat it.
+ -- Calvin Coolidge
+%
+If you don't strike oil in twenty minutes, stop boring.
+ -- Andrew Carnegie, on public speaking
+%
+If you drink, don't park. Accidents make people.
+%
+If you ever want to have a lot of fun, I recommend that you go off and program
+an embedded system. The salient characteristic of an embedded system is that
+it cannot be allowed to get into a state from which only direct intervention
+will suffice to remove it. An embedded system can't permanently trust anything
+it hears from the outside world. It must sniff around, adapt, consider, sniff
+around, and adapt again. I'm not talking about ordinary modular programming
+carefulness here. No. Programming an embedded system calls for undiluted
+raging maniacal paranoia. For example, our ethernet front ends need to know
+what network number they are on so that they can address and route PUPs
+properly. How do you find out what your network number is? Easy, you ask a
+gateway. Gateways are required by definition to know their correct network
+numbers. Once you've got your network number, you start using it and before
+you can blink you've got it wired into fifteen different sockets spread all
+over creation. Now what happens when the panic-stricken operator realizes he
+was running the wrong version of the gateway which was giving out the wrong
+network number? Never supposed to happen. Tough. Supposing that your
+software discovers that the gateway is now giving out a different network
+number than before, what's it supposed to do about it? This is not discussed
+in the protocol document. Never supposed to happen. Tough. I think you
+get my drift.
+%
+If you explain something so clearly that no
+one can possibly misunderstand, someone will.
+%
+If you fail to plan, plan to fail.
+%
+If you find a solution and become attached to it,
+the solution may become your next problem.
+%
+If you flaunt it, expect to have it trashed.
+%
+If you float on instinct alone, how can you
+calculate the buoyancy for the computed load?
+ -- Christopher Hodder-Williams
+%
+If you fool around with something long
+enough, it will eventually break.
+%
+If you give a man enough rope, he'll claim he's tied up at the office.
+%
+If you give Congress a chance to vote on
+both sides of an issue, it will always do it.
+ -- Les Aspin, D, Wisconsin
+%
+If you go on with this nuclear arms race,
+all you are going to do is make the rubble bounce.
+ -- Winston Churchill
+%
+If you go out of your mind, do it quietly,
+so as not to disturb those around you.
+%
+If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and your friends are
+all watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be to pretend you were
+swimming.
+ -- Jack Handey
+%
+If you had better tools, you could more
+effectively demonstrate your total incompetence.
+%
+If you had just one moment to live
+And they granted you one special wish
+Would you ask for something
+Like another chance.
+ -- Traffic, "The Low Spark of Hi Heeled Boys"
+%
+If you hands are clean and your cause is just
+and your demands are reasonable, at least it's a start.
+%
+If you have a procedure with 10 parameters, you probably missed some.
+%
+If you have never been hated by your child, you have never been a parent.
+ -- Bette Davis
+%
+If you have nothing to do, don't do it here.
+%
+If you have received a letter inviting you to speak at the dedication of a
+new cat hospital, and you hate cats, your reply, declining the invitation,
+does not necessarily have to cover the full range of your emotions. You must
+make it clear that you will not attend, but you do not have to let fly at cats.
+The writer of the letter asked a civil question; attack cats, then, only if
+you can do so with good humor, good taste, and in such a way that your answer
+will be courteous as well as responsive. Since you are out of sympathy with
+cats, you may quite properly give this as a reason for not appearing at the
+dedication ceremonies of a cat hospital. But bear in mind that your opinion
+of cats was not sought, only your services as a speaker. Try to keep things
+straight.
+ -- Strunk and White, "The Elements of Style"
+%
+If you have seen one city slum you have seen them all.
+ -- Spiro Agnew
+%
+If you have to ask how much it is, you can't afford it.
+%
+If you have to ask what jazz is, you'll never know.
+ -- Louis Armstrong
+%
+If you have to hate, hate gently.
+%
+If you have to think twice about it, you're wrong.
+%
+If you haven't enjoyed the material in the last few lectures then a career
+in chartered accountancy beckons.
+ -- Advice from the lecturer in the middle of the Stochastic
+ Systems course.
+%
+If you hype something and it succeeds, you're a genius -- it wasn't a
+hype. If you hype it and it fails, then it was just a hype.
+ -- Neil Bogart
+%
+If you just try long enough and hard enough, you can always manage to boot
+yourself in the posterior.
+ -- A.J. Liebling, "The Press"
+%
+If you just try long enough and hard enough, you can always manage to
+boot yourself in the posterior.
+ -- A.J. Liebling
+%
+If you keep an open mind people will throw a lot of garbage in it.
+%
+If you keep your mind sufficiently open, people will throw a lot of
+rubbish into it.
+ -- William Orton
+%
+If you knew what to say next, would you say it?
+%
+If you know the answer to a question, don't ask.
+ -- Petersen Nesbit
+%
+If you laid all of our laws end to end, there would be no end.
+ -- Mark Twain
+%
+If you laid all the Elvis impersonators in the world, end to end...
+you'd wanna run and get a steam roller, real fast.
+ -- David Letterman
+%
+If you learn one useless thing every day, in a single year you'll learn
+365 useless things.
+%
+If you liked the Earth you'll love Heaven.
+%
+If you live in a country run by committee, be on the committee.
+ -- Graham Summer
+%
+If you live long enough, you'll see that every victory turns into a defeat.
+ -- Simone De Beauvoir
+%
+If you live to the age of a hundred you have it made
+because very few people die past the age of a hundred.
+ -- George Burns
+%
+If you lived today as if it were your last, you'd buy up a box of rockets
+and fire them all off, wouldn't you?
+ -- Garrison Keillor
+%
+If you look good and dress well, you don't need a purpose in life.
+ -- Robert Pante, fashion consultant
+%
+If you look like your driver's license photo -- see a doctor.
+If you look like your passport photo -- it's too late for a doctor.
+%
+If you lose a son you can always get another,
+but there's only one Maltese Falcon.
+ -- Sidney Greenstreet, "The Maltese Falcon"
+%
+If you lose your temper at a newspaper columnist, he'll get rich,
+or famous or both.
+%
+If you love someone, set them free.
+If they don't come back, then call them up when you're drunk.
+%
+If you love something set it free. If it doesn't
+come back to you, hunt it down and kill it.
+%
+If you make a mistake you right it
+immediately to the best of your ability.
+%
+If you make any money, the government shoves you in the creek once a year
+with it in your pockets, and all that don't get wet you can keep.
+ -- The Best of Will Rogers
+%
+If you make people think they're thinking, they'll love you;
+but if you really make them think they'll hate you.
+%
+If you marry a man who cheats on his wife, you'll
+be married to a man who cheats on his wife.
+ -- Ann Landers
+%
+If you meet somebody who tells you that he loves you more than anybody
+in the whole wide world, don't trust him. It means he experiments.
+%
+If you mess with a thing long enough, it'll break.
+ -- Schmidt
+%
+If you MUST get married, it is always advisable to marry beauty.
+Otherwise, you'll never find anybody to take her off your hands.
+%
+If you need anything just whistle.
+You know how to whistle, don't you, Steve?
+Just put your lips together and blow.
+ -- Lauren Bacall, "To Have and Have Not"
+%
+If you notice that a person is deceiving you,
+they must not be deceiving you very well.
+%
+If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not
+bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man.
+ -- Mark Twain
+%
+If you push the "extra ice" button on the soft drink vending machine,
+you won't get any ice. If you push the "no ice" button, you'll get
+ice, but no cup.
+%
+If you put it off long enough, it might go away.
+%
+If you put tomfoolery into a computer, nothing comes out but tomfoolery.
+But this tomfoolery, having passed through a very expensive machine,
+is somehow enobled and no-one dare criticise it.
+ -- Pierre Gallois
+%
+If you put your supper dish to your ear you can hear the sounds of a
+restaurant.
+ -- Snoopy
+%
+If you really want to do something new, the good won't help you with it.
+Let me have men about me that are arrant knaves. The wicked, who have
+something on their conscience, are obliging, quick to hear threats, because
+they know how it's done, and for booty. You can offer them things because
+they will take them. Because they have no hesitations. You can hang them
+if they get out of step. Let me have men about me that are utter villains
+-- provided that I have the power, the absolute power, over life and death.
+ -- Hermann Goering
+%
+If you refuse to accept anything but the best you very often get it.
+%
+If you remember the 60's, you weren't there.
+%
+If you resist reading what you disagree with, how will you ever acquire
+deeper insights into what you believe? The things most worth reading
+are precisely those that challenge our convictions.
+%
+If you see an onion ring -- answer it!
+%
+If you sell diamonds, you cannot expect to have many customers.
+But a diamond is a diamond even if there are no customers.
+ -- Swami Prabhupada
+%
+If you sow your wild oats, hope for a crop failure.
+%
+If you steal from one author it's plagiarism; if you steal from
+many it's research.
+ -- Wilson Mizner
+%
+If you stew apples like cranberries,
+they taste more like prunes than rhubarb does.
+ -- Groucho Marx
+%
+If you stick a stock of liquor in your locker,
+It is slick to stick a lock upon your stock.
+Or some joker who is slicker,
+Will trick you of your liquor,
+If you fail to lock your liquor with a lock.
+%
+If you stick your head in the sand,
+one thing is for sure, you're gonna get your rear kicked.
+%
+If you suspect a man, don't employ him.
+%
+If you talk to God, you are praying; if God talks to you, you have
+schizophrenia.
+ -- Thomas Szasz
+%
+If you teach your children to like computers and to know how to gamble
+then they'll always be interested in something and won't come to no real
+harm.
+%
+If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything.
+ -- Mark Twain
+%
+If you think before you speak the other guy gets his joke in first.
+%
+If you think education is expensive, try ignorance.
+ -- Derek Bok, president of Harvard
+%
+If you think last Tuesday was a drag,
+wait till you see what happens tomorrow!
+%
+If you think nobody cares if you're alive,
+try missing a couple of car payments.
+ -- Earl Wilson
+%
+If you think the pen is mightier than the sword, the next time
+someone pulls out a sword I'd like to see you get up there with
+your Bic.
+%
+If you think the problem is bad now, just wait until we've solved it.
+ -- Arthur Kasspe
+%
+If you think the system is working,
+ask someone who's waiting for a prompt.
+%
+If you think the United States has stood still,
+who built the largest shopping center in the world?
+ -- Richard Nixon
+%
+If you think things can't get worse it's probably only because you
+lack sufficient imagination.
+%
+If you throw a New Year's Party, the worst thing that you can do would be
+to throw the kind of party where your guests wake up today, and call you to
+say they had a nice time. Now you'll be be expected to throw another party
+next year.
+ What you should do is throw the kind of party where your guest wake
+ up several days from now and call their lawyers to find out if
+they've been indicted for anything. You want your guests to be so anxious
+to avoid a recurrence of your party that they immediately start planning
+parties of their own, a year in advance, just to prevent you from having
+another one ...
+ If your party is successful, the police will knock on your door,
+unless your party is very successful in which case they will lob tear gas
+through your living room window. As host, your job is to make sure that
+they don't arrest anybody. Or if they're dead set on arresting someone,
+your job is to make sure it isn't you ...
+ -- Dave Barry
+%
+If you took all of the grains of sand in the world, and lined
+them up end to end in a row, you'd be working for the government!
+ -- Mr. Interesting
+%
+If you took all the students that felt asleep in class and laid them
+end to end, they'd be a lot more comfortable.
+%
+If you took all the women at the Harvard Prom
+and laid them end to end, I wouldn't be a bit surprised.
+ -- Dorothy Parker
+%
+If you treat people right they will treat you right -- 90% of the time.
+ -- F.D. Roosevelt
+%
+If you try to please everyone, somebody is not going to like it.
+%
+If you wait long enough, it will go away... after having
+done its damage. If it was bad, it will be back.
+%
+If you want me to be a good little bunny
+just dangle some carats in front of my nose.
+ -- Lauren Bacall
+%
+If you want to be ruined, marry a rich woman.
+ -- Michelet
+%
+If you want to get rich from writing, write the sort of thing that's
+read by persons who move their lips when the're reading to themselves.
+ -- Don Marquis
+%
+If you want to know how old a man is, ask his brother-in-law.
+%
+If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.
+ -- Woody Allen
+%
+If you want to put yourself on the map, publish your own map.
+%
+If you want to read about love and marriage you've got to buy two separate
+books.
+ -- Alan King
+%
+If you want to see card tricks, you have to expect to take cards.
+ -- Harry Blackstone
+%
+If you want to understand your government, don't begin by reading the
+Constitution. It conveys precious little of the flavor of today's statecraft.
+Instead, read selected portions of the Washington telephone directory
+containing listings for all the organizations with titles beginning with
+the word "National".
+ -- George Will
+%
+If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word
+you say, talk in your sleep.
+%
+If you wants to get elected president, you'se got to think up some
+memoraboble homily so's school kids can be pestered into memorizin'
+it, even if they don't know what it means.
+ -- Walt Kelly
+%
+If you waste your time cooking, you'll miss the next meal.
+%
+If you will practice being fictional for a while, you will understand that
+fictional characters are sometimes more real than people with bodies and
+heartbeats.
+%
+If you wish to be happy for one hour, get drunk.
+If you wish to be happy for three days, get married.
+If you wish to be happy for a month, kill your pig and eat it.
+If you wish to be happy forever, learn to fish.
+ -- Chinese Proverb
+%
+If you wish to succeed, consult three old people.
+%
+If you wish women to love you, be original; I know a man who wore fur
+boots summer and winter, and women fell in love with him.
+ -- Anton Chekov
+%
+If you work for a man, in heaven's name, work for him.
+If he pays you wages which supply you bread and butter, work for him; speak
+ well of him; stand by him, and by the institution he represents.
+If put to a pinch, an ounce of loyalty is worth a pound of cleverness.
+If you must vilify, condemn and eternally find disparage -- resign your
+ position, and when you are outside, damn to your heart's content...
+ but, as long as you are part of the institution do not condemn it.
+If you do that, you are loosening the tendrils that are holding you to the
+ institution, and at the first high wind that comes along, you will
+ be uprooted and blown away, and probably will never know the reason
+ why.
+%
+If you would keep a secret from an enemy, tell it not to a friend.
+%
+If you would know the value of money, go try to borrow some.
+ -- Ben Franklin
+%
+If you would understand your own age, read the works
+of fiction produced in it. People in disguise speak freely.
+%
+If you'd like to cultivate insomnia,
+Bed down with a pretty girl.
+Amor vincit omnia.
+%
+If your aim in life is nothing; you can't miss.
+%
+If your bread is stale, make toast.
+%
+If your enemy is buried in quicksand up to his neck, pull him out.
+If he is buried up to his eyes, step on his head.
+ -- Niccoli Machiavelli, "The Prince"
+%
+If your happiness depends on what somebody else does,
+I guess you do have a problem.
+ -- Richard Bach, "Illusions"
+%
+If your life was a horse, you'd have to shoot it.
+%
+If your mother knew what you're doing,
+she'd probably hang her head and cry.
+%
+If your parents don't have kids, neither will you.
+%
+If your sexual fantasies were truly of interest to others, they would no
+longer be fantasies.
+ -- Fran Lebowitz
+%
+If you're a real good kid, I'll give you a
+piggy-back ride on a buzz-saw.
+ -- W.C. Fields
+%
+If you're a young Mafia gangster out on your first date, I bet it's real
+embarrassing if someone tries to kill you.
+ -- Jack Handey
+%
+If you're careful enough, nothing
+bad or good will ever happen to you.
+%
+If you're carrying a torch, put it down.
+The Olympics are over.
+%
+If you're constantly being mistreated,
+you're cooperating with the treatment.
+%
+If you're crossing the nation in a covered wagon, it's better to have four
+strong oxen than 100 chickens. Chickens are OK but we can't make them work
+together yet.
+ -- Ross Bott, Pyramid U.S., on multiprocessors at AUUGM '89.
+%
+If you're going to America, bring your own food.
+ -- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies"
+%
+If you're going to do something tonight
+that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.
+ -- Henny Youngman
+%
+If you're going to walk on thin ice, you might as well dance.
+%
+If you're happy, you're successful.
+%
+If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
+%
+If you're not very clever you should be conciliatory.
+ -- Benjamin Disraeli
+%
+If you're worried by earthquakes and nuclear war,
+As well as by traffic and crime,
+Consider how worry-free gophers are,
+Though living on burrowed time.
+ -- Richard Armour, WSJ, 11/7/83
+%
+If you've done six impossible things before breakfast, why not round it
+off with dinner at Milliway's, the restaurant at the end of the universe.
+%
+If you've seen one redwood, you've seen them all.
+ -- Ronald Reagan
+%
+ignisecond, n:
+ The overlapping moment of time when the hand is locking the car
+ door even as the brain is saying, "my keys are in there!"
+ -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
+%
+IGNORANCE:
+ When you don't know anything, and someone else finds out.
+%
+Ignorance is bliss.
+ -- Thomas Gray
+
+Fortune updates the great quotes, #42:
+ BLISS is ignorance.
+%
+Ignorance is never out of style. It was in fashion yesterday, it is the
+rage today, and it will set the pace tomorrow.
+ -- Franklin K. Dane
+%
+Ignorance is when you don't know anything and somebody finds it out.
+%
+Ignorance must certainly be bliss or there wouldn't be so many people
+so resolutely pursuing it.
+%
+Ignore previous fortune.
+%
+Il brilgue: les toves libricilleux
+ Se gyrent et frillant dans le guave,
+Enmimes sont les gougebosquex,
+ Et le momerade horgrave.
+
+Es brilig war. Die schlichte Toven
+ Wirrten und wimmelten in Waben;
+Und aller-mumsige Burggoven
+ Dir mohmen Rath ausgraben.
+%
+I'll be comfortable on the couch. Famous last words.
+ -- Lenny Bruce
+%
+I'll be Grateful when they're Dead.
+%
+I'll burn my books.
+ -- Christopher Marlowe
+%
+I'll give you my opinion of the human race in a nutshell ... their heart's
+in the right place, but their head is a thoroughly inefficient organ.
+ -- W. Somerset Maugham, "The Summing Up"
+%
+I'll grant thee random access to my heart,
+Thoul't tell me all the constants of thy love;
+And so we two shall all love's lemmas prove
+And in our bound partition never part.
+
+Cancel me not -- for what then shall remain?
+Abscissas, some mantissas, modules, modes,
+A root or two, a torus and a node:
+The inverse of my verse, a null domain.
+
+I see the eigenvalue in thine eye,
+I hear the tender tensor in thy sigh.
+Bernoulli would have been content to die
+Had he but known such a-squared cos 2(thi)!
+%
+I'll learn to play the Saxophone,
+I play just what I feel.
+Drink Scotch whisky all night long,
+And die behind the wheel.
+They got a name for the winners in the world,
+I want a name when I lose.
+They call Alabama the Crimson Tide,
+Call me Deacon Blues.
+ -- Becker and Fagan, "Deacon Blues"
+%
+I'll meet you... on the dark side of the moon...
+ -- Pink Floyd
+%
+I'll never get off this planet.
+ -- Luke Skywalker
+%
+I'll pretend to trust you if you'll pretend to trust me.
+%
+I'll turn over a new leaf.
+ -- Miguel de Cervantes
+%
+Illegal aliens have always been a problem in the United States. Ask
+any Indian.
+ -- Robert Orben
+
+Immigration is the sincerest form of flattery.
+ -- Jack Paar
+%
+Illegitimi non carborundum
+(translation: no carbonated drinks allowed.)
+%
+Illinois isn't exactly the land that God forgot:
+it's more like the land He's trying to ignore.
+%
+Illiterate? Write today, for free help!
+%
+Illusion is the first of all pleasures.
+ -- Voltaire
+%
+I'm a creationist; I refuse to believe
+that I could have evolved from man.
+%
+"I'm a doctor, not a mechanic."
+ -- "The Doomsday Machine", when asked if he had heard of
+ the idea of a doomsday machine.
+"I'm a doctor, not an escalator."
+ -- "Friday's Child", when asked to help the very pregnant
+ Ellen up a steep incline.
+"I'm a doctor, not a bricklayer."
+ -- Devil in the Dark", when asked to patch up the Horta.
+"I'm a doctor, not an engineer."
+ -- "Mirror, Mirror", when asked by Scotty for help in
+ Engineering aboard the ISS Enterprise.
+"I'm a doctor, not a coalminer."
+ -- "The Empath", on being beneath the surface of Minara 2.
+"I'm a surgeon, not a psychiatrist."
+ -- "City on the Edge of Forever", on Edith Keeler's remark
+ that Kirk talked strangely.
+"I'm no magician, Spock, just an old country doctor."
+ -- "The Deadly Years", to Spock while trying to cure the
+ aging effects of the rogue comet near Gamma Hydra 4.
+"What am I, a doctor or a moonshuttle conductor?"
+ -- "The Corbomite Maneuver", when Kirk rushed off from a
+ physical exam to answer the alert.
+%
+I'm a Hollywood writer; so I put on
+a sports jacket and take off my brain.
+%
+I'm a lucky guy, and I'm happy to be with the Yankees. And I want to
+ thank everyone for making this night necessary.
+ -- Yogi Berra at a dinner in his honor
+%
+I'm all for computer dating, but I
+wouldn't want one to marry my sister.
+%
+I'm always looking for a new idea that
+will be more productive than its cost.
+ -- David Rockefeller
+%
+I'm an artist.
+But it's not what I really want to do.
+What I really want to do is be a shoe salesman.
+I know what you're going to say --
+"Dreamer! Get your head out of the clouds."
+All right! But it's what I want to do.
+Instead I have to go on painting all day long.
+
+The world should make a place for shoe salesmen.
+ -- J. Feiffer
+%
+I'm an evolutionist; I refuse to believe
+that I could have been created by man.
+%
+"I'm ANN LANDERS!! I can SHOPLIFT!!"
+ -- Zippy the Pinhead
+%
+I'm dying beyond my means.
+ -- Oscar Wilde, his last words, while sipping champagne
+%
+"I'm dying," he croaked.
+"My experiment was a success," the chemist retorted .
+"You can't really train a beagle," he dogmatized.
+"That's no beagle, it's a mongrel," she muttered.
+"The fire is going out," he bellowed.
+"Bad marksmanship," the hunter groused.
+"You ought to see a psychiatrist," he reminded me.
+"You snake," she rattled.
+"Someone's at the door," she chimed.
+"Company's coming," she guessed.
+"Dawn came too soon," she mourned.
+"I think I'll end it all," Sue sighed.
+"I ordered chocolate, not vanilla," I screamed.
+"Your embroidery is sloppy," she needled cruelly.
+"Where did you get this meat?" he bridled hoarsely.
+ -- Gyles Brandreth, "The Joy of Lex"
+%
+I'm fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to die in.
+ -- George McGovern
+%
+I'm for bringing back the birch, but only for consenting adults.
+ -- Gore Vidal
+%
+I'm for peace -- I've yet to see a man wake up in the morning and say "I've
+just had a good war.
+ -- Mae West
+%
+I'm free -- and freedom tastes of reality.
+%
+I'm glad I was not born before tea.
+ -- Sidney Smith (1771-1845)
+%
+I'm glad that I'm an American,
+I'm glad that I am free,
+But I wish I were a little doggy,
+And McGovern were a tree.
+%
+I'm going through my "I want to go back to New York" phase today. Happens
+every six months or so. So, I thought, perhaps unwisely, that I'd share
+it with you.
+
+> In New York in the winter it is million degrees below zero and
+ the wind travels at a million miles an hour down 5th avenue.
+> And in LA it's 72.
+
+> In New York in the summer it is a million degrees and the humidity
+ is a million percent.
+> And in LA it's 72.
+
+> In New York there are a million interesting people.
+> And in LA there are 72.
+%
+I'm going to Boston to see my doctor. He's a very sick man.
+ -- Fred Allen
+%
+I'm going to give my psychoanalyst one more year, then I'm going to Lourdes.
+ -- Woody Allen
+%
+I'm going to raise an issue and stick it in your ear.
+ -- John Foreman
+%
+I'm going to Vietnam at the request of the White House. President Johnson
+says a war isn't really a war without my jokes.
+ -- Bob Hope
+%
+I'm hungry, time to eat lunch.
+%
+I'm in Pittsburgh. Why am I here?
+ -- Harold Urey
+%
+I'm just as sad as sad can be!
+ I've missed your special date.
+Please say that you're not mad at me
+ My tax return is late.
+ -- Modern Lines for Modern Greeting Cards
+%
+I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be
+living apart.
+ -- E.E. Cummings
+%
+I'm N-ary the tree, I am,
+N-ary the tree, I am, I am.
+I'm getting traversed by the parser next door,
+She's traversed me seven times before.
+And ev'ry time it was an N-ary (N-ary!)
+Never wouldn't ever do a binary. (No sir!)
+I'm 'er eighth tree that was N-ary.
+N-ary the tree I am, I am,
+N-ary the tree I am.
+ -- Stolen from Paul Revere and the Raiders
+%
+I'm not a lovable man.
+ -- Richard Nixon.
+%
+I'm not a real movie star -- I've still got the same wife I started out
+with twenty-eight years ago.
+ -- Will Rogers
+%
+I'm not afraid of death -- I just don't want to be there when it happens.
+ -- Woody Allen
+%
+I'm not denyin' the women are foolish: God Almighty made 'em to
+match the men.
+ -- George Eliot
+%
+I'm not even going to *bother* comparing C to BASIC or FORTRAN.
+ -- L. Zolman, creator of BDS C
+%
+I'm not laughing with you, I'm laughing at you.
+%
+I'm not offering myself as an example;
+every life evolves by its own laws.
+%
+I'm not prejudiced, I hate everyone equally.
+%
+I'm not proud.
+%
+"I'm not stupid, I'm not expendable, and I'M NOT GOING!"
+%
+I'm not sure I've even got the brains to be President.
+ -- Barry Goldwater, in 1964
+%
+I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert!
+%
+I'm not the person your mother warned you about... her imagination isn't
+that good.
+ -- Amy Gorin
+%
+I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol
+that some thinkle peep I am.
+It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get.
+%
+I'm often asked the question, "Do you think there is extraterrestrial intelli-
+gence?" I give the standard arguments -- there are a lot of places out there,
+and use the word *billions*, and so on. And then I say it would be astonishing
+to me if there weren't extraterrestrial intelligence, but of course there is as
+yet no compelling evidence for it. And then I'm asked, "Yeah, but what do you
+really think?" I say, "I just told you what I really think." "Yeah, but
+what's your gut feeling?" But I try not to think with my gut. Really, it's
+okay to reserve judgment until the evidence is in.
+ -- Carl Sagan
+%
+I'm prepared for all emergencies but
+totally unprepared for everyday life.
+%
+I'm proud to be paying taxes in the United States. The only thing is
+-- I could be just as proud for half the money.
+ -- Arthur Godfrey
+%
+I'm really enjoying not talking to you...
+Let's not talk again REAL soon...
+%
+I'm so broke I can't even pay attention.
+%
+I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're here.
+%
+I'm sorry, but my kharma just ran over your dogma.
+%
+I'm sorry I missed.
+ -- Squeaky Fromme
+%
+I'm sorry if the correct way of doing things offends you.
+%
+I'm still waiting for the advent of the computer science groupie.
+%
+I'm successful because I'm lucky.
+The harder I work, the luckier I get.
+%
+"I'm terribly sorry, sir," the novice barber apologized, after badly nicking
+a customer. "Let me wrap your head in a towel."
+ "That's all right," said the customer. "I'll just take it home under
+my arm."
+%
+I'm very good at integral and differential calculus,
+I know the scientific names of beings animalculous;
+In short, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral,
+I am the very model of a modern Major-General.
+ -- Gilbert & Sullivan, "The Pirates of Penzance"
+%
+I'm very old-fashioned. I believe that people should marry for life,
+like pigeons and Catholics.
+ -- Woody Allen
+%
+Imagination is more important than knowledge.
+ -- A. Einstein
+%
+Imagination is the one weapon in the war against reality.
+ -- Jules de Gaultier
+%
+Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual
+way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of
+complaining.
+ -- Jeff Raskin
+%
+Imagine me going around with a pot belly.
+It would mean political ruin.
+ -- Adolf Hitler
+%
+Imagine that Cray computer decides to make a personal computer. It has a
+150 MHz processor, 200 megabytes of RAM, 1500 megabytes of disk storage, a
+screen resolution of 1024 x 1024 pixels, relies entirely on voice recognition
+for input, fits in your shirt pocket and costs $300. What's the first
+question that the computer community asks?
+
+"Is it PC compatible?"
+%
+Imagine there's no heaven... it's easy if you try.
+ -- John Lennon, "Imagine"
+%
+Imagine what we can imagine!
+ -- Arthur Rubinstein
+%
+Imbalance of power corrupts and monopoly of power corrupts absolutely.
+ -- Genji
+%
+Imbesi's Law with Freeman's Extension:
+ In order for something to become clean, something else must
+ become dirty; but you can get everything dirty without getting
+ anything clean.
+%
+Imitation is the sincerest form of television.
+ -- Fred Allen
+%
+Immanuel doesn't pun, he Kant.
+%
+Immanuel Kant but Kubla Khan.
+%
+Immature artists imitate, mature artists steal.
+ -- Lionel Trilling
+%
+Immature poets imitate, mature poets steal.
+ -- T.S. Eliot, "Philip Massinger"
+%
+Immigration is the sincerest form of flattery.
+ -- Jack Paar
+%
+Immortality -- a fate worse than death.
+ -- Edgar A. Shoaff
+%
+Immutability, Three Rules of:
+ (1) If a tarpaulin can flap, it will.
+ (2) If a small boy can get dirty, he will.
+ (3) If a teenager can go out, he will.
+%
+IMPARTIAL:
+ Unable to perceive any promise of personal advantage from
+ espousing either side of a controversy or adopting either of two
+ conflicting opinions.
+%
+Important letters which contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.
+Corresponding errors will show up in the duplicate while the Boss is reading
+it. Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by spontaneously moving
+from where you left them to where you can't find them.
+%
+In 1967, the Soviet Government minted a beautiful silver ruble with Lenin
+in a very familiar pose - arms raised above him, leading the country to
+revolution. But, it was clear to everybody, that if you looked at it from
+behind, it was clear that Lenin was pointing to 11:00, when the Vodka
+shops opened, and was actually saying, "Comrades, forward to the Vodka shops.
+
+It became fashionable, when one wanted to have a drink, to take out the
+ruble and say, "Oh my goodness, Comrades, Lenin tells me we should go.
+%
+In 1989, the United States, which was displeased with the policies of the
+dictator of Panama, invaded that country and placed in power a government
+more to its liking.
+
+In 1990, Iraq, which was displeased with the policies of the dictator of
+Kuwait, invaded that country and placed in power a government more to its
+liking.
+%
+In a bottle, the neck is always at the top.
+%
+In a circuit with a fast-acting fuse,
+an IC will blow to protect the fuse.
+%
+In a consumer society there are inevitably two kinds of slaves:
+the prisoners of addiction and the prisoners of envy.
+%
+In a country where the sole employer is the State, opposition means death
+by slow starvation. The old principle: Who does not work shall not eat,
+has been replaced by a new one: Who does not obey shall not eat.
+ -- Leon Trotsky, 1937
+%
+In a display of perverse brilliance, Carl the repairman mistakes a room
+humidifier for a mid-range computer but manages to tie it into the network
+anyway.
+ -- The 5th Wave
+%
+In a five year period we can get one superb programming language.
+Only we can't control when the five year period will begin.
+%
+In a gathering of two or more people, when a lighted cigarette is
+placed in an ashtray, the smoke will waft into the face of the non-smoker.
+%
+In a great romance, each person basically plays a part that the
+other really likes.
+ -- Elizabeth Ashley
+%
+In a hierarchy every employee tends to rise to his level of incompetence ...
+in time every post tends to be occupied by an employee who is incompetent
+to carry out its duties ... Work is accomplished by those employees who
+have not yet reached their level of incompetence.
+ -- Dr. Laurence J. Peter, "The Peter Principle"
+%
+In a minimum-phase system there is an inextricable link between
+frequency response, phase response and transient response, as they
+are all merely transforms of one another. This combined with
+minimalization of open-loop errors in output amplifiers and correct
+compensation for non-linear passive crossover network loading can
+lead to a significant decrease in system resolution lost. However,
+this all means jack when you listen to Pink Floyd.
+%
+In a surprise raid last night, federal agent's ransacked a house in search
+of a rebel computer hacker. However, they were unable to complete the arrest
+because the warrant was made out in the name of Don Provan, while the only
+person in the house was named don provan. Proving, once again, that Unix is
+superior to Tops10.
+%
+In a whiskey it's age, in a cigarette it's
+taste and in a sports car it's impossible.
+%
+In America any boy may become President, and I suppose that's just the
+risk he takes.
+ -- Adlai Stevenson
+%
+In America, it's not how much an item costs, it's how much you save.
+%
+In an age when the fashion is to be in love with yourself, confessing to
+be in love with somebody else is an admission of unfaithfulness to one's
+beloved.
+ -- Russell Baker
+%
+In an orderly world, there's always a place for the disorderly.
+%
+In any country there must be people who have to die. They are the
+sacrifices any nation has to make to achieve law and order.
+ -- Idi Amin Dada
+%
+In any formula, constants (especially those obtained from handbooks)
+are to be treated as variables.
+%
+In any problem, if you find yourself doing an infinite amount of work,
+the answer may be obtained by inspection.
+%
+In any world menu, Canada must be considered the vichyssoise of nations --
+it's cold, half-French, and difficult to stir.
+ -- Stuart Keate
+%
+IN BOX:
+ A catch basin for everything you don't want
+ to deal with, but are afraid to throw away.
+%
+In breeding cattle you need one bull for every twenty-five cows, unless
+the cows are known sluts.
+ -- Johnny Carson
+%
+In Brooklyn, we had such great pennant races, it
+made the World Series just something that came later.
+ -- Walter O'Malley, Dodgers owner
+%
+In buying horses and taking a wife
+shut your eyes tight and commend yourself to God.
+%
+In California, Bill Honig, the Superintendent of Public Instruction, said he
+thought the general public should have a voice in defining what an excellent
+teacher should know. "I would not leave the definition of math," Dr. Honig
+said, "up to the mathematicians."
+ -- The New York Times, October 22, 1985
+%
+In California they don't throw their garbadge away -- they make
+it into television shows.
+ -- Woody Allen, "Annie Hall"
+%
+In case of atomic attack, all work rules will be temporarily suspended.
+%
+In case of atomic attack, the federal ruling
+against prayer in schools will be temporarily cancelled.
+%
+In case of fire, stand in the hall and shout "Fire!"
+ -- The Kidner Report
+%
+In case of fire, yell "FIRE!"
+%
+In case of injury notify your superior immediately.
+He'll kiss it and make it better.
+%
+In charity there is no excess.
+ -- Francis Bacon
+%
+In childhood a woman must be subject to her father; in youth to her
+husband; when her husband is dead, to her sons. A woman must never
+be free of subjugation.
+ -- The Hindu Code of Manu
+%
+In computing, the mean time to failure keeps getting shorter.
+%
+In Cristianity, a man may have only one wife.
+This is called Monotony.
+%
+In defeat, unbeatable; in victory, unbearable.
+ -- W. Churchill, on General Montgomery
+%
+In dwelling, be close to the land.
+In meditation, delve deep into the heart.
+In dealing with others, be gentle and kind.
+In speech, be true.
+In work, be competent.
+In action, be careful of your timing.
+ -- Lao Tsu
+%
+In English, every word can be verbed. Would that it were so in our
+programming languages.
+%
+In every country and every age, the priest has been hostile to Liberty.
+ -- Thomas Jefferson
+%
+In every hierarchy the cream rises until it sours.
+ -- Dr. Laurence J. Peter
+%
+In every job that must be done, there is an element of fun.
+Find the fun and snap! The job's a game.
+And every task you undertake, becomes a piece of cake,
+ a lark, a spree; it's very clear to see.
+ -- Mary Poppins
+%
+In every non-trivial program there is at least one bug.
+%
+In fact, S. M. Simpson, eventually devised an efficient 24-point Fourier
+transform, which was a precursor to the Cooley-Tukey fast Fourier transform
+in 1965. The FFT made all of Simpson's efficient autocorrelation and
+spectrum programs instantly obsolete, on which he had worked half a lifetime.
+ -- Proc. IEEE, Sept. 1982, p.900
+%
+In fiction the recourse of the powerless is murder;
+in life the recourse of the powerless is petty theft.
+%
+In Germany they first came for the Communists and I didn't speak up because
+I wasn't a Communist. Then they came for the Jews, and I didn't speak up
+because I wasn't a Jew. Then they came for the trade unionists, and I
+didn't speak up because I wasn't a trade unionist. Then they came for the
+Catholics, and I didn't speak up because I was a Protestant. Then they came
+for me -- and by that time no one was left to speak up.
+ -- Pastor Martin Niemoller
+%
+In God we trust; all else we walk through.
+%
+In good speaking, should not the mind of the speaker
+know the truth of the matter about which he is to speak?
+ -- Plato
+%
+In her first passion woman loves her lover,
+In all the others all she loves is love.
+ -- George Gordon, Lord Byron, "Don Juan"
+%
+In high school in Brooklyn
+I was the baseball manager,
+proud as I could be
+I chased baseballs,
+gathered thrown bats
+handed out the towels Eventually, I bought my own
+It was very important work but it was dark blue while
+for a small spastic kid, the official ones were green
+but I was a team member Nobody ever said anything
+When the team got to me about my blue jacket;
+their warm-up jackets the guys were my friends
+I didn't get one Yet it hurt me all year
+Only the regular team to wear that blue jacket
+got these jackets, and among all those green ones
+surely not a manager Even now, forty years after,
+ I still recall that jacket
+ and the memory goes on hurting.
+ -- Bart Lanier Safford III, "An Obscured Radiance"
+%
+In Hollywood, all marriages are happy. It's trying to live together
+afterwards that causes the problems.
+ -- Shelley Winters
+%
+In Hollywood, if you don't have happiness, you send out for it.
+ -- Rex Reed
+%
+In India, "cold weather" is merely a conventional phrase and has come into
+use through the necessity of having some way to distinguish between weather
+which will melt a brass door-knob and weather which will only make it mushy.
+ -- Mark Twain
+%
+In Italy, for thirty years under the Borgias, they had warfare, terror,
+murder, and bloodshed, but they produced Michaelangelo, Leonardo da Vinci
+and the Renaissance. In Switzerland, they had brotherly love, they had
+five hundred years of democracy and peace -- and what did they produce?
+The cuckoo-clock.
+ -- Orson Welles, "The Third Man"
+%
+In just seven days, I can make you a man!
+ -- The Rocky Horror Picture Show
+ [ (and seven nights...) Ed.]
+%
+In less than a century, computers will be making substantial
+progress on ... the overriding problem of war and peace.
+ -- James Slagle
+%
+In like a dimwit, out like a light.
+ -- Pogo
+%
+In love, she who gives her portrait promises the original.
+ -- Bruton
+%
+In marriage, as in war, it is permitted
+to take every advantage of the enemy.
+%
+In Marseilles they make half the toilet soap we consume in America, but
+the Marseillaise only have a vague theoretical idea of its use, which they
+have obtained from books of travel.
+ -- Mark Twain
+%
+In matters of principle, stand like a rock;
+in matters of taste, swim with the current.
+ -- Thomas Jefferson
+%
+In Mexico we have a word for sushi: bait.
+ -- Josi Simon
+%
+In Minnesota they ask why all football fields in Iowa have artificial turf.
+It's so the cheerleaders won't graze during the game.
+%
+In most instances, all an argument
+proves is that two people are present.
+%
+In my end is my beginning.
+ -- Mary Stuart, Queen of Scots
+%
+In my experience, if you have to keep the lavatory door shut by extending
+your left leg, it's modern architecture.
+ -- Nancy Banks Smith
+%
+IN MY OPINION anyone interested in improving himself should not rule out
+becoming pure energy.
+ -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
+%
+In Nature there are neither rewards nor
+punishments, there are consequences.
+ -- R.G. Ingersoll
+%
+In olden times sacrifices were made at the altar --
+a practice which is still continued.
+ -- Helen Rowland
+%
+In order to dial out, it is necessary to broaden one's dimension.
+%
+In order to discover who you are, first learn who everybody else is;
+you're what's left.
+%
+In order to get a loan you must first prove you don't need it.
+%
+In order to live free and happily, you must sacrifice boredom.
+It is not always an easy sacrifice.
+%
+In our civilization, and under our republican form of government, intelligence
+is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption from the cares of office.
+ -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+%
+In our civilization, and under our republican form of government,
+intelligence is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption
+from the cares of office.
+%
+In Oz, never say "krizzle kroo" to a Woozy.
+%
+In Pierre Trudeau, Canada has finally produced
+a Prime Minister worthy of assassination.
+ -- John Diefenbaker
+%
+In practice, failures in system development, like unemployment in Russia,
+happens a lot despite official propaganda to the contrary.
+ -- Paul Licker
+%
+In real love you want the other person's good. In romantic love you
+want the other person.
+ -- Margaret Anderson
+%
+In San Francisco, Halloween is redundant.
+ -- Will Durst
+%
+In science it often happens that scientists say, 'You know that's a really
+good argument; my position is mistaken,' and then they actually change
+their minds and you never hear that old view from them again. They really
+do it. It doesn't happen as often as it should, because scientists are
+human and change is sometimes painful. But it happens every day. I cannot
+recall the last time something like that happened in politics or religion.
+ -- Carl Sagan, 1987 CSICOP keynote address
+%
+In short, N is Richardian if, and only if, N is not Richardian.
+%
+In spite of everything, I still believe that people are good at heart.
+ -- Ann Frank
+%
+In success there's a tendency to keep on doing what you were doing.
+ -- Alan Kay
+%
+In the beginning there was nothing. And the Lord said "Let There Be Light!"
+And still there was nothing, but at least now you could see it.
+%
+In the beginning was the word.
+But by the time the second word was added to it,
+There was trouble.
+For with it came syntax ...
+ -- John Simon
+%
+In the course of reading Hadamard's "The Psychology of Invention in the
+Mathematical Field", I have come across evidence supporting a fact
+which we coffee achievers have long appreciated: no really creative,
+intelligent thought is possible without a good cup of coffee. On page
+14, Hadamard is discussing Poincare's theory of fuchsian groups and
+fuchsian functions, which he describes as "... one of his greatest
+discoveries, the first which consecrated his glory ..." Hadamard refers
+to Poincare having had a "... sleepless night which initiated all that
+memorable work ..." and gives the following, very revealing quote:
+
+ "One evening, contrary to my custom, I drank black coffee and
+ could not sleep. Ideas rose in crowds; I felt them collide
+ until pairs interlocked, so to speak, making a stable
+ combination."
+
+Too bad drinking black coffee was contrary to his custom. Maybe he
+could really have amounted to something as a coffee achiever.
+%
+In the days of old,
+When Knights were bold,
+ And women were too cautious;
+Oh, those gallant days,
+When women were women,
+ And men were really obnoxious.
+%
+In the dimestores and bus stations
+People talk of situations
+Read books repeat quotations
+Draw conclusions on the wall.
+ -- Bob Dylan
+%
+In the early morning queue,
+With a listing in my hand.
+With a worry in my heart, There on terminal number 9,
+Waitin' here in CERAS-land. Pascal run all set to go.
+I'm a long way from sleep, But I'm waitin' in the queue,
+How I miss a good meal so. With this code that ever grows.
+In the early mornin' queue, Now the lobby chairs are soft,
+With no place to go. But that can't make the queue move fast.
+ Hey, there it goes my friend,
+ I've moved up one at last.
+ -- Ernest Adams, "Early Morning Queue", to "Early
+ Morning Rain" by G. Lightfoot
+%
+In the east there is a shark which is larger than all other fish. It changes
+into a bird whose wings are like clouds filling the sky. When this bird
+moves across the land, it brings a message from Corporate Headquarters. This
+message it drops into the midst of the programmers, like a seagull making
+its mark upon the beach. Then the bird mounts on the wind and, with the blue
+sky at its back, returns home.
+
+The novice programmer stares in wonder at the bird, for he understands it not.
+The average programmer dreads the coming of the bird, for he fears its message.
+The master programmer continues to work at his terminal, for he does not know
+ that the bird has come and gone.
+%
+In the eyes of my dog, I'm a man.
+ -- Martin Mull
+%
+In the first place, God made idiots;
+this was for practice; then he made school boards.
+ -- Mark Twain
+%
+In the force if Yoda's so strong, construct a sentence with words in
+the proper order then why can't he?
+%
+In the force if Yoda's so strong, construct a sentence with words in
+the proper order then why can't he?
+
+
+I met him in a swamp down in Dagobah
+Where it bubbles all the time like a giant cabinet soda
+ S-O-D-A soda
+I saw the little runt sitting there on a log
+I asked him his name and in a raspy voice he said Yoda
+ Y-O-D-A Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda
+
+Well I've been around but I ain't never seen
+A guy who looks like a Muppet but he's wrinkled and green
+ Oh my Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda
+Well I'm not dumb but I can't understand
+How he can raise me in the air just by raising his hand
+ Oh my Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda
+ -- The STAR WARS Song, to "Lola", by the Kinks
+%
+In the future, there will be fewer but better Russians.
+ -- Joseph Stalin
+%
+In the future, you're going to get computers as prizes in breakfast cereals.
+You'll throw them out because your house will be littered with them.
+%
+In the Halls of Justice the only justice is in the halls.
+ -- Lenny Bruce
+%
+In the highest society, as well as in the lowest,
+woman is merely an instrument of pleasure.
+ -- Tolstoy
+%
+In the land of the dark the Ship of the
+Sun is driven by the Grateful Dead.
+ -- Egyptian Book of the Dead
+%
+In the long run, every program becomes rococco, and then rubble.
+ -- Alan Perlis
+%
+In the long run we are all dead.
+ -- John Maynard Keynes
+%
+In the middle of a wide field is a pot of gold. 100 feet to the north stands
+a smart manager. 100 feet to the south stands a dumb manager. 100 feet to
+the east is the Easter Bunny, and 100 feet to the west is Santa Claus.
+
+Q: Who gets to the pot of gold first?
+A: The dumb manager. All the rest are myths.
+%
+In the midst of one of the wildest parties he'd ever been to, the young man
+noticed a very prim and pretty girl sitting quietly apart from the rest of
+the revelers. Approaching her, he introduced himself and, after some quiet
+conversation, said, "I'm afraid you and I don't really fit in with this
+jaded group. Why don't I take you home?""
+ "Fine," said the girl, smiling up at him demurely. "Where do you
+live?"
+%
+In the misfortune of our friends we find something that is not
+displeasing to us.
+ -- La Rochefoucauld, "Maxims"
+%
+In the next world, you're on your own.
+%
+In the Old West a wagon train is crossing the plains. As night falls the
+wagon train forms a circle, and a campfire is lit in the middle. After
+everyone has gone to sleep two lone cavalry officers stand watch over the
+camp.
+ After several hours of quiet, they hear war drums starting from
+a nearby Indian village they had passed during the day. The drums get
+louder and louder.
+ Finally one soldier turns to the other and says, "I don't like
+the sound of those drums."
+ Suddenly, they hear a cry come from the Indian camp: "IT'S
+NOT OUR REGULAR DRUMMER."
+%
+In the olden days in England, you could be hung for stealing a sheep or a
+loaf of bread. However, if a sheep stole a loaf of bread and gave it to
+you, you would only be tried for receiving, a crime punishable by forty
+lashes with the cat or the dog, whichever was handy. If you stole a dog
+and were caught, you were punished with twelve rabbit punches, although it
+was hard to find rabbits big enough or strong enough to punch you.
+ -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
+%
+In the plot, people came to the land; the land loved them; they worked and
+struggled and had lots of children. There was a Frenchman who talked funny
+and a greenhorn from England who was a fancy-pants but when it came to the
+crunch he was all courage. Those novels would make you retch.
+ -- Canadian novelist Robertson Davies, on the generic Canadian
+ novel.
+%
+In the space of one hundred and seventy-six years the Mississippi has
+shortened itself two hundred and forty-two miles. Therefore ... in the Old
+Silurian Period the Mississippi River was upward of one million three hundred
+thousand miles long ... seven hundred and forty-two years from now the
+Mississippi will be only a mile and three-quarters long. ... There is
+something fascinating about science. One gets such wholesome returns of
+conjecture out of such a trifling investment of fact.
+ -- Mark Twain
+%
+In the Spring, I have counted 136
+different kinds of weather inside of 24 hours.
+ -- Mark Twain, on New England weather
+%
+In the stairway of life, you'd best take the elevator.
+%
+In the Top 40, half the songs are secret messages to the teen world to drop
+out, turn on, and groove with the chemicals and light shows at discotheques.
+ -- Art Linkletter
+%
+In the war of wits, he's unarmed.
+%
+In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice.
+In practice, there is.
+%
+In these matters the only certainty is that there is nothing certain.
+ -- Pliny the Elder
+%
+In this vale
+Of toil and sin
+Your head grows bald
+But not your chin.
+ -- Burma Shave
+%
+In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes.
+ -- Benjamin Franklin
+%
+In this world of sin and sorrow there is always something to be
+thankful for; as for me, I rejoice that I am not a Republican.
+ -- H.L. Mencken
+%
+In this world some people are going to like me and some are not.
+So, I may as well be me. Then I know if someone likes me, they like me.
+%
+In this world there are only two tragedies. One is
+not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.
+ -- Oscar Wilde
+%
+In this world, truth can wait; she's used to it.
+%
+In time, every post tends to be occupied by an
+employee who is incompetent to carry out its duties.
+ -- Dr. L.J. Peter
+%
+In /users3 did Kubla Kahn
+A stately pleasure dome decree,
+Where /bin, the sacred river ran
+Through Test Suites measureless to Man
+Down to a sunless C.
+%
+In war it is not men, but the man who counts.
+ -- Napoleon
+%
+In war, truth is the first casualty.
+ -- U Thant
+%
+In which level of metalanguage are you now speaking?
+%
+In wine there is truth (In vino veritas).
+ -- Pliny
+%
+In Xanadu did Kubla Khan a stately pleasure dome decree
+But only if the NFL to a franchise would agree.
+%
+In Xanadu did Kubla Khan
+A stately pleasure dome decree:
+Where Alph, the sacred river, ran
+Through caverns measureless to man
+Down to a sunless sea.
+So twice five miles of fertile ground
+With walls and towers were girdled round:
+And there were gardens bright with sinuous rills,
+Where blossomed many an incense-bearing tree;
+And here were forest ancient as the hills,
+Enfolding sunny spots of greenery.
+ -- S.T. Coleridge, "Kubla Kahn"
+%
+In youth, it was a way I had
+To do my best to please,
+And change, with every passing lad,
+To suit his theories.
+
+But now I know the things I know,
+And do the things I do;
+And if you do not like me so,
+To hell, my love, with you!
+ -- Dorothy Parker, "Indian Summer"
+%
+INCENTIVE PROGRAM:
+ The system of long and short-term rewards that a corporation uses
+ to motivate its people. Still, despite all the experimentation with
+ profit sharing, stock options, and the like, the most effective
+ incentive program to date seems to be "Do a good job and you get to
+ keep it."
+%
+Include me out.
+%
+Increased knowledge will help you now.
+Have mate's phone bugged.
+%
+INCUMBENT:
+ Person of livliest interest to the outcumbents.
+%
+Indecision is the true basis for flexibility.
+%
+Indeed, the first noble truth of Buddhism, usually translated as
+`all life is suffering,' is more accurately rendered `life is filled
+with a sense of pervasive unsatisfactoriness.'
+ -- M.D. Epstein
+%
+INDEX:
+ Alphabetical list of words of no possible interest where an
+ alphabetical list of subjects with references ought to be.
+%
+Indiana is a state dedicated to basketball. Basketball, soybeans, hogs and
+basketball. Berkeley, needless to say, is not nearly as athletic. Berkeley
+is dedicated to coffee, angst, potholes and coffee.
+ -- Carolyn Jones
+%
+Indifference will certainly be the downfall of mankind, but who cares?
+%
+Individualists unite!
+%
+Indomitable in retreat; invincible in
+advance; insufferable in victory.
+ -- Winston Churchill, on General Montgomery
+%
+infancy, n:
+ The period of our lives when, according to Wordsworth, "Heaven lies
+about us." The world begins lying about us pretty soon afterward.
+ -- Ambrose Bierce
+%
+Infidel: In New York, one who does not believe in the
+Christian religion; in Constantinople, one who does.
+ -- Ambrose Bierce
+%
+Inform all the troops that communications have completely broken down.
+%
+Information Center:
+ A room staffed by professional computer people whose job it is to
+ tell you why you cannot have the information you require.
+%
+Information is the inverse of entropy.
+%
+Information Processing:
+ What you call data processing when people are so disgusted with
+ it they won't let it be discussed in their presence.
+%
+Inglish Spocken Hier: some mangled translations
+
+ Sign on a cabin door of a Soviet Black Sea cruise liner:
+ Helpsavering apparata in emergings behold many whistles!
+ Associate the stringing apparata about the bosums and meet
+ behind, flee then to the indifferent lifesaveringshippen
+ obedicing the instructs of the vessel.
+
+ On the door in a Belgrade hotel:
+ Let us know about any unficiency as well as leaking on
+ the service. Our utmost will improve it.
+
+ -- Colin Bowles
+%
+Inglish Spocken Hier: some mangled translations
+
+ Sign on a cathedral in Spain:
+ It is forbidden to enter a woman, even a foreigner if
+ dressed as a man.
+
+ Above the enterance to a Cairo bar:
+ Unaccompanied ladies not admitted unless with husband
+ or similar.
+
+ On a Bucharest elevator:
+
+ The lift is being fixed for the next days.
+ During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.
+
+ -- Colin Bowles
+%
+Inglish Spocken Hier: some mangled translations
+
+ Various signs in Poland:
+
+ Right turn toward immediate outside.
+
+ Go soothingly in the snow, as there lurk the ski demons.
+
+ Five o'clock tea at all hours.
+
+ In a men's washroom in Sidney:
+
+ Shake excess water from hands, push button to start,
+ rub hands rapidly under air outlet and wipe hands
+ on front of shirt.
+
+ -- Colin Bowles, San Francisco Chronicle
+%
+ingrate, n:
+ A man who bites the hand that feeds him,
+ and then complains of indigestion.
+%
+Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere.
+ -- Martin Luther King, Jr.
+%
+ink, n:
+ A villainous compound of tannogallate of iron, gum-arabic,
+ and water, chiefly used to facilitate the infection of
+ idiocy and promote intellectual crime.
+ -- H.L. Mencken
+%
+Innocence ends when one is stripped of the delusion that one
+likes oneself.
+ -- Joan Didion, "On Self Respect"
+%
+INNOVATE:
+ Annoy people.
+%
+Innovation is hard to schedule.
+ -- Dan Fylstra
+%
+INNUENDO:
+ Italian enema.
+%
+Insanity is considered a ground for divorce, though by the very same
+token it is the shortest detour to marriage.
+ -- Wilson Mizner
+%
+Insanity is inherited, you get it from your kids!
+%
+Insanity is the final defense. It's hard to get a refund when
+the salesman is sniffing your crotch and baying at the moon.
+%
+INSECURITY:
+ Finding out that you've mispronounced for years one of your
+ favorite words.
+
+ Realizing halfway through a joke that you're telling it to
+ the person who told it to you.
+%
+Inside every large problem is a small problem struggling to get out.
+%
+Insomnia isn't anything to lose sleep over.
+%
+Inspector: "Mrs. Freem, was this your husband's first
+ hunting accident?"
+Mrs. Freem: "His first fatal one, yes."
+ -- Woody Allen
+%
+Inspiration without perspiration is usually sterile.
+%
+Instead of giving money to found colleges to promote learning, why don't
+they pass a constitutional amendment prohibiting anybody from learning
+anything? If it works as good as the Prohibition one did, why, in five
+years we would have the smartest race of people on earth.
+ -- The Best of Will Rogers
+%
+Instead of loving your enemies, treat your friends a little better.
+ -- Edgar W. Howe
+%
+Integrity has no need for rules.
+%
+Intel CPUs are not defective, they just act that way.
+ -- Henry Spencer
+%
+Intellect annuls Fate.
+So far as a man thinks, he is free.
+ -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
+%
+Interchangeable parts won't.
+%
+INTEREST:
+ What borrowers pay, lenders receive, stockholders own, and
+ burned out employees must feign.
+%
+Interesting poll results reported in today's New York Post: people on the
+street in midtown Manhattan were asked whether they approved of the US
+invasion of Grenada. Fifty-three percent said yes; 39 percent said no;
+and 8 percent said "Gimme a quarter?"
+ -- David Letterman
+%
+Interfere? Of course we should interfere! Always do what you're
+best at, that's what I say.
+ -- Doctor Who
+%
+INTERPRETER:
+ One who enables two persons of different languages to understand
+ each other by repeating to each what it would have been to the
+ interpreter's advantage for the other to have said.
+%
+Into love and out again,
+ Thus I went and thus I go.
+Spare your voice, and hold your pen:
+ Well and bitterly I know
+All the songs were ever sung,
+ All the words were ever said;
+Could it be, when I was young,
+ Someone dropped me on my head?
+ -- Dorothy Parker, "Theory"
+%
+INTOXICATED:
+ When you feel sophisticated without being able to pronounce it.
+%
+Introducing, the 1010, a one-bit processor.
+
+INSTRUCTION SET
+ Code Mnemonic What
+ 0 NOP No Operation
+ 1 JMP Jump (address specified by next 2 bits)
+
+Now Available for only 12 1/2 cents!
+%
+Invest in physics -- own a piece of Dirac!
+%
+Involvement with people is always a very delicate thing --
+it requires real maturity to become involved and not get all messed up.
+ -- Bernard Cooke
+%
+I/O, I/O,
+It's off to disk I go,
+A bit or byte to read or write,
+I/O, I/O, I/O...
+%
+
+
+_/I\_____________o______________o___/I\ l * / /_/ * __ ' .* l
+I"""_____________l______________l___"""I\ l *// _l__l_ . *. l
+ [__][__][(******)__][__](******)[__][] \l l-\ ---//---*----(oo)----------l
+ [][__][__(******)][__][_(******)_][__] l l \\ // ____ >-( )-< / l
+ [__][__][_l l[__][__][l l][__][] l l \\)) ._****_.(......) .@@@:::l
+ [][__][__]l .l_][__][__] .l__][__] l l ll _(o_o)_ (@*_*@ l
+ [__][__][/ <_)[__][__]/ <_)][__][] l l ll ( / \ ) / / / ) l
+ [][__][ /..,/][__][__][/..,/_][__][__] l l / \\ _\ \_ / _\_\ l
+ [__][__(__/][__][__][_(__/_][__][__][] l l______________________________l
+ [__][__]] l , , . [__][__][] l
+ [][__][_] l . i. '/ , [][__][__] l /\**/\ season's
+ [__][__]] l O .\ / /, O [__][__][] l ( o_o )_) greetings
+_[][__][_] l__l======='=l____[][__][__] l_______,(u u ,),__________________
+ [__][__]]/ /l\-------/l\ [__][__][]/ {}{}{}{}{}{}<R>
+
+In Ellen's house it is warm and toasty while fuzzies play in the snow outside.
+
+%
+IOT trap -- core dumped
+%
+IOT trap -- mos dumped
+%
+Iowa State -- the high school after high school!
+ -- Crow T. Robot
+%
+Iowans ask why Minnesotans don't drink more Kool-Aid. That's because
+they can't figure out how to get two quarts of water into one of those
+little paper envelopes.
+%
+Iron Law of Distribution:
+ Them that has, gets.
+%
+IRONY:
+ A windy day, when, just as a beautiful girl with
+ a short skirt approaches, dust blows in your eyes.
+%
+Is a computer language with goto's totally Wirth-less?
+%
+Is a person who blows up banks an econoclast?
+%
+"Is a tatoo real, like a curb or a battleship?
+Or are we suffering in Safeway?"
+ -- Zippy the Pinhead
+%
+Is a wedding successful if it comes off without a hitch?
+%
+Is death legally binding?
+%
+Is it possible that software is not like anything else, that it is
+meant to be discarded: that the whole point is to always see it as
+a soap bubble?
+%
+Is it weird in here, or is it just me?
+ -- Steven Wright
+%
+Is knowledge knowable? If not, how do we know that?
+%
+Is not marriage an open question, when it is alleged, from the beginning
+of the world, that such as are in the institution wish to get out,
+and such as are out wish to get in?
+ -- Ralph Emerson
+%
+Is sex dirty? Only if it's done right.
+ -- Woody Allen, "All You Ever Wanted To Know About Sex"
+%
+Is that a pistol in your pocket or are you just glad to see me?
+ -- Mae West
+%
+Is that really YOU that is reading this?
+%
+"Is there any point to which you would wish to draw my attention?"
+"To the curious incident of the dog in the night-time."
+"The dog did nothing in the night-time."
+"That was the curious incident," remarked Sherlock Holmes.
+%
+Is there life before breakfast?
+%
+Is this really happening?
+%
+Isn't air travel wonderful?
+Breakfast in London, dinner in New York, luggage in Brazil.
+%
+Isn't it conceivable to you that an intelligent
+person could harbor two opposing ideas in his mind?
+ -- Adlai Stevenson, to reporters
+%
+Isn't it interesting that the same people who laugh at science fiction
+listen to weather forecasts and economists?
+ -- Kelvin Throop III
+%
+Isn't it ironic that many men spend a great part of their lives
+avoiding marriage while single-mindedly pursuing those things that
+would make them better prospects?
+%
+Isn't it nice that people who prefer Los Angeles to San Francisco live
+there?
+ -- Herb Caen
+%
+Isn't it strange that the same people that
+laugh at gypsy fortune tellers take economists seriously?
+%
+ISO applications:
+ A solution in search of a problem!
+%
+Issawi's Laws of Progress:
+ The Course of Progress:
+ Most things get steadily worse.
+ The Path of Progress:
+ A shortcut is the longest distance between two points.
+%
+It appears that PL/I (and its dialects) is, or will be, the
+most widely used higher level language for systems programming.
+ -- J. Sammet
+%
+It cannot be seen, cannot be felt,
+Cannot be heard, cannot be smelt.
+It lies behind starts and under hills,
+And empty holes it fills.
+It comes first and follows after,
+Ends life, kills laughter.
+%
+"It could be that Walter's horse has wings" does not imply that there is
+any such animal as Walter's horse, only that there could be; but "Walter's
+horse is a thing which could have wings" does imply Walter's horse's
+existence. But the conjunction "Walter's horse exists, and it could be
+that Walter's horse has wings" still does not imply "Walter's horse is a
+thing that could have wings", for perhaps it can only be that Walter's
+horse has wings by Walter having a different horse. Nor does "Walter's
+horse is a thing which could have wings" conversely imply "It could be that
+Walter's horse has wings"; for it might be that Walter's horse could only
+have wings by not being Walter's horse.
+
+I would deny, though, that the formula [Necessarily if some x has property P
+then some x has property P] expresses a logical law, since P(x) could stand
+for, let us say "x is a better logician than I am", and the statement "It is
+necessary that if someone is a better logician than I am then someone is a
+better logician than I am" is false because there need not have been any me.
+ -- A.N. Prior, "Time and Modality"
+%
+It destroys one's nerves to be amiable every day to the same human being.
+ -- Benjamin Disraeli
+%
+It did not occur to me that my being with two men continuously would
+interest anyone or arouse anyone's misgivings. I asked for an invitation
+for Heinrich too, as often as it seemed possible, when Paulus and I were
+invited to a social gathering. I felt the set of rules others lived by
+was irrelevant. My childhood attitude -- every attempt to adjust is
+hopeless and you might just as well follow your own attitudes -- must have
+carried me.
+ -- Hannah Tillich, "From Time to Time"
+%
+It does not do to leave a live dragon out of your calculations.
+%
+It does not matter if you fall down as long as you
+pick up something from the floor while you get up.
+%
+It doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you say you've
+done and what you're going to do.
+%
+It doesn't matter whether you win or lose -- until you lose.
+%
+It doesn't much signify whom one marries, for one is sure to find out
+next morning it was someone else.
+ -- Rogers
+%
+It follows that any commander in chief who undertakes to carry out a plan
+which he considers defective is at fault; he must put forth his reasons,
+insist of the plan being changed, and finally tender his resignation rather
+than be the instrument of his army's downfall.
+ -- Napoleon, "Military Maxims and Thought"
+%
+It gets late early out there.
+ -- Yogi Berra
+%
+It got to the point where I had to get a haircut
+or both feet firmly planted in the air.
+%
+It hangs down from the chandelier
+Nobody knows quite what it does
+Its color is odd and its shape is weird
+It emits a high-sounding buzz
+
+It grows a couple of feet each day
+and wriggles with sort of a twitch
+Nobody bugs it 'cause it comes from
+a visiting uncle who's rich!
+ -- To "It Came Upon A Midnight Clear"
+%
+It happened long ago
+In the new magic land
+The Indians and the buffalo
+Existed hand in hand
+The Indians needed food
+They need skins for a roof
+The only took what they needed
+And the buffalo ran loose
+But then came the white man
+With his thick and empty head
+He couldn't see past his billfold
+He wanted all the buffalo dead
+It was sad, oh so sad.
+ -- Ted Nugent, "The Great White Buffalo"
+%
+It happened that a fire broke out backstage in a theater. The clown came
+out to inform the public. They thought it was just a jest and applauded.
+He repeated his warning, they shouted even louder. So I think the world
+will come to an end amid general applause from all the wits, who believe
+that it is a joke.
+%
+It has been justly observed by sages of all lands that although a man may be
+most happily married and continue in that state with the utmost contentment,
+it does not necessarily follow that he has therefore been struck stone-blind.
+ -- H. Warner Munn
+%
+It has been observed that one's nose is never so happy as when it
+is thrust into the affairs of another, from which some physiologists
+have drawn the inference that the nose is devoid of the sense of smell.
+ -- Ambrose Bierce
+%
+It has been said that man is a rational animal. All my life
+I have been searching for evidence which could support this.
+ -- Bertrand Russell
+%
+It has been said that Public Relations is the art of winning friends
+and getting people under the influence.
+ -- Jeremy Tunstall
+%
+It has just been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
+%
+It has long been an article of our folklore that too much knowledge or skill,
+or especially consummate expertise, is a bad thing. It dehumanizes those who
+achieve it, and makes difficult their commerce with just plain folks, in whom
+good old common sense has not been obliterated by mere book learning or fancy
+notions. This popular delusion flourishes now more than ever, for we are all
+infected with it in the schools, where educationists have elevated it from
+folklore to Article of Belief. It enhances their self-esteem and lightens
+their labors by providing theoretical justification for deciding that
+appreciation, or even simple awareness, is more to be prized than knowledge,
+and relating (to self and others), more than skill, in which minimum
+competence will be quite enough.
+ -- The Underground Grammarian
+%
+It has long been an axiom of mine that the little things are infinitely
+the most important.
+ -- Sherlock Holmes
+%
+It has long been an axiom of mine that the
+little things are infinitely the most important.
+ -- Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, "A Case of Identity"
+%
+It has long been known that birds will occasionally build nests in the
+manes of horses. The only known solution to this problem is to sprinkle
+baker's yeast in the mane, for, as we all know, yeast is yeast and nest
+is nest, and never the mane shall tweet.
+%
+It has long been known that one horse can run faster
+than another -- but which one? Differences are crucial.
+ -- Lazarus Long
+%
+It has long been noticed that juries are pitiless for robbery and full of
+indulgence for infanticide. A question of interest, my dear Sir! The jury
+is afraid of being robbed and has passed the age when it could be a victim
+of infanticide.
+ -- Edmond About
+%
+It is a hard matter, my fellow citizens,
+to argue with the belly, since it has no ears.
+ -- Marcus Porcius Cato
+%
+It is a lesson which all history teaches
+wise men, to put trust in ideas, and not in circumstances.
+ -- Emerson
+%
+It is a poor judge who cannot award a prize.
+%
+It is a profitable thing, if one is wise, to seem foolish.
+ -- Aeschylus
+%
+It is a sobering thought that when Mozart was
+my age, he had been dead for 2 years.
+ -- Tom Lehrer
+%
+It is a very humbling experience to make a multimillion-dollar mistake, but
+it is also very memorable. I vividly recall the night we decided how to
+organize the actual writing of external specifications for OS/360. The
+manager of architecture, the manager of control program implementation, and
+I were threshing out the plan, schedule, and division of responsibilities.
+ The architecture manager had 10 good men. He asserted that they
+could write the specifications and do it right. It would take ten months,
+three more than the schedule allowed.
+ The control program manager had 150 men. He asserted that they
+could prepare the specifications, with the architecture team coordinating;
+it would be well-done and practical, and he could do it on schedule.
+Futhermore, if the architecture team did it, his 150 men would sit twiddling
+their thumbs for ten months.
+ To this the architecture manager responded that if I gave the control
+program team the responsibility, the result would not in fact be on time,
+but would also be three months late, and of much lower quality. I did, and
+it was. He was right on both counts. Moreover, the lack of conceptual
+integrity made the system far more costly to build and change, and I would
+estimate that it added a year to debugging time.
+ -- Frederick Brooks Jr., "The Mythical Man Month"
+%
+It is a wise father that knows his own child.
+ -- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice"
+%
+It is against the grain of modern education to teach children to program.
+What fun is there in making plans, acquiring discipline in organizing
+thoughts, devoting attention to detail, and learning to be self-critical?
+ -- Alan Perlis
+%
+It is all right to hold a conversation,
+but you should let go of it now and then.
+ -- Richard Armour
+%
+It is always the best policy to speak the truth,
+unless of course you are an exceptionally good liar.
+ -- Jerome K. Jerome
+%
+It is always the best policy to tell the truth, unless, of course,
+you are an exceptionally good liar.
+ -- Jerome K. Jerome
+%
+It is amazing how complete is the delusion that beauty is goodness.
+%
+It is annoying to be honest to no purpose.
+ -- Publius Ovidius Naso (Ovid)
+%
+It is bad luck to be superstitious.
+ -- Andrew W. Mathis
+%
+[It is] best to confuse only one issue at a time.
+ -- K&R
+%
+It is better to be bow-legged than no-legged.
+%
+It is better to be on penicillin, than never to have loved at all.
+%
+It is better to burn out than it is to rust.
+%
+It is better to die on your feet than to live on your knees.
+%
+It is better to give than to lend, and it costs about the same.
+%
+It is better to have loved a short man than never to have loved a tall.
+%
+It is better to have loved and lost -- much better.
+%
+It is better to have loved and lost than just to have lost.
+%
+It is better to kiss an avocado than to get in a fight with an aardvark.
+%
+It is better to live rich than to die rich.
+ -- Samuel Johnson
+%
+It is better to remain childless than to father an orphan.
+%
+It is better to travel hopefully than to fly Continental.
+%
+It is better to wear chains than to believe you are free,
+and weight yourself down with invisible chains.
+%
+It is better to wear out than to rust out.
+%
+It is by the fortune of God that, in this country, we have three benefits:
+freedom of speech, freedom of thought, and the wisdom never to use either.
+ -- Mark Twain
+%
+It is common sense to take a method and try it. If it fails,
+admit it frankly and try another. But above all, try something.
+ -- Franklin D. Roosevelt
+%
+It is contrary to reasoning to say that there
+is a vacuum or space in which there is absolutely nothing.
+ -- Descartes
+%
+It is convenient that there be gods, and,
+as it is convenient, let us believe there are.
+ -- Publius Ovidius Naso (Ovid)
+%
+It is dangerous for a national candidate to say things that people might
+remember.
+ -- Eugene McCarthy
+%
+It is difficult to legislate morality in the absence of moral legislators.
+%
+It is difficult to produce a television documentary that is both incisive
+and probing when every twelve minutes one is interrupted by twelve dancing
+rabbits singing about toilet paper.
+ -- R. Serling
+%
+It is difficult to soar with the eagles when you work with turkeys.
+%
+It is easier for a camel to pass through the
+eye of a needle if it is lightly greased.
+ -- Kehlog Albran
+%
+It is easier to be a "humanitarian" than to render your own country its
+proper due; it is easier to be a "patriot" than to make your community a
+better place to live in; it is easier to be a "civic leader" than to treat
+your own family with loving understanding; for the smaller the focus of
+attention, the harder the task.
+ -- Sydney J. Harris
+%
+It is easier to change the specification to fit the program than vice versa.
+%
+It is easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them.
+ -- Alfred Adler
+%
+It is easier to make a saint out of a libertine than out of a prig.
+ -- George Santayana
+%
+It is easier to resist at the beginning than at the end.
+ -- Leonardo da Vinci
+%
+It is easier to run down a hill than up one.
+%
+It is easier to write an incorrect program than understand a correct one.
+%
+It is easy when we are in prosperity to give advice to the afflicted.
+ -- Aeschylus
+%
+It is enough to make one sympathize with a tyrant for the determination
+of his courtiers to deceive him for their own personal ends...
+ -- Russell Baker and Charles Peters
+%
+It is equally bad when one speeds on the guest unwilling to go, and when he
+holds back one who is hastening. Rather one should befriend the guest who
+is there, but speed him when he wishes.
+ -- Homer, "The Odyssey"
+
+ [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
+ referring to scheduling.]
+%
+It is exactly because a man cannot do a
+thing that he is a proper judge of it.
+ -- Oscar Wilde
+%
+It is explained that all relationships require a little give and take. This
+is untrue. Any partnership demands that we give and give and give and at the
+last, as we flop into our graves exhausted, we are told that we didn't give
+enough.
+ -- Quentin Crisp, "How to Become a Virgin"
+%
+It is far better to be deceived than to be undeceived by those we love.
+%
+It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities
+without your help.
+ -- Miss Manners
+%
+It is Fortune, not Wisdom, that rules man's life.
+%
+It is fruitless:
+ to become lacrymose over precipitately departed lactate fluid.
+
+ to attempt to indoctrinate a superannuated canine with
+ innovative maneuvers.
+%
+It is generally agreed that "Hello" is an appropriate greeting because
+if you entered a room and said "Goodbye," it could confuse a lot of people.
+ -- Dolph Sharp, "I'm O.K., You're Not So Hot"
+%
+It is idle to attempt to talk a young woman out of her passion:
+love does not lie in the ear.
+ -- Walpole
+%
+It is imperative when flying coach that you restrain any tendency toward
+the vividly imaginative. For although it may momentarily appear to be the
+case, it is not at all likely that the cabin is entirely inhabited by
+crying babies smoking inexpensive domestic cigars.
+ -- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies"
+%
+It is impossible for an optimist to be pleasantly surprised.
+%
+It is impossible to defend perfectly
+against the attack of those who want to die.
+%
+It is impossible to enjoy idling thoroughly
+unless one has plenty of work to do.
+ -- Jerome Klapka Jerome
+%
+It is impossible to enjoy idling unless there is plenty of work to do.
+ -- Jerome K. Jerome
+%
+It is impossible to make anything
+foolproof because fools are so ingenious.
+%
+It is impossible to travel faster than light, and
+certainly not desirable, as one's hat keeps blowing off.
+ -- Woody Allen
+%
+IT IS IN PROCESS:
+ So wrapped up in red tape that the situation is almost hopeless.
+%
+It is indeed desirable to be well descended,
+but the glory belongs to our ancestors.
+ -- Plutarch
+%
+It is like saying that for the cause of peace,
+God and the Devil will have a high-level meeting.
+ -- Rev. Carl McIntire, on Nixon's China trip
+%
+It is most dangerous nowadays for a husband to pay any attention to his
+wife in public. It always makes people think that he beats her when
+they're alone. The world has grown so suspicious of anything that looks
+like a happy married life.
+ -- Oscar Wilde
+%
+It is much easier to be critical than to be correct.
+ -- Benjamin Disraeli
+%
+It is much easier to suggest solutions
+when you know nothing about the problem.
+%
+It is much harder to find a job than to keep one.
+%
+It is necessary for the welfare of society that genius should be privileged
+to utter sedition, to blaspheme, to outrage good taste, to corrupt the
+youthful mind, and generally to scandalize one's uncles.
+ -- George Bernard Shaw
+%
+It is no wonder that people are so horrible when they start life as children.
+ -- Kingsley Amis
+%
+It is not a good omen when goldfish commit suicide.
+%
+It is not doing the thing we like to do, but liking the thing we have to do,
+that makes life blessed.
+ -- Goethe
+%
+It is not enough that I should succeed. Others must fail.
+ -- Ray Kroc, Founder of McDonald's
+ [Also attributed to David Merrick. Ed.]
+
+It is not enough to succeed. Others must fail.
+ -- Gore Vidal
+ [Great minds think alike? Ed.]
+%
+It is not enough to have a good mind.
+The main thing is to use it well.
+ -- Rene Descartes
+%
+It is not enough to have great qualities,
+we should also have the management of them.
+ -- La Rochefoucauld
+%
+It is not every question that deserves an answer.
+ -- Publilius Syrus
+%
+It is not for me to attempt to fathom the
+inscrutable workings of Providence.
+ -- The Earl of Birkenhead
+%
+It is not good for a man to be without knowledge,
+and he who makes haste with his feet misses his way.
+ -- Proverbs 19:2
+%
+It is not necessary to inquire whether a woman would like something for
+dessert. The answer is yes, she would like something for dessert, but
+she would like you to order it so she can pick at it with your fork. She
+does not want you to call attention to this by saying, 'If you wanted a
+dessert, why didn't you order one?' You must understand, she has the
+dessert she wants. The dessert she wants is contained within yours.
+ -- Merrill Marcoe, "An Insider's Guide to the American Woman"
+%
+It is not that polar co-ordinates are complicated, it is simply
+that cartesian co-ordinates are simpler than they have a right to be.
+ -- Kleppner & Kolenhow, "An Introduction to Mechanics"
+%
+It is not the critic who counts, or how the strong man stumbled, or whether
+the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the
+man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and
+blood, who strives valiantly, who errs and comes short again and again; who
+knows the great enthusiasm, the great devotion, and who spends himself in a
+worthy cause, and if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that
+he'll never be with those cold and timid souls who never know either victory
+or defeat.
+ -- Teddy Roosevelt
+%
+It is not true that life is one damn thing after
+another -- it's one damn thing over and over.
+ -- Edna St. Vincent Millay
+%
+It is November first 1940; in the famous sound stage of THE WIZARD OF OZ on
+the MGM lot, a little man is lying face-up on the yellow brick road. His
+wide eyes stare upward into the blinding stage lights. He is wearing a
+kind of comic soldier's uniform with a yellow coat and puffy sleeves and
+big fez-like blue and yellow hat with a feather on top. His yellow hair
+and beard are the phony straw color of Hollywood. He could pass for some
+kind of cute in the typical tinsel-town way if it wasn't for the knife
+sticking out of his chest. *Someone had murdered a Munchkin.*
+ -- Stuart Kaminsky, "Murder on the Yellow Brick Road"
+%
+It is now 10 p.m. Do you know where Henry Kissinger is?
+ -- Elizabeth Carpenter
+%
+It is now pitch dark. If you proceed, you will likely fall into a pit.
+%
+It is now quite lawful for a Catholic woman to avoid pregnancy by a resort
+to mathematics, though she is still forbidden to resort to physics and
+chemistry.
+ -- H.L. Mencken
+%
+It is often easier to ask for forgiveness than to ask for permission.
+ -- Grace Murray Hopper
+%
+It is one thing to praise discipline, and another to submit to it.
+ -- Cervantes
+%
+It is only by risking our persons from one hour to another that we live
+at all. And often enough our faith beforehand in an uncertified result
+is the only thing that makes the result come true.
+ -- William James
+%
+It is only with the heart one can see clearly;
+what is essential is invisible to the eye.
+ -- The Fox, 'The Little Prince"
+%
+It is possible by ingenuity and at the expense of clarity... {to do almost
+anything in any language}. However, the fact that it is possible to push
+a pea up a mountain with your nose does not mean that this is a sensible
+way of getting it there. Each of these techniques of language extension
+should be used in its proper place.
+ -- Christopher Strachey
+%
+It is possible that blondes also prefer gentlemen.
+ -- Maimie Van Doren
+%
+It is practically impossible to teach good programming to students that
+have had a prior exposure to BASIC: as potential programmers they are
+mentally mutilated beyond hope of regeneration.
+ -- Edsger W. Dijkstra, SIGPLAN Notices, Volume 17, Number 5
+%
+It is ridiculous to call this an industry. This is not. This is rat eat
+rat, dog eat dog. I'll kill 'em, and I'm going to kill 'em before they
+kill me. You're talking about the American way of survival of the fittest.
+ -- Ray Kroc, founder of McDonald's
+%
+It is right that he too should have his little chronicle, his memories,
+his reason, and be able to recognize the good in the bad, the bad in the
+worst, and so grow gently old all down the unchanging days and die one
+day like any other day, only shorter.
+ -- Samuel Beckett, "Malone Dies"
+%
+It is said an Eastern monarch once charged his wise men to invent him a
+sentence to be ever in view, and which should be true and appropriate
+in all times and situations. They presented him the words: "And this,
+too, shall pass away."
+ -- A. Lincoln
+%
+It is said that the lonely eagle flies to the mountain peaks while the
+lowly ant crawls the ground, but cannot the soul of the ant soar as
+high as the eagle?
+%
+It is so soon that I am done for, I wonder what I was begun for.
+ -- Epitaph, Cheltenham Churchyard
+%
+It is so stupid of modern civilisation to have given up believing in the
+devil when he is the only explanation of it.
+ -- Ronald Knox, "Let Dons Delight"
+%
+It is so very hard to be an on-your-own-take-care-of-
+yourself-because-there-is-no-one-else-to-do-it-for-you grown up.
+%
+It is something to be able to paint a particular picture, or to carve a
+statue, and so to make a few objects beautiful; but it is far more glorious
+to carve and paint the very atmosphere and medium through which we look,
+which morally we can do. To affect the quality of the day, that is the
+highest of arts. Every man is tasked to make his life, even in its details,
+worthy of the contemplation of his most elevated and critical hour.
+ -- Henry David Thoreau, "Where I Live"
+%
+It is sweet to let the mind unbend on occasion.
+ -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)
+%
+It is the business of little minds to shrink.
+ -- Carl Sandburg
+%
+It is the business of the future to be dangerous.
+ -- Hawkwind
+%
+It is the nature of extreme self-lovers, as they will
+set an house on fire, and it were but to roast their eggs.
+ -- Francis Bacon
+%
+It is the quality rather than the quantity that matters.
+ -- Lucius Annaeus Seneca
+%
+It is the wisdom of crocodiles, that shed tears when they would devour.
+ -- Francis Bacon
+%
+It is the wise bird who builds his nest in a tree.
+%
+It is through symbols that man consciously or unconsciously
+lives, works and has his being.
+ -- Thomas Carlyle
+%
+It is true that if your paperboy throws your paper into the bushes for five
+straight days it can be explained by Newton's Law of Gravity. But it takes
+Murphy's law to explain why it is happening to you.
+%
+It is up to us to produce better-quality movies.
+ -- Lloyd Kaufman,
+ producer of "Stuff Stephanie in the Incinerator"
+%
+It is very vulgar to talk like a dentist when one isn't a dentist.
+It produces a false impression.
+ -- Oscar Wilde.
+%
+It is when I struggle to be brief that I become obscure.
+ -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)
+%
+It is wise to keep in mind that neither success nor failure is ever final.
+ -- Roger Babson
+%
+It is your concern when your neighbor's wall is on fire.
+ -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)
+%
+It isn't easy being a Friday kind of person in a Monday kind of world.
+%
+It isn't easy being green.
+ -- Kermit the Frog
+%
+It isn't easy being the parent of a six-year-old. However, it's a pretty
+small price to pay for having somebody around the house who understands
+computers.
+%
+It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be
+unhappy.
+ -- Groucho Marx
+%
+It isn't whether you win or lose, it's how much money you end up with.
+ -- Jack T. Shakespeare
+%
+It just doesn't seem right to go over the river and through the woods
+to Grandmother's condo.
+%
+It looked like something resembling white marble, which was
+probably what it was: something resembling white marble.
+ -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy"
+%
+It looks like blind screaming hedonism won out.
+%
+It looks like it's up to me to save our skins.
+Get into that garbage chute, flyboy!
+ -- Princess Leia Organa
+%
+IT MAKES ME MAD when I go to all the trouble of having Marta cook up about
+a hundred drumsticks, then the guy at Marineland says, "You can't throw
+that chicken to the dolphins. They eat fish."
+
+Sure they eat fish if that's all you give them! Man, wise up.
+ -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
+%
+It [marriage] happens as with cages: the birds without despair
+to get in, and those within despair of getting out.
+ -- Michel Eyquem de Montaigne
+%
+It matters not whether you win or lose; what matters is whether *I* win
+or lose.
+ -- Darrin Weinberg
+%
+It may be better to be a live jackal than a dead lion, but it is
+better still to be a live lion. And usually easier.
+ -- Lazarus Long
+%
+It may be that your whole purpose in life
+is simply to serve as a warning to others.
+%
+It may or may not be worthwhile, but it still has to be done.
+%
+It must be remembered that there is nothing more difficult to plan, more
+doubtful of success, nor more dangerous to manage, than the creation of
+a new system. For the initiator has the emnity of all who would profit
+by the preservation of the old institutions and merely lukewarm defenders
+in those who would gain by the new ones.
+ -- Niccolo Machiavelli, 1513
+%
+It must have been some unmarried fool that said "A child can ask questions
+that a wise man cannot answer"; because, in any decent house, a brat that
+starts asking questions is promptly packed off to bed.
+ -- Arthur Binstead
+%
+It now costs more to amuse a child than it once did to educate his father.
+%
+It occurred to me lately that nothing has occurred to me lately.
+%
+It pays in England to be a revolutionary and a bible-smacker most of
+one's life and then come round.
+ -- Lord Alfred Douglas
+%
+It pays to be obvious, especially if you have a reputation for subtlety.
+%
+It proves what they say, give the public what they want to see and
+they'll come out for it.
+ -- Red Skelton, surveying the funeral of Hollywood mogul
+ Harry Cohn
+%
+It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones
+slept better... while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much
+more.
+ -- Woody Allen, "Side Effects"
+%
+It seems a little silly now, but this country
+was founded as a protest against taxation.
+%
+It seems appropriate to me that Mapplethorpe's perverse images should
+be situated so close to Congress, which perpetuates a number of
+unnatural acts upon the body politic every day, without benefit of
+artificial lubrication or foreplay.
+ -- Pat Calafia's review of Camille Paglia's
+ "Sex, Art and American Culture"
+%
+It seems intuitively obvious to me, which means that it might be wrong.
+ -- Chris Torek
+%
+It seems that more and more mathematicians are using a new, high level
+language named "research student".
+%
+It seems to make an auto driver mad if he misses you.
+%
+It seems to me that nearly every woman I know wants a man who knows how
+to love with authority. Women are simple souls who like simple things,
+and one of the simplest is one of the simplest to give. ... Our family
+airedale will come clear across the yard for one pat on the head. The
+average wife is like that.
+ -- Episcopal Bishop James Pike
+%
+It takes a smart husband to have the last word and not use it.
+%
+It takes a special kind of courage to face what we all have to face.
+%
+It takes all kinds to fill the freeways.
+ -- Crazy Charlie
+%
+It takes both a weapon, and two people, to commit a murder.
+%
+It takes less time to do a thing right
+than it does to explain why you did it wrong.
+ -- H.W. Longfellow
+%
+It takes two to tell the truth: one to speak and one to hear.
+%
+It took a while to surface, but it appears that a long-distance credit card
+may have saved a U.S. Army unit from heavy casualties during the Grenada
+military rescue/invasion. Major General David Nichols, Air Force ... said
+the Army unit was in a house surrounded by Cuban forces. One soldier found
+a telephone and, using his credit card, called Ft. Bragg, N.C., telling Army
+officiers there of the perilous situation. The officers in turn called the
+Air Force, which sent in gunships to scatter the Cubans and relieve the unit.
+ -- Aviation Week and Space Technology
+%
+It took me fifteen years to discover that I had no talent for writing,
+but I couldn't give it up because by that time I was too famous.
+ -- Robert Benchley
+%
+It turned out that the worm exploited three or four different holes in the
+system. From this, and the fact that we were able to capture and examine
+some of the source code, we realized that we were dealing with someone very
+sharp, probably not someone here on campus.
+ -- Dr. Richard LeBlanc, associate professor of ICS, in
+ Georgia Tech's campus newspaper after the Internet worm.
+%
+It used to be the fun was in
+The capture and kill.
+In another place and time
+I did it all for thrills.
+ -- Lust to Love
+%
+It usually takes more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech.
+ -- Mark Twain
+%
+It was a book to kill time for those who liked it better dead.
+%
+It was a brave man that ate the first oyster.
+%
+It was a fine, sweet night, the nicest since my divorce, maybe the nicest
+since the middle of my marriage. There was energy, softness, grace and
+laughter. I even took my socks off. In my circle, that means class.
+ -- Andrew Bergman "The Big Kiss-off of 1944"
+%
+It was a Roman who said it was sweet to die for one's country. The Greeks
+never said it was sweet to die for anything. They had no vital lies.
+ -- Edith Hamilton, "The Greek Way"
+%
+It was all so different before everything changed.
+%
+It was kinda like stuffing the wrong card in a computer,
+when you're stickin' those artificial stimulants in your arm.
+ -- Dion, noted computer scientist
+%
+It was one of those perfect summer days -- the sun was shining, a breeze
+was blowing, the birds were singing, and the lawn mower was broken ...
+ --- James Dent
+%
+It was one time too many
+One word too few
+It was all too much for me and you
+There was one way to go
+Nothing more we could do
+One time too many
+One word too few
+ -- Meredith Tanner
+%
+It was Penguin lust... at its ugliest.
+%
+It was pity stayed his hand. "Pity I don't have any more bullets,"
+thought Frito.
+ -- Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings"
+%
+It was pleasant to me to get a letter from you the other day. Perhaps
+I should have found it pleasanter if I had been able to decipher it. I
+don't think that I mastered anything beyond the date (which I knew) and
+the signature (which I guessed at). There's a singular and a perpetual
+charm in a letter of yours; it never grows old, it never loses its
+novelty. Other letters are read and thrown away and forgotten, but
+yours are kept forever -- unread. One of them will last a reasonable
+man a lifetime.
+ -- Thomas Aldrich
+%
+It was raining heavily, and the motorist had car trouble on a lonely country
+road. Anxious to find shelter for the night, he walked over to a farmhouse
+and knocked on the front door. No one responded. He could feel the water
+from the roof running down the back of his neck as he stood on the stoop.
+The next time he knocked louder, but still no answer. By now he was soaked
+to the skin. Desperately he pounded on the door. At last the head of a
+man appeared out of an upstairs window.
+ "What do you want?" he asked gruffly.
+ "My car broke down," said the traveler, "and I want to know if you
+would let me stay here for the night."
+ "Sure," replied the man. "If you want to stay there all night, it's
+okay with me."
+%
+It was the Law of the Sea, they said. Civilization ends at the waterline.
+Beyond that, we all enter the food chain, and not always right at the top.
+ -- Hunter S. Thompson
+%
+It was wonderful to find America, but it
+would have been more wonderful to miss it.
+ -- Mark Twain
+%
+It wasn't exactly a divorce -- I was traded.
+ -- Tim Conway
+%
+It wasn't that she had a rose in her teeth, exactly.
+It was more like the rose and the teeth were in the same glass.
+%
+It would be nice to be sure of anything
+the way some people are of everything.
+%
+It would save me a lot of time if you just gave up and went mad now.
+%
+italic, adj:
+ Slanted to the right to emphasize key phrases. Unique to
+ Western alphabets; in Eastern languages, the same phrases
+ are often slanted to the left.
+%
+It'll be a nice world if they ever get it finished.
+%
+It'll be just like Beggars Canyon back home.
+ -- Luke Skywalker
+%
+It's a .88 magnum -- it goes through schools.
+ -- Danny Vermin
+%
+It's a brave man who, when things are at their darkest, can kick back
+and party!
+ -- Dennis Quaid, "Inner Space"
+%
+It's a damn poor mind that can only think of one way to spell a word.
+ -- Andrew Jackson
+%
+It's a dog-eat-dog world out there, and I'm wearing Milkbone underware.
+ -- Cheers
+%
+It's a naive, domestic operating system without any
+breeding, but I think you'll be amused by its presumption.
+%
+It's a poor workman who blames his tools.
+%
+It's a recession when your neighbour loses his job; it's a depression
+when you lose yours.
+ -- Harry S. Truman
+%
+It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
+ -- Steven Wright
+%
+It's all in the mind, ya know.
+%
+It's all right letting yourself go as long as you can let yourself back.
+ -- Mick Jagger
+%
+"It's all so painfully empty and lonesome... I don't think I can stand
+any more of it... the whole dreadful way we are born, die, and are
+never missed. The fact there is *nobody*... nobody really... We come
+out of a yawning tomb of flesh and sink back finally into another tomb.
+What is the point of it all? Who thought up this sickening circle of
+flesh and blood? We come into the world bleeding and cut and our bones
+half-crushed only to emerge and suffer more torment, multilation, and
+then at the last lie down in some hole in the ground forever. Who could
+have thought it up, I wonder?"
+ -- James Purdy
+%
+It's always darkest just before the lights go out.
+ -- Alex Clark
+%
+It's amazing how many people you could be friends
+with if only they'd make the first approach.
+%
+It's amazing how much better you feel once you've given up hope.
+%
+It's amazing how much "mature wisdom" resembles being too tired.
+%
+It's amazing how nice people are to you when they know you're going away.
+ -- Michael Arlen
+%
+It's bad enough that life is a rat-race,
+but why do the rats always have to win?
+%
+It's better to be quotable than to be honest.
+ -- Tom Stoppard
+%
+It's better to be wanted for murder that not to be wanted at all.
+ -- Marty Winch
+%
+It's better to burn out than it is to rust.
+%
+It's better to burn out than to fade away.
+%
+It's better to have loved and lost -- much better.
+%
+It's business doing pleasure with you.
+%
+It's clever, but is it art?
+%
+It's difficult to see the picture when you are inside the frame.
+%
+"It's easier said than done."
+
+... and if you don't believe it, try proving that it's easier done than
+said, and you'll see that "it's easier said that `it's easier done than
+said' than it is done", which really proves that "it's easier said than
+done".
+%
+It's easier to be a liberal a long way from home.
+ -- Don Price
+%
+It's easier to get forgiveness for being
+wrong than forgiveness for being right.
+%
+It's easier to take it apart than to put it back together.
+ -- Washlesky
+%
+It's easy to forgive someone for being wrong;
+it's much harder to forgive them for being right.
+%
+It's easy to make a friend. What's hard is to make a stranger.
+%
+It's fabulous! We haven't seen anything like it in the last half an hour!
+ -- Macy's
+%
+Its failings notwithstanding, there is much to be said in favor of journalism
+in that by giving us the opinion of the uneducated, it keeps us in touch with
+the ignorance of the community.
+ -- Oscar Wilde
+%
+It's faster horses,
+Younger women,
+Older whiskey and
+More money.
+ -- Tom T. Hall, "The Secret of Life"
+%
+It's from Casablanca. I've been waiting all my life to use that line.
+ -- Woody Allen, "Play It Again, Sam"
+%
+It's getting uncommonly easy to kill people in large numbers, and the
+first thing a principle does -- if it really is a principle -- is to
+kill somebody.
+ -- Dorothy Sayers
+%
+It's gonna be alright,
+It's almost midnight,
+And I've got two more bottles of wine.
+%
+It's hard not to like a man of many qualities,
+even if most of them are bad.
+%
+It's hard to argue that God hated Oklahoma.
+If He didn't, why is it so close to Texas?
+%
+It's hard to be humble when you're perfect.
+%
+It's hard to drive at the limit, but
+it's harder to know where the limits are.
+ -- Stirling Moss
+%
+It's hard to get ivory in Africa, but in Alabama the Tuscaloosa.
+ -- Groucho Marx
+%
+It's hard to keep your shirt on when
+you're getting something off your chest.
+%
+It's hard to outrun dead people because they don't have to breathe.
+ -- Hokey, describing "Night of the Living Dead"
+%
+It's hard to think of you as the end
+result of millions of years of evolution.
+%
+It's important that people know what you stand for.
+It's more important that they know what you won't stand for.
+%
+It's interesting to think that many quite
+distinguished people have bodies similar to yours.
+%
+It's is not, it isn't ain't, and it's it's, not its, if you mean it is.
+If you don't, it's its. Then too, it's hers. It isn't her's. It isn't
+our's either. It's ours, and likewise yours and theirs.
+ -- Oxford University Press, "Edpress News"
+%
+It's just apartment house rules,
+So all you 'partment house fools
+Remember: one man's ceiling is another man's floor.
+One man's ceiling is another man's floor.
+ -- Paul Simon, "One Man's Ceiling Is Another Man's Floor"
+%
+It's later than you think.
+%
+It's later than you think, the joint
+Russian-American space mission has already begun.
+%
+It's like deja vu all over again.
+ -- Yogi Berra
+%
+It's Like This
+
+Even the samurai
+have teddy bears,
+and even the teddy bears
+get drunk.
+%
+It's lucky you're going so slowly, because
+you're going in the wrong direction.
+%
+It's multiple choice time...
+
+ What is FORTRAN?
+
+ a: Between thre and fiv tran.
+ b: What two computers engage in before they interface.
+ c: Ridiculous.
+%
+Its name is Public Opinion. It is held in reverence.
+It settles everything. Some think it is the voice of God.
+ -- Mark Twain
+%
+It's never too late to have a happy childhood.
+%
+It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding
+a sickness you like.
+ -- Jackie Mason
+%
+It's no use crying over spilt milk -- it only makes it salty for the cat.
+%
+It's not against any religion to want to dispose of a pigeon.
+ -- Tom Lehrer
+%
+It's not an optical illusion, it just looks like one.
+ -- Phil White
+%
+It's not Camelot, but it's not Cleveland, either.
+ -- Kevin White, Mayor of Boston
+%
+It's not easy being green.
+ -- Kermit
+%
+It's not enough to be Hungarian; you must have talent too.
+ -- Alexander Korda
+%
+It's not hard to admit errors that are [only] cosmetically wrong.
+ -- J.K. Galbraith
+%
+It's not reality that's important, but how you perceive things.
+%
+It's not that I'm afraid to die.
+I just don't want to be there when it happens.
+ -- Woody Allen
+%
+It's not the fall that kills you, it's the landing.
+%
+It's not the men in my life, but the life in my men that counts.
+ -- Mae West
+%
+It's not whether you win or lose but how you look playing the game.
+%
+It's not whether you win or lose but how you played the game.
+ -- Grantland Rice
+%
+It's not whether you win or lose, it's how you look playing the game.
+%
+It's not whether you win or lose, it's how you place the blame.
+%
+It's odd, and a little unsettling, to reflect upon the fact that English is
+the only major language in which "I" is capitalized; in many other languages
+"You" is capitalized and the "i" is lower case.
+ -- Sydney J. Harris
+%
+It's only by NOT taking the human race seriously that I retain
+what fragments of my once considerable mental powers I still possess.
+ -- Roger Noe
+%
+It's our fault. We should have given him better parts.
+ -- Jack Warner, on hearing that Reagan had been
+ elected governor of California.
+
+[Warner is also reported to have said, when told of Reagan's candidacy
+for governor, "No, Jimmy Stewart for Governor; Reagan for best friend."]
+%
+It's possible that the whole purpose of your life is to serve
+as a warning to others.
+%
+It's pretty hard to tell what does bring happiness;
+poverty and wealth have both failed.
+ -- Kim Hubbard
+%
+It's really quite a simple choice: Life, Death, or Los Angeles.
+%
+It's reassuring to know that if you behave strangely enough,
+society will take full responsibility for you.
+%
+It's recently come to Fortune's attention that scientists have stopped
+using laboratory rats in favor of attorneys. Seems that there are not
+only more of them, but you don't get so emotionally attached. The only
+difficulty is that it's sometimes difficult to apply the experimental
+results to humans.
+
+ [Also, there are some things even a rat won't do. Ed.]
+%
+It's so beautifully arranged on the plate -- you know someone's fingers
+have been all over it.
+ -- Julia Child on nouvelle cuisine.
+%
+It's so confusing choosing sides in the heat of the moment,
+ just to see if it's real,
+Oooh, it's so erotic having you tell me how it should feel,
+But I'm avoiding all the hard cold facts that I got to face,
+So ask me just one question when this magic night is through,
+Could it have been just anyone or did it have to be you?
+ -- Billy Joel, "Glass Houses"
+%
+It's so stupid of modern civilization to have given up believing in the
+Devil when he is the only explanation for it.
+%
+It's sweet to be remembered, but it's often cheaper to be forgotten.
+%
+It's ten o'clock; do you know where your processes are?
+%
+It's the good girls who keep the diaries, the bad girls never have the time.
+ -- Tallulah Bankhead
+%
+It's the opinion of some that crops could be grown on the moon. Which raises
+the fear that it may not be long before we're paying somebody not to.
+ -- Franklin P. Jones
+%
+It's the same old story; boy meets beer, boy drinks beer...
+boy gets another beer.
+ -- Cheers
+%
+"It's today!" said Piglet.
+"My favorite day," said Pooh.
+%
+It's useless to try to hold some people to anything they say while they're
+madly in love, drunk, or running for office.
+%
+It's very glamorous to raise millions of dollars, until it's time for the
+venture capitalist to suck your eyeballs out.
+ -- Peter Kennedy, chairman of Kraft & Kennedy.
+%
+It's very inconvenient to be mortal -- you never
+know when everything may suddenly stop happening.
+%
+IV. The time required for an object to fall twenty stories is greater than or
+ equal to the time it takes for whoever knocked it off the ledge to
+ spiral down twenty flights to attempt to capture it unbroken.
+ Such an object is inevitably priceless, the attempt to capture it
+ inevitably unsuccessful.
+ V. All principles of gravity are negated by fear.
+ Psychic forces are sufficient in most bodies for a shock to propel
+ them directly away from the earth's surface. A spooky noise or an
+ adversary's signature sound will induce motion upward, usually to
+ the cradle of a chandelier, a treetop, or the crest of a flagpole.
+ The feet of a character who is running or the wheels of a speeding
+ auto need never touch the ground, especially when in flight.
+VI. As speed increases, objects can be in several places at once.
+ This is particularly true of tooth-and-claw fights, in which a
+ character's head may be glimpsed emerging from the cloud of
+ altercation at several places simultaneously. This effect is common
+ as well among bodies that are spinning or being throttled. A "wacky"
+ character has the option of self-replication only at manic high
+ speeds and may ricochet off walls to achieve the velocity required.
+ -- Esquire, "O'Donnell's Laws of Cartoon Motion", June 1980
+%
+I've already told you more than I know.
+%
+I've always considered statesmen to be more expendable than soldiers.
+%
+I've always felt sorry for people that don't drink -- remember,
+when they wake up, that's as good as they're gonna feel all day!
+%
+I've always made it a solemn practice to never
+drink anything stronger than tequila before breakfast.
+ -- R. Nesson
+%
+I've been in more laps than a napkin.
+ -- Mae West
+%
+I've Been Moved!
+%
+I've been on a diet for two weeks and all I've lost is two weeks.
+ -- Totie Fields
+%
+I've been on this lonely road so long,
+Does anybody know where it goes,
+I remember last time the signs pointed home,
+A month ago.
+ -- Carpenters, "Road Ode"
+%
+I've been there.
+%
+I've built a better model than the one at Data General
+For data bases vegetable, animal, and mineral
+My OS handles CPUs with multiplexed duality;
+My PL/1 compiler shows impressive functionality.
+My storage system's better than magnetic core polarity,
+You never have to bother checking out a bit for parity;
+There isn't any reason to install non-static floor matting;
+My disk drive has capacity for variable formatting.
+
+I feel compelled to mention what I know to be a gloating point:
+There's lots of room in memory for variables floating-point,
+Which shows for input vegetable, animal, and mineral
+I've built a better model than the one at Data General.
+
+ -- Steve Levine, "A Computer Song", (To the tune of
+ "Modern Major General")
+%
+I've finally learned what "upward compatible" means.
+It means we get to keep all our old mistakes.
+ -- Dennie van Tassel
+%
+I've given up reading books; I find it takes my mind off myself.
+%
+I've got a very bad feeling about this.
+ -- Han Solo
+%
+I've got all the money I'll ever need if I die by 4 o'clock.
+ -- Henny Youngman
+%
+I've got some powdered water, but I don't know what to add.
+ -- Stephen Wright
+%
+I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.
+ -- Groucho Marx
+%
+I've had one child. My husband wants to have another.
+I'd like to watch him have another.
+%
+I've looked at the listing, and it's right!
+ -- Joel Halpern.
+%
+I've never been canoeing before, but I imagine there must
+be just a few simple heuristics you have to remember...
+
+Yes, don't fall out, and don't hit rocks.
+%
+I've never been drunk, but often I've been overserved.
+ -- George Gobel
+%
+I've never been hurt by anything I didn't say.
+ -- Calvin Coolidge
+%
+I've never had a problem with drugs; I've had problems with the police.
+ -- Keith Richards
+
+I never turn blue in anyone's bathroom. I think that's the height of
+bad taste.
+ -- Keith Richards
+%
+I've never struck a woman in my life, not even my own mother.
+ -- W.C. Fields
+%
+I've noticed several design suggestions in your code.
+%
+I've only got 12 cards.
+%
+I've spent almost all of my life with highly intelligent men. They're not
+like other men. Their spirit is great and stimulating. They hate strife;
+indeed they reject it. Their inventive gifts are boundless. They demand
+devotion and obedience. And a sense of humor. I happily gave all of this.
+I was lucky to be chosen and clever enough to understand them.
+ -- Marlene Dietrich, on her friendship with Ernest Hemingway
+%
+I've tried several varieties of sex. The conventional position makes
+me claustrophobic, and the others either give me a stiff neck or lockjaw.
+ -- Tallulah Bankhead
+%
+Jacquin's Postulate on Democratic Government:
+ No man's life, liberty, or property are safe while the
+ legislature is in session.
+%
+jake hates
+ all the girls(the
+shy ones, the bold paul scorns all
+ones; the meek the girls(the
+proud sloppy sleek) bright ones, the dim
+all except the cold ones; the slim
+ ones plump tiny tall)
+ all except the
+ dull ones
+gus loves all the
+ girls(the
+warped ones, the lamed mike likes all the girls
+ones; the mad (the
+moronic maimed) fat ones, the lean
+all except ones; the mean
+ the dead ones kind dirty clean)
+ all
+ except the green ones
+ -- e e cummings
+%
+James McNeill Whistler's (painter of "Whistler's Mother") failure in his
+West Point chemistry examination once provoked him to remark in later life,
+"If silicon had been a gas, I should have been a major general."
+%
+Jane and I got mixed up with a television show -- or as we call it back
+east here: TV -- a clever contraction derived from the words Terrible
+Vaudeville. However, it is our latest medium -- we call it a medium
+because nothing's well done. It was discovered, I suppose you've heard,
+by a man named Fulton Berle, and it has already revolutionized social
+grace by cutting down parlour conversation to two sentences: "What's on
+television?" and "Good night".
+ -- Goodman Ace, letter to Groucho Marx, in The Groucho
+ Letters, 1967
+%
+Japan, n:
+ A fictional place where elves, gnomes and economic imperialists
+ create electronic equipment and computers using black magic. It
+ is said that in the capital city of Akihabara, the streets are
+ paved with gold and semiconductor chips grow on low bushes from
+ which they are harvested by the happy natives.
+%
+Jealousy is all the fun you think they have.
+%
+Jenkinson's Law:
+ It won't work.
+%
+Jim, it's Grace at the bank. I checked your Christmas Club account.
+You don't have five-hundred dollars. You have fifty. Sorry, computer foul-up!
+%
+Jim, it's Jack. I'm at the airport. I'm going to Tokyo and wanna pay
+you the five-hundred I owe you. Catch you next year when I get back!
+%
+Jim Nasium's Law:
+ In a large locker room with hundreds of lockers, the few people
+ using the facility at any one time will all have lockers next to
+ each other so that everybody is cramped.
+%
+Jim, this is Janelle. I'm flying tonight, so I can't make our date, and
+I gotta find a safe place for Daffy. He loves you, Jim! It's only two
+days, and you'll see. Great Danes are no problem!
+%
+Jim, this is Matty down at Ralph's and Mark's. Some guy named Angel
+Martin just ran up a fifty buck bar tab. And now he wants to charge it
+to you. You gonna pay it?
+%
+JOB INTERVIEW:
+ The excruciating process during which personnel officers
+ separate the wheat from the chaff -- then hire the chaff.
+%
+job Placement, n:
+ Telling your boss what he can do with your job.
+%
+Joe Cool always spends the first two weeks at college sailing his frisbee.
+ -- Snoopy
+%
+Joe sat as his dying wife's bedside.
+Her voice was little more than a whisper.
+ "Joe, darling," she breathed, "I've got a confession to make
+before I go. I ... I'm the one who took the $10,000 from your safe...
+I spent it on a fling with your best friend, Charles. And it was I who
+forced your mistress to leave the city. And I am the one who reported
+your income-tax evasion to the I.R.S..."
+ "That's all right, dearest, don't give it a second thought,"
+whispered Joe. "I'm the one who poisoned you."
+%
+Joe's sister puts spaghetti in her shoes!
+%
+jogger, n:
+ An odd sort of person with a thing for pain.
+%
+John Dame May Oscar
+Was Gay Was Whitty Was Wilde
+But Gerard Hopkins But John Greenleaf But Thornton
+Was Manley Was Whittier Was Wilder
+ -- Willard Espy
+%
+John Birch Society:
+ That pathetic manifestation of organized apoplexy.
+ -- Edward P. Morgan
+%
+JOHN PAUL ELECTED POPE!!
+
+(George and Ringo miffed.)
+%
+John the Baptist after poisoning a thief,
+Looks up at his hero, the Commander-in-Chief,
+Saying tell me great leader, but please make it brief
+Is there a hole for me to get sick in?
+The Commander-in-Chief answers him while chasing a fly,
+Saying death to all those who would whimper and cry.
+And dropping a barbell he points to the sky,
+Saying the sun is not yellow, it's chicken.
+ -- Bob Dylan, "Tombstone Blues"
+%
+Johnny Carson's Definition:
+ The smallest interval of time known to man is that which occurs
+ in Manhattan between the traffic signal turning green and the
+ taxi driver behind you blowing his horn.
+%
+Johnson's First Law:
+ When any mechanical contrivance fails, it will do so at the
+ most inconvenient possible time.
+%
+Johnson's law:
+ Systems resemble the organizations that create them.
+%
+Join in the new game that's sweeping the country. It's called "Bureaucracy".
+Everybody stands in a circle. The first person to do anything loses.
+%
+Join the army, see the world, meet interesting,
+exciting people, and kill them.
+%
+Join the Navy; sail to far-off exotic lands,
+meet exciting interesting people, and kill them.
+%
+Jones' First Law:
+ Anyone who makes a significant contribution to any field of
+ endeavor, and stays in that field long enough, becomes an
+ obstruction to its progress -- in direct proportion to the
+ importance of their original contribution.
+%
+Jones' Second Law:
+ The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone
+ to blame it on.
+%
+Joshu: What is the true Way?
+Nansen: Every way is the true Way.
+J: Can I study it?
+N: The more you study, the further from the Way.
+J: If I don't study it, how can I know it?
+N: The Way does not belong to things seen: nor to things unseen.
+ It does not belong to things known: nor to things unknown. Do
+ not seek it, study it, or name it. To find yourself on it, open
+ yourself as wide as the sky.
+%
+Journalism is literature in a hurry.
+ -- Matthew Arnold
+%
+Journalism will kill you, but it will keep you alive while you're at it.
+%
+Juall's Law on Nice Guys:
+ Nice guys don't always finish last; sometimes they don't finish.
+ Sometimes they don't even get a chance to start!
+%
+Judges, as a class, display, in the matter of arranging alimony, that
+reckless generosity which is found only in men who are giving away
+someone else's cash.
+ -- P.G. Wodehouse, "Louder and Funnier"
+%
+Just a few of the perfect excuses for having some strawberry shortcake.
+Pick one.
+
+1: It's less calories than two pieces of strawberry shortcake.
+2: It's cheaper than going to France.
+3: It neutralizes the brownies I had yesterday.
+4: Life is short.
+5: It's somebody's birthday. I don't want them to celebrate alone.
+6: It matches my eyes.
+7: Whoever said, "Let them eat cake." must have been talking to me.
+8: To punish myself for eating dessert yesterday.
+9: Compensation for all the time I spend in the shower not eating.
+10: Strawberry shortcake is evil. I must help rid the world of it.
+11: I'm getting weak from eating all that healthy stuff.
+12: It's the second anniversary of the night I ate plain broccoli.
+%
+Just a song before I go, Going through security
+To whom it may concern, I held her for so long.
+Traveling twice the speed of sound She finally looked at me in love,
+It's easy to get burned. And she was gone.
+When the shows were over Just a song before I go,
+We had to get back home, A lesson to be learned.
+And when we opened up the door Traveling twice the speed of sound
+I had to be alone. It's easy to get burned.
+She helped me with my suitcase,
+She stands before my eyes,
+Driving me to the airport
+And to the friendly skies.
+ -- Crosby, Stills, Nash, "Just a Song Before I Go"
+%
+Just as I cannot remember any time when I could not read and write, I cannot
+remember any time when I did not exercise my imagination in daydreams about
+women.
+ -- G.B. Shaw
+%
+Just as most issues are seldom black or white, so are most good solutions
+seldom black or white. Beware of the solution that requires one side to be
+totally the loser and the other side to be totally the winner. The reason
+there are two sides to begin with usually is because neither side has all
+the facts. Therefore, when the wise mediator effects a compromise, he is
+not acting from political motivation. Rather, he is acting from a deep
+sense of respect for the whole truth.
+ -- Stephen R. Schwambach
+%
+Just because everything is different doesn't mean anything has changed.
+ -- Irene Peter
+%
+Just because he's dead is no reason to lay off work.
+%
+Just because I turn down a contract on a guy doesn't mean he isn't
+going to get hit.
+ -- Joey
+%
+Just because the message may never be
+received does not mean it is not worth sending.
+%
+Just because they are called 'forbidden' transitions does not mean that they
+are forbidden. They are less allowed than allowed transitions, if you see
+what I mean.
+ -- From a Part 2 Quantum Mechanics lecture.
+%
+Just because you like my stuff doesn't mean I owe you anything.
+ -- Bob Dylan
+%
+Just because your doctor has a name for your
+condition doesn't mean he knows what it is.
+%
+Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they AREN'T after you.
+%
+Just close your eyes, tap your heels together three times,
+and think to yourself, `There's no place like home.'
+ -- Glynda
+%
+Just give Alice some pencils and she will stay busy for hours.
+%
+Just how difficult it is to write biography can be reckoned by anybody
+who sits down and considers just how many people know the real truth
+about his or her love affairs.
+ -- Rebecca West
+%
+Just machines to make big decisions,
+Programmed by men for compassion and vision,
+We'll be clean when their work is done,
+We'll be eternally free, yes, eternally young,
+What a beautiful world this will be,
+What a glorious time to be free.
+ -- Donald Fagon, "What A Beautiful World"
+%
+Just once, I wish we would encounter
+an alien menace that wasn't immune to bullets.
+ -- The Brigader, "Dr. Who"
+%
+Just remember, wherever you go, there you are.
+ -- Buckeroo Banzai
+%
+`Just the place for a Snark!' the Bellman cried,
+ As he landed his crew with care;
+Supporting each man on the top of the tide
+ By a finger entwined in his hair.
+
+`Just the place for a Snark! I have said it twice:
+ That alone should encourage the crew.
+Just the place for a Snark! I have said it thrice:
+ What I tell you three times is true.'
+%
+Just to have it is enough.
+%
+Just weigh your own hurt against the hurt
+of all the others, and then do what's best.
+ -- Lovers and Other Strangers
+%
+Just what does "it" mean in the sentence, "What time is it?"
+%
+Just yesterday morning, they let me know you were gone,
+Suzanne, the plans they made put an end to you,
+I went out this morning and I wrote down this song,
+Just can't remember who to send it to...
+
+Oh, I've seen fire and I've seen rain,
+I've seen sunny days that I thought would never end,
+I've seen lonely times when I could not find a friend,
+But I always thought that I'd see you again.
+Thought I'd see you one more time again.
+ -- James Taylor, "Fire and Rain"
+%
+JUSTICE:
+ A decision in your favor.
+%
+Justice is incidental to law and order.
+ -- J. Edgar Hoover
+%
+Justice, n:
+ A decision in your favor.
+%
+Kafka's Law:
+ In the fight between you and the world, back the world.
+ -- Franz Kafka, "RS's 1974 Expectation of Days"
+%
+Kamikazes do it once.
+%
+KANSAS:
+ Where the men are men and so are the women!
+%
+Karlson's Theorem of Snack Food Packages:
+
+For all P, where P is a package of snack food, P is a SINGLE-SERVING
+package of snack food.
+
+Gibson the Cat's Corrolary:
+
+For all L, where L is a package of lunch meat, L is Gibson's package
+of lunch meat.
+%
+Kath: Can he be present at the birth of his child?
+Ed: It's all any reasonable child can expect if the dad is present
+ at the conception.
+ -- Joe Orton, "Entertaining Mr. Sloane"
+%
+Katz' Law:
+ Men and nations will act rationally when
+ all other possibilities have been exhausted.
+
+History teaches us that men and nations behave wisely once they have
+exhausted all other alternatives.
+ -- Abba Eban
+%
+Kaufman's First Law of Party Physics:
+ Population density is inversely proportional
+ to the square of the distance from the keg.
+%
+Kaufman's Law:
+ A policy is a restrictive document to prevent a recurrence
+ of a single incident, in which that incident is never mentioned.
+%
+Keep a diary and one day it'll keep you.
+ -- Mae West
+%
+Keep America beautiful. Swallow your beer cans.
+%
+Keep ancient lands, your storied pomp! cries she
+With silent lips. Give me your tired, your poor,
+Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free,
+The wretched refuse of your teeming shore.
+Send these, the homeless, tempest-tossed to me...
+ -- Emma Lazarus, "The New Colossus"
+%
+Keep cool, but don't freeze.
+ -- Hellman's Mayonnaise
+%
+Keep emotionally active. Cater to your favorite neurosis.
+%
+Keep grandma off the streets -- legalize bingo.
+%
+Keep in mind always the four constant Laws of Frisbee:
+ 1) The most powerful force in the world is that of a disc
+ straining to land under a car, just out of reach (this
+ force is technically termed "car suck").
+ 2) Never precede any maneuver by a comment more predictive
+ than "Watch this!"
+ 3) The probability of a Frisbee hitting something is directly
+ proportional to the cost of hitting it. For instance, a
+ Frisbee will always head directly towards a policeman or
+ a little old lady rather than the beat up Chevy.
+ 4) Your best throw happens when no one is watching; when the
+ cute girl you've been trying to impress is watching, the
+ Frisbee will invariably bounce out of your hand or hit you
+ in the head and knock you silly.
+%
+Keep it short for pithy sake.
+%
+Keep on keepin' on.
+%
+Keep patting your enemy on the back until a
+small bullet hole appears between your fingers.
+ -- Joe Bonanno
+%
+Keep the number of passes in a compiler to a minimum.
+ -- D. Gries
+%
+Keep the phase, baby.
+%
+Keep up the good work! But please don't ask me to help.
+%
+Keep women you cannot. Marry them and they come to hate the way
+you walk across the room; remain their lover, and they jilt you
+at the end of six months.
+ -- Moore
+%
+Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back.
+%
+Keep your Eye on the Ball,
+Your Shoulder to the Wheel,
+Your Nose to the Grindstone,
+Your Feet on the Ground,
+Your Head on your Shoulders.
+Now... try to get something DONE!
+%
+Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.
+ -- Benjamin Franklin
+%
+Keep your laws off my body!
+%
+Keep your mouth shut and people will think you stupid;
+Open it and you remove all doubt.
+%
+Kennedy's Market Theorem:
+ Given enough inside information and unlimited credit,
+ you've got to go broke.
+%
+Kent's Heuristic:
+ Look for it first where you'd most like to find it.
+%
+kern, v:
+ 1. To pack type together as tightly as the kernels on an ear
+ of corn. 2. In parts of Brooklyn and Queens, N.Y., a small,
+ metal object used as part of the monetary system.
+%
+KERNEL:
+ A part of an operating system that preserves the medieval
+ traditions of sorcery and black art.
+%
+Kettering's Observation:
+ Logic is an organized way of going wrong with confidence.
+%
+Kids always brighten up a house; mostly by leaving the lights on.
+%
+Kids have *never* taken guidance from their parents. If you could travel
+back in time and observe the original primate family in the original tree,
+you would see the primate parents yelling at the primate teenager for sitting
+around and sulking all day instead of hunting for grubs and berries like
+dad primate. Then you'd see the primate teenager stomp up to his branch
+and slam the leaves.
+ -- Dave Barry
+%
+Kill a commy for your mommy.
+%
+Kill 'em all, and let God sort 'em out.
+%
+Kill for the love of killing! Kill for the love of Kali!
+ -- Hindu saying
+%
+Kill Kill,
+Hate Hate,
+Murder, Maim, and Mutilate!
+%
+Kill your parents.
+ -- Jerry Rubin
+%
+Killing turkeys causes winter.
+%
+Kilroe hic erat!
+%
+Kime's Law for the Reward of Meekness:
+ Turning the other cheek merely ensures two bruised cheeks.
+%
+KIN:
+ An affliction of the blood.
+%
+Kindness is a language which the deaf can hear and the blind can read.
+ -- Mark Twain
+%
+Kindness is the beginning of cruelty.
+ -- Muad'dib
+%
+Kington's Law of Perforation:
+ If a straight line of holes is made in a piece of paper, such
+ as a sheet of stamps or a check, that line becomes the strongest
+ part of the paper.
+%
+Kinkler's First Law:
+ Responsibility always exceeds authority.
+
+Kinkler's Second Law:
+ All the easy problems have been solved.
+%
+Kirk to Enterprise...
+%
+Kirk to Enterprise -- beam down yeoman Rand and a six-pack.
+%
+Kiss a non-smoker; taste the difference.
+%
+Kiss me, Kate, we will be married o' Sunday.
+ -- William Shakespeare, "The Taming of the Shrew"
+%
+Kiss me twice. I'm schizophrenic.
+%
+Kiss your keyboard goodbye!
+%
+Kissing a fish is like smoking a bicycle.
+%
+Kissing a smoker is like licking an ashtray.
+%
+Kissing don't last, cookery do.
+ -- George Meredith
+%
+Kissing your hand may make you feel very good, but a diamond and
+sapphire bracelet lasts for ever.
+ -- Anita Loos, "Gentlemen Prefer Blondes"
+%
+Kitchen activity is highlighted.
+Butter up a friend.
+%
+Kites rise highest against the wind -- not with it.
+ -- Winston Churchill
+%
+Klatu barada nikto.
+%
+Kleeneness is next to Godelness.
+%
+Klein bottle for rent -- inquire within.
+%
+KLEPTOMANIAC:
+ A rich thief.
+%
+Kliban's First Law of Dining:
+ Never eat anything bigger than your head.
+%
+Klingon phaser attack from front!!!!!
+100% Damage to life support!!!!
+%
+Kludge, n:
+ An ill-assorted collection of poorly-matching parts, forming a
+ distressing whole.
+ -- Jackson Granholm, "Datamation"
+%
+Knebel's Law:
+ It is now proved beyond doubt that smoking is one of the leading
+ causes of statistics.
+%
+Knights are hardly worth it.
+I mean, all that shell and so little meat...
+%
+Knock, knock!
+ Who's there?
+Sam and Janet.
+ Sam and Janet who?
+Sam and Janet Evening...
+%
+Knock Knock... (who's there?) Ether! (ether who?) Eather Bunny... Yea!
+[chorus]
+ Yeay!
+ Stay on the Happy side, always on the happy side,
+ Stay on the Happy side of life!
+ Bum bum bum bum bum bum
+ You will feel no pain, as we drive you insane,
+ So Stay on the Happy Side of life!
+
+Knock Knock... (who's there?) Anna! (anna who?)
+ An another eather bunny... [chorus]
+Knock Knock... (who's there?) Stilla! (stilla who?)
+ Still another ether bunny... [chorus]
+Knock Knock... (who's there?) Yetta! (yetta who?)
+ Yet another ether bunny... [chorus]
+Knock Knock... (who's there?) Cargo! (cargo who?)
+ Cargo beep beep and run over eather bunny... [chorus]
+Knock Knock... (who's there?) Boo! (boo who?)
+ Don't Cry! Eather bunny be back next year! [chorus]
+%
+Knocked, you weren't in.
+ -- Opportunity
+%
+Know how to save 5 drowning lawyers?
+
+-- No?
+
+GOOD!
+%
+Know Thy User.
+%
+Know thyself. If you need help, call the C.I.A.
+%
+Know what I hate most? Rhetorical questions.
+ -- Henry N. Camp
+%
+KNOWLEDGE:
+ Things you believe.
+%
+Knowledge is power.
+ -- Francis Bacon
+%
+Knowledge is power -- knowledge shared is power lost.
+ -- Aleister Crowley
+%
+Knowledge without common sense is folly.
+%
+Knucklehead: "Knock, knock"
+Pee Wee: "Who's there?"
+Knucklehead: "Little ol' lady."
+Pee Wee: "Liddle ol' lady who?"
+Knucklehead: "I didn't know you could yodel"
+%
+Kramer's Law:
+ You can never tell which way the train went by looking at the tracks.
+%
+Kramer's Law:
+You can never tell which way the train went by looking at the track.
+%
+KROGT:
+ (chemical symbol: Kr) The metallic silver coating found
+ on fast-food game cards.
+ -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
+%
+LA:
+ Where the only way to determine that the seasons have changed
+ is to note that people have changed the main topic of conversation.
+ From mud slides to brush fires.
+%
+Labor, n:
+ One of the processes whereby A acquires property for B.
+ -- Ambrose Bierce
+%
+Lack of capability is usually disguised by lack of interest.
+%
+Lack of money is the root of all evil.
+ -- George Bernard Shaw
+%
+Lackland's Laws:
+ 1. Never be first.
+ 2. Never be last.
+ 3. Never volunteer for anything.
+%
+LACTOMANGULATION:
+ Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk carton so badly that
+ one has to resort to using the "illegal" side.
+ -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
+%
+La-dee-dee, la-dee-dah.
+%
+Ladies and Gentlemen, Hobos and Tramps,
+Cross-eyed mosquitos and bowlegged ants,
+I come before you to stand behind you
+To tell you of something I know nothing about.
+Next Thursday (which is good Friday),
+There will be a convention held in the
+Women's Club which is strictly for Men.
+Admission is free, pay at the door,
+Pull up a chair, and sit on the floor.
+It was a summer's day in winter,
+And the snow was raining fast,
+As a barefoot boy with shoes on,
+Stood sitting in the grass.
+Oh, that bright day in the dead of night,
+Two dead men got up to fight.
+Three blind men to see fair play,
+Forty mutes to yell "Hooray"!
+Back to back, they faced each other,
+Drew their swords and shot each other.
+A deaf policeman heard the noise,
+Came and arrested those two dead boys.
+%
+Ladies, here's a hint: If you're playing against a friend who has big
+boobs, bring her to the net and make her hit backhand volleys. That's
+the hardest shot for the well endowed. "I've got to hit over them or
+under them, but I can't hit through," Annie Jones used to always moan
+to me. Not having much in my bra, I found it hard to sympathize with
+her.
+ -- Billie Jean King
+%
+Lady, lady, should you meet
+One whose ways are all discreet,
+One who murmurs that his wife
+Is the lodestar of his life,
+One who keeps assuring you
+That he never was untrue,
+Never loved another one...
+Lady, lady, better run!
+ -- Dorothy Parker, "Social Note"
+%
+Lady Luck brings added income today.
+Lady friend takes it away tonight.
+%
+Lady Nancy Astor:
+ "Winston, if you were my husband, I'd put poison in your coffee."
+Winston Churchill:
+ "Nancy, if you were my wife, I'd drink it."
+
+Lady Astor was giving a costume ball and Winston Churchill asked her what
+disguise she would recommend for him. She replied, "Why don't you come
+sober, Mr. Prime Minister?"
+
+ During a visit to America, Winston Churchill was invited to a buffet
+luncheon at which cold fried chicken was served. Returning for a second
+helping, he asked politely, "May I have some breast?"
+ "Mr. Churchill," replied the hostess, "in this country we ask for
+white meat or dark meat." Churchill apologized profusely.
+ The following morning, the lady received a magnificent orchid from
+her guest of honor. The accompanying card read: "I would be most obliged if
+you would pin this on your white meat."
+%
+Ladybug, ladybug,
+Look to your stern!
+Your house is on fire,
+Your children will burn!
+So jump ye and sing, for
+The very first time
+The four lines above
+Have been put into rhyme.
+ -- Walt Kelly
+%
+Laetrile is the pits.
+%
+Laissez Faire Economics is the theory that if
+each acts like a vulture, all will end as doves.
+%
+Lake Erie died for your sins.
+%
+((lambda (foo) (bar foo)) (baz))
+%
+Lamonte Cranston once hired a new Chinese manservant. While describing his
+duties to the new man, Lamonte pointed to a bowl of candy on the coffee
+table and warned him that he was not to take any. Some days later, the new
+manservant was cleaning up, with no one at home, and decided to sample some
+of the candy. Just than, Cranston walked in, spied the manservant at the
+candy, and said:
+ "Pardon me Choy, is that the Shadow's nugate you chew?"
+%
+Language is a virus from another planet.
+ -- William Burroughs
+%
+Lank: Here we go. We're about to set a new record.
+Earl: (to the crowd) How about a date?
+Lank: We've done it. Earl has set a new record. Turned down by
+ 20,000 women.
+ -- Lank and Earl
+%
+Lansdale seized on the idea of using Nixon to build support for the
+[Vietnamese] elections ... really honest elections, this time. "Oh, sure,
+honest, yes, that's right," Nixon said, "so long as you win!" With that
+he winked, drove his elbow into Lansdale's arm and slapped his own knee.
+ -- Richard Nixon, quoted in "Sideshow" by W. Shawcross
+%
+Large increases in cost with questionable increases in
+performance can be tolerated only in race horses and women.
+ -- Lord Kalvin
+%
+Largest Number of Driving Test Failures
+ By April 1970 Mrs. Miriam Hargrave had failed her test thirty-nine
+times. In the eight preceding years she had received two hundred and
+twelve driving lessons at a cost of L300. She set the new record while
+driving triumphantly through a set of red traffic lights in Wakefield,
+Yorkshire. Disappointingly, she passed at the fortieth attempt (3 August
+1970) but eight years later she showed some of her old magic when she was
+reported as saying that she still didn't like doing right-hand turns.
+ -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
+%
+Larkinson's Law:
+ All laws are basically false.
+%
+LASER:
+ Failed death ray.
+%
+Last guys don't finish nice.
+ -- Stanley Kelley, on the cult of victory at all costs
+%
+Last night I dreamed I ate a ten-pound marshmallow, and when I woke up
+the pillow was gone.
+ -- Tommy Cooper
+%
+Last night I met upon the stair
+A little man who wasn't there.
+He wasn't there again today.
+Gee how I wish he'd go away!
+%
+Last night the power went out. Good thing my camera had a flash....
+The neighbors thought it was lightning in my house, so they called the cops.
+ -- Stephen Wright
+%
+Last week a cop stopped me in my car. He asked me if I had a police record.
+I said, no, but I have the new DEVO album. Cops have no sense of humor.
+%
+Last week's pet, this week's special.
+%
+Last year we drove across the country... We switched on the driving...
+every half mile. We had one cassette tape to listen to on the entire trip.
+I don't remember what it was.
+ -- Stephen Wright
+%
+Latin is a language,
+As dead as can be.
+First it killed the Romans,
+And now it's killing me.
+%
+Laugh, and the world ignores you. Crying doesn't help either.
+%
+Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone.
+%
+Laugh and the world thinks you're an idiot.
+%
+Laugh at your problems: everybody else does.
+%
+Laugh when you can; cry when you must.
+%
+Laughing at you is like drop kicking a wounded humming bird.
+%
+Laughter is the closest distance between two people.
+ -- Victor Borge
+%
+Laura's Law:
+ No child throws up in the bathroom.
+%
+Lavish spending can be disastrous.
+Don't buy any lavishes for a while.
+%
+Law enforcement officers should use only the minimum
+force necessary in dealing with disorders when they arise.
+ -- Richard M. Nixon
+%
+Law of Communications:
+ The inevitable result of improved and enlarged communications
+ between different levels in a hierarchy is a vastly increased
+ area of misunderstanding.
+%
+Law of Continuity:
+ Experiments should be reproducible.
+ They should all fail the same way.
+%
+Law of Probable Dispersal:
+ Whatever it is that hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
+%
+Law of Procrastination:
+ Procrastination avoids boredom; one never has
+ the feeling that there is nothing important to do.
+%
+Law of Selective Gravity:
+ An object will fall so as to do the most damage.
+
+Jenning's Corollary:
+ The chance of the bread falling with the buttered side
+ down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.
+
+Law of the Perversity of Nature:
+ You cannot determine beforehand which side of the bread to butter.
+%
+Law of the Jungle:
+ He who hesitates is lunch.
+%
+Law of the Yukon:
+ Only the lead dog gets a change of scenery.
+%
+Law stands mute in the midst of arms.
+ -- Marcus Tullius Cicero
+%
+Lawful Dungeon Master -- and they're MY laws!
+%
+Lawrence Radiation Laboratory keeps all its data in an old gray trunk.
+%
+Laws are like sausages. It's better not to see them being made.
+ -- Otto von Bismarck
+%
+Laws of Computer Programming:
+ 1. Any given program, when running, is obsolete.
+ 2. Any given program costs more and takes longer.
+ 3. If a program is useful, it will have to be changed.
+ 4. If a program is useless, it will have to be documented.
+ 5. Any given program will expand to fill all available memory.
+ 6. The value of a program is proportional the weight of its output.
+ 7. Program complexity grows until it exceeds the capability of
+ the programmer who must maintain it.
+%
+LAWSUIT:
+ A machine which you go into as a pig and come out as a sausage.
+ -- Ambrose Bierce
+%
+Lawyer's Rule:
+ When the law is against you, argue the facts.
+ When the facts are against you, argue the law.
+ When both are against you, call the other lawyer names.
+%
+Lay off the muses, it's a very tough dollar.
+ -- S.J. Perelman
+%
+Lay on, MacDuff, and curs'd be him who first cries, "Hold, enough!".
+ -- Shakespeare
+%
+Lays eggs inside a paper bag;
+The reason, you will see, no doubt,
+Is to keep the lightning out.
+But what these unobservant birds
+Have failed to notice is that herds
+Of bears may come with buns
+And steal the bags to hold the crumbs.
+%
+Lazlo's Chinese Relativity Axiom:
+ No matter how great your triumphs or how tragic your defeats --
+ approximately one billion Chinese couldn't care less.
+%
+LAZY:
+ Marrying a pregnant woman.
+%
+Leadership involves finding a parade and getting in front of it; what
+is happening in America is that those parades are getting smaller and
+smaller -- and there are many more of them.
+ -- John Naisbitt, "Megatrends"
+%
+Learn from other people's mistakes, you don't have time to make your own.
+%
+Learn to pause -- or nothing worthwhile can catch up to you.
+%
+Learned men are the cisterns of knowledge, not the fountainheads.
+%
+Learning at some schools is like drinking from a firehose.
+%
+LEARNING CURVE:
+ An astonishing new theory, discovered by management consultants
+ in the 1970's, asserting that the more you do something the
+ quicker you can do it.
+%
+Learning without thought is labor lost;
+thought without learning is perilous.
+ -- Confucius
+%
+Leave no stone unturned.
+ -- Euripides
+%
+Lee's Law:
+ Mother said there would be days like this,
+ but she never said that there'd be so many!
+%
+Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.
+%
+Leibowitz's Rule:
+ When hammering a nail, you will never hit your
+ finger if you hold the hammer with both hands.
+%
+Lemma: All horses are the same color.
+Proof (by induction):
+ Case n = 1: In a set with only one horse, it is obvious that all
+ horses in that set are the same color.
+ Case n = k: Suppose you have a set of k+1 horses. Pull one of these
+ horses out of the set, so that you have k horses. Suppose that all
+ of these horses are the same color. Now put back the horse that you
+ took out, and pull out a different one. Suppose that all of the k
+ horses now in the set are the same color. Then the set of k+1 horses
+ are all the same color. We have k true => k+1 true; therefore all
+ horses are the same color.
+Theorem: All horses have an infinite number of legs.
+Proof (by intimidation):
+ Everyone would agree that all horses have an even number of legs. It
+ is also well-known that horses have forelegs in front and two legs in
+ back. 4 + 2 = 6 legs, which is certainly an odd number of legs for a
+ horse to have! Now the only number that is both even and odd is
+ infinity; therefore all horses have an infinite number of legs.
+ However, suppose that there is a horse somewhere that does not have an
+ infinite number of legs. Well, that would be a horse of a different
+ color; and by the Lemma, it doesn't exist.
+%
+Lemmings don't grow older, they just die.
+%
+Lend money to a bad debtor and he will hate you.
+%
+Lensmen eat Jedi for breakfast.
+%
+LEO (Jul. 23 to Aug. 22)
+ Your presence, poise, charm and good looks won't even help you today.
+ Look over your shoulder; an ugly person may be following you. Be on
+ your toes. Brush your teeth. Take Geritol.
+%
+LEO (July 23 - Aug 22)
+ You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are pushy.
+ Most Leo people are bullies. You are vain and dislike honest
+ criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people are thieves.
+%
+LEO (July 23 - Aug 22)
+ Your determination and sense of humor will come to the fore. Your
+ ability to laugh at adversity will be a blessing because you've got
+ a day coming you wouldn't believe. As a matter of fact, if you can
+ laugh at what happens to you today, you've got a sick sense of humor.
+%
+Lesbian QOTD:
+I didn't give up sex, I just gave up premature ejaculation.
+%
+Let a fool hold his tongue and he will pass for a sage.
+ -- Publilius Syrus
+%
+Let he who takes the plunge remember to return it by Tuesday.
+%
+Let him choose out of my files, his projects to accomplish.
+ -- Shakespeare, "Coriolanus"
+%
+Let me assure you that to us here at First National, you're not just a
+number. Youre two numbers, a dash, three more numbers, another dash and
+another number.
+ -- James Estes
+%
+Let me not to the marriage of true minds
+Admit impediments. Love is not love
+Which alters when it alteration finds,
+Or bends with the remover to remove:
+O, no! it is an ever-fixed mark,
+That looks on tempests and is never shaken;
+It is the star to every wandering bark,
+Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken.
+Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks
+Within his bending sickle's compass come;
+Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,
+But bears it out even to the edge of doom.
+If this be error and upon me proved,
+I never writ, nor no man ever loved.
+%
+Let me put it this way: today is going to be a learning experience.
+%
+Let me take you a button-hole lower.
+ -- William Shakespeare, "Love's Labour's Lost"
+%
+Let me tell you who the actual "front-runners" are. On one side, you have
+George Bush, who is currently going through a sort of fraternity hazing
+wherein he has to perform a series of humiliating stunts to win the approval
+of the Republican Right. For example, they had him make a speech oozing
+praise all over William Loeb, deceased publisher of the Manchester (N.H.)
+Union Leader and Slime Journalist. Loeb had dumped viciously all over George
+in the 1980 New Hampshire primary. But when the Right held a big tribute
+for Loeb, George came back to the fold, like a man with a bungee cord wrapped
+around his neck.
+ -- Dave Barry
+%
+Let no guilty man escape.
+ -- U.S. Grant
+%
+Let not the sands of time get in your lunch.
+%
+Let others praise ancient times; I am glad I was born in these.
+ -- Ovid (43 B.C. - A.D. 18)
+%
+Let sleeping dogs lie.
+ -- Charles Dickens
+%
+Let the machine do the dirty work.
+ -- "Elements of Programming Style", Kernighan and Ritchie
+%
+Let the meek inherit the earth -- they have it coming to them.
+ -- James Thurber
+%
+Let the people think they govern and they will be governed.
+ -- William Penn, founder of Pennsylvania
+%
+Let the worthy citizens of Chicago get their liquor the best way
+they can. I'm sick of the job. It's a thankless one and full of grief.
+ -- Capone
+%
+Let thy maid servant be faithful, strong, and homely.
+ -- Benjamin Franklin
+%
+Let us go then you and I
+while the night is laid out against the sky
+like a smear of mustard on an old pork pie.
+
+"Nice poem Tom. I have ideas for changes though, why not come over?"
+ -- Ezra
+%
+Let us go, through certain half-deserted streets,
+The muttering retreats
+Of restless nights in one-night cheap hotels
+And sawdust restaurants with oyster-shells:
+Streets that follow like a tedious argument
+Of insidious intent
+To lead you to an overwhelming question...
+Oh, do not ask, "What is it?"
+ -- T.S. Eliot, "Love song of J. Alfred Prufrock"
+%
+Let us live!!!
+Let us love!!!
+Let us share the deepest secrets of our souls!!!
+
+You first.
+%
+Let us never negotiate out of fear,
+but let us never fear to negotiate.
+ -- John F. Kennedy
+%
+Let us not look back in anger or forward
+in fear, but around us in awareness.
+ -- James Thurber
+%
+Let us remember that ours is a nation of lawyers and order.
+%
+Let us treat men and women well;
+Treat them as if they were real;
+Perhaps they are.
+ -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
+%
+Let your conscience be your guide.
+ -- Pope
+%
+L'etat c'est moi.
+[The state, that's me.]
+ -- Louis XIV
+%
+Let's do it.
+ -- Gary Gilmore, to his firing squad
+%
+Let's just be friends and make no special
+effort to ever see each other again.
+%
+Let's just say that where a change was required, I adjusted. In every
+relationship that exists, people have to seek a way to survive. If you
+really care about the person, you do what's necessary, or that's the end.
+For the first time, I found that I really could change, and the qualities
+I most admired in myself I gave up. I stopped being loud and bossy...
+Oh, all right. I was still loud and bossy, but only behind his back."
+ -- Kate Hepburn, on Tracy and Hepburn
+%
+Let's love each other slowly,
+reaching for a plane,
+of exquisite pleasure,
+and delicate pain.
+ -- Adam Beslove
+%
+Let's not complicate our relationship
+by trying to communicate with each other.
+%
+Let's organize this thing and take all the fun out of it.
+%
+Let's remind ourselves that last year's fresh idea is today's cliche.
+ -- Austen Briggs
+%
+Let's say your wedding ring falls into your toaster, and when you stick your
+hand in to retrieve it, you suffer Pain and Suffering as well as Mental
+Anguish. You would sue:
+
+* The toaster manufacturer, for failure to include, in the instructions
+ section that says you should never never never ever stick you hand
+ into the toaster, the statement "Not even if your wedding ring falls
+ in there".
+
+* The store where you bought the toaster, for selling it to an obvious
+ cretin like yourself.
+
+* Union Carbide Corporation, which is not directly responsible in this
+ case, but which is feeling so guilty that it would probably send you
+ a large cash settlement anyway.
+ -- Dave Barry
+%
+LEVERAGE:
+ Even if someone doesn't care what the world thinks
+ about them, they always hope their mother doesn't find out.
+%
+Leveraging always beats prototyping.
+%
+Lewis's Law of Travel:
+ The first piece of luggage out of the
+ chute doesn't belong to anyone, ever.
+%
+L'hazard ne favorise que l'esprit prepare.
+ -- L. Pasteur
+%
+LIAR:
+ A lawyer with a roving commission.
+%
+Liar: one who tells an unpleasant truth.
+ -- Oliver Herford
+%
+LIBERAL:
+ Someone too poor to be a capitalist and too rich to be a communist.
+%
+Liberals are the first to dump you if you con them or get into
+trouble. Conservatives are better. They never run out on you.
+ -- Joseph "Crazy Joe" Gallo
+%
+Liberty don't work as good in practice as it does in speeches.
+ -- The Best of Will Rogers
+%
+LIBRA (Sep. 23 to Oct. 22)
+ Your desire for justice and truth will be overshadowed by your desire
+ for filthy lucre and a decent meal. Be gracious and polite. Someone
+ is watching you, so stop staring like that.
+%
+LIBRA (Sept 23 - Oct 23)
+ Major achievements, new friends, and a previously unexplored way
+ to make a lot of money will come to a lot of people today, but
+ unfortunately you won't be one of them. Consider not getting out
+ of bed today.
+%
+LIE:
+ A very poor substitute for the truth,
+ but the only one discovered to date.
+%
+Lieberman's Law:
+ Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.
+%
+Lieberman's Law:
+Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter, cuz nobody listens.
+%
+Lies! All lies! You're all lying against my boys!
+ -- Ma Barker
+%
+LIFE:
+ A whim of several billion cells to be you for a while.
+%
+LIFE:
+ Learning about people the hard way -- by being one.
+%
+LIFE:
+ That brief interlude between nothingness and eternity.
+%
+Life -- Love It or Leave It.
+%
+Life begins at the centerfold and expands outward.
+ -- Miss November, 1966
+%
+Life being what it is, one dreams of revenge.
+ -- Paul Gauguin
+%
+Life can be so tragic -- you're here today and here tomorrow.
+%
+Life does not begin at the moment of conception or the moment of birth.
+It begins when the kids leave home and the dog dies.
+%
+Life exists for no known purpose.
+%
+Life in this society being, at best, an utter bore and no aspect of society
+being at all relevant to women, there remains to civic-minded responsible
+thrill-seeking females only to overthrow the government, eliminate the money
+system, institute complete automation and destroy the male sex.
+ -- Valerie Solanas
+%
+Life is a biochemical reaction to the stimulus of the surrounding
+environment in a stable ecosphere, while a bowl of cherries is a
+round container filled with little red fruits on sticks.
+%
+Life is a concentration camp. You're stuck here and there's no way
+out and you can only rage impotently against your persecutors.
+ -- Woody Allen
+%
+Life is a gamble at terrible odds, if it was a bet you wouldn't take it.
+ -- Tom Stoppard, "Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead"
+%
+Life is a game. In order to have a game, something has to be more
+important than something else. If what already is, is more important
+than what isn't, the game is over. So, life is a game in which what
+isn't, is more important than what is. Let the good times roll.
+ -- Werner Erhard
+%
+Life is a game of bridge -- and you've just been finessed.
+%
+Life is a glorious cycle of song,
+A medley of extemporania;
+And love is thing that can never go wrong;
+And I am Marie of Roumania.
+ -- Dorothy Parker, "Comment"
+%
+Life is a grand adventure -- or it is nothing.
+ -- Helen Keller
+%
+Life is a healthy respect for mother nature laced with greed.
+%
+Life is a hospital in which every patient is possessed by the desire to
+change his bed.
+ -- Charles Baudelaire
+%
+Life is a series of rude awakenings.
+ -- R.V. Winkle
+%
+Life is a serious burden, which no thinking,
+humane person would wantonly inflict on someone else.
+ -- Clarence Darrow
+%
+Life is a sexually transferred disease with 100% mortality.
+%
+Life is a yo-yo, and mankind ties knots in the string.
+%
+Life is an exciting business, and most
+exciting when it is lived for others.
+%
+Life is both difficult and time consuming.
+%
+Life is cheap, but the accessories can kill you.
+%
+Life is difficult because it is non-linear.
+%
+Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable.
+ -- Woody Allen, "Annie Hall"
+%
+Life is fraught with opportunities to keep your mouth shut.
+%
+Life is just a bowl of cherries, but why do I always get the pits?
+%
+Life is knowing how far to go without crossing the line.
+%
+Life is like a 10 speed bicycle. Most of us have gears we never use.
+ -- C. Schultz
+%
+"Life is like a buffet; it's not good but there's plenty of it."
+%
+Life is like a diaper - short and loaded.
+%
+Life is like a sewer.
+What you get out of it depends on what you put into it.
+ -- Tom Lehrer
+%
+Life is like a tin of sardines.
+We're, all of us, looking for the key.
+ -- Beyond the Fringe
+%
+Life is like an egg stain on your chin --
+you can lick it, but it still won't go away.
+%
+Life is like an onion: you peel it off
+one layer at a time, and sometimes you weep.
+ -- Carl Sandburg
+%
+Life is like an onion: you peel off layer after
+layer and then you find there is nothing in it.
+ -- James Huneker
+%
+Life is like arriving late for a movie, having to figure out what was
+going on without bothering everybody with a lot of questions, and then
+being unexpectedly called away before you find out how it ends.
+%
+Life is like bein' on a mule team. Unless you're
+the lead mule, all the scenery looks about the same.
+%
+Life is not for everyone.
+%
+Life is one long struggle in the dark.
+ -- Titus Lucretius Carus
+%
+Life is the childhood of our immortality.
+ -- Goethe
+%
+Life is the living you do,
+Death is the living you don't do.
+ -- Joseph Pintauro
+%
+Life is the urge to ecstasy.
+%
+Life is to you a dashing and bold adventure.
+%
+Life is too short to be taken seriously.
+ -- O. Wilde
+%
+Life is too short to stuff a mushroom.
+ -- Storm Jameson
+%
+Life is wasted on the living.
+ -- The Restaurant at the Edge of the Universe.
+%
+Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans.
+ -- John Lennon, "Beautiful Boy"
+%
+Life, like beer, is merely borrowed.
+ -- Don Reed
+%
+Life may have no meaning, or, even worse,
+it may have a meaning of which you disapprove.
+%
+Life only demands from you the strength you possess.
+Only one feat is possible -- not to have run away.
+ -- Dag Hammarskjold
+%
+Life Sucks. Cynical, misanthropic male, 34, looking for soul mate but
+certain not to find her. Drop me a note. I'll call you, we'll talk and
+I'll ask you out to dinner where I'll probably spend more than I can
+afford in a feeble attempt to impress you. Then we'll realize we have
+absolutely nothing in common and we'll go our separate ways, more
+embittered and depressed than before (if such a thing is possible).
+%
+Life sucks, but death doesn't put out at all.
+ -- Thomas J. Kopp
+%
+Life without caffeine is stimulating enough.
+ -- Sanka Ad
+%
+Life would be so much easier if we could just look at the source code.
+ -- Dave Olson
+%
+Life would be tolerable but for its amusements.
+ -- G.B. Shaw
+%
+Life's too short to dance with ugly women.
+%
+Lift every voice and sing
+Till earth and heaven ring,
+Ring with the harmonies of Liberty;
+Let our rejoicing rise
+High as the listening skies,
+Let it resound loud as the rolling sea.
+
+Sing a song full of the faith that the dark past has taught us.
+Sing a song full of the hope that the present has bought us.
+Facing the rising sun of our new day begun,
+Let us march on till victory is won.
+ -- James Weldon Johnson
+%
+Lighten up, while you still can,
+Don't even try to understand,
+Just find a place to make your stand,
+And take it easy.
+ -- The Eagles, "Take It Easy"
+%
+LIGHTHOUSE:
+ A tall building on the seashore in which the government
+ maintains a lamp and the friend of a politician.
+%
+LIKE:
+ When being alive at the same time is a wonderful coincidence.
+%
+Like all young men, you greatly exaggerate
+the difference between one young woman and another.
+ -- George Bernard Shaw, "Major Barbara"
+%
+Like an expensive sports car, fine-tuned and well-built, Portia was sleek,
+shapely, and gorgeous, her red jumpsuit moulding her body, which was as warm
+as seatcovers in July, her hair as dark as new tires, her eyes flashing like
+bright hubcaps, and her lips as dewy as the beads of fresh rain on the hood;
+she was a woman driven -- fueled by a single accelerant -- and she needed a
+man, a man who wouldn't shift from his views, a man to steer her along the
+right road: a man like Alf Romeo.
+ -- Rachel Sheeley, winner
+
+The hair ball blocking the drain of the shower reminded Laura she would never
+see her little dog Pritzi again.
+ -- Claudia Fields, runner-up
+
+It could have been an organically based disturbance of the brain -- perhaps a
+tumor or a metabolic deficiency -- but after a thorough neurological exam it
+was determined that Byron was simply a jerk.
+ -- Jeff Jahnke, runner-up
+
+Winners in the 7th Annual Bulwer-Lytton Bad Writing Contest. The contest is
+named after the author of the immortal lines: "It was a dark and stormy
+night." The object of the contest is to write the opening sentence of the
+worst possible novel.
+%
+Like corn in a field I cut you down,
+I threw the last punch way too hard,
+After years of going steady, well, I thought it was time,
+To throw in my hand for a new set of cards.
+And I can't take you dancing out on the weekend,
+I figured we'd painted too much of this town,
+And I tried not to look as I walked to my wagon,
+And I knew then I had lost what should have been found,
+I knew then I had lost what should have been found.
+ And I feel like a bullet in the gun of Robert Ford
+ I'm as low as a paid assassin is
+ You know I'm cold as a hired sword.
+ I'm so ashamed we can't patch it up,
+ You know I can't think straight no more
+ You make me feel like a bullet, honey,
+ a bullet in the gun of Robert Ford.
+ -- Elton John "I Feel Like a Bullet"
+%
+Like I said, love wouldn't be so blind if the braille
+weren't so damned great!
+ -- Armistead Maupin
+%
+Like, if I'm not for me, then fer shure, like who will be? And if, y'know,
+if I'm not like fer anyone else, then hey, I mean, what am I? And if not
+now, like I dunno, maybe like when? And if not Who, then I dunno, maybe
+like the Rolling Stones?
+ -- Rich Rosen (Rabbi Valiel's paraphrase of famous quote
+ attributed to Rabbi Hillel.)
+%
+Like my parents, I have never been a regular church member or churchgoer.
+It doesn't seem plausible to me that there is the kind of God who watches
+over human affairs, listens to prayers, and tries to guide people to follow
+His precepts -- there is just too much misery and cruelty for that. On the
+other hand, I respect and envy the people who get inspiration from their
+religions.
+ -- Benjamin Spock
+%
+Like punning, programming is a play on words.
+%
+Like so many Americans, she was trying to construct
+a life that made sense from things she found in gift shops.
+ -- Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.
+%
+Like the ski resort of girls looking for husbands and husbands looking
+for girls, the situation is not as symmetrical as it might seem.
+ -- Alan McKay
+%
+Like the time I ran away...
+And turned around and you were standing close to me.
+ -- YES, "Going For The One/Awaken"
+%
+Like winter snow on summer lawn, time past is time gone.
+%
+Like ya know? Rock 'N Roll is an esoteric language that unlocks the
+creativity chambers in people's brains, and like totally activates their
+essential hipness, which of course is like totally necessary for saving
+the earth, like because the first thing in saving this world, is getting
+rid of stupid and square attitudes and having fun.
+ -- Senior Year Quote
+%
+Like you, I am frequently haunted by profound questions related to man's
+place in the Scheme of Things. Here are just a few:
+
+ Q -- Is there life after death?
+ A -- Definitely. I speak from personal experience here. On New
+Year's Eve, 1970, I drank a full pitcher of a drink called "Black Russian",
+then crawled out on the lawn and died within a matter of minutes, which was
+fine with me because I had come to realize that if I had lived I would have
+spent the rest of my life in the grip of the most excruciatingly painful
+headache. Thanks to the miracle of modern orange juice, I was brought back
+to life several days later, but in the interim I was definitely dead. I
+guess my main impression of the afterlife is that it isn't so bad as long
+as you keep the television turned down and don't try to eat any solid foods.
+ -- Dave Barry
+%
+Likewise, the national appetizer, brine-cured herring with raw onions,
+wins few friends, Germans excepted.
+ -- Darwin Porter "Scandinavia On $50 A Day"
+%
+Limericks are art forms complex,
+Their topics run chiefly to sex.
+ They usually have virgins,
+ And masculine urgin's,
+And other erotic effects.
+%
+"Lines that are parallel meet at Infinity!"
+Euclid repeatedly, heatedly, urged.
+
+Until he died, and so reached that vicinity:
+in it he found that the damned things diverged.
+ -- Piet Hein
+%
+Linus: Hi! I thought it was you.
+ I've been watching you from way off... You're looking great!
+Snoopy: That's nice to know.
+ The secret of life is to look good at a distance.
+%
+Linus: I guess it's wrong always to be worrying about tomorrow.
+ Maybe we should think only about today.
+Charlie Brown:
+ No, that's giving up. I'm still hoping that yesterday
+ will get better.
+%
+Linus' Law:
+ There is no heavier burden than a great potential.
+%
+Lions in the street and roaming,
+Dogs in heat, rabid, foaming,
+A beast caged in the heart of the city.
+The body of his mother lying in the summer ground,
+He fled the town.
+Went down south across the border,
+Left the chaos and disorder
+Back there, over his shoulder.
+One morning he awoke in a green hotel,
+A strange creature groaning beside him.
+Sweat oozed from its shiny skin.
+Is everybody in? The ceremony is about to begin.
+ -- Jim Morrison, "Celebration of the Lizard"
+%
+LISP:
+ To call a spade a thpade.
+%
+Lisp, Lisp, Lisp Machine,
+Lisp Machine is Fun.
+Lisp, Lisp, Lisp Machine,
+Fun for everyone.
+%
+Lisp Users:
+Due to the holiday next Monday, there will be no garbage collection.
+%
+Listen, there is no courage or any extra courage that I know of to find out
+the right thing to do. Now, it is not only necessary to do the right thing,
+but to do it in the right way and the only problem you have is what is the
+right thing to do and what is the right way to do it. That is the problem.
+But this economy of ours is not so simple that it obeys to the opinion of
+bias or the pronouncements of any particular individual, even to the President.
+This is an economy that is made up of 173 million people, and it reflects
+their desires, they're ready to buy, they're ready to spend, it is a thing
+that is too complex and too big to be affected adversely or advantageously
+just by a few words or any particular -- say, a little this and that, or even
+a panacea so alleged.
+ -- D.D. Eisenhower, in response to: "Has the government
+ been lacking in courage and boldness in facing up to
+ the recession?"
+%
+Literature is mostly about having sex and not much about having children.
+Life is the other way around.
+ -- David Lodge
+%
+Literature is mostly about sex and not much about having children and life
+is the other way round.
+ -- David Lodge, "The British Museum is Falling Down"
+%
+Littering is dumb.
+ -- Ronald Macdonald
+%
+Little Fly,
+Thy summer's play If thought is life
+My thoughtless hand And strength & breath,
+Has brush'd away. And the want
+ Of thought is death,
+Am not I
+A fly like thee? Then am I
+Or art not thou A happy fly
+A man like me? If I live
+ Or if I die.
+
+For I dance
+And drink & sing,
+Till some blind hand
+Shall brush my wing.
+ -- William Blake, "The Fly"
+%
+Little girls, like butterflies, need no excuse.
+ -- Lazarus Long
+%
+Little known fact about Middle Earth: The Hobbits had a very
+sophisticated computer network! It was a Tolkein Ring...
+%
+Little Known Facts, #23:
+ Did you know... that if you dial 911 in Los Angeles you get
+ the BMW repair garage?
+%
+Little Mary on the ice,
+Went out to have a frisk,
+Now wasn't little Mary nice,
+Her pretty *?
+%
+Live fast, die young, and leave a flat patch of fur on the highway!
+ -- The Squirrels' Motto (The "Hell's Angels of Nature")
+%
+Live fast, die young, and leave a good looking corpse.
+ -- James Dean
+%
+Live from New York ... It's Saturday Night!
+%
+Live in a world of your own, but always welcome visitors.
+%
+Live never to be ashamed if anything you do or say is
+published around the world -- even if what is published is not true.
+ -- Messiah's Handbook : Reminders for the Advanced Soul
+%
+Live within your income, even if you have to borrow to do so.
+ -- Josh Billings
+%
+Living here in Rio, I have lots of coffees to choose from. And when
+you're on the lam like me, you appreciate a good cup of coffee.
+ -- "Great Train Robber" Ronald Biggs' coffee commercial
+%
+Living in California is like living in a bowl of granola.
+What ain't flakes and nuts is fruits.
+%
+Living in Hollywood is like living in a bowl of granola.
+What ain't fruits and nuts is flakes.
+%
+Living in New York City gives people real incentives
+to want things that nobody else wants.
+ -- Andy Warhol
+%
+Living in the complex world of the future is somewhat
+like having bees live in your head. But, there they are.
+%
+Living on Earth may be expensive, but it
+includes an annual free trip around the Sun.
+%
+LIVING YOUR LIFE:
+ A task so difficult, it has never been attempted before.
+%
+Lizzie Borden took an axe,
+And plunged it deep into the VAX;
+Don't you envy people who
+Do all the things YOU want to do?
+%
+Lo! Men have become the tool of their tools.
+ -- Henry David Thoreau
+%
+Lobster:
+ Everyone loves these delectable crustaceans, but many cooks are
+squeamish about placing them into boiling water alive, which is the only
+proper method of preparing them. Frankly, the easiest way to eliminate your
+guilt is to establish theirs by putting them on trial before they're cooked.
+The fact is, lobsters are among the most ferocious predators on the sea
+floor, and you're helping reduce crime in the reefs. Grasp the lobster
+behind the head, look it right in its unmistakably guilty eyestalks and say,
+"Where were you on the night of the 21st?", then flourish a picture of a
+scallop or a sole and shout, "Perhaps this will refresh that crude neural
+apparatus you call a memory!" The lobster will squirm noticeably. It may
+even take a swipe at you with one of its claws. Incorrigible. Pop it into
+the pot. Justice has been served, and shortly you and your friends will
+be, too.
+ -- Dave Barry
+%
+Lobster:
+ Everyone loves these delectable crustaceans, but many cooks are squeamish
+ about placing them into boiling water alive, which is the only proper
+ method of preparing them. Frankly, the easiest way to eliminate your
+ guilt is to establish theirs by putting them on trial before they're
+ cooked. The fact is, lobsters are among the most ferocious predators on
+ the sea floor, and you're helping reduce crime in the reefs. Grasp the
+ lobster behind the head, look it right in its unmistakably guilty
+ eyestalks and say, "Where were you on the night of the 21st?", then
+ flourish a picture of a scallop or a sole and shout, "Perhaps this will
+ refresh that crude neural apparatus you call a memory!" The lobster will
+ squirm noticeably. It may even take a swipe at you with one of its claws.
+ Incorrigible. Pop it into the pot. Justice has been served, and shortly
+ you and your friends will be, too.
+ -- Cooking: The Art of Turning Appliances and Utensils
+ into Excuses and Apologies
+%
+Lockwood's Long Shot:
+ The chances of getting eaten up by a lion on Main Street
+ aren't one in a million, but once would be enough.
+%
+Logic doesn't apply to the real world.
+ -- Marvin Minsky
+%
+Logic is a little bird, sitting in a tree, that smells AWFUL.
+%
+Logic is a pretty flower that smells bad.
+%
+Logic is a systematic method of coming
+to the wrong conclusion with confidence.
+%
+Logic is the chastity belt of the mind!
+%
+Logicians have but ill defined
+As rational the human kind.
+Logic, they say, belongs to man,
+But let them prove it if they can.
+ -- Oliver Goldsmith
+%
+LOGO for the Dead
+
+LOGO for the Dead lets you continue your computing activities from
+"The Other Side."
+
+The package includes a unique telecommunications feature which lets you
+turn your TRS-80 into an electronic Ouija board. Then, using Logo's
+graphics capabilities, you can work with a friend or relative on this
+side of the Great Beyond to write programs. The software requires that
+your body be hardwired to an analog-to-digital converter, which is then
+interfaced to your computer. A special terminal (very terminal) program
+lets you talk with the users through Deadnet, an EBBS (Ectoplasmic
+Bulletin Board System).
+
+LOGO for the Dead is available for 10 percent of your estate
+from NecroSoft inc., 6502 Charnelhouse Blvd., Cleveland, OH 44101.
+ -- '80 Microcomputing
+%
+Loneliness is a terrible price to pay for independence.
+%
+Lonely is a man without love.
+ -- Englebert Humperdinck
+%
+Lonely men seek companionship.
+Lonely women sit at home and wait. They never meet.
+%
+Lonesome?
+
+Like a change?
+Like a new job?
+Like excitement?
+Like to meet new and interesting people?
+
+JUST SCREW-UP ONE MORE TIME!!!!!!!
+%
+Long ago I proposed that unsuccessful candidates for the Presidency
+be quietly hanged, as a matter of public sanitation and decorum.
+The sight of their grief must have a very evil effect upon the young.
+ -- H.L. Mencken, "A Carnival of Buncombe"
+%
+Long computations which yield zero are probably all for naught.
+%
+Long life is in store for you.
+%
+Long were the days of pain I have spent within its walls, and
+long were the nights of aloneness; and who can depart from his
+pain and his aloneness without regret?
+ -- Kahlil Gibran, "The Prophet"
+%
+Look! Before our very eyes, the future is becoming the past.
+%
+Look afar and see the end from the beginning.
+%
+Look at it this way:
+Your daughter just named the fresh turkey you brought
+home "Cuddles", so you're going out to buy a canned ham.
+And you're still drinking ordinary scotch?
+%
+Look at it this way:
+Your wife's spending $280 a month on meditation lessons to
+forget $26,000 of college education.
+And you're still drinking ordinary scotch?
+%
+Look before you leap.
+ -- Samuel Butler
+%
+Look ere ye leap.
+ -- John Heywood
+%
+Look out! Behind you!
+%
+Look, we trade every day out there with hustlers, deal-makers, shysters,
+con-men. That's the way businesses get started. That's the way this
+country was built.
+ -- Hubert Allen
+%
+Lookie, lookie, here comes cookie...
+ -- Stephen Sondheim
+%
+Loose bits sink chips.
+%
+Lord, defend me from my friends; I can account for my enemies.
+ -- Charles D'Hericault
+%
+Lord, what fools these mortals be!
+ -- William Shakespeare, "A Midsummer-Night's Dream"
+%
+Losing your drivers' license is just
+God's way of saying "BOOGA, BOOGA!"
+%
+Lost: gray and white female cat.
+Answers to electric can opener.
+%
+Lots of folks are forced to skimp to support a government that won't.
+%
+Lots of folks confuse bad management with destiny.
+ -- Frank Hubbard
+%
+Lots of girls can be had for a song.
+Unfortunately, it often turns out to be the wedding march.
+%
+Louie Louie, me gotta go
+Louie Louie, me gotta go
+
+Fine little girl she waits for me
+Me catch the ship for cross the sea
+Me sail the ship all alone Three nights and days me sail the sea
+Me never thinks me make it home Me think of girl constantly
+(chorus) On the ship I dream she there
+ I smell the rose in her hair
+Me see Jamaica moon above (chorus, guitar solo)
+It won't be long, me see my love
+I take her in my arms and then
+Me tell her I never leave again
+ -- The real words to The Kingsmen's classic "Louie Louie"
+%
+Louie, Louie, me gotta go
+Louie, Louie, me gotta go
+
+Fine little girl she waits for me
+Me catch the ship for cross the sea
+Me sail the ship all alone
+Me never thinks me make it home
+ [chorus]
+
+Three nights and days me sail the sea
+Me think of girl constantly
+On the ship I dream she there
+I smell the rose in her hair
+ [chorus; guitar solo]
+
+Me see Jamaica moon above
+It won't be long, me see my love
+I take her in my arms and then
+Me tell her I never leave again
+ -- the real words to "Louie Louie"
+%
+LOVE:
+ I'll let you play with my life if you'll let me play with yours.
+%
+LOVE:
+ Love ties in a knot in the end of the rope.
+%
+LOVE:
+ When, if asked to choose between your lover
+ and happiness, you'd skip happiness in a heartbeat.
+%
+LOVE:
+ When it's growing, you don't mind watering it with a few tears.
+%
+LOVE:
+ When you don't want someone too close--
+ because you're very sensitive to pleasure.
+%
+LOVE:
+ When you like to think of someone on days that begin with a morning.
+%
+Love -- the last of the serious diseases of childhood.
+%
+Love ain't nothin' but sex misspelled.
+%
+Love America - or give it back.
+%
+Love and scandal are the best sweeteners of tea.
+%
+Love at first sight is one of the greatest
+labor-saving devices the world has ever seen.
+%
+Love conquers all things; let us too surrender to love.
+ -- Publius Vergilius Maro (Virgil)
+%
+Love in your heart wasn't put there to stay.
+Love isn't love 'til you give it away.
+ -- Oscar Hammerstein II
+%
+Love is a grave mental disease.
+ -- Plato
+%
+Love is a slippery eel that bites like hell.
+ -- Matt Groening
+%
+Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra, which suddenly flips
+over, pinning you underneath. At night the ice weasels come.
+ -- Matt Groening, "Love is Hell"
+%
+Love is a word that is constantly heard,
+Hate is a word that is not.
+Love, I am told, is more precious than gold.
+Love, I have read, is hot.
+But hate is the verb that to me is superb,
+And Love but a drug on the mart.
+Any kiddie in school can love like a fool,
+But Hating, my boy, is an Art.
+ -- Ogden Nash
+%
+Love is always open arms. With arms open you allow love to come and
+go as it wills, freely, for it will do so anyway. If you close your
+arms about love you'll find you are left only holding yourself.
+%
+Love is an ideal thing, marriage a real thing; a confusion of the
+real with the ideal never goes unpunished.
+ -- Goethe
+%
+Love is an obsessive delusion that is cured by marriage.
+ -- Dr. Karl Bowman
+%
+Love is being stupid together.
+ -- Paul Valery
+%
+Love is dope, not chicken soup. I mean, love is something to be passed
+around freely, not spooned down someone's throat for their own good by a
+Jewish mother who cooked it all by herself.
+%
+Love is in the offing.
+ -- The Homicidal Maniac
+%
+Love is in the offing. Be affectionate to one who adores you.
+%
+Love is like a friendship caught on fire. In the beginning a flame, very
+pretty, often hot and fierce, but still only light and flickering. As love
+grows older, our hearts mature and our love becomes as coals, deep-burning
+and unquenchable.
+ -- Bruce Lee
+%
+Love is like the measles; we all have to go through it.
+ -- Jerome K. Jerome
+%
+Love is never asking why?
+%
+Love is not enough, but it sure helps.
+%
+Love is sentimental measles.
+%
+Love is staying up all night with a sick child, or a healthy adult.
+%
+Love is the answer; but while you are waiting for the answer, sex
+raises some pretty good questions.
+ -- Woody Allen
+%
+Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another.
+ -- H.L. Mencken
+%
+Love is the desire to prostitute oneself. There is, indeed, no exalted
+pleasure that cannot be related to prostitution.
+ -- Charles Baudelaire
+%
+Love is the only game that is not called on account of darkness.
+ -- M. Hirschfield
+%
+Love is the process of my leading you gently back to yourself.
+ -- Saint Exupery
+%
+Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
+ -- H.L. Mencken
+%
+Love IS what it's cracked up to be.
+%
+Love is what you've been through with somebody.
+ -- James Thurber
+%
+Love isn't only blind, it's also deaf, dumb, and stupid.
+%
+Love makes fools, marriage cuckolds, and patriotism malevolent imbeciles.
+ -- Paul Leautaud, "Passe-temps"
+%
+Love makes the world go 'round, with a little help from intrinsic angular
+momentum.
+%
+Love may laugh at locksmiths, but he has a profound respect for money bags.
+ -- Sidney Paternoster, "The Folly of the Wise"
+%
+Love means having to say you're sorry every five minutes.
+%
+Love means never having to say you're sorry.
+ -- Eric Segal, "Love Story"
+
+That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard.
+ -- Ryan O'Neill, "What's Up Doc?"
+%
+Love means nothing to a tennis player.
+%
+Love tells us many things that are not so.
+ -- Krainian Proverb
+%
+Love the sea? I dote upon it -- from the beach.
+%
+Love thy neighbor as thyself, but choose your neighborhood.
+ -- Louise Beal
+%
+Love thy neighbor, tune thy piano.
+%
+Love to eat them mousies,
+Mousies I love to eat.
+Bite they little heads off,
+Nibble at they tiny feet.
+ -- Kliban
+%
+Love to eat them mousies,
+Mousies what I love to eat.
+Bite they little heads off,
+Nibble on they tiny feet.
+ -- Kliban
+%
+Love to eat them mousies;
+Mousies what I love to eat.
+Bite they tiny heads off,
+Nibble on they tiny feet!
+ -- Kilban
+%
+Love, which is quickly kindled in a gentle heart,
+ seized this one for the fair form
+ that was taken from me-and the way of it afficts me still.
+Love, which absolves no loved one from loving,
+ seized me so strongly with delight in him,
+ that, as you see, it does not leave me even now.
+Love brought us to one death.
+ -- La Divina Commedia: Inferno V, vv. 100-06
+%
+Love your enemies: they'll go crazy
+trying to figure out what you're up to.
+%
+Love your neighbour, yet don't pull down your hedge.
+ -- Benjamin Franklin
+%
+Lowery's Law:
+ If it jams -- force it. If it
+ breaks, it needed replacing anyway.
+%
+LSD melts in your mind, not in your hand.
+%
+Lubarsky's Law of Cybernetic Entomology:
+ There's always one more bug.
+%
+Lucas is the source of many of the components of the legendarily reliable
+British automotive electrical systems. Professionals call the company "The
+Prince of Darkness". Of course, if Lucas were to design and manufacture
+nuclear weapons, World War III would never get off the ground. The British
+don't like warm beer any more than the Americans do. The British drink warm
+beer because they have Lucas refrigerators.
+%
+Luck can't last a lifetime, unless you die young.
+ -- Russell Banks
+%
+Luck, that's when preparation and opportunity meet.
+ -- P.E. Trudeau
+%
+Lucky, adj:
+ When you have a wife and a cigarette
+ lighter -- both of which work.
+%
+Lucky is he for whom the belle toils.
+%
+Lucy: Dance, dance, dance. That is all you ever do.
+ Can't you be serious for once?
+Snoopy: She is right! I think I had better think
+ of the more important things in life!
+ (pause)
+ Tomorrow!!
+%
+Luke, I'm yer father, eh. Come over to the dark side, you hoser.
+ -- Dave Thomas, "Strange Brew"
+%
+LUNATIC ASYLUM:
+ The place where optimism most flourishes.
+%
+Lying is an indispensable part of making life tolerable.
+ -- Bergan Evans
+%
+Lysistrata had a good idea.
+%
+Ma Bell is a mean mother!
+%
+MAC user's dynamic debugging list evaluator? Never heard of that.
+%
+"Mach was the greatest intellectual fraud in the last ten years."
+"What about X?"
+"I said `intellectual'."
+ ;login, 9/1990
+%
+Machine-independent program:
+ A program that will not run on any machine.
+%
+Machines have less problems. I'd like to be a machine.
+ -- Andy Warhol
+%
+Machines that have broken down will work perfectly when the
+repairman arrives.
+%
+macho, adj.:
+ Jogging home from your vasectomy.
+%
+Macho does not prove mucho.
+ -- Zsa Zsa Gabor
+%
+MAD:
+ Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence.
+%
+Madam, there's no such thing as a tough child --
+if you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender.
+ -- W.C. Fields
+%
+Madison's Inquiry:
+ If you have to travel on the Titanic, why not go first class?
+%
+Madness takes its toll.
+%
+Magary's Principle:
+ When there is a public outcry to cut deadwood and fat from any
+ government bureaucracy, it is the deadwood and the fat that do
+ the cutting, and the public's services are cut.
+%
+Magic is always the best solution -- especially reliable magic.
+%
+Magnet, n.: Something acted upon by magnetism.
+
+Magnetism, n.: Something acting upon a magnet.
+
+The two preceding definitions are condensed from the works of one
+thousand eminent scientists, who have illuminated the subject with a
+great white light, to the inexpressible advancement of human knowledge.
+%
+MAGNOCARTIC:
+ Any automobile that, when left unattended, attracts shopping carts.
+ -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
+%
+magnocartic, adj:
+ Any automobile that, when left unattended, attracts shopping
+ carts.
+ -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
+%
+MAGPIE:
+ A bird whose thievish disposition suggested
+ to someone that it might be taught to talk.
+ -- A. Bierce
+%
+MAIDEN AUNT:
+ A girl who never had the sense to say "uncle."
+%
+Maiden, n:
+ A young person of the unfair sex addicted to clewless conduct and
+ views that madden to crime. The genus has a wide geographical
+ distribution, being found wherever sought and deplored wherever found.
+ The maiden is not altogether unpleasing to the eye, nor (without her
+ piano and her views) insupportable to the ear, though in respect to
+ comeliness distinctly inferior to the rainbow, and, with regard to
+ the part of her that is audible, beaten out of the field by the
+ canary -- which, also, is more portable.
+
+Male, n:
+ A member of the unconsidered, or negligible sex. The male of the
+ human race is commonly known to the female as Mere Man. The genus
+ has two varieties: good providers and bad providers.
+ -- Ambrose Bierce
+%
+Maier's Law:
+ If the facts do not conform to the theory, they must be disposed of.
+ -- N.R. Maier, "American Psychologist", March 1960
+
+Corollaries:
+ 1. The bigger the theory, the better.
+ 2. The experiment may be considered a success if no more than
+ 50% of the observed measurements must be discarded to
+ obtain a correspondence with the theory.
+%
+Main's Law:
+ For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.
+%
+Maintainer's Motto:
+ If we can't fix it, it ain't broke.
+%
+Maj. Bloodnok: Seagoon, you're a coward!
+Seagoon: Only in the holiday season.
+Maj. Bloodnok: Ah, another Noel Coward!
+%
+Major premise:
+ Sixty men can do sixty times as much work as one man.
+Minor premise:
+ A man can dig a posthole in sixty seconds.
+Conclusion:
+ Sixty men can dig a posthole in one second.
+
+Secondary Conclusion:
+ Do you realize how many holes there would be if people
+ would just take the time to take the dirt out of them?
+%
+Majorities, of course, start with minorities.
+ -- Robert Moses
+%
+MAJORITY:
+ That quality that distinguishes a crime from a law.
+%
+Make a wish, it might come true.
+%
+Make headway at work. Continue to let things deteriorate at home.
+%
+Make it right before you make it faster.
+%
+Make no little plans; they have no magic to stir men's blood.
+ -- Daniel Hudson Burnham
+%
+Make sure your code does nothing gracefully.
+%
+Make war not sex. (It's safer.)
+%
+Making files is easy under the UNIX operating system. Therefore, users
+tend to create numerous files using large amounts of file space. It has
+been said that the only standard thing about all UNIX systems is the
+message-of-the-day telling users to clean up their files.
+ -- System V.2 administrator's guide
+%
+Malek's Law:
+ Any simple idea will be worded in the most complicated way.
+%
+MALPRACTICE:
+ The reason surgeons wear masks.
+%
+MAN:
+ An animal so lost in rapturous contemplation of what he thinks he
+ is as to overlook what he indubitably ought to be. His chief
+ occupation is extermination of other animals and his own species,
+ which, however, multiplies with such insistent rapidity as to infest
+ the whole habitable earth and Canada.
+ -- A. Bierce
+%
+Man and wife make one fool.
+%
+Man belongs wherever he wants to go.
+ -- Wernher von Braun
+%
+Man has always assumed that he is more intelligent than dolphins because
+he has achieved so much -- the wheel, New York, wars and so on -- while
+all the dolphins had ever done was muck about in the water having a good
+time. But, conversely, the dolphins had always believed that they were
+far more intelligent than man -- for precisely the same reasons.
+ -- D. Adams, "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
+%
+Man has made his bedlam; let him lie in it.
+ -- Fred Allen
+%
+Man has never reconciled himself to the ten commandments.
+%
+Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain.
+ -- Lily Tomlin
+%
+Man is a military animal,
+Glories in gunpowder, and loves parade.
+ -- P.J. Bailey
+%
+Man is a rational animal who always loses his temper when he
+is called upon to act in accordance with the dictates of reason.
+ -- Oscar Wilde
+%
+Man is an animal that makes bargains: no other animal does this--
+no dog exchanges bones with another.
+ -- Adam Smith
+%
+Man is by nature a political animal.
+ -- Aristotle
+%
+Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft...
+and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor.
+ -- Wernher von Braun
+%
+Man is the measure of all things.
+ -- Protagoras
+%
+Man is the only animal that blushes -- or needs to.
+ -- Mark Twain
+%
+Man is the only animal that can remain on friendly terms
+with the victims he intends to eat until he eats them.
+ -- Samuel Butler, 1835-1902
+%
+Man is the only animal that laughs and weeps;
+for he is the only animal that is struck with the
+difference between what things are and what they ought to be.
+ -- William Hazlitt
+%
+Man must shape his tools lest they shape him.
+ -- Arthur R. Miller
+%
+Man proposes, God disposes.
+ -- Thomas a Kempis
+%
+Man usually avoids attributing cleverness to somebody else --
+unless it is an enemy.
+ -- A. Einstein
+%
+Man who arrives at party two hours late
+will find he has been beaten to the punch.
+%
+Man who falls in blast furnace is certain to feel overwrought.
+%
+Man who falls in vat of molten optical glass makes spectacle of self.
+%
+Man who sleep in beer keg wake up stickey.
+%
+Man will never fly.
+Space travel is merely a dream.
+All aspirin is alike.
+%
+Management: How many feet do mice have?
+Reply: Mice have four feet.
+M: Elaborate!
+R: Mice have five appendages, and four of them are feet.
+M: No discussion of fifth appendage!
+R: Mice have five appendages; four of them are feet; one is a tail.
+M: What? Feet with no legs?
+R: Mice have four legs, four feet, and one tail per unit-mouse.
+M: Confusing -- is that a total of 9 appendages?
+R: Mice have four leg-foot assemblies and one tail assembly per body.
+M: Does not fully discuss the issue!
+R: Each mouse comes equipped with four legs and a tail. Each leg
+ is equipped with a foot at the end opposite the body; the tail
+ is not equipped with a foot.
+M: Descriptive? Yes. Forceful NO!
+R: Allotment of appendages for mice will be: Four foot-leg assemblies,
+ one tail. Deviation from this policy is not permitted as it would
+ constitute misapportionment of scarce appendage assets.
+M: Too authoritarian; stifles creativity!
+R: Mice have four feet; each foot is attached to a small leg joined
+ integrally with the overall mouse structural sub-system. Also
+ attached to the mouse sub-system is a thin tail, non-functional and
+ ornamental in nature.
+M: Too verbose/scientific. Answer the question!
+R: Mice have four feet.
+%
+MANAGEMENT:
+ The art of getting other people to do all the work.
+%
+MANAGER:
+ A man known for giving great meeting.
+%
+man-hour, n:
+ A sexist, obsolete measure of macho effort, equal to 60 Kiplings.
+%
+MANIC-DEPRESSIVE:
+ Easy glum, easy glow.
+%
+Mankind is poised midway between the gods and the beasts.
+ -- Plotinus
+%
+Manly's Maxim:
+ Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion
+ with confidence.
+%
+Man's horizons are bounded by his vision.
+%
+Man's reach must exceed his grasp, for why else the heavens?
+%
+Man's unique agony as a species consists in his perpetual
+conflict between the desire to stand out and the need to blend in.
+ -- Sydney J. Harris
+%
+manual, n:
+ A unit of documentation. There are always three or more on a given
+ item. One is on the shelf; someone has the others. The information
+ you need in in the others.
+ -- Ray Simard
+%
+Many a bum show has been saved by the flag.
+ -- George M. Cohan
+%
+Many a family tree needs trimming.
+%
+Many a long dispute between divines may thus be abridged: It is so. It
+is not so. It is so. It is not so.
+ -- Benjamin Franklin, "Poor Richard's Almanack"
+%
+Many a man that can't direct you to a corner drugstore will
+get a respectful hearing when age has further impaired his mind.
+ -- Finley Peter Dunne
+%
+Many a town that didn't have enough work to support a single lawyer
+can easily support two or more.
+%
+Many a writer seems to thing he is never profound
+except when he can't understand his own meaning.
+ -- George D. Prentice
+%
+Many are called, few are chosen.
+Fewer still get to do the choosing.
+%
+Many are called, few volunteer.
+%
+Many are cold, but few are frozen.
+%
+Many changes of mind and mood; do not hesitate too long.
+%
+Many companies that have made themselves dependent on [the equipment of a
+certain major manufacturer] (and in doing so have sold their soul to the
+devil) will collapse under the sheer weight of the unmastered complexity of
+their data processing systems.
+ -- Edsger W. Dijkstra, SIGPLAN Notices, Volume 17, Number 5
+%
+Many enraged psychiatrists are inciting a weary butcher. The butcher is
+weary and tired because he has cut meat and steak and lamb for hours and
+weeks. He does not desire to chant about anything with raving psychiatrists,
+but he sings about his gingivectomist, he dreams about a single cosmologist,
+he thinks about his dog. The dog is named Herbert.
+ -- Racter, "The Policeman's Beard is Half-Constructed"
+%
+Many hands make light work.
+ -- John Heywood
+%
+Many husbands go broke on the money their wives save on sales.
+%
+Many mental processes admit of being roughly measured. For instance,
+the degree to which people are bored, by counting the number of their
+fidgets. I not infrequently tried this method at the meetings of the
+Royal Geographical Society, for even there dull memoirs are occasionally
+read. [...] The use of a watch attracts attention, so I reckon time
+by the number of my breathings, of which there are 15 in a minute. They
+are not counted mentally, but are punctuated by pressing with 15 fingers
+successively. The counting is reserved for the fidgets. These observations
+should be confined to persons of middle age. Children are rarely still,
+while elderly philosophers will sometimes remain rigid for minutes altogether.
+ -- Francis Galton, 1909
+%
+Many of the characters are fools and they are always playing
+tricks on me and treating me badly.
+ -- Jorge Luis Borges, from "Writers on Writing" by Jon Winokur
+%
+Many of the convicted thieves Parker has met began their
+life of crime after taking college Computer Science courses.
+ -- Roger Rapoport, "Programs for Plunder", Omni, March 1981
+%
+Many pages make a thick book.
+%
+Many pages make a thick book, except for pocket Bibles which are on very
+very thin paper.
+%
+Many people are desperately looking for some wise advice
+which will recommend that they do what they want to do.
+%
+Many people are secretly interested in life.
+%
+Many people are unenthusiastic about their work.
+%
+Many people are unenthusiastic about your work.
+%
+Many people feel that if you won't let
+them make you happy, they'll make you suffer.
+%
+Many people feel that they deserve some kind of
+recognition for all the bad things they haven't done.
+%
+Many people resent being treated like the person they really are.
+%
+Many people write memos to tell you they have nothing to say.
+%
+Many receive advice, few profit by it.
+ -- Publilius Syrus
+%
+Many years ago in a period commonly know as Next Friday Afternoon,
+there lived a King who was very Gloomy on Tuesday mornings because he
+was so Sad thinking about how Unhappy he had been on Monday and how
+completely Mournful he would be on Wednesday....
+ -- Walt Kelly
+%
+Margaret, are you grieving
+Over Goldengrove unleaving?
+Leaves, like the things of man,
+You, with your fresh thoughts
+Care for, can you?
+Ah! as the heart grows older
+It will come to such sights colder
+By and by, nor spare a sigh
+Though worlds of wanwood leafmeal lie
+And yet you will weep and know why.
+Now no matter, child, the name
+Sorrow's springs are the same:
+It is the blight man was born for,
+It is Margaret you mourn for.
+ -- Gerard Manley Hopkins.
+%
+Marigold: Jealousy
+Mint: Virute
+Orange blossom: Your purity equals your loveliness
+Orchid: Beauty, magnificence
+Pansy: Thoughts
+Peach blossom: I am your captive
+Petunia: Your presence soothes me
+Poppy: Sleep
+Rose, any color: Love
+Rose, deep red: Bashful shame
+Rose, single, pink: Simplicity
+Rose, thornless, any: Early attachment
+Rose, white: I am worthy of you
+Rose, yellow: Decrease of love, rise of jealousy
+Rosebud, white: Girlhood, and a heart ignorant of love
+Rosemary: Rememberance
+Sunflower: Haughtiness
+Tulip, red: Declaration of love
+Tulip, yellow: Hopeless love
+Violet, blue: Faithfulness
+Violet, white: Modesty
+Zinnia: Thoughts of absent friends
+ * An upside-down blossom reverses the meaning.
+%
+Marijuana is nature's way of saying, "Hi!".
+%
+Marijuana will be legal some day, because the many law students
+who now smoke pot will someday become congressmen and legalize
+it in order to protect themselves.
+ -- Lenny Bruce
+%
+Mark's Dental-Chair Discovery:
+ Dentists are incapable of asking questions
+ that require a simple yes or no answer.
+%
+MARRIAGE:
+ An old, established institution, entered into by two people deeply
+ in love and desiring to make a commitment to each other expressing
+ that love. In short, commitment to an institution.
+%
+MARRIAGE:
+ Convertible bonds.
+%
+Marriage always demands the greatest understanding of the art of
+insincerity possible between two human beings.
+ -- Vicki Baum
+%
+Marriage causes dating problems.
+%
+Marriage, in life, is like a duel in the midst of a battle.
+ -- Edmond About
+%
+Marriage is a ghastly public confession of a strictly private intention.
+%
+Marriage is a great institution -- but I'm
+not ready for an institution yet.
+ -- Mae West
+%
+Marriage is a lot like the army, everyone complains, but you'd be
+surprised at the large number that re-enlist.
+ -- James Garner
+%
+Marriage is a romance in which the hero dies in the first chapter.
+%
+Marriage is a three ring circus:
+engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
+ -- Roger Price
+%
+Marriage is an institution in which two undertake
+to become one, and one undertakes to become nothing.
+%
+Marriage is based on the theory that when a man discovers a brand of beer
+exactly to his taste he should at once throw up his job and go to work
+in the brewery.
+ -- George Jean Nathan
+%
+Marriage is learning about women the hard way.
+%
+Marriage is like twirling a baton, turning handsprings, or eating with
+chopsticks. It looks easy until you try it.
+%
+Marriage is low down, but you spend the rest of your life paying for it.
+ -- Baskins
+%
+Marriage is not merely sharing the fettucine, but sharing the
+burden of finding the fettucine restaurant in the first place.
+ -- Calvin Trillin
+%
+Marriage is the only adventure open to the cowardly.
+ -- Voltaire
+%
+Marriage is the process of finding out what
+kind of man your wife would have preferred.
+%
+Marriage is the waste-paper basket of the emotions.
+%
+Marriage, n:
+ The evil aye.
+%
+Marriages are made in heaven and consummated on earth.
+ -- John Lyly
+%
+Marry in haste and everyone starts counting the months.
+%
+MARTA SAYS THE INTERESTING thing about fly-fishing is that its two lives
+connected by a thin strand.
+
+Come on, Marta, grow up.
+ -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
+%
+MARTA WAS WATCHING THE FOOTBALL GAME with me when she said, "You know most
+of these sports are based on the idea of one group protecting its
+territory from invasion by another group."
+
+"Yeah," I said, trying not to laugh. Girls are funny.
+ -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
+%
+Martin was probably ripping them off. That's some family, isn't it?
+Incest, prostitution, fanaticism, software.
+ -- Charles Willeford, "Miami Blues"
+%
+'Martyrdom' is the only way a person can become famous without ability.
+ -- George Bernard Shaw
+%
+Marvelous! The super-user's going to boot me!
+What a finely tuned response to the situation!
+%
+Marvin the Nature Lover spied a grasshopper hopping along in the grass,
+and in a mood for communing with nature, rare even among full-fledged
+Nature Lovers, he spoke to the grasshopper, saying: "Hello, friend
+grasshopper. Did you know they've named a drink after you?"
+ "Really?" replied the grasshopper, obviously pleased. "They've
+named a drink Fred?"
+%
+Marxist Law of Distribution of Wealth:
+ Shortages will be divided equally among the peasants.
+%
+Mary had a little lamb, its fleece was white as snow,
+And everywhere that Mary went, the lamb was sure to go.
+It followed her through rain or snow, lightning, sleet or hail.
+It fetched the evening paper, her slippers, and the mail.
+She never had a moments peace; the lamb was always on her heels,
+And on her feet its head would rest, while she ate her meals.
+It followed her to school one day, the devotion never ended.
+The lamb waltzed into her history class and Mary got suspended.
+The night she went to Senior Prom, she thought she had him beat,
+Until she heard a mournful "Baaa" coming from her car's seat.
+Oh, Mary had a little lamb, it surely didn't please her.
+So for dinner she had lambchops; the rest is in the freezer.
+ -- Alma Garcia
+%
+Maryann's Law:
+ You can always find what you're not looking for.
+%
+Maslow's Maxim:
+ If the only tool you have is a hammer,
+ you treat everything like a nail.
+%
+Mason's First Law of Synergism:
+The one day you'd sell your soul for something, souls are a glut.
+%
+Massachusetts has the best politicians money can buy.
+%
+Masturbation is the thinking man's television.
+ -- Christopher Hampton
+%
+Mate, this parrot wouldn't VOOM if you put four million volts through it!
+ -- Monty Python
+%
+Mater artium necessitas.
+ [Necessity is the mother of invention].
+%
+Maternity pay? Now every Tom, Dick and Harry will get pregnant.
+ -- Malcolm Smith
+%
+MATH AND ALCOHOL DON'T MIX!
+ Please, don't drink and derive.
+
+ Mathematicians
+ Against
+ Drunk
+ Deriving
+%
+Math is like love -- a simple idea but it can get complicated.
+ -- R. Drabek
+%
+mathematician, n:
+ Some one who believes imaginary things appear right before your i's.
+%
+Mathematicians are like Frenchmen: whatever you say to them they
+translate into their own language and forthwith it is something
+entirely different.
+ -- Goethe
+%
+Mathematicians are like Frenchmen: whatever you say to them they translate
+into their own language, and forthwith it is something entirely different.
+ -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
+%
+Mathematicians practice absolute freedom.
+ -- Henry Adams
+%
+Mathematicians take it to the limit.
+%
+Mathematics deals exclusively with the relations of concepts
+to each other without consideration of their relation to experience.
+ -- Albert Einstein
+%
+Mathematics is the only science where one never knows what
+one is talking about nor whether what is said is true.
+ -- Russell
+%
+Mathematics, rightly viewed, possesses not only truth but supreme beauty --
+a beauty cold and austere, like that of a sculpture, without appeal to any
+part of our weaker nature, without the gorgeous trapping of painting or music,
+yet sublimely pure, and capable of a stern perfection such as only the
+greatest art can show. The true spirit of delight, the exaltation, the sense
+of being more than man, which is the touchstone of the highest excellence, is
+to be found in mathematics as surely as in poetry.
+ -- Bertrand Russell
+%
+Matrimony is the root of all evil.
+%
+Matrimony isn't a word, it's a sentence.
+%
+Matter cannot be created or destroyed,
+nor can it be returned without a receipt.
+%
+Matter will be damaged in direct proportion to its value.
+%
+[Maturity consists in the discovery that] there comes a critical moment
+where everything is reversed, after which the point becomes to understand
+more and more that there is something which cannot be understood.
+ -- S. Kierkegaard
+%
+Maturity is only a short break in adolescence.
+ -- Jules Feiffer
+%
+Matz's Law:
+ A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
+%
+May a hundred thousand midgets invade your home singing cheezy lounge-lizard
+versions of songs from The Wizard of Oz.
+%
+May a Misguided Platypus lay its Eggs in your Jockey Shorts
+%
+May all your PUSHes be POPped.
+%
+May the bluebird of happiness twiddle your bits.
+%
+May the Fleas of a Thousand Camels infest one of your Erogenous Zones.
+%
+May the fleas of a thousand camels infest your armpits.
+%
+May those that love us love us; and those that don't love us, may
+God turn their hearts; and if he doesn't turn their hearts, may
+he turn their ankles so we'll know them by their limping.
+%
+May you die in bed at 95, shot by a jealous spouse.
+%
+May you have many beautiful and obedient daughters.
+%
+May you have many handsome and obedient sons.
+%
+May you have warm words on a cold evening,
+a full mooon on a dark night,
+and a smooth road all the way to your door.
+%
+May you live in uninteresting times.
+ -- Chinese proverb
+%
+May your camel be as swift as the wind.
+%
+May your SO always know when you need a hug.
+%
+May your Tongue stick to the Roof of your
+Mouth with the Force of a Thousand Caramels.
+%
+Maybe ain't ain't so correct, but I notice that
+lots of folks who ain't using ain't ain't eatin' well.
+ -- Will Rogers
+%
+Maybe Computer Science should be in the College of Theology.
+ -- R.S. Barton
+%
+Maybe Jesus was right when he said that the meek shall inherit the
+earth -- but they inherit very small plots, about six feet by three.
+ -- Lazarus Long
+%
+"Maybe we can get together and show off to each other sometimes."
+%
+"Maybe we should think of this as one perfect week... where we found each
+other, and loved each other... and then let each other go before anyone
+had to seek professional help."
+%
+Maybe you can't buy happiness, but
+these days you can certainly charge it.
+%
+May's Law:
+ The quality of correlation is inversly proportional to the density
+ of control. (The fewer the data points, the smoother the curves.)
+%
+McDonald's -- Because you're worth it.
+%
+McEwan's Rule of Relative Importance:
+ When traveling with a herd of elephants,
+ don't be the first to lie down and rest.
+%
+Meader's Law:
+ Whatever happens to you, it will previously
+ have happened to everyone you know, only more so.
+%
+Meade's Maxim:
+Always remember that you are absolutely unique,
+just like everyone else.
+%
+Meanehwael, baccat meaddehaele, monstaer lurccen;
+Fulle few too many drincce, hie luccen for fyht.
+[D]en Hreorfneorht[d]hwr, son of Hrwaerow[p]heororthwl,
+AEsccen aewful jeork to steop outsyd.
+[P]hud! Bashe! Crasch! Beoom! [D]e bigge gye
+Eallum his bon brak, byt his nose offe;
+Wicced Godsylla waeld on his asse.
+Monstaer moppe fleor wy[p] eallum men in haelle.
+Beowulf in bacceroome fonecall bemaccen waes;
+Hearen sond of ruccus saed, "Hwaet [d]e helle?"
+Graben sheold strang ond swich-blaed scharp
+Sond feorth to fyht [d]e grimlic foe.
+"Me," Godsylla saed, "mac [d]e minsemete."
+Heoro cwyc geten heold wi[p] faemed half-nelson
+Ond flyng him lic frisbe bac to fen.
+Beowulf belly up to meaddehaele bar,
+Saed, "Ne foe beaten mie faersom cung-fu."
+Eorderen cocca-colha yce-coeld, [d]e reol [p]yng.
+%
+Meantime, in the slums below Ronnie's Ranch, Cynthia feels as if some one
+has made voodoo boxen of her and her favorite backplanes. On this fine
+moonlit night, some horrible persona has been jabbing away at, dragging
+magnets over, and surging these voodoo boxen. Fortunately, they seem to
+have gotten a bit bored and fallen asleep, for it looks like Cynthia may
+get to go home. However, she has made note to quickly put together a totem
+of sweaty, sordid static straps, random bits of wire, flecks of once meaniful
+oxide, bus grant cards, gummy worms, and some bits of old pdp backplane to
+hang above the machine room. This totem must be blessed by the old and wise
+venerable god of unibus at once, before the idolatization of vme, q and pc
+bus drive him to bitter revenge. Alas, if this fails, and the voodoo boxen
+aren't destroyed, there may be more than worms in the apple. Next, the
+arrival of voodoo optico transmitigational magneto killer paramecium, capable
+of teleporting from cable to cable, screen to screen, ear to ear and hoof
+to mouth...
+%
+Measure twice, cut once.
+%
+Measure with a micrometer. Mark with chalk. Cut with an axe.
+%
+Mediocrity finds safety in standardization.
+ -- Frederick Crane
+%
+Meekness is uncommon patience in planning a worthwhile revenge.
+%
+Meester, do you vant to buy a duck?
+%
+Meeting:
+ An assembly of computer experts coming together to decide what
+ person or department not represented in the room must solve the
+ problem.
+%
+meeting, n:
+ An assembly of people coming together to decide what person or
+ department not represented in the room must solve a problem.
+%
+MEETINGS:
+ A place where minutes are kept and hours are lost.
+%
+Meetings are an addictive, highly self indulgent activity that
+corporations and other large organizations habitually engage
+in only because they cannot actually masturbate.
+ -- Dave Barry
+%
+MEMO:
+ An interoffice communication too often written more for
+ the benefit of the person who sends it than the person
+ who receives it.
+%
+MEMORIES OF MY FAMILY MEETINGS still are a source of strength to me. I
+remember we'd all get into the car -- I forget what kind it was -- and
+drive and drive.
+
+I'm not sure where we'd go, but I think there were some bees there. The
+smell of something was strong in the air as we played whatever sport we
+played. I remember a bigger, older guy whom we called "Dad." We'd eat
+some stuff or not and then I think we went home.
+
+I guess some things never leave you.
+ -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
+%
+Memory fault -- brain fried
+%
+Memory fault -- core...uh...um...core... Oh dammit, I forget!
+%
+Memory fault - where am I?
+%
+Memory should be the starting point of the present.
+%
+Men are always ready to respect anything that bores them.
+ -- Marilyn Monroe
+%
+Men are amused by almost any idiot thing -- that is why professional ice
+hockey is so popular -- so buying gifts for them is easy. But you should
+never buy them clothes. Men believe they already have all the clothes they
+will ever need, and new ones make them nervous. For example, your average
+man has 84 ties, but he wears, at most, only three of them. He has learned,
+through humiliating trial and error, that if he wears any of the other 81
+ties, his wife will probably laugh at him ("You're not going to wear THAT
+tie with that suit, are you?"). So he has narrowed it down to three safe
+ties, and has gone several years without being laughed at. If you give him
+a new tie, he will pretend to like it, but deep inside he will hate you.
+ If you want to give a man something practical, consider tires. More
+than once, I would have gladly traded all the gifts I got for a new set
+of tires.
+ -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"
+%
+Men are superior to women.
+ -- The Koran
+%
+Men are those creatures with two legs and eight hands.
+ -- Jayne Mansfield
+%
+Men aren't attracted to me by my mind.
+They're attracted by what I don't mind...
+ -- Gypsy Rose Lee
+%
+Men freely believe that what they wish to desire.
+ -- Julius Caesar
+%
+Men have a much better time of it than women; for one
+thing they marry later; for another thing they die earlier.
+ -- H.L. Mencken
+%
+Men have as exaggerated an idea of their
+rights as women have of their wrongs.
+ -- E.W. Howe
+%
+Men live for three things, fast cars, fast women and fast food.
+%
+Men love to wonder, and that is the seed of science.
+%
+Men never make passes at girls wearing glasses.
+ -- Dorothy Parker
+%
+Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them
+pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing had happened.
+ -- Winston Churchill
+%
+Men of lofty genius when they are doing the least work are most active.
+ -- Leonardo da Vinci
+%
+Men of quality are not afraid of women for equality.
+%
+Men often believe -- or pretend -- that the "Law" is something sacred, or
+at least a science -- an unfounded assumption very convenient to governments.
+%
+Men ought to know that from the brain and from the brain only arise our
+pleasures, joys, laughter, and jests as well as our sorrows, pains, griefs
+and tears. ... It is the same thing which makes us mad or delirious,
+inspires us with dread and fear, whether by night or by day, brings us
+sleeplessness, inopportune mistakes, aimless anxieties, absent-mindedness
+and acts that are contrary to habit...
+ -- Hippocrates "The Sacred Disease"
+%
+Men say of women what pleases them; women do with men what pleases them.
+ -- DeSegur
+%
+Men seldom show dimples to girls who have pimples.
+%
+Men still remember the first kiss after women have forgotten the last.
+%
+Men take only their needs into consideration -- never their abilities.
+ -- Napoleon Bonaparte
+%
+Men use thought only to justify their wrong doings,
+and speech only to conceal their thoughts.
+ -- Voltaire
+%
+Men were real men, women were real women, and small, furry creatures
+from Alpha Centauri were REAL small, furry creatures from Alpha Centauri.
+Spirits were brave, men boldly split infinitives that no man had split
+before. Thus was the Empire forged.
+ -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
+%
+Men who cherish for women the highest
+respect are seldom popular with them.
+ -- Joseph Addison
+%
+Mencken and Nathan's Second Law of The Average American:
+ All the postmasters in small towns read all the postcards.
+
+Mencken and Nathan's Ninth Law of The Average American:
+ The quality of a champagne is judged by the
+ amount of noise the cork makes when it is popped.
+
+Mencken and Nathan's Fifteenth Law of The Average American:
+ The worst actress in the company is always the manager's wife.
+
+Mencken and Nathan's Sixteenth Law of The Average American:
+ Milking a cow is an operation demanding a special talent that
+ is possessed only by yokels, and no person born in a large city
+ can ever hope to acquire it.
+%
+Mene, mene, tekel, upharsen.
+%
+Mental power tended to corrupt, and absolute intelligence tended to
+corrupt absolutely, until the victim eschewed violence entirely in
+favor of smart solutions to stupid problems.
+ -- Piers Anthony
+%
+Mental things which have not gone in through the
+senses are vain and bring forth no truth except detrimental.
+ -- Leonardo
+%
+MENU:
+ A list of dishes which the restaurant has just run out of.
+%
+Meskimen's Law:
+ There's never time to do it right, but there's always time to
+ do it over.
+%
+Message from Our Sponsor on ttyTV at 13:58 ...
+%
+Message will arrive in the mail.
+Destroy, before the FBI sees it.
+%
+METEOROLOGIST:
+ One who doubts the established fact that it is
+ bound to rain if you forget your umbrella.
+%
+Metermaids eat their young.
+%
+Mickey Mouse wears a Spiro Agnew watch.
+%
+MICRO:
+ Thinker toys.
+%
+Micro Credo:
+ Never trust a computer bigger than you can lift.
+%
+Microbiology Lab: Staph Only!
+%
+Microwaves frizz your heir.
+%
+Mieux vaut tard que jamais!
+%
+Might as well be frank, monsieur. It would take a miracle to
+get you out of Casablanca and the Germans have outlawed miracles.
+ -- Casablanca
+%
+Miksch's Law:
+ If a string has one end, then it has another end.
+%
+Militant agnostic: I don't know, and you don't either.
+%
+Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
+ -- Groucho Marx
+%
+Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
+ -- Groucho Marx
+%
+Miller's Slogan:
+ Lose a few, lose a few.
+%
+millihelen, adj:
+ The amount of beauty required to launch one ship.
+%
+Millions long for immortality who do not know what
+to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon.
+ -- Susan Ertz
+%
+Millions of sensible people are too high-minded to concede that politics is
+almost always the choice of the lesser evil. "Tweedledum and Tweedledee,"
+they say. "I will not vote." Having abstained, they are presented with a
+President who appoints the people who are going to rummage around in their
+lives for the next four years. Consider all the people who sat home in a
+stew in 1968 rather than vote for Hubert Humphrey. They showed Humphrey.
+Those people who taught Hubert Humphrey a lesson will still be enjoying the
+Nixon Supreme Court when Tricia and Julie begin to find silver threads among
+the gold and the black.
+ -- Russel Baker, "Ford without Flummery"
+%
+Mind! I don't mean to say that I know, of my own knowledge, what there is
+particularly dead about a door-nail. I might have been inclined, myself,
+to regard a coffin-nail as the deadest piece of ironmongery in the trade.
+But the wisdom of our ancestors is in the simile; and my unhallowed hands
+shall not disturb it, or the Country's done for. You will therefore permit
+me to repeat, emphatically, that Marley was as dead as a door-nail.
+%
+"Mind if I smoke?"
+ "I don't care if you burst into flames and die!"
+%
+"Mind if I smoke?"
+ "Yes, I'd like to see that, does it come out of your ears or what?"
+%
+Mind your own business, Spock.
+I'm sick of your halfbreed interference.
+%
+Mind your own business, then you don't mind mine.
+%
+Minicomputer:
+ A computer that can be afforded on the budget of a middle-level
+ manager.
+%
+Minnesota --
+ home of the blonde hair and blue ears.
+ mosquito supplier to the free world.
+ come fall in love with a loon.
+ where visitors turn blue with envy.
+ one day it's warm, the rest of the year it's cold.
+ land of many cultures -- mostly throat.
+ where the elite meet sleet.
+ glove it or leave it.
+ many are cold, but few are frozen.
+ land of the ski and home of the crazed.
+ land of 10,000 Petersons.
+%
+Minnie Mouse is a slow maze learner.
+%
+MIPS:
+ Meaningless Indicator of Processor Speed
+%
+Mirrors should reflect a little before throwing back images.
+ -- Jean Cocteau
+%
+Misery loves company, but company does not reciprocate.
+%
+Misery no longer loves company.
+Nowadays it insists on it.
+ -- Russell Baker
+%
+MISFORTUNE:
+ The kind of fortune that never misses.
+%
+Misfortunes arrive on wings and leave on foot.
+%
+MISS:
+ A title with which we brand unmarried
+ women to indicate that they are in the market.
+%
+Mistakes are oft the stepping stones to utter failure.
+%
+Mistrust first impulses; they are always right.
+%
+MIT:
+ The Georgia Tech of the North
+%
+Mitchell's Law of Committees:
+ Any simple problem can be made insoluble
+ if enough meetings are held to discuss it.
+%
+mittsquinter, adj:
+ A ballplayer who looks into his glove after missing the ball, as
+ if, somehow, the cause of the error lies there.
+ -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
+%
+Mix a little foolishness with your serious plans;
+it's lovely to be silly at the right moment.
+ -- Horace
+%
+mixed emotions:
+ Watching a bus-load of lawyers plunge off a cliff.
+ With five empty seats.
+%
+Mix's Law:
+ There is nothing more permanent than a temporary building.
+ There is nothing more permanent than a temporary tax.
+%
+Mobius strippers never show you their back side.
+%
+MOCK APPLE PIE (No Apples Needed)
+
+ Pastry to two crust 9-inch pie 36 RITZ Crackers
+2 cups water 2 cups sugar
+2 teaspoons cream of tartar 2 tablespoons lemon juice
+ Grated rind of one lemon Butter or margarine
+ Cinnamon
+
+Roll out bottom crust of pastry and fit into 9-inch pie plate. Break
+RITZ Crackers coarsley into pastry-lined plate. Combine water, sugar
+and cream of tartar in saucepan, boil gently for 15 minutes. Add lemon
+juice and rind. Cool. Pour this syrup over Crackers, dot generously
+with butter or margarine and sprinkle with cinnamon. Cover with top
+crust. Trim and flute edges together. Cut slits in top crust to let
+steam escape. Bake in a hot oven (425 F) 30 to 35 minutes, until crust
+is crisp and golden. Serve warm. Cut into 6 to 8 slices.
+ -- Found lurking on a Ritz Crackers box
+%
+Modeling paged and segmented memories is tricky business.
+ -- P.J. Denning
+%
+modem, adj:
+ Up-to-date, new-fangled, as in "Thoroughly Modem Millie." An
+ unfortunate byproduct of kerning.
+%
+Moderation in all things.
+ -- Publius Terentius Afer [Terence]
+%
+Moderation is a fatal thing. Nothing succeeds like excess.
+ -- Oscar Wilde
+%
+Modern art is what happens when painters stop looking at girls and persuade
+themselves that they have a better idea.
+ -- John Ciardi
+%
+Modern man is the missing link between apes and human beings.
+%
+Modern psychology takes completely for granted that behavior and neural
+function are perfectly correlated, that one is completely caused by the
+other. There is no separate soul or lifeforce to stick a finger into the
+brain now and then and make neural cells do what they would not otherwise.
+Actually, of course, this is a working assumption only. ... It is quite
+conceivable that someday the assumption will have to be rejected. But it
+is important also to see that we have not reached that day yet: the working
+assumption is a necessary one and there is no real evidence opposed to it.
+Our failure to solve a problem so far does not make it insoluble. One cannot
+logically be a determinist in physics and biology, and a mystic in psychology.
+ -- D.O. Hebb, "Organization of Behavior: A Neuropsychological
+ Theory", 1949
+%
+MODESTY:
+ Being comfortable that others will discover your greatness.
+%
+Modesty is a vastly overrated virtue.
+ -- J.K. Galbraith
+%
+Modesty: the gentle art of enhancing your charm by pretending
+ not to be aware of it.
+ -- Oliver Herford
+%
+Moe: Wanna play poker tonight?
+Joe: I can't. It's the kids' night out.
+Moe: So?
+Joe: I gotta stay home with the nurse.
+%
+Moe: What did you give your wife for Valentine's Day?
+Joe: The usual gift -- she ate my heart out.
+%
+Moebius always does it on the same side.
+%
+Mohandas K. Gandhi often changed his mind publicly. An aide once asked him
+how he could so freely contradict this week what he had said just last week.
+The great man replied that it was because this week he knew better.
+%
+Moishe Margolies, who weighed all of 105 pounds and stood an even five feet
+in his socks, was taking his first airplane trip. He took a seat next to a
+hulking bruiser of a man who happened to be the heavyweight champion of
+the world. Little Moishe was uneasy enough before he even entered the plane,
+but now the roar of the engines and the great height absolutely terrified him.
+So frightened did he become that his stomach turned over and he threw up all
+over the muscular giant siting beside him. Fortunately, at least for Moishe,
+the man was sound asleep. But now the little man had another problem. How in
+the world would he ever explain the situation to the burly brute when he
+awakened? The sudden voice of the stewardess on the plane's intercom, finally
+woke the bruiser, and Moishe, his heart in his mouth, rose to the occasion.
+ "Feeling better now?" he asked solicitously.
+%
+MOLECULE:
+ The ultimate, indivisible unit of matter. It is distinguished from
+ the corpuscle, also the ultimate, indivisible unit of matter, by a
+ closer resemblance to the atom, also the ultimate, indivisible unit
+ of matter... The ion differs from the molecule, the corpuscle and
+ the atom in that it is an ion...
+%
+Mollison's Bureaucracy Hypothesis:
+ If an idea can survive a bureaucratic review
+ and be implemented it wasn't worth doing.
+%
+MOMENTUM:
+ What you give a person when they are going away.
+%
+Mommy, what happens to your files when you die?
+%
+Mom's Law:
+ When they finally do have to take you to the
+ hospital, your underwear won't be clean or new.
+%
+MONDAY:
+ In Christian countries, the day after the football game.
+ -- Ambrose Bierce
+%
+Monday is an awful way to spend one seventh of your life.
+%
+Money and women are the most sought after and the least known of any two
+things we have.
+ -- The Best of Will Rogers
+%
+Money cannot buy love, nor even friendship.
+%
+Money cannot buy
+The fuel of love
+but is excellent kindling.
+
+To the man-in-the-street, who, I'm sorry to say,
+Is a keen observer of life,
+The word intellectual suggests right away
+A man who's untrue to his wife.
+ -- W.H. Auden, "Collected Shorter Poems"
+%
+Money can't buy happiness, but it can make you
+awfully comfortable while you're being miserable.
+ -- C.B. Luce
+%
+Money can't buy love, but it improves your bargaining position.
+ -- Christopher Marlowe
+%
+Money doesn't talk, it swears.
+ -- Bob Dylan
+%
+Money is a powerful aphrodisiac. But flowers work almost as well.
+ -- Lazarus Long
+%
+Money is its own reward.
+%
+Money is the root of all evil, and man needs roots.
+%
+Money is the root of all wealth.
+%
+Money is truthful. If a man speaks of his honor, make him pay cash.
+ -- Lazarus Long
+%
+Money isn't everything -- but it's a long way ahead of what comes next.
+ -- Sir Edmond Stockdale
+%
+Money may buy friendship but money cannot buy love.
+%
+Money may not buy happiness, but it sure
+puts you in a great bargaining position.
+%
+Money will say more in one moment than
+the most eloquent lover can in years.
+%
+Moneyliness is next to Godliness.
+ -- Andries van Dam
+%
+Monogamy is the Western custom of one wife and hardly any mistresses.
+ -- H.H. Munro
+%
+MONOTONY:
+ Marriage to one woman at a time.
+%
+MONTANA:
+ A grizzly bear praying for the early arrival of cable television.
+%
+MONTANA:
+ Where forty-three below keeps out the riff-raff.
+%
+Monterey... is decidedly the pleasantest and most civilized-looking place
+in California ... [it] is also a great place for cock-fighting, gambling
+of all sorts, fandangos, and various kinds of amusements and knavery.
+ -- Richard Henry Dama, "Two Years Before the Mast", 1840
+%
+moon, n:
+ 1. A celestial object whose phase is very important to
+hackers. See PHASE OF THE MOON. 2. Dave Moon (MOON@MC).
+%
+Moore's Constant:
+ Everybody sets out to do something, and everybody
+ does something, but no one does what he sets out to do.
+%
+MOPHOBIA:
+ Fear of being verbally abused by a Mississippian.
+%
+mophobia, n:
+ Fear of being verbally abused by a Mississippian.
+%
+More are taken in by hope than by cunning.
+ -- Vauvenargues
+%
+More people are flattered into virtue than bullied out of vice.
+ -- R.S. Surtees
+%
+More people died at Chappaquidick than at 3-mile island.
+%
+More people have died in Ted Kennedy's car than in nuclear power plants.
+%
+MORE SPORTS RESULTS:
+The Beverly Hills Freudians tied the Chicago Rogerians 0-0 last Saturday
+night. The match started with a long period of silence while the Freudians
+waited for the Rogerians to free associate and the Rogerians waited for
+the Freudians to say something they could paraphrase. The stalemate was
+broken when the Freudians' best player took the offensive and interpreted
+the Rogerians' silence as reflecting their anal-retentive personalities.
+At this the Rogerians' star player said "I hear you saying you think we're
+full of ka-ka." This started a fight and the match was called by officials.
+%
+More than any time in history, mankind now faces a crossroads. One path
+leads to despair and utter hopelessness, the other to total extinction.
+Let us pray that we have the wisdom to choose correctly.
+ -- Woody Allen, "Side Effects"
+%
+Morris had been down on his luck for months, and, though not a devoutly
+religious man, had begun to visit the local synagogue to ask God's help.
+One week, out of desperation, he prayed, "God, I've been a good and decent
+man all my life. Would it be so terrible if You let me win the lottery
+just once?"
+ The despondent fellow returned week after week. One day, Morris,
+nearly hopeless now, prayed, "God, I've never asked You for anything before.
+I just want to win one little lottery."
+ "As he dejectedly rose to leave, God's voice boomed, "Morris, at
+least meet Me halfway on this. Buy a ticket!"
+%
+Morton's Law:
+ If rats are experimented upon, they will develop cancer.
+%
+Mos Eisley Spaceport; you'll not find a more
+wretched collection of villainy and disreputable types...
+ -- Obi-wan Kenobi, "Star Wars"
+%
+Mosher's Law of Software Engineering:
+ Don't worry if it doesn't work right.
+ If everything did, you'd be out of a job.
+%
+MOSQUITO:
+ The state bird of New Jersey.
+%
+Most burning issues generate far more heat than light.
+%
+Most folks they like the daytime,
+ 'cause they like to see the shining sun.
+They're up in the morning,
+ off and a-running till they're too tired for having fun.
+But when the sun goes down,
+ and the bright lights shine, my daytime has just begun.
+
+Now there are two sides to this great big world,
+ and one of them is always night.
+If you can take care of business in the sunshine, baby,
+ I guess you're gonna be all right.
+Don't come looking for me to lend you a hand.
+ My eyes just can't stand the light.
+
+'Cause I'm a night owl honey, sleep all day long.
+ -- Carly Simon
+%
+Most general statements are false, including this one.
+ -- Alexander Dumas
+%
+Most of our lives are about proving something,
+either to ourselves or to someone else.
+%
+Most of the fear that spoils our life comes from attacking
+difficulties before we get to them.
+ -- Dr. Frank Crane
+%
+...most of us learned about love the hard way. Even warnings are probably
+useless, for somehow, despite the severest warnings of parents and friends,
+hundreds, thousands of women have forgotten themselves at the last minute
+and succumbed to the lies, promises, flatteries, or mere attentions of
+lusting, lovely men, landing themselves in complicated predicaments from
+which some of them never recovered during their entire lives. And I am not
+speaking only of your teenaged Midwesterners in 1958; I'm speaking of women
+of every age in every city in every year. The notorious sexual revolution
+has saved no one from the pain and confusion of love.
+ -- Alix Kates Shulman
+%
+Most of your faults are not your fault.
+%
+Most people are too busy to have time for anything important.
+%
+Most people are unable to write because they are unable to think, and
+they are unable to think because they congenitally lack the equipment
+to do so, just as they congenitally lack the equipment to fly over the
+moon.
+ -- H.L. Mencken
+%
+Most people can do without the essentials, but not without the luxuries.
+%
+Most people deserve each other.
+ -- Shirley
+%
+Most people don't need a great deal of love
+nearly so much as they need a steady supply.
+%
+Most people eat as though they were fattening themselves for market.
+ -- E.W. Howe
+%
+Most people feel that everyone is entitled to their opinion.
+%
+Most people have a furious itch to talk about themselves and are restrained
+only by the disinclination of others to listen. Reserve is an artificial
+quality that is developed in most of us as the result of innumerable rebuffs.
+ -- W.S. Maugham
+%
+Most people have a mind that's open by appointment only.
+%
+Most people have two reasons for doing anything --
+a good reason, and the real reason.
+%
+Most people in this society who aren't actively mad are,
+at best, reformed or potential lunatics.
+ -- Susan Sontag
+%
+Most people need some of their problems
+to help take their mind off some of the others.
+%
+Most people prefer certainty to truth.
+%
+Most people want either less corruption
+or more of a chance to participate in it.
+%
+Most people will listen to your unreasonable demands,
+if you'll consider their unacceptable offer.
+%
+Most people's favorite way to end a game is by winning.
+%
+Most public domain software is free, at least at first glance.
+%
+Most rock journalism is people who can't write interviewing people who
+can't talk for people who can't read.
+ -- Frank Zappa
+%
+Most seminars have a happy ending. Everyone's glad when they're over.
+%
+Most Texans think Hanukkah is some sort of duck call.
+ -- Richard Lewis
+%
+MOTHER:
+ Half a word.
+%
+Mother Earth is not flat!
+%
+Mother said there would be days like this, but she never said that
+there would be so many.
+%
+Mother said there would be days like this, but she never said there
+would be so many.
+%
+Mother told me to be good but she's been wrong before.
+%
+Mothers all want their sons to grow up to be President, but they
+don't want them to become politicians in the process.
+ -- John F. Kennedy
+%
+Mothers of large families (who claim to common sense)
+Will find a Tiger will repay the trouble and expense.
+ -- Hilaire Belloc, "The Tiger"
+%
+Mount St. Helens should have used earth control.
+%
+MOUNT TAPE U1439 ON B3, NO RING
+%
+Mountain Dew and doughnuts... because breakfast is the most important meal
+of the day.
+%
+Mr. Cole's Axiom:
+ The sum of the intelligence on the planet is a constant; the
+ population is growing.
+%
+Mr. Rockford? This is Betty Joe Withers. I got four shirts of yours from
+the Bo Peep Cleaners by mistake. I don't know why they gave me men's
+shirts but they're going back.
+%
+Mr. Rockford? You don't know me, but I'd like to hire you. Could
+you call me at... My name is... uh... Never mind, forget it!
+%
+Mr. Rockford; Miss Collins from the Bureau of Licenses. We got your
+renewal before the extended deadline but not your check. I'm sorry but
+at midnight you're no longer licensed as an investigator.
+%
+Mr. Rockford, this is the Thomas Crown School of Dance and Contemporary
+Etiquette. We aren't going to call again! Now you want these free
+lessons or what?
+%
+Mr. Salter's side of the conversation was limited to expressions of assent.
+When Lord Copper was right he said "Definitely, Lord Copper"; when he was
+wrong, "Up to a point."
+ "Let me see, what's the name of the place I mean? Capital of Japan?
+Yokohama isn't it?"
+ "Up to a point, Lord Copper."
+ "And Hong Kong definitely belongs to us, doesn't it?"
+ "Definitely, Lord Copper."
+ -- Evelyn Waugh, "Scoop"
+%
+MSDOS is not dead, it just smells that way.
+ -- Henry Spencer
+%
+Much of the excitement we get out of our work
+is that we don't really know what we are doing.
+ -- Edsger W. Dijkstra
+%
+Much to his Mum and Dad's dismay, Horace ate himself one day.
+He didn't stop to say his grace, he just sat down and ate his face.
+"We can't have this!" his Dad declared, "If that lad's ate, he should
+ be shared."
+But even as he spoke they saw Horace eating more and more:
+First his legs and then his thighs, his arms, his nose, his hair, his eyes...
+"Stop him someone!" Mother cried, "Those eyeballs would be better fried!"
+But all too late, for they were gone, and he had started on his dong...
+"Oh! foolish child!" the father mourns "You could have deep-fried that
+ with prawns,
+Some parsley and and some tartar sauce..."
+But H. was on his second course: his liver and his lights and lung,
+His ears, his neck, his chin, his tongue; "To think I raised him from the cot,
+And now he's going to scoff the lot!"
+His Mother cried: "What shall we do? What's left won't even make a stew..."
+And as she wept, her son was seen, to eat his head, his heart his spleen.
+and there he lay: a boy no more, just a stomach on the floor...
+None the less, since it *was* his, they ate it -- that's what haggis is.
+%
+Multics is security spelled sideways.
+%
+"Multiply in your head" (ordered the compassionate Dr. Adams) "365,365,365,
+365,365,365 by 365,365,365,365,365,365". He [ten-year-old Truman Henry
+Safford] flew around the room like a top, pulled his pantaloons over the
+tops of his boots, bit his hands, rolled his eyes in their sockets, sometimes
+smiling and talking, and then seeming to be in an agony, until, in not more
+than one minute, said he, 133,491,850,208,566,925,016,658,299,941,583,255!"
+An electronic computer might do the job a little faster but it wouldn't be
+as much fun to watch.
+ -- James R. Newman, "The World of Mathematics"
+%
+MUMMY:
+ An Egyptian who was pressed for time.
+%
+Mummy dust to make me old;
+To shroud my clothes, the black of night;
+To age my voice, an old hag's cackle;
+To whiten my hair, a scream of fright;
+A blast of wind to fan my hate;
+A thunderbolt to mix it well --
+Now begin thy magic spell!
+ -- The Evil Queen, "Snow White"
+%
+Mummy dust to make me old;
+To shroud my clothes, the black of night;
+To age my voice, an old hag's cackle;
+To whiten my hair, a scream of fright;
+A blast of wind to fan my hate;
+A thunderbolt to mix it well --
+Now begin thy magic spell!
+ -- Walter Disney, "Snow White"
+%
+Mum's the word.
+ -- Miguel de Cervantes
+%
+Mundus vult decipi decipiatur ergo.
+ -- Xaviera Hollander
+
+[The world wants to be cheated, so cheat.]
+%
+Murder is always a mistake -- one should never do anything one cannot
+talk about after dinner.
+ -- Oscar Wilde, "The Picture of Dorian Gray"
+%
+Murphy was an optimist.
+%
+Murphy's Law is recursive. Washing your car to make it rain doesn't work.
+%
+Murphy's Law of Research:
+ Enough research will tend to support your theory.
+%
+Murphy's Law, that brash proletarian restatement of Godel's Theorem.
+ -- Thomas Pynchon, "Gravity's Rainbow"
+%
+Murphy's Laws:
+ (1) If anything can go wrong, it will.
+ (2) Nothing is as easy as it looks.
+ (3) Everything takes longer than you think it will.
+%
+Murray's Rule:
+ Any country with "democratic" in the title isn't.
+%
+Music in the soul can be heard by the universe.
+ -- Lao Tsu
+%
+Must be getting close to town -- we're hitting more people.
+%
+Must I hold a candle to my shames?
+ -- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice"
+%
+MUSTGO:
+ Any item of food that has been sitting in the
+ refrigerator so long it has become a science project.
+ -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
+%
+My advice to you, my violent friend, is to seek out gold and sit on it.
+ -- The Dragon to Grendel, in John Gardner's "Grendel"
+%
+My analyst told me that I was right out of my head,
+ But I said, "Dear Doctor, I think that it is you instead.
+Because I have got a thing that is unique and new,
+ To prove it I'll have the last laugh on you.
+'Cause instead of one head -- I've got two.
+
+And you know two heads are better than one.
+%
+My best argument against discrimination is quite simple:
+
+Does it really matter if the ABC people are inferior to the DEF people if
+they can tell one end of a gun from the other?
+%
+My Bonnie looked into a gas tank,
+The height of its contents to see!
+She lit a small match to assist her,
+Oh, bring back my Bonnie to me.
+%
+My boy is mean kid. I came home the other day and saw him taping worms
+to the sidewalk, he sits there and watches the birds get hernias. Well,
+only last Christmas I gave him a B-B gun and he gave me a sweatshirt with
+a bulls-eye on the back.
+
+I told my kids, "Someday, you'll have kids of your own." One of them
+said, "So will you."
+ -- Rodney Dangerfield
+%
+My brain is my second favorite organ.
+ -- Woody Allen
+%
+My brother sent me a postcard the other day with this big sattelite photo
+of the entire earth on it. On the back it said: "Wish you were here".
+ -- Steven Wright
+%
+My calculator is my shepherd, I shall not want
+It maketh me accurate to ten significant figures,
+ and it leadeth me in scientific notation to 99 digits.
+It restoreth my square roots and guideth me along paths of floating
+ decimal points for the sake of precision.
+Yea, tho I walk through the valley of surprise quizzes,
+ I will fear no prof, for my calculator is there to hearten me.
+It prepareth a log table to comfort me, it prepareth an
+ arc sin for me in the presence of my teachers.
+It annoints my homework with correct solutions, my interpolations are
+ over.
+Surely, both precision and accuracy shall follow me all the days of my
+ life, and I shall dwell in the house of Texas instruments forever.
+%
+My central memory of that time seems to hang on one or five or maybe forty
+nights -- or very early mornings -- when I left the Fillmore half-crazy and,
+instead of going home, aimed the big 650 Lightning across the Bay Bridge at
+a hundred miles an hour ... booming through the Treasure Island tunnel at
+the lights of Oakland and Berkeley and Richmond, not quite sure which
+turnoff to take when I got to the other end ... but being absolutely certain
+that no matter which way I went I would come to a place where people were
+just as high and wild as I was: no doubt at all about that.
+ -- Hunter S. Thompson
+%
+"My country, right or wrong" is a thing that no patriot would think
+of saying, except in a desperate case. It is like saying "My mother,
+drunk or sober."
+ -- G.K. Chesterton, "The Defendant"
+%
+"My country right or wrong" is like saying, "My mother drunk or
+sober."
+ -- G.K. Chesterton
+%
+My cup hath runneth'd over with love.
+%
+My darling wife was always glum.
+I drowned her in a cask of rum,
+And so made sure that she would stay
+In better spirits night and day.
+%
+My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four.
+Unless there are three other people.
+ -- Orson Welles
+%
+My doctorate's in Literature, but it seems like a pretty good pulse to me.
+%
+My experience with government is when things are non-controversial,
+beautifully co-ordinated and all the rest, it must be that not much
+is going on.
+ -- J.F. Kennedy
+%
+My family history begins with me, but yours ends with you.
+ -- Iphicrates
+%
+My father, a good man, told me, "Never lose
+your ignorance; you cannot replace it."
+ -- Erich Maria Remarque
+%
+My father taught me three things:
+ 1: Never mix whiskey with anything but water.
+ 2: Never try to draw to an inside straight.
+ 3: Never discuss business with anyone who refuses to give his name.
+%
+My father was a God-fearing man, but he never
+missed a copy of the New York Times, either.
+ -- E.B. White
+%
+My father was a saint, I'm not.
+ -- Indira Gandhi
+%
+My favorite sandwich is peanut butter, baloney, cheddar cheese, lettuce
+and mayonnaise on toasted bread with catsup on the side.
+ -- Senator Hubert Humphrey
+%
+My first basename is George "Catfish" Metkovich from our 1952 Pittsburgh
+Pirates team, which lost 112 games. After a terrible series against the
+New York Giants, in which our center fielder made three throwing errors
+and let two balls get through his legs, manager Billy Meyer pleaded, "Can
+somebody think of something to help us win a game?"
+ "I'd like to make a suggestion," Metkovich said. "On any ball hit
+to center field, let's just let it roll to see if it might go foul."
+ -- Joe Garagiola, "It's Anybody's Ball Game"
+%
+My folks didn't come over on the Mayflower,
+but they were there to meet the boat.
+%
+My friend has a baby. I'm writing down all the noises he makes so
+later I can ask him what he meant.
+ -- Stephen Wright
+%
+My geometry teacher was sometimes acute, and sometimes obtuse,
+but always, always, he was right.
+%
+My girlfriend and I sure had a good time at the beach last summer. First
+she'd bury me in the sand, then I'd bury her. This summer I'm going to go
+back and dig her up.
+%
+"My God! Are we sure he was a liberal?"
+"Pretty sure. They pulled him from a Volvo."
+%
+My God, I'm depressed! Here I am, a computer with a mind a thousand times
+as powerful as yours, doing nothing but cranking out fortunes and sending
+mail about softball games. And I've got this pain right through my ALU.
+I've asked for it to be replaced, but nobody ever listens. I think it
+would be better for us both if you were to just log out again.
+%
+My, how you've changed since I've changed.
+%
+My idea of roughing it is when room service is late.
+%
+My idea of roughing it turning the air conditioner too low.
+%
+My interest is in the future because I am
+going to spend the rest of my life there.
+%
+My love, he's mad, and my love, he's fleet,
+ And a wild young wood-thing bore him!
+The ways are fair to his roaming feet,
+ And the skies are sunlit for him.
+As sharply sweet to my heart he seems
+ As the fragrance of acacia.
+My own dear love, he is all my dreams --
+ And I wish he were in Asia.
+ -- Dorothy Parker, part 2
+%
+My love runs by like a day in June,
+ And he makes no friends of sorrows.
+He'll tread his galloping rigadoon
+ In the pathway or the morrows.
+He'll live his days where the sunbeams start
+ Nor could storm or wind uproot him.
+My own dear love, he is all my heart --
+ And I wish somebody'd shoot him.
+ -- Dorothy Parker, part 3
+%
+My method is to take the utmost trouble to find the right
+thing to say. And then say it with the utmost levity.
+ -- G.B. Shaw
+%
+My mind can never know my body, although
+it has become quite friendly with my legs.
+ -- Woody Allen, on Epistemology
+%
+My mother drinks to forget she drinks.
+ -- Crazy Jimmy
+%
+My mother loved children -- she would
+have given anything if I had been one.
+ -- Groucho Marx
+%
+My mother once said to me, "Elwood," (she always called me Elwood)
+"Elwood, in this world you must be oh so smart or oh so pleasant."
+For years I tried smart. I recommend pleasant.
+ -- Elwood P. Dowde, "Harvey"
+%
+My mother wants grandchildren, so I said, "Mom, go for it!"
+ -- Sue Murphy
+%
+My My, hey hey
+Rock and roll is here to stay The king is gone but he's not forgotten
+It's better to burn out This is the story of a Johnny Rotten
+Than to fade away It's better to burn out than it is to rust
+My my, hey hey The king is gone but he's not forgotten
+
+It's out of the blue and into the black Hey hey, my my
+They give you this, but you pay for that Rock and roll can never die
+And once you're gone you can never come back There's more to the picture
+When you're out of the blue Than meets the eye
+And into the black
+ -- Neil Young
+ "My My, Hey Hey (Out of the Blue), Rust Never Sleeps"
+%
+My notion of a husband at forty is that a woman should
+be able to change him, like a bank note, for two twenties.
+%
+My only love sprung from my only hate!
+Too early seen unknown, and known too late!
+ -- William Shakespeare, "Romeo and Juliet"
+%
+My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
+%
+My own business always bores me to death; I prefer other people's.
+ -- O. Wilde
+%
+My own dear love, he is strong and bold
+ And he cares not what comes after.
+His words ring sweet as a chime of gold,
+ And his eyes are lit with laughter.
+He is jubilant as a flag unfurled --
+ Oh, a girl, she'd not forget him.
+My own dear love, he is all my world --
+ And I wish I'd never met him.
+ -- Dorothy Parker, part 1
+%
+My own life has been spent chronicling the rise and fall of human systems,
+and I am convinced that we are terribly vulnerable. ... We should be
+reluctant to turn back upon the frontier of this epoch. Space is indifferent
+to what we do; it has no feeling, no design, no interest in whether or not
+we grapple with it. But we cannot be indifferent to space, because the grand,
+slow march of intelligence has brought us, in our generation, to a point
+from which we can explore and understand and utilize it. To turn back now
+would be to deny our history, our capabilities.
+ -- James A. Michener
+%
+"My pants just went on a wild rampage through a Long Island Bowling Alley!!"
+ -- Zippy the Pinhead
+%
+My parents went to Niagra Falls and all I got was this crummy life.
+%
+My pen is at the bottom of a page,
+Which, being finished, here the story ends;
+'Tis to be wished it had been sooner done,
+But stories somehow lengthen when begun.
+ -- Byron
+%
+My philosophy is: Don't think.
+ -- Charles Manson
+%
+My problem lies in reconciling my gross habits with my net income.
+ -- Errol Flynn
+
+Any man who has $10,000 left when he dies is a failure.
+ -- Errol Flynn
+%
+My rackets are run on strictly American
+lines, and they're going to stay that way.
+ -- A. Capone
+%
+My religion consists of a humble admiration of the illimitable superior
+spirit who reveals himself in the slight details we are able to perceive
+with our frail and feeble mind.
+ -- Albert Einstein
+%
+My ritual differs slightly. What I do, first thing [in the morning], is I
+hop into the shower stall. Then I hop right back out, because when I hopped
+in I landed barefoot right on top of See Threepio, a little plastic robot
+character from "Star Wars" whom my son, Robert, likes to pull the legs off
+of while he showers. Then I hop right back into the stall because our dog,
+Earnest, who has been alone in the basement all night building up powerful
+dog emotions, has come bounding and quivering into the bathroom and wants
+to greet me with 60 or 70 thousand playful nips, any one of which -- bear
+in mind that I am naked and, without my contact lenses, essentially blind
+-- could result in the kind of injury where you have to learn a whole new
+part if you want to sing the "Messiah," if you get my drift. Then I hop
+right back out, because Robert, with that uncanny sixth sense some children
+have -- you cannot teach it; they either have it or they don't -- has chosen
+exactly that moment to flush one of the toilets. Perhaps several of them.
+ -- Dave Barry
+%
+My schoolmates would make love to anything that moved, but I never saw any
+reason to limit myself.
+ -- Emo Philips
+%
+My sister opened a computer store in Hawaii.
+She sells C shells by the seashore.
+%
+My soul is crushed, my spirit sore
+I do not like me anymore,
+I cavil, quarrel, grumble, grouse,
+I ponder on the narrow house
+I shudder at the thought of men
+I'm due to fall in love again.
+ -- Dorothy Parker, "Enough Rope"
+%
+My theology, briefly, is that the universe was dictated but not signed.
+ -- Christopher Morley
+%
+My uncle was the town drunk -- and we lived in Chicago.
+ -- George Gobel
+%
+My way of joking is to tell the truth.
+That's the funniest joke in the world.
+ -- Muhammad Ali
+%
+My weight is perfect for my height -- which varies.
+%
+Mystics always hope that science will some day overtake them.
+ -- Booth Tarkington
+%
+mythology, n:
+ The body of a primitive people's beliefs, concerning its origin,
+ early history, heroes, deities and so forth, as distinguished
+ from the true accounts which it invents later.
+ -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+%
+Naches (rhymes with Bach' us, with "Bach" pronounced like the composer)
+is what every Jewish parent wants from their children, lots of good
+returns, good grades, good spouse, good grandchildren.
+
+So, now that you all understand naches, the joke:
+
+Two Jewish women are sitting having coffee.
+ "So, how's your daughter?"
+ "Oh, Rachel! She's fine, she just married a dentist!"
+ "Really? Isn't she the one that married the lawyer?"
+ "Yes, that's my Rachel."
+ "That's... that's nice. But isn't she the same one that married
+ the doctor?"
+ "Yes, that's her!"
+ "But didn't she marry a bank executive before that?"
+ "Yes, yes!"
+ "Ahhh. So much naches from one child!"
+%
+Nachman's Rule:
+ When it comes to foreign food, the less authentic the better.
+ -- Gerald Nachman
+%
+Nadia Comaneci, simple perfection.
+ -- '76 Olympics
+%
+'Naomi, sex at noon taxes.' I moan.
+Never odd or even.
+A man, a plan, a canal, Panama.
+Madam, I'm Adam.
+Sit on a potato pan, Otis.
+ -- The Mad Palindromist
+%
+NAPOLEON: What shall we do with this soldier, Guiseppe?
+ Everything he says is wrong.
+GUISEPPE: Make him a general, Excellency,
+ and then everything he says will be right.
+
+ -- G.B. Shaw
+%
+narcolepulacyi, n:
+ The contagious action of yawning, causing everyone in sight
+ to also yawn.
+ -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
+%
+Nasrudin called at a large house to collect for charity. The servant said
+"My master is out." Nasrudin replied, "Tell your master that next time he
+goes out, he should not leave his face at the window. Someone might steal
+it."
+%
+Nasrudin returned to his village from the imperial capital, and the villagers
+gathered around to hear what had passed. "At this time," said Nasrudin, "I
+only want to say that the King spoke to me." All the villagers but the
+stupidest ran off to spread the wonderful news. The remaining villager
+asked, "What did the King say to you?" "What he said -- and quite distinctly,
+for everyone to hear -- was 'Get out of my way!'" The simpleton was overjoyed;
+he had heard words actually spoken by the King, and seen the very man they
+were spoken to.
+%
+Nasrudin walked into a shop one day, and the owner came forward to serve
+him. Nasrudin said, "First things first. Did you see me walk into your
+shop?"
+ "Of course."
+ "Have you ever seen me before?"
+ "Never."
+ "Then how do you know it was me?"
+%
+Nasrudin walked into a teahouse and declaimed, "The moon is more useful
+than the sun."
+ "Why?", he was asked.
+ "Because at night we need the light more."
+%
+Nasrudin was carrying home a piece of liver and the recipe for liver pie.
+Suddenly a bird of prey swooped down and snatched the piece of meat from
+his hand. As the bird flew off, Nasrudin called after it, "Foolish bird!
+You have the liver, but what can you do with it without the recipe?"
+%
+National security is in your hands - guard it well.
+%
+Natural laws have no pity.
+%
+Naturally the common people don't want war... but after all it is the leaders
+of a country who determine the policy, and it is always a simple matter to
+drag the people along, whether it is a democracy, or a fascist dictatorship,
+or a parliament, or a communist dictatorship. Voice or no voice, the people
+can always be brought to the bidding of the leaders. That is easy. All you
+have to do is tell them they are being attacked, and denounce the pacifists
+for lack of patriotism and exposing the country to danger. It works the same
+in every country.
+ -- Hermann Goering
+%
+Nature abhors a hero. For one thing, he violates the law of conservation
+of energy. For another, how can it be the survival of the fittest when the
+fittest keeps putting himself in situations where he is most likely to be
+creamed?
+ -- Solomon Short
+%
+Nature abhors a virgin -- a frozen asset.
+ -- Clare Booth Luce
+%
+Nature always sides with the hidden flaw.
+%
+Nature and nature's laws lay hid in night,
+God said, "Let Newton be," and all was light.
+
+It did not last; the devil howling "Ho!
+Let Einstein be!" restored the status quo.
+%
+Nature has given women so much power that the law has very wisely
+given them little.
+ -- Dr. Samuel Johnson
+%
+Nature is by and large to be found out of doors, a location where,
+it cannot be argued, there are never enough comfortable chairs.
+ -- Fran Lebowitz
+%
+Nature makes boys and girls lovely to look upon so they can be
+tolerated until they acquire some sense.
+ -- William Phelps
+%
+Nature to all things fixed the limits fit,
+And wisely curbed proud man's pretending wit.
+As on the land while here the ocean gains,
+In other parts it leaves wide sandy plains;
+Thus in the soul while memory prevails,
+The solid power of understanding fails;
+Where beams of warm imagination play,
+The memory's soft figures melt away.
+ -- Alexander Pope (on runtime bounds checking?)
+%
+Nature, to be commanded, must be obeyed.
+ -- Francis Bacon
+%
+Near the Studio Jean Cocteau
+On the Rue des Ecoles
+lived an old man
+with a blind dog
+Every evening I would see him
+guiding the dog along
+the sidewalk, keeping
+a firm grip on the leash
+so that the dog wouldn't
+run into a passerby
+Sometimes the dog would stop
+and look up at the sky
+Once the old man
+noticed me watching the dog
+and he said, "Oh, yes,
+this one knows
+when the moon is out,
+he can feel it on his face"
+ -- Barry Gifford
+%
+Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you
+want to test a man's character, give him power.
+ -- Abraham Lincoln
+%
+Nearly every complex solution to a programming problem that I
+have looked at carefully has turned out to be wrong.
+ -- Brent Welch
+%
+Necessity has no law.
+ -- St. Augustine
+%
+Necessity hath no law.
+ -- Oliver Cromwell
+%
+Necessity is a mother.
+%
+"Necessity is the mother of invention" is a silly proverb. "Necessity
+is the mother of futile dodges" is much nearer the truth.
+ -- Alfred North Whitehead
+%
+Necessity is the plea for every infringement of human freedom.
+It is the argument of tyrants; it is the creed of slaves.
+ -- William Pitt, 1783
+%
+Neckties strangle clear thinking.
+ -- Lin Yutang
+%
+Needs are a function of what other people have.
+%
+Negative expectations yield negative results.
+Positive expectations yield negative results.
+%
+Neglect of duty does not cease, by repetition, to be neglect of duty.
+ -- Napoleon
+%
+Neil Armstrong tripped.
+%
+Neither spread the germs of gossip nor encourage others to do so.
+%
+Nemo me impune lacessit
+ [No one provokes me with impunity]
+ -- Motto of the Crown of Scotland
+%
+nerd pack, n:
+ Plastic pouch worn in breast pocket to keep pens from soiling
+ clothes. Nerd's position in engineering hierarchy can be
+ measured by number of pens, grease pencils, and rulers bristling
+ in his pack.
+%
+Neuroses are red,
+ Melancholia's blue.
+I'm schizophrenic,
+ What are you?
+%
+Neurotics build castles in the sky,
+Psychotics live in them,
+And psychiatrists collect the rent.
+%
+Neutrinos are into physicists.
+%
+Neutrinos have bad breadth.
+%
+neutron bomb, n:
+ An explosive device of limited military value because, as
+ it only destroys people without destroying property, it
+ must be used in conjunction with bombs that destroy property.
+%
+Never accept an invitation from a stranger unless he gives you candy.
+ -- Linda Festa
+%
+Never appeal to a man's "better nature." He may not have one.
+Invoking his self-interest gives you more leverage.
+ -- Lazarus Long
+%
+Never argue with a fool -- people might not be able to tell the difference.
+%
+Never argue with a man who buys ink by the barrel.
+%
+Never argue with a woman when she's tired -- or rested.
+%
+Never ask the barber if you need a haircut.
+%
+Never ask two questions in a business letter. The reply will discuss
+the one you are least interested, and say nothing about the other.
+%
+Never be afraid to tell the world who you are.
+ -- Anonymous
+%
+Never be led astray onto the path of virtue.
+%
+Never buy from a rich salesman.
+ -- Goldenstern
+%
+Never buy what you do not want
+because it is cheap; it will be dear to you.
+ -- Thomas Jefferson
+%
+Never call a man a fool. Borrow from him.
+%
+Never count your chickens before they rip your lips off.
+%
+Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.
+%
+Never do today what you can put off until tomorrow.
+%
+Never drink Coca-Cola in a moving elevator. The elevator's motion coupled
+with the chemicals in Coke produce hallucinations. People tend to change
+into lizards and attack without warning, and large bats usually fly in the
+window. (Additionally, you begin to believe that elevators have windows.)
+%
+Never drink from your finger bowl -- it contains only water.
+%
+Never eat anything bigger than your head.
+%
+Never eat at a place called Mom's. Never play cards with a man named Doc.
+And never lie down with a woman who's got more troubles than you.
+ -- Nelson Algren, "What Every Young Man Should Know"
+%
+Never eat more than you can lift.
+ -- Miss Piggy
+%
+Never, ever lie to someone you love unless you're
+absolutely sure they'll never find out the truth.
+%
+Never explain. Your friends do not need it
+and your enemies will never believe you anyway.
+ -- Elbert Hubbard
+%
+Never face facts; if you do you'll never get up in the morning.
+ -- Marlo Thomas
+%
+Never forget what a man says to you when he is angry.
+%
+Never frighten a small man -- he'll kill you.
+%
+Never get into fights with ugly people because they have nothing to lose.
+%
+Never give an inch!
+%
+Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
+ -- Erma Bombeck
+%
+Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
+ -- Phyllis Diller, "Phyllis Diller's Housekeeping Hints"
+%
+Never have children, only grandchildren.
+ -- Gore Vidal
+%
+Never have so many understood so little about so much.
+ -- James Burke
+%
+Never hit a man with glasses; hit him with a baseball bat.
+%
+Never insult an alligator until you've crossed the river.
+%
+Never invest your money in anything that eats or needs repainting.
+ -- Billy Rose
+%
+Never keep up with the Joneses. Drag them down to your level.
+ -- Quentin Crisp
+%
+Never kick a man, unless he's down.
+%
+Never laugh at live dragons.
+ -- Bilbo Baggins
+%
+Never leave anything to chance;
+make sure all your crimes are premeditated.
+%
+Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.
+ -- Erma Bombeck
+%
+Never let someone who says it cannot be done
+interrupt the person who is doing it.
+%
+Never let your sense of morals prevent you from doing what is right.
+ -- Salvor Hardin, "Foundation"
+%
+Never look a gift horse in the mouth.
+ -- Saint Jerome
+%
+Never look up when dragons fly overhead.
+%
+Never make anything simple and efficient when a
+way can be found to make it complex and wonderful.
+%
+Never offend people with style when you can offend them with substance.
+ -- Sam Brown, "The Washington Post", January 26, 1977
+%
+Never offend with style when you can offend with substance.
+%
+Never pay a compliment as if expecting a receipt.
+%
+Never play pool with anyone named "Fats".
+%
+Never promise more than you can perform.
+ -- Publilius Syrus
+%
+Never put off till run-time what you can do at compile-time.
+ -- D. Gries
+%
+Never put off till tomorrow what you can avoid all together.
+%
+Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after.
+%
+Never raise your hand to your children -- it leaves your midsection
+unprotected.
+ -- Robert Orben
+%
+Never reveal your best argument.
+%
+Never say "Oops" in an operating room.
+%
+Never say you know a man until you have divided an inheritance with him.
+%
+Never sleep with a woman whose troubles are worse than your own.
+ -- Nelson Algren
+%
+Never speak ill of yourself, your friends will always say enough on
+that subject.
+ -- Charles-Maurice De Talleyrand
+%
+NEVER swerve to hit a lawyer riding a bicycle -- it might be your bicycle.
+%
+Never tell. Not if you love your wife ... In fact, if your old lady walks
+in on you, deny it. Yeah. Just flat out and she'll believe it: "I'm
+tellin' ya. This chick came downstairs with a sign around her neck `Lay
+On Top Of Me Or I'll Die'. I didn't know what I was gonna do..."
+ -- Lenny Bruce
+%
+Never tell people how to do things. Tell them WHAT to
+do and they will surprise you with their ingenuity.
+ -- Gen. George S. Patton, Jr.
+%
+Never test for an error condition you don't know how to handle.
+ -- Steinbach
+%
+Never trust a child farther than you can throw it.
+%
+Never trust a computer you can't repair yourself.
+%
+Never trust an automatic pistol or a D.A.'s deal.
+ -- John Dillinger
+%
+Never trust an operating system.
+%
+Never trust anybody whose arm is bigger than your leg.
+%
+Never trust anyone who says money is no object.
+%
+Never try to explain computers to a layman. It's easier to explain
+sex to a virgin.
+ -- Robert Heinlein
+
+(Note, however, that virgins tend to know a lot about computers.)
+%
+Never try to outstubborn a cat.
+ -- Lazarus Long
+%
+Never try to teach a pig to sing.
+It wastes your time and annoys the pig.
+%
+Never underestimate the bandwidth of a station wagon full of tapes.
+%
+Never underestimate the power of human stupidity.
+%
+Never use "etc." -- it makes people think there is more where
+there is not or that there is not space to list it all, etc.
+%
+Never volunteer for anything.
+ -- Lackland
+%
+Never worry about theory as long as the
+machinery does what it's supposed to do.
+ -- R.A. Heinlein
+%
+new, adj:
+ Different color from previous model.
+%
+New crypt. See /usr/news/crypt.
+%
+New England Life, of course. Why?
+%
+New England Life, of course. Why do you ask?
+%
+New members are urgently needed in the Society
+for Prevention of Cruelty to Yourself. Apply within.
+%
+New release:
+ Abortions are becoming so popular in some countries that the waiting
+ time to get one is lengthening rapidly. Experts predict that at this
+ rate there will soon be an up to a one year wait.
+%
+New systems generate new problems.
+%
+New Year's Eve is the time of year when a man most feels his
+age, and his wife most often reminds him to act it.
+ -- Webster's Unafraid Dictionary
+%
+New York now leads the world's great cities in the number of people around
+whom you shouldn't make a sudden move.
+ -- David Letterman
+%
+New York-- to that tall skyline I come
+Flyin' in from London to your door
+New York-- lookin' down on Central Park
+Where they say you should not wander after dark.
+New York.
+ -- Simon and Garfunkle
+%
+New York's got the ways and means, just won't let you be.
+%
+Newlan's Truism:
+ An "acceptable" level of unemployment means that the
+ government economist to whom it is acceptable still has a job.
+%
+Newman's Discovery:
+ Your best dreams may not come true;
+ fortunately, neither will your worst dreams.
+%
+Newpaper editors are men who separate the wheat from the chaff, and then
+print the chaff.
+ -- Adlai Stevenson
+%
+NEWS FLASH!!
+ Today the East German pole-vault champion
+ became the West German pole-vault champion.
+%
+news: gotcha
+%
+NEWSFLASH!!
+ Rodney Fenster looked up the shaft of elevator number four at
+1700 N. 17th St. this morning to see if the elevator was on its way down.
+It was. Age 31.
+%
+Newton's Little-Known Seventh Law:
+ A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead.
+%
+Next Friday will not be your lucky day.
+As a matter of fact, you don't have a lucky day this year.
+%
+Nice boy, but about as sharp as a sack of wet mice.
+ -- Foghorn Leghorn
+%
+Nice guys don't finish nice.
+%
+Nice guys finish last.
+ -- Leo Durocher
+%
+Nice guys finish last, but we get to sleep in.
+ -- Evan Davis
+%
+Nice guys get sick.
+%
+Nick the Greek's Law of Life:
+ All things considered, life is 9 to 5 against.
+%
+Nietzsche is pietzsche.
+%
+Nietzsche is pietzsche, Goethe is murder.
+%
+Nietzsche says that we will live the same life, over and over again.
+God -- I'll have to sit through the Ice Capades again.
+ -- Woody Allen, "Hannah and Her Sisters"
+%
+Nihilism should commence with oneself.
+%
+Niklaus Wirth has lamented that, whereas Europeans pronounce his
+name correctly (Ni-klows Virt), Americans invariably mangle it into
+(Nick-les Worth). Which is to say that Europeans call him by name,
+but Americans call him by value.
+%
+Nine megs for the secretaries fair,
+Seven megs for the hackers scarce,
+Five megs for the grads in smoky lairs,
+Three megs for system source;
+
+One disk to rule them all,
+One disk to bind them,
+One disk to hold the files
+And in the darkness grind 'em.
+%
+Nine-track tapes and seven-track tapes
+And tapes without any tracks;
+Stretchy tapes and snarley tapes
+And tapes mixed up on the racks --
+ Take hold of the tape
+ And pull off the strip,
+ And then you'll be sure
+ Your tape drive will skip.
+
+ -- Uncle Colonel's Cursory Rhymes
+%
+Ninety percent of the politicians give the other ten percent a bad reputation.
+ -- Henry Kissinger
+%
+Ninety percent of the time things turn out worse than you thought they
+would. The other ten percent of the time you had no right to expect
+that much.
+ -- Augustine
+%
+Ninety-Ninety Rule of Project Schedules:
+ The first ninety percent of the task takes ninety percent of
+ the time, and the last ten percent takes the other ninety percent.
+%
+Nirvana? That's the place where the powers
+that be and their friends hang out.
+ -- Zonker Harris
+%
+Nitwit ideas are for emergencies. You use them when you've got nothing
+else to try. If they work, they go in the Book. Otherwise you follow
+the Book, which is largely a collection of nitwit ideas that worked.
+ -- Larry Niven, "The Mote in God's Eye"
+%
+No act of kindness, no matter how small, is ever wasted.
+ -- Aesop
+%
+No amount of careful planning will ever replace dumb luck.
+%
+No amount of genius can overcome a preoccupation with detail.
+%
+No bird soars too high if he soars with his own wings.
+ -- William Blake
+%
+no brainer:
+ A decision which, viewed through the retrospectoscope,
+ is "obvious" to those who failed to make it originally.
+%
+No character, however upright, is a match for
+constantly reiterated attacks, however false.
+ -- Alexander Hamilton
+%
+No Civil War picture ever made a nickel.
+ -- MGM executive Irving Thalberg to Louis B. Mayer about
+ film rights to "Gone With the Wind".
+ Cerf/Navasky, "The Experts Speak"
+%
+No directory.
+%
+No discipline is ever requisite to force attendance upon
+lectures which are really worth the attending.
+ -- Adam Smith, "The Wealth of Nations"
+%
+No doubt Jack the Ripper excused himself
+on the grounds that it was human nature.
+%
+No, `Eureka' is Greek for `This bath is too hot.'
+ -- Dr. Who
+%
+No evil can happen to a good man.
+ -- Plato
+%
+No excellent soul is exempt from a mixture of madness.
+ -- Aristotle
+%
+No extensible language will be universal.
+ -- T. Cheatham
+%
+No friendship is so cordial or so delicious as that of girl for girl;
+no hatred so intense or immovable as that of woman for woman.
+ -- Landor
+%
+No good deed goes unpunished.
+ -- Clare Booth Luce
+%
+No group of professionals meets except to
+conspire against the public at large.
+ -- Mark Twain
+%
+No guest is so welcome in a friend's house that
+he will not become a nuisance after three days.
+ -- Titus Maccius Plautus
+%
+No guts, no glory.
+%
+No hardware designer should be allowed to produce any piece of hardware
+until three software guys have signed off for it.
+ -- Andy Tanenbaum
+%
+No, his mind is not for rent
+To any god or government.
+Always hopeful, yet discontent,
+He knows changes aren't permanent -
+But change is.
+%
+No house is childproofed unless the little darlings are in straitjackets.
+%
+No house should ever be on any hill or on anything.
+It should be of the hill, belonging to it.
+ -- Frank Lloyd Wright
+%
+No, I don't have a drinking problem.
+I drink, I get drunk, I fall down. No problem!
+%
+No, I'm not interested in developing a powerful brain. All I'm after is
+just a mediocre brain, something like the president of American Telephone
+and Telegraph Company.
+ -- Alan Turing on the possibilities of a thinking
+ machine, 1943.
+%
+No is no negative in a woman's mouth.
+ -- Sidney
+%
+"No job too big; no fee too big!"
+ -- Dr. Peter Venkman, "Ghost-busters"
+%
+No line available at 300 baud.
+%
+No live organism can continue for long to exist sanely under conditions of
+absolute reality; even larks and katydids are supposed, by some, to dream.
+Hill House, not sane, stood by itself against its hills, holding darkness
+within; it had stood so for eighty years and might stand for eighty more.
+Within, walls continued upright, bricks met neatly, floors were firm, and
+doors were sensibly shut; silence lay steadily against the wood and stone
+of Hill House, and whatever walked there, walked alone.
+ -- Shirley Jackson, "The Haunting of Hill House"
+%
+no maintenance:
+ Impossible to fix.
+%
+No man can have a reasonable opinion of women until he has long lost
+interest in hair restorers.
+ -- Austin O'Malley
+%
+No man in the world has more courage than the man who can stop after eating
+one peanut.
+ -- Channing Pollock
+%
+No man is an Iland, intire of it selfe; every man is a peece of the
+Continent, a part of the maine; if a Clod bee washed away by the Sea,
+Europe is the lesse, as well as if a Promontorie were, as well as if
+a Mannor of thy friends or of thine owne were; any mans death diminishes
+me, because I am involved in Mankinde; And therefore never send to know
+for whom the bell tolls; It tolls for thee.
+ -- John Donne, "No Man is an Iland"
+%
+No man is an island, but some of us are long peninsulas.
+%
+No man is an island if he's on at least one mailing list.
+%
+No man is useless who has a friend,
+and if we are loved we are indispensable.
+ -- Robert Louis Stevenson
+%
+No man would listen to you talk if he didn't know it was his turn next.
+ -- E.W. Howe
+%
+No man's ambition has a right to stand in
+the way of performing a simple act of justice.
+ -- John Altgeld
+%
+No Marxist can deny that the interests of socialism are higher
+than the interests of the right of nations to self-determination.
+ -- Lenin, 1918
+%
+No matter how celebrated the beauty of a woman, I would never spend a night
+with her. The only celebrity with whom I would share a night is Max Planck.
+But he is dead. So I live like a monk, aside from a little self gratification
+in the afternoons.
+ -- Salvador Dali
+%
+No matter how cynical you get, it's impossible to keep up.
+%
+No matter how much you do you never do enough.
+%
+No matter how old a mother is, she watches her middle-aged children for
+signs of improvement.
+ -- Florida Scott-Maxwell
+%
+No matter how subtle the wizard, a knife in the shoulder blades will seriously
+cramp his style.
+%
+No matter what happens, there is always someone who knew it would.
+%
+No matter where I go, the place is always called "here".
+%
+No matter who you are, some scholar can show you
+the great idea you had was had by someone before you.
+%
+No matther whether th' constitution follows th' flag or not,
+th' supreme court follows th' iliction returns.
+ -- Mr. Dooley
+%
+No modern woman with a grain of sense ever sends little notes to an
+unmarried man -- not until she is married, anyway.
+ -- Arthur Binstead
+%
+No, my friend, the way to have good and safe government, is not to trust it
+all to one, but to divide it among the many, distributing to every one exactly
+the functions he is competent to. It is by dividing and subdividing these
+republics from the national one down through all its subordinations, until it
+ends in the administration of every man's farm by himself; by placing under
+every one what his own eye may superintend, that all will be done for the best.
+ -- Thomas Jefferson, to Joseph Cabell, 1816
+%
+No one becomes depraved in a moment.
+ -- Decimus Junius Juvenalis
+%
+No one can feel as helpless as the owner of a sick goldfish.
+%
+No one can have a higher opinion of him than I have, and I think he's a
+dirty little beast.
+ -- W.S. Gilbert
+%
+No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.
+ -- Eleanor Roosevelt
+%
+No one can put you down without your full cooperation.
+%
+No one gets sick on Wednesdays.
+%
+No one knows like a woman how to say
+things that are at once gentle and deep.
+ -- Hugo
+%
+No one knows what he can do till he tries.
+ -- Publilius Syrus
+%
+No one regards what is before his feet; we all gaze at the stars.
+ -- Quintus Ennius
+%
+No one so thoroughly appreciates the value of constructive criticism as the
+one who's giving it.
+ -- Hal Chadwick
+%
+NO OPIUM-SMOKING IN THE ELEVATORS
+ -- sign in the Rand Hotel, New York, 1907
+%
+No pig should go sky diving during monsoon
+For this isn't really the norm.
+But should a fat swine try to soar like a loon,
+So what? Any pork in a storm.
+
+No pig should go sky diving during monsoon,
+It's risky enough when the weather is fine.
+But to have a pig soar when the monsoon doth roar
+Cast even more perils before swine.
+%
+No plain fanfold paper could hold that fractal Puff --
+He grew so fast no plotting pack could shrink him far enough.
+Compiles and simulations grew so quickly tame
+And swapped out all their data space when Puff pushed his stack frame.
+ (refrain)
+Puff, he grew so quickly, while others moved like snails
+And mini-Puffs would perch themselves on his gigantic tail.
+All the student hackers loved that fractal Puff
+But DCS did not like Puff, and finally said, "Enough!"
+ (refrain)
+Puff used more resources than DCS could spare.
+The operator killed Puff's job -- he didn't seem to care.
+A gloom fell on the hackers; it seemed to be the end,
+But Puff trapped the exception, and grew from naught again!
+ (refrain)
+Refrain:
+ Puff the fractal dragon was written in C,
+ And frolicked while processes switched in mainframe memory.
+ Puff the fractal dragon was written in C,
+ And frolicked while processes switched in mainframe memory.
+%
+No poet or novelist wishes he was the only one who ever lived, but most of
+them wish they were the only one alive, and quite a number fondly believe
+their wish has been granted.
+ -- W.H. Auden, "The Dyer's Hand"
+%
+No problem is insoluble in all conceivable circumstances.
+%
+No problem is so formidable that you can't just walk away from it.
+%
+No problem is so formidable that you can't just walk away from it.
+ -- C. Schulz
+%
+No problem is so large it can't be fit in somewhere.
+%
+"No program is perfect,"
+They said with a shrug.
+"The customer's happy--
+What's one little bug?"
+
+But he was determined, Then change two, then three more,
+The others went home. As year followed year.
+He dug out the flow chart And strangers would comment,
+Deserted, alone. "Is that guy still here?"
+
+Night passed into morning. He died at the console
+The room was cluttered Of hunger and thirst
+With core dumps, source listings. Next day he was buried
+"I'm close," he muttered. Face down, nine edge first.
+
+Chain smoking, cold coffee, And his wife through her tears
+Logic, deduction. Accepted his fate.
+"I've got it!" he cried, Said "He's not really gone,
+"Just change one instruction." He's just working late."
+ -- The Perfect Programmer
+%
+No proper program contains an indication which as an operator-applied
+occurrence identifies an operator-defining occurrence which as an
+indication-applied occurrence identifies an indication-defining occurrence
+different from the one identified by the given indication as an
+indication-applied occurrence.
+ -- ALGOL 68 Report
+%
+No question is so difficult as one to which the answer is obvious.
+%
+No rock so hard but that a little wave
+May beat admission in a thousand years.
+ -- Tennyson
+%
+No self-made man ever did such a good job
+that some woman didn't want to make some alterations.
+ -- Kim Hubbard
+%
+No skis take rocks like rental skis!
+%
+No small art is it to sleep: it is necessary
+for that purpose to keep awake all day.
+ -- Nietzsche
+%
+No snowflake in an avalanche ever feels responsible.
+%
+No sooner had Edger Allen Poe
+Finished his old Raven,
+then he started his Old Crow.
+%
+No sooner said than done -- so acts your man of worth.
+ -- Quintus Ennius
+%
+No spitting on the Bus!
+Thank you, The Management.
+%
+No television performance takes as much preparation as an off-the-cuff talk.
+ -- Richard Nixon
+%
+No two persons ever read the same book.
+ -- Edmund Wilson
+%
+No use getting too involved in life --
+you're only here for a limited time.
+%
+No violence, gentlemen -- no violence, I beg of you! Consider the furniture!
+ -- Sherlock Holmes
+%
+No woman can call herself free until she can choose consciously whether
+she will or will not be a mother.
+ -- Margaret H. Sanger
+%
+No woman can endure a gambling husband, unless he is a steady winner.
+ -- Lord Thomas Dewar
+%
+No woman ever falls in love with a man unless she has a better opinion of
+him than he deserves.
+ -- Edgar Watson Howe
+%
+No wonder Clairol makes so much money selling shampoo.
+Lather, Rinse, Repeat is an infinite loop!
+%
+No wonder you're tired! You understood so much today.
+%
+No yak too dirty; no dumpster too hollow.
+%
+Nobert Weiner was the subject of many dotty professor stories. Weiner was, in
+fact, very absent minded. The following story is told about him: when they
+moved from Cambridge to Newton his wife, knowing that he would be absolutely
+useless on the move, packed him off to MIT while she directed the move. Since
+she was certain that he would forget that they had moved and where they had
+moved to, she wrote down the new address on a piece of paper, and gave it to
+him. Naturally, in the course of the day, an insight occurred to him. He
+reached in his pocket, found a piece of paper on which he furiously scribbled
+some notes, thought it over, decided there was a fallacy in his idea, and
+threw the piece of paper away. At the end of the day he went home (to the
+old address in Cambridge, of course). When he got there he realized that they
+had moved, that he had no idea where they had moved to, and that the piece of
+paper with the address was long gone. Fortunately inspiration struck. There
+was a young girl on the street and he conceived the idea of asking her where
+he had moved to, saying, "Excuse me, perhaps you know me. I'm Norbert Weiner
+and we've just moved. Would you know where we've moved to?" To which the
+young girl replied, "Yes, Daddy, Mommy thought you would forget."
+ The capper to the story is that I asked his daughter (the girl in the
+story) about the truth of the story, many years later. She said that it wasn't
+quite true -- that he never forgot who his children were! The rest of it,
+however, was pretty close to what actually happened...
+ -- Richard Harter
+%
+Nobody can be as agreeable as an uninvited guest.
+%
+Nobody can be exactly like me. Even I have trouble doing it.
+ -- Tallulah Bankhead
+%
+Nobody ever died from oven crude poisoning.
+%
+Nobody ever forgets where he buried the hatchet.
+ -- Kin Hubbard
+%
+Nobody ever ruined their eyesight by looking at the bright side of something.
+%
+NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION.
+%
+Nobody is one block of harmony. We are all afraid of something, or feel
+limited in something. We all need somebody to talk to. It would be good
+if we talked to each other--not just pitter-patter, but real talk. We
+shouldn't be so afraid, because most people really like this contact;
+that you show you are vulnerable makes them free to be vulnerable too.
+It's so much easier to be together when we drop our masks.
+ -- Liv Ullman
+%
+Nobody knows the trouble I've been.
+%
+Nobody knows what goes between his cold toes and his warm ears.
+ -- Roy Harper
+%
+Nobody loves me,
+Everybody hates me,
+I think I'll go out and eat worms.
+I'm gonna cut their heads off,
+Eat their insides out,
+And throw way the skins.
+Big, fat, juicy ones,
+Little, skinny, cute ones,
+Watch how they wiggle and they squirm.
+%
+Nobody really knows what happiness is, until they're married.
+And then it's too late.
+%
+Nobody shot me.
+ -- Frank Gusenberg, his last words, when asked by police
+ who had shot him 14 times with a machine gun in the Saint
+ Valentine's Day Massacre.
+
+Only Capone kills like that.
+ -- George "Bugs" Moran, on the Saint Valentine's Day Massacre
+
+The only man who kills like that is Bugs Moran.
+ -- Al Capone, on the Saint Valentine's Day Massacre
+%
+Nobody suffers the pain of birth or the anguish of loving a child in order
+for presidents to make wars, for governments to feed on the substance of
+their people, for insurance companies to cheat the young and rob the old.
+ -- Lewis Lapham
+%
+Nobody takes a bribe. Of course at Christmas if you happen to hold our
+your hat and somebody happens to put a little something in it, well, that's
+different.
+ -- New York City Police Commissioner (Ret.) William P.
+ O'Brien, instructions to the force.
+%
+Nobody wants constructive criticism.
+It's all we can do to put up with constructive praise.
+%
+Nobody's gonna believe that computers are intelligent until they start
+coming in late and lying about it.
+%
+nohup rm -fr /&
+%
+Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has
+merely laid an egg cackles as if she laid an asteroid.
+ -- Mark Twain
+%
+nolo contendere:
+ A legal term meaning: "I didn't do it, judge, and I'll never do
+ it again."
+%
+nominal egg:
+ New Yorkerese for expensive.
+%
+Noncombatant:
+ A dead Quaker.
+ -- Ambrose Bierce
+%
+Non-Determinism is not meant to be reasonable.
+ -- M.J. 0'Donnell
+%
+Nondeterminism means never having to say you are wrong.
+%
+None love the bearer of bad news.
+ -- Sophocles
+%
+None of our men are "experts." We have most unfortunately found it necessary
+to get rid of a man as soon as he thinks himself an expert -- because no one
+ever considers himself expert if he really knows his job. A man who knows a
+job sees so much more to be done than he has done, that he is always pressing
+forward and never gives up an instant of thought to how good and how efficient
+he is. Thinking always ahead, thinking always of trying to do more, brings a
+state of mind in which nothing is impossible. The moment one gets into the
+"expert" state of mind a great number of things become impossible.
+ -- From Henry Ford Sr., "My Life and Work"
+%
+Nonsense. Space is blue and birds fly through it.
+ -- Heisenberg
+%
+Nonsense and beauty have close connections.
+ -- E.M. Forster
+%
+Noone ever built a statue to a critic.
+%
+No-one would remember the Good Samaritan if he had only had good
+intentions. He had money as well.
+ -- Margaret Thatcher
+%
+Norm: Gentlemen, start your taps.
+ -- Cheers, The Coach's Daughter
+
+Coach: How's life treating you, Norm?
+Norm: Like it caught me in bed with his wife.
+ -- Cheers, Any Friend of Diane's
+
+Coach: How's life, Norm?
+Norm: Not for the squeamish, Coach.
+ -- Cheers, Friends, Romans, and Accountants
+%
+Norm: Hey, everybody.
+All: [silence; everybody is mad at Norm for being rich.]
+Norm: [Carries on both sides of the conversation himself.]
+ Norm! (Norman.)
+ How are you feeling today, Norm?
+ Rich and thirsty. Pour me a beer.
+ -- Cheers, Tan 'n Wash
+
+Woody: What's the latest, Mr. Peterson?
+Norm: Zha-Zha marries a millionaire, Peterson drinks a beer.
+ Film at eleven.
+ -- Cheers, Knights of the Scimitar
+
+Woody: How are you today, Mr. Peterson?
+Norm: Never been better, Woody. ... Just once I'd like to be better.
+ -- Cheers, Chambers vs. Malone
+%
+[Norm comes in with an attractive woman.]
+
+Coach: Normie, Normie, could this be Vera?
+Norm: With a lot of expensive surgery, maybe.
+ -- Cheers, Norman's Conquest
+
+Coach: What's up, Normie?
+Norm: The temperature under my collar, Coach.
+ -- Cheers, I'll Be Seeing You (Part 2)
+
+Coach: What would you say to a nice beer, Normie?
+Norm: Going down?
+ -- Cheers, Diane Meets Mom
+%
+[Norm goes into the bar at Vic's Bowl-A-Rama.]
+
+Off-screen crowd: Norm!
+Sam: How the hell do they know him here?
+Cliff: He's got a life, you know.
+ -- Cheers, From Beer to Eternity
+
+Woody: What can I do for you, Mr. Peterson?
+Norm: Elope with my wife.
+ -- Cheers, The Triangle
+
+Woody: How's life, Mr. Peterson?
+Norm: Oh, I'm waiting for the movie.
+ -- Cheers, Take My Shirt... Please?
+%
+[Norm is angry.]
+
+Woody: What can I get you, Mr. Peterson?
+Norm: Clifford Clavin's head.
+ -- Cheers, The Triangle
+
+Sam: Hey, what's happening, Norm?
+Norm: Well, it's a dog-eat-dog world, Sammy,
+ and I'm wearing Milk-Bone underwear.
+ -- Cheers, The Peterson Principle
+
+Sam: How's life in the fast lane, Normie?
+Norm: Beats me, I can't find the on-ramp.
+ -- Cheers, Diane Chambers Day
+%
+[Norm returns from the hospital.]
+
+Coach: What's up, Norm?
+Norm: Everything that's supposed to be.
+ -- Cheers, Diane Meets Mom
+
+Sam: What's new, Normie?
+Norm: Terrorists, Sam. They've taken over my stomach.
+ They're demanding beer.
+ -- Cheers, The Heart is a Lonely Snipehunter
+
+Coach: What'll it be, Normie?
+Norm: Just the usual, Coach. I'll have a froth of beer and a snorkel.
+ -- Cheers, King of the Hill
+%
+[Norm tries to prove that he is not Anton Kreitzer.]
+Norm: Afternoon, everybody!
+All: Anton!
+ -- Cheers, The Two Faces of Norm
+
+Woody: What's going on, Mr. Peterson?
+Norm: A flashing sign in my gut that says, ``Insert beer here.''
+ -- Cheers, Call Me, Irresponsible
+
+Sam: What can I get you, Norm?
+Norm: [scratching his beard] Got any flea powder? Ah, just kidding.
+ Gimme a beer; I think I'll just drown the little suckers.
+ -- Cheers, Two Girls for Every Boyd
+%
+Normal times may possibly be over forever.
+%
+Normally our rules are rigid; we tend to discretion, if for no other
+reason than self-protection. We never recommend any of our graduates,
+although we cheerfully provide information as to those who have failed
+their courses.
+ -- Jack Vance, "Freitzke's Turn"
+%
+Nostalgia is living life in the past lane.
+%
+Nostalgia just isn't what it used to be.
+%
+Not all men who drink are poets.
+Some of us drink because we aren't poets.
+%
+Not all who own a harp are harpers.
+ -- Marcus Terentius Varro
+%
+Not drinking, chasing women, or doing drugs won't
+make you live longer -- it just seems that way.
+%
+Not every problem someone has with his girlfriend is necessarily due to
+the capitalist mode of production.
+ -- Herbert Marcuse
+%
+Not every question deserves an answer.
+%
+Not everything worth doing is worth doing well.
+%
+Not far from here, by a white sun, behind a green star, lived the
+Steelypips, illustrious, industrious, and they hadn't a care: no spats
+in their vats, no rules, no schools, no gloom, no evil influence of the
+moon, no trouble from matter or antimatter -- for they had a machine,
+a dream of a machine, with springs and gears and perfect in every
+respect. And they lived with it, and on it, and under it, and inside
+it, for it was all they had -- first they saved up all their atoms,
+then they put them all together, and if one didn't fit, why they
+chipped at it a bit, and everything was just fine...
+ -- Stanislaw Lem
+%
+Not only is this incomprehensible, but the ink is
+ugly and the paper is from the wrong kind of tree.
+ -- Professor, EECS, George Washington University
+
+I'm looking forward to working with you on this next year.
+ -- Professor, Harvard, on a senior thesis.
+%
+Not only is UNIX dead, it's starting to smell really bad.
+ -- Rob Pike
+%
+Not that we needed all that stuff, but when you get locked into a
+serious drug collection the tendency is to push it as far as you can.
+ -- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas"
+%
+Not to laugh, not to lament, not to curse, but to understand.
+ -- Spinoza
+%
+NOTE: No warranties, either express or implied, are hereby given.
+All software is supplied as is, without guarantee. The user assumes
+all responsibility for damages resulting from the use of these
+features, including, but not limited to, frustration, disgust, system
+abends, disk head-crashes, general malfeasance, floods, fires, shark
+attack, nerve gas, locust infestation, cyclones, hurricanes, tsunamis,
+local electromagnetic disruptions, hydraulic brake system failure,
+invasion, hashing collisions, normal wear and tear of friction
+surfaces, comic radiation, inadvertent destruction of sensitive
+electronic components, windstorms, the Riders of Nazgul, infuriated
+chickens, malfunctioning mechanical or electrical sexual devices,
+premature activation of the distant early warning system, peasant
+uprisings, halitosis, artillery bombardment, explosions, cave-ins,
+and/or frogs falling from the sky.
+%
+Note to myself: use real bullets next time.
+%
+Notes for a ballet, "The Spell": ... Suddenly Sigmund hears the flutter of
+wings, and a group of wild swans flies across the moon ... Sigmund is
+astounded to see that their leader is part swan and part woman --
+unfortunately, divided lengthwise. She enchants Sigmund, who is careful
+not to make any poultry jokes.
+ -- Woody Allen
+%
+Nothing astonishes men so much as common sense and plain dealing.
+ -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
+%
+Nothing can be done in one trip.
+ -- Snider
+%
+Nothing cures insomnia like the realization that it's time to get up.
+%
+Nothing endures but change.
+ -- Heraclitus
+ [Yeah, yeah, "Everything changes but change itself." --JFK Ed.]
+%
+Nothing ever becomes real till it is experienced -- even a
+proverb is no proverb to you till your life has illustrated it.
+ -- John Keats
+%
+Nothing in life is so exhilarating as to be shot at without result.
+ -- Winston Churchill
+
+Next to being shot at and missed, nothing is really quite as
+satisfying as an income tax refund.
+ -- F.J. Raymond
+%
+Nothing in life is to be feared. It is only to be understood.
+%
+Nothing increases your golf score like witnesses.
+%
+Nothing is as simple as it seems at first
+ Or as hopeless as it seems in the middle
+ Or as finished as it seems in the end.
+%
+Nothing is but what is not.
+%
+Nothing is ever a total loss; it can always serve as a bad example.
+%
+Nothing is faster than the speed of light.
+
+To prove this to yourself, try opening the
+refrigerator door before the light comes on.
+%
+Nothing is finished until the paperwork is done.
+%
+Nothing is illegal if one hundred businessmen decide to do it.
+ -- Andrew Young
+%
+Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself.
+ -- A.H. Weiler
+%
+Nothing is more admirable than the fortitude with which
+millionaires tolerate the disadvantages of their wealth.
+ -- Nero Wolfe
+%
+Nothing is more quiet than the sound of hair going grey.
+%
+Nothing is rich but the inexhaustible wealth of nature.
+She shows us only surfaces, but she is a million fathoms deep.
+ -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
+%
+Nothing is so firmly believed as that which we least know.
+ -- Michel de Montaigne
+%
+Nothing is so often irretrievably missed as a daily opportunity.
+ -- Ebner-Eschenbach
+%
+Nothing lasts forever.
+Where do I find nothing?
+%
+Nothing makes a person more productive than the last minute.
+%
+Nothing makes one so vain as being told that one is a sinner.
+Conscience makes egotists of us all.
+ -- Oscar Wilde
+%
+Nothing matters very much, and few things matter at all.
+ -- Arthur Balfour
+%
+Nothing motivates a man more than to
+see his boss put in an honest day's work.
+%
+Nothing, nothing, nothing, no error, no crime is so absolutely
+repugnant to God as everything which is official; and why? because
+the official is so impersonal and therefore the deepest insult
+which can be offered to a personality.
+ -- Soren Kierkegaard
+%
+Nothing recedes like success.
+ -- Walter Winchell
+%
+Nothing shortens a journey so pleasantly as an account of misfortunes at
+which the hearer is permitted to laugh.
+ -- Quentin Crisp
+%
+Nothing so needs reforming as other people's habits.
+ -- Mark Twain
+%
+Nothing succeeds like excess.
+ -- Oscar Wilde
+%
+Nothing succeeds like success.
+ -- Alexandre Dumas
+%
+Nothing succeeds like the appearance of success.
+ -- Christopher Lascl
+%
+Nothing takes the taste out of peanut butter quite like unrequited love.
+ -- Charlie Brown
+%
+Nothing that's forced can ever be right,
+If it doesn't come naturally, leave it.
+That's what she said as she turned out the light,
+And we bent our backs as slaves of the night,
+Then she lowered her guard and showed me the scars
+She got from trying to fight
+Saying, oh, you'd better believe it.
+[...]
+Well nothing that's real is ever for free
+And you just have to pay for it sometime.
+She said it before, she said it to me,
+I suppose she believed there was nothing to see,
+But the same old four imaginary walls
+She'd built for livin' inside
+I said oh, you just can't mean it.
+[...]
+Well nothing that's forced can ever be right,
+If it doesn't come naturally, leave it.
+That's what she said as she turned out the light,
+And she may have been wrong, and she may have been right,
+But I woke with the frost, and noticed she'd lost
+The veil that covered her eyes,
+I said oh, you can leave it.
+ -- Al Stewart, "If It Doesn't Come Naturally, Leave It"
+%
+Nothing will dispel enthusiasm like a small admission fee.
+ -- Kim Hubbard
+%
+Nothing will ever be attempted
+if all possible objections must be first overcome.
+ -- Dr. Johnson
+%
+NOTICE:
+ Anyone seen smoking will be assumed to be on fire and will
+ be summarily put out.
+%
+NOTICE:
+
+-- THE ELEVATORS WILL BE OUT OF ORDER TODAY --
+
+(The nearest working elevator is in the building across the street.)
+%
+Nouvelle cuisine, n:
+ French for "not enough food".
+
+Continental breakfast, n:
+ English for "not enough food".
+
+Tapas, n:
+ Spanish for "not enough food".
+
+Dim Sum, n:
+ Chinese for more food than you've ever seen in your entire life.
+%
+November:
+ The eleventh twelfth of a weariness.
+%
+Novinson's Revolutionary Discovery:
+
+ When comes the revolution, things will be different --
+ not better, just different.
+%
+Now and then an innocent man is sent to the legislature.
+%
+Now hatred is by far the longest pleasure;
+Men love in haste, but they detest at leisure.
+ -- George Gordon, Lord Byron, "Don Juan"
+%
+Now I lay me back to sleep.
+The speaker's dull; the subject's deep.
+If he should stop before I wake,
+Give me a nudge for goodness' sake.
+ -- Anonymous
+%
+Now I lay me down to sleep
+I pray the double lock will keep;
+May no brick through the window break,
+And, no one rob me till I awake.
+%
+Now I lay me down to sleep,
+I pray the Lord my soul to keep,
+If I should die before I wake,
+I'll cry in anguish, "Mistake!! Mistake!!"
+%
+Now I lay me down to study,
+I pray the Lord I won't go nutty.
+And if I fail to learn this junk,
+I pray the Lord that I won't flunk.
+But if I do, don't pity me at all,
+Just lay my bones in the study hall.
+Tell my teacher I've done my best,
+Then pile my books upon my chest.
+%
+Now is the time for all good men to come to.
+ -- Walt Kelly
+%
+Now is the time for drinking;
+now the time to beat the earth with unfettered foot.
+ -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)
+%
+Now it's time to say goodbye
+To all our company...
+M-I-C (see you next week!)
+K-E-Y (Why? Because we LIKE you!)
+M-O-U-S-E.
+%
+Now of my threescore years and ten,
+Twenty will not come again,
+And take from seventy springs a score,
+It leaves me only fifty more.
+
+And since to look at things in bloom
+Fifty springs are little room,
+About the woodlands I will go
+To see the cherry hung with snow.
+ -- A.E. Housman
+%
+Now that day wearies me,
+My yearning desire
+Will receive more kindly,
+Like a tired child, the starry night.
+
+Hands, leave off your deeds,
+Mind, forget all thoughts;
+All of my forces
+Yearn only to sink into sleep.
+
+And my soul, unguarded,
+Would soar on widespread wings,
+To live in night's magical sphere
+More profoundly, more variously.
+ -- Hermann Hesse, "Going to Sleep"
+%
+Now that you've read Fortune's diet truths, you'll be prepared the next time
+some housewife or boutique owner turned diet expert appears on TV to plug
+her latest book. And, if you still feel a twinge of guilt for eating coffee
+cake while listening to her exhortations, ask yourself the following questions:
+
+1: Do I dare trust a person who actually considers alfalfa sprouts a food?
+2: Was the author's sole motive in writing this book to get rich
+ exploiting the forlorn hopes of chubby people like me?
+3: Would a longer life be worthwhile if it had to be lived as prescribed...
+ without French-fried onion rings, pizza with double cheese, or the
+ occasional Mai-Tai? (Remember, living right doesn't really make
+ you live longer, it just *seems* like longer.)
+
+That, and another piece of coffee cake, should do the trick.
+%
+Now the Lord God planted a garden East of Whittier in a place called
+Yorba Linda, and out of the ground he made to grow orange trees that
+were good for food and the fruits thereof he labeled SUNKIST...
+%
+Now there's a violent movie titled, "The Croquet Homicide,"
+or "Murder With Mallets Aforethought."
+ -- Shelby Friedman, WSJ.
+%
+Now there's three things you can do in a baseball game:
+you can win or you can lose or it can rain.
+ -- Casey Stengel
+%
+Now you're ready for the actual shopping. Your goal should be to get it
+over with as quickly as possible, because the longer you stay in the mall,
+the longer your children will have to listen to holiday songs on the mall
+public-address system, and many of these songs can damage children
+emotionally. For example: "Frosty the Snowman" is about a snowman who
+befriends some children, plays with them until they learn to love him, then
+melts. And "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer" is about a young reindeer who,
+because of a physical deformity, is treated as an outcast by the other
+reindeer. Then along comes good, old Santa. Does he ignore the deformity?
+Does he look past Rudolph's nose and respect Rudolph for the sensitive
+reindeer he is underneath? No. Santa asks Rudolph to guide his sleigh, as
+if Rudolph were nothing more than some kind of headlight with legs and a
+tail. So unless you want your children exposed to this kind of insensitivity,
+you should shop quickly.
+ -- Dave Barry
+%
+Nowlan's Theory:
+ He who hesitates is not only lost, but several miles from
+ the next freeway exit.
+%
+Now's the time to have some big ideas
+Now's the time to make some firm decisions
+We saw the Buddha in a bar down south
+Talking politics and nuclear fission
+We see him and he's all washed up --
+Moving on into the body of a beetle
+Getting ready for a long long crawl
+He ain't nothing -- he ain't nothing at all...
+
+Death and Money make their point once more
+In the shape of Philosophical assassins
+Mark and Danny take the bus uptown
+Deadly angels for reality and passion
+Have the courage of the here and now
+Don't taking nothing from the half-baked buddhas
+When you think you got it paid in full
+You got nothing -- you got nothing at all...
+ We're on the road and we're gunning for the Buddha.
+ We know his name and he mustn't get away.
+ We're on the road and we're gunning for the Buddha.
+ It would take one shot -- to blow him away...
+ -- Shriekback, "Gunning for the Buddah"
+%
+Nuclear powered vacuuum cleaners will probably be a reality within 10 years.
+ -- Alex Lewyt (President of the Lewyt Corporation,
+ manufacturers of vacuum cleaners), quoted in The New York
+ Times, June 10, 1955.
+%
+[Nuclear war] ... may not be desirable.
+ -- Edwin Meese III
+%
+Nuclear war would mean abolition of most comforts, and disruption of
+normal routines, for children and adults alike.
+ -- Willard F. Libby, "You Can Survive Atomic Attack"
+%
+Nudists are people who wear one-button suits.
+%
+Nuke the unborn gay female whales for Jesus.
+%
+Nuke them till they glow, then shoot them in the dark.
+%
+(null cookie; hope that's ok)
+%
+Nullum magnum ingenium sine mixtura dementiae fuit.
+ -- Seneca
+%
+Numeric stability is probably not all that important when you're guessing.
+%
+Nurse Donna: Oh, Groucho, I'm afraid I'm gonna wind up an old maid.
+Groucho: Well, bring her in and we'll wind her up together.
+Nurse Donna: Do you believe in computer dating?
+Groucho: Only if the computers really love each other.
+%
+Nusbaum's Rule:
+ The more pretentious the corporate name, the smaller the
+ organization. (For instance, the Murphy Center for the
+ Codification of Human and Organizational Law, contrasted
+ to IBM, GM, and AT&T.)
+%
+O! If I were a fish
+I'd lay hap'ly on my dish.
+Yes, that's my one and only wish --
+To be a fish!
+
+For fish don't ever mish;
+They needn't flush after they pish!
+Yes, and life's just swish, swish, swish,
+For all the fish!!!
+%
+O give me a home,
+Where the buffalo roam,
+Where the deer and the antelope play,
+Where seldom is heard
+A discouraging word,
+'Cause what can an antelope say?
+%
+O imitators, you slavish herd!
+ -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)
+%
+O, it is excellent
+To have a giant's strength; but it is tyrannous
+To use it like a giant.
+ -- Shakespeare, "Measure for Measure", II, 2
+%
+O Lord, grant that we may always be right,
+for Thou knowest we will never change our minds.
+%
+O love, could thou and I with fate conspire
+To grasp this sorry scheme of things entire,
+Might we not smash it to bits
+And mould it closer to our hearts' desire?
+ -- Omar Khayyam, tr. FitzGerald
+%
+Oatmeal raisin.
+%
+Objects are lost only because people
+look where they are not rather than where they are.
+%
+O'Brian's Law:
+ Everything is always done for the wrong reasons.
+%
+O'Brien held up his left hand, its back toward Winston, with the
+thumb hidden and the four fingers extended.
+ "How many fingers am I holding up, Winston?"
+ "Four."
+ "And if the Party says that it is not four but five --
+ then how many?"
+ "Four."
+ The word ended in a gasp of pain.
+ -- George Orwell
+%
+Observe yon plumed biped fine.
+To activate its captivation,
+Deposit on its termination,
+A quantity of particles saline.
+%
+Obstacles are what you see when you take your eyes off your goal.
+%
+"Obviously, a major malfunction has occurred."
+ -- Steve Nesbitt, voice of Mission Control, January 28,
+ 1986, as the shuttle Challenger exploded within view
+ of the grandstands.
+%
+Obviously the only rational solution to your problem is suicide.
+%
+OCCAM'S ERASER:
+ The philosophical principle that even the simplest
+ solution is bound to have something wrong with it.
+%
+OCCIDENT:
+ The part of the world lying west (or east) of the Orient. It is
+ largely inhabited by Christians, powerful sub-tribe of the
+ Hypocrites, whose principal industries are murder and cheating,
+ which they are pleased to call "war" and "commerce." These, also,
+ are the principal industries of the Orient.
+ -- Ambrose Bierce
+%
+OCEAN:
+ A body of water occupying about two-thirds
+ of a world made for man -- who has no gills.
+%
+Odets, where is thy sting?
+ -- George S. Kaufman
+%
+Of all forms of caution, caution in love is the most fatal.
+%
+Of all men's miseries, the bitterest is this:
+to know so much and have control over nothing.
+ -- Herodotus
+%
+Of all the animals, the boy is the most unmanageable.
+ -- Plato
+%
+Of all the words of witch's doom
+There's none so bad as which and whom.
+The man who kills both which and whom
+Will be enshrined in our Who's Whom.
+ -- Fletcher Knebel
+%
+Of all things man is the measure.
+ -- Protagoras
+%
+Of course a platonic relationship is possible -- but only between
+husband and wife.
+%
+Of course it's possible to love a human being
+if you don't know them too well.
+ -- Charles Bukowski
+%
+Of course power tools and alcohol don't mix. Everyone knows power
+tools aren't soluble in alcohol...
+ -- Crazy Nigel
+%
+Of course there's no reason for it, it's just our policy.
+%
+Of course you can't flap your arms and fly to the moon.
+After awhile you'd run out of air to push against.
+%
+Of course you have a purpose -- to find a purpose.
+%
+Of what you see in books, believe 75%. Of newspapers, believe 50%. And of
+TV news, believe 25% -- make that 5% if the anchorman wears a blazer.
+%
+Office Automation:
+ The use of computers to improve efficiency in the office
+ by removing anyone you would want to talk with over coffee.
+%
+Official Project Stages:
+ 1. Uncritical Acceptance
+ 2. Wild Enthusiasm
+ 3. Dejected Disillusionment
+ 4. Total Confusion
+ 5. Search for the Guilty
+ 6. Punishment of the Innocent
+ 7. Promotion of the Non-participants
+%
+Often statistics are used as a drunken man uses
+lampposts -- for support rather than illumination.
+%
+Often things ARE as bad as they seem!
+%
+Ogden's Law:
+ The sooner you fall behind, the more time you have to catch up.
+%
+Oh, Aunty Em, it's so good to be home!
+%
+Oh, by the way, which one's Pink?
+ -- Pink Floyd
+%
+Oh don't the days seem lank and long
+When all goes right and none goes wrong,
+And isn't your life extremely flat
+With nothing whatever to grumble at!
+%
+Oh Father, my Father, Oh what must I do?
+They're burning our streets and beating me blue.
+"Listen my son, I'll tell you the truth:
+Get a close haircut and spit-shine your shoes."
+
+Oh Mother, my Mother, my confusions remove,
+I long to embrace her whose hair is so smooth.
+"Now listen my son, although you're confused,
+Cut your hair close and shine all your shoes."
+
+Oh Teacher, my Teacher, your life with me share.
+What books ought I read? What thoughts do I dare?
+"Oh Student, my Student, of dissent you beware.
+Shine those dull shoes and cut short your hair."
+
+Oh Preacher, my Preacher, does God really care?
+Are all races equal? Are laws just and fair?
+"Boy -- here's the answer, no need to despair:
+Shine those new shoes and cut short that hair."
+%
+Oh freddled gruntbuggly, thy micturations are to me
+As plurdled gabbleblotchits on a lurgid bee.
+Groop I implore thee, my foonting turlingdromes,
+And hooptiously drangle me with crinkly bindlewurdles,
+Or I will rend thee in the goblerwarts with my blurglecruncheon,
+ see if I don't.
+ -- Prostetnic Vogon Jeltz
+%
+Oh, give me a home,
+Where the buffalo roam,
+And I'll show you a house with a really messy kitchen.
+%
+Oh, give me a locus where the gravitons focus
+ Where the three-body problem is solved,
+ Where the microwaves play down at three degrees K,
+ And the cold virus never evolved. (chorus)
+We eat algea pie, our vacuum is high,
+ Our ball bearings are perfectly round.
+ Our horizon is curved, our warheads are MIRVed,
+ And a kilogram weighs half a pound. (chorus)
+If we run out of space for our burgeoning race
+ No more Lebensraum left for the Mensch
+ When we're ready to start, we can take Mars apart,
+ If we just find a big enough wrench. (chorus)
+I'm sick of this place, it's just McDonald's in space,
+ And living up here is a bore.
+ Tell the shiggies, "Don't cry," they can kiss me goodbye
+ 'Cause I'm moving next week to L4! (chorus)
+
+CHORUS: Home, home on LaGrange,
+ Where the space debris always collects,
+ We possess, so it seems, two of Man's greatest dreams:
+ Solar power and zero-gee sex.
+ -- to Home on the Range
+%
+Oh give me your pity!
+I'm on a committee, We attend and amend
+Which means that from morning And contend and defend
+ to night, Without a conclusion in sight.
+
+We confer and concur,
+We defer and demur, We revise the agenda
+And reiterate all of our thoughts. With frequent addenda
+ And consider a load of reports.
+
+We compose and propose,
+We suppose and oppose, But though various notions
+And the points of procedure are fun; Are brought up as motions,
+ There's terribly little gets done.
+
+We resolve and absolve;
+But we never dissolve,
+Since it's out of the question for us
+To bring our committee
+To end like this ditty,
+Which stops with a period, thus.
+ -- Leslie Lipson, "The Committee"
+%
+"Oh, he [a big dog] hunts with papa," she said. "He says Don Carlos [the
+dog] is good for almost every kind of game. He went duck hunting one time
+and did real well at it. Then Papa bought some ducks, not wild ducks but,
+you know, farm ducks. And it got Don Carlos all mixed up. Since the
+ducks were always around the yard with nobody shooting at them he knew he
+wasn't supposed to kill them, but he had to do something. So one morning
+last spring, when the ground was still soft, he took all the ducks and
+buried them." "What do you mean, buried them?" "Oh, he didn't hurt them.
+He dug little holes all over the yard and picked up the ducks in his mouth
+and put them in the holes. Then he covered them up with mud except for
+their heads. He did thirteen ducks that way and was digging a hole for
+another one when Tony found him. We talked about it for a long time. Papa
+said Don Carlos was afraid the ducks might run away, and since he didn't
+know how to build a cage he put them in holes. He's a smart dog."
+ -- R. Bradford, "Red Sky At Morning"
+%
+Oh, I am a C programmer and I'm okay
+ I muck with indices and structs all day
+And when it works, I shout hoo-ray
+ Oh, I am a C programmer and I'm okay
+%
+Oh, I am just a typical American boy
+From a typical American town.
+I believe in God and Senator Dodd
+And keeping old Castro down.
+And when it came my time to serve
+I knew better dead than red,
+But when I got to my old draft board,
+Buddy this is what I said:
+
+Sarge I'm only 18, I got a ruptured spleen
+And I always carry a purse;
+I got eyes like a bat and my feet are flat
+And my asthma's getting worse.
+Yes, think of my career and my sweetheart dear
+And my poor old invalid aunt;
+Besides I ain't no fool I'm going to school
+And I'm working in a defense plant.
+ -- Phil Ochs, "Draft Dodger Rag"
+%
+Oh, I could while away the hours,
+Smoking herbs and flowers,
+Shooting up my veins,
+ De-dum, De-dum, De-dum
+Tell you, I've been a-thinkin'
+I could drive a shiny Lincoln,
+If I dealt in good cocaine.
+ -- To If I Only Had A Brain from "The Wizard of Oz"
+%
+Oh, I don't blame Congress. If I had $600 billion at my disposal, I'd
+be irresponsible, too.
+ -- Lichty & Wagner
+%
+Oh, I have slipped the surly bonds of earth,
+And danced the skies on laughter silvered wings;
+Sunward I've climbed and joined the tumbling mirth
+Of sun-split clouds and done a hundred things
+You have not dreamed of --
+Wheeled and soared and swung
+High in the sunlit silence.
+Hovering there
+I've chased the shouting wind along and flung
+My eager craft through footless halls of air.
+Up, up along delirious, burning blue
+I've topped the wind-swept heights with easy grace,
+Where never lark, or even eagle flew;
+And, while with silent, lifting mind I've trod
+The high untrespassed sanctity of space,
+Put out my hand, and touched the face of God.
+ -- John Gillespie Magee Jr., "High Flight"
+%
+Oh I'm just a typical American boy
+From a typical American town.
+I believe in God and Senator Dodd
+And keeping old Castro down.
+And when it came my time to serve
+I knew "Better Dead Than Red",
+But when I got to my old draft board,
+Buddy, this is what I said:
+
+Chorus:
+ Sarge, I'm only eighteen, I've got a ruptured spleen,
+ And I always carry a purse!
+ I've got eyes like a bat and my feet are flat,
+ And my asthma's getting worse!
+ Yes, think of my career and my sweetheart dear,
+ And my poor old invalid aunt!
+ Besides I ain't no fool, I'm a-going to school
+ And I'm a-working in a defense plant!
+ -- Phil Ochs, "Draft Dodger Rag"
+%
+Oh Lord, won't you buy me a 4BSD?
+My friends all got sources, so why can't I see?
+Come all you moby hackers, come sing it out with me:
+To hell with the lawyers from AT&T!
+%
+Oh, love is real enough, you will find it some day, but it has one
+arch-enemy -- and that is life.
+ -- Jean Anouilh, "Ardele"
+%
+Oh, my friend, it is not what they take away from you that counts --
+it's what you do with what you have left.
+ -- Hubert H. Humphrey
+%
+Oh, so there you are!
+%
+Oh, the Slithery Dee, he crawled out of the sea.
+He may catch all the others, but he won't catch me.
+No, he won't catch me, stupid ol' Slithery Dee.
+He may catch all the others, but AAAARRRRGGGGHHHH!!!!
+ -- The Smothers Brothers
+%
+Oh this age! How tasteless and ill-bred it is.
+ -- Gaius Valerius Catullus
+%
+Oh wearisome condition of humanity!
+Born under one law, to another bound.
+ -- Fulke Greville, Lord Brooke
+%
+Oh, well, I guess this is just going to be one of those lifetimes.
+%
+Oh what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to deceive.
+ -- Shakespeare
+%
+Oh, when I was in love with you,
+ Then I was clean and brave,
+And miles around the wonder grew
+ How well did I behave.
+
+And now the fancy passes by,
+ And nothing will remain,
+And miles around they'll say that I
+ Am quite myself again.
+ -- A.E. Housman
+%
+Oh, wow! Look at the moon!
+%
+Oh, ya doesn't have ta call me 'Johnson'! Well, you can call me 'Ray', or
+you can call me 'Jay', or you can call me 'R.J.', or you can call me 'Ray
+J.', or you can call me 'R.J.J.', or you can call me 'Ray J. Johnson', or
+you can call me 'R.J. Johnson', but ya DOESN'T have to call me 'Johnson'...
+%
+Oh yeah? Well, I remember when sex was dirty and the air was clean.
+%
+Oh, yeah, life goes on, long after the thrill of livin' is gone.
+ -- John Cougar, "Jack and Diane"
+%
+O.K., fine.
+%
+Okay, Okay -- I admit it. You didn't change that program that worked
+just a little while ago; I inserted some random characters into the
+executable. Please forgive me. You can recover the file by typing in
+the code over again, since I also removed the source.
+%
+Old age and treachery will overcome youth and skill.
+%
+Old age is always fifteen years old than I am.
+ -- B. Baruch
+%
+Old age is the harbor of all ills.
+ -- Bion
+%
+Old age is the most unexpected of things that can happen to a man.
+ -- Trotsky
+%
+Old age is too high a price to pay for maturity.
+%
+Old Grandad is dead but his spirits live on.
+%
+Old Japanese proverb:
+ There are two kinds of fools -- those who never climb Mt. Fuji,
+and those who climb it twice.
+%
+Old MacDonald had an agricultural real estate tax abatement.
+%
+Old mail has arrived.
+%
+Old men are fond of giving good advice to console
+themselves for their inability to set a bad example.
+ -- La Rochefoucauld, "Maxims"
+%
+Old Mother Hubbard went to the cupboard
+To fetch her poor daughter a dress.
+When she got there, the cupboard was bare
+And so was her daughter, I guess...
+%
+Old musicians never die, they just decompose.
+%
+Old programmers never die, they just become managers.
+%
+Old programmers never die, they just branch to a new address.
+%
+Old programmers never die, they just hit account block limit.
+%
+Old soldiers never die. Young ones do.
+%
+Old timer, n:
+ One who remembers when charity was a virtue and not an organization.
+%
+Oliver's Law:
+ Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
+%
+omnibiblious, adj.:
+ Indifferent to type of drink. Ex: "Oh, you can get me anything.
+ I'm omnibiblious."
+%
+On a clear day, U.C.L.A.
+%
+On a clear disk you can seek forever.
+ -- P. Denning
+%
+On a paper submitted by a physicist colleague:
+
+"This isn't right. This isn't even wrong."
+ -- Wolfgang Pauli
+%
+On a tous un peu peur de l'amour, mais on
+a surtout peur de souffrir ou de faire souffrir.
+
+[One is always a little afraid of love, but
+above all, one is afraid of pain or causing pain.]
+%
+On ability:
+ A dwarf is small, even if he stands on a mountain top;
+ a colossus keeps his height, even if he stands in a well.
+ -- Lucius Annaeus Seneca, 4BC - 65AD
+%
+On account of being a democracy and run by the people, we are the only
+nation in the world that has to keep a government four years, no matter
+what it does.
+ -- Will Rogers
+%
+On account of us being a democracy and run by the people, we are the only
+nation in the world that has to keep a government four years, no matter
+what it does.
+ -- The Best of Will Rogers
+%
+On his way back from work, a driver came upon a horrible wreck in which one
+car looked exactly like his neighbor's. Stopping hurriedly on the side of
+the road, he ran toward the smoldering debris.
+ "Listen, mister," a policeman said, holding him back, "I can't let
+you come any closer."
+ "But that may be my friend, Henry, in there," the anguished man
+explained.
+ "OK, but it's pretty grisly," the cop cautioned. "There was a
+decapitation."
+ The policeman reached into the back seat of the demolished car and
+pulled forth the head, holding it at arm's length. "Is this your friend?"
+ "That's not him -- thank heavens," the man said. "Henry's much
+taller."
+%
+On Monday mornings I am dedicated to the
+proposition that all men are created jerks.
+ -- H. Allen Smith, "Let the Crabgrass Grow"
+%
+On Thanksgiving Day all over America, families sit down to dinner at the
+same moment -- halftime.
+%
+On the eighth day, God created FORTRAN.
+%
+On the night before her family moved from Kansas to California, the little
+girl knelt by her bed to say her prayers. "God bless Mommy and Daddy and
+Keith and Kim," she said. As she began to get up, she quickly added, "Oh,
+and God, this is goodbye. We're moving to Hollywood."
+%
+On the road, ZIPPY is a pinhead without
+a purpose, but never without a POINT.
+%
+On the whole, I'd rather be in Philadelphia.
+ -- W.C. Fields' epitaph
+%
+On two occasions I have been asked [by members of Parliament!], "Pray, Mr.
+Babbage, if you put into the machine wrong figures, will the right answers
+come out?" I am not able rightly to apprehend the kind of confusion of
+ideas that could provoke such a question.
+ -- Charles Babbage
+%
+Once ... in the wilds of Afghanistan, I lost my corkscrew,
+and we were forced to live on nothing but food and water for days.
+ -- W.C. Fields, "My Little Chickadee"
+%
+Once a word has been allowed to escape, it cannot be recalled.
+ -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)
+%
+Once, adv.: Enough.
+%
+Once again dread deed is done.
+Canon sleeps,
+his all-knowing eye shaded
+to human chance and circumstance.
+Peace reigns anew o'er Pine Valley,
+but Canon's sleep is troubled.
+
+Beware, scant days past the Ides of July.
+Impatient hands wait eagerly
+to grasp, to hold
+scant moments of time
+wrested from life in the full
+glory of Canon's power;
+held captive by his unblinking eye.
+
+Three golden orbs stand watch;
+one each to toll the day, hour, minute
+until predestiny decrees his reawakening.
+When that feared moment arives,
+"Ask not for whom the bell tolls,
+It tolls for thee."
+ -- "I extended the loan on your Camera, at the Pine
+ Valley Pawn Shop today"
+%
+Once Again From the Top
+
+Correction notice in the Miami Herald: "Last Sunday, The Herald erroneously
+reported that original Dolphin Johnny Holmes had been an insurance salesman
+in Raleigh, North Carolina, that he had won the New York lottery in 1982 and
+lost the money in a land swindle, that he had been charged with vehicular
+homicide, but acquitted because his mother said she drove the car, and that
+he stated that the funniest thing he ever saw was Flipper spouting water on
+George Wilson. Each of these items was erroneous material published
+inadvertently. He was not an insurance salesman in Raleigh, did not win the
+lottery, neither he nor his mother was charged or involved in any way with
+vehicular homicide, and he made no comment about Flipper or George Wilson.
+The Herald regrets the errors."
+ -- "The Progressive", March, 1987
+%
+Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that each
+of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice.
+ In the old days, it was not called the Holiday Season; the Christians
+called it "Christmas" and went to church; the Jews called it "Hanukka" and
+went to synagogue; the atheists went to parties and drank. People passing
+each other on the street would say "Merry Christmas!" or "Happy Hanukka!"
+or (to the atheists) "Look out for the wall!"
+...
+ Once you're safely in the mall, you should tie your children to you
+with ropes so the other shoppers won't try to buy them. Holiday shoppers
+have been whipped into a frenzy by months of holiday advertisements, and
+they will buy anything small enough to stuff into a shopping bag. If your
+children object to being tied, threaten to take them to see Santa Claus;
+that ought to shut them up.
+ -- Dave Barry
+%
+Once at a social gathering, Gladstone said to Disraeli, "I predict, Sir,
+that you will die either by hanging or of some vile disease". Disraeli
+replied, "That all depends upon whether I embrace your principals or your
+mistress".
+%
+Once harm has been done, even a fool understands it.
+ -- Homer
+%
+Once he had one leg in the White House and the nation trembled under his
+roars. Now he is a tinpot pope in the Coca-Cola belt and a brother to the
+forlorn pastors who belabor halfwits in galvanized iron tabernacles behind
+the railroad yards."
+ -- H.L. Mencken, writing of William Jennings Bryan,
+ counsel for the supporters of Tennessee's anti-evolution
+ law at the Scopes "Monkey Trial" in 1925.
+%
+Once I finally figured out all of life's
+answers, they changed the questions.
+%
+Once, I read that a man be never stronger
+than when he truly realizes how weak he is.
+ -- Jim Starlin, "Captain Marvel #31"
+%
+Once is happenstance,
+Twice is coincidence,
+Three times is enemy action.
+ -- Auric Goldfinger
+%
+Once it hits the fan, the only rational choice is to
+sweep it up, package it, and sell it as fertilizer.
+%
+Once Law was sitting on the bench
+ And Mercy knelt a-weeping.
+"Clear out!" he cried, "disordered wench!
+ Nor come before me creeping.
+Upon your knees if you appear,
+'Tis plain you have no standing here."
+
+Then Justice came. His Honor cried:
+ "YOUR states? -- Devil seize you!"
+"Amica curiae," she replied --
+ "Friend of the court, so please you."
+"Begone!" he shouted -- "There's the door --
+I never saw your face before!"
+%
+Once the realization is accepted that even between the closest human beings
+infinite distances continue to exist, a wonderful living side by side can
+grow up, if they succeed in loving the distance between them which makes it
+possible for each to see each other whole against the sky.
+ -- Rainer Rilke
+%
+Once the toothpaste is out of the tube, it's hard to get it back in.
+ -- H.R. Haldeman
+%
+Once there was a little nerd who loved to read your mail,
+And then yank back the i-access times to get hackers off his tail,
+And once as he finished reading from the secretary's spool,
+He wrote a rude rejection to her boyfriend (how uncool!)
+And this as delivermail did work and he ran his backfstat,
+He heard an awful crackling like rat fritters in hot fat,
+And hard errors brought the system down 'fore he could even shout!
+ And the bio bug'll bring yours down too, ef you don't watch out!
+And once they was a little flake who'd prowl through the uulog,
+And when he went to his blit that night to play at being god,
+The ops all heard him holler, and they to the console dashed,
+But when they did a ps -ut they found the system crashed!
+Oh, the wizards adb'd the dumps and did the system trace,
+And worked on the file system 'til the disk head was hot paste,
+But all they ever found was this: "panic: never doubt",
+ And the bio bug'll crash your box too, ef you don't watch out!
+When the day is done and the moon comes out,
+And you hear the printer whining and the rk's seems to count,
+When the other desks are empty and their terminals glassy grey,
+And the load is only 1.6 and you wonder if it'll stay,
+You must mind the file protections and not snoop around,
+ Or the bio bug'll getcha and bring the system down!
+%
+Once there was this conductor see, who had a bass problem. You see, during
+a portion of Beethovan's Ninth Symphony in which there are no bass violin
+parts, one of the bassists always passed a bottle of scotch around. So,
+to remind himself that the basses usually required an extra cue towards the
+end of the symphony, the conductor would fasten a piece of string around the
+page of the score before the bass cue. As the basses grew more and more
+inebriated, two of them fell asleep. The conductor grew quite nervous (he
+was very concerned about the pitch) because it was the bottom of the ninth;
+the score was tied and the basses were loaded with two out.
+%
+Once upon a time there...
+%
+Once upon a time there was a kingdom ruled by a great bear. The peasants
+were not very rich, and one of the few ways to become at all wealthy was
+to become a Royal Knight. This required an interview with the bear. If
+the bear liked you, you were knighted on the spot. If not, the bear would
+just as likely remove your head with one swat of a paw. However, the family
+of these unfortunate would-be knights was compensated with a beautiful
+sheepdog from the royal kennels, which was itself a fairly valuable
+possession. And the moral of the story is:
+
+The mourning after a terrible knight, nothing beats the dog of the bear that
+hit you.
+%
+Once upon this midnight incoherent,
+While you pondered sentient and crystalline,
+Over many a broken and subordinate
+Volume of gnarly lore,
+While I pestered, nearly singing,
+Sudddenly there came a hewing,
+As of someone profusely skulking,
+Skulking at my chamber door.
+%
+Once you've seen one nuclear war, you've seen them all.
+%
+Once you've tried to change the world you find
+it's a whole bunch easier to change your mind.
+%
+"One Architecture, One OS" also translates as "One Egg, One Basket".
+%
+One Bell System - it sometimes works.
+%
+One Bell System - it used to work before they installed the Dimension!
+%
+One Bell System - it works.
+%
+One big pile is better than two little piles.
+ -- Arlo Guthrie
+%
+One can never consent to creep when one feels an impulse to soar.
+ -- Helen Keller
+%
+One can search the brain with a microscope and not find the
+mind, and can search the stars with a telescope and not find God.
+ -- J. Gustav White
+%
+One cannot make an omelette without breaking eggs -- but it is amazing
+how many eggs one can break without making a decent omelette.
+%
+One can't proceed from the informal to the formal by formal means.
+%
+One could not be a successful scientist without realizing that, in contrast
+to the popular conception supported by newspapers and mothers of scientists,
+a goodly number of scientists are not only narrow-minded and dull, but also
+just stupid.
+ -- J.D. Watson, "The Double Helix"
+%
+One day an elderly Jewish Pole, living in Warsaw, finds an old lamp in his
+attic. He starts to polish it and (poof!) a genie appears in cloud of smoke.
+ "Greetings, Mortal!" exclaims the genie, stretching and yawning, "For
+releasing me I will grant you three wishes."
+ The old man thinks for a moment, then replies, "I want Genghis Khan
+resurrected. I want him to re-unite the Mongol hordes, march to the Polish
+border, decide he doesn't want to invade, and march back home."
+ "No sooner said than done!" thunders the genie. "Your second wish?"
+ "Hmmmm. I want Genghis Khan resurrected. I want him to re-unite the
+Mongol hordes, march to the Polish border, decide he doesn't want to invade,
+and march back home."
+ "But... well, all right! Your third wish?"
+ "I want Genghis Khan resurrected. I want him to re-unite his ---"
+ "OKOKOKOK! Right. Got it. Why do you want Genghis Khan to march
+to Poland three times and never invade?"
+ The old man smiles. "He has to pass through Russia six times."
+%
+One day President Reagan, Chairman Brezhnev, the Pope, and a boy scout were
+flying together in an airplane. Right out in the middle of nowhere the plane
+developed engine trouble and started to go down. Unfortunately, only three
+parachutes could be found for the four passengers! Brezhnev grabbed one of
+the parachutes and declared "Comrades, as leader of the socialist workers
+revolution, my life must be spared." And he jumped out of the plane. Then
+Reagan exclaimed "As leader of the greatest nation on earth, I must keep the
+world safe for democracy." And with that he too jumped to safety. Now if
+you are following all this (or counting on your fingers) you must see that
+there is only one parachute left for the two remaining passengers. The Pope
+looked kindly upon the boy scout and said "I have had a long and productive
+life, my son. You take the parachute and leave me in God's hands." "That's
+very kind of you," the observant scout replied, "but there is no need. Reagan
+just jumped out with my knapsack."
+%
+One day the King decided that he would force all his subjects to tell the
+truth. A gallows was erected in front of the city gates. A herald announced,
+"Whoever would enter the city must first answer the truth to a question
+which will be put to him." Nasrudin was first in line. The captain of the
+guard asked him, "Where are you going? Tell the truth -- the alternative
+is death by hanging."
+ "I am going," said Nasrudin, "to be hanged on that gallows."
+ "I don't believe you."
+ "Very well, if I have told a lie, then hang me!"
+ "But that would make it the truth!"
+ "Exactly," said Nasrudin, "your truth."
+%
+One day this guy is finally fed up with his middle-class existence and
+decides to do something about it. He calls up his best friend, who is a
+mathematical genius. "Look," he says, "do you suppose you could find some
+way mathematically of guaranteeing winning at the race track? We could
+make a lot of money and retire and enjoy life." The mathematician thinks
+this over a bit and walks away mumbling to himself.
+ A week later his friend drops by to ask the genius if he's had any
+success. The genius, looking a little bleary-eyed, replies, "Well, yes,
+actually I do have an idea, and I'm reasonably sure that it will work, but
+there a number of details to be figured out.
+ After the second week the mathematician appears at his friend's house,
+looking quite a bit rumpled, and announces, "I think I've got it! I still have
+some of the theory to work out, but now I'm certain that I'm on the right
+track."
+ At the end of the third week the mathematician wakes his friend by
+pounding on his door at three in the morning. He has dark circles under his
+eyes. His hair hasn't been combed for many days. He appears to be wearing
+the same clothes as the last time. He has several pencils sticking out from
+behind his ears and an almost maniacal expression on his face. "WE CAN DO
+IT! WE CAN DO IT!!" he shrieks. "I have discovered the perfect solution!!
+And it's so EASY! First, we assume that horses are perfect spheres in simple
+harmonic motion..."
+%
+One day,
+A mad meta-poet,
+With nothing to say,
+Wrote a mad meta-poem
+That started: "One day,
+A mad meta-poet,
+With nothing to say,
+Wrote a mad meta-poem
+That started: "One day,
+[...]
+sort of close".
+Were the words that the poet,
+Finally chose,
+To bring his mad poem,
+To some sort of close".
+Were the words that the poet,
+Finally chose,
+To bring his mad poem,
+To some sort of close".
+%
+One difference between a man and a machine
+is that a machine is quiet when well oiled.
+%
+One doesn't have a sense of humor. It has you.
+ -- Larry Gelbart
+%
+One dusty July afternoon, somewhere around the turn of the century, Patrick
+Malone was in Mulcahey's Bar, bending an elbow with the other street car
+conductors from the Brooklyn Traction Company. While they were discussing the
+merits of a local ring hero, the bar goes silent. Malone turns around to see
+his wife, with a face grim as death, stalking to the bar.
+ Slapping a four-bit piece down on the bar, she draws herself up to her
+full five feet five inches and says to Mulcahey, "Give me what himself has
+been havin' all these years."
+ Mulcahey looks at Malone, who shrugs, and then back at Margaret Mary
+Malone. He sets out a glass and pours her a triple shot of Rye. The bar is
+totally silent as they watch the woman pick up the glass and knock back the
+drink. She slams the glass down on the bar, gasps, shudders slightly, and
+passes out; falling straight back, stiff as a board, saved from sudden contact
+with the barroom floor by the ample belly of Seamus Fogerty.
+ Sometime later, she comes to on the pool table, a jacket under her
+head. Her bloodshot eyes fell upon her husband, who says, "And all these
+years you've been thinkin' I've been enjoying meself."
+%
+One expresses well the love he does not feel.
+ -- J.A. Karr
+%
+One family builds a wall, two families enjoy it.
+%
+One father is more than a hundred schoolmasters.
+ -- George Herbert
+%
+One friend in a lifetime is much; two are many; three are hardly possible.
+Friendship needs a certain parallelism of life, a community of thought,
+a rivalry of aim.
+ -- Henry Brook Adams
+%
+One girl can be pretty -- but a dozen are only a chorus.
+ -- F. Scott Fitzgerald, "The Last Tycoon"
+%
+One good reason why computers can do more work than
+people is that they never have to stop and answer the phone.
+%
+One good suit is worth a thousand resumes.
+%
+One good thing about music,
+Well, it helps you feel no pain.
+So hit me with music;
+Hit me with music now.
+ -- Bob Marley, "Trenchtown Rock"
+%
+One good turn asketh another.
+ -- John Heywood
+%
+One good turn deserves another.
+ -- Gaius Petronius
+%
+One good turn usually gets most of the blanket.
+%
+One has to look out for engineers -- they begin with sewing machines
+and end up with the atomic bomb.
+ -- Marcel Pagnol
+%
+One hundred women are not worth a single testicle.
+ -- Confucius
+%
+One is not superior merely because one sees the world as odious.
+ -- Chateaubriand (1768-1848)
+%
+One is often kept in the right road by a rut.
+ -- Gustave Droz
+%
+ONE LIFE TO LIVE for ALL MY CHILDREN in
+ANOTHER WORLD all THE DAYS OF OUR LIVES.
+%
+One man tells a falsehood, a hundred repeat it as true.
+%
+One man's constant is another man's variable.
+ -- A.J. Perlis
+%
+One man's folly is another man's wife.
+ -- Helen Rowland
+%
+One man's "magic" is another man's engineering.
+"Supernatural" is a null word.
+%
+One man's Mede is another man's Persian.
+ -- George M. Cohan
+%
+One man's theology is another man's belly laugh.
+%
+One measure of friendship consists not in the number of things friends
+can discuss, but in the number of things they need no longer mention.
+ -- Clifton Fadiman
+%
+One meets his destiny often on the road he takes to avoid it.
+%
+One must have a heart of stone to read the death of Little Nell by Dickens
+without laughing.
+ -- Oscar Wilde
+%
+One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
+%
+One nuclear bomb can ruin your whole day.
+%
+One of my less pleasant chores when I was young was to read the Bible from
+one end to the other. Reading the Bible straight through is at least 70
+percent discipline, like learning Latin. But the good parts are, of course,
+simply amazing. God is an extremely uneven writer, but when He's good,
+nobody can touch him.
+ -- John Gardner, NYT Book Review, Jan. 1983
+%
+One of the chief duties of the mathematician in acting as an
+advisor... is to discourage... from expecting too much from
+mathematics.
+ -- N. Wiener
+%
+One of the disadvantages of having children is that they eventually get old
+enough to give you presents they make at school.
+ -- Robert Byrne
+%
+One of the large consolations for experiencing anything
+unpleasant is the knowledge that one can communicate it.
+ -- Joyce Carol Oates
+%
+One of the lessons of history is that nothing is often a good thing to
+do and always a clever thing to say.
+ -- Will Durant
+%
+One of the major difficulties Trillian experienced in her relationship with
+Zaphod was learning to distinguish between him pretending to be stupid just
+to get people off their guard, pretending to be stupid because he couldn't
+be bothered to think and wanted someone else to do it for him, pretending
+to be so outrageously stupid to hide the fact that he actually didn't
+understand what was going on, and really being genuinely stupid. He was
+reknowned for being quite clever and quite clearly was so -- but not all the
+time, which obviously worried him, hence the act. He preferred people to be
+puzzled rather than contemptuous. This above all appeared to Trillian to be
+genuinely stupid, but she could no longer be bothered to argue about.
+ -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
+%
+One of the most overlooked advantages to computers is... If they do
+foul up, there's no law against whacking them around a little.
+ -- Joe Martin
+%
+One of the most striking differences between a
+cat and a lie is that a cat has only nine lives.
+ -- Mark Twain
+%
+One of the pleasures of reading old letters is the knowledge that they
+need no answer.
+ -- George Gordon, Lord Byron
+%
+One of the rules of Busmanship, New York style, is never surrender your
+seat to another passenger. This may seem callous, but it is the best
+way, really. If one passenger were to give a seat to someone who fainted
+in the aisle, say, the others on the bus would become disoriented and
+imagine they were in Topeka Kansas.
+%
+One of the signs of Napoleon's greatness is the fact that he
+once had a publisher shot.
+ -- Siegfried Unseld
+%
+One of the worst of my many faults is that I'm too critical of myself.
+%
+One of your most ancient writers, a historian named Herodotus, tells of a
+thief who was to be executed. As he was taken away he made a bargain with
+the king: in one year he would teach the king's favorite horse to sing
+hymns. The other prisoners watched the thief singing to the horse and
+laughed. "You will not succeed," they told him. "No one can."
+ To which the thief replied, "I have a year, and who knows what might
+happen in that time. The king might die. The horse might die. I might die.
+And perhaps the horse will learn to sing.
+ -- "The Mote in God's Eye", Niven and Pournelle
+%
+One organism, one vote.
+%
+One person's error is another person's data.
+%
+One picture is worth 128K words.
+%
+One picture is worth more than ten thousand words.
+ -- Chinese proverb
+%
+One pill makes you larger And if you go chasing rabbits
+And, one pill makes you small. And you know you're going to fall.
+And the ones that mother gives you, Tell 'em a hookah smoking caterpillar
+Don't do anything at all. Has given you the call.
+Go ask Alice Call Alice
+When she's ten feet tall. When she was just small.
+
+When men on the chessboard When logic and proportion
+Get up and tell you where to go. Have fallen sloppy dead,
+And you've just had some kind of And the White Knight is talking
+ mushroom backwards
+And your mind is moving low. And the Red Queen's lost her head
+Go ask Alice Remember what the dormouse said:
+I think she'll know. Feed your head.
+ Feed your head.
+ Feed your head.
+ -- Jefferson Airplane, "White Rabbit"
+%
+One planet is all you get.
+%
+One possible reason that things aren't going according to plan
+is that there never was a plan in the first place.
+%
+One possible reason why things aren't going
+according to plan is that there never was a plan.
+%
+One promising concept that I came up with right away was that you could
+manufacture personal air bags, then get a law passed requiring that they be
+installed on congressmen to keep them from taking trips. Let's say your
+congressman was trying to travel to Paris to do a fact-finding study on how
+the French government handles diseases transmitted by sherbet. Just when
+he got to the plane, his mandatory air bag, strapped around his waist, would
+inflate -- FWWAAAAAAPPPP -- thus rendering him too large to fit through the
+plane door. It could also be rigged to inflate whenever the congressman
+proposed a law. ("Mr. Speaker, people ask me, why should October be
+designated as Cuticle Inspection Month? And I answer that FWWAAAAAAPPPP.")
+This would save millions of dollars, so I have no doubt that the public
+would violently support a law requiring airbags on congressmen. The problem
+is that your potential market is very small: there are only around 500
+members of congress.
+%
+One reason why George Washington
+Is held in such veneration:
+He never blamed his problems
+On the former Administration.
+ -- George O. Ludcke
+%
+One Saturday afternoon, during the campaign to decide whether or not there
+should be a Coastal Commission, I took a helicopter ride from Los Angeles
+to San Diego. We passed several state beaches, some crowded and some
+virtually empty. They had the same facilities, and in some cases the crowded
+and the empty beach were within a quarter mile of each other. Obviously
+many beach-goers prefer to be crowded together. Buying more beaches that
+people won't go to because they prefer to be crowded together on one beach
+is a ridiculous waste of our natural resources and our taxes.
+ -- Ronald Reagan
+%
+One seldom sees a monument to a committee.
+%
+One should always be in love. That is the reason one should never marry.
+ -- Oscar Wilde
+%
+ONE SIZE FITS ALL:
+ Doesn't fit anyone.
+%
+One small step for man, one giant stumble for mankind.
+%
+One thing about the past.
+It's likely to last.
+ -- Ogden Nash
+%
+ONE THING KIDS LIKE is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take
+my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to a burned-out
+warehouse. "Oh, oh," I said. "Disneyland burned down." He cried and
+cried, but I think that deep down he thought it was a pretty good joke.
+
+I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty
+late.
+ -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
+%
+One thing the inventors can't seem to
+get the bugs out of is fresh paint.
+%
+One thing they don't tell you about doing experimental physics is that
+sometimes you must work under adverse conditions... like a state of sheer
+terror.
+ -- W.K. Hartmann
+%
+One thought driven home is better than three left on base.
+%
+One time the police stopped me for speeding. They said, "Don't you know the
+speed limit is fifty-five miles an hour?" I said, "Yeah, I know, but I wasn't
+going to be out that long."
+ -- Steven Wright
+%
+One toke over the line, sweet Mary,
+One toke over the line,
+Sittin' downtown in a railway station,
+One toke over the line.
+Waitin' for the train that goes home,
+Hopin' that the train is on time,
+Sittin' downtown in a railway station,
+One toke over the line.
+%
+One way to stop a run away horse is to bet on him.
+%
+One, with God, is always a majority, but many a martyr has been burned at
+the stake while the votes were being counted.
+ -- Thomas B. Reed
+%
+One would like to stroke and caress human beings, but one dares not do so,
+because they bite.
+ -- Vladimir Lenin
+%
+One-Shot Case Study, n:
+ The scientific equivalent of the four-leaf clover, from which
+it is concluded all clovers possess four leaves and are sometimes green.
+%
+On-line:
+ The idea that a human being should always be accessible to a computer.
+%
+Only a fool has no doubts.
+%
+Only a mediocre person is always at his best.
+ -- Laurence Peter
+%
+Only adults have difficulty with childproof caps.
+%
+Only fools are quoted.
+ -- Anonymous
+%
+Only God can make random selections.
+%
+Only great masters of style can succeed in being obtuse.
+ -- Oscar Wilde
+
+Most UNIX programmers are great masters of style.
+ -- The Unnamed Usenetter
+%
+Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four
+essential food groups -- alcohol, caffeine, sugar, and fat.
+ -- Alex Levine
+
+[Oh come on, everybody knows that the four basic food groups are
+hot sugar, cold sugar, carbohydrates and grease. Ed.]
+%
+Only kings, presidents, editors, and people with tapeworms have the right
+to use the editorial "we".
+%
+Only someone with nothing to be sorry for
+smiles back at the rear of an elephant.
+%
+Only that in you which is me can hear what I'm saying.
+ -- Baba Ram Dass
+%
+Only the fittest survive. The vanquished acknowledge their unworthiness by
+placing a classified ad with the ritual phrase "must sell -- best offer,"
+and thereafter dwell in infamy, relegated to discussing gas mileage and lawn
+food. But if successful, you join the elite sodality that spends hours
+unpurifying the dialect of the tribe with arcane talk of bits and bytes, RAMS
+and ROMS, hard disks and baud rates. Are you obnoxious, obsessed? It's a
+modest price to pay. For you have tapped into the same awesome primal power
+that produces credit-card billing errors and lost plane reservations. Hail,
+postindustrial warrior, subduer of Bounceoids, pride of the cosmos, keeper of
+the silicone creed: Computo, ergo sum. The force is with you -- at 110 volts.
+May your RAMS be fruitful and multiply.
+ -- Curt Suplee, "Smithsonian", 4/83
+%
+Only the hypocrite is really rotten to the core.
+ -- Hannah Arendt
+%
+Only those who leisurely approach that which the masses are
+busy about can be busy about that which the masses take leisurely.
+ -- Lao Tsu
+%
+Only two groups of people fall for flattery -- men and women.
+%
+Only two kinds of witnesses exist. The first live in a neighborhood where
+a crime has been committed and in no circumstances have ever seen anything
+or even heard a shot. The second category are the neighbors of anyone who
+happens to be accused of the crime. These have always looked out of their
+windows when the shot was fired, and have noticed the accused person standing
+peacefully on his balcony a few yards away.
+ -- Sicilian police officer
+%
+Only two of my personalities are schizophrenic, but one
+of them is paranoid and the other one is out to get him.
+%
+Only way to open lips of pigeon, sledgehammer.
+%
+Ontogeny recapitulates phylogeny.
+%
+Onward through the fog.
+%
+Operator, please trace this call and tell me where I am.
+%
+Opiates are the religion of the upper-middle classes.
+ -- Debbie VanDam
+%
+Opium is very cheap considering you don't
+feel like eating for the next six days.
+ -- Taylor Mead, famous transvestite
+%
+Oppernockity tunes but once.
+%
+Opportunities are usually disguised as hard
+work, so most people don't recognize them.
+%
+Oprah Winfrey has an incredible talent for getting the weirdest people to
+talk to. And you just HAVE to watch it. "Blind, masochistic minority,
+crippled, depressed, government latrine diggers, and the women who love
+them too much on the next Oprah Winfrey."
+%
+Optimism is the content of small men in high places.
+ -- F. Scott Fitzgerald, "The Crack Up"
+%
+Optimism, n:
+The belief that everything is beautiful, including what is ugly, good, bad,
+and everything right that is wrong. It is held with greatest tenacity by
+those accustomed to falling into adversity, and most acceptably expounded
+with the grin that apes a smile. Being a blind faith, it is inaccessible
+to the light of disproof -- an intellectual disorder, yielding to no treatment
+but death. It is hereditary, but not contagious.
+%
+OPTIMIST:
+ A proponent of the belief that black is white.
+
+ A pessimist asked God for relief.
+ "Ah, you wish me to restore your hope and cheerfulness," said God.
+ "No," replied the petitioner, "I wish you to create something that
+would justify them."
+ "The world is all created," said God, "but you have overlooked
+something -- the mortality of the optimist."
+ -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+%
+OPTIMIST:
+ Someone who goes down to the marriage
+ bureau to see if his license has expired.
+%
+optimist, n:
+ A bagpiper with a beeper.
+%
+Optimization hinders evolution.
+%
+Or you or I must yield up his life to Ahrimanes. I would rather it were you.
+I should have no hesitation in sacrificing my own life to spare yours, but
+we take stock next week, and it would not be fair on the company.
+ -- J. Wellington Wells
+%
+Oral sex is like being attacked by a giant snail.
+ -- Germaine Greer
+%
+Orcs really aren't so bad (if you use lots of catsup).
+%
+Order and simplification are the first steps toward
+mastery of a subject -- the actual enemy is the unknown.
+ -- Thomas Mann
+%
+OREGON:
+ Eighty billion gallons of water with
+ no place to go on Saturday night.
+%
+O'Reilly's Law of the Kitchen:
+Cleanliness is next to impossible
+%
+Oreo
+%
+Organic chemistry is the chemistry of carbon compounds.
+Biochemistry is the study of carbon compounds that crawl.
+ -- Mike Adams
+%
+Original thought is like original sin: both happened before you were born
+to people you could not have possibly met.
+ -- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies"
+%
+Osborn's Law:
+ Variables won't; constants aren't.
+%
+Other than that, Mrs. Lincoln, how did you like the play?
+%
+Other women cloy
+The appetites they feed, but she makes hungry
+Where most she satisfies.
+ -- Antony and Cleopatra
+%
+Others can stop you temporarily, only you can do it permanently.
+%
+Others will look to you for stability,
+so hide when you bite your nails.
+%
+O'Toole's commentary on Murphy's Law:
+ Murphy was an optimist.
+%
+Ouch! That felt good!
+ -- Karen Gordon
+%
+"Our attitude with TCP/IP is, `Hey, we'll do it, but don't make a big
+system, because we can't fix it if it breaks -- nobody can.'"
+
+"TCP/IP is OK if you've got a little informal club, and it doesn't make
+any difference if it takes a while to fix it."
+ -- Ken Olson, in Digital News, 1988
+%
+Our business in life is not to succeed
+but to continue to fail in high spirits.
+ -- Robert Louis Stevenson
+%
+Our congratulations go to a Burlington Vermont civilian employee of the
+local Army National Guard base. He recently received a substational cash
+award from our government for inventing a device for optical scanning.
+His device reportedly will save the government more than $6 million a year
+by replacing a more expensive helicopter maintenance tool with his own,
+home-made, hand-held model.
+
+Not suprisingly, we also have a couple of money-saving ideas that we submit
+to the Pentagon free of charge:
+
+ a. Don't kill anybody.
+ b. Don't build things that do.
+ c. And don't pay other people to kill anybody.
+
+We expect annual savings to be in the billions.
+ -- Sojourners
+%
+Our country has plenty of good five-cent cigars,
+but the trouble is they charge fifteen cents for them.
+%
+Our documentation manager was showing her 2 year old son around the office.
+He was introduced to me, at which time he pointed out that we were both
+holding bags of popcorn. We were both holding bottles of juice. But only
+*he* had a lollipop.
+ He asked his mother, "Why doesn't HE have a lollipop?"
+ Her reply: "He can have a lollipop any time he wants to. That's
+what it means to be a programmer."
+%
+Our government has kept us in a perpetual state of fear -- kept us in a
+continuous stampede of patriotic fervor -- with the cry of grave national
+emergency... Always there has been some terrible evil to gobble us up if we
+did not blindly rally behind it by furnishing the exorbitant sums demanded.
+Yet, in retrospect, these disasters seem never to have happened, seem never
+to have been quite real.
+ -- General Douglas MacArthur, 1957
+%
+Our houseplants have a good sense of humous.
+%
+Our informal mission is to improve the love life of operators worldwide.
+ -- Peter Behrendt, president of Exabyte
+%
+Our little systems have their day;
+They have their day and cease to be;
+They are but broken lights of thee.
+ -- Tennyson
+%
+Our OS who art in CPU, UNIX be thy name.
+Thy programs run, thy syscalls done,
+In kernel as it is in user.
+%
+Our parents were of Midwestern stock and very strict. They didn't want us
+to grow up to be spoiled and rich. If we left our tennis racquets in the
+rain, we were punished.
+ -- Nancy Ellis (George Bush's sister), in the New Republic
+%
+Our policy is, when in doubt, do the right thing.
+ -- Roy L. Ash, ex-president, Litton Industries
+%
+Our problems are so serious that the best
+way to talk about them is lightheartedly.
+%
+Our sires' age was worse that our grandsires'.
+We their sons are more worthless than they:
+so in our turn we shall give the world a progeny yet more corrupt.
+ -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)
+%
+Our swords shall play the orators for us.
+ -- Christopher Marlowe
+%
+Our universe itself keeps on expanding and expanding,
+In all of the directions it can whiz;
+As fast as it can go, that's the speed of light, you know,
+Twelve million miles a minute and that's the fastest speed there is.
+So remember, when you're feeling very small and insecure,
+How amazingly unlikely is your birth;
+And pray that there's intelligent life somewhere out in space,
+'Cause there's bugger all down here on Earth!
+ -- Monty Python
+%
+Ours is a world of nuclear giants and ethical infants.
+ -- General Omar N. Bradley
+%
+Ours is a world where people don't know what they
+want and are willing to go through hell to get it.
+%
+Out of sight is out of mind.
+ -- Arthur Clough
+%
+Out of the crooked timber of humanity no straight thing can ever be made.
+ -- Immanuel Kant
+%
+Out of the mouths of babes does often come cereal.
+%
+Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside a dog it's too
+dark to read.
+%
+Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it is too
+dark to read.
+ -- Groucho Marx
+%
+Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too
+dark to read.
+ -- Groucho Marx
+%
+Over the shoulder supervision is more a
+need of the manager than the programming task.
+%
+Overall, the philosophy is to attack the availability problem from two
+complementary directions: to reduce the number of software errors through
+rigorous testing of running systems, and to reduce the effect of the remaining
+errors by providing for recovery from them. An interesting footnote to this
+design is that now a system failure can usually be considered to be the
+result of two program errors: the first, in the program that started the
+problem; the second, in the recovery routine that could not protect the
+system.
+ -- A.L. Scherr, "Functional Structure of IBM Virtual Storage
+ Operating Systems, Part II: OS/VS-2 Concepts and
+ Philosophies," IBM Systems Journal, Vol. 12, No. 4.
+%
+Overconfidence breeds error when we take for granted that the game will
+continue on its normal course; when we fail to provide for an unusually
+powerful resource -- a check, a sacrifice, a stalemate. Afterwards the
+victim may wail, `But who could have dreamt of such an idiotic-looking
+move?'
+ -- Fred Reinfeld, "The Complete Chess Course"
+%
+Overdrawn? But I still have checks left!
+%
+Overflow on /dev/null, please empty the bit bucket.
+%
+Overheard:
+ "How do I feel? Great! And I kiss pretty good, too!"
+%
+Overload -- core meltdown sequence initiated.
+%
+Owe no man any thing...
+ -- Romans 13:8
+%
+Oxygen is a very toxic gas and an extreme fire hazard. It is fatal in
+concentrations of as little as 0.000001 p.p.m. Humans exposed to the
+oxygen concentrations die within a few minutes. Symptoms resemble very
+much those of cyanide poisoning (blue face, etc.). In higher
+concentrations, e.g. 20%, the toxic effect is somewhat delayed and it
+takes about 2.5 billion inhalations before death takes place. The reason
+for the delay is the difference in the mechanism of the toxic effect of
+oxygen in 20% concentration. It apparently contributes to a complex
+process called aging, of which very little is known, except that it is
+always fatal.
+
+However, the main disadvantage of the 20% oxygen concentration is in the
+fact it is habit forming. The first inhalation (occurring at birth) is
+sufficient to make oxygen addiction permanent. After that, any
+considerable decrease in the daily oxygen doses results in death with
+symptoms resembling those of cyanide poisoning.
+
+Oxygen is an extreme fire hazard. All of the fires that were reported in
+the continental U.S. for the period of the past 25 years were found to be
+due to the presence of this gas in the atmosphere surrounding the buildings
+in question.
+
+Oxygen is especially dangerous because it is odorless, colorless and
+tasteless, so that its presence can not be readily detected until it is
+too late.
+ -- Chemical & Engineering News February 6, 1956
+%
+Ozman's Laws:
+ (1) If someone says he will do something "without fail," he won't.
+ (2) The more people talk on the phone, the less money they make.
+ (3) People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.
+ (4) Pizza always burns the roof of your mouth.
+%
+paak, n: A stadium or inclosed playing field. To put or leave (a
+ a vehicle) for a time in a certain location.
+patato, n: The starchy, edible tuber of a widely cultivated plant.
+Septemba, n: The 9th month of the year.
+shua, n: Having no doubt; certain.
+sista, n: A female having the same mother and father as the speaker.
+tamato, n: A fleshy, smooth-skinned reddish fruit eaten in salads
+ or as a vegetable.
+troopa, n: A state policeman.
+Wista, n: A city in central Masschewsetts.
+yaad, n: A tract of ground adjacent to a building.
+ -- Massachewsetts Unabridged Dictionary
+%
+PAIN:
+ Falling out of a twenty story building,
+ and snagging your eyelid on a nail.
+%
+PAIN:
+ One thing, at least it proves that you're alive!
+%
+PAIN:
+ Sliding down a 50-foot razor blade into a bucket of alcohol.
+%
+Pain is just God's way of hurting you.
+%
+Pandora's Rule:
+ Never open a box you didn't close.
+%
+panic: can't find /
+%
+panic: kernal segmentation violation. core dumped (only kidding)
+%
+Paprika Measure:
+
+ 2 dashes == 1smidgen
+ 2 smidgens == 1 pinch
+ 3 pinches == 1 soupcon
+ 2 soupcons == too much paprika
+%
+Paralysis through analysis.
+%
+PARANOIA:
+ A healthy understanding of the way the universe works.
+%
+Paranoia doesn't mean the whole world isn't out to get you.
+%
+Paranoia is heightened awareness.
+%
+Paranoia is simply an optimistic outlook on life.
+%
+Paranoid Club meeting this Friday.
+Now ... just try to find out where!
+%
+Paranoids are people, too; they have their own problems. It's easy
+to criticize, but if everybody hated you, you'd be paranoid too.
+ -- D.J. Hicks
+%
+Pardon me while I laugh.
+%
+Parents often talk about the younger generation as if they
+didn't have much of anything to do with it.
+%
+Parkinson's Fifth Law:
+ If there is a way to delay in important decision, the good
+ bureaucracy, public or private, will find it.
+%
+Parkinson's Fourth Law:
+ The number of people in any working group tends to increase
+ regardless of the amount of work to be done.
+%
+Parsley is gharsley.
+ -- Ogden Nash
+%
+Parts that positively cannot be assembled in improper order will be.
+%
+PARTY:
+ A gathering where you meet people who drink
+ so much you can't even remember their names.
+%
+Pascal:
+ A programming language named after a man who would turn over
+ in his grave if he knew about it.
+ -- Datamation, January 15, 1984
+%
+Pascal:
+ A programming language named after a man who would turn over in his
+ grave if he knew about it.
+%
+Pascal is a language for children wanting to be naughty.
+ -- Dr. Kasi Ananthanarayanan
+%
+Pascal is not a high-level language.
+ -- Steven Feiner
+%
+Pascal Users:
+ The Pascal system will be replaced next Tuesday by Cobol.
+ Please modify your programs accordingly.
+%
+Pascal Users:
+ To show respect for the 313th anniversary (tomorrow) of the
+ death of Blaise Pascal, your programs will be run at half speed.
+%
+Passionate hatred can give meaning and purpose to an empty life.
+ -- Eric Hoffer
+%
+Password:
+%
+Passwords are implemented as a result of insecurity.
+%
+Paster Crosstalk: What items are specifically mentioned by GOD as being
+ unclean? Now did you know... preying birds... praying mantises...
+ All birds of prey, all carrion eaters, fish eaters -- no good, can't
+ eat those. Nothing that does not have both fins and scales. Most
+ CREEPING things...
+Alvarado: How 'bout caterpillars?
+P: A caterpillar doesn't have a backbone. Nothing without a backbone
+ can get in.
+A: How do you know? You char a caterpillar, it gets real stiff!
+P: Well, I don't think that the Lord meant us to eat CHARRED
+ CATERPILLARS!
+[...]
+P: The hog, the squirrel... little squirrels. Who would want to eat
+ a LITTLE SQUIRREL?
+A: If you're starving. If you're starving in the park one day.
+P: You'd probably just CHAR 'em to get 'em stiff, wouldn't ya?
+A: No, you SINGE 'em. You SINGE 'em and eat 'em. *I* read about the
+ Donner Pass, I know what man does when he's hungry.
+P: Squirrels eating squirrels -- my GOD, that's sick!
+A: That's sick, SURE. But a MAN eating a squirrel -- that's (heh, heh)
+ par for the course, Charlie.
+ -- Firesign Theatre
+%
+Patch griefs with proverbs.
+ -- William Shakespeare, "Much Ado About Nothing"
+%
+patent:
+ A method of publicizing inventions so others can copy them.
+%
+"Pathetic," he said. "That's what it is. Pathetic."
+(crosses stream)
+"As I thought," he said, "no better from *this* side."
+ -- Eyeore
+%
+Patience is a minor form of despair, disguised as virtue.
+ -- Ambrose Bierce, on qualifiers
+%
+Patience is the best remedy for every trouble.
+ -- Titus Maccius Plautus
+%
+Patriotism is the last refuge of a scoundrel.
+ -- S. Johnson, "The Life of Samuel Johnson" by J. Boswell
+
+In Dr. Johnson's famous dictionary patriotism is defined as the last
+resort of the scoundrel. With all due respect to an enlightened but
+inferior lexicographer I beg to submit that it is the first.
+ -- Ambrose Bierce
+
+When Dr. Johnson defined patriotism as the last refuge of a scoundrel,
+he ignored the enormous possibilities of the word reform.
+ -- Sen. Roscoe Conkling
+
+Public office is the last refuge of a scoundrel.
+ -- Boies Penrose
+%
+Patriotism is the virtue of the vicious.
+ -- Oscar Wilde
+%
+Pauca sed matura. (Few but excellent.)
+ -- Gauss
+%
+Paul Revere was a tattle-tale.
+%
+Paulg's Law:
+ In America, it's not how much an
+ item costs, it's how much you save.
+%
+Paul's Law:
+ You can't fall off the floor.
+%
+Pause for storage relocation.
+%
+paycheck:
+ The weekly $5.27 that remains after deductions for federal
+ withholding, state withholding, city withholding, FICA,
+ medical/dental, long-term disability, unemployment insurance,
+ Christmas Club, and payroll savings plan contributions.
+%
+Payeen to a Twang
+Derrida
+Ore-Ida
+potato.
+
+If you dared,
+I'd ask you
+to go dig
+up your ides under brown-
+tubered skies.
+
+where pitchforked
+you will ask
+Derrida?
+%
+Peace be to this house, and all that dwell in it.
+%
+Peace cannot be kept by force; it
+can only be achieved by understanding.
+ -- A. Einstein
+%
+Peace is much more precious than a piece
+of land... let there be no more wars.
+ -- Mohammed Anwar Sadat, 1918-1981
+%
+Peace, n:
+ In international affairs, a period of cheating between two
+ periods of fighting.
+ -- Ambrose Bierce
+%
+Peanut Blossoms
+
+4 cups sugar 16 tbsp. milk
+4 cups brown sugar 4 tsp. vanilla
+4 cups shortening 14 cups flour
+8 eggs 4 tsp. soda
+4 cups peanut butter 4 tsp. salt
+
+Shape dough into balls. Roll in sugar and bake on ungreased
+cookie sheet at 375 F. for 10-12 minutes. Immediately top
+each cookie with a Hershey's kiss or star pressing down firmly
+to crack cookie. Makes a hell of a lot.
+%
+Pecor's Health-Food Principle:
+ Never eat rutabaga on any day of
+ the week that has a "y" in it.
+%
+pediddel:
+ A car with only one working headlight.
+ -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
+%
+Pedro Guerrero was playing third base for the Los Angeles Dodgers in 1984
+when he made the comment that earns him a place in my Hall of Fame. Second
+baseman Steve Sax was having trouble making his throws. Other players were
+diving, screaming, signaling for a fair catch. At the same time, Guerrero,
+at third, was making a few plays that weren't exactly soothing to manager
+Tom Lasorda's stomach. Lasorda decided it was time for one of his famous
+motivational meetings and zeroed in on Guerrero: "How can you play third
+base like that? You've gotta be thinking about something besides baseball.
+What is it?"
+ "I'm only thinking about two things," Guerrero said. "First, `I
+hope they don't hit the ball to me.'" The players snickered, and even
+Lasorda had to fight off a laugh. "Second, `I hope they don't hit the ball
+to Sax.'"
+ -- Joe Garagiola, "It's Anybody's Ball Game"
+%
+Peeping Tom:
+ A window fan.
+%
+Peers's Law:
+The solution to a problem changes the nature of the problem.
+%
+Pelorat sighed.
+ "I will never understand people."
+ "There's nothing to it. All you have to do is take a close look
+at yourself and you will understand everyone else. How would Seldon have
+worked out his Plan -- and I don't care how subtle his mathematics was --
+if he didn't understand people; and how could he have done that if people
+weren't easy to understand? You show me someone who can't understand
+people and I'll show you someone who has built up a false image of himself
+-- no offense intended."
+ -- Asimov, "Foundation's Edge"
+%
+Penguin Trivia #46:
+ Animals who are not penguins can only wish they were.
+%
+PENGUINICITY!!
+%
+pension:
+ A federally insured chain letter.
+%
+People (a group that in my opinion has always attracted an undue amount of
+attention) have often been likened to snowflakes. This analogy is meant to
+suggest that each is unique -- no two alike. This is quite patently not the
+case. People ... are simply a dime a dozen. And, I hasten to add, their
+only similarity to snowflakes resides in their invariable and lamentable
+tendency to turn, after a few warm days, to slush.
+ -- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies"
+%
+People are always available for work in the past tense.
+%
+People are beginning to notice you.
+Try dressing before you leave the house.
+%
+People are like onions -- you cut them up, and they make you cry.
+%
+People are unconditionally guaranteed to be full of defects.
+%
+People don't change; they only become more so.
+%
+People don't make the same mistake twice -- they make it three times,
+four times...
+%
+People don't usually make the same mistake twice -- they make it three
+times, four time, five times...
+%
+People in general do not willingly read
+if they have anything else to amuse them.
+ -- S. Johnson
+%
+People love high ideals, but they got to be about 33-percent plausible.
+ -- The Best of Will Rogers
+%
+People never lie so much as after a hunt, during a war, or before an
+election.
+ -- Otto Von Bismarck
+%
+People of privilege will always risk their complete destruction
+rather than surrender any material part of their advantage.
+ -- John Kenneth Galbraith
+%
+People often find it easier to be a
+result of the past than a cause of the future.
+%
+People respond to people who respond.
+%
+People say I live in my own little fantasy world... well, at least they
+*know* me there!
+ -- D.L. Roth
+%
+People seem to enjoy things more when they know a lot of other people
+have been left out on the pleasure.
+ -- Russell Baker
+%
+People seem to think that the blanket phrase, "I only work here,"
+absolves them utterly from any moral obligation in terms of the
+public -- but this was precisely Eichmann's excuse for his job in
+the concentration camps.
+%
+People tend to make rules for others and exceptions for themselves.
+%
+People that can't find something to live for always seem to find something
+to die for. The problem is, they usually want the rest of us to die for
+it too.
+%
+People think love is an emotion. Love is good sense.
+ -- Ken Kesey
+%
+People usually get what's coming to them -- unless it's been mailed.
+%
+People who are funny and smart and return phone calls get
+much better press than people who are just funny and smart.
+ -- Howard Simons, "The Washington Post"
+%
+People who claim they don't let little things bother
+them have never slept in a room with a single mosquito.
+%
+People who fight fire with fire usually end up with ashes.
+ -- Abigail Van Buren
+%
+People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.
+%
+People who have no faults are terrible;
+there is no way of taking advantage of them.
+%
+People who have what they want are very fond of telling
+people who haven't what they want that they don't want it.
+ -- Ogden Nash
+%
+People who make no mistakes do not usually make anything.
+%
+People who push both buttons should get their wish.
+%
+People who take cat naps don't usually sleep in a cat's cradle.
+%
+People who take cold baths never have rheumatism, but they have
+cold baths.
+%
+People who think they know everything
+greatly annoy those of us who do.
+%
+People will accept your ideas much more readily if
+you tell them that Benjamin Franklin said it first.
+%
+People will buy anything that's one to a customer.
+%
+People with narrow minds usually have broad tongues.
+%
+People's Action Rules:
+ (1) Some people who can, shouldn't.
+ (2) Some people who should, won't.
+ (3) Some people who shouldn't, will.
+ (4) Some people who can't, will try, regardless.
+ (5) Some people who shouldn't, but try, will then blame others.
+%
+Per buck you get more computing action with the small computer.
+ -- R.W. Hamming
+%
+Pereant, inquit, qui ante nos nostra dixerunt.
+[Confound those who have said our remarks before us.]
+or
+[May they perish who have expressed our bright ideas before us.]
+ -- Aelius Donatus
+%
+Perfect day for scrubbing the floor and other exciting things.
+%
+perfect guest:
+ One who makes his host feel at home.
+%
+Perfection is finally attained, not when there is no longer
+anything to add, but when there is no longer anything to take away.
+ -- Antoine de Saint-Exupery
+%
+Perfection is reached, not when there is no longer anything
+to add, but when there is no longer anything to take away.
+ -- Antoine de Saint-Exupery
+%
+Performance:
+ A statement of the speed at which a computer system works. Or
+ rather, might work under certain circumstances. Or was rumored
+ to be working over in Jersey about a month ago.
+%
+Perhaps, after all, America never has been discovered.
+I myself would say that it had merely been detected.
+ -- Oscar Wilde
+%
+Perhaps no person can be a poet, or even enjoy
+poetry without a certain unsoundness of mind.
+ -- Thomas Macaulay
+%
+Perhaps the biggest disappointments were the ones you expected anyway.
+%
+Perhaps the most widespread illusion is that if we were in power we would
+behave very differently from those who now hold it -- when, in truth, in
+order to get power we would have to become very much like them. (Lenin's
+fatal mistake, both in theory and in practice.)
+%
+Perhaps the world's second worst crime is boredom. The first is
+being a bore.
+ -- Cecil Beaton
+%
+Perilous to all of us are the devices of
+an art deeper than we ourselves possess.
+ -- Gandalf the Grey
+%
+Periphrasis is the putting of things in a round-about way. "The cost may be
+upwards of a figure rather below 10m#." is a periphrasis for The cost may be
+nearly 10m#. "In Paris there reigns a complete absence of really reliable
+news" is a periphrasis for There is no reliable news in Paris. "Rarely does
+the 'Little Summer' linger until November, but at times its stay has been
+prolonged until quite late in the year's penultimate month" contains a
+periphrasis for November, and another for lingers. "The answer is in the
+negative" is a periphrasis for No. "Was made the recipient of" is a
+periphrasis for Was presented with. The periphrasis style is hardly possible
+on any considerable scale without much use of abstract nouns such as "basis,
+case, character, connexion, dearth, description, duration, framework, lack,
+nature, reference, regard, respect". The existence of abstract nouns is a
+proof that abstract thought has occurred; abstract thought is a mark of
+civilized man; and so it has come about that periphrasis and civilization are
+by many held to be inseparable. These good people feel that there is an almost
+indecent nakedness, a reversion to barbarism, in saying No news is good news
+instead of "The absence of intelligence is an indication of satisfactory
+developments."
+ -- Fowler's English Usage
+%
+Persistence in one opinion has never been considered
+a merit in political leaders.
+ -- Marcus Tullius Cicero, "Ad familiares", 1st century BC
+%
+Personifiers of the world, unite!
+You have nothing to lose but Mr. Dignity!
+ -- Bernadette Bosky
+%
+Personifiers Unite! You have nothing to lose but Mr. Dignity!
+%
+Persons attempting to find a motive in this narrative will be prosecuted;
+persons attempting to find a moral in it will be banished; persons attempting
+to find a plot in it will be shot. By Order of the Author
+ -- Mark Twain, "Tom Sawyer"
+%
+pessimist:
+ A man who spends all his time worrying about how he can keep the
+ wolf from the door.
+
+optimist:
+ A man who refuses to see the wolf until he seizes the seat of
+ his pants.
+
+opportunist:
+ A man who invites the wolf in and appears the next day in a fur coat.
+%
+Pete: Waiter, this meat is bad.
+Waiter: Who told you?
+Pete: A little swallow.
+%
+Peter's hungry, time to eat lunch.
+%
+Peter's Law of Substitution:
+ Look after the molehills, and the
+ mountains will look after themselves.
+
+Peter's Principle of Success:
+ Get up one time more than you're knocked down.
+
+Peter's Principle:
+ In every hierarchy, each employee tends to rise to the level of
+ his incompetence.
+%
+Peterson's Admonition:
+ When you think you're going down for the third time --
+ just remember that you may have counted wrong.
+%
+Peterson's Rules:
+ (1) Trucks that overturn on freeways
+ are filled with something sticky.
+ (2) No cute baby in a carriage is ever a girl when called one.
+ (3) Things that tick are not always clocks.
+ (4) Suicide only works when you're bluffing.
+%
+petribar:
+ Any sun-bleached prehistoric candy that has been sitting in
+ the window of a vending machine too long.
+ -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
+%
+Phasers locked on target, Captain.
+%
+Philadelphia is not dull -- it just seems so
+because it is next to exciting Camden, New Jersy.
+%
+Philogyny recapitulates erogeny; erogeny recapitulates philogyny.
+%
+philosophy:
+ The ability to bear with calmness the misfortunes of our friends.
+%
+philosophy:
+ Unintelligible answers to insoluble problems.
+%
+Phone call for chucky-pooh.
+%
+phosflink:
+ To flick a bulb on and off when it burns out (as if, somehow, that
+ will bring it back to life).
+ -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
+%
+Photographing a volcano is just about
+the most miserable thing you can do.
+ -- Robert B. Goodman
+ [Who has clearly never tried to use a PDP-10. Ed.]
+%
+Physically there is nothing to distinguish human society from the
+farm-yard except that children are more troublesome and costly than
+chickens and women are not so completely enslaved as farm stock.
+ -- George Bernard Shaw, "Getting Married"
+%
+Picking up the pieces of my sweet shattered dream,
+I wonder how the old folks are tonight,
+Her name was Ann, and I'll be damned if I recall her face,
+She left me not knowing what to do.
+
+Carefree Highway, let me slip away on you,
+Carefree Highway, you seen better days,
+The morning after blues, from my head down to my shoes,
+Carefree Highway, let me slip away, slip away, on you...
+
+Turning back the pages to the times I love best,
+I wonder if she'll ever do the same,
+Now the thing that I call livin' is just bein' satisfied,
+With knowing I got noone left to blame.
+Carefree Highway, I got to see you, my old flame...
+
+Searching through the fragments of my dream shattered sleep,
+I wonder if the years have closed her mind,
+I guess it must be wanderlust or tryin' to get free,
+From the good old faithful feelin' we once knew.
+ -- Gordon Lightfoot, "Carefree Highway"
+%
+Pickle's Law:
+ If Congress must do a painful thing,
+ the thing must be done in an odd-number year.
+%
+Piddle, twiddle, and resolve,
+Not one damn thing do we solve.
+ -- 1776
+%
+Pie are not square. Pie are round. Cornbread are square.
+%
+Piece of cake!
+ -- G.S. Koblas
+%
+pig, n:
+ An animal (Porcus omnivorous) closely allied to the human race by
+ the splendor and vivacity of its appetite, which, however, is
+ inferior in scope, for it balks at pig.
+ -- Ambrose Bierce
+%
+Pilfering Treasure property is paticularly dangerous: big thieves are
+ruthless in punishing little thieves.
+ -- Diogenes
+%
+Pilots should avoid using illegal drugs.
+ -- AOPA's Pilot's Handbook, 1988
+%
+Piping down the valleys wild,
+Piping songs of pleasant glee,
+On a cloud I saw a child,
+And he laughing said to me:
+"Pipe a song about a Lamb!"
+So I piped with merry cheer.
+"Piper, pipe that song again;"
+So I piped: he wept to hear.
+ -- William Blake, "Songs of Innocence"
+%
+Pipo was born with few complications, but then the doctor accidently dropped
+the infant on her head provoking her drunken father to drag the physician
+outside where he would beat him to death with a live ocelot.
+ -- Love and Rockets
+%
+PISCES (Feb. 19 - Mar. 20)
+ You have a vivid imagination and often think you are being followed
+ by the CIA or FBI. You have minor influence over your associates
+ and people resent your flaunting of your power. You lack confidence
+ and you are generally a coward. Pisces people do terrible things to
+ small animals.
+%
+PISCES (Feb. 19 to Mar. 20)
+ Take the high road, look for the good things, carry the American
+ Express card and a weapon. The world is yours today, as nobody
+ else wants it. Your mortgage will be foreclosed. You will probably
+ get run over by a bus.
+%
+PISCES (Feb.19 - Mar.20)
+ You will get some very interesting news of a promotion today.
+ It will go to someone in the office you dislike and will be the
+ job you wanted. Don't lend anyone a car today. You don't have
+ a car.
+%
+pixel, n:
+ A mischievous, magical spirit associated with screen displays.
+ The computer industry has frequently borrowed from mythology:
+ Witness the sprites in computer graphics, the demons in artificial
+ intelligence, and the trolls in the marketing department.
+%
+P-K4
+%
+PL/1, "the fatal disease", belongs more
+to the problem set than to the solution set.
+ -- Edsger W. Dijkstra
+%
+Plagiarize, plagiarize,
+Let no man's work evade your eyes,
+Remember why the good Lord made your eyes,
+Don't shade your eyes,
+But plagiarize, plagiarize, plagiarize.
+Only be sure to call it research.
+ -- Tom Lehrer
+%
+Planet Claire has pink hair.
+All the trees are red.
+No one ever dies there.
+No one has a head....
+%
+Plastic... Aluminum... These are the inheritors of the Universe!
+Flesh and Blood have had their day... and that day is past!
+ -- Green Lantern Comics
+%
+Plato, by the way, wanted to banish all poets from his proposed Utopia
+because they were liars. The truth was that Plato knew philosophers
+couldn't compete successfully with poets.
+ -- Kilgore Trout, "Venus on the Half Shell"
+%
+PLATONIC FRIENDSHIP:
+ What develops when two people get
+ tired of making love to each other.
+%
+Please do not look directly into laser with remaining eye.
+%
+Please don't put a strain on our friendship
+by asking me to do something for you.
+%
+Please don't recommend me to your friends--
+it's difficult enough to cope with you alone.
+%
+PLEASE DON'T SMOKE HERE!
+
+Penalty: An early, lingering death from cancer,
+ emphysema, or other smoking-caused ailment.
+%
+Please forgive me if, in the heat of battle,
+I sometimes forget which side I'm on.
+%
+Please go away.
+%
+Please help keep the world clean: others may wish to use it.
+%
+Please ignore previous fortune.
+%
+Please keep your hands off the secretary's reproducing equipment.
+%
+Please, Mother! I'd rather do it myself!
+%
+Please remain calm, it's no use both of
+us being hysterical at the same time.
+%
+Please stand for the Nation Anthem:
+
+ O Canada
+ Our home and native land
+ True patriot love
+ In all thy sons' command
+ With glowing hearts we see thee rise
+ The true north strong and free
+ From far and wide, O Canada
+ We stand on guard for thee
+ God keep our land glorious and free
+ O Canada we stand on guard for thee
+ O Canada we stand on guard for thee
+
+Thank you. You may resume your seat.
+%
+Please stand for the National Anthem:
+
+ Australian's all, let us rejoice,
+ For we are young and free.
+ We've golden soil and wealth for toil
+ Our home is girt by sea.
+ Our land abounds in nature's gifts
+ Of beauty rich and rare.
+ In history's page, let every stage
+ Advance Australia Fair.
+ In joyful strains then let us sing,
+ Advance Australia Fair.
+
+Thank you. You may resume your seat.
+%
+Please stand for the National Anthem:
+
+ God save our Gracious Queen!
+ Long live our Noble Queen!
+ God save the Queen!
+ Send her victorious,
+ Happy and glorious,
+ Long to reign o'er us!
+ God save the Queen!
+
+Thank you. You may resume your seat.
+%
+Please stand for the National Anthem:
+
+ Oh, say can you see by dawn's early light
+ What so proudly we hailed at the twilight's last gleaming?
+ Whose broad stripes and bright stars through the perilous fight
+ O'er the ramparts we watched were so gallantly streaming?
+ And the rockets' red glare, the bombs bursting in air,
+ Gave proof through the night that our flag was still there.
+ Oh, say does that star-spangled banner yet wave
+ O'er the land of the free and the home of the brave?
+
+Thank you. You may resume your seat.
+%
+Please take note:
+%
+Please try to limit the amount of "this room doesn't have any bazingas"
+until you are told that those rooms are "punched out." Once punched out,
+we have a right to complain about atrocities, missing bazingas, and such.
+ -- N. Meyrowitz
+%
+Please, won't somebody tell me what diddie-wa-diddie means?
+%
+PL/I -- "the fatal disease" -- belongs more to the problem set than to the
+solution set.
+ -- Edsger W. Dijkstra, SIGPLAN Notices, Volume 17, Number 5
+%
+Plots are like girdles. Hidden, they hold your interest; revealed, they're
+of no interest except to fetishists. Like girdles, they attempt to contain
+an uncontainable experience.
+ -- R.S. Knapp
+%
+PLUG IT IN!!!
+%
+Plus ca change, plus c'est le meme chose.
+%
+Pohl's law:
+ Nothing is so good that somebody, somewhere, will not hate it.
+%
+poisoned coffee, n:
+ Grounds for divorce.
+%
+Poland has gun control.
+%
+Political history is far too criminal a subject to be a fit thing to
+teach children.
+ -- W.H. Auden
+%
+Political speeches are like steer horns. A point
+here, a point there, and a lot of bull inbetween.
+ -- Alfred E. Neuman
+%
+Political television commercials prove one thing: some candidates
+can tell all their good points and qualifications in just 30 seconds.
+%
+POLITICIAN:
+ From the Greek 'poly' ("many") and the French 'tete' ("head" or
+ "face," as in 'tete-a-tete': head to head or face to face).
+ Hence 'polytetien', a person of two or more faces.
+ -- Martin Pitt
+%
+Politicians are the same everywhere. They promise
+to build a bridge even where there is no river.
+ -- Nikita Khrushchev
+%
+Politicians should read science fiction, not westerns and detective stories.
+ -- Arthur C. Clarke
+%
+Politicians speak for their parties, and parties never are, never have
+been, and never will be wrong.
+ -- Walter Dwight
+%
+Politics -- the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign
+funds from the rich by promising to protect each from the other.
+ -- Oscar Ameringer
+%
+Politics and the fate of mankind are formed by men without ideals and
+without greatness. Those who have greatness within them do not go in
+for politics.
+ -- Albert Camus
+%
+Politics are almost as exciting as war, and quite as
+dangerous. In war, you can only be killed once.
+ -- Winston Churchill
+%
+Politics, as a practice, whatever its professions, has always been the
+systematic organisation of hatreds.
+ -- Henry Adams, "The Education of Henry Adams"
+%
+Politics is like coaching a football team. You have to be smart
+enough to understand the game but not smart enough to lose interest.
+%
+Politics is not the art of the possible. It consists in choosing
+between the disastrous and the unpalatable.
+ -- John Kenneth Galbraith
+%
+Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to
+realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.
+ -- Ronald Reagan
+%
+Politics is the ability to foretell what is going to happen tomorrow, next
+week, next month and next year. And to have the ability afterwards to
+explain why it didn't happen.
+ -- Winston Churchill
+%
+Politics, like religion, hold up the
+torches of matrydom to the reformers of error.
+ -- Thomas Jefferson
+%
+Politics makes strange bedfellows, and journalism makes strange politics.
+ -- Amy Gorin
+%
+politics, n:
+ A strife of interests masquerading as a contest of principles.
+ The conduct of public affairs for private advantage.
+ -- Ambrose Bierce
+%
+Pollyanna's Educational Constant:
+ The hyperactive child is never absent.
+%
+POLYGON:
+ Dead parrot.
+%
+Polymer physicists are into chains.
+%
+Poorman's Rule:
+ When you pull a plastic garbage bag from its handy dispenser
+ package, you always get hold of the closed end and try to
+ pull it open.
+%
+Pope Goestheveezl was the shortest reigning pope in the history of the
+Church, reigning for two hours and six minutes on 1 April 1866. The white
+smoke had hardly faded into the blue of the Vatican skies before it dawned
+on the assembled multitudes in St. Peter's Square that his name had hilarious
+possibilities. The crowds fell about, helpless with laughter, singing
+
+ Half a pound of tuppenny rice
+ Half a pound of treacle
+ That's the way the chimney smokes
+ Pope Goestheveezl
+
+The square was finally cleared by armed carabineri with tears of laughter
+streaming down their faces. The event set a record for hilarious civic
+functions, smashing the previous record set when Baron Hans Neizant
+Bompzidaize was elected Landburgher of Koln in 1653.
+ -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
+%
+Populus vult decipi.
+[The people like to be deceived.]
+%
+Porsche; there simply is no substitute.
+ -- Risky Business
+%
+POSITIVE:
+ Being mistaken at the top of your voice.
+%
+Possessions increase to fill the space available for their storage.
+ -- Ryan
+%
+Post proelium, praemium.
+[After the battle, the reward.]
+%
+Postmen never die, they just lose their zip.
+%
+Potahto' Pictures Productions Presents:
+
+ SPUD ROGERS OF THE 25TH CENTURY: Story of an Air Force potato that's
+left in a rarely used chow hall for over two centuries and wakes up in a world
+populated by soybean created imitations under the evil Dick Tater. Thanks to
+him, the soy-potatoes learn that being a 'tater is where it's at. Memorable
+line, "'Cause I'm just a stud spud!"
+
+ FRIDAY THE 13TH DINER SERIES: Crazed potato who was left in a
+fryer too long and was charbroiled carelessly returns to wreak havoc on
+unsuspecting, would-be teen camp cooks. Scenes include a girl being stuffed
+with chives and Fleischman's Margarine and a boy served up on a side dish
+with beets and dressing. Definitely not for the squeamish, or those on
+diets that are driving them crazy.
+
+ FRIDAY THE 13TH DINER II,III,IV,V,VI: Much, much more of the same.
+Except with sour cream.
+%
+Potahto' Pictures Productions Presents:
+
+ THE TATERNATOR: Cyborg spud returns from the future to present-day
+McDonald's restaurant to kill the potatoess (girl 'tater) who will give birth
+to the world's largest french fry (The Dark Powers of Burger King are clearly
+behind this). Most quotable line: "Ah'll be baked..."
+
+ A FISTFUL OF FRIES: Western in which our hero, The Spud with No Name,
+rides into a town that's deprived of carbohydrates thanks to the evil takeover
+of the low-cal Scallopinni Brothers. Plenty of smokeouts, fry-em-ups, and
+general butter-melting by all.
+
+ FOR A FEW FRIES MORE: Takes up where AFOF left off! Cameo by Walter
+Cronkite, as every man's common 'tater!
+%
+POVERTY:
+ An unfortunate state that persists as long
+ as anyone lacks anything he would like to have.
+%
+Poverty begins at home.
+%
+Poverty must have its satisfactions, else there would not be so many
+poor people.
+ -- Don Herold
+%
+POWER:
+ The only narcotic regulated by the SEC instead of the FDA.
+%
+Power corrupts. Absolute power is kind of neat.
+ -- John Lehman, Secretary of the Navy, 1981-1987
+%
+Power is poison.
+%
+Power is the finest token of affection.
+%
+Power, like a desolating pestilence,
+Pollutes whate'er it touches...
+ -- Percy Bysshe Shelley
+%
+Power tends to corrupt, absolute power corrupts absolutely.
+ -- Lord Acton
+%
+PPRB -- Pillage, plunder, rape and burn.
+%
+Practical people would be more practical if
+they would take a little more time for dreaming.
+ -- J.P. McEvoy
+%
+Practical politics consists in ignoring facts.
+ -- Henry Adams
+%
+Practically perfect people never permit
+sentiment to muddle their thinking.
+ -- Mary Poppins
+%
+Practice is the best of all instructors.
+ -- Publilius
+%
+Practice yourself what you preach.
+ -- Titus Maccius Plautus
+%
+PRAIRIES:
+ Vast plains covered by treeless forests.
+%
+Praise the Lord and pass the ammunition.
+ -- Stephen Coonts, "The Minotaur"
+%
+Praise the sea; on shore remain.
+ -- John Florio
+%
+pray, n:
+ To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled on behalf
+ of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.
+ -- Ambrose Bierce
+%
+Pray to God, but keep rowing to shore.
+ -- Russian Proverb
+%
+Predestination was doomed from the start.
+%
+Prediction is very difficult, especially of the future.
+ -- Niels Bohr
+%
+Prejudice:
+ A vagrant opinion without visible means of support.
+ -- Ambrose Bierce
+%
+Premature optimization is the root of all evil.
+ -- D.E. Knuth
+%
+Preserve the old, but know the new.
+%
+Preserve wildlife -- pickle a squirrel today!
+%
+Preserve Wildlife! Throw a party today!
+%
+President Reagan has noted that there are too many economic
+pundits and forecasters and has decided on an excess prophets tax.
+%
+President Thieu says he'll quit if he doesn't get more than 50%
+of the vote. In a democracy, that's not called quitting.
+ -- The Washington Post
+%
+Pretend to spank me -- I'm a pseudo-masochist!
+%
+Preudhomme's Law of Window Cleaning:
+ It's on the other side.
+%
+Price's Advice:
+ It's all a game -- play it to have fun.
+%
+[Prime Minister Joseph] Chamberlain loves
+the working man, he loves to see him work.
+ -- Winston Churchill
+%
+[Prime Minister MacDonald] has the gift of compressing the
+largest amount of words into the smallest amount of thought.
+ -- Winston Churchill
+%
+Prince Hamlet thought Uncle a traitor
+For having it off with his Mater;
+ Revenge Dad or not?
+ That's the gist of the plot,
+And he did -- nine soliloquies later.
+ -- Stanley J. Sharpless
+%
+Princeton's taste is sweet like a strawberry tart. Harvard's is a subtle
+taste, like whiskey, coffee, or tobacco. It may even be a bad habit, for
+all I know.
+ -- Prof. J.H. Finley '25
+%
+Priority:
+ A statement of the importance of a user or a program. Often
+ expressed as a relative priority, indicating that the user doesn't
+ care when the work is completed so long as he is treated less
+ badly than someone else.
+%
+Prisons are built with stones of Law, brothels with bricks of Religion.
+ -- Blake
+%
+Prizes are for children.
+ -- Charles Ives,
+ upon being given, but refusing, the Pulitzer prize
+%
+Pro is to con as progress is to Congress.
+%
+Probable-Possible, my black hen,
+She lays eggs in the Relative When.
+She doesn't lay eggs in the Positive Now
+Because she's unable to postulate How.
+ -- Frederick Winsor
+%
+PROBLEM DRINKER:
+ A man who never buys.
+%
+Producers seem to be so prejudiced against actors who've had no training.
+And there's no reason for it. So what if I didn't attend the Royal Academy
+for twelve years? I'm still a professional trying to be the best actress
+I can. Why doesn't anyone send me the scripts that Faye Dunaway gets?
+ -- Farrah Fawcett-Majors
+%
+Profanity is the one language all programmers know best.
+%
+Professor Gorden Newell threw another shutout in last week's Chem Eng. 130
+midterm. Once again a student did not receive a single point on his exam.
+Newell has now tossed 5 shutouts this quarter. Newell's earned exam average
+has now dropped to a phenomenal 30%.
+%
+PROGRAM:
+ Any task that can't be completed in one telephone call or one
+ day. Once a task is defined as a program ("training program,"
+ "sales program," or "marketing program"), its implementation
+ always justifies hiring at least three more people.
+%
+program, n:
+ A magic spell cast over a computer allowing it to turn one's input
+ into error messages. tr.v. To engage in a pastime similar to banging
+ one's head against a wall, but with fewer opportunities for reward.
+%
+Programmers do it bit by bit.
+%
+Programmers used to batch environments may find it hard to live
+without giant listings; we would find it hard to use them.
+ -- D.M. Ritchie
+%
+Programming Department:
+ Mistakes made while you wait.
+%
+Programming is an unnatural act.
+%
+PROGRESS:
+ Medieval man thought disease was caused by invisible demons
+ invading the body and taking possession of it.
+
+ Modern man knows disease is caused by microscopic bacteria
+ and viruses invading the body and causing it to malfunction.
+%
+Progress is impossible without change, and those who
+cannot change their minds cannot change anything.
+ -- G.B. Shaw
+%
+Progress means replacing a theory that
+is wrong with one more subtly wrong.
+%
+Progress might have been all right once, but it's gone on too long.
+ -- Ogden Nash
+%
+Progress was all right. Only it went on too long.
+ -- James Thurber
+%
+Promise her anything, but give her Exxon unleaded.
+%
+Promising costs nothing, it's the delivering that kills you.
+%
+PROMOTION FROM WITHIN:
+ A system of moving incompetents up to the policy-making
+ level where they can't foul up operations.
+%
+Promptness is its own reward, if one lives by the clock instead of the sword.
+%
+Proof techniques #1: Proof by Induction.
+
+This technique is used on equations with 'n' in them. Induction
+techniques are very popular, even the military use them.
+
+SAMPLE: Proof of induction without proof of induction.
+
+ We know it's true for n equal to 1. Now assume that it's true
+for every natural number less than n. N is arbitrary, so we can take n
+as large as we want. If n is sufficiently large, the case of n+1 is
+trivially equivalent, so the only important n are n less than n. We can
+take n = n (from above), so it's true for n+1 because it's just about n.
+ QED. (QED translates from the Latin as "So what?")
+%
+Proof techniques #2: Proof by Oddity.
+ SAMPLE: To prove that horses have an infinite number of legs.
+[1] Horses have an even number of legs.
+[2] They have two legs in back and fore legs in front.
+[3] This makes a total of six legs,
+ which certainly is an odd number of legs for a horse.
+[4] But the only number that is both odd and even is infinity.
+[5] Therefore, horses must have an infinite number of legs.
+
+Topics is be covered in future issues include proof by:
+ intimidation,
+ gesticulation (handwaving),
+ "try it; it works",
+ constipation (I was just sitting there and...),
+ blatant assertion,
+ changing all the 2's to n's,
+ mutual consent,
+ lack of a counterexample, and,
+ "it stands to reason".
+%
+Proper treatment will cure a cold in seven days,
+but left to itself, a cold will hang on for a week.
+ -- Darrell Huff
+%
+Prosperity makes friends, adversity tries them.
+ -- Publilius Syrus
+%
+Prototype designs always work.
+ -- Don Vonada
+%
+prototype, n.
+ First stage in the life cycle of a computer product, followed by
+ pre-alpha, alpha, beta, release version, corrected release version,
+ upgrade, corrected upgrade, etc. Unlike its successors, the
+ prototype is not expected to work.
+%
+Providence New Jersey is one of the few cities
+where Velveeta cheese appears on the gourmet shelf.
+%
+Prunes give you a run for your money.
+%
+Pryor's Observation:
+ How long you live has nothing to do
+ with how long you are going to be dead.
+%
+Psychiatry enables us to correct our faults by confessing our parents'
+shortcomings.
+ -- Laurence J. Peter, "Peter's Principles"
+%
+Psychics will soon lead dogs to your body.
+%
+Psychoanalysis is that mental illness for which it regards itself
+a therapy.
+ -- Karl Kraus
+
+Psychiatry is the care of the id by the odd.
+
+Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.
+ -- C.G. Jung
+%
+psychologist, n:
+ Someone who watches everyone else when an attractive woman walks
+ into a room.
+%
+Psychologists think they're experimental psychologists.
+Experimental psychologists think they're biologists.
+Biologists think they're biochemists.
+Biochemists think they're chemists.
+Chemists think they're physical chemists.
+Physical chemists think they're physicists.
+Physicists think they're theoretical physicists.
+Theoretical physicists think they're mathematicians.
+Mathematicians think they're metamathematicians.
+Metamathematicians think they're philosophers.
+Philosophers think they're gods.
+%
+Psychology. Mind over matter.
+Mind under matter? It doesn't matter.
+Never mind.
+%
+Public use of any portable music system is a
+virtually guaranteed indicator of sociopathic tendencies.
+ -- Zoso
+%
+Publishing a volume of verse is like dropping
+a rose petal down the Grand Canyon and waiting for the echo.
+%
+Pudder's Law:
+ Anything that begins well will end badly.
+ (Note: The converse of Pudder's law is not true.)
+%
+Punning is the worst vice, and there's no vice versa.
+%
+Puns are little "plays on words" that a certain breed of person loves to
+spring on you and then look at you in a certain self-satisfied way to indicate
+that he thinks that you must think that he is by far the cleverest person
+on Earth now that Benjamin Franklin is dead, when in fact what you are
+thinking is that if this person ever ends up in a lifeboat, the other
+passengers will hurl him overboard by the end of the first day even if they
+have plenty of food and water.
+ -- Dave Barry
+%
+PURGE COMPLETE.
+%
+PURITAN:
+ Someone who is deathly afraid that
+ someone, somewhere, is having fun.
+%
+Puritanism -- the haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.
+ -- H.L. Mencken, "A Book of Burlesques"
+%
+PURPITATION:
+ To take something off the grocery shelf, decide you
+ don't want it, and then put it in another section.
+ -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
+%
+Push where it gives and scratch where it itches.
+%
+Pushing 30 is exercise enough.
+%
+Pushing forty is exercise enough.
+%
+Put a pot of chili on the stove to simmer.
+Let it simmer. Meanwhile, broil a good steak.
+Eat the steak. Let the chili simmer. Ignore it.
+ -- Recipe for chili from Allan Shrivers, former governor
+ of Texas.
+%
+Put a rogue in the limelight and he will act like an honest man.
+ -- Napoleon Bonaparte, "Maxims"
+%
+Put all your eggs in one basket and -- WATCH THAT BASKET.
+ -- Mark Twain
+%
+Put another password in,
+Bomb it out, then try again.
+Try to get past logging in,
+We're hacking, hacking, hacking.
+
+Try his first wife's maiden name,
+This is more than just a game.
+It's real fun, but just the same,
+It's hacking, hacking, hacking.
+%
+Put cats in the coffee and mice in the tea!
+%
+Put not your trust in money, but put your money in trust.
+%
+Put your best foot forward.
+Or just call in and say you're sick.
+%
+Put your brain in gear before starting your mouth in motion.
+%
+Put your Nose to the Grindstone!
+ -- Amalgamated Plastic Surgeons and Toolmakers, Ltd.
+%
+Put your trust in those who are worthy.
+%
+Putt's Law:
+ Technology is dominated by two types of people:
+ Those who understand what they do not manage.
+ Those who manage what they do not understand.
+%
+Pyro's of the world... IGNITE !!!
+%
+Q: Are we not men?
+A: We are Vaxen.
+%
+Q: Do you know what the death rate around here is?
+A: One per person.
+%
+Q: Have you heard about the man who didn't pay for his exorcism?
+A: He got re-possessed!
+%
+Q: How can we get the Beatles to reunite for one more concert?
+A: With three more bullets.
+%
+Q: How can you tell if an elephant is having an affair with
+ your wife?
+A: You have to wait 22 months.
+%
+Q: How can you tell if an elephant is sitting on your back
+ in a hurricane?
+A: You can hear his ears flapping in the wind.
+%
+Q: How can you tell when a Burroughs salesman is lying?
+A: When his lips move.
+%
+Q: How did the elephant get to the top of the oak tree?
+A: He sat on a acorn and waited for spring.
+
+Q: But how did he get back down?
+A: He crawled out on a leaf and waited for autumn.
+%
+Q: How do you catch a unique rabbit?
+A: Unique up on it!
+
+Q: How do you catch a tame rabbit?
+A: The tame way!
+%
+Q: How do you keep a moron in suspense?
+%
+Q. How do you keep an Aggie busy at a terminal?
+A. While he's not looking, switch it to "local".
+%
+Q: How do you know when you're in the <ethnic> section of Vermont?
+A: The maple sap buckets are hanging on utility poles.
+%
+Q: How do you make an elephant float?
+A: You get two scoops of elephant and some rootbeer...
+%
+Q: How do you play religious roulette?
+A: You stand around in a circle and blaspheme and see who gets
+ struck by lightning first.
+%
+Q: How do you save a drowning lawyer?
+A: Throw him a rock.
+%
+Q: How do you shoot a blue elephant?
+A: With a blue-elephant gun.
+
+Q: How do you shoot a pink elephant?
+A: Twist its trunk until it turns blue, then shoot it with
+ a blue-elephant gun.
+%
+Q: How do you stop an elephant from charging?
+A: Take away his credit cards.
+%
+Q: How does a hacker fix a function which
+ doesn't work for all of the elements in its domain?
+A: He changes the domain.
+%
+Q: How does a single woman in New York get rid of cockroaches?
+A: She asks them for a commitment.
+%
+Q: How does a WASP propose marriage?
+A: "How would you like to be buried with my people?"
+%
+Q: How many Bell Labs Vice Presidents does it take to change a light bulb?
+A: That's proprietary information. Answer available from AT&T on payment
+ of license fee (binary only).
+%
+Q: How many bureaucrats does it take to screw in a light bulb?
+A: Two. One to assure everyone that everything possible is being
+ done while the other screws the bulb into the water faucet.
+%
+Q: How many Californians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
+A: Five. One to screw in the lightbulb and four to share the
+ experience. (Actually, Californians don't screw in
+ lightbulbs, they screw in hot tubs.)
+
+Q: How many Oregonians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
+A: Three. One to screw in the lightbulb and two to fend off all
+ those Californians trying to share the experience.
+%
+Q: How many college football players does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
+A: Only one, but he gets three credits for it.
+%
+Q: How many DEC repairman does it take to fix a flat?
+A: Five; four to hold the car up and one to swap tires.
+
+Q: How long does it take?
+A: It's indeterminate.
+ It will depend upon how many flats they've brought with them.
+
+Q: What happens if you've got TWO flats?
+A: They replace your generator.
+%
+Q: How many Democrats does it take to enjoy a good joke?
+A: One more than you can find.
+%
+Q: How many elephants can you fit in a VW Bug?
+A: Four. Two in the front, two in the back.
+
+Q: How can you tell if an elephant is in your refrigerator?
+A: There's a footprint in the mayo.
+
+Q: How can you tell if two elephants are in your refrigerator?
+A: There's two footprints in the mayo.
+
+Q: How can you tell if three elephants are in your refrigerator?
+A: The door won't shut.
+
+Q: How can you tell if four elephants are in your refrigerator?
+A: There's a VW Bug in your driveway.
+%
+Q: How many hardware engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?
+A: None. We'll fix it in software.
+
+Q: How many system programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
+A: None. The application can work around it.
+
+Q: How many software engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?
+A: None. We'll document it in the manual.
+
+Q: How many tech writers does it take to change a lightbulb?
+A: None. The user can figure it out.
+%
+Q: How many Harvard MBA's does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
+A: Just one. He grasps it firmly and the universe revolves around him.
+%
+Q: How many IBM 370's does it take to execute a job?
+A: Four, three to hold it down, and one to rip its head off.
+%
+Q: How many IBM CPU's does it take to do a logical right shift?
+A: 33. 1 to hold the bits and 32 to push the register.
+%
+Q: How many IBM types does it take to change a light bulb?
+A: Fifteen. One to do it, and fourteen to write document number
+ GC7500439-0001, Multitasking Incandescent Source System Facility,
+ of which 10% of the pages state only "This page intentionally
+ left blank", and 20% of the definitions are of the form "A:.....
+ consists of sequences of non-blank characters separated by blanks".
+%
+Q: How many journalists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
+A: Three. One to report it as an inspired government program to bring
+ light to the people, one to report it as a diabolical government plot
+ to deprive the poor of darkness, and one to win a Pulitzer prize for
+ reporting that Electric Company hired a lightbulb-assassin to break
+ the bulb in the first place.
+%
+Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
+A: One. Only it's his light bulb when he's done.
+%
+Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
+A: Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "Lawyer", and the
+party of the second part, also known as "Light Bulb", do hereby and forthwith
+agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part shall be removed
+from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed
+upon duties, i.e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of
+the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the entryway, terminating
+at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of
+the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of the
+second part and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the
+parties.
+ The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be
+limited to, the following. The party of the first part shall, with or without
+elevation at his option, by means of a chair, stepstool, ladder or any other
+means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part and rotate the party
+of the second part in a counter-clockwise direction, this point being tendered
+non-negotiable. Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part
+becomes fully detached from the receptacle, the party of the first part shall
+have the option of disposing of the party of the second part in a manner
+consistent with all relevant and applicable local, state and federal statutes.
+Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part
+shall have the option of beginning installation. Aforesaid installation shall
+occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in
+step one of this self-same document, being careful to note that the rotation
+should occur in a clockwise direction, this point also being non-negotiable.
+The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the
+first part, by any or all agents authorized by him, the objective being to
+produce the most possible revenue for the Partnership.
+%
+Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
+A: You won't find a lawyer who can change a light bulb. Now, if
+ you're looking for a lawyer to screw a light bulb...
+%
+Q: How many marketing people does it take to change a lightbulb?
+A: I'll have to get back to you on that.
+%
+Q: How many Marxists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
+A: None: The lightbulb contains the seeds of its own revolution.
+%
+Q: How many mathematicians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
+A: One. He gives it to six Californians, thereby reducing the problem
+ to the earlier joke.
+%
+Q: How many members of the U.S.S. Enterprise does it take to change a
+ light bulb?
+A: Seven. Scotty has to report to Captain Kirk that the light bulb in
+ the Engineering Section is getting dim, at which point Kirk will send
+ Bones to pronounce the bulb dead (although he'll immediately claim
+ that he's a doctor, not an electrician). Scotty, after checking
+ around, realizes that they have no more new light bulbs, and complains
+ that he "canna" see in the dark. Kirk will make an emergency stop at
+ the next uncharted planet, Alpha Regula IV, to procure a light bulb
+ from the natives, who, are friendly, but seem to be hiding something.
+ Kirk, Spock, Bones, Yeoman Rand and two red shirt security officers
+ beam down to the planet, where the two security officers are promply
+ killed by the natives, and the rest of the landing party is captured.
+ As something begins to develop between the Captain and Yeoman Rand,
+ Scotty, back in orbit, is attacked by a Klingon destroyer and must
+ warp out of orbit. Although badly outgunned, he cripples the Klingon
+ and races back to the planet in order to rescue Kirk et. al. who have
+ just saved the natives' from an awful fate and, as a reward, been
+ given all lightbulbs they can carry. The new bulb is then inserted
+ and the Enterprise continues on its five year mission.
+%
+Q: How many people from New Jersey does it take to change a light
+ bulb?
+A: Three. One to do it, one to watch, and the third to shoot the
+ witness.
+%
+Q: How many pre-med's does it take to change a lightbulb?
+A: Five: One to change the bulb and four to pull the ladder
+ out from under him.
+%
+Q: How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
+A: Only one, but it takes a long time, and the light bulb has
+ to really want to change.
+%
+Q: "How many Romulans does it take to screw in a light bulb?"
+A: "Twelve; one to screw the light-bulb in, and eleven to self-destruct
+ the ship out of disgrace."
+
+ [Warning: do not tell this joke to Romulans or else be ready for
+ a fight. They consider this it to be a discrace, though it's
+ pretty good for a LBJ. Ed.]
+%
+Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?
+A: Two, one to hold the giraffe, and the other to fill the bathtub
+ with brightly colored machine tools.
+
+ [Surrealist jokes just aren't my cup of fur. Ed.]
+%
+Q: How many WASP's does it take to change a lightbulb?
+A: One.
+%
+Q: How much does it cost to ride the Unibus?
+A: 2 bits.
+%
+Q: How was Thomas J. Watson buried?
+A: 9 edge down.
+%
+Q: Know what the difference between your latest project
+ and putting wings on an elephant is?
+A: Who knows? The elephant *might* fly, heh, heh...
+%
+Q: Minnesotans ask, "Why aren't there more pharmacists from Alabama?"
+A: Easy. It's because they can't figure out how to get the little
+ bottles into the typewriter.
+%
+Q: Somebody just posted that Roman Polanski directed Star Wars.
+ What should I do?
+
+A: Post the correct answer at once! We can't have people go on
+ believing that! Very good of you to spot this. You'll probably
+ be the only one to make the correction, so post as soon as you
+ can. No time to lose, so certainly don't wait a day, or check to
+ see if somebody else has made the correction. And it's not good
+ enough to send the message by mail. Since you're the only one who
+ really knows that it was Francis Coppola, you have to inform the
+ whole net right away!
+ -- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette
+%
+Q: What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming over the hill?
+A: "The elephants are coming over the hill."
+
+Q: What did he say when saw them coming over the hill wearing
+ sunglasses?
+A: Nothing, for he didn't recognize them.
+%
+Q: What do a blonde and your computer have in common?
+A: You don't know how much either of them mean to you until
+ they go down on you.
+
+Q: What's the advantage to being married to a blonde?
+A: You can park in the handicapped zone.
+
+Q: Why did the blonde get so excited after she finished her jigsaw
+ puzzle in only 6 months?
+A: Because on the box it said "From 2-4 years".
+%
+Q: What do little WASPs want to be when they grow up?
+A: The very best person they can possibly be.
+%
+Q: What do monsters eat?
+A: Things.
+
+Q: What do monsters drink?
+A: Coke. (Because Things go better with Coke.)
+%
+Q: What do they call the alphabet in Arkansas?
+A: The impossible dream.
+%
+Q: What do WASP's do instead of making love?
+A: Rule the country.
+%
+Q: What do Winnie the Pooh and John the Baptist have in common?
+A: The same middle name.
+%
+Q: What do you call 15 blondes in a circle?
+A: A dope ring.
+
+Q: Why do blondes put their hair in ponytails?
+A: To cover up the valve stem.
+
+Q: Why did the blonde get so excited after she finished her jigsaw
+ puzzle in only 6 months?
+A: Because on the box it said "From 2-4 years".
+%
+Q: What do you call a blind pre-historic animal?
+A: Diyathinkhesaurus.
+
+Q: What do you call a blind pre-historic animal with a dog?
+A: Diyathinkhesaurus Rex.
+%
+Q: What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?
+A: A stick.
+%
+Q: What do you call a brunette between two blondes?
+A: An interpreter.
+
+Q: Why do blondes have square breasts?
+A: They forgot to take the tissues out of the box.
+
+Q: What do you call ten blonds in a row?
+A: A wind tunnel.
+%
+Q: What do you call a dog with no legs?
+A: What does it matter? He can't come anyway.
+
+ [I got a dog with no legs -- I call him Cigarette.
+ Every night, I take him out for a drag. Ed.]
+%
+Q: What do you call a group of kids with low IQ's, drinking diet cola,
+ eating fruit, and singing?
+A: The Moron Tab and Apple Choir.
+%
+Q: What do you call a half-dozen Indians with Asian flu?
+A: Six sick Sikhs (sic).
+%
+Q: What do you call a million cats at the bottom of Lake Michigan?
+A: A good start.
+%
+Q: What do you call a principal female opera singer whose high C
+ is lower than those of other principal female opera singers?
+A: A deep C diva.
+%
+Q. What do you call a TV set that fixes itself?
+A. A Christian Science Monitor.
+%
+Q: What do you call a WASP who doesn't work for his father, isn't a
+ lawyer, and believes in social causes?
+A: A failure.
+%
+Q: What do you call the money you pay to the government when
+ you ride into the country on the back of an elephant?
+A: A howdah duty.
+%
+Q: What do you call the scratches that you get when a female
+ sheep bites you?
+A: Ewe nicks.
+%
+Q: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with an attorney?
+A: An offer you can't understand.
+%
+Q: What do you get when you stuff a flaming stick down a rabbit-hole?
+A: Hot cross bunnies!
+%
+Q: What do you have when you have a lawyer buried up to his neck in sand?
+A: Not enough sand.
+%
+Q: What does a blonde do first theing in the morning?
+A: She goes home.
+
+Q: Why does blonde have fur on the hem of her dress?
+A: To keep her neck warm.
+
+Q: How do you make a blonde laugh on Monday?
+A: Tell her a joke on Friday.
+%
+Q: What does a WASP Mom make for dinner?
+A: A crisp salad, a hearty soup, a lovely entree, followed by
+ a delicious dessert.
+%
+Q: What does it say on the bottom of Coke cans in North Dakota?
+A: Open other end.
+%
+Q: What goes: Sis! Boom! Baaaaah!
+A: Exploding sheep.
+%
+Q: What happens when four WASP's find themselves in the same room?
+A: A dinner party.
+%
+Q: What is green and lives in the ocean?
+A: Moby Pickle.
+%
+Q: What is it that a cow has four of and a woman has two of?
+A: Feet.
+%
+Q: What is orange and goes "click, click?"
+A: A ball point carrot.
+%
+Q: What is printed on the bottom of beer bottles in Minnesota?
+A: Open other end.
+%
+Q: What is purple and commutes?
+A: A boolean grape.
+%
+Q: What is purple and commutes?
+A: An Abelian grape.
+%
+Q: What is purple and concord the world?
+A: Alexander the Grape.
+%
+Q: "What is the burning question on the mind of every dyslexic
+ existentialist?"
+A: "Is there a dog?"
+%
+Q: What is the difference between a duck?
+A: One leg is both the same.
+%
+Q: What is the difference between Texas and yogurt?
+A: Yogurt has culture.
+%
+Q: What is the last thing a Kansas stripper takes off?
+A: Her bowling shoes.
+%
+Q: What is the mating call of a blonde?
+A: I think I'm drunk.
+
+Q: What's the call of a disappointed blonde?
+A: I *said*, I *think* I'm drunk!
+
+Q: What is the mating call of the ugly blonde?
+A: (Screaming) "I said: I'm drunk!"
+%
+Q: What is the sound of one cat napping?
+A: Mu.
+%
+Q: What lies on the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
+A: A nervous wreck.
+%
+Q: What looks like a cat, flies like a bat, brays like a donkey, and
+ plays like a monkey?
+A: Nothing.
+%
+Q: What's black and white and red all over?
+A: Two nuns in a chainsaw fight.
+%
+Q: What's bruised, bleeding, and lies in a ditch?
+A: Somebody who tells Aggie jokes.
+%
+Q: What's tan and black and looks great on a lawyer?
+A: A doberman.
+%
+Q: What's the Blonde's cheer?
+A: I'm blonde, I'm blonde, I'm B.L.O.N... ah, oh well..
+ I'm blonde, I'm blonde, yea yea yea...
+
+Q: What do you call it when a blonde dies their hair brunette?
+A: Artificial intelligence.
+
+Q: How do you make a blonde's eyes light up?
+A: Shine a flashlight in their ear.
+%
+Q. What's the capital of Canada?
+A. American.
+%
+Q: What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead
+ lawyer in the road?
+A: There are skid marks in front of the dog.
+%
+Q: What's the difference between a duck and an elephant?
+A: You can't get down off an elephant.
+%
+Q: What's the difference between a Mac and an Etch-a-Sketch?
+A: You don't have to shake the Mac to clear the screen.
+%
+Q: What's the difference between a RHU cheerleader and a whale?
+A: The moustache.
+%
+Q: What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish wake?
+A: One more drunk.
+%
+Q: What's the difference between Bell Labs and the Boy Scouts of America?
+A: The Boy Scouts have adult supervision.
+%
+Q. What's the difference between Los Angeles and yogurt?
+A. Yogurt has a living, active culture.
+%
+Q: What's tiny and yellow and very, very, dangerous?
+A: A canary with the super-user password.
+%
+Q: What's yellow, and equivalent to the Axiom of Choice?
+A: Zorn's Lemon.
+%
+Q: Where's the Lone Ranger take his garbage?
+A: To the dump, to the dump, to the dump dump dump!
+
+Q: What's the Pink Panther say when he steps on an ant hill?
+A: Dead ant, dead ant, dead ant dead ant dead ant...
+%
+Q: Who cuts the grass on Walton's Mountain?
+A: Lawn Boy.
+%
+Q: Why are Jewish divorces so expensive?
+A: Because they're worth it!
+%
+Q: Why did the astrophysicist order three hamburgers?
+A: Because he was hungry.
+%
+Q: Why did the blonde climb over the glass wall?
+A: To see what was on the other side.
+
+Q: Why do blondes like tilt steering wheels?
+A: More head room.
+
+Q: How does a blonde turn on the light after having sex?
+A: She opens the car door.
+%
+Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
+A: He was giving it last rites.
+%
+Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
+A: To see his friend Gregory peck.
+
+Q: Why did the chicken cross the playground?
+A: To get to the other slide.
+%
+Q: Why did the germ cross the microscope?
+A: To get to the other slide.
+%
+Q: Why did the lone ranger kill Tonto?
+A: He found out what "kimosabe" really means.
+%
+Q: Why did the mathematician name his dog "Cauchy"?
+A: Because he left a residue at every pole.
+%
+Q: Why did the programmer call his mother long distance?
+A: Because that was her name.
+%
+Q: Why did the WASP cross the road?
+A: To get to the middle.
+%
+Q: Why do ducks have big flat feet?
+A: To stamp out forest fires.
+
+Q: Why do elephants have big flat feet?
+A: To stamp out flaming ducks.
+%
+Q: Why do firemen wear red suspenders?
+A: To conform with departmental regulations concerning uniform dress.
+%
+Q: Why do mountain climbers rope themselves together?
+A: To prevent the sensible ones from going home.
+%
+Q: Why do people who live near Niagara Falls have flat foreheads?
+A: Because every morning they wake up thinking "What *is* that noise?
+ Oh, right, *of course*!
+%
+Q: Why do the police always travel in threes?
+A: One to do the reading, one to do the writing, and the other keeps
+ an eye on the two intellectuals.
+%
+Q: Why does Washington have the most lawyers per capita and
+ New Jersey the most toxic waste dumps?
+A: God gave New Jersey first choice.
+%
+Q: Why don't blondes eat pickles?
+A: Because they get their head stuck in the jars.
+
+Q: Why do blondes wear underwear?
+A: To keep their ankles warm.
+
+Q: How do you kill a blonde?
+A: Put spikes in her shoulder pads.
+%
+Q: Why don't lawyers go to the beach?
+A: The cats keep trying to bury them.
+%
+Q: Why don't Scotsmen ever have coffee the way they like it?
+A: Well, they like it with two lumps of sugar. If they drink
+ it at home, they only take one, and if they drink it while
+ visiting, they always take three.
+%
+Q: Why is Christmas just like a day at the office?
+A: You do all of the work and the fat guy in the suit
+ gets all the credit.
+%
+Q: Why is it that the more accuracy you demand from an interpolation
+ function, the more expensive it becomes to compute?
+A: That's the Law of Spline Demand.
+%
+Q: Why should blondes not be given coffee breaks?
+A: It takes too long to retrain them.
+
+Q: What's the mating call of the brunette?
+A: All the blondes have gone home!
+
+Q: How do you tell if a blonde's been using the computer?
+A: There's white-out on the screen.
+%
+Q: Why should you always serve a Southern Carolina football man
+ soup in a plate?
+A: 'Cause if you give him a bowl, he'll throw it away.
+%
+Q: Why was Stonehenge abandoned?
+A: It wasn't IBM compatible.
+%
+Q: What do you get when you cross a mobster with an international standard?
+A: You get someone who makes you an offer that you can't understand!
+%
+Q: What's the difference betweeen USL and the Graf Zeppelin?
+A: The Graf Zeppelin represented cutting edge technology for its time.
+%
+Q: What's the difference between USL and the Titanic?
+A: The Titanic had a band.
+%
+QED.
+%
+QOTD:
+ "It's not the despair... I can stand the despair. It's the hope."
+%
+QOTD:
+ "A child of 5 could understand this! Fetch me a child of 5."
+%
+QOTD:
+ "A university faculty is 500 egotists with a common parking problem."
+%
+QOTD:
+ All I want is a little more than I'll ever get.
+%
+QOTD:
+ All I want is more than my fair share.
+%
+QOTD:
+ "Dead people are good at running because they don't
+ have to stop and breathe."
+ -- Hokey, watching "Night of the Living Dead"
+%
+QOTD:
+ "Don't let your mind wander -- it's too little to be let out alone."
+%
+QOTD:
+ "East is east... and let's keep it that way."
+%
+QOTD:
+ "Every morning I read the obituaries; if my name's not there,
+ I go to work."
+%
+QOTD:
+ Flash! Flash! I love you! ...but we only have fourteen hours to
+ save the earth!
+%
+QOTD:
+ "He eats like a bird... five times his own weight each day."
+%
+QOTD:
+ "Her other car is a broom."
+%
+QOTD:
+ "He's a perfectionist. If he married Raquel Welch, he'd expect
+ her to cook."
+%
+QOTD:
+ "He's such a hick he doesn't even have a trapeze in his bedroom."
+%
+QOTD:
+ How can I miss you if you won't go away?
+%
+QOTD:
+ "I ain't broke, but I'm badly bent."
+%
+QOTD:
+ "I am not sure what this is, but an 'F' would only dignify it."
+%
+QOTD:
+ "I don't think they could put him in a mental hospital. On the
+other hand, if he were already in, I don't think they'd let him out."
+%
+QOTD:
+ "I drive my car quietly, for it goes without saying."
+%
+QOTD:
+ "I haven't come far enough, and don't call me baby."
+%
+QOTD:
+ I love your outfit, does it come in your size?
+%
+QOTD:
+ "I may not be able to walk, but I drive from the sitting posistion."
+%
+QOTD:
+ "I only touch base with reality on an as-needed basis!"
+%
+QOTD:
+ I opened Pandora's box, let the cat out of the bag and put the
+ ball in their court.
+ -- Hon. J. Hacker (The Ministry of Administrative Affairs)
+%
+QOTD:
+ "I sprinkled some baking powder over a couple of potatoes, but it
+ didn't work."
+%
+QOTD:
+ "I thought I saw a unicorn on the way over, but it was just a
+ horse with one of the horns broken off."
+%
+QOTD:
+ "I treat her like a throughbred, and she's STILL a nag!"
+%
+QOTD:
+ "I tried buying a goat instead of a lawn tractor; had to return
+ it though. Couldn't figure out a way to connect the snow blower."
+%
+QOTD:
+ "I used to be an idealist, but I got mugged by reality."
+%
+QOTD:
+ "I used to be lost in the shuffle, now I just shuffle along with
+ the lost."
+%
+QOTD:
+ "I used to get high on life but lately I've built up a resistance."
+%
+QOTD:
+ "I used to go to UCLA, but then my Dad got a job."
+%
+QOTD:
+ "I used to jog, but the ice kept bouncing out of my glass."
+%
+QOTD:
+ "I won't say he's untruthful, but his wife has to call the
+ dog for dinner."
+%
+QOTD:
+ "I'd never marry a woman who didn't like pizza. I might play
+ golf with her, but I wouldn't marry her."
+%
+QOTD:
+ "If he learns from his mistakes, pretty soon he'll know everything."
+%
+QOTD:
+ "If I could walk that way, I wouldn't need the aftershave."
+%
+QOTD:
+ "If I'm what I eat, I'm a chocolate chip cookie."
+%
+QOTD:
+ If it's too loud, you're too old.
+%
+QOTD:
+ "If you keep an open mind people will throw a lot of garbage in it."
+%
+QOTD:
+ If you're looking for trouble, I can offer you a wide selection.
+%
+QOTD:
+ "I'll listen to reason when it comes out on CD."
+%
+QOTD:
+ "I'm just a boy named 'su'..."
+%
+QOTD:
+ I'm not a nerd -- I'm "socially challenged".
+%
+QOTD:
+ I'm not bald -- I'm "hair challenged".
+
+ [I thought that was "differently haired". Ed.]
+%
+QOTD:
+ "I'm not really for apathy, but I'm not against it either..."
+%
+QOTD:
+ "I'm on a seafood diet -- I see food and I eat it."
+%
+QOTD:
+ "In the shopping mall of the mind, he's in the toy department."
+%
+QOTD:
+ "It seems to me that your antenna doesn't bring in too many
+ stations anymore."
+%
+QOTD:
+ "It was so cold last winter that I saw a lawyer with his
+ hands in his own pockets."
+%
+QOTD:
+ "It's a cold bowl of chili, when love don't work out."
+%
+QOTD:
+ "It's a dog-eat-dog world, and I'm wearing Milk Bone underwear."
+%
+QOTD:
+ "It's been Monday all week today."
+%
+QOTD:
+ "It's been real and it's been fun, but it hasn't been real fun."
+%
+QOTD:
+ "It's hard to tell whether he has an ace up his sleeve or if
+ the ace is missing from his deck altogether."
+%
+QOTD:
+ "It's men like him that give the Y chromosome a bad name."
+%
+QOTD:
+ "It's sort of a threat, you see. I've never been very good at
+ them myself, but I'm told they can be very effective."
+%
+QOTD:
+ "I've always wanted to work in the Federal Mint. And then go on
+ strike. To make less money."
+%
+QOTD:
+ "I've got one last thing to say before I go; give me back
+ all of my stuff."
+%
+QOTD:
+ I've heard about civil Engineers, but I've never met one.
+%
+QOTD:
+ "I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing
+ trivial."
+%
+QOTD:
+ "Just how much can I get away with and still go to heaven?"
+%
+QOTD:
+ "Let's do it."
+ -- Gary Gilmore
+%
+QOTD:
+ "Like this rose, our love will wilt and die."
+%
+QOTD:
+ Ludwig Boltzmann, who spend much of his life studying statistical
+ mechanics died in 1906 by his own hand. Paul Ehrenfest, carrying
+ on the work, died similarly in 1933. Now it is our turn.
+ -- Goodstein, States of Matter
+%
+QOTD:
+ Money isn't everything, but at least it keeps the kids in touch.
+%
+QOTD:
+ "My ambition is to marry a rich woman who's too proud to let
+ her husband work."
+%
+QOTD:
+ "My life is a soap opera, but who gets the movie rights?"
+%
+QOTD:
+ My mother was the travel agent for guilt trips.
+%
+QOTD:
+ "My shampoo lasts longer than my relationships."
+%
+QOTD:
+ "Of course it's the murder weapon. Who would frame someone with
+ a fake?"
+%
+QOTD:
+ "Of course there's no reason for it, it's just our policy."
+%
+QOTD:
+ "Oh, no, no... I'm not beautiful. Just very, very pretty."
+%
+QOTD:
+ "Our parents were never our age."
+%
+QOTD:
+ "Overweight is when you step on your dog's tail and it dies."
+%
+QOTD:
+ "Say, you look pretty athletic. What say we put a pair of tennis
+ shoes on you and run you into the wall?"
+%
+QOTD:
+ Sex is the most fun you can have without laughing.
+%
+QOTD:
+ "She's about as smart as bait."
+%
+QOTD:
+ Silence is the only virtue he has left.
+%
+QOTD:
+ Some people have one of those days. I've had one of those lives.
+%
+QOTD:
+ "Sure, I turned down a drink once. Didn't understand the question."
+%
+QOTD:
+ Talent does what it can, genius what it must.
+ I do what I get paid to do.
+%
+QOTD:
+ "The baby was so ugly they had to hang a pork chop around its
+ neck to get the dog to play with it."
+%
+QOTD:
+ "The elder gods went to Suggoth and all I got was this lousy T-shirt."
+%
+QOTD:
+ The forest may be quiet, but that doesn't mean
+ the snakes have gone away.
+%
+QOTD:
+ "There may be no excuse for laziness, but I'm sure looking."
+%
+QOTD:
+ "This is a one line proof... if we start sufficiently far to the
+ left."
+%
+QOTD:
+ "To hell with patience, I'm gonna kill me something!"
+%
+QOTD:
+ "Unlucky? If I bought a pumpkin farm, they'd cancel Halloween."
+%
+QOTD:
+ "What do you mean, you had the dog fixed? Just what made you
+ think he was broken!"
+%
+QOTD:
+ "What I like most about myself is that I'm so understanding
+ when I mess things up."
+%
+QOTD:
+ "What women and psychologists call `dropping your armor', we call
+ "baring your neck."
+%
+QOTD:
+ "Who? Me? No, no, NO!! But I do sell rugs."
+%
+QOTD:
+ "Wouldn't it be wonderful if real life supported control-Z?"
+%
+QOTD:
+ Y'know how s'm people treat th'r body like a TEMPLE?
+ Well, I treat mine like 'n AMUSEMENT PARK... S'great...
+%
+QOTD:
+ "You want me to put *holes* in my ears and hang things from them?
+ How... tribal."
+%
+QOTD:
+ "You're so dumb you don't even have wisdom teeth."
+%
+QOTD:
+Everything I am today I owe to people, whom it is now
+to late to punish.
+%
+QOTD:
+I looked out my window, and saw Kyle Pettys' car upside down,
+then I thought 'One of us is in real trouble'.
+ -- Davey Allison, on a 150 m.p.h. crash
+%
+QOTD:
+"I want a home, a family, an occasional spanking ..."
+ -- Kathy Ireland
+%
+QOTD:
+"It wouldn't have been anything, even if it were gonna be a thing."
+%
+QOTD:
+Lack of planning on your part doesn't consitute an emergency
+on my part.
+%
+QOTD:
+On a scale of 1 to 10 I'd say... oh, somewhere in there.
+%
+QOTD:
+Sacred cows make great hamburgers.
+%
+QOTD:
+The only easy way to tell a hamster from a gerbil is that the
+gerbil has more dark meat.
+%
+Quack!
+ Quack!! Quack!!
+%
+Quality control:
+ Assuring that the quality of a product does not get out of hand
+ and add to the cost of its manufacture or design.
+%
+QUALITY CONTROL:
+ The process of testing one out of every 1,000 units coming off a
+ production line to make sure that at least one out of 100 works.
+%
+Quantity is no substitute for quality,
+but its the only one we've got.
+%
+Quantum Mechanics is a lovely introduction to Hilbert Spaces!
+ -- Overheard at last year's Archimedeans' Garden Party
+%
+Quantum Mechanics is God's version of "Trust me."
+%
+QUARK:
+ The sound made by a well bred duck.
+%
+Quark! Quark! Beware the quantum duck!
+%
+Queensboro president Donald Mannis, charged with receiving bribes in
+exchange for city contracts, resigned on Tuesday. Mannis feels he must
+devote more time to impending litigation, some of which might eminate
+from a recent statement he made comparing New York Mayor Ed Koch to
+Nazi Martin Bormann. A spokesman from the Bormann estate said they are
+weighing the odds of a slander suit. Mayor Koch could naturally be
+reached for comment, but we chose not to listen.
+ -- Dennis Miller
+%
+Question:
+ Man Invented Alcohol,
+ God Invented Grass.
+ Whom do you trust?
+%
+question = ( to ) ? be : ! be;
+ -- Wm. Shakespeare
+%
+QUESTION AUTHORITY.
+
+(Sez who?)
+%
+Question: Is it better to abide by the rules until
+they're changed or help speed the change by breaking them?
+%
+Questionable day.
+Ask somebody something.
+%
+Questions are never indiscreet, answers sometimes are.
+ -- Oscar Wilde
+%
+Quick!! Act as if nothing has happened!
+%
+Quidquid latine dictum sit, altum viditur.
+
+(Whatever is said in Latin sounds profound.)
+%
+Quigley's Law:
+ Whoever has any authority over you,
+ no matter how small, will attempt to use it.
+%
+Quit worrying about your health. It'll go away.
+ -- Robert Orben
+%
+Quite frankly, I don't like you humans.
+After what you all have done, I find being "inhuman" a compliment.
+%
+Qvid me anxivs svm?
+%
+Radicalism:
+ The conservatism of tomorrow injected into the affairs of today.
+ -- A. Bierce
+%
+RADIO SHACK LEVEL II BASIC
+READY
+>_
+%
+Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives.
+%
+Raffiniert ist der Herrgott aber boshaft ist er nicht.
+ -- Albert Einstein
+%
+rain falls where clouds come
+sun shines where clouds go
+clouds just come and go
+ -- Florian Gutzwiller
+%
+Rainy days and automatic weapons always get me down.
+%
+Rainy days and Mondays always get me down.
+%
+Raising pet electric eels is gaining a lot of current popularity.
+%
+Ralph's Observation:
+It is a mistake to let any mechanical object
+realise that you are in a hurry.
+%
+RAM wasn't built in a day.
+%
+Random, n:
+ as in number, predictable.
+ as in memory access, unpredictable.
+%
+Rarely do people communicate; they just take turns talking.
+%
+Rascal, am I? Take THAT!
+ -- Errol Flynn
+%
+Rattling around the back of my head is a disturbing image of something I
+saw at the airport... Now I'm remembering, those giant piles of computer
+magazines right next to "People" and "Time" in the airport store. Does it
+bother anyone else that half the world is being told all of our hard-won
+secrets of computer technology? Remember how all the lawyers cried foul
+when "How to Avoid Probate" was published? Are they taking no-fault
+insurance lying down? No way! But at the current rate it won't be long
+before there are stacks of the "Transactions on Information Theory" at the
+A&P checkout counters. Who's going to be impressed with us electrical
+engineers then? Are we, as the saying goes, giving away the store?
+ -- Robert W. Lucky, IEEE president
+%
+Razors pain you;
+Rivers are damp;
+Acids stain you;
+And drugs cause cramp.
+Guns aren't lawful;
+Nooses give;
+Gas smells awful;
+You might as well live.
+ -- Dorothy Parker, "Resume", 1926
+%
+Re: Graphics:
+ A picture is worth 10K words -- but only those to describe
+ the picture. Hardly any sets of 10K words can be adequately
+ described with pictures.
+%
+Reach into the thoughts of friends,
+And find they do not know your name.
+Squeeze the teddy bear too tight,
+And watch the feathers burst the seams.
+Touch the stained glass with your cheek,
+And feel its chill upon your blood.
+Hold a candle to the night,
+And see the darkness bend the flame.
+Tear the mask of peace from God,
+And hear the roar of souls in hell.
+Pluck a rose in name of love,
+And watch the petals curl and wilt.
+Lean upon the western wind,
+And know you are alone.
+ -- Dru Mims
+%
+Reactor error - core dumped!
+%
+Reading is thinking with someone else's head instead of one's own.
+%
+Reading is to the mind what exercise is to the body.
+%
+Reagan can't act either.
+%
+Real computer scientists despise the idea of actual hardware. Hardware has
+limitations, software doesn't. It's a real shame that Turing machines are
+so poor at I/O.
+%
+Real computer scientists don't write code. They occasionally tinker with
+`programming systems', but those are so high level that they hardly count
+(and rarely count accurately; precision is for applications).
+%
+Real computer scientists like having a computer on their desk, else how
+could they read their mail?
+%
+Real computer scientists only write specs for languages that might run on
+future hardware. Nobody trusts them to write specs for anything homo sapiens
+will ever be able to fit on a single planet.
+%
+Real programmers admire ADA for its overwhelming aesthetic value but they
+find it difficult to actually program in it, as it is much too large to
+implement. Most computer scientists don't notice this because they are
+still arguing over what else to add to ADA.
+%
+Real programmers don't document; if it was
+hard to write, it should be hard to understand.
+%
+Real programmers don't draw flowcharts. Flowcharts are, after all, the
+illiterate's form of documentation. Cavemen drew flowcharts; look how much
+good it did them.
+%
+Real Programmers don't eat quiche. They eat Twinkies and Szechwan food.
+%
+Real Programmers don't play tennis, or any other sport that requires
+you to change clothes. Mountain climbing is OK, and real programmers
+wear their climbing boots to work in case a mountain should suddenly
+spring up in the middle of the machine room.
+%
+Real Programmers don't write in FORTRAN.
+FORTRAN is for pipe stress freaks and crystallography weenies.
+%
+Real Programmers don't write in PL/I. PL/I is for
+programmers who can't decide whether to write in COBOL or FORTRAN.
+%
+Real Programmers think better when playing Adventure or Rogue.
+%
+Real programs don't eat cache.
+%
+Real Programs don't use shared text. Otherwise, how can they
+use functions for scratch space after they are finished calling them?
+%
+Real wealth can only increase.
+ -- R. Buckminster Fuller
+%
+Real World, The n.:
+ 1. In programming, those institutions at which programming may be
+used in the same sentence as FORTRAN, COBOL, RPG, IBM, etc. 2. To
+programmers, the location of non-programmers and activities not related to
+programming. 3. A universe in which the standard dress is shirt and tie
+and in which a person's working hours are defined as 9 to 5. 4. The location
+of the status quo. 5. Anywhere outside a university. "Poor fellow, he's
+left MIT and gone into T.R.W." Used pejoratively by those not in residence
+there. In conversation, talking of someone who has entered the real world
+is not unlike talking about a deceased person.
+%
+Reality -- what a concept!
+ -- Robin Williams
+%
+Reality always seems harsher in the early morning.
+%
+Reality does not exist - yet.
+%
+Reality is an obstacle to hallucination.
+%
+Reality is for people who can't deal with drugs.
+ -- Lily Tomlin
+%
+Reality is just a crutch for people who can't handle science fiction.
+%
+Reality is nothing but a collective hunch.
+ -- Lily Tomlin
+%
+Reality must take precedence over public relations, for Mother Nature
+cannot be fooled.
+ -- R.P. Feynman
+%
+Really?? What a coincidence, I'm shallow too!!
+%
+Reappraisal, n:
+ An abrupt change of mind after being found out.
+%
+Rebellion lay in his way, and he found it.
+ -- William Shakespeare, "Henry IV"
+%
+Receiving a million dollars tax free will make you feel better than being
+flat broke and having a stomach ache.
+ -- Dolph Sharp
+%
+Recent investments will yield a slight profit.
+%
+Recent research has tended to show that the Abominable No-Man
+is being replaced by the Prohibitive Procrastinator.
+ -- C.N. Parkinson
+%
+Recently deceased blues guitarist Stevie Ray Vaughan "comes to" after
+his death. He sees Jimi Hendrix sitting next to him, tuning his guitar.
+"Holy cow," he thinks to himself, "this guy is my idol." Over at the
+microphone, about to sing, are Jim Morrison and Janis Joplin, and the
+bassist is the late Barry Oakley of the Allman Brothers. So Stevie
+Ray's thinking, "Oh, wow! I've died and gone to rock and roll heaven."
+Just then, Karen Carpenter walks in, sits down at the drums, and says:
+"'Close to You'. Hit it, boys!"
+ -- Told by Penn Jillette, of magic/comedy duo Penn and Teller
+%
+Reception area, n:
+ The purgatory where office visitors are condemned to spend
+ innumerable hours reading dog-eared back issues of trade
+ magazines like Modern Plastics, Chain Saw Age, and Chicken World,
+ while the receptionist blithely reads her own trade magazine --
+ Cosmopolitan.
+%
+Recession is when your neighbor loses his job. Depression is when you
+lose your job. These economic downturns are very difficult to predict,
+but sophisticated econometric modeling houses like Data Resources and
+Chase Econometrics have successfully predicted 14 of the last 3 recessions.
+%
+Recipe for a Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster:
+ (1) Take the juice from one bottle of Ol' Janx Spirit
+ (2) Pour into it one measure of water from the seas of
+ Santraginus V (Oh, those Santraginean fish!)
+ (3) Allow 3 cubes of Arcturan Mega-gin to melt into the
+ mixture (properly iced or the benzine is lost.)
+ (4) Allow four liters of Fallian marsh gas to bubble through it.
+ (5) Over the back of a silver spoon, float a measure of
+ Qualactin Hypermint extract.
+ (6) Drop in the tooth of an Algolian Suntiger. Watch it dissolve.
+ (7) Sprinkle Zamphuor.
+ (8) Add an olive.
+ (9) Drink... but... very carefully...
+%
+Reclaimer, spare that tree!
+Take not a single bit!
+It used to point to me,
+Now I'm protecting it.
+It was the reader's CONS
+That made it, paired by dot;
+Now, GC, for the nonce,
+Thou shalt reclaim it not.
+%
+Recursion is the root of computation
+since it trades description for time.
+%
+Recursion: n. See Recursion.
+ -- Random Shack Data Processing Dictionary
+%
+Regardless of whether a mission expands or contracts,
+administrative overhead continues to grow at a steady rate.
+%
+Regnant populi.
+%
+Regression analysis:
+ Mathematical techniques for trying to understand why things are
+ getting worse.
+%
+Reichel's Law:
+ A body on vacation tends to remain on vacation unless acted upon by
+ an outside force.
+%
+Reinhart was never his mother's favorite -- and he was an only child.
+ -- Thomas Berger
+%
+Reisner's Rule of Conceptual Inertia:
+ If you think big enough, you'll never have to do it.
+%
+Relations are simply a tedious pack of people, who haven't the remotest
+knowledge of how to live, nor the smallest instinct about when to die.
+ -- Oscar Wilde, "The Importance of Being Earnest"
+%
+...relaxed in the manner of a man who
+has no need to put up a front of any kind.
+ -- John Ball, "Mark One: the Dummy"
+%
+Reliable source, n:
+ The guy you just met.
+%
+Religion has done love a great service by making it a sin.
+ -- Anatole France
+%
+Religion is a crutch, but that's okay... humanity is a cripple.
+%
+Religion is what keeps the poor from murdering the rich.
+ -- Napoleon
+%
+Religions revolve madly around sexual questions.
+%
+Rembrandt is not to be compared in the painting of character with our
+extraordinarily gifted English artist, Mr. Rippingille.
+ -- John Hunt, British editor, scholar and art critic
+ Cerf/Navasky, "The Experts Speak"
+%
+Remember -- only 10% of anything can be in the top 10%.
+%
+Remember Darwin; building a better
+mousetrap merely results in smarter mice.
+%
+Remember, DESSERT is spelled with two `s's while DESERT is spelled
+with one, because EVERYONE wants two desserts, but NO ONE wants two
+deserts.
+ -- Miss Oglethorp, Gr. 5, PS. 59
+%
+Remember folks. Street lights timed for 35 mph are also timed for 70 mph.
+ -- Jim Samuels
+%
+Remember, God could only create the world in 6 days because he didn't
+have an established user base.
+%
+Remember, Grasshopper, falling down 1000 stairs begins by tripping over
+the first one.
+ -- Confusion
+%
+"Remember, if it's being done correctly, here or abroad, it's
+*not* the U.S. Army doing it!"
+ -- Good Morning VietNam
+%
+Remember kids, if there's a loaded gun in the room, be sure
+that you're the one holding it.
+ -- Mr. Greenfatigues
+%
+Remember: Silly is a state of Mind, Stupid is a way of Life.
+ -- Dave Butler
+%
+Remember that as a teenager you are in the last stage of your life when
+you will be happy to hear that the phone is for you.
+ -- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies"
+%
+Remember that there is an outside world to see and enjoy.
+ -- Hans Liepmann
+%
+Remember that whatever misfortune may be your lot,
+it could only be worse in Cleveland.
+%
+Remember the good old days, when CPU was singular?
+%
+Remember the... the... uhh.....
+%
+Remember thee
+Ay, thou poor ghost while memory holds a seat
+In this distracted globe. Remember thee!
+Yea, from the table of my memory
+I'll wipe away all trivial fond records,
+All saws of books, all forms, all pressures past,
+That youth and observation copied there.
+ -- William Shakespear, "Hamlet"
+%
+Remember to say hello to your bank teller.
+%
+Remember, UNIX spelled backwards is XINU.
+ -- Mt.
+%
+Remember: use logout to logout.
+%
+Remembering is for those who have forgotten.
+ -- Chinese proverb
+%
+Remove me from this land of slaves,
+Where all are fools, and all are knaves,
+Where every knave and fool is bought,
+Yet kindly sells himself for nought;
+ -- Jonathan Swift
+%
+Removing the straw that broke the camel's back
+does not necessarily allow the camel to walk again.
+%
+Renning's Maxim:
+ Man is the highest animal. Man does the classifying.
+%
+Repartee is something we think of twenty-four hours too late.
+ -- Mark Twain
+%
+Repel them. Repel them. Induce them to relinquish the spheroid.
+ -- Indiana University footbal cheer
+%
+Reply hazy, ask again later.
+%
+Reporter:
+ A writer who guesses his way to the truth
+ and dispels it with a tempest of words.
+ -- Ambrose Bierce
+%
+Reporter: "How did you like school when you were growing up, Yogi?"
+Yogi Berra: "Closed."
+%
+Reporter: "What would you do if you found a million dollars?"
+Yogi Berra: "If the guy was poor, I would give it back."
+%
+Reporter (to Mahatma Gandhi):
+ Mr. Gandhi, what do you think of Western Civilization?
+Gandhi: I think it would be a good idea.
+%
+Republicans raise dahlias, Dalmatians and eyebrows.
+Democrats raise Airedales, kids and taxes.
+
+Democrats eat the fish they catch.
+Republicans hang them on the wall.
+
+Republican boys date Democratic girls. They plan to marry
+Republican girls, but feel they're entitled to a little fun first.
+
+Democrats make up plans and then do something else.
+Republicans follow the plans their grandfathers made.
+
+Republicans sleep in twin beds -- some even in separate rooms.
+That is why there are more Democrats.
+ -- Paul Dickson, "The Official Rules"
+%
+Reputation, adj:
+ What others are not thinking about you.
+%
+Research is the best place to be: you work your buns off, and if it works
+you're a hero; if it doesn't, well -- nobody else has done it yet either,
+so you're still a valiant nerd.
+%
+Research is to see what everybody else has seen,
+and think what nobody else has thought.
+%
+Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing.
+ -- Wernher von Braun
+%
+Research, n:
+ Consider Columbus:
+ He didn't know where he was going.
+ When he got there he didn't know where he was.
+ When he got back he didn't know where he had been.
+ And he did it all on someone else's money.
+%
+Resisting temptation is easier when you
+think you'll probably get another chance later on.
+%
+Responsibility:
+ Everyone says that having power is a great responsibility. This is
+a lot of bunk. Responsibility is when someone can blame you if something
+goes wrong. When you have power you are surrounded by people whose job it
+is to take the blame for your mistakes. If they're smart, that is.
+ -- Cerebus, "On Governing"
+%
+Retirement means that when someone says "Have a nice day", you
+actually have a shot at it.
+%
+Reunite Gondwondaland!
+%
+Rev. Jim: What does an amber light mean?
+Bobby: Slow down.
+Rev. Jim: What... does... an... amber... light... mean?
+Bobby: Slow down.
+Rev. Jim: What.... does.... an.... amber.... light....
+%
+Revenge is a form of nostalgia.
+%
+Revenge is a meal best served cold.
+%
+Review Questions
+
+1: If Nerd on the planet Nutley starts out in his spaceship at 20 KPH,
+ and his speed doubles every 3.2 seconds, how long will it be before
+ he exceeds the speed of light? How long will it be before the
+ Galactic Patrol picks up the pieces of his spaceship?
+
+2: If Roger Rowdy wrecks his car every week, and each week he breaks
+ twice as many bones as before, how long will it be before he breaks
+ every bone in his body? How long will it be before they cut off
+ his insurance? Where does he get a new car every week?
+
+3: If Johnson drinks one beer the first hour (slow start), four beers
+ the next hour, nine beers the next, etc., and stacks the cans in
+ a pyramid, how soon will Johnson's pyramid be larger than King
+ Tut's? When will it fall on him? Will he notice?
+%
+Revolution, n:
+ A form of government abroad.
+%
+Revolution, n:
+ In politics, an abrupt change in the form of misgovernment.
+ -- Ambrose Bierce
+%
+revolutionary, adj:
+ Repackaged.
+%
+Rhode's Law:
+ When any principle, law, tenet, probability, happening, circumstance,
+ or result can in no way be directly, indirectly, empirically, or
+ circuitously proven, derived, implied, inferred, induced, deducted,
+ estimated, or scientifically guessed, it will always for the purpose
+ of convenience, expediency, political advantage, material gain, or
+ personal comfort, or any combination of the above, or none of the
+ above, be unilaterally and unequivocally assumed, proclaimed, and
+ adhered to as absolute truth to be undeniably, universally, immutably,
+ and infinitely so, until such time as it becomes advantageous to
+ assume otherwise, maybe.
+%
+Rich bachelors should be heavily taxed. It is not fair that some men
+should be happier than others.
+ -- Oscar Wilde
+%
+Richard Nixon was the most dishonest individual I have ever met in my life.
+He lied to his wife, his family, his friends, his colleagues in the Congress,
+lifetime members of his own political party, the American people, and the
+world.
+ -- Senator Barry Goldwater
+%
+Riches cover a multitude of woes.
+ -- Menander
+%
+Rick: "How can you close me up? On what grounds?"
+Renault: "I'm shocked! Shocked! To find that gambling is
+ going on here."
+Croupier (handing money to Renault):
+ "Your winnings, sir."
+Renault: "Oh. Thank you very much."
+ -- Casablanca
+%
+Riffle West Virginia is so small that the
+Boy Scout had to double as the town drunk.
+%
+"Rights" is a fictional abstraction. No one has "Rights", neither
+machines nor flesh-and-blood. Persons... have opportunities, not
+rights, which they use or do not use.
+ -- Lazarus Long
+%
+Ring around the collar.
+%
+Ritchie's Rule:
+ (1) Everything has some value -- if you use the right currency.
+ (2) Paint splashes last longer than the paint job.
+ (3) Search and ye shall find -- but make sure it was lost.
+%
+Robot, n:
+ Someone who's been made by a scientist.
+%
+Robot, n:
+ University administrator.
+%
+Robustness, adj:
+ Never having to say you're sorry.
+%
+Rocky's Lemma of Innovation Prevention
+ Unless the results are known in advance,
+ funding agencies will reject the proposal.
+%
+Romance, like alcohol, should be enjoyed, but should not be allowed to
+become necessary.
+ -- Edgar Friedenberg
+%
+Rome was not built in one day.
+ -- John Heywood
+%
+Rome wasn't burnt in a day.
+%
+Romeo was restless, he was ready to kill,
+He jumped out the window 'cause he couldn't sit still,
+Juliet was waiting with a safety net,
+Said "don't bury me 'cause I ain't dead yet".
+ -- Elvis Costello
+%
+Roses are red;
+ Violets are blue.
+I'm schizophrenic,
+ And so am I.
+%
+Rotten wood cannot be carved.
+ -- Confucius, "Analects", Book 5, Ch. 9
+%
+Roumanian-Yiddish cooking has killed more Jews than Hitler.
+ -- Zero Mostel
+%
+Round Numbers are always false.
+ -- Samuel Johnson
+%
+Row, row, row your bits, gently down the stream...
+%
+Rubber bands have snappy endings!
+%
+Rube Walker: "Hey, Yogi, what time is it?"
+Yogi Berra: "You mean now?"
+%
+Rudd's Discovery:
+ You know that any senator or congressman could go home and make
+ $300,000 to $400,000, but they don't. Why? Because they can
+ stay in Washington and make it there.
+%
+Rudeness is a weak man's imitation of strength.
+%
+Rudin's Law:
+ If there is a wrong way to do something, most people will
+ do it every time.
+
+Rudin's Second Law:
+ In a crisis that forces a choice to be made among alternative
+ courses of action, people tend to choose the worst possible
+ course.
+%
+rugby, n:
+ Elegant violence.
+
+ (Rugby players eat their dead.)
+ (Blood makes the grass grow!)
+ (Support your local hooker! Play rugby!)
+
+ [A "hooker" is part of the scrum. Thought you'd want to know. Ed.]
+%
+RUGGED:
+ Too heavy to lift.
+%
+Rule #1:
+ The Boss is always right.
+
+Rule #2:
+ If the Boss is wrong, see Rule #1.
+%
+Rule #7: Silence is not acquiescence.
+ Contrary to what you may have heard, silence of those present is
+not necessarily consent, even the reluctant variety. They simply may
+sit in stunned silence and figure ways of sabotaging the plan after they
+regain their composure.
+%
+Rule of Creative Research:
+ 1) Never draw what you can copy.
+ 2) Never copy what you can trace.
+ 3) Never trace what you can cut out and paste down.
+%
+Rule of Defactualization:
+ Information deteriorates upward through bureaucracies.
+%
+Rule of Feline Frustration:
+ When your cat has fallen asleep on your lap and looks utterly
+ content and adorable, you will suddenly have to go to the
+ bathroom.
+%
+Rule of Life #1 -- Never get separated from your luggage.
+%
+Rule of the Great:
+ When people you greatly admire appear to be thinking deep
+ thoughts, they probably are thinking about lunch.
+%
+Rule the Empire through force.
+ -- Shogun Tokugawa
+%
+Rules for driving in New York:
+ 1) Anything done while honking your horn is legal.
+ 2) You may park anywhere if you turn your four-way flashers on.
+ 3) A red light means the next six cars may go through the
+ intersection.
+%
+Rules for Good Grammar #4.
+ 1: Don't use no double negatives.
+ 2: Make each pronoun agree with their antecedents.
+ 3: Join clauses good, like a conjunction should.
+ 4: About them sentence fragments.
+ 5: When dangling, watch your participles.
+ 6: Verbs has got to agree with their subjects.
+ 7: Just between you and i, case is important.
+ 8: Don't write run-on sentences when they are hard to read.
+ 9: Don't use commas, which aren't necessary.
+10: Try to not ever split infinitives.
+11: It is important to use your apostrophe's correctly.
+12: Proofread your writing to see if you any words out.
+13: Correct speling is essential.
+14: A preposition is something you never end a sentence with.
+15: While a transcendant vocabulary is laudable, one must be eternally
+ careful so that the calculated objective of communication does not
+ become ensconsed in obscurity. In other words, eschew obfuscation.
+%
+Rules for Writers:
+ Avoid run-on sentences they are hard to read. Don't use no double
+negatives. Use the semicolon properly, always use it where it is appropriate;
+and never where it isn't. Reserve the apostrophe for it's proper use and
+omit it when its not needed. No sentence fragments. Avoid commas, that are
+unnecessary. Eschew dialect, irregardless. And don't start a sentence with
+a conjunction. Hyphenate between sy-llables and avoid un-necessary hyphens.
+Write all adverbial forms correct. Don't use contractions in formal writing.
+Writing carefully, dangling participles must be avoided. It is incumbent on
+us to avoid archaisms. Steer clear of incorrect forms of verbs that have
+snuck in the language. Never, ever use repetitive redundancies. If I've
+told you once, I've told you a thousand times, resist hyperbole. Also,
+avoid awkward or affected alliteration. Don't string too many prepositional
+phrases together unless you are walking through the valley of the shadow of
+death. "Avoid overuse of 'quotation "marks."'"
+%
+RULES OF EATING -- THE BRONX DIETER'S CREED
+ 1. Never eat on an empty stomach.
+ 2. Never leave the table hungry.
+ 3. When traveling, never leave a country hungry.
+ 4. Enjoy your food.
+ 5. Enjoy your companion's food.
+ 6. Really taste your food. It may take several portions to
+ accomplish this, especially if subtly seasoned.
+ 7. Really feel your food. Texture is important. Compare, for
+ example, the texture of a turnip to that of a brownie.
+ Which feels better against your cheeks?
+ 8. Never eat between snacks, unless it's a meal.
+ 9. Don't feel you must finish everything on your plate. You can
+ always eat it later.
+ 10. Avoid any wine with a childproof cap.
+ 11. Avoid blue food.
+ -- The Bronx Diet, "Richard Smith"
+%
+Ruling a big country is like cooking a small fish.
+ -- Lao Tsu
+%
+Rune's Rule:
+ If you don't care where you are, you ain't lost.
+%
+Russia has abolished God, but so far God has been more tolerant.
+ -- John Cameron Swayze
+%
+Ruth made a great mistake when he gave up pitching. Working once a week,
+he might have lasted a long time and become a great star.
+ -- Tris Speaker, commenting on Babe Ruth's plan to change
+ from being a pitcher to an outfielder.
+ Cerf/Navasky, "The Experts Speak"
+%
+Ryan's Law:
+ Make three correct guesses consecutively
+ and you will establish yourself as an expert.
+%
+Sacher's Observation:
+ Some people grow with responsibility -- others merely swell.
+%
+Sacred cows make great hamburgers.
+%
+SADISM:
+ A sadist refusing to whip a masochist.
+%
+sadoequinecrophilia, n:
+ Beating a dead horse.
+%
+Safety Third.
+%
+Safety Tips for the Post-Nuclear Existence
+ Tip #1: How to tell when you are dead.
+
+ 1. Little things start bothering you: little things like worms,
+ bugs, ants.
+ 2. Something is missing in your personal relationships.
+ 3. Your dog becomes overly affectionate.
+ 4. You have a hard time getting a waiter.
+ 5. Exotic birds flock around you.
+ 6. People ignore you at parties.
+ 7. You have a hard time getting up in the morning.
+ 8. You no longer get off on cocaine.
+%
+SAGDEEV CALLED ON THE U.S. TO MAKE A RECIPROCAL GESTURE:
+
+ In a recent speech in London, the irrepressible former head of the
+Soviet Space Research Institute noted that the Soviet Government has offered
+to convert its gigantic Krasnoyarsk radar in Siberia into an international
+space research facility in response to U.S. complaints that the radar would
+violate the ABM treaty. Sagdeev suggested that the U.S. reciprocate by
+turning the unfinished U.S. embassy in Moscow into a nuclear crisis reduction
+center. The communication system, he pointed out, is already in place.
+%
+SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22 - Dec 21)
+ You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless
+ tendency to rely on luck since you lack talent. The majority of
+ Sagitarians are drunks or dope fiends or both. People laugh at
+ you a great deal.
+%
+SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 to Dec. 21)
+ Move slowly today, be deliberate. Indications are for bleeding
+ ulcers. Drink milk. Try not to be your usual offensive and
+ obnoxious self. Call your mother.
+%
+SAGITTARIUS (Nov.22 - Dec.21)
+ Your efforts to help a little old lady cross a street will
+ backfire when you learn that she was waiting for a bus. Subdue
+ impulse you have to push her out into traffic.
+%
+Said the attractive, cigar-smoking housewife to her girl-friend: "I
+got started one night when George came home and found one burning in
+the ashtray."
+%
+Sailing is fun, but scrubbing the decks is aardvark.
+ -- Heard on Noahs' ark
+%
+Sailors in ships, sail on!
+Even while we died, others rode out the storm.
+%
+Saints should always be judged guilty until they are proved innocent.
+ -- George Orwell, "Reflections on Gandhi"
+%
+Saliva causes cancer, but only if swallowed
+in small amounts over a long period of time.
+ -- George Carlin
+%
+Sally: C'mon, Ted, all I'm asking you to do is share your feelings
+ with me.
+Ted: ALL? Do you realize what you're asking? Men aren't trained
+ to share. We're trained to protect ourselves by not
+ letting anyone too close. Good grief, if I go around
+ sharing everything with you, you could hang me out to dry.
+Sally: It's called "trust," Ted.
+Ted: "Sharing"? "Trust"? You're really asking me to sail into
+ uncharted waters here.
+ -- Sally Forth
+%
+Sam: What do you know there, Norm?
+Norm: How to sit. How to drink. Want to quiz me?
+ -- Cheers, Loverboyd
+
+Sam: Hey, how's life treating you there, Norm?
+Norm: Beats me. ... Then it kicks me and leaves me for dead.
+ -- Cheers, Loverboyd
+
+Woody: How would a beer feel, Mr. Peterson?
+Norm: Pretty nervous if I was in the room.
+ -- Cheers, Loverboyd
+%
+Sam: What's the good word, Norm?
+Norm: Plop, plop, fizz, fizz.
+Sam: Oh no, not the Hungry Heifer...
+Norm: Yeah, yeah, yeah...
+Sam: One heartburn cocktail coming up.
+ -- Cheers, I'll Gladly Pay You Tuesday
+
+Sam: Whaddya say, Norm?
+Norm: Well, I never met a beer I didn't drink. And down it goes.
+ -- Cheers, Love Thy Neighbor
+
+Woody: What's your pleasure, Mr. Peterson?
+Norm: Boxer shorts and loose shoes. But I'll settle for a beer.
+ -- Cheers, The Bar Stoolie
+%
+Sam: What do you say, Norm?
+Norm: Any cheap, tawdry thing that'll get me a beer.
+ -- Cheers, Birth, Death, Love and Rice
+
+Sam: What do you say to a beer, Normie?
+Norm: Hiya, sailor. New in town?
+ -- Cheers, Woody Goes Belly Up
+
+Norm: [coming in from the rain] Evening, everybody.
+All: Norm! (Norman.)
+Sam: Still pouring, Norm?
+Norm: That's funny, I was about to ask you the same thing.
+ -- Cheers, Diane's Nightmare
+%
+Sam: What's going on, Normie?
+Norm: My birthday, Sammy. Give me a beer, stick a candle in
+ it, and I'll blow out my liver.
+ -- Cheers, Where Have All the Floorboards Gone
+
+Woody: Hey, Mr. P. How goes the search for Mr. Clavin?
+Norm: Not as well as the search for Mr. Donut.
+ Found him every couple of blocks.
+ -- Cheers, Head Over Hill
+%
+Sam: What's new, Norm?
+Norm: Most of my wife.
+ -- Cheers, The Spy Who Came in for a Cold One
+
+Coach: Beer, Norm?
+Norm: Naah, I'd probably just drink it.
+ -- Cheers, Now Pitching, Sam Malone
+
+Coach: What's doing, Norm?
+Norm: Well, science is seeking a cure for thirst. I happen
+ to be the guinea pig.
+ -- Cheers, Let Me Count the Ways
+%
+SAN DIEGO:
+ Four million people, where you can't get a
+ good cheeseburger, no matter how hard you try.
+%
+SAN FRANCISCO:
+ Marcel Proust editing an issue of Penthouse.
+%
+San Francisco has always been my favorite booing city. I don't mean the
+people boo louder or longer, but there is a very special intimacy. When
+they boo you, you know they mean *you*. Music, that's what it is to me.
+One time in Kezar Stadium they gave me a standing boo.
+ -- George Halas, professional footbal coach
+%
+San Francisco isn't what it used to be, and it never was.
+ -- Herb Caen
+%
+Sanity and insanity overlap a fine grey line.
+%
+Sank heaven for leetle curls.
+%
+Santa Claus is watching!
+%
+Santa Claus wears a red suit
+He's a Communist.
+
+He has long hair and a beard
+Must be a pacifist.
+
+And what's in the pipe that he's smoking?
+
+Santa Claus comes in your house at night.
+He must be a dope fiend to get you up tight.
+
+Why do police guys beat on peace guys?
+ -- Arlo Guthrie, "The Pause of Mr. Claus"
+%
+
+SANTA IS BRINGING GOOD WISHES FROM ALL THE
+MICRO ARTISTS GANG! MAY 1988 BE A HAPPY YEAR!
+
+
+ \__\_ :. ___/
+ ..\ /--
+ :.______ : .:* : . _ .: :.. . : . . : ()_ .:
+ (( \. :./(__ :._O_)________:______,____:____/ *\_o
+====(( \: (****) (***) :. ...: .. . ()_______/\\ __-'
+ \____(( \ ()oo()_/ /.: : ..________/_____ll -/.: ..
+ ( (( \(())))__/ . .. \\.: ..( ) ll ( l_.:
+( / (( \__*__)___:___ : : )) .) /--------\ \ \
+( / ((_____________) .. // . / / /..:: . )_)_\
+ (____/_____________________\__// : /_/_/ :.. :/_/ \_\
+ /_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/ /_/_/
+
+
+%
+Santa's elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses.
+%
+Satellite Safety Tip #14:
+ If you see a bright streak in the sky coming at you, duck.
+%
+Satire does not look pretty upon a tombstone.
+%
+Satire is tragedy plus time.
+ -- Lenny Bruce
+%
+Satire is what closes in New Haven.
+%
+Satire is what closes Saturday night.
+ -- George Kaufman
+%
+Sattinger's Law:
+ It works better if you plug it in.
+%
+Saturday night in Toledo Ohio,
+Is like being nowhere at all,
+All through the day how the hours rush by,
+You sit in the park and you watch the grass die.
+ -- John Denver, "Saturday Night in Toledo Ohio"
+%
+Satyrs have more faun.
+%
+Savage's Law of Expediency:
+ You want it bad, you'll get it bad.
+%
+Save a little money each month and at the end of the year you'll be
+surprised at how little you have.
+ -- Ernest Haskins
+%
+Save energy: Drive a smaller shell.
+%
+Save energy: be apathetic.
+%
+Save gas, don't eat beans.
+%
+Save gas, don't use the shell.
+%
+Save the bales!
+%
+Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
+%
+Save yourself! Reboot in 5 seconds!
+%
+Say! You've struck a heap of trouble--
+Bust in business, lost your wife;
+No one cares a cent about you,
+You don't care a cent for life;
+Hard luck has of hope bereft you,
+Health is failing, wish you'd die--
+Why, you've still the sunshine left you
+And the big blue sky.
+ -- R.W. Service
+%
+Say it with flowers,
+Or say it with mink,
+But whatever you do,
+Don't say it with ink!
+ -- Jimmie Durante
+%
+Say many of cameras focused t'us,
+Our middle-aged shots do us justice.
+No justice, please, curse ye!
+We really want mercy:
+You see, 'tis the justice, disgusts us.
+ -- Thomas H. Hildebrandt
+%
+Say my love is easy had,
+Say I'm bitten raw with pride,
+Say I am too often sad --
+Still behold me at your side.
+
+Say I'm neither brave nor young,
+Say I woo and coddle care,
+Say the devil touched my tongue,
+Still you have my heart to wear.
+
+But say my verses do not scan,
+And I get me another man!
+ -- Dorothy Parker, "Fighting Words"
+%
+Say no, then negotiate.
+ -- Helga
+%
+Say something you'll be sorry for, I love receiving apologies.
+%
+Say "twenty-three-skiddoo" to logout.
+%
+SCCS, the source motel! Programs check in and never check out!
+ -- Ken Thompson
+%
+SCENARIO:
+ An imagined sequence of events that provides the context in
+ which a business decision is made. Scenarios always come in
+ sets of three: best case, worst case, and just in case.
+%
+Scenary is here, wish you were beautiful.
+%
+Scene:
+ A small boy stands agasp on the stairway overlooking the living
+room. A rather largish man in a big red suit with white fur and red and
+white belled cap hunches over the fireplace, obviously interrupted in
+filling stockings with packages taken from a huge bag slung over his
+shoulder. His eyebrows are raised, matter-of-factly, as he spies the boy
+intently watching him.
+
+Caption:
+ "I'm sorry you've seen me, Billy. Now I'll have to kill you.
+%
+Schapiro's Explanation:
+ The grass is always greener on the other side --
+ but that's because they use more manure.
+%
+Schizophrenia beats being alone.
+%
+schlattwhapper, n:
+ The window shade that allows itself to be pulled down,
+ hesitates for a second, then snaps up in your face.
+ -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
+%
+Schmidt's Observation:
+ All things being equal, a fat person uses more soap
+ than a thin person.
+%
+Science and religion are in full accord but
+science and faith are in complete discord.
+%
+Science Fiction, Double Feature.
+Frank has built and lost his creature.
+Darkness has conquered Brad and Janet.
+The servants gone to a distant planet.
+Wo, oh, oh, oh.
+At the late night, double feature, Picture show.
+I want to go, oh, oh, oh.
+To the late night, double feature, Picture show.
+ -- Rocky Horror Picture Show
+%
+Science is built up of facts, as a house is with stones. But a
+collection of facts is no more a science than a heap of stones
+is a house.
+ -- Jules Henri Poincare
+%
+Science is to computer science as hydrodynamics is to plumbing.
+%
+Science is what happens when preconception meets verification.
+%
+Science may someday discover what faith has always known.
+%
+Science! true daughter of Old Time thou art!
+Who alterest all things with thy peering eyes.
+Why preyest thou thus upon the poet's heart,
+Vulture, whose wings are dull realities?
+How should he love thee? or how deem thee wise?
+Who wouldst not leave him in his wandering
+To seek for treasure in the jewelled skies,
+Albeit he soared with an undaunted wing?
+Hast thou not dragged Diana from her car?
+And driven the Hamadryad from the wood
+To seek a shelter in some happier star?
+Hast thou not torn the Naiad from her flood,
+The Elfin from the green grass, and from me
+The summer dream beneath the tamarind tree?
+ -- Edgar Allen Poe, "Science, a Sonnet"
+%
+Scientists still know less about what attracts men
+than they do about what attracts mosquitoes.
+ -- Dr. Joyce Brothers,
+ "What Every Woman Should Know About Men"
+%
+Scientists were preparing an experiment to ask the ultimate question.
+They had worked for months gathering one each of every computer that
+was built. Finally the big day was at hand. All the computers were
+linked together. They asked the question, "Is there a God?". Lights
+started blinking, flashing and blinking some more. Suddenly, there
+was a loud crash, and a bolt of lightning came down from the sky,
+struck the computers, and welded all the connections permanently
+together. "There is now", came the reply.
+%
+Scintilate, scintilate, globule vivific,
+Fain how I pause at your nature specific,
+Loftily poised in the ether capacious,
+Highly resembling a gem carbonaceous.
+Scintilate, scintilate, globule vivific,
+Fain how I pause at your nature specific.
+%
+Scintillation is not always identification for an auric substance.
+%
+SCORPIO (Oct 23 - Nov 21)
+ You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You will achieve
+ the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics. Most
+ Scorpio people are murdered.
+%
+SCORPIO (Oct. 23 to Nov. 21)
+ Friends abound today, seeking repayment of past loans. Smile. Check
+ for concealed weapons. Your natural cheerfulness makes others want
+ to throw up. Knock it off.
+%
+SCORPIO (Oct.24 - Nov.21)
+ You will receive word today that you are eligible to win a million
+ dollars in prizes. It will be from a magazine trying to get you to
+ subscribe, and you're just dumb enough to think you've got a chance
+ to win. You never learn.
+%
+Scott's First Law:
+ No matter what goes wrong, it will probably look right.
+
+Scott's Second Law:
+ When an error has been detected and corrected, it will be found
+ to have been wrong in the first place.
+Corollary:
+ After the correction has been found in error, it will be
+ impossible to fit the original quantity back into the
+ equation.
+%
+Scotty: Captain, we din' can reference it!
+Kirk: Analysis, Mr. Spock?
+Spock: Captain, it doesn't appear in the symbol table.
+Kirk: Then it's of external origin?
+Spock: Affirmative.
+Kirk: Mr. Sulu, go to pass two.
+Sulu: Aye aye, sir, going to pass two.
+%
+Scratch the disks, dump the core, Shut it down, pull the plug
+Roll the tapes across the floor, Give the core an extra tug
+And the system is going to crash. And the system is going to crash.
+Teletypes smashed to bits. Mem'ry cards, one and all,
+Give the scopes some nasty hits Toss out halfway down the hall
+And the system is going to crash. And the system is going to crash.
+And we've also found Just flip one switch
+When you turn the power down, And the lights will cease to twitch
+You turn the disk readers into trash. And the tape drives will crumble
+Oh, it's so much fun, in a flash.
+Now the CPU won't run When the CPU
+And the system is going to crash. Can print nothing out but "foo,"
+ The system is going to crash.
+ -- To The Caissons Go Rolling Along
+%
+Scratch the disks!
+Drop the core!
+Roll the tapes across the floor!
+%
+Screw up your courage! You've screwed up everything else.
+%
+SCRIBLINE:
+ The blank area on the back of credit cards where one's signature goes.
+ -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
+%
+'Scuse me, while I kiss the sky!
+ -- Robert James Marshall (Jimi) Hendrix
+%
+Sears has everything.
+%
+Seattle is so wet that people protect their property with watch-ducks.
+%
+Second Law of Business Meetings:
+ If there are two possible ways to spell a person's name, you
+ will pick the wrong one.
+
+Corollary:
+ If there is only one way to spell a name,
+ you will spell it wrong, anyway.
+%
+Second Law of Final Exams:
+ In your toughest final -- for the first time all year -- the most
+ distractingly attractive student in the class will sit next to you.
+%
+Secrecy is the beginning of tyranny.
+%
+Secretary's Revenge:
+ Filing almost everything under "the".
+%
+Security check: INTRUDER ALERT!
+%
+Sed quis custodiet ipsos Custodes?
+[Who guards the Guardians?]
+%
+Seduced, shaggy Samson snored.
+She scissored short. Sorely shorn,
+Soon shackled slave, Samson sighed,
+Silently scheming,
+Sightlessly seeking
+Some savage, spectacular suicide.
+ -- Stanislaw Lem
+%
+See, these two penguins walked into a bar, which was really stupid, 'cause
+the second one should have seen it.
+%
+Seeing a commotion in Harvard Square, a man strolled over and asked what
+was going on. One of the onlookers explained to him that there was a Mooney
+who had immersed himself in gasoline and was threatening to set fire to
+himself to demonstrate his commitment to the Rev. Moon. The man gasped and
+asked what was being done to defuse the obviously dangerous situation.
+ "Well", replied the onlooker, "we're taking up a collection -- so
+far I've got two Bics, four Zippos and eighteen books of matches."
+%
+Seeing is believing.
+You wouldn't have seen it if you hadn't believed it.
+%
+Seeing is deceiving. It's eating that's believing.
+ -- James Thurber
+%
+Seeing that death, a necessary end,
+Will come when it will come.
+ -- William Shakespeare, "Julius Caesar"
+%
+Seek simplicity -- and distrust it.
+ -- Alfred North Whitehead
+%
+Seems a computer engineer, a systems analyst, and a programmer were
+driving down a mountain when the brakes gave out. They screamed down the
+mountain, gaining speed, but finally managed to grind to a halt, more by
+luck than anything else, just inches from a thousand foot drop to jagged
+rocks. They all got out of the car:
+ The computer engineer said, "I think I can fix it."
+ The systems analyst said, "No, no, I think we should take it
+into town and have a specialist look at it."
+ The programmer said, "OK, but first I think we should get back
+in and see if it does it again."
+%
+Seems like this duck waddles into a pharmacy, waddles up to the prescription
+counter and rings the bell. The pharmacist walks up and asks, "Can I help
+you?".
+ The duck replies, "Yes, I'd like a box of condoms, please."
+ "Certainly", says the pharmacist, "will that be cash or would
+you like me to put it on your bill?"
+ Snarls the duck, "Just what kind of duck do you think I am?"
+%
+Seems like this farmer purchased an old, run-down, abandoned farm with plans
+to turn it into a thriving enterprise. The fields are grown over with weeds,
+the farmhouse is falling apart, and the fences are collapsing all around.
+During his first day of work, the town preacher stops by to bless the man's
+work, praying, "May you and God work together to make this the farm of your
+dreams!"
+ A few months later, the preacher stops by again to call on the farmer.
+Lo and behold, it's like a completely different place -- the farm house is
+completely rebuilt and in excellent condition, there is plenty of cattle and
+other livestock happily munching on feed in well-fenced pens, and the fields
+are filled with crops planted in neat rows. "Amazing!" the preacher says.
+"Look what God and you have accomplished together!"
+ "Yes, reverend," replies the farmer, "but remember what the farm was
+like when God was working it alone!"
+%
+Seems like this guy wanders into a rural outfitting store in Alaska,
+and starts talking to a rather grizzled old man sitting by the cash
+register.
+ "Hear ya got a lotta' bears 'round here?"
+ "Yeah, you could say that," answers the old man.
+ "GRIZZLIES?!?!"
+ "A few."
+ "Got any bear bells?"
+ "What's that?"
+ "You know, them little dingle-bells ya put on yer backpack so
+bears know yer there so's they can run away ... I'll take one fer black
+bears, and one fer them grizzlies. Say, how do you know yer in grizzly
+country, anyhow?"
+ "Look fer scatt. Grizzly scatt's different from black bear scatt."
+ "Well now, what's IN grizzly scatt that's different?"
+ "Bear bells."
+%
+Seems that a pollster was taking a worldwide opinion poll.
+Her question was, "Excuse me; what's your opinion on the meat shortage?"
+
+In Texas, the answer was "What's a shortage?"
+In Poland, the answer was "What's meat?"
+In the Soviet Union, the answer was "What's an opinion?"
+In New York City, the answer was "What's excuse me?"
+%
+Seems this fellow was suffering from terrific headaches, and went to his
+doctor about it. The physician made a number of tests, and informed the man
+that the only thing for his headaches was castration. After a few more
+months, the headaches became so intense that the man agreed to the operation.
+Naturally enough, the ruination of his sex life depressed him tremendously,
+and he decided to purchase a new wardrobe to make himself feel better.
+He enters a men's clothing store and a salesman wanders over, looks him
+up and down, and says, "Well, let's start with shirts... 15 neck, 34 sleeve."
+ The guy is amazed. "How'd you know?"
+ "Well, I've been here nearly 30 years, and I can tell sizes within
+a quarter inch on every piece of clothing." The salesman's claim is borne
+out. Slacks, 34 waist, 32 inseam; jacket: 42 long. And so on and so forth.
+When the man has been completely outfitted he decides that he'd better buy
+some new underwear.
+ The salesman looks at him and says, "Okay, that'll be a 34."
+ "No, that's wrong," says the man. "I've always worn a 32." The
+salesman insists, pointing out his accuracy so far. The man argues, agreeing
+that while he's been right so far, he has always worn a 32 in shorts.
+ Finally in exasperation, the salesman says, "Listen, I tell you,
+you *have* to wear a 34. Otherwise, you'll get these *awful* headaches."
+%
+Seems this guy showed up at a party, and all of his friends jumped for
+Joy. But she sidestepped, and they missed.
+%
+Seize the day, put no trust in the morrow!
+ -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)
+%
+Seleznick's Theory of Holistic Medicine:
+ Ice Cream cures all ills. Temporarily.
+%
+semper en excretus
+%
+SEMPER UBI SUB UBI!!!!
+%
+Send some filthy mail.
+%
+Sendmail may be safely run set-user-id to root.
+ -- Eric Allman, "Sendmail Installation Guide"
+%
+SENILITY:
+ The state of mind of elderly persons
+ with whom one happens to disagree.
+%
+Senor Castro has been accused of communist sympathies, but this means very
+little since all opponents of the regime are automatically called communists.
+In fact he is further to the right than General Batista.
+ -- "Cuba's Rightist Rebel", The Economist, April 26, 1958
+%
+Sentient plasmoids are a gas.
+%
+Sentimentality -- that's what we call the sentiment we don't share.
+ -- Graham Greene
+%
+SERENDIPITY:
+ The process by which human knowledge is advanced.
+%
+Serfs up!
+ -- Spartacus
+%
+Serocki's Stricture:
+ Marriage is always a bachelor's last option.
+%
+Serving coffee on aircraft causes turbulence.
+%
+Set the cart before the horse.
+ -- John Heywood
+%
+Several years ago, an international chess tournament was being held in a
+swank hotel in New York. Most of the major stars of the chess world were
+there, and after a grueling day of chess, the players and their entourages
+retired to the lobby of the hotel for a little refreshment. In the lobby,
+some players got into a heated argument about who was the brightest, the
+fastest, and the best chess player in the world. The argument got quite
+loud, as various players claimed that honor. At that point, a security
+guard in the lobby turned to another guard and commented, "If there's
+anything I just can't stand, it's chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
+%
+Sex and drugs and rock and roll,
+Is all my brain and body need.
+Sex and drugs and rock and roll,
+Are very good indeed.
+
+Take your silly ways,
+Throw them out the window,
+The wisdom of your ways,
+I've been there and I know,
+Lots of other ways...
+ -- Ian Drury, "New Boots and Panties"
+%
+Sex discriminates against the shy and ugly.
+%
+Sex hasn't been the same since women started enjoying it.
+ -- Lewis Grizzard
+%
+Sex is about as important as a cheese sandwich. But a cheese sandwich,
+if you ain't got one to put in your belly, is extremely important.
+ -- Ian Dury
+%
+Sex is an emotion in motion.
+ -- Mae West
+%
+"Sex is as honest a product benefit for fragrance [perfume] as taste is
+for diet Coke."
+ -- Malcolm DacDougall
+%
+Sex is good, but not as good as fresh sweet corn.
+ -- Garrison Keillor
+%
+Sex is like pizza -- when it's good, it's great; and when it's bad,
+it's still darn tasty!
+%
+Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation... The other eight are
+unimportant.
+ -- Henry Miller
+%
+Sex is the mathematics urge sublimated.
+ -- M.C. Reed
+%
+Sex: the thing that takes up the least amount of time and causes the
+most amount of trouble.
+ -- John Barrymore
+%
+Sex without class consciousness cannot give satisfaction, even if it is
+repeated until infinity.
+ -- Aldo Brandirali (Secretary of the Italian Marxist-Leninist
+ Party), in a manual of the party's official sex guidelines,
+ 1973.
+%
+Sex without love is an empty experience, but,
+as empty experiences go, it's one of the best.
+ -- Woody Allen
+%
+Sexual enlightenment is justified insofar as girls cannot learn too soon
+how children do not come into the world.
+ -- Karl Kraus
+%
+Shah, shah! Ayatulla you so!
+%
+Shall we make a new rule of life from tonight:
+always to try to be a little kinder than is necessary?
+ -- J.M. Barrie
+%
+Shame is an improper emotion invented by
+pietists to oppress the human race.
+ -- Robert Preston, Toddy, "Victor/Victoria"
+%
+Shannon's Observation
+ Nothing is so frustrating as a bad situation
+ that is beginning to improve.
+%
+share, n:
+ To give in, endure humiliation.
+%
+Shaw's Principle:
+ Build a system that even a fool can use,
+ and only a fool will want to use it.
+%
+She always believed in the old adage -- leave them while you're looking
+good.
+ -- Anita Loos, "Gentlemen Prefer Blondes"
+%
+She applies her lipstick in spite of its contents: "greasy rouge,
+containing crushed and dried insect corpses for coloring, beeswax
+for stiffness, and olive oil to help it flow - the latter having
+the unfortunate tendency to go rancid several hours after use.
+
+In 1924 the New York Board of Health considered banning lipstick,
+not because it was hazardous to the wearers but because of "the
+worry that it might poison the men who kissed the women who wore it."
+ -- David Bodanis, "The Secret House"
+%
+She asked me, "What's your sign?"
+I blinked and answered "Neon,"
+I thought I'd blow her mind...
+%
+She been married so many times
+she got rice marks all over her face.
+ -- Tom Waits
+%
+She blinded me with science!
+%
+She can kill all your files;
+She can freeze with a frown.
+And a wave of her hand brings the whole system down.
+And she works on her code until ten after three.
+She lives like a bat but she's always a hacker to me.
+ -- Apologies to Billy Joel
+%
+She cried, and the judge wiped her tears with my checkbook.
+ -- Tommy Manville
+%
+She has an alarm clock and a phone that don't ring - they applaud.
+%
+She is descended from a long line that her mother listened to.
+ -- Gypsy Rose Lee
+%
+She just came in, pounced around this thing with me for a few
+years, enjoyed herself, gave it a sort of beautiful quality and
+left. Excited a few men in the meantime.
+ -- Patrick Macnee, reminiscing on Diana Rigg's
+ involvement in "The Avengers".
+%
+She missed an invaluable opportunity to give him
+a look that you could have poured on a waffle.
+%
+She often gave herself very good advice
+(though she very seldom followed it).
+ -- Lewis Carroll
+%
+She ran the gamut of emotions from 'A' to 'B'.
+ -- Dorothy Parker, on a Kate Hepburn performance
+%
+She say, Miss Colie, You better hush. God might hear you.
+Let 'im hear me, I say. If he ever listened to poor colored
+women the world would be a different place, I can tell you.
+ -- Alice Walker, "The Color Purple"
+%
+She sells cshs by the cshore.
+%
+She stood on the tracks
+Waving her arms
+Leading me to that third rail shock
+Quick as a wink
+She changed her mind
+
+She gave me a night
+That's all it was
+What will it take until I stop
+Kidding myself
+Wasting my time
+
+There's nothing else I can do
+'Cause I'm doing it all for Leyna
+I don't want anyone new
+'Cause I'm living it all for Leyna
+There's nothing in it for you
+'Cause I'm giving it all to Leyna
+ -- Billy Joel, "All for Leyna" (Glass Houses)
+%
+She was bred in ol' Kentucky
+But she's just a crumb up here
+She was knock-knee'd and double-jointed
+With a cauliflower ear
+Someday we will be married
+And if vegetables become too dear
+I'll just cut me a slice of
+Her cauliflower ear!
+ -- Curly Howard, "The Three Stooges"
+%
+She was good at playing abstract confusion in the same way a midget is
+good at being short.
+ -- Clive James, on Marilyn Monroe
+%
+She was only a moonshiner's daughter, but I love her still.
+%
+She was only a mortician's daughter but anyone cadaver.
+%
+She won' go Warp 7, Cap'n! The batteries are dead!
+%
+Shedenhelm's Law:
+ All trails have more uphill sections
+ than they have downhill sections.
+%
+"Shelter", what a nice name for for a place where you polish your cat.
+%
+Sheriff Chameleotoptor sighed with an air of weary sadness, and then
+turned to Doppelgutt and said 'The Senator must really have been on a
+bender this time -- he left a party in Cleveland, Ohio, at 11:30 last
+night, and they found his car this morning in the smokestack of a British
+aircraft carrier in the Formosa Straits.'
+ -- Grand Panjandrum's Special Award, 1985 Bulwer-Lytton
+ bad fiction contest.
+%
+Sherry [Thomas Sheridan] is dull, naturally dull; but it must have taken
+him a great deal of pains to become what we now see him. Such an excess
+of stupidity, sir, is not in Nature.
+ -- Samuel Johnson
+%
+She's learned to say things with her eyes
+that others waste time putting into words.
+%
+She's so tough she won't take 'yes' for an answer.
+%
+She's such a kinky girl,
+The kind you don't take home to mother.
+She will never let your spirits down
+Once you get her off the street.
+%
+She's the kind of girl who climbed the ladder of success wrong by wrong.
+ -- Mae West
+%
+Shhh... be vewy, vewy, quiet! I'm hunting wabbits...
+%
+Shick's Law:
+ There is no problem a good miracle can't solve.
+%
+Shift to the left,
+Shift to the right,
+Mask in, mask out,
+BYTE, BYTE, BYTE !!!
+%
+SHIFT TO THE LEFT!
+SHIFT TO THE RIGHT!
+POP UP, PUSH DOWN,
+BYTE, BYTE, BYTE!
+%
+Ships are safe in harbor, but they were never meant to stay there.
+%
+Shirley MacLaine died today in a freak psychic collision today. Two freaks
+in a van [Oh no!! It's the Copyright Police!!] Her aura-charred body was
+laid to rest after a eulogy by Jackie Collins, fellow member of SAFE [Society
+of Asinine Flake Entertainers]. Excerpted from some of his more quotable
+comments:
+
+ "Truly a woman of the times. These times, those times..."
+ "A Renaissance woman. Why in 1432..."
+ "A man for all seasons. Really..."
+
+After the ceremony, Shirley thanked her mourners and explained how delightful
+it was to "get it together" again, presumably referring to having her now dead
+body join her long dead brain.
+%
+Sho' they got to have it against the law. Shoot, ever'body git high,
+they wouldn't be nobody git up and feed the chickens. Hee-hee.
+ -- Terry Southern
+%
+Short people get rained on last.
+%
+Show business is just like high school, except you get paid.
+ -- Martin Mull
+%
+Show me a good loser in professional sports and I'll show you an idiot.
+Show me a good sportsman and I'll show you a player I'm looking to trade.
+ -- Leo Durocher
+%
+Show me a man who is a good loser and I'll
+show you a man who playing golf with his boss.
+%
+Show respect for age. Drink good Scotch for a change.
+%
+Show your affection, which will probably meet with pleasant response.
+%
+Showing up is 80% of life.
+ -- Woody Allen
+%
+Si Dieu n'existait pas, il faudrait l'inventer.
+ -- Voltaire
+%
+Si jeunesse savait, si vieillesse pouvait.
+[If youth but knew, if old age but could.]
+ -- Henri Estienne
+%
+Sic transit gloria Monday!
+%
+Sic transit gloria mundi.
+[So passes away the glory of this world.]
+ -- Thomas a Kempis
+%
+Sic Transit Gloria Thursdi.
+%
+Sight is a faculty; seeing is an art.
+%
+Sigmund's wife wore Freudian slips.
+%
+Signs of crime: screaming or cries for help.
+ -- The Brown University Security Crime Prevention Pamphlet
+%
+Silence can be the biggest lie of all. We have a responsibility to speak
+up; and whenever the occasion calls for it, we have a responsibility to
+raise bloody hell.
+ -- Herbert Block
+%
+Silence is the element in which great things fashion themselves.
+ -- Thomas Carlyle
+%
+Silence is the only virtue you have left.
+%
+sillema sillema nika su
+[translation: look it up...hint-fin]
+%
+Silly is a state of Mind, Stupid is a way of Life.
+%
+Silly Sally was baby sitting. But Silly Sally was getting bored. Thinking
+a walk would help, she put the baby in his carriage. Silly Sally pushed the
+carriage and pushed the carriage up this hill and down that one. She pushed
+the carriage up the highest hill in town, and ALL OF A SUDDEN! It slipped out
+of her hands (OH! NO!) and it was headed at high speed for the busiest
+intersection in town. BUT!
+
+Silly Sally just laughed and la.....ug.......h....e....d...........
+BECAUSE! SHE KNEW THERE WAS A STOP SIGN AT THE BOTTOM OF THE HILL!
+
+Silly Sally was playing in the garage. And she was being disobedient.
+She was playing with matches... AND... She burned down the garage.
+(OHHHHHH) Silly Sally's mother said, "Silly Sally! You have been naughty!
+And when your father gets home, you are going to get a good licking!" BUT!
+
+Silly Sally just laughed and la.....ug.......h....e....d...........
+BECAUSE! SHE KNEW HER FATHER WAS IN THE GARAGE WHEN SHE BURNED IT DOWN!
+%
+Silverman's Law:
+ If Murphy's Law can go wrong, it will.
+%
+Simon's Law:
+ Everything put together falls apart sooner or later.
+%
+Simplicity does not precede complexity, but follows it.
+%
+Simulations are like miniskirts, they show a lot and hide the essentials.
+ -- Hubert Kirrman
+%
+Sin boldly.
+ -- Martin Luther
+%
+Sin has many tools, but a lie is the handle which fits them all.
+%
+Sin lies only in hurting other people unnecessarily.
+All other "sins" are invented nonsense.
+(Hurting yourself is not sinful -- just stupid).
+ -- Lazarus Long
+%
+Since a politician never believes what he says, he is surprised
+when others believe him.
+ -- Charles DeGaulle
+%
+Since aerosols are forbidden, the police are using roll-on Mace!
+%
+Since before the Earth was formed and before the sun burned hot in space,
+cosmic forces of inexorable power have been working relentlessly toward
+this moment in space-time -- your receiving this fortune.
+%
+Since everything in life is but an experience perfect in being what it is,
+having nothing to do with good or bad, acceptance or rejection, one may well
+burst out in laughter.
+ -- Long Chen Pa
+%
+Since I hurt my pendulum
+My life is all erratic.
+My parrot who was cordial
+Is now transmitting static.
+The carpet died, a palm collapsed,
+The cat keeps doing poo.
+The only thing that keeps me sane
+Is talking to my shoe.
+ -- My Shoe
+%
+Since we cannot hope for order, let us withdraw with style from the chaos.
+ -- Tom Stoppard
+%
+Since we have to speak well of the dead, let's knock them while they're
+alive.
+ -- John Sloan
+%
+Sink or Swim with Teddy!
+%
+Sinners can repent, but stupid is forever.
+%
+Sir, it's very possible this asteroid is not stable.
+ -- CP30
+%
+[Sir Stafford Cripps] has all the virtues
+I dislike and none of the vices I admire.
+ -- Winston Churchill
+%
+Six days after the Creation, Adam was still alone in the Garden of
+Eden, and getting pretty desperate. "God!" he cried, "rescue me from
+loneliness and despair! Send some company for Your sake!"
+
+God replied "OK, I have just the thing. Keep you warm and relaxed all
+the days of your life. Never complains. Looks up to you in every way.
+It'll cost you though".
+
+"Sounds ideal" said Adam. "The society of the beasts of the field and
+the birds of the air palls after a while. What's the price?"
+
+"An arm and a leg", said God.
+
+Adam thought about it for a bit and finally sighed. "So, what can I get
+for a rib?"
+%
+Skill without imagination is craftsmanship and gives us many useful
+objects such as wickerwork picnic baskets. Imagination without skill
+gives us modern art.
+ -- Tom Stoppard
+%
+Skinner's Constant (or Flannagan's Finagling Factor):
+ That quantity which, when multiplied by, divided by, added to,
+ or subtracted from the answer you got, gives you the answer you
+ should have gotten.
+%
+skldfjkljklsR%^&(IXDRTYju187pkasdjbasdfbuil
+h;asvgy8p 23r1vyui135 2
+kmxsij90TYDFS$$b jkzxdjkl bjnk ;j nk;<[][;-==-<<<<<';[,
+ [hjioasdvbnuio;buip^&(FTSD$%*VYUI:buio;sdf}[asdf']
+ sdoihjfh(_YU*G&F^*CTY98y
+
+
+Now look what you've gone and done! You've broken it!
+%
+Slang is language that takes off its coat,
+spits on its hands, and goes to work.
+%
+Slaves are generally expected to sing as well as to work ... I did not, when
+a slave, understand the deep meanings of those rude, and apparently incoherent
+songs. I was myself within the circle, so that I neither saw nor heard as
+those without might see and hear. They told a tale which was then altogether
+beyond my feeble comprehension: they were tones, loud, long and deep,
+breathing the prayer and complaint of souls boiling over with the bitterest
+anguish. Every tone was a testimony against slavery, and a prayer to God
+for deliverance from chains.
+ -- Frederick Douglass
+%
+Sleep -- the most beautiful experience in life -- except drink.
+ -- W.C. Fields
+%
+Sleep is for the weak and sickly.
+%
+Slick's Three Laws of the Universe:
+ 1) Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.
+ 2) A quarter-ounce of chocolate = four pounds of fat.
+ 3) There are two types of dirt: the dark kind, which is
+ attracted to light objects, and the light kind, which is
+ attracted to dark objects.
+%
+Slous' Contention:
+ If you do a job too well, you'll get stuck with it.
+%
+Slow day.
+Practice crawling.
+%
+SLURM:
+ The slime that accumulates on the underside of a soap bar when it
+ sits in the dish too long.
+ -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
+%
+Small change can often be found under seat cushions.
+%
+Small is beautiful.
+ -- Schumacher's Dictum
+%
+Small things make base men proud.
+ -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"
+%
+Smartness runs in my family. When I went to school I was so smart my
+teacher was in my class for five years.
+ -- George Burns
+%
+Smear the road with a runner!!
+%
+Smile! You're on Candid Camera.
+%
+Smile, Cthulu Loathes You.
+%
+Smoking is, as far as I'm concerned, the entire point of being an adult.
+ -- Fran Lebowitz
+%
+SMOKING IS NOW ALLOWED !!!
+ Anyone wishing to smoke, however, must file, in triplicate, the
+ U.S. government Environmental Impact Narrative Statement (EINS),
+ describing in detail the type of combustion proposed, impact on
+ the environment, and anticipated opposition. Statements must be
+ filed 30 days in advance.
+%
+Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.
+ -- Fletcher Knebel
+%
+Smoking Prohibited. Absolutely no ifs, ands, or butts.
+%
+Smuggling... It's not just a job, it's an adventure!
+ -- paid for by your local Colombian recruiting office
+%
+SNACKTREK:
+ The peculiar habit, when searching for a snack, of constantly
+ returning to the refrigerator in hopes that something new will
+ have materialized.
+ -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
+%
+Snakes. Why did it have to be snakes?
+%
+SNAPPY REPARTEE:
+ What you'd say if you had another chance.
+%
+Snoopy: No problem is so big that it can't be run away from.
+%
+Snow and adolescence are the only problems
+that disappear if you ignore them long enough.
+%
+Snow Day -- stay home.
+%
+Snow White has become a camera buff. She spends hours and hours
+shooting pictures of the seven dwarfs and their antics. Then she
+mails the exposed film to a cut rate photo service. It takes weeks
+for the developed film to arrive in the mail, but that is all right
+with Snow White. She clears the table, washes the dishes and sweeps
+the floor, all the while singing "Someday my prints will come."
+%
+So... did you ever wonder, do garbagemen take showers before they
+go to work?
+%
+So do the noble fall. For they are ever caught in a trap of their own making.
+A trap -- walled by duty, and locked by reality. Against the greater force
+they must fall -- for, against that force they fight because of duty, because
+of obligations. And when the noble fall, the base remain. The base -- whose
+only purpose is the corruption of what the noble did protect. Whose only
+purpose is to destroy. The noble: who, even when fallen, retain a vestige of
+strength. For theirs is a strength born of things other than mere force.
+Theirs is a strength supreme... theirs is the strength -- to restore.
+ -- Gerry Conway, "Thor", #193
+%
+So far as I can remember, there is not one
+word in the Gospels in praise of intelligence.
+ -- Bertrand Russell
+%
+So far as we are human, what we do must be either evil or good: so far
+as we do evil or good, we are human: and it is better, in a paradoxical
+way, to do evil than to do nothing: at least we exist.
+ -- T.S. Eliot, essay on Baudelaire
+%
+So from the depths of its enchantment, Terra was able to calculate a course
+of action. Here at last was an opportunity to consort with Dirbanu on a
+friendly basis -- great Durbanu which, since it had force fields which Earth
+could not duplicate, must of necessity have many other things Earth could
+use; mighty Durbanu before whom we would kneel in supplication (with purely-
+for-defense bombs hidden in our pockets) with lowered heads (making invisible
+the knife in our teeth) and ask for crumbs from their table (in order to
+extrapolate the location of their kitchens).
+ -- T. Sturgeon, "The World Well Lost"
+%
+So... how come the Corinthians never wrote back?
+%
+So, if there's no God, who changes the water?
+ -- New Yorker cartoon of two goldfish in a bowl
+%
+So I'm ugly. So what? I never saw anyone hit with his face.
+ -- Yogi Berra
+%
+So, is the glass half empty, half full, or just twice as
+large as it needs to be?
+%
+So little time, so little to do.
+ -- Oscar Levant
+%
+So live that you wouldn't be ashamed
+to sell the family parrot to the town gossip.
+%
+So many beautiful women and so little time.
+ -- John Barrymore
+%
+So many men and so little time.
+%
+So many men, so many opinions; every one his own way.
+ -- Publius Terentius Afer (Terence)
+%
+So many women, and so little time!
+%
+So many women, so little nerve.
+%
+So much food, and so little time!
+%
+So much
+depends
+upon
+a red
+
+wheel
+barrow
+glazed with
+
+rain
+water
+beside
+the white
+chickens.
+ -- William Carlos Williams, "The Red Wheel Barrow"
+%
+So now
+that you have-
+
+you know, whoever
+
+you're trying
+to do
+
+a favor
+for
+
+-you've done it-
+
+and I'm sure
+you had
+
+a smirk
+on your mouth
+
+as you got me
+into this.
+ -- "To Linda", from The Poetry Of H. Ross Perot,
+ composed for Linda Wertheimer of National Public Radio.
+ From SPY Magazine, November 1992
+%
+So she went into the garden to cut a cabbage leaf to make an apple pie;
+and at the same time a great she-bear, coming up the street pops its head
+into the shop. "What! no soap?" So he died, and she very imprudently
+married the barber; and there were present the Picninnies, and the Grand
+Panjandrum himself, with the little round button at top, and they all
+fell to playing the game of catch as catch can, till the gunpowder ran
+out at the heels of their boots.
+ -- Samuel Foote
+%
+So so is good, very good, very excellent good:
+and yet it is not; it is but so so.
+ -- William Shakespeare, "As You Like It"
+%
+So... so you think you can tell
+Heaven from Hell?
+Blue skies from pain? Did they get you to trade
+Can you tell a green field Your heroes for ghosts?
+From a cold steel rail? Hot ashes for trees?
+A smile from a veil? Hot air for a cool breeze?
+Do you think you can tell? Cold comfort for change?
+ Did you exchange
+ A walk on part in a war
+ For the lead role in a cage?
+ -- Pink Floyd, "Wish You Were Here"
+%
+So the documentary-makers stick with sharks. Generally, their procedure is
+to scatter bleeding fish pieces around their boat, so as to infest the
+waters. I would estimate that the primary food source of sharks today is
+bleeding fish pieces scattered by people making documentaries. Once the
+sharks arrive, they are generally fairly listless. The general shark attitude
+seems to be: "Oh God, another documentary." So the divers have to somehow
+goad them into attacking, under the guise of Scientific Research. "We know
+very little about the effect of electricity on sharks," the narrator will
+say, in a deeply scientific voice. "That is why Todd is going to jab this
+Great White in the testicles with a cattle prod." The divers keep this kind
+of thing up until the shark finally gets irritated and snaps at them, and
+then they act as though this was a totally unexpected and very dangerous
+development, although clearly it is what they wanted all along.
+ -- Dave Barry
+%
+So this it it. We're going to die.
+%
+So, what's with this guy Gideon, anyway?
+And why can't he ever remember his Bible?
+%
+So, you better watch out!
+You better not cry!
+You better not pout!
+I'm telling you why,
+Santa Claus is coming, to town.
+
+He knows when you've been sleeping,
+He know when you're awake.
+He knows if you've been bad or good,
+He has ties with the CIA.
+So...
+%
+"So you don't have to, Cindy, but I was wondering if you might
+ want to go to someplace, you know, with me, sometime."
+"Well, I can think of a lot of worse things, David."
+"Friday, then?"
+"Why not, David, it might even be fun."
+ -- Dating in Minnesota
+%
+So you see Antonio, why worry about one little core dump, eh? In reality
+all core dumps happen at the same instant, so the core dump you will have
+tomorrow, why, it already happened. You see, it's just a little universal
+recursive joke which threads our lives through the infinite potential of
+the instant. So go to sleep, Antonio, your thread could break any moment
+and cast you out of the safe security of the instant into the dark void of
+eternity, the anti-time. So go to sleep...
+%
+So you think that money is the root of all evil.
+Have you ever asked what is the root of money?
+ -- Ayn Rand
+%
+So you're back... about time...
+%
+Soap and education are not as sudden as a
+massacre, but they are more deadly in the long run.
+ -- Mark Twain
+%
+SOCIALISM:
+ You have two cows. Give one to your neighbour.
+COMMUNISM:
+ You have two cows.
+ Give both to the government. The government gives you milk.
+CAPITALISM:
+ You sell one cow and buy a bull.
+FACISM:
+ You have two cows. Give milk to the government.
+ The government sells it.
+NAZISM:
+ The government shoots you and takes the cows.
+NEW DEALISM:
+ The government shoots one cow,
+ milks the other, and pours the milk down the sink.
+ANARCHISM:
+ Keep the cows. Steal another one. Shoot the government.
+CONSERVATISM:
+ Freeze the milk. Embalm the cows.
+%
+Software production is assumed to be a line function, but it is run
+like a staff function."
+ -- Paul Licker
+%
+Software suppliers are trying to make their software packages more
+"user-friendly". ... Their best approach, so far, has been to take all
+the old brochures, and stamp the words, "user-friendly" on the cover.
+ -- Bill Gates, Microsoft, Inc.
+%
+Soldiers who wish to be a hero
+Are practically zero,
+But those who wish to be civilians,
+They run into the millions.
+%
+Solipsists of the World... you are already united.
+ -- Kayvan Sylvan
+%
+Solutions are obvious if one only has the
+optical power to observe them over the horizon.
+ -- K.A. Arsdall
+%
+Some books are to be tasted, others to be swallowed,
+and some few to be chewed and digested.
+ -- Francis Bacon
+ [As anyone who has ever owned a puppy already knows. Ed.]
+%
+Some changes are so slow, you don't notice them.
+Others are so fast, they don't notice you.
+%
+Some circumstantial evidence is very strong,
+as when you find a trout in the milk.
+ -- Thoreau
+%
+Some husbands are living proof that a woman can take a joke.
+%
+Some marriages are made in heaven -- but so are thunder and lightning.
+%
+Some men are alive simply because it is against the law to kill them.
+ -- Ed Howe
+%
+Some men are all right in their place -- if they only the knew the right
+places!
+ -- Mae West
+%
+Some men are born mediocre, some men achieve mediocrity,
+and some men have mediocrity thrust upon them.
+ -- Joseph Heller, "Catch-22"
+%
+Some men are discovered; others are found out.
+%
+Some men are heterosexual, and some are bisexual, and some men don't think
+about sex at all... they become lawyers.
+ -- Woody Allen
+%
+Some men are so interested in their wives continued happiness
+that they hire detectives to find out the reason for it.
+%
+Some men are so macho they'll get you pregnant just to kill a rabbit.
+ -- Maureen Murphy
+%
+Some men feel that the only thing they owe
+the woman who marries them is a grudge.
+ -- Helen Rowland
+%
+Some men love truth so much that they seem to be in continual fear
+lest she should catch a cold on overexposure.
+ -- Samuel Butler
+%
+Some men rob you with a six-gun -- others with a fountain pen.
+ -- Woodie Guthrie
+%
+Some men who fear that they are playing
+second fiddle aren't in the band at all.
+%
+Some of my readers ask me what a "Serial Port" is.
+The answer is: I don't know.
+Is it some kind of wine you have with breakfast?
+%
+Some of the most interesting documents from Sweden's middle ages are the
+old county laws (well, we never had counties but it's the nearest equivalent
+I can find for "landskap"). These laws were written down sometime in the
+13th century, but date back even down into Viking times. The oldest one is
+the Vastgota law which clearly has pagan influences, thinly covered with some
+Christian stuff. In this law, we find a page about "lekare", which is the
+Old Norse word for a performing artist, actor/jester/musician etc. Here is
+an approximate translation, where I have written "artist" as equivalent of
+"lekare".
+ "If an artist is beaten, none shall pay fines for it. If an artist
+ is wounded, one such who goes with hurdie-gurdie or travels with
+ fiddle or drum, then the people shall take a wild heifer and bring
+ it out on the hillside. Then they shall shave off all hair from the
+ heifer's tail, and grease the tail. Then the artist shall be given
+ newly greased shoes. Then he shall take hold of the heifer's tail,
+ and a man shall strike it with a sharp whip. If he can hold her, he
+ shall have the animal. If he cannot hold her, he shall endure what
+ he received, shame and wounds."
+%
+Some of the things that live the longest
+in peoples' memories never really happened.
+%
+Some of them want to use you,
+Some of them want to be used by you,
+...Everybody's looking for something.
+ -- Eurythmics
+%
+Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry.
+ -- Gloria Steinem
+%
+Some parts of the past must be preserved,
+and some of the future prevented at all costs.
+%
+Some people are afraid of heights. I'm afraid of widths.
+ -- Stephen Wright
+%
+Some people around here wouldn't recognize
+subtlety if it hit them on the head.
+%
+Some people call them "cars" or "trucks"; I call them "dimensional
+transmogrifiers" because they change three-dimensional cats into
+two-dimensional ones.
+ -- F. Frederick Skitty
+%
+Some people carve careers, others chisel them.
+%
+Some people cause happiness wherever
+they go; others, whenever they go.
+%
+Some people claim that the UNIX learning curve is steep,
+but at least you only have to climb it once.
+%
+Some people have a great ambition: to build something
+that will last, at least until they've finished building it.
+%
+Some people have a way about them that seems to say: "If I have
+only one life to live, let me live it as a jerk."
+%
+Some people have no respect for age unless it's bottled.
+%
+Some people have parts that are so private
+they themselves have no knowledge of them.
+%
+Some people live life in the fast lane.
+You're in oncoming traffic.
+%
+Some people manage by the book, even though they
+don't know who wrote the book or even what book.
+%
+Some people need a good imaginary cure
+for their painful imaginary ailment.
+%
+Some people only open up to tell you that they're closed.
+%
+Some people pray for more than they are willing to work for.
+%
+Some people say a front-engine car handles best. Some people say a
+rear-engine car handles best. I say a rented car handles best.
+ -- P.J. O'Rourke
+%
+Some peoples mouths work faster than their brains.
+They say things they haven't even thought of yet.
+%
+Some rise by sin and some by virtue fall.
+%
+Some say the world will end in fire,
+Some say in ice.
+From what I've tasted of desire
+I hold with those who favor fire.
+But if it had to perish twice
+I think I know enough of hate
+To say that for destruction, ice
+Is also great
+And would suffice
+ -- Robert Frost, "Fire and Ice"
+%
+Some scholars are like donkeys, they merely carry a lot of books.
+ -- Folk saying
+%
+Some things have to be believed to be seen.
+%
+Somebody left the cork out of my lunch.
+ -- W.C. Fields
+%
+Somebody ought to cross ball point pens with coat hangers
+so that the pens will multiply instead of disappear.
+%
+Somebody's moggy, by the side of the road,
+Somebody's pussy, who forgot his highway code,
+Somebody's favourite feline, who ran clean out of luck,
+When he ran onto the road, and tried to argue with a truck.
+
+Yesterday he purred and played, in his pussy paradise,
+Decapitating tweety birds, and masticating mice.
+Now he's just six pounds of raw mince meat,
+That don't smell very nice --
+He's nobody's moggy now.
+
+Oh you who love your pussy,
+Be sure to keep him in.
+Don't let him argue with a truck, If he tries to play
+The truck is bound to win. On the road way
+And upon the busy road, I'm afraid that will be that,
+Don't let him play or frolic. There will be one last despairing
+If you do, I'm warning you, "Meow!"
+It could be cat-astrophic! And a sort of squelchy Splat!
+ And your pussy will be slightly dead,
+He's nobody's moggy -- And very, very flat!
+Just red and squashed and soggy --
+He's nobody's moggy now.
+ -- Eric Bogle, "Scraps of Paper"
+%
+Somebody's terminal is dropping bits.
+I found a pile of them over in the corner.
+%
+Someday somebody has got to decide whether the
+typewriter is the machine, or the person who operates it.
+%
+Someday, Weederman, we'll look back on all this and laugh... It will
+probably be one of those deep, eerie ones that slowly builds to a
+blood-curdling maniacal scream... but still it will be a laugh.
+ -- Mister Boffo
+%
+Someday we'll look back on this moment and plow into a parked car.
+ -- Evan Davis
+%
+Someday you'll get your big chance -- or have you already had it?
+%
+Someday your prints will come.
+ -- Kodak
+%
+Somehow I reached excess without ever noticing
+when I was passing through satisfaction.
+ -- Ashleigh Brilliant
+%
+Somehow, the world always affects you more than you affect it.
+%
+Someone did a study of the three most-often-heard phrases in New York
+City. One is "Hey, taxi." Two is, "What train do I take to get to
+Bloomingdale's?" And three is, "Don't worry. It's just a flesh wound."
+ -- David Letterman
+%
+Someone is speaking well of you.
+%
+Someone is speaking well of you.
+How unusual!
+%
+Someone is unenthusiastic about your work.
+%
+Someone whom you reject today, will reject you tomorrow.
+%
+Someone will try to honk your nose today.
+%
+Something better...
+
+ 1 (obvious): Excuse me. Is that your nose or did a bus park on your face?
+ 2 (meteorological): Everybody take cover. She's going to blow.
+ 3 (fashionable): You know, you could de-emphasize your nose if you wore
+ something larger. Like ... Wyoming.
+ 4 (personal): Well, here we are. Just the three of us.
+ 5 (punctual): Alright gentlemen. Your nose was on time but you were fifteen
+ minutes late.
+ 6 (envious): Oooo, I wish I were you. Gosh. To be able to smell your
+ own ear.
+ 7 (naughty): Pardon me, Sir. Some of the ladies have asked if you wouldn't
+ mind putting that thing away.
+ 8 (philosophical): You know. It's not the size of a nose that's important.
+ It's what's in it that matters.
+ 9 (humorous): Laugh and the world laughs with you. Sneeze and its goodbye
+ Seattle.
+10 (commercial): Hi, I'm Earl Schibe and I can paint that nose for $39.95.
+11 (polite): Ah. Would you mind not bobbing your head. The orchestra keeps
+ changing tempo.
+12 (melodic): Everybody! "He's got the whole world in his nose."
+ -- Steve Martin, "Roxanne"
+%
+Something unpleasant is coming when men are anxious to tell the truth.
+ -- Benjamin Disraeli
+%
+Something's rotten in the state of Denmark.
+ -- Shakespeare
+%
+Sometime when you least expect it, Love will tap you on the shoulder...
+and ask you to move out of the way because it still isn't your turn.
+ -- N.V. Plyter
+%
+Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.
+ -- Sigmund Freud
+%
+Sometimes a man who deserves to be looked down upon because he is a
+fool is despised only because he is a lawyer.
+ -- Montesquieu
+%
+Sometimes, at the end of the day, when I'm
+smiling and shaking their hands, I want to kick them.
+ -- Richard M. Nixon
+%
+Sometimes even to live is an act of courage.
+ -- Seneca
+%
+Sometimes I feel like I'm fading away,
+Looking at me, I got nothin' to say.
+Don't make me angry with the things games that you play,
+Either light up or leave me alone.
+%
+Sometimes I get the feeling that I went to a party on Perry Lane in 1962, and
+the party spilled out of the house, and came down the street, and covered the
+world.
+ -- Robert Stone
+%
+Sometimes I live in the country,
+And sometimes I live in town.
+And sometimes I have a great notion,
+To jump in the river and drown.
+%
+Sometimes I simply feel that the whole
+world is a cigarette and I'm the only ashtray.
+%
+Sometimes I wonder if I'm in my right mind.
+Then it passes off and I'm as intelligent as ever.
+ -- Samuel Beckett, "Endgame"
+%
+Sometimes I worry about being a success in a mediocre world.
+ -- Lily Tomlin
+%
+Sometimes it happens. People just explode. Natural causes.
+ -- Repo Man
+%
+Sometimes love ain't nothing but a misunderstanding between two fools.
+%
+SOMETIMES THE BEAUTY OF THE WORLD is so overwhelming, I just want to throw
+back my head and gargle. Just gargle and gargle and I don't care who hears
+me because I am beautiful.
+ -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
+%
+Sometimes the best medicine is to stop taking something.
+%
+Sometimes the light is all shining on me,
+Other times I can hardly see.
+Lately it occurs to me
+What a long strange trip it's been.
+ -- The Grateful Dead, "American Beauty"
+%
+Sometimes, too long is too long.
+ -- Joe Crowe
+%
+Sometimes when I get up in the morning, I feel very peculiar. I feel
+like I've just got to bite a cat! I feel like if I don't bite a cat
+before sundown, I'll go crazy! But then I just take a deep breath and
+forget about it. That's what is known as real maturity.
+ -- Snoopy
+%
+Sometimes, when I think of what that girl means
+to me, it's all I can do to keep from telling her.
+ -- Andy Capp
+%
+Sometimes when you look into his eyes you get the feeling that someone
+else is driving.
+ -- David Letterman
+%
+Sometimes you get an almost irresistible urge to go on living.
+%
+Somewhere, just out of sight, the unicorns are gathering.
+%
+Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, there is a
+woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped.
+ -- Sam Levenson
+%
+Somewhere, something incredible is waiting to be known.
+ -- Carl Sagan
+%
+Son, someday a man is going to walk up to you with a deck of cards on which
+the seal is not yet broken. And he is going to offer to bet you that he can
+make the Ace of Spades jump out of the deck and squirt cider in your ears.
+But son, do not bet this man, for you will end up with a ear full of cider.
+ -- Sky Masterson's Father
+%
+Sooner or later you must pay for your sins.
+(Those who have already paid may disregard this cookie).
+%
+Sorry. Nice try.
+%
+Sorry never means having you're say to love.
+%
+Space is big. You just won't believe how vastly, hugely, mind-bogglingly
+big it is. I mean, you may think it's a long way down the road to the
+drug store, but that's just peanuts to space.
+ -- The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
+%
+Space is to place as eternity is to time.
+ -- Joseph Joubert
+%
+Space tells matter how to move and matter tells space how to curve.
+ -- Wheeler
+%
+Space: the final frontier. These are the voyages of the starship Enterprise.
+Its five-year mission: to explore strange new worlds; to seek out new life
+and new civilizations; to boldly go where no man has gone before.
+ -- Captain James T. Kirk
+%
+SPAGMUMPS:
+ Any of the millions of Styrofoam wads that accompany mail-order items.
+ -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
+%
+Speak roughly to your little boy,
+ And beat him when he sneezes:
+He only does it to annoy
+ Because he knows it teases.
+
+ Wow! wow! wow!
+
+I speak severely to my boy,
+ And beat him when he sneezes:
+For he can thoroughly enjoy
+ The pepper when he pleases!
+
+ Wow! wow! wow!
+%
+Speak roughly to your little Vax,
+And boot it when it crashes;
+It knows that one cannot relax
+Because the paging thrashes!
+
+I speak severely to my Vax,
+And boot it when it crashes;
+In spite of all my favorite hacks,
+My jobs it always trashes!
+%
+Speak softly and carry a +6 two-handed sword.
+%
+"Speak, thou vast and venerable head," muttered Ahab, "which, though
+ungarnished with a beard, yet here and there lookest hoary with mosses; speak,
+mighty head, and tell us the secret thing that is in thee. Of all divers,
+thou has dived the deepest. That head upon which the upper sun now gleams has
+moved amid the world's foundations. Where unrecorded names and navies rust,
+and untold hopes and anchors rot; where in her murderous hold this frigate
+earth is ballasted with bones of millions of the drowned; there, in that awful
+water-land, there was thy most familiar home. Thou hast been where bell or
+diver never went; has slept by many a sailer's side, where sleepless mothers
+would give their lives to lay them down. Thou saw'st the locked lovers when
+leaping from their flaming ship; heart to heart they sank beneath the exulting
+wave; true to each other, when heaven seemed false to them. Thou saw'st the
+murdered mate when tossed by pirates from the midnight deck; for hours he fell
+into the deeper midnight of the insatiate maw; and his murderers still sailed
+on unharmed -- while swift lightnings shivered the neighboring ship that would
+have borne a righteous husband to outstretched, longing arms. O head! thou has
+seen enough to split the planets and make an infidel of Abraham, and not one
+syllable is thine!"
+ -- H. Melville, "Moby Dick"
+%
+Speaking as someone who has delved into the intricacies of PL/I, I am sure
+that only Real Men could have written such a machine-hogging, cycle-grabbing,
+all-encompassing monster. Allocate an array and free the middle third?
+Sure! Why not? Multiply a character string times a bit string and assign the
+result to a float decimal? Go ahead! Free a controlled variable procedure
+parameter and reallocate it before passing it back? Overlay three different
+types of variable on the same memory location? Anything you say! Write a
+recursive macro? Well, no, but Real Men use rescan. How could a language
+so obviously designed and written by Real Men not be intended for Real Man use?
+%
+Speaking of love, one problem that recurs more and more frequently these
+days, in books and plays and movies, is the inability of people to communicate
+with the people they love; Husbands and wives who can't communicate, children
+who can't communicate with their parents, and so on. And the characters in
+these books and plays and so on (and in real life, I might add) spend hours
+bemoaning the fact that they can't communicate. I feel that if a person can't
+communicate, the very least he can do is to shut up!
+ -- Tom Lehrer, "That Was the Year that Was"
+%
+Speaking of purchasing a dog, never buy a watchdog that's
+on sale. After all, everyone knows a bargain dog never bites!
+%
+Special tonight, the best toot in town at prices you won't believe!!
+Also, the finest dope, brought all the way from Columbia by spirited
+young adventurers. All available tonight, as usual, in the graduate
+students bullpen from 11: pm on, usual terms and conditions.
+Faculty members especially welcome.
+%
+Speed upon county roads will be limited to ten miles an hour unless the
+motorist sees a bailiff who does not appear to have had a drink in 30 days,
+when the driver will be permitted to make what he can.
+ -- Proposed legislation, Illinois State Legislature, May, 1907
+%
+Spence's Admonition:
+ Never stow away on a kamikaze plane.
+%
+Spend extra time on hobby. Get plenty of rolling papers.
+%
+SPINSTER:
+ A bachelor's wife.
+%
+SPIRTLE:
+ The fine stream from a grapefruit that always lands
+ right in your eye.
+ -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
+%
+Spock: The odds of surviving another
+attack are 13562190123 to 1, Captain.
+%
+Spock: We suffered 23 casualties in that attack, Captain.
+%
+SPOUSE:
+ Someone who'll stand by you through all the
+ trouble you wouldn't have had if you'd stayed single.
+%
+Spring is here, spring is here,
+Life is skittles and life is beer.
+%
+SQUATCHO:
+ The button at the top of a baseball cap.
+ -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
+%
+Squirrels eating squirrels, my God, that's sick.
+%
+St. Patrick was a gentleman
+who through strategy and stealth
+drove all the snakes from Ireland.
+Here's a toasting to his health --
+but not too many toastings
+lest you lose yourself and then
+forget the good St. Patrick
+and see all those snakes again.
+%
+Stability itself is nothing else than a more sluggish motion.
+%
+Staff meeting in the conference room in 3 minutes.
+%
+Stalin was dying, and summoned Khruschev to his bedside. Wheezing his last
+words with difficulty, Stalin tells Khruschev, "The reins of the country are
+now in your hands. But before I go, I want to give you some advice."
+ "Yes, yes, what is it?" says Khruschev, impatiently. Reaching under
+his pillow, Stalin produced two envelopes labeled #1 and #2.
+ "Take these letters," he tells Khruschev. "Keep them safely -- don't
+open them. Only if the country is in turmoil and things aren't going well,
+open the first one. That'll give you some advice on what to do. And, if
+after that, if things start getting REALLY bad, open the second one." And
+with a gasp Stalin breathed his last.
+ Well, within a few years Khruschev started having problems --
+unemployment increased, crops failed, people became restless. He decided it
+was time to open the first letter. All it said was: "Blame everything on me!"
+So Khruschev launched a massive deStalinization campaign, and blamed Stalin
+for all the excesses and purges and ills of the present system.
+ But things continued on the downslide, and, finally, after much
+deliberation, Khruschev opened the second letter.
+ All it said was: "Write two letters."
+%
+Stamp out organized crime!! Abolish the IRS.
+%
+Stamp out philately.
+%
+STANDARDS:
+ The principles we use to reject other people's code.
+%
+Standards are different for all things, so the standard set by man is by
+no means the only 'certain' standard. If you mistake what is relative for
+something certain, you have strayed far from the ultimate truth.
+ -- Chuang Tzu
+%
+Standing on head makes smile of frown, but rest of face also upside down.
+%
+Stanford women are responsible for the success of many Stanford men:
+they give them "just one more reason" to stay in and study every night.
+%
+Star Wars is adolescent nonsense; Close Encounters is obscurantist drivel;
+Star Trek can turn your brains to puree of bat guano; and the greatest
+science fiction series of all time is Doctor Who! And I'll take you all
+on, one-by-one or all in a bunch to back it up!
+ -- Harlan Ellison
+%
+Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
+ -- W.C. Fields
+%
+Start the day with a smile.
+After that you can be your nasty old self again.
+%
+State license plates we'd like to see:
+
+ NEVADA MASSACHUSETTS
+ LVME 10DR OW-A CAH
+LAND OF 10,00 ELVIS IMPERSONATORS THE GOOFY ACCENT STATE
+
+ HAWAII WISCONSIN
+ L-O HA CHEDDAR
+FRUITY UMBRELLA COCKTAIL WONDERLAND EAT CHEESE OR DIE
+%
+State license plates we'd like to see:
+
+ ALABAMA ARIZONA
+ IC1 NOW 120 F
+THE UFO SIGHTING STATE THE HEAT PROSTRATION STATE
+
+ CONNECTICUT MISSISSIPPI
+ 5:36 EXP 4I4S2PS
+WHERE THE SMART NY WORK FORCE LIVES THE MOST OFTEN MISSPELLED STATE
+
+ TEXAS FLORIDA
+ 1-2-3 HIKE ZON KED
+ PLAY FOOTBALL OR DIE AMERICA'S DRUG DEALER
+%
+State license plates we'd like to see:
+
+ MICHIGAN CALIFORNIA
+ 4-GET 74-77 EGO-MN-E-X
+EMBARRASSED HOME STATE OF GERALD FORD THE SERIAL KILLER STATE
+
+ NORTH CAROLINA NEW JERSEY
+ WL-GOLLY ARG GGH
+HOME OF GOMER, GOOBER AND JESSE HELMS FIRST IN TOXIC WASTE
+
+ KANSAS WASHINGTON DC
+ TOTO -2 $10000000 ETC
+THE NOT MUCH SINCE THE WIZARD OF OZ WASTING YOUR MONEY SINCE 1810
+ MOVIE STATE
+%
+STATISTICS:
+ A system for expressing your political
+ prejudices in convincing scientific guise.
+%
+Statistics are no substitute for judgement.
+ -- Henry Clay
+%
+Statistics means never having to say you're certain.
+%
+Stay away from flying saucers today.
+%
+Stay away from hurricanes for a while.
+%
+Stay the curse.
+%
+Stay together, drag each other down.
+%
+Stayed in bed all morning just to pass the time,
+There's something wrong here, there can be no more denying,
+One of us is changing, or maybe we just stopped trying,
+
+And it's too late, baby, now, it's too late,
+Though we really did try to make it,
+Something inside has died and I can't hide and I just can't fake it...
+
+It used to be so easy living here with you,
+You were light and breezy and I knew just what to do
+Now you look so unhappy and I feel like a fool.
+
+There'll be good times again for me and you,
+But we just can't stay together, don't you feel it too?
+But I'm glad for what we had and that I once loved you...
+
+But it's too late baby...
+It's too late, now darling, it's too late...
+ -- Carol King, "Tapestry"
+%
+Steady movement is more important than speed, much of the time. So
+long as there is a regular progression of stimuli to get your mental
+hooks into, there is room for lateral movement. Once this begins,
+its rate is a matter of discretion.
+ -- Corwin, "Prince of Amber"
+%
+Stealing a rhinoceros should not be attempted lightly.
+%
+Steckel's Rule to Success:
+ Good enough is never good enough.
+%
+Steele's Plagiarism of Somebody's Philosophy:
+ Everybody should believe in something --
+ I believe I'll have another drink.
+%
+Stellar rays prove fibbing never pays.
+Embezzlement is another matter.
+%
+Stenderup's Law:
+ The sooner you fall behind, the more time you will have to catch up.
+%
+Step back, unbelievers!
+Or the rain will never come.
+Somebody keep the fire burning, someone come and beat the drum.
+You may think I'm crazy, you may think that I'm insane,
+But I swear to you, before this day is out,
+ you folks are gonna see some rain!
+%
+Still a few bugs in the system... Someday I have to tell you about Uncle
+Nahum from Maine, who spent years trying to cross a jellyfish with a shad
+so he could breed boneless shad. His experiment backfired too, and he
+wound up with bony jellyfish... which was hardly worth the trouble. There's
+very little call for those up there.
+ -- Allucquere R. "Sandy" Stone
+%
+Still looking for the glorious results of my misspent youth.
+Say, do you have a map to the next joint?
+%
+Stinginess with privileges is kindness in disguise.
+ -- Guide to VAX/VMS Security, Sep. 1984
+%
+Stock's Observation:
+ You no sooner get your head above water
+ but what someone pulls your flippers off.
+%
+Stone's Law:
+ One man's "simple" is another man's "huh?"
+%
+Stop! There was first a game of blindman's buff. Of course there was.
+And I no more believe Topper was really blind than I believe he had eyes
+in his boots. My opinion is, that it was a done thing between him and
+Scrooge's nephew; and that the Ghost of Christmas Present knew it. The
+way he went after that plump sister in the lace tucker, was an outrage
+on the credulity of human nature.
+%
+Stop me, before I kill again!
+%
+Stop searching. Happiness is right next to you.
+%
+Stop searching. Happiness is right next to you.
+Now, if they'd only take a bath...
+%
+Stop searching forever. Happiness is just next to you.
+%
+Stop searching forever. Happiness is unattainable.
+%
+Strange things are done to be number one
+In selling the computer The Druids were entrepreneurs,
+IBM has their strategem And they built a granite box
+Which steadily grows acuter, It tracked the moon, warned of monsoons,
+And Honeywell competes like Hell, And forecast the equinox
+But the story's missing link Their price was right, their future
+Is the system old at Stonemenge sold bright,
+By the firm of Druids, Inc. The prototype was sold;
+ From Stonehenge site their bits and byte
+ Would ship for Celtic gold.
+The movers came to crate the frame;
+It weighed a million ton!
+The traffic folk thought it a joke The man spoke true, and thus to you
+(the wagon wheels just spun); A warning from the ages;
+"They'll nay sell that," the foreman Your stock will slip if you can't ship
+ spat, What's in your brochure's pages.
+"Just leave the wild weeds grow; See if it sells without the bells
+"It's Druid-kind, over-designed, And strings that ring and quiver;
+"And belly up they'll go." Druid repute went down the chute
+ Because they couldn't deliver.
+ -- Edward C. McManus, "The Computer at Stonehenge"
+%
+STRATEGY:
+ A comprehensive plan of inaction.
+%
+Strategy:
+ A long-range plan whose merit cannot be evaluated until sometime
+ after those creating it have left the organization.
+%
+Straw? No, too stupid a fad. I put soot on warts.
+%
+Stress has been pinpointed as a major cause of illness. To avoid overload
+and burnout, keep stress out of your life. Give it to others instead. Learn
+the "Gaslight" treatment, the "Are you talking to me?" technique, and the
+"Do you feel okay? You look pale." approach. Start with negotiation and
+implication. Advance to manipulation and humiliation. Above all, relax
+and have a nice day.
+%
+Stuckness shouldn't be avoided. It's the psychic predecessor of all
+real understanding. An egoless acceptance of stuckness is a key to an
+understanding of all Quality, in mechanical work as in other endeavors.
+ -- R. Pirsig, "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance"
+%
+Stult's Report:
+ Our problems are mostly behind us.
+ What we have to do now is fight the solutions.
+%
+STUPID:
+ Losing $25 on the tackle and $25 on the instant replay.
+%
+Stupidity is its own reward.
+%
+Style may not be the answer, but at least it's a workable alternative.
+%
+Suaviter in modo, fortiter in re.
+Se non e vero, e ben trovato.
+%
+Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very'; your
+editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.
+ -- Mark Twain
+%
+Subtlety is the art of saying what you think and getting out of the
+way before it is understood.
+%
+Suburbia is where the developer bulldozes out the trees, then names
+the streets after them.
+ -- Bill Vaughn
+%
+Success is a journey, not a destination.
+%
+Success is getting what you want; happiness is wanting what you get.
+%
+Success is in the minds of Fools.
+ -- William Wrenshaw, 1578
+%
+Success is relative: It is what we can make of the mess we have
+made of things.
+ -- T.S. Eliot, "The Family Reunion"
+%
+Success is something I will dress for when I get there, and not until.
+%
+Success is the sole earthly judge of right and wrong.
+ -- Adolph Hitler, "Mein Kampf"
+%
+Succumb to natural tendencies. Be hateful and boring.
+%
+Such a fine first dream!
+But they laughed at me; they said
+I had made it up.
+%
+Such a foolish notion, that war is called devotion,
+when the greatest warriors are the ones who stand for peace.
+%
+Such efforts are almost always slow, laborious, political,
+petty, boring, ponderous, thankless, and of the utmost criticality.
+ -- Leonard Kleinrock, on standards efforts
+%
+Such evil deeds could religion prompt.
+ -- Titus Lucretius Carus
+%
+Sudden Death Dating:
+
+Quote, female:
+ Am I worried about taking his last name? Forget it,
+ at this point I'll take his first name, too.
+%
+Suffering alone exists, none who suffer;
+The deed there is, but no doer thereof;
+Nirvana is, but no one is seeking it;
+The Path there is, but none who travel it.
+ -- "Buddhist Symbolism", Symbols and Values
+%
+Suggest you just sit there and wait till life gets easier.
+%
+Suicide is simply a case of mistaken identity.
+%
+Suicide is the sincerest form of self-criticism.
+ -- Donald Kaul
+%
+Sum quod eris.
+%
+Sun in the night, everyone is together,
+Ascending into the heavens, life is forever.
+ -- Brand X, "Moroccan Roll/Sun in the Night"
+%
+SUN Microsystems:
+ The Network IS the Load Average.
+%
+SUNSET:
+ Pronounced atmospheric scattering of shorter wavelengths,
+ resulting in selective transmission below 650 nanometers with
+ progressively reducing solar elevation.
+%
+Superstition, idolatry, and hypocrisy
+have ample wages, but truth goes a-begging.
+ -- Martin Luther
+%
+Supervisor: Do you think you understand the basic ideas of Quantum Mechanics?
+Supervisee: Ah! Well, what do we mean by "to understand" in the context of
+ Quantum Mechanics?
+Supervisor: You mean "No", don't you?
+Supervisee: Yes.
+ -- Overheard at a supervision.
+%
+Support Bingo, keep Grandma off the streets.
+%
+Support mental health or I'LL KILL YOU!!!!
+%
+Support the American Kidney Foundation.
+Don't wear your motorcycle helmet.
+%
+Support the Girl Scouts!
+ (Today's Brownie is tomorrow's Cookie!)
+%
+Support the right of unborn males to bear arms!
+ -- A public service announcement from Phyllis Schlafly,
+ the Catholic Church, and the National Rifle Association
+%
+Support your local church or synagogue.
+Worship at Bank of America.
+%
+Support your right to arm bears!!
+%
+Support your right to bare arms!
+ -- A message from the National Short-Sleeved Shirt Association
+%
+Suppose for a moment that the automobile industry had developed at the same
+rate as computers and over the same period: how much cheaper and more
+efficient would the current models be? If you have not already heard the
+analogy, the answer is shattering. Today you would be able to buy a
+Rolls-Royce for $2.75, it would do three million miles to the gallon, and
+it would deliver enough power to drive the Queen Elizabeth II. And if you
+were interested in miniaturization, you could place half a dozen of them on
+a pinhead.
+ -- Christopher Evans
+%
+Sure, Reagan has promised to take senility tests.
+But what if he forgets?
+%
+Sure there are dishonest men in local government. But there are dishonest
+men in national government too.
+ -- Richard M. Nixon
+%
+Sure there are dishonest men in local government. But there are
+dishonest men in national government too.
+ -- Richard Nixon
+%
+"Surely you can't be serious."
+"I am serious, and don't call me Shirley."
+%
+Surly to bed, surly to rise, makes you about average.
+%
+Surprise! You are the lucky winner of random I.R.S Audit!
+Just type in your name and social security number.
+Please remember that leaving the room is punishable under law:
+
+Name #
+
+
+%
+Surprise due today. Also the rent.
+%
+Surprise your boss. Get to work on time.
+%
+sushi, n:
+ When that-which-may-still-be-alive is put on top of rice and
+ strapped on with electrical tape.
+%
+Sushido, n:
+ The way of the tuna.
+%
+Suspicion always haunts the guilty mind.
+ -- Wm. Shakespeare
+%
+Swap read error. You lose your mind.
+%
+SWEATER:
+ A garment worn by a child when their mother feels chilly.
+%
+Sweet April showers do spring May flowers.
+ -- Thomas Tusser
+%
+Sweet sixteen is beautiful Bess,
+And her voice is changing -- from "No" to "Yes".
+%
+Swerve me? The path to my fixed purpose is laid with iron rails,
+whereon my soul is grooved to run. Over unsounded gorges, through
+the rifled hearts of mountains, under torrents' beds, unerringly
+I rush!
+ -- Captain Ahab, "Moby Dick"
+%
+Swipple's Rule of Order:
+ He who shouts the loudest has the floor.
+%
+Symptom: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction, beer is
+ unusually pale and clear.
+Problem: Glass empty.
+Action Required: Find someone who will buy you another beer.
+
+Symptom: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction,
+ and the front of your shirt is wet.
+Fault: Mouth not open when drinking or glass applied to
+ wrong part of face.
+Action Required: Buy another beer and practice in front of mirror.
+ Drink as many as needed to perfect drinking technique.
+
+ -- Bar Troubleshooting
+%
+Symptom: Everything has gone dark.
+Fault: The Bar is closing.
+Action Required: Panic.
+
+Symptom: You awaken to find your bed hard, cold and wet.
+ You cannot see the bathroom light.
+Fault: You have spent the night in the gutter.
+Action Required: Check your watch to see if bars are open yet. If not,
+ treat yourself to a lie-in.
+
+ -- Bar Troubleshooting
+%
+Symptom: Feet cold and wet, glass empty.
+Fault: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
+Action Required: Turn glass other way up so that open end points
+ toward ceiling.
+
+Symptom: Feet warm and wet.
+Fault: Improper bladder control.
+Action Required: Go stand next to nearest dog. After a while complain
+ to the owner about its lack of house training and
+ demand a beer as compensation.
+
+ -- Bar Troubleshooting
+%
+Symptom: Floor blurred.
+Fault: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
+Action Required: Find someone who will buy you another beer.
+
+Symptom: Floor moving.
+Fault: You are being carried out.
+Action Required: Find out if you are taken to another bar. If not,
+ complain loudly that you are being kidnapped.
+
+ -- Bar Troubleshooting
+%
+Symptom: Floor swaying.
+Fault: Excessive air turbulence, perhaps due to air-hockey
+ game in progress.
+Action Required: Insert broom handle down back of jacket.
+
+Symptom: Everything has gone dim, strange taste of peanuts
+ and pretzels or cigarette butts in mouth.
+Fault: You have fallen forward.
+Action Required: See above.
+
+Symptom: Opposite wall covered with acoustic tile and several
+ flourescent light strips.
+Fault: You have fallen over backward.
+Action Required: If your glass is full and no one is standing on your
+ drinking arm, stay put. If not, get someone to help
+ you get up, lash yourself to bar.
+
+ -- Bar Troubleshooting
+%
+Syntactic sugar causes cancer of the semicolon.
+ -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
+%
+System checkpoint complete.
+%
+System going down at 1:45 this afternoon for disk crashing.
+%
+System going down at 5 this afternoon to install scheduler bug.
+%
+System going down in 5 minutes.
+%
+System restarting, wait...
+%
+System/3! System/3!
+See how it runs! See how it runs!
+ Its monitor loses so totally!
+ It runs all its programs in RPG!
+ It's made by our favorite monopoly!
+System/3!
+%
+SYSTEM-INDEPENDENT:
+ Works equally poorly on all systems.
+%
+Systems have sub-systems and sub-systems have sub-systems and so on ad
+infinitum -- which is why we're always starting over.
+ -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
+%
+Systems programmer:
+ A person in sandals who has been in the elevator with the senior
+ vice president and is ultimately responsible for a phone call you
+ are to receive from your boss.
+%
+Systems programmers are the high priests of a low cult.
+ -- R.S. Barton
+%
+T: One big monster, he called TROLL.
+ He don't rock, and he don't roll;
+ Drink no wine, and smoke no stogies.
+ He just Love To Eat Them Roguies.
+ -- The Roguelet's ABC
+%
+TACKY:
+ Serving grape kool-aid at religious functions.
+%
+TACT:
+ The unsaid part of what you're thinking.
+%
+Tact consists in knowing how far to go in going too far.
+ -- Jean Cocteau
+%
+Tact in audacity is knowing how far you can go without going too far.
+ -- Jean Cocteau
+%
+Tact is the ability to tell a man he has
+an open mind when he has a hole in his head.
+%
+Tact is the art of making a point without making an enemy.
+%
+Take a lesson from the whale; the only time
+he gets speared is when he raises to spout.
+%
+Take an astronaut to launch.
+%
+Take care of the luxuries and the
+necessities will take care of themselves.
+ -- L. Long
+%
+Take Care of the Molehills, and the Mountains Will Take Care of Themselves.
+ -- Motto of the Federal Civil Service
+%
+Take everything in stride.
+Trample anyone who gets in your way.
+%
+TAKE FORCEFUL ACTION:
+ Do something that should have been done a long time ago.
+%
+Take it easy, we're in a hurry.
+%
+Take me drunk,
+I'm home again!
+%
+Take my word for it, the silliest woman can manage a clever man,
+but it needs a very clever woman to manage a fool.
+ -- Kipling
+%
+Take time to reflect on all the things you have, not as a result of your
+merit or hard work or because God or chance or the efforts of other people
+have given them to you.
+%
+Take what you can use and let the rest go by.
+ -- Ken Kesey
+%
+Take your dying with some seriousness, however.
+Laughing on the way to your execution is not generally understood
+by less-advanced life-forms, and they'll call you crazy.
+ -- Messiah's Handbook : Reminders for the Advanced Soul
+%
+Take your Senator to lunch this week.
+%
+Take your work seriously but never take yourself seriously; and do not
+take what happens either to yourself or your work seriously.
+ -- Booth Tarkington
+%
+Taking drugs in the 60's, I tried to reach Nirvana, but all I ever
+got were re-runs of The Mickey Mouse Club.
+ -- Rev. Jim
+%
+Talent does what it can.
+Genius does what it must.
+You do what you get paid to do.
+%
+Talk is cheap because supply always exceeds demand.
+%
+Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish.
+ -- Euripides
+%
+Talkers are no good doers.
+ -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"
+%
+Talking about music is like dancing about architecture.
+ -- Laurie Anderson
+%
+Talking much about oneself can also be a means to conceal oneself.
+ -- Friedrich Nietzsche
+%
+Tallulah Bankhead barged down the
+Nile last night as Cleopatra and sank.
+ -- John Mason Brown, drama critic
+%
+Tan me hide when I'm dead, Fred,
+Tan me hide when I'm dead.
+So we tanned his hide when he died, Clyde,
+It's hanging there on the shed.
+
+All together now...
+ Tie me kangaroo down, sport,
+ Tie me kangaroo down.
+ Tie me kangaroo down, sport,
+ Tie me kangaroo down.
+%
+Tart words make no friends; a spoonful of honey
+will catch more flies than a gallon of vinegar.
+ -- B. Franklin
+%
+TAURUS (Apr 20 - May 20)
+ You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged determination
+ and work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and bull
+ headed. You are a Communist.
+%
+TAURUS (Apr. 20 to May 20)
+ Let your self-confidence and determination shine, and people will
+ find you boorish and headstrong. Travel, promotion, and romance
+ highlighted, if you live long enough. Don't take any wooden nickels.
+%
+TAURUS (Apr.20 - May 20)
+ Take advantage of this opportunity to get a little extra sleep,
+ because you're going to miss the bus again today anyway. You will
+ decide to lose weight today, just like yesterday.
+%
+TAX OFFICE:
+ Den of inequity.
+%
+Tax reform means "Don't tax you, don't
+tax me, tax that fellow behind the tree."
+ -- Russell Long
+%
+TAXES:
+ Of life's two certainties,
+ the only one for which you can get an extension.
+%
+Taxes are not levied for the benefit of the taxed.
+%
+TCP/IP Slang Glossary, #1:
+
+Gong, n: Medieval term for privvy, or what pased for them in that era.
+Today used whimsically to describe the aftermath of a bogon attack. Think
+of our community as the Galapagos of the English language.
+
+"Vogons may read you bad poetry, but bogons make you study obsolete RFCs."
+ -- Dave Mills
+%
+Teach children to be polite and courteous in the home, and,
+when they grow up, they won't be able to edge a car onto a freeway.
+%
+Teachers have class.
+%
+TEAMWORK:
+ Having someone to blame.
+%
+Teamwork is essential -- it allows you to blame someone else.
+%
+Technicality, n. In an English court a man named Home was tried for
+slander in having accused a neighbor of murder. His exact words were:
+"Sir Thomas Holt hath taken a cleaver and stricken his cook upon the
+head, so that one side of his head fell on one shoulder and the other
+side upon the other shoulder." The defendant was acquitted by
+instruction of the court, the learned judges holding that the words did
+not charge murder, for they did not affirm the death of the cook, that
+being only an inference.
+ -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+%
+Technique?" said the programmer turning from his terminal, "What I follow
+is Tao -- beyond all technique! When I first began to program I would see
+before me the whole problem in one mass. After three years I no longer saw
+this mass. Instead, I used subroutines. But now I see nothing. My whole
+being exists in a formless void. My senses are idle. My spirit, free to
+work without plan, follows its own instinct. In short, my program writes
+itself. True, sometimes there are difficult problems. I see them coming, I
+slow down, I watch silently. Then I change a single line of code and the
+difficulties vanish like puffs of idle smoke. I then compile the program.
+I sit still and let the joy of the work fill my being. I close my eyes for
+a moment and then log off.
+%
+Technological progress has merely provided us
+with more efficient means for going backwards.
+ -- Aldous Huxley
+%
+Technology is dominated by those who manage what they do not understand.
+%
+Tehee quod she, and clapte the wyndow to.
+ -- Geoffrey Chaucer
+%
+Telephone books are like dictionaries -- if you know the answer before
+you look it up, you can eventually reaffirm what you thought you knew
+but weren't sure. But if you're searching for something you don't
+already know, your fingers could walk themselves to death.
+ -- Erma Bombeck
+%
+telephone, n.:
+ An invention of the devil which abrogates some of the advantages of
+making a disagreeable person keep his distance.
+ -- Ambrose Bierce
+%
+TELEPRESSION:
+ The deep-seated guilt which stems from knowing that you did not try
+ hard enough to look up the number on your own and instead put the
+ burden on the directory assistant.
+ -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
+%
+Television -- a medium. So called because it is neither rare nor well done.
+ -- Ernie Kovacs
+%
+Television -- the longest amateur night in history.
+ -- Robert Carson
+%
+Television has brought back murder into the home -- where it belongs.
+ -- Alfred Hitchcock
+%
+Television has proved that people will look at anything rather than
+each other.
+ -- Ann Landers
+%
+Television is a medium because anything well done is rare.
+ -- attributed to both Fred Allen and Ernie Kovacs
+%
+Television is now so desperately hungry for material
+that it is scraping the top of the barrel.
+ -- Gore Vidal
+%
+Television only proves that people will look at anything --
+rather than each other.
+%
+Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe and he'll
+believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint on it and he'll have
+to touch to be sure.
+%
+Tell me, O Octopus, I begs,
+Is those things arms, or is they legs?
+I marvel at thee, Octopus;
+If I were thou, I'd call me us.
+ -- Ogden Nash
+%
+Tell me what to think!!!
+%
+Tell me why the stars do shine,
+Tell me why the ivy twines,
+Tell me why the sky's so blue,
+And I will tell you just why I love you.
+
+ Nuclear fusion makes stars to shine,
+ Phototropism makes ivy twine,
+ Rayleigh scattering makes sky so blue,
+ Sexual hormones are why I love you.
+%
+Telling the truth to people who misunderstand you is generally
+promoting a falsehood, isn't it?
+ -- A. Hope
+%
+Tempt me with a spoon!
+%
+Tempt not a desperate man.
+ -- William Shakespeare, "Romeo and Juliet"
+%
+Ten of the meanest cons in the state pen met in the corner of the yard to
+shoot some craps. The stakes were enormous, the tension palpable.
+ When his turn came to shoot, Dutsky nervously plunked down his
+entire wad, shook the dice and rolled. A smile crossed his face as a seven
+showed up, but it quickly changed to horror as a third die slipped out of
+his sleeve and fell to the ground with the two others. No one said a word.
+Finally, Killer Lucci picked up the third die, put it in his pocket and
+handed the others to Dutsky.
+ "Roll 'em," Lucci said. "Your point is thirteen."
+%
+Ten of the meanest cons in the state pen met in the corner of the yard to
+shoot some craps. The stakes were enormous, the tension palpable.
+ When his turn came to shoot, Dutsky nervously plunked down his
+entire wad, shook the dice and rolled. A smile crossed his face as a
+seven showed up, but it quickly changed to horror as third die slipped out
+of his sleeve and fell to the ground with the two others. No one said a
+word. Finally, Killer Lucci picked up the third die, put it in his pocket
+and handed the others to Dutsky.
+ "Roll 'em," Lucci said. "Your point is thirteen."
+%
+Ten persons who speak make more noise than ten thousand who are silent.
+ -- Napoleon I
+%
+Ten years of rejection slips is nature's
+way of telling you to stop writing.
+ -- R. Geis
+%
+Terence, this is stupid stuff:
+You eat your victuals fast enough;
+There can't be much amiss, 'tis clear,
+To see the rate you drink your beer.
+But oh, good Lord, the verse you make,
+It gives a chap the belly-ache.
+The cow, the old cow, she is dead;
+It sleeps well the horned head:
+We poor lads, 'tis our turn now
+To hear such tunes as killed the cow.
+Pretty friendship 'tis to rhyme
+Your friends to death before their time.
+Moping, melancholy mad:
+Come, pipe a tune to dance to, lad.
+ -- A.E. Housman
+%
+Term, holidays, term, holidays, till we leave
+school, and then work, work, work till we die.
+ -- C.S. Lewis
+%
+Termiter's argument that God is His own grandmother generated a surprising
+amount of controversy among Church leaders, who on the one hand considered
+the argument unsupported by scripture but on the other hand were unwilling
+to risk offending God's grandmother.
+ -- Len Cool, "American Pie"
+%
+Tertullian was born in Carthage somewhere about 160 A.D. He was a pagan,
+and he abandoned himself to the lascivious life of his city until about
+his 35th year, when he became a Christian. [...] To him is ascribed the
+sublime confession: Credo quia absurdum est (I believe because it is absurd).
+This does not altogether accord with historical fact, for he merely said:
+ "And the Son of God died, which is immediately credible because it
+ is absurd. And buried he rose again, which is certain because it
+ is impossible."
+Thanks to the acuteness of his mind, he saw through the poverty of
+philosophical and Gnostic knowledge, and contemptuously rejected it.
+ -- C.G. Jung, "Psychological Types"
+ [Teruillian was one of the founders of the Catholic Church. Ed.]
+%
+Test for paraquat:
+ Take amount of grass used in one joint, and wash in 5 cc's
+ of water, agitating gently for 15 minutes. Strain out leaves,
+ leaving a brownish-yellow solution. Add 100 mg each of sodium
+ bicarbonate and sodium dithionite. If paraquat is present,
+ the solution will turn blue-green.
+%
+Testing can show the presence of bugs, but not their absence.
+ -- Edsger W. Dijkstra
+%
+Test-tube babies shouldn't throw stones.
+%
+TEUTONIC:
+ Not enough gin.
+%
+TEX is potentially the most significant invention in typesetting in this
+century. It introduces a standard language for computer typography, and in
+terms of importance could rank near the introduction of the Gutenberg press.
+ -- Gordon Bell
+%
+Texas A&M football coach Jackie Sherrill went to the office of the Dean
+of Academics because he was concerned about his players' mental abilities.
+"My players are just too stupid for me to deal with them", he told the
+unbelieving dean. At this point, one of his players happened to enter
+the dean's office. "Let me show you what I mean", said Sherrill, and he
+told the player to run over to his office to see if he was in. "OK, Coach",
+the player replied, and was off. "See what I mean?" Sherrill asked.
+"Yeah", replied the dean. "He could have just picked up this phone and
+called you from here."
+%
+Texas is Hell on woman and horses.
+ -- Wayne Oakes
+%
+Thank God I've always avoided persecuting my enemies.
+ -- Adolf Hitler
+%
+Thank you for observing all safety precautions.
+%
+That all men should be brothers is the dream of people who have no brothers.
+ -- Charles Chincholles, "Pensees de tout le monde"
+%
+That does not compute.
+%
+That feeling just came over me.
+ -- Albert DeSalvo, the "Boston Strangler"
+%
+That government is best which governs least.
+ -- Henry David Thoreau, "Civil Disobedience"
+%
+That is the true season of love, when we believe that we alone can love,
+that no one could have loved so before us, and that no one will love
+in the same way as us.
+ -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
+%
+That money talks,
+I'll not deny,
+I heard it once,
+It said "Good-bye.
+ -- Richard Armour
+%
+That must be wonderful: I don't understand it at all.
+ -- Moliere
+%
+That segment of the community with which one has the greatest
+sympathy as a liberal, inevitably turns out to be one of the most
+narrow-minded and bigoted segments of the community.
+%
+That that is is that that is not is not.
+%
+That, that is, is.
+That, that is not, is not.
+That, that is, is not that, that is not.
+That, that is not, is not that, that is.
+%
+...that the notions of "hardware", and "software" should be extended by
+the notion of LIVEWARE - being that which produces software for use on
+hardware. This produces an obvious extension to the concept of MONITORS.
+A liveware monitor is a person dedicated to the task of ensuring that the
+liveware does not interfere with the real-time processes, invoking the
+REAL-TIME EXECUTIONER to delete liveware that adversely affects ...
+ -- Linden and Wihelminalaan
+%
+That which is not good for the swarm, neither is it good for the bee.
+%
+That woman speaks eight languages and can't say "no" in any of them.
+ -- Dorothy Parker
+%
+That Xanthippe's husband should have become so great a philosopher is
+remarkable. Amid all the scolding, to be able to think! But he could not
+write: that was impossible. Socrates has not left us a single book.
+ -- Heine
+%
+That's always the way when you discover
+something new; everyone thinks you're crazy.
+ -- Evelyn E. Smith
+%
+That's life.
+ What's life?
+A magazine.
+ How much does it cost?
+Two-fifty.
+ I only have a dollar.
+That's life.
+%
+That's life for you, said McDunn. Someone always waiting for someone
+who never comes home. Always someone loving something more than that
+thing loves them. And after awhile you want to destroy whatever that
+thing is, so it can't hurt you no more.
+ -- R. Bradbury, "The Fog Horn"
+%
+"That's no answer," Job said, "And for someone who's supposed to be
+omnipotent, let me tell you 'tabernacle' has only one l."
+ -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
+%
+That's no moon...
+ -- Obi-wan Kenobi
+%
+That's odd. That's very odd.
+Wouldn't you say that's very odd?
+%
+That's one small step for a man; one giant leap for mankind.
+ -- Neil Armstrong
+%
+That's the most fun I've had without laughing.
+ -- Woody Allen, on sex
+%
+That's the thing about people who think they hate computers. What they
+really hate is lousy programmers.
+ -- Larry Niven and Jerry Pournelle in "Oath of Fealty"
+%
+That's the true harbinger of spring, not crocuses or swallows
+returning to Capistrano, but the sound of a bat on a ball.
+ -- Bill Veeck
+%
+That's what she said.
+%
+That's where the money was.
+ -- Willie Sutton, on being asked why he robbed a bank
+
+It's a rather pleasant experience to be alone in a bank at night.
+ -- Willie Sutton
+%
+The White Rabbit put on his spectacles.
+ "Where shall I begin, please your Majesty ?" he asked.
+ "Begin at the beginning,", the King said, very gravely,
+"and go on till you come to the end: then stop."
+ -- Lewis Carroll
+%
+The 11 is for people with the pride of a 10 and the pocketbook of an 8.
+ -- R.B. Greenberg
+%
+The 357.73 Theory --
+ Auditors always reject expense accounts
+ with a bottom line divisible by 5.
+%
+The 80's -- when you can't tell hairstyles from chemotherapy.
+%
+The 'A' is for content, the 'minus' is for not typing it.
+Don't ever do this to my eyes again.
+ -- Professor Ronald Brady, Philosophy, Ramapo State College
+%
+The Abrams' Principle:
+ The shortest distance between two points is off the wall.
+%
+The absence of labels [in ECL] is probably a good thing.
+ -- T. Cheatham
+%
+The absent ones are always at fault.
+%
+The absurd is the essential concept and the first truth.
+ -- A. Camus
+%
+The abuse of greatness is when it disjoins remorse from power.
+ -- William Shakespeare, "Julius Caesar"
+%
+The adjective is the banana peel of the parts of speech.
+ -- Clifton Fadiman
+%
+The adjuration to be "normal" seems shockingly repellent to me; I see neither
+hope nor comfort in sinking to that low level. I think it is ignorance that
+makes people think of abnormality only with horror and allows them to remain
+undismayed at the proximity of "normal" to average and mediocre. For surely
+anyone who achieves anything is, essentially, abnormal.
+ -- Dr. Karl Menninger, "The Human Mind", 1930
+%
+The advantage of being celibate is that when one sees a pretty girl one
+does not need to grieve over having an ugly one back home.
+ -- Paul Leautaud, "Propos dun jour"
+%
+The aim of a joke is not to degrade the human being but to remind him that
+he is already degraded.
+ -- George Orwell
+%
+The aim of science is to seek the simplest explanations of complex
+facts. Seek simplicity and distrust it.
+ -- Whitehead.
+%
+The alarm clock that is louder than God's own
+belongs to the roommate with the earliest class.
+%
+The algorithm for finding the longest path in a graph is NP-complete.
+For you systems people, that means it's *real slow*.
+ -- Bart Miller
+%
+The all-softening overpowering knell,
+The tocsin of the soul, -- the dinner bell.
+ -- Lord Byron
+%
+The Almighty in His infinite wisdom did not see
+fit to create Frenchmen in the image of Englishmen.
+ -- Winston Churchill, 1942
+%
+The American Dental Association announced today that most plaque tends
+to form on teeth around 4:00 PM in the afternoon.
+
+Film at 11:00.
+%
+The American nation in the sixth ward is a fine people; they love the
+eagle -- on the back of a dollar.
+ -- Finlay Peter Dunne
+%
+The American system of ours, call it Americanism, call it Capitalism,
+call it what you like, gives each and every one of us a great
+opportunity if we only seize it with both hands and make the most of it.
+ -- Al Capone
+%
+The amount of time between slipping on the peel and landing on the
+pavement is precisely 1 bananosecond.
+%
+The amount of weight an evangelist carries with the almighty is measured
+in billigrahams.
+%
+The Analytical Engine weaves Algebraical patterns
+just as the Jacquard loom weaves flowers and leaves.
+ -- Ada Augusta, Countess of Lovelace, the first programmer
+%
+The Anarchists' [national] anthem is an international anthem that consists
+of 365 raspberries blown in very quick succession to the tune of "Camptown
+Races". Nobody has to stand up for it, nobody has to listen to it, and,
+even better, nobody has to play it.
+ -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
+%
+The Ancient Doctrine of Mind Over Matter:
+ I don't mind... and you don't matter.
+
+ -- As revealed to reporter G. Rivera by Swami Havabanana
+%
+The Angels want to wear my red shoes.
+ -- E. Costello
+%
+The anger of a woman is the greatest evil
+with which you can threaten your enemies.
+ -- Bonnard
+%
+The Anglo-Saxon conscience does not prevent the Anglo-Saxon from
+sinning, it merely prevents him from enjoying his sin.
+ --Salvador De Madariaga
+%
+The angry man always thinks he can do more than he can.
+ -- Albertano of Brescia
+%
+The animals are not as stupid as one thinks -- they have neither
+doctors nor lawyers.
+ -- L. Docquier
+%
+The annual meeting of the "You Have To Listen To Experience" Club is now in
+session. Our Achievement Awards this year are in the fields of publishing,
+advertising and industry. For best consistent contribution in the field of
+publishing our award goes to editor, R.L.K., [...] for his unrivalled alle-
+giance without variation to the statement: "Personally I'd love to do it,
+we'd ALL love to do it. But we're not going to do it. It's not the kind of
+book our house knows how to handle." Our superior performance award in the
+field of advertising goes to media executive, E.L.M., [...] for the continu-
+ally creative use of the old favorite: "I think what you've got here could be
+very exciting. Why not give it one more try based on the approach I've out-
+lined and see if you can come up with something fresh." Our final award for
+courageous holding action in the field of industry goes to supervisor, R.S.,
+[...] for her unyielding grip on "I don't care if they fire me, I've been
+arguing for a new approach for YEARS but are we SURE that this is the right
+time--" I would like to conclude this meeting with a verse written specially
+for our prospectus by our founding president fifty years ago -- and now, as
+then, fully expressive of the emotion most close to all our hearts --
+ Treat freshness as a youthful quirk,
+ And dare not stray to ideas new,
+ For if t'were tried they might e'en work
+ And for a living what woulds't we do?
+%
+The answer to the question of Life, the Universe, and Everything is...
+
+ Four day work week,
+ Two ply toilet paper!
+%
+The answer to the Ultimate Question of Life, the Universe, and Everything was
+released with the kind permission of the Amalgamated Union of Philosophers,
+Sages, Luminaries, and Other Professional Thinking Persons.
+%
+The ark lands after The Flood. Noah lets all the animals out. Says he, "Go
+and multiply." Several months pass. Noah decides to check up on the animals.
+All are doing fine except a pair of snakes. "What's the problem?" says Noah.
+"Cut down some trees and let us live there", say the snakes. Noah follows
+their advice. Several more weeks pass. Noah checks on the snakes again.
+Lots of little snakes, everybody is happy. Noah asks, "Want to tell me how
+the trees helped?" "Certainly", say the snakes. "We're adders, and we need
+logs to multiply."
+%
+The arms business is founded on human folly, that is why its depths will
+never be plumbed and why it will go on forever. All weapons are defensive
+and all spare parts are non-lethal. The plainest print cannot be read
+through a solid gold sovereign, or a ruble or a golden eagle.
+ -- Sam Cummings, American arms dealer
+%
+The Army has carried the American ... ideal to its logical conclusion.
+Not only do they prohibit discrimination on the grounds of race, creed
+and color, but also on ability.
+ -- T. Lehrer
+%
+The Army needs leaders the way a foot needs a big toe.
+ -- Bill Murray
+%
+The assertion that "all men are created equal" was of no practical use in
+effecting our separation from Great Britain and it was placed in the
+Declaration not for that, but for future use.
+ -- Abraham Lincoln
+%
+The astronomer Francesco Sizi, a contemporary of Galileo, argues that
+Jupiter can have no satellites:
+
+ There are seven windows in the head, two nostrils, two ears, two
+eyes, and a mouth; so in the heavens there are two favorable stars, two
+unpropitious, two luminaries, and Mercury alone undecided and indifferent.
+From which and many other similar phenomena of nature such as the seven
+metals, etc., which it were tedious to enumerate, we gather that the number
+of planets is necessarily seven. [...]
+ Moreover, the satellites are invisible to the naked eye and
+therefore can have no influence on the earth and therefore would be useless
+and therefore do not exist.
+%
+The attacker must vanquish; the defender need only survive.
+%
+The average girl would rather have beauty than brains because she
+knows that the average man can see much better than he can think.
+ -- Ladies' Home Journal
+%
+The average, healthy, well-adjusted adult gets up at seven-thirty in
+the morning feeling just terrible.
+ -- Jean Kerr
+%
+The average income of the modern teenager is about 2AM.
+%
+The average individual's position in any hierarchy is a lot like pulling
+a dogsled -- there's no real change of scenery except for the lead dog.
+%
+The average nutritional value of promises is roughly zero.
+%
+The average Ph.D thesis is nothing but the transference of bones from
+one graveyard to another.
+ -- J. Frank Dobie, "A Texan in England"
+%
+The average woman must inevitably view her actual husband with a certain
+disdain; he is anything but her ideal. In consequence, she cannot help
+feeling that her children are cruelly handicapped by the fact that he is
+their father.
+ -- Mencken
+%
+The avocation of assessing the failures of better men can be turned
+into a comfortable livelihood, providing you back it up with a Ph.D.
+ -- Nelson Algren, "Writers at Work"
+%
+The avoidance of taxes is the only intellectual pursuit that
+carries any reward.
+ -- John Maynard Keynes
+%
+The bank called to tell me that I'm overdrawn,
+Some freaks are burning crosses out on my front lawn,
+And I *can't*believe* it, all the Cheetos are gone,
+ It's just ONE OF THOSE DAYS!
+ -- Weird Al Yankovic, "One of Those Days"
+%
+The bank sent our statement this morning,
+The red ink was a sight of great awe!
+Their figures and mine might have balanced,
+But my wife was too quick on the draw.
+%
+The basic idea behind malls is that they are more convenient than cities.
+Cities contain streets, which are dangerous and crowded and difficult to
+park in. Malls, on the other hand, have parking lots, which are also
+dangerous and crowded and difficult to park in, but -- here is the big
+difference -- in mall parking lots, THERE ARE NO RULES. You're allowed to
+do anything. You can drive as fast as you want in any direction you want.
+I was once driving in a mall parking lot when my car was struck by a pickup
+truck being driven backward by a squat man with a tattoo that said "Charlie"
+on his forearm, who got out and explained to me, in great detail, why the
+accident was my fault, his reasoning being that he was violent and muscular,
+whereas I was neither. This kind of reasoning is legally valid in mall
+parking lots.
+ -- Dave Barry
+%
+The bay-trees in our country are all wither'd
+And meteors fright the fixed stars of heaven;
+The pale-faced moon looks bloody on the earth
+And lean-look'd prophets whisper fearful change.
+These signs forerun the death or fall of kings.
+ -- Wm. Shakespeare, "Richard II"
+%
+THE BEATLES:
+ Paul McCartney's old back-up band.
+%
+The beauty of a pun is in the "Oy!" of the beholder.
+%
+The beer-cooled computer does not harm the ozone layer.
+ -- John M. Ford, a.k.a. Dr. Mike
+
+ [If I can read my notes from the Ask Dr. Mike session at Baycon, I
+ believe he added that the beer-cooled computer uses "Forget Only
+ Memory". Ed.]
+%
+The best audience is intelligent, well-educated and a little drunk.
+ -- Maurice Baring
+%
+The best book on programming for the layman is "Alice in Wonderland";
+but that's because it's the best book on anything for the layman.
+%
+The best case: Get salary from America, build a house in England,
+ live with a Japanese wife, and eat Chinese food.
+Pretty good case: Get salary from England, build a house in America,
+ live with a Chinese wife, and eat Japanese food.
+The worst case: Get salary from China, build a house in Japan,
+ live with a British wife, and eat American food.
+
+ --Bungei Shunju, a popular Japanese magazine
+%
+The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep.
+ -- W.C. Fields
+%
+The best defense against logic is ignorance.
+%
+The best definition of a gentleman is a man who can play the accordion --
+but doesn't.
+ -- Tom Crichton
+%
+The best diplomat I know is a fully activated phaser bank.
+ -- Scotty
+%
+The best equipment for your work is, of course, the most expensive.
+However, your neighbor is always wasting money that should be yours
+by judging things by their price.
+%
+The best executive is one who has sense enough to pick good people to do
+what he wants done, and self-restraint enough to keep from meddling with
+them while they do it.
+ -- Theodore Roosevelt
+%
+The best laid plans of mice and men are held up in the legal department.
+%
+The best laid plans of mice and men are usually about equal.
+ -- Blair
+%
+The best man for the job is often a woman.
+%
+The best number for a dinner party is two -- myself and a damn good
+head waiter.
+ -- Nubar Gulbenkian
+%
+The best portion of a good man's life, his little,
+nameless, unremembered acts of kindness and love.
+ -- Wordsworth
+%
+The best prophet of the future is the past.
+%
+The best rebuttal to this kind of statistical argument came from the
+redoubtable John W. Campbell:
+
+ The laws of population growth tell us that approximately half the
+ people who were ever born in the history of the world are now
+ dead. There is therefore a 0.5 probability that this message is
+ being read by a corpse.
+%
+The best that we can do is to be kindly and helpful toward our friends and
+fellow passengers who are clinging to the same speck of dirt while we are
+drifting side by side to our common doom.
+ -- Clarence Darrow
+%
+The best thing about being bald is, that, when unexpected
+company arrives, all you have to do is straighten your tie.
+%
+The best thing about growing older is that it takes such a long time.
+%
+The best thing that comes out of Iowa is I-80.
+%
+The best things in life are for a fee.
+%
+The best things in life go on sale sooner or later.
+%
+The best way to accelerate a Macintoy is at 9.8 meters per second, squared.
+%
+The best way to avoid responsibility is to say, "I've got responsibilities."
+%
+The best way to get rid of worries is to let them die of neglect.
+%
+The best way to keep your friends is not to give them away.
+%
+The best way to preserve a right is to exercise it, and the right to
+smoke is a right worth dying for.
+%
+The best ways are the most straightforward ways. When you're sitting around
+scamming these things out, all kinds of James Bondian ideas come forth, but
+when it gets down to the reality of it, the simplest and most straightforward
+way is usually the best, and the way that attracts the least attention.
+Also, pouring gasoline on the water and lighting it like James Bond doesn't
+work either.... They tried it during Prohibition.
+ -- Thomas King Forcade, marijuana smuggler
+%
+The best you get is an even break.
+ -- Franklin Adams
+%
+The better part of valor is discretion.
+ -- William Shakespeare, "Henry IV"
+%
+The better the state is established, the fainter is humanity.
+To make the individual uncomfortable, that is my task.
+ -- Nietzsche
+%
+The Bible contains six admonishments to homosexuals and 362 admonishments
+to heterosexuals. That doesn't mean that God doesn't love heterosexuals.
+It's just that they need more supervision.
+%
+The Bible is not my Book and Christianity is not my religion. I could
+never give assent to the long complicated statements of Christian dogma.
+ -- Abraham Lincoln
+%
+The Bible on letters of reference:
+
+ Are we beginning all over again to produce our credentials? Do
+we, like some people, need letters of introduction to you, or from you?
+No, you are all the letter we need, a letter written on your heart; any
+man can see it for what it is and read it for himself.
+ -- 2 Corinthians 3:1-2, New English translation
+%
+The big cities of America are becoming Third World countries.
+ -- Nora Ephron
+%
+The big mistake that men make is that when they turn thirteen or fourteen
+and all of a sudden they've reached puberty, they believe that they like
+women. Actually, you're just horny. It doesn't mean you like women any
+more at twenty-one than you did at ten.
+ -- Jules Feiffer
+%
+The big question is why in the course of evolution the males permitted
+themselves to be so totally eclipsed by the females. Why do they tolerate
+this total subservience, this wretched existence as outcasts who are
+hungry all the time?
+%
+The bigger they are, the harder they hit.
+%
+The biggest difference between time and space is that you can't reuse time.
+ -- Merrick Furst
+%
+The biggest mistake you can make is to believe that you are
+working for someone else.
+%
+The biggest problem with communication is the illusion that it has
+occurred.
+%
+The Bird of Time has but a little way to fly ...
+and the bird is on the wing.
+ -- Omar Khayyam
+%
+The black bear used to be one of the most commonly seen large animals
+because in Yosemite and Sequoia national parks they lived off of garbage
+and tourist handouts. This bear has learned to open car doors in
+Yosemite, where damage to automobiles caused by bears runs into the tens
+of thousands of dollars a year. Campaigns to bearproof all garbage
+containers in wild areas have been difficult, because as one biologist
+put it, "There is a considerable overlap between the intelligence levels
+of the smartest bears and the dumbest tourists."
+%
+The bland leadeth the bland and they both shall fall into the kitsch.
+%
+The bomb will never go off. I speak as an expert in explosives.
+ -- Admiral William Leahy, U.S. Atomic Bomb Project
+%
+The bone-chilling scream split the warm summer night in two, the first
+half being before the scream when it was fairly balmy and calm and
+pleasant, the second half still balmy and quite pleasant for those who
+hadn't heard the scream at all, but not calm or balmy or even very nice
+for those who did hear the scream, discounting the little period of time
+during the actual scream itself when your ears might have been hearing it
+but your brain wasn't reacting yet to let you know.
+ -- Winning sentence, 1986 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest.
+%
+The boy stood on the burning deck,
+Eating peanuts by the peck.
+His father called him, but he could not go,
+For he loved those peanuts so.
+%
+The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment
+you get up in the morning, and does not stop until you get to work.
+%
+The Briggs - Chase Law of Program Development:
+ To determine how long it will take to write and debug a
+ program, take your best estimate, multiply that by two, add
+ one, and convert to the next higher units.
+%
+The British are coming! The British are coming!
+%
+The broad mass of a nation... will more easily
+fall victim to a big lie than to a small one.
+ -- Adolf Hitler, "Mein Kampf"
+%
+The brotherhood of man is not a mere poet's dream; it is a most depressing
+and humiliating reality.
+ -- Oscar Wilde
+%
+The Buddha, the Godhead, resides quite as comfortably in the circuits of a
+digital computer or the gears of a cycle transmission as he does at the top
+of a mountain or in the petals of a flower. To think otherwise is to demean
+the Buddha -- which is to demean oneself.
+ -- Robert Pirsig, "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance"
+%
+The bugs you have to avoid are the ones that give the user not only
+the inclination to get on a plane, but also the time.
+ -- Kay Bostic
+%
+The Bulwer-Lytton fiction contest is held ever year at San Jose State
+Univ. by Professor Scott Rice. It is held in memory of Edward George
+Earle Bulwer-Lytton (1803-1873), a rather prolific and popular (in his
+time) novelist. He is best known today for having written "The Last
+Days of Pompeii."
+
+Whenever Snoopy starts typing his novel from the top of his doghouse,
+beginning "It was a dark and stormy night..." he is borrowing from Lord
+Bulwer-Lytton. This was the line that opened his novel, "Paul Clifford,"
+written in 1830. The full line reveals why it is so bad:
+
+ It was a dark and stormy night; the rain fell in torrents -- except
+ at occasional intervals, when it was checked by a violent gust of
+ wind which swept up the streets (for it is in London that our scene
+ lies), rattling along the housetops, and fiercely agitating the scanty
+ flame of the lamps that struggled against the darkness.
+%
+The cable TV sex channels don't expand our horizons, don't make us better
+people, and don't come in clearly enough.
+ -- Bill Maher
+%
+The camel died quite suddenly on the second day, and Selena fretted
+sullenly and, buffing her already impeccable nails -- not for the first
+time since the journey begain -- pondered snidely if this would dissolve
+into a vignette of minor inconveniences like all the other holidays spent
+with Basil.
+ -- Winning sentence, 1983 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest.
+%
+The carbonyl is polarized,
+The delta end is plus.
+The nucleophile will thus attack,
+The carbon nucleus.
+Addition makes an alcohol,
+Of types there are but three.
+It makes a bond, to correspond,
+From C to shining C.
+ -- Prof. Frank Westheimer, to "America the Beautiful"
+%
+The cart has no place where a fifth wheel could be used.
+ -- Herbert von Fritzlar
+%
+The Celts invented two things, Whiskey and self-distruction.
+%
+The chains of marriage are so heavy that it takes two to carry them, and
+sometimes three.
+ -- Alexandre Dumas
+%
+The chicken that clucks the loudest is the one most likely to show up
+at the steam fitters picnic.
+%
+The chief cause of problems is solutions.
+ -- Eric Sevareid
+%
+The chief enemy of creativity is "good" sense
+ -- Picasso
+%
+The church is near but the road is icy,
+the bar is far away but I will walk carefully.
+ -- Russian Proverb
+%
+The church saves sinners, but science seeks to stop their manufacture.
+ -- Elbert Hubbard
+%
+The City of Palo Alto, in its official description of parking lot standards,
+specifies the grade of wheelchair access ramps in terms of centimeters of
+rise per foot of run. A compromise, I imagine...
+%
+The clash of ideas is the sound of freedom.
+%
+The clearest way into the Universe is through a forest wilderness.
+ -- John Muir
+%
+The clergy successfully preached the doctrines of patience and pusillanimity;
+the active virtues of society were discouraged; and the last remains of a
+military spirit were buried in the cloister: a large portion of public and
+private wealth was consecrated to the specious demands of charity and devotion;
+and the soldiers' pay was lavished on the useless multitudes of both sexes
+who could only plead the merits of abstinence and chastity.
+ -- Edward Gibbons, "The Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire"
+%
+The climate of Bombay is such that its inhabitants have to live elsewhere.
+%
+The closest to perfection a person ever comes is when they fill out a
+job application.
+%
+The closest to perfection a person ever comes
+is when he fills out a job application form.
+ -- Stanley J. Randall
+%
+The clothes have no emperor.
+ -- C.A.R. Hoare, commenting on ADA.
+%
+The coast was clear.
+ -- Lope de Vega
+%
+The college graduate is presented with a sheepskin to cover his
+intellectual nakedness.
+ -- Robert M. Hutchins
+%
+The Commandments of the EE:
+
+1: Beware of lightning that lurketh in an uncharged condenser
+ lest it cause thee to bounce upon thy buttocks in a most
+ embarrassing manner.
+2: Cause thou the switch that supplieth large quantities of juice to
+ be opened and thusly tagged, that thy days may be long in this
+ earthly vale of tears.
+3: Prove to thyself that all circuits that radiateth, and upon
+ which the worketh, are grounded and thusly tagged lest they lift
+ thee to a radio frequency potential and causeth thee to make like
+ a radiator too.
+4: Tarry thou not amongst these fools that engage in intentional
+ shocks for they are not long for this world and are surely
+ unbelievers.
+%
+The Commandments of the EE:
+
+5: Take care that thou useth the proper method when thou takest the
+ measures of high-voltage circuits too, that thou dost not incinerate
+ both thee and thy test meter, for verily, though thou has no company
+ property number and can be easily surveyed, the test meter has
+ one and, as a consequence, bringeth much woe unto a purchasing agent.
+6: Take care that thou tamperest not with interlocks and safety devices,
+ for this incurreth the wrath of the chief electrician and bring
+ the fury of the engineers on his head.
+7: Work thou not on energized equipment for if thou doest so, thy
+ friends will surely be buying beers for thy widow and consoling
+ her in certain ways not generally acceptable to thee.
+8: Verily, verily I say unto thee, never service equipment alone,
+ for electrical cooking is a slow process and thou might sizzle in
+ thy own fat upon a hot circuit for hours on end before thy maker
+ sees fit to end thy misery and drag thee into his fold.
+%
+The Commandments of the EE:
+
+9: Trifle thee not with radioactive tubes and substances lest thou
+ commence to glow in the dark like a lightning bug, and thy wife be
+ frustrated and have not further use for thee except for thy wages.
+10: Commit thou to memory all the words of the prophets which are
+ written down in thy Bible which is the National Electrical Code,
+ and giveth out with the straight dope and consoleth thee when
+ thou hast suffered a ream job by the chief electrician.
+11: When thou muckest about with a device in an unthinking and/or
+ unknowing manner, thou shalt keep one hand in thy pocket. Better
+ that thou shouldest keep both hands in thy pockets than
+ experimentally determine the electrical potential of an
+ innocent-seeming device.
+%
+The common cormorant, or shag, lays eggs inside a paper bag.
+%
+The computer industry is journalists in their 20's standing in awe of
+entrepreneurs in their 30's who are hiring salesmen in their 40's and
+50's and paying them in the 60's and 70's to bring their marketing into
+the 80's.
+ -- Marty Winston
+%
+The computer is to the information industry roughly what the
+central power station is to the electrical industry.
+ -- Peter Drucker
+%
+The computing field is always in need of new cliches.
+ -- Alan Perlis
+%
+The concept seems to be clear by now. It has been
+defined several times by examples of what it is not.
+%
+The connection between the language in which we think/program and the problems
+and solutions we can imagine is very close. For this reason restricting
+language features with the intent of eliminating programmer errors is at best
+dangerous.
+ -- Bjarne Stroustrup
+%
+The Constitution may not be perfect, but it's a lot better
+than what we've got!
+%
+The control of the production of wealth
+is the control of human life itself.
+ -- Hilaire Belloc
+%
+The correct way to punctuate a sentence that starts: "Of course it is
+none of my business, but --" is to place a period after the word "but."
+Don't use excessive force in supplying such a moron with a period.
+Cutting his throat is only a momentary pleasure and is bound to get
+you talked about.
+ -- Lazarus Long
+%
+The cost of feathers has risen, even down is up!
+%
+The cost of living has just gone up another dollar a quart.
+ -- W.C. Fields
+%
+The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.
+%
+The cost of living is going up, and the chance of living is going down.
+%
+The countdown had stalled at 'T' minus 69 seconds when Desiree, the first
+female ape to go up in space, winked at me slyly and pouted her thick,
+rubbery lips unmistakably -- the first of many such advances during what
+would prove to be the longest, and most memorable, space voyage of my
+career.
+ -- Winning sentence, 1985 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest.
+%
+The course of true anything never does run smooth.
+ -- Samuel Butler
+%
+The courtroom was pregnant (pun intended) with anxious silence as the
+judge solemnly considered his verdict in the paternity suit before him.
+Suddenly, he reached into the folds of his robes, drew out a cigar and
+cermoniously handed it to the defendant.
+ "Congratulations!" declaimed the jurist. "You have just become a
+father!"
+%
+The covers of this book are too far apart.
+ -- Book review by Ambrose Bierce.
+%
+The cow is nothing but a machine which makes grass fit for us people to eat.
+ -- John McNulty
+%
+The Crown is full of it!
+ -- Nate Harris, 1775
+%
+The cry has been that when war is declared, all opposition should therefore
+be hushed. A sentiment more unworthy of a free country could hardly be
+propagated. If the doctrine be admitted, rulers have only to declare war
+and they are screened at once from scrutiny. ... In war, then, as in peace,
+assert the freedom of speech and of the press. Cling to this as the bulwark
+of all our rights and privileges.
+ -- William Ellery Channing
+
+%
+The curse of the Irish is not that they don't know the
+words to a song -- it's that they know them *all*.
+ -- Susan Dooley
+%
+The "cutting edge" is getting rather dull.
+ -- Andy Purshottam
+%
+The Czechs announced after Sputnik that they, too, would launch
+a satellite. Of course, it would orbit Sputnik, not Earth!
+%
+The danger is not that a particular class is unfit to govern.
+Every class is unfit to govern.
+ -- Lord Acton
+%
+The dangerous Lego Bomb, which targets shag rugs and scatters pieces of
+plastic that hurt like hell when you step on them is banned entirely....
+Hiring David Copperfield to pretend to saw the missiles in half will not
+be permitted... In order to reduce risk of accidental war, both sides
+agree to ban the popular but dangerous 'Simon Says' training drill at
+nuclear launch sites... Under no circumstances will either side reveal
+that it hammered out the treaty in one afternoon, but spent the last nine
+years arguing the Monty Hall and the three doors problem.
+ -- Little known provisions of the START treaty by James Lileks
+%
+The day advanced as if to light some work of mine; it was morning,
+and lo! now it is evening, and nothing memorable is accomplished.
+ -- H.D. Thoreau
+%
+The day will come when the mystical generation of Jesus, by the Supreme Being
+as his Father, in the womb of a virgin will be classified with the fable of
+the generation of Minerva in the brain of Jupiter. But we may hope that the
+dawn of reason and freedom of thought in these United States will do away with
+this artificial scaffolding and restore to us the primitive and genuine
+doctrines of this most venerated Reformer of human errors.
+ -- Thomas Jefferson
+%
+The days are all empty and the nights are unreal.
+%
+The days just prior to marriage are like a snappy introduction
+to a tedious book.
+%
+The day-to-day travails of the IBM programmer are so amusing to most of us
+who are fortunate enough never to have been one -- like watching Charlie
+Chaplin trying to cook a shoe.
+%
+The debate rages on: Is PL/I Bachtrian or Dromedary?
+%
+The decision doesn't have to be logical; it was unanimous.
+%
+The default Magic Word, "Abracadabra", actually is a corruption of the
+Hebrew phrase "ha-Bracha dab'ra" which means "pronounce the blessing".
+%
+The degree of civilization in a society
+can be judged by entering its prisons.
+ -- F. Dostoyevski
+%
+The degree of technical confidence is inversely
+proportional to the level of management.
+%
+The denunciation of the young is a necessary part of the hygiene of older
+people, and greatly assists in the circulation of the blood.
+ -- Logan Pearsall Smith
+%
+The departing division general manager met a last time with his young
+successor and gave him three envelopes. "My predecessor did this for me,
+and I'll pass the tradition along to you," he said. "At the first sign
+of trouble, open the first envelope. Any further difficulties, open the
+second envelope. Then, if problems continue, open the third envelope.
+Good luck." The new manager returned to his office and tossed the envelopes
+into a drawer.
+ Six months later, costs soared and earnings plummeted. Shaken, the
+young man opened the first envelope, which said, "Blame it all on me."
+ The next day, he held a press conference and did just that. The
+crisis passed.
+ Six months later, sales dropped precipitously. The beleagured
+manager opened the second envelope. It said, "Reorganize."
+ He held another press conference, announcing that the division
+would be restructured. The crisis passed.
+ A year later, everything went wrong at once and the manager was
+blamed for all of it. The harried executive closed his office door, sank
+into his chair, and opened the third envelope.
+ "Prepare three envelopes..." it said.
+%
+The descent to Hades is the same from every place.
+ -- Anaxagoras
+%
+The devil can cite Scripture for his purpose.
+ -- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice"
+%
+The devil finds work for idle circuits to do.
+%
+The devil finds work for idle glands.
+%
+The die is cast.
+ -- Gaius Julius Caesar
+%
+The difference between a career and a job is about 20 hours a week.
+%
+The difference between a good haircut and a bad one is seven days.
+%
+The difference between a Miracle and a Fact is
+exactly the difference between a mermaid and a seal.
+ -- Mark Twain
+%
+The difference between a misfortune and a calamity? If Gladstone fell into
+the Thames, it would be a misfortune. But if someone dragged him out again,
+it would be a calamity.
+ -- Benjamin Disraeli
+%
+The difference between America and England is, the English think 100
+miles is a long distance and the Americans think 100 years is a long time.
+%
+The difference between art and science is that science is what we
+understand well enough to explain to a computer. Art is everything else.
+ -- Donald Knuth, "Discover"
+%
+The difference between common-sense and paranoia is that common-sense is
+thinking everyone is out to get you. That's normal -- they are. Paranoia
+is thinking that they're conspiring.
+ -- J. Kegler
+%
+The difference between dogs and cats is that dogs come when they're
+called. Cats take a message and get back to you.
+%
+The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits.
+%
+The difference between legal separation and divorce is
+that legal separation gives the man time to hide his money.
+%
+The difference between reality and unreality
+is that reality has so little to recommend it.
+ -- Allan Sherman
+%
+The difference between science and the fuzzy subjects is that science
+requires reasoning while those other subjects merely require scholarship.
+ -- Robert Heinlein
+%
+The difference between sentiment and being sentimental is the following:
+Sentiment is when a driver swerves out of the way to avoid hitting a
+rabbit on the road. Being sentimental is when the same driver, when
+swerving away from the rabbit hits a pedestrian.
+ -- Frank Herbert, "The White Plague"
+%
+The difference between sentiment and sentimentality is easy to see. When
+you avoid killing somebody's pet on the glazeway, that's sentiment. If you
+swerve to avoid the pet and that causes you to kill pedestrians, THAT is
+sentimentality.
+ -- Frank Herbert, "Chapterhouse: Dune"
+%
+The difference between the right word and the almost right word
+is the difference between lightning and the lightning bug.
+ -- Mark Twain
+%
+The difference between this place and yogurt
+is that yogurt has a live culture.
+%
+The difference between us is not very far,
+cruising for burgers in daddy's new car.
+%
+The difference between waltzes and disco is mostly one of volume.
+ -- T.K.
+%
+The difficult we do today; the impossible takes a little longer.
+%
+The dirty work at political conventions is almost always done in
+the grim hours between midnight and dawn. Hangmen and politicians
+work best when the human spirit is at its lowest ebb.
+ -- Russell Baker
+%
+The discerning person is always at a disadvantage.
+%
+The disks are getting full; purge a file today.
+%
+The distinction between Freedom and Liberty is not accurately known;
+naturalists have been unable to find a living specimen of either.
+ -- Ambrose Bierce
+%
+The distinction between true and false appears to become
+increasingly blurred by... the pollution of the language.
+ -- Arne Tiselius
+%
+The divinity of Jesus is made a convenient cover for absurdity. Nowhere in
+the Gospels do we find a precept for Creeds, Confessions, Oaths, Doctrines,
+and whole carloads of other foolish trumpery that we find in Christianity.
+ -- John Adams
+%
+The door is the key.
+%
+The duck hunter trained his retriever to walk on water. Eager to show off
+this amazing accomplishment, he asked a friend to go along on his next
+hunting trip. Saying nothing, he fired his first shot and, as the duck fell,
+the dog walked on the surface of the water, retrieved the duck and returned
+it to his master.
+ "Notice anything?" the owner asked eagerly.
+ "Yes," said his friend, "I see that fool dog of yours can't swim."
+%
+The duration of passion is proportionate with the original resistance
+of the woman.
+ -- Honore de Balzac
+%
+The eagle may soar, but the weasel never gets sucked into a jet engine.
+%
+The early bird gets the coffee left over from the night before.
+%
+The early bird who catches the worm works for someone who comes in late
+and owns the worm farm.
+ -- Travis McGee
+%
+The early worm gets the bird.
+%
+The early worm gets the late bird.
+%
+The earth is like a tiny grain of sand, only much, much heavier.
+%
+"The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly
+teaches me to suspect that my own is also."
+
+"I would not interfere with any one's religion, either to strengthen it
+or to weaken it. I am not able to believe one's religion can affect his
+hereafter one way or the other, no matter what that religion may be.
+But it may easily be a great comfort to him in this life -- hence it is a
+valuable posession to him."
+
+"I do not see how eternal punishment hereafter could accomplish any good
+end, therefore I am not able to believe in it. To chasten a man in order
+to perfect him might be reasonable enough; to annihilate him when he shall
+have proved himself incapable of reaching perfection mught be reasonable
+enough; but to roast him forever for the mere satisfaction of seeing him
+roast would not be reasonable -- even the atrocious God imagined by the Jews
+would tire of the spectacle eventually."
+ -- Mark Twain
+%
+The egg cream is psychologically the opposite of circumcision -- it
+*pleasurably* reaffirms your Jewishness.
+ -- Mel Brooks
+%
+The elder gods went to Yuggoth, and all you got was this lousy fortune.
+%
+The Encyclopaedia Galactica defines a robot as a mechanical apparatus designed
+to do the work of a man. The marketing division of Sirius Cybernetics
+Corporation defines a robot as 'Your Plastic Pal Who's Fun To Be With'.
+The Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy defines the marketing division of the
+Sirius Cybernetics Corporation as 'a bunch of mindless jerks who'll be the
+first against the wall when the revolution comes', with a footnote to effect
+that the editors would welcome applications from anyone interested in taking
+over the post of robotics correspondent.
+ Curiously enough, an edition of the Encyclopaedia Galactica that
+had the good fortune to fall through a time warp from a thousand years in
+the future defined the marketing division of the Sirius Cybernetics
+Corporation as 'a bunch of mindless jerks who were the first against the
+wall when the revolution came'.
+%
+The end move in politics is always to pick up a gun.
+ -- Buckminster Fuller
+%
+The end of labor is to gain leisure.
+%
+The end of the world will occur at three p.m., this Friday,
+with symposium to follow.
+%
+The ends justify the means.
+ -- after Matthew Prior
+%
+The energy produced by the breaking down of the atom is a very poor kind
+of thing. Anyone who expects a source of power from the transformation
+of these atoms is talking moonshine.
+ -- Ernest Rutherford, after he had split the atom for
+ the first time
+%
+The English country gentleman galloping after a fox -- the unspeakable
+in full pursuit of the uneatable.
+ -- Oscar Wilde, "A Woman of No Importance"
+%
+The English have no respect for their language,
+and will not teach their children to speak it.
+ -- G.B. Shaw
+%
+The English instinctively admire any man
+who has no talent and is modest about it.
+ -- James Agate, British film and drama critic
+%
+The entire work force of the Communist countries is sunjected to periodic
+purges (called verifications in Newspeak). One of the most severe took
+place in 1957 when Novotny, rattled by the Hungarian Revolution the year
+before, tried hard to weed out "radishes" (red outside, white inside) from
+all but insignificant positions. Any one of the following would often
+result in the loss of one's job: Bourgeois or Jewish family background,
+relatives abroad, contacts with former capitalists, having lived in a
+Western country, insufficient knowledge of Communist literature, and others.
+
+ A man is interviewed by a "Verification Committee."
+ "What kind of family do you come from?"
+ "A rich, Jewish family."
+ "And your wife?"
+ "A German aristocrat."
+ "Have you ever been to the West?"
+ "I spent most of my life in England."
+ "How did you make a living there?"
+ "A friend supported me."
+ "Where did you get the money from?"
+ "He owned a textile factory."
+ "Who was Lenin?"
+ "Never heard of him."
+ "What is your name?"
+ "Karl Marx."
+%
+[The ERA] encourages women to leave their husbands, kill their children,
+practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism and become lesbians.
+ -- Pat Robertson, Man of God and serious Republican
+ presidential aspirant.
+%
+The error of youth is to believe that intelligence is a substitute
+for experience, while the error of age is to believe experience is
+a substitute for intelligence.
+ -- Lyman Bryson
+%
+The eternal feminine draws us upward.
+ -- Goethe
+%
+The executioner is, I hear, very expert, and my neck is very slender.
+ -- Anne Boleyn
+%
+The explanation requiring the fewest assumptions
+is the most likely to be correct.
+ -- William of Occam
+%
+The eye is a menace to clear sight, the ear is a menace to subtle hearing,
+the mind is a menace to wisdom, every organ of the senses is a menace to its
+own capacity. ... Fuss, the god of the Southern Ocean, and Fret, the god
+of the Northern Ocean, happened once to meet in the realm of Chaos, the god
+of the center. Chaos treated them very handsomely and they discussed together
+what they could do to repay his kindness. They had noticed that, whereas
+everyone else had seven apertures, for sight, hearing, eating, breathing and
+so on, Chaos had none. So they decided to make the experiment of boring holes
+in him. Every day they bored a hole, and on the seventh day, Chaos died.
+ -- Chuang Tzu
+%
+The eyes of taxes are upon you.
+%
+The eyes of Texas are upon you,
+All the livelong day;
+The eyes of Texas are upon you,
+You cannot get away;
+Do not think you can escape them
+From night 'til early in the morn;
+The eyes of Texas are upon you
+'Til Gabriel blows his horn.
+ -- University of Texas' school song
+%
+The fact that an opinion has been widely held is no evidence that it is not
+utterly absurd; indeed, in view of the silliness of the majority of mankind,
+a widespread belief is more often likely to be foolish than sensible.
+ -- Bertrand Russell, in "Marriage and Morals", 1929
+%
+The fact that Hitler was a political genius unmasks the nature of politics
+in general as no other can.
+ -- Wilhelm Reich
+%
+The fact that it works is immaterial.
+ -- L. Ogborn
+%
+The fact that people are poor or discriminated against doesn't necessarily
+endow them with any special qualities of justice, nobility, charity or
+compassion.
+ -- Saul Alinsky
+%
+The famous politician was trying to save both his faces.
+%
+The farther you go, the less you know.
+ -- Lao Tsu, "Tao Te Ching"
+%
+The fashion wears out more apparel than the man.
+ -- William Shakespeare, "Much Ado About Nothing"
+%
+The fashionable drawing rooms of London have always been happy to accept
+outsiders -- if only on their own, albeit undemanding terms. That is to
+say, artists, so long as they are not too talented, men of humble birth,
+so long as they have since amassed several million pounds, and socialists
+so long as they are Tories.
+ -- Christopher Booker
+%
+The faster I go, the behinder I get.
+ -- Lewis Carroll
+%
+The Fastest Defeat In Chess
+ The big name for us in the world of chess is Gibaud, a French chess
+master.
+ In Paris during 1924 he was beaten after only four moves by a
+Monsieur Lazard. Happily for posterity, the moves are recorded and so
+chess enthusiasts may reconstruct this magnificent collapse in the comfort
+of their own homes.
+ Lazard was black and Gibaud white:
+ 1: P-Q4, Kt-KB3
+ 2: Kt-Q2, P-K4
+ 3: PxP, Kt-Kt5
+ 4: P-K6, Kt-K6/
+ White then resigns on realizing that a fifth move would involve
+either a Q-KR5 check or the loss of his queen.
+ -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
+%
+The father, passing through his son's college town late one evening on a
+business trip, thought he would pay his boy a surprise visit. Arriving at the
+lad's fraternity house, dad rapped loudly on the door. After several minutes
+of knocking, a sleepy voice drifted down from a second-floor window,
+ "Whaddaya want?"
+ "Does Ramsey Duncan live here?" asked the father.
+ "Yeah," replied the voice. "Dump him on the front porch."
+%
+The feeling persists that no one can simultaneously be a respectable writer
+and understand how a refrigerator works, just as no gentleman wears a brown
+suit in the city. Colleges may be to blame. English majors are encouraged,
+I know, to hate chemistry and physics, and to be proud because they are not
+dull and creepy and humorless and war-oriented like the engineers across the
+quad. And our most impressive critics have commonly been such English majors,
+and they are squeamish about technology to this very day. So it is natural
+for them to despise science fiction.
+ -- Kurt Vonnegut Jr., "Science Fiction"
+%
+The fellow sat down at a bar, ordered a drink and asked the bartender if he
+wanted to hear a dumb-jock joke.
+ "Hey, buddy," the bartender replied, "you see those two guys next to
+you? They used to be with the Chicago Bears. The two dudes behind you made
+the U.S. Olympic wrestling team. And for you information, I used to play
+center at Notre Dame."
+ "Forget it," the customer said. "I don't want to explain it five
+times."
+%
+"The feminist agenda," Pat Robertson observed in a recent letter to his
+supporters, "is not about equal rights for women. It is about a socialist,
+anti-family political movement that encourages women to leave their
+husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism
+and become lesbians."
+%
+The Fifth Rule:
+ You have taken yourself too seriously.
+%
+The final delusion is the belief that one has lost all delusions.
+ -- Maurice Chapelain, "Main courante"
+%
+The finest eloquence is that which gets things done.
+%
+The first and almost the only Book deserving of universal attention is
+the Bible.
+ -- John Quincy Adams
+
+All the good from the Saviour of the world is communicated through this Book;
+but for the Book we could not know right from wrong. All the things desirable
+to man are contained in it.
+ -- Abraham Lincoln
+
+... the Bible ... is the one supreme source of revelation of the meaning of
+life, the nature of God and spirtual nature and need of men. It is the only
+guide of life which really leads the spirit in the way of peace and salvation.
+ -- Woodrow Wilson
+%
+The first duty of a revolutionary is to get away with it.
+ -- Abbie Hoffman
+%
+The first Great Steward, Parrafin the Climber, was employed in King
+Chloroplast's kitchen as second scullery boy when the old King met a tragic
+death. He apparently fell backward by accident on a dozen salad forks.
+Simultaneously the true heir, his son Carotene, mysteriously fled the city,
+complaining of some sort of plot and a lot of threatening notes left on his
+breakfast tray. At the time, this looked suspicious what with his father's
+death, and Carotene was suspected of foul play. Then the rest of the King's
+relatives began to drop dead one after the other in an odd fashion. Some
+were found strangled with dishrags and some succumbed to food poisoning. A
+few were found drowned in the soup vats, and one was attacked by assailants
+unknown and beaten to death with a pot roast. At least three appear to have
+thrown themselves backward on salad forks, perhaps in a noble gesture of
+grief over the King's untimely end. Finally there was no one left in Minas
+Troney who was either eligible or willing to wear the accursed crown, and
+the rule of Twodor was up for grabs. The scullery slave Parrafin bravely
+accepted the Stewardship of Twodor until that day when a lineal descendant
+of Carotene's returns to reclaim his rightful throne, conquer Twodor's
+enemies, and revamp the postal system.
+ -- Bored of the Rings, "Harvard Lampoon"
+%
+The first guy that rats gets a bellyful of slugs in the head. Understand?
+ -- Joey Glimco, trade unionist
+%
+The first guy that rats gets a belly-full of slugs in the head.
+Understand?
+ -- Joey Glimco
+%
+The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents and the second half
+by our children.
+ -- Clarence Darrow
+%
+The first marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence,
+and the second the triumph of hope over experience.
+%
+The first myth of management is that it exists.
+%
+The first requisite for immortality is death.
+ -- Stanislaw Lem
+%
+The first riddle I ever heard, one familiar to almost every Jewish child,
+was propounded to me by my father:
+
+ "What is it that hangs on the wall, is green, wet -- and whistles?"
+I knit my brow and thought and thought, and in final perplexity gave up.
+ "A herring," said my father.
+ "A herring," I echoed. "A herring doesn't hang on the wall!"
+ "So hang it there."
+ "But a herring isn't green!" I protested.
+ "Paint it."
+ "But a herring isn't wet."
+ "If it's just painted it's still wet."
+ "But -- " I sputtered, summoning all my outrage,
+ "a herring doesn't whistle!!"
+ "Right, " smiled my father. "I just put that in to make it hard."
+ -- Leo Rosten
+%
+The first Rotarian was the first man to call John the Baptist "Jack."
+ -- H.L. Mencken
+%
+The first rule of intelligent tinkering is to save all the parts.
+ -- Ehrlich
+%
+The first rule of intelligent tinkering is to save all the parts.
+ -- Paul Erlich
+%
+The First Rule of Program Optimization:
+ Don't do it.
+
+The Second Rule of Program Optimization (for experts only!):
+ Don't do it yet.
+ -- Michael Jackson
+%
+The first thing I do in the morning
+is brush my teeth and sharpen my tongue.
+ -- Dorothy Parker
+%
+The first thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers.
+ -- Wm. Shakespeare, "Henry VI", Part IV
+%
+The first version always gets thrown away.
+%
+The five rules of Socialism:
+
+ 1. Don't think.
+ 2. If you do think, don't speak.
+ 3. If you think and speak, don't write.
+ 4. If you think, speak and write, don't sign.
+ 5. If you think, speak, write and sign, don't be surprised.
+
+ -- being told in Poland, 1987
+%
+...the flaw that makes perfection perfect.
+%
+The flow chart is a most thoroughly oversold piece of program documentation.
+ -- Frederick Brooks, "The Mythical Man Month"
+%
+The flush toilet is the basis of Western civilization.
+ -- Alan Coult
+%
+The following statement is not true.
+The previous statement is true.
+%
+The Following Subsume All Physical and Human Laws:
+
+ 1. You can't push on a string.
+ 2. Ain't no free lunches.
+ 3. Them as has, gets.
+ 4. You can't win them all, but you sure as hell can lose them all.
+%
+The Force is what holds everything together.
+It has its dark side, and it has its light side.
+It's sort of like cosmic duct tape.
+%
+The [Ford Foundation] is a large body of money
+completely surrounded by people who want some.
+ -- Dwight MacDonald
+%
+The forest is safe because a lion lives therein and the lion is safe
+because it lives in a forest. Likewise the friendship of persons
+rests on mutual help.
+ -- Laukikanyay.
+%
+The fortune program is supported, in part, by user contributions
+and by a major grant from the National Endowment for the Inanities.
+%
+The founding fathers tried to set up a judicial system where the accused
+received a fair trial, not a system to insure an acquittal on technicalities.
+%
+The founding fathers tried to set up a system where a man got a fair
+trial, not a system to get let him get off on technicalities.
+%
+The fountain code has been tightened slightly so you can no longer dip
+objects into a fountain or drink from one while you are floating in mid-air
+due to levitation.
+ Teleporting to hell via a teleportation trap will no longer occur
+if the character does not have fire resistance.
+ -- README file from the NetHack game
+%
+[The French Riviera is] a sunny place for shady people.
+ -- W. Somerset Maugham
+%
+The full impact of parenthood doesn't hit you until you multiply the
+number of your kids by thirty-two teeth.
+%
+The full potentialities of human fury cannot be reached until a friend
+of both parties tactfully interferes.
+ -- G.K. Chesterton
+%
+The function of the expert is not to be more right than other people,
+but to be wrong for more sophisticated reasons.
+ -- Dr. David Butler, British psephologist
+%
+The future is a myth created by insurance
+salesmen and high school counselors.
+%
+The future is a race between education and catastrophe.
+ -- H.G. Wells
+%
+The future isn't what it used to be. (It never was.)
+%
+The future lies ahead.
+%
+The future not being born, my friend,
+we will abstain from baptizing it.
+ -- George Meredith
+%
+The garden is in mourning;
+The rain falls cool among the flowers.
+Summer shivers quietly
+On its way towards its end.
+
+Golden leaf after leaf
+Falls from the tall acacia.
+Summer smiles, astonished, feeble,
+In this dying dream of a garden.
+
+For a long while, yet, in the roses,
+She will linger on, yearning for peace,
+And slowly
+Close her weary eyes.
+ -- Hermann Hesse, "September"
+%
+The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance.
+%
+The genius of our ruling class is that it has kept a majority of the
+people from ever questioning the inequity of a system where most people
+drudge along paying heavy taxes for which they get nothing in return.
+ -- Gore Vidal
+%
+The gent who wakes up and finds himself a success hasn't been asleep.
+%
+The gentlemen looked one another over with microscopic carelessness.
+%
+The girl who remembers her first kiss now has a daughter who can't even
+remember her first husband.
+%
+The girl who stoops to conquer usually wears a low-cut dress.
+%
+The girl who swears no one has ever made love to her has a right to swear.
+ -- Sophia Loren
+%
+The glances over cocktails
+That seemed to be so sweet
+Don't seem quite so amorous
+Over Shredded Wheat
+%
+The goal of Computer Science is to build something
+that will at least last until we've finished building it.
+%
+The goal of science is to build better mousetraps.
+The goal of nature is to build better mice.
+%
+The gods gave man fire and he invented fire engines.
+They gave him love and he invented marriage.
+%
+The Golden Rule is of no use to you whatever unless you realize it
+is your move.
+ -- Frank Crane
+%
+The Golden Rule of Arts and Sciences:
+ He who has the gold makes the rules.
+%
+The good die young -- because they see it's no use living if you've got
+to be good.
+ -- John Barrymore
+%
+The good (I am convinced, for one)
+Is but the bad one leaves undone.
+Once your reputation's done
+You can live a life of fun.
+ -- Wilhelm Busch
+%
+The good life was so elusive
+It really got me down
+I had to regain some confidence
+So I got into camaflouge
+%
+The good time is approaching,
+The season is at hand.
+When the merry click of the two-base lick
+Will be heard throughout the land.
+The frost still lingers on the earth, and
+Budless are the trees.
+But the merry ring of the voice of spring
+Is borne upon the breeze.
+ -- Ode to Opening Day, "The Sporting News", 1886
+%
+The Gordian Maxim:
+If a string has one end, it has another.
+%
+The government has just completed work on a missile that turned out
+to be a bit of a boondoggle; nicknamed "Civil Servant", it won't work
+and they can't fire it.
+%
+The Government just announced today the creation of the Neutron Bomb II.
+Similar to the Neutron Bomb, the Neutron Bomb II not only kills people
+and leaves buildings standing, but also does a little light housekeeping.
+%
+The government of the United States is not in any sense founded on the
+Christian Religion
+ -- George Washington
+%
+The government was contemplating the dispatch of an expedition to Burma,
+with a view to taking Rangoon, and a question arose as to who would be the
+fittest general to be sent in command of the expedition. The Cabinet sent
+for the Duke of Wellington, and asked his advice. He instantly replied,
+"Send Lord Combermere."
+ "But we have always understood that your Grace thought Lord
+Combermere a fool."
+ "So he is a fool, and a damned fool; but he can take Rangoon."
+ -- G.W.E. Russell
+%
+The goys have proven the following theorem...
+ -- Physicist John von Neumann, at the start of a classroom
+ lecture.
+%
+The grass is always greener on the other side of your sunglasses.
+%
+The grave's a fine and private place,
+but none, I think, do there embrace.
+ -- Andrew Marvell
+%
+The graveyards are full of indispensable men.
+ -- Charles de Gaulle
+%
+The Great Bald Swamp Hedgehog:
+ The Gerat Bald Swamp Hedgehog of Billericay displays, in courtship,
+ his single prickle and does impressions of Holiday Inn desk clerks.
+ Since this means him standing motionless for enormous periods of
+ time he is often eaten in full display by The Great Bald Swamp
+ Hedgehog Eater.
+ -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
+%
+The great merit of society is to make one appreciate solitude.
+ -- Charles Chincholles, "Reflections on the Art of Life"
+%
+The Great Movie Posters:
+
+*A Giggle Gurgling Gulp of Glee*
+With Pretty Girls, Peppy Scenes, and Gorgeous Revues -- plus a good story.
+ -- Tea with a Kick (1924)
+
+Whoopie! Let's go!... Hand-picked Beauties doing cute tricks!
+GET IN THE KNOW FOR THE HEY-HEY WHOOPIE!
+ -- The Wild Party (1929)
+
+YOU HEAR HIM MAKE LOVE!
+DIX -- the dashing soldier!
+ DIX -- the bold adventurer!
+ DIX -- the throbbing lover!
+ -- The Wheel of Life (1929)
+
+SEE CHARLES BUTTERWORTH DRIVE A STREETCAR AND SING LOVE
+SONGS TO HIS MARE "MITZIE"!
+ -- The Night is Young (1934)
+%
+The Great Movie Posters:
+
+A mis-spawned murderous abomination from the nether reaches of an
+unimaginable hell.
+ -- The Killer of Castle Brood (1967)
+
+NEW -- SICKENING HORROR to make your STOMACH TURN and FLESH CRAWL!
+ -- Frankenstein's Bloody Terror (1968)
+
+LUST-MAD MEN AND LAWLESS WOMEN IN A VICIOUS AND SENTUOUS ORGY OF
+SLAUGHTER!
+ -- Five Bloody Graves (1969)
+
+The family that slays together stays together.
+ -- Bloody Mama (1970)
+%
+The Great Movie Posters:
+
+An AVALANCHE of KILLER WORMS!
+ -- Squirm (1976)
+
+Most Movies Live Less Than Two Hours.
+This Is One of Everlasting Torment!
+ -- The New House on the Left (1977)
+
+WE ARE GOING TO EAT YOU!
+ -- Zombie (1980)
+
+It's not human and it's got an axe.
+ -- The Prey (1981)
+%
+The Great Movie Posters:
+
+Different! Daring! Dynamic! Defying! Dumbfounding!
+SEE Uncle Tom lead the Negroes to FREEDOM!
+... Now, all the SENSUAL and VIOLENT passions Roots couldn't show on TV!
+ -- Uncle Tom's Cabin (1972)
+
+An appalling amalgam of carnage and carnality!
+ -- Flesh and Blood Show (1973)
+
+WHEN THE CATS ARE HUNGRY...
+RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!
+Alone, only a harmless pet...
+ One Thousand Strong, They Become a Man-Eating Machine!
+ -- The Night of a Thousand Cats (1972)
+
+They're Over-Exposed
+But Not Under-Developed!
+ -- Cover Girl Models (1976)
+%
+The Great Movie Posters:
+
+HOODLUMS FROM ANOTHER WORLD ON A RAY-GUN RAMPAGE!
+ -- Teenagers from Outher Space (1959)
+
+Which will be Her Mate... MAN OR BEAST?
+Meet Velda -- the Kind of Woman -- Man or Gorilla would kill... to Keep.
+ -- Untamed Mistress (1960)
+
+NOW AN ALL-MIGHTY ALL-NEW MOTION PICTURE BRINGS THEM TOGETHER FOR THE
+FIRST TIME... HISTORY'S MOST GIGANTIC MONSTERS IN COMBAT ATOP MOUNT FUJI!
+ -- King Kong vs. Godzilla (1963)
+%
+The Great Movie Posters:
+
+HOT STEEL BETWEEN THEIR LEGS!
+ -- The Cycle Savages (1969)
+
+The Hand that Rocks the Cradle... Has no Flesh on It!
+
+ -- Who Slew Auntie Roo? (1971)
+
+TWO GREAT BLOOD HORRORS TO RIP OUT YOUR GUTS!
+ -- I Eat Your Skin & I Drink Your Blood (1971 double-bill)
+
+They Went In People and Came Out Hamburger!
+ -- The Corpse Grinders (1971)
+%
+The Great Movie Posters:
+
+KATHERINE HEPBURN as the lying, stealing, singing, preying witch girl
+of the Ozarks... "Low down white trash"? Maybe so -- but let her hear
+you say it and she'll break your head to prove herself a lady!
+ -- Spitfire (1934)
+
+Do Native Women Live With Apes?
+ -- Love Life of a Gorilla (1937)
+
+JUNGLE KISS!!
+ When she looked into his eyes, felt his arms around her -- she
+was no longer Tura, mysterious white goddess of the jungle tribes --
+she was no longer the frozen-harted high priestess under whose hypnotic
+spell the worshippers of the great crocodile god meekly bowed -- she
+was a girl in love!
+ SEE the ravening charge of the hundred scared CROCODILES!
+ -- Her Jungle Love (1938)
+
+LOVE! HATE! JOY! FEAR! TORMENT! PANIC! SHAME! RAGE!
+ -- Intermezzo (1939)
+%
+The Great Movie Posters:
+
+POWERFUL! SHOCKING! RAW! ROUGH! CHALLENGING! SEE A LITTLE GIRL MOLESTED!
+ -- Never Take Candy from a Stranger (1963)
+
+She Sins in Mobile --
+Marries in Houston --
+Loses Her Baby in Dallas --
+Leaves Her Husband in Tuscon --
+MEETS HARRU IN SAN DIEGO!...
+FIRST -- HARLOW!
+THEN -- MONROE!
+NOW -- McCLANAHAN!!!
+ -- The Rotton Apple (1963), Rue McClanahan
+
+*NOT FOR SISSIES! DON'T COME IF YOU'RE CHICKEN!
+A Horrifying Movie of Wierd Beauties and Shocking Monsters...
+1001 WIERDEST SCENES EVER!! MOST SHOCKING THRILLER OF THE CENTURY!
+ -- Teenage Psycho meets Bloody Mary (1964) (Alternate Title:
+ The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living and
+ Became Mixed Up Zombies)
+%
+The Great Movie Posters:
+
+SCENES THAT WILL STAGGER YOUR SIGHT!
+-- DANCING CALLED GO-GO
+-- MUSIC CALLED JU-JU
+-- NARCOTICS CALLED BANGI!
+-- FIRES OF PUBERTY!
+ SEE the burning of a virgin!
+ SEE power of witch doctor over women!
+ SEE pygmies with fantastic Physical Endowments!!!
+ -- Kwaheri (1965)
+
+The Big Comedy of Nineteen-Sexty-Sex!
+ -- Boeing-Boeing (1965)
+
+AN ASTRONAUT WENT UP-
+A "GUESS WHAT" CAME DOWN!
+ The picture that comes complete with a 10-foot tall monster to
+give you the wim-wams!
+ -- Monster a Go-Go (1965)
+%
+The Great Movie Posters:
+
+SEE rebel guerrillas torn apart by trucks!
+SEE corpses cut to pieces and fed to dogs and vultures!
+SEE the monkey trained to perform nursing duties for her paralyzed owner!
+ -- Sweet and Savage (1983)
+
+What a Guy! What a Gal! What a Pair!
+ -- Stroker Ace (1983)
+
+It's always better when you come again!
+ -- Porky's II: The Next Day (1983)
+
+You Don't Have to Go to Texas for a Chainsaw Massacre!
+ -- Pieces (1983)
+%
+The Great Movie Posters:
+
+SHE TOOK ON A WHOLE GANG! A howling hellcat humping a hot steel hog
+on a roaring rampage of revenge!
+ -- Bury Me an Angel (1972)
+
+WHAT'S THE SECRET INGREDIENT USED BY THE MAD BUTCHER FOR HIS SUPERB
+SAUSAGES?
+ -- Meat is Meat (1972)
+
+TODAY the Pond!
+TOMORROW the World!
+ -- Frogs (1972)
+%
+The Great Movie Posters:
+
+She's got the biggest six-shooters in the West!
+ -- The Beautiful Blonde from Bashful Bend (1949)
+
+CAST OF 3,000!
+4 WRITERS,
+2 DIRECTORS,
+3 CAMERAMEN,
+3 PRODUCERS!
+1 YEAR TO MAKE THIS FILM --
+24 YEARS TO REHEARSE --
+20 YEARS TO DISTRIBUTE!
+ BEAUTIFUL BEYOND WORDS!
+ AWE-INSPIRING! VITAL!
+THE PRINCE OF PEACE PROVIDES THE ANSWER TO EVERY PROBLEM!
+Be Brave-bring your troubles and your family to:
+ HISTORY'S MOST SUBLIME EVENT! YOU'LL FIND GOD RIGHT IN THERE!
+ -- The Prince of Peace (1948). Starring members of the
+ Wichita Mountain Pageant featuring Millard Coody as Jesus.
+%
+The Great Movie Posters:
+
+The Miracle of the Age!!! A LION in your lap! A LOVER in your arms!
+ -- Bwana Devil (1952)
+
+OVERWHELMING! ELECTRIFYING! BAFFLING!
+Fire Can't Burn Them! Bullets Can't Kill Them! See the Unfolding of
+the Mysteries of the Moon as Murderous Robot Monsters Descend Upon the
+Earth! You've Never Seen Anything Like It! Neither Has the World!
+ SEE... Robots from Space in All Their Glory!!!
+ -- Robot Monster (1953)
+
+1,965 pyramids, 5,337 dancing girls, one million swaying bullrushes,
+802 scared bulls!
+ -- The Egyptian (1954)
+%
+The Great Movie Posters:
+
+The nightmare terror of the slithering eye that unleashed agonizing
+horror on a screaming world!
+ -- The Crawling Eye (1958)
+
+SEE a female colossus... her mountainous torso, scyscraper limbs,
+giant desires!
+ -- Attack of the Fifty-Foot Woman (1958)
+
+Here Is Your Chance To Know More About Sex.
+What Should a Movie Do? Hide It's Head in the Sand Like an Ostrich?
+Or Face the JOLTING TRUTH as does...
+ -- The Desperate Women (1958)
+%
+The Great Movie Posters:
+
+They hungered for her treasure! And died for her pleasure!
+SEE Man-Fish Battle Shark-Man-Killer!
+ -- The Golden Mistress (1954)
+
+See Jane Russell in 3-D; She'll Knock Both Your Eyes Out!
+ -- The French Line (1954)
+
+See Jane Russell Shake Her Tamborines... and Drive Cornel WILDE!
+ -- Hot Blood (1956)
+%
+The Great Movie Posters:
+
+When You're Six Tons -- And They Call You Killer -- It's Hard To Make
+Friends...
+ -- Namu, the Killer Whale (1966)
+
+Meet the Girls with the Thermo-Nuclear Navels!
+ -- Dr. Goldfoot and the Girl Bombs (1966)
+
+A GHASTLY TALE DRENCHED WITH GOUTS OF BLOOD SPURTING FROM THE VICTIMS
+OF A CRAZED MADMAN'S LUST.
+ -- A Taste of Blood (1967)
+%
+The great nations have always acted like gangsters and the small nations
+like prostitutes.
+ -- Stanley Kubrick
+%
+The great question that has never been answered and which I have not
+yet been able to answer despite my thirty years of research into the
+feminine soul is: WHAT DOES A WOMAN WANT?
+ -- Sigmund Freud
+%
+The great secret in life ... [is] not to open your letters for a fortnight.
+At the expiration of that period you will find that nearly all of them have
+answered themselves.
+ -- Arthur Binstead
+%
+The greatest disloyalty one can offer to great pioneers
+is to refuse to move an inch from where they stood.
+%
+The greatest griefs are those we cause ourselves.
+ -- Sophocles
+%
+The greatest joy a man can know is to conquer his enemies and drive them
+before him. To ride their horses and take away their possessions. To see
+the faces of those who were dear to them bedewed with tears, and to clasp
+their wives and daughters to his arms.
+ -- Genghis Khan
+%
+The greatest love is a mother's, then a dog's, then a sweetheart's.
+ -- Polish proverb
+%
+The Greatest Mathematical Error
+ The Mariner I space probe was launched from Cape Canaveral on 28
+July 1962 towards Venus. After 13 minutes' flight a booster engine would
+give acceleration up to 25,820 mph; after 44 minutes 9,800 solar cells
+would unfold; after 80 days a computer would calculate the final course
+corrections and after 100 days the craft would cirlce the unknown planet,
+scanning the mysterious cloud in which it is bathed.
+ However, with an efficiency that is truly heartening, Mariner I
+plunged into the Atlantic Ocean only four minutes after takeoff.
+ Inquiries later revealed that a minus sign had been omitted from
+the instructions fed into the computer. "It was human error", a launch
+spokesman said.
+ This minus sign cost L4,280,000.
+ -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
+%
+The greatest of faults is to be conscious of none.
+%
+The greatest productive force is human selfishness.
+ -- Robert Heinlein
+%
+The greatest remedy for anger is delay.
+%
+The groundhog is like most other prophets;
+it delivers its message and then disappears.
+%
+The happiest time in any man's life is just after the first divorce.
+ -- Galbraith
+%
+The happiest time of a person's life is after his first divorce.
+ -- J.K. Galbraith
+%
+The hardest part of climbing the ladder of
+success is getting through the crowd at the bottom.
+%
+The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax.
+ -- Albert Einstein
+%
+The hardest thing is to disguise your feelings when
+you put a lot of relatives on the train for home.
+%
+The hater of property and of government takes care to have his warranty
+deed recorded, and the book written against fame and learning has the
+author's name on the title page.
+ -- Ralph Waldo Emerson, Journals, 1831
+%
+The hatred of relatives is the most violent.
+ -- Tacitus (c.55 - c.117)
+%
+The health of a democratic society may be measured by the quality
+of functions performed by private citizens.
+ -- Alexis de Tocqueville
+%
+The hearing ear is always found close to the speaking tongue, a custom
+whereof the memory of man runneth not howsomever to the contrary, nohow.
+%
+The heart has its reasons which reason knows nothing of.
+ -- Blaise Pascal
+%
+The heart is wiser than the intellect.
+%
+...the heat come 'round and busted me for smiling on a cloudy day.
+%
+The heaviest object in the world is the
+body of the woman you have ceased to love.
+ -- Marquis de Lac de Clapiers Vauvenargues
+%
+The Heineken Uncertainty Principle:
+ You can never be sure how many beers you had last night.
+%
+"The hell with the prime directive! Let's kill something!"
+%
+The help people need most urgently is
+help in admitting that they need help.
+%
+The herd instinct among economists
+makes sheep look like independent thinkers.
+%
+The heroic hours of life do not announce their presence by drum and trumpet,
+challenging us to be true to ourselves by appeals to the martial spirit that
+keeps the blood at heat. Some little, unassuming, unobtrusive choice presents
+itself before us slyly and craftily, glib and insinuating, in the modest garb
+of innocence. To yield to its blandishments is so easy. The wrong, it seems,
+is venial... Then it is that you will be summoned to show the courage of
+adventurous youth.
+ -- Benjamin Cardozo
+%
+The higher you climb, the more you show your ass.
+ -- Alexander Pope, "The Dunciad"
+%
+The History of every major Galactic Civilization tends to pass through
+three distinct and recognizable phases, those of Survival, Inquiry, and
+Sophistication, otherwise known as the How, Why, and Where phases. For
+instance, the first phase is characterized by the question "How can we
+eat?" the second by "Why do we eat?" and the third by "Where shall we
+have lunch?".
+ -- Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
+%
+The history of warfare is similarly subdivided, although here the phases
+are Retribution, Anticipation, and Diplomacy. Thus:
+
+Retribution:
+ I'm going to kill you because you killed my brother.
+Anticipation:
+ I'm going to kill you because I killed your brother.
+Diplomacy:
+ I'm going to kill my brother and then kill you on the
+ pretext that your brother did it.
+%
+The Hollywood tradition I like best is called "sucking up to the stars."
+ -- Johnny Carson
+%
+The honeymoon is not actually over until we cease
+to stifle our sighs and begin to stifle our yawns.
+ -- Helen Rowland
+%
+The honeymoon is over when he phones to say he'll be late for supper and
+she's already left a note that it's in the refrigerator.
+ -- Bill Lawrence
+%
+The horror... the horror!
+%
+The human animal differs from the lesser
+primates in his passion for lists of "Ten Best".
+ -- H. Allen Smith
+%
+The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment
+you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.
+ -- Sir George Jessel
+%
+The human mind ordinarily operates at only ten percent of
+its capacity -- the rest is overhead for the operating system.
+%
+The human mind treats a new idea the way the
+body treats a strange protein: it rejects it.
+ -- P. Medawar
+%
+The human race has been fascinated by sharks for as long as I can remember.
+Just like the bluebird feeding its young, or the spider struggling to weave
+its perfect web, or the buttercup blooming in spring, the shark reveals to
+us yet another of the infinite and wonderful facets of nature, namely the
+facet that it can bite your head off. This causes us humans to feel a
+certain degree of awe.
+ -- Dave Barry, "The Wonders of Sharks on TV"
+%
+The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter.
+ -- Mark Twain
+%
+The human race never solves any of its problems. It merely outlives them.
+ -- David Gerrold
+%
+The husband who doesn't tell his wife everything probably reasons
+that what she doesn't know won't hurt him.
+ -- Leo J. Burke
+%
+The IBM 2250 is impressive ...
+if you compare it with a system selling for a tenth its price.
+ -- D. Cohen
+%
+The IBM purchase of ROLM gives new meaning to the term "twisted pair".
+ -- Howard Anderson, "Yankee Group"
+%
+The idea that an arbitrary naive human should be able to properly use a given
+tool without training or understanding is even more wrong for computing than
+it is for other tools (e.g. automobiles, airplanes, guns, power saws).
+ -- Doug Gwyn
+%
+The ideal voice for radio may be defined as showing no substance,
+no sex, no owner, and a message of importance for every housewife.
+ -- Harry V. Wade
+%
+The ideas of economists and political philosophers, both when they
+are right and when they are wrong, are more powerful than is generally
+understood. Indeed, the world is ruled by little else.
+ -- John Maynard Keyes
+%
+The idle man does not know what it is to enjoy rest.
+%
+The idle mind knows not what it is it wants.
+ -- Quintus Ennius
+%
+The illegal we do immediately. The unconstitutional takes a little longer.
+ -- Henry Kissinger
+%
+The Illiterati Programus Canto 1:
+ A program is a lot like a nose:
+ Sometimes it runs, and sometimes it blows.
+%
+The important thing is not to stop questioning.
+%
+The important thing to remember about walking on eggs is not to hop.
+%
+The income tax has made more liars out of the American people than
+golf has.
+ -- The Best of Will Rogers
+%
+The individual choice of garnishment of a burger can be an important
+point to the consumer in this day when individualism is an increasingly
+important thing to people.
+ -- Donald N. Smith, president of Burger King
+%
+The infliction of cruelty with a good conscience is
+a delight to moralists. That is why they invented hell.
+ -- Bertrand Russell
+%
+The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of blessings;
+the inherent virtue of socialism is the equal sharing of misery.
+ -- Churchill
+%
+The instruments of science do not in themselves discover truth. And
+there are searchings that are not concluded by the coincidence of a
+pointer and a mark.
+ -- Fred Saberhagen, "The Berserker Wars"
+%
+The introduction of a new kind of music must be shunned as imperiling
+the whole state, for styles of music are never disturbed without
+affecting the most important political institutions. ... The new
+style, gradually gaining a lodgement, quitely insinuates itself into
+manners and customs, and from it ... goes on to attack laws and
+constitutions, displaying the utmost impudence, until it ends by
+overturning everything.
+ -- Plato, "Republic", 370 B.C.
+%
+The IQ of the group is the lowest IQ of a member of
+the group divided by the number of people in the group.
+%
+The Israelis are the Doberman pinschers of the Middle East. They
+treat the Arabs like postmen.
+ -- Franklyn Ajaye
+%
+The Israelites were all waiting anxiously at the foot of the mountain,
+knowing that Moses had had a tough day negotiating with God over the
+Commandments. Finally a tired Moses came into sight.
+ "I've got some good news and some bad news, folks," he said. "The
+good news is that I got Him down to ten. The bad news is that adultery's
+still in."
+%
+"The jig's up, Elman."
+"Which jig?"
+ -- Jeff Elman
+%
+The Junior God now heads the roll
+In the list of heaven's peers;
+He sits in the House of High Control,
+And he regulates the spheres.
+Yet does he wonder, do you suppose,
+If, even in gods divine,
+The best and wisest may not be those
+Who have wallowed awhile with the swine?
+ -- R.W. Service
+%
+The justifications for drug testing are part of the presently fashionable
+debate concerning restoring America's "competitiveness." Drugs, it has been
+revealed, are responsible for rampant absenteeism, reduced output, and poor
+quality work. But is drug testing in fact rationally related to the
+resurrection of competitiveness? Will charging the atmosphere of the
+workplace with the fear of excretory betrayal honestly spur productivity?
+Much noise has been made about rehabilitating the worker using drugs, but
+to date the vast majority of programs end with the simple firing or the not
+hiring of the abuser. This practice may exacerbate, not alleviate, the
+nation's productivity problem. If economic rehabilitation is the ultimate
+goal of drug testing, then criteria abandoning the rehabilitation of the
+drug-using worker is the purest of hypocrisy and the worst of rationalization.
+ -- The concluding paragraph of "Constitutional Law: The
+ Fourth Amendment and Drug Testing in the Workplace,"
+ Tim Moore, Harvard Journal of Law & Public Policy, vol.
+ 10, No. 3 (Summer 1987), pp. 762-768.
+%
+The Kennedy Constant:
+ Don't get mad -- get even.
+%
+The key elements in human thinking are not numbers but labels of fuzzy sets.
+ -- L. Zadeh
+%
+The key to building a superstar is to keep their mouth shut. To reveal
+an artist to the people can be to destroy him. It isn't to anyone's
+advantage to see the truth.
+ -- Bob Ezrin, rock music producer
+%
+The Killer Ducks are coming!!!
+%
+The kind of danger people most enjoy is
+the kind they can watch from a safe place.
+%
+The King and his advisor are overlooking the battle field:
+
+King: "How goes the battle plan?"
+Advisor: "See those little black specks running to the right?"
+K: "Yes."
+A: "Those are their guys. And all those little red specks running
+ to the left are our guys. Then when they collide we wait till
+ the dust clears."
+K: "And?"
+A: "If there are more red specks left than black specks, we win."
+K: "But what about the
+^#!!$% battle plan?"
+A: "So far, it seems to be going according to specks."
+%
+The knowledge that makes us cherish
+innocence makes innocence unattainable.
+ -- Irving Howe
+%
+The Kosher Dill was invented in 1723 by Joe Kosher and Sam Dill. It is
+the single most popular pickle variety today, enjoyed throughout the free
+world by man, woman and child alike. An astounding 350 billion kosher
+dills are eaten each year, averaging out to almost 1/4 pickle per person
+per day. New York Times food critic Mimi Sheraton says "The kosher dill
+really changed my life. I used to enjoy eating McDonald's hamburgers and
+drinking Iron City Lite, and then I encountered the kosher dill pickle.
+I realized that there was far more to haute cuisine then I'd ever imagined.
+And now, just look at me."
+%
+The ladies men admire, I've heard,
+Would shudder at a wicked word.
+Their candle gives a single light;
+They'd rather stay at home at night.
+They do not keep awake till three,
+Nor read erotic poetry.
+They never sanction the impure,
+Nor recognize an overture.
+They shrink from powders and from paints...
+So far, I've had no complaints.
+ -- Dorothy Parker
+%
+The language of politics is poetry, not prose. Jackson is poetry.
+Cuomo is poetry. Dukakis is a word processor.
+ -- Richard M. Nixon, on Meet the Press, April, 1988
+%
+The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for
+everything that goes wrong -- until the next person quits or is fired.
+%
+The last person that quit or was fired will be the held responsible
+for everything that goes wrong -- until the next person quits or is
+fired.
+%
+The last person who said that (God rest his soul) lived to regret it.
+%
+The last thing one knows in constructing a work is what to put first.
+ -- Blaise Pascal
+%
+The last time I saw him he was walking down Lover's Lane holding his own
+hand.
+ -- Fred Allen
+%
+The last time somebody said, "I find I can write much better with a word
+processor.", I replied, "They used to say the same thing about drugs."
+ -- Roy Blount, Jr.
+%
+The last vestiges of the old Republic have been swept away.
+ -- Governor Tarkin
+%
+The Law, in its majestic equality, forbids the rich, as well as the poor,
+to sleep under the bridges, to beg in the streets, and to steal bread.
+ -- Anatole France
+%
+The Law of Probable Dispersal:
+ That which hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
+%
+The Law of the Letter:
+ The best way to inspire fresh thoughts is to seal the envelope.
+%
+The Law of the Perversity of Nature:
+ You cannot determine beforehand which side of the bread to butter.
+%
+The lawgiver, of all beings, most owes the law allegiance. He of all men
+should behave as though the law compelled him. But it is the universal
+weakness of mankind that what we are given to administer we presently imagine
+we own.
+ -- H.G. Wells
+%
+The Least Perceptive Literary Critic
+ The most important critic in our field of study is Lord Halifax. A
+most individual judge of poetry, he once invited Alexander Pope round to
+give a public reading of his latest poem.
+ Pope, the leading poet of his day, was greatly surprised when Lord
+Halifax stopped him four or five times and said, "I beg your pardon, Mr.
+Pope, but there is something in that passage that does not quite please me."
+ Pope was rendered speechless, as this fine critic suggested sizeable
+and unwise emendations to his latest masterpiece. "Be so good as to mark
+the place and consider at your leisure. I'm sure you can give it a better
+turn."
+ After the reading, a good friend of Lord Halifax, a certain Dr.
+Garth, took the stunned Pope to one side. "There is no need to touch the
+lines," he said. "All you need do is leave them just as they are, call on
+Lord Halifax two or three months hence, thank him for his kind observation
+on those passages, and then read them to him as altered. I have known him
+much longer than you have, and will be answerable for the event."
+ Pope took his advice, called on Lord Hallifax and read the poem
+exactly as it was before. His unique critical faculties had lost none of
+their edge. "Ay", he commented, "now they are perfectly right. Nothing can
+be better."
+ -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
+%
+The Least Successful Animal Rescue
+ The firemen's strike of 1978 made possible one of the great animal
+rescue attempts of all time. Valiantly, the British Army had taken over
+emergency firefighting and on 14 January they were called out by an elderly
+lady in South London to retrieve her cat which had become trapped up a
+tree. They arrived with impressive haste and soon discharged their duty.
+So grateful was the lady that she invited them all in for tea. Driving off
+later, with fond farewells completed, they ran over the cat and killed it.
+ -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
+%
+The Least Successful Collector
+ Betsy Baker played a central role in the history of collecting. She
+was employed as a servant in the house of John Warburton (1682-1759) who had
+amassed a fine collection of 58 first edition plays, including most of the
+works of Shakespeare.
+ One day Warburton returned home to find 55 of them charred beyond
+legibility. Betsy had either burned them or used them as pie bottoms. The
+remaining three folios are now in the British Museum.
+ The only comparable literary figure was the maid who in 1835 burned
+the manuscript of the first volume of Thomas Carlyle's "The Hisory of the
+French Revolution", thinking it was wastepaper.
+ -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
+%
+The Least Successful Defrosting Device
+ The all-time record here is held by Mr. Peter Rowlands of Lancaster
+whose lips became frozen to his lock in 1979 while blowing warm air on it.
+ "I got down on my knees to breathe into the lock. Somehow my lips
+got stuck fast."
+ While he was in the posture, an old lady passed an inquired if he
+was all right. "Alra? Igmmlptk", he replied at which point she ran away.
+ "I tried to tell her what had happened, but it came out sort of...
+muffled," explained Mr. Rowlands, a pottery designer.
+ He was trapped for twenty minutes ("I felt a bit foolish") until
+constant hot breathing brought freedom. He was subsequently nicknamed "Hot
+Lips".
+ -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
+%
+The Least Successful Equal Pay Advertisement
+ In 1976 the European Economic Community pointed out to the Irish
+Government that it had not yet implemented the agreed sex equality
+legislation. The Dublin Government immediately advertised for an equal pay
+enforcement officer. The advertisement offered different salary scales for
+men and women.
+ -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
+%
+The Least Successful Executions
+ History has furnished us with two executioners worthy of attention.
+The first performed in Sydney in Australia. In 1803 three attempts were
+made to hang a Mr. Joseph Samuels. On the first two of these the rope
+snapped, while on the third Mr. Samuels just hung there peacefully until he
+and everyone else got bored. Since he had proved unsusceptible to capital
+punishment, he was reprieved.
+ The most important British executioner was Mr. James Berry who
+tried three times in 1885 to hang Mr. John Lee at Exeter Jail, but on each
+occasion failed to get the trap door open.
+ In recognition of this achievement, the Home Secretary commuted
+Lee's sentence to "life" imprisonment. He was released in 1917, emigrated
+to America and lived until 1933.
+ -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
+%
+The Least Successful Police Dogs
+ America has a very strong candidate in "La Dur", a fearsome looking
+schnauzer hound, who was retired from the Orlando police force in Florida
+in 1978. He consistently refused to do anything which might ruffle or
+offend the criminal classes.
+ His handling officer, Rick Grim, had to admit: "He just won't go up
+and bite them. I got sick and tired of doing that dog's work for him."
+ The British contenders in this category, however, took things a
+stage further. "Laddie" and "Boy" were trained as detector dogs for drug
+raids. Their employment was terminated following a raid in the Midlands in
+1967.
+ While the investigating officer questioned two suspects, they
+patted and stroked the dogs who eventually fell asleep in front of the
+fire. When the officer moved to arrest the suspects, one dog growled at
+him while the other leapt up and bit his thigh.
+ -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
+%
+The less a statesman amounts to, the more he loves the flag.
+ -- Kin Hubbard
+%
+The less time planning, the more time programming.
+%
+THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #10 -- SIMPLE
+
+ SIMPLE is an acronym for Sheer Idiot's Monopurpose Programming
+Language Environment. This language, developed at the Hanover College
+for Technological Misfits, was designed to make it impossible to write
+code with errors in it. The statements are, therefore, confined to BEGIN,
+END and STOP. No matter how you arrange the statements, you can't make a
+syntax error. Programs written in SIMPLE do nothing useful, thus achieving
+the results of programs written in other languages without the tedious,
+frustrating process of testing and debugging.
+%
+THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #12 -- LITHP
+
+ This otherwise unremarkable language, originally developed in San
+Francisco, is distinguished by the absence of an "S" in its character set;
+users must substitute "TH". LITHP is thaid to be utheful in protheththing
+lithtth.
+%
+THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #13 -- SLOBOL
+
+ SLOBOL is best known for the speed, or lack of it, of its compiler.
+Although many compilers allow you to take a coffee break while they compile,
+SLOBOL compilers allow you to travel to Bolivia to pick the beans. Forty-
+three programmers are known to have died of boredom sitting at their terminals
+while waiting for a SLOBOL program to compile. Weary SLOBOL programmers
+often turn to a related (but infinitely faster) language, COCAINE.
+%
+THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #14 -- VALGOL
+
+ VALGOL is enjoying a dramatic surge of popularity across the
+industry. VALGOL commands include REALLY, LIKE, WELL, and Y*KNOW.
+Variables are assigned with the =LIKE and =TOTALLY operators. Other
+operators include the "California booleans", AX and NOWAY. Loops are
+accomplished with the FOR SURE construct. A simple example:
+
+ LIKE, Y*KNOW(I MEAN)START
+ IF PIZZA =LIKE BITCHEN AND
+ GUY =LIKE TUBULAR AND
+ VALLEY GIRL =LIKE GRODY**MAX(FERSURE)**2
+ THEN
+ FOR I =LIKE 1 TO OH*MAYBE 100
+ DO*WAH - (DITTY**2); BARF(I)=TOTALLY GROSS(OUT)
+ SURE
+ LIKE, BAG THIS PROGRAM; REALLY; LIKE TOTALLY(Y*KNOW); IM*SURE
+ GOTO THE MALL
+
+ VALGOL is also characterized by its unfriendly error messages. For
+example, when the user makes a syntax error, the interpreter displays the
+message GAG ME WITH A SPOON! A successful compile may be termed MAXIMALLY
+AWESOME!
+%
+THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #17 -- DOGO
+
+ Developed at the Massachusetts Institute of Obedience Training, DOGO
+DOGO heralds a new era of computer-literate pets. DOGO commands include
+SIT, STAY, HEEL, and ROLL OVER. An innovative feature of DOGO is "puppy
+graphics", a small cocker spaniel that occasionally leaves a deposit as
+it travels across the screen.
+%
+THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #17 -- SARTRE
+
+ Named after the late existential philosopher, SARTRE is an extremely
+unstructured language. Statements in SARTRE have no purpose; they just are.
+Thus SARTRE programs are left to define their own functions. SARTRE
+programmers tend to be boring and depressed, and are no fun at parties.
+%
+THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #18 -- C-
+
+ This language was named for the grade received by its creator when
+he submitted it as a class project in a graduate programming class. C- is
+best described as a "low-level" programming language. In fact, the language
+generally requires more C- statements than machine-code statements to execute
+a given task. In this respect, it is very similar to COBOL.
+%
+THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #18 -- FIFTH
+
+ FIFTH is a precision mathematical language in which the data types
+refer to quantity. The data types range from CC, OUNCE, SHOT, and JIGGER to
+FIFTH (hence the name of the language), LITER, MAGNUM and BLOTTO. Commands
+refer to ingredients such as CHABLIS, CHARDONNAY, CABERNET, GIN, VERMOUTH,
+VODKA, SCOTCH, BOURBON, and WHATEVERSAROUND.
+ The many versions of the FIFTH language reflect the sophistication and
+financial status of its users. Commands in the ELITE dialect include VSOP and
+LAFITE, while commands in the GUTTER dialect include HOOTCH, THUNDERBIRD,
+RIPPLE and HOUSERED. The latter is a favorite of frustrated FORTH programmers
+who end up using this language.
+%
+THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #5 -- LAIDBACK
+
+ LAIDBACK was developed at the (now defunct) Marin County Center for
+T'ai Chi, Mellowness and Computer Programming, as an alternative to the more
+intense languages of nearby Silicon Valley.
+ The Center was ideal for programmers who liked to soak in hot tubs
+while they worked. Unfortunately, few programmers could survive there long,
+since the Center outlawed pizza and RC Cola in favor of bean curd and Perrier.
+ Many mourn the demise of LAIDBACK because of its reputation as a
+gentle and nonthreatening language. For example, LAIDBACK responded to
+syntax errors with the message SORRY MAN, I JUST CAN'T DEAL BEHIND THAT.
+%
+The liberals can understand everything but people who don't understand them.
+ -- Lenny Bruce
+%
+The life which is unexamined is not worth living.
+ -- Plato
+%
+The light of a hundred stars does not equal the light of the moon.
+%
+The lion and the calf shall lie down
+together but the calf won't get much sleep.
+ -- Woody Allen
+%
+The little girl expects no declaration of tenderness from her doll.
+She loves it -- and that's all. It is thus that we should love.
+ -- DeGourmont
+%
+The little pieces of my life I give to you,
+with love, to make a quilt to keep away the cold.
+%
+The little town that time forgot,
+Where all the women are strong,
+The men are good-looking,
+And the children above-average.
+ -- Prairie Home Companion
+%
+The local minister noticed a little girl standing outside of his
+door with a basket of kittens.
+ "Hello, little girl, what do you have there?"
+ "These are my Democratic kittens," she replied.
+Amused, the pastor said nothing. Two weeks later he saw the same little
+girl with (apparently) the same basket of kittens.
+ "My, I see you still have your Democratic kittens.", he said.
+ "No, you see, these are Republican kittens," she answered.
+ "Two weeks ago they were Democratic kittens," he replied, puzzled.
+ "Two weeks ago they had their eyes closed."
+%
+The `loner' may be respected, but he is always resented by his colleagues,
+for he seems to be passing a critical judgment on them, when he may be
+simply making a limiting statement about himself.
+ -- Sidney Harris
+%
+The longer I am out of office, the more infallible I appear to myself.
+ -- Henry Kissinger
+%
+The longer the title, the less important the job.
+%
+The longest part of the journey is said to be the passing of the gate.
+ -- Marcus Terentius Varro
+%
+The Lord gave us farmers two strong hands so we
+could grab as much as we could with both of them.
+ -- Major Major's father
+%
+The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away.
+Indian Giver be the name of the Lord.
+%
+The Lord prefers common-looking people. That is the reason that He makes
+so many of them.
+ -- Abraham Lincoln
+%
+The louder he talked of his honour, the faster we counted our spoons.
+ -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
+%
+The lovely woman-child Kaa was mercilessly chained to the cruel post of
+the warrior-chief Beast, with his barbarian tribe now stacking wood at
+her nubile feet, when the strong clear voice of the poetic and heroic
+Handsomas roared, 'Flick your Bic, crisp that chick, and you'll feel my
+steel through your last meal!'
+ -- Winning sentence, 1984 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest.
+%
+The luck that is ordained for you will be coveted by others.
+%
+The lunatic, the lover, and the poet,
+Are of imagination all compact...
+ -- Wm. Shakespeare, "A Midsummer Night's Dream"
+%
+The Macintosh is Xerox technology at its best.
+%
+The magic of our first love is our ignorance that it can ever end.
+ -- Benjamin Disraeli
+%
+The main problem I have with cats is, they're not dogs.
+ -- Kevin Cowherd
+%
+The major advances in civilization are processes
+that all but wreck the societies in which they occur.
+ -- A.N. Whitehead
+%
+The major difference between bonds and bond traders is that the
+bonds will eventually mature.
+%
+The major sin is the sin of being born.
+ -- Samuel Beckett
+%
+The majority of husbands remind me of an orangutang trying to play
+the violin.
+ -- Honore de Balzac
+%
+The majority of the stupid is invincible and guaranteed for all time.
+The terror of their tyranny, however, is alleviated by their lack of
+consistency.
+ -- Albert Einstein
+%
+The makers may make,
+And the users may use,
+But the fixers must fix
+With but minimal clues.
+%
+The man she had was kind and clean
+And well enough for every day,
+But oh, dear friends, you should have seen
+The one that got away.
+ -- Dorothy Parker, "The Fisherwoman"
+%
+The Man Who Almost Invented The Vacuum Cleaner
+ The man officially credited with inventing the vacuum cleaner is
+Hubert Cecil Booth. However, he got the idea from a man who almost
+invented it.
+ In 1901 Booth visited a London music-hall. On the bill was an
+American inventor with his wonder machine for removing dust from carpets.
+ The machine comprised a box about one foot square with a bag on top.
+After watching the act -- which made everyone in the front six rows sneeze
+-- Booth went round to the inventor's dressing room.
+ "It should suck not blow," said Booth, coming straight to the
+point. "Suck?", exclaimed the enraged inventor. "Your machine just moves
+the dust around the room," Booth informed him. "Suck? Suck? Sucking is
+not possible," was the inventor's reply and he stormed out. Booth proved
+that it was by the simple expedient of kneeling down, pursing his lips and
+sucking the back of an armchair. "I almost choked," he said afterwards.
+ -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
+%
+The man who follows the crowd will usually get no further than the crowd.
+The man who walks alone is likely to find himself in places no one has ever
+been.
+ -- Alan Ashley-Pitt
+%
+The man who has never been flogged has never been taught.
+ -- Menander
+%
+The man who laughs has not yet been told the terrible news.
+ -- Bertolt Brecht
+%
+The man who raises a fist has run out of ideas.
+ -- H.G. Wells, "Time After Time"
+%
+The man who runs may fight again.
+ -- Menander
+%
+The man who sees, on New Year's day, Mount
+Fuji, a hawk, and an eggplant is forever blessed.
+ -- Old Japanese proverb
+%
+The man who sets out to carry a cat by its tail learns something that
+will always be useful and which never will grow dim or doubtful.
+ -- Mark Twain
+%
+The man who understands one woman is
+qualified to understand pretty well everything.
+ -- Yeats
+%
+The man with the best job in the country is the Vice President. All he has
+to do is get up every morning and say, "How's the President?"
+ -- Will Rogers
+
+The vice-presidency ain't worth a pitcher of warm spit.
+ -- Vice President John Nance Garner
+%
+The Marines:
+ The few, the proud, the dead on the beach.
+%
+The Marines:
+ The few, the proud, the not very bright.
+%
+The mark of a good party is that you wake up the next morning
+wanting to change your name and start a new life in different city.
+ -- Vance Bourjaily, "Esquire"
+%
+The mark of the immature man is that he wants to die nobly for a cause,
+while the mark of a mature man is that he wants to live humbly for one.
+ -- Wilhelm Stekel
+%
+The mark of your ignorance is the depth of your belief in injustice
+and tragedy. What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the
+master calls a butterfly.
+ -- Messiah's Handbook : Reminders for the Advanced Soul
+%
+The marriage of Marxism and feminism has been like the marriage of
+husband and wife depicted in English common law: Marxism and feminism
+are one, and that one is marxism.
+ -- Heidi Hartmann,
+ "The Unhappy Marriage of Marxism and Feminism"
+%
+The Martian Canals were clearly the Martian's last ditch effort!
+%
+The marvels of today's modern technology include the development of a
+soda can, which, when discarded will last forever -- and a $7,000 car
+which, when properly cared for, will rust out in two or three years.
+%
+The mate for beauty should be a man and not a money chest.
+ -- Bulwer
+%
+The mature bohemian is one whose woman works full time.
+%
+The means-and-ends moralists, or non-doers,
+always end up on their ends without any means.
+ -- Saul Alinsky
+%
+The meat is rotten, but the booze is holding out.
+Computer translation of "The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak."
+%
+The meek don't want it.
+%
+The meek inherit the earth -- usually in small sections... about 6 by 3.
+%
+The meek shall inherit the earth -- they are too weak to refuse.
+%
+The meek shall inherit the earth; but by that
+time there won't be anything left worth inheriting.
+%
+The meek shall inherit the earth, but *not* its mineral rights.
+ -- J.P. Getty
+%
+The meek shall inherit the earth; the rest of us, the Universe.
+%
+The meek shall inherit the earth; the rest of us will go to the stars.
+%
+The meek shall inherit the Earth.
+(But they're gonna have to fight for it.)
+%
+The meek will inherit the earth -- if that's OK with you.
+%
+The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two
+chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed.
+ -- Carl Jung
+%
+[The members of the Chamberlain government] are decided only to be
+undecided, resolved to be irresolute, adamant for drift, all-powerful
+for impotency.
+ -- W. Churchill
+%
+The men sat sipping their tea in silence. After a while the klutz said,
+ "Life is like a bowl of sour cream."
+ "Like a bowl of sour cream?" asked the other. "Why?"
+ "How should I know? What am I, a philosopher?"
+%
+The minute a man is convinced that he is interesting, he isn't.
+%
+The mirror sees the man as beautiful, the mirror loves the man; another
+mirror sees the man as frightful and hates him; and it is always the same
+being who produces the impressions.
+ -- Marquis D.A.F. de Sade
+%
+The misnaming of fields of study is so common as to lead to what might be
+general systems laws. For example, Frank Harary once suggested the law that
+any field that had the word "science" in its name was guaranteed thereby
+not to be a science. He would cite as examples Military Science, Library
+Science, Political Science, Homemaking Science, Social Science, and Computer
+Science. Discuss the generality of this law, and possible reasons for its
+predictive power.
+ -- Gerald Weinberg, "An Introduction to General Systems
+ Thinking"
+%
+The Modelski Chain Rule:
+1: Look intently at the problem for several minutes. Scratch your
+ head at 20-30 second intervals. Try solving the problem on your
+ Hewlett-Packard.
+2: Failing this, look around at the class. Select a particularly
+ bright-looking individual.
+3: Procure a large chain.
+4: Walk over to the selected student and threaten to beat him severely
+ with the chain unless he gives you the answer to the problem.
+ Generally, he will. It may also be a good idea to give him a sound
+ thrashing anyway, just to show you mean business.
+%
+"The molars, I'm sure, will be all right, the molars can take care of
+themselves," the old man said, no longer to me. "But what will become
+of the bicuspids?"
+ -- The Old Man and his Bridge
+%
+The mome rath isn't born that could outgrabe me.
+ -- Nicol Williamson
+%
+The moon is made of green cheese.
+ -- John Heywood
+%
+The moon may be smaller than Earth, but it's further away.
+%
+The Moral Majority is neither.
+%
+The more complex the mind, the greater
+the need for the simplicity of play.
+ -- Captain Kirk, "Shore Leave"
+%
+The more control, the more that requires control.
+%
+The more cordial the buyers secretary, the greater
+the odds that the competition already has the order.
+%
+The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.
+%
+The more data I punch in this card, the lighter it becomes, and the
+lower the mailing cost.
+ -- S. Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary"
+%
+The more he talked of his honor the faster we counted our spoons.
+ -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
+%
+The more I know men the more I like my horse.
+%
+The more I see of men the more I admire dogs.
+ -- Mme De Sevigne, 1626-1696
+%
+The more I want to get something done, the less I call it work.
+ -- Richard Bach, "Illusions"
+%
+The more laws and order are made prominent,
+the more thieves and robbers there will be.
+ -- Lao Tsu
+%
+The more pretentious a corporate name, the smaller the organization. (For
+instance, The Murphy Center for Codification of Human and Organizational Law,
+contrasted to IBM, GM, AT&T ...)
+%
+The more the merrier.
+ -- John Heywood
+%
+The more they over-think the plumbing
+the easier it is to stop up the drain.
+%
+The more things change, the more they remain the same.
+ -- Alphonse Karr
+%
+The more things change, the more they stay insane.
+%
+The more things change, the more they'll never be the same again.
+%
+The more we disagree, the more chance
+there is that at least one of us is right.
+%
+The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.
+%
+The more you sweat in peace, the less you bleed in war.
+%
+The Moscow Evening News advertised a contest for the best political joke.
+First prize was ten years in prison; second prize, five years; third prize,
+three years; and there were six honorable mentions of one year each.
+%
+The mosquito exists to keep the mighty humble.
+%
+The moss on the tree does not fear the talons of the hawk.
+%
+The most advantageous, pre-eminent thing thou canst do is not to
+exhibit nor display thyself within the limits of our galaxy, but
+rather depart instantaneously whence thou even now standest and
+flee to yet another rotten planet in the universe, if thou canst
+have the good fortune to find one.
+ -- Carlyle
+%
+The most common given name in the world is Mohammad; the most common
+family name in the world is Chang. Can you imagine the enormous number
+of people in the world named Mohammad Chang?
+ -- Derek Wills
+%
+The most costly of all follies is to believe passionately
+in the palpably not true. It is the chief occupation of mankind.
+ -- H.L. Mencken
+%
+The most dangerous food is wedding cake.
+ -- American proverb
+%
+The most dangerous organization in America today is:
+
+ a) The KKK
+ b) The American Nazi Party
+ c) The Delta Frequent Flyer Club
+%
+The most delightful day after the one on which you buy a cottage in
+the country is the one on which you resell it.
+ -- J. Brecheux
+%
+The most difficult thing about surviving AIDS
+is trying to convince your parents that you're Haitian.
+%
+The most difficult thing in the world is to know how to do a
+thing and to watch someone else doing it wrong, without commenting.
+ -- T.H. White
+%
+The most difficult years of marriage are those following the wedding.
+%
+The most disagreeable thing that your worst enemy says to your face does
+not approach what your best friends say behind your back.
+ -- Alfred De Musset
+%
+The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new
+discoveries, is not "Eureka!" (I found it!) but "That's funny ..."
+ -- Isaac Asimov
+%
+The most exquisite peak in culinary art is conquered when you do right by a
+ham, for a ham, in the very nature of the process it has undergone since last
+it walked on its own feet, combines in its flavor the tang of smoky autumnal
+woods, the maternal softness of earthy fields delivered of their crop children,
+the wineyness of a late sun, the intimate kiss of fertilizing rain, and the
+bite of fire. You must slice it thin, almost as thin as this page you hold
+in your hands. The making of a ham dinner, like the making of a gentleman,
+starts a long, long time before the event.
+ -- W.B. Courtney, "Reflections of Maryland Country Ham",
+ from "Congress Eate It Up"
+%
+...the most exquisitely squalid hells known to middle-class man:
+freshman English at a Midwestern university.
+ -- Tom Wolfe
+%
+The most happy marriage I can imagine to myself would be the union
+of a deaf man to a blind woman.
+ -- Samuel Taylor Coleridge
+%
+The most hopelessly stupid man is he who is not aware that he is wise.
+%
+The most important early product on the way
+to developing a good product is an imperfect version.
+%
+The most important service rendered by the press is that of educating
+people to approach printed matter with distrust.
+%
+The most important thing in a relationship between a man and a woman
+is that one of them be good at taking orders.
+ -- Linda Festa
+%
+The most important things, each person must do for himself.
+%
+The most popular labor-saving device today is still a husband with money.
+ -- Joey Adams, "Cindy and I"
+%
+The most recent attempt to revive the moribund campus left, a national
+conference held at Rutgers University February 5-7, ended when the
+participants decided that they were too racist to found a new national
+organization.
+ The stated goal of the conference was the formation of a national
+organization that would "give expression to a shared consciousness." The
+orientation materials declared that this was "a historic moment" -- you
+know, like Port Huron and the Sixties -- and the Rutgers host committee had
+every reason to expect their goal would be accomplished.
+ But it was not to be. Given that this was a conference of *New*
+New Leftists, reason had nothing to do with it.
+ A revealing article by Vania del Borgo and Maria Margaronis in "The
+Nation", ["Beyond the Fragments," 3/26/88] says "The defining moment of the
+weekend came when the conference was almost at its end. On Sunday morning,
+a twenty-five-member students of color caucus confronted the assembled body
+with its overwhelming whiteness..." Joined by the Gay & Bisexual Caucus, the
+Students of Color Caucus declared that the founding of such an overwhelmingly
+white organization would itself constitute a racist act. The four hundred or
+so leftist activists were told that they had no right to ratify a constitution
+or elect any officers. While recognizing "the need to examine the real
+possibilities of a broad-based, racially diverse student movement" and paying
+lip service to the need for "dialogue," they threatened to walk out if their
+demands were not met. As *The Nation* article describes the scene: "To their
+astonishment, their intervention was greeted with a standing ovation." Handed
+an ultimatum which demanded that they disband, this would-be successor to the
+radical student movements of the Sixties promptly voted itself out of
+existence. As del Borgo and Margaronis put it, "After much chaotic discussion
+and a confused voice vote, the convention suspended all its other work and
+broke into regional groups to discuss 'outreach.'"
+ -- Libertarian Agenda, May 1988
+%
+The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she
+served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never
+been found.
+ -- Calvin Trillin
+%
+The most serious doubt that has been thrown on the authenticity of the
+biblical miracles is the fact that most of the witnesses in regard to
+them were fishermen.
+ -- Arthur Binstead
+%
+The Most Unsuccessful Version Of The Bible
+ The most exciting version of the Bible was printed in 1631 by Robert
+Barker and Martin Lucas, the King's printers at London. It contained
+several mistakes, but one was inspired -- the word "not" was omitted from
+the Seventh Commandment and enjoined its readers, on the highest authority,
+to commit adultery.
+ Fearing the popularity with which this might be received in remote
+country districts, King Charles I called all 1,000 copies back in and fined
+the printers L3,000.
+ -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
+%
+The most winning woman I ever knew was hanged for poisoning three little
+children for their insurance money.
+ -- Sherlock Holmes
+%
+The moving cursor writes, and having written, blinks on.
+%
+The Moving Finger writes; and, having writ,
+ Moves on: nor all they Piety nor Wit
+Shall lure it back to cancel half a Line,
+ Nor all thy Tears wash out a Word of it.
+%
+The myth of romantic love holds that once you've fallen in love with the
+perfect partner, you're home free. Unfortunately, falling out of love
+seems to be just as involuntary as falling into it.
+%
+The naked truth of it is, I have no shirt.
+ -- William Shakespeare, "Love's Labour's Lost"
+%
+The nation that controls magnetism controls the universe.
+ -- Chester Gould/Dick Tracy
+%
+The nearer to the church, the further from God.
+ -- John Heywood
+%
+The net is like a vast sea of lutefisk with tiny dinosaur brains embedded
+in it here and there. Any given spoonful will likely have an IQ of 1, but
+occasional spoonfuls may have an IQ more than six times that!
+ -- James 'Kibo' Parry
+%
+The net of law is spread so wide,
+No sinner from its sweep may hide.
+Its meshes are so fine and strong,
+They take in every child of wrong.
+O wondrous web of mystery!
+Big fish alone escape from thee!
+ -- James Jeffrey Roche
+%
+The new Congressmen say they're going to turn the government around.
+I hope I don't get run over again.
+%
+The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10
+doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot.
+%
+THE NEW RIGHT:
+ A javelin team that elects to receive.
+%
+The New Testament offers the basis for modern computer coding theory,
+in the form of an affirmation of the binary number system.
+
+ But let your communication be Yea, yea; nay, nay:
+ for whatsoever is more than these cometh of evil.
+
+ -- Matthew 5:37
+%
+The next person to mention spaghetti stacks
+to me is going to have his head knocked off.
+ -- Bill Conrad
+%
+The next thing I say to you will be true.
+The last thing I said was false.
+%
+The nice thing about egotists is that they don't talk about other people.
+ -- Lucille S. Harper
+%
+The nice thing about standards
+is that there are so many of them to choose from.
+ -- Andrew S. Tanenbaum
+%
+The nicest thing about the Alto is that it doesn't run faster at night.
+%
+The night passes quickly when you're asleep
+But I'm out shufflin' for something to eat
+...
+Breakfast at the Egg House,
+Like the waffle on the griddle,
+I'm burnt around the edges,
+But I'm tender in the middle.
+ -- Adrian Belew
+%
+The notes blatted skyward as the rose over the Canada geese, feathered
+rumps mooning the day, webbed appendages frantically pedaling unseen
+bicycles in their search for sustenance, driven by cruel Nature's maxim,
+'Ya wanna eat, ya gotta work,' and at last I knew Pittsburgh.
+ -- Winning sentence, 1987 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest.
+%
+The notion of a "record" is an obsolete
+remnant of the days of the 80-column card.
+ -- D.M. Ritchie
+%
+The number of computer scientists in a room is inversely
+proportional to the number of bugs in their code.
+%
+The number of feet in a yard is directly proportional to the success
+of the barbecue.
+%
+The number of licorice gumballs you get out of a gumball machine
+increases in direct proportion to how much you hate licorice.
+%
+The number of UNIX installations has grown to 10, with more expected.
+ -- The Unix Programmer's Manual, 2nd Edition, June 1972
+%
+The NY Times is read by the people who run the country. The Washington Post
+is read by the people who think they run the country. The National Enquirer
+is read by the people who think Elvis is alive and running the country.
+ -- Robert Woodhead
+%
+The objective of all dedicated employees should be to thoroughly analyze
+all situations, anticipate all problems prior to their occurrence, have
+answers for these problems, and move swiftly to solve these problems
+when called upon.
+ However...
+When you are up to your ass in alligators it is difficult to remind
+yourself your initial objective was to drain the swamp.
+%
+The odds are a million to one against your being one in a million.
+%
+The Official Colorado State Vegetable is now the "state legislator".
+%
+The Official MBA Handbook on business cards:
+
+ Avoid overly pretentious job titles such as "Lord of the
+ Realm, Defender of the Faith, Emperor of India" or "Director
+ of Corporate Planning."
+%
+The Official MBA Handbook on doing company business on an airplane:
+
+ Do not work openly on top-secret company cost documents unless
+ you have previously ascertained that the passenger next to you
+ is blind, a rock musician on mood-ameliorating drugs, or the
+ unfortunate possessor of a forty-seventh chromosome.
+%
+The Official MBA Handbook on the use of sunlamps:
+
+ Use a sunlamp only on weekends. That way, if the office wise guy
+ remarks on the sudden appearance of your tan, you can fabricate
+ some story about a sun-stroked weekend at some island Shangri-La
+ like Caneel Bay. Nothing is more transparent than leaving the
+ office at 11:45 on a Tuesday night, only to return an Aztec sun
+ god at 8:15 the next morning.
+%
+The old complaint that mass culture is designed for eleven-year-olds
+is of course a shameful canard. The key age has traditionally been
+more like fourteen.
+ -- Robert Christgau, "Esquire"
+%
+The old man had lived all his life in a little house on the Vermont side of the
+New Hampshire-Vermont border. One day, the surveyors came to inform him that
+they had just discovered that he lived in New Hampshire, not Vermont.
+ "Thank heavens!" was his heartfelt reply. "I don't think I could have
+taken another one of those damned Vermont winters!"
+%
+THE OLD POOL SHOOTER had won many a game in his life. But now it was time
+to hang up the cue. When he did, all the other cues came crashing go the
+floor.
+
+"Sorry," he said with a smile.
+ -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
+%
+The older a man gets, the farther he had to walk to school as a boy.
+%
+The older I grow, the less important the comma becomes.
+Let the reader catch his own breath.
+ -- Elizabeth Clarkson Zwart
+%
+The older I grow, the more I distrust the
+familiar doctrine that age brings wisdom.
+ -- H.L. Mencken
+%
+The one charm of marriage is that it makes a life of deception a neccessity.
+ -- Oscar Wilde
+%
+The one day you'd sell your soul for something, souls are a glut.
+%
+The one good thing about repeating your
+mistakes is that you know when to cringe.
+%
+The one L lama, he's a priest
+The two L llama, he's a beast
+And I will bet my silk pyjama
+There isn't any three L lllama.
+ -- O. Nash, to which a fire chief replied that occasionally
+ his department responded to something like a "three L lllama."
+%
+The One Page Principle:
+ A specification that will not fit on one page of 8.5x11 inch paper
+ cannot be understood.
+ -- Mark Ardis
+%
+The one sure way to make a lazy man look
+respectable is to put a fishing rod in his hand.
+%
+The only alliance I would make with the Women's Liberation Movement is in bed.
+ -- Abbey Hoffman
+%
+The only certainty is that nothing is certain.
+ -- Pliny the Elder
+%
+The only constant is change.
+%
+The only cultural advantage LA has over NY is that you can make a
+right turn on a red light.
+ -- Woody Allen
+%
+The only difference between a car salesman and a computer salesman is
+that the car salesman knows he's lying.
+%
+The only difference between a rut and a grave is their dimensions.
+%
+The only difference between the saint and the sinner is that
+every saint has a past and every sinner has a future.
+ -- Oscar Wilde
+%
+The only difference in the game of love over the last few
+thousand years is that they've changed trumps from clubs to diamonds.
+ -- The Indianapolis Star
+%
+The only function of economic forecasting is to make astrology look
+respectable.
+ -- John Kenneth Galbraith
+%
+The only happiness lies in reason; all the rest of the world is dismal.
+The highest reason, however, I see in the work of the artist, and he may
+experience it as such. Happiness lies in the swiftness of feeling and
+thinking: all the rest of the world is slow, gradual and stupid. Whoever
+could feel the course of a light ray would be very happy, for it is very
+swift. Thinking of oneself gives little happiness. If, however, one feels
+much happiness in this, it is because at bottom one is not thinking of
+oneself but of one's ideal. This is far, and only the swift shall reach
+it and are delighted.
+ -- Nietzsche
+%
+The only "ism" Hollywood believes in is plagiarism.
+ -- Dorothy Parker
+%
+The only justification for our concepts and systems of concepts is
+that they serve to represent the complex of our experiences;
+beyond this they have not legitimacy.
+ -- Einstein.
+%
+The only one of your children who does not grow up and move away
+is your husband.
+%
+The only people for me are the mad ones -- the ones who are mad to live,
+mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time,
+the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn
+like fabulous yellow Roman candles.
+ -- Jack Kerouac, "On the Road"
+%
+The only people who make love all the time are liars.
+ -- Louis Jordan
+%
+The only perfect science is hind-sight.
+%
+The only person to get all of his work done by Friday was Robinson Crusoe.
+%
+The only person who always got his work done by Friday was Robinson Crusoe.
+%
+The only possible interpretation of any research
+whatever in the "social sciences" is: some do, some don't.
+%
+The only possible interpretation of any research
+whatever in the 'social sciences' is: some do, some don't.
+ -- Ernest Rutherford
+%
+The only problem with being a man of leisure
+is that you can never stop and take a rest.
+%
+The only problem with seeing too much is that it makes you insane.
+ -- Phaedrus
+%
+The only promotion rules I can think of are that a sense of shame is to
+be avoided at all costs and there is never any reason for a hustler to
+be less cunning than more virtuous men. Oh yes ... whenever you think
+you've got something really great, add ten per cent more.
+ -- Bill Veeck
+%
+The only qualities for real success in journalism are ratlike cunning, a
+plausible manner and a little literary ability. The capacity to steal
+other people's ideas and phrases ... is also invaluable.
+ -- Nicolas Tomalin, "Stop the Press, I Want to Get On"
+%
+The only real advantage to punk music is that nobody can whistle it.
+%
+The only real argument for marriage is that it remains the best method
+for getting acquainted.
+ -- Heywood Broun
+%
+The only real way to look younger is not to be born so soon.
+ -- C. Schultz
+%
+The only really masterful noise a man makes in a house is the noise
+of his key, when he is still on the landing, fumbling for the lock.
+ -- Colette
+%
+The only reward of virtue is virtue.
+ -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
+%
+The only rose without thorns is friendship.
+%
+The only thing better than love is milk.
+%
+The only thing cheaper than hardware is talk.
+%
+The only thing that experience teaches us is that experience teaches
+us nothing.
+ -- Andre Maurois (Emile Herzog)
+%
+The only thing that stops God from sending a second Flood is that
+the first one was useless.
+ -- Nicolas Chamfort
+%
+The only thing to do with good advice is pass it on.
+It is never any use to oneself.
+ -- Oscar Wilde
+%
+The only thing we learn from history is that we do not learn.
+ -- Earl Warren
+
+That men do not learn very much from history is the most important of all
+the lessons that history has to teach.
+ -- Aldous Huxley
+
+We learn from history that we do not learn from history.
+ -- Georg Hegel
+
+HISTORY: Papa Hegel he say that all we learn from history is that we learn
+nothing from history. I know people who can't even learn from what happened
+this morning. Hegel must have been taking the long view.
+ -- Chad C. Mulligan, "The Hipcrime Vocab"
+%
+The only time a dog gets complimented is when he doesn't do anything.
+ -- C. Schultz
+%
+The only two things that motivate me and that matter to me are revenge
+and guilt.
+ -- Elvis Costello
+%
+The only way to amuse some people
+is to slip and fall on an icy pavement.
+%
+The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.
+ -- Oscar Wilde
+%
+The only way to keep you health is to eat what you don't want,
+drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not.
+ -- Mark Twain
+%
+The only winner in the War of 1812 was Tchaikovsky.
+ -- David Gerrold
+%
+The onset and the waning of love make themselves felt
+in the uneasiness experienced at being alone together.
+ -- Jean de la Bruyere
+%
+The opossum is a very sophisticated animal. It doesn't even get up
+until 5 or 6 PM.
+%
+The opossum is a very sophisticated animal.
+It doesn't even get up until 5 or 6 pm.
+%
+The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement. But the opposite
+of a profound truth may well be another profound truth.
+ -- Niels Bohr
+%
+The opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth.
+ -- Bohr
+%
+The opposite of talking isn't listening. The opposite of talking is
+waiting.
+ -- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies"
+%
+The optimist thinks that this is the best of all possible worlds,
+and the pessimist knows it.
+ -- J. Robert Oppenheimer, "Bulletin of Atomic Scientists"
+
+Yet creeds mean very little, Coth answered the dark god, still speaking
+almost gently. The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all
+possible worlds; and the pessimist fears this is true.
+ -- James Cabell, "The Silver Stallion"
+%
+The optimum committee has no members.
+ -- Norman Augustine
+%
+The opulence of the front office door varies
+inversely with the fundamental solvency of the firm.
+%
+The orders come down and they march us away.
+There's a battle outside and we join in the fray.
+God, it's hell when you know this could be your last day,
+But it's better than working for Xerox.
+ -- Frank Hayes, "Don't Ask"
+%
+The other day I... uh, no, that wasn't me.
+ -- Steven Wright
+%
+The other line moves faster.
+%
+The owner of a large furniture store in the mid-west arrived in France on
+a buying trip. As he was checking into a hotel he struck up an acquaintance
+with a beautiful young lady. However, she only spoke French and he only spoke
+English, so each couldn't understand a word the other spoke. He took out a
+pencil and a notebook and drew a picture of a coach. She smiled, nodded her
+head and they went for a ride in the park. Later, he drew a picture of a
+table in a restaurant with a question mark and she nodded, so they went to
+dinner. After dinner he sketched two dancers and she was delighted. They
+went to several nightclubs, drank champagne, danced and had a glorious
+evening. It had gotten quite late when she motioned for the pencil and drew
+a picture of a four-poster bed. He was dumbfounded, and to this day has
+never be able to understand how she knew he was in the furniture business.
+%
+The part of the world that people find most puzzling is the part called "Me".
+%
+The party adjourned to a hot tub, yes. Fully clothed, I might add.
+ -- IBM employee, testifying in California State Supreme Court
+%
+The passionate young thing was having a difficult time getting across what
+she wanted from her rather dense boyfriend. Finally she asked,
+ "Would you like to see where I was operated on for appendicitis?"
+ "Gosh, no!" he replied. "I hate hospitals."
+%
+The past always looks better than it was.
+It's only pleasant because it isn't here.
+ -- Finley Peter Dunne (Mr. Dooley)
+%
+The people sensible enough to give
+good advice are usually sensible enough to give none.
+%
+The perfect friend sees the best in you -- sees it constantly --
+not just when you occasionally are that way, but also when you
+waver, when you forget yourself, act like less than you are.
+In time, you become more like his vision of you -- which is the
+person you have always wanted to be.
+ -- Nancy Friday
+%
+The perfect lover is one who turns into a pizza at 4:00 A.M.
+ -- Charles Pierce
+%
+The perfect man is the true partner. Not a bed partner nor a fun partner,
+but a man who will shoulder burdens equally with [you] and possess that
+quality of joy.
+ -- Erica Jong
+%
+The person who can smile when something
+goes wrong has thought of someone to blame it on.
+%
+The person who makes no mistakes does not usually make anything.
+%
+The person who marries for money usually earns every penny of it.
+%
+The person who's taking you to lunch has no intention of paying.
+%
+The person you rejected yesterday could make you happy, if you say yes.
+%
+The personal computer market is about the same size as the total potato chip
+market. Next year it will be about half the size of the pet food market and
+is fast approaching the total worldwide sales of pantyhose"
+ -- James Finke, Commodore Int'l Ltd., 1982
+%
+The perversity of nature is nowhere better demonstrated by the fact that,
+when exposed to the same atmosphere, bread becomes hard while crackers
+become soft.
+%
+The philosopher's treatment of a question
+is like the treatment of an illness.
+ -- Wittgenstein.
+%
+The Phone Booth Rule:
+ A lone dime always gets the number nearly right.
+%
+The Pig, if I am not mistaken,
+Gives us ham and pork and Bacon.
+Let others think his heart is big,
+I think it stupid of the Pig.
+%
+The pitcher wound up and he flang the ball at the batter. The batter swang
+and missed. The pitcher flang the ball again and this time the batter
+connected. He hit a high fly right to the center fielder. The center
+fielder was all set to catch the ball, but at the last minute his eyes were
+blound by the sun and he dropped it.
+ -- Dizzy Dean
+%
+The plural of spouse is spice.
+%
+The Poems, all three hundred of them,
+may be summed up in one of their phrases:
+"Let our thoughts be correct".
+ -- Confucius
+%
+The Poet Whose Badness Saved His Life
+ The most important poet in the seventeenth century was George
+Wither. Alexander Pope called him "wretched Wither" and Dryden said of his
+verse that "if they rhymed and rattled all was well".
+ In our own time, "The Dictionary of National Biography" notes that his
+work "is mainly remarkable for its mass, fluidity and flatness. It usually
+lacks any genuine literary quality and often sinks into imbecile doggerel".
+ High praise, indeed, and it may tempt you to savour a typically
+rewarding stanza: It is taken from "I loved a lass" and is concerned with
+the higher emotions.
+ She would me "Honey" call,
+ She'd -- O she'd kiss me too.
+ But now alas! She's left me
+ Falero, lero, loo.
+ Among other details of his mistress which he chose to immortalize
+was her prudent choice of footwear.
+ The fives did fit her shoe.
+ In 1639 the great poet's life was endangered after his capture by
+the Royalists during the English Civil War. When Sir John Denham, the
+Royalist poet, heard of Wither's imminent execution, he went to the King and
+begged that his life be spared. When asked his reason, Sir John replied,
+"Because that so long as Wither lived, Denham would not be accounted the
+worst poet in England."
+ -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
+%
+The poetry of heroism appeals irresitably to those who don't go to a war,
+and even more so to those whom the war is making enormously wealthy."
+ -- Celine
+%
+The point is, you see, that there is no point in driving yourself mad
+trying to stop yourself going mad. You might just as well give in and
+save your sanity for later.
+%
+The polite thing to do has always been to address people as they wish to be
+addressed, to treat them in a way they think dignified. But it is equally
+important to accept and tolerate different standards of courtesy, not
+expecting everyone else to adapt to one's own preferences. Only then can
+we hope to restore the insult to its proper social function of expressing
+true distaste.
+ -- Judith Martin, "Miss Manners' Guide to Excruciatingly
+ Correct Behavior"
+%
+The politician is someone who deals in man's problems of adjustment.
+To ask a politician to lead us is to ask the tail of a dog to lead the dog.
+ -- Buckminster Fuller
+%
+The pollution's at that awkward stage.
+Too thick to navigate and too thin to cultivate.
+ -- Doug Sneyd
+%
+The possession of a book becomes a substitute for reading it.
+ -- Anthony Burgess
+%
+The powers not delegated to the United States by the Constitution, nor
+prohibited by it to the States, are reserved to the States respectively,
+or to the people.
+ -- U.S. Constitution, Amendment 10. (Bill of Rights)
+%
+The Preacher, the Politician, the Teacher,
+ Were each of them once a kiddie.
+A child, indeed, is a wonderful creature.
+ Do I want one? God Forbiddie!
+ -- Ogden Nash
+%
+The president publicly apologized today to all those offended by his brother's
+remark, "There's more Arabs in this country than there is Jews!". Those
+offended include Arabs, Jews, and English teachers.
+ -- Channel 11 News, Baltimore, on Billy Carter
+%
+The prettiest women are almost always the most
+boring, and that is why some people feel there is no God.
+ -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
+%
+The price of greatness is responsibility.
+%
+The price of success in philosophy is triviality.
+ -- C. Glymour.
+%
+The price one pays for pursuing any profession, or calling, is an intimate
+knowledge of its ugly side.
+ -- James Baldwin
+%
+The primary function of the design engineer is to make things
+difficult for the fabricator and impossible for the serviceman.
+%
+The primary purpose of the DATA statement is to give names to constants;
+instead of referring to pi as 3.141592653589793 at every appearance, the
+variable PI can be given that value with a DATA statement and used instead
+of the longer form of the constant. This also simplifies modifying the
+program, should the value of pi change.
+ -- FORTRAN manual for Xerox Computers
+%
+The primary theme of SoupCon is communication. The acronym "LEO"
+represents the secondary theme:
+
+ Law Enforcement Officials
+
+The overall theme of SoupCon shall be:
+
+ Avoiding Communication with Law Enforcement Officials
+ -- M. Gallaher
+%
+The probability of someone watching you is directly
+proportional to the stupidity of your action.
+%
+The problem that we thought was a problem was, indeed,
+a problem, but not the problem we thought was the problem.
+ -- Mike Smith
+%
+The problem with any unwritten law is that
+you don't know where to go to erase it.
+ -- Glaser and Way
+%
+The problem with graduate students, in general, is that they have
+to sleep every few days.
+%
+The problem with me is that I am fifty or one hundred years ahead of my
+time. My speed is very fast. Some ministers have had to drop out of my
+government because they could not keep up.
+ -- Idi Amin Dada
+%
+The problem with most conspiracy theories is that they seem to believe that
+for a group of people to behave in a way detrimental to the common good
+requires intent.
+%
+The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can
+be pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues.
+ -- Elizabeth Taylor
+%
+The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
+%
+The problem with this country is that there is no death penalty
+for incompetence.
+%
+The problems of business administration in general, and database management in
+particular are much to difficult for people that think in IBMese, compounded
+with sloppy english.
+ -- Edsger W. Dijkstra
+%
+The profession of book writing makes horse racing seem like a solid,
+stable business.
+ -- John Steinbeck
+%
+The program isn't debugged until the last user is dead.
+%
+The programmers of old were mysterious and profound. We cannot fathom their
+thoughts, so all we do is describe their appearance.
+ Aware, like a fox crossing the water. Alert, like a general on the
+battlefield. Kind, like a hostess greeting her guests. Simple, like uncarved
+blocks of wood. Opaque, like black pools in darkened caves.
+ Who can tell the secrets of their hearts and minds?
+ The answer exists only in the Tao.
+%
+The proof of the pudding is in the eating.
+ -- Miguel de Cervantes
+%
+The proof that IBM didn't invent the car is that it has a steering wheel
+and an accelerator instead of spurs and ropes, to be compatible with a
+horse.
+ -- Jac Goudsmit
+%
+The propriety of some persons seems to consist in having improper
+thoughts about their neighbours.
+ -- F.H. Bradley
+%
+The Psblurtex is an 18-inch long anaconda that hides in the gentlemen's
+outfitting departments of Amazonian stores and is often bought by mistake
+since its colors are those of the London Reform Club. Once tied around its
+victim's neck, it strangles him gently and then claims the insurance before
+running off to Germany where it lives in hiding.
+ -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
+%
+The public demands certainties; it must be told definitely and a bit
+raucously that this is true and that is false. But there are no
+certainties.
+ -- H.L. Mencken, "Prejudice"
+%
+The Public is merely a multiplied "me."
+ -- Mark Twain
+%
+The Puritan hated bear-baiting, not because it gave pain to the bear, but
+because it gave pleasure to the spectators.
+ -- Thomas Macaulay, "History of England"
+%
+The purpose of Physics 7A is to make the engineers realize that they're
+not perfect, and to make the rest of the people realize that they're not
+engineers.
+%
+"The pyramid is opening!"
+"Which one?"
+"The one with the ever-widening hole in it!"
+%
+The quality of a pun is in the "Oy!" of the beholder.
+%
+The Queen is most anxious to enlist every one who can speak or write to
+join in checking this mad, wicked folly of "Woman's Rights", with all its
+attendant horrors, on which her poor feeble sex is bent, forgetting every
+sense of womanly feeling and propriety. Lady-- ought to get a good
+whipping. It is a subject which makes the Queen so furious that she cannot
+contain herself. God created men and women different -- then let them
+remain each in their own position.
+ -- Letter to Sir Theodore Martin, 29 May 1870, from
+ Queen Victoria
+%
+The question of whether computers can think is just like the question of
+whether submarines can swim.
+ -- Edsger W. Dijkstra
+%
+The questions remain the same.
+The answers are eternally variable.
+%
+The Rabbits The Cow
+Here is a verse about rabbits The cow is of the bovine ilk;
+That doesn't mention their habits. One end is moo, the other, milk.
+ -- Ogden Nash
+%
+The race is not always to the swift, nor the
+battle to the strong, but that's the way to bet.
+ -- Damon Runyon
+%
+The rain it raineth on the just
+And also on the unjust fella:
+But chiefly on the just, because
+The unjust steals the just's umbrella.
+ -- Lord Bowen
+%
+The Ranger isn't gonna like it, Yogi.
+%
+The rate at which a disease spreads through a corn field is a precise
+measurement of the speed of blight.
+%
+The ratio of literacy to illiteracy is a constant, but nowadays the
+illiterates can read.
+ -- Alberto Moravia
+%
+The real man's Bloody Mary:
+ Ingredients: vodka, tomato juice, Tobasco, Worcestershire
+ sauce, A-1 steak sauce, ice, salt, pepper, celery.
+
+ Fill a large tumbler with vodka.
+ Throw all the other ingredients away.
+%
+The real problem with hunting elephants carrying the decoys.
+%
+The real purpose of books is to trap the mind into doing its own thinking.
+ -- Christopher Morley
+%
+The real reason large families benefit society is because at least
+a few of the children in the world shouldn't be raised by beginners.
+%
+The real reason psychology is hard is that
+psychologists are trying to do the impossible.
+%
+The real trouble with reality is that there's no background music.
+%
+The reason computer chips are so small is computers don't eat much.
+%
+The reason people sweat is so they won't catch fire when making love.
+ -- Don Rose
+%
+The reason that every major university maintains a department of
+mathematics is that it's cheaper than institutionalizing all those
+people.
+%
+The reason they're called wisdom teeth
+is that the experience makes you wise.
+%
+The reason why worry kills more people
+than work is that more people worry than work.
+%
+The reasonable man adapts himself to the world; the unreasonable one
+persists in trying to adapt the world to himself. Therefore all progress
+depends on the unreasonable man.
+ -- George Bernard Shaw
+%
+The reasons that each of these countries has had to renege on its
+financial commitments were all somewhat different: Argentina because of
+a war, Poland because of its vast misguided overinvestment in heavy
+industry, Honduras because the coffeee price went sour, Zaire because
+nobody in the government there has a clue as to how to run a country.
+ -- Paul Erdman's Money Book
+%
+The relative importance of files depends on their cost
+in terms of the human effort needed to regenerate them.
+ -- T.A. Dolotta
+%
+The requirements of romantic love are difficult to satisfy in the trunk
+of a Dodge Dart.
+ -- Lisa Alther
+%
+The Reverend Henry Ward Beecher
+Called a hen a most elegant creature.
+ The hen, pleased with that,
+ Laid an egg in his hat --
+And thus did the hen reward Beecher.
+ -- Oliver Wendell Holmes
+%
+The reverse side also has a reverse side.
+ -- Japanese proverb
+%
+The revolution will not be televised.
+%
+The reward for working hard is more hard work.
+%
+The reward of a thing well done is to have done it.
+ -- Emerson
+%
+The rich get rich, and the poor get poorer.
+The haves get more, the have-nots die.
+%
+The right half of the brain controls the left half of the body.
+This means that only left handed people are in their right mind.
+%
+The right to be heard does not automatically include the right to be
+taken seriously.
+ -- Hubert Humphrey
+%
+The right to be let alone is indeed the beginning of all freedom.
+ -- Justice Douglas
+%
+The rights and interests of the laboring man will be protected and cared
+for not by our labor agitators, but by the Christian men to whom God in his
+infinite wisdom has given control of property interests of the country, and
+upon the successful management of which so much remains.
+ -- George F. Baer, railroad industrialist
+%
+The rights you have are the rights given you by this Committee [the
+House Un-American Activities Committee]. We will determine what rights
+you have and what rights you have not got.
+ -- J. Parnell Thomas
+%
+The ripest fruit falls first.
+ -- William Shakespeare, "Richard II"
+%
+The road to Hades is easy to travel.
+ -- Bion
+%
+The road to hell is paved with NAND gates.
+ -- J. Gooding
+%
+The road to ruin is always in good repair,
+and the travellers pay the expense of it.
+ -- Josh Billings
+%
+The Roman Rule
+ The one who says it cannot be done should never interrupt the
+ one who is doing it.
+%
+The root of all superstition is that men
+observe when a thing hits, but not when it misses.
+ -- Francis Bacon
+%
+The rose of yore is but a name, mere names are left to us.
+%
+The Ruffed Pandanga of Borneo and Rotherham spreads out his feathers in
+his courtship dance and imitates Winston Churchill and Tommy Cooper on
+one leg. The padanga is dying out because the female padanga doesn't
+take it too seriously.
+ -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
+%
+The rule is, jam to-morrow and jam yesterday, but never jam today.
+ -- Lewis Carroll
+%
+The rule on staying alive as a forecaster is to give 'em a number or
+give 'em a date, but never give 'em both at once.
+ -- Jane Bryant Quinn
+%
+The rules:
+
+1: Thou shalt not worship other computer systems.
+2: Thou shalt not impersonate Liberace or eat watermelon while sitting at
+ the console keyboard.
+3: Thou shalt not slap users on the face, nor staple their silly little
+ card decks together.
+4: Thou shalt not get physically involved with the computer system,
+ especially if you're already married.
+5: Thou shalt not use magnetic tapes as frisbees, nor use a disk pack as
+ a stool to reach another disk pack.
+6: Thou shalt not stare at the blinking lights for more than one 8 hour
+ shift.
+7: Thou shalt not tell users that you accidentally destroyed their
+ files/backup just to see the look on their little faces.
+8: Thou shalt not enjoy cancelling a job.
+9: Thou shalt not display firearms in the computer room.
+10: Thou shalt not push buttons "just to see what happens".
+%
+The Russians have put a small ball up in the air.
+That does not raise my apprehensions one iota.
+ -- Dwight D. Eisenhower
+%
+The salary of the chief executive of the large corporation is not a market
+award for achievement. It is frequently in the nature of a warm personal
+gesture by the individual to himself.
+ -- John Kenneth Galbraith, "Annals of an Abiding Liberal"
+%
+The San Diego Freeway. Official Parking Lot of the 1984 Olympics!
+%
+The savior becomes the victim.
+%
+The scene: in a vast, painted desert, a cowboy faces his horse.
+
+Cowboy: "Well, you've been a pretty good hoss, I guess. Hardworkin'.
+ Not the fastest critter I ever come acrost, but..."
+
+Horse: "No, stupid, not feed*back*. I said I wanted a feed*bag*.
+%
+The Schwine-Kitzenger Institute study of 47 men over the age of 100
+showed that all had these things in common:
+
+ 1) They all had moderate appetites.
+ 2) They all came from middle class homes.
+ 3) All but two of them were dead.
+%
+The search for the perfect martini is a fraud. The perfect martini is
+a belt of gin from the bottle; anything else is the decadent trappings
+of civilization.
+ -- T.K.
+%
+The second best policy is dishonesty.
+%
+The Second Law of Thermodynamics:
+ If you think things are in a mess now, just wait!
+ -- Jim Warner
+%
+The secret of happiness is total disregard of everybody.
+%
+The secret of healthy hitchhiking is to eat junk food.
+%
+The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that,
+you've got it made.
+ -- Jean Giraudoux
+%
+The secret source of humor is not joy but sorrow;
+there is no humor in Heaven.
+ -- Mark Twain
+%
+The sendmail configuration file is one of those files that looks like someone
+beat their head on the keyboard. After working with it... I can see why!
+ -- Harry Skelton
+%
+The seven eyes of Ningauble the Wizard floated back to his hood as he
+reported to Fafhrd: "I have seen much, yet cannot explain all. The Gray
+Mouser is exactly twenty-five feet below the deepest cellar in the palace
+of Gilpkerio Kistomerces. Even though twenty-four parts in twenty-five of
+him are dead, he is alive.
+ Now about Lankhmar. She's been invaded, her walls breached
+everywhere and desperate fighting is going on in the streets, by a fierce
+host which out-numbers Lankhamar's inhabitants by fifty to one -- and
+equipped with all modern weapons. Yet you can save the city."
+ "How?" demanded Fafhrd.
+ Ningauble shrugged. "You're a hero. You should know."
+ -- Fritz Leiber, "The Swords of Lankhmar"
+%
+The seven year itch comes from fooling around during the fourth, fifth,
+and sixth years.
+%
+The sheep died in the wool.
+%
+The shifts of Fortune test the reliability of friends.
+ -- Marcus Tullius Cicero
+%
+The shortest distance between any two puns is a straight line.
+%
+The shortest distance between two points is under construction.
+ -- Noelie Altito
+%
+The Shuttle is now going five times the sound of speed.
+ -- Dan Rather, first landing of Columbia
+%
+The six great gifts of an Irish girl are beauty, soft
+voice, sweet speech, wisdom, needlework, and chastity.
+ -- Theodore Roosevelt, 1907
+%
+The sixth shiek's sixth sheep's sick.
+ -- [just say that five times...]
+%
+The sky is blue so we know where to stop mowing.
+ -- Judge Harold T. Stone
+%
+The smallest worm will turn being trodden on.
+ -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"
+%
+The smiling Spring comes in rejoicing,
+And surly Winter grimly flies.
+Now crystal clear are the falling waters,
+And bonnie blue are the sunny skies.
+Fresh o'er the mountains breaks forth the morning,
+The ev'ning gilds the oceans's swell:
+All creatures joy in the sun's returning,
+And I rejoice in my bonnie Bell.
+
+The flowery Spring leads sunny Summer,
+The yellow Autumn presses near;
+Then in his turn come gloomy Winter,
+Till smiling Spring again appear.
+Thus seasons dancing, life advancing,
+Old Time and Nature their changes tell;
+But never ranging, still unchanging,
+I adore my bonnie Bell.
+ -- Robert Burns, "My Bonnie Bell"
+%
+The so-called "desktop metaphor" of today's workstations is instead an
+"airplane-seat" metaphor. Anyone who has shuffled a lap full of papers
+while seated between two portly passengers will recognize the difference --
+one can see only a very few things at once.
+ -- Fred Brooks
+%
+The so-called lessons of history are for the most part the
+rationalizations of the victors. History is written by the survivors.
+ -- Max Lerner
+%
+The society which scorns excellence in plumbing as a humble activity and
+tolerates shoddiness in philosophy because it is an exalted activity will
+have neither good plumbing nor good philosophy... neither its pipes nor
+its theories will hold water.
+%
+The soldier came knocking upon the queen's door
+He said, "I am not fighting for you anymore"
+The queen knew she had seen his face someplace before
+And slowly she let him inside.
+
+He said, "I see you now, and you're so very young
+But I've seen more battles lost than I have battles won
+And I have this intuition that it's all for your fun
+And now will you tell me why?"
+ -- Suzanne Vega, "The Queen and The Soldier"
+%
+The solution of problems is the most characteristic
+and peculiar sort of voluntary thinking.
+ -- William James
+%
+The solution of this problem is trivial
+and is left as an exercise for the reader.
+%
+The solution to a problem changes the nature of the problem.
+ -- Peer
+%
+The somewhat old and crusty vicar was taking a well-earned retirement from
+his rather old and crusty parish. As is usual in these cases, a locum was
+sent to cover the transition period. This particular man was young and
+active, and had the strange notion that church should also be avtive and
+exciting. As a consequence he was more than a little dissapointed with the
+dull and tradition-bound church. He decided to do something about it.
+ For his first Sunday, he didn't wear the traditional robes and
+vestments, but lead the service wearing a nice 2-piece suit. The congregation
+was horrified! He changed the order of the service. The congregation was
+horrified! Then came the children's lesson.
+ For this he came out of the pulpit, and sat on the communion table.
+The congregation was mortified! He sat there swinging his legs against
+the table as the children gathered around him.
+ He asked the children, "What's small, brown, furry and eats nuts?"
+ There was total silence.
+ He asked again, "What's small, brown, furry and eats nuts?"
+ Total silence.
+ Eventually, one timid youngster put up his hand and said, "Please,
+sir, I know the answer is Jesus, but it sure sounds like a squirrel to me."
+%
+The sooner all the animals are dead, the sooner we'll find their money.
+ -- Ed Bluestone, The National Lampoon
+%
+The sooner all the animals are extinct, the sooner we'll find their money.
+ -- Ed Bluestone
+%
+The sooner you fall behind, the more time you have to catch up.
+%
+The soul would have no rainbow had the eyes no tears.
+%
+The sounds of the nouns are mostly unbound.
+In town a noun might wear a gown,
+or further down, might dress a clown.
+A noun that's sound would never clown,
+but unsound nouns jump up and down.
+The sound of a noun could distrub the plowing,
+and then, my dear, you'd be put in the pound.
+But please don't let that get you down,
+the renown of your gown is the talk of the town.
+ -- A. Nonnie Mouse
+%
+The Soviet Union, which has complained recently about alleged anti-Soviet
+themes in American advertising, lodged an official protest this week
+against the Ford Motor Company's new campaign: "Hey you stinking, fat
+Russian, get off my Ford Escort."
+ -- Dennis Miller
+%
+The speed of anything depends on the flow of everything.
+%
+The spirit of Plato dies hard. We have been unable to escape the
+philosophical tradition that what we can see and measure in the world
+is merely the superficial and imperfect representation of an underlying
+reality.
+ -- S.J. Gould, "The Mismeasure of Man"
+%
+The star of riches is shining upon you.
+%
+The startling truth finally became apparent, and it was this: Numbers
+written on restaurant checks within the confines of restaurants do not
+follow the same mathematical laws as numbers written on any other pieces
+of paper in any other parts of the Universe. This single statement took
+the scientific world by storm. So many mathematical conferences got held
+in such good restaurants that many of the finest minds of a generation
+died of obesity and heart failure, and the science of mathematics was put
+back by years.
+ -- Douglas Adams
+%
+The state of innocence contains the germs of all future sin.
+ -- Alexandre Arnoux, "Etudes et caprices"
+%
+The steady state of disks is full.
+ -- Ken Thompson
+%
+The story of the butterfly:
+ "I was in Bogota and waiting for a lady friend. I was in love,
+a long time ago. I waited three days. I was hungry but could not go
+out for food, lest she come and I not be there to greet her. Then, on
+the third day, I heard a knock."
+ "I hurried along the old passage and there, in the sunlight,
+there was nothing."
+ "Just," Vance Joy said, "a butterfly, flying away."
+ -- Peter Carey, BLISS
+%
+The story you are about to hear is true.
+Only the names have been changed to protect the innocent.
+%
+The street preacher looked so baffled
+When I asked him why he dressed
+With forty pounds of headlines
+Stapled to his chest.
+But he cursed me when I proved to him
+I said, "Not even you can hide.
+You see, you're just like me.
+I hope you're satisfied."
+ -- Bob Dylan
+%
+The streets were dark with something more than night.
+ -- Raymond Chandler
+%
+The strong give up and move away, while the weak give up and stay.
+%
+The strong give up and move on, while the weak give up and stay.
+%
+The strong individual loves the earth so much he lusts for recurrence. He
+can smile in the face of the most terrible thought: meaningless, aimless
+existance recurring eternally. The second characteristic of such a man is
+that he has the strength to recognise -- and to live with the recognition --
+that the world is valueless in itself and that all values are human ones.
+He creates himself by fashoning his own values; he has the pride to live
+by the values he wills.
+ -- Nietzsche
+%
+The sudden sight of me causes panic in the streets. They have
+yet to learn - only the savage fears what he does not understand.
+ -- The Silver Surfer
+%
+The sum of the intelligence of the world is constant.
+The population is, of course, growing.
+%
+The sun never sets on those who ride into it.
+ -- RKO
+%
+The sun was shining on the sea,
+Shining with all his might:
+He did his very best to make
+The billows smooth and bright --
+And this was very odd, because it was
+The middle of the night.
+ -- Lewis Carroll
+%
+The sunlights differ, but there is only one darkness.
+ -- Ursula K. LeGuin, "The Dispossessed"
+%
+The superfluous is very necessary.
+ -- Voltaire
+%
+The superior man understands what is right;
+the inferior man understands what will sell.
+ -- Confucius
+%
+The superpowers often behave like two heavily armed blind men feeling their
+way around a room, each believing himself in mortal peril from the other,
+whom he assumes to have perfect vision. Each tends to ascribe to the other
+side a consistency, foresight and coherence that its own experience belies.
+Of course, even two blind men can do enormous damage to each other, not to
+speak of the room.
+ -- Henry Kissinger
+%
+The Supreme Court does it with all deliberate speed.
+%
+The surest sign that a man is in love is when he divorces his wife.
+%
+The surest way to corrupt a youth is to instruct him to hold in higher
+esteem those who think alike than those who think differently.
+ -- Nietzsche
+%
+The surest way to remain a winner is to
+win once, and then not play any more.
+%
+The sweeter the apple, the blacker the core --
+Scratch a lover and find a foe!
+ -- Dorothy Parker, "Ballad of a Great Weariness"
+%
+The system was down for backups from 5am to 10am last Saturday.
+%
+The system will be down for 10 days for preventative maintenance.
+%
+The Tao doesn't take sides;
+it gives birth to both wins and losses.
+The Guru doesn't take sides;
+she welcomes both hackers and lusers.
+
+The Tao is like a stack:
+the data changes but not the structure.
+the more you use it, the deeper it becomes;
+the more you talk of it, the less you understand.
+
+Hold on to the root.
+%
+The Tao is like a glob pattern:
+used but never used up.
+It is like the extern void:
+filled with infinite possibilities.
+
+It is masked but always present.
+I don't know who built to it.
+It came before the first kernel.
+%
+The tao that can be tar(1)ed
+is not the entire Tao.
+The path that can be specified
+is not the Full Path.
+
+We declare the names
+of all variables and functions.
+Yet the Tao has no type specifier.
+
+Dynamically binding, you realize the magic.
+Statically binding, you see only the hierarchy.
+
+Yet magic and hierarchy
+arise from the same source,
+and this source has a null pointer.
+
+Reference the NULL within NULL,
+it is the gateway to all wizardry.
+%
+The telephone is a good way to talk to people without having to offer
+them a drink.
+ -- Fran Lebowitz, "Interview"
+%
+The temperature of Heaven can be rather accurately computed from available
+data. Our authority is Isaiah 30:26, "Moreover, the light of the Moon
+shall be as the light of the Sun and the light of the Sun shall be sevenfold,
+as the light of seven days." Thus Heaven receives from the Moon as much
+radiation as we do from the Sun, and in addition seven times seven (49) times
+as much as the Earth does from the Sun, or fifty times in all. The light we
+receive from the Moon is one ten-thousandth of the light we receive from the
+Sun, so we can ignore that. With these data we can compute the temperature
+of Heaven. The radiation falling on Heaven will heat it to the point where
+the heat lost by radiation is just equal to the heat received by radiation,
+i.e., Heaven loses fifty times as much heat as the Earth by radiation. Using
+the Stefan-Boltzmann law for radiation, (H/E)^4 = 50, where E is the absolute
+temperature of the earth (-300K), gives H as 798K (525C). The exact
+temperature of Hell cannot be computed, but it must be less than 444.6C, the
+temperature at which brimstone or sulphur changes from a liquid to a gas.
+Revelations 21:8 says "But the fearful, and unbelieving ... shall have their
+part in the lake which burneth with fire and brimstone." A lake of molten
+brimstone means that its temperature must be at or below the boiling point,
+or 444.6C (Above this point it would be a vapor, not a lake.) We have,
+then, that Heaven, at 525C is hotter than Hell at 445C.
+ -- "Applied Optics", vol. 11, A14, 1972
+%
+The temperature of the aqueous content of an unremittingly ogled
+culinary vessel will not achieve 100 degrees on the Celsius scale.
+%
+The Ten Commandments for Technicians:
+ 1: Beware the lightening that lurketh in the undischarged
+ capacitor, lest it cause thee to bounce upon thy buttocks in a
+ most untechnician-like manner.
+
+ 7: Work thou not on energized equipment, for if thou dost, thy
+ fellow workers will surely buy beers for thy widow and console
+ her in other ways.
+%
+The term "fire" brings up visions of violence and mayhem and the ugly scene
+of shooting employees who make mistakes. We will now refer to this process
+as "deleting" an employee (much as a file is deleted from a disk). The
+employee is simply there one instant, and gone the next. All the terrible
+temper tantrums, crying, and threats are eliminated.
+ -- Kenny's Korner
+%
+The test of a first-rate intelligence is the ability to hold two opposed
+ideas in the mind at the same time and still retain the ability to function.
+ -- F. Scott Fitzgerald
+%
+The test of intelligent tinkering is to save all the parts.
+ -- Aldo Leopold
+%
+The thing that takes up the least amount of time
+and causes the most amount of trouble is sex.
+%
+The things that interest people most are usually none of their business.
+%
+The Third Law of Photography:
+ If you did manage to get any good shots, they will be ruined
+ when someone inadvertently opens the darkroom door and all of
+ the dark leaks out.
+%
+The thought of being President fightens me and I do not think I
+want the job.
+ -- Ronald Reagan in 1973
+
+Reagan won because he ran against Jimmy Carter. Had he run unopposed he
+would have lost.
+ -- Mort Sahl
+
+Ronald Reagan is a triumph of the embalmer's art.
+ -- Gore Vidal
+
+Ronald Reagan's platform seems to be: Hey, I'm a big good-looking guy and
+I need a lot of sleep.
+ -- Roy G. Blount, Jr.
+
+You've got to be careful quoting Ronald Reagan, because when you quote him
+accurately it's called mudslinging.
+ -- Walter Mondale
+%
+The Thought Police are here. They've come
+To put you under cardiac arrest.
+And as they drag you through the door
+They tell you that you've failed the test.
+ -- Buggles, "Living in the Plastic Age"
+%
+The three best things about going to school are June, July, and August.
+%
+The three biggest software lies:
+
+ 1: *Of course* we'll give you a copy of the source.
+ 2: *Of course* the third party vendor we bought that from
+ will fix the microcode.
+ 3: Beta test site? No, *of course* you're not a beta test site.
+%
+The three laws of thermodynamics:
+ (1) You can't get anything without working for it.
+ (2) The most you can accomplish by working is to break even.
+ (3) You can only break even at absolute zero.
+%
+THE THREE MOST COMMONLY-ASKED QUESTIONS AT DISNEYLAND:
+
+1) Where's the bathroom?
+2) What time does the parade start?
+3) Do you sell anything without that damn mouse on it?
+%
+The three questions of greatest concern are -- 1. Is it attractive?
+2. Is it amusing? 3. Does it know its place?
+ -- Fran Lebowitz, "Metropolitan Life"
+%
+The three rules of international air travel:
+
+(1) Never fly on Aeroflot if you can possibly avoid it (this used
+ to be Braniff or Aeroflot).
+(2) Never bet a whole lot of money on two little pairs unless you
+ know *exactly* what you're doing.
+(3) Never sleep with anyone whose troubles are worse than your own.
+%
+The thrill is here, but it won't last long
+You'd better have your fun before it moves along...
+%
+The time for action is past!
+Now is the time for senseless bickering.
+%
+The time is right to make new friends.
+%
+The time spent on any item of the agenda [of a finance
+committee] will be in inverse proportion to the sum involved.
+ -- C.N. Parkinson
+%
+The time was the 19th of May, 1780. The place was Hartford, Connecticut.
+The day has gone down in New England history as a terrible foretaste of
+Judgement Day. For at noon the skies turned from blue to grey and by
+mid-afternoon had blackened over so densely that, in that religious age,
+men fell on their knees and begged a final blessing before the end came.
+The Connecticut House of Representatives was in session. And, as some of
+the men fell down and others clamored for an immediate adjournment, the
+Speaker of the House, one Col. Davenport, came to his feet. He silenced
+them and said these words: "The day of judgment is either approaching or
+it is not. If it is not, there is no cause for adjournment. If it is, I
+choose to be found doing my duty. I wish therefore that candles may be
+brought."
+ -- Alistair Cooke
+%
+The tree in which the sap is stagnant remains fruitless.
+ -- Hosea Ballou
+%
+The Tree of Learning bears the noblest fruit, but noble fruit tastes bad.
+%
+The tree of research must from time to time
+be refreshed with the blood of bean counters.
+ -- Alan Kay
+%
+The trouble is, there is an endless supply of White Men,
+but there has always been a limited number of Human Beings.
+ -- Little Big Man
+%
+The trouble with a lot of self-made men is that they worship their creator.
+%
+The trouble with being poor is that it takes up all your time.
+%
+The trouble with being punctual is that people
+think you have nothing more important to do.
+%
+The trouble with computers is that they do
+what you tell them, not what you want.
+ -- D. Cohen
+%
+The trouble with doing something right the first
+time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.
+%
+The trouble with eating Italian food is that
+five or six days later you're hungry again.
+ -- George Miller
+%
+The trouble with heart disease is that the first
+symptom is often hard to deal with: death.
+ -- Michael Phelps
+%
+The trouble with incest is that it gets you involved with relatives.
+ -- George S. Kaufman
+%
+The trouble with money is it costs too much!
+%
+The trouble with opportunity is that it
+always comes disguised as hard work.
+ -- Herbert V. Prochnow
+%
+The trouble with some women is that they get
+all excited about nothing -- and then marry him.
+ -- Cher
+%
+The trouble with telling a good story is that it invariably reminds
+the other fellow of a dull one.
+ -- Sid Caesar
+%
+The trouble with the rat-race is that even if you win, you're still a rat.
+ -- Lily Tomlin
+%
+The trouble with this country is that there are too many politicians
+who believe, with a conviction based on experience, that you can fool
+all of the people all of the time.
+ -- Franklin Adams
+%
+The trouble with you
+Is the trouble with me.
+Got two good eyes
+But we still don't see.
+ -- Robert Hunter, "Workingman's Dead"
+%
+The true way goes over a rope which is not stretched at any great
+height but just above the ground. It seems more designed to make
+people stumble than to be walked upon.
+ -- Franz Kafka
+%
+The truth about a man lies first and foremost in what he hides.
+ -- Andre Malraux
+%
+The truth is rarely pure, and never simple.
+ -- Oscar Wilde
+%
+The truth of a proposition has nothing to do with its credibility.
+And vice versa.
+%
+The truth of a thing is the feel of it, not the think of it.
+ -- Stanley Kubrick
+%
+The Truth Shall Rape You Over.
+ -- Caltech
+%
+The truth you speak has no past and no future.
+It is, and that's all it needs to be.
+%
+The turtle lives 'twixt plated decks
+Which practically conceal its sex.
+I think it clever of the turtle
+In such a fix to be so fertile.
+ -- O. Nash
+%
+The two most beautiful words in the English language are "Cheque Enclosed."
+ -- Dorothy Parker
+%
+The two most common things in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.
+%
+The two most common things in the Universe are hydrogen and stupidity.
+ -- Harlan Ellison
+%
+The two oldest professions in the world have been ruined by amateurs.
+ -- G.B. Shaw
+%
+The two party system ... is a triumph of the dialectic. It showed that
+two could be one and one could be two and had probably been fabricated
+by Hegel for the American market on a subcontract from General Dynamics.
+ -- I.F. Stone
+%
+The two things that can get you into trouble
+quicker than anything else are fast women and slow horses.
+%
+The typewriting machine, when played with expression, is no more
+annoying than the piano when played by a sister or near relation.
+ -- Oscar Wilde
+%
+The, uh, snowy mountains are like really cold, eh?
+And the, um, plains stretch out like my moms girdle, eh?
+There's lotsa beers and doughnuts for everyone, eh?
+So the last one to be peaceful and everything is a big idiot,
+Eh?
+So shut yer face up and dry yer mucklucks by the fire, eh?
+And dream about girls with their high beams on, eh?
+They may be cold, but that's okay! Beer's better that way!
+Eh?
+ -- A, like, Tribute to the Great White North, eh?
+Beauty!
+%
+The ultimate game show will be the one
+where somebody gets killed at the end.
+ -- Chuck Barris, creator of "The Gong Show"
+%
+The unfacts, did we have them, are too
+imprecisely few to warrant out certitude.
+%
+The United States Army; 194 years of proud service, unhampered by progress.
+%
+The universe is all a spin-off of the Big Bang.
+%
+The universe is an island,
+surrounded by whatever it is that surrounds universes.
+%
+The universe is laughing behind your back.
+%
+The Universe is populated by stable things.
+ -- Richard Dawkins
+%
+The universe is ruled by letting things take their course.
+It cannot be ruled by interfering.
+ -- Chinese proverb
+%
+The universe seems neither benign nor hostile, merely indifferent.
+ -- Sagan
+%
+The University of California Bears announced the signing of Reggie
+Philbin to a letter of intent to attend Cal next Fall. Philbin is
+said to make up for no talent by cheating well. Says Philbin of
+his decision to attend Cal, "I'm in it for the free ride."
+%
+The University of California Statistics Department; where mean is normal,
+and deviation standard.
+%
+The UNIX philosophy basically involves giving you enough rope to
+hang yourself. And then a couple of feet more, just to be sure.
+%
+The urge to gamble is so universal and its practice so pleasurable
+that I assume it must be evil.
+ -- Heywood Broun
+%
+The USA is so enormous, and so numerous are its schools, colleges and
+religious seminaries, many devoted to special religious beliefs ranging
+from the unorthodox to the dotty, that we can hardly wonder at its
+yielding a more bounteous harvest of gobbledegook than the rest of the
+world put together.
+ -- Sir Peter Medawar
+%
+The use of anthropomorphic terminology when dealing with computing systems
+is a symptom of professional immaturity.
+ -- Edsger W. Dijkstra
+%
+The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be
+regarded as a criminal offence.
+ -- Edsger W. Dijkstra, SIGPLAN Notices, Volume 17, Number 5
+%
+The use of COBOL cripples the mind;
+its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.
+ -- Edsger W. Dijkstra
+%
+The use of money is all the advantage there is to having money.
+ -- B. Franklin
+%
+The value of a program is proportional to the weight of its output.
+%
+The very first essential for success is a perpetually
+constant and regular employment of violence.
+ -- Adolph Hitler, "Mein Kampf"
+%
+The very powerful and the very stupid have one thing in common. Instead of
+altering their views to fit the facts, they alter the facts to fit their
+views ... which can be very uncomfortable if you happen to be one of the
+facts that needs altering.
+ -- Doctor Who, "Face of Evil"
+%
+The very remembrance of my former misfortune proves a new one to me.
+ -- Miguel de Cervantes
+%
+The Vet Who Surprised A Cow
+ In the course of his duties in August 1977, a Dutch veterinary
+surgeon was required to treat an ailing cow. To investigate its internal
+gases he inserted a tube into that end of the animal not capable of facial
+expression and struck a match. The jet of flame set fire first to some
+bales of hay and then to the whole farm causing damage estimate at L45,000.
+The vet was later fined L140 for starting a fire in a manner surprising to
+the magistrates. The cow escaped with shock.
+ -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
+%
+The VFW represents many who died to give this country a second chance
+to make it what it is supposed to be -- God's guest house on earth.
+ -- John Wayne
+%
+The volume of paper expands to fill the available briefcases.
+ -- Jerry Brown
+%
+The voluptuous blond was chatting with her handsome escort in a posh
+restaurant when their waiter, stumbling as he brought their drinks,
+dumped a martini on the rocks down the back of the blonde's dress. She
+sprang to her feet with a wild rebel yell, dashed wildly around the table,
+then galloped wriggling from the room followed by her distraught boyfriend.
+A man seated on the other side of the room with a date of his own beckoned
+to the waiter and said, "We'll have two of whatever she was drinking."
+%
+The wages of sin are unreported.
+%
+The War on Drugs is just a small part of the War on the United States
+Constitution.
+%
+The warning message we sent the Russians was a
+calculated ambiguity that would be clearly understood.
+ -- Alexander Haig
+%
+The water was not fit to drink.
+To make it palatable, we had to add whiskey.
+By diligent effort, I learned to like it.
+ -- W. Churchill
+%
+The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and
+incompetence... sort of like the Post Office with tanks.
+ -- Emo Philips
+%
+The way of the world is to praise dead saints and prosecute live ones.
+ -- Nathaniel Howe
+%
+The way some people find fault, you'd think there was some kind of reward.
+%
+The way to a man's heart is through his
+wife's belly, and don't you forget it.
+ -- Edward Albee, "Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf?"
+%
+The way to a man's heart is through the left ventricle.
+%
+The way to a man's stomach is through his esophagus.
+%
+The way to fight a woman is with your hat. Grab it and run.
+%
+The way to love anything is to realize that it might be lost.
+%
+The way to make a small fortune in the
+commodities market is to start with a large fortune.
+%
+The weather is here. Wish you were beautiful.
+%
+The weather is here, I wish you were beautiful.
+My thoughts aren't too clear, but don't run away.
+My girlfriend's a bore; my job is too dutiful.
+Hell nobody's perfect, would you like to play?
+I feel together today!
+ -- Jimmy Buffet, "Coconut Telegraph"
+%
+The weed of crime bears bitter fruit.
+%
+The weed of crime bears bitter fruit...
+but the leaves are good to smoke!
+ -- The Shadow
+%
+The white race is the cancer of history.
+ -- Susan Sontag
+%
+The whole earth is in jail and we're plotting this incredible jailbreak.
+ -- Wavy Gravy
+%
+The whole of life is futile unless you
+consider it as a sporting proposition.
+%
+The whole world is a scab. The point is to pick it constructively.
+ -- Peter Beard
+%
+The whole world is a tuxedo and you are a pair of brown shoes.
+ -- George Gobel
+%
+The whole world is about three drinks behind.
+ -- Humphrey Bogart
+%
+The wise and intelligent are coming belatedly to realize that alcohol, and
+not the dog, is man's best friend. Rover is taking a beating -- and he
+should.
+ -- W.C. Fields
+%
+The wise man seeks everything in himself;
+the ignorant man tries to get everything from somebody else.
+%
+The wise shepherd never trusts his flock to a smiling wolf.
+%
+The woman hurried home from her doctor's appointment, devastated by the
+medical report she had just received. When her husband came in from work,
+she told him, "Darling, the doctor said I have only twelve more hours to
+live. So I've decided I want to go to bed and make passionate love to you
+throughout the night. How does that sound, dearest?"
+ "Hey, that's fine for *you*," replied the husband. "You don't have
+to get up in the morning!"
+%
+The wonderful thing about a dancing bear
+is not how well he dances, but that he dances at all.
+%
+The work [of software development] is becoming far easier (i.e. the tools
+we're using work at a higher level, more removed from machine, peripheral
+and operating system imperatives) than it was twenty years ago, and because
+of this, knowledge of the internals of a system may become less accessible.
+We may be able to dig deeper holes, but unless we know how to build taller
+ladders, we had best hope that it does not rain much.
+ -- Paul Licker
+%
+The world has many unintentionally cruel mechanisms that are not
+designed for people who walk on their hands.
+ -- John Irving, "The World According to Garp"
+%
+The world is a comedy to those who think,
+and a tragedy to those who feel.
+ -- Horace Walpole
+%
+The world is coming to an end... SAVE YOUR BUFFERS!!
+%
+The world is coming to an end!
+Repent and return those library books!
+%
+The world is full of people who have never, since
+childhood, met an open doorway with an open mind.
+ -- E.B. White
+%
+The world is moving so fast these days that the man who says
+it can't be done is generally interrupted by someone doing it.
+ -- E. Hubbard
+%
+The world is not octal despite DEC.
+%
+The world is your exercise-book, the pages on which you do your sums.
+It is not reality, although you can express reality there if you wish.
+You are also free to write nonsense, or lies, or to tear the pages.
+ -- Messiah's Handbook : Reminders for the Advanced Soul
+%
+The world needs more people like us and fewer like them.
+%
+The world really isn't any worse.
+It's just that the news coverage is so much better.
+%
+The world wants to be deceived.
+ -- Sebastian Brant
+%
+The world will end in 5 minutes. Please log out.
+%
+The world's as ugly as sin,
+And almost as delightful
+ -- Frederick Locker-Lampson
+%
+The world's great men have not commonly been great scholars,
+nor its great scholars great men.
+ -- Oliver Wendell Holmes
+%
+The Worst American Poet
+ Julia Moore, "the Sweet Singer of Michigan" (1847-1920) was so bad that
+Mark Twain said her first book gave him joy for 20 years.
+ Her verse was mainly concerned with violent death -- the great fire
+of Chicago and the yellow fever epidemic proved natural subjects for her
+pen.
+ Whether death was by drowning, by fits or by runaway sleigh, the
+formula was the same:
+ Have you heard of the dreadful fate
+ Of Mr. P.P. Bliss and wife?
+ Of their death I will relate,
+ And also others lost their life
+ (in the) Ashbula Bridge disaster,
+ Where so many people died.
+ Even if you started out reasonably healthy in one of Julia's poems,
+the chances are that after a few stanzas you would be at the bottom of a
+river or struck by lightning. A critic of the day said she was "worse than
+a Gatling gun" and in one slim volume counted 21 killed and 9 wounded.
+ Incredibly, some newspapers were critical of her work, even
+suggesting that the sweet singer was "semi-literate". Her reply was
+forthright: "The Editors that has spoken in this scandalous manner have went
+beyond reason." She added that "literary work is very difficult to do".
+ -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
+%
+THE WORST ANIMAL RESCUE
+
+During the firemen's strike of 1978, the British Army had taken over
+emergency firefighting and on 14 January they were called out by an
+elderly lady in South London to retrieve her cat which had become trapped
+up a tree. They arrived with impressive haste and soon discharged their
+duty. So grateful was the lady that she invited them all in for tea.
+Driving off later, with fond farewells completed, they ran over the cat
+and killed it.
+ -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
+%
+THE WORST BANK ROBBERY
+
+In August 1975 three men were on their way in to rob the Royal Bank of
+Scotland at Rothesay, when they got stuck in the revolving doors. They
+had to be helped free by the staff and, after thanking everyone,
+sheepishly left the building.
+A few minutes later they returned and announced their intention of
+robbing the bank, but none of the staff believed them. When they demanded
+5,000 pounds in cash, the head cashier laughed at them, convinced that it
+was a practical joke.
+Then one of the men jumped over the counter, but fell to the floor
+clutching his ankle. The other two tried to make their getaway, but got
+trapped in the revolving doors again.
+%
+The Worst Car Hire Service
+ When David Schwartz left university in 1972, he set up Rent-a-wreck
+as a joke. Being a natural prankster, he acquired a fleet of beat-up
+shabby, wreckages waiting for the scrap heap in California.
+ He put on a cap and looked forward to watching people's faces as he
+conducted them round the choice of bumperless, dented junkmobiles.
+ To his lasting surprise there was an insatiable demand for them and
+he now has 26 thriving branches all over America. "People like driving
+round in the worst cars available," he said. Of course they do.
+ "If a driver damages the side of a car and is honest enough to
+admit it, I tell him, `Forget it'. If they bring a car back late we
+overlook it. If they've had a crash and it doesn't involve another vehicle
+we might overlook that too."
+ "Where's the ashtray?" asked on Los Angeles wife, as she settled
+into the ripped interior. "Honey," said her husband, "the whole car's the
+ash tray."
+ -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
+%
+The worst cliques are those which consist of one man.
+ -- G.B. Shaw
+%
+THE WORST HOMING PIGEON
+
+This historic bird was released in Pembrokeshire in June 1953 and was
+expected to reach its base that evening. It was returned by post, dead,
+in a cardboard box eleven years later from Brazil.
+ -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
+%
+The worst is enemy of the bad.
+%
+The worst is not so long as we can say "This is the worst."
+ -- King Lear
+%
+The Worst Jury
+ A murder trial at Manitoba in February 1978 was well advanced, when
+one juror revealed that he was completely deaf and did not have the
+remotest clue what was happening.
+ The judge, Mr. Justice Solomon, asked him if he had heard any
+evidence at all and, when there was no reply, dismissed him.
+ The excitement which this caused was only equalled when a second
+juror revealed that he spoke not a word of English. A fluent French
+speaker, he exhibited great surprised when told, after two days, that he
+was hearing a murder trial.
+ The trial was abandoned when a third juror said that he suffered
+from both conditions, being simultaneously unversed in the English language
+and nearly as deaf as the first juror.
+ The judge ordered a retrial.
+ -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
+%
+The Worst Lines of Verse
+For a start, we can rule out James Grainger's promising line:
+ "Come, muse, let us sing of rats."
+Grainger (1721-67) did not have the courage of his convictions and deleted
+these words on discovering that his listeners dissolved into spontaneous
+laughter the instant they were read out.
+ No such reluctance afflicted Adam Lindsay Gordon (1833-70) who was
+inspired by the subject of war.
+ "Flash! flash! bang! bang! and we blazed away,
+ And the grey roof reddened and rang;
+ Flash! flash! and I felt his bullet flay
+ The tip of my ear. Flash! bang!"
+By contrast, Cheshire cheese provoked John Armstrong (1709-79):
+ "... that which Cestria sends, tenacious paste of solid milk..."
+While John Bidlake was guided by a compassion for vegetables:
+ "The sluggard carrot sleeps his day in bed,
+ The crippled pea alone that cannot stand."
+George Crabbe (1754-1832) wrote:
+ "And I was ask'd and authorized to go
+ To seek the firm of Clutterbuck and Co."
+William Balmford explored the possibilities of religious verse:
+ "So 'tis with Christians, Nature being weak
+ While in this world, are liable to leak."
+And William Wordsworth showed that he could do it if he really tried when
+describing a pond:
+ "I've measured it from side to side;
+ Tis three feet long and two feet wide."
+ -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
+%
+The Worst Musical Trio
+ There are few bad musicians who have a chance to give a recital at
+a famous concert hall while still learning the rudiments of their
+instrument. This happened about thirty years ago to the son of a Rumanian
+gentleman who was owed a personal favour by Georges Enesco, the celebrated
+violinist. Enesco agreed to give lessons to the son who was quite
+unhampered by great musical talent.
+ Three years later the boy's father insisted that he give a public
+concert. "His aunt said that nobody plays the violin better than he does.
+A cousin heard him the other day and screamed with enthusiasm." Although
+Enesco feared the consequences, he arranged a recital at the Salle Gaveau
+in Paris. However, nobody bought a ticket since the soloist was unknown.
+ "Then you must accompany him on the piano," said the boy's father,
+"and it will be a sell out."
+ Reluctantly, Enesco agreed and it was. On the night an excited
+audience gathered. Before the concert began Enesco became nervous and
+asked for someone to turn his pages.
+ In the audience was Alfred Cortot, the brilliant pianist, who
+volunteered and made his way to the stage.
+ The soloist was of uniformly low standard and next morning the
+music critic of Le Figaro wrote: "There was a strange concert at the Salle
+Gaveau last night. The man whom we adore when he plays the violin played
+the piano. Another whom we adore when he plays the piano turned the pages.
+But the man who should have turned the pages played the violin."
+ -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
+%
+The worst part of having success is trying
+to find someone who is happy for you.
+ -- Bette Midler
+%
+The worst part of valor is indiscretion.
+%
+The Worst Prison Guards
+ The largest number of convicts ever to escape simultaneously from a
+maximum security prison is 124. This record is held by Alcoente Prison,
+near Lisbon in Portugal.
+ During the weeks leading up to the escape in July 1978 the prison
+warders had noticed that attendances had fallen at film shows which
+included "The Great Escape", and also that 220 knives and a huge quantity
+of electric cable had disappeared. A guard explained, "Yes, we were
+planning to look for them, but never got around to it." The warders had
+not, however, noticed the gaping holes in the wall because they were
+"covered with posters". Nor did they detect any of the spades, chisels,
+water hoses and electric drills amassed by the inmates in large quantities.
+The night before the breakout one guard had noticed that of the 36
+prisoners in his block only 13 were present. He said this was "normal"
+because inmates sometimes missed roll-call or hid, but usually came back
+the next morning.
+ "We only found out about the escape at 6:30 the next morning when
+one of the prisoners told us," a warder said later. [...] When they
+eventually checked, the prison guards found that exactly half of the gaol's
+population was missing. By way of explanation the Justice Minister, Dr.
+Santos Pais, claimed that the escape was "normal" and part of the
+"legitimate desire of the prisoner to regain his liberty."
+ -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
+%
+The worst sin towards our fellow creatures is not to hate them,
+but to be indifferent to them; that's the essence of inhumanity.
+ -- G.B. Shaw
+%
+The worst thing about some men is that when they are not drunk they
+are sober.
+ -- William Butler Yeats
+%
+The worst thing one can do is not to try, to be aware of what one
+wants and not give in to it, to spend years in silent hurt wondering
+if something could have materialized -- and never knowing.
+ -- David Viscott
+%
+The Wright Brothers weren't the first to fly.
+They were just the first not to crash.
+%
+The yankees, son, are up north.
+The damnyankees are down here.
+%
+The years of peak mental activity are undoubtedly between the ages of
+four and eighteen. At four we know all the questions, at eighteen all
+the answers.
+%
+The young Georgia miss came to the hospital for a checkup.
+ "Have you been X-rayed?" asked the doctor.
+ "Nope," she said, "but ah've been ultraviolated."
+%
+The young lady had an unusual list,
+Linked in part to a structural weakness.
+She set no preconditions.
+%
+The young man-about-town enjoyed luxury but didn't always have the means
+to buy it, and so he huffily walked out of the Miami Beach hotel when he
+found out the charges for room, meals and golf privileges were $300 a day.
+He registered across the street at an equally elegant hotel, where the
+rates were only $70. The following morning he went down to the hotel's
+golf course and asked Scotty, the pro, to sell him a couple of golf balls.
+"Sure," said Scotty. "That'll be $25 apiece."
+ "What?" screamed the bachelor. "In the hotel across the street
+they only charge $1 a ball!"
+ "Naturally," replied the pro. "Over there they get you by the
+rooms."
+%
+THEGODDESSOFTHENETHASTWISTINGFINGERSANDHERVOICEISLIKEAJAVALININTHENIGHTDUDE
+%
+Their idea of an offer you can't refuse is an offer...
+and you'd better not refuse.
+%
+Them as has, gets.
+%
+Then, gently touching my face, she hesitated for a moment as her
+incredible eyes poured forth into mine love, joy, pain, tragedy,
+acceptance, and peace. "'Bye for now," she said warmly.
+ -- Thea Alexander, "2150 A.D."
+%
+Then there was LSD, which was supposed to make you think you could fly.
+I remember it made you think you couldn't stand up, and mostly it was
+right.
+ -- P.J. O'Rourke
+%
+Then there was the Formosan bartender named Taiwan-On.
+%
+Then there was the ScoutMaster who got a fantastic deal on this case of
+Tates brand compasses for his troup; only $1.25 each! Only problem was,
+when they got them out in the woods, the compasses were all stuck pointing
+to the "W" on the dial.
+
+Moral:
+ He who has a Tates is lost!
+%
+"Then you admit confirming not denying you ever said that?"
+"NO! ... I mean Yes! WHAT?"
+"I'll put `maybe.'"
+ -- Bloom County
+%
+Theology is an attempt to explain a subject by men who do not understand
+it. The intent is not to tell the truth but to satisfy the questioner.
+ -- Elbert Hubbard
+%
+Theorem: a cat has nine tails.
+Proof:
+ No cat has eight tails. A cat has one tail more than no cat.
+ Therefore, a cat has nine tails.
+%
+Theorem: All positive integers are equal.
+Proof: Sufficient to show that for any two positive integers, A and B, A = B.
+ Further, it is sufficient to show that for all N > 0, if A and B
+ (positive integers) satisfy (MAX(A, B) = N) then A = B.
+
+Proceed by induction:
+ If N = 1, then A and B, being positive integers, must both be 1.
+ So A = B.
+
+Assume that the theorem is true for some value k. Take A and B with
+ MAX(A, B) = k+1. Then MAX((A-1), (B-1)) = k. And hence
+ (A-1) = (B-1). Consequently, A = B.
+%
+Theorem: All programs are dull.
+
+Proof: Assume the contrary; i.e., the set of interesting programs is
+nonempty. Arrange them (or it) in order of interest (note that all
+sets can be well ordered, so do it properly). The minimal element is
+the "least interesting program", the obvious dullness of which provides
+the contradictory denouement we so devoutly seek.
+ -- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary"
+%
+THEORY:
+ System of ideas meant to explain something, chosen with a view to
+ originality, controversialism, incomprehensibility, and how good
+ it will look in print.
+%
+Theory is gray, but the golden tree of life is green.
+ -- Goethe
+%
+Theory of Selective Supervision:
+ The one time in the day that you lean back and relax is
+ the one time the boss walks through the office.
+%
+There appears before you a threatening figure clad all over in heavy black
+armor. His legs seem like the massive trunk of the oak tree. His broad
+shoulders and helmeted head loom high over your own puny frame and you
+realize that his powerful arms could easily crush the very life from your
+body. There hangs from his belt a veritable arsenal of deadly weapons:
+sword, mace, ball and chain, dagger, lance, and trident.
+He speaks with a commanding voice:
+
+ "YOU SHALL NOT PASS"
+
+As he grabs you by the neck all grows dim about you.
+%
+There appears to be irrefutable evidence that
+the mere fact of overcrowding induces violence.
+ -- Harvey Wheeler
+%
+There are a few things that never go out of style,
+and a feminine woman is one of them.
+ -- Ralston
+%
+There are a lot of lies going around.... and half of them are true.
+ -- Winston Churchill
+%
+There are bad times just around the corner,
+There are dark clouds hurtling through the sky
+And it's no good whining
+About a silver lining
+For we know from experience that they won't roll by...
+ -- Noel Coward
+%
+There are few people more often in the wrong
+than those who cannot endure to be thought so.
+%
+There are few virtues that the Poles do not possess --
+and there are few mistakes they have ever avoided.
+ -- W. Churchill, Parliament, August, 1945
+%
+There are four kinds of homicide: felonious,
+excusable, justifiable, and praiseworthy...
+ -- Ambrose Bierce
+%
+There are four stages to a marriage. First there's the affair, then there's
+the marriage, then children and finally the fourth stage, without which you
+cannot know a woman, the divorce.
+ -- Norman Mailer
+%
+There are in this country two very large monopolies. The larger of the
+two has the following record: The Vietnam War, Watergate, double-digit
+inflation, fuel and energy shortages, bankrupt airlines, and the 8-cent
+postcard. The second is responsible for such things as the transistor,
+the solar cell, lasers, synthetic crystals, high fidelity stereo recording,
+sound motion pictures, radio astronomy, negative feedback, magnetic tape,
+magnetic "bubbles", electronic switching systems, microwave radio and TV
+relay systems, information theory, the first electrical digital computer,
+and the first communications satellite. Guess which one is going to tell
+the other how to run the telephone business? I can hardly wait for the
+results.
+%
+There are many intelligent species in
+the universe, and they all own cats.
+%
+There are many of us in this old world of ours who hold that things break
+about even for all of us. I have observed, for example, that we all get
+about the same amount of ice. The rich get it in the summer and the poor
+get it in the winter.
+ -- Bat Masterson
+%
+There are many people today who literally do not have a close personal
+friend. They may know something that we don't. They are probably
+avoiding a great deal of pain.
+%
+There are more dead people than living, and their numbers are increasing.
+ -- Eugene Ionesco
+%
+There are more old drunkards than old doctors.
+%
+There are more things in heaven and earth than any place else.
+%
+There are more things in heaven and earth,
+Horatio, than are dreamt of in your philosophy.
+ -- Hamlet
+%
+There are more ways of killing a cat than choking her with cream.
+%
+There are never any bugs you haven't found yet.
+%
+There are new messages.
+%
+There are no accidents whatsoever in the universe.
+ -- Baba Ram Dass
+%
+There are no answers, only cross-references.
+ -- Weiner
+%
+There are no emotional victims, only volunteers.
+%
+There are no great men, buster. There are only men.
+ -- Elaine Stewart, "The Bad and the Beautiful"
+%
+There are no great men, only great challenges that
+ordinary men are forced by circumstances to meet.
+ -- Admiral William Halsey
+%
+There are no manifestos like cannon and musketry.
+ -- The Duke of Wellington
+%
+There are no physicists in the hottest parts of hell, because the existence
+of a "hottest part" implies a temperature difference, and any marginally
+competent physicist would immediately use this to run a heat engine and make
+some other part of hell comfortably cool. This is obviously impossible.
+ -- Richard Davisson
+%
+There are no rules for March. March is spring, sort
+of, usually, March means maybe, but don't bet on it.
+%
+There are no winners in life, only survivors.
+%
+There are only two kinds of men -- the dead and the deadly.
+ -- Helen Rowland
+%
+There are only two kinds of tequila. Good and better.
+%
+There are only two things in this world that I am sure of, death and
+taxes, and we just might do something about death one of these days.
+ -- shades
+%
+There are people so addicted to exaggeration
+that they can't tell the truth without lying.
+ -- Josh Billings
+%
+There are people who find it odd to eat four or five Chinese meals
+in a row; in China, I often remind them, there are a billion or so
+people who find nothing odd about it.
+ -- Calvin Trillin
+%
+There are places I'll remember
+All my life though some have changed.
+Some forever not for better
+Some have gone and some remain.
+All these places had their moments
+With lovers and friends I still recall.
+Some are dead and some are living,
+In my life I've loved them all.
+
+But of all these friends and lovers,
+There is no one compared with you,
+All these memories lose their meaning
+When I think of love as something new.
+Though I know I'll never lose affection
+For people and things that went before,
+I know I'll often stop and think about them
+In my life I'll love you more.
+ -- Lennon/McCartney, "In My Life", 1965
+%
+There are running jobs.
+Why don't you go chase them?
+%
+There are some micro-organisms that exhibit characteristics of both
+plants and animals. When exposed to light they undergo photosynthesis;
+and when the lights go out, they turn into animals. But then again,
+don't we all.
+%
+There are strange things done in the midnight sun
+ By the men who moil for gold;
+The Arctic trails have their secret tales
+ That would make your blood run cold;
+The Northern Lights have seen queer sights,
+ But the queerest they ever did see
+Was that night on the marge of Lake Lebarge
+ I cremated Sam McGee.
+ -- Robert W. Service
+%
+There are ten or twenty basic truths, and life
+is the process of discovering them over and over and over.
+ -- David Nichols
+%
+There are those who claim that magic is like the tide; that it swells and
+fades over the surface of the earth, collecting in concentrated pools here
+and there, almost disappearing from other spots, leaving them parched for
+wonder. There are also those who believe that if you stick your fingers up
+your nose and blow, it will increase your intelligence.
+ -- The Teachings of Ebenezum, Volume VII
+%
+There are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies and statistics.
+ -- Benjamin Disraeli
+%
+There are three kinds of people: men, women, and unix.
+%
+There are three possibilities:
+Pioneer's solar panel has turned away from the sun;
+there's a large meteor blocking transmission;
+someone loaded Star Trek 3.2 into our video processor.
+%
+There are three possible parts to a date, of which at least two must be
+offered: entertainment, food, and affection. It is customary to begin a
+series of dates with a great deal of entertainment, a moderate amount of
+food, and the merest suggestion of affection. As the amount of affection
+increases, the entertainment can be reduced proportionately. When the
+affection IS the entertainment, we no longer call it dating. Under no
+circumstances can the food be omitted.
+ -- Miss Manners' Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behaviour
+%
+There are three reasons for becoming a writer: the first is that you need
+the money; the second that you have something to say that you think the
+world should know; the third is that you can't think what to do with the
+long winter evenings.
+ -- Quentin Crisp
+%
+There are three rules for writing a novel.
+Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.
+ -- Maugham
+%
+There are three schools of magic. One: State a tautology, then ring the
+changes on its corollaries; that's philosophy. Two: Record many facts.
+Try to find a pattern. Then make a wrong guess at the next fact; that's
+science. Three: Be aware that you live in a malevolent Universe controlled
+by Murphy's Law, sometimes offset by Brewster's Factor; that's engineering.
+%
+There are three things I always forget. Names, faces -- the third I
+can't remember.
+ -- Italo Svevo
+%
+There are three things I have always loved
+and never understood -- art, music, and women.
+%
+There are three things men can do with women:
+love them, suffer for them, or turn them into literature.
+ -- Stephen Stills
+%
+There are three ways to get something done:
+
+ 1: Do it yourself.
+ 2: Hire someone to do it for you.
+ 3: Forbid your kids to do it.
+%
+There are three ways to get something done:
+do it yourself, hire someone, or forbid your kids to do it.
+%
+There are twenty-five people left in the world,
+and twenty-seven of them are hamburgers.
+ -- Ed Sanders
+%
+There are two jazz musicians who are great buddies. They hang out and play
+together for years, virtually inseparable. Unfortunately, one of them is
+struck by a truck and killed. About a week later his friend wakes up in
+the middle of the night with a start because he can feel a presence in the
+room. He calls out, "Who's there? Who's there? What's going on?"
+ "It's me -- Bob," replies a faraway voice.
+ Excitedly he sits up in bed. "Bob! Bob! Is that you? Where are
+you?"
+ "Well," says the voice, "I'm in heaven now."
+ "Heaven! You're in heaven! That's wonderful! What's it like?"
+ "It's great, man. I gotta tell you, I'm jamming up here every day.
+I'm playing with Bird, and 'Trane, and Count Basie drops in all the time!
+Man it is smokin'!"
+ "Oh, wow!" says his friend. "That sounds fantastic, tell me more,
+tell me more!"
+ "Let me put it this way," continues the voice. "There's good news
+and bad news. The good news is that these guys are in top form. I mean
+I have *never* heard them sound better. They are *wailing* up here."
+ "The bad news is that God has this girlfriend that sings..."
+%
+There are two kinds of fool. One says, "This is old, and therefore good."
+And one says, "This is new, and therefore better"
+ -- John Brunner, "The Shockwave Rider"
+%
+There are two kinds of pedestrians... the quick and the dead.
+ -- Lord Thomas Rober Dewar
+%
+There are two major products that come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX.
+We don't believe this to be a coincidence.
+ -- Jeremy S. Anderson
+%
+There are two problems with a major hangover. You feel
+like you are going to die and you're afraid that you won't.
+%
+There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman -- before
+marriage and after marriage.
+%
+There are two ways of constructing a software design. One way is to make
+it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies and the other is to
+make it so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies.
+ -- C.A.R. Hoare
+%
+There are two ways of disliking art.
+One is to dislike it.
+The other is to like it rationally.
+ -- Oscar Wilde
+%
+There are two ways of disliking poetry;
+one way is to dislike it, the other is to read Pope.
+ -- Oscar Wilde
+%
+There are two ways to write error-free
+programs; only the third one works.
+%
+There are very few personal problems that cannot be
+solved through a suitable application of high explosives.
+%
+There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening
+with an insurance salesman?
+ -- Woody Allen
+%
+There be sober men a'plenty, and drunkards barely twenty; there are men
+of over ninety who have never yet kissed a girl. But give me the rambling
+rover, from Orkney down to Dover, we will roam the whole world over, and
+together we'll face the world.
+ -- Andy Stewart, "After the Hush"
+%
+There but for the grace of God, goes God.
+ -- Winston Churchill, speaking of Sir Stafford Cripps.
+%
+There can be no daily democracy without daily citizenship.
+ -- Ralph Nader
+%
+There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.
+ -- Henry Kissinger
+%
+There comes a time in the affairs of a man when he
+has to take the bull by the tail and face the situation.
+ -- W.C. Fields
+%
+There comes a time to stop being angry.
+ -- A Small Circle of Friends
+%
+There exist tasks which cannot be done
+by more than 10 men or fewer than 100.
+ -- Steele's Law
+%
+There goes the good time that was had by all.
+ -- Bette Davis, remarking on a passing starlet
+%
+There has also been some work to allow the interesting use of macro names.
+For example, if you wanted all of your "creat()" calls to include read
+permissions for everyone, you could say
+
+ #define creat(file, mode) creat(file, mode | 0444)
+
+ I would recommend against this kind of thing in general, since it
+hides the changed semantics of "creat()" in a macro, potentially far away
+from its uses.
+ To allow this use of macros, the preprocessor uses a process that
+is worth describing, if for no other reason than that we get to use one of
+the more amusing terms introduced into the C lexicon. While a macro is
+being expanded, it is temporarily undefined, and any recurrence of the macro
+name is "painted blue" -- I kid you not, this is the official terminology
+-- so that in future scans of the text the macro will not be expanded
+recursively. (I do not know why the color blue was chosen; I'm sure it
+was the result of a long debate, spread over several meetings.)
+ -- From Ken Arnold's "C Advisor" column in Unix Review
+%
+There has been a little distress selling on the stock exchange.
+ -- Thomas W. Lamont, October 29, 1929
+%
+There has been an alarming increase in the
+number of things you know nothing about.
+%
+There is a 20% chance of tomorrow.
+%
+There is a building with four floors. On the first floor, there
+is a convention of architects. On the second floor, there is a
+vinyl manufacturing plant. On the third floor there is a fast food
+stand, and on the fourth floor there is a library.
+
+Q: What would happen if a librarian traveled down in a small
+ elevator with one other person from each floor?
+A: The elevator would be full.
+%
+There is a certain frame of mind to which a cemetery
+is, if not an antidote, at least an alleviation. If
+you are in a fit of the blues, go nowhere else.
+ --Robert Louis Stevenson: Immortelles
+%
+There is a certain impertinence in allowing oneself to be burned for an
+opinion.
+ -- Anatole France
+%
+There is a fly on your nose.
+%
+There is a good deal of solemn cant about the common interests of capital
+and labour. As matters stand, their only common interest is that of cutting
+each other's throat.
+ -- Brooks Atkinson, "Once Around the Sun"
+%
+There is a great discovery still to be made in Literature:
+that of paying literary men by the quantity they do NOT write.
+%
+There is a green, multi-legged creature crawling on your shoulder.
+%
+There is a limit to the admiration we may hold for a man who spends
+his waking hours poking the contents of chickens with a stick.
+ -- Tom Robbins, "Jitterbug Perfume"
+%
+There is a new anti-communist organization that advocates the use of
+wooden toilet seats.
+
+It's called the Birch John Society.
+%
+There is a road to freedom. Its milestones are Obedience, Endeavor, Honesty,
+Order, Cleanliness, Sobriety, Truthfulness, Sacrifice, and love of the
+Fatherland.
+ -- Adolf Hitler
+%
+There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly
+what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear
+and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There
+is another theory which states that this has already happened.
+ -- The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
+%
+There is a time in the tides of men,
+Which, taken at its flood, leads on to success.
+On the other hand, don't count on it.
+ -- T.K. Lawson
+%
+There is a vast difference between the savage and civilized man, but it
+is never apparent to their wives until after breakfast.
+ -- Helen Rowland
+%
+There is always more hell that needs raising.
+ -- Lauren Leveut
+%
+There is always one thing to remember: writers are always selling
+somebody out.
+ -- Joan Didion, "Slouching Towards Bethlehem"
+%
+There is always someone worse off than yourself.
+%
+There is always something new out of Africa.
+ -- Gaius Plinius Secundus
+%
+There is an innocence in admiration; it is found in those to whom it
+has not yet occurred that they, too, might be admired some day.
+ -- Friedrich Nietzsche
+%
+There is an old time toast which is golden for its beauty.
+"When you ascend the hill of prosperity may you not meet a friend."
+ -- Mark Twain
+%
+There is brutality and there is honesty.
+There is no such thing as brutal honesty.
+%
+There is grandeur in this view of life, with its several powers,
+having been originally breathed into a few forms or into one; and that,
+whilst this planet has gone cycling on according to the fixed law of
+gravity, from so simple a beginning endless forms most beautiful and
+most wonderful have been, and are being, evolved.
+ -- Darwin
+%
+There is hardly a thing in the world that some man can
+not make a little worse and sell a little cheaper.
+%
+There is hopeful symbolism in the fact that flags do not wave in a vacuum.
+ -- Arthur C. Clarke
+%
+There is in certain living souls
+A quality of loneliness unspeakable,
+So great it must be shared
+As company is shared by lesser beings.
+Such a loneliness is mine; so know by this
+That in immensity
+There is one lonelier than you.
+%
+There is, in fact, no reason to believe that any given natural phenomenon,
+however marvelous it may seem today, will remain forever inexplicable.
+Soon or late the laws governing the production of life itself will be
+discovered in the laboratory, and man may set up business as a creator
+on his own account. The thing, indeed, is not only conceivable; it is
+even highly probable.
+ -- H.L. Mencken, 1930
+%
+There is is no reason for any individual to have a computer in their home.
+ -- Ken Olsen (President of Digital Equipment Corporation),
+ Convention of the World Future Society, in Boston, 1977
+%
+There is Jackson standing like a stone wall. Let us determine to die,
+and we will conquer. Follow me.
+ -- General Barnard E. Bee (CSA)
+%
+There is more simplicity in a man who eats caviar on impulse than in a
+man who eats Grapenuts on principle.
+ -- G.K. Chesterton
+%
+There is more simplicity in the man who eats caviar on impulse than in the
+man who eats Grap-Nuts on principle.
+ -- G.K. Chesterton
+%
+There is more to life than increasing its speed.
+ -- Mahatma Gandhi
+%
+There is more to life than increasing its speed.
+ -- Mohandis K. Gandhi
+%
+There is much Obi-Wan did not tell you.
+ -- Darth Vader
+%
+There is never enough time to do it right the first time, but there is
+always enough time to do it over.
+%
+There is never time to do it right, but always time to do it over.
+%
+There is no act of treachery or mean-ness of which a political party
+is not capable; for in politics there is no honour.
+ -- Benjamin Disraeli, "Vivian Grey"
+%
+There is no better way of exercising the imagination than the study of law.
+No poet ever interpreted nature as freely as a lawyer interprets truth.
+ -- Jean Giraudoux, "Tiger at the Gates"
+%
+There is no better way to exercise the imagination than the study of the law.
+No artist ever interpreted nature as freely as a lawyer interprets the truth.
+ -- Jean Giradoux
+%
+"There is no choice before us. Either we must Succeed in providing
+the rational coordination of impulses and guts, or for centuries
+civilization will sink into a mere welter of minor excitements.
+We must provide a Great Age or see the collapse of the upward
+striving of the human race"
+ -- Alfred North Whitehead
+%
+There is no comfort without pain; thus
+we define salvation through suffering.
+ -- Cato
+%
+There is no cure for birth and death other than to enjoy the interval.
+ -- George Santayana
+%
+There is no delight the equal of dread.
+As long as it is somebody else's.
+ --Clive Barker
+%
+There is no distinction between any AI program and some existent game.
+%
+There is no distinctly native American criminal class except Congress.
+ -- Mark Twain
+%
+There is no doubt that my lawyer is honest. For example, when he
+filed his income tax return last year, he declared half of his salary
+as 'unearned income.'
+ -- Michael Lara
+%
+There is no education that is not political. An apolitical
+education is also political because it is purposely isolating.
+%
+There is no Father Christmas. It's just a marketing ploy to make low income
+parents' lives a misery. ... I want you to picture the trusting face of a
+child, streaked with tears because of what you just said. I want you to
+picture the face of its mother, because one week's dole won't pay for one
+Master of the Universe Battlecruiser!
+ -- Filthy Rich and Catflap
+%
+There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear.
+%
+There is no fool to the old fool.
+ -- John Heywood
+%
+There is no future in time travel.
+%
+There is no grief which time does not lessen and soften.
+%
+There is no hunting like the hunting of man, and those who have hunted
+armed men long enough and liked it, never care for anything else thereafter.
+ -- Ernest Hemingway
+%
+There is no likelihood man can ever tap the power of the atom.
+ -- Robert Millikan, Nobel Prize in Physics, 1923
+%
+There is no ox so dumb as the orthodox.
+ -- George Francis Gillette
+%
+There is no point in waiting.
+The train stopped running years ago.
+All the schedules, the brochures,
+The bright-colored posters full of lies,
+Promise rides to a distant country
+That no longer exists.
+%
+There is no proverb that is not true.
+ -- Cervantes
+%
+There is no realizable power that man cannot, in time, fashion the tools
+to attain, nor any power so secure that the naked ape will not abuse it.
+So it is written in the genetic cards -- only physics and war hold him in
+check. And also the wife who wants him home by five, of course.
+ -- Encyclopadia Apocryphia, 1990 ed.
+%
+There is no royal road to geometry.
+ -- Euclid
+%
+There is no sadder sight than a young pessimist.
+%
+There is no satisfaction in hanging a man who does not object to it.
+ -- G.B. Shaw
+%
+There is no security on this earth. There is only opportunity.
+ -- General Douglas MacArthur
+%
+There is no sin but ignorance.
+ -- Christopher Marlowe
+%
+There is no sincerer love than the love of food.
+ -- George Bernard Shaw
+%
+There is no statute of limitations on stupidity.
+%
+There is no substitute for good manners, except, perhaps, fast reflexes.
+%
+There *is* no such thing as a civil engineer.
+%
+There is no such thing as a free lunch.
+%
+There is no such thing as a problem without a gift for you in its hands.
+%
+There is no such thing as an ugly woman -- there are only
+the ones who do not know how to make themselves attractive.
+ -- Christian Dior
+%
+There is no such thing as inner peace. There is only nervousness or death.
+Any attempt to prove otherwise constitutes unacceptable behaviour.
+ -- Fran Lebowitz, "Metropolitan Life"
+%
+There is no such thing as pure pleasure;
+some anxiety always goes with it.
+%
+There is no time like the pleasant.
+%
+There is no time like the present
+for postponing what you ought to be doing.
+%
+There is not a man in the country that can't make a living for himself and
+family. But he can't make a living for them *and* his government, too,
+the way his government is living. What the government has got to do is
+live as cheap as the people.
+ -- The Best of Will Rogers
+%
+There is not much to choose between a woman who deceives
+us for another, and a woman who deceives another for ourselves.
+ -- Augier
+%
+There is not opinion so absurd that some philosopher will not express it.
+ -- Marcus Tullius Cicero, "Ad familiares"
+%
+There is nothing more exhilarating than to be shot at without result.
+ -- Churchill
+%
+There is nothing more silly than a silly laugh.
+ -- Gaius Valerius Catullus
+%
+There is nothing new except what has been forgotten.
+ -- Marie Antoinette
+%
+There is nothing so easy but that it becomes difficult
+when you do it reluctantly.
+ -- Publius Terentius Afer (Terence)
+%
+There is nothing stranger in a strange land than the stranger who
+comes to visit.
+%
+There is nothing which cannot be answered by means of my doctrine," said
+a monk, coming into a teahouse where Nasrudin sat.
+ "And yet just a short time ago, I was challenged by a scholar with
+an unanswerable question," said Nasrudin.
+ "I could have answered it if I had been there."
+ "Very well. He asked, 'Why are you breaking into my house in
+the middle of the night?'"
+%
+There is nothing wrong with abstinence, in moderation.
+%
+There is nothing wrong with writing ... as long as it
+is done in private and you wash your hands afterward.
+%
+There is one difference between a tax collector and
+a taxidermist -- the taxidermist leaves the hide.
+ -- Mortimer Caplan
+%
+There is one way to find out if a man is honest -- ask him. If he says
+"Yes" you know he is crooked.
+ -- Groucho Marx
+%
+There is only one thing in the world worse than being
+talked about, and that is not being talked about.
+ -- Oscar Wilde
+%
+There is only one way to be happy by means of the heart -- to have none.
+ -- Paul Bourget
+%
+There is only one way to console a widow. But remember the risk.
+ -- Robert Heinlein
+%
+There is only one way to kill capitalism --
+by taxes, taxes, and more taxes.
+ -- Karl Marx
+%
+There is only one word for aid that is genuinely without strings,
+and that word is blackmail.
+ -- Colm Brogan
+%
+There is perhaps in every thing of any consequence, secret history, which
+it would be amusing to know, could we have it authentically communicated.
+ -- James Boswell
+%
+There is something fascinating about science. One gets such wholesale
+returns of conjecture out of such a trifling investment of fact.
+ -- Mark Twain
+%
+There is something in the pang of change
+More than the heart can bear,
+Unhappiness remembering happiness.
+ -- Euripides
+%
+There is very little future in being right when your boss is wrong.
+%
+There isn't room enough in this dress for both of us!
+%
+There may be said to be two classes of people in the world; those who
+constantly divide the people of the world into two classes and those
+who do not.
+ -- Robert Benchley
+%
+There must be at least 500,000,000 rats in the United
+States; of course, I never heard the story before.
+%
+There must be more to life than having everything.
+ -- Maurice Sendak
+%
+There never was a good war or a bad peace.
+ -- B. Franklin
+%
+There once was a king who ruled his country long, wisely, and well. The
+king had a son whom he hoped would someday rule the land. He also wished
+in his heart that the son ould be wise and compassionate. One day he said
+to the prince:
+ "If you promised that you would give a certain women anything, even
+half of your kingdom, and then she demanded the life of your best friend,
+what would your decision be, my son?"
+ The young prince thought for a moment and then said, "I would tell
+her that she was my best friend, and cut her head off."
+ The king knew that his son would be a great king.
+%
+There once was a king who ruled his country long, wisely, and well. The
+king had a son whom he hoped would someday rule the land. He also wished
+in his heart that the son ould be wise and compassionate. One day he said
+to the prince:
+ "If you promised that you would give a certain women anything, even
+half of your kingdom, and then she demanded the life of your best friend,
+what would your decision be, my son?"
+ The young prince thought for a moment and then said, "I would tell
+her that the life of my best friend did not lie in the half of the kingdom
+that I had promised."
+ The king knew that his son would be a great king.
+%
+There seems no plan because it is all plan.
+ -- C.S. Lewis
+%
+There was a boy called Eustace Clarence Scrubb, and he almost deserved it."
+ -- C.S. Lewis, "The Chronicles of Narnia"
+%
+There was a little girl
+Who had a little curl
+Right in the middle of her forehead.
+When she was good, she was very, very good
+And when she was bad, she was very, very popular.
+ -- Max Miller, "The Max Miller Blue Book"
+%
+There was a man who enjoyed playing golf, and could occasionallly put up
+with taking in a round with his wife. One time (with his wife along) he
+was having an extremely bad round. On the 12th hole, he sliced a drive
+over by a grounds-keepers' shack. Although he did not have a clear shot
+to the green, his wife noticed that there were two doors on the shack,
+and there was a possibility that, if both doors were opened, he might be
+able to hit through. Without hesitation, he instructed his wife to go
+around to the other side and open the far door. Sure enough, this gave
+him a clear path to the green. He stepped up to his ball and prepared
+to hit. His wife had been standing by the far door waiting for him to
+hit through. After a moment, she became curious and stuck her head in
+the doorway, to see what he was doing. At that exact moment, the husband
+cracked a three-wood that hit his wife square on the forehead, killing
+her instantly. A few weeks later, the man was playing a round at the same
+course, this time with a friend of his. Once again on the 12th hole, he
+sliced his drive to the shack. His friend suggested that he might be able
+to hit through, if he was to open both doors.
+ "Nah", replied the man, "Last time I did that I took a 7".
+%
+There was a phone call for you.
+%
+There was a plane crash over mid-ocean, and only three survivors were
+left in the life-raft: the Pope, the President, and Mayor Daley.
+Unfortunately, it was a one-man life-raft, and quickly sinking, so
+they started debating who should be allowed to stay. The Pope pointed
+out that he was the spiritual leader of millions all over the world,
+the President explained that if he died then America would be stuck
+with the Vice-President, and so forth. Then Mayor Daley said, "Look!
+We're not solving anything like this! The only fair thing to do is
+to vote on it." So they did, and Mayor Daley won by 97 votes.
+%
+There was a writer in 'Life' magazine ... who claimed that rabbits have
+no memory, which is one of their defensive mechanisms. If they recalled
+every close shave they had in the course of just an hour life would become
+insupportable.
+ -- Kurt Vonnegut
+%
+There was a young man from Brazil,
+And a lady who'd not take the pill,
+ They lay on the sofa,
+ And a <$H12{ot]{ok]{ob{o[]{oR{oK{oDpo~po~pot~poe~{ o!po~po~poq~
+n~po_~{o[po ~poz~pok~po\~{o
+8]{o/pomF~po^~{opoh~poY~{opoc~poT~{op~po^~poO~{o[~poY~ poJ~{oF~poT~poE~{o1~
+%
+There was a young man from LeDoux,
+Whose limericks stopped at line two.
+
+There was a young man from Verdunne.
+
+ [Actually, there are three limericks in this series, the third one
+ is about some guy named Nero. If anyone has a copy of it, please
+ mail it to "fortune". Ed.]
+%
+There was an old Indian belief that by making love on the hide of
+their favorite animal, one could guarantee the health and prosperity
+of the offspring conceived thereupon. And so it goes that one Indian
+couple made love on a buffalo hide. Nine months later, they were
+blessed with a healthy baby son. Yet another couple huddled together
+on the hide of a deer and they too were blessed with a very healthy
+baby son. But a third couple, whose favorite animal was a hippopotamus,
+were blessed with not one, but TWO very healthy baby sons at the conclusion
+of the nine month interval. All of which proves the old theorem that:
+The sons of the squaw of the hippopotamus are equal to the sons of
+the squaws of the other two hides.
+%
+There was, it appeared, a mysterious rite of initiation through which,
+in one way or another, almost every member of the team passed. The term
+that the old hands used for this rite -- West invented the term, not the
+practice -- was `signing up.' By signing up for the project you agreed
+to do whatever was necessary for success. You agreed to forsake, if
+necessary, family, hobbies, and friends -- if you had any of these left
+(and you might not, if you had signed up too many times before).
+ -- Tracy Kidder, "The Soul of a New Machine"
+%
+There was this New Yorker that had a lifelong ambition to be an Texan.
+Fortunately, he had an Texan friend and went to him for advice. "Mike,
+you know I've always wanted to be a Texan. You're a *real* Texan, what
+should I do?"
+ "Well," answered Mike, "The first thing you've got to do is look
+like a Texan. That means you have to dress right. The second thing
+you've got to do is speak in a southern drawl."
+ "Thanks, Mike, I'll give it a try," replied the New Yorker.
+ A few weeks passed and the New Yorker saunters into a store dressed
+in a ten-gallon hat, cowboy boots, Levi jeans and a bandanna. "Hey, there,
+pardner, I'd like some beef, not too rare, and some of them fresh biscuits,"
+he tells the counterman.
+ The guy behind the counter takes a long look at him and then says,
+"You must be from New York."
+ The New Yorker blushes, and says, "Well, yes, I am. How did
+you know?"
+ "Because this is a hardware store."
+%
+There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when
+the boss asks for a lift home from office.
+%
+There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when
+the boss asks for a lift home from the office.
+%
+There will be big changes for you but you will be happy.
+%
+There will be sex after death, we just won't be able to feel it.
+ -- Lily Tomlin
+%
+Therefore it is necessary to learn how not to be good, and to use
+this knowledge and not use it, according to the necessity of the cause.
+ -- Machiavelli
+%
+There's a couple of million dollars worth of baseball talent on the loose,
+ready for the big leagues, yet unsigned by any major league. There are
+pitchers who would win 20 games a season ... and outfielders [who] could
+hit .350, infielders who could win recognition as stars, and there's at
+least one catcher who at this writing is probably superior to Bill Dickey,
+Josh Gibson. Only one thing is keeping them out of the big leagues, the
+pigmentation of their skin. They happen to be colored.
+ -- Shirley Povich, 1941
+%
+There's a fine line between courage and foolishness.
+Too bad it's not a fence.
+%
+There's a lesson that I need to remember
+When everything is falling apart
+In life, just like in loving
+There's such a thing as trying to hard
+
+You've gotta sing
+Like you don't need the money
+Love like you'll never get hurt
+You've gotta dance
+Like nobody's watching
+It's gotta come from the heart
+If you want it to work.
+ -- Kathy Mattea
+%
+There's a lot to be said for not saying a lot.
+%
+There's a man deeply in debt, see, and he takes the money he has left
+and goes to Monte Carlo to try to recoup at the roulette tables. Won a
+little, lost a lot, and was down to his last franc. Prayed for help.
+A voice whispered in his ear: "Le rouge..." Man looked around; nobody
+there. What the hell -- he puts his last franc on the red, and it won.
+The voice immediately said, "Encore le rouge..." Played red again, and
+it won again. The voice said, "Impair..." Played odd, and it won. Voice
+said, "Quinze..." so he put all the money on 15, and it won. This went
+on for hours, the voice telling him what to bet, and the man putting all
+his money on what the voice said, and winning. Finally when the voice
+spoke, the man protested that he'd won millions of dollars and wanted to
+quit. The voice was inexorable: "Douze..." The man put the money on 12,
+and 11 came up -- he had lost everything -- the voice murmured "Merde!!"
+%
+There's a thrill in store for all for we're about to toast
+The corporation that we represent.
+We're here to cheer each pioneer and also proudly boast,
+Of that man of men our sterling president
+The name of T.J. Watson means
+A courage none can stem
+And we feel honored to be here to toast the IBM.
+ -- Ever Onward, from the 1940 IBM Songbook
+%
+There's a trick to the Graceful Exit. It begins with the vision to
+recognize when a job, a life stage, a relationship is over -- and to
+let go. It means leaving what's over without denying its validity
+or its past importance in our lives. It involves a sense of future,
+a belief that every exit line is an entry, that we are moving on,
+rather than out. The trick of retiring well may be the trick of
+living well. It's hard to recognize that life isn't a holding
+action, but a process. It's hard to learn that we don't leave the
+best parts of ourselves behind, back in the dugout or the office.
+We own what we learned back there. The experiences and the growth
+are grafted onto our lives. And when we exit, we can take ourselves
+along -- quite gracefully.
+ -- Ellen Goodman
+%
+There's a whole WORLD in a mud puddle!
+ -- Doug Clifford
+%
+There's always free cheese in a mousetrap.
+%
+There's an old proverb that says just about whatever you want it to.
+%
+There's been no top authority saying what marijuana does to you.
+I really don't know that much about it. I tried it once but it
+didn't do anything to me.
+ -- John Wayne
+%
+There's got to be more to life than compile-and-go.
+%
+There's just something I don't like about Virginia; the state.
+%
+There's little in taking or giving,
+ There's little in water or wine:
+This living, this living, this living,
+ Was never a project of mine.
+Oh, hard is the struggle, and sparse is
+ The gain of the one at the top,
+For art is a form of catharsis,
+ And love is a permanent flop,
+And work is the provence of cattle,
+ And rest's for a clam in a shell,
+So I'm thinking of throwing the battle --
+ Would you kindly direct me to hell?
+ -- Dorothy Parker
+%
+There's no future in time travel.
+%
+There's no heavier burden than a great potential.
+%
+There's no justice in this world.
+ -- Frank Costello, on the prosecution of "Lucky" Luciano by
+ New York district attorney Thomas Dewey after Luciano had
+ saved Dewey from assassination by Dutch Schultz (by ordering
+ the assassination of Schultz instead)
+%
+There's no point in being grown up if you can't be childish sometimes.
+ -- Dr. Who
+%
+There's no room in the drug world for amateurs.
+ -- Raoul Duke
+%
+There's no saint like a reformed sinner.
+%
+There's no sense in being precise when you don't even know
+what you're talking about.
+ -- John von Neumann
+%
+There's no such thing as a free lunch.
+ -- Milton Friendman
+%
+There's no such thing as an original sin.
+ -- Elvis Costello
+%
+There's no such thing as pure pleasure; some anxiety always goes with it.
+%
+There's no time like the pleasant.
+%
+There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government
+working for you.
+ -- Will Rodgers
+%
+There's no use being precise about something
+when you don't even know what you're talking about.
+ -- John von Neumann
+%
+There's no use in having a dog and doing your own barking.
+%
+There's nothing in the middle of the road but yellow stripes and dead
+armadillos.
+ -- Jim Hightower, Texas Agricultural Commissioner
+%
+There's nothing like a girl with a plunging
+neckline to keep a man on his toes.
+%
+There's nothing like a good does of another woman to make a man appreciate
+his wife.
+ -- Clare Booth Luce
+%
+There's nothing like good food, good wine, and a bad girl.
+%
+There's nothing like the face of a kid eating a Hershey bar.
+%
+There's nothing remarkable about it. All one has to do is hit the right
+keys at the right time and the instrument plays itself.
+ -- J.S. Bach
+%
+There's nothing to writing. All you do is sit at a typewriter
+and open a vein.
+ -- Red Smith
+%
+There's nothing very mysterious about you, except that
+nobody really knows your origin, purpose, or destination.
+%
+There's nothing worse for your business than
+extra Santa Clauses smoking in the men's room.
+ -- W. Bossert
+%
+There's nothing wrong with teenagers that
+reasoning with them won't aggravate.
+%
+There's one consolation about matrimony. When you look around you can
+always see somebody who did worse.
+ -- Warren H. Goldsmith
+%
+There's one fool at least in every married couple.
+%
+There's only one everything.
+%
+There's only one way to have a happy marriage
+and as soon as I learn what it is I'll get married again.
+ -- Clint Eastwood
+%
+There's small choice in rotten apples.
+ -- William Shakespeare, "The Taming of the Shrew"
+%
+There's so much plastic in this culture that
+vinyl leopard skin is becoming an endangered synthetic.
+ -- Lily Tomlin
+%
+There's so much to say but your eyes keep interrupting me.
+%
+There's something different about us -- different from people of Europe,
+Africa, Asia ... a deep and abiding belief in the Easter Bunny.
+ -- G. Gordon Liddy
+%
+There's something the technicians need to learn from the artists.
+If it isn't aesthetically pleasing, it's probably wrong.
+%
+There's such a thing as too much point on a pencil.
+ -- H. Allen Smith, "Let the Crabgrass Grow"
+%
+There's too much beauty upon this earth for lonely men to bear.
+ -- Richard Le Gallienne
+%
+These activities have their own rules and methods
+of concealment which seek to mislead and obscure.
+ -- Dwight D. Eisenhower, 1960
+%
+These days the necessities of life cost you about three times what
+they used to, and half the time they aren't even fit to drink.
+%
+They also serve who only stand and wait.
+ -- John Milton
+%
+They also surf who only stand on waves.
+%
+They are called computers simply because computation is
+the only significant job that has so far been given to them.
+%
+They are cold-blooded. They are completely ruthless about protecting
+what they have. The only thing they connect to is the money aspect of
+life. Let's face it: That's the American way.
+ -- Jeffery M. Johnson, regional chairman of the District
+ of Columbia United Way, speaking of drug dealers.
+%
+They are ill discoverers that think there is no land,
+when they can see nothing but sea.
+ -- Francis Bacon
+%
+They are relatively good but absolutely terrible.
+ -- Alan Kay, commenting on Apollos
+%
+They call them "squares" because it's the
+most complicated shape they can deal with.
+%
+They can't stop us... we're on a mission from God!
+ -- The Blues Brothers
+%
+They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist...
+ -- Civil War General John Sedgwick, his last
+ words, Battle of Spotsylvania Court House, 1864
+%
+They [District Attorneys] learn in District Attorney School that there
+are two sure-fire ways to get a lot of favorable publicity:
+
+(1) Go down and raid all the lockers in the local high school and confiscate
+ 53 marijuana cigarettes and put them in a pile and hold a press
+ conference where you announce that they have a street value of $850
+ million. These raids never fail, because ALL high schools, including
+ brand-new, never-used ones, have at least 53 marijuana cigarettes in
+ the lockers. As far as anyone can tell, the locker factory puts them
+ there.
+(2) Raid an "adult book store" and hold a press conference where you announce
+ you are charging the owner with 850 counts of being a piece of human
+ sleaze. This also never fails, because you always get a conviction.
+ A juror at a pornography trial is not about to state for the record
+ that he finds nothing obscene about a movie where actors engage in
+ sexual activities with live snakes and a fire extinguisher. He is
+ going to convict the bookstore owner, and vote for the death penalty
+ just to make sure nobody gets the wrong impression.
+ -- Dave Barry, "Pornography"
+%
+They don't know how the world is shaped. And so they give it a shape, and
+try to make everything fit it. They separate the right from the left, the
+man from the woman, the plant from the animal, the sun from the moon. They
+only want to count to two.
+ -- Emma Bull, "Bone Dance"
+%
+They don't suffer. They can't even speak English.
+ -- George F. Baer, answering a reporter's
+ question about the suffering of starving miners.
+%
+They finally got King Midas, I hear. Gild by association.
+%
+They have been at a great feast of languages, and stolen the scraps.
+ -- William Shakespeare, "Love's Labour's Lost"
+%
+They just buzzed and buzzed...buzzed.
+%
+They say it's the responsibility of the media to look at government --
+especially the president -- with a microscope. I don't argue with that,
+but when they use a proctoscope, it's going too far.
+ -- Richard Nixon
+%
+They seem to have learned the habit of cowering before authority even when
+not actually threatened. How very nice for authority. I decided not to
+learn this particular lesson.
+ -- Richard Stallman
+%
+They sentenced me to twenty years of boredom for trying to change the
+system from within. I'm coming now I'm coming to reward them. First
+we take Manhattan, then we take Berlin.
+
+I'm guided by a signal in the heavens. I'm guided by this birthmark on
+my skin. I'm guided by the beauty of our weapons. First we take Manhattan,
+then we take Berlin.
+
+I'd really like to live beside you, baby. I love your body and your spirit
+and your clothes. But you see that line there moving throug the station?
+I told you I told you I told you I was one of those.
+ -- Leonard Cohen, "First We Take Manhattan"
+%
+They spell it Vinci and pronounce it Vinchy.
+Foreigners always spell better than they pronounce.
+ -- Mark Twain
+%
+They told me you had proven it When they discovered our results
+About a month before. Their hair began to curl
+The proof was valid, more or less Instead of understanding it
+But rather less than more. We'd run the thing through PRL.
+
+He sent them word that we would try Don't tell a soul about all this
+To pass where they had failed For it must ever be
+And after we were done, to them A secret, kept from all the rest
+The new proof would be mailed. Between yourself and me.
+
+My notion was to start again
+Ignoring all they'd done
+We quickly turned it into code
+To see if it would run.
+%
+They told me you had proven it
+ About a month before.
+The proof was valid, more or less He sent them word that we would try
+ But rather less than more. To pass where they had failed
+ And after we were done, to them
+ The new proof would be mailed.
+My notion was to start again
+ Ignoring all they'd done
+We quickly turned it into code When they discovered our results
+ To see if it would run. Their hair began to curl
+ Instead of understanding it
+ We'd run the thing through PRL.
+Don't tell a soul about all this
+For it must ever be
+A secret, kept from all the rest
+Between yourself and me.
+%
+They took some of the Van Goghs, most
+of the jewels, and all of the Chivas!
+%
+They Tore Out My Heart and Stomped That Sucker Flat
+ -- Book title by Lewis Grizzard
+%
+They use different words for things in America.
+For instance they say elevator and we say lift.
+They say drapes and we say curtains.
+They say president and we say brain damaged git.
+ -- Alexie Sayle
+%
+They went rushing down that freeway,
+Messed around and got lost.
+They didn't care... they were just dying to get off,
+And it was life in the fast lane.
+ -- Eagles, "Life in the Fast Lane"
+%
+They will only cause the lower classes to move about needlessly.
+ -- The Duke of Wellington, on early steam railroads.
+%
+They wouldn't listen to the fact that I was a genius,
+The man said "We got all that we can use",
+So I've got those steadily-depressin', low-down, mind-messin',
+Working-at-the-car-wash blues.
+ -- Jim Croce
+%
+They're an insidious bunch, your killer pianos. Had one get loose on me
+back in '62. It slipped out of the cables while we were lowering it out
+of its twelfth story apartment, and crushed six innocents in an insane bid
+for freedom.
+ -- Stig's Inferno
+%
+They're giving bank robbing a bad name.
+ -- John Dillinger, on Bonnie and Clyde
+%
+They're just jealous because they don't have three
+wise men and a virgin in the whole organization.
+ -- Mayor Vincent J. `Buddy' Cianci, on the
+ ACLU's suit to have a city nativity scene removed.
+%
+They're only trying to make me LOOK paranoid!
+%
+Thieves respect property; they merely wish the property to become
+their property that they may more perfectly respect it.
+ -- G.K. Chesterton, "The Man Who Was Thursday"
+%
+Things are more like they are today than they ever were before.
+ -- Dwight Eisenhower
+%
+Things are more like they used to be than they are new.
+%
+Things are not always what they seem.
+ -- Phaedrus
+%
+Things equal to nothing else are equal to each other.
+%
+Things fall apart; the centre cannot hold.
+%
+Things past redress and now with me past care.
+ -- William Shakespeare, "Richard II"
+%
+Things will be bright in P.M.
+A cop will shine a light in your face.
+%
+Things will get better despite our efforts to improve them.
+ -- Will Rogers
+%
+Things worth having are worth cheating for.
+%
+Think big.
+Pollute the Mississippi.
+%
+Think honk if you're a telepath.
+%
+Think lucky. If you fall in a pond, check your pockets for fish.
+ -- Darrell Royal
+%
+Think of it! With VLSI we can pack 100 ENIACs in 1 sq. cm.!
+%
+Think of your family tonight.
+Try to crawl home after the computer crashes.
+%
+Think sideways!
+ -- Ed De Bono
+%
+Think twice before speaking, but don't say "think think click click".
+%
+Thinking you know something is a sure way to blind yourself.
+ -- Frank Herbert, "Chapterhouse: Dune"
+%
+Thinks't thou existence doth depend on time?
+It doth; but actions are our epochs; mine
+Have made my days and nights imperishable,
+Endless, and all alike, as sands on the shore,
+Innumerable atoms; and one desert,
+Barren and cold, on which the wild waves break,
+But nothing rests, save carcasses and wrecks,
+Rocks, and the salt-surf weeds of bitterness.
+%
+Thirteen at a table is unlucky only
+when the hostess has only twelve chops.
+ -- Groucho Marx
+%
+Thirty white horses on a red hill,
+First they champ,
+Then they stamp,
+Then they stand still.
+ -- Tolkien
+%
+This ae nighte, this ae nighte,
+Everye nighte and alle,
+Fire and sleet and candlelyte,
+And Christe receive thy saule.
+ -- The Lykewake Dirge
+%
+This "brain-damaged" epithet is getting sorely overworked. When we can
+speak of someone or something being flawed, impaired, marred, spoiled;
+batty, bedlamite, bonkers, buggy, cracked, crazed, cuckoo, daft, demented,
+deranged, loco, lunatic, mad, maniac, mindless, non compos mentis, nuts,
+Reaganite, screwy, teched, unbalanced, unsound, witless, wrong; senseless,
+spastic, spasmodic, convulsive; doped, spaced-out, stoned, zonked; {beef,
+beetle,block,dung,thick}headed, dense, doltish, dull, duncical, numskulled,
+pinhead; asinine, fatuous, foolish, silly, simple; brute, lumbering, oafish;
+half-assed, incompetent; backward, retarded, imbecilic, moronic; when we have
+a whole precisely nuanced vocabulary of intellectual abuse to draw upon,
+individually and in combination, isn't it a little <fill in the blank> to be
+limited to a single, now quite trite, adjective?
+%
+This door is baroquen, please wiggle Handel.
+(If I wiggle Handel, will it wiggle Bach?)
+ -- Found on a door in the MSU music building
+%
+This dungeon is owned and operated by Frobazz Magic Co., Ltd.
+%
+This file will self-destruct in five minutes.
+%
+This fortune cookie program out of order. For those in desperate
+need, please use the program "randchar". This program generates
+random characters, and, given enough time, will undoubtedly come
+up with something profound. It will, however, take it no time at
+all to be more profound than THIS program has ever been.
+%
+This fortune intentionally not included.
+%
+This fortune intentionally says nothing.
+%
+This fortune is dedicated to your mother, without whose
+invaluable assistance last night would never have been possible.
+%
+This fortune is encrypted -- get your decoder rings ready!
+%
+This fortune is inoperative. Please try another.
+%
+This fortune soaks up 47 times its own weight in excess memory.
+%
+This fortune was brought to you by the people at Hewlett-Packard.
+%
+This fortune would be seven words long if it were six words shorter.
+%
+This generation doesn't have emotional baggage.
+We have emotional moving vans.
+ -- Bruce Feirstein
+%
+This guy runs into his house and yells to his wife, "Kathy, pack up your
+bags! I just won the California lottery!"
+ "Honey!", Kathy exclaims, "Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?"
+ "I don't care," responds the husband. "just so long as you're out
+of the house by dinner!"
+%
+This is a country where people are free to practice their religion,
+regardless of race, creed, color, obesity, or number of dangling keys...
+%
+This is a good time to punt work.
+%
+This is a test of the emergency broadcast system.
+Had there been an actual emergency, then you would no longer be here.
+%
+This is Betty Frenel. I don't know who to call but I can't reach my
+Food-a-holics partner. I'm at Vido's on my second pizza with sausage
+and mushroom. Jim, come and get me!
+%
+This is clearly another case of too many mad scientists,
+and not enough hunchbacks.
+%
+This is for all ill-treated fellows
+ Unborn and unbegot,
+For them to read when they're in trouble
+ And I am not.
+ -- A.E. Housman
+%
+This is Jim Rockford.
+At the tone leave your name and message; I'll get back to you.
+%
+This is Maria, Liberty Bail Bonds. Your client, Todd Lieman, skipped and
+his bail is forfeit. That's the pink slip on your '74 Firebird, I believe.
+Sorry, Jim, bring it on over.
+%
+This is Marilyn Reed, I wanta talk to you... Is this a machine?
+I don't talk to machines! [Click]
+%
+This is National Non-Dairy Creamer Week.
+%
+This is NOT a repeat.
+%
+This is not the age of pamphleteers. It is the age of the engineers. The
+spark-gap is mightier than the pen. Democracy will not be salvaged by men
+who talk fluently, debate forcefully and quote aptly.
+ -- Lancelot Hogben, Science for the Citizen, 1938
+%
+This is supposed to be a happy occasion.
+Let's not BICKER and ARGUE over who killed who!
+%
+This is the Baron. Angel Martin tells me you buy information. Ok,
+meet me at one a.m. behind the bus depot, bring five-hundred dollars
+and come alone. I'm serious!
+%
+This is the first age that's paid much attention to the future,
+which is a little ironic since we may not have one.
+ -- Arthur Clarke
+%
+This is the first numerical problem I ever did. It demonstrates the
+power of computers:
+
+Enter lots of data on calorie & nutritive content of foods. Instruct the
+thing to maximize a function describing nutritive content, with a minimum
+level of each component, for fixed caloric content. The results are that
+one should eat each day:
+
+ 1/2 chicken
+ 1 egg
+ 1 glass of skim milk
+ 27 heads of lettuce.
+ -- Rev. Adrian Melott
+%
+This is the sort of English up with which I will not put.
+ -- Winston Churchill
+%
+This is the theory that Jack built.
+This is the flaw that lay in the theory that Jack built.
+This is the palpable verbal haze that hid the flaw that lay in...
+%
+This is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.
+And now you know why.
+%
+This is the way the world ends,
+This is the way the world ends,
+This is the way the world ends,
+Not with a bang but with a whimper.
+ -- T.S. Eliot, "The Hollow Men"
+%
+This isn't right. This isn't even wrong.
+ -- Wolfgang Pauli, on a colleague's paper
+%
+This isn't true in practice -- what we've missed out is Stradivarius's
+constant. And then the aside: "For those of you who don't know, that's
+been called by others the fiddle factor..."
+ -- From a 1B Electrical Engineering lecture.
+%
+This land is my land, and only my land,
+I've got a shotgun, and you ain't got one,
+If you don't get off, I'll blow your head off,
+This land is private property.
+ -- Apologies to Woody Guthrie
+%
+This life is a test. It is only a test. Had this been an
+actual life, you would have received further instructions as
+to what to do and where to go.
+%
+This life is yours. Some of it was given
+to you; the rest, you made yourself.
+%
+This login session: $13.76, but for you $11.88.
+%
+This login session: $13.99
+%
+This must be morning. I never could get the hang of mornings.
+%
+This night methinks is but the daylight sick.
+ -- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice"
+%
+This novel is not to be tossed lightly aside, but to be hurled with
+great force.
+ -- Dorothy Parker
+%
+This one is for all you military types. For those who don't know, Rangers
+are *extremely* well trained members of the U.S. Army. Marines are people
+who start out as normal soldiers and then are made to believe that bullets
+don't actually hurt.
+ One day a platoon of Marines are on patrol when they come upon a
+Ranger relaxing on top of a small hill. The Ranger puts his hands on his
+hips and screams out, "Do any of you seaweed sucking jarheads think you're
+man enough to take me on?"
+ The biggest Marine comes running up the hill, screaming back at the
+Ranger. When he gets to the top he simply plows into his foe and the two
+tumble down the other side of the hill, out of sight. There is the sound of
+a horrendous fight for a moment or two, and then all is quiet. Soon, the
+Ranger reappears, quite untouched. He puts his hands on his hips and sneers,
+"Well, looks to me like one of you couldn't do it, how about the rest?"
+ The enraged Marine platoon leader sends his entire platoon (30+men)
+charging after the Ranger. They all go tumbling down the far side of the hill.
+After 15 minutes of screaming and yelling and cursing a lone, bloodied Marine
+crawls over the top of the hill. The platoon leader yells up to his man,
+"What's going on up there?" The wounded Marine, with his last bit of breath,
+replies, "Sir, it's a... a trap, sir. They're two of them!"
+%
+This place just isn't big enough for all of us. We've
+got to find a way off this planet.
+%
+This planet has -- or rather had -- a problem, which was this: most of
+the people living on it were unhappy for pretty much of the time. Many
+solutions were suggested for this problem, but most of these were
+largely concerned with the movements of small green pieces of paper,
+which is odd because on the whole it wasn't the small green pieces of
+paper that were unhappy.
+ -- Douglas Adams
+%
+This process can check if this value is zero, and if it is, it does
+something child-like.
+ -- Forbes Burkowski, CS, University of Washington
+%
+This product is meant for educational purposes only. Any resemblance to real
+persons, living or dead is purely coincidental. Void where prohibited. Some
+assembly may be required. Batteries not included. Contents may settle during
+shipment. Use only as directed. May be too intense for some viewers. If
+condition persists, consult your physician. No user-serviceable parts inside.
+Breaking seal constitutes acceptance of agreement. Not responsible for direct,
+indirect, incidental or consequential damages resulting from any defect, error
+or failure to perform. Slippery when wet. For office use only. Substantial
+penalty for early withdrawal. Do not write below this line. Your cancelled
+check is your receipt. Avoid contact with skin. Employees and their families
+are not eligible. Beware of dog. Driver does not carry cash. Limited time
+offer, call now to insure prompt delivery. Use only in well-ventilated area.
+Keep away from fire or flame. Some equipment shown is optional. Price does
+not include taxes, dealer prep, or delivery. Penalty for private use. Call
+toll free before digging. Some of the trademarks mentioned in this product
+appear for identification purposes only. All models over 18 years of age. Do
+not use while operating a motor vehicle or heavy equipment. Postage will be
+paid by addressee. Apply only to affected area. One size fits all. Many
+suitcases look alike. Edited for television. No solicitors. Reproduction
+strictly prohibited. Restaurant package, not for resale. Objects in mirror
+are closer than they appear. Decision of judges is final. This supersedes
+all previous notices. No other warranty expressed or implied.
+%
+This sad little lizard told me that he was a brontosaurus on his
+mother's side. I did not laugh; people who boast of ancestry
+often have little else to sustain them. Humoring them costs nothing and
+adds happiness in a world in which happiness is always in short supply.
+ -- Lazarus Long
+%
+This screen intentionally left blank.
+%
+This sentence does in fact not have the property it claims not to have.
+%
+This sentence no verb.
+%
+This system will self-destruct in five minutes.
+%
+This thing all things devours:
+Birds, beasts, trees, flowers;
+Gnaws iron, bites steel;
+Grinds hard stones to meal;
+Slays king, ruins town,
+And beats high mountain down.
+%
+This unit... must... survive.
+%
+This universe shipped by weight, not by volume. Some expansion of the
+contents may have occurred during shipment.
+%
+This was a Golden Age, a time of high adventure, rich living, and hard
+dying... but nobody thought so. This was a future of fortune and theft,
+pillage and rapine, culture and vice... but nobody admitted it.
+ -- Alfred Bester, "The Stars My Destination"
+%
+This was the most unkindest cut of all.
+ -- William Shakespeare, "Julius Caesar"
+%
+This wasn't just plain terrible, this was fancy terrible.
+This was terrible with raisins in it.
+ -- Dorothy Parker
+%
+This week only, all our fiber-fill jackets are marked down!
+%
+This will be a memorable month -- no matter how hard you try to forget it.
+%
+This yuppie, see, was in a car wreck. His BMW was mangled, and so was he.
+The paramedic was leaning over him getting his vitals, and all the yup
+could groan was "My BMW! My BMW!"
+ The paramedic tried to quiet the man, pointing out that his car
+wasn't his chief concern at the moment, especially as he'd been rearranged
+pretty badly himself -- for example, his left arm was severed at the elbow
+and was lying about twenty feet away.
+ There was a moment of stunned silence from the yup followed by
+"Oh no! My Rolex! My Rolex!"
+%
+Those lovable Brits department:
+ They also have trouble pronouncing `vitamin'.
+%
+Those of you who think you know everything
+are annoying those of us who do.
+%
+Those of you who think you know it all upset those of us who do.
+%
+Those parts of the system that you can hit with a hammer (not advised)
+are called hardware; those program instructions that you can only curse
+at are called software.
+ -- Levitating Trains and Kamikaze Genes: Technological
+ Literacy for the 1990's.
+%
+Those who are mentally and emotionally healthy are those who have
+learned when to say yes, when to say no and when to say whoopee.
+ -- W.S. Krabill
+%
+Those who believe in astrology are living in houses with foundations of
+Silly Putty.
+ -- Dennis Rawlins
+%
+Those who can, do; those who can't, simulate.
+%
+Those who can, do; those who can't, write.
+Those who can't write work for the Bell Labs Record.
+%
+Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it.
+ -- George Santayana
+%
+Those who can't write, write manuals.
+%
+Those who claim the dead never return
+to life haven't ever been around here at quitting time.
+%
+Those who do not do politics will be done in by politics.
+%
+Those who do not understand Unix are condemned to reinvent it, poorly.
+ -- Henry Spencer
+%
+Those who do things in a noble spirit of
+self-sacrifice are to be avoided at all costs.
+ -- N. Alexander.
+%
+Those who educate children well are more to be honored than
+parents, for these only gave life, those the art of living well.
+ -- Aristotle
+%
+Those who have had no share in the good fortunes of the mighty
+Often have a share in their misfortunes.
+ -- Bertolt Brecht, "The Caucasian Chalk Circle"
+%
+Those who have some means think that the most important thing in the
+world is love. The poor know that it is money.
+ -- Gerald Brenan
+%
+Those who in quarrels interpose, must often wipe a bloody nose.
+%
+Those who make peaceful revolution impossible
+will make violent revolution inevitable.
+ -- John Fitzgerald Kennedy
+%
+Those who profess to favor freedom, and yet depreciate agitation, are
+men who want rain without thunder and lightning. They want the ocean
+without the roar of its many waters.
+ -- Frederick Douglass
+%
+Those who sweat in flames of hell, Leaden eared, some thought their bowels
+Here's the reason that they fell: Lispeth forth the sweetest vowels.
+While on earth they prayed in SAS, These they offered up in praise
+PL/1, or other crass, Thinking all this fetid haze
+Vulgar tongue. A rapsody sung.
+
+Some the lord did sorely try Jabber of the mindless horde
+Assembling all their pleas in hex. Sequel next did mock the lord
+Speech as crabbed as devil's crable Slothful sequel so enfangled
+Hex that marked on Tower Babel Its speaker's lips became entangled
+The highest rung. In his bung.
+
+Because in life they prayed so ill
+And offered god such swinish swill
+Now they sweat in flames of hell
+Sweat from lack of APL
+Sweat dung!
+%
+Those who talk don't know. Those who don't talk, know.
+%
+Thou hast seen nothing yet.
+ -- Miguel de Cervantes
+%
+Thou shalt not omit adultery.
+%
+Though a program be but three lines long, someday it will have to
+be maintained.
+ -- The Tao of Programming
+%
+Though I respect that a lot
+I'd be fired if that were my job
+After killing Jason off and
+Countless screaming argonauts
+
+Bluebird of friendliness
+Like guardian angels it's
+Always near
+
+Blue canary in the outlet by the light switch
+Who watches over you
+Make a little birdhouse in your soul
+Not to put too fine a point on it
+Say I'm the only bee in your bonnet
+Make a little birdhouse in your soul
+
+ -- "Birdhouse in your Soul", They Might Be Giants
+%
+Thrashing is just virtual crashing.
+%
+Three great scientific theories of the structure of the universe are
+the molecular, the corpuscular and the atomic. A fourth affirms, with
+Haeckel, the condensation or precipitation of matter from ether --
+whose existence is proved by the condensation or precipitation...
+A fifth theory is held by idiots, but it is doubtful if they know any
+more about the matter than the others.
+%
+Three hours a day will produce as much as a man ought to write.
+ -- Trollope
+%
+Three may keep a secret, if two of them are dead.
+ -- Benjamin Franklin
+%
+Three Midwesterners, a Kansan, a Missourian and an Iowan,
+all appearing on a quiz program, were asked to complete this sentence:
+"Old MacDonald had a . . ."
+
+ "Old MacDonald had a carburetor," answered the Kansan.
+ "Sorry, that's wrong," the game show host said.
+ "Old MacDonald had a free brake alignment down at the
+ service station," said the Missourian.
+ "Wrong."
+ "Old MacDonald had a farm," said the Iowan.
+ "CORRECT!" shouts the quizmaster. "Now for $100,000, spell 'farm.'"
+ "Easy," said the Iowan. "E-I-E-I-O."
+%
+Three minutes' thought would suffice to find this out; but thought
+is irksome and three minutes is a long time.
+ -- A.E. Houseman
+%
+Three o'clock in the afternoon is always just a little too
+late or a little too early for anything you want to do.
+ -- Jean-Paul Sartre
+%
+Three Rings for the Elven-kings under the sky,
+Seven for the Dwarf-lords in their halls of stone,
+Nine for Mortal Men doomed to die,
+One for the Dark Lord on his dark throne
+In the Land of Mordor where the Shadows lie.
+One Ring to rule them all, One Ring to find them,
+One Ring to bring them all and in the darkness bind them
+In the Land of Mordor where the Shadows lie.
+ -- J.R.R. Tolkien, "The Lord of the Rings"
+%
+Three rules for sounding like an expert:
+ 1. Oversimplify your explanations to the point of uselessness.
+ 2. Always point out second-order effects,
+ but never point out when they can be ignored.
+ 3. Come up with three rules of your own.
+%
+Throw away documentation and manuals,
+and users will be a hundred times happier.
+Throw away privileges and quotas,
+and users will do the Right Thing.
+Throw away proprietary and site licenses,
+and there won't be any pirating.
+
+If these three aren't enough,
+just stay at your home directory
+and let all processes take their course.
+%
+Thus mathematics may be defined as the subject in which we never know
+what we are talking about, nor whether what we are saying is true.
+ -- Bertrand Russell
+%
+Thus spake the master programmer:
+ "A well-written program is its own heaven; a poorly-written program
+is its own hell."
+ -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
+%
+Thus spake the master programmer:
+ "After three days without programming, life becomes meaningless."
+ -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
+%
+Thus spake the master programmer:
+ "Let the programmer be many and the managers few -- then all will
+ be productive."
+ -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
+%
+Thus spake the master programmer:
+ "Though a program be but three lines long, someday it will have to
+ be maintained."
+ -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
+%
+Thus spake the master programmer:
+ "Time for you to leave."
+ -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
+%
+Thus spake the master programmer:
+ "When program is being tested, it is too late to make design changes."
+ -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
+%
+Thus spake the master programmer:
+ "When you have learned to snatch the error code from
+ the trap frame, it will be time for you to leave."
+ -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
+%
+Thus spake the master programmer:
+ "Without the wind, the grass does not move. Without software,
+ hardware is useless."
+ -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
+%
+Thus spake the master programmer:
+ "You can demonstrate a program for a corporate executive, but you
+ can't make him computer literate."
+ -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
+%
+Thyme's Law:
+ Everything goes wrong at once.
+%
+Ticking away the moments that make up a dull day
+Fritter and waste the hours in an offhand way
+Kicking around on a piece of ground in your hometown
+Waiting for someone or something to show you the way
+
+Tired of lying in the sunshine And then one day you find
+Staying home to watch the rain Ten years have got behind you
+You are young and life is long No one told you when to run
+And there is time to kill today You missed the starting gun
+
+And you run and you run to catch up with the sun but it's sinking
+And racing around to come up behind you again
+The sun is the same in a relative way but you're older
+Shorter of breath and one day closer to death
+
+Every year is getting shorter Hanging on in quiet desperation
+ is the English way
+Never seem to find the time The time is gone, the song is over
+Plans that either come to nought Thought I'd something more to say...
+Or half a page of scribbled lines
+ -- Pink Floyd, "Time"
+%
+Tiddely Quiddely
+Edward M. Kennedy
+Quite unaccountably
+Drove in a stream.
+
+Pleas of amnesia
+Incomprehensible
+Possibly shattered
+Political dream.
+%
+Tiger got to hunt,
+Bird got to fly;
+Man got to sit and wonder, "Why, why, why?"
+
+Tiger got to sleep,
+Bird got to land;
+Man got to tell himself he understand.
+ -- The Books of Bokonon
+%
+Time and tide wait for no man.
+%
+Time as he grows old teaches all things.
+ -- Aeschylus
+%
+Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
+%
+Time goes, you say?
+Ah no!
+Time stays, *we* go.
+ -- Austin Dobson
+%
+Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils.
+ -- Hector Berlioz
+%
+Time is an illusion; lunch-time doubly so.
+ -- Ford Prefect
+%
+Time is an illusion, lunchtime doubly so.
+ -- The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
+%
+Time is an illusion perpetrated by the manufacturers of space.
+%
+Time is but the stream I go a-fishing in.
+ -- Henry David Thoreau
+%
+Time is nature's way of making sure that
+everything doesn't happen at once.
+
+Space is nature's way of making sure that
+everything doesn't happen to you.
+%
+Time is the most valuable thing a man can spend.
+ -- Theophrastus
+%
+Time sharing: The use of many people by the computer.
+%
+Time sure flies when you don't know what you're doing.
+%
+Time to be aggressive. Go after a tattooed Virgo.
+%
+Time to take stock.
+Go home with some office supplies.
+%
+Time washes clean
+Love's wounds unseen.
+That's what someone told me;
+But I don't know what it means.
+ -- Linda Ronstadt, "Long Long Time"
+%
+Time will end all my troubles,
+but I don't always approve of Time's methods.
+%
+Time-sharing is the junk-mail part of the computer business.
+ -- H.R.J. Grosch (attributed)
+%
+timesharing, n:
+ An access method whereby one computer abuses many people.
+%
+Timing must be perfect now.
+Two-timing must be better than perfect.
+%
+Tip of the Day:
+ Never fry bacon in the nude.
+%
+Tip O'Neill is just like Congress; old, fat and out of control.
+ -- J. LeBoutillier
+%
+Tip the world over on its side and
+everything loose will land in Los Angeles.
+ -- Frank Lloyd Wright
+%
+TIPS FOR PERFORMERS:
+ Playing cards have the top half upside-down to help cheaters.
+ There are a finite number of jokes in the universe.
+ Singing is a trick to get people to listen to music longer than
+ they would ordinarily.
+ There is no music in space.
+ People will pay to watch people make sounds.
+ Everything on stage should be larger than in real life.
+%
+TIRED of calculating components of vectors? Displacements along direction of
+force getting you down? Well, now there's help. Try amazing "Dot-Product",
+the fast, easy way many professionals have used for years and is now available
+to YOU through this special offer. Three out of five engineering consultants
+recommend "Dot-Product" for their clients who use vector products. Mr.
+Gumbinowitz, mechanical engineer, in a hidden-camera interview...
+ "Dot-Product really works! Calculating Z-axis force components has
+ never been easier."
+Yes, you too can take advantage of the amazing properties of Dot-Product. Use
+it to calculate forces, velocities, displacements, and virtually any vector
+components. How much would you pay for it? But wait, it also calculates the
+work done in Joules, Ergs, and, yes, even BTU's. Divide Dot-Product by the
+magnitude of the vectors and it becomes an instant angle calculator! Now, how
+much would you pay? All this can be yours for the low, low price of $19.95!!
+But that's not all! If you order before midnight, you'll also get "Famous
+Numbers of Famous People" as a bonus gift, absolutely free! Yes, you'll get
+Avogadro's number, Planck's, Euler's, Boltzmann's, and many, many, more!!
+Call 1-800-DOT-6000. Operators are standing by. That number again...
+1-800-DOT-6000. Supplies are limited, so act now. This offer is not
+available through stores and is void where prohibited by law.
+%
+Tis man's perdition to be safe, when for the truth he ought to die.
+%
+'Tis more blessed to give than receive; for example, wedding presents.
+ -- H.L. Mencken
+%
+To a Californian, a person must prove himself criminally insane before he
+is allowed to drive a taxi in New York. For New York cabbies, honesty and
+stopping at red lights are both optional.
+ -- From "East vs. West: The War Between the Coasts
+%
+To a Californian, all New Yorkers are cold; even in heat they rarely go
+above fifty-eight degrees. If you collapse on a street in New York, plan
+to spend a few days there.
+ -- From "East vs. West: The War Between the Coasts
+%
+To a Californian, the basic difference between the people and the pigeons
+in New York is that the pigeons don't shit on each other.
+ -- From "East vs. West: The War Between the Coasts
+%
+To a New Yorker, all Californians are blond, even the blacks. There are,
+in fact, whole neighborhoods that are zoned only for blond people. The
+only way to tell the difference between California and Sweden is that the
+Swedes speak better English."
+ -- From "East vs. West: The War Between the Coasts
+%
+To a New Yorker, the only California houses on the market for less than
+a million dollars are those on fire. These generally go for six hundred
+thousand.
+ -- From "East vs. West: The War Between the Coasts
+%
+To accuse others for one's own misfortunes is a sign of want of education.
+To accuse oneself shows that one's education has begun. To accuse neither
+oneself nor others shows that one's education is complete.
+ -- Epictetus
+%
+To add insult to injury.
+ -- Phaedrus
+%
+To any truly impartial person, it would
+be obvious that I am always right.
+%
+To avoid criticism, do nothing, say nothing, be nothing.
+ -- Elbert Hubbard
+%
+To be a kind of moral Unix, he touched the hem of Nature's shift.
+ -- Shelley
+%
+To be beautiful is enough! if a woman can do that well who
+should demand more from her? You don't want a rose to sing.
+ -- Thackeray
+%
+To be considered successful, a woman must be much better at her job
+than a man would have to be. Fortunately, this isn't difficult.
+%
+To be excellent when engaged in administration is to be like the North
+Star. As it remains in its one position, all the other stars surround it.
+ -- Confucius
+%
+To be great is to be misunderstood.
+ -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
+%
+To be happy one must be a) well fed, unhounded by sordid cares, at ease in
+Zion, b) full of a comfortable feeling of superiority to the masses of one's
+fellow men, and c) delicately and unceasingly amused according to one's taste.
+It is my contention that, if this definition be accepted, there is no country
+in the world wherein a man constituted as I am -- a man of my peculiar
+weaknesses, vanities, appetites, and aversions -- can be so happy as he can
+be in the United States. Going further, I lay down the doctrine that it is
+a sheer physical impossibility for such a man to live in the United States
+and not be happy.
+ -- H.L. Mencken, "On Being An American"
+%
+To be is to be related.
+ -- C.J. Keyser.
+%
+To be is to do.
+ -- I. Kant
+To do is to be.
+ -- A. Sartre
+Do be a Do Bee!
+ -- Miss Connie, Romper Room
+Do be do be do!
+ -- F. Sinatra
+Yabba-Dabba-Doo!
+ -- F. Flintstone
+%
+To be loved is very demoralizing.
+ -- Katharine Hepburn
+%
+to be nobody but yourself in a world
+which is doing its best night and day
+to make you like everybody else
+means to fight the hardest battle
+any human being can fight and
+never stop fighting.
+ -- e.e. cummings
+%
+To be nobody-but-yourself in a world which is doing its best to,
+night and day, to make you everybody else -- means to fight the hardest
+battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting.
+ -- E.E. Cummings, "A Miscellany"
+%
+To be or not to be.
+ -- Shakespeare
+To do is to be.
+ -- Nietzsche
+To be is to do.
+ -- Sartre
+Do be do be do.
+ -- Sinatra
+%
+To be or not to be, that is the bottom line.
+%
+To be patriotic, hate all nations but your own; to be religious, all sects
+but your own; to be moral, all pretences but your own.
+ -- Lionel Strachey
+%
+To be successful, a woman has to be much better at her job than a man.
+ -- Golda Meir
+%
+To be successful, a woman must do her job ten times
+as well as a man. Fortunately, this is not difficult.
+%
+To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first
+and, whatever you hit, call it the target.
+%
+To be trusted is a greater compliment than to be loved.
+%
+To be who one is, is not to be someone else.
+%
+To be wise, the only thing you really need
+to know is when to say "I don't know."
+%
+To believe your own thought, to believe that what is true for
+you in your private heart is true for all men -- that is genius.
+ -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
+%
+To code the impossible code, This is my quest --
+To bring up a virgin machine, To debug that code,
+To pop out of endless recursion, No matter how hopeless,
+To grok what appears on the screen, No matter the load,
+ To write those routines
+To right the unrightable bug, Without question or pause,
+To endlessly twiddle and thrash, To be willing to hack FORTRAN IV
+To mount the unmountable magtape, For a heavenly cause.
+To stop the unstoppable crash! And I know if I'll only be true
+ To this glorious quest,
+And the queue will be better for this, That my code will run CUSPy and calm,
+That one man, scorned and When it's put to the test.
+ destined to lose,
+Still strove with his last allocation
+To scrap the unscrappable kludge!
+ -- To "The Impossible Dream", from Man of La Mancha
+%
+To communicate is the beginning of understanding.
+ -- AT&T
+%
+To converse at the distance of the Indes by means of sympathetic contrivances
+may be as natural to future times as to us is a literary correspondence.
+ -- Joseph Glanvill, 1661
+%
+To craunch a marmoset.
+ -- Pedro Carolino, "English as She is Spoke"
+%
+To criticize the incompetent is easy;
+it is more difficult to criticize the competent.
+%
+To defend the Saigon regime is not worth one more human life.
+ -- Senator Edmund Muskie
+%
+To do nothing is to be nothing.
+%
+To do two things at once is to do neither.
+ -- Publilius Syrus
+%
+To doubt everything or to believe everything are two equally
+convenient solutions; both dispense with the necessity of reflection.
+ -- H. Poincare
+%
+To err is human -- but it feels divine.
+ -- Mae West
+%
+To err is human -- to blame it on a computer is even more so.
+%
+To err is human, but I can REALLY foul things up.
+%
+To err is human, but to really foul things up requires a computer.
+%
+To err is human, but when the eraser wears out
+before the pencil, you're overdoing it a little.
+%
+To err is human; to admit it, a blunder.
+%
+To err is human, to forgive, infrequent.
+%
+To err is human, to forgive is against company policy.
+%
+To err is human, to forgive is not company policy.
+%
+To err is human; to forgive is simply not our policy.
+ -- MIT Assasination Club
+%
+To err is human, to forgive unusual.
+%
+To err is human, to purr feline.
+To err is human, two curs canine.
+To err is human, to moo bovine.
+%
+To err is human, to repent, divine, to persist, devilish.
+ -- Benjamin Franklin
+%
+To err is human.
+To blame someone else for your mistakes is even more human.
+%
+To err is human,
+To purr feline.
+ -- Robert Byrne
+%
+To err is humor.
+%
+To everything there is a season, a time for every pupose under heaven:
+A time to be born, and a time to die;
+A time to plant, and a time to pluck what is planted;
+A time to kill, and a time to heal;
+A time to break down, and a time to build up;
+A time to weep, and a time to laugh;
+A time to mourn, and a time to dance;
+A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones;
+A time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
+A time to gain, and a time to lose;
+A time to keep, and a time to throw away;
+A time to tear, and a time to sew;
+A time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
+A time to love, and a time to hate;
+A time of war, and a time of peace.
+ Ecclesiastes 3:1-9
+%
+To fear love is to fear life, and those
+who fear life are already three parts dead.
+ -- Bertrand Russell
+%
+To find a friend one must close one eye; to keep him -- two.
+ -- Norman Douglas
+%
+To find out a girl's faults, praise her to her girl friends.
+ -- Benjamin Franklin
+%
+To get back on your feet, miss two car payments.
+%
+To get something clean, one has to get something dirty.
+To get something dirty, one does not have to get anything clean.
+%
+To get something done, a committee should consist of no more than three
+persons, two of them absent.
+%
+To give happiness is to deserve happiness.
+%
+To give of yourself, you must first know yourself.
+%
+To have died once is enough.
+ -- Publius Vergilius Maro (Virgil)
+%
+To hell with the Prime Directive;
+Let's KILL something!
+%
+To invent, you need a good imagination and a pile of junk.
+ -- Thomas Edison
+%
+To iterate is human, to recurse, divine.
+ -- Robert Heller
+%
+To jaw-jaw is better than to war-war.
+ -- W. Churchill, on Korean War negotiations
+%
+To keep your friends treat them kindly;
+to kill them, treat them often.
+%
+To know Edina is to reject it.
+ -- Dudley Riggs, "The Year the Grinch Stole the Election"
+%
+To laugh at men of sense is the privilege of fools.
+%
+To lead people, you must follow behind.
+ -- Lao Tsu
+%
+To listen to some devout people,
+one would imagine that God never laughs.
+ -- Sri Aurobindo
+%
+To love is good, love being difficult.
+%
+To make an enemy, do someone a favor.
+%
+To make tax forms true they should
+read "Income Owed Us" and "Incommode You".
+%
+To many, total abstinence is easier than perfect moderation.
+ -- St. Augustine
+%
+TO ME, CLOWNS AREN'T FUNNY. In fact, they're kinda scary. I've wondered
+where this started, and I think it goes back to the time I went to the
+circus and a clown killed my dad.
+ -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
+%
+To one large turkey add one gallon of vermouth and a demijohn of Angostura
+bitters. Shake.
+ -- F. Scott Fitzgerald, recipe for turkey cocktail.
+%
+To our sweethearts and wives. May they never meet.
+ -- 19th century toast
+%
+To refuse praise is to seek praise twice.
+%
+To restore a sense of reality, I think
+Walt Disney should have a Hardluckland.
+ -- Jack Paar
+%
+To save a single life is better than to build a seven story pagoda.
+%
+To say that UNIX is doomed is pretty rabid, OS/2 will certainly play a role,
+but you don't build a hundred million instructions per second multiprocessor
+micro and then try to run it on OS/2. I mean, get serious.
+ -- William Zachmann, International Data Corp
+%
+To say you got a vote of confidence
+would be to say you needed a vote of confidence.
+ -- Andrew Young
+%
+To see a need and wait to be asked, is to already refuse.
+%
+To see the butcher slap the steak, before he laid it on the block,
+and give his knife a sharpening, was to forget breakfast instantly. It was
+agreeable, too -it really was- to see him cut it off, so smooth and juicy.
+There was nothing savage in the act, although the knife was large and keen;
+it was a piece of art, high art; there was delicacy of touch, clearness of
+tone, skilful handling of the subject, fine shading. It was the triumph of
+mind over matter; quite.
+ -- Dickens, "Martin Chuzzlewit"
+%
+To see you is to sympathize.
+%
+To spot the expert, pick the one who predicts
+the job will take the longest and cost the most.
+%
+To stand and be still,
+At the Birkenhead drill,
+Is a damned tough bullet to chew.
+ -- Rudyard Kipling
+%
+To stay young requires unceasing cultivation
+of the ability to unlearn old falsehoods.
+ -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough For Love"
+%
+To stay youthful, stay useful.
+%
+To teach is to learn.
+%
+To teach is to learn twice.
+ -- Joseph Joubert
+%
+To the landlord belongs the doorknobs.
+%
+To Theodore Roosevelt:
+ You are like the Wind and I like the Lion. You form the Tempest.
+The sand stings my eyes and the Ground is parched. I roar in defiance but
+you do not hear. But between us there is a difference. I, like the lion,
+must remain in my place. While you, like the wind, will never know yours.
+ Mulay Hamid El Raisuli
+ Lord of the Riff
+ Sultan to the Berbers
+ Last of the Barbary Pirates
+%
+To thine own self be true.
+(If not that, at least make some money.)
+%
+To think contrary to one's era is heroism. But to speak against it is
+madness.
+ -- Eugene Ionesco
+%
+To those accustomed to the precise, structured methods of conventional
+system development, exploratory development techniques may seem messy,
+inelegant, and unsatisfying. But it's a question of congruence:
+precision and flexibility may be just as disfunctional in novel,
+uncertain situations as sloppiness and vacillation are in familiar,
+well-defined ones. Those who admire the massive, rigid bone structures
+of dinosaurs should remember that jellyfish still enjoy their very
+secure ecological niche.
+ -- Beau Sheil, "Power Tools for Programmers"
+%
+TO THOSE OF YOU WHO DESIRE IT, I GRANT YOU MADRAK'S BLESSING:
+
+ Insofar as I may be heard by anything, which may or may not care
+what I say, I ask, if it matters, that you be forgiven for anything you
+may have done or failed to do which requires forgiveness.
+ Conversely, if not forgiveness but something else be required
+to insure any possible benefit for which you may be eligible after the
+destruction of your body, I ask that this, whatever it may be, be granted
+or withheld, as the case may be, in such a manner as to insure your
+receving said benefit.
+ I ask this in my capacity as your elected intermediary between
+yourself and that which may have an interest in the matter of your receving
+as much as it is possible for you to receive of this thing, and which may
+in some way be influenced by this ceremony.
+ Amen.
+ -- Roger Zelazny, "Creatures of Light and Darkness"
+%
+To understand a program you must become both the machine and the program.
+%
+To understand the heart and mind of a person, look not at what
+he has already achieved, but at what he aspires to do.
+%
+To use violence is to already be defeated.
+ -- Chinese proverb
+%
+To whom the mornings are like nights,
+What must the midnights be!
+ -- Emily Dickinson (on hacking?)
+%
+To write a sonnet you must ruthlessly
+strip down your words to naked, willing flesh.
+Then bind them to a metaphor or three,
+and take by force a satisfying mesh.
+Arrange them to your will, each foot in place.
+You are the master here, and they the slaves.
+Now whip them to maintain a constant pace
+and rhythm as they stand in even staves.
+A word that strikes no pleasure? Cast it out!
+What use are words that drive not to the heart?
+A lazy phrase? Discard it, shrug off doubt,
+and choose more docile words to take its part.
+A well-trained sonnet lives to entertain,
+by making love directly to the brain.
+%
+To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the loyal opposition.
+ -- Woody Allen
+%
+Tobacco is a filthy weed,
+That from the devil does proceed;
+It drains your purse, it burns your clothes,
+And makes a chimney of your nose.
+ -- B. Waterhouse
+%
+TODAY:
+ A nice place to visit, but you can't stay here for long.
+%
+Today is a good day for information-gathering.
+Read someone else's mail file.
+%
+Today is a good day to bribe a high-ranking public official.
+%
+Today is National Existential Ennui Awareness Day.
+%
+Today is the first day of the rest of the mess.
+%
+Today is the first day of the rest of your life.
+%
+Today is the first day of the rest of your lossage.
+%
+Today is the last day of your life so far.
+%
+Today is what happened to yesterday.
+%
+Today when a man gets married he gets a home, a housekeeper, a cook, a
+cheering squad and another paycheck. When a woman marries, she gets a
+boarder.
+%
+Today you'll start getting heavy metal radio on your dentures.
+%
+Today's thrilling story has been brought to you by Mushies, the great new
+cereal that gets soggy even without milk or cream. Join us soon for more
+spectacular adventure starring... Tippy, the Wonder Dog!
+ -- Bob & Ray
+%
+Todays weirdness is tomorrows reason why.
+ -- H.S. Thompson
+%
+Toddlers are the stormtroopers of the Lord of Entropy.
+%
+toilet toupee, n:
+ Any shag carpet that causes the lid to become top-heavy, thus
+ creating endless annoyance to male users.
+ -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
+%
+Tom Hayden is the kind of politician who gives opportunism a bad name.
+ -- Gore Vidal
+%
+Tomorrow, this will be part of the unchangeable past
+but fortunately, it can still be changed today.
+%
+Tomorrow will be cancelled due to lack of interest.
+%
+Tomorrow, you can be anywhere.
+%
+Tomorrow's computers some time next month.
+ -- DEC
+%
+Tom's hungry, time to eat lunch.
+%
+Tonight you will pay the wages of sin;
+Don't forget to leave a tip.
+%
+Tonight's the night: Sleep in a eucalyptus tree.
+%
+Toni's Solution to a Guilt-Free Life:
+ If you have to lie to someone, it's their fault.
+%
+Too bad all the people who know how to run the country are busy
+driving cabs and cutting hair.
+ -- George Burns
+%
+TOO BAD YOU CAN'T BUY a voodoo globe so that you could make the earth spin
+real fast and freak everybody out.
+ -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
+%
+Too clever is dumb.
+ -- Ogden Nash
+%
+Too cool to calypso,
+Too tough to tango,
+Too weird to watusi
+ -- The Only Ones
+%
+Too Late
+ A large number of turkies [sic] went to San Francisco yesterday by
+the two o'clock boats. If their object in going down was to participate in
+the Thanksgiving festivities of that city, they would arrive "the day after
+the affair," and of course be sadly disappointed thereby.
+ -- Sacramento Daily Union, November 29, 1861
+%
+Too many people are thinking of security instead of opportunity.
+They seem more afraid of life than death.
+ -- James F. Byrnes
+%
+Too much is just enough.
+ -- Mark Twain, on whiskey
+%
+Too much is not enough.
+%
+Too much of a good thing is WONDERFUL.
+ -- Mae West
+%
+Too often people have come to me and said, "If I had just one wish for
+anything in all the world, I would wish for more user-defined equations
+in the HP-51820A Waveform Generator Software."
+ -- Instrument News
+ [Once is too often. Ed.]
+%
+Too ripped. Gotta go.
+%
+Toothpaste never hurts the taste of good scotch.
+%
+Top Ten Things Overheard At The ANSI C Draft Committee Meetings:
+
+10: Sorry, but that's too useful.
+ 9: Dammit, little-endian systems *are* more consistent!
+ 8: I'm on the committee and I *still* don't know what the hell
+ #pragma is for.
+ 7: Well, it's an excellent idea, but it would make the compilers too
+ hard to write.
+ 6: Them bats is smart; they use radar.
+ 5: All right, who's the wiseguy who stuck this trigraph stuff in here?
+ 4: How many times do we have to tell you, "No prior art!"
+ 3: Ha, ha, I can't believe they're actually going to adopt this sucker.
+ 2: Thank you for your generous donation, Mr. Wirth.
+ 1: Gee, I wish we hadn't backed down on 'noalias'.
+%
+Topologists are just plane folks.
+ Pilots are just plane folks.
+ Carpenters are just plane folks.
+ Midwest farmers are just plain folks.
+ Musicians are just playin' folks.
+ Whodunit readers are just Spillaine folks.
+Some Londoners are just P. Lane folks.
+%
+Torque is cheap.
+%
+Total strangers need love, too; and I'm stranger than most.
+%
+TOTD (T-shirt Of The Day):
+ I'm the person your mother warned you about.
+%
+Toto, I don't think we're in Kansas anymore.
+ -- Judy Garland, "Wizard of Oz"
+%
+Tourists -- have some fun with New York's hard-boiled cabbies. When you
+get to your destination, say to your driver, "Pay? I was hitch-hiking."
+ -- David Letterman
+%
+Tout choses sont dites deja, mais comme
+personne n'ecoute, il faut toujours recommencer.
+ -- A. Gide
+%
+Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines.
+ -- David Letterman
+%
+TRANSACTION CANCELLED - FARECARD RETURNED
+%
+TRANSFER:
+ A promotion you receive on the condition that you leave town.
+%
+TRANSPARENT:
+ Being or pertaining to an existing, nontangible object.
+ "It's there, but you can't see it"
+ -- IBM System/360 announcement, 1964.
+
+VIRTUAL:
+ Being or pertaining to a tangible, nonexistent object.
+ "I can see it, but it's not there."
+ -- Lady Macbeth.
+%
+TRANSVESTITE:
+ Someone who spends his junior year at college abroad.
+%
+Trap full -- please empty.
+%
+TRAVEL:
+ Something that makes you feel like you're getting somewhere.
+%
+Travel important today; Internal Revenue men arrive tomorrow.
+%
+Traveling through hyperspace isn't like dusting crops, boy.
+ -- Han Solo
+%
+Traveling through New England, a motorist stopped for gas in a tiny village.
+"What's this place called?" he asked the station attendant.
+ "All depends," the native drawled. "Do you mean by them that has
+to live in this dad-blamed, moth-eaten, dust-covered, one-hoss dump, or
+by them that's merely enjoying its quaint and picturesque rustic charms
+for a short spell?"
+%
+Treat your friend as if he might become an enemy.
+ -- Publilius Syrus
+%
+Treaties are like roses and young girls -- they last while they last.
+ -- Charles DeGaulle
+%
+Trifles make perfection, and perfection is no trifle.
+ -- Michelangelo
+%
+Troglodytism does not necessarily imply a low cultural level.
+%
+Trouble always comes at the wrong time.
+%
+Trouble strikes in series of threes, but when working around the house the
+next job after a series of three is not the fourth job -- it's the start of
+a brand new series of three.
+%
+Troubled day for virgins over 16 who are
+beautiful and wealthy and live in eucalyptus trees.
+%
+Troubles are like babies; they only grow by nursing.
+%
+True happiness will be found only in true love.
+%
+True leadership is the art of changing
+a group from what it is to what it ought to be.
+ -- Virginia Allan
+%
+True to our past we work with an inherited, observed, and accepted vision of
+personal futility, and of the beauty of the world.
+ -- David Mamet
+%
+Truly great madness can not be achieved without significant intelligence.
+ -- Henrik Tikkanen
+%
+Truly simple systems... require infinite testing.
+ -- Norman Augustine
+%
+Trust everybody, but cut the cards.
+ -- Finlay Peter Dunne, "Mr. Dooley's Philosophy"
+%
+Trust in Allah, but tie your camel.
+ -- Arabian proverb
+%
+TRUST ME:
+ Get me, give me, buy me, do me.
+%
+TRUST ME:
+ Translation of the Latin "caveat emptor."
+%
+Trust your husband, adore your husband,
+and get as much as you can in your own name.
+ -- Joan Rivers
+%
+Truth can wait; he's used to it.
+%
+Truth has no special time of its own. Its hour is now -- always.
+ -- Albert Schweitzer
+%
+Truth is free, but information costs.
+%
+Truth is hard to find and harder to obscure.
+%
+"Truth is stranger than fiction, because fiction has to make sense."
+%
+Truth is the most valuable thing we have -- so let us economize it.
+ -- Mark Twain
+%
+Truth never comes into the world but like a bastard, to the ignominy
+of him that brought her birth.
+ -- Milton
+%
+Truth will out this morning. (Which may really mess things up.)
+%
+TRUTHFUL:
+ Dumb and illiterate.
+%
+try again
+%
+Try not to have a good time ...
+This is supposed to be educational.
+ -- Charles Schulz
+%
+Try not.
+Do.
+Or do not.
+There is no try.
+%
+Try `stty 0' -- it works much better.
+%
+Try the Moo Shu Pork. It is especially good today.
+%
+Try to be the best of whatever you are, even if what you are is no good.
+%
+Try to divide your time evenly to keep others happy.
+%
+Try to find the real tense of the report you are reading: Was it done, is
+it being done, or is something to be done? Reports are now written in four
+tenses: past tense, present tense, future tense, and pretense. Watch for
+novel uses of CONGRAM (CONtractor GRAMmer), defined by the imperfect past,
+the insufficient present, and the absolutely perfect future.
+ -- Amrom Katz
+%
+Try to get all of your posthumous medals in advance.
+%
+Try to have as good a life as you can under the circumstances.
+%
+Try to relax and enjoy the crisis.
+ -- Ashleigh Brilliant
+%
+Try to value useful qualities in one who loves you.
+%
+Trying to be happy is like trying to build a machine for
+which the only specification is that it should run noiselessly.
+%
+Trying to define yourself is like trying to bite your own teeth.
+ -- Alan Watts
+%
+Trying to get an education here is like
+trying to take a drink from a fire hose.
+%
+T-shirt:
+ Life is *not* a Cabaret, and stop calling me chum!
+%
+Tuesday After Lunch is the cosmic time of the week.
+%
+Tuesday is the Wednesday of the rest of your life.
+%
+Turn on, tune in, and take over.
+ -- Tim Leary
+%
+Turn the other cheek.
+ -- Jesus Christ
+%
+Turnaucka's Law:
+ The attention span of a computer is only as long as its
+ electrical cord.
+%
+Tussman's Law:
+ Nothing is as inevitable as a mistake whose time has come.
+%
+TV is chewing gum for the eyes.
+ -- Frank Lloyd Wright
+%
+'Twas a woman who drove me to drink,
+and I never even had the decency to thank her.
+ -- R.B. Gossling
+%
+"Twas bergen and the eirie road
+Did mahwah into patterson: "Beware the Hopatcong, my son!
+All jersey were the ocean groves, The teeth that bite, the nails
+And the red bank bayonne. that claw!
+ Beware the bound brook bird, and shun
+He took his belmar blade in hand: The kearney communipaw."
+Long time the folsom foe he sought
+Till rested he by a bayway tree And, as in nutley thought he stood,
+And stood a while in thought. The Hopatcong with eyes of flame,
+ Came whippany through the englewood,
+One, two, one, two, and through And garfield as it came.
+ and through
+The belmar blade went hackensack! "And hast thou slain the Hopatcong?
+He left it dead and with it's head Come to my arms, my perth amboy!
+He went weehawken back. Hohokus day! Soho! Rahway!"
+ He caldwell in his joy.
+Did mahwah into patterson:
+All jersey were the ocean groves,
+And the red bank bayonne.
+ -- Paul Kieffer
+%
+'Twas brillig, and the slithy toves And as in uffish thought he stood
+Did gyre and gimble in the wabe. The Jabberwock, with eyes aflame
+All mimsy were the borogroves Came whuffling through the tulgey wood
+And the mome raths outgrabe. And burbled as it came!
+
+"Beware the Jabberwock, my son! One! Two! One! Two!
+The jaws that bite, and through and through
+ the claws that catch! The vorpal blade went snicker-snack.
+Beware the Jubjub bird, He left it dead, and took its head,
+And shun the frumious Bandersnatch!" And went galumphing back.
+
+He took his vorpal sword in hand "Hast thou slain the Jabberwock?
+Long time the manxome foe he sought. Come to my arms, my beamish boy!
+So rested he by the tumtum tree Oh frabjous day! Calooh! Callay!"
+And stood awhile in thought. He chortled in his joy.
+
+ 'Twas brillig, and the slithy toves
+ Did gyre and gimble in the wabe.
+ All mimsy were the borogroves
+ -- Lewis Carroll
+%
+'Twas brillig, and the slithy toves
+Did gyre and gimble in the wabe. "Beware the Jabberwock, my son!
+All mimsy were the borogroves The jaws that bite, the claws
+And the mome raths outgrabe. that catch!
+ Beware the Jubjub bird,
+He took his vorpal sword in hand And shun the frumious Bandersnatch!"
+Long time the manxome foe he sought.
+So rested he by the tumtum tree And as in uffish thought he stood
+And stood awhile in thought. The Jabberwock, with eyes aflame
+ Came whuffling through the tulgey wood
+One! Two! One! Two! And through and And burbled as it came!
+ through
+The vorpal blade went snicker-snack. "Hast thou slain the Jabberwock?
+He left it dead, and took its head, Come to my arms, my beamish boy!
+And went galumphing back. Oh frabjous day! Calooh! Callay!"
+ He chortled in his joy.
+'Twas brillig, and the slithy toves
+Did gyre and gimble in the wabe.
+All mimsy were the borogroves
+And the mome raths outgrabe.
+ -- Lewis Carroll, "Jabberwocky"
+%
+'Twas bullig, and the slithy brokers
+Did buy and gamble in the craze "Beware the Jabberstock, my son!
+All rosy were the Dow Jones stokers The cost that bites, the worth
+By market's wrath unphased. that falls!
+ Beware the Econ'mist's word, and shun
+He took his forecast sword in hand: The spurious Street o' Walls!"
+Long time the Boesk'some foe he sought -
+Sake's liquidity, so d'vested he, And as in bearish thought he stood
+And stood awhile in thought. The Jabberstock, with clothes of tweed,
+ Came waffling with the truth too good,
+Chip Black! Chip Blue! And through And yuppied great with greed!
+ and through
+The forecast blade went snicker-snack! "And hast thou slain the Jabberstock?
+It bit the dirt, and with its shirt, Come to my firm, V.P.ish boy!
+He went rebounding back. O big bucks day! Moolah! Good Play!"
+ He bought him a Mercedes Toy.
+'Twas panic, and the slithy brokers
+Did gyre and tumble in the Crash
+All flimsy were the Dow Jones stokers
+And mammon's wrath them bash!
+ -- Peter Stucki, "Jabberstocky"
+%
+'Twas midnight, and the UNIX hacks
+Did gyre and gimble in their cave
+All mimsy was the CS-VAX
+And Cory raths outgrave.
+
+"Beware the software rot, my son!
+The faults that bite, the jobs that thrash!
+Beware the broken pipe, and shun
+The frumious system crash!"
+%
+'Twas midnight on the ocean, Her children all were orphans,
+Not a streetcar was in sight, Except one a tiny tot,
+So I stepped into a cigar store Who had a home across the way
+To ask them for a light. Above a vacant lot.
+
+The man behind the counter As I gazed through the oaken door
+Was a woman, old and gray, A whale went drifting by,
+Who used to peddle doughnuts Its six legs hanging in the air,
+On the road to Mandalay. So I kissed her goodbye.
+
+She said "Good morning, stranger", This story has a morale
+Her eyes were dry with tears, As you can plainly see,
+As she put her head between her feet Don't mix your gin with whiskey
+And stood that way for years. On the deep and dark blue sea.
+ -- Midnight On The Ocean
+%
+'Twas the night before Christmas -- the very last one --
+When the blazing of lasers destroyed all our fun.
+Just as Santa had lifted off, driving his sleigh,
+A satellite spotted him making his way.
+The Star Wars Defense System -- Reagan's desire
+Was ready for action, and started to fire!
+The laser beams criss-crossed and lit up the sky
+Like a fireworks show on the Fourth of July.
+I'd just finished wrapping the last of the toys
+When out of my chimney there came a great noise.
+I looked to the fireplace, hoping to see
+St. Nick bringing presents for missus and me.
+But what I saw next was disturbing and shocking:
+A flaming red jacket setting fire to my stocking!
+Charred reindeer remains and a melted sleigh-bell;
+Outside burning toys like confetti they fell.
+So now you know, children, why Christmas is gone:
+The Star Wars computer had got something wrong.
+Only programmed for battle, it hadn't a heart;
+'Twas hardly a chance it would work from the start.
+It couldn't be tested, and no one could tell,
+If the crazy contraption would work very well.
+So after a trillion or two had been spent
+The system thought Santa a Red missle sent.
+So kids dry your tears now, and get off to bed,
+There won't be a Christmas -- since Santa is dead.
+%
+Twenty two thousand days.
+Twenty two thousand days.
+It's not a lot.
+It's all you've got.
+Twenty two thousand days.
+ -- Moody Blues, "Twenty Two Thousand Days"
+%
+Two battleships assigned to the training squadron had been at sea on maneuvers
+in heavy weather for several days. I was serving on the lead battleship and
+was on watch on the bridge as night fell. The visibility was poor with patchy
+fog, so the Captain remained on the bridge keeping an eye on all activities.
+ Shortly after dark, the lookout on the wing of the bridge reported,
+"Light, bearing on the starboard bow."
+ "Is it steady or moving astern?" the Captain called out.
+ Lookout replied, "Steady, Captain," which meant we were on a dangerous
+collision course with that ship.
+ The Captain then called to the signalman, "Signal that ship: We are on
+a collision course, advise you change course 20 degrees."
+ Back came a signal "Advisable for you to change course 20 degrees."
+ In reply, the Captain said, "Send: I'm a Captain, change course 20
+degrees!"
+ "I'm a seaman second class," came the reply, "You had better change
+course 20 degrees."
+ By that time, the Captain was furious. He spit out, "Send: I'm a
+battleship, change course 20 degrees."
+ Back came the flashing light: "I'm a lighthouse!"
+ We changed course.
+ -- The Naval Institute's "Proceedings"
+%
+Two can Live as Cheaply as One for Half as Long.
+ -- Howard Kandel
+%
+Two cars in every pot and a chicken in every garage.
+%
+Two Finns and a penguin are sitting on the front porch of a large house. The
+penguin is dripping in sweat; his owner looks down and says to the other Finn,
+"Hey Urho, I want that you should take the penguin to the zoo, okay?" The
+owner then runs off to the sauna. When he gets out of the sauna, he looks
+up at the porch, and sure enough, there is Urho and the penguin, sweating
+away. So he yells out "Hey, Urho, I thought I told you to take the penguin to
+the zoo, I did." And Urho yells back "Yup, and tomorrow we're going to
+the movies!"
+%
+Two friends were out drinking when suddenly one lurched backward off his
+barstool and lay motionless on the floor.
+ "One thing about Jim," the other said to the bartender, "he sure
+knows when to stop."
+%
+Two heads are better than one.
+ -- John Heywood
+%
+Two heads are more numerous than one.
+%
+Two hundred years ago today, Irma Chine of White Plains, New York, was
+performing her normal housekeeping routines. She was interrupted by
+British soldiers who, rallying to the call of their supervisor, General
+Hughes, sought to gain control of the voter registration lists kept in
+her home. Masking her fear and thinking fast, Mrs. Chine quickly divided
+a nearby apple in two and deftly stored the list in its center. Upon
+entering, the British blatantly violated every conceivable convention,
+and, though they went through the house virtually bit by bit, their
+search was fruitless. They had to return empty handed. Word of the
+incident propagated rapidly through the region. This historic event
+became the first documented use of core storage for the saving of registers.
+%
+Two is company, three is an orgy.
+%
+Two is not equal to three, even for large values of two.
+%
+Two men are in a hot-air balloon. Soon, they find themselves lost in a
+canyon somewhere. One of the three men says, "I've got an idea. We can
+call for help in this canyon and the echo will carry our voices to the
+end of the canyon. Someone's bound to hear us by then!"
+ So he leans over the basket and screams out, "Helllloooooo! Where
+are we?" (They hear the echo several times).
+ Fifteen minutes later, they hear this echoing voice: "Helllloooooo!
+You're lost!"
+ The shouter comments, "That must have been a mathematician."
+ Puzzled, his friend asks, "Why do you say that?"
+ "For three reasons. First, he took a long time to answer, second,
+he was absolutely correct, and, third, his answer was absolutely useless."
+%
+Two men came before Nasrudin when he was magistrate. The first man said,
+"This man has bitten my ear -- I demand compensation." The second man said,
+"He bit it himself." Nasrudin withdrew to his chambers, and spent an hour
+trying to bite his own ear. He succeeded only in falling over and bruising
+his forehead. Returning to the courtroom, Nasrudin pronounced, "Examine
+the man whose ear was bitten. If his forehead is bruised, he did it himself
+and the case is dismissed. If his forehead is not bruised, the other man
+did it and must pay three silver pieces."
+%
+Two men look out through the same bars; one sees mud, and one the stars.
+%
+Two men were sitting over coffee, contemplating the nature of things,
+with all due respect for their breakfast. "I wonder why it is that
+toast always falls on the buttered side," said one.
+ "Tell me," replied his friend, "why you say such a thing. Look
+at this." And he dropped his toast on the floor, where it landed on the
+dry side.
+ "So, what have you to say for your theory now?"
+ "What am I to say? You obviously buttered the wrong side."
+%
+Two peanuts were walking through the New York. One was assaulted.
+%
+Two percent of zero is almost nothing.
+%
+Two rights don't make a wrong, they make an airplane.
+%
+Two Russian friends happen to meet in Red Square. One of them says, "By
+the way, did you hear that Romanov died?"
+ "No," replied the other, "I didn't even know he'd been arrested!"
+%
+Two sure ways to tell a REALLY sexy man; the first is, he has a bad memory.
+I forget the second.
+%
+Two Swedish guys get of a ship and head for the nearest bars. Each one
+orders two vodkas and immediately downs them. They they order two more
+and once again quickly throw them back. They then order two more. When
+they arrive, one of them picks up his glass, and, turning to the other,
+toasts him, "Skoal!"
+ The other turns to the first man and scolds, "Hey! Did you come
+here to screw around, or did you come here to drink?"
+%
+Two wrongs are only the beginning.
+ -- Kohn
+%
+Two wrongs don't make a right, but they make a good excuse.
+ -- Thomas Szasz
+%
+Tyger, Tyger, burning bright Where the hammer? Where the chain?
+In the forests of the night, In what furnace was thy brain?
+What immortal hand or eye What the anvil? What dread grasp
+Dare frame thy fearful symmetry? Dare its deadly terrors clasp?
+
+Burnt in distant deeps or skies When the stars threw down their spears
+The cruel fire of thine eyes? And water'd heaven with their tears
+On what wings dare he aspire? Dare he laugh his work to see?
+What the hand dare seize the fire? Dare he who made the lamb make thee?
+
+And what shoulder & what art Tyger, Tyger, burning bright
+Could twist the sinews of they heart? In the forests of the night,
+And when thy heart began to beat What immortal hand or eye
+What dread hand & what dread feet Dare frame thy fearful symmetry?
+
+Could fetch it from the furnace deep
+And in thy horrid ribs dare steep
+In the well of sanguine woe?
+In what clay & in what mould
+Were thy eyes of fury roll'd?
+ -- William Blake, "The Tyger"
+%
+Type louder, please.
+%
+U: There's a U -- a Unicorn!
+ Run right up and rub its horn.
+ Look at all those points you're losing!
+ UMBER HULKS are so confusing.
+ -- The Roguelet's ABC
+%
+Udall's Fourth Law:
+ Any change or reform you make
+ is going to have consequences you don't like.
+%
+UFO's are for real: the Air Force doesn't exist.
+%
+Uh-oh -- I've let the cat out of the bag. Let me, then,
+straightforwardly state the thesis I shall now elaborate:
+Making variations on a theme is really the crux of creativity.
+ -- Douglas R. Hofstadter, "Metamagical Themas"
+%
+Ummm, well, OK. The network's the network, the computer's the computer.
+Sorry for the confusion.
+ -- Sun Microsystems
+%
+Unbearably lovely music is heard as the curtain rises, and we see the
+woods on a summer afternoon. A fawn dances on and nibbles at some
+leaves. He drifts lazily through the soft foliage. Soon he starts
+coughing and drops dead.
+ -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
+%
+Uncle Cosmo, why do they call this a word processor?
+It's simple, Skyler. You've seen what food processors do to food, right?
+%
+Uncle Ed's Rule of Thumb:
+ Never use your thumb for a rule.
+ You'll either hit it with a hammer or get a splinter in it.
+%
+Under any conditions, anywhere, whatever you are doing, there is some
+ordinance under which you can be booked.
+ -- Robert D. Sprecht, Rand Corp.
+%
+Under capitalism, man exploits man.
+Under communism, it's just the opposite.
+ -- J.K. Galbraith
+%
+Under deadline pressure for the next week.
+If you want something, it can wait.
+Unless it's blind screaming paroxysmally hedonistic...
+%
+Under every stone lurks a politician.
+ -- Aristophanes
+%
+Under the wide an starry sky,
+Dig my grave and let me lie,
+Glad did I live and gladly die,
+And laid me down with a will,
+And this be the verse that you grave for me,
+Here he lies where he longed to be,
+Home is the sailor home from the sea,
+And the hunter home from the hill.
+ -- R. Kipling
+%
+Under the wide and heavy VAX
+Dig my grave and let me relax
+Long have I lived, and many my hacks
+And I lay me down with a will.
+These be the words that tell the way:
+"Here he lies who piped 64K,
+Brought down the machine for nearly a day,
+And Rogue playing to an awful standstill."
+%
+Underlying Principle of Socio-Genetics:
+ Superiority is recessive.
+%
+understand, v:
+ To reach a point, in your investigation of some subject, at which
+ you cease to examine what is really present, and operate on the
+ basis of your own internal model instead.
+%
+Understanding is always the understanding of a smaller problem
+in relation to a bigger problem.
+ -- P.D. Ouspensky
+%
+Unfair animal names:
+
+-- tsetse fly -- bullhead
+-- booby -- duck-billed platypus
+-- sapsucker -- Clarence
+ -- Gary Larson
+%
+UNFAIR COMPETITION:
+ Selling cheaper than we do.
+%
+Unfortunately, most programmers like to play with new toys. I have many
+friends who, immediately upon buying a snakebite kit, would be tempted to
+throw the first person they see to the ground, tie the tourniquet on him,
+slash him with the knife, and apply suction to the wound.
+ -- Jon Bentley
+%
+Unhappy the land that needs heroes.
+ -- Bertolt Brecht
+%
+UNION:
+ A dues-paying club workers wield to strike management.
+%
+United Nations, New York, December 25. The peace and joy of the Christmas
+season was marred by a proclamation of a general strike of all the military
+forces of the world. Panic reigns in the hearts of all the patriots of
+every persuasion. Meanwhile, fears of universal disaster sank to an all-time
+low over the world.
+ -- Isaac Asimov
+%
+UNIVERSE:
+ The problem.
+%
+universe, n:
+ The problem.
+%
+Universities are places of knowledge. The freshman each bring a little
+in with them, and the seniors take none away, so knowledge accumulates.
+%
+UNIVERSITY:
+ Like a software house, except the software's free, and it's
+ usable, and it works, and if it breaks they'll quickly tell
+ you how to fix it, and...
+
+ [Okay, okay, I'll leave it in, but I think you're destroying
+ the credibility of the entire fortune program. Ed.]
+%
+University politics are vicious precisely because the stakes are so small.
+ -- Henry Kissinger
+%
+UNIX enhancements aren't.
+%
+Unix gives you just enough rope to hang yourself -- and then a couple
+of more feet, just to be sure.
+ -- Eric Allman
+
+... We make rope.
+ -- Rob Gingell on Sun Microsystem's new virtual memory.
+%
+Unix is a lot more complicated (than CP/M) of course -- the typical Unix
+hacker can never remember what the PRINT command is called this week --
+but when it gets right down to it, Unix is a glorified video game.
+People don't do serious work on Unix systems; they send jokes around the
+world on USENET or write adventure games and research papers.
+ -- E. Post
+ "Real Programmers Don't Use Pascal", Datamation, 7/83
+%
+Unix is a Registered Bell of AT&T Trademark Laboratories.
+ -- Donn Seeley
+%
+UNIX is hot. It's more than hot. It's steaming. It's quicksilver
+lightning with a laserbeam kicker.
+ -- Michael Jay Tucker
+%
+UNIX is many things to many people,
+but it's never been everything to anybody.
+%
+Unix is the worst operating system; except for all others.
+ -- Berry Kercheval
+%
+Unix, n:
+ A computer operating system, once thought to be flabby and
+ impotent, that now shows a surprising interest in making off
+ with the workstation harem.
+%
+unix soit qui mal y pense
+%
+UNIX was not designed to stop you from doing stupid things, because that
+would also stop you from doing clever things.
+ -- Doug Gwyn
+%
+Unix will self-destruct in five seconds... 4... 3... 2... 1...
+%
+Unknown person(s) stole the American flag from its pole in Etra Park sometime
+between 3pm Jan 17 and 11:30 am Jan 20. The flag is described as red, white
+and blue, having 50 stars and was valued at $40.
+ -- Windsor-Heights Herald "Police Blotter", Jan 28, 1987
+%
+Unless hours were cups of sack, and minutes capons, and clocks the tongues
+of bawds, and dials the signs of leaping houses, and the blessed sun himself
+a fair, hot wench in flame-colored taffeta, I see no reason why thou shouldst
+be so superfluous to demand the time of the day. I wasted time and now doth
+time waste me.
+ -- William Shakespeare
+%
+Unless you love someone, nothing else makes any sense.
+ -- E.E. Cummings
+%
+Unnamed Law:
+ If it happens, it must be possible.
+%
+Unprovided with original learning, unformed in the habits of thinking,
+unskilled in the arts of composition, I resolved to write a book.
+ -- Edward Gibbon
+%
+Unquestionably, there is progress. The average American now
+pays out twice as much in taxes as he formerly got in wages.
+ -- H.L. Mencken
+%
+Until Eve arrived, this was a man's world.
+ -- Richard Amour
+%
+UNTOLD WEALTH:
+ What you left out on April 15th.
+%
+Up against the net, redneck mother,
+Mother who has raised your son so well;
+He's seventeen and hackin' on a Macintosh,
+Flaming spelling errors and raisin' hell...
+%
+Uppers are no longer stylish, methedrine is almost as rare as pure acid
+or DMT. "Consciousness Expansion" went out with LBJ and it is worth
+noting, historically, that downers came in with Nixon.
+ -- Dr. Hunter S. Thompson
+%
+Usage: fortune -P [-f] -a [xsz] Q: file [rKe9] -v6[+] file1 ...
+%
+Use a pun, go to jail.
+%
+Use an accordion. Go to jail.
+ -- KFOG, San Francisco
+%
+Use what talents you possess: the woods would be very silent
+if no birds sang there except those that sang best.
+ -- Henry Van Dyke
+%
+USENET would be a better laboratory is there were
+more labor and less oratory.
+ -- Elizabeth Haley
+%
+USER:
+ A programmer who will believe anything you tell him.
+%
+User hostile.
+%
+user, n:
+ The word computer professionals use when they mean "idiot."
+ -- Dave Barry, "Claw Your Way to the Top"
+
+[I always thought "computer professional" was the phrase hackers used
+ when they meant "idiot." Ed.]
+%
+Using TSO is like kicking a dead whale down the beach.
+ -- S.C. Johnson
+%
+Using words to describe magic is like using a screwdriver to cut roast beef.
+ -- Tom Robbins
+%
+/usr/news/gotcha
+%
+Usually, when a lot of men get together, it's called a war.
+ -- Mel Brooks, "The Listener"
+%
+VACATION:
+ A two-week binge of rest and relaxation so intense that
+ it takes another 50 weeks of your restrained workaday
+ life-style to recuperate.
+%
+Van Roy's Law:
+ An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
+%
+Van Roy's Law:
+ Honesty is the best policy - there's less competition.
+
+Van Roy's Truism:
+ Life is a whole series of circumstances beyond your control.
+%
+Variables don't; constants aren't.
+%
+Vax Vobiscum
+%
+Vegetables are what food eats.
+Fruit are vegetables that fool you by tasting good.
+Fish are fast moving vegetables.
+Mushrooms are what grows on vegetables when food's done with them.
+ -- Meat Eater's Credo, according to Jim Williams
+%
+Vegeterians beware! You are what you eat.
+%
+Velilind's Laws of Experimentation:
+ 1. If reproducibility may be a problem, conduct the test only once.
+ 2. If a straight line fit is required, obtain only two data points.
+%
+Veni, Vidi, VISA:
+ I came, I saw, I did a little shopping.
+%
+Verba volant, scripta manent!
+%
+Vermouth always makes me brilliant unless it makes me idiotic.
+ -- E.F. Benson
+%
+Very few people do anything creative after the age of thirty-five. The
+reason is that very few people do anything creative before the age of
+thirty-five.
+ -- Joel Hildebrand
+%
+Very few profundities can be expressed in less than 80 characters.
+%
+Very few things actually get manufactured these days, because in an
+infinitely large Universe, such as the one in which we live, most things one
+could possibly imagine, and a lot of things one would rather not, grow
+somewhere. A forest was discovered recently in which most of the trees grew
+ratchet screwdrivers as fruit. The life cycle of the ratchet screwdriver is
+quite interesting. Once picked it needs a dark dusty drawer in which it can
+lie undisturbed for years. Then one night it suddenly hatches, discards its
+outer skin that crumbles into dust, and emerges as a totally unidentifiable
+little metal object with flanges at both ends and a sort of ridge and a hole
+for a screw. This, when found, will get thrown away. No one knows what the
+screwdriver is supposed to gain from this. Nature, in her infinite wisdom,
+is presumably working on it.
+%
+Very few things happen at the right time, and the rest do not happen
+at all. The conscientious historian will correct these defects.
+ -- Herodotus
+%
+Vests are to suits as seat-belts are to cars.
+%
+VI:
+ A hungry dog hunts best.
+ A hungrier dog hunts even better.
+VII:
+ Decreased business base increases overhead.
+ So does increased business base.
+VIII:
+ The most unsuccessful four years in the education of a cost-estimator
+ is fifth grade arithmetic.
+IX:
+ Acronyms and abbreviations should be used to the maximum extent
+ possible to make trivial ideas profound. Q.E.D.
+X:
+ Bulls do not win bull fights; people do.
+ People do not win people fights; lawyers do.
+ -- Norman Augustine
+%
+Victory uber allies!
+%
+Viking, n:
+ 1. Daring Scandinavian seafarers, explorers, adventurers,
+ entrepreneurs world-famous for their aggressive, nautical import
+ business, highly leveraged takeovers and blue eyes.
+ 2. Bloodthirsty sea pirates who ravaged northern Europe beginning
+ in the 9th century.
+
+Hagar's note: The first definition is much preferred; the second is used
+only by malcontents, the envious, and disgruntled owners of waterfront
+property.
+%
+Vini, vidi, vici.
+[I came, I saw, I conquered].
+ -- Gaius Julius Caesar
+%
+"Violence accomplishes nothing." What a contemptible lie! Raw, naked
+violence has settled more issues throughout history than any other method
+ever employed. Perhaps the city fathers of Carthage could debate the
+issue, with Hitler and Alexander as judges?
+%
+Violence is a sword that has no handle -- you have to hold the blade.
+%
+Violence is molding.
+%
+Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.
+ -- Salvador Hardin
+%
+Violence stinks, no matter which end of it you're on. But now and then
+there's nothing left to do but hit the other person over the head with a
+frying pan. Sometimes people are just begging for that frypan, and if we
+weaken for a moment and honor their request, we should regard it as
+impulsive philanthropy, which we aren't in any position to afford, but
+shouldn't regret it too loudly lest we spoil the purity of the deed.
+ -- Tom Robbins
+%
+VIRGINIA:
+ A group of beautifully mounted hunters galloping behind
+ baying hounds in pursuit of a union organizer.
+%
+VIRGO (Aug 23 - Sept 22)
+ You are the logical type and hate disorder. This nitpicking is
+sickening to your friends. You are cold and unemotional and sometimes
+fall asleep while making love. Virgos make good bus drivers.
+%
+VIRGO (Aug.23 - Sept.22)
+ Learn something new today, like how to spell or how to count
+ to ten without using your fingers. Be careful dressing this
+ morning. You may be hit by a car later in the day and you
+ wouldn't want to be taken to the doctor's office in some of
+ that old underwear you own.
+%
+Virtue does not always demand a heavy sacrifice --
+only the willingness to make it when necessary.
+ -- Frederick Dunn
+%
+Virtue is its own punishment.
+ -- Denniston
+
+Righteous people terrify me ... virtue is its own punishment.
+ -- Aneurin Bevan
+%
+Virtue is not left to stand alone.
+He who practices it will have neighbors.
+ -- Confucius
+%
+Virtue would go far if vanity did not keep it company.
+ -- La Rochefoucauld
+%
+Visit beautiful Vergas Minnesota.
+%
+Visit beautiful Wisconsin Dells.
+%
+Visits always give pleasure: if not on arrival, then on the departure.
+ -- Edouard Le Berquier, "Pensees des Autres"
+%
+VMS, n:
+ The world's foremost multi-user adventure game.
+%
+VMS version 2.0 ==>
+%
+Voicless it cries,
+Wingless flutters,
+Toothless bites,
+Mouthless mutters.
+%
+VOLCANO:
+ A mountain with hiccups.
+%
+Volcanoes have a grandeur that is grim
+And earthquakes only terrify the dolts,
+And to him who's scientific
+There is nothing that's terrific
+In the pattern of a flight of thunderbolts!
+ -- W.S. Gilbert, "The Mikado"
+%
+Volley Theory:
+ It is better to have lobbed and lost
+ than never to have lobbed at all.
+%
+Von Neumann was the subject of many dotty professor stories. Von Neumann
+supposedly had the habit of simply writing answers to homework assignments on
+the board (the method of solution being, of course, obvious) when he was asked
+how to solve problems. One time one of his students tried to get more helpful
+information by asking if there was another way to solve the problem. Von
+Neumann looked blank for a moment, thought, and then answered, "Yes.".
+%
+Vote anarchist.
+%
+Vote early and vote often.
+ -- Al Capone's slogan for Big Bill Thompson's anti-reform
+ campaign for Mayor of Chicago, 1926. Big Bill won.
+%
+VUJA DE:
+ The feeling that you've *never*, *ever* been in this situation before.
+%
+Wad some power the giftie gie us
+To see oursels as others see us.
+ -- R. Browning
+%
+Wagner's music is better than it sounds.
+ -- Mark Twain
+%
+Wait for that wisest of all counselors, Time.
+ -- Pericles
+%
+Waiter: "Tea or coffee, gentlemen?"
+1st customer: "I'll have tea."
+2nd customer: "Me, too -- and be sure the glass is clean!"
+ (Waiter exits, returns)
+Waiter: "Two teas. Which one asked for the clean glass?"
+%
+Wake up all you citizens, hear your country's call,
+Not to arms and violence, But peace for one and all.
+Crush out hate and prejudice, fear and greed and sin,
+Help bring back her dignity, restore her faith again.
+
+Work hard for a common cause, don't let our country fall.
+Make her proud and strong again, democracy for all.
+Yes, make our country strong again, keep our flag unfurled.
+Make our country well again, respected by the world.
+
+Make her whole and beautiful, work from sun to sun.
+Stand tall and labor side by side, because there's so much to be done.
+Yes, make her whole and beautiful, united strong and free,
+Wake up, all you citizens, It's up to you and me.
+ -- Pansy Myers Schroeder
+%
+Wake up and smell the coffee.
+ -- Ann Landers
+%
+Waking a person unnecessarily should not be considered
+a capital crime. For a first offense, that is.
+%
+Walk softly and carry a big stick.
+ -- Theodore Roosevelt
+%
+Walking on water wasn't built in a day.
+ -- Jack Kerouac
+%
+Walt: Dad, what's gradual school?
+Garp: Gradual school?
+Walt: Yeah. Mom says her work's more fun now that she's teaching
+ gradual school.
+Garp: Oh. Well, gradual school is someplace you go and gradually
+ find out that you don't want to go to school anymore.
+ -- The World According To Garp
+%
+Walters' Rule:
+ All airline flights depart from the gates most distant from
+ the center of the terminal. Nobody ever had a reservation
+ on a plane that left Gate 1.
+%
+Wanna buy a duck?
+%
+Wanna tell you all a story 'bout a man named Jed,
+A poor mountaineer, barely kept his family fed.
+But then one day he was shootin' at some food,
+When up through the ground come a bubblin' crude -- oil, that is;
+ black gold; 'Texas tea' ...
+
+Well the next thing ya know, old Jed's a millionaire.
+The kinfolk said, 'Jed, move away from there!'
+They said, 'Californy is the place ya oughta be',
+So they loaded up the truck and they moved to Beverly -- Hills, that is;
+ swimmin' pools; movie stars.
+%
+War doesn't prove who's right, just who's left.
+%
+War hath no fury like a non-combatant.
+ -- Charles Edward Montague
+%
+War is an equal opportunity destroyer.
+%
+War is delightful to those who have had no experience of it.
+ -- Desiderius Erasmus
+%
+War is like love, it always finds a way.
+ -- Bertolt Brecht, "Mother Courage"
+%
+War is much too serious a matter to be entrusted to the military.
+ -- Clemenceau
+%
+War spares not the brave, but the cowardly.
+ -- Anacreon
+%
+WARNING:
+ Reading this fortune can affect the dimensionality of your
+ mind, change the curvature of your spine, cause the growth
+ of hair on your palms, and make a difference in the outcome
+ of your favorite war.
+%
+WARNING!
+ This system is subject to breakdowns during periods of critical need!
+A special circuit in the computer called a "critical detector" senses the
+user's emotional state in terms of how desperate they are to get their program
+to run. The "critical detector" then creates a bug in the program proportional
+to the desperation of the user. Threatening the terminal with violence only
+aggravates the situation, causing the program to immediately crash or the
+entire system to go down. Likewise, attempts to use another terminal may cause
+it to core dump. (They all belong to the same LAN.) Keep cool and say nice
+things to the terminal.
+%
+Warning: Trespassers will be shot.
+Survivors will be shot again.
+%
+WARNING!!!
+This machine is subject to breakdowns during periods of critical need.
+
+A special circuit in the machine called "critical detector" senses the
+operator's emotional state in terms of how desperate he/she is to use the
+machine. The "critical detector" then creates a malfunction proportional
+to the desperation of the operator. Threatening the machine with violence
+only aggravates the situation. Likewise, attempts to use another machine
+may cause it to malfunction. They belong to the same union. Keep cool
+and say nice things to the machine. Nothing else seems to work.
+
+See also: flog(1), tm(1)
+%
+Was there a time when dancers with their fiddles
+In children's circuses could stay their troubles?
+There was a time they could cry over books,
+But time has set its maggot on their track.
+Under the arc of the sky they are unsafe.
+What's never known is safest in this life.
+Under the skysigns they who have no arms
+Have cleanest hands, and, as the heartless ghost
+Alone's unhurt, so the blind man sees best.
+ -- Dylan Thomas, "Was There A Time"
+%
+Washington, D.C. Wasting your money since 1810.
+%
+Washington, D.C: Fifty square miles almost completely surrounded by reality.
+%
+Washington [D.C.] is a city of Southern efficiency and Northern charm.
+ -- John F. Kennedy
+%
+[Washington, D.C.] is the home of... taste for
+the people -- the big, the bland and the banal.
+ -- Ada Louise Huxtable
+%
+Wasn't there something about a PASCAL programmer
+knowing the value of everything and the Wirth of nothing?
+%
+Waste not fresh tears over old griefs.
+ -- Euripides
+%
+Waste not, get your budget cut next year.
+%
+Wasting time is an important part of living.
+%
+Watch all-night Donna Reed reruns until your mind resembles oatmeal.
+%
+Watch your mouth, kid, or you'll find yourself floating home.
+ -- Han Solo
+%
+Water, taken in moderation cannot hurt anybody.
+ -- Mark Twain
+%
+Watership Down:
+You've read the book. You've seen the movie. Now eat the stew!
+%
+Watson's Law:
+ The reliability of machinery is inversely proportional to the
+ number and significance of any persons watching it.
+%
+WE:
+ The single most important word in the world.
+%
+We all agree on the necessity of compromise. We just can't agree on
+when it's necessary to compromise.
+ -- Larry Wall
+%
+We all declare for liberty, but in using the
+same word we do not all mean the same thing.
+ -- A. Lincoln
+%
+We all dream of being the darling of everybody's darling.
+%
+We all know that no one understands anything that isn't funny.
+%
+We all like praise, but a hike in our pay is the best kind of ways.
+%
+We all live in a state of ambitious poverty.
+ -- Decimus Junius Juvenalis
+%
+We all live under the same sky, but we don't all have the same horizon.
+ -- Dr. Konrad Adenauer
+%
+We are all agreed that your theory is crazy. The question which divides us is
+whether it is crazy enough to have a chance of being correct. My own feeling
+is that it is not crazy enough.
+ -- Niels Bohr
+%
+We are all born charming, fresh and spontaneous and must be civilized
+before we are fit to participate in society.
+ -- Judith Martin, "Miss Manners' Guide to Excruciatingly
+ Correct Behaviour"
+%
+We are all born equal... just some of us are more equal than others.
+%
+We are all born mad. Some remain so.
+ -- Samuel Beckett
+%
+We are all dying -- and we're gonna be dead for a long time.
+%
+We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.
+ -- Oscar Wilde
+%
+We are all so much together and yet we are all dying of loneliness.
+ -- A. Schweitzer
+%
+We are all worms. But I do believe I am a glowworm.
+ -- Winston Churchill
+%
+We are anthill men upon an anthill world.
+ -- Ray Bradbury
+%
+We ARE as gods and might as well get good at it.
+ -- Whole Earth Catalog
+%
+We are confronted with unsurmountable opportunities.
+ -- Pogo
+%
+We are drowning in information but starved for knowledge.
+ -- John Naisbitt, Megatrends
+%
+We are each entitled to our own opinion, but no one is entitled to his
+own facts.
+ -- Patrick Moynihan
+%
+We are each only one drop in a great
+ocean -- but some of the drops sparkle!
+%
+We are experiencing system trouble -- do not adjust your terminal.
+%
+We are giving instruction to FBI agents in the various Chinese
+dialects ... to handle present and likely future contingencies.
+ -- J.Hoover
+%
+We are going to give a little something, a few little years more, to
+socialism, because socialism is defunct. It dies all by itself. The bad
+thing is that socialism, being a victim of its ... Did I say socialism?
+ -- Fidel Castro
+%
+We are going to have peace even if we have to fight for it.
+ -- Dwight D. Eisenhower
+%
+We are Microsoft. Unix is irrelevant.
+Openness is futile. Prepare to be assimilated.
+%
+We are not a clone.
+%
+We are not a loved organization, but we are a respected one.
+ -- John Fisher
+%
+We are not alone.
+%
+We are not loved by our friends for what we are;
+rather, we are loved in spite of what we are.
+ -- Victor Hugo
+%
+We are preparing to think about contemplating preliminary work on plans to
+develop a schedule for producing the 10th Edition of the Unix Programmers
+Manual.
+ -- Andrew Hume
+%
+We are simple killers of people and destroyers of property.
+%
+We are so fond of each other because our ailments are the same.
+ -- Jonathon Swift
+%
+We are sorry. We cannot complete your call as dialed. Please check
+the number and dial again or ask your operator for assistance.
+
+This is a recording.
+%
+We are stronger than our skin of flesh and metal, for we carry and
+share a spectrum of suns and lands that lends us legends as we craft
+our immortality and interweave our destinies of water and air,
+leaving shadows that gather color of their own, until they outshine
+the substance that cast them.
+%
+We are the people our parents warned us about.
+%
+We are the unwilling... led by the unqualified...
+to do the unnecessary... for the ungrateful...
+ -- GI in Vietnam, 1970
+%
+We are what we are.
+%
+We are what we pretend to be.
+ -- Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.
+%
+We can defeat gravity. The problem is the paperwork involved.
+%
+We can embody the truth, but we cannot know it.
+ -- Yates
+%
+We can found no scientific discipline, nor a healthy profession on the
+technical mistakes of the Department of Defense and IBM.
+ -- Edsger W. Dijkstra
+%
+We cannot command nature except by obeying her.
+ -- Sir Francis Bacon
+%
+We cannot do everything at once, but we can do something at once.
+ -- Calvin Coolidge
+%
+We could do that, but it would be wrong, that's for sure.
+ -- Richard Nixon
+%
+We could nuke Baghdad into glass, wipe it with Windex, tie fatback on our
+feet and go skating.
+ -- Fred Reed, Air Force Times columnist.
+%
+We dedicate this book to our fellow citizens who, for love of truth,
+take from their own wants by taxes and gifts, and now and then send
+forth one of themselves as dedicated servant, to forward the search
+into the mysteries and marvelous simplicities of this strange and
+beautiful Universe, Our home.
+ -- "Gravitation", Misner, Thorne, and Wheeler
+%
+We don't believe in rheumatism and true love until after the first attack.
+ -- Marie Ebner von Eschenbach
+%
+We don't care. We don't have to. We're the Phone Company.
+%
+We don't care how they do it in New York.
+%
+We don't have to protect the environment -- the Second Coming is at hand.
+ -- James Watt, noted theologian
+%
+We don't know one millionth of one percent about anything.
+%
+We don't know who discovered water, but we're certain it wasn't a fish.
+%
+We don't know who it was that discovered water, but we're pretty sure
+that it wasn't a fish.
+ -- Marshall McLuhan
+%
+We don't like their sound. Groups of guitars are on the way out.
+ -- Decca Recording Company, turning down the Beatles, 1962
+%
+We don't need no education, we don't need no thought control.
+ -- Pink Floyd
+%
+We don't need no indirection We don't need no compilation
+We don't need no flow control We don't need no load control
+No data typing or declarations No link edit for external bindings
+Hey! did you leave the lists alone? Hey! did you leave that source alone?
+Chorus: (Chorus)
+ Oh No. It's just a pure LISP function call.
+
+We don't need no side-effecting We don't need no allocation
+We don't need no flow control We don't need no special-nodes
+No global variables for execution No dark bit-flipping for debugging
+Hey! did you leave the args alone? Hey! did you leave those bits alone?
+(Chorus) (Chorus)
+ -- "Another Glitch in the Call", a la Pink Floyd
+%
+We don't really understand it, so we'll give it to the programmers.
+%
+We don't smoke and we don't chew, and we don't go with girls that do.
+ -- Walter Summers
+%
+We don't understand the software, and sometimes we don't
+understand the hardware, but we can *see* the blinking lights!
+%
+We found on St. Paul's only two kinds of birds -- the booby and the noddy...
+Both are of a tame and stupid disposition, and are so unaccustomed to
+visitors, that I could have killed any number of them with my geological
+hammer.
+ -- Charles Darwin
+%
+We give advice, but we cannot give the wisdom to profit by it.
+ -- La Rochefoucauld
+%
+We gotta get out of this place,
+If it's the last thing we ever do.
+ -- The Animals
+%
+We have a equal opportunity Calculus class -- it's fully integrated.
+%
+We have art that we do not die of the truth.
+ -- Nietzsche
+%
+We have ears, earther...FOUR OF THEM!
+%
+We have gone on piling weapon upon weapon, missile upon missile, new
+levels of destructiveness upon old ones. We have done this helplessly,
+almost involuntarily: like the victims of some sort of hypnotism, like
+men in a dream, like lemmings heading for the sea, like the children of
+Hamelin marching blindly along behind their Pied Piper. And the result
+is that today we have achieved, we and the Russians together, in the
+creation of these devices and their means of delivery, levels of
+redundancy of such grotesque dimensions as to defy rational understanding.
+ -- George Kennan, May 19, 1981
+%
+We have lingered long enough on the shores of the Cosmic Ocean.
+ -- Carl Sagan
+%
+We have met the enemy, and he is us.
+ -- Walt Kelly
+%
+We have more to fear from the bungling of the incompetent
+than from the machinations of the wicked.
+%
+We have no scorched earth policy.
+We have a policy of scorched Communists.
+ -- General Efrain Rios Montt, President of Guatemala, 1982
+%
+We have not inherited the earth from our parents, we've borrowed it from
+our children.
+%
+We have nowhere else to go... this is all we have.
+ -- Margaret Mead
+%
+We have reason to be afraid. This is a terrible place.
+ -- John Berryman
+%
+We have seen the light at the end of the tunnel, and it's out.
+%
+We have the flu. I don't know if this particular strain has an official
+name, but if it does, it must be something like "Martian Death Flu". You
+may have had it yourself. The main symptom is that you wish you had another
+setting on your electric blanket, up past "HIGH", that said "ELECTROCUTION".
+ Another symptom is that you cease brushing your teeth, because (a)
+your teeth hurt, and (b) you lack the strength. Midway through the brushing
+process, you'd have to lie down in front of the sink to rest for a couple
+of hours, and rivulets of toothpaste foam would dribble sideways out of your
+mouth, eventually hardening into crusty little toothpaste stalagmites that
+would bond your head permanently to the bathroom floor, which is how the
+police would find you.
+ You know the kind of flu I'm talking about.
+ -- Dave Barry
+%
+We interrupt this fortune for an important announcement...
+%
+"We invented a new protocol and called it Kermit, after Kermit the Frog,
+star of "The Muppet Show." [3]
+
+[3] Why? Mostly because there was a Muppets calendar on the wall when we
+were trying to think of a name, and Kermit is a pleasant, unassuming sort of
+character. But since we weren't sure whether it was OK to name our protocol
+after this popular television and movie star, we pretended that KERMIT was an
+acronym; unfortunately, we could never find a good set of words to go with the
+letters, as readers of some of our early source code can attest. Later, while
+looking through a name book for his forthcoming baby, Bill Catchings noticed
+that "Kermit" was a Celtic word for "free", which is what all Kermit programs
+should be, and words to this effect replaced the strained acronyms in our
+source code (Bill's baby turned out to be a girl, so he had to name her Becky
+instead). When BYTE Magazine was preparing our 1984 Kermit article for
+publication, they suggested we contact Henson Associates Inc. for permission
+to say that we did indeed name the protocol after Kermit the Frog. Permission
+was kindly granted, and now the real story can be told. I resisted the
+temptation, however, to call the present work "Kermit the Book."
+ -- Frank da Cruz, "Kermit - A File Transfer Protocol"
+%
+We is confronted with insurmountable opportunities.
+ -- Walt Kelly, "Pogo"
+%
+We know next to nothing about virtually everything. It is not necessary
+to know the origin of the universe; it is necessary to want to know.
+Civilization depends not on any particular knowledge, but on the disposition
+to crave knowledge.
+ -- George Will
+%
+We laugh at the Indian philosopher, who to account for the support
+of the earth, contrived the hypothesis of a huge elephant, and to support
+the elephant, a huge tortoise. If we will candidly confess the truth, we
+know as little of the operation of the nerves, as he did of the manner in
+which the earth is supported: and our hypothesis about animal spirits, or
+about the tension and vibrations of the nerves, are as like to be true, as
+his about the support of the earth. His elephant was a hypothesis, and our
+hypotheses are elephants. Every theory in philosophy, which is built on
+pure conjecture, is an elephant; and every theory that is supported partly
+by fact, and partly by conjecture, is like Nebuchadnezzar's image, whose
+feet were partly of iron, and partly of clay.
+ -- Thomas Reid, "An Inquiry into the Human Mind", 1764
+%
+We lie loudest when we lie to ourselves.
+ -- Eric Hoffer
+%
+We love our little Johnny
+He's the best little boy in all the world
+And we wouldn't trade him for anything
+That's how much we love him.
+No, we couldn't live without him
+So that's why, since he died,
+We keep him safe in our G.E. freezer.
+He's so good, so well-behaved,
+Even better than before;
+Oh, such a wonderful kid he is.
+Alice and me, we'll never be lonely,
+Never miss our little Johnny,
+He'll never grow up and leave us
+That's why we love him like we do.
+ -- Mr. Mincemeat
+%
+"We maintain that the very foundation of our way of life is what we call
+free enterprise," said Cash McCall, "but when one of our citizens
+show enough free enterprise to pile up a little of that profit, we do
+our best to make him feel that he ought to be ashamed of himself."
+ -- Cameron Hawley
+%
+We may eventually come to realize that chastity is no more a virtue
+than malnutrition.
+ -- Alex Comfort
+%
+We may hope that machines will eventually compete with men in all purely
+intellectual fields. But which are the best ones to start with? Many people
+think that a very abstract activity, like the playing of chess, would be
+best. It can also be maintained that it is best to provide the machine with
+the best sense organs that money can buy, and then teach it to understand
+and speak English.
+ -- Alan M. Turing
+%
+We may not be able to persuade Hindus that Jesus and not Vishnu should govern
+their spiritual horizon, nor Moslems that Lord Buddha is at the center of
+their spiritual universe, nor Hebrews that Mohammed is a major prohpet, nor
+Christians that Shinto best expresses their spiritual concerns, to say
+nothing of the fact that we may not be able to get Christians to agree among
+themselves about their relationship to God. But all will agree on a
+proposition that they possess profound spiritual resources. If, in addition,
+we can get them to accept the further proposition that whatever form the
+Deity may have in their own theology, the Deity is not only external, but
+internal and acts through them, and they themselves give proof or disproof
+of the Deity in what they do and think; if this further proposition can be
+accepted, then we come that much closer to a truly religious situation on
+earth.
+ -- Norman Cousins, from his book "Human Options"
+%
+We may not like doctors, but at least they doctor. Bankers are not ever
+popular but at least they bank. Policeman police and undertakers take
+under. But lawyers do not give us law. We receive not the gladsome light
+of jurisprudence, but rather precedents, objections, appeals, stays,
+filings and forms, motions and counter-motions, all at $250 an hour.
+ -- Nolo News, summer 1989
+%
+We may not return the affection of those who like us,
+but we always respect their good judgement.
+%
+...we must be wary of granting too much power to natural selection
+by viewing all basic capacities of our brain as direct adaptations.
+I do not doubt that natural selection acted in building our oversized
+brains -- and I am equally confidant that our brains became large as
+an adaptation for definite roles (probably a complex set of interacting
+functions). But these assumptions do not lead to the notion, often
+uncritically embraced by strict Darwinians, that all major capacities
+of the brain must arise as direct products of natural selection.
+ -- S.J. Gould, "The Mismeasure of Man"
+%
+We must believe that it is the darkest before the dawn
+of a beautiful new world. We will see it when we believe it.
+ -- Saul Alinsky
+%
+We must die because we have known them.
+ -- Ptah-hotep, 2000 B.C.
+%
+We must finish once and for all with the neutrality of chess. We must
+condemn once and for all the formula 'chess for the sake of chess,' like
+the formula 'art for art's sake.' We must organize shock-brigades of
+chess-play ers, and begin the immediate realization of a Five-Year Plan
+for chess.
+ -- Nikolai V. Krylenko, People's Commissar for Justice
+ (of RFSFR, later of USSR), speaking at a 1932 Congress
+ of Chess Players, as quoted in Boris Souvarine's
+ "Stalin," published London, 1939
+%
+...we must not judge the society of the future by considering whether or not
+we should like to live in it; the question is whether those who have grown up
+in it will be happier than those who have grown up in our society or those of
+the past.
+ -- Joseph Wood Krutch
+%
+We must remember that in time of war what is said on the enemy's side of
+the front is always propaganda and what is said on our side of the front
+is truth and righteousness, the cause of humanity and a crusade for peace.
+ -- Walter Lippmann
+%
+We must remember the First Amendment which
+protects any shrill jackass no matter how self-seeking.
+ -- F.G. Withington
+%
+We must respect the other fellow's religion, but only in the sense and to
+the extent that we respect his theory that his wife is beautiful and his
+children smart.
+ -- H.L. Mencken, "Minority Report"
+%
+We only acknowledge small faults in order
+to make it appear that we are free from great ones.
+ -- LaRouchefoucauld
+%
+We prefer to believe that the absence of inverted commas guarantees the
+originality of a thought, whereas it may be merely that the utterer has
+forgotten its source.
+ -- Clifton Fadiman, "Any Number Can Play"
+%
+We prefer to speak evil of ourselves
+rather than not speak of ourselves at all.
+%
+We promise according to our hopes, and perform according to our fears.
+%
+We rarely find anyone who can say he has lived a happy life, and who,
+content with his life, can retire from the world like a satisfied guest.
+ -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)
+%
+We read to say that we have read.
+%
+We really don't have any enemies.
+It's just that some of our best friends are trying to kill us.
+%
+We secure our friends not by accepting favors but by doing them.
+ -- Thucydides
+%
+We seldom repent talking too little, but very often talking too much.
+ -- Jean de la Bruyere
+%
+We should be careful to get out of an experience only the wisdom that is
+in it - and stay there, lest we be like the cat that sits down on a hot
+stove-lid. She will never sit down on a hot stove-lid again - and that
+is well; but also she will never sit down on a cold one any more.
+ -- Mark Twain
+%
+We should be glad we're living in the time that we are. If any of us had been
+born into a more enlightened age, I'm sure we would have immediately been taken
+out and shot.
+ -- Strange de Jim
+%
+We should have a great many fewer disputes in the world if only words were
+taken for what they are, the signs of our ideas only, and not for things
+themselves.
+ -- John Locke
+%
+We should have a Vollyballocracy. We elect a six-pack of presidents.
+Each one serves until they screw up, at which point they rotate.
+ -- Dennis Miller
+%
+We should keep the Panama Canal. After all, we stole it fair and square.
+ -- S.I. Hayakawa
+%
+We should realize that a city is better off with bad laws, so long as they
+remain fixed, then with good laws that are constantly being altered, that
+the lack of learning combined with sound common sense is more helpful than
+the kind of cleverness that gets out of hand, and that as a general rule,
+states are better governed by the man in the street than by intellectuals.
+These are the sort of people who want to appear wiser than the laws, who
+want to get their own way in every general discussion, because they feel that
+they cannot show off their intelligence in matters of greater importance, and
+who, as a result, very often bring ruin on their country.
+ -- Cleon, Thucydides, III, 37 translation by Rex Warner
+%
+We the unwilling, led by the ungrateful, are doing the impossible.
+We've done so much, for so long, with so little,
+that we are now qualified to do something with nothing.
+%
+We the Users, in order to form a more perfect system, establish priorities,
+ensure connective tranquility, provide for common repairs, promote
+preventive maintenance, and secure the blessings of liberty for ourselves
+and our processes, do ordain and establish this Software of The Unixed States
+of America.
+%
+We thrive on euphemism. We call multi-megaton bombs "Peace-keepers", closet
+size apartments "efficient" and incomprehensible artworks "innovative". In
+fact, "euphemism" has become a euphemism for "bald-faced lie". And now, here
+are the euphemisms so colorfully employed in Personal Ads:
+
+EUPHEMISM REALITY
+------------------- -------------------------
+Excited about life's journey No concept of reality
+Spiritually evolved Oversensitive
+Moody Manic-depressive
+Soulful Quiet manic-depressive
+Poet Boring manic-depressive
+Sultry/Sensual Easy
+Uninhibited Lacking basic social skills
+Unaffected and earthy Slob and lacking basic social skills
+Irreverent Nasty and lacking basic social skills
+Very human Quasimodo's best friend
+Swarthy Sweaty even when cold or standing still
+Spontaneous/Eclectic Scatterbrained
+Flexible Desperate
+Aging child Self-centered adult
+Youthful Over 40 and trying to deny it
+Good sense of humor Watches a lot of television
+%
+We thrive on euphemism. We call multi-megaton bombs "Peace-keepers", closet
+size apartments "efficient" and incomprehensible artworks "innovative". In
+fact, "euphemism" has become a euphemism for "bald-faced lie". And now, here
+are the euphemisms so colorfully employed in Personal Ads:
+
+EUPHEMISM REALITY
+------------------- -------------------------
+Independent thinker Crazy
+High spirited Crazy and hyperactive
+Free spirited Crazy and irresponsible
+Outrageous Crazy and obnoxious
+Exotic Crazy with a pierced nose/nipple
+Cuddly Overweight
+Huggable/Zaftig/Rubenesque Fat (there's a lot to love)
+Big and beautiful Really Fat
+Fat 'n' sassy Really Fat and loud
+Svelte/Slender Anorexic
+Dynamic Pushy
+Assertive Pushy with a mean streak
+Feisty/Ambitious Would kill own mother for next corporate rung
+Demanding Will make your life a living hell
+Looking for Mr./Ms. Right Looking for Mr./Ms. Rich
+%
+We totally deny the allegations, and
+we're trying to identify the allegators.
+%
+We tried to close Ohio's borders and ran into a Constitutional problem.
+There's a provision in the Constitution that says you can't close your
+borders to interstate commerce, and garbage is a form of interstate commerce.
+ -- Ohio Lt. Governor Paul Leonard
+%
+[We] use bad software and bad machines for the wrong things.
+ -- R.W. Hamming
+%
+We warn the reader in advance that the proof presented here
+depends on a clever but highly unmotivated trick.
+ -- Howard Anton, "Elementary Linear Algebra"
+%
+We was playin' the Homestead Grays in the city of Pitchburgh. Josh
+[Gibson] comes up in the last of the ninth with a man on and us a run
+behind. Well, he hit one. The Grays waited around and waited around,
+but finally the empire rules it ain't comin' down. So we win. The
+next day, we was disputin' the Grays in Philadelphia when here come
+a ball outta the sky right in the glove of the Grays' center fielder.
+The empire made the only possible call. "You're out, boy!" he says
+to Josh. "Yesterday, in Pitchburgh."
+ -- Satchel Paige
+%
+We were happily married for eight months. Unfortunately, we
+were married for four and a half years.
+ -- Nick Faldo
+%
+We were so poor that we thought new clothes meant someone had died.
+%
+We were so poor we couldn't afford a watchdog.
+If we heard a noise at night, we'd bark ourselves.
+ -- Crazy Jimmy
+%
+We were young and our happiness dazzled us with its strength. But there was
+also a terrible betrayal that lay within me like a Merle Haggard song at a
+French restaurant. [...]
+ I could not tell the girl about the woman of the tollway, of her milk
+white BMW and her Jordache smile. There had been a fight. I had punched her
+boyfriend, who fought the mechanical bulls. Everyone told him, "You ride the
+bull, senor. You do not fight it." But he was lean and tough like a bad
+rib-eye and he fought the bull. And then he fought me. And when we finished
+there were no winners, just men doing what men must do. [...]
+ "Stop the car," the girl said.
+ There was a look of terrible sadness in her eyes. She knew about the
+woman of the tollway. I knew not how. I started to speak, but she raised an
+arm and spoke with a quiet and peace I will never forget.
+ "I do not ask for whom's the tollway belle," she said, "the tollway
+belle's for thee."
+ The next morning our youth was a memory, and our happiness was a lie.
+Life is like a bad margarita with good tequila, I thought as I poured whiskey
+onto my granola and faced a new day.
+ -- Peter Applebome, International Imitation Hemingway
+ Competition
+%
+We who revel in nature's diversity and feel instructed by every animal
+tend to brand Homo sapiens as the greatest catastrophe since the Cretaceous
+extinction.
+ -- S.J. Gould
+%
+We will have solar energy as soon as the utility companies solve
+one technical problem -- how to run a sunbeam through a meter.
+%
+we will invent new lullabies, new songs, new acts of love,
+we will cry over things we used to laugh &
+our new wisdom will bring tears to eyes of gentle
+creatures from other planets who were afraid of us till then &
+in the end a summer with wild winds &
+new friends will be.
+%
+We wish you a Hare Krishna
+We wish you a Hare Krishna
+We wish you a Hare Krishna
+And a Sun Myung Moon!
+ -- Maxwell Smart
+%
+WEAPON:
+ An index of the lack of development of a culture.
+%
+Wedding is destiny, and hanging likewise.
+ -- John Heywood
+%
+Wedding, n:
+ A ceremony at which two persons undertake to become one, one
+ undertakes to become nothing and nothing undertakes to become
+ supportable.
+ -- Ambrose Bierce
+%
+Wedding rings are the world's smallest handcuffs.
+%
+Weed's Axiom:
+ Never ask two questions in a business letter.
+ The reply will discuss the one in which you are
+ least interested and say nothing about the other.
+%
+Weekend, where are you?
+%
+Weiler's Law:
+ Nothing is impossible to a person who doesn't have to do the work.
+%
+Weinberg, as a young grocery clerk, advised the grocery manager to get
+rid of rutabagas which nobody every bought. He did so. "Well, kid, that
+was a great idea," said the manager. Then he paused and asked the killer
+question, "NOW what's the least popular vegetable?"
+
+Law: Once you eliminate your #1 problem, #2 gets a promotion.
+ -- Gerald Weinberg, "The Secrets of Consulting"
+%
+Weinberg's First Law:
+ Progress is only made on alternate Fridays.
+%
+Weinberg's Principle:
+ An expert is a person who avoids the small errors while sweeping
+ on to the grand fallacy.
+%
+Weinberg's Second Law:
+ If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs,
+ then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization.
+%
+Weiner's Law of Libraries:
+ There are no answers, only cross references.
+%
+Welcome thy neighbor into thy fallout shelter.
+He'll come in handy if you run out of food.
+ -- Dean McLaughlin.
+%
+Welcome to boggle - do you want instructions?
+
+D G G O
+
+O Y A N
+
+A D B T
+
+K I S P
+Enter words:
+>
+%
+Welcome to Lake Wobegon, where all the men are strong,
+The women are pretty, and the children are above-average.
+ -- Garrison Keillor
+%
+Welcome to the Zoo!
+%
+Welcome to UNIX! Enjoy your session! Have a great time! Note the
+use of exclamation points! They are a very effective method for
+demonstrating excitement, and can also spice up an otherwise plain-looking
+sentence! However, there are drawbacks! Too much unnecessary exclaiming
+can lead to a reduction in the effect that an exclamation point has on
+the reader! For example, the sentence
+
+ Jane went to the store to buy bread
+
+should only be ended with an exclamation point if there is something
+sensational about her going to the store, for example, if Jane is a
+cocker spaniel or if Jane is on a diet that doesn't allow bread or if
+Jane doesn't exist for some reason! See how easy it is?! Proper control
+of exclamation points can add new meaning to your life! Call now to receive
+my free pamphlet, "The Wonder and Mystery of the Exclamation Point!"!
+Enclose fifteen(!) dollars for postage and handling! Operators are
+standing by! (Which is pretty amazing, because they're all cocker spaniels!)
+%
+Welcome to Utah.
+If you think our liquor laws are funny, you should see our underwear!
+%
+Well, anyway, I was reading this James Bond book, and right away I realized
+that like most books, it had too many words. The plot was the same one that
+all James Bond books have: An evil person tries to blow up the world, but
+James Bond kills him and his henchmen and makes love to several attractive
+women. There, that's it: 24 words. But the guy who wrote the book took
+*thousands* of words to say it.
+ Or consider "The Brothers Karamazov", by the famous Russian alcoholic
+Fyodor Dostoyevsky. It's about these two brothers who kill their father.
+Or maybe only one of them kills the father. It's impossible to tell because
+what they mostly do is talk for nearly a thousand pages.If all Russians talk
+as much as the Karamazovs did, I don't see how they found time to become a
+major world power.
+ I'm told that Dostoyevsky wrote "The Brothers Karamazov" to raise
+the question of whether there is a God. So why didn't he just come right
+out and say: "Is there a God? It sure beats the heck out of me."
+ Other famous works could easily have been summarized in a few words:
+
+* "Moby Dick" -- Don't mess around with large whales because they symbolize
+ nature and will kill you.
+* "A Tale of Two Cities" -- French people are crazy.
+ -- Dave Barry
+%
+We'll be recording at the Paradise Friday
+night. Live, on the Death label.
+ -- Swan, "Phantom of the Paradise"
+%
+Well begun is half done.
+ -- Aristotle
+%
+We'll cross that bridge when we come back to it later.
+%
+Well, didja wake up grouchy or did you let her sleep?
+%
+Well, don't worry about it... It's nothing.
+ -- Lieutenant Kermit Tyler (Duty Officer of Shafter Information
+ Center, Hawaii), upon being informed that Private Joseph
+ Lockard had picked up a radar signal of what appeared to be
+ at least 50 planes soaring toward Oahu at almost 180 miles
+ per hour, December 7, 1941.
+%
+Well, fancy giving money to the Government!
+Might as well have put it down the drain.
+Fancy giving money to the Government!
+Nobody will see the stuff again.
+Well, they've no idea what money's for --
+Ten to one they'll start another war.
+I've heard a lot of silly things, but, Lor'!
+Fancy giving money to the Government!
+ -- A.P. Herbert
+%
+We'll have solar energy when the power companies develop a sunbeam meter.
+%
+Well, he didn't know what to do, so he decided to look at the government,
+to see what they did, and scale it down and run his life that way.
+ -- Laurie Anderson
+%
+Well, here it is, 1983, so it won't be long before you start reading a lot
+of boring stories about people like Vance Hartke. Hartke is a governor or
+mayor or something from one of the flatter states, and the reason you'll be
+reading about him is that he's one of the 50 top contenders for the 1984
+Democratic presidential nomination. These men will spend the next 18 months
+going around the country engaging in the most degrading activities imaginable,
+such as wearing idiot hats and appearing on "Meet the Press". "Meet the
+Press" is one of those Sunday morning public interest shows that the public
+is not the least bit interested in. It features a panel of reporters who
+ask questions of a guest politician, who wins an Amana home freezer if he
+can get through the entire show without answering a single question.
+ -- Dave Barry
+%
+Well I looked at my watch and it said a quarter to five,
+The headline screamed that I was still alive,
+I couldn't understand it, I thought I died last night.
+I dreamed I'd been in a border town,
+In a little cantina that the boys had found,
+I was desperate to dance, just to dig the local sounds.
+When along came a senorita,
+She looked so good that I had to meet her,
+I was ready to approach her with my English charm,
+When her brass knuckled boyfriend grabbed me by the arm,
+And he said, grow some funk of your own, amigo,
+Grow some funk of your own.
+We no like to with the gringo fight,
+But there might be a death in Mexico tonite.
+...
+Take my advice, take the next flight,
+And grow some funk, grow your funk at home.
+ -- Elton John, "Grow Some Funk of Your Own"
+%
+Well, I would -- if they realized that we -- again if -- if we led them
+back to that stalemate only because our retaliatory power, our seconds,
+or strike at them after our first strike, would be so destructive they
+they couldn't afford it, that would hold them off.
+ -- Ronald Reagan, on the MX missile
+%
+Well, if you can't believe what you read
+in a comic book, what *can* you believe?
+ -- Bullwinkle J. Moose
+%
+Well, I'm disenchanted too. We're all disenchanted.
+ -- James Thurber
+%
+Well, it's hard for a mere man to believe that woman doesn't have equal
+rights.
+ -- Dwight D. Eisenhower
+%
+Well, Jim, I'm not much of an actor either.
+%
+We'll know that rock is dead when you have to get a degree to work in it.
+%
+WE'LL LOOK INTO IT:
+ By the time the wheels make a full turn, we
+ assume you will have forgotten about it,too.
+%
+Well, my daddy left home when I was three,
+And he didn't leave much for Ma and me,
+Just and old guitar an'a empty bottle of booze.
+Now I don't blame him 'cause he ran and hid,
+But the meanest thing that he ever did,
+Was before he left he went and named me Sue.
+...
+But I made me a vow to the moon and the stars,
+I'd search the honkey tonks and the bars,
+And kill the man that give me that awful name.
+It was Gatlinburg in mid-July,
+I'd just hit town and my throat was dry,
+Thought I'd stop and have myself a brew,
+At an old saloon on a street of mud,
+Sitting at a table, dealing stud,
+Sat that dirty (bleep) that named me Sue.
+...
+Now, I knew that snake was my own sweet Dad,
+From a wornout picture that my Mother had,
+And I knew that scar on his cheek and his evil eye...
+ -- Johnny Cash, "A Boy Named Sue"
+%
+Well, my terminal's locked up, and I ain't got any Mail,
+And I can't recall the last time that my program didn't fail;
+I've got stacks in my structs, I've got arrays in my queues,
+I've got the : Segmentation violation -- Core dumped blues.
+
+If you think that it's nice that you get what you C,
+Then go : illogical statement with your whole family,
+'Cause the Supreme Court ain't the only place with : Bus error views.
+I've got the : Segmentation violation -- Core dumped blues.
+
+On a PDP-11, life should be a breeze,
+But with VAXen in the house even magnetic tapes would freeze.
+Now you might think that unlike VAXen I'd know who I abuse,
+I've got the : Segmentation violation -- Core dumped blues.
+ -- Core Dumped Blues
+%
+We'll pivot at warp 2 and bring all tubes to bear, Mr. Sulu!
+%
+Well, some take delight in the carriages a-rolling,
+And some take delight in the hurling and the bowling,
+But I take delight in the juice of the barley,
+And courting pretty fair maids in the morning bright and early.
+%
+Well thaaaaaaat's okay.
+%
+Well, the handwriting is on the floor.
+ -- Joe E. Lewis
+%
+We'll try to cooperate fully with the IRS, because, as citizens,
+we feel a strong patriotic duty not to go to jail.
+ -- Dave Barry
+%
+Well, we'll really have a party,
+but we've gotta post a guard outside.
+ -- Eddie Cochran, "Come On Everybody"
+%
+"Well, well, well! Well if it isn't fat stinking billy goat Billy Boy in
+poison! How art thou, thou globby bottle of cheap stinking chip oil? Come
+and get one in the yarbles, if ya have any yarble, ya eunuch jelly thou!"
+ -- Alex in "Clockwork Orange"
+%
+Well, we're big rock singers, we've got golden fingers,
+And we're loved everywhere we go.
+We sing about beauty, and we sing about truth,
+At ten thousand dollars a show.
+We take all kind of pills to give us all kind of thrills,
+But the thrill we've never known,
+Is the thrill that'll get'cha, when you get your picture,
+On the cover of the Rolling Stone.
+
+I got a freaky old lady, name of Cole King Katie,
+Who embroiders on my jeans.
+I got my poor old gray-haired daddy,
+Drivin' my limousine.
+Now it's all designed, to blow our minds,
+But our minds won't be really be blown;
+Like the blow that'll get'cha, when you get your picture,
+On the cover of the Rolling Stone.
+
+We got a lot of little, teen-aged, blue-eyed groupies,
+Who'll do anything we say.
+We got a genuine Indian guru, that's teachin' us a better way.
+We got all the friends that money can buy,
+So we never have to be alone.
+And we keep gettin' richer, but we can't get our picture,
+On the cover of the Rolling Stone.
+ -- Dr. Hook and the Medicine Show
+ [As a note, they eventually DID make the cover of RS. Ed.]
+%
+"Well, we've come full circle, Lord; I'd like to think there's some
+higher meaning to all this. It would certainly reflect well on you."
+%
+Well, you know, no matter where you go, there you are.
+ -- Buckaroo Banzai
+%
+WELL-ADJUSTED:
+ The ability to play bridge or golf as if they were games.
+%
+We
+own
+this land.
+
+I don't spend
+any time
+on this land.
+
+This
+is a tiny
+little piece
+
+of my
+business
+interests.
+
+It's like
+a grain
+of sand.
+ -- "Alliance Airport, from The Poetry Of H. Ross Perot,
+ recited on ABC's Town Meeting, June 29, 1992.
+ From SPY Magazine, November 1992
+%
+We're all in this alone.
+ -- Lily Tomlin
+%
+We're constantly being bombarded by insulting and humiliating music, which
+people are making for you the way they make those Wonder Bread products.
+Just as food can be bad for your system, music can be bad for your spirtual
+and emotional feelings. It might taste good or clever, but in the long run,
+it's not going to do anything for you.
+ -- Bob Dylan, "LA Times", September 5, 1984
+%
+We're fantastically incredibly sorry for all these extremely unreasonable
+things we did. I can only plead that my simple, barely-sentient friend
+and myself are underprivileged, deprived and also college students.
+ -- Waldo D.R. Dobbs
+%
+We're happy little Vegemites,
+ As bright as bright can be.
+We all all enjoy our Vegemite
+ For breakfast, lunch and tea.
+%
+Were it not for the presence of the unwashed and the half-educated, the
+formless, queer and incomplete, the unreasonable and absurd, the infinite
+shapes of the delightful human tadpole, the horizon would not wear so wide
+a grin.
+ -- F.M. Colby, "Imaginary Obligations"
+%
+We're Knights of the Round Table
+We dance whene'er we're able
+We do routines and chorus scenes We're knights of the Round Table
+With footwork impeccable Our shows are formidable
+We dine well here in Camelot But many times
+We eat ham and jam and Spam a lot. We're given rhymes
+ That are quite unsingable
+In war we're tough and able, We're opera mad in Camelot
+Quite indefatigable We sing from the diaphragm a lot.
+Between our quests
+We sequin vests
+And impersonate Clark Gable
+It's a busy life in Camelot.
+I have to push the pram a lot.
+ -- Monty Python
+%
+We're living in a golden age. All you need is gold.
+ -- D.W. Robertson.
+%
+We're mortal -- which is to say, we're ignorant, stupid, and sinful --
+but those are only handicaps. Our pride is that nevertheless, now and
+then, we do our best. A few times we succeed. What more dare we ask for?
+ -- Ensign Flandry
+%
+"We're not talking about the same thing," he said. "For you the world is
+weird because if you're not bored with it you're at odds with it. For me
+the world is weird because it is stupendous, awesome, mysterious,
+unfathomable; my interest has been to convince you that you must accept
+responsibility for being here, in this marvelous world, in this marvelous
+desert, in this marvelous time. I wanted to convince you that you must
+learn to make every act count, since you are going to be here for only a
+short while, in fact, too short for witnessing all the marvels of it."
+ -- Don Juan
+%
+We're only in it for the volume.
+ -- Black Sabbath
+%
+Were there no women, men might live like gods.
+ -- Thomas Dekker
+%
+Wernher von Braun settled for a V-2 when he coulda had a V-8.
+%
+Westheimer's Discovery:
+ A couple of months in the laboratory can
+ frequently save a couple of hours in the library.
+%
+Wethern's Law:
+ Assumption is the mother of all screw-ups.
+%
+We've tried each spinning space mote
+And reckoned its true worth:
+Take us back again to the homes of men
+On the cool, green hills of Earth.
+
+The arching sky is calling
+Spacemen back to their trade.
+All hands! Standby! Free falling!
+And the lights below us fade.
+Out ride the sons of Terra,
+Far drives the thundering jet,
+Up leaps the race of Earthmen,
+Out, far, and onward yet--
+
+We pray for one last landing
+On the globe that gave us birth;
+Let us rest our eyes on the fleecy skies
+And the cool, green hills of Earth.
+ -- Robert A. Heinlein, 1941
+%
+Wharbat darbid yarbou sarbay?
+%
+What!? Me worry?
+ -- A.E. Newman
+%
+What a bonanza! An unknown beginner to be directed by Lubitsch, in a script
+by Wilder and Brackett, and to play with Paramount's two superstars, Gary
+Cooper and Claudette Colbert, and to be beaten up by both of them!
+ -- David Niven, "Bring On the Empty Horses"
+%
+What a misfortune to be a woman! And yet, the worst misfortune is not to
+understand what a misfortune it is.
+ -- Kierkegaard, 1813-1855.
+%
+What a strange game. The only winning move is not to play.
+ -- WOP, "War Games"
+%
+What, after all, is a halo? It's only one more thing to keep clean.
+ -- Christopher Fry
+%
+What an artist dies with me!
+ -- Nero
+%
+What an author likes to write most is his signature on the
+back of a cheque.
+ -- Brendan Francis
+%
+What awful irony is this?
+We are as gods, but know it not.
+%
+What causes the mysterious death of everyone?
+%
+What color is a chameleon on a mirror?
+%
+What did ya do with your burder and your cross?
+Did you carry it yourself or did you cry?
+You and I know that a burden and a cross,
+Can only be carried on one man's back.
+ -- Louden Wainwright III
+%
+What did you bring that book I didn't want
+to be read to out of about Down Under up for?
+%
+What did you do when the ship sank?
+I grabbed a cake of soap and washed myself ashore.
+%
+What do I consider a reasonable person to be? I'd say a reasonable person
+is one who accepts that we are all human and therefore fallible, and takes
+that into account when dealing with others. Implicit in this definition is
+the belief that it is the right and the responsibility of each person to
+live his or her own life as he or she sees fit, to respect this right in
+others, and to demand the assumption of this responsibility by others.
+%
+What do you give a man who has everything? Penicillin.
+ -- Jerry Lester
+%
+What do you have when you have six lawyers buried up to their necks in sand?
+Not enough sand.
+%
+What does education often do?
+It makes a straight cut ditch of a free meandering brook.
+ -- Henry David Thoreau
+%
+What does it mean if there is no fortune for you?
+%
+What does it take for Americans to do great things; to go to the moon, to
+win wars, to dig canals linking oceans, to build railroads across a continent?
+In independent thought about this question, Neil Armstrong and I concluded
+that it takes a coincidence of four conditions, or in Neil's view, the
+simultaneous peaking of four of the many cycles of American life. First, a
+base of technology must exist from which to do the thing to be done. Second,
+a period of national uneasiness about America's place in the scheme of human
+activities must exist. Third, some catalytic event must occur that focuses
+the national attention upon the direction to proceed. Finally, an articulate
+and wise leader must sense these first three conditions and put forth with
+words and action the great thing to be accomplished. The motivation of young
+Americans to do what needs to be done flows from such a coincidence of
+conditions. ... The Thomas Jeffersons, The Teddy Roosevelts, The John
+Kennedys appear. We must begin to create the tools of leadership which they,
+and their young frontiersmen, will require to lead us onward and upward.
+ -- Dr. Harrison H. Schmidt
+%
+What does not destroy me, makes me stronger.
+ -- Nietzsche
+%
+What ever happened to happily ever after?
+%
+What excuses stand in your way? How can you eliminate them?
+ -- Roger von Oech
+%
+What foods these morsels be!
+%
+What fools these morals be!
+%
+What fools these mortals be.
+ -- Lucius Annaeus Seneca
+%
+What garlic is to salad, insanity is to art.
+%
+What goes up must come down. But don't expect it to come down
+where you can find it. Murphy's Law applied to Newton's.
+%
+What good is a ticket to the good life,
+if you can't find the entrance?
+%
+What good is an obscenity trial except to popularize literature?
+ -- Nero Wolfe, "The League of Frightened Men"
+%
+What good is having someone who can walk on water if you don't follow
+in his footsteps?
+%
+What good is it if you talk in flowers, and they think in pastry?
+ -- Ashleigh Brilliant
+%
+What happened last night can happen again.
+%
+What happens if a big asteroid hits Earth? Judging from realistic simulations
+involving a sledge hammer and a common laboratory frog, we can assume it will
+be pretty bad.
+ -- Dave Barry
+%
+What happens to a dream deferred?
+Does it dry up
+Like a raisin in the sun?
+Or fester like a sore --
+And then run?
+Does it stink like rotten meat?
+Or crust and sugar over --
+Like a syrupy sweet?
+
+Maybe it just sags
+Like a heavy load.
+
+Or does it explode?
+ -- Langston Hughes
+%
+What happens when you cut back the jungle? It recedes.
+%
+What has roots as nobody sees,
+Is taller than trees,
+Up, up it goes,
+And yet never grows?
+%
+What I mean (and everybody else means) by the word QUALITY cannot be
+broken down into subjects and predicates. This is not because Quality
+is so mysterious but because Quality is so simple, immediate, and direct.
+ -- R. Pirsig, "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance"
+%
+What I tell you three times is true.
+ -- Lewis Carroll
+%
+What I want is all of the power and none of the responsibility.
+%
+What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists?
+In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.
+ -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
+%
+What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream?
+Or what's worse, what if only that fat guy in the third row exists?
+ -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
+%
+What if there had been room at the inn?
+ -- Linda Festa on the origins of Christianity
+%
+What is a magician but a practising theorist?
+ -- Obi-Wan Kenobi
+%
+What is algebra, exactly? Is it one of those three-cornered things?
+ -- J.M. Barrie
+%
+What is comedy? Comedy is the art of making people laugh without making
+them puke.
+ -- Steve Martin
+%
+What is food to one, is to others bitter poison.
+ -- Titus Lucretius Carus
+%
+What is good? Everything that heightens the feeling of power in man, the
+will to power, power itself. What is bad? Everything that is born of
+weakness. Not contentedness but more power; not peace but war; not virtue
+but fitness. The weak and the failures shall perish: first principle of
+our love of man. And they shall even be given every possible assistance.
+What is more harmful than any vice? Active pity for all the failures and
+all the weak: Christianity.
+ -- Friedrich Nietzsche
+%
+What is important is food, money and opportunities for scoring off one's
+enemies. Give a man these three things and you won't hear much squawking
+out of him.
+ -- Brian O'Nolan, "The Best of Myles"
+%
+What is irritating about love is that it is a crime that requires
+an accomplice.
+ -- Charles Baudelaire
+%
+What is love but a second-hand emotion?
+ -- Tina Turner
+%
+What is mind? No matter.
+What is matter? Never mind.
+ -- Thomas Hewitt Key, 1799-1875
+%
+What is now proved was once only imagin'd.
+ -- William Blake
+%
+What is research but a blind date with knowledge?
+ -- Will Harvey
+%
+What is robbing a bank compared with founding a bank?
+ -- Bertolt Brecht, "The Threepenny Opera"
+%
+What is status?
+ Status is when the President calls you for your opinion.
+
+Uh, no...
+ Status is when the President calls you in to discuss a
+ problem with him.
+
+Uh, that still ain't right...
+ STATUS is when you're in the Oval Office talking to the President,
+ and the phone rings. The President picks it up, listens for a
+ minute, and hands it to you, saying, "It's for you."
+%
+What is the difference between a Turing machine and the modern computer?
+It's the same as that between Hillary's ascent of Everest and the
+establishment of a Hilton on its peak.
+%
+What is the robbing of a bank compared to the founding of a bank?
+ -- Bertold Brecht
+%
+What is the sound of one hand clapping?
+%
+What is this line of duty, and suffering? You are not supposed to suffer
+if you are an assassin. The other person is supposed to suffer.
+ -- Chiun, glory of the name of Sinanju, teacher of the youth
+ from outside Sinanju named Remo.
+%
+What is tolerance? -- it is the consequence of humanity. We are all formed
+of frailty and error; let us pardon reciprocally each other's folly -- that
+is the first law of nature.
+ -- Voltaire
+%
+What is truth? We must adopt a pragmatic definition: it is what is believed
+to be the truth. A lie that is put across therefore becomes the truth and
+may, therefore, be justified. The difficulty is to keep up lying... it is
+simpler to tell the truth and if a sufficient emergency arises, to tell one,
+big thumping lie that will then be believed.
+ -- Ministry of Information, memo on the maintenance of
+ British civilian morale, 1939
+%
+What is wanted is not the will to believe, but the will to find out,
+which is the exact opposite.
+ -- Bertrand Russell, "Skeptical Essays", 1928
+%
+What is wanted is not the will-to-believe,
+but the wish to find out, which is exact opposite.
+ -- Bertrand Russell
+%
+What is worth doing is worth the trouble of asking somebody to do it.
+%
+What kind of sordid business are you on now? I mean, man, whither
+goest thou? Whither goest thou, America, in thy shiny car in the night?
+ -- Jack Kerouac
+%
+What luck for the rulers that men do not think.
+ -- Adolph Hitler
+%
+What makes the Universe so hard to comprehend
+is that there's nothing to compare it with.
+%
+What makes us so bitter against people who outwit us
+is that they think themselves cleverer than we are.
+%
+What makes you think graduate school
+is supposed to be satisfying?
+ -- Erica Jong, "Fear of Flying"
+%
+What most people want is all of the power but none of the responsibility.
+%
+What no spouse of a writer can ever understand
+is that a writer is working when he's staring out the window.
+%
+What nonsense people talk about happy marriages!
+A man can be happy with any woman so long as he doesn't love her.
+ -- Wilde
+%
+What on earth would a man do with himself
+if something did not stand in his way?
+ -- H.G. Wells
+%
+What one believes to be true either is true or becomes true.
+ -- John Lilly
+%
+What one fool can do, another can.
+ -- Ancient Simian Proverb
+%
+What orators lack in depth they make up in length.
+%
+What pains others pleasures me,
+At home am I in Lisp or C;
+There i couch in ecstasy,
+'Til debugger's poke i flee,
+Into kernel memory.
+In system space, system space, there shall i fare--
+Inside of a VAX on a silicon square.
+%
+What passes for optimism is most often the effect of an intellectual error.
+ -- Raymond Aron, "The Opium of the Intellectuals"
+%
+What passes for woman's intuition is often nothing
+more than man's transparency.
+ -- George Nathan
+%
+What passes for woman's intuition
+is often nothing more than man's transparency.
+%
+What publishers are looking for these days isn't radical feminism.
+It's corporate feminism -- a brand of feminism designed to sell books
+and magazines, three-piece suits, airline tickets, Scotch, cigarettes
+and, most important, corporate America's message, which runs: Yes,
+women were discriminated against in the past, but that unfortunate
+mistake has been remedied; now every woman can attain wealth, prestige
+and power by dint of individual rather than collective effort.
+ -- Susan Gordon
+%
+What really shapes and conditions and makes us is somebody only a few
+of us ever have the courage to face: and that is the child you once
+were, long before formal education ever got its claws into you -- that
+impatient, all-demanding child who wants love and power and can't get
+enough of either and who goes on raging and weeping in your spirit
+till at last your eyes are closed and all the fools say, "Doesn't he
+look peaceful?" It is those pent-up, craving children who make all
+the wars and all the horrors and all the art and all the beauty and
+discovery in life, because they are trying to achieve what lay beyond
+their grasp before they were five years old.
+ -- Robertson Davies, "The Rebel Angels"
+%
+What sane person could live in this world and not be crazy?
+ -- U.K. LeGuin
+%
+What scoundrel stole the cork from my lunch?
+ -- J.D. Farley
+%
+What segment's this, that, laid to rest
+On FHA0, is sleeping?
+What system file, lay here a while This, this is "acct.run,"
+While hackers around it were weeping? Accounting file for everyone.
+ Dump, dump it and type it out,
+ The file, the highseg of login.
+Why lies it here, on public disk
+And why is it now unprotected?
+A bug in incant, made it thus. Mount, mount all your DECtapes now
+And copy the file somehow, somehow. The problem has not been corrected.
+ Dump, dump it and type it out,
+ The file, the highseg of login.
+ -- to Greensleeves
+%
+What sin has not been committed in the name of efficiency?
+%
+What soon grows old? Gratitude.
+ -- Aristotle
+%
+What, still alive at twenty-two,
+A clean upstanding chap like you?
+Sure, if your throat 'tis hard to slit,
+Slit your girl's, and swing for it.
+Like enough, you won't be glad,
+When they come to hang you, lad:
+But bacon's not the only thing
+That's cured by hanging from a string.
+So, when the spilt ink of the night
+Spreads o'er the blotting pad of light,
+Lads whose job is still to do
+Shall whet their knives, and think of you.
+ -- Hugh Kingsmill
+%
+What the deuce is it to me? You say that we go around the sun. If we went
+around the moon it would not make a pennyworth of difference to me or my work.
+ -- Sherlock Holmes, "A Study in Scarlet"
+%
+What the hell is it good for?
+ -- Robert Lloyd (engineer of the Advanced Computing Systems
+ Division of IBM), to colleagues who insisted that the
+ microprocessor was the wave of the future, c. 1968
+%
+What the large print giveth, the small print taketh away.
+%
+What the scientists have in their briefcases is terrifying.
+ -- Nikita Khruschev
+%
+What they said:
+ What they meant:
+
+"I recommend this candidate with no qualifications whatsoever."
+ (Yes, that about sums it up.)
+"The amount of mathematics she knows will surprise you."
+ (And I recommend not giving that school a dime...)
+"I simply can't say enough good things about him."
+ (What a screw-up.)
+"I am pleased to say that this candidate is a former colleague of mine."
+ (I can't tell you how happy I am that she left our firm.)
+"When this person left our employ, we were quite hopeful he would go
+a long way with his skills."
+ (We hoped he'd go as far as possible.)
+"You won't find many people like her."
+ (In fact, most people can't stand being around her.)
+"I cannot reccommend him too highly."
+ (However, to the best of my knowledge, he has never committed a
+ felony in my presence.)
+%
+What they said:
+ What they meant:
+
+"If you knew this person as well as I know him, you would think as much
+of him as I do."
+ (Or as little, to phrase it slightly more accurately.)
+"Her input was always critical."
+ (She never had a good word to say.)
+"I have no doubt about his capability to do good work."
+ (And it's nonexistent.)
+"This candidate would lend balance to a department like yours, which
+already has so many outstanding members."
+ (Unless you already have a moron.)
+"His presentation to my seminar last semester was truly remarkable:
+one unbelievable result after another."
+ (And we didn't believe them, either.)
+"She is quite uniform in her approach to any function you may assign her."
+ (In fact, to life in general...)
+%
+What they said:
+ What they meant:
+
+"You will be fortunate if you can get him to work for you."
+ (We certainly never succeeded.)
+There is no other employee with whom I can adequately compare him.
+ (Well, our rats aren't really employees...)
+"Success will never spoil him."
+ (Well, at least not MUCH more.)
+"One usually comes away from him with a good feeling."
+ (And such a sigh of relief.)
+"His dissertation is the sort of work you don't expect to see these days;
+in it he has definitely demonstrated his complete capabilities."
+ (And his IQ, as well.)
+"He should go far."
+ (The farther the better.)
+"He will take full advantage of his staff."
+ (He even has one of them mowing his lawn after work.)
+%
+What they say: What they mean:
+
+A major technological breakthrough... Back to the drawing board.
+Developed after years of research Discovered by pure accident.
+Project behind original schedule due We're working on something else.
+ to unforseen difficulties
+Designs are within allowable limits We made it, stretching a point or two.
+Customer satisfaction is believed So far behind schedule that they'll be
+ assured grateful for anything at all.
+Close project coordination We're gonna spread the blame, campers!
+Test results were extremely gratifying It works, and boy, were we surprised!
+The design will be finalized... We haven't started yet, but we've got
+ to say something.
+The entire concept has been rejected The guy who designed it quit.
+We're moving forward with a fresh We hired three new guys, and they're
+ approach kicking it around.
+A number of different approaches... We don't know where we're going, but
+ we're moving.
+Preliminary operational tests are Blew up when we turned it on.
+ inconclusive
+Modifications are underway We're starting over.
+%
+What they say: What they mean:
+
+New Different colors from previous version.
+All New Not compatible with previous version.
+Exclusive Nobody else has documentation.
+Unmatched Almost as good as the competition.
+Design Simplicity The company wouldn't give us any money.
+Fool-proof Operation All parameters are hard-coded.
+Advanced Design Nobody really understands it.
+Here At Last Didn't get it done on time.
+Field Tested We don't have any simulators.
+Years of Development Finally got one to work.
+Unprecedented Performance Nothing ever ran this slow before.
+Revolutionary Disk drives go 'round and 'round.
+Futuristic Only runs on a next generation supercomputer.
+No Maintenance Impossible to fix.
+Performance Proven Worked through Beta test.
+Meets Tough Quality Standards It compiles without errors.
+Satisfaction Guaranteed We'll send you another pack if it fails.
+Stock Item We shipped it before and can do it again.
+%
+What this country needs is a dime that will buy a good five-cent bagel.
+%
+What this country needs is a good 5 dollar plasma weapon.
+%
+What this country needs is a good five cent ANYTHING!
+%
+What this country needs is a good five cent microcomputer.
+%
+What this country needs is a good five-cent nickel.
+%
+What time is it?
+I don't know, it keeps changing.
+%
+What upsets me is not that you lied to me,
+but that from now on I can no longer believe you.
+ -- Nietzsche
+%
+What we Are is God's give to us.
+What we Become is our gift to God.
+%
+What we cannot speak about we must pass over in silence.
+ -- Wittgenstein
+%
+What we do not understand we do not possess.
+ -- Goethe
+%
+What we need is either less corruption,
+or more chance to participate in it.
+%
+What we see depends on mainly what we look for.
+ -- John Lubbock
+%
+What we wish, that we readily believe.
+ -- Demosthenes
+%
+What will you do if all your problems aren't solved by the time you die?
+%
+What you don't know won't help you much either.
+ -- D. Bennett
+%
+What you see is from outside yourself, and may come, or not, but is beyond
+your control. But your fear is yours, and yours alone, like your voice, or
+your fingers, or your memory, and therefore yours to control. If you feel
+powerless over your fear, you have not yet admitted that it is yours, to do
+with as you will.
+ -- Marion Zimmer Bradley, "Stormqueen"
+%
+What you want, what you're hanging around in the world waiting for, is for
+something to occur to you.
+ -- Robert Frost
+
+ [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
+ referring to AST's.]
+%
+Whatever became of eternal truth?
+%
+Whatever became of Strange de Jim? Well, he found a substitute for
+cocaine: "You cover Q-tips with sandpaper and ram them up your
+nostrils as far as they will go. Then you sniff talcum powder while
+shredding hundred dollar bills."
+ -- Herb Caen
+%
+Whatever doesn't succeed in two months and a half in California will
+never succeed.
+ -- Rev. Henry Durant, founder of the University of California
+%
+Whatever else can be said about sex, it cannot be called a dignified
+performance.
+ -- Helen Lawrenson
+%
+Whatever happened to the good old days
+when sex was dirty and the air was clean?
+%
+Whatever is not nailed down is mine.
+Whatever I can pry up is not nailed down.
+ -- Collis P. Huntingdon, railroad tycoon
+%
+Whatever it is, I fear Greeks even when they bring gifts.
+ -- Publius Vergilius Maro (Virgil)
+%
+Whatever occurs from love is always beyond good and evil.
+ -- Friedrich Nietzsche
+%
+Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half
+as good. Luckily this is not difficult.
+ -- Charlotte Whitton
+%
+Whatever you do will be insignificant, but it is very important that
+you do it.
+ -- Ghandi
+%
+Whatever you do will be insignificant,
+but it is very important that you do it.
+ -- Gandhi
+%
+Whatever you may be sure of, be sure of this: that you are dreadfully like
+other people.
+ -- James Russell Lowell, "My Study Windows"
+%
+Whatever you want to do, you have to do something else first.
+%
+What's a cult? It just means not enough people to make a minority.
+ -- Robert Altman
+%
+What's all this bru-ha-ha?
+%
+What's another word for "thesaurus"?
+ -- Steven Wright
+%
+What's done to children, they will do to society.
+%
+What's page one, a preemptive strike?
+ -- Professor Freund, Communication, Ramapo State College
+%
+What's so funny?
+%
+What's the matter with the world? Why, there ain't but one thing wrong
+with every one of us - and that's "selfishness."
+ -- The Best of Will Rogers
+%
+What's the ugliest part of your body?
+What's the ugliest part of your body?
+Some say your nose,
+Some say your toes,
+But I think it's your mind.
+ -- Frank Zappa, 1965
+%
+What's this stuff about people being "released on their
+own recognizance"? Aren't we all out on own recognizance?
+%
+When a Banker jumps out of a window,
+jump after him -- that's where the money is.
+ -- Robespierre
+%
+When a camel flies, no one laughs if it doesn't get very far!
+%
+When a cow laughs, does milk come out of its nose?
+%
+When a fellow says, "It ain't the money but
+the principle of the thing," it's the money.
+ -- Kim Hubbard
+%
+When a girl can read the handwriting on
+the wall, she may be in the wrong rest room.
+%
+When a girl marries she exchanges the attentions of many men for the
+inattentions of one.
+ -- Helen Rowland
+%
+When a lion meets another with a louder roar,
+the first lion thinks the last a bore.
+ -- G.B. Shaw
+%
+When a lot of remedies are suggested for
+a disease, that means it can't be cured.
+ -- Chekhov, "The Cherry Orchard"
+%
+When a man assumes a public trust, he
+should consider himself as public property.
+ -- Thomas Jefferson
+%
+When a man is tired of London, he is tired of life.
+ -- Samuel Johnson
+%
+When a man knows he is to be hanged in a fortnight,
+it concentrates his mind wonderfully.
+ -- Samuel Johnson
+%
+When a man sits with a pretty girl for an hour, it seems like a minute.
+But let him sit on a hot stove for a minute-- and it's longer than any
+hour. That's relativity.
+ -- Albert Einstein
+%
+When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him
+keep her.
+ -- Sacha Guitry
+%
+When a man you like switches from what he said a year ago, or four years
+ago, he is a broad-minded man who has courage enough to change his mind
+with changing conditions. When a man you don't like does it, he is a
+liar who has broken his promises.
+ -- Franklin Adams
+%
+When a person goes on a diet, the first thing he loses is his temper.
+%
+When a place gets crowded enough to require ID's, social collapse is not
+far away. It is time to go elsewhere. The best thing about space travel
+is that it made it possible to go elsewhere.
+ -- R.A. Heinlein, "Time Enough For Love"
+%
+When a shepherd goes to kill a wolf, and takes his dog along to see
+the sport, he should take care to avoid mistakes. The dog has certain
+relationships to the wolf the shepherd may have forgotten.
+ -- Robert Pirsig, "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance"
+%
+When a woman gives me a present I have always two surprises:
+first is the present, and afterward, having to pay for it.
+ -- Donnay
+%
+When a woman marries again it is because she detested her first husband.
+When a man marries again, it is because he adored his first wife.
+ -- Wilde
+%
+When alerted to an intrusion by tinkling glass or otherwise, 1) Calm
+yourself 2) Identify the intruder 3) If hostile, kill him.
+
+Step number 3 is of particular importance. If you leave the guy alive
+out of misguided softheartedness, he will repay your generosity of spirit
+by suing you for causing his subsequent paraplegia and seek to force you
+to support him for the rest of his rotten life. In court he will plead
+that he was depressed because society had failed him, and that he was
+looking for Mother Teresa for comfort and to offer his services to the
+poor. In that lawsuit, you will lose. If, on the other hand, you kill
+him, the most that you can expect is that a relative will bring a wrongful
+death action. You will have two advantages: first, there be only your
+story; forget Mother Teresa. Second, even if you lose, how much could
+the bum's life be worth anyway? A Lot less than 50 years worth of
+paralysis. Don't play George Bush and Saddam Hussein. Finish the job.
+ -- G. Gordon Liddy's Forbes column on personal security
+%
+When Alexander Graham Bell died in 1922, the telephone people
+interrupted service for one minute in his honor. They've been
+honoring him intermittently ever since, I believe.
+ -- The Grab Bag
+%
+When all else fails, EAT!!!
+%
+When all else fails, pour a pint of Guinness in the gas tank, advance
+the spark 20 degrees, cry "God Save the Queen!", and pull the starter
+knob.
+ -- MG "Series MGA" Workshop Manual
+%
+When all else fails, read the instructions.
+%
+When all else fails, try Kate Smith.
+%
+When all other means of communication fail, try words.
+%
+When among apes, one must play the ape.
+%
+When angry, count four; when very angry, swear.
+ -- Mark Twain
+%
+When arguments fail, use a blackjack.
+ -- Ed "Spike" O'Donnell
+%
+When arguments fail, use a blackjack.
+ -- Edward "Spike" O'Donnell, Al Capone associate.
+%
+When asked the definition of "pi":
+The Mathematician:
+ Pi is the number expressing the relationship between the
+ circumference of a circle and its diameter.
+The Physicist:
+ Pi is 3.1415927, plus or minus 0.000000005.
+The Engineer:
+ Pi is about 3.
+%
+When Boy Scouts do it, it's intense.
+%
+When childhood dies, its corpses are called adults.
+ -- Brian Aldiss
+%
+When choosing between two evils, I always
+like to take the one I've never tried before.
+ -- Mae West, "Klondike Annie"
+%
+When confronted by a difficult problem, you can often solve it quite
+easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger
+handle this?"
+%
+When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more easily by
+reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"
+%
+When Cthulhu calls, He calls collect!
+%
+When democracy granted democratic methods to us in times of opposition, this
+was bound to happen in a democratic system. However, we National Socialists
+never asserted that we represented a democratic point of view, but we have
+declared openly that we used the democratic methods only to gain power and
+that, after assuming the power, we would deny to our adversaries without any
+consideration the means which were granted to us in times of our opposition.
+ -- Josef Goebbels
+%
+When Dexter's on the Internet, can Hell be far behind?"
+%
+When does later become never?
+%
+When does summertime come to Minnesota, you ask?
+Well, last year, I think it was a Tuesday.
+%
+When eating an elephant take one bite at a time.
+ -- Gen. C. Abrams
+%
+When forecasting, give them a number
+or give them a date, but never both.
+%
+When God endowed human beings with brains,
+He did not intend to guarantee them.
+%
+When God saw how faulty was man He tried again and made woman. As to
+why he then stopped there are two opinions. One of them is woman's.
+ -- DeGourmont
+%
+When he got in trouble in the ring, [Ali] imagined a door swung open and
+inside he could see neon, orange, and green lights blinking, and bats
+blowing trumpets and alligators blowing trombones, and he could hear snakes
+screaming. Weird masks and actors' clothes hung on the wall, and if he
+stepped across the sill and reached for them, he knew that he was committing
+himself to destruction.
+ -- George Plimpton
+%
+When I came back to Dublin I was courtmartialed in my absence and sentenced
+to death in my absence, so I said they could shoot me in my absence.
+ -- Brendan Behan
+%
+When I demanded of my friend what viands he preferred,
+He quoth: "A large cold bottle, and a small hot bird!"
+ -- Eugene Field, "The Bottle and the Bird"
+%
+when i die, i'd like to go peacefully.
+in my sleep.
+like my grandfather.
+
+not screaming,
+like the passengers in his car...
+%
+When I drink, *everybody* drinks!" a man shouted to the assembled bar patrons. A
+loud general cheer went up. After downing his whiskey, he hopped onto a
+barstool and shouted "When I take another drink, *everybody* takes another
+drink!" The announcement produced another cheer and another round of drinks.
+ As soon as he had downed his second drink, the fellow hopped back
+onto the stool. "And when I pay," he bellowed, slapping five dollars onto
+the bar, "*everybody* pays!"
+%
+When I first arrived in this country I had only fifteen cents in my pocket
+and a willingness to compromise.
+ -- Weber cartoon caption
+%
+When I get real bored, I like to drive down town and get a great
+parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me
+if i'm leaving.
+ -- Steven Wright
+%
+When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot,
+then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.
+ -- Steven Wright
+%
+When I grow up, I want to be an honest
+lawyer so things like that can't happen.
+ -- Richard Nixon, as a boy, on the Teapot Dome scandal
+%
+When I have one foot in the grave I will tell the truth about women. I
+shall tell it, jump into my coffin, pull the lid over me, and say, "Do
+what you like now."
+ -- Tolstoy
+%
+When I hear a man applauded by the mob I always feel a pang of pity
+for him. All he has to do to be hissed is to live long enough.
+ -- H.L. Mencken, "Minority Report"
+%
+When I kill, the only thing I feel is recoil.
+%
+When I said "we", officer, I was referring to
+myself, the four young ladies, and, of course, the goat.
+%
+When I saw a sign on the freeway that said, "Los Angeles 445 miles," I said
+to myself, "I've got to get out of this lane."
+ -- Franklyn Ajaye
+%
+When I say the magic word to all these people, they will vanish forever.
+I will then say the magic words to you, and you, too, will vanish -- never
+to be seen again.
+ -- Kurt Vonnegut Jr., "Between Time and Timbuktu"
+%
+When I sell liquor, it's called bootlegging; when my patrons serve
+it on silver trays on Lake Shore Drive, it's called hospitality.
+ -- Al Capone
+%
+When I think about myself,
+I almost laugh myself to death,
+My life has been one great big joke, Sixty years in these folks' world
+A dance that's walked The child I works for calls me girl
+A song that's spoke, I say "Yes ma'am" for working's sake.
+I laugh so hard I almost choke Too proud to bend
+When I think about myself. Too poor to break,
+ I laugh until my stomach ache,
+ When I think about myself.
+My folks can make me split my side,
+I laughed so hard I nearly died,
+The tales they tell, sound just like lying,
+They grow the fruit,
+But eat the rind,
+I laugh until I start to crying,
+When I think about my folks.
+ -- Maya Angelou
+%
+When I was 16, I thought there was no hope for my father.
+By the time I was 20, he had made great improvement.
+%
+When I was a boy I was told that anyone could become President.
+Now I'm beginning to believe it.
+ -- Clarence Darrow
+%
+When I was a child... We had a quick-sand box in the backyard...
+I was an only child... eventually.
+ -- Stephen Wright
+%
+When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd
+all go play in his cave, and every once in a while he would eat one of us.
+It wasn't until later that I found out that Uncle Caveman was a bear.
+ -- Jack Handey
+%
+When I was a kid, we had a quick-sand box in the backyard.
+I was an only child... eventually.
+ -- Steven Wright
+%
+When I was a young man, I vowed never to marry until I found the ideal
+woman. Well, I found her -- but alas, she was waiting for the ideal man.
+ -- Robert Schuman
+%
+When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if
+I had any firearms with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?"
+ -- Steven Wright
+%
+When I was growing up my mother kept telling me we're just friends.
+
+I tell ya I was an ugly kid. I was so ugly that my Dad kept the kid's
+picture that came with the wallet he bought.
+ -- Rodney Dangerfield
+%
+When I was in college, there were a lot of four-letter words you couldn't
+say in front of girls. Now you can say them. But you can't say "girls".
+%
+When I was in school, I cheated on my metaphysics exam:
+I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
+ -- Woody Allen
+%
+When I was little, I went into a pet shop and they asked how big I'd get.
+ -- Rodney Dangerfield
+%
+When I was seven years old, I was once reprimanded by my mother for an act
+of collective brutality in which I had been involved at school. A group of
+seven-year-olds had been teasing and tormenting a six-year-old. "It is
+always so," my mother said. "You do things together which not one of you
+would think of doing alone." ... Wherever one looks in the world of human
+organization, collective responsibility brings a lowering of moral standards.
+The military establishment is an extreme case, an organization which seems
+to have been expressly designed to make it possible for people to do things
+together which nobody in his right mind would do alone.
+ -- Freeman Dyson, "Weapons and Hope"
+%
+When I was young we didn't have MTV; we
+had to take drugs and go to concerts.
+ -- Steven Pearl
+%
+When I was younger, I could remember anything, whether it had happened
+or not; but my faculties are decaying now and soon I shall be so I cannot
+remember any but the things that never happened. It is sad to go to
+pieces like this but we all have to do it.
+ -- Mark Twain
+%
+When I woke up this morning, my girlfriend asked if I had
+slept well. I said, "No, I made a few mistakes."
+ -- Steven Wright
+%
+When I works, I works hard.
+When I sits, I sits easy.
+And when I thinks, I goes to sleep.
+%
+When I'm gone, boxing will be nothing again. The fans with the cigars and
+the hats turned down'll be there, but no more housewives and little men in
+the street and foreign presidents. It's goin' to be back to the fighter who
+comes to town, smells a flower, visits a hospital, blows a horn and says
+he's in shape. Old hat. I was the onliest boxer in history people asked
+questions like a senator.
+ -- Muhammad Ali
+%
+When I'm good, I'm great; but when I'm bad, I'm better.
+ -- Mae West
+%
+When in charge ponder,
+When in doubt mumble,
+When in trouble delegate.
+%
+When in doubt, do it. It's much easier
+to apologize than to get permission.
+ -- Grace Murray Hopper
+%
+When in doubt, do what the President does -- guess.
+%
+When in doubt, follow your heart.
+%
+When in doubt, have a man come through the door with a gun in his hand.
+ -- Raymond Chandler
+%
+When in doubt, lead trump.
+%
+When in doubt, mumble; when in trouble, delegate; when in charge, ponder.
+ -- James H. Boren
+%
+When in doubt, tell the truth.
+ -- Mark Twain
+%
+When in doubt, use brute force.
+ -- Ken Thompson
+%
+When in Rome, live in the Roman way.
+ -- St. Ambrose
+%
+When in this world the headlines read
+Of those whose hearts are filled with greed
+Who rob and steal from those who need
+The cry goes up with blinding speed for Underdog (UNDERDOG!)
+Underdog (UNDERDOG!)
+Speed of lightning, roar of thunder
+Fighting all who rob or plunder
+Underdog (ah-ah-ah-ah)
+Underdog
+UNDERDOG!
+%
+When in trouble or in doubt, run in circles, scream and shout.
+%
+When it comes to broken marriages most husbands will split the blame --
+half his wife's fault, and half her mother's.
+%
+When it comes to helping you, some people stop at nothing.
+%
+When it is not necessary to make a decision,
+it is necessary not to make a decision.
+%
+When it's dark enough you can see the stars.
+ -- Ralph Waldo Emerson,
+%
+When license fees are too high,
+users do things by hand.
+When the management is too intrusive,
+users lose their spirit.
+
+Hack for the user's benefit.
+Trust them; leave them alone.
+%
+When love is gone, there's always justice.
+And when justice is gone, there's always force.
+And when force is gone, there's always Mom.
+Hi, Mom!
+ -- Laurie Anderson
+%
+When man calls an animal "vicious", he usually means that it
+will attempt to defend itself when he tries to kill it.
+%
+When managers hold endless meetings, the programmers write games. When
+accountants talk of quarterly profits, the development budget is about to
+be cut. When senior scientists talk blue sky, the clouds are about to roll
+in.
+
+Truly, this is not the Tao of Programming.
+
+When managers make commitments, game programs are ignored. When accountants
+make long-range plans, harmony and order are about to be restored. When
+senior scientists address the problems at hand, the problems will soon be
+solved.
+
+Truly, this is the Tao of Programming.
+%
+When Marriage is Outlawed,
+Only Outlaws will have Inlaws.
+%
+When more and more people are thrown out of work, unemployment results.
+ -- Calvin Coolidge
+%
+When my brain begins to reel from my
+literary labors, I make an occasional cheese dip.
+ -- Ignatius Reilly
+%
+When my fist clenches crack it open,
+Before I use it and lose my cool.
+When I smile tell me some bad news,
+Before I laugh and act like a fool.
+
+And if I swallow anything evil,
+Put you finger down my throat.
+And if I shiver please give me a blanket,
+Keep me warm let me wear your coat
+
+No one knows what it's like to be the bad man,
+ to be the sad man.
+Behind blue eyes.
+No one knows what its like to be hated,
+ to be fated,
+To telling only lies.
+ -- The Who
+%
+When my freshman roommate at Cornell found out I was Jewish, she was,
+at her request, moved to a different room. She told me she didn't
+think she had ever seen a Jew before. My only response was to begin
+wearing a small Star of David on a chain around my neck. I had not
+become a more observing Jew; rather, discovering that the label of
+Jew was offensive to others made me want to let people know who I
+was and what I believed in. Similarly, after talking to these young
+women -- one of whom told me that she didn't think she had ever met
+a feminist -- I've taken to identifying myself as a feminist in the
+most unlikely of situations.
+ -- Susan Bolotin, "Voices From the Post-Feminist Generation"
+%
+When neither their poverty nor their honor is
+touched, the majority of men live content.
+ -- Niccolo Machiavelli
+%
+When nothing can possibly go wrong, it will.
+%
+When one burns one's bridges, what a very nice fire it makes.
+ -- Dylan Thomas
+%
+When one knows women one pities men,
+but when one studies men, one excuses women.
+ -- Horne Tooke
+%
+When one wants to get rid of an unsupportable pressure, one needs hashish.
+ -- Friedrich Nietzsche
+%
+When one woman was asked how long she had been going to symphony concerts,
+she paused to calculate and replied, "Forty-seven years -- and I find I mind
+it less and less."
+ -- Louise Andrews Kent
+%
+When oxygen Tech played Hydrogen U.
+The Game had just begun, when Hydrogen scored two fast points
+And Oxygen still had none
+Then Oxygen scored a single goal
+And thus it did remain, At Hydrogen 2 and Oxygen 1
+Called because of rain.
+%
+When people have trouble communicating,
+the least they can do is to shut up.
+ -- Tom Lehrer
+%
+When people say nothing, they don't necessarily mean nothing.
+%
+When pleasure remains, does it remain a pleasure?
+%
+When President Paul Doumer of France was assassinated in Paris in 1932,
+newspapers differed in their versions of the event. This is from "Paris
+was Yesterday: 1925-1939" by Janet Flanner, edited by Irving Drutman.
+
+ Taste varied as to his cry when he was shot down, the more popular
+ papers preferring his despairing "Oh, la la!," the graver dailies
+ favoring "Is it possible?" What few reported were his dying words:
+ "But what kind of chauffeur was it?" Having been told by his aides
+ not that he had been shot but that he had been struck by a taxi, the
+ President spent the last conscious moments of his life wondering how
+ how an automobile got into the charity book sale at the Maison
+ Rothschild, where his assassination occurred.
+%
+When properly administered, vacations do not diminish productivity: for
+every week you're away and get nothing done, there's another when your boss
+is away and you get twice as much done.
+ -- Daniel B. Luten
+%
+When smashing monuments, save the pedstals -- they always come in handy.
+ -- Stanislaw J. Lem, "Unkempt Thoughts"
+%
+When some people decide it's time for everyone to make
+big changes, it means that they want you to change first.
+%
+When some people discover the truth, they just
+can't understand why everybody isn't eager to hear it.
+%
+When someone makes a move We'll send them all we've got,
+Of which we don't approve, John Wayne and Randolph Scott,
+Who is it that always intervenes? Remember those exciting fighting scenes?
+U.N. and O.A.S., To the shores of Tripoli,
+They have their place, I guess, But not to Mississippoli,
+But first, send the Marines! What do we do? We send the Marines!
+
+For might makes right, Members of the corps
+And till they've seen the light, All hate the thought of war:
+They've got to be protected, They'd rather kill them off by
+ peaceful means.
+All their rights respected, Stop calling it aggression--
+Till somebody we like can be elected. We hate that expression!
+ We only want the world to know
+ That we support the status quo;
+ They love us everywhere we go,
+ So when in doubt, send the Marines!
+ -- Tom Lehrer, "Send The Marines"
+%
+When someone says "I want a programming language in
+which I need only say what I wish done," give him a lollipop.
+%
+When speculation has done its worst, two plus two still equals four.
+ -- S. Johnson
+%
+When taxes are due, Americans tend to feel quite bled-white and blue.
+%
+When the Apple IIc was introduced, the informative copy led off with a couple
+of asterisked sentences:
+
+ It weighs less than 8 pounds.*
+ And costs less than $1,300.**
+
+In tiny type were these "fuller explanations":
+
+ * Don't asterisks make you suspicious as all get out? Well, all
+ this means is that the IIc alone weights 7.5 pounds. The power
+ pack, monitor, an extra disk drive, a printer and several bricks
+ will make the IIc weigh more. Our lawyers were concerned that you
+ might not be able to figure this out for yourself.
+
+ ** The FTC is concerned about price fixing. You can pay more if
+ you really want to. Or less.
+ -- Forbes
+%
+When the ax entered the forest, the trees said, "The handle is one of us!"
+ -- Turkish proverb
+%
+When the blind lead the blind they will both fall over the cliff.
+ -- Chinese proverb
+%
+When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never
+talking about themselves.
+%
+When the candles are out all women are fair.
+ -- Plutarch
+%
+When the cup is full, carry it level.
+%
+When the English language gets in my way, I walk over it.
+ -- Billy Sunday
+%
+When the fog came in on little cat feet last night, it left these little
+muddy paw prints on the hood of my car.
+%
+When the going gets tough, everyone leaves.
+ -- Lynch
+%
+When the going gets tough, the tough go grab a beer.
+%
+When the going gets tough, the tough go shopping.
+%
+When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro.
+ -- Hunter S. Thompson
+%
+When the government bureau's remedies do not match
+your problem, you modify the problem, not the remedy.
+%
+When the government bureau's remedies don't match your problem, you modify
+the problem, not the remedy.
+%
+When the Guru administers, the users
+are hardly aware that he exists.
+Next best is a sysop who is loved.
+Next, one who is feared.
+And worst, one who is despised.
+
+If you don't trust the users,
+you make them untrustworthy.
+
+The Guru doesn't talk, he hacks.
+When his work is done,
+the users say, "Amazing:
+we implemented it, all by ourselves!"
+%
+When the leaders speak of peace
+The common folk know
+That war is coming
+When the leaders curse war
+The mobilization order is already written out.
+
+Every day, to earn my daily bread
+I go to the market where lies are bought
+Hopefully
+I take my place among the sellers.
+ -- Bertolt Brecht, "Hollywood"
+%
+When the lights are out, all women are fair.
+ -- Plutarch
+%
+When the Ngdanga tribe of West Africa hold their moon love ceremonies,
+the men of the tribe bang their heads on sacred trees until they get a
+nose bleed, which usually cures them of that.
+ -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
+%
+When the only tool you have is a hammer, every problem starts to look
+like a nail.
+%
+When the President does it, that means it is not illegal.
+ -- Richard Nixon
+%
+When the revolution comes, count your change.
+%
+When the saleman's car broke down, he walked to the nearest farmhouse to ask
+if he could stay the night. The farmer agreed to put him up. "I live alone,"
+he continued, "you can have the bedroom at the top of the stairs, to the
+right."
+ "Oh, never mind," the disappointed salesman said. "I think I'm in
+the wrong joke."
+%
+When the sun shineth, make hay.
+ -- John Heywood
+%
+When the Universe was not so out of whack as it is today, and all the
+stars were lined up in their proper places, you could easily count them
+from left to right, or top to bottom, and the larger and bluer ones were
+set apart, and the smaller yellowing types pushed off to the corners as
+bodies of a lower grade...
+ -- Stanislaw Lem
+%
+When the usher noticed a man stretched across three seats in a movie theatre,
+he walked over and whispered, "I'm sorry, sir, but you're allowed only a single
+seat." The man moaned, but did not budge. "Sir," the user said more loudly,
+"if you don't move, I'll have to call a manager." The man moaned again but
+stayed where he was. The usher left, and returned with the manager, who, after
+several more attempts at dislodging the fellow, called the police.
+ The cop took a look at the reclining man and said, "All right, boyo,
+what's your name?"
+ "Samuel," he mumbled.
+ "And where're you from, Sam?"
+ "The balcony."
+%
+When the wind is great, bow before it;
+when the wind is heavy, yield to it.
+%
+When there are two conflicting versions of the story, the wise course
+is to believe the one in which people appear at their worst.
+ -- H. Allen Smith, "Let the Crabgrass Grow"
+%
+When there is an old maid in the house, a watch dog is unnecessary.
+ -- Honore de Balzac
+%
+When things go well, expect something to
+explode, erode, collapse or just disappear.
+%
+When two people are under the influence of the most violent, most insane,
+most delusive, and most transient of passions, they are required to swear
+that they will remain in that excited, abnormal, and exhausting condition
+continuously until death do them part.
+ -- George Bernard Shaw
+%
+When users see one GUI as beautiful,
+other user interfaces become ugly.
+When users see some programs as winners,
+other programs become lossage.
+
+Pointers and NULLs reference each other.
+High level and assembler depend on each other.
+Double and float cast to each other.
+High-endian and low-endian define each other.
+While and until follow each other.
+
+Therefore the Guru
+programs without doing anything
+and teaches without saying anything.
+Warnings arise and he lets them come;
+processes are swapped and he lets them go.
+He has but doesn't possess,
+acts but doesn't expect.
+When his work is done, he deletes it.
+That is why it lasts forever.
+%
+When we are planning for posterity,
+we ought to remember that virtue is not hereditary.
+ -- Thomas Paine
+%
+When we jumped into Sicily, the units became separated, and I couldn't find
+anyone. Eventually I stumbled across two colonels, a major, three captains,
+two lieutenants, and one rifleman, and we secured the bridge. Never in the
+history of war have so few been led by so many.
+ -- General James Gavin
+%
+When we talk of tomorrow, the gods laugh.
+%
+When we understand knowledge-based systems, it will be
+as before -- except our finger-tips will have been singed.
+%
+When we write programs that "learn",
+it turns out we do and they don't.
+%
+When women kiss it always reminds one of prize fighters shaking hands.
+ -- H.L. Mencken, "Sententiae"
+%
+When women love us, they forgive us everything, even our crimes;
+when they do not love us, they give us credit for nothing, not
+even our virtues.
+ -- Honore de Balzac
+%
+When you are about to die, a wombat is better than no company at all.
+ -- Roger Zelazny, "Doorways in the Sand"
+%
+When you are about to do an objective and scientific piece of investigation
+of a topic, it is well to gave the answer firmly in hand, so that you can
+proceed forthrightly, without being deflected or swayed, directly to the
+goal.
+ -- Amrom Katz
+%
+When you are at Rome live in the Roman style;
+when you are elsewhere live as they live elsewhere.
+ -- St. Ambrose
+%
+When you are in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut.
+%
+When you are working hard, get up and retch every so often.
+%
+When you are young, you enjoy a sustained illusion that sooner or later
+something marvelous is going to happen, that you are going to transcend
+your parents' limitations... At the same time, you feel sure that in all
+the wilderness of possibility; in all the forests of opinion, there is a
+vital something that can be known -- known and grasped. That we will
+eventually know it, and convert the whole mystery into a coherent
+narrative. So that then one's true life -- the point of everything --
+will emerge from the mist into a pure light, into total comprehension.
+But it isn't like that at all. But if it isn't, where did the idea come
+from, to torture and unsettle us?
+ -- Brian Aldiss, "Helliconia Summer"
+%
+When you become used to never being alone,
+you may consider yourself Americanized.
+%
+When you dial a wrong number you never get a busy signal.
+%
+When you die, you lose a very important part of your life.
+ -- Brooke Shields
+%
+When you dig another out of trouble,
+you've got a place to bury your own.
+%
+When you do not know what you are doing, do it neatly.
+%
+When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
+%
+When you find yourself in danger, when you're threatened by a stranger,
+When it looks like you will take a lickin'...
+There is one thing you should learn,
+When there is no one else to turn to,
+Caaaall for Super Chicken (**bwuck-bwuck-bwuck-bwuck**)
+Caaaall for Super Chicken!!
+%
+When you find yourself in danger,
+When you're threatened by a stranger,
+When it looks like you will take a lickin'...
+
+There is one thing you should learn,
+When there is no one else to turn to,
+ Caaaall for Super Chicken!! (**bwuck-bwuck-bwuck-bwuck**)
+ Caaaall for Super Chicken!!
+%
+When you find yourself in danger,
+When you're threatened by a stranger,
+When it looks like you will take a lickin'...
+There is one thing you should learn,
+When there is no one else to turn to,
+Caaaaaall for Super Chicken.
+%
+When you get what you want in your struggle for self
+And the world makes you king for a day,
+Just go to a mirror and look at yourself
+And see what that man has to say.
+ For it isn't your father or mother or wife
+ Whose judgement upon you must pass;
+ The fellow whose verdict counts most in your life
+ Is the one staring back from the glass.
+Some people may think you a straight-shootin' chum
+And call you a wonderful guy,
+But the man in the glass says you're only a bum
+If you can't look him straight in the eye.
+ He's the fellow to please, never mind all the rest,
+ For he's with you clear up to the end,
+ And you've passed your most dangerous, difficult test
+ If the man in the glass is your friend.
+You may fool the whole world down the pathway of life
+And get pats on the back as you pass,
+But your final reward will be heartaches and tears
+If you've cheated the man in the glass.
+%
+When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve
+people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
+ -- Norm Crosby
+%
+When you go out to buy, don't show your silver.
+%
+When you have eliminated the impossible, whatever
+remains, however improbable, must be the truth.
+ -- Sherlock Holmes, "The Sign of Four"
+%
+When you have shot and killed a man you have in some measure
+clarified your attitude toward him. You have given a definite
+answer to a definite problem. For better or worse you have
+acted decisively. In a way, the next move is up to him.
+ -- R.A. Lafferty
+%
+When you have to kill a man it costs nothing to be polite.
+ -- W. Churchill, on formal declarations of war
+%
+When you jump for joy, beware that no-one
+moves the ground from beneath your feet.
+ -- Stanislaw Lem, "Unkempt Thoughts"
+%
+When you live in a sick society,
+just about everything you do is wrong.
+%
+When you make your mark in the world,
+watch out for guys with erasers.
+ -- The Wall Street Journal
+%
+When you meet a master swordsman,
+show him your sword.
+When you meet a man who is not a poet,
+do not show him your poem.
+ -- Rinzai, ninth century Zen master
+%
+When you overesteem great hackers,
+more users become cretins.
+When you develop encryption,
+more users become crackers.
+
+The Guru leads
+by emptying user's minds
+and increasing their quotas,
+by weakening their ambition
+and toughening their resolve.
+When users lack knowledge and desire,
+management will not try to interfere.
+
+Practice not-looping,
+and everything will fall into place.
+%
+When you say that you agree to a thing in principle, you mean that
+you have not the slightest intention of carrying it out in practice.
+ -- Otto Von Bismarck
+%
+When you speak to others for their own good it's advice;
+when they speak to you for your own good it's interference.
+%
+When you try to make an impression, the
+chances are that is the impression you will make.
+%
+When you were born, a big chance was taken for you.
+%
+When your conscious becomes unconscious, you are drunk.
+When your unconscious becomes conscious, you are stoned.
+%
+When your life is a leaf that the seasons tear off and condemn
+They will bind you with love that is graceful and green as a stem.
+ -- Leonard Cohen, "Sisters of Mercy"
+%
+When your memory goes, forget it!
+%
+When your work speaks for itself, don't interrupt.
+ -- Henry J. Kaiser
+%
+When you're a Yup
+You're a Yup all the way
+From your first slice of Brie
+To your last Cabernet.
+
+When you're a Yup
+You're not just a dreamer
+You're making things happen
+You're driving a Beamer.
+%
+When you're away, I'm restless, lonely
+Wretched, bored, dejected, only
+Here's the rub, my darling dear,
+I feel the same when you are hear.
+ -- Samuel Hoffenstein, "Poems in Praise of Practically Nothing"
+%
+When you're bored with yourself, marry, and be bored with someone else.
+ -- David Pryce-Jones
+%
+When you're dining out and you suspect
+something's wrong, you're probably right.
+%
+When you're down and out, lift up your
+voice and shout, "I'M DOWN AND OUT"!
+%
+When you're in command, command.
+ -- Admiral Nimitz
+%
+When you're married to someone, they take you for granted ... when
+you're living with someone it's fantastic ... they're so frightened
+of losing you they've got to keep you satisfied all the time.
+ -- Nell Dunn, "Poor Cow"
+%
+When you're not looking at it, this fortune is written in FORTRAN.
+%
+When you're ready to give up the struggle, who can you surrender to?
+%
+WHEN YOU'RE RIDING IN A TIME MACHINE way far into the future, don't stick
+your elbow out the window or it'll turn into a fossil.
+ -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
+%
+When you've seen one nuclear war, you've seen them all.
+%
+Whenever a system becomes completely defined,
+some damn fool discovers something which either
+abolishes the system or expands it beyond recognition.
+%
+WHENEVER ANYBODY SAYS he's struggling to become a human being I have to
+laugh because the apes beat him to it by about a million years. Struggle
+to become a parrot or something.
+ -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
+%
+Whenever anyone says, "theoretically," they really mean "not really".
+ -- Dave Parnas
+%
+Whenever I date a guy, I think, is this the man I want my children
+to spend their weekends with?
+ -- Rita Rudner
+%
+Whenever I feel like exercise, I lie down until the feeling passes.
+%
+Whenever I hear anyone arguing for slavery, I feel
+a strong impulse to see it tried on him personally.
+ -- A. Lincoln
+%
+Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct
+is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me.
+Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.
+ -- Jack Handey
+%
+Whenever people agree with me I always feel I must be wrong.
+ -- Oscar Wilde
+%
+Whenever Richard Cory went downtown,
+ We people on the pavement looked at him:
+He was a gentleman from sole to crown,
+ Clean-favored, and imperially slim.
+And he was always quietly arrayed,
+ And he was always human when he talked;
+But still he fluttered pulses when he said,
+ "Good morning," and he glittered when he walked.
+And he was rich -- yes, richer than a king --
+ And admirably schooled in every grace:
+In fine, we thought that he was everything
+ To make us wish that we were in his place.
+So on we worked, and waited for the light,
+ And went without the meat, and cursed the bread;
+And Richard Cory, one calm summer night,
+ Went home and put a bullet through his head.
+ -- E.A. Robinson, "Richard Cory"
+%
+Whenever someone tells you to take their advice,
+you can be pretty sure that they're not using it.
+%
+Whenever the literary German dives into a sentence, that
+is the last you are going to see of him until he emerges
+on the other side of his Atlantic with his verb in his mouth.
+ -- Mark Twain
+%
+Whenever you find that you are on the
+side of the majority, it is time to reform.
+ -- Mark Twain
+%
+Where a calculator on the ENIAC is equpped with 18,000 vaccuum tubes and
+weighs 30 tons, computers in the future may have only 1,000 vaccuum tubes
+and perhaps weight 1 1/2 tons.
+ -- Popular Mechanics, March 1949
+%
+Where am I? Who am I? Am I? I
+%
+Where are the calculations that go with a calculated risk?
+%
+WHERE CAN THE MATTER BE
+ Oh, dear, where can the matter be
+ When it's converted to energy?
+ There is a slight loss of parity.
+ Johnny's so long at the fair.
+%
+Where do I find the time for not reading so many books?
+ -- Karl Kraus
+%
+Where do you go to get anorexia?
+ -- Shelley Winters
+%
+Where humor is concerned there are no standards -- no one can say what
+is good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will.
+ -- John Kenneth Galbraith
+%
+Where is John Carson now that we need him?
+ -- RLG
+%
+Where it is a duty to worship the sun it is pretty sure to be a crime to
+examine the laws of heat.
+ -- Christopher Morley
+%
+Where, oh, where, are you tonight?
+Why did you leave me here all alone?
+I searched the world over, and I thought I'd found true love.
+You met another, and *PPHHHLLLBBBBTTT*, you wuz gone.
+
+Gloom, despair and agony on me.
+Deep dark depression, excessive misery.
+If it weren't for bad luck, I'd have no luck at all.
+Oh, gloom, despair and agony on me.
+ -- Hee Haw
+%
+Where, oh where, are you tonight?
+Why did you leave me here all alone?
+I searched the world over,
+And I thought I'd found true love,
+You met another and [Bronx cheer] you were gone!
+ -- Hee Haw
+%
+Where the hell is Wall Drug?
+%
+Where the system is concerned, you're not allowed to ask "Why?".
+%
+Where there are visible vapors, having their prevenance
+in ignited carbonaceous materials, there is conflagration.
+%
+Where there is much light there is also much shadow.
+ -- Goethe
+%
+Where there's a whip there's a way.
+%
+Where there's a will, there's a relative.
+%
+Where there's a will, there's an Inheritance Tax.
+%
+Where will it all end?
+Probably somewhere near where it all began.
+%
+Where you stand depends on where you sit.
+ -- Rufus Miles, HEW
+%
+Whereof one cannot speak, thereof one must be silent.
+ -- Wittgenstein
+%
+Where's the man could ease a heart
+Like a satin gown?
+ -- Dorothy Parker, "The Satin Dress"
+%
+...whether it is better to spend a life not knowing what you want or to
+spend a life knowing exactly what you want and that you will never have it.
+ -- Richard Shelton
+%
+Whether weary or unweary, O man, do not rest,
+Do not cease your single-handed struggle.
+Go on, do not rest.
+ -- An old Gujarati hymn
+%
+Whether you can hear it or not,
+The Universe is laughing behind your back.
+%
+Which would you rather have, a bursting
+planet or an earthquake here and there?
+ -- John Joseph Lynch
+%
+While anyone can admit to themselves they were
+wrong, the true test is admission to someone else.
+%
+While Europe's eye is fix'd on mighty things,
+The fate of empires and the fall of kings;
+While quacks of State must each produce his plan,
+And even children lisp the Rights of Man;
+Amid this mighty fuss just let me mention,
+The Rights of Woman merit some attention.
+ -- Robert Burns,
+ Address on "The Rights of Woman", November 26, 1792
+%
+While Europe's eye is fix'd on mighty things,
+The fate of empires and the fall of kings;
+While quacks of State must each produce his plan,
+And even children lisp the Rights of Man;
+Amid this mighty fuss just let me mention,
+The Rights of Woman merit some attention.
+ -- Robert Burns, Address on "The Rights of Woman", 1792
+%
+While having never invented a sin,
+I'm trying to perfect several.
+%
+While he was in New York on location for _Bronco Billy_ (1980), Clint
+Eastwood agreed to a television interview. His host, somewhat hostile,
+began by defining a Clint Eastwood picture as a violent, ruthless,
+lawless, and bloody piece of mayhem, and then asked Eastwood himself to
+define a Clint Eastwood picture. "To me," said Eastwood calmly, "what
+a Clint Eastwood picture is, is one that I'm in."
+ -- Boller and Davis, "Hollywood Anecdotes"
+%
+While I nodded, nearly napping, suddenly there came a tapping,
+As of some one gently rapping, rapping at my chamber door.
+ -- Edgar Allan Poe, "The Raven"
+
+ [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
+ referring to hardware interrupts.]
+
+And now I see with eye serene
+The very pulse of the machine.
+ -- William Wordsworth, "She Was a Phantom of Delight"
+
+ [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
+ referring to software interrupts.]
+%
+While money can't buy happiness, it certainly
+lets you choose your own form of misery.
+%
+While money doesn't buy love, it puts you in a great bargaining position.
+%
+While most peoples' opinions change,
+the conviction of their correctness never does.
+%
+While passing a vacant lot late one night, a jogger was stopped by a man who
+held a gun to his head.
+ "Who are you for," the gunman snarled, "Bush or Dukakis?"
+ The runner thought for a moment, shifting nervously from foot to foot,
+as the muzzle pressed harder into his temple.
+ "Bush or Dukakis?" the mugger insisted.
+ Finally, the jogger shrugged his shoulders, closed his eyes and bowed
+his head. "Go ahead and shoot."
+%
+While there's life, there's hope.
+ -- Publius Terentius Afer (Terence)
+%
+While walking down a crowded
+City street the other day,
+I heard a little urchin
+To a comrade turn and say,
+"Say, Chimmey, lemme tell youse,
+I'd be happy as a clam
+If only I was de feller dat
+Me mudder t'inks I am.
+
+"She t'inks I am a wonder, My friends, be yours a life of toil
+An' she knows her little lad Or undiluted joy,
+Could never mix wit' nuttin' You can learn a wholesome lesson
+Dat was ugly, mean or bad. From that small, untutored boy.
+Oh, lot o' times I sit and t'ink Don't aim to be an earthly saint
+How nice, 'twould be, gee whiz! With eyes fixed on a star:
+If a feller was de feller Just try to be the fellow that
+Dat his mudder t'inks he is." Your mother thinks you are.
+ -- Will S. Adkin, "If I Only Was the Fellow"
+%
+While we are sleeping, two-thirds of the world is plotting to do us in.
+ -- Dean Rusk
+%
+While you don't greatly need the outside world, it's
+still very reassuring to know that it's still there.
+%
+While you recently had your problems on the run,
+they've regrouped and are making another attack.
+%
+While your friend holds you affectionately by both
+your hands you are safe, for you can watch both of his.
+%
+Whip it, whip it good!
+%
+Whistler's Law:
+ You never know who is right, but you always know who is in charge.
+%
+Whistler's mother is off her rocker.
+%
+White dwarf seeks red giant for binary relationship.
+%
+White House carpenters have reworked the master bedroom, remodeling it
+so that Ronnie can sleep with his head in the hall. That way, by the
+time he wakes up, somebody will have already shined his hair.
+%
+Whitehead's Law:
+ The obvious answer is always overlooked.
+%
+White's Statement:
+ Don't lose heart!
+
+Owen's Commentary on White's Statement:
+ ...they might want to cut it out...
+
+Byrd's Addition to Owen's Commentary:
+ ...and they want to avoid a lengthy search.
+%
+Who are you?
+%
+Who can take the demands of the SDS seriously?
+ -- Nathan Pusey
+%
+Who cares if it doesn't do anything? It was made with
+our new Triple-Iso-Bifurcated-Krypton-Gate-MOS process...
+%
+Who dat who say "who dat" when I say "who dat"?
+ -- Hattie McDaniel
+%
+Who does not love wine, women, and song,
+Remains a fool his whole life long.
+ -- Johann Heinrich Voss
+%
+Who does not trust enough will not be trusted.
+ -- Lao Tsu
+%
+Who goeth a-borrowing goeth a-sorrowing.
+ -- Thomas Tusser
+%
+Who is D.B. Cooper, and where is he now?
+%
+Who is John Galt?
+%
+Who is W.O. Baker, and why is he saying those terrible things about me?
+%
+Who loves me will also love my dog.
+ -- John Donne
+%
+Who loves not wisely but too well
+Will look on Helen's face in hell,
+But he whose love is thin and wise
+Will view John Knox in Paradise.
+ -- Dorothy Parker
+%
+Who made the world I cannot tell;
+'Tis made, and here am I in hell.
+My hand, though now my knuckles bleed,
+I never soiled with such a deed.
+ -- A.E. Housman
+%
+Who needs companionship when you
+can sit alone in your room and drink?
+%
+Who on earth would eat a charred caterpillar!?
+No, no, you SINGE 'em! You SINGE 'em and eat 'em!
+%
+Who the hell wants to hear actors talk?
+ -- Harry Warner, Warner Bros. Pictures, c. 1927
+%
+Who to himself is law no law doth need,
+offends no law, and is a king indeed.
+ -- George Chapman
+%
+Who took the MMMMMM out of MURINE?
+%
+Who was that masked man?
+%
+Who will take care of the world after you're gone?
+%
+"WHOA!! Ken and Barbie are having TOO MUCH FUN!!
+It must be the NEGATIVE IONS!!"
+ -- Zippy the Pinhead
+%
+Whoever dies with the most toys wins.
+%
+Whoever fights monsters should see to it that in the process he does not
+become a monster. And when you look into an abyss, the abyss also looks
+into you.
+ -- Friedrich Nietzsche
+%
+Whoever fights monsters should see to it that in the process he does not
+become a monster. And when you look long into an abyss, the abyss also
+looks into you.
+ -- Nietzsche
+%
+Whoever named it "necking" was a poor judge of anatomy.
+ -- Groucho Marx
+%
+Whoever tells a lie cannot be pure in heart -- and only the
+pure in heart can make a good soup.
+ -- Ludwig Van Beethoven
+%
+Whoever would lie usefully should lie seldom.
+%
+Whom computers would destroy, they must first drive insane.
+%
+Whom the mad would destroy, first they make Gods.
+ -- Bernard Levin
+%
+Who's on first?
+%
+Who's scruffy-looking?
+ -- Han Solo
+%
+Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
+Why a man would want *two* wives is a bigamystery.
+%
+Why am I so soft in the middle when the rest of my life is so hard?
+ -- Paul Simon
+%
+Why are programmers non-productive?
+Because their time is wasted in meetings.
+
+Why are programmers rebellious?
+Because the management interferes too much.
+
+Why are the programmers resigning one by one?
+Because they are burnt out.
+
+Having worked for poor management, they no longer value their jobs.
+ -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
+%
+Why are you so hard to ignore?
+%
+Why are you watching
+The washing machine?
+I love entertainment
+So long as it's clean.
+
+Professor Doberman:
+ While the preceding poem is unarguably a change from the guarded
+pessimism of "The Hound of Heaven," it cannot be regarded as an unqualified
+improvement. Obscurity is of value only when it tends to clarify the poetic
+experience. As much as one is compelled to admire the poem's technique, one
+must question whether its byplay of complex literary allusions does not in
+fact distract from the unity of the whole. In the final analysis, one
+receives the distinct impression that the poem's length could safely have
+been reduced by a factor of eight or ten without sacrificing any of its
+meaning. It is to be hoped that further publication of this poem can be
+suspended pending a thorough investigation of its potential subversive
+implications.
+%
+Why attack God? He may be as miserable as we are.
+ -- Erik Satie
+%
+Why be a man when you can be a success?
+ -- Bertolt Brecht
+%
+Why be difficult when, with a bit of effort, you could be impossible?
+%
+Why be difficult, when, with just a little effort, you can be impossible?
+%
+Why be difficult, when, with just a
+little more effort, you can be impossible?
+%
+Why bother building anymore nuclear
+warheads until we use the ones we have?
+%
+Why did the Lord give us so much quickness of
+movement unless it was to avoid responsibility with?
+%
+Why did the Roman Empire collapse?
+What's the Latin for office automation?
+%
+Why do mathematicians insist on using words that already have another
+meaning? "It is the complex case that is easier to deal with." "If it
+doesn't happen at a corner, but at an edge, it nonetheless happens at a
+corner."
+%
+Why do seagulls live near the sea?
+'Cause if they lived near the bay, they'd be called baygulls.
+%
+Why do so many foods come packaged in plastic?
+It's quite uncanny.
+%
+Why do they call a fast a fast, when it goes so slow?
+%
+Why do they call it baby-SITTING when all you do is run after them?
+%
+Why do we want intelligent terminals
+when there are so many stupid users?
+%
+Why does a hearse horse snicker, hauling a lawyer away?
+ -- Carl Sandburg
+%
+Why does a ship carry cargo and a truck carry shipments?
+%
+Why does man kill? He kills for food.
+And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage.
+ -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
+%
+Why doesn't everybody leave everybody else the hell alone?
+ -- Jimmy Durante
+%
+Why don't somebody print the truth about our present economic condition?
+We spent years of wild buying on credit, everything under the sun, whether
+we needed it or not, and now we are having to pay for it, howling like a
+pet coon. This would be a great world to dance in if we didn't have to
+pay the fiddler.
+ -- The Best of Will Rogers
+%
+Why don't you fix your little problem... and light this candle?
+ -- Alan Shepherd, the first man into space, Gemini program
+%
+Why, every one as they like; as the good woman said when she
+kissed her cow.
+ -- Rabelais
+%
+Why I Can't Go Out With You:
+
+I'd LOVE to, but...
+ -- I have to answer all of my "occupant" letters.
+ -- None of my socks match.
+ -- I'm having all my plants neutered.
+ -- I changed the lock on my door and now I can't get out.
+ -- My yucca plant is feeling yucky.
+ -- I'm touring China with a wok band.
+ -- My chocolate-appreciation class meets that night.
+ -- I'm running off to Yugoslavia with a foreign-exchange student
+ named Basil Metabolism.
+ -- There are important world issues that need worrying about.
+ -- I'm going to count the bristles in my toothbrush.
+ -- I prefer to remain an enigma.
+ -- I think you want the OTHER Peggy/Cathy/Mike/whomever.
+ -- I feel a song coming on.
+%
+Why I Can't Go Out With You:
+
+I'd LOVE to, but...
+ -- I have to draw "Cubby" for an art scholarship.
+ -- I have to sit up with a sick ant.
+ -- I'm trying to be less popular.
+ -- My bathroom tiles need grouting.
+ -- I'm waiting to see if I'm already a winner.
+ -- My subconscious says no.
+ -- I just picked up a book called "Glue in Many Lands" and I
+ can't seem to put it down.
+ -- My favorite commercial is on TV.
+ -- I have to study for my blood test.
+ -- I've been traded to Cincinnati.
+ -- I'm having my baby shoes bronzed.
+ -- I have to go to court for kitty littering.
+%
+Why I Can't Go Out With You:
+
+I'd LOVE to, but...
+ -- I have to floss my cat.
+ -- I've dedicated my life to linguini.
+ -- I need to spend more time with my blender.
+ -- It wouldn't be fair to the other Beautiful People.
+ -- It's my night to pet the dog/ferret/goldfish/radio.
+ -- I'm going downtown to try on some gloves.
+ -- I have to check the freshness dates on my dairy products.
+ -- I'm due at the bakery to watch the buns rise.
+ -- I have an appointment with a cuticle specialist.
+ -- I have some really hard words to look up.
+%
+Why I Can't Go Out With You:
+
+I'd LOVE to, but...
+ -- I'm trying to see how long I can go without saying yes.
+ -- I'm attending the opening of my garage door.
+ -- The monsters haven't turned blue yet, and I have to eat more dots.
+ -- I'm converting my calendar watch from Julian to Gregorian.
+ -- I have to fulfill my potential.
+ -- I don't want to leave my comfort zone.
+ -- It's too close to the turn of the century.
+ -- I have to bleach my hare.
+ -- I'm worried about my vertical hold knob.
+ -- I left my body in my other clothes.
+%
+Why I Can't Go Out With You:
+
+I'd LOVE to, but...
+ -- I've got a Friends of the Lowly Rutabaga meeting.
+ -- I promised to help a friend fold road maps.
+ -- I've been scheduled for a karma transplant.
+ -- I'm staying home to work on my cottage cheese sculpture.
+ -- It's my parakeet's bowling night.
+ -- I'm building a plant from a kit.
+ -- There's a disturbance in the Force.
+ -- I'm doing door-to-door collecting for static cling.
+ -- I'm teaching my ferret to yodel.
+ -- My crayons all melted together.
+%
+Why is it called a funny bone when it hurts so much?
+%
+Why is it taking so long for her to bring out all the good in you?
+%
+Why is it that we rejoice at a birth and grieve at a funeral?
+It is because we are not the person involved.
+ -- Mark Twain
+%
+Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
+ -- Stephen Wright
+%
+Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet?
+ -- Lily Tomlin
+%
+Why isn't there some cheap and easy
+way to prove how much she means to me?
+%
+Why my thoughts are my own, when they are in, but when they are out they
+are another's.
+ -- Susanna Martin, executed for witchcraft, 1681
+%
+Why not? -- What? -- Why not? -- Why should I not send it? -- Why should I
+not dispatch it? -- Why not? -- Strange! I don't know why I shouldn't --
+Well, then -- You will do me this favor. -- Why not? -- Why should you not
+do it? -- Why not? -- Strange! I shall do the same for you, when you want
+me to. Why not? Why should I not do it for you? Strange! Why not? --
+I can't think why not.
+ -- Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart, from a letter to his cousin Maria,
+ "The Definitive Biography of PDQ Bach", Peter Schickele
+%
+Why not go out on a limb?
+Isn't that where the fruit is?
+%
+Why on earth do people buy old bottles of wine when they can get a
+fresh one for a quarter of the price?
+%
+Why was I born with such contemporaries?
+ -- Oscar Wilde
+%
+Why, when no honest man will deny in private that every ultimate problem is
+wrapped in the profoundest mystery, do honest men proclaim in pulpits that
+unhesitating certainty is the duty of the most foolish and ignorant? Is it
+not a spectacle to make the angels laugh? We are a company of ignorant
+beings, feeling our way through mists and darkness, learning only be
+incessantly repeated blunders, obtaining a glimmering of truth by falling
+into every conceivable error, dimly discerning light enough for our daily
+needs, but hopelessly differing whenever we attempt to describe the ultimate
+origin or end of our paths; and yet, when one of us ventures to declare that
+we don't know the map of the universe as well as the map of our infintesimal
+parish, he is hooted, reviled, and perhaps told that he will be damned to all
+eternity for his faithlessness.
+ -- Leslie Stephen, "An Agnostic's Apology",
+ Fortnightly Review, 1876
+%
+Why won't you let me kiss you goodnight? Is it something I said?
+ -- Tom Ryan
+%
+Why would anyone want to be called "Later"?
+%
+Why you say you no bunny rabbit when you have little powder-puff tail?
+ -- The Tasmanian Devil
+%
+Wiker's Law:
+ Government expands to absorb all
+ available revenue and then some.
+%
+Wilcox's Law:
+ A pat on the back is only a few
+ centimeters from a kick in the pants.
+%
+Will Rogers never met you.
+%
+Will you loan me $20.00 and only give me ten of it?
+That way, you will owe me ten, and I'll owe you ten, and we'll be even!
+%
+Will your long-winded speeches never end?
+What ails you that you keep on arguing?
+ -- Job 16:3
+%
+William Safire's Rules for Writers:
+ Remember to never split an infinitive. The passive voice
+should never be used. Do not put statements in the negative form.
+Verbs have to agree with their subjects. Proofread carefully to see if
+you words out. If you reread your work, you can find on rereading a
+great deal of repetition can be avoided by rereading and editing. A
+writer must not shift your point of view. And don't start a sentence
+with a conjunction. (Remember, too, a preposition is a terrible word
+to end a sentence with.) Don't overuse exclamation marks!! Place
+pronouns as close as possible, especially in long sentences, as of 10
+or more words, to their antecedents. Writing carefully, dangling
+participles must be avoided. If any word is improper at the end of a
+sentence, a linking verb is. Take the bull by the hand and avoid
+mixing metaphors. Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky. Everyone
+should be careful to use a singular pronoun with singular nouns in
+their writing. Always pick on the correct idiom. The adverb always
+follows the verb. Last but not least, avoid cliches like the plague;
+seek viable alternatives.
+%
+Williams and Holland's Law:
+ If enough data is collected,
+ anything may be proven by statistical methods.
+%
+Willie in the cauldron fell; Willie saw some dynamite,
+See the grief on mother's brow; Couldn't understand it quite;
+Mother loved her darling well -- Curiosity never pays:
+Willie's quite hard-boiled by now. It rained Willie seven days.
+
+Little Willie with a shout, William in a nice new sash,
+Gouged the baby's eyeballs out; Fell in the fire and burned to an ash.
+Stamped on them to make them pop. Now, although the room grows chilly,
+Mother cried, "Now, William, stop!" I haven't the heart to poke poor Billy.
+
+William with a thirst for gore, Little Willie mean as hell,
+Nailed the baby to the door. Threw his sister in the well!
+Mother said, with humor quaint: Said his mother when drawing water,
+"Careful, Will, don't mar the paint." 'sure is hard to raise a daughter.'
+ -- Harry Graham, "Ruthless Rhymes for Heartless Homes", 1899
+%
+Wilner's Observation:
+ All conversations with a potato should be conducted in private.
+%
+Winning isn't everything. It's the only thing.
+ -- Vince Lombardi
+%
+Winning isn't everything, but losing isn't anything.
+%
+Winny and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity...
+If you wanted to run the blender, you had to rub balloons on your
+head... if you wanted to cook, you had to pull off a sweater real quick...
+ -- Stephen Wright
+%
+Winter is nature's way of saying, "Up yours."
+ -- Robert Byrne
+%
+Winter is the season in which people try to keep the house
+as warm as it was in the summer, when they complained about the heat.
+%
+[Wisdom] is a tree of life to those laying
+hold of her, making happy each one holding her fast.
+ -- Proverbs 3:18, NSV
+%
+Wisdom is knowing what to do with what you know.
+ -- J. Winter Smith
+%
+Wisdom is rarely found on the best-seller list.
+%
+Wishing without work is like fishing without bait.
+ -- Frank Tyger
+%
+WIT:
+ The salt with which the American Humorist spoils his cookery...
+ by leaving it out.
+%
+With a rubber duck, one's never alone.
+%
+With all the fancy scientists in the world,
+why can't they just once build a nuclear balm.
+%
+With all the talent around, it's sort of
+amazing that a woman could be up here with us.
+ -- Ralph Kiner, on introducing an award winner
+%
+With clothes the new are best, with friends the old are best.
+%
+With Congress, every time they make a joke it's a law; and every time
+they make a law it's a joke.
+ -- W. Rogers
+%
+With every passing hour our solar system comes forty-three thousand
+miles closer to globular cluster M13 in the constellation Hercules,
+and still there are some misfits who continue to insist that there
+is no such thing as progress.
+ -- Ransom K. Ferm
+%
+With her body, woman is more sincere than man; but with her mind
+she lies. And when she lies, she does not believe herself.
+ -- Tolstoy
+%
+With listening comes wisdom, with speaking repentance.
+%
+With reasonable men I will reason;
+with humane men I will plead;
+but to tyrants I will give no quarter.
+ -- William Lloyd Garrison
+%
+With the end of the football season, a star player for the college team
+celebrated the relaxation of team curfew by attending a late-night campus
+party. Soon after arriving, he became captivated by a beautiful coed and
+eased into a conversation with her by asking if she met many dates at
+parties.
+ "Oh, I have a three point eight, so I'm much more attracted to the
+strong academic types than to the dumb party animals," she said. "What's
+your G.P.A.?"
+ Grinning ear to ear, the jock boasted, "I get about twenty-five in
+the city and forty on the highway."
+%
+With the end of the football season, a star player on the college team was
+celebrating the relaxation of his curfew by attending a late-night campus
+party. Soon after arriving, he was captivated by a beautiful coed and
+eased into a conversation with her by asking if she met many dates at
+parties.
+ "Oh, I have a three point eight, so I'm much more attracted to the
+strong academic types than to the dumb party animals," she said. "What's
+you G.P.A.?"
+ Grinning from ear to ear, the jock boasted, "I get at least
+twenty-five in the city and forty on the highway!"
+%
+With women, I've got a long bamboo pole with a leather loop on the end of
+it. I slip the loop around their necks so they can't get away or come too
+close. Like catching snakes.
+ -- Marlon Brando
+%
+Within a computer, natural language is unnatural.
+%
+Within a month [in 1969] I had met the first of a small but not uninfluential
+community of people who violently opposed SALT for a simple reason: It might
+keep America from developing a first-strike capability against the Soviet
+Union. I'll never forget being lectured by an Air Force colonel about how
+we should have "nuked" the Soviets in late 1940s before they got The Bomb.
+I was told that if SALT would go away, we'd soon have the capability to nuke
+them again -- and this time we'd use it.
+ -- Roger Molander, former nuclear strategist for the
+ White House's National Security Council, Washington
+ Post, 21 March, 1982
+%
+Without adventure, civilization is in full decay.
+ -- Alfred North Whitehead
+%
+Without coffee he could not work, or at least he could not have worked in the
+way he did. In addition to paper and pens, he took with him everywhere as an
+indispensable article of equipment the coffee machine, which was no less
+important to him than his table or his white robe.
+ -- Stefan Zweigs, Biography of Balzac
+%
+Without fools there would be no wisdom.
+%
+Without ice cream life and fame are meaningless.
+%
+Without life, Biology itself would be impossible.
+%
+Without love intelligence is dangerous;
+without intelligence love is not enough.
+ -- Ashley Montagu
+%
+With/Without - and who'll deny it's what the fighting's all about?
+ -- Pink Floyd
+%
+Woke up this mornin' an' I had myself a beer,
+Yeah, Ah woke up this mornin' an' I had myself a beer
+The future's uncertain and the end is always near.
+ -- Jim Morrison, "Roadhouse Blues"
+%
+Woke up this morning, don't believe what I saw. Hundred billion
+bottles washed up on the shore. Seems I never noted being alone.
+Hundred billion castaways looking for a call.
+%
+WOLF:
+ A man who knows all the ankles.
+%
+WOMAN:
+ An animal usually living in the vicinity of Man, and
+ having a rudimentary susceptibility to domestication.
+ -- Bierce
+%
+Woman: "Is Yoo-Hoo hyphenated?"
+Yogi Berra: "No, ma'am, its not even carbonated."
+%
+Woman are like elephants to me: I like to look at them, but I wouldn't
+want to own one.
+ -- W.C. Fields
+%
+Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
+ -- Dumas
+%
+Woman is generally so bad that the difference
+between a good and a bad woman scarcely exists.
+ -- Tolstoy
+%
+Woman on Street: Sir, you are drunk; very, very drunk.
+Winston Churchill: Madame, you are ugly; very, very ugly.
+ I shall be sober in the morning.
+%
+Woman was God's second mistake.
+ -- Nietzsche
+%
+Woman was taken out of man -- not out of his head, to rule over him; nor
+out of his feet, to be trampled under by him; but out of his side, to be
+equal to him -- under his arm, that he might protect her, and near his heart
+that he might love her.
+ -- Henry
+%
+Woman would be more charming if one could
+fall into her arms without falling into her hands.
+ -- DeGourmont
+%
+Woman's advice has little value, but he who won't take it is a fool.
+ -- Cervantes
+%
+Women are a problem, but if you haven't already guessed,
+they're the kind of problem I enjoy wrestling with.
+ -- Warren Beatty
+%
+Women are all alike. When they're maids they're mild as milk:
+once make 'em wives, and they lean their backs against their
+marriage certificates, and defy you.
+ -- Jerrold
+%
+Women are always anxious to urge bachelors to matrimony; is it
+from charity, or revenge?
+ -- Gustave Vapereau
+%
+Women are just like men, only different.
+%
+Women are like elephants to me: I like to
+look at them, but I wouldn't want to own one.
+ -- W.C. Fields
+%
+Women are not much, but they are the best other sex we have.
+ -- Herold
+%
+Women are nothing but machines for producing children.
+ -- Napoleon
+%
+Women are wiser than men because they know less and understand more.
+ -- Stephens
+%
+Women aren't as mere as they used to be.
+ -- Pogo
+%
+Women can keep a secret just as well as men,
+but it takes more of them to do it.
+%
+Women complain about sex more than men. Their gripes fall into two
+categories: (1) Not enough and (2) Too much.
+ -- Ann Landers
+%
+Women, deceived by men, want to marry them; it is a kind of revenge
+as good as any other.
+ -- Philippe De Remi
+%
+Women give themselves to God when the
+Devil wants nothing more to do with them.
+ -- Arnould
+%
+Women give to men the very gold of their lives. Possibly;
+but they invariably want it back in such very small change.
+ -- Wilde
+%
+Women in love consist of a little sighing, a little
+crying, a little dying -- and a good deal of lying.
+ -- Ansey
+%
+Women of genius commonly have masculine faces, figures and manners.
+In transplanting brains to an alien soil God leaves a little of the
+original earth clinging to the roots.
+ -- Bierce
+%
+Women reason with the heart and are much less often wrong
+than men who reason with the head.
+ -- DeLescure
+%
+Women sometimes forgive a man who forces the opportunity,
+but never a man who misses one.
+ -- Charles De Talleyrand-Perigord
+%
+Women treat us just as humanity treats its gods. They worship
+us and are always bothering us to do something for them.
+ -- Wilde
+%
+Women want their men to be cops. They want you to punish them and tell
+them what the limits are. The only thing that women hate worse from a man
+than being slapped is when you get on your knees and say you're sorry.
+ -- Mort Sahl
+%
+Women waste men's lives and think they have
+indemnified them by a few gracious words.
+ -- Honore de Balzac
+%
+Women, when they are not in love, have all
+the cold blood of an experienced attorney.
+ -- Honore de Balzac
+%
+Women, when they have made a sheep of a man,
+always tell him that he is a lion with a will of iron.
+ -- Honore de Balzac
+%
+Women who desire to be like men, lack ambition.
+%
+Women who want to be equal to men lack imagination.
+%
+Women wish to be loved without a why or a wherefore;
+not because they are pretty, or good, or well-bred, or
+graceful, or intelligent, but because they are themselves.
+ -- Amiel
+%
+Women's Libbers are OK, I just wouldn't want my sister to marry one.
+%
+Women's virtue is man's greatest invention.
+ -- Cornelia Otis Skinner
+%
+Wonder is the feeling of a philosopher,
+and philosophy begins in wonder.
+ Socrates, quoting Plato
+%
+Wonderful day.
+Your hangover just makes it seem terrible.
+%
+Woodward's Law:
+ A theory is better than its explanation.
+%
+Woody: What's the story, Mr. Peterson?
+Norm: The Bobbsey twins go to the brewery.
+ Let's just cut to the happy ending.
+ -- Cheers, Airport V
+
+Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, there's a cold one waiting for you.
+Norm: I know, and if she calls, I'm not here.
+ -- Cheers, Bar Wars II: The Woodman Strikes Back
+
+Sam: Beer, Norm?
+Norm: Have I gotten that predictable? Good.
+ -- Cheers, Don't Paint Your Chickens
+%
+Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, Jack Frost nipping at your nose?
+Norm: Yep, now let's get Joe Beer nipping at my liver, huh?
+ -- Cheers, Feeble Attraction
+
+Sam: What are you up to Norm?
+Norm: My ideal weight if I were eleven feet tall.
+ -- Cheers, Bar Wars III: The Return of Tecumseh
+
+Woody: Nice cold beer coming up, Mr. Peterson.
+Norm: You mean, `Nice cold beer going *down* Mr. Peterson.'
+ -- Cheers, Loverboyd
+%
+Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, what do you say to a cold one?
+Norm: See you later, Vera, I'll be at Cheers.
+ -- Cheers, Norm's Last Hurrah
+
+Sam: Well, look at you. You look like the cat that
+ swallowed the canary.
+Norm: And I need a beer to wash him down.
+ -- Cheers, Norm's Last Hurrah
+
+Woody: Would you like a beer, Mr. Peterson?
+Norm: No, I'd like a dead cat in a glass.
+ -- Cheers, Little Carla, Happy at Last, Part 2
+%
+Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, what's up?
+Norm: The warranty on my liver.
+ -- Cheers, Breaking In Is Hard to Do
+
+Sam: What can I do for you, Norm?
+Norm: Open up those beer taps and, oh, take the day off, Sam.
+ -- Cheers, Veggie-Boyd
+
+Woody: What's going on, Mr. Peterson?
+Norm: Another layer for the winter, Wood.
+ -- Cheers, It's a Wonderful Wife
+%
+Woody: How are you feeling today, Mr. Peterson?
+Norm: Poor.
+Woody: Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.
+Norm: No, I meant `pour'.
+ -- Cheers, Strange Bedfellows, Part 3
+
+Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, what's the story?
+Norm: Boy meets beer. Boy drinks beer. Boy gets another beer.
+ -- Cheers, The Proposal
+
+Paul: Hey Norm, how's the world been treating you?
+Norm: Like a baby treats a diaper.
+ -- Cheers, Tan 'n Wash
+%
+Woody: What's going on, Mr. Peterson?
+Norm: Let's talk about what's going *in* Mr. Peterson. A beer, Woody.
+ -- Cheers, Paint Your Office
+
+Sam: How's life treating you?
+Norm: It's not, Sammy, but that doesn't mean you can't.
+ -- Cheers, A Kiss is Still a Kiss
+
+Woody: Can I pour you a draft, Mr. Peterson?
+Norm: A little early, isn't it Woody?
+Woody: For a beer?
+Norm: No, for stupid questions.
+ -- Cheers, Let Sleeping Drakes Lie
+%
+Woody: What's happening, Mr. Peterson?
+Norm: The question is, Woody, why is it happening to me?
+ -- Cheers, Strange Bedfellows, Part 1
+
+Woody: What's going down, Mr. Peterson?
+Norm: My cheeks on this barstool.
+ -- Cheers, Strange Bedfellows, Part 2
+
+Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, can I pour you a beer?
+Norm: Well, okay, Woody, but be sure to stop me at one. ...
+ Eh, make that one-thirty.
+ -- Cheers, Strange Bedfellows, Part 2
+%
+Woolsey-Swanson Rule:
+ People would rather live with a problem they cannot
+ solve rather than accept a solution they cannot understand.
+%
+Words are the voice of the heart.
+%
+Words can never express what words can never express.
+%
+Words have a longer life than deeds.
+ -- Pindar
+%
+Words must be weighed, not counted.
+%
+WORK:
+ The blessed respite from screaming kids and
+ soap operas for which you actually get paid.
+%
+Work consists of whatever a body is obliged to do.
+Play consists of whatever a body is not obliged to do.
+ -- Mark Twain
+%
+Work continues in this area.
+ -- DEC's SPR-Answering-Automaton
+%
+Work expands to fill the time available.
+ -- Cyril Northcote Parkinson, "The Economist", 1955
+%
+Work is of two kinds: first, altering the position of matter at or near
+the earth's surface relative to other matter; second, telling other people
+to do so.
+ -- Bertrand Russell
+%
+Work is the crab grass in the lawn of life.
+ -- Schulz
+%
+Work is the curse of the drinking classes.
+ -- Mike Romanoff
+%
+Work like hell, tell everyone everything you know, close a deal with
+a handshake, and have fun.
+ -- Harold "Doc" Edgerton, summing up his life's philosophy,
+ shortly before dying at the age of 86.
+%
+Work smarter, not harder, and be careful of your speling.
+%
+Work without a vision is slavery,
+Vision without work is a pipe dream,
+But vision with work is the hope of the world.
+%
+Working with Julie Andrews is like getting hit over the head with
+a valentine.
+ -- Christopher Plummer
+%
+World tensions have, if anything, increased in the quarter century
+since H.G. Wells uttered his glum warning: "There is no more evil
+thing on earth than race prejudice, none at all. I write deliberately
+-- it is the worst single thing in life now. It justifies and holds
+together more baseness, cruelty and abomination than any other sort of
+error in the world."
+ -- Sydney Harris
+%
+Worrying is like rocking in a rocking chair--
+It gives you something to do, but it doesn't get you anywhere.
+%
+Worst Month of 1981 for Downhill Skiing:
+ August. The lift lines are the shortest, though.
+ -- Steve Rubenstein
+%
+Worst Month of the Year:
+ February. February has only 28 days in it, which means that if
+ you rent an apartment, you are paying for three full days you
+ don't get. Try to avoid Februarys whenever possible.
+ -- Steve Rubenstein
+%
+Worst Vegetable of the Year:
+ Brussel sprout. This is also the worst vegetable of next year.
+ -- Steve Rubenstein
+%
+Worth seeing?
+Yes, but not worth going to see.
+%
+Worthless.
+ -- Sir George Bidell Airy, KCB, MA, LLD, DCL, FRS, FRAS
+ (Astronomer Royal of Great Britain), estimating for the
+ Chancellor of the Exchequer the potential value of the
+ "analytical engine" invented by Charles Babbage, September
+ 15, 1842.
+%
+WOTD:
+
+ `
+
+%
+Would it help if I got out and pushed?
+ -- Princess Leia Organa
+%
+Would that my hand were as swift as my tongue.
+ -- Alfieri
+%
+Would the last person to leave Michigan please turn out the lights?
+%
+Would ye both eat your cake and have your cake?
+ -- John Heywood
+%
+Would you care to drift aimlessly in my direction?
+%
+Would you care to view the ruins of my good intentions?
+%
+Would you like to be tried in court by people
+who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty?
+%
+Would you people stop playing these stupid games?!?!?!!!!
+%
+Would you please have another look at my nose and put in that cocaine
+stuff....
+ -- Adolf Hitler, quoted by Dr. Giesing in Nuremberg trial
+ testimony, 1947
+%
+Would you *really* want to get on a non-stop flight?
+ -- George Carlin
+%
+"Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?"
+"That depends a good deal on where you want to get to," said the Cat.
+ -- Lewis Carroll
+%
+Wouldn't this be a great world if being insecure and desperate were
+a turn-on?
+ -- "Broadcast News"
+%
+Wrinkles should merely indicate where smiles have been.
+ -- Mark Twain
+%
+Write a wise saying and your name will live forever.
+ -- Anonymous
+%
+Write yourself a threatening letter and pen a defiant reply.
+%
+WRITE-PROTECT TAB:
+ A small sticker created to cover the unsightly notch carelessly
+ left by disk manufacturers. The use of the tab creates an error
+ message once in a while, but its aesthetic value far outweighs
+ the momentary inconvenience.
+ -- Robb Russon
+%
+write-protect tab, n:
+ A small sticker created to cover the unsightly notch carelessly left
+ by disk manufacturers. The use of the tab creates an error message
+ once in a while, but its aesthetic value far outweighs the momentary
+ inconvenience.
+ -- Robb Russon
+%
+Writers who use a computer swear to its liberating power in tones that bear
+witness to the apocalyptic power of a new divinity. Their conviction results
+from something deeper than mere gratitude for the computer's conveniences.
+Every new medium of writing brings about new intensities of religious belief
+and new schisms among believers. In the 16th century the printed book helped
+make possible the split between Catholics and Protestants. In the 20th
+century this history of tragedy and triumph is repeating itself as a farce.
+Those who worship the Apple computer and those who put their faith in the IBM
+PC are equally convinced that the other camp is damned or deluded. Each cult
+holds in contempt the rituals and the laws of the other. Each thinks that it
+is itself the one hope for salvation.
+ -- Edward Mendelson, "The New Republic", February 22, 1988
+%
+Writing free verse is like playing tennis with the net down.
+%
+Writing is easy; all you do is sit staring at the blank sheet of
+paper until drops of blood form on your forehead.
+ -- Gene Fowler
+%
+Writing is turning one's worst moments into money.
+ -- J.P. Donleavy
+%
+Writing software is more fun than working.
+%
+WRONG!
+%
+WYSIWYG:
+ What You See Is What You Get.
+%
+X windows:
+ Accept any substitute.
+ If it's broke, don't fix it.
+ If it ain't broke, fix it.
+ Form follows malfunction.
+ The Cutting Edge of Obsolescence.
+ The trailing edge of software technology.
+ Armageddon never looked so good.
+ Japan's secret weapon.
+ You'll envy the dead.
+ Making the world safe for competing window systems.
+ Let it get in YOUR way.
+ The problem for your problem.
+ If it starts working, we'll fix it. Pronto.
+ It could be worse, but it'll take time.
+ Simplicity made complex.
+ The greatest productivity aid since typhoid.
+ Flakey and built to stay that way.
+
+One thousand monkeys. One thousand MicroVAXes. One thousand years.
+ X windows.
+%
+X windows:
+ It's not how slow you make it. It's how you make it slow.
+ The windowing system preferred by masochists 3 to 1.
+ Built to take on the world... and lose!
+ Don't try it 'til you've knocked it.
+ Power tools for Power Fools.
+ Putting new limits on productivity.
+ The closer you look, the cruftier we look.
+ Design by counterexample.
+ A new level of software disintegration.
+ No hardware is safe.
+ Do your time.
+ Rationalization, not realization.
+ Old-world software cruftsmanship at its finest.
+ Gratuitous incompatibility.
+ Your mother.
+ THE user interference management system.
+ You can't argue with failure.
+ You haven't died 'til you've used it.
+
+The environment of today... tomorrow!
+ X windows.
+%
+X windows:
+ Something you can be ashamed of.
+ 30%% more entropy than the leading window system.
+ The first fully modular software disaster.
+ Rome was destroyed in a day.
+ Warn your friends about it.
+ Climbing to new depths. Sinking to new heights.
+ An accident that couldn't wait to happen.
+ Don't wait for the movie.
+ Never use it after a big meal.
+ Need we say less?
+ Plumbing the depths of human incompetence.
+ It'll make your day.
+ Don't get frustrated without it.
+ Power tools for power losers.
+ A software disaster of Biblical proportions.
+ Never had it. Never will.
+ The software with no visible means of support.
+ More than just a generation behind.
+
+Hindenburg. Titanic. Edsel.
+ X windows.
+%
+X windows:
+ The ultimate bottleneck.
+ Flawed beyond belief.
+ The only thing you have to fear.
+ Somewhere between chaos and insanity.
+ On autopilot to oblivion.
+ The joke that kills.
+ A disgrace you can be proud of.
+ A mistake carried out to perfection.
+ Belongs more to the problem set than the solution set.
+ To err is X windows.
+ Ignorance is our most important resource.
+ Complex nonsolutions to simple nonproblems.
+ Built to fall apart.
+ Nullifying centuries of progress.
+ Falling to new depths of inefficiency.
+ The last thing you need.
+ The defacto substandard.
+
+Elevating brain damage to an art form.
+ X windows.
+%
+X windows:
+ We will dump no core before its time.
+ One good crash deserves another.
+ A bad idea whose time has come. And gone.
+ We make excuses.
+ It didn't even look good on paper.
+ You laugh now, but you'll be laughing harder later!
+ A new concept in abuser interfaces.
+ How can something get so bad, so quickly?
+ It could happen to you.
+ The art of incompetence.
+ You have nothing to lose but your lunch.
+ When uselessness just isn't enough.
+ More than a mere hindrance. It's a whole new barrier!
+ When you can't afford to be right.
+ And you thought we couldn't make it worse.
+
+If it works, it isn't X windows.
+%
+X windows:
+ You'd better sit down.
+ Don't laugh. It could be YOUR thesis project.
+ Why do it right when you can do it wrong?
+ Live the nightmare.
+ Our bugs run faster.
+ When it absolutely, positively HAS to crash overnight.
+ There ARE no rules.
+ You'll wish we were kidding.
+ Everything you never wanted in a window system. And more.
+ Dissatisfaction guaranteed.
+ There's got to be a better way.
+ The next best thing to keypunching.
+ Leave the thrashing to us.
+ We wrote the book on core dumps.
+ Even your dog won't like it.
+ More than enough rope.
+ Garbage at your fingertips.
+
+Incompatibility. Shoddiness. Uselessness.
+ X windows.
+%
+Xerox does it again and again and again and...
+%
+Xerox never comes up with anything original.
+%
+XEROX never does anything original.
+%
+XI:
+ If the Earth could be made to rotate twice as fast, managers would
+ get twice as much done. If the Earth could be made to rotate twenty
+ times as fast, everyone else would get twice as much done since all
+ the managers would fly off.
+XII:
+ It costs a lot to build bad products.
+XIII:
+ There are many highly successful businesses in the United States.
+ There are also many highly paid executives. The policy is not to
+ intermingle the two.
+XIV:
+ After the year 2015, there will be no airplane crashes. There will
+ be no takeoffs either, because electronics will occupy 100 percent
+ of every airplane's weight.
+XV:
+ The last 10 percent of performance generates one-third of the cost
+ and two-thirds of the problems.
+ -- Norman Augustine
+%
+XLI:
+ The more one produces, the less one gets.
+XLII:
+ Simple systems are not feasible because they require infinite testing.
+XLIII:
+ Hardware works best when it matters the least.
+XLIV:
+ Aircraft flight in the 21st century will always be in a westerly
+ direction, preferably supersonic, crossing time zones to provide the
+ additional hours needed to fix the broken electronics.
+XLV:
+ One should expect that the expected can be prevented, but the
+ unexpected should have been expected.
+XLVI:
+ A billion saved is a billion earned.
+ -- Norman Augustine
+%
+XLVII:
+ Two-thirds of the Earth's surface is covered with water. The other
+ third is covered with auditors from headquarters.
+XLVIII:
+ The more time you spend talking about what you have been doing, the
+ less time you have to spend doing what you have been talking about.
+ Eventually, you spend more and more time talking about less and less
+ until finally you spend all your time talking about nothing.
+XLIX:
+ Regulations grow at the same rate as weeds.
+L:
+ The average regulation has a life span one-fifth as long as a
+ chimpanzee's and one-tenth as long as a human's -- but four times
+ as long as the official's who created it.
+LI:
+ By the time of the United States Tricentennial, there will be more
+ government workers than there are workers.
+LII:
+ People working in the private sector should try to save money.
+ There remains the possibility that it may someday be valuable again.
+ -- Norman Augustine
+%
+X-rated movies are all alike -- the only thing
+they leave to the imagination is the plot.
+%
+XVI:
+ In the year 2054, the entire defense budget will purchase just one
+ aircraft. This aircraft will have to be shared by the Air Force and
+ Navy 3-1/2 days each per week except for leap year, when it will be
+ made available to the Marines for the extra day.
+XVII:
+ Software is like entropy. It is difficult to grasp, weighs nothing,
+ and obeys the Second Law of Thermodynamics, i.e., it always increases.
+XVIII:
+ It is very expensive to achieve high unreliability. It is not uncommon
+ to increase the cost of an item by a factor of ten for each factor of
+ ten degradation accomplished.
+XIX:
+ Although most products will soon be too costly to purchase, there will
+ be a thriving market in the sale of books on how to fix them.
+XX:
+ In any given year, Congress will appropriate the amount of funding
+ approved the prior year plus three-fourths of whatever change the
+ administration requests -- minus 4-percent tax.
+ -- Norman Augustine
+%
+XXI:
+ It's easy to get a loan unless you need it.
+XXII:
+ If stock market experts were so expert, they would be buying stock,
+ not selling advice.
+XXIII:
+ Any task can be completed in only one-third more time than is
+ currently estimated.
+XXIV:
+ The only thing more costly than stretching the schedule of an
+ established project is accelerating it, which is itself the most
+ costly action known to man.
+XXV:
+ A revised schedule is to business what a new season is to an athlete
+ or a new canvas to an artist.
+ -- Norman Augustine
+%
+XXVI:
+ If a sufficient number of management layers are superimposed on each
+ other, it can be assured that disaster is not left to chance.
+XXVII:
+ Rank does not intimidate hardware. Neither does the lack of rank.
+XXVIII:
+ It is better to be the reorganizer than the reorganizee.
+XXIX:
+ Executives who do not produce successful results hold on to their
+ jobs only about five years. Those who produce effective results
+ hang on about half a decade.
+XXX:
+ By the time the people asking the questions are ready for the answers,
+ the people doing the work have lost track of the questions.
+ -- Norman Augustine
+%
+XXXI:
+ The optimum committee has no members.
+XXXII:
+ Hiring consultants to conduct studies can be an excellent means of
+ turning problems into gold -- your problems into their gold.
+XXXIII:
+ Fools rush in where incumbents fear to tread.
+XXXIV:
+ The process of competitively selecting contractors to perform work
+ is based on a system of rewards and penalties, all distributed
+ randomly.
+XXXV:
+ The weaker the data available upon which to base one's conclusion,
+ the greater the precision which should be quoted in order to give
+ the data authenticity.
+ -- Norman Augustine
+%
+XXXVI:
+ The thickness of the proposal required to win a multimillion dollar
+ contract is about one millimeter per million dollars. If all the
+ proposals conforming to this standard were piled on top of each other
+ at the bottom of the Grand Canyon it would probably be a good idea.
+XXXVII:
+ Ninety percent of the time things will turn out worse than you expect.
+ The other 10 percent of the time you had no right to expect so much.
+XXXVIII:
+ The early bird gets the worm.
+ The early worm ... gets eaten.
+XXXIX:
+ Never promise to complete any project within six months of the end of
+ the year -- in either direction.
+XL:
+ Most projects start out slowly -- and then sort of taper off.
+ -- Norman Augustine
+%
+Ya know, Quaker Oats make you feel good twice!
+%
+Yacc owes much to a most stimulating collection of users, who have
+goaded me beyond my inclination, and frequently beyond my ability in
+their endless search for "one more feature". Their irritating
+unwillingness to learn how to do things my way has usually led to my
+doing things their way; most of the time, they have been right.
+ -- Stephen C. Johnson, "Yacc guide acknowledgements"
+%
+Ya'll hear about the geometer who went to the beach to catch some
+rays and became a tangent ?
+%
+Yawd [noun, Bostonese]: the campus of Have Id.
+ -- Webster's Unafraid Dictionary
+%
+Yea from the table of my memory
+I'll wipe away all trivial fond records.
+ -- Hamlet
+%
+Yeah, God is dead, he laughed himself to death.
+%
+Yeah, if it looks like a duck, and walks like
+a duck, and quacks like a duck -- shoot it.
+%
+Yeah, that's me, Tracer Bullet. I've got eight slugs in me. One's lead,
+the rest bourbon. The drink packs a wallop, and I pack a revolver. I'm
+a private eye.
+ -- Calvin
+%
+Yeah, there are more important things in life than money,
+but they won't go out with you if you don't have any.
+%
+YEAR:
+ A period of three hundred and sixty-five disappointments.
+%
+Year Name James Bond Book
+---- -------------------------------- -------------- ----
+50's James Bond TV Series Barry Nelson
+1962 Dr. No Sean Connery 1958
+1963 From Russia With Love Sean Connery 1957
+1964 Goldfinger Sean Connery 1959
+1965 Thunderball Sean Connery 1961
+1967* Casino Royale David Niven 1954
+1967 You Only Live Twice Sean Connery 1964
+1969 On Her Majesty's Secret Service George Lazenby 1963
+1971 Diamonds Are Forever Sean Connery 1956
+1973 Live And Let Die Roger Moore 1955
+1974 The Man With The Golden Gun Roger Moore 1965
+1977 The Spy Who Loved Me Roger Moore 1962 (novelette)
+1979 Moonraker Roger Moore 1955
+1981 For Your Eyes Only Roger Moore 1960 (novelette)
+1983 Octopussy Roger Moore 1965
+1983* Never Say Never Again Sean Connery
+1985 A View To A Kill Roger Moore 1960 (novelette)
+1987 The Living Daylights Timothy Dalton 1965 (novelette)
+ * -- Not a Broccoli production.
+%
+Yes, but every time I try to see things your way, I get a headache.
+%
+Yes, but which self do you want to be?
+%
+Yes, I've now got this nice little apartment in New York, one of those
+L-shaped ones. Unfortunately, it's a lower case l.
+ -- Rita Rudner
+%
+Yes me, I got a bottle in front of me.
+And Jimmy has a frontal lobotomy.
+Just different ways to kill the pain the same.
+But I'd rather have a bottle in front of me,
+Than to have to have a frontal lobotomy.
+I might be drunk but at least I'm not insane.
+ -- Randy Ansley M.D. (Dr. Rock)
+%
+Yes, that was Richard Nixon. He used to be President. When he left
+the White House, the Secret Service would count the silverware.
+ -- Woody Allen, "Sleeper"
+%
+Yes, we will be going to OSI, Mars and, Pluto, but not necessarily in
+that order.
+ -- Jeffrey Honig
+%
+Yesterday I was a dog. Today I'm a dog.
+Tomorrow I'll probably still be a dog.
+Sigh! There's so little hope for advancement.
+ -- Snoopy
+%
+Yesterday upon the stair
+I met a man who wasn't there.
+He wasn't there again today --
+I think he's from the CIA.
+%
+Ye've also got to remember that ... respectable people do the most
+astonishin' things to preserve their respectability. Thank God
+I'm not respectable.
+ -- Ruthven Campbell Todd
+%
+Yevtushenko has... an ego that can crack crystal at a distance of twenty
+feet.
+ -- John Cheever
+%
+Yield to temptation; it may not pass your way again.
+%
+YINKEL:
+ A person who combs his hair over his bald spot,
+ hoping no one will notice.
+ -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
+%
+You ain't learning nothing when you're talking.
+%
+You always have the option of pitching baseballs at empty
+spray paint cans in a cul-de-sac in a Cleveland suburb.
+%
+You are a bundle of energy, always on the go.
+%
+You are a fluke of the universe; you have no right to be here.
+%
+You are a taxi driver. Your cab is yellow and black, and has been in
+use for only seven years. One of its windshield wipers is broken, and
+the carburetor needs adjusting. The tank holds 20 gallons, but at the
+moment is only three-quarters full. How old is the taxi driver?"
+%
+You are a wish to be here wishing yourself.
+ -- Philip Whalen
+%
+You are absolute plate-glass. I see to the very back of your mind.
+ -- Sherlock Holmes
+%
+You are always busy.
+%
+You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.
+%
+You are an insult to my intelligence!
+I demand that you log off immediately.
+%
+You are as I am with You.
+%
+You are capable of planning your future.
+%
+You are confused; but this is your normal state.
+%
+You are deeply attached to your friends and acquaintances.
+%
+You are destined to become the commandant of the
+fighting men of the department of transportation.
+%
+You are dishonest, but never to the point of hurting a friend.
+%
+You are fairminded, just and loving.
+%
+You are false data.
+%
+You are farsighted, a good planner,
+an ardent lover, and a faithful friend.
+%
+You are fighting for survival in your own sweet and gentle way.
+%
+You are going to have a new love affair.
+%
+You are in a maze of little twisting passages, all alike.
+%
+You are in a maze of little twisting passages, all different.
+%
+You are in the hall of the mountain king.
+%
+You are lost in the Swamps of Despair.
+%
+You are loved by the multitudes.
+Have you been to the clinic lately?
+%
+You are magnetic in your bearing.
+%
+You are never given a wish without also being given the
+power to make it true. You may have to work for it, however.
+ -- R. Bach, "Messiah's Handbook : Reminders for
+ the Advanced Soul"
+%
+You are not a fool just because you have done
+something foolish -- only if the folly of it escapes you.
+%
+You are not dead yet.
+But watch for further reports.
+%
+You are not permitted to kill a woman who has wronged you, but nothing
+forbids you to reflect that she is growing older every minute. You are
+avenged fourteen hundred and forty times a day.
+ -- Ambrose Bierce
+%
+You are now in Atlanta, Georgia.
+Please set your clocks back 200 years.
+%
+You are number 6! Who is number one?
+%
+"You are old, father William," the young man said,
+ "And your hair has become very white;
+And yet you incessantly stand on your head --
+ Do you think, at your age, it is right?"
+
+"In my youth," father William replied to his son,
+ "I feared it might injure the brain;
+But, now that I'm perfectly sure I have none,
+ Why, I do it again and again."
+
+"You are old," said the youth, "as I mentioned before,
+ And have grown most uncommonly fat;
+Yet you turned a back-somersault in at the door --
+ Pray what is the reason of that?"
+
+"In my youth," said the sage, as he shook his grey locks,
+ "I kept all my limbs very supple
+By the use of this ointment -- one shilling the box --
+ Allow me to sell you a couple?"
+%
+"You are old," said the youth, "and your jaws are too weak
+ For anything tougher than suet;
+Yet you finished the goose, with the bones and the beak --
+ Pray, how did you manage to do it?"
+
+"In my youth," said his father, "I took to the law,
+ And argued each case with my wife;
+And the muscular strength which it gave to my jaw,
+ Has lasted the rest of my life."
+
+"You are old," said the youth, "one would hardly suppose
+ That your eye was as steady as ever;
+Yet you balanced an eel on the end of your nose --
+ What made you so awfully clever?"
+
+"I have answered three questions, and that is enough,"
+ Said his father. "Don't give yourself airs!
+Do you think I can listen all day to such stuff?
+ Be off, or I'll kick you down stairs!"
+%
+You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely.
+%
+You are scrupulously honest, frank, and straightforward.
+Therefore you have few friends.
+%
+You are sick, twisted and perverted.
+I like that in a person.
+%
+You are so boring that when I see you my feet go to sleep.
+%
+"You are *so* lovely."
+"Yes."
+"Yes! And you take a compliment, too! I like that in a goddess."
+%
+You are standing on my toes.
+%
+You are taking yourself far too seriously.
+%
+You are transported to a room where you are faced by a wizard who
+points to you and says, "Them's fighting words!" You immediately get
+attacked by all sorts of denizens of the museum: there is a cobra
+chewing on your leg, a troglodyte is bashing your brains out with a
+gold nugget, a crocodile is removing large chunks of flesh from you, a
+rhinoceros is goring you with his horn, a sabre-tooth cat is busy
+trying to disembowel you, you are being trampled by a large mammoth, a
+vampire is sucking you dry, a Tyranosaurus Rex is sinking his six inch
+long fangs into various parts of your anatomy, a large bear is
+dismembering your body, a gargoyle is bouncing up and down on your
+head, a burly troll is tearing you limb from limb, several dire wolves
+are making mince meat out of your torso, and the wizard is about to
+transport you to the corner of Westwood and Broxton. Oh dear, you seem
+to have gotten yourself killed, as well.
+
+You scored 0 out of 250 possible points.
+That gives you a ranking of junior beginning adventurer.
+To achieve the next higher rating, you need to score 32 more points.
+%
+You are wise, witty, and wonderful,
+but you spend too much time reading this sort of trash.
+%
+You ask what a nice girl will do?
+She won't give an inch, but she won't say no.
+ -- Marcus Valerius Martialis
+%
+You attempt things that you do not even plan
+because of your extreme stupidity.
+%
+You auto buy now.
+%
+"You boys lookin' for trouble?"
+"Sure. Whaddya got?"
+ -- Marlon Brando, "The Wild Ones"
+%
+You buttered your bread, now lie in it!
+%
+You buy a judge by weight, like iron in a junk yard. A justice of the
+peace or a magistrate can be had for a five-dollar bill. In the
+municipal courts, he will cost you ten. In the circuit or superior
+courts, he wants fifteen. The state appellate courts or the state
+supreme court is on a par with the Federal courts. By the time a judge
+reaches such courts, he is middle-aged, thick around the middle, fat
+between the ears. He's heavy. You can't buy a Federal judge for less
+than a twenty-dollar bill.
+ -- Jake "Greasy Thumb" Guzik
+%
+You can always pick up your needle and move to another groove.
+ -- Tim Leary
+%
+You can always tell luck from ability by its duration.
+%
+You can always tell the people that are forging the new frontier.
+They're the ones with arrows sticking out of their backs.
+%
+You can be replaced by this computer.
+%
+You can bear anything if it isn't your own fault.
+ -- Katharine Fullerton Gerould
+%
+You can bring any calculator you like to the midterm, as long as it
+doesn't dim the lights when you turn it on.
+ -- Hepler, CS, University of Washington
+%
+You can bring any calculator you like to the midterm, as long as it
+doesn't dim the lights when you turn it on.
+ -- Hepler, Systems Design 182
+%
+You can bring men from other parts of the world who are sane. And you
+know what happens? At the very moment they cross those mountains...
+they go mad. Instantaneously and automatically, at the very moment
+they cross the mountains into California, they go insane.
+ -- Quentin Genter
+%
+You can build a throne out of bayonets, but you can't sit on it for very long.
+ -- Boris Yeltsin
+%
+You can cage a swallow, can't you,
+ but you can't swallow a cage, can you?
+Girl, bathing on Bikini, eyeing boy,
+ finds boy eyeing bikini on bathing girl.
+A man, a plan, a canal -- Panama!
+ -- The Palindromist
+%
+You can create your own opportunities this week.
+Blackmail a senior executive.
+%
+You can destroy your now by worrying about tomorrow.
+ -- Janis Joplin
+%
+You can do this in a number of ways. IBM chose to do all of them.
+Why do you find that funny?
+ -- D. Taylor, Computer Science 350
+%
+You can do this in a number of ways. IBM chose to do all of them.
+Why do you find that funny?
+ -- D. Taylor, CS, University of Washington
+%
+You can do very well in speculation where
+land or anything to do with dirt is concerned.
+%
+You can drive a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.
+%
+You can fool all the people all of the time if the advertising is right
+and the budget is big enough.
+ -- Joseph E. Levine
+%
+You can fool some of the people all of the time and all
+of the people some of the time, but you can never fool your Mom.
+%
+You can fool some of the people all of the time,
+and all of the people some of the time,
+but you can make a fool of yourself anytime.
+%
+You can fool some of the people some of the time,
+and some of the people all of the time, and that is sufficient.
+%
+You can get *anywhere* in ten minutes if you drive fast enough.
+%
+You can get everything in life you want,
+if you will help enough other people get what they want.
+%
+You can get much further with a kind word and a
+gun than you can with a kind word alone.
+ -- Al Capone
+ [Also attributed to Johnny Carson. Ed.]
+%
+You can get there from here, but why on earth would you want to?
+%
+You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
+%
+You can grovel with a lover, you can grovel with a friend,
+You can grovel with your boss, and it never has to end.
+
+(chorus) Grovel, grovel, grovel, every night and every day,
+ Grovel, grovel, grovel, in your own peculiar way.
+
+You can grovel in a hallway, you can grovel in a park,
+You can grovel in an alley with a mugger after dark.
+(chorus)
+
+You can grovel with your uncle, you can grovel with your aunt,
+You can grovel with your Apple, even though you say you can't.
+(chorus)
+%
+You can have a dog as a friend. You can have whiskey as a friend. But
+if you have a woman as a friend, you're going to wind up drunk and kissing
+your dog.
+ -- foolin' around
+%
+You can have peace. Or you can have freedom.
+Don't ever count on having both at once.
+ -- Lazarus Long
+%
+You can imagine my embarrassment when I killed the wrong guy.
+ -- Joe Valachi
+%
+You can lead a horse to water, but if you can
+get him to float on his back, you've got something.
+%
+You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have,
+for instance.
+ -- Franklin P. Jones
+%
+You can make it illegal, but can't make it unpopular.
+%
+You can make it illegal, but you can't make it unpopular.
+%
+You can measure a programmer's perspective by noting
+his attitude on the continuing vitality of FORTRAN.
+%
+You can move the world with an idea,
+but you have to think of it first.
+%
+You can never do just one thing.
+ -- Hardin
+%
+You can never tell which way the train went by looking at the tracks.
+%
+You can never trust a woman; she may be true to you.
+%
+You can no more win a war than you can win an earthquake.
+ -- Jeannette Rankin
+%
+You can not get anything worthwhile done without raising a sweat.
+ -- The First Law Of Thermodynamics
+
+What ever you want is going to cost a little more than it is worth.
+ -- The Second Law Of Thermodynamics
+
+You can not win the game, and you are not allowed to stop playing.
+ -- The Third Law Of Thermodynamics
+%
+You can now buy more gates with less
+specifications than at any other time in history.
+ -- Kenneth Parker
+%
+You can observe a lot just by watching.
+ -- Yogi Berra
+%
+You can rent this space for only $5 a week.
+%
+You can take all the impact that science considerations have on funding
+decisions at NASA, put them in the navel of a flea, and have room left
+over for a caraway seed and Tony Calio's heart.
+ -- F. Allen
+%
+You can tell how far we have to go,
+when Fortran is the language of supercomputers.
+ -- Steven Feiner
+%
+You can tell the ideals of a nation by its advertisements.
+ -- Norman Douglas
+%
+You can write a small letter to Grandma in the filename.
+ -- Forbes Burkowski, CS, University of Washington
+%
+You canna change the laws of physics, Captain;
+I've got to have thirty minutes!
+%
+You cannot achieve the impossible without attempting the absurd.
+%
+You cannot choose your battlefield, the gods do that for you.
+But you can plant a standard where a standard never flew.
+ -- Nathalia Crane
+%
+You cannot have a science without measurement.
+ -- R. W. Hamming
+%
+You cannot kill time without injuring eternity.
+%
+You cannot propel yourself forward by patting yourself on the back.
+%
+You cannot see the wood for the trees.
+ -- John Heywood
+%
+You cannot shake hands with a clenched fist.
+ -- Indira Gandhi
+%
+You cannot use your friends and have them too.
+%
+You can't break eggs without making an omelet.
+%
+You can't carve your way to success without cutting remarks.
+%
+You can't cheat an honest man, never give
+a sucker an even break or smarten up a chump.
+ -- W.C. Fields
+%
+You can't cheat the phone company.
+%
+You can't cross a large chasm in two small jumps.
+%
+You can't depend on the man who made the mess to clean it up.
+ -- Richard Nixon, 1952
+%
+You can't erase a dream, you can only wake me up.
+ -- Peter Frampton
+%
+You can't expect a boy to be vicious till he's been to a good school.
+ -- H.H. Munro
+%
+"You can't expect a mother to be with a small child all the time",
+Margaret Mead once remarked, with her usual good sense, but in 1978
+she shocked feminists by snapping that women don't really have
+children to put them in day care twelve hours a day, either.
+ -- Caroline Bird, "The Two Paycheck Marriage"
+%
+You can't fall off the floor.
+%
+You can't get there from here.
+%
+You can't go home again, unless you set $HOME.
+%
+You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
+ -- Steven Wright
+%
+You can't have your cake and let your neighbor eat it too.
+ -- Ayn Rand
+%
+You can't hug a child with nuclear arms.
+%
+You can't judge a book by the way it wears its hair.
+%
+You can't kiss a girl unexpectedly --
+only sooner than she thought you would.
+%
+You can't learn too soon that the most useful thing about a principle
+is that it can always be sacrificed to expediency.
+ -- W. Somerset Maugham, "The Circle"
+%
+You can't mend a wristwatch while falling from an airplane.
+%
+You can't play your friends like marks, kid.
+ -- Henry Gondorf, "The Sting"
+%
+You can't push on a string.
+%
+You can't run away forever,
+But there's nothing wrong with getting a good head start.
+ -- Jim Steinman, "Rock and Roll Dreams Come Through"
+%
+You can't say civilization don't advance... in every war they kill you a
+new way.
+ -- Will Rogers
+%
+You can't start worrying about what's going to happen.
+You get spastic enough worrying about what's happening now.
+ -- Lauren Bacall
+%
+You can't take damsel here now.
+%
+You can't take it with you --
+especially when crossing a state line.
+%
+You can't teach people to be lazy --
+either they have it, or they don't.
+ -- Dagwood Bumstead
+%
+You can't underestimate the power of fear.
+ -- Tricia Nixon Cox
+%
+You climb to reach the summit, but once
+there, discover that all roads lead down.
+ -- Stanislaw Lem, "The Cyberiad"
+%
+You could get a new lease on life -- if only you
+didn't need the first and last month in advance.
+%
+You could live a better life, if you
+had a better mind and a better body.
+%
+You couldn't even prove the White House
+staff sane beyond a reasonable doubt.
+ -- Ed Meese, on the Hinckley verdict
+%
+You definitely intend to start living sometime soon.
+%
+You dialed 5483.
+%
+You display the wonderful traits of charm and courtesy.
+%
+You do not have mail.
+%
+You don't become a failure until you're satisfied with being one.
+%
+You don't have to be nice to people on the way up
+if you're not planning on coming back down.
+ -- Oliver Warbucks, "Annie"
+%
+You don't have to explain something you never said.
+ -- Calvin Coolidge
+%
+You don't have to know how the computer
+works, just how to work the computer.
+%
+You don't have to think too hard when you talk to teachers.
+ -- J.D. Salinger
+%
+You don't move to Edina, you achieve Edina.
+ -- Guindon
+%
+You don't sew with a fork, so I see no
+reason to eat with knitting needles.
+ -- Miss Piggy, on eating Chinese Food
+%
+You enjoy the company of other people.
+%
+You feel a whole lot more like you do
+now than you did when you used to.
+%
+You fill a much-needed gap.
+%
+You first parent of the human race... who ruined yourself for an apple,
+what might you have done for a truffled turkey?
+ -- Brillat-savarin, "Physiologie du Gout"
+%
+You first parents of the human race... who ruined yourself for
+an apple, what might you not have done for a truffled turkey?
+ -- Brillat-Savarin
+%
+You get along very well with everyone except animals and people.
+%
+You get what you pay for.
+ -- Gabriel Biel
+%
+You give me space to belong to myself yet without separating me
+from your own life. May it all turn out to your happiness.
+ -- Goethe
+%
+You go down to the pickup station,
+ craving warmth and beauty;
+You settle for less than fascination --
+ a few drinks later you're not so choosy.
+And the closing lights strip off the shadows
+ on this strange new flesh you've found --
+Clutching the night to you like a fig leaf
+ you hurry to the blackness
+ and the blankets to lay down an impression
+ and your loneliness.
+ -- Joni Mitchell
+%
+You got to be very careful if you don't know
+where you're going, because you might not get there.
+ -- Yogi Berra
+%
+You got to pay your dues if you want to sing the blues,
+And you know it don't come easy ...
+I don't ask for much, I only want trust,
+And you know it don't come easy ...
+%
+You guys have been practicing discrimination for years.
+Now it's our turn.
+ -- Thurgood Marshall, quoted by Justice Douglas
+%
+You had mail, but the super-user read it, and deleted it!
+%
+You had mail.
+Paul read it, so ask him what it said.
+%
+You had some happiness once,
+but your parents moved away, and you had to leave it behind.
+%
+You have a deep appreciation of the arts and music.
+%
+You have a deep interest in all that is artistic.
+%
+You have a massage (from the Swedish prime minister).
+%
+You have a message from the operator.
+%
+You have a reputation for being thoroughly reliable and trustworthy.
+A pity that it's totally undeserved.
+%
+You have a strong appeal for members of the opposite sex.
+%
+You have a strong appeal for members of your own sex.
+%
+You have a strong desire for a home
+and your family interests come first.
+%
+You have a tendency to feel you are superior to most computers.
+%
+You have a truly strong individuality.
+%
+You have a will that can be influenced
+by all with whom you come in contact.
+%
+You have all eternity to be cautious in when you're dead.
+ -- Lois Platford
+%
+You have all the characteristics of a popular politician:
+a horrible voice, bad breeding, and a vulgar manner.
+ -- Aristophanes
+%
+You have an ability to sense and know higher truth.
+%
+You have an ambitious nature and may make a name for yourself.
+%
+You have an unusual equipment for success.
+Be sure to use it properly.
+%
+You have an unusual understanding of
+the problems of human relationships.
+%
+You have been in Afghanistan, I perceive.
+ -- Sherlock Holmes, "A Study in Scarlet"
+%
+You have been selected for a secret mission.
+%
+You have Egyptian flu: you're going to be a mummy.
+%
+You have had a long-term stimulation relative to business.
+%
+You have literary talent that you should take pains to develop.
+%
+You have mail.
+%
+You have many friends and very few living enemies.
+%
+You have no real enemies.
+%
+You have not converted a man because you have silenced him.
+ -- John Viscount Morley
+%
+You have only to mumble a few words in church to get married
+and few words in your sleep to get divorced.
+%
+You have taken yourself too seriously.
+%
+You have the capacity to learn from mistakes.
+You'll learn a lot today.
+%
+You have the power to influence all with whom you come in contact.
+%
+You have to run as fast as you can just to stay where you are.
+If you want to get anywhere, you'll have to run much faster.
+ -- Lewis Carroll
+%
+You humans are all alike.
+%
+You just know when a relationship is about to end. My girlfriend called me
+at work and asked me how you change a lightbulb in the bathroom. "It's very
+simple," I said. "You start by filling up the bathtub with water..."
+%
+You just wait, I'll sin till I blow up!
+ -- Dylan Thomas
+%
+You k'n hide de fier, but w'at you gwine do wid de smoke?
+ -- Joel Chandler Harris, proverbs of Uncle Remus
+%
+You knew the job was dangerous when you took it, Fred.
+ -- Superchicken
+%
+You know, Callahan's is a peaceable bar, but if
+you ask that dog what his favorite formatter is,
+and he says "roff! roff!", well, I'll just have to...
+%
+You know how to win a victory, Hannibal, but not how to use it.
+ -- Maharbal
+%
+You know it's going to be a long day when you get up, shave and shower,
+start to get dressed and your shoes are still warm.
+ -- Dean Webber
+%
+You know it's Monday when you wake up and it's Tuesday.
+ -- Garfield
+%
+You know my heart keeps tellin' me,
+You're not a kid at thirty-three,
+You play around you lose your wife,
+You play too long, you lose your life.
+Some gotta win, some gotta lose,
+Goodtime Charlie's got the blues.
+%
+You know, of course, that the Tasmanians, who never committed adultery,
+are now extinct.
+ -- M. Somerset Maugham
+%
+You know that feeling you get when you are tipping your chair back and you
+almost go crashing back on the floor but you just catch yourself? I feel
+like that all the time.
+ -- Stephen Wright
+%
+You know, the difference between this company and
+the Titanic is that the Titanic had paying customers.
+%
+You know very well that whether you are on page one or page thirty depends
+on whether [the press] fear you. It is just as simple as that.
+ -- Richard Nixon
+%
+You know what I wish? I wish all the scum of the Earth had one throat
+and I had my hands about it.
+ -- Rorschach, "Watchmen"
+%
+You know what they say -- the sweetest word in the English language
+is revenge.
+ -- Peter Beard
+%
+You know what we can be like: See a guy and think he's cute one minute, the
+next minute our brains have us married with kids, the following minute we see
+him having an extramarital affair. By the time someone says "I'd like you to
+meet Cecil," we shout, "You're late again with the child support!"
+ -- Cynthia Heimel, "A Girl's Guide to Chaos"
+%%
+I don't have any use for bodyguards, but I do have a specific use for two
+highly trained certified public accountants.
+ -- Elvis Presley
+%
+You know you are getting old when you think you should drive the speed limit.
+ -- E.A. Gilliam
+%
+You know your apartment is small...
+ when you can't know its position and velocity at the same time.
+ you put your key in the lock and it breaks the window.
+ you have to go outside to change your mind.
+ you can vacuum the entire place using a single electrical outlet.
+%
+You know you're getting old when you're Dad, and you're measuring your
+daughter for camp clothes, and there are certain measurements only her
+mother is allowed to take.
+%
+You know you're in a small town when...
+ You don't use turn signals because everybody knows where you're going.
+ You're born on June 13 and your family receives gifts from the local
+ merchants because you're the first baby of the year.
+ Everyone knows whose credit is good, and whose wife isn't.
+ You speak to each dog you pass, by name... and he wags his tail.
+ You dial the wrong number, and talk for 15 minutes anyway.
+ You write a check on the wrong bank and it covers you anyway.
+%
+You know you're in trouble when...
+1) You wake up face down on the pavement.
+2) Your wife wakes up feeling amorous and you have a headache.
+3) You turn on the news and they're showing emergency routes
+ out of the city.
+4) Your twin sister forgot your birthday.
+5) You wake up and discover your waterbed broke and then
+ remember that you don't have a waterbed.
+6) Your doctor tells you you're allergic to chocolate.
+%
+You know you're in trouble when...
+1) Your car horn goes off accidentally and remains stuck as you
+ follow a group of Hell's Angels on the freeway.
+2) You want to put on the clothes you wore home from the party
+ and there aren't any.
+3) Your boss tells you not to bother to take off your coat.
+4) The bird singing outside your window is a buzzard.
+5) You wake up and your braces are locked together.
+6) Your mother approves of the person you're dating.
+%
+You know you're in trouble when...
+(1) Your only son tells you he wishes Anita Bryant would mind
+ her own business.
+(2) You put your bra on backwards and it fits better.
+(3) You call Suicide Prevention and they put you on hold.
+(4) You see a `60 Minutes' news team waiting in your office.
+(5) Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.
+(6) Your 4-year old reveals that it's "almost impossible" to
+ flush a grapefruit down the toilet.
+(7) You realize that you've memorized the back of the cereal box.
+%
+You know you're in trouble when...
+(1) You've been at work for an hour before you notice that your
+ skirt is caught in your pantyhose.
+(2) Your blind date turns out to be your ex-wife.
+(3) Your income tax check bounces.
+(4) You put both contact lenses in the same eye.
+(5) Your wife says, "Good morning, Bill" and your name is George.
+(6) You wake up to the soothing sound of flowing water... the day
+ after you bought a waterbed.
+(7) You go on your honeymoon to a remote little hotel and the desk
+ clerk, bell hop, and manager have a "Welcome Back" party
+ for your spouse.
+%
+You know you've been sitting in front of your Lisp machine too long
+when you go out to the junk food machine and start wondering how to
+make it give you the CADR of Item H so you can get that yummie
+chocolate cupcake that's stuck behind the disgusting vanilla one.
+%
+You know you've landed gear-up when it takes full power to taxi.
+%
+You learn to write as if to someone else
+because NEXT YEAR YOU WILL BE "SOMEONE ELSE".
+%
+You like to form new friendships and make new acquaintances.
+%
+You lived with a man who wore white belts?
+Laura, I'm disappointed in you.
+ -- Remington Steele
+%
+You look tired.
+%
+You love peace.
+%
+You love your home and want it to be beautiful.
+%
+You may already be a loser.
+ -- Form letter received by Rodney Dangerfield.
+%
+You may be gone tomorrow, but that
+doesn't mean that you weren't here today.
+%
+You may be infinitely smaller than some things,
+but you're infinitely larger than others.
+%
+You may be recognized soon. Hide.
+%
+You may be right, I may be crazy,
+But maybe it's a lunatic you're looking for?
+ -- Billy Joel
+%
+You may carve it on his tombstone, you may cut it on his card
+That a young man married is a young man marred.
+ -- Rudyard Kipling, "The Story of the Gadsbys"
+%
+You may get an opportunity for advancement today. Watch it!
+%
+You may have heard that a dean is
+to faculty as a hydrant is to a dog.
+ -- Alfred Kahn
+%
+You may my glories and my state dispose,
+But not my griefs; still am I king of those.
+ -- William Shakespeare, "Richard II"
+%
+You may not be able to judge a book by its cover, but
+you sure as hell can tell how much it's going to cost.
+%
+You may worry about your hair-do today, but tomorrow much peanut butter will
+be sold.
+%
+You mean you didn't *know* she was off
+making lots of little phone companies?
+%
+You mentioned your name as if I should recognize it, but beyond the
+obvious facts that you are a bachelor, a solicitor, a freemason, and
+an asthmatic, I know nothing whatever about you.
+ -- Sherlock Holmes, "The Norwood Builder"
+%
+You might have mail.
+%
+You must dine in our cafeteria.
+You can eat dirt cheap there!!!!
+%
+You must include all income you receive in the form of money, property
+and services if it is not specifically exempt. Report property (goods)
+and services at their fair market values. Examples include income from
+bartering or swapping transactions, side commissions, kickbacks, rent
+paid in services, illegal activities (such as stealing, drugs, etc.),
+cash skimming by proprietors and tradesmen, "moonlighting" services,
+gambling, prizes and awards. Not reporting such income can lead to
+prosecution for perjury and fraud.
+ -- Excerpt from Taxachussettes income tax forms
+%
+You must know that a man can have only one invulnerable loyalty, loyalty
+to his own concept of the obligations of manhood. All other loyalties
+are merely deputies of that one.
+ -- Nero Wolfe
+%
+You must realize that the computer has it in for you. The irrefutable
+proof of this is that the computer always does what you tell it to do.
+%
+You need more time; and you probably always will.
+%
+You need no longer worry about the future.
+This time tomorrow you'll be dead.
+%
+You need not worry about your future.
+%
+You never gain something but that you lose something.
+ -- Thoreau
+%
+You never get a second chance to make a first impression.
+%
+You never go anywhere without your soul.
+%
+You never have to change anything you
+got up in the middle of the night to write.
+ -- Saul Bellow
+%
+You never have to figure out what to get for children, because they will
+tell you exactly what they want. They spend months and months researching
+these kinds of things by watching Saturday- morning cartoon-show
+advertisements. Make sure you get your children exactly what they ask for,
+even if you disapprove of their choices. If your child thinks he wants
+Murderous Bob, the Doll with the Face You Can Rip Right Off, you'd better
+get it. You may be worried that it might help to encourage your child's
+antisocial tendencies, but believe me, you have not seen antisocial tendencies
+until you've seen a child who is convinced that he or she did not get the
+right gift.
+ -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"
+%
+You never hesitate to tackle the most difficult problems.
+%
+You never know what is enough until you know what is more than enough.
+ -- William Blake
+%
+You never learned anything by doing it right.
+%
+You never realize how many friends you
+have until you rent a house at the beach.
+%
+You notice that after Ginzburg admitted he had tried marijuana everyone
+got in line to admit it, too. But you also notice they all said they
+"experimented" with marijuana. The didn't "use" it; they "experimented"
+with it. Let me tell you something -- Jonas Salk "experiments"; these
+guys were getting stoned!
+ -- Johnny Carson
+%
+You now have Asian Flu.
+%
+You own a dog, but you can only feed a cat.
+%
+You plan things that you do not even
+attempt because of your extreme caution.
+%
+You possess a mind not merely twisted, but actually sprained.
+%
+You prefer the company of the opposite
+sex, but are well liked by your own.
+%
+You probably wouldn't worry about what people
+think of you if you could know how seldom they do.
+ -- Olin Miller
+%
+You recoil from the crude; you tend naturally toward the exquisite.
+%
+You roll my log, and I will roll yours.
+ -- Lucius Annaeus Seneca
+%
+You say potatoe,
+And I say potato.
+You say tomatoe,
+And I say tomato.
+Potatoe, potato,
+Tomatoe, tomato.
+Let's go be the Vice President...
+%
+You scratch my tape, and I'll scratch yours.
+%
+You see, I consider that a man's brain originally is like a little empty
+attic, and you have to stock it with such furniture as you choose. A fool
+takes in all the lumber of every sort he comes across, so that the knowledge
+which might be useful to him gets crowded out, or at best is jumbled up with
+alot of other things, so that he has difficulty in laying his hands upon it.
+Now the skillful workman is very careful indeed as to what he takes into his
+brain-attic. He will have nothing but the tools which may help him in doing
+his work, but of these he has a large assortment, and all in the most perfect
+order. It is a mistake to think that that little room has elastic walls and
+can distend to any extent. Depend upon it there comes a time when for every
+addition of knowledge you forget something that you knew before. It is of
+the highest importance, therefore, not to have useless facts elbowing out
+the useful ones.
+ -- Sherlock Holmes
+%
+You see things; and you say "Why?"
+But I dream things that never were; and I say "Why not?"
+ -- George Bernard Shaw, "Back to Methuselah"
+ [No, it wasn't J.F. Kennedy. Ed.]
+%
+You see, wire telegraph is a kind of a very, very long cat. You pull
+his tail in New York and his head is meowing in Los Angeles. Do you
+understand this? And radio operates exactly the same way: you send
+signals here, they receive them there. The only difference is that
+there is no cat.
+ -- Albert Einstein, when asked to describe radio
+%
+You seek to shield those you love
+and you like the role of the provider.
+%
+You shall be rewarded for a dastardly deed.
+%
+You shall judge of a man by his foes as well as by his friends.
+ -- Joseph Conrad
+%
+You should avoid hedging, at least that's what I think.
+%
+You should go home.
+%
+You should make a point of trying every experience once -- except
+incest and folk-dancing.
+ -- A. Bax, "Farewell My Youth"
+%
+You should never bet against anything in science at
+odds of more than about ten to the twelfth to one.
+ -- E. Rutherford
+%
+You should never ride in an airplane with a sports team,
+because if the plane goes down, it's you they're gonna eat!
+ -- Gordon Downie, singer for Tragically Hip
+%
+You should never wear your best trousers
+when you go out to fight for freedom and liberty.
+ -- Henrik Ibsen
+%
+You shouldn't have to pay for your love with your bones and your flesh.
+ -- Pat Benatar, "Hell is for Children"
+%
+You shouldn't wallow in self-pity. But it's OK to put
+your feet in it and swish them around a little.
+ -- Guindon
+%
+You single-handedly fought your way into this hopeless mess.
+%
+You teach best what you most need to learn.
+%
+YOU TOO CAN MAKE BIG MONEY IN THE EXCITING FIELD OF PAPER SHUFFLING!
+
+Mr. Smith of Muddle, Mass. says: "Before I took this course I used to be
+a lowly bit twiddler. Now with what I learned at MIT Tech I feel really
+important and can obfuscate and confuse with the best."
+
+Mr. Watkins had this to say: "Ten short days ago all I could look forward
+to was a dead-end job as a engineer. Now I have a promising future and
+make really big Zorkmids."
+
+MIT Tech can't promise these fantastic results to everyone, but when
+you earn your MDL degree from MIT Tech your future will be brighter.
+
+ SEND FOR OUR FREE BROCHURE TODAY!
+%
+You tread upon my patience.
+ -- William Shakespeare, "Henry IV"
+%
+You two ought to be more careful--
+your love could drag on for years and years.
+%
+You want to know why I kept getting promoted?
+Because my mouth knows more than my brain.
+ -- W.G.
+%
+You will always find something in the last place you look.
+%
+You will always get the greatest recognition for the job you least like.
+%
+You will always have good luck in your personal affairs.
+%
+You will attract cultured and artistic people to your home.
+%
+You will be a winner today. Pick a fight with a four-year-old.
+%
+You will be advanced socially,
+without any special effort on your part.
+%
+You will be aided greatly by a person
+whom you thought to be unimportant.
+%
+You will be audited by the Internal Revenue Service.
+%
+You will be awarded a medal for disregarding safety in saving someone.
+%
+You will be awarded some great honor.
+%
+You will be awarded the Nobel Peace Prize... posthumously.
+%
+You will be called upon to help a friend in trouble.
+%
+You will be dead within a year.
+%
+You will be divorced within a year.
+%
+You will be given a post of trust and responsibility.
+%
+You will be held hostage by a radical group.
+%
+You will be honored for contributing
+your time and skill to a worthy cause.
+%
+You will be imprisoned for contributing
+your time and skill to a bank robbery.
+%
+You will be married within a year.
+%
+You will be married within a year, and divorced within two.
+%
+You will be misunderstood by everyone.
+%
+You will be recognized and honored as a community leader.
+%
+You will be reincarnated as a toad; and you will be much happier.
+%
+You will be run over by a beer truck.
+%
+You will be run over by a bus.
+%
+You will be singled out for promotion in your work.
+%
+You will be successful in love.
+%
+You will be surprised by a loud noise.
+%
+You will be surrounded by luxury.
+%
+You will be the last person to buy a Chrysler.
+%
+You will be the victim of a bizarre joke.
+%
+You will be Told about it Tomorrow. Go Home and Prepare Thyself.
+%
+You will be traveling and coming into a fortune.
+%
+You will be winged by an anti-aircraft battery.
+%
+You will become rich and famous unless you don't.
+%
+You will contract a rare disease.
+%
+You will engage in a profitable business activity.
+%
+You will experience a strong urge to do good; but it will pass.
+%
+You will feel hungry again in another hour.
+%
+You will find me drinking gin
+In the lowest kind of inn,
+Because I am a rigid Vegetarian.
+ -- G.K. Chesterton
+%
+You will forget that you ever knew me.
+%
+You will gain money by a fattening action.
+%
+You will gain money by a speculation or lottery.
+%
+You will gain money by an illegal action.
+%
+You will gain money by an immoral action.
+%
+You will get what you deserve.
+%
+You will give someone a piece of your mind, which you can ill afford.
+%
+You will have a head crash on your private pack.
+%
+You will have a long and boring life.
+%
+You will have a long and unpleasant discussion with your supervisor.
+%
+You will have domestic happiness and faithful friends.
+%
+You will have good luck and overcome many hardships.
+%
+You will have long and healthy life.
+%
+You will have many recoverable tape errors.
+%
+You will hear good news from one you thought unfriendly to you.
+%
+You will inherit millions of dollars.
+%
+You will inherit some money or a small piece of land.
+%
+You will live a long, healthy, happy life and make bags of money.
+%
+You will live to see your grandchildren.
+%
+You will lose an important disk file.
+%
+You will lose an important tape file.
+%
+You will meet an important person who will help you advance professionally.
+%
+You will never amount to much.
+ -- Munich Schoolmaster, to Albert Einstein, age 10
+%
+You will never know hunger.
+%
+You will not be elected to public office this year.
+%
+You will obey or molten silver will be poured into your ears.
+%
+You will outgrow your usefulness.
+%
+You will overcome the attacks of jealous associates.
+%
+You will pass away very quickly.
+%
+You will pay for your sins.
+If you have already paid, please disregard this message.
+%
+You will pioneer the first Martian colony.
+%
+You will probably marry after a very brief courtship.
+%
+You will reach the highest possible point in your business or profession.
+%
+You will receive a legacy which will place you above want.
+%
+You will remember something that you should not have forgotten.
+%
+You will remember, Watson, how the dreadful business of the Abernetty
+family was first brought to my notice by the |depth which the parsley
+had sunk into the butter upon a hot day.
+ -- Sherlock Holmes
+%
+You will soon forget this.
+%
+You will soon meet a person who will play an important role in your life.
+%
+You will step on the night soil of many countries.
+%
+You will stop at nothing to reach your objective,
+but only because your brakes are defective.
+%
+You will triumph over your enemy.
+%
+You will visit the Dung Pits of Glive soon.
+%
+You will win success in whatever calling you adopt.
+%
+You will wish you hadn't.
+%
+You won't skid if you stay in a rut.
+ -- Frank Hubbard
+%
+You work very hard. Don't try to think as well.
+%
+You worry too much about your job.
+Stop it. You are not paid enough to worry.
+%
+"You would do well not to imagine profundity," he said. "Anything that seems
+of momentous occasion should be dwelt upon as though it were of slight note.
+Conversely, trivialities must be attended to with the greatest of care.
+Because death is momentous, give it no thought; because victory is important,
+give it no thought; because the method of achievement and discovery is less
+momentous than the effect, dwell always upon the method. You will strengthen
+yourself in this way."
+ -- Jessica Salmonson, "The Swordswoman"
+%
+You would if you could but you can't so you won't.
+%
+You'd best be snoozin', 'cause you don't
+be gettin' no work done at 5 a.m. anyway.
+ -- From the wall of the Wurster Hall stairwell
+%
+You'd better smile when they watch you, smile like you're in control.
+ -- Smile, "Was (Not Was)"
+%
+You'd like to do it instantaneously, but that's too slow.
+%
+You'll always be,
+What you always were,
+Which has nothing to do with,
+All to do, with her.
+ -- Company
+%
+You'll be called to a post requiring
+ability in handling groups of people.
+%
+You'll be sorry...
+%
+You'll feel devilish tonight.
+Toss dynamite caps under a flamenco dancer's heel.
+%
+You'll feel much better once you've given up hope.
+%
+You'll never be the man your mother was!
+%
+You'll never see all the places, or read all the
+books, but fortunately, they're not all recommended.
+%
+You'll wish that you had done some of the
+hard things when they were easier to do.
+%
+Young men are fitter to invent than to judge; fitter for execution than for
+counsel; and fitter for new projects than for settled business. For the
+experience of age, in things that fall within the compass of it, directeth
+them; but in new things, abuseth them. The errors of young men are the ruin
+of business; but the errors of aged men amount but to this, that more might
+have been done, or sooner. Young men, in the conduct and management of
+actions, embrace more than they can hold; stir more than they can quiet; fly
+to the end, without consideration of the means and degrees; pursue some few
+principles which they have chanced upon absurdly; care not how they innovate,
+which draws unknown inconveniences; and, that which doubleth all errors, will
+not acknowledge or retract them; like an unready horse, that will neither stop
+nor turn. Men of age object too much, consult too long, adventure too little,
+repent too soon, and seldom drive business home to the full period, but
+content themselves with a mediocrity of success. Certainly, it is good to
+compound employments of both ... because the virtues of either age may correct
+the defects of both.
+ -- Francis Bacon, "Essay on Youth and Age"
+%
+Young men, hear an old man to whom
+old men hearkened when he was young.
+ -- Augustus Caesar
+%
+Young men think old men are fools;
+but old men know young men are fools.
+ -- George Chapman
+%
+Your aim is high and to the right.
+%
+Your aims are high, and you are capable of much.
+%
+Your analyst has you mixed up with another patient.
+Don't believe a thing he tells you.
+%
+Your best consolation is the hope that the things
+you failed to get weren't really worth having.
+%
+Your boss climbed the corporate ladder, wrong by wrong.
+%
+Your boss is a few sandwiches short of a picnic.
+%
+Your boyfriend takes chocolate from strangers.
+%
+Your business will assume vast proportions.
+%
+Your business will go through a period of considerable expansion.
+%
+Your code should be more efficient!
+%
+Your computer account is overdrawn. Please reauthorize.
+%
+Your computer account is overdrawn. Please see Big Brother.
+%
+Your Co-worker Could Be a Space Alien, Say Experts
+ ...Here's How You Can Tell
+Many Americans work side by side with space aliens who look human -- but you
+can spot these visitors by looking for certain tip-offs, say experts. They
+listed 10 signs to watch for:
+ #3. Bizarre sense of humor. Space aliens who don't understand
+ earthly humor may laugh during a company training film or tell
+ jokes that no one understands, said Steiger.
+ #6. Misuses everyday items. "A space alien may use correction
+ fluid to paint its nails," said Steiger.
+ #8. Secretive about personal life-style and home. "An alien won't
+ discuss details or talk about what it does at night or on weekends."
+ #10. Displays a change of mood or physical reaction when near certain
+ high-tech hardware. "An alien may experience a mood change when
+ a microwave oven is turned on," said Steiger.
+The experts pointed out that a co-worker would have to display most if not
+all of these traits before you can positively identify him as a space alien.
+ -- National Enquirer, Michael Cassels, August, 1984.
+
+ [I thought everybody laughed at company training films. Ed.]
+%
+Your depth of comprehension may tend to make you lax in worldly ways.
+%
+Your digestive system is your body's Fun House, whereby food goes on a long,
+dark, scary ride, taking all kinds of unexpected twists and turns, being
+attacked by vicious secretions along the way, and not knowing until the last
+minute whether it will be turned into a useful body part or ejected into the
+Dark Hole by Mister Sphincter. We Americans live in a nation where the
+medical-care system is second to none in the world, unless you count maybe
+25 or 30 little scuzzball countries like Scotland that we could vaporize in
+seconds if we felt like it.
+ -- Dave Barry, "Stay Fit & Healthy Until You're Dead"
+%
+Your domestic life may be harmonious.
+%
+Your education begins where what is called your education is over.
+%
+Your fault - core dumped
+%
+Your files are now being encrypted and thrown into the bit bucket.
+EOF
+%
+Your fly might be open (but don't check it just now).
+%
+YOUR FOAMY FUTURE
+ by Miss Fortune
+
+AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18)
+ You have nothing better to think about than what to wear and what
+type of champagne to take to the neighbors Halloween Party. Just take beer!
+Don't try to copy the "Joneses", pull them up to your level and remember, in
+California Hoalloween is redundant anyhow.
+
+PISCES (Feb. 19 - March 20)
+ Focus on strengthening friendships this Fall. You find others are
+fascinated by your intelligence, your wit, your drinking ability, and your
+bank account. Just make sure you realize it's far more impressive when
+other discover your good qualities without your help.
+%
+YOUR FOAMY FUTURE
+ by Miss Fortune
+
+ARIES (March 21 - April 19)
+ Matters are not good, where you health is concerned. This Fall, be
+sure to "walk groundly, talk profoundly, drink roundly, and sleep soundly"
+and you will live all the days of your life.
+
+TAURUS (April 20 - May 20)
+ You spent a fortune on beer this past summer and now find yourself
+in a deep depression because you can't afford even one of your favorite
+brewskis. Don't fret too much, Taurus. To get back on your feet simply
+miss two car payments.
+
+GEMINI (May 21 - June 21)
+ You think you're falling in love with a person who has a lot in
+common with yourself. You both prefer ales, you've both tried your hand
+at homebrewing, and you both want to visit every new brewpub that opens.
+Sounds impressive but remember you really don't know your partner until
+you meet in court.
+%
+YOUR FOAMY FUTURE
+ by Miss Fortune
+
+CANCER (Jun 22 - July 22)
+ You've been awarded a clean bill of health this month and you feel
+you owe it all to the excessive amount of Vitamin B, Iron, and Malt you get
+in your beer. Being healthy is admirable but don't you think you're going
+to feel stupid one day lying in a hospital dying of nothing?
+
+LEO (July 23 - August 22)
+ You will soon acquire a large sum of money and will be in seventh
+heaven as you head to the nearest Liquor Barn and buy all the beer they have
+in stock. Whoever said money couldn't buy happiness didn't know where to
+shop.
+
+VIRGO (August 23 - September 22)
+ Your late night, beer drinking, "life in the fast lane" parties are
+affecting your job production the next morning. You feel a nine to five job
+is not for a "party animal" such as yourself and may feel the need for a
+career change. Just remember, people who work sitting down get paid more
+than people who work standing up.
+%
+Your friends will know you better in the first minute you
+meet than your acquaintances will know you in a thousand years.
+ -- Richard Bach, "Illusions"
+%
+Your goose is cooked.
+(Your current chick is burned up too!)
+%
+Your happiness is intertwined with your outlook on life.
+%
+Your heart is pure, and your mind clear, and your soul devout.
+%
+Your ignorance cramps my conversation.
+%
+Your life would be very empty if you had nothing to regret.
+%
+Your love life will be happy and harmonious.
+%
+Your love life will be... interesting.
+%
+Your lover will never wish to leave you.
+%
+Your lucky color has faded.
+%
+Your lucky number has been disconnected.
+%
+Your lucky number is 3552664958674928.
+Watch for it everywhere.
+%
+Your manuscript is both good and original, but the part that is good is not
+original and the part that is original is not good.
+ -- Samuel Johnson
+%
+Your mind is the part of you that says,
+ "Why'n'tcha eat that piece of cake?"
+... and then, twenty minutes later, says,
+ "Y'know, if I were you, I wouldn't have done that!"
+ -- Steven and Ondrea Levine
+%
+Your mind understands what you have been
+taught; your heart, what is true.
+%
+Your mode of life will be changed for
+the better because of good news soon.
+%
+Your mode of life will be changed for
+the better because of new developments.
+%
+Your mode of life will be changed to ASCII.
+%
+Your mode of life will be changed to EBCDIC.
+%
+Your mothers ghost stands at your shoulder
+Face like ice, a little bit colder
+She says "You can't do that it breaks all the rules
+You learned in school"
+But I don't really see
+Why can't we go on as three?
+ -- David Crosby, "Triad"
+%
+Your motives for doing whatever good deed you
+may have in mind will be misinterpreted by somebody.
+%
+Your nature demands love and your happiness depends on it.
+%
+Your object is to save the world,
+while still leading a pleasant life.
+%
+Your only obligation in any lifetime is to be true to yourself. Being
+true to anyone else or anything else is not only impossible, but the
+mark of a fake messiah. The simplest questions are the most profound.
+Where were you born? Where is your home? Where are you going? What
+are you doing? Think about these once in awhile and watch your answers
+change.
+ -- Messiah's Handbook : Reminders for the Advanced Soul
+%
+Your own qualities will help prevent your advancement in the world.
+%
+Your password is pitifully obvious.
+%
+Your picture of the world often changes just before you get it into focus.
+%
+Your present plans will be successful.
+%
+Your program is sick! Shoot it and put it out of its memory.
+%
+Your reasoning powers are good, and you are a fairly good planner.
+%
+Your responsibility as a parent is not as great as you might imagine. You
+need not supply the world with the next conqueror of disease or major motion
+picture star. If your child simply grows up to be someone who does not use
+the word "collectible" as a noun, you can consider yourself an unqualified
+success.
+ -- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies"
+%
+Your sister swims out to meet troop ships.
+%
+Your society will be sought by people of taste and refinement.
+%
+Your step will soil many countries.
+%
+Your supervisor is thinking about you.
+%
+Your talents will be recognized and suitably rewarded.
+%
+Your temporary financial embarrassment will
+be relieved in a surprising manner.
+%
+Your true value depends entirely on what you are compared with.
+%
+Your wig steers the gig.
+ -- Lord Buckley
+%
+Your wise men don't know how it feels
+To be thick as a brick.
+ -- Jethro Tull, "Thick As A Brick"
+%
+Your worship is your furnaces
+which, like old idols, lost obscenes,
+have molten bowels; your vision is
+machines for making more machines.
+ -- Gordon Bottomley, 1874
+%
+You're a card which will have to be dealt with.
+%
+You're a good example of why some animals eat their young.
+ -- Jim Samuels to a heckler
+
+Ah, yes. I remember my first beer.
+ -- Steve Martin to a heckler
+
+When your IQ rises to 28, sell.
+ -- Professor Irwin Corey to a heckler
+%
+You're all clear now, kid.
+Now blow this thing so we can all go home.
+ -- Han Solo
+%
+You're almost as happy as you think you are.
+%
+You're already carrying the sphere!
+%
+You're always thinking you're gonna be
+the one that makes 'em act different.
+ -- Woody Allen, "Manhattan"
+%
+You're at the end of the road again.
+%
+You're at Witt's End.
+%
+You're being followed. Cut out the hanky-panky for a few days.
+%
+You're currently going through a difficult transition period called "Life."
+%
+You're definitely on their list.
+The question to ask next is what list it is.
+%
+You're either part of the solution or part of the problem.
+ -- Eldridge Cleaver
+%
+You're growing out of some of your problems,
+but there are others that you're growing into.
+%
+"You're just the sort of person I imagined marrying, when I was little...
+except, y'know, not green... and without all the patches of fungus."
+ -- Swamp Thing
+%
+You're never too old to become younger.
+ -- Mae West
+%
+You're not Dave. Who are you?
+%
+You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
+ -- Dean Martin
+%
+You're reasoning is excellent -- it's
+only your basic assumptions that are wrong.
+%
+You're ugly and your mother dresses you funny.
+%
+You're using a keyboard! How quaint!
+%
+You're working under a slight handicap.
+You happen to be human.
+%
+Yours is not to reason why,
+Just to Sail Away.
+And when you find you have to throw
+Your Legacy away;
+Remember life as was it is,
+And is as it were;
+Chasing sounds across the galaxy
+'Till silence is but a blur.
+ -- QYX.
+%
+Youth. It's a wonder that anyone ever outgrows it.
+%
+Youth -- not a time of life but a state of mind... a predominance of
+courage over timidity, of the appetite for adventure over the love of ease.
+ -- Robert F. Kennedy
+%
+Youth had been a habit of hers so long that she could not part with it.
+%
+Youth is a blunder, manhood a struggle, old age a regret.
+ -- Benjamin Disraeli, "Coningsby"
+%
+Youth is a disease from which we all recover.
+ -- Dorothy Fuldheim
+%
+Youth is such a wonderful thing. What a crime to waste it on children.
+ -- George Bernard Shaw
+%
+Youth is the trustee of posterity.
+%
+Youth is when you blame all your troubles on your parents; maturity is
+when you learn that everything is the fault of the younger generation.
+%
+You've always made the mistake of being yourself.
+ -- Eugene Ionesco
+%
+You've been Berkeley'ed!
+%
+You've been leading a dog's life. Stay off the furniture.
+%
+You've been telling me to relax all the way here,
+and now you're telling me just to be myself?
+ -- The Return of the Secaucus Seven
+%
+You've got to pity New Mexico... so far from heaven and so close to Texas.
+%
+"Yow! Am I having fun yet?"
+ -- Zippy the Pinhead
+%
+"Yow! Am I in Milwaukee?"
+ -- Zippy the Pinhead
+%
+"Yow! And then we could sit on the hoods of cars at stop lights!"
+ -- Zippy the Pinhead
+%
+"Yow! Did something bad happen or am I in a drive-in movie?"
+ -- Zippy the Pinhead
+%
+"Yow! Is this sexual intercourse yet? Is it, huh, is it?"
+ -- Zippy the Pinhead
+%
+"Yow!! Those people look exactly like Donnie and Marie Osmond!!"
+ -- Zippy the Pinhead
+%
+"Yow! Now I get to think about all the BAD THINGS I did
+to a BOWLING BALL when I was in JUNIOR HIGH SCHOOL!"
+ -- Zippy the Pinhead
+%
+YO-YO:
+ Something that is occasionally up but normally down.
+ (see also Computer).
+%
+Zall's Laws:
+ 1: Any time you get a mouthful of hot soup, the next thing you do
+ will be wrong.
+ 2: How long a minute is, depends on which side of the bathroom
+ door you're on.
+%
+zeal, n:
+ Quality seen in new graduates -- if you're quick.
+%
+ZERO DEFECTS:
+ The result of shutting down a production line.
+%
+Zero Mostel: That's it baby! When you got it, flaunt it! Flaunt it!
+ -- Mel Brooks, "The Producers"
+%
+Zeus gave Leda the bird.
+%
+Zisla's Law:
+ If you're asked to join a parade, don't march behind the elephants.
+%
+Zounds! I was never so bethumped with words
+since I first called my brother's father dad.
+ -- William Shakespeare, "Kind John"
+%
+Zymurgy's Law of Volunteer Labor:
+ People are always available for work in the past tense.
+%
Index: bsd-games/create-2.17-patch/bsd-games-2.17-new/fortune/datfiles
===================================================================
--- bsd-games/create-2.17-patch/bsd-games-2.17-new/fortune/datfiles (nonexistent)
+++ bsd-games/create-2.17-patch/bsd-games-2.17-new/fortune/datfiles (revision 5)
Property changes on: bsd-games/create-2.17-patch/bsd-games-2.17-new/fortune/datfiles
___________________________________________________________________
Added: svn:ignore
## -0,0 +1,73 ##
+
+# install dir
+dist
+
+# Target build dirs
+.a1x-newlib
+.a2x-newlib
+.at91sam7s-newlib
+
+.build-machine
+
+.a1x-glibc
+.a2x-glibc
+.h3-glibc
+.h5-glibc
+.i586-glibc
+.i686-glibc
+.imx6-glibc
+.jz47xx-glibc
+.makefile
+.am335x-glibc
+.omap543x-glibc
+.p5600-glibc
+.power8-glibc
+.power8le-glibc
+.power9-glibc
+.power9le-glibc
+.m1000-glibc
+.riscv64-glibc
+.rk328x-glibc
+.rk33xx-glibc
+.rk339x-glibc
+.s8xx-glibc
+.s9xx-glibc
+.x86_64-glibc
+
+# Hidden files (each file)
+.makefile
+.dist
+.rootfs
+
+# src & hw requires
+.src_requires
+.src_requires_depend
+.requires
+.requires_depend
+
+# Tarballs
+*.gz
+*.bz2
+*.lz
+*.xz
+*.tgz
+*.txz
+
+# Signatures
+*.asc
+*.sig
+*.sign
+*.sha1sum
+
+# Patches
+*.patch
+
+# Descriptions
+*.dsc
+*.txt
+
+# Default linux config files
+*.defconfig
+
+# backup copies
+*~
Index: bsd-games/create-2.17-patch/bsd-games-2.17-new/fortune/strfile/Makefrag
===================================================================
--- bsd-games/create-2.17-patch/bsd-games-2.17-new/fortune/strfile/Makefrag (nonexistent)
+++ bsd-games/create-2.17-patch/bsd-games-2.17-new/fortune/strfile/Makefrag (revision 5)
@@ -0,0 +1,35 @@
+# Makefrag - makefile fragment for fortune/strfile
+#
+# Copyright (c) 1997, 1998 Joseph Samuel Myers.
+# All rights reserved.
+#
+# Redistribution and use in source and binary forms, with or without
+# modification, are permitted provided that the following conditions
+# are met:
+# 1. Redistributions of source code must retain the above copyright
+# notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer.
+# 2. Redistributions in binary form must reproduce the above copyright
+# notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer in the
+# documentation and/or other materials provided with the distribution.
+# 3. The name of the author may not be used to endorse or promote products
+# derived from this software without specific prior written permission.
+#
+# THIS SOFTWARE IS PROVIDED BY THE AUTHOR ``AS IS'' AND ANY EXPRESS OR
+# IMPLIED WARRANTIES, INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, THE IMPLIED WARRANTIES
+# OF MERCHANTABILITY AND FITNESS FOR A PARTICULAR PURPOSE ARE DISCLAIMED.
+# IN NO EVENT SHALL THE AUTHOR BE LIABLE FOR ANY DIRECT, INDIRECT,
+# INCIDENTAL, SPECIAL, EXEMPLARY, OR CONSEQUENTIAL DAMAGES (INCLUDING,
+# BUT NOT LIMITED TO, PROCUREMENT OF SUBSTITUTE GOODS OR SERVICES;
+# LOSS OF USE, DATA, OR PROFITS; OR BUSINESS INTERRUPTION) HOWEVER CAUSED
+# AND ON ANY THEORY OF LIABILITY, WHETHER IN CONTRACT, STRICT LIABILITY,
+# OR TORT (INCLUDING NEGLIGENCE OR OTHERWISE) ARISING IN ANY WAY
+# OUT OF THE USE OF THIS SOFTWARE, EVEN IF ADVISED OF THE POSSIBILITY OF
+# SUCH DAMAGE.
+
+fortune_strfile_DIRS := $(USRBINDIR) $(MAN8DIR)
+
+fortune_strfile_all: fortune/strfile/strfile_build fortune/strfile/strfile fortune/strfile/strfile.8
+
+fortune_strfile_install: fortune_strfile_all
+ $(INSTALL_BINARY) fortune/strfile/strfile $(INSTALL_PREFIX)$(USRBINDIR)/strfile
+ $(INSTALL_MANUAL) fortune/strfile/strfile.8
Index: bsd-games/create-2.17-patch/bsd-games-2.17-new/fortune/strfile/strfile.8
===================================================================
--- bsd-games/create-2.17-patch/bsd-games-2.17-new/fortune/strfile/strfile.8 (nonexistent)
+++ bsd-games/create-2.17-patch/bsd-games-2.17-new/fortune/strfile/strfile.8 (revision 5)
@@ -0,0 +1,143 @@
+.\" $NetBSD: strfile.8,v 1.12 2004/09/09 22:03:21 wiz Exp $
+.\"
+.\" Copyright (c) 1989, 1991, 1993
+.\" The Regents of the University of California. All rights reserved.
+.\"
+.\" This code is derived from software contributed to Berkeley by
+.\" Ken Arnold.
+.\"
+.\" Redistribution and use in source and binary forms, with or without
+.\" modification, are permitted provided that the following conditions
+.\" are met:
+.\" 1. Redistributions of source code must retain the above copyright
+.\" notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer.
+.\" 2. Redistributions in binary form must reproduce the above copyright
+.\" notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer in the
+.\" documentation and/or other materials provided with the distribution.
+.\" 3. Neither the name of the University nor the names of its contributors
+.\" may be used to endorse or promote products derived from this software
+.\" without specific prior written permission.
+.\"
+.\" THIS SOFTWARE IS PROVIDED BY THE REGENTS AND CONTRIBUTORS ``AS IS'' AND
+.\" ANY EXPRESS OR IMPLIED WARRANTIES, INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, THE
+.\" IMPLIED WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTABILITY AND FITNESS FOR A PARTICULAR PURPOSE
+.\" ARE DISCLAIMED. IN NO EVENT SHALL THE REGENTS OR CONTRIBUTORS BE LIABLE
+.\" FOR ANY DIRECT, INDIRECT, INCIDENTAL, SPECIAL, EXEMPLARY, OR CONSEQUENTIAL
+.\" DAMAGES (INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, PROCUREMENT OF SUBSTITUTE GOODS
+.\" OR SERVICES; LOSS OF USE, DATA, OR PROFITS; OR BUSINESS INTERRUPTION)
+.\" HOWEVER CAUSED AND ON ANY THEORY OF LIABILITY, WHETHER IN CONTRACT, STRICT
+.\" LIABILITY, OR TORT (INCLUDING NEGLIGENCE OR OTHERWISE) ARISING IN ANY WAY
+.\" OUT OF THE USE OF THIS SOFTWARE, EVEN IF ADVISED OF THE POSSIBILITY OF
+.\" SUCH DAMAGE.
+.\"
+.\" @(#)strfile.8 8.1 (Berkeley) 6/9/93
+.\"
+.Dd June 9, 1993
+.Dt STRFILE 8
+.Os
+.Sh NAME
+.Nm strfile ,
+.Nm unstr
+.Nd "create a random access file for storing strings"
+.Sh SYNOPSIS
+.Nm strfile
+.Op Fl iorsx
+.Op Fl c Ar char
+.Ar source_file
+.Op Ar output_file
+.Nm unstr
+.Ar source_file
+.Sh DESCRIPTION
+.Nm
+reads a file containing groups of lines separated by a line containing
+a single percent
+.Ql \&%
+sign and creates a data file which contains
+a header structure and a table of file offsets for each group of lines.
+This allows random access of the strings.
+.Pp
+The output file, if not specified on the command line, is named
+.Ar source_file Ns Sy .dat .
+.Pp
+The options are as follows:
+.Bl -tag -width "-c char"
+.It Fl c Ar char
+Change the delimiting character from the percent sign to
+.Ar char .
+.It Fl i
+Ignore case when ordering the strings.
+.It Fl o
+Order the strings in alphabetical order.
+The offset table will be sorted in the alphabetical order of the
+groups of lines referenced.
+Any initial non-alphanumeric characters are ignored.
+This option causes the
+.Dv STR_ORDERED
+bit in the header
+.Ar str_flags
+field to be set.
+.It Fl r
+Randomize access to the strings.
+Entries in the offset table will be randomly ordered.
+This option causes the
+.Dv STR_RANDOM
+bit in the header
+.Ar str_flags
+field to be set.
+.It Fl s
+Run silently; don't give a summary message when finished.
+.It Fl x
+Note that each alphabetic character in the groups of lines is rotated
+13 positions in a simple caesar cipher.
+This option causes the
+.Dv STR_ROTATED
+bit in the header
+.Ar str_flags
+field to be set.
+.El
+.Pp
+The format of the header is:
+.Bd -literal -offset indent
+#define VERSION 1
+unsigned long str_version; /* version number */
+unsigned long str_numstr; /* # of strings in the file */
+unsigned long str_longlen; /* length of longest string */
+unsigned long str_shortlen; /* length of shortest string */
+#define STR_RANDOM 0x1 /* randomized pointers */
+#define STR_ORDERED 0x2 /* ordered pointers */
+#define STR_ROTATED 0x4 /* rot-13'd text */
+unsigned long str_flags; /* bit field for flags */
+char str_delim; /* delimiting character */
+.Ed
+.Pp
+All fields are written in big-endian byte order.
+.Pp
+The purpose of
+.Nm unstr
+is to undo the work of
+.Nm strfile .
+It prints out the strings contained in the file
+.Ar source_file
+in the order that they are listed in the header file
+.Ar source_file Ns Sy .dat
+to standard output.
+It is possible to create sorted versions of input files by using
+.Fl o
+when
+.Nm strfile
+is run and then using
+.Nm unstr
+to dump them out in the table order.
+.Sh FILES
+.Bl -tag -width strfile.dat -compact
+.It Pa strfile.dat
+default output file.
+.El
+.Sh SEE ALSO
+.Xr byteorder 3 ,
+.Xr fortune 6
+.Sh HISTORY
+The
+.Nm strfile
+utility first appeared in
+.Bx 4.4 .
Index: bsd-games/create-2.17-patch/bsd-games-2.17-new/fortune/strfile/strfile.c
===================================================================
--- bsd-games/create-2.17-patch/bsd-games-2.17-new/fortune/strfile/strfile.c (nonexistent)
+++ bsd-games/create-2.17-patch/bsd-games-2.17-new/fortune/strfile/strfile.c (revision 5)
@@ -0,0 +1,508 @@
+/* $NetBSD: strfile.c,v 1.22 2003/08/07 09:37:14 agc Exp $ */
+
+/*-
+ * Copyright (c) 1989, 1993
+ * The Regents of the University of California. All rights reserved.
+ *
+ * This code is derived from software contributed to Berkeley by
+ * Ken Arnold.
+ *
+ * Redistribution and use in source and binary forms, with or without
+ * modification, are permitted provided that the following conditions
+ * are met:
+ * 1. Redistributions of source code must retain the above copyright
+ * notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer.
+ * 2. Redistributions in binary form must reproduce the above copyright
+ * notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer in the
+ * documentation and/or other materials provided with the distribution.
+ * 3. Neither the name of the University nor the names of its contributors
+ * may be used to endorse or promote products derived from this software
+ * without specific prior written permission.
+ *
+ * THIS SOFTWARE IS PROVIDED BY THE REGENTS AND CONTRIBUTORS ``AS IS'' AND
+ * ANY EXPRESS OR IMPLIED WARRANTIES, INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, THE
+ * IMPLIED WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTABILITY AND FITNESS FOR A PARTICULAR PURPOSE
+ * ARE DISCLAIMED. IN NO EVENT SHALL THE REGENTS OR CONTRIBUTORS BE LIABLE
+ * FOR ANY DIRECT, INDIRECT, INCIDENTAL, SPECIAL, EXEMPLARY, OR CONSEQUENTIAL
+ * DAMAGES (INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, PROCUREMENT OF SUBSTITUTE GOODS
+ * OR SERVICES; LOSS OF USE, DATA, OR PROFITS; OR BUSINESS INTERRUPTION)
+ * HOWEVER CAUSED AND ON ANY THEORY OF LIABILITY, WHETHER IN CONTRACT, STRICT
+ * LIABILITY, OR TORT (INCLUDING NEGLIGENCE OR OTHERWISE) ARISING IN ANY WAY
+ * OUT OF THE USE OF THIS SOFTWARE, EVEN IF ADVISED OF THE POSSIBILITY OF
+ * SUCH DAMAGE.
+ */
+
+#include <sys/cdefs.h>
+#ifndef lint
+__COPYRIGHT("@(#) Copyright (c) 1989, 1993\n\
+ The Regents of the University of California. All rights reserved.\n");
+#endif /* not lint */
+
+#ifndef lint
+#if 0
+static char sccsid[] = "@(#)strfile.c 8.1 (Berkeley) 5/31/93";
+#else
+__RCSID("$NetBSD: strfile.c,v 1.22 2003/08/07 09:37:14 agc Exp $");
+#endif
+#endif /* not lint */
+
+# include <sys/types.h>
+# include <sys/param.h>
+# include <ctype.h>
+# include <stdio.h>
+# include <stdlib.h>
+# include <string.h>
+# include <time.h>
+# include <unistd.h>
+
+# ifndef u_int32_t
+# define u_int32_t unsigned int
+# endif
+# include "strfile.h"
+
+# ifndef MAXPATHLEN
+# define MAXPATHLEN 1024
+# endif /* MAXPATHLEN */
+
+static u_int32_t
+h2nl(u_int32_t h)
+{
+ unsigned char c[4];
+ u_int32_t rv;
+
+ c[0] = (h >> 24) & 0xff;
+ c[1] = (h >> 16) & 0xff;
+ c[2] = (h >> 8) & 0xff;
+ c[3] = (h >> 0) & 0xff;
+ memcpy(&rv, c, sizeof rv);
+
+ return (rv);
+}
+
+/*
+ * This program takes a file composed of strings separated by
+ * lines starting with two consecutive delimiting character (default
+ * character is '%') and creates another file which consists of a table
+ * describing the file (structure from "strfile.h"), a table of seek
+ * pointers to the start of the strings, and the strings, each terminated
+ * by a null byte. Usage:
+ *
+ * % strfile [-iorsx] [ -cC ] sourcefile [ datafile ]
+ *
+ * c - Change delimiting character from '%' to 'C'
+ * s - Silent. Give no summary of data processed at the end of
+ * the run.
+ * o - order the strings in alphabetic order
+ * i - if ordering, ignore case
+ * r - randomize the order of the strings
+ * x - set rotated bit
+ *
+ * Ken Arnold Sept. 7, 1978 --
+ *
+ * Added ordering options.
+ */
+
+# define TRUE 1
+# define FALSE 0
+
+# define STORING_PTRS (Oflag || Rflag)
+# define CHUNKSIZE 512
+
+# define ALLOC(ptr,sz) do { \
+ if (ptr == NULL) \
+ ptr = malloc(CHUNKSIZE * sizeof *ptr); \
+ else if (((sz) + 1) % CHUNKSIZE == 0) \
+ ptr = realloc(ptr, ((sz) + CHUNKSIZE) * sizeof *ptr); \
+ if (ptr == NULL) \
+ die("out of space"); \
+ } while (0)
+
+typedef struct {
+ char first;
+ off_t pos;
+} STR;
+
+char *Infile = NULL, /* input file name */
+ Outfile[MAXPATHLEN] = "", /* output file name */
+ Delimch = '%'; /* delimiting character */
+
+int Sflag = FALSE; /* silent run flag */
+int Oflag = FALSE; /* ordering flag */
+int Iflag = FALSE; /* ignore case flag */
+int Rflag = FALSE; /* randomize order flag */
+int Xflag = FALSE; /* set rotated bit */
+long Num_pts = 0; /* number of pointers/strings */
+
+off_t *Seekpts;
+
+FILE *Sort_1, *Sort_2; /* pointers for sorting */
+
+STRFILE Tbl; /* statistics table */
+
+STR *Firstch; /* first chars of each string */
+
+#ifdef __GNUC__
+#define NORETURN __attribute__((__noreturn__))
+#else
+#define NORETURN
+#endif
+
+void add_offset(FILE *, off_t);
+int cmp_str(const void *, const void *);
+void die(const char *) NORETURN;
+void dieperror(const char *, char *) NORETURN;
+void do_order(void);
+void fwrite_be_offt(off_t, FILE *);
+void getargs(int, char *[]);
+int main(int, char *[]);
+void randomize(void);
+void usage(void) NORETURN;
+
+
+/*
+ * main:
+ * Drive the sucker. There are two main modes -- either we store
+ * the seek pointers, if the table is to be sorted or randomized,
+ * or we write the pointer directly to the file, if we are to stay
+ * in file order. If the former, we allocate and re-allocate in
+ * CHUNKSIZE blocks; if the latter, we just write each pointer,
+ * and then seek back to the beginning to write in the table.
+ */
+int
+main(ac, av)
+ int ac;
+ char *av[];
+{
+ char *sp, dc;
+ FILE *inf, *outf;
+ off_t last_off, length, pos, *p;
+ int first, cnt;
+ char *nsp;
+ STR *fp;
+ static char string[257];
+
+ /* sanity test */
+ if (sizeof(u_int32_t) != 4)
+ die("sizeof(unsigned int) != 4");
+
+ getargs(ac, av); /* evalute arguments */
+ dc = Delimch;
+ if ((inf = fopen(Infile, "r")) == NULL)
+ dieperror("open `%s'", Infile);
+
+ if ((outf = fopen(Outfile, "w")) == NULL)
+ dieperror("open `%s'", Outfile);
+ if (!STORING_PTRS)
+ (void) fseek(outf, sizeof Tbl, SEEK_SET);
+
+ /*
+ * Write the strings onto the file
+ */
+
+ Tbl.str_longlen = 0;
+ Tbl.str_shortlen = (unsigned int) 0x7fffffff;
+ Tbl.str_delim = dc;
+ Tbl.str_version = VERSION;
+ first = Oflag;
+ add_offset(outf, ftell(inf));
+ last_off = 0;
+ do {
+ sp = fgets(string, 256, inf);
+ if (sp == NULL || (sp[0] == dc && sp[1] == '\n')) {
+ pos = ftell(inf);
+ length = pos - last_off - (sp ? strlen(sp) : 0);
+ last_off = pos;
+ if (!length)
+ continue;
+ add_offset(outf, pos);
+ if ((off_t)Tbl.str_longlen < length)
+ Tbl.str_longlen = length;
+ if ((off_t)Tbl.str_shortlen > length)
+ Tbl.str_shortlen = length;
+ first = Oflag;
+ }
+ else if (first) {
+ for (nsp = sp; !isalnum(*nsp); nsp++)
+ continue;
+ ALLOC(Firstch, Num_pts);
+ fp = &Firstch[Num_pts - 1];
+ if (Iflag && isupper(*nsp))
+ fp->first = tolower(*nsp);
+ else
+ fp->first = *nsp;
+ fp->pos = Seekpts[Num_pts - 1];
+ first = FALSE;
+ }
+ } while (sp != NULL);
+
+ /*
+ * write the tables in
+ */
+
+ (void) fclose(inf);
+
+ if (Oflag)
+ do_order();
+ else if (Rflag)
+ randomize();
+
+ if (Xflag)
+ Tbl.str_flags |= STR_ROTATED;
+
+ if (!Sflag) {
+ printf("\"%s\" created\n", Outfile);
+ if (Num_pts == 2)
+ puts("There was 1 string");
+ else
+ printf("There were %d strings\n", (int)(Num_pts - 1));
+ printf("Longest string: %lu byte%s\n", (unsigned long)Tbl.str_longlen,
+ Tbl.str_longlen == 1 ? "" : "s");
+ printf("Shortest string: %lu byte%s\n", (unsigned long)Tbl.str_shortlen,
+ Tbl.str_shortlen == 1 ? "" : "s");
+ }
+
+ (void) fseek(outf, (off_t) 0, SEEK_SET);
+ Tbl.str_version = h2nl(Tbl.str_version);
+ Tbl.str_numstr = h2nl(Num_pts - 1);
+ Tbl.str_longlen = h2nl(Tbl.str_longlen);
+ Tbl.str_shortlen = h2nl(Tbl.str_shortlen);
+ Tbl.str_flags = h2nl(Tbl.str_flags);
+ (void) fwrite((char *) &Tbl, sizeof Tbl, 1, outf);
+ if (STORING_PTRS) {
+ for (p = Seekpts, cnt = Num_pts; cnt--; ++p)
+ fwrite_be_offt(*p, outf);
+ }
+ fflush(outf);
+ if (ferror(outf))
+ dieperror("fwrite %s", Outfile);
+ (void) fclose(outf);
+ exit(0);
+}
+
+/*
+ * This routine evaluates arguments from the command line
+ */
+void
+getargs(argc, argv)
+ int argc;
+ char **argv;
+{
+ int ch;
+ extern int optind;
+ extern char *optarg;
+
+ while ((ch = getopt(argc, argv, "c:iorsx")) != -1)
+ switch(ch) {
+ case 'c': /* new delimiting char */
+ Delimch = *optarg;
+ if (!isascii(Delimch)) {
+ printf("bad delimiting character: '\\%o\n'",
+ Delimch);
+ }
+ break;
+ case 'i': /* ignore case in ordering */
+ Iflag++;
+ break;
+ case 'o': /* order strings */
+ Oflag++;
+ break;
+ case 'r': /* randomize pointers */
+ Rflag++;
+ break;
+ case 's': /* silent */
+ Sflag++;
+ break;
+ case 'x': /* set the rotated bit */
+ Xflag++;
+ break;
+ case '?':
+ default:
+ usage();
+ }
+ argv += optind;
+
+ if (*argv) {
+ Infile = *argv;
+ if (*++argv)
+ (void) strcpy(Outfile, *argv);
+ }
+ if (!Infile) {
+ puts("No input file name");
+ usage();
+ }
+ if (*Outfile == '\0') {
+ (void) strcpy(Outfile, Infile);
+ (void) strcat(Outfile, ".dat");
+ }
+}
+
+void
+usage()
+{
+ (void) fprintf(stderr,
+ "strfile [-iorsx] [-c char] sourcefile [datafile]\n");
+ exit(1);
+}
+
+void
+die(str)
+ const char *str;
+{
+ fprintf(stderr, "strfile: %s\n", str);
+ exit(1);
+}
+
+void
+dieperror(fmt, file)
+ const char *fmt;
+ char *file;
+{
+ fprintf(stderr, "strfile: ");
+ fprintf(stderr, fmt, file);
+ fprintf(stderr, ": ");
+ perror(NULL);
+ exit(1);
+}
+
+/*
+ * add_offset:
+ * Add an offset to the list, or write it out, as appropriate.
+ */
+void
+add_offset(fp, off)
+ FILE *fp;
+ off_t off;
+{
+
+ if (!STORING_PTRS) {
+ fwrite_be_offt(off, fp);
+ } else {
+ ALLOC(Seekpts, Num_pts + 1);
+ Seekpts[Num_pts] = off;
+ }
+ Num_pts++;
+}
+
+/*
+ * do_order:
+ * Order the strings alphabetically (possibly ignoring case).
+ */
+void
+do_order()
+{
+ int i;
+ off_t *lp;
+ STR *fp;
+
+ Sort_1 = fopen(Infile, "r");
+ Sort_2 = fopen(Infile, "r");
+ qsort((char *) Firstch, (int) Tbl.str_numstr, sizeof *Firstch, cmp_str);
+ i = Tbl.str_numstr;
+ lp = Seekpts;
+ fp = Firstch;
+ while (i--)
+ *lp++ = fp++->pos;
+ (void) fclose(Sort_1);
+ (void) fclose(Sort_2);
+ Tbl.str_flags |= STR_ORDERED;
+}
+
+int
+cmp_str(vp1, vp2)
+ const void *vp1, *vp2;
+{
+ const STR *p1, *p2;
+ int c1, c2;
+ int n1, n2;
+
+ p1 = (const STR *)vp1;
+ p2 = (const STR *)vp2;
+
+# define SET_N(nf,ch) (nf = (ch == '\n'))
+# define IS_END(ch,nf) (ch == Delimch && nf)
+
+ c1 = p1->first;
+ c2 = p2->first;
+ if (c1 != c2)
+ return c1 - c2;
+
+ (void) fseek(Sort_1, p1->pos, SEEK_SET);
+ (void) fseek(Sort_2, p2->pos, SEEK_SET);
+
+ n1 = FALSE;
+ n2 = FALSE;
+ while (!isalnum(c1 = getc(Sort_1)) && c1 != '\0')
+ SET_N(n1, c1);
+ while (!isalnum(c2 = getc(Sort_2)) && c2 != '\0')
+ SET_N(n2, c2);
+
+ while (!IS_END(c1, n1) && !IS_END(c2, n2)) {
+ if (Iflag) {
+ if (isupper(c1))
+ c1 = tolower(c1);
+ if (isupper(c2))
+ c2 = tolower(c2);
+ }
+ if (c1 != c2)
+ return c1 - c2;
+ SET_N(n1, c1);
+ SET_N(n2, c2);
+ c1 = getc(Sort_1);
+ c2 = getc(Sort_2);
+ }
+ if (IS_END(c1, n1))
+ c1 = 0;
+ if (IS_END(c2, n2))
+ c2 = 0;
+ return c1 - c2;
+}
+
+/*
+ * randomize:
+ * Randomize the order of the string table. We must be careful
+ * not to randomize across delimiter boundaries. All
+ * randomization is done within each block.
+ */
+void
+randomize()
+{
+ int cnt, i;
+ off_t tmp;
+ off_t *sp;
+
+ srandom((int)(time((time_t *) NULL) + getpid()));
+
+ Tbl.str_flags |= STR_RANDOM;
+ cnt = Tbl.str_numstr;
+
+ /*
+ * move things around randomly
+ */
+
+ for (sp = Seekpts; cnt > 0; cnt--, sp++) {
+ i = random() % cnt;
+ tmp = sp[0];
+ sp[0] = sp[i];
+ sp[i] = tmp;
+ }
+}
+
+/*
+ * fwrite_be_offt:
+ * Write out the off paramater as a 64 bit big endian number
+ */
+
+void
+fwrite_be_offt(off, f)
+ off_t off;
+ FILE *f;
+{
+ int i;
+ unsigned char c[8];
+
+ for (i = 7; i >= 0; i--) {
+ c[i] = off & 0xff;
+ off >>= 8;
+ }
+ fwrite(c, sizeof(c), 1, f);
+}
Index: bsd-games/create-2.17-patch/bsd-games-2.17-new/fortune/strfile
===================================================================
--- bsd-games/create-2.17-patch/bsd-games-2.17-new/fortune/strfile (nonexistent)
+++ bsd-games/create-2.17-patch/bsd-games-2.17-new/fortune/strfile (revision 5)
Property changes on: bsd-games/create-2.17-patch/bsd-games-2.17-new/fortune/strfile
___________________________________________________________________
Added: svn:ignore
## -0,0 +1,73 ##
+
+# install dir
+dist
+
+# Target build dirs
+.a1x-newlib
+.a2x-newlib
+.at91sam7s-newlib
+
+.build-machine
+
+.a1x-glibc
+.a2x-glibc
+.h3-glibc
+.h5-glibc
+.i586-glibc
+.i686-glibc
+.imx6-glibc
+.jz47xx-glibc
+.makefile
+.am335x-glibc
+.omap543x-glibc
+.p5600-glibc
+.power8-glibc
+.power8le-glibc
+.power9-glibc
+.power9le-glibc
+.m1000-glibc
+.riscv64-glibc
+.rk328x-glibc
+.rk33xx-glibc
+.rk339x-glibc
+.s8xx-glibc
+.s9xx-glibc
+.x86_64-glibc
+
+# Hidden files (each file)
+.makefile
+.dist
+.rootfs
+
+# src & hw requires
+.src_requires
+.src_requires_depend
+.requires
+.requires_depend
+
+# Tarballs
+*.gz
+*.bz2
+*.lz
+*.xz
+*.tgz
+*.txz
+
+# Signatures
+*.asc
+*.sig
+*.sign
+*.sha1sum
+
+# Patches
+*.patch
+
+# Descriptions
+*.dsc
+*.txt
+
+# Default linux config files
+*.defconfig
+
+# backup copies
+*~
Index: bsd-games/create-2.17-patch/bsd-games-2.17-new/fortune
===================================================================
--- bsd-games/create-2.17-patch/bsd-games-2.17-new/fortune (nonexistent)
+++ bsd-games/create-2.17-patch/bsd-games-2.17-new/fortune (revision 5)
Property changes on: bsd-games/create-2.17-patch/bsd-games-2.17-new/fortune
___________________________________________________________________
Added: svn:ignore
## -0,0 +1,73 ##
+
+# install dir
+dist
+
+# Target build dirs
+.a1x-newlib
+.a2x-newlib
+.at91sam7s-newlib
+
+.build-machine
+
+.a1x-glibc
+.a2x-glibc
+.h3-glibc
+.h5-glibc
+.i586-glibc
+.i686-glibc
+.imx6-glibc
+.jz47xx-glibc
+.makefile
+.am335x-glibc
+.omap543x-glibc
+.p5600-glibc
+.power8-glibc
+.power8le-glibc
+.power9-glibc
+.power9le-glibc
+.m1000-glibc
+.riscv64-glibc
+.rk328x-glibc
+.rk33xx-glibc
+.rk339x-glibc
+.s8xx-glibc
+.s9xx-glibc
+.x86_64-glibc
+
+# Hidden files (each file)
+.makefile
+.dist
+.rootfs
+
+# src & hw requires
+.src_requires
+.src_requires_depend
+.requires
+.requires_depend
+
+# Tarballs
+*.gz
+*.bz2
+*.lz
+*.xz
+*.tgz
+*.txz
+
+# Signatures
+*.asc
+*.sig
+*.sign
+*.sha1sum
+
+# Patches
+*.patch
+
+# Descriptions
+*.dsc
+*.txt
+
+# Default linux config files
+*.defconfig
+
+# backup copies
+*~
Index: bsd-games/create-2.17-patch/bsd-games-2.17-new/gomoku/bdisp.c
===================================================================
--- bsd-games/create-2.17-patch/bsd-games-2.17-new/gomoku/bdisp.c (nonexistent)
+++ bsd-games/create-2.17-patch/bsd-games-2.17-new/gomoku/bdisp.c (revision 5)
@@ -0,0 +1,288 @@
+/* $NetBSD: bdisp.c,v 1.8 2003/08/07 09:37:16 agc Exp $ */
+
+/*
+ * Copyright (c) 1994
+ * The Regents of the University of California. All rights reserved.
+ *
+ * This code is derived from software contributed to Berkeley by
+ * Ralph Campbell.
+ *
+ * Redistribution and use in source and binary forms, with or without
+ * modification, are permitted provided that the following conditions
+ * are met:
+ * 1. Redistributions of source code must retain the above copyright
+ * notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer.
+ * 2. Redistributions in binary form must reproduce the above copyright
+ * notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer in the
+ * documentation and/or other materials provided with the distribution.
+ * 3. Neither the name of the University nor the names of its contributors
+ * may be used to endorse or promote products derived from this software
+ * without specific prior written permission.
+ *
+ * THIS SOFTWARE IS PROVIDED BY THE REGENTS AND CONTRIBUTORS ``AS IS'' AND
+ * ANY EXPRESS OR IMPLIED WARRANTIES, INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, THE
+ * IMPLIED WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTABILITY AND FITNESS FOR A PARTICULAR PURPOSE
+ * ARE DISCLAIMED. IN NO EVENT SHALL THE REGENTS OR CONTRIBUTORS BE LIABLE
+ * FOR ANY DIRECT, INDIRECT, INCIDENTAL, SPECIAL, EXEMPLARY, OR CONSEQUENTIAL
+ * DAMAGES (INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, PROCUREMENT OF SUBSTITUTE GOODS
+ * OR SERVICES; LOSS OF USE, DATA, OR PROFITS; OR BUSINESS INTERRUPTION)
+ * HOWEVER CAUSED AND ON ANY THEORY OF LIABILITY, WHETHER IN CONTRACT, STRICT
+ * LIABILITY, OR TORT (INCLUDING NEGLIGENCE OR OTHERWISE) ARISING IN ANY WAY
+ * OUT OF THE USE OF THIS SOFTWARE, EVEN IF ADVISED OF THE POSSIBILITY OF
+ * SUCH DAMAGE.
+ */
+
+#include <sys/cdefs.h>
+#ifndef lint
+#if 0
+static char sccsid[] = "@(#)bdisp.c 8.2 (Berkeley) 5/3/95";
+#else
+__RCSID("$NetBSD: bdisp.c,v 1.8 2003/08/07 09:37:16 agc Exp $");
+#endif
+#endif /* not lint */
+
+#include <curses.h>
+#include <string.h>
+#include "gomoku.h"
+
+#define SCRNH 24 /* assume 24 lines for the moment */
+#define SCRNW 80 /* assume 80 chars for the moment */
+
+static int lastline;
+static char pcolor[] = "*O.?";
+
+extern int interactive;
+extern char *plyr[];
+
+/*
+ * Initialize screen display.
+ */
+void
+cursinit()
+{
+
+ initscr();
+ noecho();
+ cbreak();
+ leaveok(stdscr, TRUE);
+}
+
+/*
+ * Restore screen display.
+ */
+void
+cursfini()
+{
+
+ leaveok(stdscr, FALSE);
+ move(23, 0);
+ clrtoeol();
+ refresh();
+ endwin();
+}
+
+/*
+ * Initialize board display.
+ */
+void
+bdisp_init()
+{
+ int i, j;
+
+ /* top border */
+ for (i = 1; i < BSZ1; i++) {
+ move(0, 2 * i + 1);
+ addch(letters[i]);
+ }
+ /* left and right edges */
+ for (j = BSZ1; --j > 0; ) {
+ move(20 - j, 0);
+ printw("%2d ", j);
+ move(20 - j, 2 * BSZ1 + 1);
+ printw("%d ", j);
+ }
+ /* bottom border */
+ for (i = 1; i < BSZ1; i++) {
+ move(20, 2 * i + 1);
+ addch(letters[i]);
+ }
+ bdwho(0);
+ move(0, 47);
+ addstr("# black white");
+ lastline = 0;
+ bdisp();
+}
+
+/*
+ * Update who is playing whom.
+ */
+void
+bdwho(update)
+ int update;
+{
+ int i;
+
+ move(21, 0);
+ clrtoeol();
+ i = 6 - strlen(plyr[BLACK]) / 2;
+ move(21, i > 0 ? i : 0);
+ printw("BLACK/%s", plyr[BLACK]);
+ i = 30 - strlen(plyr[WHITE]) / 2;
+ move(21, i);
+ printw("WHITE/%s", plyr[WHITE]);
+ move(21, 19);
+ addstr(" vs. ");
+ if (update)
+ refresh();
+}
+
+/*
+ * Update the board display after a move.
+ */
+void
+bdisp()
+{
+ int i, j, c;
+ struct spotstr *sp;
+
+ for (j = BSZ1; --j > 0; ) {
+ for (i = 1; i < BSZ1; i++) {
+ move(BSZ1 - j, 2 * i + 1);
+ sp = &board[i + j * BSZ1];
+ if (debug > 1 && sp->s_occ == EMPTY) {
+ if (sp->s_flg & IFLAGALL)
+ c = '+';
+ else if (sp->s_flg & CFLAGALL)
+ c = '-';
+ else
+ c = '.';
+ } else
+ c = pcolor[sp->s_occ];
+ addch(c);
+ }
+ }
+ refresh();
+}
+
+#ifdef DEBUG
+/*
+ * Dump board display to a file.
+ */
+void
+bdump(fp)
+ FILE *fp;
+{
+ int i, j, c;
+ struct spotstr *sp;
+
+ /* top border */
+ fprintf(fp, " A B C D E F G H J K L M N O P Q R S T\n");
+
+ for (j = BSZ1; --j > 0; ) {
+ /* left edge */
+ fprintf(fp, "%2d ", j);
+ for (i = 1; i < BSZ1; i++) {
+ sp = &board[i + j * BSZ1];
+ if (debug > 1 && sp->s_occ == EMPTY) {
+ if (sp->s_flg & IFLAGALL)
+ c = '+';
+ else if (sp->s_flg & CFLAGALL)
+ c = '-';
+ else
+ c = '.';
+ } else
+ c = pcolor[sp->s_occ];
+ putc(c, fp);
+ putc(' ', fp);
+ }
+ /* right edge */
+ fprintf(fp, "%d\n", j);
+ }
+
+ /* bottom border */
+ fprintf(fp, " A B C D E F G H J K L M N O P Q R S T\n");
+}
+#endif /* DEBUG */
+
+/*
+ * Display a transcript entry
+ */
+void
+dislog(str)
+ const char *str;
+{
+
+ if (++lastline >= SCRNH - 1) {
+ /* move 'em up */
+ lastline = 1;
+ }
+ move(lastline, 46);
+ addnstr(str, SCRNW - 46 - 1);
+ clrtoeol();
+ move(lastline + 1, 46);
+ clrtoeol();
+}
+
+/*
+ * Display a question.
+ */
+
+void
+ask(str)
+ const char *str;
+{
+ int len = strlen(str);
+
+ move(23, 0);
+ addstr(str);
+ clrtoeol();
+ move(23, len);
+ refresh();
+}
+
+int
+g_getline(buf, size)
+ char *buf;
+ int size;
+{
+ char *cp, *end;
+ int c;
+
+ c = 0;
+ cp = buf;
+ end = buf + size - 1; /* save room for the '\0' */
+ while (cp < end && (c = getchar()) != EOF && c != '\n' && c != '\r') {
+ *cp++ = c;
+ if (interactive) {
+ switch (c) {
+ case 0x0c: /* ^L */
+ wrefresh(curscr);
+ cp--;
+ continue;
+ case 0x15: /* ^U */
+ case 0x18: /* ^X */
+ while (cp > buf) {
+ cp--;
+ addch('\b');
+ }
+ clrtoeol();
+ break;
+ case '\b':
+ case 0x7f: /* DEL */
+ if (cp == buf + 1) {
+ cp--;
+ continue;
+ }
+ cp -= 2;
+ addch('\b');
+ c = ' ';
+ /* FALLTHROUGH */
+ default:
+ addch(c);
+ }
+ refresh();
+ }
+ }
+ *cp = '\0';
+ return(c != EOF);
+}
Index: bsd-games/create-2.17-patch/bsd-games-2.17-new/gomoku/gomoku.h
===================================================================
--- bsd-games/create-2.17-patch/bsd-games-2.17-new/gomoku/gomoku.h (nonexistent)
+++ bsd-games/create-2.17-patch/bsd-games-2.17-new/gomoku/gomoku.h (revision 5)
@@ -0,0 +1,302 @@
+/* $NetBSD: gomoku.h,v 1.10 2004/01/27 20:30:29 jsm Exp $ */
+
+/*
+ * Copyright (c) 1994
+ * The Regents of the University of California. All rights reserved.
+ *
+ * This code is derived from software contributed to Berkeley by
+ * Ralph Campbell.
+ *
+ * Redistribution and use in source and binary forms, with or without
+ * modification, are permitted provided that the following conditions
+ * are met:
+ * 1. Redistributions of source code must retain the above copyright
+ * notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer.
+ * 2. Redistributions in binary form must reproduce the above copyright
+ * notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer in the
+ * documentation and/or other materials provided with the distribution.
+ * 3. Neither the name of the University nor the names of its contributors
+ * may be used to endorse or promote products derived from this software
+ * without specific prior written permission.
+ *
+ * THIS SOFTWARE IS PROVIDED BY THE REGENTS AND CONTRIBUTORS ``AS IS'' AND
+ * ANY EXPRESS OR IMPLIED WARRANTIES, INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, THE
+ * IMPLIED WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTABILITY AND FITNESS FOR A PARTICULAR PURPOSE
+ * ARE DISCLAIMED. IN NO EVENT SHALL THE REGENTS OR CONTRIBUTORS BE LIABLE
+ * FOR ANY DIRECT, INDIRECT, INCIDENTAL, SPECIAL, EXEMPLARY, OR CONSEQUENTIAL
+ * DAMAGES (INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, PROCUREMENT OF SUBSTITUTE GOODS
+ * OR SERVICES; LOSS OF USE, DATA, OR PROFITS; OR BUSINESS INTERRUPTION)
+ * HOWEVER CAUSED AND ON ANY THEORY OF LIABILITY, WHETHER IN CONTRACT, STRICT
+ * LIABILITY, OR TORT (INCLUDING NEGLIGENCE OR OTHERWISE) ARISING IN ANY WAY
+ * OUT OF THE USE OF THIS SOFTWARE, EVEN IF ADVISED OF THE POSSIBILITY OF
+ * SUCH DAMAGE.
+ *
+ * @(#)gomoku.h 8.2 (Berkeley) 5/3/95
+ */
+
+#include <sys/types.h>
+#include <sys/endian.h>
+#include <stdio.h>
+
+/* board dimensions */
+#define BSZ 19
+#define BSZ1 (BSZ+1)
+#define BSZ2 (BSZ+2)
+#define BAREA (BSZ2*BSZ1+1)
+
+/* frame dimentions (based on 5 in a row) */
+#define FSZ1 BSZ
+#define FSZ2 (BSZ-4)
+#define FAREA (FSZ1*FSZ2 + FSZ2*FSZ2 + FSZ1*FSZ2 + FSZ2*FSZ2)
+
+#define MUP (BSZ1)
+#define MDOWN (-BSZ1)
+#define MLEFT (-1)
+#define MRIGHT (1)
+
+/* values for s_occ */
+#define BLACK 0
+#define WHITE 1
+#define EMPTY 2
+#define BORDER 3
+
+/* return values for makemove() */
+#define MOVEOK 0
+#define RESIGN 1
+#define ILLEGAL 2
+#define WIN 3
+#define TIE 4
+#define SAVE 5
+
+#define A 1
+#define B 2
+#define C 3
+#define D 4
+#define E 5
+#define F 6
+#define G 7
+#define H 8
+#define J 9
+#define K 10
+#define L 11
+#define M 12
+#define N 13
+#define O 14
+#define P 15
+#define Q 16
+#define R 17
+#define S 18
+#define T 19
+
+#define PT(x,y) ((x) + BSZ1 * (y))
+
+/*
+ * A 'frame' is a group of five or six contiguous board locations.
+ * An open ended frame is one with spaces on both ends; otherwise, its closed.
+ * A 'combo' is a group of intersecting frames and consists of two numbers:
+ * 'A' is the number of moves to make the combo non-blockable.
+ * 'B' is the minimum number of moves needed to win once it can't be blocked.
+ * A 'force' is a combo that is one move away from being non-blockable
+ *
+ * Single frame combo values:
+ * <A,B> board values
+ * 5,0 . . . . . O
+ * 4,1 . . . . . .
+ * 4,0 . . . . X O
+ * 3,1 . . . . X .
+ * 3,0 . . . X X O
+ * 2,1 . . . X X .
+ * 2,0 . . X X X O
+ * 1,1 . . X X X .
+ * 1,0 . X X X X O
+ * 0,1 . X X X X .
+ * 0,0 X X X X X O
+ *
+ * The rule for combining two combos (<A1,B1> <A2,B2>)
+ * with V valid intersection points, is:
+ * A' = A1 + A2 - 2 - V
+ * B' = MIN(A1 + B1 - 1, A2 + B2 - 1)
+ * Each time a frame is added to the combo, the number of moves to complete
+ * the force is the number of moves needed to 'fill' the frame plus one at
+ * the intersection point. The number of moves to win is the number of moves
+ * to complete the best frame minus the last move to complete the force.
+ * Note that it doesn't make sense to combine a <1,x> with anything since
+ * it is already a force. Also, the frames have to be independent so a
+ * single move doesn't affect more than one frame making up the combo.
+ *
+ * Rules for comparing which of two combos (<A1,B1> <A2,B2>) is better:
+ * Both the same color:
+ * <A',B'> = (A1 < A2 || A1 == A2 && B1 <= B2) ? <A1,B1> : <A2,B2>
+ * We want to complete the force first, then the combo with the
+ * fewest moves to win.
+ * Different colors, <A1,B1> is the combo for the player with the next move:
+ * <A',B'> = A2 <= 1 && (A1 > 1 || A2 + B2 < A1 + B1) ? <A2,B2> : <A1,B1>
+ * We want to block only if we have to (i.e., if they are one move away
+ * from completing a force and we don't have a force that we can
+ * complete which takes fewer or the same number of moves to win).
+ */
+
+#define MAXA 6
+#define MAXB 2
+#define MAXCOMBO 0x600
+
+union comboval {
+ struct {
+#if BYTE_ORDER == BIG_ENDIAN
+ u_char a; /* # moves to complete force */
+ u_char b; /* # moves to win */
+#endif
+#if BYTE_ORDER == LITTLE_ENDIAN
+ u_char b; /* # moves to win */
+ u_char a; /* # moves to complete force */
+#endif
+ } c;
+ u_short s;
+};
+
+/*
+ * This structure is used to record information about single frames (F) and
+ * combinations of two more frames (C).
+ * For combinations of two or more frames, there is an additional
+ * array of pointers to the frames of the combination which is sorted
+ * by the index into the frames[] array. This is used to prevent duplication
+ * since frame A combined with B is the same as B with A.
+ * struct combostr *c_sort[size c_nframes];
+ * The leaves of the tree (frames) are numbered 0 (bottom, leftmost)
+ * to c_nframes - 1 (top, right). This is stored in c_frameindex and
+ * c_dir if C_LOOP is set.
+ */
+struct combostr {
+ struct combostr *c_next; /* list of combos at the same level */
+ struct combostr *c_prev; /* list of combos at the same level */
+ struct combostr *c_link[2]; /* C:previous level or F:NULL */
+ union comboval c_linkv[2]; /* C:combo value for link[0,1] */
+ union comboval c_combo; /* C:combo value for this level */
+ u_short c_vertex; /* C:intersection or F:frame head */
+ u_char c_nframes; /* number of frames in the combo */
+ u_char c_dir; /* C:loop frame or F:frame direction */
+ u_char c_flg; /* C:combo flags */
+ u_char c_frameindex; /* C:intersection frame index */
+ u_char c_framecnt[2]; /* number of frames left to attach */
+ u_char c_emask[2]; /* C:bit mask of completion spots for
+ * link[0] and link[1] */
+ u_char c_voff[2]; /* C:vertex offset within frame */
+};
+
+/* flag values for c_flg */
+#define C_OPEN_0 0x01 /* link[0] is an open ended frame */
+#define C_OPEN_1 0x02 /* link[1] is an open ended frame */
+#define C_LOOP 0x04 /* link[1] intersects previous frame */
+#define C_MARK 0x08 /* indicates combo processed */
+
+/*
+ * This structure is used for recording the completion points of
+ * multi frame combos.
+ */
+struct elist {
+ struct elist *e_next; /* list of completion points */
+ struct combostr *e_combo; /* the whole combo */
+ u_char e_off; /* offset in frame of this empty spot */
+ u_char e_frameindex; /* intersection frame index */
+ u_char e_framecnt; /* number of frames left to attach */
+ u_char e_emask; /* real value of the frame's emask */
+ union comboval e_fval; /* frame combo value */
+};
+
+/*
+ * One spot structure for each location on the board.
+ * A frame consists of the combination for the current spot plus the five spots
+ * 0: right, 1: right & down, 2: down, 3: down & left.
+ */
+struct spotstr {
+ short s_occ; /* color of occupant */
+ short s_wval; /* weighted value */
+ int s_flg; /* flags for graph walks */
+ struct combostr *s_frame[4]; /* level 1 combo for frame[dir] */
+ union comboval s_fval[2][4]; /* combo value for [color][frame] */
+ union comboval s_combo[2]; /* minimum combo value for BLK & WHT */
+ u_char s_level[2]; /* number of frames in the min combo */
+ u_char s_nforce[2]; /* number of <1,x> combos */
+ struct elist *s_empty; /* level n combo completion spots */
+ struct elist *s_nempty; /* level n+1 combo completion spots */
+ int dummy[2]; /* XXX */
+};
+
+/* flag values for s_flg */
+#define CFLAG 0x000001 /* frame is part of a combo */
+#define CFLAGALL 0x00000F /* all frame directions marked */
+#define IFLAG 0x000010 /* legal intersection point */
+#define IFLAGALL 0x0000F0 /* any intersection points? */
+#define FFLAG 0x000100 /* frame is part of a <1,x> combo */
+#define FFLAGALL 0x000F00 /* all force frames */
+#define MFLAG 0x001000 /* frame has already been seen */
+#define MFLAGALL 0x00F000 /* all frames seen */
+#define BFLAG 0x010000 /* frame intersects border or dead */
+#define BFLAGALL 0x0F0000 /* all frames dead */
+
+/*
+ * This structure is used to store overlap information between frames.
+ */
+struct ovlp_info {
+ int o_intersect; /* intersection spot */
+ struct combostr *o_fcombo; /* the connecting combo */
+ u_char o_link; /* which link to update (0 or 1) */
+ u_char o_off; /* offset in frame of intersection */
+ u_char o_frameindex; /* intersection frame index */
+};
+
+extern const char *letters;
+extern char fmtbuf[];
+extern const char pdir[];
+
+extern const int dd[4];
+extern struct spotstr board[BAREA]; /* info for board */
+extern struct combostr frames[FAREA]; /* storage for single frames */
+extern struct combostr *sortframes[2]; /* sorted, non-empty frames */
+extern u_char overlap[FAREA * FAREA]; /* frame [a][b] overlap */
+extern short intersect[FAREA * FAREA]; /* frame [a][b] intersection */
+extern int movelog[BSZ * BSZ]; /* history of moves */
+extern int movenum;
+extern int debug;
+
+#define ASSERT(x)
+
+void bdinit(struct spotstr *);
+void init_overlap(void);
+int g_getline(char *, int);
+void ask(const char *);
+void dislog(const char *);
+void bdump(FILE *);
+void bdisp(void);
+void bdisp_init(void);
+void cursfini(void);
+void cursinit(void);
+void bdwho(int);
+void panic(const char *) __attribute__((__noreturn__));
+void glog(const char *);
+void dlog(const char *);
+void quit(void) __attribute__((__noreturn__));
+void quitsig(int) __attribute__((__noreturn__));
+void whatsup(int);
+int readinput(FILE *);
+const char *stoc(int);
+int lton(int);
+int ctos(const char *);
+void update_overlap(struct spotstr *);
+int makemove(int, int);
+int list_eq(struct combostr **, struct combostr **, int);
+void clearcombo(struct combostr *, int);
+void makeempty(struct combostr *);
+void appendcombo(struct combostr *, int);
+void updatecombo(struct combostr *, int);
+void markcombo(struct combostr *);
+void printcombo(struct combostr *, char *);
+void makecombo(struct combostr *, struct spotstr *, int, int);
+void makecombo2(struct combostr *, struct spotstr *, int, int);
+int sortcombo(struct combostr **, struct combostr **, struct combostr *);
+int checkframes(struct combostr *, struct combostr *, struct spotstr *,
+ int, struct ovlp_info *);
+void addframes(int);
+void scanframes(int);
+int better(const struct spotstr *, const struct spotstr *, int);
+int pickmove(int);
Index: bsd-games/create-2.17-patch/bsd-games-2.17-new/gomoku/main.c
===================================================================
--- bsd-games/create-2.17-patch/bsd-games-2.17-new/gomoku/main.c (nonexistent)
+++ bsd-games/create-2.17-patch/bsd-games-2.17-new/gomoku/main.c (revision 5)
@@ -0,0 +1,550 @@
+/* $NetBSD: main.c,v 1.12 2004/01/27 20:30:29 jsm Exp $ */
+
+/*
+ * Copyright (c) 1994
+ * The Regents of the University of California. All rights reserved.
+ *
+ * This code is derived from software contributed to Berkeley by
+ * Ralph Campbell.
+ *
+ * Redistribution and use in source and binary forms, with or without
+ * modification, are permitted provided that the following conditions
+ * are met:
+ * 1. Redistributions of source code must retain the above copyright
+ * notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer.
+ * 2. Redistributions in binary form must reproduce the above copyright
+ * notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer in the
+ * documentation and/or other materials provided with the distribution.
+ * 3. Neither the name of the University nor the names of its contributors
+ * may be used to endorse or promote products derived from this software
+ * without specific prior written permission.
+ *
+ * THIS SOFTWARE IS PROVIDED BY THE REGENTS AND CONTRIBUTORS ``AS IS'' AND
+ * ANY EXPRESS OR IMPLIED WARRANTIES, INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, THE
+ * IMPLIED WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTABILITY AND FITNESS FOR A PARTICULAR PURPOSE
+ * ARE DISCLAIMED. IN NO EVENT SHALL THE REGENTS OR CONTRIBUTORS BE LIABLE
+ * FOR ANY DIRECT, INDIRECT, INCIDENTAL, SPECIAL, EXEMPLARY, OR CONSEQUENTIAL
+ * DAMAGES (INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, PROCUREMENT OF SUBSTITUTE GOODS
+ * OR SERVICES; LOSS OF USE, DATA, OR PROFITS; OR BUSINESS INTERRUPTION)
+ * HOWEVER CAUSED AND ON ANY THEORY OF LIABILITY, WHETHER IN CONTRACT, STRICT
+ * LIABILITY, OR TORT (INCLUDING NEGLIGENCE OR OTHERWISE) ARISING IN ANY WAY
+ * OUT OF THE USE OF THIS SOFTWARE, EVEN IF ADVISED OF THE POSSIBILITY OF
+ * SUCH DAMAGE.
+ */
+
+#include <sys/cdefs.h>
+#ifndef lint
+__COPYRIGHT("@(#) Copyright (c) 1994\n\
+ The Regents of the University of California. All rights reserved.\n");
+#endif /* not lint */
+
+#ifndef lint
+#if 0
+static char sccsid[] = "@(#)main.c 8.4 (Berkeley) 5/4/95";
+#else
+__RCSID("$NetBSD: main.c,v 1.12 2004/01/27 20:30:29 jsm Exp $");
+#endif
+#endif /* not lint */
+
+#include <curses.h>
+#include <err.h>
+#include <signal.h>
+#include <stdlib.h>
+#include <string.h>
+#include <time.h>
+#include <unistd.h>
+
+#include "gomoku.h"
+
+#define USER 0 /* get input from standard input */
+#define PROGRAM 1 /* get input from program */
+#define INPUTF 2 /* get input from a file */
+
+int interactive = 1; /* true if interactive */
+int debug; /* true if debugging */
+int test; /* both moves come from 1: input, 2: computer */
+char *prog; /* name of program */
+FILE *debugfp; /* file for debug output */
+FILE *inputfp; /* file for debug input */
+
+const char pdir[4] = "-\\|/";
+char fmtbuf[128];
+
+struct spotstr board[BAREA]; /* info for board */
+struct combostr frames[FAREA]; /* storage for all frames */
+struct combostr *sortframes[2]; /* sorted list of non-empty frames */
+u_char overlap[FAREA * FAREA]; /* true if frame [a][b] overlap */
+short intersect[FAREA * FAREA]; /* frame [a][b] intersection */
+int movelog[BSZ * BSZ]; /* log of all the moves */
+int movenum; /* current move number */
+const char *plyr[2]; /* who's who */
+
+int main(int, char *[]);
+
+int
+main(argc, argv)
+ int argc;
+ char **argv;
+{
+ char buf[128];
+ int color, curmove, i, ch;
+ int input[2];
+ static const char *const fmt[2] = {
+ "%3d %-6s",
+ "%3d %-6s"
+ };
+
+ /* Revoke setgid privileges */
+ setregid(getgid(), getgid());
+
+ color = curmove = 0;
+
+ prog = strrchr(argv[0], '/');
+ if (prog)
+ prog++;
+ else
+ prog = argv[0];
+
+ while ((ch = getopt(argc, argv, "bcdD:u")) != -1) {
+ switch (ch) {
+ case 'b': /* background */
+ interactive = 0;
+ break;
+ case 'd': /* debugging */
+ debug++;
+ break;
+ case 'D': /* log debug output to file */
+ if ((debugfp = fopen(optarg, "w")) == NULL)
+ err(1, "%s", optarg);
+ break;
+ case 'u': /* testing: user verses user */
+ test = 1;
+ break;
+ case 'c': /* testing: computer verses computer */
+ test = 2;
+ break;
+ }
+ }
+ argc -= optind;
+ argv += optind;
+ if (argc) {
+ if ((inputfp = fopen(*argv, "r")) == NULL)
+ err(1, "%s", *argv);
+ }
+
+ if (!debug)
+#ifdef SVR4
+ srand(time(0));
+#else
+ srandom(time(0));
+#endif
+ if (interactive)
+ cursinit(); /* initialize curses */
+again:
+ bdinit(board); /* initialize board contents */
+
+ if (interactive) {
+ plyr[BLACK] = plyr[WHITE] = "???";
+ bdisp_init(); /* initialize display of board */
+#ifdef DEBUG
+ signal(SIGINT, whatsup);
+#else
+ signal(SIGINT, quitsig);
+#endif
+
+ if (inputfp == NULL && test == 0) {
+ for (;;) {
+ ask("black or white? ");
+ g_getline(buf, sizeof(buf));
+ if (buf[0] == 'b' || buf[0] == 'B') {
+ color = BLACK;
+ break;
+ }
+ if (buf[0] == 'w' || buf[0] == 'W') {
+ color = WHITE;
+ break;
+ }
+ move(22, 0);
+ printw("Black moves first. Please enter `black' or `white'\n");
+ }
+ move(22, 0);
+ clrtoeol();
+ }
+ } else {
+ setbuf(stdout, 0);
+ g_getline(buf, sizeof(buf));
+ if (strcmp(buf, "black") == 0)
+ color = BLACK;
+ else if (strcmp(buf, "white") == 0)
+ color = WHITE;
+ else {
+ sprintf(fmtbuf,
+ "Huh? Expected `black' or `white', got `%s'\n",
+ buf);
+ panic(fmtbuf);
+ }
+ }
+
+ if (inputfp) {
+ input[BLACK] = INPUTF;
+ input[WHITE] = INPUTF;
+ } else {
+ switch (test) {
+ case 0: /* user verses program */
+ input[color] = USER;
+ input[!color] = PROGRAM;
+ break;
+
+ case 1: /* user verses user */
+ input[BLACK] = USER;
+ input[WHITE] = USER;
+ break;
+
+ case 2: /* program verses program */
+ input[BLACK] = PROGRAM;
+ input[WHITE] = PROGRAM;
+ break;
+ }
+ }
+ if (interactive) {
+ plyr[BLACK] = input[BLACK] == USER ? "you" : prog;
+ plyr[WHITE] = input[WHITE] == USER ? "you" : prog;
+ bdwho(1);
+ }
+
+ for (color = BLACK; ; color = !color) {
+ top:
+ switch (input[color]) {
+ case INPUTF: /* input comes from a file */
+ curmove = readinput(inputfp);
+ if (curmove != ILLEGAL)
+ break;
+ switch (test) {
+ case 0: /* user verses program */
+ input[color] = USER;
+ input[!color] = PROGRAM;
+ break;
+
+ case 1: /* user verses user */
+ input[BLACK] = USER;
+ input[WHITE] = USER;
+ break;
+
+ case 2: /* program verses program */
+ input[BLACK] = PROGRAM;
+ input[WHITE] = PROGRAM;
+ break;
+ }
+ plyr[BLACK] = input[BLACK] == USER ? "you" : prog;
+ plyr[WHITE] = input[WHITE] == USER ? "you" : prog;
+ bdwho(1);
+ goto top;
+
+ case USER: /* input comes from standard input */
+ getinput:
+ if (interactive)
+ ask("move? ");
+ if (!g_getline(buf, sizeof(buf))) {
+ curmove = RESIGN;
+ break;
+ }
+ if (buf[0] == '\0')
+ goto getinput;
+ curmove = ctos(buf);
+ if (interactive) {
+ if (curmove == SAVE) {
+ FILE *fp;
+
+ ask("save file name? ");
+ (void)g_getline(buf, sizeof(buf));
+ if ((fp = fopen(buf, "w")) == NULL) {
+ glog("cannot create save file");
+ goto getinput;
+ }
+ for (i = 0; i < movenum - 1; i++)
+ fprintf(fp, "%s\n",
+ stoc(movelog[i]));
+ fclose(fp);
+ goto getinput;
+ }
+ if (curmove != RESIGN &&
+ board[curmove].s_occ != EMPTY) {
+ glog("Illegal move");
+ goto getinput;
+ }
+ }
+ break;
+
+ case PROGRAM: /* input comes from the program */
+ curmove = pickmove(color);
+ break;
+ }
+ if (interactive) {
+ sprintf(fmtbuf, fmt[color], movenum, stoc(curmove));
+ glog(fmtbuf);
+ }
+ if ((i = makemove(color, curmove)) != MOVEOK)
+ break;
+ if (interactive)
+ bdisp();
+ }
+ if (interactive) {
+ move(22, 0);
+ switch (i) {
+ case WIN:
+ if (input[color] == PROGRAM)
+ addstr("Ha ha, I won");
+ else
+ addstr("Rats! you won");
+ break;
+ case TIE:
+ addstr("Wow! its a tie");
+ break;
+ case ILLEGAL:
+ addstr("Illegal move");
+ break;
+ }
+ clrtoeol();
+ bdisp();
+ if (i != RESIGN) {
+ replay:
+ ask("replay? ");
+ if (g_getline(buf, sizeof(buf)) &&
+ (buf[0] == 'y' || buf[0] == 'Y'))
+ goto again;
+ if (strcmp(buf, "save") == 0) {
+ FILE *fp;
+
+ ask("save file name? ");
+ (void)g_getline(buf, sizeof(buf));
+ if ((fp = fopen(buf, "w")) == NULL) {
+ glog("cannot create save file");
+ goto replay;
+ }
+ for (i = 0; i < movenum - 1; i++)
+ fprintf(fp, "%s\n",
+ stoc(movelog[i]));
+ fclose(fp);
+ goto replay;
+ }
+ }
+ }
+ quit();
+ /* NOTREACHED */
+ return(0);
+}
+
+int
+readinput(fp)
+ FILE *fp;
+{
+ char *cp;
+ int c;
+
+ cp = fmtbuf;
+ while ((c = getc(fp)) != EOF && c != '\n')
+ *cp++ = c;
+ *cp = '\0';
+ return (ctos(fmtbuf));
+}
+
+#ifdef DEBUG
+/*
+ * Handle strange situations.
+ */
+void
+whatsup(signum)
+ int signum;
+{
+ int i, pnum, n, s1, s2, d1, d2;
+ struct spotstr *sp;
+ FILE *fp;
+ char *str;
+ struct elist *ep;
+ struct combostr *cbp;
+
+ if (!interactive)
+ quit();
+top:
+ ask("cmd? ");
+ if (!g_getline(fmtbuf, sizeof(fmtbuf)))
+ quit();
+ switch (*fmtbuf) {
+ case '\0':
+ goto top;
+ case 'q': /* conservative quit */
+ quit();
+ case 'd': /* set debug level */
+ debug = fmtbuf[1] - '0';
+ sprintf(fmtbuf, "Debug set to %d", debug);
+ dlog(fmtbuf);
+ sleep(1);
+ case 'c':
+ break;
+ case 'b': /* back up a move */
+ if (movenum > 1) {
+ movenum--;
+ board[movelog[movenum - 1]].s_occ = EMPTY;
+ bdisp();
+ }
+ goto top;
+ case 's': /* suggest a move */
+ i = fmtbuf[1] == 'b' ? BLACK : WHITE;
+ sprintf(fmtbuf, "suggest %c %s", i == BLACK ? 'B' : 'W',
+ stoc(pickmove(i)));
+ dlog(fmtbuf);
+ goto top;
+ case 'f': /* go forward a move */
+ board[movelog[movenum - 1]].s_occ = movenum & 1 ? BLACK : WHITE;
+ movenum++;
+ bdisp();
+ goto top;
+ case 'l': /* print move history */
+ if (fmtbuf[1] == '\0') {
+ for (i = 0; i < movenum - 1; i++)
+ dlog(stoc(movelog[i]));
+ goto top;
+ }
+ if ((fp = fopen(fmtbuf + 1, "w")) == NULL)
+ goto top;
+ for (i = 0; i < movenum - 1; i++) {
+ fprintf(fp, "%s", stoc(movelog[i]));
+ if (++i < movenum - 1)
+ fprintf(fp, " %s\n", stoc(movelog[i]));
+ else
+ fputc('\n', fp);
+ }
+ bdump(fp);
+ fclose(fp);
+ goto top;
+ case 'o':
+ n = 0;
+ for (str = fmtbuf + 1; *str; str++)
+ if (*str == ',') {
+ for (d1 = 0; d1 < 4; d1++)
+ if (str[-1] == pdir[d1])
+ break;
+ str[-1] = '\0';
+ sp = &board[s1 = ctos(fmtbuf + 1)];
+ n = (sp->s_frame[d1] - frames) * FAREA;
+ *str++ = '\0';
+ break;
+ }
+ sp = &board[s2 = ctos(str)];
+ while (*str)
+ str++;
+ for (d2 = 0; d2 < 4; d2++)
+ if (str[-1] == pdir[d2])
+ break;
+ n += sp->s_frame[d2] - frames;
+ str = fmtbuf;
+ sprintf(str, "overlap %s%c,", stoc(s1), pdir[d1]);
+ str += strlen(str);
+ sprintf(str, "%s%c = %x", stoc(s2), pdir[d2], overlap[n]);
+ dlog(fmtbuf);
+ goto top;
+ case 'p':
+ sp = &board[i = ctos(fmtbuf + 1)];
+ sprintf(fmtbuf, "V %s %x/%d %d %x/%d %d %d %x", stoc(i),
+ sp->s_combo[BLACK].s, sp->s_level[BLACK],
+ sp->s_nforce[BLACK],
+ sp->s_combo[WHITE].s, sp->s_level[WHITE],
+ sp->s_nforce[WHITE], sp->s_wval, sp->s_flg);
+ dlog(fmtbuf);
+ sprintf(fmtbuf, "FB %s %x %x %x %x", stoc(i),
+ sp->s_fval[BLACK][0].s, sp->s_fval[BLACK][1].s,
+ sp->s_fval[BLACK][2].s, sp->s_fval[BLACK][3].s);
+ dlog(fmtbuf);
+ sprintf(fmtbuf, "FW %s %x %x %x %x", stoc(i),
+ sp->s_fval[WHITE][0].s, sp->s_fval[WHITE][1].s,
+ sp->s_fval[WHITE][2].s, sp->s_fval[WHITE][3].s);
+ dlog(fmtbuf);
+ goto top;
+ case 'e': /* e {b|w} [0-9] spot */
+ str = fmtbuf + 1;
+ if (*str >= '0' && *str <= '9')
+ n = *str++ - '0';
+ else
+ n = 0;
+ sp = &board[i = ctos(str)];
+ for (ep = sp->s_empty; ep; ep = ep->e_next) {
+ cbp = ep->e_combo;
+ if (n) {
+ if (cbp->c_nframes > n)
+ continue;
+ if (cbp->c_nframes != n)
+ break;
+ }
+ printcombo(cbp, fmtbuf);
+ dlog(fmtbuf);
+ }
+ goto top;
+ default:
+syntax:
+ dlog("Options are:");
+ dlog("q - quit");
+ dlog("c - continue");
+ dlog("d# - set debug level to #");
+ dlog("p# - print values at #");
+ goto top;
+ }
+}
+#endif /* DEBUG */
+
+/*
+ * Display debug info.
+ */
+void
+dlog(str)
+ const char *str;
+{
+
+ if (debugfp)
+ fprintf(debugfp, "%s\n", str);
+ if (interactive)
+ dislog(str);
+ else
+ fprintf(stderr, "%s\n", str);
+}
+
+void
+glog(str)
+ const char *str;
+{
+
+ if (debugfp)
+ fprintf(debugfp, "%s\n", str);
+ if (interactive)
+ dislog(str);
+ else
+ printf("%s\n", str);
+}
+
+void
+quit()
+{
+ if (interactive) {
+ bdisp(); /* show final board */
+ cursfini();
+ }
+ exit(0);
+}
+
+void
+quitsig(dummy)
+ int dummy __attribute__((__unused__));
+{
+ quit();
+}
+
+/*
+ * Die gracefully.
+ */
+void
+panic(str)
+ const char *str;
+{
+ fprintf(stderr, "%s: %s\n", prog, str);
+ fputs("resign\n", stdout);
+ quit();
+}
Index: bsd-games/create-2.17-patch/bsd-games-2.17-new/gomoku
===================================================================
--- bsd-games/create-2.17-patch/bsd-games-2.17-new/gomoku (nonexistent)
+++ bsd-games/create-2.17-patch/bsd-games-2.17-new/gomoku (revision 5)
Property changes on: bsd-games/create-2.17-patch/bsd-games-2.17-new/gomoku
___________________________________________________________________
Added: svn:ignore
## -0,0 +1,73 ##
+
+# install dir
+dist
+
+# Target build dirs
+.a1x-newlib
+.a2x-newlib
+.at91sam7s-newlib
+
+.build-machine
+
+.a1x-glibc
+.a2x-glibc
+.h3-glibc
+.h5-glibc
+.i586-glibc
+.i686-glibc
+.imx6-glibc
+.jz47xx-glibc
+.makefile
+.am335x-glibc
+.omap543x-glibc
+.p5600-glibc
+.power8-glibc
+.power8le-glibc
+.power9-glibc
+.power9le-glibc
+.m1000-glibc
+.riscv64-glibc
+.rk328x-glibc
+.rk33xx-glibc
+.rk339x-glibc
+.s8xx-glibc
+.s9xx-glibc
+.x86_64-glibc
+
+# Hidden files (each file)
+.makefile
+.dist
+.rootfs
+
+# src & hw requires
+.src_requires
+.src_requires_depend
+.requires
+.requires_depend
+
+# Tarballs
+*.gz
+*.bz2
+*.lz
+*.xz
+*.tgz
+*.txz
+
+# Signatures
+*.asc
+*.sig
+*.sign
+*.sha1sum
+
+# Patches
+*.patch
+
+# Descriptions
+*.dsc
+*.txt
+
+# Default linux config files
+*.defconfig
+
+# backup copies
+*~
Index: bsd-games/create-2.17-patch/bsd-games-2.17-new/hack/Makequest
===================================================================
--- bsd-games/create-2.17-patch/bsd-games-2.17-new/hack/Makequest (nonexistent)
+++ bsd-games/create-2.17-patch/bsd-games-2.17-new/hack/Makequest (revision 5)
@@ -0,0 +1,198 @@
+# $NetBSD: Makequest,v 1.2 1995/03/23 08:29:08 cgd Exp $
+#
+# Hack or Quest Makefile.
+
+# on some systems the termcap library is in -ltermcap
+TERMLIB = -ltermlib
+
+
+# make hack
+GAME = quest
+GAMEDIR = /usr/games/lib/questdir
+CFLAGS = -g -DQUEST
+HACKCSRC = hack.Decl.c\
+ hack.apply.c hack.bones.c hack.c hack.cmd.c hack.do.c\
+ hack.do_name.c hack.do_wear.c hack.dog.c hack.eat.c hack.end.c\
+ hack.engrave.c hack.fight.c hack.invent.c hack.ioctl.c\
+ hack.lev.c hack.main.c hack.makemon.c hack.mhitu.c\
+ hack.mklev.c hack.mkmaze.c hack.mkobj.c hack.mkshop.c\
+ hack.mon.c hack.monst.c hack.o_init.c hack.objnam.c\
+ hack.options.c hack.pager.c hack.potion.c hack.pri.c\
+ hack.read.c hack.rip.c hack.rumors.c hack.save.c\
+ hack.search.c hack.shk.c hack.shknam.c hack.steal.c\
+ hack.termcap.c hack.timeout.c hack.topl.c\
+ hack.track.c hack.trap.c hack.tty.c hack.unix.c\
+ hack.u_init.c hack.vault.c\
+ hack.wield.c hack.wizard.c hack.worm.c hack.worn.c hack.zap.c\
+ hack.version.c rnd.c alloc.c
+
+CSOURCES = $(HACKCSRC) makedefs.c
+
+HSOURCES = hack.h hack.mfndpos.h config.h\
+ def.edog.h def.eshk.h def.flag.h def.func_tab.h def.gold.h\
+ def.mkroom.h\
+ def.monst.h def.obj.h def.objclass.h def.objects.h\
+ def.permonst.h def.rm.h def.trap.h def.wseg.h
+
+SOURCES = $(CSOURCES) $(HSOURCES)
+
+AUX = data help hh rumors hack.6 hack.sh
+
+DISTR = $(SOURCES) $(AUX) READ_ME Makefile date.h hack.onames.h
+
+HOBJ = hack.Decl.o hack.apply.o hack.bones.o hack.o hack.cmd.o hack.do.o\
+ hack.do_name.o hack.do_wear.o hack.dog.o hack.eat.o hack.end.o\
+ hack.engrave.o hack.fight.o hack.invent.o hack.ioctl.o\
+ hack.lev.o hack.main.o hack.makemon.o hack.mhitu.o hack.mklev.o\
+ hack.mkmaze.o hack.mkobj.o hack.mkshop.o hack.mon.o\
+ hack.monst.o hack.o_init.o hack.objnam.o hack.options.o\
+ hack.pager.o hack.potion.o hack.pri.o\
+ hack.read.o hack.rip.o hack.rumors.o hack.save.o\
+ hack.search.o hack.shk.o hack.shknam.o hack.steal.o\
+ hack.termcap.o hack.timeout.o hack.topl.o\
+ hack.track.o hack.trap.o\
+ hack.tty.o hack.unix.o hack.u_init.o hack.vault.o hack.wield.o\
+ hack.wizard.o hack.worm.o hack.worn.o hack.zap.o\
+ hack.version.o rnd.o alloc.o
+
+$(GAME): $(HOBJ) Makefile
+ @echo "Loading ..."
+ @ld -X -o $(GAME) /lib/crt0.o $(HOBJ) $(TERMLIB) -lc
+
+all: $(GAME) lint
+ @echo "Done."
+
+makedefs: makedefs.c
+ $(BUILD_CC) -o makedefs makedefs.c
+
+
+hack.onames.h: makedefs def.objects.h
+ makedefs > hack.onames.h
+
+lint:
+# lint cannot have -p here because (i) capitals are meaningful:
+# [Ww]izard, (ii) identifiers may coincide in the first six places:
+# doweararm() versus dowearring().
+# _flsbuf comes from <stdio.h>, a bug in the system libraries.
+ @echo lint -axbh -DLINT ...
+ @lint -axbh -DLINT $(HACKCSRC) | sed '/_flsbuf/d'
+
+
+diff:
+ @- for i in $(SOURCES) $(AUX) ; do \
+ cmp -s $$i $D/$$i || \
+ ( echo diff $D/$$i $$i ; diff $D/$$i $$i ; echo ) ; done
+
+distribution: Makefile
+ @- for i in READ_ME $(SOURCES) $(AUX) Makefile date.h hack.onames.h\
+ ; do \
+ cmp -s $$i $D/$$i || \
+ ( echo cp $$i $D ; cp $$i $D ) ; done
+# the distribution directory also contains the empty files perm and record.
+
+
+install:
+ rm -f $(GAMEDIR)/$(GAME)
+ cp $(GAME) $(GAMEDIR)/$(GAME)
+ chmod 04511 $(GAMEDIR)/$(GAME)
+ rm -f $(GAMEDIR)/bones*
+# cp hack.6 /usr/man/man6
+
+clean:
+ rm -f *.o
+
+
+depend:
+# For the moment we are lazy and disregard /usr/include files because
+# the sources contain them conditionally. Perhaps we should use cpp.
+# ( /bin/grep '^#[ ]*include' $$i | sed -n \
+# -e 's,<\(.*\)>,"/usr/include/\1",' \
+#
+ for i in ${CSOURCES}; do \
+ ( /bin/grep '^#[ ]*include[ ]*"' $$i | sed -n \
+ -e 's/[^"]*"\([^"]*\)".*/\1/' \
+ -e H -e '$$g' -e '$$s/\n/ /g' \
+ -e '$$s/.*/'$$i': &/' -e '$$s/\.c:/.o:/p' \
+ >> makedep); done
+ for i in ${HSOURCES}; do \
+ ( /bin/grep '^#[ ]*include[ ]*"' $$i | sed -n \
+ -e 's/[^"]*"\([^"]*\)".*/\1/' \
+ -e H -e '$$g' -e '$$s/\n/ /g' \
+ -e '$$s/.*/'$$i': &\
+ touch '$$i/p \
+ >> makedep); done
+ @echo '/^# DO NOT DELETE THIS LINE/+2,$$d' >eddep
+ @echo '$$r makedep' >>eddep
+ @echo 'w' >>eddep
+ @cp Makefile Makefile.bak
+ ed - Makefile < eddep
+ @rm -f eddep makedep
+ @echo '# DEPENDENCIES MUST END AT END OF FILE' >> Makefile
+ @echo '# IF YOU PUT STUFF HERE IT WILL GO AWAY' >> Makefile
+ @echo '# see make depend above' >> Makefile
+ - diff Makefile Makefile.bak
+ @rm -f Makefile.bak
+
+# DO NOT DELETE THIS LINE
+
+hack.Decl.o: hack.h def.mkroom.h
+hack.apply.o: hack.h def.edog.h def.mkroom.h
+hack.bones.o: hack.h
+hack.o: hack.h
+hack.cmd.o: hack.h def.func_tab.h
+hack.do.o: hack.h
+hack.do_name.o: hack.h
+hack.do_wear.o: hack.h
+hack.dog.o: hack.h hack.mfndpos.h def.edog.h def.mkroom.h
+hack.eat.o: hack.h
+hack.end.o: hack.h
+hack.engrave.o: hack.h
+hack.fight.o: hack.h
+hack.invent.o: hack.h def.wseg.h
+hack.ioctl.o: config.h
+hack.lev.o: hack.h def.mkroom.h def.wseg.h
+hack.main.o: hack.h
+hack.makemon.o: hack.h
+hack.mhitu.o: hack.h
+hack.mklev.o: hack.h def.mkroom.h
+hack.mkmaze.o: hack.h def.mkroom.h
+hack.mkobj.o: hack.h
+hack.mkshop.o: hack.h def.mkroom.h def.eshk.h
+hack.mon.o: hack.h hack.mfndpos.h
+hack.monst.o: hack.h def.eshk.h
+hack.o_init.o: config.h def.objects.h hack.onames.h
+hack.objnam.o: hack.h
+hack.options.o: config.h hack.h
+hack.pager.o: hack.h
+hack.potion.o: hack.h
+hack.pri.o: hack.h def.wseg.h
+hack.read.o: hack.h
+hack.rip.o: hack.h
+hack.rumors.o: hack.h
+hack.save.o: hack.h
+hack.search.o: hack.h
+hack.shk.o: hack.h hack.mfndpos.h def.mkroom.h def.eshk.h
+hack.shknam.o: hack.h
+hack.steal.o: hack.h
+hack.termcap.o: config.h def.flag.h
+hack.timeout.o: hack.h
+hack.topl.o: hack.h
+hack.track.o: hack.h
+hack.trap.o: hack.h def.mkroom.h
+hack.tty.o: hack.h
+hack.unix.o: hack.h def.mkroom.h
+hack.u_init.o: hack.h
+hack.vault.o: hack.h def.mkroom.h
+hack.wield.o: hack.h
+hack.wizard.o: hack.h
+hack.worm.o: hack.h def.wseg.h
+hack.worn.o: hack.h
+hack.zap.o: hack.h
+hack.version.o: date.h
+hack.h: config.h def.objclass.h def.monst.h def.gold.h def.trap.h def.obj.h def.flag.h def.rm.h def.permonst.h hack.onames.h
+ touch hack.h
+def.objects.h: config.h def.objclass.h
+ touch def.objects.h
+# DEPENDENCIES MUST END AT END OF FILE
+# IF YOU PUT STUFF HERE IT WILL GO AWAY
+# see make depend above
Index: bsd-games/create-2.17-patch/bsd-games-2.17-new/hack
===================================================================
--- bsd-games/create-2.17-patch/bsd-games-2.17-new/hack (nonexistent)
+++ bsd-games/create-2.17-patch/bsd-games-2.17-new/hack (revision 5)
Property changes on: bsd-games/create-2.17-patch/bsd-games-2.17-new/hack
___________________________________________________________________
Added: svn:ignore
## -0,0 +1,73 ##
+
+# install dir
+dist
+
+# Target build dirs
+.a1x-newlib
+.a2x-newlib
+.at91sam7s-newlib
+
+.build-machine
+
+.a1x-glibc
+.a2x-glibc
+.h3-glibc
+.h5-glibc
+.i586-glibc
+.i686-glibc
+.imx6-glibc
+.jz47xx-glibc
+.makefile
+.am335x-glibc
+.omap543x-glibc
+.p5600-glibc
+.power8-glibc
+.power8le-glibc
+.power9-glibc
+.power9le-glibc
+.m1000-glibc
+.riscv64-glibc
+.rk328x-glibc
+.rk33xx-glibc
+.rk339x-glibc
+.s8xx-glibc
+.s9xx-glibc
+.x86_64-glibc
+
+# Hidden files (each file)
+.makefile
+.dist
+.rootfs
+
+# src & hw requires
+.src_requires
+.src_requires_depend
+.requires
+.requires_depend
+
+# Tarballs
+*.gz
+*.bz2
+*.lz
+*.xz
+*.tgz
+*.txz
+
+# Signatures
+*.asc
+*.sig
+*.sign
+*.sha1sum
+
+# Patches
+*.patch
+
+# Descriptions
+*.dsc
+*.txt
+
+# Default linux config files
+*.defconfig
+
+# backup copies
+*~
Index: bsd-games/create-2.17-patch/bsd-games-2.17-new/mkdep
===================================================================
--- bsd-games/create-2.17-patch/bsd-games-2.17-new/mkdep (nonexistent)
+++ bsd-games/create-2.17-patch/bsd-games-2.17-new/mkdep (revision 5)
@@ -0,0 +1,52 @@
+#!/bin/sh
+# mkdep - create dependencies.
+#
+# Copyright (c) 1998, 2001 Joseph Samuel Myers.
+# All rights reserved.
+#
+# Redistribution and use in source and binary forms, with or without
+# modification, are permitted provided that the following conditions
+# are met:
+# 1. Redistributions of source code must retain the above copyright
+# notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer.
+# 2. Redistributions in binary form must reproduce the above copyright
+# notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer in the
+# documentation and/or other materials provided with the distribution.
+# 3. The name of the author may not be used to endorse or promote products
+# derived from this software without specific prior written permission.
+#
+# THIS SOFTWARE IS PROVIDED BY THE AUTHOR ``AS IS'' AND ANY EXPRESS OR
+# IMPLIED WARRANTIES, INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, THE IMPLIED WARRANTIES
+# OF MERCHANTABILITY AND FITNESS FOR A PARTICULAR PURPOSE ARE DISCLAIMED.
+# IN NO EVENT SHALL THE AUTHOR BE LIABLE FOR ANY DIRECT, INDIRECT,
+# INCIDENTAL, SPECIAL, EXEMPLARY, OR CONSEQUENTIAL DAMAGES (INCLUDING,
+# BUT NOT LIMITED TO, PROCUREMENT OF SUBSTITUTE GOODS OR SERVICES;
+# LOSS OF USE, DATA, OR PROFITS; OR BUSINESS INTERRUPTION) HOWEVER CAUSED
+# AND ON ANY THEORY OF LIABILITY, WHETHER IN CONTRACT, STRICT LIABILITY,
+# OR TORT (INCLUDING NEGLIGENCE OR OTHERWISE) ARISING IN ANY WAY
+# OUT OF THE USE OF THIS SOFTWARE, EVEN IF ADVISED OF THE POSSIBILITY OF
+# SUCH DAMAGE.
+
+# usage: mkdep source output compiler flags
+# e.g. mkdep foo/bar.c foo/bar.d gcc -g -O2 -DFOOBAR
+
+set -e
+
+source_file=$1
+base_name=${source_file%%.c}
+base_base_name=`basename $base_name`
+output_file=$2
+compiler=$3
+shift 3
+
+if test "`echo $compiler | grep ccache`" != "" ; then
+ compiler=$1
+ shift 1
+fi
+
+"$compiler" -M "$@" "$source_file" >"$output_file".tmp
+
+sed "s!^$base_base_name.o *:!$base_name.o :!g
+s!$base_name.o *:!$base_name.o $base_name.d:!g" <"$output_file".tmp >"$output_file"
+
+rm -f "$output_file".tmp
Property changes on: bsd-games/create-2.17-patch/bsd-games-2.17-new/mkdep
___________________________________________________________________
Added: svn:executable
## -0,0 +1 ##
+*
\ No newline at end of property
Index: bsd-games/create-2.17-patch/bsd-games-2.17-new/phantasia/Makefrag
===================================================================
--- bsd-games/create-2.17-patch/bsd-games-2.17-new/phantasia/Makefrag (nonexistent)
+++ bsd-games/create-2.17-patch/bsd-games-2.17-new/phantasia/Makefrag (revision 5)
@@ -0,0 +1,51 @@
+# Makefrag - makefile fragment for phantasia
+#
+# Copyright (c) 1997, 1998, 1999, 2001 Joseph Samuel Myers.
+# All rights reserved.
+#
+# Redistribution and use in source and binary forms, with or without
+# modification, are permitted provided that the following conditions
+# are met:
+# 1. Redistributions of source code must retain the above copyright
+# notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer.
+# 2. Redistributions in binary form must reproduce the above copyright
+# notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer in the
+# documentation and/or other materials provided with the distribution.
+# 3. The name of the author may not be used to endorse or promote products
+# derived from this software without specific prior written permission.
+#
+# THIS SOFTWARE IS PROVIDED BY THE AUTHOR ``AS IS'' AND ANY EXPRESS OR
+# IMPLIED WARRANTIES, INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, THE IMPLIED WARRANTIES
+# OF MERCHANTABILITY AND FITNESS FOR A PARTICULAR PURPOSE ARE DISCLAIMED.
+# IN NO EVENT SHALL THE AUTHOR BE LIABLE FOR ANY DIRECT, INDIRECT,
+# INCIDENTAL, SPECIAL, EXEMPLARY, OR CONSEQUENTIAL DAMAGES (INCLUDING,
+# BUT NOT LIMITED TO, PROCUREMENT OF SUBSTITUTE GOODS OR SERVICES;
+# LOSS OF USE, DATA, OR PROFITS; OR BUSINESS INTERRUPTION) HOWEVER CAUSED
+# AND ON ANY THEORY OF LIABILITY, WHETHER IN CONTRACT, STRICT LIABILITY,
+# OR TORT (INCLUDING NEGLIGENCE OR OTHERWISE) ARISING IN ANY WAY
+# OUT OF THE USE OF THIS SOFTWARE, EVEN IF ADVISED OF THE POSSIBILITY OF
+# SUCH DAMAGE.
+
+phantasia_DIRS := $(GAMESDIR) $(MAN6DIR) $(PHANTASIA_DIR)
+phantasia_VFILES1 := gold lastdead mess monsters motd void
+phantasia_VFILES2 := scoreboard characs
+phantasia_CLEANFILES := $(phantasia_VFILES1) $(phantasia_VFILES2) scorefiles.stamp
+
+phantasia_all: phantasia/phantasia phantasia/phantasia.6 phantasia/scorefiles.stamp
+
+phantasia/scorefiles.stamp: phantasia/setup phantasia/monsters.asc
+ cd phantasia && ./setup -m monsters.asc
+ touch phantasia/scorefiles.stamp
+
+phantasia_install: phantasia_all
+ $(INSTALL_SCORE_GAME) phantasia/phantasia $(INSTALL_PREFIX)$(GAMESDIR)/phantasia
+ $(HIDE_GAME) phantasia
+ (set -e; for f in $(phantasia_VFILES1); do \
+ cp phantasia/$$f $(INSTALL_PREFIX)$(PHANTASIA_DIR)/$$f; \
+ $(INSTALL_SCORE_FILE) $(PHANTASIA_DIR)/$$f; done)
+ (set -e; for f in $(phantasia_VFILES2); do \
+ if [ ! -e $(INSTALL_PREFIX)$(PHANTASIA_DIR)/$$f ]; then \
+ cp phantasia/$$f $(INSTALL_PREFIX)$(PHANTASIA_DIR)/$$f; fi; done; \
+ $(INSTALL_SCORE_FILE) $(PHANTASIA_DIR)/scoreboard; \
+ $(INSTALL_SCORE_FILE) -p $(PHANTASIA_DIR)/characs)
+ $(INSTALL_MANUAL) phantasia/phantasia.6
Index: bsd-games/create-2.17-patch/bsd-games-2.17-new/phantasia
===================================================================
--- bsd-games/create-2.17-patch/bsd-games-2.17-new/phantasia (nonexistent)
+++ bsd-games/create-2.17-patch/bsd-games-2.17-new/phantasia (revision 5)
Property changes on: bsd-games/create-2.17-patch/bsd-games-2.17-new/phantasia
___________________________________________________________________
Added: svn:ignore
## -0,0 +1,73 ##
+
+# install dir
+dist
+
+# Target build dirs
+.a1x-newlib
+.a2x-newlib
+.at91sam7s-newlib
+
+.build-machine
+
+.a1x-glibc
+.a2x-glibc
+.h3-glibc
+.h5-glibc
+.i586-glibc
+.i686-glibc
+.imx6-glibc
+.jz47xx-glibc
+.makefile
+.am335x-glibc
+.omap543x-glibc
+.p5600-glibc
+.power8-glibc
+.power8le-glibc
+.power9-glibc
+.power9le-glibc
+.m1000-glibc
+.riscv64-glibc
+.rk328x-glibc
+.rk33xx-glibc
+.rk339x-glibc
+.s8xx-glibc
+.s9xx-glibc
+.x86_64-glibc
+
+# Hidden files (each file)
+.makefile
+.dist
+.rootfs
+
+# src & hw requires
+.src_requires
+.src_requires_depend
+.requires
+.requires_depend
+
+# Tarballs
+*.gz
+*.bz2
+*.lz
+*.xz
+*.tgz
+*.txz
+
+# Signatures
+*.asc
+*.sig
+*.sign
+*.sha1sum
+
+# Patches
+*.patch
+
+# Descriptions
+*.dsc
+*.txt
+
+# Default linux config files
+*.defconfig
+
+# backup copies
+*~
Index: bsd-games/create-2.17-patch/bsd-games-2.17-new/pom/pom.6
===================================================================
--- bsd-games/create-2.17-patch/bsd-games-2.17-new/pom/pom.6 (nonexistent)
+++ bsd-games/create-2.17-patch/bsd-games-2.17-new/pom/pom.6 (revision 5)
@@ -0,0 +1,82 @@
+.\" $NetBSD: pom.6,v 1.12 2003/08/07 09:37:32 agc Exp $
+.\"
+.\" Copyright (c) 1989, 1993
+.\" The Regents of the University of California. All rights reserved.
+.\"
+.\" Redistribution and use in source and binary forms, with or without
+.\" modification, are permitted provided that the following conditions
+.\" are met:
+.\" 1. Redistributions of source code must retain the above copyright
+.\" notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer.
+.\" 2. Redistributions in binary form must reproduce the above copyright
+.\" notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer in the
+.\" documentation and/or other materials provided with the distribution.
+.\" 3. Neither the name of the University nor the names of its contributors
+.\" may be used to endorse or promote products derived from this software
+.\" without specific prior written permission.
+.\"
+.\" THIS SOFTWARE IS PROVIDED BY THE REGENTS AND CONTRIBUTORS ``AS IS'' AND
+.\" ANY EXPRESS OR IMPLIED WARRANTIES, INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, THE
+.\" IMPLIED WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTABILITY AND FITNESS FOR A PARTICULAR PURPOSE
+.\" ARE DISCLAIMED. IN NO EVENT SHALL THE REGENTS OR CONTRIBUTORS BE LIABLE
+.\" FOR ANY DIRECT, INDIRECT, INCIDENTAL, SPECIAL, EXEMPLARY, OR CONSEQUENTIAL
+.\" DAMAGES (INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, PROCUREMENT OF SUBSTITUTE GOODS
+.\" OR SERVICES; LOSS OF USE, DATA, OR PROFITS; OR BUSINESS INTERRUPTION)
+.\" HOWEVER CAUSED AND ON ANY THEORY OF LIABILITY, WHETHER IN CONTRACT, STRICT
+.\" LIABILITY, OR TORT (INCLUDING NEGLIGENCE OR OTHERWISE) ARISING IN ANY WAY
+.\" OUT OF THE USE OF THIS SOFTWARE, EVEN IF ADVISED OF THE POSSIBILITY OF
+.\" SUCH DAMAGE.
+.\"
+.\" @(#)pom.6 8.1 (Berkeley) 5/31/93
+.\"
+.Dd September 8, 2006
+.Dt POM 6
+.Os
+.Sh NAME
+.Nm pom
+.Nd display the phase of the moon
+.Sh SYNOPSIS
+.Nm
+.Op Fl d Ar num
+.Op Ar [[[[cc]yy]mm]dd]HH
+.Sh DESCRIPTION
+The
+.Nm
+utility displays the current phase of the moon.
+Useful for selecting software completion target dates and predicting
+managerial behavior.
+.Pp
+.Bl -tag -width [-d num]
+.It Ar [-d num]
+Display the percentage with
+.Ar num
+decimals (within reasonable limits).
+The default is to display an integer percentage.
+.El
+.Bl -tag -width [[[[[cc]yy]mm]dd]HH]
+.It Ar [[[[[cc]yy]mm]dd]HH]
+Display the phase of the moon for a given time.
+The format is similar to the canonical representation used by
+.Xr date 1 .
+.El
+.Sh SEE ALSO
+.Xr date 1
+.Sh AUTHOR
+.Nm
+was written by
+.An Keith E. Brandt .
+.Sh BUGS
+Times must be within range of the
+.Ux
+epoch.
+.Pp
+This program does not allow for the difference between the TDT and
+UTC timescales (about one minute at the time of writing).
+.Sh NOTES
+.Nm
+recognizes 3321 as being within reasonable limits.
+.Sh ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS
+This program is based on algorithms from
+.%B Practical Astronomy with Your Calculator, Third Edition
+by Peter Duffett-Smith
+.Aq pjds@mrao.cam.ac.uk .
Index: bsd-games/create-2.17-patch/bsd-games-2.17-new/pom/pom.c
===================================================================
--- bsd-games/create-2.17-patch/bsd-games-2.17-new/pom/pom.c (nonexistent)
+++ bsd-games/create-2.17-patch/bsd-games-2.17-new/pom/pom.c (revision 5)
@@ -0,0 +1,313 @@
+/* $NetBSD: pom.c,v 1.14 2004/01/27 20:30:30 jsm Exp $ */
+
+/*
+ * Copyright (c) 1989, 1993
+ * The Regents of the University of California. All rights reserved.
+ *
+ * This code is derived from software posted to USENET.
+ *
+ * Redistribution and use in source and binary forms, with or without
+ * modification, are permitted provided that the following conditions
+ * are met:
+ * 1. Redistributions of source code must retain the above copyright
+ * notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer.
+ * 2. Redistributions in binary form must reproduce the above copyright
+ * notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer in the
+ * documentation and/or other materials provided with the distribution.
+ * 3. Neither the name of the University nor the names of its contributors
+ * may be used to endorse or promote products derived from this software
+ * without specific prior written permission.
+ *
+ * THIS SOFTWARE IS PROVIDED BY THE REGENTS AND CONTRIBUTORS ``AS IS'' AND
+ * ANY EXPRESS OR IMPLIED WARRANTIES, INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, THE
+ * IMPLIED WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTABILITY AND FITNESS FOR A PARTICULAR PURPOSE
+ * ARE DISCLAIMED. IN NO EVENT SHALL THE REGENTS OR CONTRIBUTORS BE LIABLE
+ * FOR ANY DIRECT, INDIRECT, INCIDENTAL, SPECIAL, EXEMPLARY, OR CONSEQUENTIAL
+ * DAMAGES (INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, PROCUREMENT OF SUBSTITUTE GOODS
+ * OR SERVICES; LOSS OF USE, DATA, OR PROFITS; OR BUSINESS INTERRUPTION)
+ * HOWEVER CAUSED AND ON ANY THEORY OF LIABILITY, WHETHER IN CONTRACT, STRICT
+ * LIABILITY, OR TORT (INCLUDING NEGLIGENCE OR OTHERWISE) ARISING IN ANY WAY
+ * OUT OF THE USE OF THIS SOFTWARE, EVEN IF ADVISED OF THE POSSIBILITY OF
+ * SUCH DAMAGE.
+ */
+
+#include <sys/cdefs.h>
+#ifndef lint
+__COPYRIGHT("@(#) Copyright (c) 1989, 1993\n\
+ The Regents of the University of California. All rights reserved.\n");
+#endif /* not lint */
+
+#ifndef lint
+#if 0
+static char sccsid[] = "@(#)pom.c 8.1 (Berkeley) 5/31/93";
+#else
+__RCSID("$NetBSD: pom.c,v 1.14 2004/01/27 20:30:30 jsm Exp $");
+#endif
+#endif /* not lint */
+
+/*
+ * Phase of the Moon. Calculates the current phase of the moon.
+ * Based on routines from `Practical Astronomy with Your Calculator',
+ * by Duffett-Smith. Comments give the section from the book that
+ * particular piece of code was adapted from.
+ *
+ * -- Keith E. Brandt VIII 1984
+ *
+ * Updated to the Third Edition of Duffett-Smith's book, Paul Janzen, IX 1998
+ *
+ * Modified for Slackware by Eric Hameleers <alien@slackware.com> 09-09-2006
+ *
+ */
+
+#include <ctype.h>
+#include <err.h>
+#include <math.h>
+#include <limits.h>
+#include <stdio.h>
+#include <string.h>
+#include <stdlib.h>
+#include <time.h>
+#include <unistd.h>
+
+#ifndef PI
+#define PI 3.14159265358979323846
+#endif
+
+/*
+ * The EPOCH in the third edition of the book is 1990 Jan 0.0 TDT.
+ * In this program, we do not bother to correct for the differences
+ * between UTC (as shown by the UNIX clock) and TDT. (TDT = TAI + 32.184s;
+ * TAI-UTC = 32s in Jan 1999.)
+ */
+#define EPOCH_MINUS_1970 (20 * 365 + 5 - 1) /* 20 years, 5 leaps, back 1 day to Jan 0 */
+#define EPSILONg 279.403303 /* solar ecliptic long at EPOCH */
+#define RHOg 282.768422 /* solar ecliptic long of perigee at EPOCH */
+#define ECCEN 0.016713 /* solar orbit eccentricity */
+#define lzero 318.351648 /* lunar mean long at EPOCH */
+#define Pzero 36.340410 /* lunar mean long of perigee at EPOCH */
+#define Nzero 318.510107 /* lunar mean long of node at EPOCH */
+
+void adj360(double *);
+double dtor(double);
+int main(int, char *[]);
+double potm(double);
+time_t parsetime(char *);
+void badformat(void) __attribute__((__noreturn__));
+
+int
+main(argc, argv)
+ int argc;
+ char *argv[];
+{
+ time_t tmpt, now;
+ double days, today, tomorrow, accuracy;
+ char buf[1024];
+ int ch, decimals=0;
+
+ /* Revoke setgid privileges */
+ setregid(getgid(), getgid());
+
+ while ((ch = getopt(argc, argv, "d:h?")) != -1)
+ switch (ch) {
+ case 'd':
+ decimals = atoi(optarg);
+ if (decimals < 0 || (decimals != 3321 && decimals > __DBL_DIG__))
+ errx(1, "illegal argument for -d option");
+ break;
+ case 'h':
+ case '?':
+ (void)fprintf(stderr, "usage: pom [-d digits] [[[[[cc]yy]mm]dd]HH]\n");
+ exit(1);
+ default:
+ break;
+ }
+ argc -= optind;
+ argv += optind;
+
+ accuracy = ( decimals == 3321 ? 0.5: 0.5 / pow(10, decimals) );
+
+ if (time(&now) == (time_t)-1)
+ err(1, "time");
+ if (argc > 0) {
+ tmpt = parsetime(argv[0]);
+ strftime(buf, sizeof(buf), "%a %Y %b %e %H:%M:%S (%Z)",
+ localtime(&tmpt));
+ printf("%s: ", buf);
+ } else {
+ tmpt = now;
+ }
+ days = (tmpt - EPOCH_MINUS_1970 * 86400) / 86400.0;
+ today = potm(days) + accuracy;
+ if (tmpt < now)
+ (void)printf("The Moon was ");
+ else if (tmpt == now)
+ (void)printf("The Moon is ");
+ else
+ (void)printf("The Moon will be ");
+ if ((int)today == 100) {
+ (void)printf("Full\n");
+ if (decimals == 3321)
+ /* (void)printf("Howl!!! Know me, I am PJV.\n"); */
+ /* PJV's number is not 3321, and shan't be revealed here */
+ (void)printf("I saw the best minds of my generation destroyed by\n");
+ }
+ else if (!(int)today)
+ (void)printf("New\n");
+ else {
+ tomorrow = potm(days + 1);
+ if ((int)today == 50)
+ (void)printf("%s\n", tomorrow > today ?
+ "at the First Quarter" : "at the Last Quarter");
+ /* today is "accuracy" too big, but it doesn't matter
+ * here since the phase is changing fast enough
+ */
+ else {
+ today -= accuracy; /* Now it might matter */
+ (void)printf("%s ", tomorrow > today ?
+ "Waxing" : "Waning");
+ if (today > 50)
+ (void)printf("Gibbous (%1.*f%% of Full)\n",
+ decimals, today);
+ else if (today < 50)
+ (void)printf("Crescent (%1.*f%% of Full)\n",
+ decimals, today);
+ }
+ }
+ exit(0);
+}
+
+/*
+ * potm --
+ * return phase of the moon
+ */
+double
+potm(days)
+ double days;
+{
+ double N, Msol, Ec, LambdaSol, l, Mm, Ev, Ac, A3, Mmprime;
+ double A4, lprime, V, ldprime, D, Nm;
+
+ N = 360 * days / 365.242191; /* sec 46 #3 */
+ adj360(&N);
+ Msol = N + EPSILONg - RHOg; /* sec 46 #4 */
+ adj360(&Msol);
+ Ec = 360 / PI * ECCEN * sin(dtor(Msol)); /* sec 46 #5 */
+ LambdaSol = N + Ec + EPSILONg; /* sec 46 #6 */
+ adj360(&LambdaSol);
+ l = 13.1763966 * days + lzero; /* sec 65 #4 */
+ adj360(&l);
+ Mm = l - (0.1114041 * days) - Pzero; /* sec 65 #5 */
+ adj360(&Mm);
+ Nm = Nzero - (0.0529539 * days); /* sec 65 #6 */
+ adj360(&Nm);
+ Ev = 1.2739 * sin(dtor(2*(l - LambdaSol) - Mm)); /* sec 65 #7 */
+ Ac = 0.1858 * sin(dtor(Msol)); /* sec 65 #8 */
+ A3 = 0.37 * sin(dtor(Msol));
+ Mmprime = Mm + Ev - Ac - A3; /* sec 65 #9 */
+ Ec = 6.2886 * sin(dtor(Mmprime)); /* sec 65 #10 */
+ A4 = 0.214 * sin(dtor(2 * Mmprime)); /* sec 65 #11 */
+ lprime = l + Ev + Ec - Ac + A4; /* sec 65 #12 */
+ V = 0.6583 * sin(dtor(2 * (lprime - LambdaSol))); /* sec 65 #13 */
+ ldprime = lprime + V; /* sec 65 #14 */
+ D = ldprime - LambdaSol; /* sec 67 #2 */
+ return(50.0 * (1 - cos(dtor(D)))); /* sec 67 #3 */
+}
+
+/*
+ * dtor --
+ * convert degrees to radians
+ */
+double
+dtor(deg)
+ double deg;
+{
+ return(deg * PI / 180);
+}
+
+/*
+ * adj360 --
+ * adjust value so 0 <= deg <= 360
+ */
+void
+adj360(deg)
+ double *deg;
+{
+ for (;;)
+ if (*deg < 0)
+ *deg += 360;
+ else if (*deg > 360)
+ *deg -= 360;
+ else
+ break;
+}
+
+#define ATOI2(ar) ((ar)[0] - '0') * 10 + ((ar)[1] - '0'); (ar) += 2;
+time_t
+parsetime(p)
+ char *p;
+{
+ struct tm *lt;
+ int bigyear;
+ int yearset = 0;
+ time_t tval;
+ unsigned char *t;
+
+ for (t = (unsigned char *)p; *t; ++t) {
+ if (isdigit(*t))
+ continue;
+ badformat();
+ }
+
+ tval = time(NULL);
+ lt = localtime(&tval);
+ lt->tm_sec = 0;
+ lt->tm_min = 0;
+
+ switch (strlen(p)) {
+ case 10: /* yyyy */
+ bigyear = ATOI2(p);
+ lt->tm_year = bigyear * 100 - 1900;
+ yearset = 1;
+ /* FALLTHROUGH */
+ case 8: /* yy */
+ if (yearset) {
+ lt->tm_year += ATOI2(p);
+ } else {
+ lt->tm_year = ATOI2(p);
+ if (lt->tm_year < 69) /* hack for 2000 */
+ lt->tm_year += 100;
+ }
+ /* FALLTHROUGH */
+ case 6: /* mm */
+ lt->tm_mon = ATOI2(p);
+ if ((lt->tm_mon > 12) || !lt->tm_mon)
+ badformat();
+ --lt->tm_mon; /* time struct is 0 - 11 */
+ /* FALLTHROUGH */
+ case 4: /* dd */
+ lt->tm_mday = ATOI2(p);
+ if ((lt->tm_mday > 31) || !lt->tm_mday)
+ badformat();
+ /* FALLTHROUGH */
+ case 2: /* HH */
+ lt->tm_hour = ATOI2(p);
+ if (lt->tm_hour > 23)
+ badformat();
+ break;
+ default:
+ badformat();
+ }
+ /* The calling code needs a valid tm_ydays and this is the easiest
+ * way to get one */
+ if ((tval = mktime(lt)) == -1)
+ errx(1, "specified date is outside allowed range");
+ return (tval);
+}
+
+void
+badformat()
+{
+ warnx("illegal time format");
+ (void)fprintf(stderr, "usage: pom [[[[[cc]yy]mm]dd]HH]\n");
+ exit(1);
+}
Index: bsd-games/create-2.17-patch/bsd-games-2.17-new/pom
===================================================================
--- bsd-games/create-2.17-patch/bsd-games-2.17-new/pom (nonexistent)
+++ bsd-games/create-2.17-patch/bsd-games-2.17-new/pom (revision 5)
Property changes on: bsd-games/create-2.17-patch/bsd-games-2.17-new/pom
___________________________________________________________________
Added: svn:ignore
## -0,0 +1,73 ##
+
+# install dir
+dist
+
+# Target build dirs
+.a1x-newlib
+.a2x-newlib
+.at91sam7s-newlib
+
+.build-machine
+
+.a1x-glibc
+.a2x-glibc
+.h3-glibc
+.h5-glibc
+.i586-glibc
+.i686-glibc
+.imx6-glibc
+.jz47xx-glibc
+.makefile
+.am335x-glibc
+.omap543x-glibc
+.p5600-glibc
+.power8-glibc
+.power8le-glibc
+.power9-glibc
+.power9le-glibc
+.m1000-glibc
+.riscv64-glibc
+.rk328x-glibc
+.rk33xx-glibc
+.rk339x-glibc
+.s8xx-glibc
+.s9xx-glibc
+.x86_64-glibc
+
+# Hidden files (each file)
+.makefile
+.dist
+.rootfs
+
+# src & hw requires
+.src_requires
+.src_requires_depend
+.requires
+.requires_depend
+
+# Tarballs
+*.gz
+*.bz2
+*.lz
+*.xz
+*.tgz
+*.txz
+
+# Signatures
+*.asc
+*.sig
+*.sign
+*.sha1sum
+
+# Patches
+*.patch
+
+# Descriptions
+*.dsc
+*.txt
+
+# Default linux config files
+*.defconfig
+
+# backup copies
+*~
Index: bsd-games/create-2.17-patch/bsd-games-2.17-new/tetris/screen.c
===================================================================
--- bsd-games/create-2.17-patch/bsd-games-2.17-new/tetris/screen.c (nonexistent)
+++ bsd-games/create-2.17-patch/bsd-games-2.17-new/tetris/screen.c (revision 5)
@@ -0,0 +1,506 @@
+/* $NetBSD: screen.c,v screen.c,v 1.19 2004/01/27 20:30:30 jsm Exp $ */
+/* For Linux: still using old termcap interface from version 1.13. */
+
+/*-
+ * Copyright (c) 1992, 1993
+ * The Regents of the University of California. All rights reserved.
+ *
+ * This code is derived from software contributed to Berkeley by
+ * Chris Torek and Darren F. Provine.
+ *
+ * Redistribution and use in source and binary forms, with or without
+ * modification, are permitted provided that the following conditions
+ * are met:
+ * 1. Redistributions of source code must retain the above copyright
+ * notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer.
+ * 2. Redistributions in binary form must reproduce the above copyright
+ * notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer in the
+ * documentation and/or other materials provided with the distribution.
+ * 3. Neither the name of the University nor the names of its contributors
+ * may be used to endorse or promote products derived from this software
+ * without specific prior written permission.
+ *
+ * THIS SOFTWARE IS PROVIDED BY THE REGENTS AND CONTRIBUTORS ``AS IS'' AND
+ * ANY EXPRESS OR IMPLIED WARRANTIES, INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, THE
+ * IMPLIED WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTABILITY AND FITNESS FOR A PARTICULAR PURPOSE
+ * ARE DISCLAIMED. IN NO EVENT SHALL THE REGENTS OR CONTRIBUTORS BE LIABLE
+ * FOR ANY DIRECT, INDIRECT, INCIDENTAL, SPECIAL, EXEMPLARY, OR CONSEQUENTIAL
+ * DAMAGES (INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, PROCUREMENT OF SUBSTITUTE GOODS
+ * OR SERVICES; LOSS OF USE, DATA, OR PROFITS; OR BUSINESS INTERRUPTION)
+ * HOWEVER CAUSED AND ON ANY THEORY OF LIABILITY, WHETHER IN CONTRACT, STRICT
+ * LIABILITY, OR TORT (INCLUDING NEGLIGENCE OR OTHERWISE) ARISING IN ANY WAY
+ * OUT OF THE USE OF THIS SOFTWARE, EVEN IF ADVISED OF THE POSSIBILITY OF
+ * SUCH DAMAGE.
+ *
+ * @(#)screen.c 8.1 (Berkeley) 5/31/93
+ */
+
+/*
+ * Tetris screen control.
+ */
+
+#include <sys/ioctl.h>
+
+#include <setjmp.h>
+#include <signal.h>
+#include <stdio.h>
+#include <stdlib.h>
+#include <string.h>
+#include <termcap.h>
+#include <termios.h>
+#include <unistd.h>
+
+#ifndef sigmask
+#define sigmask(s) (1 << ((s) - 1))
+#endif
+
+#include "screen.h"
+#include "tetris.h"
+
+static cell curscreen[B_SIZE]; /* 1 => standout (or otherwise marked) */
+static int curscore;
+static int isset; /* true => terminal is in game mode */
+static struct termios oldtt;
+static void (*tstp)(int);
+
+static void scr_stop(int);
+static void stopset(int) __attribute__((__noreturn__));
+
+
+/*
+ * Capabilities from TERMCAP.
+ */
+extern char PC, *BC, *UP; /* tgoto requires globals: ugh! */
+static char BCdefault[] = "\b";
+#ifndef NCURSES_VERSION
+speed_t ospeed;
+#endif
+
+static char
+ *bcstr, /* backspace char */
+ *CEstr, /* clear to end of line */
+ *CLstr, /* clear screen */
+ *CMstr, /* cursor motion string */
+#ifdef unneeded
+ *CRstr, /* "\r" equivalent */
+#endif
+ *HOstr, /* cursor home */
+ *LLstr, /* last line, first column */
+ *pcstr, /* pad character */
+ *TEstr, /* end cursor motion mode */
+ *TIstr; /* begin cursor motion mode */
+char
+ *SEstr, /* end standout mode */
+ *SOstr; /* begin standout mode */
+static int
+ COnum, /* co# value */
+ LInum, /* li# value */
+ MSflag; /* can move in standout mode */
+
+
+struct tcsinfo { /* termcap string info; some abbrevs above */
+ char tcname[3];
+ char **tcaddr;
+} tcstrings[] = {
+ {"bc", &bcstr},
+ {"ce", &CEstr},
+ {"cl", &CLstr},
+ {"cm", &CMstr},
+#ifdef unneeded
+ {"cr", &CRstr},
+#endif
+ {"le", &BC}, /* move cursor left one space */
+ {"pc", &pcstr},
+ {"se", &SEstr},
+ {"so", &SOstr},
+ {"te", &TEstr},
+ {"ti", &TIstr},
+ {"up", &UP}, /* cursor up */
+ { {0}, NULL}
+};
+
+/* This is where we will actually stuff the information */
+
+static char combuf[1024], tbuf[1024];
+
+
+/*
+ * Routine used by tputs().
+ */
+int
+put(c)
+ int c;
+{
+
+ return (putchar(c));
+}
+
+/*
+ * putstr() is for unpadded strings (either as in termcap(5) or
+ * simply literal strings); putpad() is for padded strings with
+ * count=1. (See screen.h for putpad().)
+ */
+#define putstr(s) (void)fputs(s, stdout)
+#define moveto(r, c) putpad(tgoto(CMstr, c, r))
+
+/*
+ * Set up from termcap.
+ */
+void
+scr_init()
+{
+ static int bsflag, xsflag, sgnum;
+#ifdef unneeded
+ static int ncflag;
+#endif
+ char *term, *fill;
+ static struct tcninfo { /* termcap numeric and flag info */
+ char tcname[3];
+ int *tcaddr;
+ } tcflags[] = {
+ {"bs", &bsflag},
+ {"ms", &MSflag},
+#ifdef unneeded
+ {"nc", &ncflag},
+#endif
+ {"xs", &xsflag},
+ { {0}, NULL}
+ }, tcnums[] = {
+ {"co", &COnum},
+ {"li", &LInum},
+ {"sg", &sgnum},
+ { {0}, NULL}
+ };
+
+ if ((term = getenv("TERM")) == NULL)
+ stop("you must set the TERM environment variable");
+ if (tgetent(tbuf, term) <= 0)
+ stop("cannot find your termcap");
+ fill = combuf;
+ {
+ struct tcsinfo *p;
+
+ for (p = tcstrings; p->tcaddr; p++)
+ *p->tcaddr = tgetstr(p->tcname, &fill);
+ }
+ {
+ struct tcninfo *p;
+
+ for (p = tcflags; p->tcaddr; p++)
+ *p->tcaddr = tgetflag(p->tcname);
+ for (p = tcnums; p->tcaddr; p++)
+ *p->tcaddr = tgetnum(p->tcname);
+ }
+ if (bsflag)
+ BC = BCdefault;
+ else if (BC == NULL && bcstr != NULL)
+ BC = bcstr;
+ if (CLstr == NULL)
+ stop("cannot clear screen");
+ if (CMstr == NULL || UP == NULL || BC == NULL)
+ stop("cannot do random cursor positioning via tgoto()");
+ PC = pcstr ? *pcstr : 0;
+ if (sgnum >= 0 || xsflag)
+ SOstr = SEstr = NULL;
+#ifdef unneeded
+ if (ncflag)
+ CRstr = NULL;
+ else if (CRstr == NULL)
+ CRstr = "\r";
+#endif
+}
+
+/* this foolery is needed to modify tty state `atomically' */
+static jmp_buf scr_onstop;
+
+static void
+stopset(sig)
+ int sig;
+{
+ sigset_t sigset;
+
+ (void) signal(sig, SIG_DFL);
+ (void) kill(getpid(), sig);
+ sigemptyset(&sigset);
+ sigaddset(&sigset, sig);
+ (void) sigprocmask(SIG_UNBLOCK, &sigset, (sigset_t *)0);
+ longjmp(scr_onstop, 1);
+}
+
+static void
+scr_stop(sig)
+ int sig;
+{
+ sigset_t sigset;
+
+ scr_end();
+ (void) kill(getpid(), sig);
+ sigemptyset(&sigset);
+ sigaddset(&sigset, sig);
+ (void) sigprocmask(SIG_UNBLOCK, &sigset, (sigset_t *)0);
+ scr_set();
+ scr_msg(key_msg, 1);
+}
+
+/*
+ * Set up screen mode.
+ */
+void
+scr_set()
+{
+ struct winsize ws;
+ struct termios newtt;
+ sigset_t sigset, osigset;
+ void (*ttou)(int);
+
+ sigemptyset(&sigset);
+ sigaddset(&sigset, SIGTSTP);
+ sigaddset(&sigset, SIGTTOU);
+ (void) sigprocmask(SIG_BLOCK, &sigset, &osigset);
+ if ((tstp = signal(SIGTSTP, stopset)) == SIG_IGN)
+ (void) signal(SIGTSTP, SIG_IGN);
+ if ((ttou = signal(SIGTTOU, stopset)) == SIG_IGN)
+ (void) signal(SIGTTOU, SIG_IGN);
+ /*
+ * At last, we are ready to modify the tty state. If
+ * we stop while at it, stopset() above will longjmp back
+ * to the setjmp here and we will start over.
+ */
+ (void) setjmp(scr_onstop);
+ (void) sigprocmask(SIG_SETMASK, &osigset, (sigset_t *)0);
+ Rows = 0, Cols = 0;
+ if (ioctl(0, TIOCGWINSZ, &ws) == 0) {
+ Rows = ws.ws_row;
+ Cols = ws.ws_col;
+ }
+ if (Rows == 0)
+ Rows = LInum;
+ if (Cols == 0)
+ Cols = COnum;
+ if (Rows < MINROWS || Cols < MINCOLS) {
+ (void) fprintf(stderr,
+ "the screen is too small: must be at least %dx%d, ",
+ MINCOLS, MINROWS);
+ stop(""); /* stop() supplies \n */
+ }
+ if (tcgetattr(0, &oldtt) < 0)
+ stop("tcgetattr() fails");
+ newtt = oldtt;
+ newtt.c_lflag &= ~(ICANON|ECHO);
+ newtt.c_oflag &= ~OXTABS;
+ newtt.c_cc[VMIN] = 1;
+ newtt.c_cc[VTIME] = 0;
+ if (tcsetattr(0, TCSADRAIN, &newtt) < 0)
+ stop("tcsetattr() fails");
+ ospeed = cfgetospeed(&newtt);
+ (void) sigprocmask(SIG_BLOCK, &sigset, &osigset);
+
+ /*
+ * We made it. We are now in screen mode, modulo TIstr
+ * (which we will fix immediately).
+ */
+ if (TIstr)
+ putstr(TIstr); /* termcap(5) says this is not padded */
+ if (tstp != SIG_IGN)
+ (void) signal(SIGTSTP, scr_stop);
+ if (ttou != SIG_IGN)
+ (void) signal(SIGTTOU, ttou);
+
+ isset = 1;
+ (void) sigprocmask(SIG_SETMASK, &osigset, (sigset_t *)0);
+ scr_clear();
+}
+
+/*
+ * End screen mode.
+ */
+void
+scr_end()
+{
+ sigset_t sigset, osigset;
+
+ sigemptyset(&sigset);
+ sigaddset(&sigset, SIGTSTP);
+ sigaddset(&sigset, SIGTTOU);
+ (void) sigprocmask(SIG_BLOCK, &sigset, &osigset);
+ /* move cursor to last line */
+ if (LLstr)
+ putstr(LLstr); /* termcap(5) says this is not padded */
+ else
+ moveto(Rows - 1, 0);
+ /* exit screen mode */
+ if (TEstr)
+ putstr(TEstr); /* termcap(5) says this is not padded */
+ (void) fflush(stdout);
+ (void) tcsetattr(0, TCSADRAIN, &oldtt);
+ isset = 0;
+ /* restore signals */
+ (void) signal(SIGTSTP, tstp);
+ (void) sigprocmask(SIG_SETMASK, &osigset, (sigset_t *)0);
+}
+
+void
+stop(why)
+ const char *why;
+{
+
+ if (isset)
+ scr_end();
+ (void) fprintf(stderr, "aborting: %s\n", why);
+ exit(1);
+}
+
+/*
+ * Clear the screen, forgetting the current contents in the process.
+ */
+void
+scr_clear()
+{
+
+ putpad(CLstr);
+ curscore = -1;
+ memset((char *)curscreen, 0, sizeof(curscreen));
+}
+
+#if vax && !__GNUC__
+typedef int regcell; /* pcc is bad at `register char', etc */
+#else
+typedef cell regcell;
+#endif
+
+/*
+ * Update the screen.
+ */
+void
+scr_update()
+{
+ cell *bp, *sp;
+ regcell so, cur_so = 0;
+ int i, ccol, j;
+ sigset_t sigset, osigset;
+ static const struct shape *lastshape;
+
+ sigemptyset(&sigset);
+ sigaddset(&sigset, SIGTSTP);
+ (void) sigprocmask(SIG_BLOCK, &sigset, &osigset);
+
+ /* always leave cursor after last displayed point */
+ curscreen[D_LAST * B_COLS - 1] = -1;
+
+ if (score != curscore) {
+ if (HOstr)
+ putpad(HOstr);
+ else
+ moveto(0, 0);
+ (void) printf("Score: %d", score);
+ curscore = score;
+ }
+
+ /* draw preview of nextpattern */
+ if (showpreview && (nextshape != lastshape)) {
+ int i;
+ static int r=5, c=2;
+ int tr, tc, t;
+
+ lastshape = nextshape;
+
+ /* clean */
+ putpad(SEstr);
+ moveto(r-1, c-1); putstr(" ");
+ moveto(r, c-1); putstr(" ");
+ moveto(r+1, c-1); putstr(" ");
+ moveto(r+2, c-1); putstr(" ");
+
+ moveto(r-3, c-2);
+ putstr("Next shape:");
+
+ /* draw */
+ putpad(SOstr);
+ moveto(r, 2*c);
+ putstr(" ");
+ for(i=0; i<3; i++) {
+ t = c + r*B_COLS;
+ t += nextshape->off[i];
+
+ tr = t / B_COLS;
+ tc = t % B_COLS;
+
+ moveto(tr, 2*tc);
+ putstr(" ");
+ }
+ putpad(SEstr);
+ }
+
+ bp = &board[D_FIRST * B_COLS];
+ sp = &curscreen[D_FIRST * B_COLS];
+ for (j = D_FIRST; j < D_LAST; j++) {
+ ccol = -1;
+ for (i = 0; i < B_COLS; bp++, sp++, i++) {
+ if (*sp == (so = *bp))
+ continue;
+ *sp = so;
+ if (i != ccol) {
+ if (cur_so && MSflag) {
+ putpad(SEstr);
+ cur_so = 0;
+ }
+ moveto(RTOD(j), CTOD(i));
+ }
+ if (SOstr) {
+ if (so != cur_so) {
+ putpad(so ? SOstr : SEstr);
+ cur_so = so;
+ }
+ putstr(" ");
+ } else
+ putstr(so ? "XX" : " ");
+ ccol = i + 1;
+ /*
+ * Look ahead a bit, to avoid extra motion if
+ * we will be redrawing the cell after the next.
+ * Motion probably takes four or more characters,
+ * so we save even if we rewrite two cells
+ * `unnecessarily'. Skip it all, though, if
+ * the next cell is a different color.
+ */
+#define STOP (B_COLS - 3)
+ if (i > STOP || sp[1] != bp[1] || so != bp[1])
+ continue;
+ if (sp[2] != bp[2])
+ sp[1] = -1;
+ else if (i < STOP && so == bp[2] && sp[3] != bp[3]) {
+ sp[2] = -1;
+ sp[1] = -1;
+ }
+ }
+ }
+ if (cur_so)
+ putpad(SEstr);
+ (void) fflush(stdout);
+ (void) sigprocmask(SIG_SETMASK, &osigset, (sigset_t *)0);
+}
+
+/*
+ * Write a message (set!=0), or clear the same message (set==0).
+ * (We need its length in case we have to overwrite with blanks.)
+ */
+void
+scr_msg(s, set)
+ char *s;
+ int set;
+{
+
+ if (set || CEstr == NULL) {
+ int l = strlen(s);
+
+ moveto(Rows - 2, ((Cols - l) >> 1) - 1);
+ if (set)
+ putstr(s);
+ else
+ while (--l >= 0)
+ (void) putchar(' ');
+ } else {
+ moveto(Rows - 2, 0);
+ putpad(CEstr);
+ }
+}
Index: bsd-games/create-2.17-patch/bsd-games-2.17-new/tetris
===================================================================
--- bsd-games/create-2.17-patch/bsd-games-2.17-new/tetris (nonexistent)
+++ bsd-games/create-2.17-patch/bsd-games-2.17-new/tetris (revision 5)
Property changes on: bsd-games/create-2.17-patch/bsd-games-2.17-new/tetris
___________________________________________________________________
Added: svn:ignore
## -0,0 +1,73 ##
+
+# install dir
+dist
+
+# Target build dirs
+.a1x-newlib
+.a2x-newlib
+.at91sam7s-newlib
+
+.build-machine
+
+.a1x-glibc
+.a2x-glibc
+.h3-glibc
+.h5-glibc
+.i586-glibc
+.i686-glibc
+.imx6-glibc
+.jz47xx-glibc
+.makefile
+.am335x-glibc
+.omap543x-glibc
+.p5600-glibc
+.power8-glibc
+.power8le-glibc
+.power9-glibc
+.power9le-glibc
+.m1000-glibc
+.riscv64-glibc
+.rk328x-glibc
+.rk33xx-glibc
+.rk339x-glibc
+.s8xx-glibc
+.s9xx-glibc
+.x86_64-glibc
+
+# Hidden files (each file)
+.makefile
+.dist
+.rootfs
+
+# src & hw requires
+.src_requires
+.src_requires_depend
+.requires
+.requires_depend
+
+# Tarballs
+*.gz
+*.bz2
+*.lz
+*.xz
+*.tgz
+*.txz
+
+# Signatures
+*.asc
+*.sig
+*.sign
+*.sha1sum
+
+# Patches
+*.patch
+
+# Descriptions
+*.dsc
+*.txt
+
+# Default linux config files
+*.defconfig
+
+# backup copies
+*~
Index: bsd-games/create-2.17-patch/bsd-games-2.17-new/trek/getpar.h
===================================================================
--- bsd-games/create-2.17-patch/bsd-games-2.17-new/trek/getpar.h (nonexistent)
+++ bsd-games/create-2.17-patch/bsd-games-2.17-new/trek/getpar.h (revision 5)
@@ -0,0 +1,57 @@
+/* $NetBSD: getpar.h,v 1.10 2005/02/15 12:54:50 jsm Exp $ */
+
+/*
+ * Copyright (c) 1980, 1993
+ * The Regents of the University of California. All rights reserved.
+ *
+ * Redistribution and use in source and binary forms, with or without
+ * modification, are permitted provided that the following conditions
+ * are met:
+ * 1. Redistributions of source code must retain the above copyright
+ * notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer.
+ * 2. Redistributions in binary form must reproduce the above copyright
+ * notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer in the
+ * documentation and/or other materials provided with the distribution.
+ * 3. Neither the name of the University nor the names of its contributors
+ * may be used to endorse or promote products derived from this software
+ * without specific prior written permission.
+ *
+ * THIS SOFTWARE IS PROVIDED BY THE REGENTS AND CONTRIBUTORS ``AS IS'' AND
+ * ANY EXPRESS OR IMPLIED WARRANTIES, INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, THE
+ * IMPLIED WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTABILITY AND FITNESS FOR A PARTICULAR PURPOSE
+ * ARE DISCLAIMED. IN NO EVENT SHALL THE REGENTS OR CONTRIBUTORS BE LIABLE
+ * FOR ANY DIRECT, INDIRECT, INCIDENTAL, SPECIAL, EXEMPLARY, OR CONSEQUENTIAL
+ * DAMAGES (INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, PROCUREMENT OF SUBSTITUTE GOODS
+ * OR SERVICES; LOSS OF USE, DATA, OR PROFITS; OR BUSINESS INTERRUPTION)
+ * HOWEVER CAUSED AND ON ANY THEORY OF LIABILITY, WHETHER IN CONTRACT, STRICT
+ * LIABILITY, OR TORT (INCLUDING NEGLIGENCE OR OTHERWISE) ARISING IN ANY WAY
+ * OUT OF THE USE OF THIS SOFTWARE, EVEN IF ADVISED OF THE POSSIBILITY OF
+ * SUCH DAMAGE.
+ *
+ * @(#)getpar.h 8.1 (Berkeley) 5/31/93
+ */
+#ifndef _GETPAR_H
+#define _GETPAR_H
+
+typedef void (*cmdfun)(int);
+struct cvntab /* used for getcodpar() parameter list */
+{
+ const char *abrev;
+ const char *full;
+ cmdfun value;
+ int value2;
+};
+
+extern const struct cvntab Skitab[];
+extern const struct cvntab Lentab[];
+
+int getintpar(const char *);
+double getfltpar(const char *);
+int getynpar(const char *);
+const struct cvntab *getcodpar(const char *, const struct cvntab[]);
+void getstrpar(const char *, char *, int, const char *);
+int testnl(void);
+void skiptonl(int);
+int readdelim(int);
+
+#endif /* _GETPAR_H */
Index: bsd-games/create-2.17-patch/bsd-games-2.17-new/trek/trek.h
===================================================================
--- bsd-games/create-2.17-patch/bsd-games-2.17-new/trek/trek.h (nonexistent)
+++ bsd-games/create-2.17-patch/bsd-games-2.17-new/trek/trek.h (revision 5)
@@ -0,0 +1,527 @@
+/* $NetBSD: trek.h,v 1.11 2005/02/15 12:54:50 jsm Exp $ */
+
+/*
+ * Copyright (c) 1980, 1993
+ * The Regents of the University of California. All rights reserved.
+ *
+ * Redistribution and use in source and binary forms, with or without
+ * modification, are permitted provided that the following conditions
+ * are met:
+ * 1. Redistributions of source code must retain the above copyright
+ * notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer.
+ * 2. Redistributions in binary form must reproduce the above copyright
+ * notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer in the
+ * documentation and/or other materials provided with the distribution.
+ * 3. Neither the name of the University nor the names of its contributors
+ * may be used to endorse or promote products derived from this software
+ * without specific prior written permission.
+ *
+ * THIS SOFTWARE IS PROVIDED BY THE REGENTS AND CONTRIBUTORS ``AS IS'' AND
+ * ANY EXPRESS OR IMPLIED WARRANTIES, INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, THE
+ * IMPLIED WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTABILITY AND FITNESS FOR A PARTICULAR PURPOSE
+ * ARE DISCLAIMED. IN NO EVENT SHALL THE REGENTS OR CONTRIBUTORS BE LIABLE
+ * FOR ANY DIRECT, INDIRECT, INCIDENTAL, SPECIAL, EXEMPLARY, OR CONSEQUENTIAL
+ * DAMAGES (INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, PROCUREMENT OF SUBSTITUTE GOODS
+ * OR SERVICES; LOSS OF USE, DATA, OR PROFITS; OR BUSINESS INTERRUPTION)
+ * HOWEVER CAUSED AND ON ANY THEORY OF LIABILITY, WHETHER IN CONTRACT, STRICT
+ * LIABILITY, OR TORT (INCLUDING NEGLIGENCE OR OTHERWISE) ARISING IN ANY WAY
+ * OUT OF THE USE OF THIS SOFTWARE, EVEN IF ADVISED OF THE POSSIBILITY OF
+ * SUCH DAMAGE.
+ *
+ * @(#)trek.h 8.1 (Berkeley) 5/31/93
+ */
+
+#include "getpar.h"
+
+/*
+** Global Declarations
+**
+** Virtually all non-local variable declarations are made in this
+** file. Exceptions are those things which are initialized, which
+** are defined in "externs.c", and things which are local to one
+** program file.
+**
+** So far as I know, nothing in here must be preinitialized to
+** zero.
+*/
+
+/* external function definitions */
+
+/********************* GALAXY **************************/
+
+/* galactic parameters */
+# define NSECTS 10 /* dimensions of quadrant in sectors */
+# define NQUADS 8 /* dimension of galazy in quadrants */
+# define NINHAB 32 /* number of quadrants which are inhabited */
+
+struct quad /* definition for each quadrant */
+{
+ unsigned char bases; /* number of bases in this quadrant */
+ char klings; /* number of Klingons in this quadrant */
+ char holes; /* number of black holes in this quadrant */
+ int scanned; /* star chart entry (see below) */
+ short stars; /* number of stars in this quadrant */
+ char qsystemname; /* starsystem name (see below) */
+};
+
+# define Q_DISTRESSED 0200
+# define Q_SYSTEM 077
+
+/* systemname conventions:
+ * 1 -> NINHAB index into Systemname table for live system.
+ * + Q_DISTRESSED distressed starsystem -- systemname & Q_SYSTEM
+ * is the index into the Event table which will
+ * have the system name
+ * 0 dead or nonexistent starsystem
+ *
+ * starchart ("scanned") conventions:
+ * 0 -> 999 taken as is
+ * -1 not yet scanned ("...")
+ * 1000 supernova ("///")
+ * 1001 starbase + ??? (".1.")
+*/
+
+/* ascii names of systems */
+extern const char *const Systemname[NINHAB];
+
+/* quadrant definition */
+extern struct quad Quad[NQUADS][NQUADS];
+
+/* defines for sector map (below) */
+# define EMPTY '.'
+# define STAR '*'
+# define BASE '#'
+# define ENTERPRISE 'E'
+# define QUEENE 'Q'
+# define KLINGON 'K'
+# define INHABIT '@'
+# define HOLE ' '
+
+/* current sector map */
+extern char Sect[NSECTS][NSECTS];
+
+
+
+/************************ DEVICES ******************************/
+
+# define NDEV 16 /* max number of devices */
+
+/* device tokens */
+# define WARP 0 /* warp engines */
+# define SRSCAN 1 /* short range scanners */
+# define LRSCAN 2 /* long range scanners */
+# define PHASER 3 /* phaser control */
+# define TORPED 4 /* photon torpedo control */
+# define IMPULSE 5 /* impulse engines */
+# define SHIELD 6 /* shield control */
+# define COMPUTER 7 /* on board computer */
+# define SSRADIO 8 /* subspace radio */
+# define LIFESUP 9 /* life support systems */
+# define SINS 10 /* Space Inertial Navigation System */
+# define CLOAK 11 /* cloaking device */
+# define XPORTER 12 /* transporter */
+# define SHUTTLE 13 /* shuttlecraft */
+
+/* device names */
+struct device
+{
+ const char *name; /* device name */
+ const char *person; /* the person who fixes it */
+};
+
+extern const struct device Device[NDEV];
+
+/*************************** EVENTS ****************************/
+
+# define NEVENTS 12 /* number of different event types */
+
+# define E_LRTB 1 /* long range tractor beam */
+# define E_KATSB 2 /* Klingon attacks starbase */
+# define E_KDESB 3 /* Klingon destroys starbase */
+# define E_ISSUE 4 /* distress call is issued */
+# define E_ENSLV 5 /* Klingons enslave a quadrant */
+# define E_REPRO 6 /* a Klingon is reproduced */
+# define E_FIXDV 7 /* fix a device */
+# define E_ATTACK 8 /* Klingon attack during rest period */
+# define E_SNAP 9 /* take a snapshot for time warp */
+# define E_SNOVA 10 /* supernova occurs */
+
+# define E_GHOST 0100 /* ghost of a distress call if ssradio out */
+# define E_HIDDEN 0200 /* event that is unreportable because ssradio out */
+# define E_EVENT 077 /* mask to get event code */
+
+struct event
+{
+ unsigned char x, y; /* coordinates */
+ double date; /* trap stardate */
+ char evcode; /* event type */
+ unsigned char systemname; /* starsystem name */
+};
+/* systemname conventions:
+ * 1 -> NINHAB index into Systemname table for reported distress calls
+ *
+ * evcode conventions:
+ * 1 -> NEVENTS-1 event type
+ * + E_HIDDEN unreported (SSradio out)
+ * + E_GHOST actually already expired
+ * 0 unallocated
+ */
+
+# define MAXEVENTS 25 /* max number of concurrently pending events */
+
+extern struct event Event[MAXEVENTS]; /* dynamic event list; one entry per pending event */
+
+/***************************** KLINGONS *******************************/
+
+struct kling
+{
+ unsigned char x, y; /* coordinates */
+ int power; /* power left */
+ double dist; /* distance to Enterprise */
+ double avgdist; /* average over this move */
+ char srndreq; /* set if surrender has been requested */
+};
+
+# define MAXKLQUAD 9 /* maximum klingons per quadrant */
+
+/********************** MISCELLANEOUS ***************************/
+
+/* condition codes */
+# define GREEN 0
+# define DOCKED 1
+# define YELLOW 2
+# define RED 3
+
+/* starbase coordinates */
+# define MAXBASES 9 /* maximum number of starbases in galaxy */
+
+/* distress calls */
+# define MAXDISTR 5 /* maximum concurrent distress calls */
+
+/* phaser banks */
+# define NBANKS 6 /* number of phaser banks */
+
+struct xy
+{
+ unsigned char x, y; /* coordinates */
+};
+
+
+/*
+ * note that much of the stuff in the following structs CAN NOT
+ * be moved around!!!!
+ */
+
+
+/* information regarding the state of the starship */
+struct Ship_struct
+{
+ double warp; /* warp factor */
+ double warp2; /* warp factor squared */
+ double warp3; /* warp factor cubed */
+ char shldup; /* shield up flag */
+ char cloaked; /* set if cloaking device on */
+ int energy; /* starship's energy */
+ int shield; /* energy in shields */
+ double reserves; /* life support reserves */
+ int crew; /* ship's complement */
+ int brigfree; /* space left in brig */
+ char torped; /* torpedoes */
+ char cloakgood; /* set if we have moved */
+ int quadx; /* quadrant x coord */
+ int quady; /* quadrant y coord */
+ int sectx; /* sector x coord */
+ int secty; /* sector y coord */
+ unsigned char cond; /* condition code */
+ char sinsbad; /* Space Inertial Navigation System condition */
+ const char *shipname; /* name of current starship */
+ char ship; /* current starship */
+ int distressed; /* number of distress calls */
+};
+extern struct Ship_struct Ship;
+
+/* sinsbad is set if SINS is working but not calibrated */
+
+/* game related information, mostly scoring */
+struct Game_struct
+{
+ int killk; /* number of klingons killed */
+ int deaths; /* number of deaths onboard Enterprise */
+ char negenbar; /* number of hits on negative energy barrier */
+ char killb; /* number of starbases killed */
+ int kills; /* number of stars killed */
+ char skill; /* skill rating of player */
+ char length; /* length of game */
+ char killed; /* set if you were killed */
+ char killinhab; /* number of inhabited starsystems killed */
+ char tourn; /* set if a tournament game */
+ char passwd[15]; /* game password */
+ char snap; /* set if snapshot taken */
+ char helps; /* number of help calls */
+ int captives; /* total number of captives taken */
+};
+extern struct Game_struct Game;
+
+/* per move information */
+struct Move_struct
+{
+ char free; /* set if a move is free */
+ char endgame; /* end of game flag */
+ char shldchg; /* set if shields changed this move */
+ char newquad; /* set if just entered this quadrant */
+ char resting; /* set if this move is a rest */
+ double time; /* time used this move */
+};
+extern struct Move_struct Move;
+
+/* parametric information */
+struct Param_struct
+{
+ unsigned char bases; /* number of starbases */
+ char klings; /* number of klingons */
+ double date; /* stardate */
+ double time; /* time left */
+ double resource; /* Federation resources */
+ int energy; /* starship's energy */
+ int shield; /* energy in shields */
+ double reserves; /* life support reserves */
+ int crew; /* size of ship's complement */
+ int brigfree; /* max possible number of captives */
+ char torped; /* photon torpedos */
+ double damfac[NDEV]; /* damage factor */
+ double dockfac; /* docked repair time factor */
+ double regenfac; /* regeneration factor */
+ int stopengy; /* energy to do emergency stop */
+ int shupengy; /* energy to put up shields */
+ int klingpwr; /* Klingon initial power */
+ int warptime; /* time chewer multiplier */
+ double phasfac; /* Klingon phaser power eater factor */
+ char moveprob[6]; /* probability that a Klingon moves */
+ double movefac[6]; /* Klingon move distance multiplier */
+ double eventdly[NEVENTS]; /* event time multipliers */
+ double navigcrud[2]; /* navigation crudup factor */
+ int cloakenergy; /* cloaking device energy per stardate */
+ double damprob[NDEV]; /* damage probability */
+ double hitfac; /* Klingon attack factor */
+ int klingcrew; /* number of Klingons in a crew */
+ double srndrprob; /* surrender probability */
+ int energylow; /* low energy mark (cond YELLOW) */
+};
+extern struct Param_struct Param;
+
+/* Sum of damage probabilities must add to 1000 */
+
+/* other information kept in a snapshot */
+struct Now_struct
+{
+ unsigned char bases; /* number of starbases */
+ char klings; /* number of klingons */
+ double date; /* stardate */
+ double time; /* time left */
+ double resource; /* Federation resources */
+ char distressed; /* number of currently distressed quadrants */
+ struct event *eventptr[NEVENTS]; /* pointer to event structs */
+ struct xy base[MAXBASES]; /* locations of starbases */
+};
+extern struct Now_struct Now;
+
+/* Other stuff, not dumped in a snapshot */
+struct Etc_struct
+{
+ struct kling klingon[MAXKLQUAD]; /* sorted Klingon list */
+ short nkling; /* number of Klingons in this sector */
+ /* < 0 means automatic override mode */
+ char fast; /* set if speed > 300 baud */
+ struct xy starbase; /* starbase in current quadrant */
+ char snapshot[sizeof Quad + sizeof Event + sizeof Now]; /* snapshot for time warp */
+ char statreport; /* set to get a status report on a srscan */
+};
+extern struct Etc_struct Etc;
+
+/*
+ * eventptr is a pointer to the event[] entry of the last
+ * scheduled event of each type. Zero if no such event scheduled.
+ */
+
+/* Klingon move indicies */
+# define KM_OB 0 /* Old quadrant, Before attack */
+# define KM_OA 1 /* Old quadrant, After attack */
+# define KM_EB 2 /* Enter quadrant, Before attack */
+# define KM_EA 3 /* Enter quadrant, After attack */
+# define KM_LB 4 /* Leave quadrant, Before attack */
+# define KM_LA 5 /* Leave quadrant, After attack */
+
+/* you lose codes */
+# define L_NOTIME 1 /* ran out of time */
+# define L_NOENGY 2 /* ran out of energy */
+# define L_DSTRYD 3 /* destroyed by a Klingon */
+# define L_NEGENB 4 /* ran into the negative energy barrier */
+# define L_SUICID 5 /* destroyed in a nova */
+# define L_SNOVA 6 /* destroyed in a supernova */
+# define L_NOLIFE 7 /* life support died (so did you) */
+# define L_NOHELP 8 /* you could not be rematerialized */
+# define L_TOOFAST 9 /* pretty stupid going at warp 10 */
+# define L_STAR 10 /* ran into a star */
+# define L_DSTRCT 11 /* self destructed */
+# define L_CAPTURED 12 /* captured by Klingons */
+# define L_NOCREW 13 /* you ran out of crew */
+
+/****************** COMPILE OPTIONS ***********************/
+
+/* Trace info */
+# define xTRACE 1
+extern int Trace;
+
+/* abandon.c */
+void abandon(int);
+
+/* attack.c */
+void attack(int);
+
+/* autover.c */
+void autover(void);
+
+/* capture.c */
+void capture(int);
+struct kling *selectklingon(void);
+
+/* cgetc.c */
+char cgetc(int);
+
+/* check_out.c */
+int check_out(int);
+
+/* checkcond.c */
+void checkcond(void);
+
+/* compkl.c */
+void compkldist(int);
+
+/* computer.c */
+void computer(int);
+
+/* damage.c */
+void damage(int, double);
+
+/* damaged.c */
+int damaged(int);
+
+/* dcrept.c */
+void dcrept(int);
+
+/* destruct.c */
+void destruct(int);
+
+/* dock.c */
+void dock(int);
+void undock(int);
+
+/* dumpgame.c */
+void dumpgame(int);
+int restartgame(void);
+
+/* dumpme.c */
+void dumpme(int);
+
+/* dumpssradio.c */
+int dumpssradio(void);
+
+/* events.c */
+int events(int);
+
+/* externs.c */
+
+/* getcodi.c */
+int getcodi(int *, double *);
+
+/* help.c */
+void help(int);
+
+/* impulse.c */
+void impulse(int);
+
+/* initquad.c */
+void initquad(int);
+void sector(int *, int *);
+
+/* kill.c */
+void killk(int, int );
+void killb(int, int );
+void kills(int, int , int);
+void killd(int, int , int);
+
+/* klmove.c */
+void klmove(int);
+
+/* lose.c */
+void lose(int) __attribute__((__noreturn__));
+
+/* lrscan.c */
+void lrscan(int);
+
+/* move.c */
+double move(int, int, double, double);
+
+/* nova.c */
+void nova(int, int );
+
+/* out.c */
+void out(int);
+
+/* phaser.c */
+void phaser(int);
+
+/* play.c */
+void myreset(int) __attribute__((__noreturn__));
+void play(void) __attribute__((__noreturn__));
+
+/* ram.c */
+void ram(int, int );
+
+/* ranf.c */
+int ranf(int);
+double franf(void);
+
+/* rest.c */
+void rest(int);
+
+/* schedule.c */
+struct event *schedule(int, double, int, int , int);
+void reschedule(struct event *, double);
+void unschedule(struct event *);
+struct event *xsched(int, int, int, int , int );
+void xresched(struct event *, int, int);
+
+/* score.c */
+long score(void);
+
+/* setup.c */
+void setup(void);
+
+/* setwarp.c */
+void setwarp(int);
+
+/* shield.c */
+void shield(int);
+
+/* snova.c */
+void snova(int, int );
+
+/* srscan.c */
+void srscan(int);
+
+/* systemname.c */
+const char *systemname(const struct quad *);
+
+/* torped.c */
+void torped(int);
+
+/* visual.c */
+void visual(int);
+
+/* warp.c */
+void dowarp(int);
+void warp(int, int, double);
+
+/* win.c */
+void win(void) __attribute__((__noreturn__));
Index: bsd-games/create-2.17-patch/bsd-games-2.17-new/trek
===================================================================
--- bsd-games/create-2.17-patch/bsd-games-2.17-new/trek (nonexistent)
+++ bsd-games/create-2.17-patch/bsd-games-2.17-new/trek (revision 5)
Property changes on: bsd-games/create-2.17-patch/bsd-games-2.17-new/trek
___________________________________________________________________
Added: svn:ignore
## -0,0 +1,73 ##
+
+# install dir
+dist
+
+# Target build dirs
+.a1x-newlib
+.a2x-newlib
+.at91sam7s-newlib
+
+.build-machine
+
+.a1x-glibc
+.a2x-glibc
+.h3-glibc
+.h5-glibc
+.i586-glibc
+.i686-glibc
+.imx6-glibc
+.jz47xx-glibc
+.makefile
+.am335x-glibc
+.omap543x-glibc
+.p5600-glibc
+.power8-glibc
+.power8le-glibc
+.power9-glibc
+.power9le-glibc
+.m1000-glibc
+.riscv64-glibc
+.rk328x-glibc
+.rk33xx-glibc
+.rk339x-glibc
+.s8xx-glibc
+.s9xx-glibc
+.x86_64-glibc
+
+# Hidden files (each file)
+.makefile
+.dist
+.rootfs
+
+# src & hw requires
+.src_requires
+.src_requires_depend
+.requires
+.requires_depend
+
+# Tarballs
+*.gz
+*.bz2
+*.lz
+*.xz
+*.tgz
+*.txz
+
+# Signatures
+*.asc
+*.sig
+*.sign
+*.sha1sum
+
+# Patches
+*.patch
+
+# Descriptions
+*.dsc
+*.txt
+
+# Default linux config files
+*.defconfig
+
+# backup copies
+*~
Index: bsd-games/create-2.17-patch/bsd-games-2.17-new
===================================================================
--- bsd-games/create-2.17-patch/bsd-games-2.17-new (nonexistent)
+++ bsd-games/create-2.17-patch/bsd-games-2.17-new (revision 5)
Property changes on: bsd-games/create-2.17-patch/bsd-games-2.17-new
___________________________________________________________________
Added: svn:ignore
## -0,0 +1,73 ##
+
+# install dir
+dist
+
+# Target build dirs
+.a1x-newlib
+.a2x-newlib
+.at91sam7s-newlib
+
+.build-machine
+
+.a1x-glibc
+.a2x-glibc
+.h3-glibc
+.h5-glibc
+.i586-glibc
+.i686-glibc
+.imx6-glibc
+.jz47xx-glibc
+.makefile
+.am335x-glibc
+.omap543x-glibc
+.p5600-glibc
+.power8-glibc
+.power8le-glibc
+.power9-glibc
+.power9le-glibc
+.m1000-glibc
+.riscv64-glibc
+.rk328x-glibc
+.rk33xx-glibc
+.rk339x-glibc
+.s8xx-glibc
+.s9xx-glibc
+.x86_64-glibc
+
+# Hidden files (each file)
+.makefile
+.dist
+.rootfs
+
+# src & hw requires
+.src_requires
+.src_requires_depend
+.requires
+.requires_depend
+
+# Tarballs
+*.gz
+*.bz2
+*.lz
+*.xz
+*.tgz
+*.txz
+
+# Signatures
+*.asc
+*.sig
+*.sign
+*.sha1sum
+
+# Patches
+*.patch
+
+# Descriptions
+*.dsc
+*.txt
+
+# Default linux config files
+*.defconfig
+
+# backup copies
+*~
Index: bsd-games/create-2.17-patch/create.patch.sh
===================================================================
--- bsd-games/create-2.17-patch/create.patch.sh (nonexistent)
+++ bsd-games/create-2.17-patch/create.patch.sh (revision 5)
@@ -0,0 +1,15 @@
+#!/bin/sh
+
+VERSION=2.17
+
+tar --files-from=file.list -xzvf ../bsd-games-$VERSION.tar.gz
+mv bsd-games-$VERSION bsd-games-$VERSION-orig
+
+cp -rf ./bsd-games-$VERSION-new ./bsd-games-$VERSION
+
+diff --unified -Nr bsd-games-$VERSION-orig bsd-games-$VERSION > bsd-games-$VERSION.patch
+
+mv bsd-games-$VERSION.patch ../patches
+
+rm -rf ./bsd-games-$VERSION
+rm -rf ./bsd-games-$VERSION-orig
Property changes on: bsd-games/create-2.17-patch/create.patch.sh
___________________________________________________________________
Added: svn:executable
## -0,0 +1 ##
+*
\ No newline at end of property
Index: bsd-games/create-2.17-patch/file.list
===================================================================
--- bsd-games/create-2.17-patch/file.list (nonexistent)
+++ bsd-games/create-2.17-patch/file.list (revision 5)
@@ -0,0 +1,27 @@
+bsd-games-2.17/configure
+bsd-games-2.17/mkdep
+bsd-games-2.17/backgammon/backgammon/main.c
+bsd-games-2.17/cribbage/crib.c
+bsd-games-2.17/cribbage/cribbage.h
+bsd-games-2.17/cribbage/extern.c
+bsd-games-2.17/cribbage/io.c
+bsd-games-2.17/cribbage/score.c
+bsd-games-2.17/cribbage/support.c
+bsd-games-2.17/dab/box.cc
+bsd-games-2.17/dab/gamescreen.h
+bsd-games-2.17/dab/ttyscrn.cc
+bsd-games-2.17/fortune/datfiles/Makefrag
+bsd-games-2.17/fortune/datfiles/fortunes2
+bsd-games-2.17/fortune/strfile/Makefrag
+bsd-games-2.17/fortune/strfile/strfile.8
+bsd-games-2.17/fortune/strfile/strfile.c
+bsd-games-2.17/gomoku/bdisp.c
+bsd-games-2.17/gomoku/gomoku.h
+bsd-games-2.17/gomoku/main.c
+bsd-games-2.17/hack/Makequest
+bsd-games-2.17/phantasia/Makefrag
+bsd-games-2.17/pom/pom.6
+bsd-games-2.17/pom/pom.c
+bsd-games-2.17/tetris/screen.c
+bsd-games-2.17/trek/getpar.h
+bsd-games-2.17/trek/trek.h
Index: bsd-games/create-2.17-patch
===================================================================
--- bsd-games/create-2.17-patch (nonexistent)
+++ bsd-games/create-2.17-patch (revision 5)
Property changes on: bsd-games/create-2.17-patch
___________________________________________________________________
Added: svn:ignore
## -0,0 +1,73 ##
+
+# install dir
+dist
+
+# Target build dirs
+.a1x-newlib
+.a2x-newlib
+.at91sam7s-newlib
+
+.build-machine
+
+.a1x-glibc
+.a2x-glibc
+.h3-glibc
+.h5-glibc
+.i586-glibc
+.i686-glibc
+.imx6-glibc
+.jz47xx-glibc
+.makefile
+.am335x-glibc
+.omap543x-glibc
+.p5600-glibc
+.power8-glibc
+.power8le-glibc
+.power9-glibc
+.power9le-glibc
+.m1000-glibc
+.riscv64-glibc
+.rk328x-glibc
+.rk33xx-glibc
+.rk339x-glibc
+.s8xx-glibc
+.s9xx-glibc
+.x86_64-glibc
+
+# Hidden files (each file)
+.makefile
+.dist
+.rootfs
+
+# src & hw requires
+.src_requires
+.src_requires_depend
+.requires
+.requires_depend
+
+# Tarballs
+*.gz
+*.bz2
+*.lz
+*.xz
+*.tgz
+*.txz
+
+# Signatures
+*.asc
+*.sig
+*.sign
+*.sha1sum
+
+# Patches
+*.patch
+
+# Descriptions
+*.dsc
+*.txt
+
+# Default linux config files
+*.defconfig
+
+# backup copies
+*~
Index: bsd-games/patches/README
===================================================================
--- bsd-games/patches/README (nonexistent)
+++ bsd-games/patches/README (revision 5)
@@ -0,0 +1,6 @@
+
+/* begin *
+
+ TODO: Leave some comment here.
+
+ * end */
Index: bsd-games/patches
===================================================================
--- bsd-games/patches (nonexistent)
+++ bsd-games/patches (revision 5)
Property changes on: bsd-games/patches
___________________________________________________________________
Added: svn:ignore
## -0,0 +1,73 ##
+
+# install dir
+dist
+
+# Target build dirs
+.a1x-newlib
+.a2x-newlib
+.at91sam7s-newlib
+
+.build-machine
+
+.a1x-glibc
+.a2x-glibc
+.h3-glibc
+.h5-glibc
+.i586-glibc
+.i686-glibc
+.imx6-glibc
+.jz47xx-glibc
+.makefile
+.am335x-glibc
+.omap543x-glibc
+.p5600-glibc
+.power8-glibc
+.power8le-glibc
+.power9-glibc
+.power9le-glibc
+.m1000-glibc
+.riscv64-glibc
+.rk328x-glibc
+.rk33xx-glibc
+.rk339x-glibc
+.s8xx-glibc
+.s9xx-glibc
+.x86_64-glibc
+
+# Hidden files (each file)
+.makefile
+.dist
+.rootfs
+
+# src & hw requires
+.src_requires
+.src_requires_depend
+.requires
+.requires_depend
+
+# Tarballs
+*.gz
+*.bz2
+*.lz
+*.xz
+*.tgz
+*.txz
+
+# Signatures
+*.asc
+*.sig
+*.sign
+*.sha1sum
+
+# Patches
+*.patch
+
+# Descriptions
+*.dsc
+*.txt
+
+# Default linux config files
+*.defconfig
+
+# backup copies
+*~
Index: bsd-games
===================================================================
--- bsd-games (nonexistent)
+++ bsd-games (revision 5)
Property changes on: bsd-games
___________________________________________________________________
Added: svn:ignore
## -0,0 +1,73 ##
+
+# install dir
+dist
+
+# Target build dirs
+.a1x-newlib
+.a2x-newlib
+.at91sam7s-newlib
+
+.build-machine
+
+.a1x-glibc
+.a2x-glibc
+.h3-glibc
+.h5-glibc
+.i586-glibc
+.i686-glibc
+.imx6-glibc
+.jz47xx-glibc
+.makefile
+.am335x-glibc
+.omap543x-glibc
+.p5600-glibc
+.power8-glibc
+.power8le-glibc
+.power9-glibc
+.power9le-glibc
+.m1000-glibc
+.riscv64-glibc
+.rk328x-glibc
+.rk33xx-glibc
+.rk339x-glibc
+.s8xx-glibc
+.s9xx-glibc
+.x86_64-glibc
+
+# Hidden files (each file)
+.makefile
+.dist
+.rootfs
+
+# src & hw requires
+.src_requires
+.src_requires_depend
+.requires
+.requires_depend
+
+# Tarballs
+*.gz
+*.bz2
+*.lz
+*.xz
+*.tgz
+*.txz
+
+# Signatures
+*.asc
+*.sig
+*.sign
+*.sha1sum
+
+# Patches
+*.patch
+
+# Descriptions
+*.dsc
+*.txt
+
+# Default linux config files
+*.defconfig
+
+# backup copies
+*~
Index: .
===================================================================
--- . (nonexistent)
+++ . (revision 5)
Property changes on: .
___________________________________________________________________
Added: svn:ignore
## -0,0 +1,73 ##
+
+# install dir
+dist
+
+# Target build dirs
+.a1x-newlib
+.a2x-newlib
+.at91sam7s-newlib
+
+.build-machine
+
+.a1x-glibc
+.a2x-glibc
+.h3-glibc
+.h5-glibc
+.i586-glibc
+.i686-glibc
+.imx6-glibc
+.jz47xx-glibc
+.makefile
+.am335x-glibc
+.omap543x-glibc
+.p5600-glibc
+.power8-glibc
+.power8le-glibc
+.power9-glibc
+.power9le-glibc
+.m1000-glibc
+.riscv64-glibc
+.rk328x-glibc
+.rk33xx-glibc
+.rk339x-glibc
+.s8xx-glibc
+.s9xx-glibc
+.x86_64-glibc
+
+# Hidden files (each file)
+.makefile
+.dist
+.rootfs
+
+# src & hw requires
+.src_requires
+.src_requires_depend
+.requires
+.requires_depend
+
+# Tarballs
+*.gz
+*.bz2
+*.lz
+*.xz
+*.tgz
+*.txz
+
+# Signatures
+*.asc
+*.sig
+*.sign
+*.sha1sum
+
+# Patches
+*.patch
+
+# Descriptions
+*.dsc
+*.txt
+
+# Default linux config files
+*.defconfig
+
+# backup copies
+*~
Radix cross Linux
The main Radix cross Linux repository contains the build scripts of packages, which have the most complete and common functionality for desktop machines
383 Commits
1 Branch
1 Tag